Original subtitles

(soft music)

(liquid dripping)

(typewriter keys clacking)

(thunder and lightening)

(train horn blaring)

(punk rock music)

(horn blaring)

(punk rock music)

(tires squealing)

(punk rock music)

(sirens wailing)

(tires squealing)

(punk rock music)

(static)

(beeping) (upbeat news music)

- You just heard that presentation

from Fathers Against Pornography,

who are helping to combat the terrible addictions

sweeping this land.

And you can help them fight this terrible addiction.

Go online and download their hints.

Since we're talkin' about addiction,

we should talk about the scourge

that is sweeping America right now.

We've brought this up on the show before,

and the government denies that it's a thing.

But we have here

this mountain of evidence.

Now I told Rufus, he's our head of research,

I told Rufus, get all of our documents together,

hours and hours of footage, it's time to put it on the air.

It is time.

(dramatic music)

There's a drug on the street, and it is killing us,

and we cannot let this continue.

Now they can call it what they like,

but we know what is.

Spunk.

In the 80s, they denied it.

They said it was just an urban legend.

That there's no such thing as Spunk.

That there isn't a drop of truth in Spunk.

I'm gonna fill you with so much Spunk truth,

that you're gonna have it coming out of

every hole of your body.

One day, you're going to look at America

and you're not going to recognize it.

You're gonna see a Spunk covered nation of

Spunked up people.

(dramatic music)

(upbeat, quirky music) (children playing)

(audience laughter)

- Hello Heather.

It's so good to see you on such short notice.

Shh. (audience laughter)

The baby's sleeping.

Come on in.

- Hi, Heather.

- [Woman] So how's school?

- [Heather] Um, money's a little tight,

but it's good.

- Well I suppose it's like anything difficult.

I'm sure you'll come out even stronger on the other end.

Alright.

Oh, um, I've got some numbers for you here,

in case of an emergency.

There's food in the fridge.

Help yourself to anything.

Are you 21?

Well there's beers in the fridge.

Go ahead and help yourself.

I won't tell. (audience laughter)

Stewart is a very, very light sleeper,

so please keep it down.

If he wakes, he'll be really cranky.

I think that's everything.

You've got our number.

- Where are you guys headed?

- Oh, we're going to an orgy.

Oh, I'm so excited. (audience laughter)

Last time we got Stewart.

This time?

Maybe I'll get his sister.

- Come on honey, or we're gonna be late for the disrobing.

(audience laughter) (audience clapping)

(slow, dramatic music)

(lightening striking) (dramatic music)

(woman screaming)

- I will wash my hands in his blood.

(phone ringing)

- Susie?

Hey girl.

- [Susie] What's up, Heather?

- Oh nothing.

I'm babysitting, and it is so boring here.

- [Susie] They got Netflix?

- No.

And I forgot my laptop.

- [Susie] That sucks.

They got any booze in the house?

- Just beer.

You know I don't like beer.

It tastes like old man ball sweat.

- [Susie] Speaking from experience?

- Ha ha.

You know what I mean.

- [Susie] Oh hey, I gotta go.

Steve's calling.

He's gonna come over and ruin me.

- Oh, alright, um, have fun.

Don't get pregnant.

- [Susie] Can you get pregnant from your mouth?

- Ugh.

Gross. (audience laughter)

(upbeat, quirky music)

(groaning)

(spitting) (audience laughter)

Oh, that's disgusting.

(audience laughter)

(scrubbing)

What is that?

(upbeat, quirky music)

It smells like pineapple. (audience laughter)

The Cleevers are Spunkers.

(audience laughter)

Well that explains a lot.

(upbeat, quirky music)

Geelee, what's a safe amount of Spunk to take?

- [Geelee] A tablespoon full of Spunk is the typical amount.

- Geelee, what's a safe way to ingest Spunk?

- [Geelee] Many people take Spunk rectally

and women prefer to take Spunk vaginally,

but the safest method is orally.

(upbeat, quirky music)

- Oh, this is stupid, Heather.

That stuff is dangerous.

Just order pizza, read a book, anything.

(upbeat, quirky music)

What the heck.

You only live once, right?

(squelching) (audience laughter)

(audience groaning)

(audience laughter)

(dramatic music)

(electronic pop music)

♪ The night has come ♪

♪ Darkness all around ♪

♪ So you better be ready ♪

♪ There's no way you'll be safe and sound ♪

♪ Like a tigress on the prowl ♪

♪ Like a cobra through the night ♪

♪ She's coming to get you ♪

♪ Watch out for her deadly bite ♪

♪ She's a love beast ♪

♪ Hunting for her prey ♪

♪ You better be ready ♪

♪ 'Cause she's coming your way ♪

♪ Love beast ♪

♪ One crazy ride ♪

♪ One look in her eyes ♪

♪ And you'll see nothing in sight ♪

♪ She's a love beast ♪

♪ She's got you now ♪

♪ There's no chance to run away ♪

♪ And you'll start to learn how cruel ♪

(Heather laughing)

(dramatic music)

- [Toy] You tickle the tummy.

- Oh shut up, shut up, shut up.

You're gonna wake the baby.

- [Toy] You tickle the tummy.

You tickle the tummy.

(grunting)

(strange music)

(gasping)

- What the?

What's happening?

(screaming)

(dramatic music)

(glass shattering)

The baby's room.

(dramatic music)

(Heather mumbling) (breathing heavily)

(dramatic music)

(door creaking)

(dramatic music)

(gasping)

(cawing)

Oh, what is that?

(sobbing) (dramatic music)

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, the baby.

(baby crying)

(screaming) (squelching)

(dramatic music) (Heather mumbling)

- [Man] 911 emergency.

- The crow man ate the baby.

- [Man] Excuse me?

Ma'am?

- The crow man ate the baby.

