All language subtitles for jeff.ross.roasts.the.border.2017.hdtv.x264-crooks-es

Look at this beautiful crowd.

Come up here, dude.
Come up here.

Look at this guy.

What's your name?
What's that?

Herman.
And...

What?

Just call you "eggnog?"

What do you do?

I landscape.
Landscape.

I could've guessed
that in one guess.

You're a legal citizen?

I'm an alien.
You're an alien?

I got a Social Security though.

You can check.

I'm not going to check.
It's okay.

You're in a safe space
right now.

Are your parents
in this country?

Yeah.
One.

One is, and the other one?

They threw one back.

They threw one back.

That would be such a tricky
way to grow up, right,

where you're legal but
your parents are undocumented?

That's a lot of leverage
to have on your parents.

"Hey, clean up your room."
"Really, Mom?"

"Let me call ICE, see if they
want to clean up your room."

"What time is my curfew, Dad?"

"Well, you might not be
coming home tonight, so."

**

Hola. Me llamo Jeff Ross.

And like most Americans,
I'm a descendant of immigrants.

My grandparents' grandparents
escaped from Eastern Europe

in search of a better life
and perfect posture.

Their daughter,
my great-grandma Rosie,

went on to embrace
the American dream.

After playing four seasons
with the New York Giants,

she built herself a successful

catering business

in Newark, New Jersey.

From there, our family
grew into a motley

melting pot of religions
and nationalities

that now includes a crazy
Israeli and two Chinese cousins

that are smarter than me
and can kick my ass.

And it's not just my family.

Since this country got rolling,
people from all over the world

have fled their homelands

to come to the greatest
country on Earth.

I mean, can you see
how happy they are?

USA! USA!

Ever since I was a kid,
leaders on all sides

have stood up for immigrants.

Rather than talking about
putting up a fence,

why don't we make it
possible for them

to come here legally
with a work permit,

and then while they're
working and earning here,

they pay taxes here?

And when they want to go back,
they can go back,

and they can cross,
and open the border both ways.

These are good people,
strong people.

Part of my family is Mexican.

Ross:
Things are different now.

Suddenly, America is
like a snobby club

with a douchey doorman.

But for me, this issue
isn't about politics.

It's about people,
lots and lots of people.

No ban, no walls!

No ban,
no walls!

Here I am in Texas,
a rally at the state capital.

One of many happening
all over the country right now.

No ban, no wall.

For many, the stakes
couldn't be higher.

What brought you out today?

My fiance is from Mexico,
and he's actually undocumented,

and with all this
ICE raids and everything,

he's afraid to go
out because...

Must be scary.
Very scary.

I'm the son of Mexican
and Columbian immigrants,

and I'm proud.

I feel you, bro.

"Palestinian, Mexican,
Muslim and a woman."

Man.

You can probably get deported
and locked up

for three different
reasons right now.

What do you each for lunch,
like quesadillas with hummus?

Not only was this nation built
by immigrants, it still is.

Are you a real
construction worker?

Real construction.

All the building, and last year,
we do all the window.

Wow.
Right here at the capital?

Yes, sir.

Well, it's a beautiful building
with beautiful windows.

Thank you.
Yeah.

And thank you, all United States
for bringing little jobs for us.

Yeah. Of course, man.
I'm very appreciative.

Immigrants make America great.
I agree, man.

Yeah.
Yeah.

A couple of Mexican guys
like you and me

are making this country great.

All right.
Gracias.

With some people calling
for a Muslim ban,

even our freedom
of religion is at risk.

You're wearing
your uniform today.

To show people that the way
that Muslims are being treated,

getting detained at the airport,

and almost being outright
banned is just unacceptable.

You know, we need to
come out and show

our fellow Americans
who were are.

Of course.
Right.

In any other context,
people would be saluting you,

and here, it's, like,
you might as well

be getting the middle finger
from the government.

What the hell is going on?

Why is a nation of newcomers

suddenly turning
its back on itself?

I wanted to understand more,
so I headed down

to the frontline
of the immigration battle,

to a sweaty little border town
called Brownsville,

at the southern tip of Texas.

And as we all know, the tip
is always the most sensitive,

so the people who live here
are getting hit hard

by America's changing policies.

Who lives here? Is it mostly
Mexican

Mexican and Mexican-American
people is 95 percent of us,

but at the end of the day,
we're all Texan.

Many of these folks have
family and friends living

and working on both
sides of the border,

creating one big community
of "murderers, rapists

and some, I assume,
are good people."

That's the Rio Grande.

That's Mexico.

You could throw a rock
across right here.

I'm just walking
along the border

and finding kids' clothes,

womens' clothes,
more shoes, shoes, shoes.

I don't think that's a drug
dealer or a terrorist

coming over right there.

Raids and detentions
are at an all-time high.

Plus, el Presidente's

constant threats
of mass deportations,

including young DREAMers who
were raised and educated here,

and of course, the building
of an even bigger barrier

has put stress on the hearts
of all the people

who aren't hot enough to get
into America on a modeling visa.

So I started asking,
"How do the people

who actually live on the border
feel about all this?"

Do they want
an even bigger wall?

And if I did a free show
at a public park,

right in front of the existing
fence, will the locals show up,

or would many be
too scared to come out

for fear of being
rounded up -- or roasted.

Because for many,
this issue is no joke.

More people cross over illegally
here than anywhere else

along America's
2,000-mile border.

So our government
built this fence

through Brownsville a decade ago

to keep the strangers out.

It hasn't worked.

They still come...

Man:
Three-oh-four, go ahead.

Man: I have two individuals
walking up to me.

Ross: ...any way they can.

Man: They probably
rafted them across.

Yeah.

Ross:
As we waited for Border Patrol,

the constables helped me
use my broken Spanish

to welcome two people
into the country.

Get your filming now because
when we call Border Patrol,

we put the cameras down.

