Original subtitles

Hello and welcome to Top Gear, where it's a sad day

at Television Centre, because this is our last show of the series.

Ahhh! Gutted.

Don't worry, because we're going out in style, by solving, no question,

the biggest issue facing humankind today -

the male midlife crisis.

Christopher?

Thank you, Paddy.

The other day, the producers were going on about midlife crisis cars.

"You know the type," they said, "probably a two-seater,

"maybe a convertible, definitely a bit showy,

"bought by men of a certain age."

Fred? Thanks.

And we said, "What are you talking about?

"There's no such thing as a midlife crisis car.

"What there is is a midlife opportunity car,

"a car that's not about boot space or ISOfix points.

"A car bought by men of a certain age to make them

"feel good about themselves."

Paddy?

Well, luckily, Fred and Chris, that doesn't affect us.

But the producers said, "Lads, you're clearly all in denial.

"But if you reckon these midlife opportunity cars are so great,

"take eight grand, go out and bag yourself a gem of a crisis."

Crisis? What crisis?

Ladies and gentlemen,

I give you eight grand's worth of midlife...

..opportunity.

The TVR Chimaera.

If life's a bit dull, need a bit of a shake-up, trust me...

♪ Ah, yeah... ♪

..this will shake you up.

Four litre, V8, rear-wheel drive.

This is a sports car for the purist.

There's no power steering.

There's no ABS, no traction control.

It's temperamental.

This thing will throw you in a hedge if you get on the wrong side of it.

♪ We want to be free to do what we want to do... ♪

But, best of all, it was built in Lancashire.

And that puts it on my list of all-time greats.

I was going to buy one of these when I was 21.

I went to the factory in Blackpool and had a look round,

got pretty much this identical car in silver.

The problem was, though, I couldn't get insured. Nobody'd have me.

Now I'm 43...

..I can get insured!

And, in my book, that's a pretty good excuse to roll back the years.

♪ Ah, yeah... ♪

It's an opportunity.

I've got the earring back in, a nod to me mid-20s!

♪ We want to be free to do what we want to do... ♪

Here we go.

Oh-ho-ho!

What a car!

Yes, it is,

but the one thing that's better than a sports car with a big V8...

..is a sports car with an even bigger one.

The Vauxhall Monaro.

The thinking man's muscle car.

An American design, built in Australia, sold in England.

It's multicultural. It's exotic!

This thing is so rare, they only sold a couple of hundred in the UK.

Love that!

Don't let the badge fool you.

Underneath, this is a Holden, an Aussie muscle car legend,

packing a 5.7-litre V8,

producing over 370 hp.

This thing is special at any speed. The V8 burbles.

I feel I'm not in an ordinary car.

It's comfortable and it's relaxing.

Until you put your foot down...

..and then it's a gibbering lunatic!

Very nice, but, also, very wrong.

If you want to make the most of your midlife opportunity,

there's only one badge you really need.

The Prancing Horse.

Il Cavallino Rampante.

Ferrari.

Oh, bellissimo!

And I know what you're thinking.

"Mr McGuinness, how do you get a Ferrari for eight grand?"

Well, trust me, my friends,

I have my ways.

Absolute genius.

Genius I'd soon dazzle the other two with, as we've been told

to meet up with our midlife masterpieces

at Wiltshire's finest racetrack.

Oh, Castle Combe, here we are.

Oh, look at that. The first one here.

But that happens a lot in a TVR.

Oh, this is Harris.

What's Flintoff gone for? The TVR Chimaera.

He might have made the right choice, there.

He's got a bright red Vauxhall.

Morning, Fred. Morning.

Now, I have to say... that is the perfect British sports car.

Great effort. What is that?

That is a Vauxhall Monaro. Is it really?

Oh, come on, it's perfect, it's got a V8, it's practical, it's special.

Is it special? The one thing about these cars is living your best life.

Yeah.

Look at them, look at them! OK... Look at them! Look at them!

I want to give you grief but I can't because this is

a great choice of car. That is the Austin Healey

of the modern era, isn't it?

However, I can get the family in this. So I've got the V8 muscle...

But no, no... when I want it. ..you've missed the point of this.

What? This is not about the family. This is not about getting the kids

in the back. This is about our time.

This is about your time.

This is about Chris Harris taking a car out just for him.

What in the name of...?

Is that a 355?

No, it isn't! No, it isn't!

No!

Ciao. Konnichiwa. No!

How are you? No!

Look at it, though! My eyes! My eyes!

