Original subtitles

- Your card is...

The Six of Spades!

[all groan]

- It was the King of Hearts.

- That's what I said.

The King of Hearts.

- Impossible!

- Oh, stop.

Thank you.

- I know you're excited

to see me.

No applause necessary.

- It's not for you.

Tess, this is our sister, Dawn.

Tess is new.

- And wowsome.

That's wow and awesome.

I made it up.

- Impossible.

- Hi.

I see you've met my brothers.

I'll distract them,

you run for your life.

- Don't listen to her.

We're funtastic.

- You know what is else

is funtastic?

Dawn's shirt.

Talk about wowsome.

- My words are catching on.

I should publish

a Dicky-tionary.

- Wow, the Harper quadruplets

are officially

the coolest kids ever!

- Isn't she great?

- Wait.

What's this?

- Inconceivable!

- Five bucks

for the candy machine.

Hope everyone

likes nutty fudge bombs.

- She's perfect.

- She's radcredible.

- She's magic.

- She's got to go.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Hey! ♪

[whistling melody]

♪ ♪

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

[whistling melody]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Na, na, na, na, na-na ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na-na ♪

- ♪ One, two ♪

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

- What are you talking about?

Tess is perfect!

- Too perfect.

I'm telling you,

there's something up

with that girl.

- You also told me

when I was four

that a little man lived

in my butt

and cut my poops with a saw.

- [laughs]

You were scared to go

for like a month.

- I swear I could hear

him sawing!

- This is different

than Poop-Saw Man.

She's fooling you guys.

She's a total phony fake-face.

- Ooh, I hate fake-faces!

Who's a fake-face?

Is it that new girl

in the camping section?

'Cause I'm always like, "Hi!"

and she's always like--

- Uh, that's a mannequin.

- That explains

why she doesn't talk.

Or blink.

And smells like plastic.

- Well, you're wrong.

Tess is not a fake-face.

- Yes, she is.

Trust me,

my "chickstincts" are

never wrong.

- Our "dudestincts"

are saying they are.

- Hey, kiddos.

- Mom, back me up here.

We met this new girl at school

and she's totally evil.

- She's not evil.

- I'm telling you,

Tess is not what she seems.

I mean,

she likes all four of us.

Nobody likes all four of us.

- Your Dad and I like

all four of you.

- We do?

Just yesterday you said--

hey, look over there!

It's something to look at!

- Uh, Dad,

we can see you.

- Ah.

That's because I am not hiding,

I am looking for something

I dropped earlier.

- You know, sweetie,

maybe you just

need to give this Tess girl

a chance.

- Ah, found 'em!

[chuckles]

You know, Mom's right.

You're just blowing

this out of proportion.

I mean, nobody is evil.

- Hello, Thomas.

- Evil!

- Kids,

this is Rod "Dinna-ma-tey."

- It's pronounced "Dynamite."

as in, "Rod is...

Dynamite." boom.

- Pleasure to meet--

- [gibberish]

Rod is my old nemesis.

We used to compete

against each other on the ice.

And yes, I know

my pants are down.

- Cool, you guys played hockey?

- Better.

We were ice dancers.

- Instead of sticks and pucks,

we scored

with sequins and pizzazz!

- Before you kids were born,

your father and I

were one dance away from

becoming national champions.

- [chuckles]

- It was a glorious time.

Your mom was the best ice dancer

in the world,

and I had the best

ice dancing hair in the world,

but then it all changed...

[cheers and applause]

From the minute I met Rod,

I knew there was something

wrong with that dude.

There is something wrong

with that dude.

[cheers and applause]

Rod and Tiffany knew

they couldn't beat us,

for we were...

The Dancing Harpers!

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

We were about to unveil,

for the first time ever,

the incredibly dangerous

"Lady-twirl."

Now, normally,

the man twirls the woman,

but we were about to break

the ice ceiling

by having your mother twirl

me.

- Yes, yes.