Hey, bud. Hola.

They're from El Salvador.

From El Salvador?
Yes. They're going to New York.

I'm going to New York.

They're going to go
see Donald Trump.

This your son?

Yes.
Yeah, see?

Hola, buddy.
Hola.

Me llamo Jeff.

Just crossed a minute ago.

They do that so he won't get...

Yeah.
You know...

They split the children up,

that way there's no
immediate deportation.

Smart.
Yeah.

How do you feel?

Are you nervous?
What are you feeling?

[ Interpreting
in Spanish ]

What's the violence like
in your home?

[ Interpreting
in Spanish ]

Now what happens?

We'll call Border Patrol
and they'll take them

and transport them.

Where will they sleep tonight?

They'll be at
Border Patrol tonight.

What's that, like, a jail?

It is what it is,
you know?

Of course.

No.
No.

He's brave, man, brave man.

Okay.

Yeah.

Buena suerte.
Good luck.

Welcome.

Ross:
What a kick in the balls.

One of the most exciting
moments of their lives

was also so demeaning.

You don't think they're
going to get sent back

tonight or tomorrow?

Man: I doubt it very seriously.

Do you ever worry about people,
or try to follow their stories?

Is that even possible?

I can't worry myself about that

because the next day

I'm going to be meeting
somebody else just like him.

I'll take you over here, but
we're going to be real quiet,

and we're going to stay
kind of out of sight.

We're going to see
where they launch from.

There's Mexico, right there.
There's the river and the river.

You see how well-worn
that track is right there?

Yeah.
They're carrying the rafts down.

They'll raft everybody across.

They drop them here,
and then the bring them back in.

I wouldn't get too far
out in the open.

Why is that?
To get out in the open, or?

Yeah.

Well, if anybody don't
like us on that side.

Oh, I see.
They're not going to shoot?

If you say so.

Jesus.

This will make your heart heavy,

considering what these people
go through to get right here.

Well, all over the world,
there's so much scary crap

going on that you
can't blame them.

Well...

For putting their kid
in a raft and risking it...

I understand that...
...his life.

But as an American citizen,
how many people do you let in?

All of them.
How many do you support?

All of them.
Look how big this country is.

Well, those...
I mean, I'm not saying

turn your back on
a lot of these people,

but what I'm saying is, is that
we need to tend to our own

before we can tend
to everybody else.

We are everybody else.
That's my opinion.

Those two people
are now Americans.

They're just going to be
part of our poor

that we have
to take care of.

Right.

As soon as they get here,
they are us.

I expected about 50 locals
to show up at the show,

but it turns out,
everyone in town

is affected by what's going on.

Both of my parents crossed here
at the Brownsville Bridge

around 40 years ago,
give or take.

Man: I have friends
that are from both.

They're both nationalities,
Mexican and the United States.

They go to the university
here in Brownsville.

They're afraid to go home.

They're afraid to come back
over here to go to class

because you never know when
that random pick-up will happen,

or their random deportation.

Man:
I came here with my mother.

We actually crossed
the river, you know,

just like millions of Mexicans

that come to the United States.

When I came, I felt that
this country was the best,

and I wanted to be
a contributor.

I've been in the military.

I graduated college.

I'm contributing --
I'm a taxpayer.

So, immigration
is just welcoming people

to the land of opportunity.

Man: Well, we were driving by
and we were wondering

what was going on,
and they told us Rick Ross...

Oh, James?
Jeff Ross?

Yeah.

Man: Brownsville, Texas,
are you guys ready

for the Roastmaster General?

Put your hands together
for Mr. Jeff Ross!

Yeah!

**

Que paso, Brownsville?

You really came.
You came.

Thank you, everybody.

Where are my Americans at?

We've got some hardcore,

patriotic American
people down here.

And where are
my undocumented at?

All in favor of letting
everybody stay in America,

say, "Aye-yi-yi-yi."

Aye-yi-yi-yi!

Stick around after
the show, you guys,

because we're going to break
a pinata full of green cards

if anybody wants
to play along.

Brownsville, Texas.
Look at this place.

It's like you guys got to 1958
and said, "Fuck it."

"Fuck it. We're good."

Yeah, man.
I love it down here.

You know, I actually
have roots down here.

I got roots with the cartels.

That's right, I'm el Chapo's
Jewish cousin,

el Cheapo.

I taught him how to cook meth
Kosher for Passover.

Brownsville is a heck
of a town, man.

You guys really...

it's a beautiful place,
beautiful people,

but it's hard here, man.

I can't imagine living in a town

with a fence running
right through my town.

I got lonely last night.

I went on Tinder,

and I swipe with somebody
on the other side of the wall.

That's the biggest cock
block in history.

I didn't let that stop us,
though.

3:00 a.m., we met over there
by the bushes.

We both kind of pressed up
against the wall,

and I entered her illegally.

And we had a three-way
with an armadillo.

The armadillo is here tonight.
What's up, buddy?

How you doing, man?

Look at the size of this guy.
How you doing, brother?

Wow.
What are you celebrating?

Cinco de mayonnaise?

Damn.
This guy.

Thanks for coming off
the wall, Humpty.

I appreciate you, man.

Where my Border Patrol at?

[ Scattered cheers and whistles
from rear ]

Let me give the Border Patrol
a little advice.

If you want to catch people
coming into

the country illegally,

don't write "Border Patrol"
across your truck.

Write "Cold beer and free
blow jobs" in Spanish.

See if business doesn't
pick up a little bit.

Now I hear they want to add
5,000 more Border Patrol.

5,000 more,
can you imagine that?

At that point,
they won't need a wall.

They can just stand arm-to-arm
and form a human wall.

Red rover, red rover,
don't let Pedro come over.

I came down to Brownsville
because this is the front line

of the immigration war
in America right now.

I'm here out of solidarity.