To be fair, if you were down the road, looking at that,

you'd be giving it "355". You wouldn't hear it coming!

I'm telling you ...love it!

Look, look, it's a fake Ferrari. The Toyarri.

What is it? It's an MR2. Is it? 250 brake horse. Yeah.

It's had more chips than Harry Ramsden's.

It's lively. I love it. How much?

I've gone a bit over budget. How much? Only a bit.

Eight grand was the budget. Yeah. Nine and a half.

You spent nearly ten grand on that?

Yeah. Someone left that room laughing. It wasn't you.

This is a rare car.

355s are ten a penny. This thing...

You've got to search for one. And look at the nick it's in, boys.

The great thing about these conversions is even people

that know nothing about cars know instinctively that this isn't

a 355, it's THAT wrong! No, they don't! Yes, they do!

No, they don't! People'll like it. It makes people smile.

It's all about being positive in life. What's that?

Is that five or six litres, that thing?

5.7. A lot of car. Yeah.

And I'm going to enjoy that. OK. And this is a powerful car.

It's a Vauxhall, at the end of the day. You've picked a Vauxhall.

Well, it's a Holden, actually. What? It's a Holden.

Same thing. With a Vauxhall badge on it. It's just the Aussie bit.

It's fine. Oh? So very similar to this? No, no, no! That...

This is totally fraudulent. You've just said about...

Now, we could have argued

over who bought the best fake car all day.

Look, look, see, that's all it is. There's the Holden badge.

Yeah, but listen, listen...

But before Harris could pull apart any more of his Vauxhall,

something about Flintoff caught my eye.

Stop.

Have you got an earring in? Yeah.

I like it. I like it.

This is what it's about, lads, hey?

Takes me back, that. We're here. We're in our beautiful cars.

We're at a racetrack.

The Prancing Horse wants to dance!

Come on, lads! Go on, Paddy.

Sayonara! Let's do it!

It looks even worse from here!

Oh, yes, it was time to show what a midlife opportunity really

looks like by heading out on the track and opening up the taps.

Oh-ho-ho, jeez!

What a car!

It really does go!

Go on!

0-60, five seconds.

Top speed over 150 mile an hour, that is enough.

For this car, that is enough.

Jeez!

Look at that!

Harris is sliding it about.

Little bit of opposite lock, not too much.

Use the power, of which there is plenty.

No, this is not an authentic Ferrari...

..obviously.

But it's not about that. This car is about fun.

It's about having a good time.

And it is an MR2, so it's great to drive.

Well, it is when the gearbox works.

But that doesn't matter.

Point is this car's a tribute act.

It's the Rolling Clones. It's Fake That.

We know it's not the real thing.

But you're still going to have an absolutely great night!

Make a bit of room, Chris.

Ferrari coming through.

Hello, there, gentlemen.

This is what it's all about, boys, isn't it, eh?

Just three young lads enjoying their mid-lives.

They're living the dream.

Right, lads, what's that? Looks like a car park.

Are they a load of Saxos?

The Junior Saloon Car Championship?

Oh, ho-ho-ho!

What have we got here, then? Young people.

All on their phones, aren't they?

Look at 'em! Don't look up. No eye contact. Nothing.

See this lad here?

That's like a young me. I could go and give him some advice.

Have you been round here

a few years ago on tour with the cricket lads?

Like an advert for JD Sports.

Here we go.

"One of the biggest fears of a midlife crisis

"is being overtaken by the younger generation.

"Time to find out how long you and your cars

"can keep the youth at bay."

Oh. These?

I'm happy. I'm not worried at all. I'm confident.

He's just given you the evils, him, over there. Has he? Yeah.

Speak when you're spoken to, son. Adult speaking. Thank you.

Unbelievable. Let's have it right. Time for these kids to be schooled.

Yes.

To prove we weren't over the hill just yet,

we'd be taking on a whole grid of teenage racers.

Our aim was to try and stay out in front...

..with the winner being whoever was overtaken

by the fewest Saxos over two laps of the track.

So, with three old men's pride at stake,

Flintoff with his TVR were up first.

Don't let the little scallywags intimidate you.

You're going to do well, son.

Here we go.

Come on, get away from the Saxos.

Look at the little scoundrels. They're like flies!

He is making a good job of this. He's already away.

He's through quarry,

I thought he might have had a bit of a whoopsy there.

That's the most crashed corner in the UK.

Into the chicane, don't let these kids put you off!

Now's he's gone, just me and you.

The earring, looks stupid, but I didn't want to do that to him

when I was giving it the middle-aged men thing. It's quite a big rock.