- [Man] Ma'am.

- He's gonna eat me next.

- [Man] I need you to slow down and give me your location.

- No, I'm in the house.

The crow man's here.

Send the pigs.

Okay.

I just have to go up there and get him out.

Yeah.

I just have to cut him out.

I can do that.

I can do that.

(dramatic music)

Don't fear, baby.

(dramatic music)

(door creaking)

(squelching) (chewing)

Give me back the baby.

(cawing)

You give me back the baby!

(cawing) (screaming)

(squelching)

(knocking)

- [Officer] Open up.

- Fuck off, I'm busy.

(knocking)

(crow man choking)

(grunting)

(knocking)

(dramatic music)

(knocking)

(dramatic music)

I'm coming, I'm coming.

Hold your horses.

(dramatic music)

(squealing)

(screaming)

(hitting) (squealing)

(dramatic music)

(gunshot) (squealing)

Go away.

We don't want any.

(upbeat, quirky music)

I'm hungry.

(upbeat, quirky music)

(keys jangling)

(chuckling)

- Woo.

I am sore and sticky.

- You're sore?

I feel like I've been sitting on a fire hydrant.

(laughing)

(gasping)

- Oh my god.

- Oh hey guys.

Sorry, but I ate up all your chicken.

(screaming)

(laughing)

(soft, upbeat orchestral music)

(beeping) (upbeat news music)

(sighing)

- If this is a delivery device from someone's

hideous agenda, it's certainly one that makes

me need to change my pants.

Now, uh, we've got a friend on the line from

Flickhead Video.

Travis, go ahead.

You're on the air.

- [Travis] Hiya John.

Thanks.

- I have the video that you sent in Travis.

Now, it took a while to get onto the computer,

but we,

for our younger viewers out there,

this is what we used to watch before DVD.

VHS cassettes.

Travis, why did you send over this tape?

- [Travis] Well, here at Flickhead, we take trade ins.

DVD, VHS, Hi8, whatever.

Two weeks back some vaping millennial fucktard

snowflake came in with his lumbersexual beard

and he had this great big box, right?

Inside, I fond this tape.

When I saw the title, it hit me, Johnny.

It was your show.

Okay?

Now I watched it all the time.

That Spunk was bad shit.

And I remember it.

And I know, well nobody fuckin' talks about it anymore,

and I don't know if it's some Mandela Effect

or somethin', but, but I tell ya,

I had to send it into ya.

- You're absolutely right Travis.

It is something bigger.

Is is the truth.

Actual, factual truth.

Now you stay tuned, Travis.

We've got something more coming up.

(static)

(slow, dramatic music)

- In today's modern world, there are so many threats

facing our children, it's hard to keep track of them all.

Heavy metal, video games,

live action role play.

But there's an epidemic sweeping across this nation,

and it threatens the very lives and souls

of each and every child.

It's in our homes.

It's in our schools, and it's on our streets.

Parents have been powerless to stop its insidious spread.

Until now.

(dramatic synth music)

It's a war zone out there.

And parents, consider this video cassette your

first line of defense.

Learn from us.

We're the experts.

Let us help you keep your kids from ever tasting

the Devil's Spunk.

(synth music)

(laughing)

The Devil's Spunk is transported in prophylactics.

These latex abominations that sinners use

to divert God's master plan.

In the average junior high school,

it's said that 93% of students have tried

the Devil's Spunk at least once.

Reports quote them as saying that it's a

"Totally rad drug"

and "It didn't taste as bad as Felicia said it would."

But the most important statistic that parents

need to know is this:

100% of students who've tried the Devil's Spunk

have just ruined their lives.

Forever.

(synth music)

Hm.

Let me tell you a story about a boy named Billy.

He was an all star athlete,

starting pitcher for the varsity team.

He got good grades.

Dated a beautiful girl.

Worshiped an even more beautiful God.

That is, until the day his soft, virgin lips

came into contact with

the Devil's Spunk.

(spitting)

- Give me the heat, Billy, give me the heat.

(spitting)

Come on Billy, give me the heat.

(spitting)

Give me the heat Billy.

Do it.

(kicking)

(spitting)

What was that Billy?

I told you to bring the heat.

That was as cold as my wife's chicken dinner.

(birds chirping)

(synth music)

- Hey Billy.

You look kind of bummed.

- Yeah.

Well you saw me stinkin' it up out there.

I just wanted to impress Coache, you know?

He's like the father figure I never had.

- I got something that might help you out.

- What is it?

- Oh man, it's the best.

It makes all the bad feelings go away.

Makes you strong.

One gulp of this and you're gonna be

rolling heaters all nine innings.

- Is it like a vitamin or something?

(laughing)

- Trust me.

You're gonna love it.

(synth music)

(birds chirping)

- [Coache] Come on, Billy, bring me the heat.

(dramatic music)

- It makes you strong.

One gulp of this and you're gonna be rolling heaters

all nine innings.

- Billy, bring me the heat.

Bring me the heat, Billy.

Come on, Billy.

Give me the heat.

Come on Billy, bring me the heat.

Bring me the heat.

(dramatic music)

(birds chirping)

Give me the heat!

Come on Billy!

Bring me the heat.

Bring me the heat.

Bring me the heat.

Bring me the heat, Billy.

Bring me the heat, bring me the heat.

Bring me the heat.

Bring me the heat.

Bring me the heat, Billy.

Bring me the heat.

Bring me the heat.

(hitting)

(Coache yelling)

Why, Billy boy?

Why?

I was like the father figure you never had.

(laughing)

- Oh my god.

Oh, what have I done?

- Oh.

I'm getting cold.

Colder than my wife's chicken dinner.

(laughing)

- No!

(slow, melancholy piano music)

Darn this Devil's Spunk.

- Instead of Ivy League colleges,

today's top students are ending up here.

