All language subtitles for DUFE2003LLCoolJ

(YOU'RE ALL I NEED
TO GET BY PLAYING)

(SINGING) You're all I need

To get by

You're all
Like the sweet morning dew

I need I took one look at you

To get by
And it was plain to see

You were my destiny

You're all With arms open wide

I need to get by
I threw away my pride

I'll sacrifice for you

Dedicate my life to you Oh, oh

I will go where you lead
Come on, baby

Always there in time of need Oh

And when I lose my will

You'll be there
to push me up the hill

There's no looking back for us

We got love

Sure enough, that's enough

You're all You're all I need

To get by

You're all I need Oh

To get by Yeah, yeah, yeah

Listen You're all

Like an eagle
protects his nest
I need

For you I'll do my best
To get by

Stand by you like a tree

Dare anybody
to try and move me
You're all

Darling, in you I found I need

Strength when I
was torn down.
To get by

Don't know what's in store

But together we can
open any door
Oh

Just to do what's good for you
Come on, darling

And inspire you
a little higher
Oh

I know you can make a man

Out of a soul
that didn't have a goal

'Cause we
We got the right foundation

And with love and determination

You're all,
You're all I want to strive
for and do a little more

You're all
All the joys under the sun
wrapped up into one

You're all You're all I need

You're all I need

You're all I need Oh

To get by

Oh, baby Ooh-hoo

Oh, baby

(VOCALIZING)

Yeah I need you, darling

Oh, I need you You're all

All I need

Oh, oh, oh

Oh, baby All I need

You're all I need
I need your love

You're all I want Oh

RAY: You know when
a funeral is really awful?

When it's yours.

(CHUCKLES)

That's me, Ray Adams,

young, gifted and dead.

These are my remains.

And these three
mournful brothers,

they're the men who killed me.

Aw, they look so sad,
don't they?

But this is how
they really feel.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

But they're not
the real reason I'm dead.

These are their women.

Fine, ain't they?

Some families
are blessed
with great genes,

and the Dandridge sisters
had it all.

But they're not
the reason I'm dead either.

She is.

How did this
sweet-faced woman
cause a man to die?

Well, it began six months ago.

Go! Go! Go!

(SHOUTING)

COMMENTATOR:
Howard cuts up the middle,

breaks the tackle
and gets the first down...

(MEN WHOOPING)

Hey, baby, that's really
nice of you, sweetie,

but we already
have some food here.

Tim, what are you doing in here?

We're trying
to watch the game
that's right behind you.

My book club is meeting
in here tonight.

Baby, remember
when we talked
last month?

You said it was okay
if we watched the game.

Oh, yeah.
Well, Eva changed all that.

She was supposed to tell you.

Well, she didn't.

Hey, it's the men.
What are you fellows
doing here?

Are you joining our book club?
It's gonna be
very enlightening.

Sweetness, precious, listen.

Would it be okay, you know,

if you could take it
in the other room?

Because we're all settled in.

Yeah, the other room.

Well, I guess we could.

(LAUGHING)

MIKE: You got
a great girl!

I love you, baby.

EVA: No! No, we cannot!

Oh.

Michael, Timothy, Darrell,

our book club
is reading Beloved,

and we're gonna need
the television to watch
the film when we're done.

Oh, yeah, that's right, honey.

We need the room.

You did not tell me

you wanted
to use the room
in my house, Eva.

Well, I'm telling you
right now, Timothy.

And it is half
my sister's house too.

Community property.

See, 'cause I want Kareenah
to make a good impression
on the book club.

Don't you?
No!

Excuse me?

Yes.

Look, we were here first, Eva.

Yes, but certainly
the temporal proximity
of our advents

isn't determinative, is it?

I'll get back to you
on that one.

Yeah.

What she just say right there?

You don't get to me
with your $50 words, Eva.

DARRELL: That's right.

What would you say
if I demanded you
to leave this room?

Yeah.
Yeah.

I would say I find
your particular brand
of crack very amusing.

This isn't about a book

versus a football game, fellows.

Oh, no. This is about
men versus women.

Women who aspire to culture

and men who aspire
to scratch themselves.

Women who bear
the burdens in life

and men who create
those burdens.

Women who uplift humanity

and men who uplift lap dances.

If society were left
to the whims of men,

we'd still be in caves
carving pictures

with our non-opposable thumbs.

So, today, gentlemen,

is the day
for civilized behavior.

Today we women
raise our voices
against tyranny,

crudeness and play-off games.

And that is it, gentlemen.

End of story.
The fat lady's singing.

Out of the room.

By the way,
if any of that
was lost upon you

then I've just
proven my point again.

(CHUCKLES)

Excuse me.

Kareenah, baby.

I am putting my foot down.

(ALL SHOUTING)

Damn!
I can't stand her.

I can't stand her either,
but you know...

Come on,
you really need to
calm down, Darrell.

You're making me stressed.

Hey, you know what?
You need to stand up
to your wife, Timothy.

It's like she took
your balls and turned
them into earrings.

Your wife is bling-blingin'
with your nuts.

This is what we get for being
with Eva's little sisters.

They could never stand
up to us without Eva.

I really did think
I was getting one of the
fabulous Dandridge girls.

I didn't know it came with
the sister-in-law from hell.

You gotta admit,
they were the finest
women in the neighborhood.

We used to say that Daddy's
johnson should be bronzed.
Should be bronzed. Right.

Did you notice how
they stuck together
in an argument?

One for all and all for Eva.

That's how they're
getting down.
Come on, fellas.

We need to be more
compassionate.

I mean, their parents
died when they were
young and left them alone,

so they have to
stick together.
Yeah.

I should've used that
argument to get on Eva
about that Dandridge fund.

You know what?
I would've done it.

Look at you cosigning.

Mike, please, you
need to let that go.
Okay, okay, okay.

Every time, man, let it go.

They've been putting money
in that account ever since
they were teenagers, man.

And what are they
doing with it? Nothing.
WOMAN: Step away from my man.

I bet they don't
even know how much
is in there.

RAY: There's no need for this.

If he's your man,
then what's he
doing here with me?

Charity work, heifer.

Look, look, hey, hey, hey!

This is just a big
misunderstanding, okay?

Fellas, I know that brother.

Yo, Ray!

Hey.

I didn't even know
he was back in town.

You should be mad at me,
not each other.

I've been dating both of you.
True, we don't have
a commitment.

But I couldn't
decide between you.

Hey, fellas. I think he might
be the man to rid us of Eva.

That dude? Aw, hell, no.

No, you'd be better off
getting Ike Turner.

Man, they're about to cuss
his ass out, leave him
high and dry. Watch.

Yeah, he's right.

Let's go, all right?

Oh, me too?
Uh-huh.

Get out of here!

Be right back.

Did you see that?
Did you see that?
Wow!

Good to see you, man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Fellas, he said
he'll meet us here
the day after tomorrow.

Okay, so he's a freak.

How does that help us with Eva?

Eva just needs a man.

Come on, now.
Remember, we tried that?

MIKE: Yeah.
Remember Rashaun?

All I said was,
you was a little uptight.

But I like that though.

So it was like
a compliment in reverse.

Oh, reverse.

Yeah.
Right, I see.

You feeling me.
Yeah, sure.

Did you know that female
spiders eat the male when
she's done with him?

Yeah. They date, they laugh,
and then she turns his ass
into a crab cake.

Now, while the prospect
of biting your head off
makes me happy,

I am sure that ultimately
you are not a Happy Meal.

So, I'm moving on
to better cuisine.

Good-bye, Rashaun.

Eva, wait. You're just
gonna say good-bye?

Oh, no, it's not good-bye.
It's hello in reverse.

Eva. Come on, girl.

Eva put that man
in a mental ward.

Tim, you're always exaggerating.

Eva drove the brother insane.
I seen him last week.

Dude sound like Ron Harper.

Now he t-t-talk like Th-Th-this.

This can work with Ray.
The boy is a specialist.

He is a master player.

Listen, Ray can get Eva
to let go of her sisters.

Then when it's just
us and them we can
have all their love.

Right, right.
We can get him
to seduce her.

Yes!
Because all she really
needs is some you-know-what.

Hold up. What Eva
really needs is
a sensitive man.

Somebody that can
help her with her
personality problems.

What she needs is a dude that
can hit that ass till she
starts speaking in tongues.

Amen.

(CHANTING)

Right, right, right.

Can Ray do that?

Okay, later,
after we finish doing it,

we're gonna lie together
and hold each other and
talk for a while, right?

Okay. We can do it,
but I have to study.

Come on.

It's just...
Eva says if I stick
to a study schedule...

Don't say the "E" word.
Not in this house.

I have to stick to my
study schedule, okay?

Look, all of us agreed.

What is with you
Dandridge women?

I love my sisters, okay?

I'm sorry. I love you too.
It's just in a different way.

Okay. Then I demand that
you love me the same way
that you love them.

You and them it's like
apples and oranges.

What? Lady, I am your husband.

Okay? I pledged my life
to you before God

and a bunch of ugly
ass relatives
that I don't even like.

I gave up all my
wild ways for you,

and believe me, baby,
I had a hell of a lot of them.

I never told you about
the roses and the butt naked
midgets or none of that shit.