Do you think it's a real one or is it glass?

No, no, no. It's the Preston Special.

Is it Swarovski? Preston Special. Preston Special!

There's a Saxo coming.

Oh, they're all over him! Like a rash!

Oh, my word, here they come.

Come on, Fred!

They're coming round, look.

I'm holding them, I'm holding them, I'm holding them! I'm holding them!

They're after him. They're after...

Come on, Freddie!

I'm on the wrong line, I'm on the wrong line.

There's a Saxo on my inside!

Oh, one's gone.

No, no, get back, get back, get back.

Oh, come on!

Oh, two have gone past him. Come on, Fred!

No, no, no, not on the corner, son. Not on the corner, get back!

This little get!

Going through, here.

I'm staying on.

This little tinker!

No, no, no, no!

Get past, get past! Get past!

He's held on! Yay!

Do you feel confident in the Toyarri? No.

Get in there! Looked like a lot of fun.

That looked good fun. It did.

But they're all over you. Are they?

They're all over you. That's kids!

Do you know one of them? One of them,

and I'll be having words after.

He'll be getting a dressing down. Good.

Just cut me on the inside, ended up on the grass.

I went across the grass. I want that kid's name. Where is he?

So, you were five down, but that one got...

No, you can't have that! No, they said that one counts.

So, it's six cars that overtook you.

McGuinness, get in the Toyarri.

I reckon, first chicane, there will be about ten past that Toyarri.

Only one way to find out.

Time for McGuinness to take on the youth.

They're frightened, Paddy, they're frightened of you!

These greasy conditions are going to suit the mid-engine

handling of that car.

It doesn't make me feel any better, but thank you.

Go on, Toyarri!

They'll have him, they'll have him.

They're going to get him by that corner.

I reckon the whole lot will have him on the first lap.

Oh, they're already on me! They're already on me!

The little sausages!

Oh, they're up him, they're up him!

Come on, come on, Pad, hold them off.

Can't find the gear!

Oh, one's already here!

One's already here!

Can you imagine how much squawking is going on inside his car

at the moment? Argh!

Argh! Argh! He's passed. Little sh...

One... Oh, there's another one coming.

He's going to get done on the inside, man!

He's queueing up. There's a queue behind him!

Here they come.

Oh, oh.

Oh!

See, it's like a ride at Alton Towers.

They're all queuing up to get past.

Half of them aren't big enough to go on!

Come on!

Come on, Toyarri!

I'm in the wrong place! Argh!

Oh-ho!

Oh! My word!

They were all over me!

It was like the Pied Piper being chased by pubescent rats!

Did about eight go past? Six.

Well done, Pad. Don't you worry.

No-one should go past him. No-one. No-one.

That's right.

It was time for the semi-professional racing driver

to make a stand for middle age.

Here we go, then. Six each for both of them.

I've got to do better than them.

I simply have to do better than them.

Chris, are you all right? Can we just get this done?

Good luck, Chris.

Good luck, my mate. It's terrible!

Here we go, here we go.

Oh! Oh! Go faster!

Right, these lads are not coming past me.

Hang on, Holden!

Oh, no. They're not getting anywhere near him.

No, he's giving it, you little sods.

Look at him! Look at him!

They're going to be better on the brakes

and they're going to be quicker at the corners.

But I'm just not going to let them pass me.

I'm happy for him. I'm happy for him. I'm happy for him.

But... Yeah.

..you want a couple past, don't you?

They are coming back at me.

I've got one on my backside now.

That's the technical part of the circuit.

Hopefully, now, I'll get a bit of gas going.

Go on, Chris! Go on, son!

Show them how it's done!

He's no chance. He is tapping his wheel. He's got no chance.

It's not a computer game, son! It's not a computer game!

♪ Drive boy dive boy

♪ Dirty numb angel boy

♪ In the doorway boy... ♪

Now I can really let the Monaro stretch its legs.

Have some of that, youth!

The brakes are absolutely on the floor!

Whoa, he's really trying now!

Come on, then, son!

Big V8 punching me out the corners.

Come on, Holden! Just hold out!

Oh! Oh!

Now push it, Chris!

I'm not letting him past, no way.

Yeah! Come on!

I'm doing this for age, I'm doing this for experience.

I'm doing this for all those parents out there

that are sick of the youth telling us the way it should be.

Yes, baby! It's a victory.

Oh... Oh... Oh...

Christopher! Chris Harris!

A little bit of experience there, boys.

You can't buy it and you can't bottle it.

Well played, sir. That was a lesson in maturity.

