Original subtitles

(film rolls)

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

(upbeat music)

- [Steve] It's not healthy is all I'm saying, man.

You get backed up like that,

you're bound to explode.

- [John] It's really not a problem.

- [Steve] Not a problem?

John, how many years ago did Nichole leave you,

and you hadn't been with anyone else since?

People are starting to talk, man,

and the Pope called last week to see if you were okay.

- [John] What did you tell him?

- I told me better change

the church's position on masturbation,

otherwise you're liable to lose your immortal soul.

(upbeat music)

♪ I set out on a journey ♪

♪ Without even knowing that ♪

♪ Directions to my castle ♪

♪ I don't know where I should be going ♪

♪ I gotta a feeling ♪

♪ So I head out on my way ♪

♪ 'cause There's a princess in distress ♪

♪ You know I gotta save the day ♪

♪ I grab my shield and I grab my sword ♪

♪ A couple scrolls in case I might get bored ♪

♪ It's gonna be a journey ♪

♪ Gonna have a lot of battles ♪

♪ But you know I won't show no mercy ♪

♪ When I show up to that castle ♪

(upbeat music)

♪ Heads up, I don't know what is brewing ♪

♪ Look out, you gonna have to get out my way ♪

♪ I won't stop doing what I'm doing ♪

♪ Time is running out ♪

♪ And you know I gotta go save the day♪

♪ Heads up, I don't know what is brewing ♪

♪ Look out, you gonna have to get out my way ♪

♪ I won't stop doing what I'm doing ♪

♪ I'm trying to be a hero ♪

♪ And time for me to go save the day ♪

(upbeat music)

- What exactly is the church's stance on masturbation?

- Sitting I think.

(John laughs)

I mean, seriously, man, what's the problem?

- I don't know, man.

It's hard meeting people.

I'm out of practice.

- What practice?

All you gonna do is meet 'em, smile,

get in there and jam.

- All right, you're right,

but I don't know, man, fuck,

I just wish I hadn't fallen in love with her, you know.

- No, that word.

- What word?

- That is the word the Knights of Ni cannot hear, John.

- Oh, fuck off.

(phone rings)

- Oh, I think my ride's here.

- (laughs) What did she finally get her learners permit?

- No, (blows raspberries).

- Okay, okay.

(rock music)

Whatever, more for me.

Oh Steve, look what you're missing out on.

(upbeat rock music)

♪ We aint got much but ♪

♪ It's seems quite enough ♪

♪ When I'm with you doing na, na, na, na, nothing ♪

♪ This is my season ♪

♪ Making rhyme reason ♪

♪ Nothing but singing la, la, la, la ♪

(video game music)

- Morning boys.

What's the score?

- Oh, hey man.

- What's up, chief?

I'm winning.

- Ah, bullshit!

And easy with that chief crap,

I'm one-16th Native American.

- Fucker! - Oh hey!

- Lighten up, Francis.

- Ah, it's Frank, asshole.

- Psycho!

- Fucking white people. - I know, right?

(Steve knocks)

- John, get up.

Am I interrupting something?

- Possibly a world record.

- I'll call Guinness.

- Mm, what are we late again or something?

- All considering classes started last week.

No, no, I'd say we're right on time.

- Mm, all right, give me a second, I'll be ready.

- Atta boy.

(upbeat music)

(car engine revving)

♪ We aint got much but ♪

♪ It seems quite enough ♪

(both chucking)

- Let's go learn, man.

♪ This is my season ♪

♪ Making rhyme reason ♪

- This kind of looks the staff parking lot...

- I'm surprised they still let us come back here.

Especially with the last year, man.

- Oh yeah, when we shit in that trash can,

oh my God.

- It was in the girls' bathroom,

that was the problem.

- You're gonna be on TV?

- Well, the math doesn't even add up.

Ooh, hey, I don't think we should be here today, man.

- What are you talking about?

Dude, is that- - No, no.

- Is that- - No, it definitely isn't.

- Dude, that's Nichole. - No, it isn't,

it's somebody else.

Hey, you know, I hear your mom calling you.

What's that, Mrs. Barden?

John stole your socks again? - Hey, hey, how do I look?

- You look like a lesbian,

so we should go home and change.

- What does that even mean, man?

(bouncy music)

Having some trouble there?

- John?

- Hey, hey! - Oh my God!

- How are you doing? - How are you,

are you still in school?

- Yeah, I took a year off or three,

three years off.

- So you still living with your parents?

- No, no, no, actually they're away for the summer,

so place to myself, you know.

- What class do you have?

- Sociology.

Actually in a couple of minutes with,

you remember Steve?

- Hey! - Oh, come on, dude.

Well, what about you?

What are you doing here?

- Oh, it's a long story.

At the last minute the university decided

to void my AP Chem class,

so I needed to get the credit,

get my masters and.

- That sucks, I'm sorry to hear that.

- Yeah, tell me about it,

but they're letting me audit it here instead of New York,

saves me like 2,000 bucks.

- Oh, yeah, who's teaching that class?

- Williams.

- Oh my God, dude,

we're in that class too.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Sure, that's why you missed the first day.

- Well, yeah, I mean we had some scheduling problems,

so you know, we are actually on the way to talk

to professor- - Williams.

- Williams, right now actually.

- Okay. - Yeah.

- Well, I guess I'll see you in class then.

- Yes, you will, study buddies?

- Sure. - All right.

- You look good, John.

- You too.

- Call me? - Yes, absolutely.

- Okay.

- Six years of rehabilitation down the drain.

- We have to get into Chem, man.

- John, I'm your friend,

let's keep it that way.

- Let's go to Chem, let's go to Chem.

- You're doing that stupid dance

isn't gonna makes me wanna go any faster.

- Let's go to Chem. - I have it,

it's not gonna help anyone.

- Excuse me, Professor Williams.

- Yeah.

- I'm trying to get into your advanced chemistry class,

but they won't let me register without your signature.

- Well, you're a week late.

I'm sorry, I can't catch up now.

You have to wait till next semester to sign up.

- Right, sorry, we wasted your time, come on, man.

- No, no, no, no, no.

Sir, my entire future depends on me getting

into this class this semester.

- You know, this class is no joke.

- And I'm not laughing.

- Okay, what's the atomic weight of Xenon.

- 131.29.

- Wow, welcome to the class.

Catch up on your own,

and we're starting chapter four, Mr?

- Barden, John Barden,

and thank you, you're not gonna regret this really.

Come on.

- Dude, dude, how the hell did you know that?

- Oh dude, you said I was an idiot for buying this shirt.

- I said you were an idiot for buying 20 of those.

- Well, I don't like to do laundry.

(Steve chuckles)

- So anyways, I woke up and I was like, wait,

that was your dog licking me?

'Cause I definitely thought it was you.

It was so weird.

- Well, all the hallways look the same.

- Hey, are we in the sociology wing?

Cause I don't understand.

- Wait, hold on, let me ask.

Excuse me, oh, ah, sorry.

- Are they meditating in there?

- Yeah, how do we get into that class?

- Right, couldn't you just sleep the entire time,

and pass that class?

- I'd get an A plus plus for sure.

(upbeat music)

- Now as you know Sociology is a science,

and there're many times when the rules of sociology

combine with science,

and one of those would be the incarnation

of the modern "toofbrush."

Boys, you is late.

- We is?

We sorry.

- Yeah, we got stuck in our other class,

the professor held us late.

- And who might that be?

- Professor Defringsdingbergnessner.

- Who?

- Professor Defringsdingbergnessner.

- Defringsdingbergnessner.

Oh, I knows him.

You know what?

I'll have a chat on him later on.

Make sure he don't keep my boys after anymore.

- Oh, thank you very much.

We'd really appreciate that.

- You bet.

- What are your names, boys?

I gotta write in roll book over yonder.

- John Barden.

- Steve.

This guy's a complete freaking idiot.

- He's gotta be faking it.

- Okay.

Where was I?

- "Toofbrush?"

- "Toofbrush," yes, thank you very much.

We need to talk about the "toofbrush,"

and its effects on society as we know it today.

Before we start,

does anybody have any questions or comments?

Yes, Willie.

- Sure, I think that the "toofbrush" is a necessary evil.

- Yes, it is.

I believe that too.

The "toofbrush" or mouth stick

as it was called frequently back in the day

was invented in 1654 by Sir Walter Toof.

- Hey?

What are you doing?

- Taking notes.

Seriously, leave me alone.

I'm trying to get something from this class.

- From this guy,

are you kidding me?

The only thing you're gonna get is lost.

All right, tell you what?

