Original subtitles

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(SONG: "PRIMMAVERA" BY FRANCO RICCIARDI)

(Giorgia) I already booked the theater tickets for Friday night, just go pick them up.

On Saturday we are at Elena and Luigi's. On Sunday at my parents' for lunch.

- (Giulio) You got everything planned. - Mom asked to bring a pastiera.

But not Gigliacci's, he uses too much orange blossom and it tastes like soap.

- Get it at Poppella's, it was good last time. - At Poppella's, alright.

At 6 pm we have our premarital course, so don't be late.

If Father Carmine gets angry he won't marry us.

Father Carmine is always angry. What happened to the virtue of charity?

I have to go to the accounting office. See you later, you dummy.

- Bye. - Giulio!

I saw you going by with Giorgia, I even called you, didn't you hear me?

- No. - Want some?

It's with cream and black cherries, it's good, I already had one earlier.

- You have cappuccino on your jacket. - No, it's pigeon poop.

I could never figure out how these guys can drop white poop on dark jackets...

..and dark poop on white jackets.

- Good morning, Teresa. Nice skirt. - (Teresa) Fuck you, Jovine.

Tonight we can watch the Champions at my place with Esposito and Giacomelli.

- Giulio, Alfonso wants to see you. - Now? - Yeah.

- Are you coming? - No, I have my premarital course.

I told you so many times not to stare at me like that.

You look good, did you change your hairstyle?

Your hair dye?

Hairdo?

Shampoo?

- Ah no, the conditioner! - Yeah, the conditioner.

You see? I told you there was something different.

(Alfonso) So, we'll start with the article on the Enel buy-back plan.

- There's a press conference in Milan. - Tonight? In Milan?

I have my premarital course in the afternoon.

They still do these things? How can a priest know what marriage is?

What do they know? Did they ever marry? No. So...

What counts the most is that I booked your flight so you can be at the press conference...

..and then later on...

You'll have the whole evening to yourself.

Trust me, business trips are a sure-fire remedy, the salvation for marriage.

Otherwise you'll see Giorgia in the morning, you'll see her at home,...

..you'll see her at work, it will be a real drag.

Come closer.

So, do you want the blue pill?

- Or the blue pill? - No... - Why not? Come on!

We can be sure you will uphold the good name of Naples in Milan.

I got these from my urologist.

He said: "Alfonso, with these you'll fuck for at least four and a half consecutive hours."

I told him: "That's only ten minutes more than I already last."

- Enjoy it. - No, no, that's ok.

- It's on me, did I ask you anything? - No. - Then, come on, give me a kiss.

- What? - Give me a little kiss.

- You were really going to kiss me? - Oh, you were joking. - Of course.

Are you going or what? Come on.

- (Giorgia) I'll pack the blue shirt, the gray one doesn't fit right. - (Giulio) Okay.

(GIORGIA SIGHS)

Didn't you promise me you were going to get rid of these stupid things?

It's for the plane, it makes me stressful.

What do you need it for? Why should you stress yourself out, sweetie? Get rid of it.

Okay, you're right.

(TRAFFIC SOUNDS AND HORNS HONKING)

- Listen, isn't there an alternative route? - There's a rally today, everything is blocked.

- I have a plane to catch. - And I want to win the lottery.

You don't understand, I'm a reporter, I have an important conference in Milan.

Do you know what's nice about traffic? That you can find peace in it.

I for one, I got organized.

When the situation gets critical,...

..I come here, in the coolness of the palm trees, a little sea breeze,...

..a nice drink in my hand, see?

(THE TAXI DRIVER SIGHS AND A HORN HONKS)

- (Man) Hey, get moving! - (Taxi driver) Only there's always someone disturbing.

So I have to put down my drink, say goodbye to the palms...

(THE MAN SPEAKS NEAPOLITAN)

And go back to Naples.

Mister, bear with me.

(Driver) You damn bastard!

Why don't you go honk in the ears of your ugly sister?

Giorgia!

I'm back.

Are you in the bathroom?

I missed my plane. It's unbelievable.

There was an anarchists rally, it's unheard of.

They organized the rally and everyone arrived on time.

I mean, you're anarchists, you could have been 15 mins late, right?

(WATER RUNNING)

Giorgia, did you hear me?

Oh my God, Giulio, what are you doing here?

I told you, I missed my plane, there was a rally.

Oh!

- Alfonso! - Giulio, don't jump to conclusions.

(Giorgia) No!

Oh my goodness.

See that?

Enzo, come on, hurry up!

It's funny though, uh?

- What? - The way you found out about them.

When everyone finds out about betrayals on Facebook, iPhones, social networks,...

..you found out in this old-fashioned way, we could say analog,...

..it's almost a vintage betrayal, so 70's.

- Be careful not to scratch it when you load it. - (Man) Don't worry, ma'am.

Hey, what are you doing? Are you taking the couch as well?

- Let's not make things more difficult. - More difficult than this?

In one shot I lost my girlfriend and my job.

Your job? No, that was your choice. You're the one who quit, remember?

- Giorgia, can't we talk about it? - We already have.

I made a mistake, ok? But it's also your fault. If you don't realize that, it's bad.

- Really bad. - Then tell me, make me understand. I mean... You're leaving. Give me an explanation.

Giulio, why don't you play with those coloured cubes anymore?

- Gosh, you told me not to. - Exactly. I told you.

Like I told you where we should go on vacation, what to do on Saturday night,...

..and what colour we should paint our bedroom walls.

So? What's wrong with that?

Being happy is not only our right, it is our duty.

You know the Americans wrote it in their Declaration of Independence?

What? To screw your boss?

You know what? I made a mistake but I don't regret it at all.

That's the whole problem, Giorgia, because you should regret it...

..and I'm supposed to forgive you, because that's how it works.

- No, listen, are you carrying that by yourself? - (Man) Make room for this.

(DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING)

Are you still like this?

(ERNESTO SIGHS)

- Don't you knock at the door anymore? - I bought you groceries.

I got you some fresh fruit, some celery as a mood enhancer, and your mail.

- Don't you ever collect it? Look at that. - I'm not interested.

- But it's open. - (Ernesto) Oh yeah? Maybe I opened it.

- What do you mean maybe? Did you open it or not? - Yeah, I did.

- Why did open my mail? - You said you're not interested.

I just said I wasn't interested, but you had already opened it.

Anyway, nothing worth it, Giulio, outstanding condo fees notice,...

..two tickets and the rest is from newspapers that can't hire you.

You're overqualified, or so they say.

And you shouldn't have quit your job.

Why don't you call Alfonso? He might hire you back.

- The way things turned out... - Why? How did they turn out?

He and Giorgia are a couple now.

What do you mean they're a couple? Are you sure?

The other day she locked herself in his office for 30 minutes.

(ERNESTO MAKES A RHYTHMIC SOUND)

- What's that? - The Xerox machine. - So? They were making copies.

For 30 minutes? They turned on the machine to cover something.

- Like what? - What do you think? Sighs of passion, moans of pleasure, gasps of climax.

Stop it, Ernesto, stop it, please, that's enough!

Let's get out of here.

I did it.

(DISCO MUSIC)

(Ernesto) Being single also has its positive aspects, see Giulio,...

..the world is full of possibilities, or pretty and friendly girls.

- Hi, I'm Ernesto, can we get acquainted? - Get lost. - See?

It's a matter of statistics, if one says no, ten others will say yes.

That one, for example, you see her? She's perfect and she's also on her own.

Go, give it a try.

(SONG: "STANOTT" BY ERIS GACHA)

- Are you sure she's alone? - (Ernesto) Yeah, look. Even if she had a boyfriend...

Giorgia also had one, but Alfonso did not seem to worry about that, didn't he?

- You're right. - Go for it, Giulio. Badass Giulio, go for it.

Hi. I'm sorry, haven't I seen you somewhere?