I like it when he's in a good mood,

cos we're going to have great day now. Look at him.

Where are we off to now?

Come on, you little tinker!

I tell you what, Chris, I'm so happy for you.

Go on. Well done. Come on, you. Well done, little man.

I tell you, you've got a spring in your step...

Look at that - he's happy. Little bow legs are going.

Oh...

How are they driving, boys?

The Toyarri is still driving well.

The Monaro, it's just bob on.

I've got to tell you, this car's doing all right.

After what I did in it on the track, it's doing surprisingly well.

♪ He's gonna step on you again

♪ He's gonna step on yo-u-u-u-u... ♪

Lads, I were looking online

at telltale signs of a midlife crisis... Ooh.

..and they had a list.

Do you want me to run through 'em? See if we tick any of those boxes?

Go on, then. Number one - getting an earring.

I used to have it when I was younger.

I'm shaking it up a bit, that's all.

Number two - buying an expensive bicycle.

Fred, this isn't looking good for you at all.

No, right, I have got a few bicycles in me garage...

Right, let's forget the earring and the expensive bikes.

Let's go to number three on the list.

Growing your hair long.

I'm smelling a rat here.

You've not even looked on the internet.

I tell you what, you two are a couple of whoppers.

Growing your hair long. What's next - having big teeth?

What about getting a bit of work done? A bit of botox?

I don't think Paddy's any stranger to that.

Now, I think I will accept most things, but you've seen my face -

there's no botox in this!

Fair play, Pad, fair play.

Paddy, is it true that you used to have a bag of dark dust

to go on the top of your hair to make it look thicker

on the red carpet? No, it wasn't dark dust.

It was just a thickening product.

With our midlife opportunity now very much in full swing,

the producers decided we should have another test.

This time at MoD Lyneham,

a huge military base which we appeared to have the run of.

It's all looking a little bit ominous at the moment.

Oh... Empty military facility,

the sun's out and we have a challenge.

What have we got?

"Midlife crisis cars are all about showing off." Ooh.

"To prove your cars can put on a performance, you will now race

"to complete this gymkhana course as quickly and precisely as possible."

Oh, the old Ken Block's! Oh, it's fantastic.

You're going to love this.

For anyone not familiar with the work of Ken Block...

..the Stig will now demonstrate what a gymkhana is all about.

First, take one high-performance car.

Oh! Now we're talking!

Then throw in a load of abandoned roads

and buildings to make your playground.

Next, scatter about as many cones as you can lay your hands on.

And litter that playground with a bunch of obstacles.

Pure catnip for the YouTube generation.

This is the ultimate display of driver prowess.

There's stones everywhere!

Woo!

Oh!

How good was that?!

With our cars fitted with skinny back tyres to help us skid,

we'd now take turns to run Stig's course against the clock.

But, keen for us to start embracing old age rather than running from it,

the producers had also decided we'd be doing it wearing something

called a geriatric simulation suit.

Now we're talking! What's going on here?

I'm going to have to take these off. Hang on.

Oh, that's better.

You look like Where's Wally's dad.

Yeah. Apparently this simulates the effects of old age.

This vest is 30kg.

Demonstrate how heavy it is.

It looks like you're just wearing a vest. Do a jump.

Jump, jump. Do a jump.

Shut up!

It's not nice.

I can't even fasten me helmet.

Do you want to know the best bit?

It's a Le Mans start.

Get back to where the grass meets the tarmac there.

Come on. Walk back.

-You look like C-3 -PO. Hang on.

OK, are you ready? No!

Three, two, one...

Go!

Come on, Paddy, hurry up! What are you doing?!

He's skating! Stop skating and run, man! Don't skate!

Oh, Je...!

Oh!

He spun on the first turn!

It's so difficult with this bloody arm thing on!

Whoa...!

This is what it's going to be like when we get older.

You know when you drive to the sea and you put a blanket on your legs?

See, I would go blanket...

I'd get a bit of the wind there, get the blanket like that

and then sit down. Oh...!

I can't turn me arms round!

Ken Block's not going to be watching this thinking,

"My job's in jeopardy," is he?

Is it that way or that way?!

He's just decided to make up the course.

Where am I?! Where am I going?!

Where am I going?!

Here we go, here we go. This is going to be entertaining.

What's going to happen now?

Go on, Pad!

Oh, my God!

I think he's knackered.

I'll be with you in a minute...

You go t'wrong way, Pad?

I come out that shed, everything was just orange and white,

but the worst thing is, it's you can't steer

and you can't put the handbrake on.

