Original subtitles

You should've seen me last night at O'Malley's I sat there with the band !

Okay, I didn't do anything But I sat there !

Geez, Berg, I'm sorry I missed it but...

You know what ? It hit me the other day... I'm actually here to get a degree !

Hey! Come watch softball with me today

Hey! I gotta go to class !

Berg, we can't all be philosophy majors

Look, it's not my fault a bunch of guys in sandals did my homework for me

four thousand years ago

That's mine

Ehhh...

So, what do you plan to do after grad school?

Why can't you just let me be happy?

Because it's not fair to the rest of us!

I mean, you triple majored in undergrad and you never even opened up a book!

That's...the wonder of me!

No, that's not the wonder of you! That's the trouble with you!

See, you're always skating by...and someday -- SOMEDAY -- you're gonna hit a rough spot

Who poured you a double mocha of grumpy this morning?

I'm not grumpy... It's just...

I spent all night on this, I've got a test in structures, we have to be at work at three, and..

I'm breaking up with Melissa today

Oh, boy...

we have to be at work at three?

I'm breaking up with Melissa today?!

One hole! C'mon! Berg, I can't be late

When Sharon stops down we'll make her give us a ride

What makes you think she's gonna stop down?

I stole her last roll of toilet paper

Berg, I'm not in the mood...

So what the hell's going on with you and Melissa, huh?

I don't know -- look, next week is our six-month anniversary and the lease is up on Hong Kong.

- Huh? - China's taking back the lease on Hong Kong

Really? I never knew the Chinese were leasing

I mean, think about all those people, who worked so hard to make Hong Kong what it is, right? For what?They have no future! It's just like Melissa and me

I mean, if I was meant to spend my life with her, I'd be thinking about getting married by now! Now, do you see me shopping for a ring? Nooooooo

...thusly, we are living in Hong Kong, waiting for our lease to run out.

Quit thinking so much! You like her, she adores you...screw the future

One under!

Look, look...Melissa's terrific. But she's just...she's not 'The One'

8:45. All is clear

8:45. All is clear

Since when do you have asthma?

Berg, you've gotta stop doing these experiments, you're gonna hurt yourself!

It pays 50 bucks!

But you don't have asthma!

Don't need it! You know they always say not to exceed the recommended daily dosage?

Yeah?

Well, I'm the guy...who exceeds it so they know why you shouldn't!

Well, I'm the guy who had to drive you to the hospital when that new foot spray made your toenails fall off!

They grew back thicker!

Berg, you just can't!

You hate being single! No, don't change the subject!

Dating, getting used to someone, finding out their quirks..

What's Melissa's?

What?

Quirk

Nothing

Peter, we don't play that

All right, but you can't tell anyone

Soon as you tell me, I'm chopping off my tongue

- Melissa... - Yeah.

When we're...you know, going at it? Yeah?

She starts to laugh, but like...uncontrollably

Sharon!.....

You guys suck!

So sex makes Melissa happy

No, no, no, no, no...no...we are way past happy This is psychotic. It's maniacal. It's like...

THAT'S what that is?!

Did you put the seat back up? Why do we suck?

Because,we all graduated together, yet I have to put on heels, which I hate;

and go out into the real world and sell chemicals, which I hate; while you two knuckleheads get to play golf...which I also hate

Yeah, but you make like a bazillion dollars!

Selling my soul! Look, if I close this deal today I make commission on 500 gallons of toxic cleaner I'm selling to some oil rig

So...I can enjoy a weekend at the Cape, while killing off all sea life between here and Guam --ugh, I hate myself!

But you love your Beamer!

Hey, why don't you drop me off when you take Pete to class?

What, I'm taking Pete to class??

That's perfect! Let's us be off, huh?

- Pete's breaking up with Melissa today. - Good!

- Good? You said liked her?! - Lied!

- So? - So? How'd she take it?

I'd say pretty well.

You didn't do it

No.....but I made a lunch date to do it here

What are you doing?

Oh,oh...I've got everything planned out. The blue cards, why it's best for her; the yellows, why we should stay friends; and the pinks...

..things to say when she starts to cry.

You know, this behavior reflects badly on both of us

Hey, Bill, you know I'm thinking it might be time to spring for some new cushions!

- Hmmm...good idea, and maybe some curtains, and a little paint job too - There ya go!

Yeah, maybe we should think up a new name,

because I tell you what it won't be Beacon Street Pizza no more! It won't be the same place my daddy built! Here build your own damn place!

Good going Pete!

I didn't even--

Ahhh! What's with him?

He breaking up with Melissa

What does he want to do that for?

He feels she's not 'The One'

Tell him to shut up

Hey Pete! I found you that article on Marlon Brando's trainer!

Thanks, Mr. Bauer.Why is he always bringing me things?

He loves you

He's delusional! He constantly telling me stories about his life that I know are from movies!

You don't *know* that

Berg, there was no way he was one of the Apple Dumpling Gang

Incoming...