- We were lady-twirling our way

to ice dancing history.

Whee!

Until--

- Yes! Ah!

- Oh!

- [whimpers]

- Ahh!

[grunts]

[crowd gasps]

Ahh! Ahh!

Story over.

Pants coming up.

- You're a ch'liar.

That's a cheater and a liar.

- It's in the Dicky-tionary!

- Look it up!

- Hey, hey, hey.

There's no need to name-call.

The Harpers always

take the high road.

- Hi-dee-hi, Harpers!

- Ch'liar!

- Ahh!

All right, Dynamite.

What do you want?

- Well, can't one ice dancer

visit another ice dancer

just to say hi?

- No.

- Well, then can one ice dancer

let another ice dancer know

that they're opening up

their own sporting goods store

down the street that's gonna

put the second ice dancer

out of business?

- All right, that you can do.

[chuckles]

Wait, what?

- And boom goes the Dynamite.

Tiffany?

- Yeah, well,

two can play at that game!

Anne!

- It's--it's okay.

I don't think he saw it.

- Oh, I saw it,

and I also saw these socks.

Rod likey.

Rod takey.

- [grunts]

That's it.

He took my hair,

he took my pride,

he took those tube socks,

but he's not gonna take

my business.

- Now, who wants to help

mommy and Daddy

obliterate

the evil enemy?

You know,

in a high road kind of way.

All: I do!

- Anne, get me

my sellin' skates.

It's time to put

the competition on ice.

[phone ringing]

- Speaking of evil, I'm getting

fake-timed by the fake-face.

Well, I can do

a fake-face too.

Hey, nutty fudge bomb!

- No, you're

the nutty fudge bomb!

- No, you are!

I hate her.

What's up, buddy?

- Well, your brother said

you were struggling in Math,

so I thought I'd come over

and help you study

for tomorrow's test.

I'll bring tacos!

- Sounds great!

Bye!

Ugh, tacos?

Seriously?

- But you love tacos.

- I know!

She's evil.

- How'd the math test go?

- I got an A.

- Hey, "quadresties."

that's quadruplet besties.

- She's almost completely

fluent in Dicky.

- So what are you guys

doing after school?

- We're brainstorming ideas

to help boost sales

at our parents' store.

You know,

grown-up business stuff.

- And then we're gonna

ride bikes!

- Well, if you guys really

want to help boost business,

you should make

a commercial for the store.

- That's sweet, Tess,

but between the brainstorming

and the bike riding,

I don't think we have the

time.

- Don't be silly.

We can do it right now.

Okay, each of you tell me

why your Dad's store

is the best store ever.

- Shopping at Tom's Get Sporty

will show you why

it stinks to shop

at our competitors.

- Lights, camera, love it!

- You love that?

Love this.

Get Sporty rocks!

All those other stores?

What a joke.

- Handsome and talented.

Nicky?

- Give me a second

to warm up the lips.

Box of biscuits.

Box of biscuits.

[shudders]

You've had the worst.

Now shop at the best!

- Goose bumps.

Dawn?

- No, I can't.

I'm sorry, I'm not buying it.

- Not buying what?

- I'm not buying any of it!

You're up to something and

I'm gonna find out what it is.

- Can I do another take

with my shirt off?

- What is gonna

draw in customers?

Think big!

- Ooh!

We could adopt

a family of monkeys

to work the cash registers.

- Smaller.

- Little monkeys?

- Mom! Dad!

Where are you?

- What's up?

- We found a way for you

the beat the Dynamites.

- Ugh!

"Dinna-ma-teys."

- By making a commercial

for our store.

- Oh, a commercial.

I'll book the monkeys.

Hey, uh, Carl, project...

[imitating chimp]

is a go.

- No, Dad.

We already shot the commercial.

- Oh, yeah.

Uh...

Sorry, Carl.

I know I promised

this would never happen again,

but it happened again.

Carl?