You're better off coming back to my place,

and trying on my mouth stick.

- You are so sick.

- Oh my God, could you keep it down, please?

Some of us are actually trying to do well in this class.

- Unbelievable some people,

the lack of respect for a tenured professor.

- Thank you.

Yes, young lady,

please try to keep it down.

Let's get back to the lesson.

Similar to the caste system in India,

the toothbrush made way

for a bunch of advantaged people here in the new world,

and we could even-

(phone rings)

- Now class, must I repeat myself again?

There is no room for that gadgetry junk here

here while I am teaching,

not in my classroom.

Sir, come here, give that to me.

Bring that up here,

I will hold your junk till the end of class.

(John laughs)

- Shut up.

- Come on.

Do not believe this.

Just give me that.

Thank you.

Hmm, she's gotta be cold.

- Was he gentle with your junk?

- Shut the fuck up, John.

- All right.

So they were using towels for the longest time

before the toothbrush...

(music drowns out professor)

(upbeat music)

♪ I can't explain what it is ♪

♪ That you do to me ♪

♪ Yeah, I can't eat ♪

♪ I can't sleep ♪

♪ I can barely breathe ♪

- 101.2, it's John the bartender here

with the finger deep into your local talents.

That was Phonetic Plumbing with Llarry.

Up next, we got Wood with their hit song,

and then a little Champagne Cupcake Trio

to finish the night off,

so stay with us as long as you can keep your eyes open.

101.2.

Just when I thought I was out,

she pulls me back in boys.

- Oh, did you just quote "The Godfather" three?

- I think I just died a little bit on the inside.

- We should get chicken on the way home.

- You guys suck.

- You suck.

(phone rings)

- Hey Roger,

No, no, no, man, Saturdays, I don't work ever,

so you're gonna have to reschedule that or something.

Stop!

No, no man, Saturdays, I really can't help you.

Okay, I'm sorry,

and I'm sorry for your loss too.

Can you stop?

(upbeat music)

♪ It's gotta be against the law to look this damn good ♪

♪ Watch out now ♪

♪ 'Cause baby I feel real and I wish I would ♪

♪ Watch out now ♪

♪ It's gotta be against the law to look this damn good ♪

♪ Watch out now ♪

♪ Everybody watch out ♪

♪ Watch out now ♪

Hello!

- Hi, do you have an application?

- Yes, I do.

- I'm Steve, Steve Dillard,

and you are?

- Cindy Pressman.

- And you must be Cindy's sister

- (chuckles) Cindy, I like this one.

Hello, you're a sweet talker, aren't you?

My name is aunt Shelly,

I'm Cindy's aunt Shelly,

but you can call me aunt Shelly.

- Aunt Shelly. - Mm-hmm.

- I love it.

- Do you wanna go get that application?

Follow me.

Excuse me.

- Right, everything here looks...

sexy- um... satisfactory.

Unfortunately, they're gonna make me ask you

a couple of questions,

so I see you are a senior at Olympia.

- Yes.

- Right, so what made you want to apply here?

- I don't know,

I like movies.

- No way, I do too,

that's so crazy.

I see you have a birthday coming up.

- In two months? - Yeah, Yeah.

So how do you feel about fondling, handling money,

like out of the cash registers?

- Okay, I guess.

- Yeah.

You held a lot of other positions?

- Positions?

- Oh jobs, sorry.

- Oh, jobs, I babysat.

- Great, how about weekends?

- Yeah, I used to babysit on the weekends.

- No, like are you free on the weekends?

- Well, not if I'm working.

- Right, you're smart.

Okay, if the phone were to ring right now,

how would you answer it?

- How complicated are your phones?

I've only used normal phones.

- That's an unfair question,

and I'm not gonna ask it again.

- Okay, what about transportation?

- I don't have a car,

but my uncle Zeke could probably give me a ride.

- Yeah, uncle Zeke.

(blows raspberries) You are so hired. (laughs)

So when can you start? - Next weekend?

- Great, how is Saturday at one?

- Great, I'll be here.

- And so will I.

(upbeat music)

I can't wait, it's gonna be so fun.

(Cindy chuckles)

Throwing pop corn at each other,

no, I can't 'cause then I'll have to clean it up

and I'm not gonna do that.

(upbeat music)

- Hey.

- Wow, you actually made it.

I'm impressed.

How'd you get into this class?

- I've got some dirt on the professor.

- Notebook, textbook, pen?

- You've got all those, right?

- Thank you. - Some things never change.

- Okay, we'll be starting with chapter four today;

Self-organization principles of molecules

under extreme pressure.

- I'm glad you're here, John.

It feels so familiar.

- Well, happy to be entertaining you.

We should get together though after this, you know,

and just catch up and talk.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- I'd like that.

- When placed under intense pressure.

These noble gases tend to act like

what other elements Mr. Barden?

- I'm sorry, sir,

I'm actually still getting acclimated with the material.

- Okay, but no excuses next class.

(upbeat music)

- Okay class, now everyone's needing to be getting settled.

Now don't forget your papers is due next class,

so don't forget 'em.

I aims to get 'em graded by the weekend.

Oh good, you're here.

See, I told you guys he'd show up.

They were gonna leave.

- Were some of y'all gonna leave?

- Yeah, well some of them were,

but I stopped them, so.

- Thank you, son.

- Smooth.

- You're such a fucking prick,

you know that?

- Honey, I am the macaroni and the cheese.

(John laughs)

(ambient piano music)

- Hey, you made it.

Let me get you one of these.

- Wow! - Don't spill.

- This place hasn't changed a bit.

- Are you kidding me?

This place used to be nasty.

There used to be used condoms,

and syringes, and hobos fucking over there and stuff.

This place looks great now.

- No, I don't remember all of that.

I guess we didn't really make it out of the backseat.

- This was kind of our spot, huh?

- It's kinda everyone's spot.

Half the girls I know were here at one point or another.

- This place is kind of crazy like that.

It's got some sorta wild sexual vibe about it, you know?

You know the guys around town actually call it

the pussy vortex.

- That's disgusting.

- Okay, well, by other guys around town,

I actually just mean, Steve.

- Why do you still hang out with him?

- I don't know,

he's a good friend.

He's there, he's there, you know.

- That's something, I guess.

I just thought you'd be doing something by now.

You had a lot of plans, John.

- Yeah, I know.

I know.

I'm on the radio now.

It's the night shifts for 101.2.

You remember?

I get to play all the local band's new music

that can't get on during the day,

so I mean, that's cool.

My boss hates me now,

he's a fucking dick.

He just thinks I'm some sort of a fuck up, you know?

I may be a weirdo, yes, but I'm not a fuck up.

I'm not where I want to be at all in my life,

I still got ideas, just...

Forget it.

What about you,

what's new with you.

- I'm engaged.

(record scratches)

- Um, engaged?

- Yep, he's a professor in New York city.

We're not engaged, engaged.

He still has to finalize his divorce first, but-

- I'm sorry? - I know how it sounds.

- Okay? - Okay.

But this is different.

He listens to me.

- Look, all right.

I'm happy you found someone.

Okay, really, I am.

- Thanks.

Most of my friends aren't very understanding.

- Ah, well, they're probably just thinking

about what they want instead of what you want, you know.

People can be like that sometimes.

- I know.

Thanks for being supportive.

- Of course, I'm happy for you,

really, I am.

- Oh, well I guess that's it.

You're just gonna have to move on, that sucks.

There are other fish in the sea though.

- So, shit, man.

I'm still in the game.

It's just the first quarter,

and contrary to popular belief,

I have endurance.

- John, you need to forget

about Nichole completely, all right?

Get yourself a safe girl.

- What like a high school girl?

- Hey, you know what?

Much like this mix of hops and heaven.

It is an acquired taste.

- I don't know, man,

high school girls seem a little immature for my taste.

- Oh no, oh no, Steve.

Oh no, he's back.

Oh, oh, oh, no, he's attacking me Steve.

Steve, Steve, help me, Steve.

Oh, oh, no!

(upbeat music)

Fuck!

- Jenga, Bitch!

- Oh, don't pretend you didn't like that.

- Asshole. - Exactly.

Ready to get to your sociology on?

You wrote your paper?

- Not even a little bit.

- You?

- Who are you talking to?

Hi, yes, Professor Robertson.

This is Steve Dillard from class.

No, sir, you don't teach trigonometry.

Your sociology 101 class.

Yeah, yeah, the one that starts in 20 minutes.

Yeah, I was just calling to let you know

that John Barden and I are not gonna be,

John Barden.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's in the class too,

we're both in the class.

I was just calling to let you know

that our grandma died.