Aw, Melissa...she wore her hair down

I just want you to know I support you a hundred percent. Bill, it's starting!

Hey! Hey sweetie! Hey Bill! Hi Mr. Bauer! Berg

My class made you cookies.

Aww.....

They shouldn't have

They love you. 'Cause they know I love you

Melissa, you know how the lease is running out on Hong Kong?

Sure...

Well --

Although there is that stipulation that China has to ensure the preservation of Hong Kong's way of life both socially and economically for at least another 50 years.

So...Hong Kong's still gonna be Hong Kong?

- Yeah. Of course - God, you're smart

-What are these? ...Ooh! Sorry! Are you okay?

Yeah, I was trying to hand them to you!

Spilling the water? Bill, what do you make of that?

Take him out, he's done

Bill, I don't believe we've seen the last of this *feisty* young girl from Wisconsin!

Don't talk into the food

Very smooth

Look, I can't do this with you guys leering!

I always leer. She'd be suspicious if I weren't leering

-- she'd be like, 'Why isn't Berg leering?" Berg Leering...isn't that a type of Merlot?

Maybe it's a Cabernet... 3:10 -- starting to babble

Uh, Pete -- you'd better get back in there before Bauer steals your woman

I thought I told you no more experiments. They interfere with your work

This is harmless !

Yeah, that's what you said when you couldn't get your sweat glands to stop

I had to follow you around with a mop!

The shark's coming right at me. And...I only have one bullet left. I think, 'Ohh, I'm a goner

Then I see the oxygen tank in its mouth -- what do you think I do?

You shot the tank and the shark blew up!

I shot the tank!

And the shark blew up!

You're a brave man, Mr. Bauer

And then, you and Richard Dreyfuss swam back to shore. Thanks a lot, Mr. Bauer

Oh, that was a hell of a day!

You are a lucky guy

Yeah...

What is with you today? Is there something you want to tell me?

No...

Are you trying to break up with me?

NO! Not at all! Why, are we having problems?

No, you're just acting weird

Hey Berg, what have you done to him?

Hey, this one isn't me, 'cause I'm the one who said he shouldn't break up with you!

NO!!..

- I don't believe you! - No, I wasn't! He's evil!

He may be evil, but at least he's honest!.. This is so... uh!.. Move! You're just so screwed up...

You know, I don't want to hear it. The hell with you, life's short, Pete. See ya around

Melissa --

Ten years from now -- when you're fat, and alone, and you have to wear a baseball cap at Club Med to hide your hair transplants; remember

-- you had a good thing here and you blew it

I don't believe it! She broke up with me! I just got dumped

Boy, did you ever!

And in front of everybody, too!

So, did you get the account?

Yep. One more client for me, one less species of bird

Sharon, if you don't like it, quit

Life's a waste unless you're doing what you love

You're right. I mean, I can do anything I want! I'm smart!

Absolutely right

- I'm motivated! - Yes, you are.

I'm a people person!

I gotta go back and count my pepperonis

I am! Aren't I Berg?

Sharon?...

You're a lot of things, but people person? It's goes the Unabomber, then you.

- Hey... - No!

That's why we love you

- how was the delivery? - Fine

- Traffic? - Not bad

The toppings slide?

Little bit

Gees, you two fight like a couple of broads! Kick his ass, Pete!

I can't...he's wearing my shirt

I can't believe you're mad at me

-- isn't that what you wanted? I mean, one minute you're gonna to break up with her, the next minute she breaks up with you

And you flip out

He has a point

Berg, you should've just minded your own damn business

Ah, he's gotcha there!

I mean, when she walked out of here, I had an epiphany

I mean, how many Melissas are there in the world?? What's wrong with me??

I'll tell you what's wrong with you, okay? You keep saying Melissa's not 'The One", when in reality you know she is 'The One', and you're scared to death of it

Ding, ding, ding! Berg wins!

All right...cover for me...

Where are you going?

Over to Melissa's to blame the whole thing on you -- if there's anything she'll believe, it's that.

Uh, no she won't

Why not?

Right now, if I'm little miss "Yippie, I get summers off!"

I'm thinking...'maybe I over-reacted'. Then you come through the door blaming it all on Berg, which says to me that you did in fact want to break up and you need your buddy to do it for you.

Thank you so much. Thank you so much for destroying my future

Future-killer!

You know, I was in love once...

...we shared a flat in France. Then the war came -- all hell broke loose... ...Somehow.. I found my self in Morocco running a night club.

when she walked back into my life......but by then she was married

Don't do what I did, son...don't let her get on that plane!!

It's okay, Mr. Bauer

you'll always have Paris

Pete, delivery

Let me take this one...I want to see if I can operate heavy machinery

Fine

I'll just assume the "Drive Safe" is implied

Berg

Thank you, I'd love to

So, let me guess he sent you to make up with me?

He doesn't know I'm here...

...ooh! Oranges!

Why are you here?

Look, Mel...I'm no expert on relationships --

This just in

But I am an expert on Pete. Okay? And sometimes, he just gets a little confused, is all.