- When did you guys

shoot a commercial?

- Today at school

with our friend, Tess.

Who is not evil.

- And doesn't want

anything from us.

- And is the best director

I've ever worked with.

- Wow.

Is it possible

my chickstincts were wrong?

That Tess' face

really isn't fake?

- Oh, hi.

You caught me pulling up

my tube socks.

I'm ice dancing champion,

Rod Dynamite...

And welcome

to my new sporting goods store,

Get Sporty...

[voice echoing] Er! Er! Er!

- That place looks

just like our store!

- Why Get Sporty

when you Get Sporty-er?

[voice echoing]

Er! Er!

Don't believe me?

Then listen to my competitor's

own children.

- Tom's Get Sporty--

what a joke.

- Tom's Get Sporty--

stinks.

- Box of biscuits.

Box of biscuits.

- I guess that's what they sell

over at Tom's Get Sporty.

And Dawn, what do you think

about those overpriced items

at your Dad's store?

- I'm not buying any of it!

- And neither should you!

So come on down

to Get Sporty-er!

[voice echoing]

Er! Er!

- [growls]

- Owned and operated

by ice dancing champions,

Rod Dynamite...

- Tiffany Dynamite,

and our beautiful daughter...

- Tess Dynamite!

- Yes!

I was right!

She's a total fake-face!

Whoo-hoo!

This is such a personal victory!

And a huge loss for the

family.

- That's it.

He crossed the line.

He used my kids

and my tube socks against me.

- Don't worry, Tom.

I know what to do.

Now, where can I get my hands

on some Dinna-ma-tey?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What happened to "Harpers always

take the high road"?

- Oh, the high road

is closed for construction,

but the low road

is wide open, baby.

- Maybe for them,

but my chickstincts tell me

that we're better than that,

and as you all know,

my chickstincts are never wrong.

Say it with me.

All: Dawn's chickstincts

are never wrong.

- And that's my new ring tone.

All: Dawn's chickstincts

are never wrong.

- Ahh, it's the little things.

♪ ♪

- By the way...

[sniffs]

I know you're a mannequin.

Oh! Ha!

[babbling]

- Oh, I finally got my monkey!

[chuckles]

- [laughs]

- Ladies and gentlemen,

customers of all ages!

Introducing something you

won't find at the less-er store.

Get Sporty's new

in-store zip-line!

[cheers and applause]

- Thank you, thank you.

You're so kind.

[chuckles]

All right, here we go!

Ah! Ahh! Ahh!

Ahh! Oh!

- Oh!

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

- Are you--oh!

- [whimpers like a chimp]

- It looks like

all they're doing over here

is monkey-ing around.

Now who's ready to do

some serious savings,

down at Get Sporty-er?

[all chattering]

- Dinna-ma-tey!

Whoa!

- Oh, Tom!

- That's it.

It's low road time.

- This is the end

of the yellow brick Rod.

Shop away, my pretties!

- Welcome!

So how'd it go, Ice Man?

- Like taking candy

from a big, bald baby.

- I can't believe they actually

thought I was their friend.

Seriously?

Who could possibly like

all of them?

- Huh.

- Or any of them?

[laughter]

All: [sigh]

- Oh, now what?

Dawn, I am so, so sorry.

- Don't "I'm so, so sorry" me,

fake-face.

You're gonna pay

for what you've done.

Wow, this place looks

exactly like my parents' store.

- Okay, I know

you won't believe me,

but my Dad stole my phone

to make his mean old commercial.

I had nothing to do with it.

- [scoffs]

Give me a break.

- Oh, can we please just

sit down and talk about it?

- I don't want to sit down

and talk about-- you have

massage chairs?

- Dawn, your friendship

is super important.

You have to believe me.

- Well, I don't believe--

y--

[humming]

Ooh-ahh.

No, you're lying.

- I would never lie

to my quadrestie.

You're so stressed.

- Well, I'm sorry,

but I just can't--

what is happening

to my face?