I don't want people
around America to not know

how hard this struggle is,

so, you know, the situation
is very fucked up right now.

I heard yesterday, they deported
an 8-year-old Guatemalan girl

and her three kids.

I'm all about bringing
people together.

Fences keep people apart.

Personally, I don't think
we need a wall.

I don't think we need a wall
for $21 billion.

$21 billion dollars
to build a wall right there.

For that kind of money, we could
send everybody in Mexico $1,000

to stay there.

"No come-o Estados Unidos,
por favor?"

"No problem, puto."

But on the bright side,

the Olympic Mexican
pole-vaulting team

is number one
in the world right now.

So you have this
beautiful house.

Adorable.

And you guys live there,

and then this is
your backyard, right here?

The American-Mexican
border fence.

Yes.
That's weird.

Yes, it is.

How often do you catch
people coming over?

Every other day.

People and drugs.

They just throw it over.

They climb like little monkeys
with two little ropes,

and they get their feet,
and they go like this.

Then they toss it.

Then they jump over.

Is that a bushel of weed?

Yes, it is.

That's enough weed
to kill somebody.

Not buy smoking it,
but by landing on your head.

What's all over the fence here?

They are handprints.

Do you ever see women
or children trying to come over?

Yes. We do.

How would a woman or a child
even get over this?

They see the gate open,
so they'll just run out.

No one's watching
that gate right now?

No.
No.

Why is it open?

Because the farmers,
when they're farming,

they go ahead and they open it.

So someone could run through
that right now, any second?

Yes.
So what the fuck is going on?

If you're fast enough,
you can be an American.

If you're fat and slow,
you're stuck in Mexico.

Yep, pretty much.
It's so strange.

Yeah.

You're halfway.

I could do it if I had to.

Yeah?

This would not hold me back
if I was desperate or starving.

Nope.

Did you make the code up
or did the government

give you the code?
No. They ask us

because I can
only remember six numbers.

Now we know it's six numbers.

All right.
Cartels, six numbers.

Ray Loop Farm.

I'm going to make you rich.
Look at that.

Here's America,
shutting its door.

Bye, America.

Damn. What year did you win

the Brett Michael's
look

I don't even know who that is.

Are we in Mexico right now?

No.
We're still in the US.

-Technically.
-Technically, yeah.

According to the government,
we're on the Mexican side

of the U.S. border law.

But we're still in America?

We're still in America.

Because the river is here.

Yeah.

How much of this is your farm?
Yeah, we've got

1,000 acres
or so on this side.

You're right in the front line
of the immigration battle

in this country, right?

You can see there's not
a lot of law enforcement.

I mean, there's not...

I mean, there are
periods and times

where the activity is increased,

but it's not like
it's a war zone.

What's the weirdest thing
that you ever saw

come over this wall?

I mean, it's just either
people carrying bundles

and how fast they can do it.

Do you think we need
another wall back here?

No.

No, the first one slows them
down a minute and a half,

so we put up another one,

we're going to get
3 minutes' extra time? No.

It's not worth it.
No.

Not at $11 million a mile.

You got a gun?

Yeah.

You got a family, a wife.

Do you ever get nervous, scared?

You know, I guess we just get
adjusted to the way of life.

You know, we see
this stuff going down.

I mean, we watch the guys cross.

It's not our job.

You know, we don't mess
with them

and they don't mess with us.
I mean...

Now, see he's going after...

After what?
Going after something.

Let's go, let's go.

Shit, you guys,
don't tell me, "Go."

They must have been
watching something.

There he is.

This is the Wild West
out here, man.

It can be.

So what do you think
that could be?

They spotted somebody
on camera coming over?

Somebody coming out
with something or...

That's my brother.

That's your brother?

On the left.
What the heck is going on here?

Yeah.
What the hell is going on?

Oh, look at this!

Slow down.
Slow down.

Slow down.
Go slow.

I'm stopping.
I'll talk to my brother.

I don't care who these guys are.

Man.
What happened?

The guy went flying around me
and wrecked right here,

and then he ran out,
and he said, "Can you help?

My friend has been shot."

Aw, shit.

He's crying?

Yeah.

The guy is on the ground
right there.

Somebody is dying.

Yeah.

What happened, officer?
Is it a drug thing?

Maybe we should get out of here,
or at least be in the car.

Somebody has been shot.

What aren't you telling me?
What do you mean?

What the fuck is going
on around here?

I mean, it can happen anywhere
you go in the country,

can it not?

It could've happened to you,
or your family,

or us on any given day.

We're in the middle
of what feels like nowhere,

and 20 Border Patrol just
showed up and a guy got shot.

This is a war zone, dude.

Does this prove
Donald Trump right,

that's there's drug dealers

coming in and murderers
and rapists?

In 1990, I found six
murdered bodies on the farm.

You found six murdered
bodies on your farm?

In an 18-month period.

So, is the drug violence
worse now than it was?

I don't know.

I think it's always been.

I would say that don't pick up
anybody hitchhiking.

Phew! It gets hot
down here, too.

Holy shit, man.

The heat is hard, man,

but I guess you guys
are used to it.

I've been doing my research
into this town.

It's 91 percent Latino here --
91 percent.

It's 8 percent gringo, like me.

So I guess that one black guy is
sick of getting arrested, huh?

Oh, don't point to...
Oh, there he is!

What's up, dude?

It's multicultural
here today, buddy.

We got every
kind of person here.

That's the main thing.
We got kids here?

Yeah!

Is that a little kid over there?

How old is that kid?

Woman: He's seven months.
Seven months?

Happy anchor baby.

Did you have the kid
on the way over to my show?

What happened?

Where my DREAMers at?

So who's a DREAMer?

Us two.
You two.

Because you're undocumented?
Right.

How old were you
when you came here?

I was eight.
Eight?

Eight years old.
How'd you get here?