All things you really need

when you're trying to be the next Ken Block.

Right, you did it in 5:54.28.

Get in.

Go on, Chris, go and get ready. Go on. Give us the stopwatch. Go on.

That's right, it was time once again for

the semi-professional racing driver to show us how it's done.

Wait... Oh, God...

Oh, my word, what is that?

Have you got high heels on? What are you walking like that?!

Paddy, I take a lot of it back.

Do you know what? Honest to God, you come round the corner, there,

you look like one of them veloci-ropters from Jurassic Park,

how you're walking. A "ropter"? "Ropter"?! Veloci-ropter...!

Can we do this, please? Don't get too close,

your Le Mans start's back there!

Look at...

That is how he walks anyhow! Oh, my God.

Come on, Chris, you've got this. Three...

..two...

..one...

Go! No, come on, you can go faster than that!

Run, Chris Harris! Pick your knees up!

Come on!

Best of luck to you. Come on, Harris!

We said we hope you have a lovely day!

Whoa, a lot of smoke!

CAR JUDDERS Oh...

Oh, that's... That's nice.

That's nice.

I can't control the steering!

I literally can't control the steering!

How are you supposed to turn it around here?!

I can't do that...!

He's beeping his horn.

I can't...

I literally can't...!

Argh!

I can see a lot of smoke up there...

This is his thing, he loves... Sliding about.

He loves sliding, doesn't he?

I don't know where I'm going here.

Yeah, I've missed out all that.

Oh, he's gone the wrong way...

I think he's gone the wrong way, as well, Pad! It does happen!

Oh, he's pipping his horn!

Ooh... Here he comes. Ooh. He can't get out.

You all right? Was there things in the way?

We kept hearing you beeping your horn at people.

What - were there people, traffic?

Well, I couldn't lift my arms up.

6:44.

I was just seeing stars.

So it turns out the geriatric suit does take its toll.

Unless, of course, you're a massive tree.

Just walking normal...

You have got weights on - you know that, don't you?

A little bit on me arms. Why don't YOU give us a burpee?

Let's have a see. You go down... I knew he would! I knew he would.

Up... Oof...

Bet you can't do five! Not a chance! Let's get on with this.

Are you ready? Yeah.

Three...

..two...

..and the thing is...

..just go for it. Have you pressed that button already?

What? Have you pressed the button?

I've not pressed the button! You have!

Wahey!

Oh...

Why am I out of breath driving?

Now, he's going towards the building...

Now, this is where it could get a little bit air ambulance.

I must admit, I was expecting a bit more from you.

You went round it a bit pedestrian.

It was fully sideways over there... No, it wasn't!

No, it wasn't.

Oh, I can't steer!

Do you know what the car looks like? Yes, I have eyes, and I saw it.

From the outside, when you're driving it. Oh, dear.

Yes, very sexy.

Oh, now we're talking!

Where do you get the confidence from?

I think it's my winning streak on the show.

There's that many...

Yes, we're round!

Yes, Fred!

He's round that one... Look at that!

Yeah!

He's not going to back off here.

Get the speed going, come on.

You've got to stop at some point, haven't you? What?

Like, about now would be good. I'm coming in...!

Oh-ho-ho! Oh!

Get back on. Get up, get up!

Get up!

Jeez!

How unpleasant was that?

My arms are so heavy.

Tell you what - I went the right way, though.

You did. You went the right way.

What did I get?

5:06! Yeah. Well done, sir.

I'm not going to lie, it's a bit of a hollow victory.

Well done, you're a better old man.

Wahey! Wahey!

He's enjoying that, isn't he?

Look at that.

Lovely stuff.

That weight suit was absolutely... It was worse than it looked.

For us two, not for him!

What? For me? Yeah! Suit was easy for him!

I felt like I was 21 again, playing cricket for England!

But, genuinely, weighted suits are a real thing in the car industry

to simulate what it's like for an old person driving.

Why don't they just use an old person?

That's actually quite a good point, Fred... That is, yeah...

That is a good point, I'll give you that!

What we've learned here is actually, pensioners...

..are extremely strong people! Yes!

Give your nan a Werther's, she's off! "Right, let's go!"

Yep! We'll get back to that film later -

terrifying though it sounds. But now we need to move on to Hot Hatches.

I love a Hot Hatch, my perfect recipe -

small car, big engine, big power.

And now, there's a new one out.

It comes...

..from Toyota.

And it's called...

..the GR Yaris.

And, on the face of it,

the GR looks like it ticks all of the Hot Hatch boxes.