I had midget pros...
Uh-huh.

in different area codes.

Therefore, I demands
to be a damn orange.

You can stop playing now.

You know what? Fine.

If a brother
can't be an orange,
then you're cut off.

I'm cut off?
Yeah.

Yeah. That's right.
Back up.
I'm cut off?

Don't touch me.
You're gonna
cut me off?

Don't do that.

(SLOW JAZZ PLAYING)
Oh, damn.

Don't do this.

Oh, damn,
the flesh is weak. Oh.

Mmm.

Up.

(GROWLING)

Down.

(CHUCKLING)

(SINGING) Come on, baby

Right there.

Fight what you're feeling.

I got so much love...

Jacqui, I have
a dreadful problem.

Gosh, you're doing it.

How the hell
did you get in here?

Jacqui gave me a key
in case of an emergency.

Are you okay?

Don't mind us.
We're just having sex.

So I should just come back
in what, two minutes?

Is it really important?

Get your ass out!

Just give us one minute.

Oh, just one minute? Damn.
It's worse than I thought.

Man, what the...

She probably had
a bad day or something.

Look, hold on.
Where you going?

Eva needs me.

But, we need you too.

No, wait a minute!

Damn you, Eva!

So, you two still talking
about having a baby?

Shhh.

Not so loud.

If Tim even hears the word
baby, he jumps on top of me.

Oh, that's just his
male biological clock.

It's when a man begins
having baby fever
like a woman.

I read about it
in Psychology Today.

All I know is that every time
we argue about it
he ends up drinking.

The drinking isn't
serious, is it?

No, but...

Well, you know, his father
had a drinking problem.

Mmm.

What do you think I should do?

I don't like getting
in married people's
business.

There's nothing wrong
with a grown man having
an occasional drink.

Mmm.

Although a study did show
that a drinking problem
can be hereditary.

You don't want your baby
coming out the womb talking
about "Where the liquor at?"

You know what I'm saying?
It wouldn't be right.

Oh, hey, hey, hey. Baby!

I'm still drinking that.

Honey, I know, but you
shouldn't drink so much,
you know?

Eva and I were just talking
and this is not what you need.

Do you wanna do
the breathing exercises
Bethany talked about?

Baby, I don't wanna breathe,
I just want to drink.

I just want that drink.

Baby, I don't like
to bring up the past,

but you know that little
problem your daddy has.

I'm not my father.

Oh, sweetie, I know. I know.

It's just, tonight,
no more drinking for me.

Thank you. Thank you.

Baby, can I just...

(CUTTING)

(SCREAMING)

(AIN'T NO STOPPIN'
SUNSHINE PLAYING)

(SINGING) Ain't no
stopping sunshine

Ain't no stopping me

Ain't no stopping all the love
that sets the people free

(CHUCKLING)

Aw, come on, honey.
Sing it with me, baby.

No.
It's our theme song.

No. No. No. No.
Oh, party poop.

Don't try to tell me
to wait till I belong

Hey, I'm in here!

You can't convince me

I hate that damn song!

Ew!
Smell that.

Don't matter what you say
you can't climb ahead

I push the fear away

You remember what I said now

You can't stop the tide
rising high, no

You can't stop the light
in my eyes

Oh, no

You can't keep me down
I'll tell you why

Ain't no stopping sunshine

Ain't no stopping me

Ain't no stopping
all the love
that sets the people free

Ain't no stopping wisdom

Or changing people's minds

Ain't no stopping sunshine

We'll leave the dark behind

Oh, yeah, yeah

This is Ray Adams.
What's happening?

I thought you moved to Florida.

I did. I worked at a car
dealership down there,
but that was about a year ago.

I never keep a job
more than a year.

I work for Jomo's Meats
in LA now.

I know Jomo's.

Why do you quit your job
every year? What's that
about, brother?

Well, I have to
service my many talents.

Oh.

I was brought up an orphan.
No mama, no daddy. No ties.

That's how I do it.

If you guys hadn't noticed,
Ray is quite the player.

As we saw the other night.

Yeah. Love your work, baby.

You ought to be exempt
from taxes for that shit.

Nothing Mike couldn't do, right?

Oh no, I turned in
my player card, Ray.

I'm practically engaged, man,
to a beautiful woman
named Bethany.

Congratulations.
Thank you, thank you.

She's gorgeous too,
but not as fine
as her sister, Eva.

Yeah, I can't even front.

I wish I was
good enough for Eva.

I wish I was her
garbage, man. Look, look.

Pow!

(CHUCKLES)

She's cute. But why is
she scowling like that?

Her face is so tight.

That's her sexy smirk,
brother, she ain't scowling.

Right. Right.

W-W-What's c-c-cracking,
f-fellas?

B-Bitch!

Whoa!
Bitch!

Devil!
Hey! Hey!

Back over here, man.

Don't pay the retard.

The drinking...
He got out early,
that's all.

Ray, how would you like
to meet Eva?

Is she giving it up?

"Is she giving it up?"
"Is she giving it up?"

Man, she's double-jointed.
"Is she giving it up?"

She's looking up
at her feet every night.

Bumping her head
on the headboard, all that.

That's right.

So, I only have one question.
What's wrong with her?

Nothing.
Nothing. Nothing.

So three grown men
walk into a bar

to hook up a man for
a perfectly good woman.

So, what is it?
She's got five kids,

a violent ex-con boyfriend?

Is she one of those evil,
nasty sisters, who beats
a brother down till he's dust?

What is it?

It's the ex-con thing, bro.

Darrell!

Ray, I gotta be honest with you.

Eva is a piece of work,
but we're prepared

to make it worth your
while to take her out.

You're gonna pay me
to go out with her?

Are you worried that that
makes you look like a gigolo?

No. I mean,
I kind of like that aspect.

Okay.

All right.

I'm in a financial bond.

My landlord is selling my
house. I need cash to buy it.

Man, that is perfect.
Then we all can benefit
from this deal.

Here's what we need
you to do. Take her out
for a couple of months.

Not just distract her,
but make her fall
hard for you.

I can definitely do that.
And I love a challenge.

But, really, she can't be
all that bad, can she?

Eva's sisters gave her
a cross with Jesus
on it for her birthday.

The next day, Jesus was gone.

You're kidding, right?
No.

And when you do it,
you have to make her
fall in love with you,

then you tell her that
you're leaving town and
get her to go with you.

Then you can dump her.
Yes.

It'll take her years
to relocate.

Time out. I'm sorry.
This ain't my kind
of thing, you know.

I'm a lover, not a con man.

Mike, let's hang out
sometime, okay?

But, Ray...

Get him a drink.

Take another look at her.

That's not a zero.

But think about it, Ray.

You just had to bring up
the Jesus thing.

He got muscles.
I didn't think he
could be scared of her.

Hey, I went out with that
construction guy yesterday.

The cute one?
Mmm-hmm.

And you know we
ended up in the bed.

Did he have to take
a number, or was
the line moving briskly?

Ooh!

(LAUGHING)

No, no, tell it,
please, Ormandy, go.

Thank you, Eva.

Honey, he dropped his pants,

and he whipped it out all proud.

And I said, "Oh, no.
Where's the rest of it?"

(ALL LAUGHING)

(IN FOREIGN ACCENT)
Ya have to put man in place
sometime, ya hear that?

Did she just call me a bitch?

BETHANY: Right.

What's up?

(WOMEN CAT CALLING)

Hey!

Hey, baby.

Listen, Eva, I need to have
a little talk with you
about the Dandridge fund.

Why is that, Michael?
You're not in our family.

But I'm almost in, Eva.

Almost isn't in, now, is it?

Mike, honey, do you really
want to get into an argument
with a woman in here, hmm?

Got some Frosted
Mini-Wheats in your scalp.

Hey! You're fine.

You're right, baby.
Got that thing for me?

Oh, yeah.

Fiber? "Fiber Power."

Are you okay, Mike?

Is everything moving all right?

He's a little irregular.

All right, you don't
have to announce it.

I got something for that.

And if she can't fix you,
I know I can.

You need to quit, Telly,
'cause I ain't even c-close
to going your way.

Damn. Let me call
headquarters.

TELLY: Hello? Yeah, it's me.

Listen, take Mike off the list.

Mmm-hmm.

Sixty-nine out.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I should've never came
to this place
better known as Man Hell.

No, this is a female sanctuary.

The way the whole world
ought to be,
ain't that right, ladies?

Mmm-hmm.

See you, baby.
Bye.

Get some milk
for them corn flakes.

Hey.

You should really start
making him take better
care of himself,

if you guys are
gonna get married.

He should get a colonic
or see a specialist.
And I know a good one.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Hey, got your order.
Where do you want it?

Freezer number one.

Make sure you stack them neatly.

Excuse me.

Hello.
Where's Leonard?

He's sick. I'm Oscar,
the assistant manager.

Okay, Oscar,
I'm Inspector Dandridge
from the health department.

Yes, I've heard about you.

Good. Then you know the drill.

Let's get clean.

(BEEPING)

It does not look good, Oscar.

I found contamination
in red zones.

Your glass freezer door
has a hairline break in it.

And I found black pellets
behind the food containers
in the back.

That is probably just graphite
from the new units we put in.