Cut down in their prime.

It's up to you, America's parents.

Will you let the Devil squirt his Spunk

down your children's throats,

rotting them from the inside out?

Now that you know what's at stake,

you can't afford to stop.

In volume two of our series,

we'll teach you everything you need to know

to keep your children safe,

and to help them spit out

the Devil's Spunk.

(synth music)

(beeping)

- Hollywood has been corrupting us every year

with the smutty filth that they release

custom made to sell soda pop and hamburgers that'll

cause you erectile dysfunction.

How have they responded to the Spunk epidemic?

The same as always.

They exploit it.

I got this from documentary filmmaker Luke Lesser

and he's doing a film with us on the Spunk epidemic.

He did a shocking interview with director

George Grisby.

You're just gonna have to see it for yourself.

(static)

- George Grisby, are you George Grisby?

- Yeah, can I--

- I'm here with Actual Factual Truths.

We're making a documentary about Spunk.

- That's great.

Look, I was just going to get the mail.

I'm gonna head back--

- Your film, Spunk of the Reaper.

What were you thinking making this?

- What was I thinking?

Well I think with any film, there's always an element

of character and, look, why don't my people

get in contact with your people?

- Do you think it's responsible to make a film that

reinforces that Spunk is only a fiction?

That it's a myth?

- But it is a fiction.

I mean...

- Is it true that you used real Spunk in this film?

- Where did you hear that?

- Is it true that this film, you only made it

to get connections in the Spunk industry?

To get free Spunk?

Is it true that you told your assistant director,

and I quote, "Give me all the Spunk your mouth can hold?"

- This interview's over.

- Is it true that your lead actress OD'd, and had

to be replaced three times?

- You know, you gotta be really proud of yourself

spreading this kind of filth all over the place.

- We have evidence.

These are Actual Factual Truths.

- That's great.

Turn the camera off.

- Evidence. - Right now.

(coughing)

(chuckling)

- That is the face of a man who is afraid

of what he's about.

He's afraid of admitting that he has become a Spunk head.

One of the converted.

We've got a clip from Grisby's filth that they think

can tell us where Spunk comes from.

(coughing)

(chiming)

(slow, dramatic music) (waves crashing)

(soft, dramatic music) (people chattering)

- [Vincent] I never seen a Spunk sore like that before

and I was friends with Mark Cube Winters near the end.

- Yeah, Dar.

This here's the point of no return.

From here on out, it's a bullet train to oblivion.

- Is this that Senor Dios shit?

Mierda Fuertes.

- Of course not.

I got this shit in Tahiti.

Ken Hurst Showers' connection.

Mierda Fuerte is just now coming out.

- Dio sold a half a key to Chaz Politeri.

- Exactly.

Fucking big shot in the Spunk world.

- It's not that great.

- What?

- This stuff, it's nothing special.

I can barely feel it.

- Yeah, you always say that.

You could be lying there frothing at the mouth

telling us that Senor Dios' shit don't do fuck for you.

(laughing)

- Well now I gotta get some new shit.

- How the fuck did you get here, man?

I mean, you're shooting into an open sore

on your fuckin' arm, you freak.

- Yeah, you ought to get that shit checked out.

(footsteps approaching)

- [Vincent] Fuck.

- Maybe she wants some Spunk.

You never know.

It's everywhere, man.

All walks of life.

I'm tellin' ya.

- Look at Darry.

Hey Darry, buddy, you should've went after her.

- [Bill] That's right, Dar.

Spunkers got a funny way of checking out

when you least expect it.

Seize these moments, man.

You never know which one could be your last.

- Yes, Darry.

There you go young man.

- [Bill] Go forth!

Lay seed, fine baller!

(laughing)

(dramatic synth music)

- Hey, there, girl.

You got a light?

Hey, there, girl.

I've got some Spunk for you.

(slow, dramatic music)

You're Lexi Twist, aren't you?

- Who do I know you from?

- My brother.

My brother took you to prom senior year.

- Michael Ferrero?

- Yeah.

You introduced him to Spunk.

- Yeah, I know.

How's he doin'?

- Not great.

- So you're Denny right?

- Darry.

- Darry.

You got some Spunk for me, Darry?

- Some Spunk?

I mean yeah, I do.

It's not great or anything, but--

- What is that?

- It's nothing.

Fuck.

- Shit.

- It's not a big deal.

- You're gonna fucking die.

- Don't say that.

(slow, dramatic music)

(couple arguing)

- You're on it right now, aren't you?

This is a problem.

- I can take it or leave it.

- Why'd you follow me?

- I don't know, I just,

I remembered that one time you came over to our house.

I thought maybe you had some Spunk or something.

I don't know.

- You're cuter than your brother, you know.

- [Darry] Where are you going?

- My brother's party.

You wanna be my date?

- Date?

- Uh huh.

- What is it, a dinner party?

- It's a cooking party.

- But after the cooking comes the eating, no?

- We're cooking Spunk.

- Well, I accept your invitation.

- Let me do the talking.

(punk rock music)

- [Richard] Don't let it stick.

- [Crystal] I know.

- [Richard] I say that because you hesitated.

Tom's not getting back until the Fourth, correct?

- Correct.

Richard, sit down.

- Yoo hoo.

(punk rock music)

- [Richard] You don't know how to cook anything.

(slow, dramatic music)

- I have a surprise for you, mommy.

He's coming home tonight.

(punk rock music)

- [Richard] Lexi, what up?

(slow, dramatic music)

- [Lexi] I brought a friend.

- You what?

- This is the guy I was telling you about.

He's here to test drive the new shit.

- I thought that wasn't until Tuesday.

- Tonight, Richard.

I told you that.

- He's younger than you made it seem.

- He's young.

But experienced.

- [Richard] Hm.

