Original subtitles

Car, bar, far.

Yes, exactly.

Now, English people, cos they're weird,

Car, bar, far.

"Dat would be groit."

"That would be great."

Richard... you have to hear Etienne's Irish accent.

"Dat would be groit."

Oy... Ugh...

Oh, my God, is that glitter and a tenner?

It's a card from my mum, it's for my birthday.

Aww. God, can't really imagine you being a child.

Like, I feel like you came out with a strong, serious jawline

and an opinion on Chekhov.

Listen, I'm not the one wearing red cowboy boots nowhere near a ranch.

- Oh, zing! - Mm-hm.

Look at you, giving me that drag queen shade.

Mm, no. No, I didn't understand most of that.

So, what are your birthday plans, then?

Yeah, probably head into town,

get some shots, hit the clubs, you know?

Hey, Etienne, you want to come to a nightclub?

I'm busy.

Just me, then.

So, what age are you, then?

- 46. - Ooh.

- How old did you think I was? - 70.

No, well...

- 72. - 72?

Mm-hm.

So...

46 too old for you, then?

What, for me to live until?

Er, well... No... You know...

Yeah, I know, yeah. Erm...

Well, I mean, it's all about vibes, Richard, isn't it?

Vibes. - Yeah. - OK.

I don't read books, Richard, I read vibes.

Make me a cup of tea, will you?

Well, on that note, make me a cup of tea, will you, Richard?

Right, what's next, then? Four-letter words?

Ah, no avocado? No way!

An avocado shortage? Oh, it's imperative, Vish.

To what do I owe this displeasure, then?

I think Shona's dead or just late, I only have a plan for the former.

- For what? - For a dance class we're going to.

- Yeah, Shona's not going to a dance class. - We are!

She promised me, and it was expensive,

- so I don't know where she is. - Shona's with Charlotte, as usual.

You can go on your own,

it's not Noah's ark, you've don't have to go in pairs.

I can't go in on my own, I'm not stupid.

- I go to the gym on my own every day. - Point proven, then. - Ha.

Hey, are you excited about the weekend?

I am excited about this sandwich

and I am terrified about the weekend.

- All right, go dance! - Yeah, I am, I am.

- Bye. - Bye.

Grand, thanks. Bye.

♪ When I wake each morning

♪ As the storm beats down on me

♪ And I know we belong together... ♪

Er, sorry.

Oh, Jesus! Oh, my God!

I don't think you were going to be in this evening.

- Oh, hi, Emma. - Hi. - You're back. - Yeah.

Yeah, she just wanted to come round and watch a bit of telly.

- Oh, right, yeah, is your TV broken? - No, no. Er... - No. No.

Erm, but if you... Do you not have any pants on?

- Oh, no, I am, yeah, no, they're under there. - Oh.

So, there you go.

- What's that smell? - Oh, it's probably my pants, Bradley.

- No, it smells like bread or something. - Yeah, exactly!

Oh, I'm making a cake!

- Yeah, baking a cake. Erm... - Who for?

Erm... Just a friend whose birthday it is.

Mm. Come on, tell old Bradley who this friend is.

I mean, can a woman not bake a cake for a gentleman friend without...

I've literally never seen you bake before, so...

I mean, well, I've had no-one to cook for.

- Including yourself. - No one that I like, then.

Shall we go and watch TV now, Bradley?

Yeah, but we're not going to rush, are we?

Well, I probably only have an hour

before I'm too sleepy to do anything.

- I do need to sleep, actually. - Yep. - Yes. - Very tired.

So I'm just going to get this cake out.

Oh-ho-ho!

- Oh, I see you smiling in there! - I'm not smiling.

Hey. Sorry I missed the dance thing.

Yeah, I know. I felt like an absolute no-pals dumbo.

Well, you know, I'm trying to fix the world, Aine. Takes a minute.

What's up?

Nothing's up, I just wanted to see how my womb-mate was on our big day.

- You know, we haven't spoken in ages. - Is everything OK?

Yeah, everything's OK.

So, I made a cake for Richard.

It might be a bit much, but it's his birthday,

but I think yesterday he might actually have tried to ask me out?

Oh, Aine, just don't get overexci...

Shit! Sorry!

- Just be careful. - Ah, Shona, don't be silly.

You can't question every decision in life, it's too short.