Your water's only 105 degrees.

Can you just let that slide?

The requirement is 110,
because science tells us

at that temperature all
dangerous organisms will die.

That means in your water,
some will live.

And not just any germs, Oscar,
oh no, the bad-ass ones,

the ones that can swim
in 105-degree-temperature
water

and live to party on
some child's French fries.

We don't serve fries.

Are you mocking me?

No, ma'am.

That's good
because I'm not done yet.

This entire kitchen gets
a level four sanitation
or you get written up.

What? No, that means
it's in the newspaper.

Thank goodness for you
I've got a soft heart.

Heart? You don't
have a heart.

You got a hole
with an ice pump in it.

I don't understand you.
Why do you have to be so
goddamn uncompromising?

It's called principle, Oscar.

Maybe the world
is in short supply,
but I am not.

People pay their tax dollars
for my principle

so they can go into
a restaurant and not
eat chicken fried rat

or bite into a bacon,
lettuce and ptomaine
sandwich.

If I slack up on you,
then I have to cut
everyone a break,

and pretty soon the almonds
on your salads have legs.

If that makes me uncompromising,

well, I wear it as a badge
of honor, because I'm in
damn good company.

Martin Luther King
was uncompromising,

Nelson Mandela
was uncompromising,

and I'm sure your mother
was uncompromising,

although the evidence
of that is not apparent today.

So, why don't you think of me
as your mom right now?

And Mama says,
"Clean it up!"

See you in 48 hours.

All right. I'll go
on the date with Eva.

Mmm! Yes! Yes!

What made you change
your mind, Ray?

I saw her at a restaurant.

If I can get that woman,
I'll go down in the
Player Hall of Fame.

(LAUGHING)

You sure will.
Okay, okay.

So what's your price?

I need $5,000 to get the house.

Five thousand dollars?

I don't know, man.

Hey, hey, hey...

MAN: (ON RADIO)
What did you say about
five thousand dollars?

I said,

"Five pounds of collards
greens, man. No ham."

Ordering soul food.

Five thousand dollars?

Yes, man.

I saw her in action.
You're getting off cheap.

No, Ray, man...
I gotta talk to the
guys about this, Ray.

All right. Let me know.
I'm ready.

(RADIO CHATTERING)

Thank you. Thank you.

I want to talk to you
for a second, Eva.

What about, sir?

I was offered a position
as Deputy Health Inspector
in Chicago.

That's great.

I'm not taking the job,
but I think you should
consider it.

Me, Theo?

The representative
from Chicago has been
here all week,

checking out my best inspectors.

He liked you.

Send in Mr. Tillman.

WOMAN ON INTERCOM: Yes, sir.

Oh, goodness.

Hello, Eva.

You were checking me out
the other day.

Yes, I was.

And you were amazing.

You passed with flying colors.

I should have worn my diaper.

Chicago's a tough town.

We need our inspectors
to have your intensity.

Okay!

I'm at a loss for words.

And that doesn't happen often.

You don't have
to say anything now.

I've still got a few more
candidates in other cities
to look at.

But I'll let you know
in a few weeks
when I make my decision.

Meeting you was

an experience.

Theo.

Right. Bye.

That's great.
I wanted your job,
but this is way better.

Oh, my God!

This will be very
exciting for you.

Better job, more money
and a new city.

Yeah, my sisters are...

What?

Nothing.

I'm sure they're gonna be
really happy for me.

Thank you for recommending me.

Thanks.

I will see you in two weeks.
Thank you.

Great.
Bye.

How come I can never get
my toes done on girls' night?

Because it's only
for the Dandridge sisters.

And nobody wants to touch
your funky ass feet.

(LAUGHING)

Oh! Ladies, ladies,
guess who I saw.

Lucius Johnson.

Luscious Lucius.

Mmm.

I wouldn't mind
seeing him again.

TELLY: Me neither.

BETHANY: I wonder
if he's married.

Eva, are you okay?

Yeah, sure.
Why wouldn't I be?

Are you still stuck on Lucius?

No! G-God! Come on.
Ancient history.

Eva, once you give
a man some of your energy,
he always has it.

Especially if he
popped that cherry.

Pop, pop, pop!

No, no, no! There was no
pop, pop, popping
of any cherries.

Lucius was my first,
and I was his. That's all.

Eva, listen,
the best way to get
over an old man...

Is to get under a new one.

Yeah!

I... I am not thinking
about Lucius. Okay?

It's girls' night, right?

And I'm sure that a group
of intelligent women
can come together

and talk about
something besides men.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Sad.

Okay, well, Tim did
introduce me to somebody
new in his department.

Do you wanna meet him?

I do need a date
to the mayor's formal
fundraiser in a couple weeks.

All right. I'll bite.
What are his vitals?

Thirty-six, divorced, two kids.

I hear he's in group therapy.

Pass.
Uh-uh.

Girl, messed-up men
are the best ones.

A messed-up man is redundant.

I don't need to be set up, okay?

I'm good.
I prayed on this.

God... God is gonna
take care of it.

God ain't shipping out no men.

Like hell he ain't.

Look here, when you talk to God,

tell him a sister
needs a tall, fine one.

And not gay.

(ALL LAUGHING)

TELLY: You know
you want the soul pole.

No, he didn't.
Bam!

No, he didn't!

A star for a star.

(CHUCKLES)

You shouldn't let Eva stop us
from moving in together, Beth.

See, I just don't sense
that we're spiritually

in tune with each
other completely.

(SIGHS)

And besides,
we're not married. Hmm?

I'm not gonna propose
just to spend the night.

Okay. Have I ever
pressured you about that?

Of course not.

And Eva says cohabitation
does not increase

the chances
of a lasting relationship.

Oh, my God.
Will you stop it
with the Evaisms?

That woman
with her statistics
and her philosophies...

Mike, honey.
She's very intelligent.

Don't hate on her for it.

Well, if she's so smart,
why doesn't she
dissolve the fund

and let you
live your own lives
with your own money?

You know what?
This is stress.

You wanna do
some meditation, hmm?

(HUMMING)

No.

No meditation.

Stress is why your colon
is all clogged up.

Thanks to Eva's doctor,
my colon is a freeway.

Look, all I wanna do
is spend the night with you.

And not have to get up
in the middle of the night
like some criminal.

I enjoy spending time with you.

I love the way you blink.

I love that smile.

I love you.

I love you, too.

But why should a man buy
the software when he can
download for free?

That is Eva talking.

That is not you talking.
No, actually

Jacqui said it,
but it doesn't matter.

You know, Eva took
charge of the family
after my parents died.

(INAUDIBLE)

If we wanna have a child,
it should be our decision,
not Eva's.

All she said was
that most marriages fail
within the first five years.

Fifty-two percent.
We've only been
married for three.

If we had a baby
and something were
to go wrong,

then there's an innocent life
hanging in the balance
of our failure.

Nothing is going

to go wrong.

Mmm. Hmm?

Besides, you know I didn't
have a good relationship
with my father.

Honey, I know, but...

And all I want

is my chance to be a good daddy,

to have a little brown bundle

of love and life.

And I want it
because I love you.

Now, tell me, is that so wrong?

Fifty-two percent.

(SCOFFS)

Honey, Eva gives great advice.

She put me through med school,
you know?

God, do I know that!

You know what?
You're not married to me.

You're married to Eva.
I'm just a handyman
with a penis.

Tim, like you ever fix
anything around here!

What... What did I say?

(WADE IN THE WATER PLAYING)

(SINGING) Wade in the water

Wade in the water, children

Wade in the water

God's gonna trouble the water

Stepped in the water
The water was cold

God's gonna trouble the water

Chill my body, not my soul

God's gonna trouble the water

God's gonna trouble the water...

I cannot believe we are paying
five grand to this man.

Just think of it
as an investment.

Once Eva's gone,
we'll all be happy.

Wade in the water

TIM: It was a great idea,
you having him
meet Eva at church.

She is going to love that.
Well...

Fellas, I don't think
we should be talking
about this here.

God might hear us.
God made Eva,
so we're even.

Speaking of which,
where is this guy?

Church is almost over.

Tim, this is a black church.
It's never over.

Water

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Excuse me.

Yo, what took you so long?

I'm not the churchgoing type.
You people get up early.

Nice job with the choir,
Eva, girl.
They were bangin'.

You know, Reverend,
your sermon today was great.
I mean, bang-up job.

Although you did miss
a word of that verse
from the Book of Acts.

I think I was the only one
who caught it and,
well, God, of course.

So I took the liberty
of jotting down
a few suggestions

on how you can do
better in the future.

Say what?

My child, please.
I appreciate that.

But you know what?
I got this.

Praise the Lord.
Praise him.

Eva, we're all waiting for you.

Can't you see I'm busy,
Michael? I am speaking
with the reverend.

Oh, no, no, honey.
Please, go.

Go back to your friends.
Please... No. Go.

Actually, Reverend,
I needed to talk to you
and get your advice

for a friend of mine
who has a dilemma about
a job she's considering.

Mmm. I've got people
who have much bigger
problems, Eva.

People whose souls need to be
saved from eternal damnation.
Stuff like that.

A soul lasts forever,
Reverend,
and this job may not.

Please, I need to tell her
what to do.