- Well...

- Well...

- Goose.

- Guys, good news.

Turns out Tess

is completely innocent.

Both: What?

- Ugh, out of polish.

B-r-b!

- Can't w-a-i-t!

- What happened

to your chickstincts?

- Oh, they're working.

Quaddle up.

I know she's not innocent.

I'm only here to dig up dirt

on Get Sporty-er

so we can destroy them.

- Oh.

- Fake-face thinks she can

fake her way to victory?

Two can play at that game.

- No, four can.

[vibrating]

- Oh, or three.

You guys got this, right?

♪ ♪

- Oh, here you go.

How you feeling, honey?

- Horrible.

- Oh.

- First he took my hair,

now he took my smile.

He's a monster!

- Mom! Dad!

We found a way

to beat out Get Sporty-er!

You know those recalled cans

of tennis balls

you sent back to China

last month?

- The ones that explode

at 100 degrees?

- Rod's selling them.

- So all we have to do is tell

everybody Rod sells dangerous

balls.

Then, they'll come back

to our store.

- Look kids, I appreciate it.

[all shudder]

But it's over.

When you fight someone

who plays dirty,

the only way to win

is to not fight.

- So tomorrow,

after the dentist--

We are going to the dentist.

Then we're going

to Get Sporty-er

to tell Rod and Tiffany

that they've won.

Then we can just

get on with our lives

and no one else has to get hurt.

I've already lost

enough of your Dad.

I don't want us

to lose anymore.

- [wincing]

- Oh.

Ooh!

- Oh!

- I can't believe

they're just giving up.

- They might be, but we aren't.

- What a dump.

This store is horrible.

- It looks just like ours.

- It's horrible!

Sorry.

Let's take the ice, hon.

- Okay, you guys ready?

All: Ready.

- Go.

- Now, I am humbled

to introduce,

all the way

from Washington, D.C.,

Get Sporty-er's

most powerful customer

and my close,

personal friend...

President Barack Obama.

[cheers and applause]

- Boom.

Look-alike.

Well, well.

Lookie here.

Keep the cameras on

for this one, boys.

It's gonna be a doozy.

- [clears throat]

Uh, Rod, Tiffany.

Uh, Mr. President.

Um...

Uh, we just came here today

to say...

- No, you can do it, go.

- Okay.

- You win.

- Sorry, I couldn't hear

that through the hair.

- [sighs]

You win!

[teeth dropping on the floor]

Both: [gasp]

Sweetie, I would appreciate

if you picked up my teeth.

- Of course.

Here.

- Thank you.

- Now, can we please just agree

that this town is big enough for

two sporting goods stores?

- Deal?

- Deal.

Ha!

- No!

Dynamites don't deal.

Tiff?

Ahh.

- Dad, why's it getting

so hot in here?

- It must be

from the scorching hot deals

here at Get Sporty-er!

Am I right?

- Or because you guys

just got burned.

- What's he doing

next to my thermostat?

- Probably the same thing

that he's doing.

And him.

And me, when I set that one

to 100 degrees.

Get your cameras ready

for this one, boys.

It'd gonna be even doozy-er.

- No.

[tennis balls exploding]

[people screaming]

- I love you, kids!

[balls exploding]

[people screaming]

- Cover me, fake Obama!

- [screams]

[all screaming]

Ew, your hair!

[screams]

- [screams]

- Ew, your face!

- Oh!

It's the heat!

I'm melting!

[sobs]

- Now, that's a fake-face.

- Oh!

- [sizzle]

- [laughs]

- You win.

- I'm--I'm sorry.

I couldn't hear you

over the glare.

[laughs]

Wow, you did not age well.

Dancing Harpers.

[upbeat music]

- ♪ ♪

[whistling melody]

♪ ♪

- [vocalizing]

♪ Yeah! ♪

[vocalizing]

- ♪ Yeah! ♪

- ♪

- ♪