Original subtitles

- Ow!

- You don't just dump chemicals

into a beaker willy-nilly.

- Well, I'm tired

of all the waity-waity.

Let's get to the dumpy-dumpy.

- Safety first.

Goggles.

- Chill.

If I wear goggles, how are

the ladies gonna see my eyes?

- Goggles!

- Fine.

Hey, babe.

Let's make science.

- Are we done, children?

Can we let

the science fair winner--

- Runner-up.

- It's under review!

I have a process, Dawn.

- Well, here's my process.

- Willy-nilly!

Willy-nilly!

[bubbling]

- Fools!

- Science is awesome.

- Look what you did!

- Me?

You're

the science fair runner-up!

That's what you get for waiting.

- That foam is going

to give you rashes!

- Yeah?

Well, happy scratching!

- [screams]

- [laughs]

- For crying out loud,

you could have gotten rashes!

- I told you.

- Nicky.

There is nothing here

for any of you to be proud of.

Now, I've called your parents.

- Oh, come on.

- Really?

- Don't do that!

- Save it.

You can answer to them.

[knocks on door]

Come in!

All: Hey, Mom.

Hey, Dad.

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

- [whistling]

♪ ♪

- One, two, three, four!

♪ ♪

♪ Na, na, na ♪

♪ Na na-na ♪

♪ Na, na, na ♪

♪ Na na-na ♪

- One, two!

One, two, three, four!

- ♪ Hey hey hey hey ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪

[buzzer]

- This is the third time this

month

we've been called away

from the store

to come pick you kids up.

- Sounds like quality

family time to me.

Am I right?

Up top.

Comin' down.

- You know, every time

I get a call from the school,

I keep hoping that it is finally

that call that says,

"Mrs. Harper, your quadruplets

are amazing

and they are working

together,

and they are definitely not

having a wet toilet paper war

in the handicapped stall."

But it never is.

It never is!

- It's their fault!

Everything always has to be

their way.

- Well, I'm sorry

if I care about my grades.

- And I'm sorry if I don't.

- I'm sorry I bit you

all in the womb!

[all speaking at once]

- Wait, wait.

Guys. Guys. Okay, wait, wait,

wait. Give me a--okay, kids.

Hey, quiet!

Wow, that finally worked.

- The problem is, you kids

can't do anything together

without getting

at each other's throats.

- Oh, his throat.

[crack]

- Good tip.

- Get out of the way!

- Enough!

I gave birth to a team.

What happened to my team?

- We can't be a team if they

don't follow their leader.

- I'm the leader.

I'm the oldest.

- By four seconds.

- I learned a lot

in those four seconds.

- You learn anything

about rashes?

[all groan]

- You see what I'm dealing

with?

It's not like we're bad kids.

Bad things just...

happen to us.

- [screams]

- See?

Our lives are so unfair.

- Hey, Mom.

Dad.

- Okay, Kenny, we have told you

not to call us that.

We are not your parents.

It's creepy.

- But they call you that.

- 'Cause we're their children.

- We're quadruplets.

- Quadruplets?

I look more like you

two than him.

Anyway, Pops, this came for

ya.

- Yes!

It's here!

Behold.

This jersey was worn

by Brownie Wilson,

fabled hero of the Gridiron

from days of Yore.

I searched long and hard

for this jersey,

and now, she's mine.

- Wow, he even signed it

and everything.

- No one touches my number 2.

- [laughs]

Number two.

- This is the greatest day

of my life.

- Our wedding?

The kids' birth?

- Oh, come on,

you think anybody ever says,

"Yay, four kids at once"?

Okay, change of subject.

Punishment time. Who wants to

clean up the puke in the

skydiving simulator?

- You know what?

As the oldest--

- By four seconds!

- I will show my little

brothers how to be

grown up, responsible,

and mature.

[barks]

Puppy!

Look at this little snudger!

I just wanna eat his face!

Yes, I do!

- These kids cannot focus.

Tom, help me out here.

- Who's my sweet number 2?

Oh, stop!

Stop it!

- I'm having a pet adoption

fair in the lot next door.

- Boom, adopted.

- Yeah.

- Boom, returned.

You kids can't take care

of a dog.

It would just turn

into one big fight.

- Fight?

Pfft.

Fight.

We're totally buds.

Quad hug!

- You have nice eyes.

- I love us.

- You're feelin' it, right?

- That felt forced.

- Forced?

Pfft.

Forced.

Ricky, tell him

why it's not forced.

- Mom, Dad, you've always

taught us

that love means

trusting each other.

So if you really love us,

isn't it time you trusted us?

Nicky, back me up here.

- Look, I trust this dog

is gonna give us worms.

But he'll give us worms

together.

- Together.

- Yes!

- Wormy is right.

We can totes do this.

- No, and you're gonna

give the dog right back to--

[gasps]

He is so soft!

- You guys

are not ready for this.

- Mom, I know we've

disappointed you in the past,

but this dog is a chance

for us to show you

that we can work together.