Tell your friend I...

Follow her heart.

Now, please, excuse me.

Amen.

Eva, this is Ray Adams,
a friend of mine.

Hello.

Hello, Raymond.

Call me Ray.
No one calls me Raymond.

I do, Raymond.

(CHUCKLES)

What's so funny?

I love a woman
who speaks her mind.

My girlfriend's the same way.

Well, good for her.

Ray, I didn't know
you were seeing anyone.

Oh, yeah, about six months now.

I see a friend of mine
over there. It's nice
to meet you. All of you.

What the hell was that, man?

Why did you tell her
you had a woman?
We gave you half the money.

If you're thinking
about screwing us,

mmm-mmm.
Calm down.
Calm down. Calm down.

No woman wants a man
who another woman
doesn't already want.

The next time I meet her,
I'll make my move.

I'm sure me and my
girlfriend will be having
trouble by then.

(CHUCKLING)

You're good.
I should've known.
Yeah.

Look here, Tim is having
some people over next week
for a barbecue.

Why don't you come by?
I will.

Just let the master
handle his business.

By the way,
I'm gonna need
a little expense money.

Expenses for what?

I need funding to take
Eva on a date.

What about the $5,000?

That was my fee.

"Fee," "expenses."
See how the words
are different?

Three hundred should do it.

Three hundred?

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

Three hundred dollars?

All right. Fine. Fine.

But you're on it.

Like wet paint.

Okay.

Mike's friend Ray
was pretty fine.

Yeah, and he has a girlfriend.

Leave him alone.

All the good prospects
are all taken.
Or gay.

You should always use
an opportunity like this
to swoop on a man, Eva.

When Mr. Mason
left his wife last year,
I jumped right on it.

Ormandy, Mr. Mason is 70.

Oh, you crazy.
See, an old man is
a perfect man.

You give him a little Viagra
so he can handle his business,

and right before he gets
on your nerves, honey,

he dies and leaves you his cash.

That's like having a dick
with a lottery number
on it! Yeah!

Mmm-mmm, that's nasty.

JACQUI: Eva isn't
a home wrecker.

So don't worry about him,
big sis.
You can do much better.

Jacqui, you are
always blocking on Eva.

I do not.

You do too. You're spoiled.

You always wanna
keep Eva to yourself.

No, that's ridiculous.

Isn't that, Eva?

Of course it is, honey.

Jacqui, you are a big-ass baby.

The queen of big-ass babies.

So why are you guys
always ganging up on me?

Because you're an evil,
twisted little heifer.

Twisted!
Ladies, is this
how we behave?

It has been this way
since we were little!

When you cut off my baby
doll's head when I was 10!

You broke my Boo-Boo Kitty,
so the bitch had to die!

(ALL SHOUTING)

I'm moving to Chicago.

Eva, what did you just say?

I'm moving to Chicago.

I might be getting
a better job and moving

to Chicago.

My boss told me the other day.

Come on. I mean,
it's Deputy Health
Inspector of Chicago!

It's a great opportunity.

Look, I've been looking
for a way to tell you guys.

So there it is in a nutshell.

Eva, Th-that...
That's great for you.

Yeah, it... it is.

ORMANDY: Girl, there's some
fine brothers up in Chicago.

So you're just
gonna up and leave,
just like that?

No, I have to get the job first.

I'll find out in a few weeks.

Oh, I'm sorry.

First you get the job,
then you pack up and leave
like a thief in the night?

You're just gonna
leave us like that?
Jacqui, do not attack Eva.

She has sacrificed for us.
I'm not!

Okay, okay, stop!

Please, stop it! Stop it!

If you don't want me to go,
Jacqui, I won't.

It's not my decision.

It is if you're gonna
hate me for it.

I don't wanna
lose your friendship,
any of you.

Jacqui doesn't mean it, do you?

I do want you to be happy, Eva.

So if going makes you happy,

I'm happy.

You sure?

You promise?

Yeah.

Oh!

I love you, sister.
I love you too, sister.

Mmm-hmm. We so pretty,
perfect and shit.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(R&B MUSIC PLAYING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Hey, make sure you
cook that meat thoroughly.

I'd hate to tell you
what kind of things
live in raw meat.

Please don't.
Thank you very much, Eva.

(CHOKING)

Babe.
Is he eating
those beans again?

I see Darrell found
my spicy baked beans.

Give him the Heimlich.

Separates the men from the boys.

MIKE: He knows better.

Give him some bread,
you guys. Bread.

Baby, here, eat this.
Eat this. Here, here, here.

If you wanna help,
stop making these damn beans
every function, Eva!

What did you put in that stuff?

Special recipe,
only for a real man.

I just wanna hear him talk.

Give him some more beans.
Can he talk?

Oh, hey. I didn't know
Mike's friend was coming.

Oh, baby, listen.
Why don't you
take care of this?

I'm gonna go over
and say hello.
Okay.

Excuse me, Eva.
Thank you.

Ray, what's up, yo?

He's really fine, Eva.

I'm not impressed by that, much.

You say hi to Ray, man?

(COUGHING)

Give him a chance.
You gotta bend a little, girl.

Are you saying
I'm not accessible?

Yes, that is what
I'm saying, Eva.

You know,
you're too good
of a person to be alone.

How's it going?
Good, good, good.

Everything's cool?
Yeah.

I'm your sister, I love you,
and I'm asking you to bend.

Okay, but it's the fine ones
who leave you broke,

with bad credit and
a hair weave you don't need.

Mmm-mmm-mmm!

Hello again, Eva.

Hi, Raymond.

Look here,
I hope you don't mind,
but I invited Ray.

No, he's most welcome.

Look, I have to
go tell Darrell something.

I'll be right back.

Yeah, you know what?
These, we don't
need to cook these.

Excuse us.

Good to see you.

So, Raymond, what is it
that you do again?

I deliver meat for Jomo's.

Meat delivery.
Interesting.

Jomo's deals in
only premium meats,
high-end clientele.

What about you?
I'm a health inspector.

That sounds interesting too.

I need a gurney for my ass.

See the man with flames
coming out of his ass?

We're gonna need backup.
Thank you.
Squeeze and pull.

How about we go
get a plate of food?

Sure. A nice hot one.

Two minutes and she
has not insulted him.

This could be very promising.

Mmm-hmm. They feel
good together to me.

So, you wanna go out
with me sometime?

Is your girlfriend coming too?
'Cause we could
all play canasta

or Parcheesi
or Taboo or something.

Well, she's...

Actually, it's not
working out. We're not
together anymore.

Oh.

So, one car breaks down and
you just hop into another one?

I'd like to think
that going out with you
is riding in a limo.

I'm sorry. Did I insult you?

No. No, it was very funny.

I just don't laugh a lot.

Lord, help me.
That's a good-looking man.

I can't keep my legs together.

The sun comes up
and you can't keep
your legs together.

Telly.

He's got sneaky eyes.

Jacqui, don't you start.

I didn't make the man's
eyes all beady and shifty.

Shhh!
What?

You never answered my question.

What question was that?

Will you go out with me?

Look, Raymond, I know
we just met, and you seem
like a really nice guy,

but I think I should
tell you a little something
about myself.

Okay.

I know the one thing
that scares men to death.

What's that?
I know the truth about them.

And the truth is,
most men don't really know
what they want.

I've been through
all the basic types.

The player-players
who think women
are disposable toys.

The confused man,
who doesn't know if he wants
to date you or your brother.

The lazy ones, who live with
their mother and expect you
to pick up the check.

So if you really
wanna go out with me,

realize that it means
being a gentleman,

understand that it means
respecting my mind,
body and spirit.

Eva, I'm not afraid of you.

And I wanna
go on record as saying
I totally respect

your mind and your spirit.

What about my body?
It's beautiful.

But will you respect it?

I'll do anything to it
you want me to.

Look at that.
The corners of your mouth
actually turn up.

A smart-ass.
I like that.

So, will you go out with me?

He's eating the beans.
He's eating the beans.

Oh, no, brother.
Don't do it, brother.

(INHALES SHARPLY)

Whoo! That's good.
That's really good.

Kareenah sure can cook, huh?

Actually, I made those beans.

Really?

You put your foot
in them, girl.
Damn, I love spicy food.

How about
we go out this weekend?

Sounds good.

Fabulous.

EVA: You're late.
I know.

I left early,
but there was a real bad
accident on the street.

Really?

Who told you I like lilies?

Sometimes a man gets lucky.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Looks like somebody likes...

I was noticing all the
pictures of the horses.

(EXHALES)

You look good.

I love horses.
And thank you.

Here, let me take
these from you.

You ever see the accident
rates on these things?

They're very dangerous.

No.

That's why I drive this.

(CHUCKLING) Okay.

You're joking, right?

(ALARM BEEPS)

Nope.

(GRUNTS)

This is what you drive
when you take out a woman?

Yeah. It's clean
and it's free.

I'm saving to buy a house.

Oh. I can understand that.
Home ownership
is very important.

Does your mother
live with you?
No.

Even better.

My boss has been hinting
he might want to slow down.

Let somebody run
the day-to-day for him.

I think he might
want me to do it.

That's great.
When do you start?

I'm thinking about it.

There is nothing wrong
with a little ambition,
Raymond.