Oh, also, I sent you two pictures of the things I might wear this evening

and you haven't replied yet, so...

Just don't wear a silky shirt and pastel pants, OK?

Cos I'm wearing that and we'll look like leftover Nolans.

- All right, see you later, bye. - Bye.

- Is that not working? - Well, troubleshoot.

- I don't understand what's going on. - Troubleshoot?

Let's just Bluetooth it.

You say that like you know what you're talking about!

- Hi. - Aine.

Nous avons classe aujourd'hui?

Er, no. C'est un surprise visit.

I made your dad a cake.

- Pourquoi? - Why? It can be from the two of us if you want.

- Non. - Non? What do you mean, non? Non. Where is he, anyways?

- There's a woman here. - What woman? Who woman? What woman?

Aine, hey. I wasn't expecting you.

Did you leave something here or are we...?

Why are you here?

Hello. - Erm... - Hi.

- What's this? - Erm...

Happy birthday!

Richard!

I didn't know it was your birthday!

I probably should have known. I know everything else about you.

- And you made a cake for him? - Yeah.

If you can believe it now,

this wasn't actually made in a professional bakery.

That's... Er... God...

I can't remember the last time someone made me a cake.

It's actually from myself and Etienne.

It was Etienne's idea, really. Etienne wanted to do it.

There you go, Etienne,

now give your dad the cake that you wanted to give to him.

There you go.

Aww, look at that.

Aww, thanks, Etienne. That's...

- Sorry, you are...? - God, sorry. - Oh, God, sorry...

This is the tutor.

- I'm Aine. - Yeah.

- Yeah, I'm the tutor. - I'm Barbara.

Etienne's English has gotten so good.

- Mm. - You, you're doing a fab job.

She... She really is.

Yeah, I'm doing a job.

Well, listen, I hope it doesn't have a soggy bottom.

A what?

She knows.

That was very funny.

- It's a reference to The Great British Bake Off. - Yeah.

Erm, right, well, happy birthday,

lovely to meet you, but I've got to get to class,

- and stay out of trouble, you madman! Bye! - Bye.

Mmm...

♪ White teeth and black leather

♪ You and I would go great together, baby

♪ Black soul, white feathers... ♪

Let me make you cum. - Huh? - Come on.

- No. No, no, no. - Come on, you didn't let me last time, either.

No, I don't need to, it's fine.

- Just hold me instead. - All right.

Will you stroke my arm?

That's a new approach.

Yeah.

Do you want to go again?

Are you all right?

Yeah. What are you...?

Yeah, I'm grand. Just...

Hey. Erm...

Can I ask you something?

Yes. Yes, Freddie.

You may look Madonna in the eye and ask her a question.

Were you in rehab a few months back?

What? No, you idiot.

Who told you that?

Well, Charlotte mentioned it.

Don't worry, she only told me

because she assumed that I'd have known.

Which, in fairness, I should have.

No, it was like a spa, not rehab, God.

- And you didn't need to know because we'd broken up. - So you were?

- No... - Jesus, Aine, you should have told me, I still love you.

No, I was just tired, it was just a break, I just needed a break.

- What do you mean, you still love me? - Well, of course I love you.

In, like, the way...

You know the way.

Jesus.

Aine, was it really a spa? I mean, you...

You didn't do anything to yourself, did you? Charlotte mentioned...

Oh, fuck Charlotte!

What the fuck does Charlotte know, the gossipy bitch?

I'm grand. God, I'm grand. God.

No need to be so dramatic, we're not in an episode of EastEnders.

Hey, don't joke with me.

Honestly, I'm grand, Charlie's just got the wrong end of the stick.

God, I honestly... I could kill Shona.

It's so stupid. It was a spa, Freddie.

Like, you know, like a retreat thing.

Like, there was Jacuzzis and stuff.

OK.

God, Shona... Actually, do you know what?

I actually... I've got Shona's thing, so I have to scoot.

Can I borrow a cardigan? The thing I'm wearing is just a bit light.

Yeah.

Whose clothes are these?

Do you have a girlfriend?

No...

Er...

She's away a lot, so we're kind of taking things slow.

By fucking your ex? That's nice.

Aine, don't. You know I love you.

Oh, no. No. I actually don't know anything at all, Freddie.

- Can you pass me my knickers? - Aine...

Just pass me my knickers.

You know, Aine's been trying you all week.