- No, I don't think so. - Sorry, I thought...

Anyway, nice to meet you, I'm Giulio.

- I'm an economics journalist. - How nice, a journalist.

- I'm Valeria. - Hi, nice meeting you.

I'm here with a friend.

- So you wanted to know me. - Yeah. I mean, no.

No? You didn't want to know me?

Yeah, I wanted to know you.

- How come? - My God...

You're so beautiful you stick out.

Ok, let's try to highlight right away all the mistakes you made.

- Guys! - Guys, she called us. - So...

One, you waited almost a minute before deciding to come and talk to me.

- You didn't follow the three seconds rule, did he, guys? - True, it's true.

- From the moment you see a girl and your approach, don't wait over three seconds. - Yes!

- Two, did you say you're a reporter? - Of economics.

- Is it a job interview or an approach? - (Giuseppe) She's right, you're boring.

(Valeria) Three, you said: "You're beautiful, you stick out."

- "Stick out"? - What's this "stick out"?

It's an impersonal, trivial, mediocre line, a loser's line.

(Carmine) He really sucked.

(MEN LAUGHING)

Guys, this is what you shouldn't do when you try to pick up a girl.

(Valeria) Now let's go to another club, we're done here. Thank you.

(Fabrizio) Stick out...

- No offense, though. - You screwed up big time.

(Man) Maybe next time.

(SONG: "CHI VUOLE ESSERE MILIONARIO?" BY CLEMENTINO AND FABRI FIBRA)

- Who are they? - Beats me.

(SONG: "CHI VUOLE ESSERE MILIONARIO?" BY CLEMENTINO AND FABRI FIBRA)

(Enrico) Graduated magna cum laude,...

..master's degree abroad, double specialization.

Damn, kiddo, so many qualities.

It's feasible. And you worked at Mezzogiorno d'Italia.

- Yes, editor of the economics page. - Wow.

And you left just like that. On your own accord.

- They didn't fire you. - No.

I'm surprised because you had a nice position and for a journalist it's not easy.

You're no spring chicken, but you look good, what do you think?

- A very nice skin quality. - He doesn't even have a line, nothing.

Tell me the truth, you had something done? Come on, don't say no.

- A botox injection, a facelift, a microdermabrasion, maybe. - No.

- No, no... - Maybe a chemical peel.

- You can't dodge Fabiano, you can't. - No, no.

Alright, you did nothing, never mind, alright.

- Listen, Giulio. Can I call you Giulio? - Yeah.

Giulio, I founded this online magazine fifteen years ago...

..and I don't mean to exaggerate... but we really smashed.

(Enrico) Fabiano, show him.

Half a million online contacts.

When I talked about online magazines 20 years ago they thought I was crazy,...

..I told them: "Guys, in 20 years the print media will be dead."

"They will all be on cell phones." But, no, they wouldn't listen.

Anyway, having a guy with this résumé adds to my prestige, I need it.

- But I don't think your magazine is about economics. - No.

You're going to make me frown, what do you mean it's not about economics?

So you think male cosmetic surgery is not economics?

Cars, fashion, travels for singles are not economics?

We also do investigative journalism here. Fabiano?

Female myths: are Snow White's Prince Charming...

..and Cinderella's Prince Charming the same person?

Do you have the answer? It's driving Fabiano crazy isn't it?

You knucklehead, it makes you think.

And we also deal with science, Fabiano?

Japanese techno-fashion, look at what they came up with.

Well, they invented the technological jacket...

..to eliminate the dandruff problem.

- And how do they do? - How? The jacket is white.

You just can't see it. Is it ingenious or what?

Actually, Giulio Manfredi, you happened to be...

..in the right place at the right time.

Listen to me, don't miss this opportunity, sign here.

More than a penis lengthening,...

..my technique achieves a thickening of the sex organ.

I take fatty tissue from the thighs, from the buttocks...

..where it is abundant, and I inject it into the penis.

I like to call myself the Robin Hood of fat.

I steal from the rich to give to the poor.

And that's the result.

Before...

..and after.

What I invented, if I may say so myself, can be defined a super-resistant gel.

Look here, look. It's a stiffener.

With my super-resistant gel the hair breaks but does not bend.

It also prevents hair loss.

- It fortifies the hair? - No, it glues it to the head.

I made a patchwork-style dress using only rags to mop the floor.

This way I convey the image of a modern man, committed to his work,...

..but also active in household chores.

A man who is not afraid of his female side, almost a hymn to gender equality.

What's the name of your collection?

"RAGGEDY MAN".

In capitals.

- Excuse me, number 30. - Are you looking for Genna the Louse?

No, I'm looking for the University of Pick Up.

You're Peppe Big Head.

- No, I'm a journalist. - You're Tonino no Underpants.

(Giuseppe) I'll tell you where it is. You decided to enrol, you did the right thing.

Well, I don't mean to offend you but you were pathetic the other night.

- Hi, I'm Giuseppe Marrone. - Giulio Manfredi.

- Come, the university is this way. Bye. - He's just alike.

I separated after 20 years of marriage.

My wife was a Scorpio, hot, sexy, passionate, basically a real slut.

But it is not easy to get back into the game after a separation.

- Nowadays everything has changed with these damn phones, are you on Tinder? - No.

Come along.

(Giuseppe) I'm on everything, Tinder, Meetic, Badoo, I'm also taking salsa classes.

I even got myself a dog. Don't you know?

A dog is essential for picking up. Watch your head.

Then I found this place on the internet and I enrolled.

Let me introduce you to the other guys. Watch your head!

Guys, he's Giulio. Those who were with us the other night will remember him.

- Of course I remember him making a fool of himself. - Oh, come on.

- Don't worry, we're all here to learn. - He made me sign up on Tinder.

- Fabri, you have to get him a chart. - A profile? Two small photos will suffice.

(Carmine) And what about a tax stamp? He's not applying to get a passport!

- No, I don't need it, really. - Here she comes. - Come over here.

Come on, have a seat.

SURVIVING

Surviving. We are on earth for a specific purpose.

Surviving and reproducing ourselves.

That's what we were designed for.

That's why sex is so enjoyable. (MEN LAUGHING)

(Valeria) If it weren't, no one would have it anymore and we would die out.

You with the big glasses.

What is the first thing you look at in a woman?

- The eyes. - (Carmine) Don't lie! - Why are you laughing? - Don't lie, bro!

(Valeria) So let's say you look her in the eye to make sure she's not looking at you,...

..so then you can feel free to look at her tits.

- No, no... - Gotcha. - No. - What's your name?

- Fabrizio. - Fabrizio, don't worry. It's normal.

- Oh yeah? - Nice breasts, wide hips, a nice firm ass.

These are signs of fertility and your instincts seek youth and fertility...

..because you are programmed to reproduce.

You see, our brain simply responds to genetic stimuli...

..because we are still what we have been for millions of years: primitive men.

- Primitive men. - Ssh...

What about women?

What do women look for instead? What stimulates their attraction?

- A nice car. - Shut up.

- Could be. - You see? - Really?

A nice car is a sign of wealth and therefore of social value.

Women look for the pack leader, someone who will protect her offspring.

(Carmine) Sure. See?

You with the tie.

- You, she's talking to you. - Uh?

- Don't you agree? - No, it's not that I don't agree. I'm...

- Wait, wait, wait... You're the loser from the other night. - It's him, it's him.

- I took him here, I did. - The guy who looked like a fool.

- You decided to sign up? Good move. - No, I'm here as an auditor.

I have to do a piece, I think the magazine staff notified you, right?

You guys, he's our Macho Man. We have a Macho Man!

- You're Macho Man, right? - Actually, I'm Giulio. Giulio Manfredi.

Alright, you're Giulio from Macho Man.

Listen Giulio, how are you doing with women?

- Except for the other night, I mean. - Well. - How so?

I mean, how long has it been... since you practiced?