I was a secretary
in my department.
Now I'm the lead inspector.

I gave myself
five years to get there.
I did it in four.

There you go,
doing that thing you do
with your face again.

Just drive your meat wagon, man.

Did you hear about
the black caveman
they found?

They knew he was black
by the curve of his jaw,
length of his spine,

Cadillac he was buried in.

(LAUGHS)

You tell me a joke now.

I'm not a jokey-joke
type person, so...

Okay. How about
a little music?

(SWEET THING PLAYING)

Ah!

All right, all right.

Yeah.

I love this record.

(SINGING) I will love you anyway

Even if you cannot stay

I think you are the one for me

Here is where you ought to be

I just want to satisfy you

You're not mine
and I can't deny you

Don't you hear me talking, baby?

Love me now or I'll go crazy

Oh, sweet thing

Don't you know
you're my everything?

Oh, sweet thing

Don't you know
you're my everything?

This must be a pretty
good restaurant, you being
a health inspector and all.

Oh, yeah. Most places
I can't even go to.

They try to poison me.
But this place...
Oh, God, it's different.

The manager has OCD.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder.

He cleans all day long.
You could eat off the floors.

Sounds appetizing.

Oh, you think that's funny?

Did you know that if food
isn't prepared just right,

your throat can close up
and you can drown
in your own vomit?

Oh, I'm hungry now.

Mmm! Just like
Mama used to make.

Okay. That's really funny,
Raymond, but I know
when somebody's choking.

(LAUGHS)

You can stop now.

(CHUCKLING)

Oh, my God. Call 911!

(GRUNTS)

That's not the hug
I was hoping for,
but it'll do for now.

(COUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

I'm just playing.

Is everything all right?
Yes.

My friend here was
just telling a little joke.

What are you doing here?

Well, well, Inspector Dandridge.

Now, you... you manage
the Red Leaf restaurant
across town.

Oh, no, not after
your last inspection.

I was fired
for a broken light bulb
in a freezer. Remember?

No. No, no, no,
I don't want you.

I want the man with OCD.

Eva, relax.
MANAGER: Sorry,

the old manager's not here.
How's that salad working?

You know, we used
our special house dressing
just for you.

Creamy, isn't it?

I'm not eating here.
Let's go.

I'm sure it's okay.
Did you hear what I just said?

I am not eating here.
Let's go!

Okay. Okay.

Don't forget to validate.

Don't be mad at me.
I just wanted to stay.

And have her
put things in my food?
I don't think so, pal.

I just think you
overreacted a little bit.

You're a civil servant,
not the FBI.

Well, excuse the hell out of me.

Why don't you tell me
about the demanding world
of meat delivery?

So, you just basically
pick it up and deliver it
to a guy named Bob?

Or is there some sort
of math involved?

You don't need to be so nasty.

Oh, there is definitely a need
for me to get nasty.

My job is serious.
It is not a hobby.

Guess what, meat boy?
I'm sure my job
pays more than yours does.

So in my eyes, the eyes
of society and the IRS,

that makes me bigger
and better than you.

So why don't you
think about that
the next time you're out

doing the complex work
of toting around a pig's ass.

'Cause that's like
a family thing.

(PHONE RINGING)

You know,
with the thing...
Excuse me.

Hello?
Kareenah, it's Eva.
I need to talk.

(PHONE RINGING)

Whoosh. Whoosh.

Hey.
It's Eva.

And Kareenah.
We got an emergency.

(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS)
Jacqui, it's Eva.

And Kareenah.
And Bethany.
Code seven, girl.

(GASPS)

No!
What's up?

The date was catastrophic.

Wait till I tell you
what happened. This fool
had the nerve to...

What the hell went wrong?

Kareenah was falling
in love with having a baby.

And me and my wife
were cuddling. I mean,

I was hitting it real manly,
and I didn't get to finish.

They had
a four-way phone conference
about your date all night.

I thought you was
the master player.
The master player.

I can't get to her.
Most women have a few
barriers around their hearts.

Eva has an electrified fence
with rabid pit bulls. Okay?

And that mouth!
My ears are still bleeding.

We got to do something
about this, 'cause we can't
have Eva messing up our plan.

Ray, listen, all you have to do

is find a way to get back
on her good side. That's all.

He's gotta sleep with her.
That's what you gotta do.
Yeah, that's it.

Look, I would love
to have another shot
with her, all right?

My pride was hurt.
But I'm sure it's
out of the question.

What, you don't like women?

Watch yourself now.

You have to have sex with her.

I don't think that's the answer.

Oh, man, he don't like women!
I told you this dude was...

Hey, hey!
I do like women, all right?

How are you?

Look, fellas, I'm sorry,

but there's no way she's
gonna go out with me again.

No way. I'll give you
your money back.

You're damn right you will.

EVA: 'Cause I'm
in damn good company.

Martin Luther King
was uncompromising.

Nelson Mandela:
uncompromising.

Confucius: uncompromising.

And so am I.
Here is your citation.

RAY: Eva.
What, Raymond?

I am working.
So am I.

And you're right.
There's no math involved.

RAY: Why did I stop
her from leaving?

It wasn't just curiosity
that made me go after her.

Now that I'm dead,
I know it was something
special about Eva.

I know you're upset with me,
but I want you
to go out with me again.

And why is that?

'Cause you're pretty.

That's the most shallow
thing I've ever heard.

It's not like I got to really
know you. So basically,
I'm working on beauty here.

Well, you know what?
I am so much more than
what's on the outside, okay?

More than what appeals
to some meat man.

(LAUGHS)

And thank you
for the compliment.

I feel like I owe you.
We can do anything you want.

Anything?

Anything. Sky's the limit.

(MORE THAN A WOMAN PLAYING)

(SINGING) Lookin' back,
reminiscing on

Caught up really doing bad,
then you put me on...

Wait. Okay. Okay.
Whoa. Whoa.

Never mind I'm hatin' niggas
up and down the block, babe

You're the blood in my veins...

(SCREAMING)

You're the air I breathe
on a hot summer day

You're like a shirt
with no sleeves

What makes me a man,
any man could see

You're more than
a woman to me...

(RAY GRUNTING)

Whoa! Oh, God. Oh, God.
Hang on! Hang on!

My ass feels like it got
caught in a blender.

You did good.
You only fell what,
four times?

Yeah.

I have a confession to make.
I used you.

I can't afford to
come here all the time.

I come what, once a month
when I save my pennies.

When you asked
to go out again, I didn't
really want to, but...

I thought, you know...

I guess that makes me
a bad person, right?

No. I just wanted to make up
for the other night.

Did you know I wanted to be
a horse trainer
when I was a little girl?

No. But I could have guessed.

What happened?

I had to take care of my
sisters, and a beginning horse
trainer doesn't pay big bucks,

so I took a job with the city
and another as a waitress.

And there you go.
Steady paychecks.

So why didn't you go
back to it after your
sisters were okay?

You know what?
Let's do something
you want to do.

Anything?

Yeah, sure.

(WHINNYING)

I have to say, this is exactly
how I thought you'd be living.

What, you got something
against pool?

No, but a sofa wouldn't
kill you, would it?

Uh-uh.

Your turn.

So how does a meat delivery man

afford a nice place like this?

He struggles and makes do.

Did I tell you
my boss and I are going
to the mayor's mansion

so we can show him cuts for
a private dinner he's having?

You're doing a meat show
for the mayor?

Meat presentation.
There's a subtle difference
of humiliation.

So you never did
answer my question:

why you didn't go back
into horse training after your
sisters got on their feet?

I don't want to talk
about it, okay?

It's hard to get
to know someone when
they won't talk to you.

You know, we're having
a really good time
right now, Raymond.

Let's just drop it, okay?

Did you know

that I was an orphan
just like you
and your sisters?

My mom gave me up
after I was born.

I don't think she even knew
who my father was.

Yeah, so that explains it,

why the idea of staying
in one place
scares you so much.

Scares me? I said
I was a multi-talented guy
that liked to travel.

I didn't say I was scared.

I read about it.

When a child is abandoned,

he becomes afraid
that his entire life
will fall apart again.

I don't think
you should feel bad about it.

It's a completely
natural reaction.

Okay then. I won't
feel bad about it.

What about you?

(SCOFFS)

Okay.

Our parents died
in a car accident
when I was 18.

Insurance paid for the house,

and we started a bank
account that we called
the Dandridge fund.

I guess as they grew older,

I settled into this cushy
little life I have now

and I didn't wanna go back
and chase dreams
of becoming a horse trainer.

So I guess if it doesn't
kill you, it makes
you stronger, huh?

I think what people mean
when they say that

is that you deal with
whatever pain that you have
by building a bridge over it

with all the things that life
hasn't taken away from you.

So if it doesn't kill you,
it makes you build a bridge.

Yeah. Yeah. That's good.
I like that.
I'm gonna use that.

You should be proud of yourself.

No. I'm proud
of my sisters.

What about you, Eva?
I know all that
devotion cost you.

It did.

There was this guy,
Lucius Johnson.

Lucius.

Anyway, he was
our local Mr. Everything.

You know.
We were young,
but it was serious.

We were gonna get married,
and Ready for the World
was gonna sing at our wedding.

