Original subtitles

- ♪ - CREEP: [hissing]

- [box hinges creaking]

- CREEP: [muttering]

[cackling]

- ♪

- [sinister laughter]

- ♪

- ♪

- [sinister laughter]

- [thunder rumbles]

- ♪

♪

♪

- [laughs] - [thunder rumbles]

- ♪

♪

♪

- ♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

- JUNE: Joe?

Joe?

- [Mummy murmuring]

- [Gillman grumbling]

- JUNE: Joe?

Joe-Joe?

Honey, did you hear me? I was calling you.

- [mumbling] I'm sorry, I was just finishing up Gillman.

- [chuckling] Take your teeth out.

You know I can't understand you with those things in.

- I wanted to say I'm sorry, I was finishing up the Gillman.

- Well, the Gillman can wait, because guess what?

Aunt Barb is here.

- With Uncle Kevin? - Yeah, with Uncle Kevin.

They brought pepperoni pizza, though.

Come on, before it gets cold.

Your friends will still be here when you get back.

Oh!

- JOE: Come to dinner!

I hypnotize you to come to dinner!

- MOM: I really feel like you're doing a good job there.

- JOE: Thank you very much.

- [plates clinking]

- Mmm.

Trick-or-treat's not 'til October, buddy.

- Every day is trick-or-treat around here.

- Really? - MOM: More Tang?

- No thanks. I never drink Tang.

- [Barb laughing] - Why not?

It's the official drink of astronauts.

It was the first beverage on the moon, you know that?

- Joe likes Tang. He's just, he's doing his Dracula.

- Bela Lugosi, right? Played him in the first one.

- Technically, Max Schreck played him

in the first one-- the silent version,

"Nosferatu," 1922.

- Bela Lugosi was a dope addict.

- BARB: I never heard that. - KEVIN: It's a fact!

Look it up in the encyclopedia. I'm not crazy about the new guy.

What's his name?

You know, the limey with the red eyes?

- Christopher Lee. - No, that's the karate guy.

[imitating martial arts yell] Yeah, look it up.

- Joe-Joe doesn't have to.

He knows everything there is to know

about Dracula and the Mummy and Frankenstein and...

Who am I missing here?

- Uh, OJ Simpson.

When I was his age, I knew everything

there was to know about football.

Nowadays, it's all about this horror crap.

- Can I be excused? - I don't know, can you?

- May I be excused? - Yeah, yeah, in just a minute.

Um, Aunt Barb and Uncle Kevin

have something that they wanted to ask us.

- BARB: Joe, would it be cool

if me and Uncle Kevin came to stay for a bit?

Your mom could use an extra hand right now

with, well, all that's going on.

- If you'll have us.

- ♪

- [knocking on door]

- Heya, count. You're blowing it.

Vampires don't show up in mirrors.

Let me help you.

- JOE: Ow.

- Bud.

Your eye.

Who did that to you?

Billy Niles again?

Come here, kid.

Will you do me a favor

and lay off the monster talk at school, hmm?

You're running short on friends, kiddo.

- I have all the friends I need.

- You got a lot of 'em.

- Why do they have to move in with us?

- You know, it's not a forever thing.

Just 'til I finish my next round of chemo.

And, it'll--

it'll help your Uncle Kevin get back on his feet.

- He's such a loser.

- Hey, he's not so bad. [chuckles]

Did you know actually that he used to box in the Army?

Maybe he could show you a few pointers

on how to deal with ol' Billy Niles?

- Yeah?

- We'll talk about it tomorrow.

Okey-doke? - Okey-doke.

- What's playing on the ol' time machine tonight?

- I haven't decided.

"Abbott and Costello Meets" somebody.

- Well, set it up. I'll make the Jiffy Pop.

- I love you, Mom.

- I love you.

[coughing]

- [film reel whirring]

- ♪

- Mom?

Why do you always call it a time machine?

- Because that's what projectors are.

Movies, they transport us.

Think about it. I bet you remember

exactly where you were

and who you were with the very first time

you heard Dr. Frankenstein yell, "It's alive!"