(CARMINE SPEAKS NEAPOLITAN)

- Do you still remember? - (Valeria) Look, I'll help you.

Let's try to quantify it in euros, how much did you pay last time?

No, we still had liras! I'll be darned!

Alright, look, find yourself another laughing stock.

- We're joking. - And I'm working.

(Valeria) Sit down, sit down, we were only joking.

Giulio, Giulio, Giulio...

- What attracted you the other night? - Not really attracted...

You mean to deny that you were attracted to me?

No...

It's normal, Giulio. You're a male.

And males look for young and fertile women, but let's be clear, uh?

Males and females have totally different strategies.

(Giulio) Males produce millions of sperm therefore they aim for quantity.

While women produce only one fertile egg every 28 days.

- How many? - One egg. - Is it the grocery list?

This is why they must carefully choose who to donate their eggs to.

Bullshit...

(SONG: "STAI MAI 'CCA" BY 24 GRANA)

- Hello, youngsters. - Hi, Valeria. - Hello.

- Dad, give me the keys so I can start cooking. - Wait wait.

- What is it? - The moment is crucial, wait.

What has he got?

- Go. - What am I supposed to do? I can't...

- Alright, 5 and 3, eight. - Scopa! That's my girl!

- Good luck is here, there's nothing doing. - Give me the keys, come on.

Be good, ok? Be good!

Valeria! Valeria!

- Did you see who's there? Annamaria. - (Valeria) Oh!

I did exactly as you told me.

We went out together and at one point she gave me a kiss.

- You know what I'll do now? I'll buy her flowers. - No!

- Why not? - No, she must keep doubting.

- Wait, my intentions are good. - I know, Vincenzo, and I'm glad.

But we can't let her know right away or she'll get scared, you understand?

Listen to me, never mind for now. And what did I tell you about flowers?

- It's just so ordinary, obvious, trivial. - Yeah, you're right, you told me that. I forgot.

Only losers give away flowers.

- Mrs. Adele, my deepest sympathy. - Giulio.

- I came as soon as I heard. - Come on in, come in.

- Come on in. - Thank you.

- It was nice of you to come, thanks. - Don't even mention it.

Aunt Teresa was a legend. I'm truly sorry.

So, how's it going?

- Are you referring to Alfonso? - No. I meant in general.

- (Aunt) Bye, Giorgia. We're leaving. - Yeah, bye.

I'm Giorgia's mom's cousin.

(Aunt) Well, have you set the date of the wedding?

- In October. - (Man) October? Good. - (Aunt) That's good. - (Man) Well done.

- We have to go now. - We're leaving, bye.

- What? - I haven't told my relatives yet, it didn't seem appropriate right now.

- So? Are you happy? - In general?

No, I mean with Alfonso. Are you happy?

Look, Giulio, what I did to you was wrong.

I should have told you about him much earlier.

What do you mean, Giorgia? How long has it been going on?

- (Tina) Bye, Giorgia. I'm leaving. We'll talk later. - Yes, bye, Tina.

- Is he your fiancé? - Yeah.

Where is the wedding party going to be? Can you tell us?

- At the tennis club. - Is that right? Nice. I have to go.

- (Giorgia) Bye, Tina. - Bye. See you.

So how long has this been going on, Giorgia?

- What's that? - With Alfonso, Giorgia!

"I should have told you much earlier." How long has it been going on?

- What does it matter now? - It does. It matters to me.

- Bye, Giorgia, I'm leaving too. But he's... - Yes, her fiancé.

We'll get married in October at the tennis club, don't worry,...

..we'll send you the announcement, alright?

- Are you nuts? - So, how long has this been going on?

- A year. Alright? One year. - I knew it, a year!

I'm sorry, Giulio.

Well, did you move in with him now?

- With whom? - With Alfonso, who are we talking about?

I understand your aunt Teresa died, but stay alert. Pay attention, come on.

I'm sorry... no, we don't live together. I don't want a strong commitment.

- Is that right? - Yeah, I'd rather be cautious.

You know, it's funny to live by myself again.

But I found a very nice house. I'm fixing it these days.

Remember when we set up our house?

- All those afternoons choosing furniture. - You chose almost everything.

You also took them with you when you left.

When there was something to assemble you always took care of it.

Always. I really like that. The drill, the Allen keys.

I used to play with Meccano as a child...

- Would you come and fix the shelves? - Uh?

No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, it's just that...

Since you like it I thought maybe... but if you don't want to...

- Are you kidding? I'll do it, sure. - No.

- I'll do it, how about tonight? - Uh? - Tonight.

- No... Who knows how long this will last. - Tomorrow then.

- (Adele) Giorgia! Can you come over here? - Coming!

No, Giulio, I'll give you a call, ok?

Thanks for coming. It was very nice of you.

Giulio Manfredi.

Yesterday we published your article about picking up girls.

Oh.

- And...? - Huh-uh.

It was a smash!

(Fabiano) Good job, Giulio! Way to go!

- Good job! - (Enrico) You're great!

We were literally overwhelmed with online messages.

Just think, the server crashed at 11 am.

(Enrico) Therefore I decided to let you run...

..a regular column about picking up.

- No, thanks, really, but I... - I like you, Giulio, but shut up.

(Enrico) I already know what objections you'll raise.

You know nothing about this, you know nothing about picking up,...

..don't worry you wimp, I have the solution.

You won't be alone in this new adventure, you'll have a new partner.

Valeria.

Hey.

I'm glad to know you're a journalist after all.

Otherwise I don't think I'd have done a good job with you.

You know what? This is just bullshit for poor idiots with serious problems.

Funny, here you state, and I quote verbatim:...

.."Pick up rules are now a science."

"This is not my opinion, but a fact."

Of course, I'm a professional. When I do something I do it well.

I had to write an article about that nonsense and I did it.

But the other night when you tried to pick me up, you seemed pretty anxious.

Look, the only anxiety I have is about the bills every month.

I'm an economics journalist and if you see me here it's only because I need money.

And apparently so do you. Please let's do this bullshit together and that's it.

What we're doing here is not a game.

Follow my method and you will learn to win over any girl in seven hours.

Chequered shirt, we're not at school, you don't have to raise your hand.

(Fabrizio) I'm sorry, I don't understand this seven hours stuff.

I mean, if I go out with a girl at 10 pm do I have to stay with her until 5 am?

- Not at all. - You don't get it. - Did you understand?

They don't necessarily have to be consecutive.

These seven hours can also be divided into multiple dates.

- Ok, I didn't understand. - These are basics. - I apologize.

Let's run an experiment. Are you up to it?

Let's start from the beginning. The approach.

You need an excuse to break the ice.

- Do I really have to be the girl? - Blonde hair becomes you.

- (Man) It actually does. - Not true.

Well, Giuseppe, what can you say to a stranger in a bar,...

..without falling into macho man lines, like...

.."Excuse me, haven't I met you somewhere before?"

(MEN LAUGHING)

- (Carmine) This was you! How clumsy! - In front of you there's a girl that you like.

- Could it be Diletta? - (Man) Who? - (Valeria) I didn't get it. - Diletta Leotta.

She's the best for me. I have to confess that I'm here for her.

- Diletta Leotta is waiting for you. - When I'll meet her you'll see.

- Alright, let's pretend she's Diletta Leotta. - Diletta Leotta.

- You meet her in a bar. She's having a beer. - A juice.

- Why? - Because beer causes cellulites.

Diletta Leotta is a Leo and to Leo women watch their diet.

- Alright, she's having a juice. - (Giuseppe) A juice.

Diletta Leotta in a bar having a juice, what do you say to her?

- Where do we set it, in Sicily or in Milan? - What's the difference?

Because she's Sicilian but she moved to Milan.

- Who cares? We're pretending, Giuseppe. - Alright, alright.

I wanted to identify with the character, can't I decide for myself?

- I choose Sicily because it's too cold in Milan. - Go.