So we aren't gonna be able to make it.

Yes, yes, absolutely, sir,

we will get those papers e-mailed

to you the second, the funeral ends.

Thank you so much, Professor Robertson.

- (claps) Well done, Ferris.

Really, good job.

What about my chemistry class?

- I think I have a blank death certificate

you can borrow if you want.

What are you just printing $50 bills

in the basement or something?

- Oh John, you have so much to learn.

- Okay, that was cool.

- Yeah, right. - That was cool.

- I didn't even think it was gonna happen like that.

It just kind of did.

(upbeat music)

- And so it was the peer pressure from the deviant apes

that made the good apes start smoking the leaves.

And I don't have to tell you who that precipitated

the human evolution.

(sighs) Guys, you is late again.

What am I gonna do with you?

- Yeah, sorry.

Hey, did you grade our papers?

- Well, apparently you boys never turned them in.

- Whoa, hey, whoa, well, we called you remember?

Dead grandma? Grandma's dead.

- Well, wait, wait, wait, wait, you know,

I think I do remember something about that.

Yeah, it's coming back to me.

- Yeah, yeah, we e-mailed them.

It says right here you got 'em.

- I'm sure they're down in my office.

After class, meet down in my office,

and we'll go over all of this,

we'll get it squared away. - Yeah.

- Thank you, boys.

(both chuckling)

- Wow!

- So let's get back now to our lesson.

You say it's evolution.

Some say it's evolution.

I just say it's lution.

Doesn't matter.

Lution is lution.

- Sort of one of going that night,

but then I found out that they brought in like a midget,

and a flame thrower and it was so hot.

- Oh! - Wow!

- What the fuck? - Oh!

- Oh hey. - Oh, wait, wait,

what the hell are you guys doing here?

Shouldn't you be playing like Frogger or something?

- Oh, we're looking for the psychology department.

- Yeah, yeah, they're paying five bucks

for some negative reinforcement testing,

and oh, we're hungry.

- $5 foot long day.

- Mm, $5 foot long.

- You know, all right, whatever, guys.

I'll see you back at my house

- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, awesome.

All right, so shoo!

- Thank you.

- You know I didn't know their asses weren't cemented

to your couch cushion,

so that's pretty weird.

(John knocks)

- Who's there?

- John. - Come in.

- Steve. - Well, come in.

Yeah, it's like the joke, knock, knock,

and then I said who's there.

- Oh! - Oh.

- Hi, what can I do you for?

- Did you find our papers yet?

- No.

Good, I know it is here somewhere.

I had it.

It's messy here.

- Do you need us to resend them?

- No, no, no, no, this is my fault.

This is all my fault.

It is, I've been busy and you know,

and you, I remember yours,

it was a good paper,

you did a good job,

a very good job.

You know what?

Let's just cut to the otters head,

and what do you say?

We'll give you a 98.

98 for you,

and for you a 98, right?

- Oh no, no, no, mine wasn't as good as his.

- You're right, 81, 81.

We'll just do that,

that's a B,

and B is good.

I like B.

Well, you know, I do appreciate your waiting,

and again, I do apologize for this.

Sometimes, you know, this comes up,

and it's piling up higher and higher,

and I know that somewhere inside here I have,

I know it's here, but.

- No, no, no, no.

Hey, hey, our grandma's shouldn't have died.

- No, she shouldn't have. - What an idiot, right?

- You know, I just, you know, you can't,

it's not her fault,

but it kinda is. - A little, a little.

- They can plan a little better.

Why don't you get out of here now?

Because I got some lots of stuff to do,

and I gotta find another paper.

- Absolutely. - Yeah.

- All right, and you take care now.

Whoa, one of you guys dropped a deuce or something?

- (laughs) and ah, I win. - What?

- I am the best. - Fucking cheater,

that's what you are.

- I get the mozzarella stick here.

- Oh, bullshit.

Pick up a joy and let's go again.

- Smells like victory. - Again.

- Run it back!

(upbeat music)

- Okay, so when a new movie comes in,

it comes in on one of these hard drives.

You know, it's not like the old days

where it came in on multiple reels,

you had to splice the film together.

Okay, whatever.

So anyways, when a new movie comes in,

you come over here,

take out the old hard drive,

put the new one in,

and slide it in.

- I can't see.

Oh, all right, well, come over this way.

(sensual music)

- Yeah, so you, sorry, where was I?

- Sliding it in.

- What?

- The hard drive.

Oh, all right.

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

(sensual music)

- Frank, get off of him, dude.

- Oh my God, I think my fucking spleen just ruptured.

- Oh, baby.

- Well, anyway I am getting the 'cuda back tomorrow.

- No shit!

- Yeah. - It's about time, man.

- I know you're telling me,

I'm about to be cruising like all day on Monday.

- Wait, what's Monday?

Is it Arbor day?

- Monday, my friend is what in high school is referred

to as a half day,

so it'd be sacrilege not

to take advantage of that, right?

- What about the,

what's her name,

the new hottie at work?

- Oh yeah, no, I don't know

if that one's gonna work out this time.

- It's never stopped you before.

- Yeah, but I keep getting older, okay?

I'm gonna get caught pretty soon.

- So don't do it.

- Yeah, okay, you've obviously never seen

this chick before, all right?

You don't say no to a girl like this.

- Ah, you don't.

(John laughs)

- All right, yeah, whatever, I don't.

She's not like your average high school girl, you know?

- What is she advanced? - Homeschooled?

- No, she's in high school.

I just mean she's,

fuck, I don't know, she's different, all right?

- But isn't that what you said about Sarah?

- Yeah, I did say that about Sarah,

but what I met with Sarah's a fucking psychopath, okay?

- Didn't you date her for like six months?

- Yeah. - Yeah, I did,

and it was the worst six months of my life actually.

It was the best sex though,

so I guess in retrospect, it's kinda.

- Whatever happened with that?

- She turned 18.

I had to cut her loose.

- For Christ's sake, would you just snap the freaking ball?

- All right. - Oh, somebody wants

to get to get scored on.

- Okay, okay, I'm coming for you.

- Yeah.

- Hut!

Oh, there he is.

Oh drop.

- Through the trees! - Yes!

- In your face, Bob.

Touch down.

- Still got it.

Yeah, you saw that.

(upbeat music)

(indistinct)

- [Professor] There will be previously seen

in their individual elements

which reaction means (indistinct).

- John?

- An answer Mr. Barden.

- Seven.

- Yeah, very good.

In this way conversion of this group introduced is stable.

(music drowns out professor)

(triumphant music)

(garage door opens)

(door opens)

- Is he here?

- Yeah, yeah, he's upfront,

and he didn't take his pills today.

- Oh, this is gonna be so ripe.

- Yeah, no shit, dude.

Oh, here he comes.

- Oh, good morning, class.

- [All] Good morning Professor Robertson.

- Yeah.

Today, we needs to talk about the impact of marriage

in our social system.

Before we's get started,

anyone have any questions or comments.

- Yes, Daniel.

- Sure, marriage is good.

- Well, yes it is.

Thank you for participating.

Marriage is the coming of two people in a relationship

in a social setting,

or three or four people, depending on where you live,

like if you live near Utah or something like that

then it's a whole different story,

but a whole lot more fun.

Let me explain.

Does anyone here know someone who's married?

Good, good, good, good.

See, in marriage though,

you think you know what it's about,

you do not.

'Cause you see marriage,

it's a scam.

It's a scam from big business just to get people

to start marriaging together.

It's really to get people to spend money.

It's a commercial thing.

It really example, again, i.e. dot, dot, dot, colon.

You would buy a towel,

then you'd buy towels,

and now you buy his and hers towels,

so that you've got to spend more money,

and then it just gets a little bit crazy, doesn't it?

I think it does,

It really does.

- Another thing, who here has ever seen a phone book?

Okay, all right.

Now in the phone book, you'll notice

that you've got like Smith,

and the names in the phone book,

all different kinds of names,

and it's Smith,

and then you'd get Jones,

and of course not on the same page,

'cause that would either be a very, very small town

which isn't a bad thing,

'cause I miss mine.

But also you think about it,

and it would be Smith Jones,

and then they would have a hyphen Smith-Jones,

'cause people get married and wanna keep their names,

but then it's just one name,

and then it just goes by Jones.

You see what I'm,

do you understand what I'm saying?

Does anyone have any questions?

- Gregory, yes.

- I'm not in this class.

- You is now.

- I have an unrelated question.

- There is no unrelated questions

when it comes to sociology.

- Fantastic, 'cause I was wondering

what the fuck is wrong with you?