What's wrong with the arm?

- It's nothing.

I hurt it running across the street.

There was a tire in the street--

Ow.

- Fuck, dude.

I aint never seen that.

Not that bad.

Take a seat Spunky.

Get ready to die young.

(punk rock music)

Excellent.

What's your name, man?

- [Darry] Darry.

- Now, Darry.

Your arm is seriously fucked.

Way beyond reversible.

- Okay.

- I've seen videos of this short of thing,

but never in person.

My uncle Jimmy passed three months ago.

His issues weren't half as bad as yours.

You're shooting straight into that thing, huh?

My uncle Jimmy had his first shot, he was just pphht.

Gone.

Never had a clear head after that.

So when he started dying, he wasn't able to deal with it.

Hadn't prepped himself.

Too high to ward off all the bad thoughts.

Got real fuckin' scared.

Never spent any of his life thinking about death.

You still got time.

- Yeah.

- But tonight?

You're gonna get Spunked to the gils, kid.

Ever heard of Mierda Fuerte?

I thought so.

Crystal, load up.

(punk rock music)

- Oh, Richard, I forgot something.

- I think this is too much.

- Nonsense, honey.

Nonsense.

- Richard.

- Yeah, Lexi?

- Tom's coming home tonight.

- Tonight?

What do you mean?

- I mean tonight.

Any time.

- Well Jesus fucking Christ, like when?

In a couple of hours?

What?

- I don't know.

Any time.

It could be any time.

- I'm not gonna have the batch done until Thursday.

- [Lexi] Well you're just gonna have to tell him that.

- Yeah.

- [Crystal] Jesus, Richard.

- It's gonna be fine.

Why the fuck didn't you tell me?

- Tom said not to use the phones.

- Use a payphone!

Fuck, Lexi!

- It's not that big of a deal.

- God!

(slow, dramatic music)

- Who's Tom?

- [Lexi] My brother.

- I thought he was your brother.

- He's not.

Well kind of, he is.

- Yeah.

Well, this has been fun and all,

but not really what I was expecting.

- Now I know you didn't follow me for nothing.

- You know what I came here for.

(slow, dramatic music)

Your mom is really freaking me out.

- I thought you said you had some Spunk for me, Darry.

- I think you have better stuff here.

- I want yours, big guy.

- Jesus Lexi.

Can you help me clean up a little?

What if he came home right now?

- He'll be mad at you, not me.

- Fuck you!

- Fuck you.

(dramatic music)

(speaking Spanish)

- Hola.

- [All] Hola, senor.

(upbeat Spanish music)

- Hi, mom.

(upbeat Spanish music)

Richard. - Yeah, Tom?

- Why the fuck are you still cookin' the shit?

- There was some miscommunication as to when

you were gonna be coming--

(gunshot)

- You couldn't just hurry him along, Crystal?

- I tried, Tom.

Honest to God, I tried.

(gunshot)

- [Lexi] That is the loudest damn gun.

- You get one chance in this world, matones.

And it's into the darkness you go.

Who's the greaser?

- This is our new test monkey.

- Yeah?

You gonna shoot or get off the pot, pony boy?

- I was,

I'm actually not that guy.

She just invited me in-- - Take it easy.

Let me see that arm.

(slow, dramatic music)

(speaking Spanish)

- I really,

your sister lied to me.

I didn't--

I don't wanna be here.

For any of this.

- Well, you're here.

And I've got everything you've been waiting for.

Hold still.

(slow, dramatic music)

You're already on your way out,

so why not climb up onto the higher plain?

(slow, dramatic music)

He's feeling it, Lexi.

Look at this fuck.

Embrace the nothing, kid.

It's only the transition that's troubling.

We're trying to provide good citizens

with a taste of oblivion.

The warm shroud.

That's how Mierda Fuerte's different.

It holds your hand as you cross over.

And once you cross that chasm, you're one with

everything else.

(slow, dramatic music)

So soak in the sensations now.

You've only got one shot to die properly.

(slow, dramatic music)

(clicking)

(disembodied voices) (slow, dramatic music)

- There's a unit out back.

It's where Tom keeps all the stuff.

If we take his car, we can make a break for Mexico

before anyone knows what happened.

(slow, dramatic music)

(heavy breathing)

- Why did you bring me here?

- Honey.

You brought yourself.

(gun cocking)

Mom?

(heavy breathing) (sniffling)

(gunshot)

(dramatic music)

(slow, dramatic music)

(disembodied voices)

(disembodied voices) (slow piano music)

(waves crashing) (slow piano music)

(waves crashing)

(dramatic music)

(sniffing) (dramatic music)

(deeply exhaling)

- And it's not just the drugs on the streets

or the Hollywood elitists.

It's a whole goddamn web of bullshit.

Here to tell you more is Rufus,

our had researcher.

He's gonna give you the straight poop, folks.

Take it away, Rufus.

- Spunk is evil.

This, we know for a fact, and it takes many forms,

but what is the goal of this plan?

Well we start with street crime.

You know, the usual government control methods.

Then we have Spunk denial.

That's Hollywood, news media,

and millennials.

Next, we have government, and they are the true

pushers of this drug because no matter

where it came from, one thing's for certain.

They are using it on us.

Drinking water, chem trails, and weather control.

Florida, America's wing, has more to worry about

than Viagra shortages this year.

Now, what we have here clearly shows that

Spunk is not only real, but it is everywhere and...

Jesus Christ, the Illuminati, of course.

John, I need to look at my notes.

This changes everything.

(chiming)

(soft orchestral music)

(knocking)

(soft orchestral music)

- Oh, wow.

Nice place you have here.

(soft orchestral music)

- Thanks.

Costs an arm and a leg, but, uh,

I really do like the location.

- Wait, you have a room mate?

It costs extra for two.