Well... Diletta Leotta, juice, bar...

- Diletta, o my Diletta. - My gosh, I'm shocked.

- You're so beautiful. - Keep your hands off.

- (Carmine) Let me go! Let go! - (Giuseppe) Wait! Wait!

- You're a real maniac! - You can't resist me!

- (Photographer) Look at me, look at me. It's a wrap. - She really looks like a model.

- Perfect, thanks. - Thank you. - It's your turn, Giulio, come on. - (Assistant) Go.

How do you do, I'm Ernesto, a colleague of Giulio's.

- Oh, hi. - Photojournalist.

Giulio told me wonders about the course.

- Oh yeah? - Yeah. He told me that...

Listen, if I wanted to enroll, not that I need it because, you see,...

..even if I'm not handsome I have my niche where I'm going strong.

I mean, just out of curiosity, would you still have a spot?

- Of course. - And you think I could improve?

Roughly speaking, what could I change?

- Roughly speaking? - Yeah.

- Well, maybe your look, your hair and the way you dress. - Ah.

- And maybe get back in shape. - I've been eating a lot lately...

- And revise the tone of your voice. - My voice? What do you mean?

Your posture. Also, obviously, the things you say...

And how you say it.

Basically, only my camera was saved.

Still working?

I could almost assume that you care about what you're writing.

What is it? Sarcasm was on sale at the supermarket today?

Ha! This is the picture that people liked the most.

- They say we look good together. - Because they didn't see us separately.

Hmm...

You're not writing. You're on social media.

Do you mind? This is personal. Please.

It's your ex.

- I know everything, rumours circulate in the newsroom. - My gosh.

Well? Did you see her again?

I don't know, maybe she implied that there's a possibility.

Giulio, I know you dislike me but try trusting me...

Come on, what did she say?

She implied there's a possibility.

Ok, and how did she suggest that?

She asked me to help her put up some shelves.

So you rightly thought that she found an excuse to see you again.

Sure, she could have asked somebody else, couldn't she?

Giulio, it's not that hard.

- Turn off the audio. - What do you mean?

Judge people by their actions.

Turn the audio off. What they say is only meant to confuse you.

- Hmm. - Come on, how long has it been since you split up?

- Four months more or less. - Did she ever contact you since?

- No, but... - But what? She called? Sent emails?

Text messages, WhatsApp, has she clogged your mailbox?

- No, what's that got to do with it? - What do you mean?

It's Giorgia, she replied, she's chatting.

"At home alone, already in pajamas and in bed."

- No! - No, what? - Don't, don't answer. - Why not?

- It's a doormat test. - A what? - A doormat test.

It's meant to find out if she still has some control over you.

Stop with these para-scientific nonsense.

- "Para-scientific"? - Yeah. So...

"I'll be there in an hour. We'll put up the shelves."

"The doormat test." How do you come up with such terms?

(TEXT SOUND)

"I'm too tired tonight, I'm getting up early in the morning. Some other time."

It was a doormat test.

I told you so. Women do that all the time. It's an instinct, you see?

- We've been doing it since we were primitive men. - This thing about primitive men is a nightmare!

- Let me write. - No. - Give me that. - No, please, don't.

(Valeria) Trust me. "Hectic week. Don't hurt yourself with the Allen key, kiddo."

- (Giulio) Kiddo? I don't talk like that, please, don't send it! - Look.

- (Valeria) "Kiddo?!? I like that!" - (Giulio) She likes it?

How can she like it? What are these symbols you're adding?

- Just like that. - What do they mean? - Nothing.

- Nothing? - Seduction. - So?

It's not like everything we say must necessarily have a meaning.

Some things are only meant to generate a little curiosity.

- It's the 3 "Ms". - The 3 "Ms"? - The basis of all seduction.

The 3 "Ms": Magic, Marvel, Mystery.

You're telling me that all these things you wrote make no sense.

- No. - Come on, please, I'm begging you...

That's enough, what are you writing now?

(Giulio) "What does it mean?" "Find out... Good night."

(TEXT SOUND)

(Giulio) "That's unfair, I'm dying of curiosity."

- Alright then, die! - No, wait, what do you mean "die"? Wait.

Giulio, regaining an ex is the hardest thing in the world.

If someone took her away it's because in her eyes he was more valuable than you,...

..so if you really care about this girl, bare your claws.

Bye.

Valeria!

Look, I don't know if these things you say are true or not, but I want her back,...

..and if to be with her I must follow your rules, I will.

If this is your way to apologize, it sucks. Bye.

No, wait, Valeria! Wait...

Alright then...

- I apologize. - You scratched your nose.

- So? - You're lying. Body Language.

You'll have to get to know certain things if you really want to learn to pick up.

No, Valeria!

(VALERIA GIGGLES AND GIULIO SIGHS)

Ok, alright.

It's true, what you say, what you teach, the rules, it's all true. It works.

Am I credible now?

No.

But we'll work on it. The transformation begins tomorrow.

- See you at 7. - What? Do you mean at 7 am?

(SONG: "TOOP TOOP" BY CASSIUS)

(Valeria) The first thing a girl will look at is your social media profile.

- You have to show an interesting life. - What if we don't have one?

Initially, do as everybody else does: invent it.

(SONG: "TOOP TOOP" BY CASSIUS)

(Man) Hey, what the hell are doing to my car?

(SONG: "TOOP TOOP" BY CASSIUS)

(Valeria) Smile.

A smile costs less than electric power but gives you much more light.

SMILE

(SONG: "TOOP TOOP" BY CASSIUS)

(INAUDIBLE WORDS)

(SONG: "TOOP TOOP" BY CASSIUS)

(Valeria) Seduction is a topic where theory doesn't matter much.

All you have to do is practice. Every day.

- How did it go with the smile? - I got a phone number.

- I was sued. - The first time I did it I felt a punch in the stomach.

- That's normal, it's the thrill. - I felt just like a punch in the eye.

- And what was it? - A punch in the eye.

(Valeria) You have to learn to measure your approaches, though.

- Well, today we'll try a new tool: the sharp stinger. - Cool!

- You don't even know what it is. - No, but...

The sharp stinger is a deliberate comment...

..meant to lower the self-esteem of your target.

It's an innocent insult meant to lower her confidence, that's all.

You could say: "Honey, you have some parsley between your teeth."

- I got it, to make her uncomfortable. - Exactly.

(Carmine) Is parsley what we call "petrosino"?

- Ernesto. - Uh? - Listen to me.

- See those three girls? - Yeah.

The one on the right with a jeans skirt and a pink top.

- That's your target. - Ok.

- You have to get near her with an approach story. - Like what?

You have to get your sister a present and you need a female opinion.

A present to my sister, female opinion.

But remember, speak only to those on the left. Totally ignore the one with the pink top.

- But isn't she my target? - Exactly. She'll feel put aside and will try to intervene.

- So you'll give her the sharp stinger. - The sharp stinger. - Ready?

- I was born ready but you keep underestimating me. - Go!

(Men) - Stand up for our city. - Be our pride. - You can do it.

Don't put me under pressure though, calm down.

Hi girls, I have to get my sister a present...

Hi girls, I have to get my sister a present and I need a female opinion.

- (Ernesto) What do you think I should get her? - It depends on what your sister is like.

What the hell do you want? You even got parsley in your teeth, bitch!

(SOUNDS OF PAIN)

(Girl) You idiot!

(ERNESTO GASPS FOR BREATH)

- (Giulio) He's not breathing, guys... - Go help him.

(OVERLAPPING VOICES)

(Giulio) Changing your habits requires will and effort.

But even the longest journey always starts with a small step.

So get started, do it now, change what needs to be changed first,...

..then what is possible and suddenly without even realizing it...

..you will surprise yourself doing what's impossible.

I need a female opinion. Do you add cream to the carbonara?

What happened? Your girlfriend left you?

Yeah, they all do. They can't stand my job.