But he asked me to choose
between him and my sisters.

And when I didn't choose him,
he dumped me.

Why didn't you choose him?

Because my sisters needed me
more than he did,

and what I needed didn't matter.

So, what about you, Raymond?
What has the tragedy
in your life given you?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

MIKE: You know.

Just cough up the damn money
so I can get goin'.

Okay, I didn't mean
to interrupt.

Yeah, you never do, Mike.

Pay you on the bet later, Mike.

No problem, Ray.

It's all good, baby.

Mike's a lucky pool player.

That I am.

Look, I'm gonna let you two
get back to your date.

See you later.

(MIKE WHOOPING)

You know, Mike
and his little buddies
are not fooling me.

I didn't think so.

No. They set us up,
you and me.

They want us to date
so I'll stay
out of their hair.

You might not believe this.
They don't really
like me very much.

I didn't get that.

Really?

So, do you mind that
they set you up with me?

Just show me how
to hit the ball straight.

You want me to show you
how to hit the ball straight?
Yeah.

First, hold the stick straight.

That's it.
Now slide the stick
between your fingers.

Oh.

Eva never misses our night.

Something must have happened.

Maybe she had an accident.

Oh, please.
You know Eva would call
from the ambulance.

Eva's with Ray.

What?

But she hates him.
We all agreed.

How do you know that?

She called me on her
cell phone to say that

she and Ray were going
horseback riding.

I guess it went well.

Horses?
Three words: erotic.

(CHUCKLING)

Horses make me feel all tingly.

Shut up. Shut up.

Oh, my God.

Eva has a man.

(STAR FOR LIFE PLAYING)

(SINGING) I am your
star for life
Yes, I am

Entertaining for you
All night long

And I'm willing to do
Yes, I am
Yes, I am

Anything you want to
What you want me to do

Baby, I'll shine so bright
Shine so bright

When you look up at me

You will understand we
Were meant to be

I am your song

Ready to be sung

And the name of this tune

Is I'm Your Number One

Whenever You Need Me

Just call on my name

And I'll be there in a hurry

And on that you can depend
and never worry

I'll be your star for life
I'm your star

Hey, guys.

Eva.

Chi-town is calling you.

THEO: Congratulations, Eva.

I don't know what to say. Wow.

Can I have some time
to think about it?

Sure, but why?
This is a great opportunity.

I know, I know.

A lot's changed in my life
since all this happened.

I know how relocation can be.

Take some time.

Thanks.

MIKE: Ray,
you are the messiah.

DARRELL: Yeah.

I haven't seen Eva
in a week, bro.

And Kareenah and I
are having baby talk,
my blood pressure's down,

and fellas, I do believe
I am growing another penis.

Eva's cool because
Ray got her into bed.
Right, player?

MIKE: That's right.
No, no.
We're just hanging out.

He's modest.

Now you have
to tell her you're moving
to another state

so she can get out
of our lives forever.

Yeah. Tell her you're going
to somewhere like Delaware.

Can't nobody find that shit
on the map. I know I can't.

Do you have to be
so gleeful about it?

What did he say?

Hey, Ray, Ray, Ray, Ray, Ray.

You gotta be tough. You gotta
stay strong for all of us.
Yeah.

Men who get away with shit
are the backbones
of this here country, Ray.

Yeah, life, liberty and
getting away with shit, Ray.

Did you know
that Eva does charity work,
teaches Bible studies?

She loves animals.
She rides this horse
named Romeo.

He reacts to her
like he understands.

We didn't say she was
a bad person. We said she
was an irritating person.

Yeah, and that horse
is probably retarded, man.

I'm just saying...
Just saying what, Ray?

We had a deal, Ray.

Remember your motto?
Player first, women second.
Women second.

MIKE: Now, are you
the man or what, Ray?

Come on, Ray.

You're not hearing me.
Are you the man or what, Ray?

You know I'm the man.
Yeah! All right!

That's a player.
I wasn't worried.

That's my money working
right there.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Eva, you flying solo tonight?

Yeah, my boyfriend, Ray,
had some kind of
inventory thing tonight, so...

So you given any thought
to the offer?

I'm still thinking
about it, sir.

Don't let me rush you,
Eva. We do have
a small window here.

I'll keep that in mind.
Thanks.

Excuse me.

Hi.

Let me get a white wine
spritzer, please.

You got it.

Eva. Eva Dandridge?

Lucius?

I thought that was you.
How you been?

I'm fine, Lucius.
It's nice to see you again.

I want you to meet somebody.

My wife, Renee.
Baby, this is Eva.

The one I told you about.

Oh, the love of his life.

I've heard so much about you.
I hate you.

Yeah, Eva and I were engaged
after high school,
but it didn't work out.

You dumped me, Lucius.

Right. Didn't you
have to go work
for your baby sisters?

RENEE: Eva, you broke
Lucius's heart.

Thank God you did though.
Or else I never
would have got him.

These are our kids.

They're cute.
Real cute.

I'm assistant to the mayor
now. Hired me right
out of General Motors.

RENEE: At a very
generous salary.

So, Eva, what is it that you do?

I'm a health inspector.

Great. So you go look
at dirty kitchens
and public restrooms

and stuff like that?

Sounds fascinating, girl.

It pays the bills, yeah.

So where's your date?

RAY: He's running late.

Sorry, baby. I had that thing.

You okay?
Yeah.

Hi. Ray Adams.

How you doing, man?
Lucius Johnson.
My wife, Renee.

Hello.
Lucius. Heard a lot about you.

So how long you two
been going out?

Not long.

I was in Africa on business.
The city is trading
with the brothers over there.

I came all the way back
to escort Eva.

I had no idea the city
of Los Angeles
was a trade partner in Africa.

You wouldn't.
It's on the highest levels
of city government.

Really? Well, let's hear
all about this
so-called trade program.

Ray, shush.
It's fun time now.

Mr. Mayor!

Hey.

Ray, how is my main man?

Good, sir. Good, good.

Good to see you.
This is my date, Eva.

So this is Eva?

Ray, you didn't do her justice.

Thank you, sir.

And this is Lumpy and Reeses.

Lucius and Renee, sir.

I'm one of your new assistants
and I thought that...

Ray, I want you to bring
this beautiful young lady
up to the house sometime.

Will do, sir.
Good to see you.
Great to meet you.

Nice to meet you too.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you.

Ray, my man.
I'm sorry about that...

You can have a rain check
on kissing my ass, Leo.

I have to dance
with the prettiest girl here.

Right.
Good seeing you again, Eva.

If you don't stop
staring at her,

I'm gonna slap the taste
out of your mouth.

Was that okay?

The question is,
how did you do it?

Well, first I got home
from work early,

then I watched you from
across the room looking
like you wanted to die.

Okay. And what
about the mayor?

I did a hell
of a meat presentation
for him, remember?

That's right.

He's a really nice guy.
I only had to beg him once.

You know you look good
in that tux, right?

Your hair looks fine.

Thank you. Bethany did it.

Really?

I should go by there one day.

No. Promise me
you will not go in there.

Okay. Okay.

You know, you're a good dancer.

You know. Body movement's
my specialty.

(GASPS)

Smooth.

You know, they once banned
dipping in some countries

because it was considered
a form of foreplay?

I didn't know that.

(CHUCKLES)

Okay.

You learn something
new every day, huh?

Yeah.

How long do you wanna stay here?

After watching Lucius grovel,

not long.

What you wanna do?

Something fun.

EVA: Nice sofa.

I bought it just for you.

Just a second.
Let me get this off.

No, Eva. Don't take
your clothes off.

You wanna do it with them on?
I'm into that.
Let me hike this up.

No. No, no, no, no.
I can't do this.

The bulge in your pants
didn't get that memo, so...

No, no, no, no. I... I need
to tell you something.

Yes. Whatever it is,
yes. Yes.

No, look.
I don't wanna move too fast.

Fast? No. The average
American couple has sex
on their third date,

and we have been dating way,
way, way longer than that.

I just...

Look, you've been through
so much stuff with men.

And I don't wanna
mess things up.
I want it to be perfect.

I just think
we should wait a while.

I have to respect that, don't I?

Yeah, I guess you do.

I have to go.

Please, don't be mad at me.

No, I'm not. It's just...

I just never had a guy
who cared so much about
my feelings. It's kind of...

Ooh. It's making me
want you even more.

And if I don't leave right now,

I'm gonna start saying
all kinds of hot, nasty,
dirty things.

How hot and nasty?

Real freaky.

Oh, God. Okay.
Go. Go.

Stay.
Yeah? Oh, God.

No.
Okay.

Look...

(KNOCKING)

Yes!

Oh, my God.

Did I hurt you?

Yes.

But I liked it.
Yeah?

Maybe next time
we'll actually
make it to the bed.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

That was good.

Ray,

I wanted to say,
the stuff I said before,
I just wanted to apologize.

I mean, how I acted.

That was a beautiful apology.

The best part was when
you called me Ray.

That's 'cause there's not
a lot of need to be
formal right about now.

'Cause I'm a big ho.

(LAUGHS)

If you really wanna
make it up to me,
tell me a joke.

No. I'm not a good
joke teller. I'm terrible.

That's what makes it so special.

Okay. Oh, God.
Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay.