I don't really mind if anyone watches

as long as they don't do anything weird.

- That's a spare bedroom.

I've been thinking about getting another room mate, but, uh,

it's really hard to find somebody you can trust, you know?

- Yeah, I totally get it.

(unzipping)

- Drink?

- I don't usually drink around clients.

But, you seem pretty normal.

(Elijah laughing)

- Glad you think so.

You should tell my ex that.

(soft orchestral music)

You mind if I partake?

- [Chance] Not at all.

(lighter igniting)

You know, that shit makes me tired.

Got anything else?

(soft orchestral music)

- I've got this stuff called Spunk.

- Spunk?

- Yeah.

It's kind of like weed.

I mean, you've had the munchies before, right?

On this, it's like a thousand times more.

I mean, this shit's fucking insatiable.

It's pretty expensive and pretty strong.

- I'll pass.

- [Elijah] Alright.

(soft orchestral music)

- You know, you're a lot better looking

than most guys that have me over.

And, this isn't a shitty motel by the highway.

Are you sure you need to hire someone to fuck you?

- The truth is,

this is my first time ever doing something like this.

I could just really go for something with

no strings attached.

Is that bad?

- I like no strings.

How do you feel about no shirts?

(dramatic music)

(both sighing)

Wow.

I usually charge double for that last thing

you did there, but, damn.

This isn't your first rodeo, is it?

- I can't say that it is.

- Well, practice makes perfect, I guess.

Hey, do you mind if I use your bathroom real quick?

- Sure.

Knock yourself out.

(slow, dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(gasping)

(hitting)

(dramatic music)

(cutting)

(slow, dramatic music)

(laughing)

"Knock yourself out."

(laughing)

I crack myself up sometimes.

"Knock yourself out."

That's a fucking great one.

"Knock yourself out."

"Knock yourself out." (laughing)

"Knock yourself out." (laughing)

'Cause you're knocked out. (laughing)

(slow, tinkling music)

(soft jazzy music)

(woman laughing)

(people chattering) (slow, dramatic music)

You picked a beautiful spot on a bleak day

to read a bleak novel.

(laughing)

- It was next on my list of books to read,

and who doesn't love a bleak novel on a bleak day?

(chuckling)

- If I'm gonna be reading about the end of the world,

I'd prefer to be at home in a bathtub full of bubbles.

Do you mind?

- Sure.

- I'm Elijah.

- Madison.

But everybody calls me Maddy.

- How long is that list of yours, Maddy?

- Unfortunately, it's growing a lot faster than I can read.

But, when you read all the articles, it takes a lot

longer to get through those Playboys.

(laughing)

- When I was in middle school,

I read so many Playboy articles

that I gave myself carpal tunnel syndrome.

(laughing)

On a good day, a book like that can be finished

in one sitting.

Do you plan on being here all day?

- I was just planning on coming here

and taking in the sights and sounds and seeing

where my day takes me.

What about you?

- I like coming in here to draw.

- [Maddy] What do you like to draw?

- I've been, uh,

working on things that don't move.

Uh, maybe one day I'll be able to capture movement.

- I get it.

When I was in college, I took an art class.

For an entire quarter, I stood there

in front of canvas, with paintbrush in hand,

and somehow, I got worse.

(laughing)

- Oh.

- Can I see some of your drawings?

- Uh.

No, it's really not--

- [Maddy] Just a little peak.

- No, it's really not ready to be seen or...

- [Maddy] Just a little?

- No.

I mean,

no.

Um...

- I promise I won't say anything.

- It...

I'm gonna go.

- It was nice meeting you, Elijah.

(people chattering)

- [Elijah] Maddy?

- Yeah?

- [Elijah] Would you like to go out to dinner tonight?

- Dinner sounds like fun.

- Great.

How does six sound?

- It sounds perfect.

- I'll see you tonight.

(upbeat jazzy music)

(lighter igniting)

(upbeat jazzy music)

(upbeat jazzy music)

(zipping)

(strange electronic music)

Keep it down tonight, buddy.

I got a hot date.

(strange electronic music)

Whiskey.

- [Waiter] A whiskey.

Alright.

And, would you like to start out with any appetizers?

Like to hear our specials?

- Sure.

- [Waiter] We've got an egg flower soup,

with a side of fava beans.

Interest you at all?

- No.

Just the drink.

- [Waiter] Alright.

One whiskey coming up for ya.

(door opening)

(footsteps approaching) (slow, dramatic music)

- Hey.

(soft, upbeat music)

(muffled screaming)

- Shh.

(muffled screaming)

Shh.

(muffled screaming)

You know it takes a lot longer to bleed out

than they make to look in the movies.

Last time I cut some guy's dick off,

he just sat there and cried and whined

like a little girl for three hours

before he finally bled out.

(soft operatic music) (muffled screaming)

By the way,

great spot for dinner.

I'm sure by now you can tell that I'm

not really into the drinks.

But I sure appreciate the cocktails.

You seemed like such a nice guy.

(muffled screaming) (soft operatic music)

You really need to try

(coughing)

this Spunk stuff.

I mean,

why eat a cheeseburger when you can eat a guy

that you just met at the coffee shop?

Am I right?

(muffled screaming) (soft operatic music)

(staggered breathing)

Oh yeah, it looks like dinner's almost bled out.

Hey.

Thanks again for the drinks.

You seemed like such a nice guy.

(soft operatic music)

(electronic music)

- You're saying that you're the last one, senator?

- Everyone else is one of them.

Everyone else is one of them.

They're out to get me, John.

They're everywhere.

I sent the pictures.

I sent them.

You've got to get them out there.

You've gotta get 'em out there.

- My god, senator.

You're saying that they have control of the military?

- It was a silent but deadly invasion.

Their gonads.

Their gonads.