Do you have any idea what you're talking about?

- That would really be two questions.

- Okay, hello people,

are you buying this bullshit?

Go home, watch cartoons or something,

anything but this.

Jesus!

(door opens)

- And that class is why some people will never get married,

'cause it's an anger issue.

It's an anger issue.

It is a bad thing.

Does anyone else have any other questions?

(upbeat music)

- I don't know,

it was just kinda sad really.

- Robertson just like brushed it off.

He probably didn't even hear it.

- Yeah, I guess it helps to be off planet anyways.

- I wonder what it's like to be off planet.

- I always thought it would be like "Star Wars?"

But that takes place in the past, so-

- As long as it's not like Aliens

that's all I care about.

(upbeat music)

So you and new girl going out tonight?

- Yeah, second date.

I better get a piece of ass this time, man.

She's such a goddamn cock tease.

- Whoa, okay, maybe she's just a virgin though.

- No, there's no way,

she's way too hot for that.

Besides I swore off virgins.

- It seems awfully out of character for you.

- No, no, no, no, no,

look there's like an associated smell

with the taking of a girl's virginity.

Yeah, it's disgusting you can't get it out of the car.

I'm not putting the 'cuda through that shit again.

- That's messed up dude.

- Anyways I have a new rule about that,

I wait for somebody else to break them in first,

you know, a boyfriend, uncle, whenever.

- You got fucking problems, man.

- Yes, I do.

- So what are you coming over?

- Yeah, where else would I go?

- I don't know, home, library, playground.

We all know how Steve likes the playgrounds.

(upbeat music)

(car engine revs)

(sensual music)

(van engine revs)

(upbeat music)

- And I totally didn't expect this to happen,

I mean, he's still married to his wife.

She just thinks that he's gonna like leave his family

and run away with her.

How do I even spin that?

- It's gotta be tough.

Girls who go for older guys,

they don't like to come back.

- What exactly do you wanna do here?

- I just want them out of the way out of the way.

- Out of the way or out of the way?

- Come on, man, we don't have to kill him.

Do we?

- No.

No, no, you bunch of idiots, no, okay,

but he is pissing me off, all right?

I mean, he's just using her,

and she just has no idea.

- We could scare him off,

rough him up a little bit.

- Yeah, but then what if it doesn't hold,

and he sticks around anyway.

- Could rough her up a little bit.

- No.

- We can take pictures of him with a chick.

- With Nichole.

- Yeah, and then send to his wife,

and then he has to choose upfront.

- Yeah, but then when if he chooses Nichole,

and I'm even more screwed than I was at first.

- Okay, okay, so find some ho-bag,

you know, some other chick to sleep with him.

- You're telling me that you're planning to get me laid is

to hire some whore to have sex with somebody else.

- Yes.

- Not your best plan.

- Man, forget all that.

This type of guy is probably a real scumbag already.

Nichole is a bright girl,

she'll come around eventually.

- So what, like I just do nothing?

- No, no, no, keep going after her,

but there's no reason to cock block this guy,

he'll end up fucking himself eventually.

- I don't know, man,

it just doesn't seem like enough, you know?

- Okay, well, what other choice do you have?

- None, okay, none, fine.

Fuck you guys, okay.

Are you guys coming over or what?

- Is your mom gonna be there?

- No, she's been gone all summer, man,

but she made lasagna,

four months ago,

it's in the freezer,

and I'ma heat that shit up.

- [Frank] Still good.

(upbeat music)

- Hello? - Hey.

- Who's this? - It's John.

You told me to call. - Oh, hi.

- Something wrong?

You were supposed to go to New York this weekend, right?

- [Nichole] Nigel says he's too busy to see me, prick.

I think he's seeing his wife behind my back.

- That's too bad.

- [Nichole] We should get together.

Dinner this weekend?

- Yeah, sure. - Sounds great.

Make some plans and call me.

- Yeah, for sure.

I will do.

(John chuckles)

Woo, all right!

- [Steve] How was your call?

- Going out with Nichole this weekend.

Dinner. - Nice man, good luck.

- You're pissing in your own face, man.

- What about the fiancé?

- Still with his wife.

- Good, very stable.

- Look who is talking, man.

- That actually reminds me, ah, (blows raspberries).

(Frank and Bob laugh)

- [John] Shut up.

(upbeat music)

- I gotta manscape.

Got a date later.

- Yeah, what's his name?

- Lucy.

- Isn't that your mom's name?

- It's okay, my mom's not in high school.

(John laughs)

- That's really fucking funny, dude.

(all laugh)

(beer pours)

- Wow, there's my little heartbreaker.

Hey, come on and give your uncle a little kiss now, come on.

(Zeke and Shelly laughing)

- Uncle Zeke, I just put my lips on.

- Cindy Starlight Pressman,

don't you dare sass your uncle.

- Sorry, aunt Shelly.

- Are you having some dinner,

or are you still watching your figure?

- I'll watch your figure for you.

- Nothing for me, thanks.

I'm going out with Steve tonight.

- Oh yeah, I don't know what I think

about this Steve character, huh?

What are you working in that flicker shack for, huh anyway?

You smell like popcorn,

and you're hardly making anything.

I told you,

you want to make some real money

you gotta go down there and audition for the Kat.

- Mm-mh, now Zeke, that place closed down last year.

- Oh what?

Oh shit! - Yeah, I know.

- That's where me and our aunt Shelly met.

She was B squad,

but I'll tell you she would have been center stage

Friday night had I not come along and snatched her up.

- That was by the good old days.

- Yes, one of the good old days.

- But that's not for Cindy, mm-mh,

Cindy is doing just fine, aren't you sweetie?

- Steve's here.

(car honking)

- All right, honey, have a good time.

- Steve's here.

- Oh no, no, don't worry about it.

Come on. - Steve.

I know I'll give you something to fill your hands with.

Come on, come on, let's go, naughty boy.

- Play hide the beer can. - Yeah. (laughs)

- Hey, cut it out.

- What?

- Come on, I'm just not ready yet.

- Have another beer then.

- I'm serious.

Besides I have to sober up by curfew.

Aunt Shelly will smell my breath and spank me again.

Have you thought anymore about home coming?

- Yeah, I thought about it.

- And?

- I don't know,

I need more time, all right?

- But there's this other guy who just asking me,

and I can't keep stalling.

- So go with him then.

- I don't want to go with him,

he's in my grade.

- Did you tell him that?

- No, I told him I wanna go with you,

but that you hadn't decided yet,

so he'll just have to wait.

- Okay, so let me get this straight.

You've just got this kid on hold.

- Kind of.

(Steve Chuckles)

- What?

- No, nothing, nothing come here.

(upbeat music)

- [Bob] What do you mean you haven't done her yet?

- She's in high school, man.

She's doesn't even have a car for Christ sake.

- So get behind her, grab her arms,

and ride her like a bicycle.

- Yeah, I don't think her mom would appreciate

that very much.

- Is her mom hot?

- Probably, but she's gotta be at least 30.

- You know what you should do?

Go to her house when her mom's there,

get behind her like-

- What's up, man?

- I'm just killing time before work.

- All right, well, I will be

in my room exercising my God given rights

to watch free porn and rub one out, so.

- So think of me.

- Always do. But you guys, okay?

I don't want you down here playing games all day

in my parents' basement, okay.

Robert, take out the trash,

and Franklin, so help me God,

if I have to ask you to mow the lawn one more time,

no more games, that's it.

- But I hate chores.

- That's enough out of both of you, okay?

- You know where I'll be.

- Have fun, boys.

(happy music)

- Yeah.

(sensual music)

- There you are.

I've been looking all over for you.

- I've been right here.

- So I see.

I got your message,

what's up?

- So I've decided I'm gonna go.

- Oh Steve.

- Yeah, okay, well I'm telling you right now.

I'm not going to like it,

but ii will do it for you.

- This is gonna be so great.

My friend, Sandy, she's going with her boyfriend, Richard,

if we can totally double.

- No, no, no, no, no, no doubles,

no dinners, just me and you, okay,

and we're not staying long.

- All right, but we are going?

- Yes Cindy, we are going to homecoming.

(sensual music)

- This is gonna be so great.

- Yeah. - I gotta get back downstairs.

- Okay.

(sensual music)

Fuck!

- It's tough.

I mean, I know there's a place for me at the university

when I graduate,

but the pay is not very good.

And then if I accept a position somewhere else,

that doesn't leave any room for Nigel.

He's tenure, so he can't just leave.

- I don't know about this Nigel guy,

he just seems like a real douche.

- (chuckles) Okay.