- Why? What do you do? - I'm in the porn industry.

- (Valeria) You're an actor. - No, I wish I was, I'm a screenwriter.

"Yeah, come on, push..." so tiring!

Oh well, you're a likeable guy.

Since I'm likeable you can tell me your name.

I'm Valeria, and you?

Carmela. It's my grandma's name, it meant a lot to my family.

It could have been worse. Think about Lady Oscar.

- Lady Oscar? - Lady Oscar. The animated feature.

Yeah, I remember Lady Oscar.

- But I liked Candy Candy better. - Oh yeah?

- So you like sad stories. - Candy Candy wasn't sad.

- It wasn't sad? - No. - Sad and unlucky. They were all dead.

Her father, her mother and also Anthony, her blond boyfriend.

In the 3rd episode he fell off his horse, even the raccoon wasn't doing well,...

..did you see his dark circles?

(MEN LAUGHING)

- When you laugh you look alike. - Candy Candy? - No, the raccoon.

(MEN LAUGHING) You even got the same claws, look.

What's your perfume? Don't tell me.

It's the same that one of my exes, Caterina, used. A bad relationship.

Every time I had a problem she was there.

- Well, she was there. - No, she was a jinx. (MEN LAUGHING)

Listen kiddo, give me your number so you can let me know...

..if you add cream to the carbonara or not.

Alright, you can have it. You earned it. Didn't he?

Way to go!

(MEN CHEERING)

- Aren't you eating anything? - I'm not hungry.

Don't worry, Giulio, it will be fine. We even practiced.

- Are you sure she's coming? - The whole newsroom was invited.

- Oh God, here they are. - (Ernesto) Where? - Don't turn around. Talk to me.

- (Ernesto) What should I say? - I don't know, laugh.

(ERNESTO LAUGHS OUT LOUD)

(Giulio) Ok, they went by, that's enough. (ERNESTO LAUGHS OUT LOUD)

That's enough! They're gone! What laughter is that? You're creepy, stop.

- Don't worry, I'll take care of it. I'll clear the field for you. - No, what are you going to do?

No initiatives. Wait, what will you do?

I'll tell Alfonso that we have to take some shots for the news agencies...

..and since he likes to pose he'll fall for it, don't worry.

- Giulio. - Uh? - Your seven hours are about to start.

Excuse me. Thanks.

Hmm!

(Giulio) The girl, wrapped in a pastel-coloured dress,...

..stared at the sea shrouded in her gloomy thoughts.

- Giulio! - Then she turned around, she saw him and said: "Giulio!"

Then she melted into a candid smile,...

..she adjusted her hair behind her ear and exclaimed:...

- .."How are you?" - How are you? - I asked first.

I'm good, we haven't seen each other for a long time.

- What are you drinking? - White wine, I'm not sure.

Inzolia, a young wine with broom aromas.

A common plant used to reforest.

Oh...

- Yakamoz. - What? Another wine?

No, it's the reflection of the moon on water, see?

(Giorgia) Oh!

How nice, it's... what did you say it's called?

In Turkish it's called yakamoz,...

..in our language there's no word to define it.

Funny, huh? We have dozens of synonyms for everything.

Think about money for example: dough, cash, bucks, bread.

Dozens of synonyms to define money and not even one...

..to define something that money will never buy.

The reflection of the moon on the water. Nice, wow.

- (Alfonso) Giorgia, where were you? - Honey. - I couldn't find you.

- (Giorgia) I'm sorry, I was talking to Giulio... - Oh, Giulio.

- (Alfonso) How are you? - He asked you how you are, answer him.

- Good, hi. - Yes, he also found a new job, he's doing great.

- Oh yeah? Where? - No, well, it's only temporary.

Yeah, but where? Repubblica, Il Mattino or Corriere?

(Giorgia) Yeah, you actually didn't tell me where you work now.

- No, be quiet, never mind. - Macho Man, an online magazine.

- At Macho Man? - Yeah, again, it's only temporary...

Come on...

(ALFONSO AND GIORGIA LAUGH)

(Alfonso) I'm sorry, I didn't mean to laugh, Giulio, but explain to me...

- What have you got to do with Macho Man? - Yeah, how did you end up there?

- It's only temporary... - It's actually really cool.

- Giulio, tell them! - Hey, Ernesto! - Oh God...

Honey... (ALFONSO LAUGHS)

Go ahead and laugh.

(Alfonso) Giulio...

(Giulio) You see, I lost all of my self-confidence in a second.

Alfonso instead... was so confident.

- Can I ask you a question? - Sure.

Why her?

You are learning techniques that could get you to pick up a lot of women,...

..but you keep thinking about her.

I mean, my students compete to see who will sleep with the most girls.

Well...

When I was a child my favourite animals were the penguins.

- They're sweet, funny. - And strictly monogamous.

- Yeah. - They choose their partner and stay together forever.

- Let's find the first. - What first?

- The first one who rejected you. - What for?

Giulio, every time you fell in love,...

..but for one reason or another it didn't go well,...

..a piece of your confidence collapsed, but it's the same for everyone.

- Because we are born self-confident but then life, rejections, undermine us. - Hmm...

- So what am I supposed to do? - Go back to where it all started.

- (Valeria) Find the first one who made you suffer. - Oh God... Well...

Mariella Jorio. She was with me in ninth grade.

(Mariella) This is a guy who is still being breast-fed, damn him.

I have to crush him. I have to smash your head.

(Giulio) She had such a strong disposition that I never had the courage to speak to her.

- Your school? Maybe she's on Facebook. - Galilei. You really want to find her?

- Of course. - (Giulio) It's absurd, it was 25 years ago.

Who knows? Maybe she's married or left Italy.

I mean, I followed you on everything but this is too much.

- Lina Ciù Ciù. - What? - Her name now is Lina Ciù Ciù.

(MARIELLA SINGS IN NEAPOLITAN)

Oh my goodness... what is that?

- What should I do now? - Nothing.

Just trust me.

(MARIELLA SINGS IN NEAPOLITAN)

- Are you in position? - (Giulio) Yeah.

But I don't feel too comfortable dressed like that.

(Valeria) If you wore a tie for 20 years, you can bear this, Giulio.

(Giulio) Ok, let's hope they stop to help me.

- She just finished singing at the wedding. She's coming. Go. - Ok.

(Driver) The hamlet.

- (SatNav) You want to go at the Louvre Museum? - The hamlet of Sant'Antonio!

- (SatNav) You want to go to the Duomo? - You're a real idiot, brother.

The hamlet, you understand?

- (Giulio) Oh! - (Driver) Oh! - Ah!

Gosh!

Oh my God...

My God.

My God, what did you do?

He was already on the ground, I didn't touch him!

Shut up!

(GIULIO MOANS)

- Am I dead? - He's dead.

- My God, you killed him. - If I did how come he's talking?

Shut up!

(GIULIO MOANS)

Our Lady of Mount Carmel, who are you?

An angel?

(SONG FROM THE RADIO: "ABBRACCIAME" BY ANDREA SANNINO)

- So it's true that you have all my CDs. - (Giulio) Of course it's true.

And... what's your favourite song?

They're all great, how could I...

(Valeria) Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

- "Wait a minute". - "Wait a minute?" What song is that?

- It's not the song! - It's not the song!

(Giulio) I mean, wait a minute, you asked me a difficult question.

It's not easy, I have to think about it.

- Mother me with love. - Mother me with love.

- Mother me with love? - Smother me. - Smother me, that's what I meant.

(MARIELLA SINGS IN NEAPOLITAN)

- Come on, sing with me, you make me sing alone? - Not at all.

(MARIELLA SINGS IN NEAPOLITAN)

- What's wrong? You don't know it? - Of course, but I like to hear you sing.

You see? I don't want to cover your voice with mine.

- Come on, you're making fool of me. - No, but... I like neo-melodic music like crazy.