This guy goes to a zoo, right?

You're gonna like it.
Okay, he goes to a zoo.

And he sees this gorilla.
Okay.

(LAUGHING)

Okay.
Okay.

And he says to the gorilla,
"Yo, brother. Can you give..."

No. He says,
"Yo, brother. Can you loan..."

Yeah. "Yo, brother.
Can you loan me a dollar?"

And the gorilla says,
"That's why
I don't wear pants."

Right.
Oh, my God.

Don't you get it?
The pants and the gorilla.

Yeah. Best joke
I ever heard.

Best joke I ever heard.

I forgot about that joke.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my goodness.

Ray?

Hmm?

Thinking about
what you told me
about your parents.

God, I mean, my folks died,
but I had my sisters
to live for, you know?

I just think it might be...

It might be easier
for you to get over your
fear of building a life

if you had someone there
to help you do it.

I see.

You wanna be my bridge.

It's not like I wanna get
married to you or anything.

I can... I can be a really
good friend, that's all.

You give me your body,
and then you offer
me your friendship?

My priorities are straight.
Thank you very much.

I'm offering you
the best of me right now.

Eva.
Mmm?

I'm not the person
you think I am.

I know most women think
their man is the one
that's different.

None of us are different.

I'm just like other men.

Maybe not as good as most.

I want you to think about
what it would take to build
a bridge with me.

I can handle it, Ray. Okay?
I can handle it.

As long as you keep
giving me what I need,
I am good.

Is that all you want?
Yeah.

That. That.
A whole lot of that.

A lot of that?
A lot of that.

And all the other stuff, too.

You hear me?

How can I turn down
a deal like that?

You can't.

Can you?

What's up?

Hey, girl. Nice shoes.

Ormandy. You look good.

Telly, baby, give me some love.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Eva, what has gotten into you?

TELLY: Not "what," "who."

What are you wearing?

Eva, you're glowing.

BETHANY: What did you do?

Shit, I ain't sharing
my bidness with you.

Oh, my God. She said "shit."

And "bidness."

She gone mad to her ass.

Y'all need to stop trippin'.
I'm just in a good mood.

It's a beautiful day out.
I'm with my girls. Stop
sweatin' me. My joints is hot.

And my cakes is moist.

Can a sister get some water,
or a fan or iceberg
or something?

Okay, Eva, for real,
you're scaring me.

Did you and Ray do it or not?

Well,

he did show up
at the mayor's fundraiser.

Just when I was trapped
by Lucius Johnson...

Right.

and his wife.

You saw Lucius?
What did you do?

Nothing. Ray did it.

He put that little sucker
in his place.

Excuse me, is there
like some boning

or salad tossing or
something in this story?
Stop it.

Come on.

Okay. After he rescued me,

we danced all night long.

Slow, close,

just pelvis to pelvis.

ALL: Mmm.

And then we went back
to my place

and had a nice
respectable evening.

And then we burned
a hole in the floor!

(ALL CHEERING)

DARRELL: Wow. There's my baby.
Let's get freaky-deaky.

Come on, to the bedroom.
Follow me.

You know what Eva told me?

Here we go.

She told me that Ray
drives his old van
from his job to save money.

So what? I mean, what's that
got to do with freaky-deaky?

I don't feel like
I sacrifice like Ray does.

You know, when I need
to get back into being
focused on school.

Look. First off,
Ray and Eva,
they ain't you and me.

I know that.
They're not married.

They ain't phone-boning.
They're not having sex.
None of that.

Actually, they do have sex.

He hit that?
Mmm-hmm.

And from what I hear,

you could take a little lesson
from him in that department.

What the...

What's that supposed to mean?
He got some tricks and shit?

I seen the dude
lickin' his lips and stuff.

Come on, sexy.
Let's play doctor.

Tim, listen to me, all right?

I have been thinking a lot
about Ray and Eva.

And how they have
this wonderful
new relationship, right?

And it's made me think
about myself and the plan
that I had for my life

and how I let it go.

What? But, baby,
I threw all my condoms out.

Honey.
Oh.

I'll get you some more.
They're on sale at Target.

Come on, Kareenah!
Sweetie, listen.

I am ready. Baby, I am
so damn fertile that if you
kiss me you'll get pregnant.

This isn't like buying a coat.
If you have a baby,

you can't give it back
if you don't want it.

Who said that, Ray or Eva?

I don't remember.

Honey, why is my potpourri
on the bed?

See...
Get the Dustbuster.

It was... I was gonna...
I'm tired, my feet hurt.

Baby, I thought we'd
been through this already.

Ray and Eva have
a good relationship
and they don't cohabitate.

Oh, my God. That's all
I've been hearing lately.
Ray and Eva. Ray and Eva.

It's not like they're Will
and Jada or George and Weezy.

They each have their
own place. They have
respect for each other.

Ray doesn't even
care about Eva. I paid...

I paid close attention to him.
He does not like her.

Sure. That's why Ray
calls her every day.

That's why they have lunch
together three times a week.

That's why Eva's thinking
about passing on a new job
to stay here.

What job?

Eva was offered
a new job in Chicago.

But she's gonna say no
because she's found Ray.

Ain't that a...

But here's something
that'll make you happy.

We're dissolving
the Dandridge fund.

Really? That's great.
Mmm-hmm.

Eva's gonna keep it all.

What?

You know. She has a new life,
a new man. She's gonna need
that money. Okay, baby.

Here's all your stuff.
Let yourself out, okay?
Love you.

(AIN'T NO STOPPIN'
SUNSHINE PLAYING)

(SINGING) Ain't no
stopping sunshine

Ain't no stopping me

Ain't no stopping all the love

That sets the people free

Ain't no stopping wisdom

Or changing people's minds

Ain't no stopping sunshine

We'll leave the dark behind

'Cause you can't stop it

My sunshine

You can't stop it

My sunshine

You can't stop it

My sweet sunshine

You can't stop it

Mmm, you can't stop it

You can't stop it

Oh, yeah, yeah

Gonna spread my love around

Is there something wrong?

I took your advice
and convinced my boss
to let me run his company.

He told me
I could start next week.

He did? That's great.
Congratulations.

That's good news, right?

Yeah.

You made me realize
I can't run from myself.

It's like someone gave me
a pair of glasses

that filter out
all the foolishness
and stupidity in my life.

What have I given you
for that gift, Eva?

Nothing.

You taught me how to trust
again, Ray. I wouldn't
call that nothing.

And you've helped me come
to a decision of my own.

What?

Baby, if you're gonna be here,

then this is exactly
where I wanna be.

Crossed the line with Eva,
didn't you, Ray?
No.

Don't lie, you lyin'
bald-headed son of a bitch.

All I did was
what you paid me for.

And now that Eva's
in a relationship,
our women are even worse.

Everything that you do
comes back on us.

And Eva's keeping
all the money, Ray.

That's not my fault.
Like hell it ain't
your fault, Ray!

Something's wrong with you,
Ray. You've been having
too much damn fun with Eva.

You haven't asked for any
expenses lately. Why's that?

You pay for the woman.
You must like the woman.

That's ridiculous.
I'm a player. I'm on the job.

What's in the
garment bag, Ray?
Nothing. A suit.

I got a promotion at work.

A promotion?
That is Eva all the way.

No, that's me.

Then what the hell is this?
Tupperware.

That's Eva's middle name.

I just needed
to organize a few things.

Organization is Eva's
second middle name.

Look, Eva got a job offer
in Chicago.

You're gonna dump her.
That way, she has no reason
to stay here, get it?

Yes. Say "yes," Ray.

She's staying because of me?

Uh-uh. She's staying
because you boned her.
You boned her!

We know all about it, partner.
And that is like
stealing from your job, Ray.

You have embezzled the booty.

Now, look. You're gonna
call her tomorrow, and you're
gonna tell her it's over.

No.
He did not just
say "no," did he?

No, I said "no."

Listen, now!
Hold up for a second!

You're supposed to be
a master player.
You forgot the rules.

Players don't feel.
That's like a pimp
with a health plan, brother.

Mike, where did you find
this big-ass bamba, man?

You done went from DMX
to Babyface on us, man.
What's up with that?

Wait. They done gave you
a copy of their theme song.

They done made you an orange.

Okay, okay, look.
I'm sorry. I do like her,
all right?

I had to open my heart
to get to her, and when
I did, she got to me first.

I think I might love her.

ALL: Love?

Love is an excuse, an alibi,
a justification for sex.

But it is not something
that should stop a man
from keeping his promise, Ray.

Look. I'm sorry, fellas.

I'm going to see Eva tonight,

and the least I can do
is tell her in person
what I did.

So that's it.

What?

Come on. Let's go.

Mike. Mike!

So, is she real good, man?
Does she have some
methods that she did?

'Cause I'm trying
to get Jacqui...

Hah!

(GRUNTING)

This is bull...

Thank you, Thomas.

No problem.

I need to get up out of here
so y'all can get back
to dissin' us brothers.

I know how y'all is.

Excuse us?

Aw, man. Y'all females
be trippin', man.

Look. First y'all
drive men away,

then y'all wanna
bitch and moan
when y'all ain't got one.

Hold up. Hold up.
Code 12.

You know why I complain, Thomas?