-Give the guy a break -- I mean, I'm the one who blew it -Look.. Admit it... You're just here to make yourselft feel better, Berg.

-That's right! I feel better when you guys are together -Give me a break, Berg!

I do! It makes my best friend happy

Look...you know like in tag -- where's that place where you're safe, where they can't get you?

- Home base? - Home base. Pete is my home base

I mean, I wouldn't get to be me, if he wasn't him

And someday, I hope I'll find someone like you

And when I blow it...

which I will...

I know he'll go over and make her realize that there's something here worth saving

Wow...I've never known you to be so open

Me neither...

- oh, God... - What?

7:48 -- having used...800 times the normal recommended daily dosage

Now experiencing a side effect, feeling extremely honest and uh, forthright

I've never been more afraid in my life

Berg, this has sodium penathate in it

- Truth serum - So...you have to tell the truth?

Noo....yeah. Wooo!

Ha!!!

Last Wednesday, when Pete was supposed to take me to the gallery opening?

I've gotta go

And he called me and told me that you had an allergic reaction to shellfish and had to rushed to the hospital?

We were at the dog track

And last week, when he couldn't make it to my cousin's engagement party because you guys were collecting toys for the orphanage?

- We were playing Pop-n-Shot at O'Malley's - I knew it!

You have to understand -- it was for the World Championship of all ...time!

Hm, hm, hm...

What does he tell you about me ?

- Everything -Like what, everything?

Like the first time he saw you, he said he actually felt his heart stop

Really?

And you...do a phenomenal Linda Rondstat imitation

Aww...Pete!

And he hates sushi...

...but goes with you all the time because he knows you love it

Why didn't he say anything?!

And you laugh like a mad scientist during sex!

I did a bad thing...

Who, Berg...who did you do a bad thing to?

Yes!...

God, Berg, what more could you have done to me today?!

Please, do not tell me you went over to Melissa's...

Aw, Berg!

I didn't want you blaming me for screwing up the rest of your life, so I went over there to get your guys back together!

And?! And she *never* wants to speak you again!

- Berg, what did you tell her? - Everything

It wasn't me -- it was the asthma inhaler. It had side effects it's like a truth serum

Berg, what did you tell her?!

I...I told where you really were last Saturday

Oh, God... I told her about the laughing...

You WHAT?!

You know, when you guys have sex?

She laughs like a crazy lady in an attic

God, so THAT'S what that is!

- Do you still have to tell the truth? - I'm not sure. Ask me if I like your hair this way

- Do you like my hair this way? - Yes. Very much.... It wore off

Berg, my life is not one of your experiments -- just leave it alone!

- You know, I'm starting to feel *way* underappreciated here - Go!

Cover for me

- Yeah, there's about as much chance of me wearing this thing as - - - Ah-ah-ah, hey! People person!

- Excuse me -- can I see a menu? - It's a pizza place!

What are you doing out here? Did you come to push me into traffic?

- I don't like you being mad at me - I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at me

Berg, I'm gonna be 25 and I don't even know where my life is -- and the one good thing I had, I messed up!

When my dad was my age, he had a house, he had a wife, he had me! I mean, what do I have?

You have the ability to suck the life out of an evening!

There's no...there's no blueprint for life! Okay, first it's meiosis -- out of the womb, snip

Then you get a big ol' aneurysm and you slump over your desk Okay, everything in between just happens, Pete....enjoy it

Berg, I'm not like you, all right? I don't find pearls when I eat oysters

I can't learn Russian in three days from a book called 'How To Learn Russian In Three Days"

I wish I could, but I can't

That's why you have me

- Are you gonna have my children? - There *is* an experiment at MIT next week

What if I wind up alone?

What if I wind up alone, hanging out in some pizza place, telling anyone who will listen to me about the time I plowed under my cornfield and built a baseball diamond?

Listen to me, okay?

Everything's gonna work out, all right?...you'll have the wife and the kids it's there

You just can't see around that turn yet

How can you be so sure?

'Cause I know. It has to

'Cause If my life doesn't work out I'm coming to live with you

You heard me

Fine!

Berg, what do you think is gonna happen to Sharon?

I'm sure she'll settle down, have kids...

Get your butts back in here!

Or take over Cuba

I didn't even get a tip!

You told a customer to shut up or you'd bash his head in with a shovel!

Well, he kept *waving* at me!

Oh, how long does it take to make up with somebody?

Relax...

Hey, hey!

- So how'd it go? - Eh, go figure -- Melissa and I are going to try and work things out

Great! I've always liked her

C'mon --I think what we need here is some Pop-n-Shot at O'Malley's

- Oh, no, I can't - Sharon's buying

'Cause I'm a people person!

I told Melissa I'd go back over with a video

- Go back over? - Mmm-hmmm

Not in your condition Look at him

-Oooh... all clammy and yellow... - No, guys..

Food poisoning! Hits you like that!

-Guys... - We'll call from the bar