(Valeria) Giulio, show her the pictures.

Here, let me show you. Look who I am with here, Tony Colombo.

- Tony Colombo, he's fantastic. - Look here.

- (Giulio) Gigione. - He's a real master. - He's great.

(Giulio) Well, this one has nothing to do with music.

- (Giulio) It's me and Checco. - Who's Checco?

Pope Checco. Francis, but I call him that.

- We have a special relationship. - With the Pope? - Yeah.

Really? Oh my God, as soon as I saw you I knew it.

- I mean, I can tell you're a good guy. - That's right.

- No, no! - No, no!

No? No what?

Nobody wants a good guy!

I'm not a good guy! Actually, I'm wicked!

- Not wicked! - Not wicked!

- I'm a worthless man! - No!

No! I'm a criminal! There, I said it!

- (Mariella) You? A criminal? - (Giulio) Yeah.

I've also been in jail, kiddo.

Why? What did you do? A homicide?

Yeah.

- A homicide. - Tell her you'll change your life now.

But now I'll change my life.

Yeah, I also talked to Checco, I can't live like that.

(HORNS HONKING)

Who are they?

- Huh? - Hmm...

- (Franco) Get out here, I have to talk to you. - You again? What do you want? Go away!

- (Franco) Get out, damn, or I'll smash this! - Easy with the car...

He's my ex, don't worry.

Get it through your head, it's over! I don't want to see you again!

- How do I have to tell you? Get lost! - Don't yell or he'll get angry.

- Who's this moron with you? - Watch it, he's been in jail.

- You were in jail? - He committed a homicide.

- It was involuntary. - Get out and we'll talk.

- I can hear you from here. - Are you shitting in your pants?

This guy is scared shitless.

(MEN LAUGHING)

- He's scared. - (Valeria) Get out and face them.

Lina was your first rejection. Your insecurity comes from there, get out!

(GIULIO SIGHS)

- Alright. Let's do it. - What? What are you going to do?

What has to be done, kiddo.

- This guy has guts. - So you were in jail?

- Well... - You bastard!

(Franco) You were in jail? Oh yeah?

I knew it.

He's a good guy.

Well? How did I do?

I'd say you passed the test.

You had a lot of nerve.

- They smothered me. - Exactly. - Smothered with love.

(MEN CHEERING)

Let's have a toast at the end of this course.

- To us. - To me. - To our goals and what we'll achieve.

(MEN CHEERING)

- Excuse us, girls. - Hi. - A female opinion.

- Do you prefer boxer shorts or speedo? - For comfort, so to speak.

- (Giorgia) Giulio! Hi. - Giorgia.

- What are you doing here? - I'd say I'm in line.

Oh, yeah. I'm sorry, it's just that... you didn't like going to the beach.

That was in the past. You have some parsley in your teeth.

- Oh my God. - Come here, let me see, come.

- Smile. - Is it there? - Smile. - Like this? - Smile.

- Again? - No. I just liked to see you smile.

- But... you idiot. - I did it for you. You live longer if you smile.

It's a scientific fact, I swear, it's proven.

- Oh, look who's here, our pal Giulio. - Alfonso.

- What are you doing here? - I'd rule out a medical examination, what do you think?

Although you'd need one, you are paler than ever.

That's good, Alfonso, eat your ice cream before you waste away.

(GIULIO LAUGHS OUT LOUD)

- Come on, honey, don't take it bad. - Eat your ice cream.

How about you? You came to the beach alone, right?

(ALFONSO GIGGLES)

- No, no, I came with... - With who?

- Hey, where were you? - Valeria? - Everything's fine.

- Hi, Valeria. - Alfonso Pace, deputy editor of Mezzogiorno d'Italia.

- Your former boss. - Yeah. - We're colleagues then.

- Oh, yeah? - Sure, Giulio and I work together.

He told me a lot about you, he said you taught him everything.

- Is that right? - (Giulio) Yeah. - You don't know how much I envy your generation.

- My generation, come on. - Really, it wasn't like it is now.

- In your time, you had the real journalism, right, Giulio? - That's right!

Alfonso, in your time, there was no internet, no fake news.

- There were no such things in your day. - Yeah, my father always tells me that.

- Great. - Don't exaggerate. I'm not that old.

- Well... - Well...

- I'm sorry, we haven't been introduced yet. Hi. - Giorgia. His ex.

- And my current. - Oh my God...

Giulio showed me some of your pictures but...

Without all those Instagram filters I hadn't really recognized you.

- (Giorgia) Yeah. - I'm sorry.

But you don't need filters, do you? You're already dark-skinned.

Is it your skin or are your parents from outside the EU?

We are organizing the beach volleyball tournament, should I you sign up?

- What do you say? - Sure, that's what I came for.

- Alfonso, did you have beach volleyball in your day? - Sign us up.

- (Giorgia) Yeah. - (Girl) Your names.

Alfonso Pace, deputy editor at Mezzogiorno d'Italia.

- For two. - Giulio Manfredi, Macho Man. - For two.

(SONG: "I LOVE IT" BY ICONA POP FEAT. CHARLI XCX)

Go!

(SONG: "I LOVE IT" BY ICONA POP FEAT. CHARLI XCX)

- Go, Giulio! - Well done! - Oh!

(THE REFEREE WHISTLES) (Alfonso) What was that?

(SONG: "I LOVE IT" BY ICONA POP FEAT. CHARLI XCX)

- Side out! - What's that?

(SONG: "I LOVE IT" BY ICONA POP FEAT. CHARLI XCX)

It was mine, dammit!

- (Alfonso) This was yours! - Yeah!

This was yours!

(SONG: "I LOVE IT" BY ICONA POP FEAT. CHARLI XCX)

Go for it!

(SONG: "I LOVE IT" BY ICONA POP FEAT. CHARLI XCX)

(Alfonso) What the hell are you doing?

13-14 for the blue team, match point!

(SONG: "I LOVE IT" BY ICONA POP FEAT. CHARLI XCX)

Yes!

(SONG: "I LOVE IT" BY ICONA POP FEAT. CHARLI XCX)

(Giorgia) I even broke my shoe heel! Honey, I'm walking with one shoe.

Where the hell did you park the damn car? (HORN HONKING)

Bye, Alfonso!

(Giulio) You were great when you kissed me, Giorgia really got jealous.

All the rest worked too: the sharp stinger against Alfonso, the game, everything.

I summed it up, seven hours have almost elapsed.

What should I do now? Take her out to dinner in a romantic place? Tell me.

- Let me off. - Uh? - Let me get off!

- What? - I don't like the way you drive, let me get off. Stop.

- What is it? Did I say something wrong? - You'll take her to a romantic place?

- Maybe have a candlelight dinner. - Well, it was just an idea.

Giulio, she chose another man over you.

You want to win her back? Don't do what you would have done in the past.

She doesn't want the old Giulio.

You're right, I'm sorry. It's true.

No, I should apologize. I'm sorry.

You did good today. Bye. (CELLPHONE RINGING)

Wait, where are you going? We're in the middle of nowhere, let me get you to a cab.

No, I'd rather walk. Hello?

What?

- (Valeria) So it wasn't a heart attack. - No.

He was very close. For the time being he's out of danger.

- But we'll keep him under control, ok? - Thank you. - Have a good evening.

(Vincenzo) Valeria? Valeria, we were playing cards.

Suddenly he turned all red...

..and I thought he was getting angry...

..because he was losing his third hand so I told him:...

.."Gaetano, don't get angry. The angrier you get the less you'll get your cards".

Then I turned around and he wasn't breathing.

- (Valeria) Dad. - Sweetheart.

- Gaetano... - You scared me.

What can I do? I'm getting old.

Pardon me, you have to let me get this thing off my chest.

Gaetano, you see these cards?

Gaetano, they are all marked.

Gaetano, I cheated. You understand? I cheated.

Gaetano, tell me something.