- I was with you.

- That's right.

And with one flip of a switch, you always will be.

Together forever, Joe-Joe.

Just like in the movies.

- ♪

♪

♪

- Mom?

Mom?

- ♪

- [bell ringing]

- ♪

- BARB: Good morning.

- Where's the kid at?

- I let him sleep in.

- On a Saturday?

It's chore day.

He's probably up there watching goddamn movies again.

- BARB: Kevin, be nice.

He'll grow out of it. Some kids do Little League.

Joe-Joe and his mom did monsters.

- He's turning into a freak and you're promoting it.

What are you doing in here, sniffing glue?

[sniffing]

- Repairing the Reaper's arm.

- "Repairing the Reaper's arm."

Where they at, huh?

I know you got some girlies under here somewhere, huh?

A-ha!

Well, I'll be dipped in shit. You do like girls, don't you?

- It's a collector's item.

- But you don't like me much, do you?

That's okay.

You know what, your cousin Gary, he didn't like me much either.

We didn't watch monster movies and the Late Late Show.

My job was to make a man out of him.

That's exactly what I'm gonna do for you.

- Thanks?

- You're welcome. First things first,

we gotta get rid of all this horror crap.

- Why? - KEVIN: Because I said so!

You know, me and your auntie sacrificed a lot to be here.

- That's not how I heard it. I heard you had to move in

because you got canned from your job.

- That's how you heard it, huh?

It's called a temporary layoff. Give me this!

- Hey, that was a present from my mom!

- Oh, poor, poor Grim Reaper! Oh!

Grim Reaper's all broken up about it.

Now get your ass outside! It's chore day!

You can play with your stupid toys later, hmm?

- ♪

♪

- [birds chirping]

- Yo, Dr. Frankenstein! Say hi to your mom for me!

- ♪

- [grumbling]

- [gasping]

- [grumbling]

- [bones snapping]

- Friend!

- Don't tell me, the infamous Billy Niles?

[sighs]

I made some Tang.

I was hoping you'd do your Dracula.

- Well, I can't. Sun's still out.

- ♪

- Before you say anything, it was my fault.

Took an extra shift at Bateman's Diner

without telling your uncle.

He says it's getting hard just being a man these days.

- He's not a man.

- Go for the pin! Go for the pin!

- [telephone ringing]

- Hello?

Yes, just a second, he's right here.

Kev, it's Mr. Warren.

- Hello, Mr. Warren.

Oh, yeah, yeah, we're hanging in the best we can, sir.

I understand, sir. What can I say?

Times have been tough for all of us.

Thank you, sir.

- BARB: Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

- What are you sorry about? You still got your job.

- [indistinct TV chatter]

- ♪

- What do think you're doing? - Cleaning house.

There's gonna be no more Santa Claus,

no more Tooth Fairy, and no more goddamn monsters!

- You're the only monster around here!

- [groaning] - BARB: [screaming]

Stay away from him. - Or what? Huh?

- ♪

- Ah, yous deserve each other.

- BARB: Come on. It's okay.

- ♪

- [crickets chirping]

- ♪

- JOE: [sniffling] I miss you.

- [film reel whirring]

- [film stops]

- [film reel whirring]

- ♪

♪

- Mom?

- ♪

♪

- JOE: [gasping]

- ♪

♪

- Got it. Need it.

Got it. Need it.

Need it. [gasping]

[sighing]

- ♪

- Oh, yes!

[chuckling]

- ♪

♪

- [groaning]

[screaming]

- [chuckling]

- KEVIN: [screaming]

- What happened?

- The damnedest thing.

My ankle twisted completely around.

- JOE: [laughing]

- [knocking on door]

- BARB: Joe, it's me.

I'm working the night shift.

There's turkey pot pie in the fridge.

Just stay clear of your uncle.

He's been in bed all day burning up with fever.

Things are gonna change around here, I promise.

- I know.

- ♪

- [sizzling]

- ♪

- [wind howling]

- KEVIN: [snoring and moaning]

- [loud thud]

- What the hell's he watching?