Jesus. Give me a break, I'm snowed under.

- I called her back earlier, anyway. - It's just not like you, that's all.

Oh, shit.

Hey! Hi.

Yeah, no, I just need to get dressed and then I'm en route.

Yeah, Vish is coming. Blessed is he amongst women, yes.

I'll see you in a bit. Bye, bye, bye.

- What? - Nothing. Just...

- You kept this weekend free, right? - Yeah.

Definitely keep tomorrow free.

Why? - Because. - What are we doing?

Nothing, I just had something nice planned

- for the two of us, that's all. - Oh, my God. - What?

Are you going to propose to me tomorrow?

Why...? Why would I even...?

Oh, Jesus Christ, you would have said no by now.

- It was going to be a surprise! - Why are you telling me this now?

I'm not telling you, you just guessed!

Fucking hell, we haven't even talked or...

- We haven't talked about... - Fuck it. You know what? I'm...

What are you... Jesus, watch out, Vish.

I'm going to do it right now.

I love you, Shona, and I would like for the two of us

to spend our lives together.

That's a no. - No... - Yeah.

I mean... But... It's...

I don't even know if it's something I want to do ever, you know?

It's not a no to you or a yes to you...

- Right. - I mean, it's not about you, it's a big...

It's a big contract decision.

Contract decision? Do you want me to lay out the terms?

Yes. - All right, well... - Not now!

The terms are that I love you

and the conditions are that you love me back!

Yeah, and I agree with both of those things,

but Jesus Christ, I've got a speech in an hour.

No, I'm sorry, I was just trying to do it properly.

You can't just make life decisions like that on the hoof.

Fuck!

Oh, God, I feel a bit...

I think I just need to... I'm going to make a waffle.

Calm down. Calm down, I will make you your waffle, all right?

- Oh, fucking hell. - Just go calm down.

Aine said that you would say yes, so...

You told Aine?

Well, I wasn't going to ask you without asking her first, was I?

No, you ask me. Not Aine, me.

- It was supposed to be a surprise. - Yeah, well, I'm surprised.

I hate surprises.

Erm...

I'm going to go.

- Huh? - Yeah.

- Wait, what? - No...

Vish, no, I'm sorry, you just threw me and...

I...

Oh, my God.

- Here, I've got something for you. - Oh, fuck's sake!

Why would I want to see your shitting cock?

Yeah, well, fuck you!

Well, I'm not whopping out my vag at you, am I?

- Jesus. And it's a four at best. - Fuck off!

Oh, that's me being generous!

God.

- Hiya, Vish. - I think she said no. - What?

I didn't mean to ask her, but then she guessed that I was going to,

and then I didn't want to lie, so...

- And she said no? - I think so, I don't know.

I'll kill her.

- You said no? - I don't even want to talk to you right now, OK? - What?

I'm so angry with you

and I'm going to be late and I'm upset and I'm nervous.

You're upset with me? - Yes. - Why?

Cos you knew he was going to propose!

It was supposed to be a surprise, Shona!

He was supposed to do it on the South Bank tomorrow,

where you first had your date,

not here, with all your tea towels hanging around.

How does nobody know that I hate surprises?

Oh, you hate surprises, do you?

Well, imagine my surprise when Freddie asked me

whether I'd been to rehab or not because fucking Charlotte told him.

Are you seeing Freddie again?

Oh, my God. I can't...

- I could kill you! - Not if I kill you first!

Why do you even care what he thinks, anyway?

He's moved on!

You knew he had a girlfriend?

- Why didn't you tell me? - Because you never told me

that you were seeing him again, you idiot!

That wasn't your secret to tell, Shona!

God, if you'd had seen the way he looked at me.

Because who wants to go out with a bloody mad woman? Honestly.

A man goes mental and all of a sudden he's Bob Dylan with

a fucking guitar, but a woman has one more emotion than she should

and all of a sudden I'm Lindsay fucking Lohan.

And no-one wants to go out with Lindsay Lohan.

Even though I'm sure she's a lovely person in real life.

I told Charlotte because I had to tell someone, OK?

I'm sorry that I found it difficult to deal with finding my sister

full of pills when we're about to fly to Ireland

for our father's anniversary!

I'm sorry.

Your life isn't your own, Aine, OK? It's mine too.

- I'm a grown adult, Shona. - Well then act like one,

because sometimes it's like dealing with a baby!