It was just my sister
and I on a bus,

an 8-year-old
and a 9-year-old,

and at the bus station,
the people, the coyotes,

who were going to take us past
picked us up at the bus station.

They didn't want to
release us to our parents

because they bumped
up the price.

Last minute, they say,
"Oh, we want $500 more

or you're not going
to see your kids."

You think they would have...
What would they have done

with you if they didn't pay,
your parents?

I don't want to imagine it.

That's terrifying.

How old were you when you came?

Five.

Did you tell your mom, "Hey,
Mom, I want to go to the US

and I'm going to go
without you." No?

We didn't have a choice.
You didn't have a choice?

No.
No?

I didn't find out
I was undocumented

until I wanted to enlist
in the military and I couldn't.

And the option that the
recruiter gave me was like,

"Well, you can marry me,"

because some people want to
take advantage of the situation.

But I don't want to do that.

I don't want to marry
because of that.

And it's like,
is that my only option?

And I know that it's reality
to a lot of women like me

because we, in a way,
we don't have a voice

because we don't have
a security number.

We can't vote.

We can't do a lot of things.

She wants to go to college.

She wants to help out
the American economy,

the American community.

She's an American.

She wasn't born on this side
of the river,

but she's an American.

Ross: Our president has dropped
any protections

that keep these kids
from being deported.

But where would they go?

They've never lived
anywhere else.

Even some of his supporters
think that's fucked.

What about these DREAMer kids?

They've got a right to be here.

They do?

It wasn't their choice
to come to the U.S.

Yeah.
They didn't break the law.

It was their parents' choice...
Their parents broke the law.

...that brought them here.

As far as I'm concerned,
they're part of our society.

Back in the day, we used
to let everybody in, man.

That's how America was.

If you made it to Ellis Island,
Statue of Liberty,

we might make you wait
on line for a couple days,

and we might give you
a new name when you got there,

but you go
in the country, right?

"I am ."

"All right:
'Sharon Goldberg'.

Welcome to America.
Come on."

Where would we be
without immigrants, man?

This country would be not
anything like it is now.

Immigrants help build
this country, you know?

Think about it.

Without the Irish immigrants,
we would have no AA.

Without the Asian immigrants,
we'd have no happy endings.

Without the Jews, nobody
would've invented complaining.

And without the Italian
immigrants,

crime would still
be disorganized.

"Giuseppe, why do you
keep robbing

the same bank every day?"

"I'm sorry, Don Fanucci.
I'm not organized."

Yeah.

We're a nation of hypocrites
because the used to force people

to come to this country.

Shout out to the black dude
with the shitty seat.

We kidnapped people in Africa

and forced them
to immigrate to America.

The most messed up thing
we could possibly do, we did it.

Black people overcame that.

They got their rights.

They added so much
to this country.

I mean, jazz, and hip hop,
and Air Jordans,

and perhaps the greatest
president of our time,

Bill Clinton.

But you guys, man,
the Mexican people.

We need to keep
the Mexican people

and bring Mexican
people to America

because you're the best
business people in the world.

Mexican people took
four ingredients

and turned it into
40,000 restaurants.

And guacamole is extra!

I love people.
I'm the son of a caterer.

I love parties,
a fiesta.

I want everybody
to come in, you know?

And we have to learn from
our mistakes in this country

because back in the day,

when the Jewish people
wanted to escape the Nazis,

we sent them back.

And now these Syrian refugees
want to come here,

and people say,

"No. We can't absorb the Syrian
refugees. We're not big enough."

We are big enough.
We're a huge country.

We can absorb everybody
that wants to come here.

And I'll prove it.

A hundred and
something years ago,

Norway, the country
of Norway, right?

One day, nine percent of
the population of Norway said,

"Fuck this 'Game of
Thrones'-ass, cold-ass Norway."

And they came
to the United States.

Four generations
of Norwegians in America.

I have yet to meet one
of these motherfuckers.

They're not...
Where my Norwegians at?

One lying Mexican in the back.

Anybody here from Matamoros?
That's cool.

So you walked over the bridge
to come to my show, bro?

I love that, man.

Somebody told me Matamoros

is the fastest-growing
city in Mexico.

You know why?
I think I know why.

Because Mexicans love to fuck.

We're crossing into Mexico.

Matamoros, which is
the sister city of Brownsville.

Essentially, one community
separated by the river

and connected by bridges.

It's not a place that you
would want to come and visit.

Then why are we going?

We're going to go meet
with a group of migrants

who have been deported
from the United States.

People who live here
know how to read

when situations get violent,

so you can sense when
people start to get tense.

I did notice that Matamoros is
on the U.S. State Department

list of places Americans
should not visit.

Yes.
There's a reason for that.

There has been a reshuffling
of the cartels.

So they've been going
after the kingpins,

and what that has caused
is power vacuums

that allow other cartels
to step in into territories.

So what you're seeing right now
is the border towns

are seeing a spike
in violence and murders.

As long as we get out
before nightfall, we'll be good.

Here we go.

**

Thank you for letting me
talk to you.

With this new president
in America,

people are forgetting
how important immigrants

are to America,

so I wanted to see
what was happening here

to better understand
what's happening where I live.

You've been deported, huh?

[ Interpreting
in Spanish ]

Si.

From where?

You were working there?
Roofer.

Roofer?
Yeah.

Hard work.
Yeah. Hard work.

So, what, do they just find you,
or they just grab you,

or how do they know
where you are?

You scared?

You have children?

I have two.
Two?

And they're in America?

Wow.

Five years.
What's going to happen now?

When will you see your family?

[ Muciño interpreting
in Spanish ]

Ross: That's terrible.
I'm sorry.

Why did you go to the
United States the first time?

[ Muciño interpreting
in Spanish ]

How long were you there?

Bitch! Fucking bitch!

Thank you very much.