Joe, turn it down!

- [loud thud]

- Kid needs a good old-fashioned ass whooping!

Must've backed up the shitter again!

You freak! - [thudding]

- I'm coming for ya, buddy!

You got it coming now, boy.

- [doorknob rattling]

- I know you're in there playing with your goddamn toys

'cause I can smell the goddamn glue.

- [banging on door]

- Open the door, or I'll smash it in!

Okay, all right.

- [Gillman roaring]

- [screaming]

Fuck you!

[screaming]

No!

[groaning]

[groan] - [bat rattling]

- JOE: [laughing]

- KEVIN: [heavy breathing]

- [electronic static]

- MAN: Keep your eyes peeled, boils and ghouls.

The cadaverous conclusion of "Uncle Kevin Meets the Monster"

is right around the corner.

[laughing]

- [growling]

- [yelping]

[screaming]

[grunting]

- [Gillman roaring]

[grumbling]

- [heavy breathing]

- [roaring]

- [crash]

- [grumbling]

- [screaming]

- JOE: [grunting]

- KEVIN: [screaming]

Hey, buddy! Tell your friends I'm sorry!

- [growling] - KEVIN: No!

- [grumbling]

- ♪

- No!

[screaming] - [grumbling]

- No!

- [growling]

- Are you ready for your close-up, Uncle Kev?

[chuckling]

- KEVIN: No!

No!

- [loud squelching] - KEVIN: No!

- [crickets chirping]

- [screaming]

- ♪

- [screaming] Joe! Joe!

Joe.

Oh my god.

- Come. Sit.

You're just in time for the big ending.

- ♪

♪

- What happened?

- Couple of friends came for a visit.

They had some cleaning up to do.

After all,

it is chore day.

- [screaming]

- ♪

♪

♪

- ♪

- Everyone was very happy that the little pigs worked so hard,

for now they had plenty of food for winter,

and Farmer John promised to never eat porkchops again.

So, they ate chicken!

The end. - KIDS: [laughing]

- Hmm, what do you suppose that story was about, Henrietta?

- Getting what you deserve?

- MRS. BOOKBERRY: That's right!

Some folks call it karma.

When you do something good,

something good will happen to you.

But if you do something bad...

- S-s-s-something bad will happen to me?

- MRS. BOOKBERRY: Mm-hmm.

So be sure to be good little boys and girls.

Until next time, bye for now!

- MAN: Mrs. Bookberry's Magical Library is made possible

by a grant from the Public Broadcasting Corporation.

You're watching WQPS, Channel 13, Pittsburgh.

Prevent child abuse.

- MAN: This is WQPS in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania,

operating on Channel 13 with a frequency of

210 to 216 megahertz by authority of

the Federal Communications Commission.

- [bell ringing]

- MAN: Bookberry pledge drive promotion, take one.

Settle, settle, lots of energy, and on in three, two...

- Something very special is happening tonight

on Channel 13, Henrietta. - What is it, Mrs. Bookberry?

- MRS. BOOKBERRY: It's the WQPS pledge drive.

That's where we ask all the mommies and daddies

out there to fuck! - [gasps]

- Goddamn it! Line.

- MAN: "Become a member of Channel 13's television family."

- Okay, whatever, here we go.

Three, two, one, action.

That's where we ask the mommies and daddies

out there to join us by becoming a member of

Channel 13's television family.

Cut, I think we got it, Greg. I'm gonna go take a shit.

I'll be in my dressing room.

- MAN: Everybody take five while she--

- CLAUDIA: Uh, Miss Bookberry? - MAN: --does that.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

- Mrs. Bookberry? Bookberry!

- [phone ringing]

- CLAUDIA: Miss Bookberry? Do you have a minute?

About the show tonight. Nothing like live television.

- What's up with my time slot, Claudia?

Am I getting it or what? - Well, you see, about that,

"Love of Painting" has been our 3 o'clock

for nearly 10 years, and what I--

- And what?

"Magical Library" is the biggest show in QPS history.