It makes around 250 horsepower, which is proper Hot Hatch power.

It does 0 to 60 in around five seconds

and tops out at 140mph, which is proper Hot Hatch pace.

It's all very much... as it should be.

Until, that is, you hear about the price.

Because this Toyota Yaris...

..costs over £33,000.

33 grand for a Toyota Yaris?

Now that is a tough sell.

After all, the Yaris badge does conjure a certain lifestyle.

And not an especially sporty one.

I'm talking Saga Cruises, Stannah Stairlifts...

..tartan rugs.

In short, 33 grand for a suped-up OAP mobile

does sound like a big ask,

especially when you consider...

..the competition.

Because for £14,000 less than the GR, you can have...

..one of those -

the Fiesta ST.

Same size as the Yaris, utterly brilliant to drive.

Or, for a couple of grand less...

..could have...

..one of these -

Civic Type R.

A whole lot more power... What a wonderful thing.

It looks like it eats kittens for breakfast.

And, for pretty much the same money, you could have one of these -

the Mercedes-AMG A 35.

Faster, more powerful and with a badge that doesn't scream

"Zimmer frame".

But here's the thing.

You can't compare the Yaris to regular Hot Hatches...

..because it's not a regular Hot Hatch.

Allow me to explain.

These are some of the greatest legends

of the World Rally Championship...

..where, to be eligible to compete, cars have always had to be

closely based on a road car you can actually buy.

So, for the best chance of winning...

..you'd really want to build a road car

that's been specially designed to go racing.

But...

..that would be very expensive.

And, as a result, it almost never happens.

But just occasionally, a carmaker decides that, yes,

it will build a completely new, very fast road car

as the perfect base for its next rally car.

These are called homologation specials

and they are some of the best cars ever made.

The Audi Sport Quattro,

shortened to make that monster there with the big wings.

Lancia Delta Integrale -

is that the greatest homologation road car ever made to create

the thing that Juha Kankkunen won those championships in?

And this might be my favourite - the Evo 6 Mitsubishi

that Tommi Makinen dominated the sport in.

And then, every boy racer's dream -

the Ford Escort RS Cosworth -

and what a rally car that created.

Make no mistake - this is distinguished company.

And Toyota has now given its most unlikely of cars the same treatment.

The GR Yaris is no Hot Hatch.

This is a genuine... rally car for the road.

Woohoo-hoo-hoo!

Just put your foot down and it goes!

The engine's only a three-cylinder turbo petrol,

but it's the most powerful one in the world right now

and it's crammed full of motorsport technology.

It's strong!

And then there's the brakes.

The brake pedal has immense feel,

it's so good, and they are powerful.

But what really sets this rally Yaris apart...

..is its four-wheel-drive system

and the way it works with the rest of the chassis

to pin the car to the road.

That short wheelbase, those wide tracks,

those sticky Michelin tyres...

I reckon you can drive around the outside of a BMW M3

on any roundabout!

It's that grippy.

Unless, of course, you put it in sport mode...

..which tells it not to be.

Accelerate!

You get that...

..oversteer...

..in a hatchback!

And, even better,

when you yank the handbrake, it disconnects the rear axle,

so you can do proper rally-style handbrake turns!

You know what this brings out?

My inner Colin McRae!

Flick it around...

That is ridiculous!

And it's got a Toyota badge on it!

Which, incidentally, is one of the few things the GR Yaris

shares with the OAP-spec original that your nan drives.

The regular Yaris has five doors.

This one - three.

The roof is four inches lower

and - because your rally car must be made of the same stuff

as your road car - that roof is now also carbon fibre,

while the bonnet and doors are lightweight aluminium.

Toyota has reinvented the little Yaris.

And it now truly belongs...

..with this lot.

For me, a homologation special is a car that looks ordinary

when you see it from a distance, but up close, you see the width

and the specialness, those wide tracks.

And the Yaris absolutely nails that.

I think it's an instant icon, I really do.

Honestly... It's one of the best cars I've driven in years.

And it absolutely belongs in this company.

What a machine!

The best little car!

The best little car.

And this is a Yaris. Only made better if we did it in France -

it'd be Harris in a Yaris in Paris.

Come on, Chris, is it really that good?

Best thing I've driven in two years, Fred. Wow.

Honestly, it's a hero car.

But it's 33 grand, Chris! A lot of money...

33 grand for a Yaris! I know, but the deals on offer at the moment,

it's £300 a month for one of the best cars you'll drive!

So this is the road version of the rally car, right?

