All language subtitles for Schizopolis.1996.WEBRip.x264-ION10

Ladies and gentlemen,
young and old, this

may seem an unusual
procedure, speaking to you

before the picture begins.

But we have an unusual subject.

Turn.

When I say that this is the most
important motion picture you

will ever attend, my motivation
is not financial gain

but a firm belief that the
delicate fabric that holds all

of us together will be ripped
apart unless every man, woman,

and child in this
country sees this film

and pays full ticket price.

Not some bargain
matinee cut rate deal.

Turn.

In the event that you find
certain sequences or ideas

confusing, please
bear in mind that this

is your fault not ours.

You will need to see the picture
again and again until you

understand everything.

Turn.

In closing, I want to
assure you that no expense

was incurred bringing this
motion picture to your theater.

And now, filmed in its
entirety and proven

to heal minor cuts and
abrasions, we probably present,

Schizopolis.

NARRATOR: His best
seller, Here I Am Now,

helped you find yourself.

His groundbreaking sequel,
How to Control Your Own Mind,

taught you how to think.

Now T. Azimuth Schwitters,
author of the earth shattering

manifesto, Eventualism, and
the world's most influential

thinker is appearing
in person February

11th at the Civic
Sports Memorial

Performing Arts Theatre Dome.

Tickets on sale wherever
tickets are sold.

WOMAN: All of my
anxiety subsided.

My life before was full
of rituals and habits.

There was a time
when, for instance, I

was brushing my teeth
every 15 minutes

because I couldn't remember--

THERAPIST: Really.

If I had just brushed them.

And in fact, I almost
lost all my teeth.

But you don't do that now.

WOMAN: No.

No, not anymore.

I see.

Um, that's great.

So you felt relief?

You feel free?

WOMAN: Yes, yes.

Any other words you'd use
to describe how you feel now?

Uh, I feel in control.

I feel much happier
than I've ever been.

There's just one more
thing I need to ask you

and then I'll be
out of your hair.

WOMAN: Sure.

Are you currently taking
any sort of medication?

Oh, no.

No.
- No?

WOMAN: No.
- Really?

OK.

WOMAN: Really.

[phone ringing]

Yeah?

SECRETARY (ON PHONE):
Your brother on two.

OK.

Stop it.

MAN (ON PHONE): Have
you thought about it?

I don't have to
think about it.

MAN (ON PHONE): How long
before they figure out

don't have a brother?

[baby crying]

NARRATOR: First I am born.

Then the trouble begins.

At age five, I
fantasized that I'm

an orphan by trying to lose
my parents at a 4th of July

celebration.

They find me.

[baseball sounds]

NARRATOR: At age nine, I have
an out-of-body experience

while playing right field.

Three runs score.

At age 15, I'm seized
by an acute sensation

that something terrible
will happen to me.

[crash]

[music playing]

I don't usually do
these sorts of things.

Interviews.

MAN: Alright.

Is this being filmed or taped?

MAN: Its filmed.

[music playing]

[groan]

Sir?

Sir, are you OK?

Well, we have a myocardial
infarction of the interior wall

of the left ventricle.

Sir?

Sir, can you hear me?

The secondary to a
thrombosis occlusion

of interior descending branch
of the left coronary artery.

Um, we should
press on his chest.

Probably both were
caused by a fat laden

diet and sedentary lifestyle.

Maybe you should just
go call an ambulance.

Oh, OK.

Which when combined with
a stressful work environment

leads to a myocardial
infarction of the interior wall

of the left ventricle.

Right.

Right.

Yeah, I'm feeling really
awful to begin with.

Even before that
horrible thing happened.

And so when things
get really terrible

I'm wondering how much more
depressing this can be.

And I saw this sad show about
one happy couple and I just--

Look, um-- I'm sorry.

I'm right-- I've got
to do this thing.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, it's just--

No, I know I'm just
this sad, gloomy,

wretched, depressed guy.

And it's--
- No.

It's--

I know.

You know, if we can
just do this another time.

Yeah.

My stomachs kind of
hurting me anyway.

OK.

Dark circles under the
eyes, ambulatory discontent,

tendency to watch
the SPICE channel,

combined with a fat laden diet
and sedentary lifestyle could

result in fatigue,
psycho-neurotic disorder,

hyper parasympathetic
echo effect,

dark circles under the eyes.

Oh, hey.

How's it going?

Oh, not good.

OK.

I'll see ya.

[music playing]

[music playing]

Fletch?

Hey.

Did you hear about Lester?

Wh-what?

Heart attack.

This morning.

FLETCH: You're kidding.

Yeah.

Just dropped dead.

Well, did somebody
call Shelley?

Yeah, they called
her from the hospital.

I mean, you could see it coming.

What do you mean?

Well, the guy ate like
hell, had chronic insomnia,

his blood pressure was way high.

And I think he had some
symptoms of diabetes, too.

Wh-what are those?

COWORKER: Sneaking candy
bars, swollen ankles,

constantly running to the
bathroom to, uh, urinate.

Hm.

Oh, and you know how Lester
didn't write anything down?

Right.

Well, now they're looking for
a speech and it's in his head,

and he's dead.

Hmm.

Oh, but what I really
came here to tell

you is I placed another order.

So--
FLETCH: Oh.

You'll be getting
another shipment.

FLETCH: Oh, OK.

- If you could keep--
- I'll keep an eye out.

Yeah.
- Thank you so much.

All right.

Take it easy.

Don't work too hard.

OK.

[phone ringing]

Yeah?

SECRETARY (ON PHONE):
Your uncle on four.

All right.

All right.

Goddamn it.

What?

Hello?

MAN (ON PHONE): $50,000 and
that's our opening offer.

You could probably talk us up.