- Because you treat me like a baby! - Because you act like a baby!

Because you treat me like a baby! Chicken and fucking egg, Shona!

Shit. What the fuck was that?

It's waffles.

- Hey. - Hey.

I called you an Uber.

He's about four minutes away,

so I just assumed you were going to be late, which you are,

so I'll just butter your waffles,

you can put on some shoes and...

- .. wear some trousers, maybe. - Yeah.

Whilst everything dries, I'll tong your hair.

- I don't want you tonging my hair. - I'm tonging your hair.

You've only four minutes.

- Can I have one of those waffles, Vish? - No, you can't have one.

I've got two waffles left, please don't eat my waffles.

- Can't even have a bite? - Oh, my God, you can have half of one, OK?

Thank you.

You're so brilliant and annoyingly good at all this stuff.

And your hair looks really nice.

- I'm sorry. - I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I just worry about you all the time.

I worry so much I can't sleep.

And I see you going for walks late at night on that app thing

and I just can't trust that you're not...

Because you did, didn't you?

I mean, you did try and kill yourself.

I don't want to lie to you, Shona, but I don't want to make you sad.

Aine...

I just... I just snapped, Sho.

I'm so sorry, I...

I'll never do it again.

I'll never... I'll never do... I'll never do it again, Shona.

- You promise? - I promise.

- Now you promise? - I promise.

I will never die.

- Ow! - Ow!

Come on, I was trying to lighten the mood.

Hey. They're half a bottle in, you can start.

- Hi, Aine. - Hiya.

- You OK? - Yeah.

- OK, I'm going to head out. - Right, yeah. Good luck.

I'm so proud. I hope you get through with Vish.

- I don't think she is a nice person, by the way. - What? Who?

Lindsay Lohan.

Hi.

Erm...

It's so good to see you all here tonight.

Women, eh?

Who knew?

So, my partner refuses to be defined by race.

She, Charlotte, is a great inspiration

and she's going to be talking to you in a bit.

But while she has the insistence of not being defined by her outside,

my other partner, he proudly embraces his race.

For him, it sets him apart in a good way.

For him, it's power.

Er, I say partner. I should probably say fiance.

Oh, God, please no.

I refuse for so many reasons

to accept a round of applause for getting engaged.

If you want to applaud me for something,

let me read you out my CV.

How to use that power,

the thought Charlotte and I had when we decided to set up...

- Oh, my God. - That was brilliant. - Oh, my God, wasn't it?

- That was so great. - Or was it? Was it OK?

- Oh, come on, you were great. - No, you were great. Honestly.

No, you are so great.

Hi. Yeah, sorry.

I'm at my sister's thing so I missed your call.

I'm kind of like her emotional support animal tonight, so...

Yeah, well, I won't keep you.

I'm just calling to say thanks for the cake.

I'm still alive, it hasn't poisoned me.

Oh, great. So you'll make it to 73, then.

Yep, think so. Yeah.

Listen, sorry if it was a bit tense earlier.

Er, Barbara was, is, the social worker.

I'm just a bit thrown, trying to make an impression of us, so...

I'm just not sure if it came across that that was going on,

so I thought I should, you know, let you know.

Yeah. Anyways...

Erm...

Aine!

Oh. - Do you need to go? - Yeah, I do.

- Sorry, I'm being called. - OK.

Er, well... I...

- And Etienne will see you Monday. - Yeah. Yeah, he will. Yeah.

OK, bye.

OK. Er, bye.

You haven't been here for three months,

I was getting worried.

Oh, you were worried about me? Ah, no.

I mean, you know...

This is all expensive,

so if I had to choose between going to therapy and rent,

it's like, "Yeah, I'll choose rent, thanks!"

And so why come back now?

I suppose the same reason people spend money on expensive shampoo.

At some point they think, "Hmm, maybe I AM worth it."

Do you plan on keeping coming?

Yeah, I hope so, hope so.

You know, I do want to get better.

Live.

It's hard, man.

It's hard, you know?

The dailiness of it can be sort of relentless.

All I can do is give it a go.

- Hey, do you want to hear a joke? - Go on.

So, it's an old one.

How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?

How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but the light bulb has to really want to change.

♪ Oh, here it goes

♪ I feel like fire

♪ I feel like rain

♪ I can take you higher

♪ But you've got to earn it

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