He says, "God bless all of you,

and I'm going to say hello to

the president of
the United States.

Yeah. Man.
I did my research on this.

If we let all the undocumented
people just stay,

it would help our economy
over 10 years

by over a trillion dollars.

160,000 new jobs every year.

If only we had a businessman
who became president

that could help us
figure that out.

Yeah.
I've roasted Donald Trump twice.

I've known him for 15 years.

I feel like any second,
he's going to call me up

and offer me a Cabinet position.

"Jeff, I need three insults
about North Korea

by noon tomorrow.

You're my new Secretary
of Offense."

I'm helping Donald Trump
with his new book.

It's called, "Mein Kampf
is Bigger Than Your Kampf."

Donald Trump always looks like
he's trying to figure out

who farted.

Yeah. I've roasted Donald Trump
and he became President.

I roasted Justin Bieber,

and he had the number
one album in the world.

I roasted Charlie Sheen,

and he got AIDS.

Hey, I'm doing my part, America.

What the fuck are you
doing with your life?

You're a Trump supporter.
You've got your hat on.

Absolutely.
That's right.

"Make America Great Again."
You got it.

I've known him a long time,
and at times,

he can be the most
charming guy in the world.

But with certain subjects, he
can be kind of downright mean.

What would you say
to Mexican-Americans

who have been trashed
by Trump supporters?

You know, that could hurt.

He's talking about criminals.

Right.

Illegal criminals,
not Mexicans, not Latinos.

And, you know, there's a right
way to get into America.

Yeah.
You file your paperwork.

You get in line
like everybody else,

and get, you know,
get your citizenship.

You don't know who's
coming across.

That's why we need a wall.

I mean, we have one here.

It's obviously
not doing its job.

So another one would be just
double not doing its job, right?

What's the price of security?

Well, there's also a respect for
humanity and that kind of thing.

The way he talks about it...

We're not... He's talking
about criminals.

We have enough of our own.
We don't need to import them.

We got plenty
of American criminals.

Patrick, what's this...

Does this stir up
any thoughts in your head?

You fought for this country.
I mean...

There is a right way
to do things.

There's a lot of people
that are just trying to make it.

You already have tunnel
systems that's used

by coyotes to get
people through,

and that's used
to get drugs through.

So there are bigger issues
than building a wall.

What was that?

That's Border Patrol
on the water.

Instead of building a wall
to keep people out,

if the government fined
or arrested people

who hire illegals,

illegals would eventually
run out of work and self-deport.

Wouldn't that work?

But that's actually
on the books right now

in our laws of the government.

I don't remember ever seeing one
of them get fined for anything.

What do you think
we should do?

Build Border Patrol academies.

Academies?
Academies.

Train the officers
right here on the river.

If you've got eyes
on the ground,

boots on the ground,
you don't need that wall.

If I was in charge, I would mix
Homeland Security

with Social Security.

Yeah.

When people retire,
you give them a lounge chair

and some binoculars
and you put them on the border.

You man, get off my fence!

Who else is here, I wonder.

Where my coyotes at?

I'm just shocked at how easy
it is in this spot.

Man: Both of these.

You would see,
they'd put a raft,

hide a raft behind that
little building right there.

Yeah.
And he could be a scout.

There's scouts
watching us right now.

There's another car over here
by the the mesquite tree.

He's probably a scout.
I see him.

Yeah.

They're watching us just
for that particular moment

that they can just...

5 minute window,
or whatever it takes to get,

you know, a group across.

Toys.

That's what you see.

It's such in a hurry,
probably at night,

they didn't see it drop out.

But there you go.

But yeah, look how thick
this is right here.

Yeah.
I'm keeping this.

Makes you think of any snakes
in there,

or spiders or
anything like that.

If you can...
Or Mexicans.

Well, probably, too.

You told me you saw a woman
crossing with, like,

the placenta still
coming out of her.

Yes. She was transported across
the river in a jet ski.

In a jet ski?
Yeah.

It's not just Mexican people

that you're apprehending
over here.

No.
All over the world, right?

Central America, Honduras,
San Salvador, Nicaragua.

People from Brazil.
People from Chile.

We've had Iraqis come over here.
We've had Chinese.

We've had Koreans.

You've seen Iraqis and Chinese
come over this way?

Here we've got a lot of Chinese.

Really?
Chinese coming across, yes.

What about these coyotes
that I keep hearing about?

Well, coyotes basically...

Like, the worst travel
agent in the world.

They're the ones that basically
are paid to get people across.

See, there's a jet ski
right there right now.

There he goes. You know, he just
shot across right now.

So in the four years
you've been a coyote,

how many people do you think
you've brought over to America?

Man, thousands of people.

Thousands?
Yeah.

Lots. Yeah.
Thousands?

You ever stay in touch
with the people?

Do you know if they made it?
Do you know if they lived?

Do you know if they...
No, not really, no.

Not at all.
No, just pick up, drop off.

Never see me again.

You carry a gun
when you do this?

Like, who protects
you from them?

Nobody.
What if they turn on you?

They won't. They're more
scared than doing that

because when you go
to the people to get transported

and stuff like that, you have
to go through a process.

They need pictures.
They need addresses.

They need phone numbers.
They need everything.

If even you have kids, they need
pictures of your kids, family,

mom, dad, everything.

So if you decided you want
to run and not pay,

they've got your family
right there.

Wow.
You're in dangerous work, dude.

Yeah. It's pretty dangerous
and sometimes, like,

when people don't pay
and stuff, too,

you have to hold them
for a little bit.

Sometimes they don't come up
with the money completely

and that's another thing
we got to be doing, too,

taking care of them
for a couple days

until they come up
with the rest of the money.

And if they don't pay,
and the family doesn't have it,

what do you do?
Now you own them.

Yeah.
Pretty much.

What do you do with them?
Put them to work.

Put them to work?