Gaetano, please, tell me I'm a low life...

Do this, spit me in the face, that's right, yeah, spit in my face.

- We're going to let him rest now. - It will only take a minute.

- Not now. - You take responsibility for it.

- Will you spit in my face? - No, what have I got to do with it?

- Then I'll spit in my own face. - No, please.

(VINCENZO SPITS) (Giulio) No, please.

- How are you? - I wanted to make him feel guilty.

I always knew he cheated.

I'm glad you're not alone.

- Sit down, please. - Okay...

I couldn't have gone away in peace, you know that.

Dad, you're not going anywhere. You understand?

- He doesn't depilate, does he? - Uh?

No... it's just that I heard...

..that nowadays some men depilate.

He doesn't remove his body hair, does he?

No.

Don't worry, he doesn't.

I can tell from his face he's a good guy.

- Excuse me, miss. Are you busy? - Why? Tell me.

- Could you please spit in my face? - Please, stop that. Please excuse him.

- Why? She wasn't busy. - Will you stop with that?

(Giulio) It's both a matter of manual skill and mental speed.

No matter how many rotations you do, the piece at the centre is always there...

..and that's what determines the colour of the side.

You start from the edges, then the corners...

..and it's done, here it is.

You're really good.

When I was in high school I even won some championships then I quit.

Giorgia said it was a game for morons.

Hey, is everything ok?

I'm afraid of losing him.

- He's all my family. - Why, is your mother...

No.

She fell in love with another man and left.

I was 12.

- I haven't seen her a lot since. - I'm sorry.

Attraction. Remember?

- We are animals programmed to respond to genetic stimuli. - Yeah.

We're animals.

Then I started asking myself questions.

I wanted to understand how that man could take her away.

So that's why you started teaching.

Yeah, that's how I started, offering advice to my classmates.

And it worked. So...

But the only one I really wanted to save was my father.

I couldn't.

He never recovered... he's probably still waiting for her.

Well, maybe in a different way, but I'm sure you...

..you saved him anyway.

Listen, do you feel like going somewhere else?

I'll put a smile back on your face. Come.

- So? Does it make you smile or what? - Very much so.

- Salvatore invented the all-you-can-eat 20 years before the Chinese. - Really?

When I was a student I used to come here for consolation when I got a bad mark.

- What if you got a good mark? - I came here to celebrate.

- (Valeria) Snow flakes, you ever tried these? Of course you did. - Yeah!

- (Giulio) The "babà". - (Valeria) This is happiness. - Taste the rum in this.

Yeah. It's true.

- What about that strawberry tart? - I'll have one right away.

(Giulio) Try this crème pat.

So delicate. You got all dirty.

I still didn't get it.

- What? - What kind of animal are you?

I try to place you but you're elusive.

- I am the fiercest animal of all. - Oh! - Uh-huh.

The lion.

- No... the human being. - Hmm...

Well, I don't think you're that fierce.

I think you like to wear this mask of the mean girl.

- Ok, stop it right there. - Why, kiddo, does it bother you?

Don't call me that, you learned it from me! It doesn't work with me.

It doesn't work? You like scoundrels.

Those who use sharp stingers, the morons posting fake photos on social media.

- The mysterious, the 3 Ms: Mystery... - It doesn't work with every girl.

- This rule is not always working. - It sure does, you know why? - No why?

Because you've been a primitive woman for millions of years...

..so you can't go against your genetic code.

Ssh...

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

It's Giorgia.

Answer it.

Hey...

You mean now?

It's kind of late... but ok.

Let's meet. Bye.

(INAUDIBILE DIALOGUE)

How nice, our house.

I was going crazy at the beach, Giulio.

- I was going crazy. - Oh yeah? - Yeah.

Giorgia... Giorgia, wait a second.

- What is it? - Wait. - Honey, what is it, honey? - Wait a minute.

Oh... I know what you want.

You want me to take care of you.

Yes, that's what you want.

Ssh...

Giorgia, wait a minute, Giorgia!

Giorgia, stop for a minute, stop.

But... it was working.

Honey, I know that right now you don't totally feel at ease.

Well, I did some horrible things, I realize that...

..but during this time I understood lots of things,...

..how much I care about you.

(UNINTELLIGIBLE WORDS)

You're my pup, remember?

(UNINTELLIGIBLE WORDS)

I should have called you.

Giulio?

What are you doing?

I turned off the audio.

- What does it mean? - Giorgia, I turned the audio off.

- I finally see. - Uh?

I don't like you Giorgia and you certainly don't like me.

- What are you saying? - We're totally different, Giorgia.

We have different tastes. You like sushi, I like pizza.

You like staying up late, I like getting up early.

You like winners but in my case winning at all costs makes me anxious.

And also, you like Alfonso, Giorgia. You like Alfonso!

How can I be with someone who likes Alfonso?

- You're done with me! - I know and I'm happy.

You're the one who told me, remember? We have the right to be happy.

Americans wrote it in the Declaration of Independence.

- Fuck you. - Giorgia.

I wish you a lot of happiness.

(DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING)

(Giulio) Before embarking on a journey we calculate the route...

..and scrupulously plan our roadmap.

But the amazing thing about travel is that you can notice that along the way...

..there are other exits, other roads that you hadn't even considered.

But these are only words.

Let's run an experiment.

Let's try to simulate a random approach...

..and we try to highlight the defence mechanisms of women.

(Giulio) Hey.

- What are you doing here? - I was looking for you.

I'm busy.

- Why did you run away? - When? - Last night.

(Man) Miss, in this example does he already know the girl?

I left Giorgia.

I thought you wanted to know.

Well, it's a shame.

- After all the trouble you've been through. - I don't understand. - Shut up.

Now I know she's not the one I want.

But at this point that's not a problem anymore.

You got so good that you can have all the women you want.

- (Man) What's he doing here then? - Hush! Shut up!

(Giulio) Valeria, if I hadn't received that phone call last night...

- What would have happened between us? - What does it matter, Giulio?

We are only responses to genetic stimuli.

We are programmed for that.

Just that.

Just that.

(SONG: "CHASING CARS" BY SNOW PATROL)

Ok, let's start over.

(SONG: "CHASING CARS" BY SNOW PATROL)

(Giulio) In our journey we put ourselves on the line, we worked on ourselves,...

..we dared to the point of making a fool of ourselves,...

..but why did we do all this?

To turn all the no's in our life into reassuring yes, perhaps.

Yet I'm convinced that it's not just that.

What we wanted was to get rid of the anxiety of not pleasing others.

What we wanted was to finally feel free to express ourselves.

(SONG: "CHASING CARS" BY SNOW PATROL)

(Giulio) So if on our trip we managed to bring out that little bit of your personality...

..that was hiding for fear of being judged,...

..then we can proudly say that our mission is accomplished.

(SONG: "CHASING CARS" BY SNOW PATROL)

What?

- Did you fight with Giulio? - No way... No, no.

Valeria, don't let him get away.

- I have longed for a person all my life. - You were wrong. She wasn't worth it.

Mom went away, she left us alone. She was selfish, she wasn't worth it.

Valeria, we're not just responses...

..biological, genetic responses, or whatever you call them.

We are people made of blood, emotions, feelings.

We are made to love each other.

Come on, don't be sad...

Look, things can go well, they can go wrong,...

..but there's no bigger agony of whoever knows they didn't even try.

Come on, go, go.

What about you?

I can go home by myself. I'm not a child, don't worry, go, go.

Who's going to get me down here?

He resigned, he came here...

..and with his last article he also gave me his resignation.

He went to work for another magazine.

(Fabiano) It's an international group, but Enrico can't stand them and won't mention them.

- We'll have to work on envy. - Envy? Me?

- Of what? - You are envious.

When you'll manage to internalize this feeling you'll admit they're better.

- Enough with your nonsense, Fabiano... - Excuse me, I'm in a bit of a hurry.