Yeah. So, how good is the rally version going to be?

That's the awkward bit, Pad -

because the World Rally Championships changed the rules

for this year, they're sticking with the old cars,

so there's a chance they might not make a rally car.

So... this is a rally car for the road... Yeah.

..but there's no rally car for the rally?

For once, you are correct!

Sometimes, I think you just go out of your way, purposely,

to confuse me! Well, while you try

and get your head around that, Paddy, lad...

It's time to get back to our midlife opportunity film,

which comes with a warning.

That's right. This next sequence contains footage

that some viewers may find disturbing.

Chris Harris in some very snug leather trousers.

Roll the tape.

The start of another day on the road.

Except, for some reason,

the producers have decided to confiscate our cars.

But no matter, because what they've done is give us the perfect chance

to explore another of midlife's fantastic opportunities.

Aye-aye, Captain.

Living the dream, Captain! Living the dream.

Just a couple of blokes on a bike.

♪ Get your motor runnin'

♪ Head out on the highway... ♪

How are you getting on, Christopher?

When the sun's out, there's not many things I'd rather be doing

than wobbling around on a bike.

♪ Born to be wild... ♪

Boys, this is the life, innit?!

♪ Born to be wild... ♪ Woooo!

I shouldn't be trusted on this.

Try being on a Harley!

Looking good, Pad. Oh, yes.

Eat your heart out, Peter Fonda.

Born to be wild. I mean, it's not exactly Route 66, this -

I'm on a B-road to Siddington -

but it'll do.

Quite why the producers had given us the morning to enjoy

three of our favourite bikes, though, was about to become clear.

Because we've been told to head to the Cotswolds Water Park,

where they've been busy setting up our final test.

Fit bikes on t'roof, Pad. One extreme to the other here.

What is going on here, then?

Challenge.

Oh, tell you what, I enjoyed that.

"No midlife crisis would be complete

"without a sudden interest in fitness."

No. Ring any bells? No.

Stop it. No, no, no.

Stop it.

"To see which of you has embraced your so-called opportunity,

"you will now compete in the Top Gear midlife crisis triathlon.

"MAMILs, get ready to swim, ride and drive." MAMILs?

Middle-Aged Men In Lycra. Oh, God.

Yes. It being November, of course the producers have decided it was

a good time to do a triathlon.

This one had been enhanced with a few motorised upgrades.

Starting with a short sprint in our cars down to the water's edge.

Next, we'd be on to a trio of Jet Skis,

where a quick blast up and down the lake would be followed

by a swim back to the shore.

Then we'd be on to the push bikes.

And after a 4km ride around the lake -

mercifully, for the final leg -

we'd be back in our cars for three laps

of a rough and ready gravel circuit.

And with almost all of that sounding utterly hideous,

to make matters worse,

first we'd have to get changed.

I tell you, the thing is about these suits,

that optical illusion makes it look like

you've got a massive stomach.

Is yours doing that? Yes.

At least we've still got our dignity.

Now this race, for me - this is all about second place.

Cos as we know... Lurch is gone. Lurch is gone.

..Peloton Pete over there... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

..he'll be going across the lake, pulling a salmon out, eating it,

bike, gone.

It does involve a Jet Ski so he could kill himself on that easily.

Hey.

What? Don't do that! Don't do that.

May the best man win, Patrick.

He will. May the best MAMIL win.

Right, chins up, bellies in.

It was time for our middle-aged triathlon to begin.

Here we are.

Three, two, one. Go.

Here we go!

It's very muddy.

Stay out of the puddle, Harris.

Oh, no. I can't see owt out my window.

The Monaro was quickest out the blocks.

Meaning Harris just had his nose in front

down to the water.

Come on. Come on.

We're off. I need a wee!

Whoa!

Oh, God, goggles. How do you get this on?

How did you get that on?

Lightning off the line on his Jet Ski, as well, though...

Can't get it on. Ah!

..it's fair to say the early moves were all Harris.

What's wrong with it? What's wrong with it?

I've put it in reverse!

Jesus!

Come on, let's catch Harris.

Whoa! Whoa!

How the hell are you supposed to steer it?

While McGuinness trailed off the back,

the leader was already approaching the top of the lake.

Come on. We've got to beat him.

Catching on Harris. Where's McGuinness?

Come on, baby!

I'm doing nearly 100km an hour.

Come on. Go, go, go!

Ah!

Thankfully, with Harris negotiating the final slalom,

the Jet Ski run was nearly over.

And, as the frontrunner summoned his athleticism

for the next stage of the race...