(slow, dramatic music)

(gunshot)

- Senator?

Senator?

Senator?

Sweet Jesus.

Their gonads?

(slow, dramatic music)

Sweet Mary mother of Jesus.

(dramatic music)

(lighter igniting)

(lighter igniting)

(upbeat electronic music)

- What type of super hero would you be?

- I think you mean what kind of super powers

would you want?

- Oh.

That makes more sense.

- I would not be a super hero.

People don't deserve my mercy.

- You would be the best villain, Becky.

- Yeah, I know, right?

- I would be a super hero for sure.

- Oh sweetie, I don't think you'd last very long

if you had powers.

Probably end up with something like fire

and blow yourself up.

- Either that, or I'd have to kill you.

Being a super villain and all.

- I would heal people.

- Oh, look at you wanting to save the world.

- When my mom was dying of cancer,

I used to pray and pray that I could heal her.

It would be my way of making it up to her.

- Well that took a turn.

(door closing)

- What was that?

- [Becky] It was probably just the pizza Abby ordered.

- And they let themselves into the house?

- Wait, I was the one that was supposed to order the pizza?

- You're kidding me, right?

I'm dying right now.

Like my body is literally eating itself alive,

I'm so fucking hungry.

- [Abby] Well that's what you get for putting

me in charge of responsibilities.

- Hold on.

(growling)

- Baby!

- You scared the shit out of me.

- Tonight's no boys allowed.

- Easy now.

And here, I brought you a gift.

- I'm sorry about my cousin.

He can be a little immature.

- A little?

- Relax.

And here, I brought you a gift, too.

- Nice, Spunk.

- Sorry, what?

- You're kidding, right?

You don't know what Spunk is?

- It's just like that pipe you're smokin' over there.

- I mean, I know what Spunk is, but,

why would someone wanna take your orgasm juice

and turn it into a drug?

- That's uh, that's not how it works.

- It is the way I do it.

- What would make you think I wanted that as a gift?

- Oh come on, all the cool kids are doing it.

All you have to do is open wide.

I'll take care of the rest.

- Xombie Spunk?

- Yeah it's this new strand.

I haven't tried it yet.

- But I heard that it's awesome.

Do you wanna try it?

- Do I wanna put Spunk in my mouth?

Can I lick it off your body?

- Yeah, sure.

- Alright.

- Gross.

- Oh, come on.

It'll be fun.

- It's supposed to be a girl's night.

No boys allowed.

- Ugh, but, drugs and stuff.

- Yeah.

Drugs and stuff.

(slow, dramatic music)

(bed squeaking) (moaning)

- What kind of super power would you have?

I mean, like, if you could choose?

I always thought I wanted to be invisible,

but not like in the pervy way.

Just,

I just didn't know who I was.

I mean, until I met you.

(electronic music)

I don't think this Spunk's working.

Lucy, you okay?

(electronic music)

Lucy, stop fuckin' around.

(dramatic music)

(slow, dramatic music)

(clattering)

- What the hell is that?

(Lucy yelling)

- [Abby] Becky?

- Where's my cousin?

- In there.

- Baby, don't.

- Give me a break.

She's just tweakin'.

You gotta move.

(slow, dramatic music)

Hey, Lucy?

- What'd you see?

- Hey Lucy?

It's me, Guy.

(growling) (yelling)

- Guy?

(ripping) (squelching)

Oh fuck.

I was just starting to like him.

(door opening)

(slow, dramatic music)

(gasping)

(neck cracking) - Oh.

Wow, I feel so much better.

- Lucy?

- Yeah?

- You okay?

- Yeah.

Sorry, the Spunk stuff made me trip out or something.

Did I do something embarrassing?

Why are you guys acting so weird?

What the fuck happened?

- You kind of,

you kinda ate him.

- Oh shit.

I heard this could happen.

- Excuse me?

- Well that's why they call it Xombie.

One in 10 people can turn into a zombie.

- But there's only five of us.

- Lucy, don't.

- What am I gonna do?

I can't call the police.

- I can.

What?

It's my house.

My mom is going to kill me.

- [Kathy] You are 25 years old.

(gasping)

- Hey.

Maybe he's okay.

I won't have to go to jail.

(screaming)

- Lucy!

No!

Abby!

(dramatic music)

- Shit.

(growling)

Ugh.

Seriously?

- Baby?

Are you okay?

(growling)

(grunting) (growling)

- Somebody!

Anybody, come on!

- Do we have to?

- Abby!

- Maybe we can fix him.

He's still a person.

- Oh my god, morality later.

Stabby stab now.

- I'm just saying.

- Be a fucking super hero.

- I just wanna heal people.

- Oh Jesus Christ.

Hey Guy.

Open wide.

(squelching)

(grunting)

(slow piano music)

(lighter igniting)

Strength.

- What?

- I think I'd pick super strength.

- That's a good one.

(slow piano music)

- I'm sorry about that.

- It's okay.

I think he was actually a drug dealer.

- He was totally a drug dealer.

- Yeah, I buy all my drugs from him.

- Yeah.

(sighing)

- I'm sorry for always seeing the good in people.

(soft piano music)

- Hey Kathy?

- [Kathy] Yeah?

- Did you say "open wide?"

- Yeah, you know, it felt right in the moment.

- It's just usually when someone says open wide,

it's more of a mouth thing, like, ah.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

I felt like I had a better chance of

hitting the brain through the eye.

(growling)

(thumping)

- What is that?

- Shit.

- You ready for this?

- Do I really have a choice?

- I'm still high.

Is that Lucy?

I thought she was dead.

- She is dead.

- Try to keep up, Abs.

Abby, I need you to open the door.

- Hold on.

I have to...

(grunting)

(exhaling)

(slow, dramatic music)

Oh.

- Ready?

- [Becky] Set.