Without it, this piss stain of a station would be nothing.

I want that time slot. Give me that time slot.

- But Norm's show won't survive anywhere else.

- Listen, they took a big chance

on promoting someone like you to station manager.

Be a shame to have to tell the higher-ups

that you just couldn't figure it out.

Ya got me, sistah?

- ♪

- You can have 3 o'clock.

- Thank you.

Now, if you don't mind,

I prefer to wipe my ass in private,

unless you wanna come in and do it for me?

- NORM: Just a little bit and then we're gonna go

back to the canvas and play in the leaves here.

Just a little dab here and a little dab there.

- ♪ - NORM: Right on the roof.

Just down that slope.

Where the leaves are gonna be found in the night.

Maybe they were there last season.

It's up to you, this is your world.

There.

Now, I would say our cabin could use a little something

to look forward to, so let's put a little sunshine

at the horizon. Take our two-inch brush.

Just lighten up the sky.

Move the darkness away.

There.

I think it's time to clean out our brushes.

Take the brush into the paint thinner.

Shake the excess.

This is my favorite part.

Just beat the devil out of it.

I hope that you all enjoyed painting with me today

because I know I did.

So from all of us here at the station,

happy painting, and God bless.

- ♪

- And cut, clear!

That is a beautiful painting, Norm.

- NORM: Oh, thank you. - GEORGE: Wanna take a break

before we start shooting the next episode?

- Oh, no, no, no, no. We may continue.

- Hey, guys, excuse me, can we talk?

- What's wrong? Are you cutting our budget again?

Claudia, you can't do that!

I had to get rid of both camera guys.

You got me directing, producing. I'm shooting close-ups here.

- I'm not cutting the budget.

I'm afraid we're canceling "Love of Painting."

- Oh, no, that's too bad.

May we still shoot this next one?

- Yeah, of course, Norm.

- Claudia?

What are you doing? The show is all he's got.

- My hands are tied, George. His time slot is needed.

I'm sorry. I really am.

How is always so calm?

You'd think he could at least chew me out

for screwing him over.

- That man's changed a lot since he came back from 'Nam.

Norm was on the front line of the Tet Offensive.

Musta had to do horrible things to survive.

- [helicopter blades whirring] - [explosions booming]

- [people screaming] - [gunfire rattling]

- ♪

- Priceless items are right under your nose.

Did the value of this snow blower

or this medieval broadsword increase or decrease over time?

What about this jar of Civil War coins?

Find out next on "The Appraiser's Road Trip."

- [light applause]

- WOMAN: "The Appraiser's Road Trip" with Goodman Tapert.

- Good evening, and welcome.

Today's first guest, Mr. Ted Raimi,

has brought us something quite special,

a book. - [crowd fawning]

- [light applause] - How did you come across this?

- Uh, well, it's--

It's been in the family for years.

- I must tell you,

this is an amazing

and quite valuable find. - [light applause]

- Wow! - Wow, indeed.

Brilliant Sumerian craftsmanship.

The stitching in the binding is magnificent.

- [light applause]

- It's bound in a leather that I'm unfamiliar with,

but despite a few scratches and discolorations,

this is a stunning piece.

It is locked, though. Do you have the key?

- Um, I lost it.

- [audience fawning] - Oh, how unfortunate.

- But then it was found.

- [light applause] - Excellent!

Let's look inside.

- This is really exciting.

I mean, I've had this thing in my fruit cellar for years.

I nearly threw it out like a million times.

But I'm glad I didn't though, huh?

I mean, geez Louise,

I wonder what this old thing is worth?

I wonder if I could get a Camaro?

Or maybe a hot tub?

What do you think, a Camaro or a hot tub?

- Hot tub. - [light applause]

- Yes!

- ♪

- Look at these ink renderings.

The Kandarian text.

Any natural history museum would happily pay anywhere

between 3 or 400,000.

- Dollars? - Mm-hmm.

- Oh, man!

This is the best day of my whole life!

- Lucky for you, I can read Sumerian.

- You can read--

- Might be a bit rusty, but what I can gather,

this book is the Necronomicon.

