Original subtitles

Alright, birthday girl. One last present.

This one's from Ikrimah.

Chad: Oh, lucky.

-Thanks, Ikrimah. -Thanks, Ikrimah.

-Noise-canceling headphones. -Canceling headpho-o-o-o-o-nes!

Yes.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, my God. So great. So urban.

I love it.

-Okay, Mom, my turn. -Okay, okay.

I thought it was just Niki's birthday.

Niki: It is.

We have this ridiculous ritual

where Chad also gets gifts on my birthday.

Otherwise, he throws a tantrum.

It's mostly just an adorable tradition

we've kept up that I encourage,

but way -- way to put a negative spin on it, you dick.

Nope, nope. We're not doing this today.

Hamid: Okay, Chad joon. -Here are your presents. -What is it?

[ Bag rustles ]

Just pants?

You guys got me just straight-up pants?

Hamid and I thought you could use a new pair.

What? N-Nothing.

I'll wear it, but you should --

you should probably know it just brings me zero joy.

That's all.

But thank you. Thank you, Hamid. Thank you.

Okay, what else?

Okay, there is one more very special gift

all the way from Iran.

Oh, is it from Dad?

It's from Dad? My father?

Holy mother of...

what the heck?

What do you think it is, Mom?

♪

It's a sword.

Oh, my God. I'm gonna throw up.

It's a sword!

It's a freaking sword, Mom!

He listened. Get out of the way.

-Mom, he listened. -I know, honey. I'm so glad.

I love Dad so much.

Oh, my God!

Am I allowed to say "holy shit"?

Holy shit!

This is amazing! [ Grunts ] Yes!

Now, Chad, you have to be careful.

It is a sword.

Get rid of this shit, right?

[ Both chuckle ]

Those pants are hideous.

♪

[ Cellphone beeps ] Hi, Dad.

It's Chad, your son.

Sword. [ Chuckles ]

I got it. It's friggin' amazing.

Mom got me pants, so you win again.

Want to see some tricks?

♪

Wait. Shoot.

♪

[ Distorted shout ]

♪

That's the end of my video.

Thank you.

Miss you.

♪

[ Blows ]

Lights out, Chad. Time for bed.

Clearly busy, Mom.

I'm cleaning the sword.

And after this, I got to polish it

with some microcrystalline Renaissance Wax

that prevents rust almost indefinitely.

-There's a whole process. -Mm-hmm.

You had a pretty fun weekend.

[ Chuckles ] Yeah, 'cause of my sword.

Oh, Mom. Mm-hmm?

Look. Saw this note in the box.

[ Chuckles ]

Called me his little warrior.

[ Snickers ] Cute.

[ Chuckles ] Yeah.

Your dad loves you so much.

I know, huh?

For someone I see literally never,

he sure knows how to throw a damn smile on my face.

Listen, about your dad,

I know you have a lot of feelings about him.

What do you think about maybe

talking to your school counselor?

Aww, that's a fun, little idea.

But pretty sure anyone

looking at my life from the outside in

would be like, "Yep, you're good."

Well, I made you an appointment to see him tomorrow,

so I'm sorry I phrased it like a question.

That was straight-up sneaky of you.

Please don't do that again.

Okay.

And you are not to take that sword to school tomorrow.

-I'm not going to. -Chad, promise me.

I promise! I'm serious.

Mom, I swear on Niki's life.

♪

You look like Captain Jack Sparrow

from "Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl."

Okay, you don't need to say the whole title, Peter,

but thank you.

Hey, can I hold it?

Mm, just for a little bit.

Okay.

♪

Okay, alright, I'm uncomfortable.

-O-Okay. -It's just very fragile.

It's an international artifact.[ Chuckles ]

What a rush. Right?

Yeah. Can't wait to bring this puppy to school

and watch people just kind of slowly lose their minds.

Why are you bringing it to school?

'Cause it's the coolest friggin' thing in the world, Peter.

We're in high school now, okay? Objects matter.

If people thought me having sex was cool,

they're definitely gonna think me having a sword is cool.

We just need to find a way to sneak it past security.

♪

♪

And then she literally, like, yelled at me, and it was --

Big announcement at lunch today -- it's a sword.

What'd he say?

Sword.

-Okay. -Big announcement.

It's gonna be crazy.

Yeah, bring people to stadium.

Lunchtime.

What's going on, Bartholomew?

Yeah, this dude's gonna show us his penis during lunch.

No, I'm not. It's not my penis.

What is it, then?

Sorry, sir.

Something else entirely.

Peter, get out of the bathroom.

This isn't a cello.

[Leather squeaking]

So, Chad, what is up, my man?

Chad: I'm not totally sure.

I'm not really clear on what this is

or why I'm talking to you.

Hey, we are just two homies hanging out.

So, your mom mentioned

you haven't seen your dad in a couple years.

That sucks, right?

Yeah. He lives in Iran...

Mm-hmm.

...but he calls me sometimes, and I always answer.

He has two cars.

Two cars? Tell me more about Dad.

He seems like a cool guy.

Um, he loves olives.

He's jacked and friendly like a Persian The Rock.