(growling)

(yelling)

(soft orchestral music)

- Now some of you at home,

I know you are skeptics.

That you think this is a passing thing,

that it's just going to go away.

Well it isn't.

Don't you understand?

They want us to be so busy fighting each other

that we won't even notice when they take over

the whole goddamn fucking planet!

If you think this symbol of America is enough,

you're wrong.

(grunting)

(clattering)

If you think you can hide, you're wrong.

If you think you can run far enough away, you're wrong.

They are demons from outer space, and they are going

to kill everyone.

We know that video games are basically

programming us.

Why do you think they call it computer programming?

Murder simulators that are turning our children

into raving lunatics.

This toy for kids is to train them for the army.

That's step one.

Step two,

add Spunk.

(static)

(video game music)

(video game music)

(video game music)

(gunfire)

- [Lara] Marcus, can we talk to you for a second?

- Hold on.

(video game music)

(birds chirping)

What's up?

- I know what's been going on.

- Nothing's been going on.

I just,

you know, I've been practicing.

For the big Speed Run livestream.

I'm just really focused right now.

- It's not about the video games, Marcus.

We know that's always been your thing.

And you're really good at them.

And I'm not one to judge with the D&D Saturdays

every week.

- We know you're using Spunk.

- Bill.

Not around Lance.

- I'm sorry, well what am I supposed to say?

That he's taking BS-128?

White Claudia?

Chud?

This drug is tearing you apart.

- Bill means well.

We all do.

- It's not a big deal.

I mean,

I mean,

it's just, I... - Hey.

Hey, look.

When's the last time you slept?

- Three days ago.

- When did you last eat?

- Yesterday?

I think.

It's Friday, right?

The 10th?

- It's Tuesday, the 14th.

- Look at your hands, Marcus.

(birds chirping)

(Bill sighing)

- It's time to unplug.

The real world is here.

And it misses you.

And we miss you, man.

- We miss you, Uncle Mark.

- I miss you guys, too.

I miss you so much.

- Okay, so then what are you saying?

- I'm done.

I'm done using Spunk.

- Come here.

You promise?

(cars passing by)

- [Bill] You sure you wanna detox at home?

- Yeah.

It's better here.

The games, they'll,

they'll help me get through it.

It's better to have something to focus on

rather than the crash, right?

- Have you dumped your stash yet?

- No, that's--

(static booming)

Did you just see that?

- No.

Is something there?

- Just my imagination.

- Right.

(pinging)

- Alright.

(sighing)

- Seriously?

Condoms?

- That's how Boon likes to deliver it.

- Alright man.

I'm here, buddy.

(deeply inhaling)

- Yeah.

(flushing)

It's done.

- Well look at that.

The winner is you.

(pinging)

Guess now is the hard part, right?

(slow, dramatic orchestral music)

(kettle blaring)

(slow, dramatic orchestral music)

(dripping)

(slow, dramatic orchestral music)

(barfing) (coughing)

(rain falling)

(slow, dramatic orchestral music)

- I don't think I can do this, Lara.

- Hey, Mark, listen to me.

You are doing this, okay?

You're doing it right now.

It's,

okay, right now, it sucks.

It's really hard, and I get that,

but you've just gotta get through this part, okay?

'Cause once you get past it, everything is about

to get so much better for you.

You know you're like my favorite person

in the world, right?

You are so smart and so funny,

and you care so much about other people.

I just,

it killed me seeing what this Spunk

has done to you man, because,

because I miss my friend, and I'm so excited

to get him back, okay?

You've got this.

- Thanks.

That means a lot coming from you.

- That's what friends are for, right?

- Yeah.

Best friends.

(slow, dramatic orchestral music)

(video game music)

(video game music)

(rain falling) (sirens blaring)

(slow, dramatic video game music)

(knocking)

(groaning)

(knocking)

- Shit, man.

You look awful.

- Go away, Boon, please.

I feel asleep.

- Hey don't be like that.

I got that new stuff for ya.

The one you were asking about last month.

- Not interested.

I quit.

- Yeah, bullshit you quit.

Don't be a cunt, trust fund.

Let us in.

- I'm not-- - Hey.

You bugged me for weeks for something bigger.

Better.

I've got it.

Now let me the fuck in.

(clicking) (dramatic music)

You've got it lucky, you know.

Trust fund kid.

Got to quit your job.

Play video games all day.

Look at you.

You got your own house and everything.

Got the life, huh?

But me?

I'm busting my ass trying to stay alive.

And it's up to people like you,

paying customers, to keep me alive.

Come on man.

Help me out.

Now,

I've got this good shit.

Best Spunk you've ever tasted.

That's crazy good stuff.

You told me about overclocking my PC, but this?

Will overclock your brain.

(slow, dramatic music)

(snapping)

(slow, dramatic music)

- No.

No!

No, please!

Don't!

Stop!

Please, don't.

(slow, dramatic music)

Please.

Please.

(slow, dramatic music)

(heart beating)

- Fuck.

What now?

- You know what?

Too much trouble.

Let's take what we can get and book it.

- Sweet.

I get dibs on that original Legend of Zelda.

- [Boon] Fucking nerd.

(rustling)

(static)

(video game music)

(slow, dramatic music)

(knuckles cracking)

(dramatic video game music)

- Shit, he's up.

- Finish him.

(dramatic music)

(rock music)

(grunting)

Motherfucker!

(electronic rock music)

(gunshots)

(squelching) (grunting)

(heart beating)

(squelching)

- [Narrator] Marcus wins.

Perfect victory.

Killer instinct.

(slow, dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

- It's all a game.

It's all a fucking game.

(upbeat video game music)

Hey, what's up?

- [Lara] Help me.

Marcus, we're under attack.

Please, hurry.

- I'm on my way.