- Ah, that name sounds familiar.

- It was written when dark spirits ruled the Earth

and the oceans boiled with blood.

- TED: Oh.

- GOODMAN: The powers of the dead lay within

these very pages. Fascinating.

Listen to these wretched incantations.

[speaking foreign language]

- Oh, uh, um, maybe don't read it.

- GOODMAN: "Nosferaten. Valo mortem."

- Uh, stop. Don't read any more.

- [speaking foreign language]

- Please stop. Stop! - [speaking foreign language]

- I said stop. Never!

[screaming]

- CREW: [screaming]

- [demonic laughter]

Let me back into the book, kids, so you should be like me!

When it all makes a pledge to us.

Pledge to us!

[demonic laughter]

Pledge to us!

[demonic laughter]

- NORM: We're gonna say good night to the Grand Tetons.

A meandering stream by just using the Titanium White

and working through the bristles with the two-inch brush.

And ever so gently drag through the dusk creeping over

the mountains here and then saying goodbye

to the dying embers of the day.

Good night, day. Thank you for everything.

Sleep well. There.

I think we're done here.

Um...

today, I have gotten some bad news.

Unfortunately, this is our last episode.

First, I was sad, but I believe that

everything happens for a reason,

and if this is what the Good Lord wishes,

well, then surely he must have something greater

in mind for me and for us all.

- Pledge your soul to the book!

- CLAUDIA: [screaming] - GEORGE: What is that thing?

- CLAUDIA: [screaming]

- Huh? - Keep away from me!

- No!

- ♪

- What is happening?

- A-ha. Pretty soul.

I'll cut it out of you. [demonic laughter]

- [grunting] - [Ted groaning]

Huh?

[grunting]

Huh?

- I don't know who you are, sir, but if you're not gonna behave,

I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

- Pledge to us!

- [blows thudding]

- [Ted snarling]

- [crash]

- [snarling]

- Huh?

- [screaming]

- [George gasping]

- NORM: George! - [coughing]

- You all right, George? - Just get it off of me!

Both leave me here and just save yourselves.

- Nobody's leaving you here, George.

- Oh, god. - NORM: Come here.

- All right, what's the quickest way out?

'Cause we have to let the others know!

- Through the Magical Library.

- Okay, we need to get to a phone.

- Yes, come on, this way. Come on, George!

- TED: Merciless!

- [toilet flushing]

- ♪

- HENRIETTA: You worthless piece of shit.

- I'm not worthless, Daddy. - HENRIETTA: Yes, you are.

Your mother and I will be very disappointed

if you're not gonna show tonight.

Chicago's going to be watching.

This will be our ticket out of here,

unless you fuck it up, which you probably will,

you ugly little bitch!

- No, I won't mess up, Daddy, I promise.

Nothing will stop me from making you proud. Nothing!

- [knocking on door]

[knocking on door]

- Fuck off, Greg! I'm not taping anymore!

I have to focus before the show! Go away!

- [knocking on door]

- Are you deaf? I said, go away!

- [knocking on door] - [handle rattling]

- What the fuck is your problem?

- Pledge your soul to the book!

- [screaming] - [Ted snarling]

- [electricity crackling]

- Oh, Jesus, it's a goddamn massacre.

- ♪

- Look. Cameras are still recording.

- George, check the footage.

Maybe we can find out what happened.

- Leave it to me.

- CLAUDIA: Oh my god.

Did that thing do all of this by itself?

- John?

Oh, dear God, no.

John.

- [groaning]

- [Ted snarling] - [people screaming]

- [Ted snarling] - [woman screaming]

- ♪

- [demonic muttering]

- ♪

- Nothing will stop me, Daddy.

Nothing!

- ♪

- Find anything?

- Well, a few dead friends.

And a jar of old silver dollars.

I'll buy you a pop if we survive.

- GEORGE: Hey, guys? Hey, guys, found something.

I'll pipe it to the floor monitors.

- ♪

- What do you think, Camaro or hot tub?

- Hot tub. - Yes!