Like, kids and stuff?

Yeah.
Anything.

That's crazy.
Yeah. Sure is.

So, in a way,
you're kidnapping, too.

Pretty much.

How do you feel about that?

It's not good but it's
money in the pocket.

Do you sleep okay?

Yeah.
Sure do.

That's crazy.
What about this wall?

Do you think this wall is
going to mess up your living?

Psht, it ain't going to
stop nothing.

You're exactly the reason
Trump wants to build a wall.

It ain't going to
stop nobody.

It's just another wall.
That's it.

You going to go under it,
around it?

Under, around it, through it,
there's always a way.

Always a way.

If the president was
watching you right now,

what would you tell him?

Kiss my ass.

Yeah, I don't like
the president too much,

but, you know what,
better him than Hillary,

I'll tell you that much.
Why is that?

I don't know. I just,
I don't know about

a woman being,
well, her being the President.

I don't think so.
Her, or any woman?

Naw, just her.
Just her.

She was too...
shiesty.

"Shiesty."
As if you're not shiesty.

Yeah.

You're the shiestiest guy
I've ever met.

Probably.

When you buy a car, is the first
thing you check the trunk space?

No.

Yeah, man. These coyotes,
I've been doing my research.

What a crazy thing that is, man.

That's a rough trip over the
border with these coyotes, man.

People in America, the rest
of America have no idea, man.

They think United Airlines
treats their passengers bad.

United might drag you
off the plane,

but they're never going to
shove coke up your ass

and stuff you into the overhead
compartment for a couple weeks.

Where my, uh...
Let's see...

You know, where my Muslims at?

For real?
Man: Yeah!

What's up, dude?

I'm not into banning people.
I think that's wrong.

The Muslim ban feels
immoral to me.

It feels un-American to ban
people from six different

Muslim countries.

You know, you can't...
if you ban...

It would be so bad
for the economy

to ban all the people
from Iran and Syria and Yemen.

That's a trillion dollars
in laser hair removal

down the drain.

We're never going to see
that money again.

Many people come over the border

because they're
escaping political

or religious
persecution back home.

I went to a shelter to see
what it's like

to live like a refugee.

Where are we?

Woman: This is Casa Marianella,

and we're a shelter
for immigrants and refugees

here in Austin.

So come on in.

Trick or treat.
Hi, guys.

How are you doing?
Good.

Jeff, nice to meet you.

How do people find this place
if they need it?

Generally, they all find us in
immigration detention centers.

So when people come to the
border and they ask for asylum,

they immediately
get put in prison.

And they're there for
anywhere from 3 months

to a year and a half or so.

Wow.

While they're being
screened, you know,

extreme vetting
and all that.

Yeah.

We take people to their
immigration hearings.

We take people to
their ICE check-ins,

and ICE actually
releases people to us.

So, an ICE's van will pull up
here and deliver someone?

Yeah. They do. They'll drop
people off in chains.

Yeah.

And then how do you
vet them to come in here?

We don't.
What's the process to get in?

We don't do any vetting.

We're an emergency shelter,
so it's based on need.

How do you know they're,
I don't know...

We haven't had any problems with
anybody, so, they're all good.

So here's one of our bedrooms.

Knock, knock.

You're braiding hair.

Can you do me next?

No.
Wow.

One, two, three, four,
six beds in here, huh?

Yeah. Yeah
It's pretty tight.

How you doing?
I'm Jeff.

Nice to meet you.
Where are you ladies from?

Nice.
From Ethiopia.

And these guys, the four
of them all came

from immigration
detention centers.

Wow.
Why prison?

It's just criminal to come
and try to just come here?

You didn't try to sneak in?
You try to just come, right?

Yeah. They just came to
the border

and asked for refugee status.

Where are you ladies from?

Eritrea? Why did you ladies
leave Eritrea to come here?

Yeah.

The pastors are all in prison?
Yes.

How did you get out?

But did you have to escape?

Long: Yeah. They shoot you if
they catch you leaving.

So brave.

I get so scared to get out
of my regular comfort zone,

and if someone told me
I had to escape from my country,

I don't know what I would do.

Are you religious, ladies?

Yeah.
They're all very religious.

What religion,
if you don't mind?

Christian Orthodox.

Wow.

How about you, Pamela?
What's your religion?

Everybody understands me.
It's amazing.

I'm so impressed.

You learn the English here.

Yeah. Most of the Africans
speak a lot of languages.

How many do you guys speak?

Whoa. Slow down.
Slow down.

Arabic, Italian...

Spanish?
English.

You should be a teacher.

Was it hard to come here?
Was it scary?

Before Ethiopia through Sudan.

After Sudan, Libya.

After Libya, Italy.

Wow...
After in Italy, Spanish.

Spain. After Spain, Mexico.
After Mexico, here.

You must have a lot
of frequent flyer miles.

Yes.

Ross:
All these women have jobs,

so when people talk
about banning refugees,

that includes ladies like these,

hard-working people who
would make fine citizens.

What a blessing this place is.

When I was researching
this show, I met two women

in a safe house in Texas, here,

they were from
a country called Eritrea,

a country I had never
heard of before.

They were escaping terrible
violence and oppression,

and, you know, I felt
for those women,

and they're coming to America
because we're doing so well here

with equal rights,
and human rights.

But we're not going all the way.

Like, if I was in charge,
men wouldn't even vote on

women's health
and reproductive issues.

I think --

I think that's
a ladies-only topic.

You know, I don't think men
can tell women

what to do with your bodies.

It doesn't even work
when we try to tell you

what to do with our bodies.

Personally, I'm not
pro-life or pro-choice.

I'm pro-"you-take-care-of-it."

We got so many special guests
and fun people here.

I want to try speed-roasting
some volunteers from the crowd.

Speed roasting, it's kind
of like extreme vetting.

You can't point
to somebody, sir.