(dramatic video game music)

(pinging)

(dramatic video game music)

(static)

(dramatic video game music)

(dramatic music)

(dramatic video game music)

- This is where your quest ends, Poopy Boy.

- Let's dance.

(gunshots)

(gunshot)

(hitting)

(yelling)

(dramatic video game music)

(hitting) (grunting)

Why'd you do it, Simon?

Why'd you turn evil?

You were sensible.

- There's a secret to everybody.

(grunting)

(hitting) (grunting)

(buzzing)

(yelling)

(exploding)

(dramatic video game music)

(gunshots)

(dramatic video game music)

(gunshot)

(dramatic music)

(laughing)

(buzzing)

(laughing)

(dramatic music)

(snapping) (buzzing)

(pinging)

(buzzing)

(gunshots)

(gunshots)

(pinging)

(laughing)

- Jackpot!

(buzzing)

(snapping)

(gunshots)

(gunshot)

(gunshots)

(dramatic video game music)

(buzzing)

(pinging)

(gunshot)

(booming)

(gun cocking)

(gunfire)

- Get the heck out of here, you nerd!

(gunshots) (dramatic action music)

(gunshots) (dramatic action music)

(gunfire)

Marcus.

Pause.

(pinging)

(phone ringing)

Hey, mom.

Hey.

Aunt Patty?

She has cancer?

Oh, my god.

Hey listen, I'm kind of in a battle right now.

Can I call you back?

I will call you back right afterwards, I promise.

(soft music)

Okay.

(dramatic action music)

You didn't pull the pin, you noob!

(gunshot)

(yelling)

(heavy breathing)

I'll see you in hell.

(gun cocking)

- Tell Satan he's next.

(gunshot)

Heavy machine gun.

(video game music)

(static)

(dramatic video game music)

Here comes a new challenger, you alien bastards.

Come get some.

(dramatic music)

(creature vocalizing)

(dramatic music)

What the hell?

(creature vocalizing)

(screeching)

(dramatic music)

(slow, dramatic music)

- Hello, Marcus.

(slow, dramatic music)

Is that for me?

Come now.

Surely you wouldn't kill your own child.

- What about Nate, you-- - Shh.

Nate was a mistake.

I thought he could give me what I needed.

But I was wrong.

Nate's a child.

Weak.

(dramatic music)

He was never going to be the one.

(dramatic music)

It was always you, Marcus.

(dramatic music)

I always wanted it to be you.

(dramatic music)

(shifting) (dramatic music)

(shifting)

(tearing) (splattering)

(creature crying)

(laughing)

Welcome to your doom.

(gunshot)

(creature crying)

(gunshots)

(slow, dramatic music)

(creatures vocalizing)

(slow, dramatic music)

(gunfire)

(gunfire)

(gunfire)

(gunfire)

(gunfire)

(gunfire)

(gunfire)

(yelling) (gunfire)

(gun clicking)

(slow, dramatic music)

(gasping)

(grunting)

(dramatic music)

Marcus, stop, please.

Marcus.

Marcus, you don't have to do this.

You don't have to do this.

Stop, please.

Marcus, stop, please.

(laughing) (dramatic music)

(sawing) (squelching)

(choking)

(squelching)

(slow, dramatic music)

- [Narrator] You win.

New high score.

(upbeat video game music)

Game over.

(deeply exhaling)

- I win.

(laughing)

I got the high score, bitch.

High score.

(laughing)

(woman crying)

(slow, dramatic music)

- All day I've been telling you about Spunk.

About how dangerous it is, but,

well, people are blinded by complacency.

They don't listen.

They won't act.

And that's why I do this show.

That's why I put my ass on the line everyday.

I can't sleep.

I haven't eaten in two days.

And all because I see this great country Spunking itself

into oblivion.

I have here, from some anonymous tipster

that I've been corresponding with for the last year,

an honest to god Spunk sample.

And he says here,

"There are traces of actual alien DNA in this,

"along with synthetic GMO pig fat,

"and unholy water that was demonically possessed

"by the monks of Aleister Crowley's Manson Clan."

And it came with these instructions.

(slow, dramatic music)

- [Man] John Oak.

Jonathan Nigel Oakwell.

This is the voice of the Xenuvians.

You are now under our control.

- Yes Master Xeuvian.

- [Man] At the sound of the bell,

you will be under my control.

(chiming)

You are not holding Spunk.

Spunk does not exist.

You have deluded yourself, and your audience.

There is no connection between any

murders and Spunk.

What is in your hand is your own seminal fluid.

You are going to open the condom.

You are going to ingest it,

and it will taste like your semen.

Yes.

That's good.

Swirl it in your mouth like that.

Daddy likes seeing you take it.

Now swallow like a good little boy.

I am going away now.

At the sound of the seventh bell,

you are going to tell your audience these words:

Spunk is dead.

Spunk is dead.

It was all a lie.

It was all a lie.

Do you understand, John Oak?

- Yes, daddy.

- [Man] You have done your part in this plan.

After you have made this public announcement,

you will burn your house down.

- Yes, daddy.

(chiming)

(chiming)

(chiming)

(chiming)

(punk rock music)

- [Reverend Raymond] The Devil's Spunk.

(synth music)

(static)

(soft music)

- [Darry] Why did you bring me here?

- [Lexi] Honey, you brought yourself.

- [Bill] This here's the point of no return.

From here on out, it's a bullet train to oblivion.

- [Tom] We're trying to provide good citizens with

a taste of oblivion.

The warm shroud.

That's how Mierda Fuerte's different.

It holds your hand as you cross over.

And once you cross that chasm,

you're one with everything else.

So soak in the sensations now.

You've only got one shot to die properly.

(strange, tinkling music)

(synth pop music)

(upbeat video game music)

(static)

(dramatic music)

(dramatic electronic music)