Please let us prove

that we can be the team

that you want us to be.

Please?

Mommy?

- All right.

You can have the dog.

- Yeah!

Fireworks!

- But...this is a trial run.

You have one week to show that

you guys can do this together.

If not, then he's gotta

go back to the shelter.

Got it?

- Yep!

- Yes.

- Got it.

- Word.

- Great, I'll get his papers.

- [gasps]

He can read!

- Harper huddle!

All: Ah, Harper!

- I totally deserved that.

- I'm not gonna lie.

You rock those better than me.

- Dicky.

We have to take this

seriously,

and that's why I've come up

with a schedule

of doggy caretaking duties.

Ta-da!

- That's a very nice

chore chart.

Of course it's not as nice

as mine.

Ta-double-da.

- Wow.

Those four seconds are really

killing you, aren't they?

- I just think my way

is the best way

of taking of care of Chip.

- [buzzer sound] Ehh!

We're not naming him Chip.

- That's right.

His name is Tiny Elvis.

- He doesn't look anything

like Elvis.

- He will when I put him in...

This.

- Um, he's not wearing that.

He's wearing...this.

And his name

is Admiral Squishy Paws.

- Clearly he's a Gary!

All: Gary?

[all speaking at once]

- Gary stinks!

- It's the perfect name.

- He's Tiny Elvis!

- [whistles]

We're doing exactly what

Mom and Dad said we would.

- Sweet.

- No, not sweet.

We have to work together.

That's why I'm willing

to follow...

[gagging]

Ricky's lead.

- I thought you might,

and that's why I created

a picture to represent that.

- This is gonna be totally

easy.

This is so hard.

- This is the longest week

ever.

- It's only been two hours.

[dog whining]

- He needs to go out.

- How can you tell?

[whines]

- Those are his

"I have to pee" ears.

- It's not my turn to walk him.

- Not mine.

- Not mine.

- Ugh, I guess I'll be

the responsible one.

- No way, I'm the leader.

I'm the responsible one.

- Don't you be more responsible

than me!

- Hold on!

It's cape weather!

- Man, they're so easy.

- It's wonderful, isn't it?

- It's overwhelming.

- [sighs]

This week has been amazing.

- Glorious.

- I just never thought

I'd see this day.

- It's like a dream come true.

[both sniffling,

sighing]

Love you, Brownie.

- Is Mom still

looking over here?

- I can't fake this smile

much longer.

- I'm so sick of you guys...

But if we make it through today,

Squishy Paws

will be staying with us forever.

- I think the person who's

actually done his chores all

week

should get to name the dog.

- I thought we settled on Gary.

- And she's gone.

- Gary is not a dog name.

- It's better than Tiny Elvis.

- Well, this foam bat

says it isn't.

- [hoarsely]

Let's end this.

- Quad bat fight!

- Aah!

Gary!

- Tiny Elvis!

- Gary!

[overlapping shouting]

- Chip! Chip!

[overlapping shouts]

- Tiny Elvis!

- Tiny El--

both: No!

- Dad's jersey!

- Oh, no!

- Phew, that was close.

- Phew.

- Phew.

- Sorry, Hazel.

- Uh--I'm okay.

[all scream]

- Look what you did!

- You called quad bat fight!

- You started it!

- You started it--

[gasps]

- Oh, no.

- At least his ears aren't--

uh...

- Put down your pee ears

and step away from the jersey.

[all scream]

[urine pattering]

[all groan]

- Is it coming off?

- [hacks] I can't tell over

the smell of your lunch.

Can you maybe lean back

until you hit a mint?

- No big deal.

Chip just went number one

on dad's number 2.

- Normally I'd laugh at that,

but--

no, it's still funny.

- No, it's not.

My life is over.

- Come on, you guys!

If we handle this right,

dad doesn't have to find out,

and we get to keep the dog.

- What's the point?

- It's over.

- I failed.

I'm a horrible leader!

[thwack]

All: Ow!

- You could have used the side

without the price tag.

- We're Harpers.

Did we give up when Nicky got

his head stuck in the railing?

Did we give up when Dicky got

his head stuck in the railing?

Did we give up

when we were having trouble

getting Ricky's head

stuck in the railing?

No!

So we're not giving up now!

We may have failed each other,

but for the first time

in our lives,

we need to think of something

bigger than the four of us.

This guy.

He deserves a good home,

even if we don't deserve him.

- [sniffles]

All: Ah, Harper!

- So this is programmed

to control the snowball launcher

in the winter sports area,

hmm?

And from now on, Kenny...

You're in...

Charge of it.

Good stuff.

- All right, Nicky, Ricky.

You two take the jersey home

and clean it.

Dicky, you walk the dog.

I'll keep dad away from this

until you get back.

Hurry!

- Hey, kiddo.

What's up with the blanket?

- Oh, I was just doing a little

research on antique jerseys,

and it turns out they fade

if they're exposed

to too much sunlight.

It'll wash those days of yore

right off your old number 2.