Hm. Hilarious.

You miss him?

Yeah, I can tell.

And we can't just

Rollerblade over to Iran, can we?

I mean, we could,

but it'd be hard 'cause it's far from here,

and there are oceans and obstacles in our way, right?

Are you a real doctor?

Yeah.

Okay, 'cause I'm not trying to be disrespectful or anything,

but I kind of feel like you're winging this

and it's going bad.

Oh, boy. The gloves are coming off.

I'm fun.

I can hang with you.

Alright?

Have I told you that I used to write

and perform parody songs in college?

No, sir, I literally met you like 10 sentences ago.

[ Laughs ] Taking Charles down.

[ Chuckles ] I love it.

[ Bell rings ] Bye.

♪

Chad: Alright, thank you all for coming to my special reveal.

Uh, lunch lady, didn't invite you.

Kind of seems like

the only time you should be working, but okay.

Without further delay, Peter?

♪

You didn't tell me about the buckles.

Okay, we've talked about

when things are time-sensitive, Peter.

[ Grunts ] Here we go.

♪

It's a sword.

It's a real-life, full-on authentic sword.

They're completely shocked.

Yeah. [ Chuckles ] Can't believe it.

Is that it? [ Scoffs ] No.

♪ Dun, dun, dun-dun-dun-dun-dun -- ♪

Not yet. Do it at the end.

♪ Dun, dun, dun-dun-dun-dun-dun ♪

Are you all ready for Chad?

Denise: Chad, you shouldn't bring that to school.

I don't think people are amused by weapons.

Marjorie: Yeah, I mean, she's right.

Especially in this political climate.

Okay, this is definitely the last thing I need right now

is for the two of you to join forces.

Separate, please.

Obviously, I'm a huge feminist,

but if you could redirect your evil female energy...

[ Bell rings ] Ugh.

That went by fast.

Ple-- Please try to spread the word about my sword.

♪

Hey, Reid. Ah, sword.

En garde, bitch.

Unh, unh, unh.

[ Both chuckle ]

He liked it.

He li-- you liked it.

I had a really good time just now.

That -- That little fun we had.

You know, like, playfully called me a bitch.

[ Both chuckle ]

Yeah, man. -Uh, cool sword. -It is cool, huh?

Yeah. Oh, hey.

Um, I was just thinking,

since based on just what happened

and everything I know about the sword

and how awesome it is and how awesome you are,

um, you can have it.

For real?

Yep. It's yours, man.

You just go ahead and keep it.

Cool, man. Thanks.

[ Chuckles ]

Hey, Reid.

Life is short. Be happy.

Yeah. Uh, thanks.

♪

♪

♪

[ Laughter ]

Reid: Look at that.[ Chuckles ] Hey, guys.

Reid: See it? -I know you do. -What's up?

Hey, Reid, did you get a chance to tell them

the whole backstory yet with the sword

and wh-where you got it and who you got it from?

Wh-What's that?

Dude, Reid, your sword is so awesome.

Uh-oh.

He doesn't know the whole backstory.

Oh. Oh! Ohhhhh!

[ Laughter ]

Get this on the 'gram.

Oh, hell yes. So sick.

Let's all get a photo for our Instagram accounts.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

And if -- Reid, if you could tag me, that would be awesome.

Oh, okay. I'm just gonna -- oh, here we go.

Oh, I stepped in shit.

Oh! You stepped in dog shit!

Shoot. [ Chuckling ] Oh, no.

-You stepped in shit. -No.

I'm literally stabbing old dog shit.

Oh, my God. No, don't do that.

Jaxon shit himself. [ Chuckles ]

Why is it so soft?

Is this animal okay?

Don't do that with the -- [ Chuckles ]

That's really funny,

but that's not -- it's not really for that.

It's an international artifact.

[ Laughter ]

Dude, why is it curved?

[ Laughter ]

Ew! Ew!

Unh, unh, unh!

Slice and dice. Aha.

Chad: [ Groans ]

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.

Chad, what's wrong?

Chad: Nothing.

It's just man stuff.

I don't want to talk to you about it. You're a lady.

Honey, you can talk to me about anything.

I wanna talk to men only right now.

Please bring me Ikrimah.

I'll bring Hamid.

And Ikrimah.

So, what's up, young stud?

Give it to us, men on men.

I need to talk to you guys about something,

but you have to swear not to tell my mom.

No questions asked.

Cross my heart and hope to die.

Ikrimah.

I mean, it depends on what you tell me.

I can also just leave.

You must stay.

I could never do this without you.

He's good. He swears.

Okay, well, I took my sword to school,

even though I wasn't supposed to,

and this guy Reid really liked it,

so I gave him my sword to keep forever.

No, no, no, but your dad gave it to you.

I know. Shoot.

You're making me nervous, Hamid.

It's okay, it's okay.

Hey, you could just go back to school and get it back.

Bingo.

And I think the way to do that is to tell the truth.

Yes.

Ikrimah, you're on fire.

You must talk to this Reid face-to-face.

Approach him, look him in the eyes,

take his hand gently.