That's bullying.

That's bullying.
You can't do that.

You can't do that.
All right.

Everybody move up
to the front here.

Give it up for my volunteers
for coming out.

Look at this guy.
How you doing, bud?

Pretty good.
What's your name?

Erasmo Castro.

I'm running for
City Commissioner

for the city of Brownsville,
so get out and vote.

Whoo!

Wow.
Really?

They let homeless people
in the government?

Really?

You're running for
City Commissioner?

You're the size of your
own sanctuary city.

Holy mackerel.

Well, good luck to you, buddy.

All right.
My abuela?

Is this my abuela?

Oh, sorry.
Sorry.

What's going on?
How you doing

My daughter wanted
you to roast me?

Really?
I don't want to roast you.

I want to put my pinky
in your butt.

I love sexy,
older Mexican women.

What do you do?

I used to be an office manager
and now I'm retired.

Oh, that's nice.

Do you like being retired.

Do you like having your pinky
in my butt right now?

Feels really good.

I hope so.

Good.

Hang out for a second.

Maybe you could give some advice
to this young gringa right here.

Holy shit.

Is this a photo negative?

What do you do?

I'm a lawyer.

Holy mackerel.
A lawyer.

Steve, another lawyer.
You've got some competition.

This is my friend, Steve.
He's a local immigration lawyer.

Criminal.
Criminal lawyer.

This is my buddy, Steve.

You heard of ambulance
He's a raft-chaser over here.

So you're a lawyer
and you live down here, huh?

Born and raised
in the Valley, yeah.

And you're so bilingual.

Is that because
you're raised here?

I'm second generation
Mexican-American.

Yes.
I'm learning.

I'm learning about how it
all works and stuff like that.

So even though you look like
you're from Norway...

You're actually a second
generation Mexican-American.

We all come in different colors
and shapes and sizes.

You come in like,
three of your own right here.

Damn.

You look super cute.
Do you have a boyfriend?

No.
I'm single as fuck!

Single as fuck.

Do you want to meet
my abuela?

She'll look out for me.
I know she would.

She can hold the camera
if you want.

Whatever you want to do.

It's all fine.

I need a lawyer in my life.

I need a lawyer
in my life.

Where are we at, Steve?

Steve's a local
immigration attorney.

He helps a lot of people
out here, and, you know,

he does very well mostly

just bailing his brothers
out of jail.

But...

Why do you love being an
attorney and helping people out,

trying to come into America?

Why do you love it?

Because everybody is afraid
of the Border Patrol

coming to their house,
what are we going to do?

Blah, blah, blah.

But when you let them know,
you know what,

you have a right
not to say anything.

You have a right to not
let them in your house,

and stuff like that,
that empowers them

and it makes them feel better.

And, in turn, I feel better
because of that.

Every single case
is different, right?

Everyone's case is unique,

but every case has
the same ending, right?

"That'll be $800."

What's up, Tony?
How you doing, Tony?

Good.
These are my friends

Tony and Melissa.
I visited them

while I was
in Brownsville this week.

Give it up for Tony and Melissa.

They got married yesterday.
Is that right?

Yeah.
Married yesterday?

Congratulations.
Thank you.

Thank you so much.

What made you two finally want
to roll down the aisle?

That's too much, Councilman?

Future ex

Wow.

I love that your
honeymoon is a trip

to fucking Hope Park to see me.

Who's this creepy guy
right here?

Come here, bud.

My name is Joe Lee Rubio.

Joe Lee Rubio?
Yeah.

And what's your story?

I'm a member of the Brownsville
Beautification Committee.

I'm going to do him a favor.

You're a maybe of the what?

Brownsville Beautification
Committee.

Brownsville Bike and Pedestrian
Advisory Committee.

I love how you massaged me
while you told me that.

Oh, that feels so good.

Your breath smells
like his balls.

That's all I'm saying,
which smell like tequila.

I don't know what's going on
with these two.

Well, you know how
it is, you know?

We love to promote Brownsville.

Okay.
We're doing it right now.

And we're glad your here.
Thank you very much.

We're glad your here,
and this is Hope Park.

Beautiful.
It's one of the first projects

that the Beautification
Committee

did in the city of Brownsville.

Why do they call it Hope Park?

Because they
Hope you go to rehab?

Come on!
I'm teasing.

I'm teasing.
Everybody, no.

I'm teasing.

I'm teasing.
I'm teasing.

This is a night to come out
and have a good time,

and he's in the spirit.

What's your name, dude?

Victor Hugo Jarmillo.

How old are you, bud?
You mind if I ask?

Yeah.
Eighteen.

Eighteen years old?

And how many pubic
hairs do you have?

That's confidential.

I like your style, bud.

What are your dreams?

Are you a Mexican --
a Mexican

Yeah.
Fuck yeah, man.

Yeah?

Well, I want to be an actor,
hopefully, so...

That's cool.
I like you a lot.

You could be like Juan-ny Depp.

I like you a lot, too, dude.

Are we going to hang out
after the show?

We'll hit Galaxy bowling alley.

Look for some chicks.

You want to smoke?

Yeah.
I want to smoke out with you.

If we sit here long enough,
some will probably

come over the fucking fence.

I got you, there.

This guy back here, too?

No wonder you're on
the Beautification Committee.

Everything looks good
from your perspective.

Come here. Come here.
Come here. Come here.

What's your name?
Hazel.

Hazel.
Give it up for Hazel.

I'm the only Asian here I think.

I don't know.

You're the only Asian here.

Do you live...
Where do you live?

I live here.
Oh, wow.

So you know you're
the only Asian here.

And how long
have you been Asian?

Um...
Since I was born, I guess.

I don't know.
Let me ask my mom.

You got more Asian
when you answered that.

What's your name? Hazel.
What do you do, Hazel?

I'm a nurse.
A nurse? That's awesome.