So until the danger's passed,

I'm gonna

blanket her up real nice.

- Thank you, honey.

You know, that's the kind

of responsibility

that's gonna make Gary Chip

Tiny Elvis Squishy Paws

a permanent part of this family.

- You can count on me, Dad!

- Hey, ladies.

You like puppies?

- It's 1:19.

They've been gone so long,

it's like time is

moving backwards.

- You're holding your phone

upside down.

- It's 6:11!

Finally!

- Sorry.

Mom was home, so we had to

go to the laundromat.

- Is it clean?

- Not bad for such a busy

place.

- Not the laundromat,

the shirt!

It looks great!

- Where's the signature?

- Where's the signature?

- It must have washed off!

- Oh, I knew that machine

was too strong.

That delicate setting is a joke!

- Okay, so we just

need to re-write the

signature.

- Wait, before you do

anything--

- No more waity-waity.

I've been looking

at that signature all week.

Brownie Wilson's signature

is burned into my brain.

There.

- Who's Brownie Squishy Paws?

- You wrote,

"Brownie Squishy Paws."

- It just came out!

- Why would that just come out?

- I practiced that name all

day!

- You want the price tag

or all leather?

- It's over.

That's it.

I failed.

I'm sorry, Squishy Paws.

I let you down.

- You're giving up?

- Where's the girl

who rubbed butter on my face to

pop me out of that railing?

- And where's the girl

who decided to stop pulling

and just push me

right through that railing?

- And where's the girl

who pinned my arms down

while Dicky and Nicky

jammed my head into that railing

for laughing at them?

- I'm right here.

- Good, 'cause our team

could kind of use a leader.

- Nicky,

can you get the marker out?

- I say this

with full certainty:

possibly.

To the cafe!

This is my own formula.

It's super strong,

so a few drops is all we need.

[liquid splats]

[screams]

[all screaming]

- Hey, guys.

[all screaming]

- [screams]

Why are we screaming?

- Oh, we're just, uh...

Super excited about

all these new smoothie options.

- Yes, like mango-squash-onion.

[screams]

- Hey, who's thirsty?

- Well, not Ricky, because he

has some important work things

to do all the way over there.

- Yep. Work, work, work.

- He's a great kid.

You know,

we almost named him Gary,

but we couldn't think of three

other names that rhymed with it.

- Larry.

- Carrie.

- Harry.

- Oh, Mom!

What are you doing here?

- I just came to see

my amazing kids.

- And now you see one.

Now you don't.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Come here, I need a hug!

Wait, wait.

What's under your shirt?

- What?

No, I didn't.

- We have to rescue Ricky.

- Why are you acting so

strange?

Just show me

what's in your shirt.

- What do we do?

- I got this.

- Just show me

what's in your shirt!

Ow!

What are you up to?

- Commence phase two.

[computer beeps]

- Help!

- Okay, you stay right here.

Coming, Hazel!

Oh. Ow! Okay--all right--

- Where's the jersey?

- It's right over--

- Hey, isn't this Dad's jersey?

- Nope!

- Wait, let me see the jersey.

Okay, okay.

- I'm tellin' Dad

if you don't give me the jersey!

- Dicky, go long!

- Who's ready

for onion-y goodness?

[gasps]

No!

What have they done to you?

- It was an accident.

- We're really sorry, Dad.

- Don't apologize to me.

Apologize to her!

- We're really sorry, jersey?

- Well, we were just fighting

over the dog's name and--

- Oh, big surprise!

See, I thought you guys

were finally working together,

but you weren't.

Of course!

- You're right.

We screwed up,

just like we always do.

I guess this means--

Goodbye,

little guy.

I'll miss you.

- [howling]

- Sorry, buddy.

I just wish we'd come up

with a better plan.

- What plan?

- Well, after the dog

peed on the jersey,

we thought we could clean

it...

- So Nicky and I ran home,

but you were there, so we had to

go to the laundromat...

- And we washed

the signature off...

- And then you showed up and I

hit Hazel with snowballs...

- And no matter what we did,

we just made things worse.

- So you guys

did all this together?

- Well, yeah. We couldn't have

kept it a secret all day by

ourselves.

- All day?

You kept this from us all day?

Oh!

I am so proud of you!

- This is the strangest

I've ever been yelled at.

- But we ruined Dad's jersey

and tried to cover it up.

- Yes, but you tried to

cover it up together.

You lied to us as a team.

You were a united team

of little liars.

It's not exactly

what I had in mind,

but I will take it!

- What's happening?

- I'll tell you

what's happening.

He's staying with us.

- What?!

[all cheering]

- Mega fireworks!

[imitating explosions]

- Awesome! We're not in trouble

for ruining Dad's jersey!

- Oh, no,

you're in big trouble for that.

- Who cares?

We got our dog.

- Harper huddle.

All: Ah, Harper!

- Okay,

I totally deserved that. Wow.

- ♪ ♪

- [whistling melody]

♪ ♪

- [vocalizing]

♪ Yeah ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪

- ♪