He's been a real asshole lately.

Some guys never grow up. - I grew up.

- Sure you did. - I did.

- Do you think Boba Fett could take on the Terminator?

- Oh my God, in a heartbeat.

I mean Boba Fett's a bounty hunter.

Terminator would have no idea what hit him.

- Real mature. - Oh, okay.

- We've been talking about me all night though,

what about you?

Are you seeing anyone?

- More like romantically?

- Yeah, anyone I'd know?

- Oh, no, I've been kind of more taking a break

from the whole dating game.

I'm trying to like figure some things out.

- That's good for you.

How much time have you taken?

- Well, like five or six-

- Weeks?

- Years.

- John, that's more than a little bit of time.

- I know.

- That's since we broke up.

Have you not dated anyone since we broke up?

- I dated a little bit,

like right after, but I don't know.

Okay, oh, okay,

so I like walnuts.

I'm not really a Chex Mix kinda guy.

- What?

- Okay, so Steve, he likes Chex Mix.

He likes the variety.

He likes to really dig in there,

and shove as much shit into his face as he possibly can

where I like walnuts.

I like to really take my time to crack into the-

- This is a terrible analogy. - It's not great.

It's not good.

I guess what I'm trying to say is you ruined me

for other women.

- Oh, because I'm a nut.

- Oh, that was bad,

that was not good.

- We should probably get going.

- Yeah, where's this waiter been?

I don't know where.

- So what time did you even get back last night?

- 9:30, and I got a good night kiss.

Okay, it was on the cheek,

but it was close to the lips,

and I paid for dinner,

so that's gotta mean something, right?

- It means you are out 50 bucks.

- Okay.

- Look, man, if you're not gonna be down

below fighting for scraps,

like the rest of us,

you need to swim your ass to the surface,

and tickle the little man in the boat.

Oh, I decided I'm going to homecoming.

- What?

No shit, dude.

You've gotta be fucking shitting me.

There is no way.

- I figured if she's gonna put out, you know,

this'll be the night

- God, you are gonna humiliate yourself in front

of an entire high school just to get this girl in bed,

are you kidding?

Why don't you graduate to real women, dude?

- 'Cause let me tell you something about real women.

- Please.

- They don't date guys like us, all right?

We're on the level.

Okay, we don't hide our demands,

and we don't try to put on a show,

or they don't want what we have to offer, okay.

They don't want love.

They're not looking for sex.

They're looking for a lifestyle, all right?

"What kind of car does he drive?

Is he rich?"

It's fucking vicious.

(John laughs)

Every hot girl that we knew in high school

was always dating a college guy, right?

- Yeah. - They shopped up,

that always left guys like me and you stuck somewhere

in between the fat chicks and the freaks.

- Fat chicks, oh...

- Dating isn't something that's meant to be enjoyed, man.

It's an emotional trash compactor

that's half filled with broken wills,

and it's topped off with rejection.

- Okay.

- But the game can be played both ways, right?

I can shop down,

because I am the college guy now.

This is my time.

I get to take my pick.

These high school girls who wouldn't piss on me,

if I was on fire?

Now I'm exactly what they're looking for,

and all of those guys who used to be us,

those loser guys,

they don't know it,

but I'm doing it for them, all right?

I fuck each and every one of those girls for those guys

who couldn't get a date on a Friday night.

- Wow! - And it feels good.

- Well, I'm sure.

And that's so very noble of you.

Oh, the King coming down from the castle

to feed the peasants.

You're basically a bottom feeder,

and you know it.

- I'm a what? - Bottom feeder, you know,

you're just strolling along the bottom of the ocean

just picking up whatever garbage you wanna put

in your mouth,

just way too lazy to even just go up and get real food.

- Okay, yeah, so I'm eating off the bottom,

I admit it.

This is a system that's been in place for generations.

The women invented it.

We just need to learn how to play along.

Nichole's professor, what's his fucking name?

- Nigel.

- Yeah, Nigel. - Yeah.

- Bottom feeder.

Extra slimy.

- Oh yeah.

And you need to be twice the fish that he is,

if you wanna win her back,

that's a lot of work, man.

And say you put in all that work,

and you don't get anything,

or you swim along the bottom. - Or?

- You get a girl is twice as hot,

and a little bit younger.

- You know what?

I'm willing to bet you

that I will be twice as satisfied winning back Nichole

than you ever would be fucking this random

high school sweetheart of yours.

- If you win her back.

- Oh, I'll win her back, all right?

I just got to get rid of this fiance of hers,

and I'm fucking golden.

- Yeah, well, okay, we'll see.

All right, you're ready? - Mm-hmm.

- Okay, time to beat is two minutes 47 seconds.

- Mm-hmm. - All right.

All right, on your mark. - Mm-hmm.

- Get set. - Mm-hmm.

- Go.

(water splashes)

(upbeat music)

- Please take a look at the outline for the midterm.

- Remember it represents 40% of your final grade,

so please, if you have any questions,

ask them now.

(John whistles)

- Goddamn!

- Come on, it won't be that bad

look at these questions.

- I don't know, Nichole.

I'm not good at taking tests.

- Maybe I can help you study.

- I like that idea.

(upbeat rock music)

- Hello, Nichole.

- Oh, you just missed John.

He went to class.

- Yeah, no, I know.

I was kinda hoping I could talk to you actually.

Look, John is, he's a good guy.

You know that,

but we both know that he's sensitive.

- Yeah, I know.

- So like the last time that you two were together,

and then you broke it off,

things got kinda bad,

like really bad.

- Oh, come on.

- No, I'm talking,

he was catatonic, okay.

It took a lot of serious vitamins to turn that boy around.

- What's your point?

- My point is I know you, you're evil, all right?

I know exactly what's gonna happen this time.

All I'm asking is that you give me some sort of heads up

before you fuck him over again, okay?

- Fuck you, Steve.

- If you wanna fuck me, that's fine.

Just like give me a heads up before you do it, okay?

Thank you.

- All right, for society to grow,

there have to be rules that everyone is in agreements with.

Now these are the laws that keep society going-

(door shuts)

but also there's the common sense things, like-

right now, it's also the common sense things

people forget, like they'll give someone a stick

to whoop you in the head with.

- Where the fuck were you?

- Dude them falling behind with all the homecoming crap.

I gotta get a suit, tickets, condoms, whatever.

I gotta get my paycheck after this class.

- At least, you know, you're actually gonna get laid.

Nichole's coming over later to study

whatever the fuck that means.

- It means you're gonna be a wreck for the rest of the day.

- Boys, y'all hear me?

- Seven. - Seven.

- Good, I thought you wasn't paying attention.

So that comes all the way down then to why people go there,

and why they end up having to wear them

before they go inside.

(video game music)

- No, no, no, boys come on, out.

So I got Nichole coming over at three to study.

- Hold on, we just need 15 minutes.

- Out!

- We're about to flip the score.

- Now!

- But John- - Look, do it tomorrow, Frank.

Come on, out boys.

Come on, let's move.

Let's move, quickly, let's go.

- We're going. - You guys move so slow.

Let's go, come on.

- All right, look at that, see here we go.

I'm moving along. - Move, let's hustle.

Let's get out of my house.

- It's our house too. - It's not.

No, it's not.

♪ Together we could be forever ♪

♪ Forever we could be together ♪

♪ Together we could be forever ♪

♪ Forever we could be together ♪

♪ Together we could be forever ♪

♪ Forever we could be together ♪

♪ Together we could be forever ♪

♪ You know you've got to change your mind ♪

♪ Sometimes I don't think we have the time ♪

♪ Forever. Forever we could be together ♪

♪ Together we could be forever ♪

♪ Forever we could be together ♪

♪ Together we could be forever ♪

♪ Don't talk, don't move, we've got to rhyme ♪

♪ You say we haven't got the time ♪

♪ Together, forever we could be together ♪

♪ Together we could be forever ♪

♪ Forever we could be together ♪

- Hey guys, John inside?

- Yeah.

(upbeat music)

- So...

how's Nigel?

- He's being a prick.

We got in this huge fight.

All he ever does this lie to me.

- That's not right.

- John, you know you don't have to get me drunk

to sleep with me.

- Ah, but I bought all this beer.

- How long do you give him?

- 10 minutes.

- Ouch, that's cold.

No faith in him?

He's a magnificent stallion.

- How long has it been?

Six years?

10 minutes at the top end unless they're actually studying.

(both chuckling)

- Wait Nichole, does this mean we're back together?

- Why does this have to mean anything?

Can't we just fuck for old time's sake.

- No, I don't want just some throwaway fuck.