- Look at these ink renderings.

- GEORGE: Hold on, hold on, I went too far.

- The power of the dead lay within these very pages.

Listen to these wretched incantations.

- [speaking foreign language]

- Shut it off, George!

- GOODMAN: [unintelligible] - NORM: Just shut it off now!

- What's wrong? - He said powers of the dead

lay within the pages of the book.

Listening to wretched incantations

is not gonna improve our situation here!

- Book started all of this.

Maybe there's a spell or whatever that can stop it?

- Well, that stands to reason, if we can find it.

- It's gotta be around here somewhere, but where?

- [creaking]

- [roaring]

Pledge to the book!

- That answers that question.

- [snarling]

- ♪

- Shit! Think, George, think!

- [Goodman snarling]

- [shrill feedback]

- [Goodman screaming]

You will die!

All will be as to the book

and die!

[snarling]

- The book! - George! George!

Oh, quick thinking, George! - GEORGE: There.

- He took the Necronomicon. - The what-icon?

- CLAUDIA: The creepy old book.

- MAN: And be sure to stick around for

a very special live episode of

"Mrs. Bookberry's Magical Library,"

coming up next only on WQPS Channel 13.

- That video feed is from the Chicago affiliate.

They switch over to "Bookberry" at 6 o'clock.

- ♪ - That's, like...now.

- MRS. BOOKBERRY: Welcome to my library, children.

Henrietta and I have a very special book

to read to you tonight.

- And you fuckers are gonna love it!

- I'm so fired.

- If she reads that on live television--

- She won't.

- MRS. BOOKBERRY: Listen, my children,

and pledge your souls to the book.

[speaking foreign language]

- [glass shattering]

- [quizzical grunting] - [monstrous hissing]

Who dare interrupts the dark text?

- I'm responsible for the program quality

of Channel 13, and this show...

does not meet WQPS standards.

- MRS. BOOKBERRY: And what are you gonna do about it?

- [chimes ringing]

- We're gonna beat the devil outta you.

- ♪

- [quizzical grunt]

- ♪

- [all grunting]

- [Norm chuckling]

- ♪

- Groovy.

Claudia, get the book!

- ♪

- Uh, Ted? Are you okay?

- I think I'll get the Camaro.

[roaring]

- [George grunting]

- GOODMAN: We want your soul! [laughing]

- The children must hear the words!

The book hungers for young souls!

- Hell no! I'm cutting your budget!

I'm cutting your budget! - WOMAN: Hey, kids!

What are you watching in there?

- Do your park! Pledge to the book!

[speaking foreign language]

- What's amazing find you are!

Let's open you up and see what's inside you!

- [Henrietta laughing]

- [speaking foreign language]

- Norm, get the goddamn puppet! - [Ted laughing]

- No, let go of me! Norm, get the puppet!

- Pledge to the book!

- [Norm grunting] - [blows thudding]

- [bell ringing]

- Pledge to the book! Pledge to the book!

- [Henrietta screaming] - NORM: I don't think so!

Not today! - [gasping]

No!

- [Ted growling] - [Claudia grunting]

- [growling]

- CLAUDIA: The book, Norm, the book!

Norm, you've gotta lock the book!

- [Mrs. Bookberry shrieking]

- ♪

- [heavy breathing]

- NORM: We'll go back in with our fan brush

and tap away at the sap green,

and then give our happy little trees some friends.

Just a nice little community of trees.

- Just got off the phone with Chicago.

- Mm-hmm.

They want "Love of Painting" to go national.

- You're kidding?

Mrs. Bookberry was decapitated on live TV.

- Everyone thinks it was a publicity stunt.

They don't care. We got lucky.

"Maybe it is karma."

- [both laughing]

- Shut up.

- Trees are like people. Thank you, friends.

Hope you all make some good friends today.

From all of us here, happy painting, and God bless.

- WOMAN: Kanda estrata...

- ♪

- [demon giggling]

- [Creep laughing]

- ♪

[Creep laughing]

- [thunder cracking]

- ♪

♪

♪

♪