There's not much to say, the group is launching a new magazine...

..and Giulio was hired to run the economics page.

- Where are their offices? - (Fabiano) London, Paris, New York.

Wherever something happens they'll be there.

- So Giulio has left. - I just told you that.

(Fabiano) You'd better internalize the news, otherwise you'll feel worse afterwards.

Fabiano, enough with your bullshit.

(Enrico) Well, I heard that these guys I don't even want to mention, bear with me,...

..I know they're having a brunch today, a lunch,...

..in some villa, something tacky.

Giulio will go there to sign his new contract.

- What villa? - Villa Imperiale in Posillipo.

They'll never let you in, it's a very exclusive event.

- Are you sure? - She's staying Hotel Vesuvio, no doubt.

We have the press release. I have a friend who works there.

- Everything is settled. - Ernesto, thanks. I'll see you there.

I have to go, baby, the people out there need me.

(SONG: "LEMONADE" BY PLANET FUNK)

(OVERLAPPING VOICES)

Miss Leotta, good morning.

- Paparazzi, stop it with those cameras! - Please, come with me.

This way.

(OVERLAPPING VOICES)

(Valeria) Ernesto, let's go.

- Hello. - Diletta, this is Joseph, the great VIP astrologist.

He's coming with us. Ernesto, let's go.

- An astrologist, wow. - Astrologist and palm reader.

- Shall we start reading your palm? - Sure. What does it say?

It says it's pretty clean.

And these days it's quite encouraging.

(Giuseppe) Hmm... Moody, at times fickle, extremely capricious.

Kiddo, you know what? You're a real pain in the ass.

- He started with this nice sharp stinger? - Ssh...

(SONG: "LEMONADE" BY PLANET FUNK)

(OVERLAPPING VOICES)

- Morning. - Good morning. - (Valeria) Excuse me.

- Excuse me, I'm with them. - Show me your invitation, please.

- (Valeria) I'm with Joseph, the astrologist. - I'm sorry, you can't get in.

- I was with Diletta, you saw me. - I'm sorry, you can't get in.

- Joseph! - Joseph!

- (Valeria) Joseph, they won't let us in. - Bye-bye darling.

He left us out here? He's gone gaga, I can't believe it!

He lost his mind, but miss, no problem.

I have an alternative route, follow me.

(Carmine) We always go through here when we have no tickets.

- (Carmine) We'll be like "Piranha" of the Caribbean. - (Fabrizio) Is this legal?

- (Valeria) Who cares? - (Ernesto) My feet hurt. - (Carmine) Be careful or it will sink.

There's a secret passage through here.

- You row. - (Fabrizio) Why me? - (Carmine) Are we all here?

- (Carmine) Be careful, we're moving. - (Ernesto) Row, Fabrizio. - (Valeria) Watch out!

(OVERLAPPING VOICES)

- (Carmine) The bats will stick to your head. - (Fabrizio) But you have no hair.

(SONG: "LEMONADE" BY PLANET FUNK)

- (in French) Mr. Manfredi, nice to meet you. - My pleasure.

(Waiter) Gentlemen, this way.

- That way, go that way, Fabrizio! - That way. - Why don't you start rowing?

- This thing is not moving. - Of course not, look at that.

- (Carmine) My gosh! - (Valeria) Oh my God! - We're sinking!

(Carmine) Guys, I have to confess, I can't swim!

- What do you mean you can't swim? - I can't swim, I really can't!

- (Fabrizio) Are you nuts? - I don't even go online, I'm afraid of surfing!

- (Ernesto) Give us a hand, call for help! - Help! - Help!

(Waiter) Gentlemen, you won't be disturbed here.

Well, counsellor, let's see this contract.

You'll see, Manfredi, you'll be just fine. Our publisher goes overboard for us.

- Did you see what he organized for you? - (in French) He likes to exaggerate.

- (in French) It's just a little party. That's all. - So this is your contract, alright?

You need to sign each page.

(LOUD DISTANT VOICES)

(Carmine, Valeria, Ernesto and Fabrizio) Help! Help! Help!

- (in French) What's going on? - Some idiot is drowning.

(Carmine, Valeria, Ernesto and Fabrizio) Help! Help us!

- (Valeria) Help! - (Carmine) Help!

Damn!

(Carmine) I'm gulping down a lot of water, and it's salted!

- I got high blood pressure! - (Ernesto) Calm down, don't make it worse.

- Guys, get help fast! - (Fabrizio) Do you have a phone?

- (Valeria) Giulio. - (Giulio) Valeria. What are you doing here?

I wanted to tell you that...

I wanted to talk to you but I didn't know I'd have to do that...

..in the middle of the sea wearing a pants suit!

And I didn't know I would have to swim with my clothes on, so?

It's not true that we are only responses to genetic stimuli.

There, I wanted to tell you that.

- Just that? - Just that.

You mean to tell me that you almost drowned to join me at a party...

..where I was signing a contract to tell me we're not responses to genetic stimuli.

- But it's important, isn't it? - No.

But I have to say that if I turn the audio off...

..your gesture has a totally different meaning.

That is?

What is it, kiddo? You seem pretty anxious.

- (Carmine) What are they doing? - They're kissing.

What? Are they really kissing?

(UNINTELLIGIBLE WORDS BY CARMINE) (Ernesto) Stop moving!

- You're not moving overseas? - Why?

What do you mean? This magazine has offices all over the world.

Yes, all over the world...

And Naples as well is part of the world. Doesn't it?

You're telling me that I could have spared myself all this?

And that we could have talked tonight?

Tomorrow morning at the latest. Quietly, easily and dry.

But I must admit it wouldn't have been the same.

I would have missed the 3 Ms: Mediterranean, May Day...

Knock it off!

7 HOURS TO WIN YOUR HEART

(SONG: "CHEERLEADER" BY OMI)

- Stop staring! - I wasn't staring.

Butts are a symbol of fertility.

It was just my response to genetic stimulus.

- Oh yeah? - Yeah.

This is my response to a maniac like you.

You really are a primitive woman.

I'll be darned... Honey!

(SONG: "CHEERLEADER" BY OMI)

- Help! He stole my bag! - I'll take care of it!

(SONG: "CHEERLEADER" BY OMI)

He ran away but I managed to get your bag.

- You're injured. - Where?

It's just a mugging, but if you give me your number it'll go away.

- Great, it turned out alright. - Next time you'll be the thief.

No way, you fit perfectly in the character.

- Did you get her phone number? - Yeah.

- Did you ask her if she has a friend? - No, I forgot, I'm sorry.

You idiot!

(Boy) Too high. Easy, you shouldn't take out all this rage.

- Come on, move it. - Try aiming at something.

Don't whistle! I can't calm down if you whistle!

- (Giuseppe) Sweetheart. - (Diletta) Uh? - (Giuseppe) I still have to call Flavio.

He wants us to join him in Sardinia this Saturday.

- Don't you want to go? - No way. It's such a drag.

It feels so good here with my foam and the roses.

How to recognize a moron.

If you're here, it's because you probably met one.

But if you follow my advice, you'll learn to keep a certain kind of male at bay.

And finally, the net income.

This too is very positive especially considering we only started 6 months ago.

I told you this guy was great.

I'd like to introduce you a consultant I fully trust.

Gentlemen, Enrico Dell'Orefice.

Gentlemen, hello. Let me tell you that I'm honoured to be here.

Let's get to the idea.

I have to tell you that in the near future the internet will die.

It will die, gentlemen. Too many fake news.

Too much social alienation, people need human relationships.

So I ask you: why not go back to the origins? Giulio.

(Enrico) The village gossip. It's the future of information.

The gossip, that figure who by just sitting at the front door of her house,...

..watches the community, knows who gets married, who gets rich, who cheats on who.

The village gossip is the local answer to the global world.

(in French) This is brilliant!

(APPLAUSE)

Kiddo, we smashed!