Mm, I don't know about -- I wouldn't take his hand.

Look him in the eyes and tell him

what the sword means to you on a personal level.

If he is a good man,

he will give you the sword back.

As long as Ikrimah's on board.

Yeah.

The three of us, huh?

We are so same-minded.

This is Lamborghini-level problem solving.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Alright, I'm gonna just do it, Peter.

I'm gonna stay cool

and tell him how much the sword means to me.

I-I believe in you, buddy.

Just do it the way we practiced.

Here I go. Mm.

[ SUV door closes ]

Hey, Reid.

Ah, hey, man. What's up?

Hi, hi, and hello.

What is up is, how's your day?

And also, I was wondering

if I could talk to you about the sword.

Oh, yeah, the sword.

Yeah, I put up mad videos last night

and got, like, triple digits on Instagram.

So it's, like, huge.

Yeah, I-I saw.

It was really cool.

Yeah. Oh, there it is.

What's your Instagram? I'll tag you.

Forgot to give you photo creds.

Sorr-- I'm sorry. What?

What's your Instagram?

It's, uh, Chad underscore Amani underscore.

Don't forget the second underscore.

Yeah, I-I-I got it.

Can I just make sure that you didn't forget?

Is that -- is that you?

That's me.

[ Chuckles ] Okay.

Wh-- What was it you were gonna ask for?

Just gonna say thank you.

For everything.

Oh. That's it?

Yep.

And also, just to -- don't forget to have a TGIF.

Thanks.

Enjoy your Wednesday night, Reid.

Hey, what -- what does TGIF stand for, again?

Thank God It's Friday.

Shit. Damn.

Yeah, I used it wrong.

Dang it.

How'd it go?

Well, he's gonna acknowledge me on Instagram,

so guess you could say

it was one of the best conversations of my entire life.

And he's gonna give you back the sword?

No. No, he's not.

But I only have one father in this life,

so we're gonna have to steal it.

This one's for you, Babai.

Congratulations.

Chad: If you're here, you've been picked

to help with what I call

"Operation Steal the Sword Back."

First step --

Peter, can you confirm the car is locked?

[ Door handle rattles ] It's locked, sir.

I like that. I like the "sir."

Everybody, do that.

Marjorie: I'm sorry. Do I need to be here?

I feel like you're acting like

I'm part of your friend group.

Marjorie, everyone plays a role,

and you're at the center of this thing.

We need you to break into the car.

I don't know how to break into a car.

What are you talking about?

Don't you come from the wrong side of the tracks?

Reid: Hey, one sec!

Just got to grab my vape from my car!

Shit. Reid's coming back.

Okay, let's get out of here.

We'll come back when --[ Glass shatters ]

I panicked.

♪

Uh, Chad?

Dude, some dude just flew into your car.

What the hell?

P-Please.

I'll -- I'll pay for everything.

Please.

Why are you in my car?

W-What is wrong with you?

You broke into my car.

Wow. What a freak.

No, I'm not a freak.

[ Sword clinks ] Ah!

[ Crying ] You don't understand.

It's my daddy.

Dude, are you on meth? Dude.

Chad: Shut up!

It's from my daddy.

He told me to protect it.

No, Chad, your leg.

You need to go get some help.

It was just a snafu.

No, you're bleeding, Chad.

Peter, tell them.

Why is it escalating?

Chad. Oh, my God.

It was just -a little snafu. -What's going on?

This kid's just bleeding to death

and saying "daddy" and "snafu."

Chad, it's Charles.

Charles: Put the sword down,

or I will have to tackle you.

I don't want to get tackled.

We love you, Chad. Just put it down.

I promise -- you put the sword down,

no tackling will happen.

Okay. Okay.

[ Both grunt ] All: Oh!

What a roller coaster we've been on with these pants.

[ Chuckles ]

Guess they're going

where they were destined to be all along.

Trash.

Chad, this is exactly what I didn't want to happen.

I'm obviously getting rid of this.

What? Mom, no.

This is my lowest point in my life,

and you're taking my one sword from my one father?

Come on, Chad.

I shouldn't have let you have it from the start.

Mom, wait. Just let me say goodbye.

No, Chad.

Mom. Stop it.

Oh, my God, Mom.

Just tell him that you bought the sword already.

And all the other Dad gifts.

Niki, can you give us a minute?

Mom, why would you do that?

[ Sighs ] Chad.

I know.

I --

It's okay.

It doesn't even matter.

No, let me explain.

Mom, I just already said it doesn't matter even.

'Cause... if Dad were here,

he would've gotten me the sword, right?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. See?

And he is definitely still really proud of me, right?

He's really proud of you.

Look, I'm not gonna take your sword away.

But it is a weapon.

So I'm gonna place it on this shelf...

...and I'll take it back down

when you're old enough to be more responsible.

So, like, could be tomorrow,

maybe the next day?

Probably a bit further off than that.

Hey, Mom? Mm-hmm?

Thank you for everything.

You're a really great mom and whatnot.

I love ya, honey.

Love you, too.

Actually, no.

What the hell was I thinking?

[ Singing in native language ]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

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