Smooth, smooth.

..Flintoff was hot on his heels...

I'm swimming a bit further here.

..while, with a little creative interpretation

of the start line for the swim,

as the only ex—Bolton Community Leisure Centre lifeguard among us...

..it was time to do some catching up.

And with Paddy having cheated his way back into the running,

the wet stage of the race was behind us.

Next, it was time for the second two-wheeled leg,

breaking out the bikes for a one-lap, Lycra-bound dash

around the perimeter of the lake.

But, having now lost all of my early lead,

frankly, for the next leg,

I didn't fancy my chances.

For starters, my bike didn't work.

Chain's come off.

And while Paddy got away first,

the real issue was that Flintoff...

I'm only off.

..is a cycling machine.

Come on.

Let's see what you've got.

Sadly, Harris is absolutely right,

because while I had taken the lead...

Hey, Pad. Hey!

..I managed to hold on to it...

Nice and easy.

..for about eight seconds.

Oh, where's he going?!

Come on, son.

Not as fit as I used to be.

I'm probably fitter.

The whole chain's gone. It's bent.

Look at the kink here. Look at that! That is not helpful.

Yep, one of us stranded...

..the other just trying to stay upright,

the human dynamo disappearing into the distance.

Just keep pedalling.

Keep turning my legs.

This triathlon of ours was getting predictable.

Can't see the boys.

No sign of them.

But then...

..Harris reminded us all that with middle age

comes wisdom.

The wisdom to always play...

..to your strengths.

Come on, Monaro.

Right, I've got a fair old amount of distance to catch up here.

Oh, I'm flat out.

I can't go any quicker than this.

The Vauxhall was getting me back on track,

but its injection of pace looked like

it had come too late.

Flintoff was approaching the end of his lap.

And with McGuinness just a minute or so behind,

even with a heap of extra V8 legwork...

..I'd need a miracle to reel them back in.

Especially as Flintoff didn't look all that interested

in giving up his lead.

Flippin' shoes.

Oh! I'm driving.

Where are they?

Well, one of us was on the final sprint.

Whoa!

Three laps of the gravel track.

Back at the wheel...

Still out of breath.

..of the TVR.

What are the boys doing?

There's nobody else on the track.

I can see the cars.

Let's keep McGuinness at bay.

He's not even started yet.

Come on, Paddy!

One lap down, Paddy, lad.

Come on.

Come on, keep going.

Here we go!

Fair play to the big lad - already a lap up,

even a real Ferrari would have struggled to catch him.

So the Toyarri - well, let's just say it had met its match.

Oh, my God, the water's coming in.

With Harris bringing up the rear...

Come on, then!

..Flintoff was away,

and nothing was going to stop him.

Whoa!

I've broke down!

Going to have to make a run for it. I'm going to run.

Oh, yes, Preston's answer to the Terminator...

..just kept on trucking.

I've got me cycling shoes on.

What's he doing?!

So, with darkness falling on our shambolic efforts...

Flintoff's running. I can't see what's happened.

..the result was what we always knew.

♪ Gather around me... ♪

Oh!

The man who most embodies the gentleman's midlife opportunity...

..is Andrew "Freddie" Flintoff, OBE.

Well done, pal. Thank you.

Fred, you are the king of the middle-aged men.

Tell you what, this earring's coming straight out.

♪ All joyful and triumphant... ♪

Look at him.

Let's not spoil his moment.

Congratulations, Fred... Thank you.

..but you know what the worst thing about that day was?

Yeah. You cheating, obviously. How did I cheat?

Well, you did half the swim on a Jet Ski pad.

I've never driven a Jet Ski in my life.

It was just floating on the water.

I jumped off and swam over to you. End of.

You nearly drowned doing a 20-metre swim.

You have got a point. I'm not going to lie,

you wasn't the stiffest competition I've ever had, you two. Come on.

The worst thing about the day was wearing those wet suits.

Now I know how a sausage feels.

Anyhow, lads, this one's clear cut.

You bought a fake Ferrari. Yep.

You bought a Vauxhall family car. Harsh.

I won the triathlon

so that means the ultimate midlife opportunity car

is the TVR.

Congratulations, Fred. You are the ultimate midlife crisis.

Thank you.

No... Whoa! No, no. Fred, Fred, I'm sorry...

That's all we've got time for this series

and I'm sorry it's been a short one. Not you.

But we'll be back later in the year with a longer one.

Not you.

And maybe even some foreign travel, boys! Keep those fingers crossed!

See you then. Thank you so much for watching,

and goodnight.