I want you.

- Oh God, we can't just get back together, John.

It's been six years.

We're different people.

I'm just really pissed at Nigel right now.

It's revenge sex.

Can you handle that?

- No, I don't think I can. I have feelings here.

- Oh God, it's not about feelings,

and it's not about a relationship.

We had some good times sure,

but I've changed.

Maybe you haven't.

- I...I have.

- That's it, isn't it?

God, six years later and still the same old John.

- No.

- You know, I bet you're still duct taping yourself

to lawn chairs and jumping in the lake.

- Okay, my best time's almost a world record.

- You know, I almost love you, John,

but if you could just act like more of a man.

- I am.

- Hell, you hang out with your friends,

and live in your parents' basement.

Hell, you're still going to a two year community college.

You don't take your life seriously,

but you expect me

to think you can take a relationship seriously?

- Look, I've changed, okay?

You may not be able to see it - Bullshit!

- but I have. - Okay, take the chem class.

It is so obvious that you're just there to be around me.

That is a real class,

and you haven't listened to a word the professor said.

You don't care what you get on the exam.

You just invited me here to sleep with me,

and I came here because I wanted to too,

but now you're talking about a relationship.

You don't know the responsibility it takes

to make a relationship work.

- Oh I...I...I...I might-

- You know what?

I'll tell you what,

you wanna prove to me that you know what it takes

to build a real relationship, you ace that midterm.

- What?

- You get an A on that test,

and it'll show me that you know what it takes.

You don't get an A,

it's all over.

- Look, Nichole, that's fucking ridiculous.

- No buts.

I know it's crazy,

but I'm gonna give you your shot.

I owe you that.

You've got a week and a half

better take the plastic off those text books.

- But they're (stammers).

- Oh, my God.

(door opens)

- Bye, Nichole.

- Bye Nichole.

(upbeat music)

- Dibs on controller one.

(upbeat music)

Oh yeah, shit!

- (laughs) Cool Ranch!

- Right, I figured you do deserve to see me in something

that isn't a t-shirt.

- Hell, I've seen you naked.

- Hey, I thought we agreed to never talk about that.

- What's going on with the tie.

- Might wanna work on as a clip on,

so I don't know how to do it.

- Oh my God, come here, dude.

- What's this?

- If I don't pass my chemistry midterm,

I lose Nichole forever.

- So?

- So I'm studying.

- Aren't you on the air in an hour.

- Yeah, but I'm just gonna look at my notes

in between the songs

and then it's back to the wall,

no sleep for me tonight.

By the looks of it,

and you won't be getting very much either.

- Shit, I better not.

This stuff was expensive.

- All right, well, I thought I had.

- I'll Google it.

- You got condoms though, right?

- Buddy, I am a Trojan shareholder.

- Atta boy!

Well, remember if you get caught behind enemy lines

we will disavow any knowledge of your existence.

- For queen and country, sir.

- Godspeed.

(orchestral music)

- Oh and John?

You do realize those pages are double-sided, correct?

Good luck.

- Fuck!

♪ They call me the Juggler ♪

♪ 'cause I always have three lovers ♪

♪ And I burn through Trojan rubbers like the road ♪

♪ And when I'm not between the sheets ♪

♪ I'm busy just staying undercover ♪

♪ And it is sweet being the Juggler ♪

♪ Hey. ♪

- So you're Cindy's uncle?

- Uh-huh.

- What do you do you do for a living?

- I make bullets.

- Cool.

You like sell them to Mega Mart or?

(Shelly laughs)

- Zeke, Zeke, don't scare the boy,

don't scare the boy.

Honey, Zeke here is a big Teddy bear,

and you don't have to be scared,

aint that right, Zeke?

(Zeke growls)

- Well, that must be Cindy now coming down the stairs?

- Please God.

- Oh my God, look at my baby.

- [Zeke] Whoo!

- My beautiful girl.

Looks good enough to eat.

She gets that from her Aunt.

- Come here, girl, let me look at you.

Come on, spin around.

Goddamn!

Woo!

Now you got my card in case you need

to get in touch with me.

- Yeah, yes, sir, right here.

(foot stomps)

- Uncle Zeke.

- Come on.

- All right, be good have fun.

- Okay.

- You take care of our Cindy here, you hear?

- Oh yes, yes, sir.

- Not too good.

You gotta leave me some.

- Okay. - All right.

- All right.

- I'll walk you out.

- All this butt grabbing got me feeling kind

of a certain way.

Damn, them girls look like their grandma.

- Bye, bye, love birds.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

- Jesus, I thought we'd never get out of there.

- Yeah, sorry about that.

He wasn't supposed to be here today.

- You really think they believed that I'm in high school?

I mean.

- I told them you were a junior.

- Really? - Yeah.

Besides I told him you have a curfew,

and I'll be staying with some friends after homecoming.

- What friends?

- The ones at the hotel.

- You do look really great by the way.

- I know.

(car engine revs)

(upbeat music)

- Hey man, I really think we should upgrade

our video game system to something that's not 50 years old.

- I mean, we'll upgrade our video game system

when John upgrades his video game system.

- That's fair.

Yeah, yeah.

- I'm just gonna rack up these Ws,

'cause you haven't won in like ages,

like I'm really,

I'd rather play the computer at this point.

- This is why I hate playing

when you're wearing the victory shawl.

Let me just, I mean, you only Victors get

to wear the victory shawl loser.

- You're a loser.

- Your mom's a loser.

(upbeat music)

- Okay, thanks.

- Señor Dillard? Esteban? Estás tú?

Don't you think you're a little old

to be attending homecoming,

like maybe it's kinda inappropriate for you

to even be here.

- Well, it's no more inappropriate than the flask you keep

in your desk.

- Go have a good time, okay?

Yeah. (laughs)

Gracias.

- Yep, this is homecoming.

- I'll be right back.

(upbeat music)

- You know her?

- Yeah Cindy Pressman.

She's in my class.

- Yeah.

You want her don't you?

- Oh yeah, she's all right.

Yeah, well, it is never gonna happen,

so come on, don't worry, man.

You know what?

You keep your eye on those junior high girls, alright?

(upbeat music)

♪ Heads up I don't know what is brewing ♪

♪ Look out, you're gonna have to get out my way ♪

♪ I won't stop ♪

♪ I'm doing what I'm doing ♪

♪ I'm trying to be a hero ♪

♪ And it's time for me to go save the day ♪

- Shit, I gotta start taking notes.

Oh shit, 101.2, the bartender.

That was Adam Infantino with "Finding His Way."

Sorry about all that dead air I was well, whatever.

Up next to we got some Pus Buckets, some Shelly Wilkes,

and then Scrod for you,

so make sure to stick around,

but first caller to call in,

and tell me how to separate heavy molecules

from a phosphorus compound at room temperature

gets two tickets to Patrick Jaouen on the 17th,

so 101.2.

- [Man] 101.2, Rochester's, original (beep) station.

- God!

(mellow music)

- Well, I'm gonna go freshen up.

(mellow upbeat music)

- Well bed, it's just me and you.

You don't let me down,

maybe I'll wipe you off after.

Deal?

(mellow music)

- So what do you think?

- Lamb of God.

- Be gentle.

(mellow music continues)

(upbeat music)

- How was your test asshole?

- Don't ask.

How was the dance?

- Not so great.

- Don't tell me it didn't happen.

- No, it happened.

It's just that...

- It's just that what?

- All right, well, I didn't wanna fuck around

and cum too fast,

so I snuck off and jerked off in the bathroom three times

during the dance.

- (laughs) You did not.

- Yeah, yeah, I did.

- And then when it came time to assemble the troops,

we were out of ammo.

- So what did you do?

- I did what any good soldier would do,

I faked it.

- You faked it.

- Eight times. - Only eight?

- I ran out of condoms.

- So what, dude, you were faking it.

- Yeah, but I didn't wanna spoil the illusion.

- Well dude, Bravo, Mr. Copperfield.

- It's inhuman, man,

I can't live up to this chick's standards.

I mean, if I have to repeat a performance like that,

I'm gonna blow my colon out or worse.

- So you're coming to class today or what?

- Hell no, those chairs would kill me.

No.

When do you figure out about your test?

- Next week.

- I don't know if I made it though, man.

- No, I'm sure you did.

You and that science shit are like this, you know?

- I guess, yeah.

- Oh, oh, are you okay?

Come on. - Oh my God.

- [Steve Is it possible for your own sperm

to kick you in the nuts?

I didn't think that was.

- Dude, no friendly fire.

- Well, maybe don't get in my way.

- You shot me.