Here in Brownsville
at that hospital I saw?

It's amazing.

I saw people literally in scrubs
like walking over the bridge,

so people go back and forth

and work in both communities
and stuff like that.

So, do you have people
from the Mexican side come over

and work with you
at the hospital on this side?

Yeah.
They get deported.

I'm just kidding.
I don't know.

You're a real crowd-pleaser,
Hazel.

You really know
how to work a park.

What's it like living here on a
border town for an Asian woman?

Our culture is similar
to what they're doing here.

It's similar to the Philippines,
so we get along really good.

Good.
We all have to get along, right?

We've got to live here

whether we like it or not,
right, Hazel?

You're cute.
Do you have a boyfriend?

I have a husband.
A husband?

How much longer?

How do you feel about
18

I'm older than him.

I just look young
because I'm Asian.

Well maybe you can love him
long time until he's old enough?

Come on.
Too soon?

No.
That's your middle name, right?

Let's talk eye-to-eye.

I'm Jeff.

Hi, Jeff.
How you doing?

I'm good.

Are you going to read a poem?

"Love is endless
beyond this life.

Hate is forever
in this world."

I love that.
Thank you for that.

That's my darling love's
words over there.

I want everyone to know
how much I love him.

Oh, my God.
Come here.

Come here.

Your lady is calling you up here
with a love poem, bro.

Wow.
How you doing, man?

Come up here for a second.

You're the cutest couple ever.

Wow.

You're lovers but you
look like sisters.

We're all brothers
and sisters here.

All right.
Wow.

Holy mackerel.

She's deep, dude.

The question is
how deep are you?

That's the question.

How deep is your love?

That's what into have to ask you

because his love runs deep,
deeper than the ancient times.

Holy shit.

She's dropping some
Aztec shit on me.

Fucking Mayans up in this bitch.

Tonight, the two of you
are going to have

the hottest sex
of your entire relationship.

And listen to me.

When you're making love
tonight after my show,

will you think of me?

I feel love is in the air.

304, 305.

She's what?

Oh.
It's your lucky day.

We've got one
illegal alien female

who is 9 months pregnant,

any day delivery.

**

Hola.
Hi.

Me llamo Jeff.

I'm Jeff.
Hello.

Elcy.
Nice to meet you.

Can I say hi?

Nice to meet you.

Can I wait here?

Where you from?

Honduras.
Honduras?

Yes.
Are you having a boy or a girl?

Si.
El nino or el nina?

Congratulations.
That's awesome.

Gracias.
You happy to be here?

[ Man interpreting
in Spanish ]

You wanted your baby
to be born in America, huh?

[ Man interpreting
in Spanish ]

Of course. Por supuesto.

The greatest place.

What does America mean to you?

[ Man interpreting
in Spanish ]

It's a great hill for people
from another country.

There's a lot of good
people here.

Yeah.
Si.

What's your dream now?
What's your American dream?

[ Man interpreting
in Spanish ]

Congratulations on the baby
and the United States.

Congratulations.
Welcome.

Gracias.
Okay.

I went out with the constables,

and they let me ride around
with them along the river,

and I saw toys.

I grabbed a little
stuffed animal.

People, I guess, kids
when they come over,

they drop stuff on the ground.

There's shoes.

So I put this little
stuffed animal here

to remind me how hard it is
to come into this country.

Coming down here this week
really made me appreciate

how lucky I am
that I was born here.

I really do feel lucky,

and this really is
the greatest country on Earth.

And I think it's important
that we do everything

we can to protect it,

but not just our borders.

Our laws, our health,
our humanity,

we have to protect
all these things

because at the end of the day,
we're just people, right?

We're just people.

Some are a little uglier
than others.

Mexican Shrek in the front row.

But we're all just people
and we have to live her together

whether we like it or not.

So if you did come to
this country illegally,

on behalf of tax-paying
Americans, I ask you, work hard.

Love your country, and don't be
a pendejo.

Because this country
is yours too, now.

* This land is your land,
this land is my land *

* Even though we stole it *

* From the Native Americans *

* From the Oval Office *

* To the Texas border *

* This land was made
for you and me *

* From Albert Einstein *

* To Drake and Rihanna *

* To Arnold Schwarzenegger *

* And Mildred, his Latina
housekeeper turned baby mama *

* They all came here *

* From shittier place *

* Because this land is
where they want to be *

Sorry, Mexico.

I hate to break it
to you but...

* This land ain't your land *

If you're listening
on the other side...

* I'm sorry for the drama *

* I bet you miss Obama *

[ Laughter, cheering,
applause ]

Shout out to the immigrants
who came to the America

and do the jobs that Americans
don't want to do,

like marry the President.

I left the border
wishing we were all more

like the people
of the Rio Grande Valley:

Informed, patriotic people
with different opinions,

living side-by-side, respecting
one another's realities,

and even laughing
at the same things.

I always say, "Comedy brings
people together."

Nobody wants bad hombres
getting in,

and I'm no politician
or security expert,

but it seems obvious that we,
the people, need to find safer

and more dignified ways
for good folks

from every origin
to come to America

to pursue their freedom
and their dreams,

just like my family did.

As for Elcy, the next night
in the detention center,

she gave birth to a big,
fat Texan baby girl.

And on behalf of all
the undocumented people I met,

I challenge
our elected officials

to remember where
their ancestors came from,

and to be more compassionate

when writing their
speeches and their laws.

Roast on, America.

Roast on.

Give us your tired,
your poor, your hungry.

First round is on me.

I love you, guys!

Thank you for coming
to the show.

I appreciate you so, so much.

Thank you for coming.

Appreciate it.

Man: Jeff!

Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! Jeff!

Thanks, man.

Can you sign this
for my girlfriend?

Yeah. Sure, man.
Fucking A, man!

Thanks, man.

**

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Enough with the bread, already.