'Cause I need a real man.

WOMAN: Here we go.

I need a real man,
not a child or a boy.

Give me a hard rock,
not a soft little toy.

Wow.

You think women are hard?
You think we're evil and mean?

Well, I think maybe
you don't need us.

Maybe you on the wrong team.

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

So I need a real man,
and my standards are high.

Don't like
what you just heard?
Then you need not apply.

(ALL CHEERING)

Wait a second. Fresh meat.

(ALL WHOOPING)

Come on.
Leave 'em alone, ladies.

Mike. Honey,
is something wrong?

I got some bad news.

It's... It's about Ray.

Ray?

My Ray?

What... Is he okay?

RAY: Some story, huh?
Well, it's not quite complete.

We got three hours before
the funeral, fellas. Is all
the food and water okay?

Everything is okay.
Darrell, where did
you find this place?

This is an old
postal storage warehouse,
but we don't use it anymore,

not till now.

(LAUGHING)

Look here, Ray.
You got everything you need.
You even have two bathrooms.

Bucket number one,
and bucket number two.

You'll be a little gamey
in a few days,
but you'll be alive.

RAY: This won't work.

Yes it will, baby muscles.

See, you've died in
a car accident according
to this police report.

Show him. Right here.
Yeah, yeah.

Eva needed to know
that your body was
immediately cremated.

What about my family?
Did you think about that,
smart guys?

You ain't got no relatives,
Ray, and very little friends,
thanks to your job-hopping.

And Eva took that job
in Chi-town after she
found out you were dead.

It's not fair for you
to make her leave
under a lie.

It wasn't fair for you
to screw us on that deal.

(SHOUTING)

TIM: No, Ray. Let him go.
Let him go!

Come on. Fellas,
fellas, fellas, listen.

Listen. Maybe we need to
just think about this
for one minute, all right?

No, you think about this.
It's our word against his.

By the time
he tells Eva the truth,
she'll be long gone.

And then we can say
we didn't know anything

about this sick joke
that he played on her.

What the hell are you doing
falling in love with Eva?

I think it's 'cause she got
some good booty, man. See all
that aggression he got in him?

That's 'cause
he ain't gettin' none.
Let's go.

MIKE: Come on, Tim.

Tim, come on!

First of all, I'd like
to thank all of you
for coming today.

You know, Ray and I
didn't really know
each other very long,

but in that short amount
of time,

we became really close.

You know, when someone
enters your life, you...

You don't really know
how it changes you

until they're gone.

I thought you said
this was gonna be
a simple funeral.

Who are all these people?

Eva. She invited
all her friends from work.

Where the hell does
Eva work at, Soul Train?

Look at all these
black people in here.
It's packed.

Look. Just hang in there.
It's gonna be okay.
I promise.

I've invited my friend Valerie
from my church choir

to sing a song.

(SINGING) Amazing

Grace

How sweet

The sound

That saved

A poor wretch

Like me

I once

Was lost

But now

I am found

I was blind

But now

I see

Eva!

(SCREAMING)

(PEOPLE GASPING)

Lord, it's a miracle.

Oh, my God. Baby.

What happened? Oh, my God.

This whole thing was a lie.
It's all a lie.

(MURMURING)

No, I wasn't in on this, okay?
Y'all did this on your own.

Tim, Mike and Darrell
faked my death

so that you'd leave town.

That's a lie!

Eva, he wanted to dump you,
but he didn't have the guts
to tell you face-to-face.

That's what happened.
Mmm-hmm.

Ray,

is that true?

No, it isn't.
Don't, Tim!

Please!
It's over.

Eva, we did take Ray.

And we lied about him
being dead.

This is the best funeral
I've ever been to in my life.

You got that right.

I'm sorry.

It's not their fault.

Like hell it isn't.

You three have yet
to feel my rage.

Eva, you don't understand.

It's because of me.

The only reason
I went out with you
is because they paid me to.

(SIGHS)

I was supposed to
make you like me,

then trick you into moving away.

But I didn't know you then.

I didn't realize
how wonderful you are.

How much you'd change me,
make me wanna change.

I know I was wrong,

but what we have is
bigger than all
the mistakes I've made.

I'm certain of that.

How much did they pay you?

Eva, that's not...
How much?

Five thousand dollars.

But, Eva, I'm giving
them that money back,
and I promise...

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

You are exactly
who I thought you were.

So, I guess
you're single now, huh?

Excuse me.

(CHATTERING)

(TWO WAY STREET PLAYING)

Police!

Eva, please.
Let me have a minute.

Stalker!

Sixty seconds, Eva.

Okay, okay, one minute.
Go, Raymond.

Raymond? How did I get
all the way back
to Raymond? Right.

I don't want you
to stop being mad.

I understand how you feel.

I'm upset, too, at myself.

But we need to remember
what we're losing here.

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.

I know you still have
feelings for me.

I have feelings for you.

Life is hard, Eva.
We've both passed up
on a lot of good things.

We are too wise for that now.

I am never, ever gonna find
another woman like you.

I love you.

You know what I learned
about love, Raymond?

It isn't a virus
that infects you.
It's a choice.

We choose to be in love,
and we choose
what love makes us do.

I earned your choice,
and you stole mine.

I was ready to give up
my entire life for you,

and all you were
ready to do was let me.

So are you sure?

Are you sure you love me?

Or are you just upset that
I found out what you were

and made a different choice?

That's what I thought.

Excuse me, I have travel plans.

What's up, fellas?

Eva, you don't
have to rub it in.

We've been trying to apologize
to your sisters for weeks.
They still hate us.

My sisters love you.

They love you so much.

I was just a distraction
and a huge pain in the ass.

And I am so sorry.

We dissolved
the Dandridge fund
and split it up yesterday.

Let's go home.
Let's get out of here.

And I can read you a book.

Yeah. As long as
it's not a scary book.

I don't like scary books.

Maybe we could have
some... some make-up sex.

Don't worry.
I have plenty of protection.

We don't need it.

I wanna do this right now
before I lose my nerve.

What are you doing?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.

(SCREAMS)

Will you?
Yes.

(LAUGHING)

TIM: Congratulations.
KAREENAH: Congratulations.

You know what? We should all
go to dinner. Eva, let's...
Yeah.

(CHATTERING)

Holy mother of God.

Hey, Eva!

Whoa. Whoa.

I quit my job,
sold my house
and bought him.

You shouldn't have.
I can't be bought.

I got him a home in a stable
just outside of town.
It's paid up for a year.

Are you even listening to me?

Yes. Now you listen to me.

You said
love is a choice.
Well, I love you.

And I'm not leaving.
I'm gonna show up
at your job every day.

I'm gonna send you gifts,
and tell you I'm sorry

until you understand
that I will not
live without you.

Or until you call
the cops on me,

but even that won't stop me.

Excuse me, ma'am.
Is this your animal?

Yes, Officer.
This is my horse.

My horse.

You're gonna have
to move him off the street.

(MY CHERI AMOR PLAYING)

(SINGING) La, la, la,
la, la, la...

Will you buy a horse for me?

(LAUGHING)

No.

My Cherie amor

Lovely as a summer day

My Cherie amor

Distant as the Milky Way

My Cherie amor

Pretty little one that I adore

You're the only girl
my heart beats for

How I wish that you were mine

(THIS VERY MOMENT PLAYING)

(SINGING) Oh

It's so unbelievable

I'd never ever let you go

My heart is yours

For keeps

Let's make a vow
Let's make a vow, baby

Right here and now Here and now

This is the day
that I prayed for

That I prayed for

And you are the girl
of my dreams

Of my dreams

And my place in life

Is right here by your side

On this day

This very moment

Oh, this very moment

Today it's you and I

We celebrate a brand-new life

That God has given us

The words I do Yes

Forever all my love for you

This is the day
that I prayed for

I prayed for

And you are the girl
of my dreams
The girl

You are the girl of my dreams

And my place in life

Is right here by your side
By your side

On this day
On this day
On this day

On this day This very moment

This very moment

This very moment

This very moment
This very moment

I can't believe it's true

I'm standin' here
in front of you

And you are here with me

This very moment

(PARADISE PLAYING)

(SINGING) Oh, yeah

If you need me, baby
I'm for real

The rest of your life
I'll take you to paradise

I'm gonna give you
all my love, yeah

We went through this before

Actin' like the L's
can't bag 'em no more

Nightgown draggin' on
the heated marble floor

Flash Cartier
when you open up the door
Slide these on, baby

So butter
still relate to the gutter

Just your
lifestyle's different
Spirit uplifted

Fell in love
with a cat who's gifted

Turn your back to paradise
Damn, I missed it

If you need me, baby
I'm for real

The rest of your life
I'll take you to paradise

Paradise is very nice

If you want it, baby
Just be real

Hello, is Linda there?

Hey, babe.

Listen, I'll pick you up
over on Fairfax.

I'm at work.

No, you know you can't come by.

I'm pretending to be gay.

Because in LA,
a straight hairdresser is
an unemployed hairdresser.

Well, at least
until I get my own place.

Absolutely.
Okay, I love you too.

Telly, honey.
Would it kill you to come
in there and do some work?

Oh, I'm sorry. I just
had to check on my honey.
You know how they are.