You fucking shot me.

- Yeah, I'm about to do it again.

- You miss more shots than a fucking Stormtrooper,

and you fucking shot me?

- Yeah, yeah, I did. - Bullshit!

- You're bullshit.

- Get wrecked.

- Fine.

(Bob laughs)

- I love you, man. - I love you too.

(both laughing)

- Hold on, hold on.

What if somebody comes?

- Somebody will.

- It's for the best.

- What do you want?

- I'm just leaving.

- I can't accept your exam sheet.

- But why?

- Because you were still filling in the bubbles

after I told everybody to put their pencils down,

I can't accept it.

- I busted my ass to finish.

All I was doing was filling out my name

on the other side of the sheet.

- Yeah, well, there are rules.

I'm sorry.

- Do you know who I am?

- No.

- Good.

- (laughs) Brilliant.

- Mr. Barden, I finished correcting your exam.

- You have?

- Yes, and I have to be honest,

I find it pretty surprising.

Well, I do you know some things about the periodic table.

- Apparently not, I mean, statistically speaking

you should have had at least one of those answers correct.

I mean, you really dinged the hell out of the bell curve.

You know Mr. Barden.

I noticed recently you've been kind of distracted.

I mean, are you going through something personal?

- Yeah, kind of.

I mean, I can make arrangements for you

to take the exam again.

- If I'm being honest I really don't think

it's gonna make too big of a difference,

but thank you.

- Look here, I'm gonna be honest with you.

I like you,

and frankly a lot.

I mean, would you like to get an A in this class?

- An A? - Yeah.

- What do I have to do for a C?

- Society will not allow a "Sissy" to-

You're late again, son.

Is that Professor Ding-a-ling-a-fing-a-dinger

keeping you after?

- Something like that.

- Where were you?

- I got my test back.

- Oh, nice, how'd you do?

- I got an A.

- Cool, man, I told you you got that chemistry down

to a science.

- Yeah, do you have any gum?

- Over the years it became- you have to make a sissy

which was a number-

- We have an ugly school.

(Cindy sniffles)

- Shit, Shit, shit! - What, what?

- Come on. - What?

Oh my God.

- Dude? - What?

- That's Cindy.

- Oh! - She's waiting for me.

- Are we gonna launch another offensive admiral.

- Dude, she can't get enough.

- Poor baby.

- No, I'm serious, man.

- All right, my pubes are going gray,

my back hurts,

I'm thirsty like all the time.

She's sucking the life out of me.

- Literally? - Yeah.

(John laughs)

- Look, if I'm not at your house in like two hours

you gotta text me, okay?

- Sure. - No, I'm serious, man.

All right?

You don't text me,

I might not make it.

I'm gonna need an excuse.

- Well, I mean, if you're gonna go out,

it's really not that bad of a way to do it.

- I don't know,

I feel like an old fashioned heart attack

might be a little bit easier.

- Maybe you'll get lucky.

- Maybe. - Ready?

- Yeah, let's go. - All right, come on.

(John laughs)

- John, this is Cindy.

Cindy, this is, John.

- Hi, I've heard so much about you.

- Really?

- No, I haven't actually,

but I'm gonna go, okay?

So you kids have fun, yeah.

- Hi, hi. - Hi.

(ambient guitar music)

♪ And I see your shadow ♪

♪ In the ways in which you tear me down ♪

♪ In the distant hours of the night ♪

- Let's go. - Yeah, yeah.

♪ And it breathes the life back into me ♪

♪ And I sit on the outskirts of this town ♪

♪ Just a wandering minstel ♪

♪ In a room full of clowns ♪

♪ I sat there waiting for you ♪

♪ But you bring me up just to bring me down ♪

♪ No ♪

- Water, God, I need water.

(upbeat music)

♪ The rain outside is so strong ♪

- We have to switch.

♪ The water washes the filth away ♪

That's not what I meant.

(video game music)

- Behold, I have emerged victorious.

Cindy, peed on me.

- Wait, what?

- She peed, I win.

- Who's Cindy?

- Steve's new girlfriend.

- How is that a good thing?

- (laughs) You see, she peed,

and then she stopped.

- Stopped peeing?

- Stopped having sex,

three weeks, two days, 16 hours later.

She's finally done. - Like for life?

- God, I hope so.

- You got fucking problems, man.

- I don't know,

it would take a lot for me to pee on a guy.

- Really, you should try it.

You might like it.

- This boy's a freak.

- It's no weirder than John's panty harvest.

- Panty what?

- Harvest.

You guys don't know about this?

John collects panties.

He used to take a pair from me every time we had sex.

He'd label it with the place, the time, and the date.

It was terrible.

I was spending a fortune on underwear.

- Sounds like a trophy collection.

- And that's exactly what it was.

- You know I still have it, right?

- Get out, you do not.

- Sure he does.

I just looked through it like two weeks ago.

- Where is it?

- It's in my closet.

- How many did you get?

- I don't even know, dude.

- 154. - No, shit.

- Yeah, man.

- Bro, you took 154 panties from that girl.

- Oh yeah, well, I mean she was buying in bulk

at the time, so.

- Oh my God.

I forgot how many of these there were.

- 154. - Man, I was a slut.

Nichole Richards, David Coffer's bedroom,

October 31st, 11:15pm.

I remember these.

- So do I.

- You know, I think we did it in your car more times

than we did it in an actual bed.

- I miss that car.

- Oh, I don't remember spots.

You son of a bitch.

- Look Nichole.

- Sarah Brand, Sarah Brand?

And right in the middle of our relationship,

you've fucked that fat bitch.

No, no, no, no I didn't.

Well, okay, yes, I did sleep with her,

but no, we weren't dating at the time.

It was one of those weekends that we'd broken up.

- And she did kinda look like you to be fair,

besides the whole fat thing,

but that's an honest mistake.

- Shut up! - Shut up!

- Brooke Peters, Anna Luther,

Tatiana Cruchev, the exchange student.

Jesus Christ, you are such an asshole!

- No, wait, no, no, no, no, no.

Okay, so you remember when you wanted to go look at schools,

so you dumped me so you could go check out campus,

and feel what it's like to be a single woman.

Oh, what was I supposed to do to just sit around,

and wait for you to come back,

get it out of your system. - Yes.

Why didn't you tell me when we got back together?

- Well, I knew it would piss you off.

- Well, congratulations.

- Nichole, Nichole, wait.

- You're not wearing pants.

- Oh, that kinda sucks.

You just got her back.

- Thank you Captain Bobvious, thank you.

Nichole?

Fuck!

- All right, I dare one of you to smell this.

- How much?

- Jesus, man!

Been out there knocking for half an hour,

why didn't you let me in?

- Oh shit!

- Oh, she is not gonna call you.

- Yes she is, she's just, she's just.

(phone rings)

Hello!

No, no, he doesn't live here.

- Wrong number?

- No.

Yeah, anyways, I gotta crash here for a few days.

I need sanctuary.

- From what?

- Little miss nympho.

She's a seminal vampire.

So is there any way you're gonna call miss underpants?

- No, I mean, what do I even say?

(Steve blows raspberries)

- You're asking me for advice on women?

You must be desperate.

- I'm not getting her back, am I, man?

- No

No, not by traditional means you're not.

You need to talk to somebody

who actually knows something about women,

and you need to get me a cheeseburger.

- Get it yourself.

- I can't, John,

I'm in sanctuary.

- My friends are assholes.

(bouncy music)

Well, we're coming up to the midnight hour,

the darkest hour.

The point in the night where you start to wonder,

if dawn will even come... Will it?

Probably not.

That was "Why Won't I Stop Crying" by Tweed Jacket,

and you know what?

I'm gonna play it again.

Anybody got any problem with that?

Didn't think so.

(Sam knocks)

Sam, my man.

You know anything about women?

- No.

- Good talk.

(video game music)

John, sorry the front door was wide open.

- Fucking Frank. - Where's Steve?

- I don't know.

- His fucking car is here.

- Oh, yeah, but I was gonna, oh, okay.

- Oh shit!

- Oops.

- Cindy, what the fuck are you doing here?

Have you met Betty?

- Can we go someplace private?

- I kind of had plans.

- I'm pregnant. - I get paid on Friday.

Look, I've actually given this quite a bit of thought.

- I just told you.

- It doesn't mean I haven't thought about it.

Contingencies, okay?

And I think it's best-

- I'm not keeping it.

- No, no, no, listen to me.

I think that we, what?

- What do I look like, an idiot?

I'm not having a kid,

let alone your kid at 18.

- What, why not?

- Steve, you're a loser.

I mean, look at you.

You're 25.

You work at a movie theater.

You spend all of your time bullshitting

with your stupid friends,

and knocking up underage employees.

You wouldn't make a good husband,

and you'd be a terrible father,

and I'm not gonna ruin my whole life

just to bring your child into the world.

- But okay, that's not a-

- No buts, I'm dumping you.

And I want your word,

your most serious pledge that you won't ever tell anyone

that I was pregnant.

- Hold on, hold on, that's not how this is supposed,

because I thought we-

- Look, Steve, you have a hot car.

You bought me beer.

Dating you made all my friends jealous,

but I'm getting out of high school soon,

and there are a lot of guys who have way more

to offer than you.

I want a man who can handle me as a woman,

not as a girl.

I'll see you around.

- But.

Okay, well you know what you're fired anyway, so.

I mean, do you believe that shit?

Anyway, where were we?

- Oh, fuck no.

- What're y--?

(suspenseful music)

- What are you doing?

- Son, is you peeping?

- What?

No, it's not like that at all.

- Look, Willie?

- No, it's John.

Dude, I'm in your class

- Right, John, you can't be peeping on folks

when they don't know about it.

It just ain't right.

- I know, okay, I'm sorry.

- Although if you're paid 'em for it,

that'd be all right. (chuckles)

Who are you peeping on anyway?

- Well it, my girlfriend and I got into a fight, so.

- Oh, yeah, girlfriends, that's tough you know,

I hear that it's a lot of trouble,

but you know that doesn't allow you to be peeping on folks

without them knowing about it,

especially here on the campus, okay?

- No, look, I know, okay, I'm sorry.

- Okay, good. - It won't happen again.

- I'll sees you back in class then.

- Yeah, so Mr. Robertson, can I ask you a question?

- You just did.

(chuckles) I was always here for my students.

What can I do you for?

- So I broke up with my girlfriend the other day.

Okay, look, I'm gonna be honest with you,

she broke up with me.

It's cause every time when we used to break up,

I would just go and sleep with like half of the high school,

that was like seven years ago though,

so I guess what I'm asking is

how do I get her back?

- She broke half a school up seven years ago.

- Dude. - That's incredible.

- No man, we broke,

dude, nevermind, man.

I'm just, I'll get outta here.

- All right, John, John, wait, hold up, hold up.

Listen, I know, forget the teeth.

I can't tell you how to get your girl back,

but I can tell you this,

life is full of crossroads,

you know, points that make you a sit up and take notice.

You got a lot of choices to make,

and sometimes you make the wrong ones,

and when that happens you gotta wake up, you know.

Re-evaluate what's going on.

Figure out what you're doing wrong,

and then get back on track.

You run yourself into the ground

you're gonna end up crazy and alone.

You hear me?

Good, all right, let me ask you this,

does she hate you?

Good.

Hate and love are the same.

It's apathy that you can't repair.

I mean, once that hits, it's like a brick wall, you know?

And then you're just left to face the rest

of your life with all the hope and glory behind you.

It'll make you bitter.

You still got time.

Use it wisely.

- Okay, okay.

- I got my own sociology project.

I'm working on.

I'll see you later, Gary. (laughs)

- What the fuck was that?

Oh my God (laughs)

Where is Steve?

(depressing Rock guitar)

- Jesus, what the hell happened here?

- Man, you guys stink.

When's the last time you showered?

- We're out of beer.

- Yeah, so it's the rest of Rochester from the look of it.

- I can see sober at the end of the horizon,

and I don't like it.

- Damn, these bitches fucked you boys all the way up.

- How much longer you guys think you're gonna be at this?

- I think we got enough sips and drops

for like two more hours.

- Well shit, we're not gonna be here that long.

- Where are you going?

(upbeat music)

- We have a book tour.

- A what?

- Yeah, we've been working

with professor Robertson all semester.

- Sorry, we couldn't tell ya.

- What you wrote a book?

- Yeah.

What you think we just spend all our time here? (laughs)

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Well, we have this idea

that most people were basically sheep.

You put them in the room with an authority figure,

and they'll follow along no matter how outrageous,

or ridiculous that person is.

- So we took that idea to professor Robertson,

and he suggested a grand social experiment

with his sociology 101 class, your class,

and thus crazy professor Robertson was born.

- Hey, we brought you guys a gift.

- Yeah, and why do you think we're here?

Ta-dah, and it's signed.

Come on guys, don't be too hard on yourselves.

You're the only ones who saw through the experiment.

Turns out being huge assholes

helps you see through bullshit.

- Well, we gotta jet.

We'll see in like four months.

You guys still be right here yeah?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Yeah. (laughs)

- Later.

- Guys do us a favor get off your asses

and get something done, all right?

(Frank and Bob laughing)

(upbeat music)

(John knocks)

- Hi.

- Go away, I'm not coming out.

- Why?

- Okay, I'm not leaving though.

I have another plan,

and I don't think you're gonna like it.

- [Nichole] Go away!

- Okay, I warned you.

♪ We wishes precious moments ♪

♪ away ♪

♪ Believer ♪

Yeah.

Yeah!

(car honks)

♪ I couldn't give you the ocean ♪

♪ And I couldn't take it away ♪

- All right, say your peace then go.

- Okay, look, Nichole I'm sorry, okay.

I can't change the past,

but I can change this path that I'm on now.

I mean, I need you.

I don't wanna lose you again.

I mean, especially not like this.

I mean, this is ridiculous,

I mean, how many guys did you sleep with,

that I never give you shit about any of them?

- Those weren't guys you knew.

- What difference does it make if I know them or not?

- John, those girls

when we got back together they knew that I didn't know.

I must've been a laughing stock.

- Oh my God, nobody cared.

Nichole, nobody gave a shit!.

- Hey, put your fucking boyfriend,

and his little fucking sausage away.

- He's not my boyfriend. - What?

- Oh, okay, great, I don't fucking care,

and nobody wants to see his 'lil yogurt slinger out here.

Put it the fuck away!

- This is dumb, all right?

You have to take me back.

- Take you back?

- Yeah.

- I'm not even talking to you.

- We're talking right now. - No, we're not.

John, relationships are about sacrifice not apology.

Don't you understand that?

- You don't think I know about sacrifice.

Are you fucking kidding me?

- I sucked a fucking dick for you.

- What?

- Bitching to me about a fucking sacrifices,

are you kidding?

Complaining about getting laughed at in high school.

What about Nigel's wife?

Do you even think about that,

how's that any different?

I mean, do you even believe half the shit you even say?

What am I doing here?

- Great fucking question, I got an idea,

wrap your fucking cheese log up

before you squeeze it onto a cracker,

Get outta here.

- Okay, you know what?

This is it.

I really don't care anymore.

Live your life.

Have your affairs.

I can't keep up with this anymore, okay.

You've been fucking me up for eight years, eight years.

I just gotta get myself back on track.

- No, wait, John, wait.

♪ Who are you now? ♪

(upbeat music)

- You're sure about this?

- Yeah. - Good.

Welcome back to the land of the living.

- (laughs) No kidding.

- So how do you think we did?

- What in class?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, I think we got to a B in Robertson's,

'cause of the extra credit,

and then I got my A in chem, so that's...

- Shit! - What?

- That puts you pretty close to graduating, doesn't it?

- (chuckles) That kinda does.

You think we should?

- What graduate? - Yeah.

- All right, fuck it, why not?

And then what?

- I dunno, man.

Something, we gotta do something, right?

- Yeah.

How are you doing?

- Just give me a sec one more sec and I got it.

Oh, oh, dude. (laughs)

- Two minutes and three seconds,

what's the record for the hot tub.

- Steve my man, we just set it.

- Holy shit. - That's right.

- Oh my God.

- How do we not have girlfriends yet?

Years and years of trying this out.

♪ There you go again ♪

♪ Doing the bare minimum ♪

♪ On a scale of one to 10 ♪

♪ You don't even make it to one ♪

♪ You're complacent with taking anything that you can get ♪

♪ You're so lazy on the daily ♪

♪ Never put the effort in ♪

♪ And it's pretty clear that you ain't looking to change ♪

♪ Like a catfish swimming way below the surface ♪

♪ Livin' off of what falls in too deep ♪

♪ Never try to rise up ♪

♪ 'Cause it'll be a burden ♪

♪ You know what you are ♪

♪ You're just a bottom feeder ♪

♪ You're just a bottom feeder ♪

♪ You've always gotten by ♪

(ambient orchestra music)

(upbeat music)

(ambient piano music)

(upbeat music)

(people laughing)

(people shushing)

(upbeat music)