Why don't you
guys leave me alone?

MAN (ON PHONE):
We could do that.

Of course, then we'd just
have to call somebody else.

Often a person
of this-- a person

of this type imagines
himself the subject

of a detailed biography.

He's-- he's incapable
of experiencing

any emotion or event,
no matter how trivial--

CAMERAMAN: You didn't mark it.

CAMERAMAN 2: I didn't?

No matter how insignificant.

A person is often incapable
of experiencing any event

or emotion, no matter
how insignificant,

without-- without
imagining it set in type

and scrutinized by the public.

[music playing]

[door knocking]

Arsenal.

Noah's army.

Um, Noah's army.

Um, beef diaper.

Nomenclature.

I like him.

Very much.

Throbbing dust generation.

Drum tissue outburst.

Jigsaw.

Mm-hmm.

Um, fragment, chief,
butter, king, surgery, mind.

Funny bucket.

A precision gal, I sponge.

Smell sly.

[beep]

Let's take a moment and
talk about Azimuth Schwitters.

What is your opinion
of Schwitters

and the organization?

Oh, that Azimuth Schwitters.

He's the worst kind of charlatan
and raconteur you can imagine.

He's built a multimillion
dollar empire

out of duping the
American public

with this scheme, movement.

And it's nothing
more than a series

of rambling, solipsistic
musings about relieving oneself

of all sense of personal
responsibility--

and responsibility to
the community, too.

And worse than that we have
information from inside sources

that he's beginning to get
a little off in the head.

And his business
manager is having

to run everything for him.

I've devoted myself to exposing
this leader for the fraud

that he is.

And--

Are you all right?

My-- my tooth.

Can we do this again?

Yeah, let's--
let's do it again.

[music playing]

So how long do you think
this is going to take?

You've been through
all six floors.

WOMAN: He has 11 cars.

MAN: 11?

MAN 2: He doesn't have 11 cars.

Ask him.

We've been to his house.

WOMAN: What were you
doing at his house?

MAN 2: Washing cars.

MAN: May I finish? [laughter]
So I was speaking with this guy

from statistics who says we
have a mole in here somewhere.

- A mole?
- Or something.

Who's got a mole?

What do you mean, a mole?

No, a mole is a spy.

Apparently, there's
a guy in creative

who's leaking information--

Who?

A guy.

Leaking information
to Thadius Tribie.

Now this guy tells
me the right hand

man has got himself a mole.

A spy and a mole?

No, I didn't say that.

I said, there's a guy leaking--

You said there's a guy
leaking information to Tribie.

To Thadius Tribie.
Correct.

That's a spy.

Then you said the right
hand man got himself a mole.

I would assume to
check on the spy.

That's two people.

OK.

There's a spy, and
there's a mole.

Well, that's twice as
many as a minute ago.

I've been here at
least three years.

How long have you been here?

Long enough.

I say the guy that
told you is the mole.

No, that's impossible.

He's been here seven years.

I've worked with this
guy since the mailroom.

You're the mole.

No, no, no.

He's the spy.

No, he's the spy.

If I were the spy,
would I be standing

here saying there's a spy?

And a mole.

Maybe.

That's good cover.
Right.

Forget it.

I am not the source on
this, and I'm serious.

OK.

It's clear.

You can get back to work.

Hoodwinked, scatter, bark.

Hasty landmine.

Ambassador,
jumpsuit, landmine.

Munson.

I don't need to tell you
how critical this is.

Hometown, pay per view,
the eyes of the media.

Here's what I need.

It should be lengthy enough to
seem substantial yet concise

enough to feel breezy.

It should be serious
but with a slight wink.

It should lay out a new
course of action but one

that can change
direction at any moment.

If you must mention facts and
figures, don't do so directly.

The general thrust should remain
embedded in one's mind forever,

but specific words
should be forgotten

the moment they are heard.

It should contain nothing that
can't be confirmed or denied.

It should be on my
desk Friday morning.

Is there something you want?

Master Richards has fucked
me, has fucked Mr. Schwitters,

and has fucked the
entire corporation.

You're writing the speech.

I can't.

Are you telling me that you
can't take a substantial raise

or that huge new office?

Is that what you're telling me?

Friday?

10:00 AM.

I'll just--

[music playing]

About your promotion-- I just
wanted to let you know that

even though you've been promoted
ahead of a lot of other people

that have been here a
lot longer than you--

that nobody seems to resent you
that I've talked to recently.

So congratulations.

Thanks.

Thanks.

[music playing]

Hello.

Hello.

How are you?

Fine.

Is your wife
coming over tonight?

Because her big ass always
leaves me satisfied.

Nice of you to mention her.

She enjoys sex with you much
more than she does with me.

I'm sure she says that to all
the men in the neighborhood.

You may be right
about that one.

I'll see you later.

OK.

Generic greeting.

Generic greeting returned.

Immanence sustenance.

Overly dramatic statement
regarding upcoming meal.

Ooh.

False reaction indicating
hunger and excitement.

Froglevel.

Elmo.

WOMAN (ON PHONE): Elmo.

Noah's army.

Noah's army.

Green Bay shuffleboard.

WOMAN (ON PHONE):
Vanity wedlock.

Sodium bypass.

Wigwam.

Uh, gypsy landmine.

Calculator revised landmine.

WOMAN (ON PHONE): Zygote.

Chief rebound.

[laughter]

Zygote.

Tea house, grain structure.

Mellow, rhubarb, turbine.

WOMAN (ON PHONE):
Halter turbine.

Jigsaw.

WOMAN (ON PHONE): Jigsaw.

Smell sign.

WOMAN (ON PHONE): Smell sign.

Yow.

That's right.

Put this bear wearing a hat.

Obligation.

But there.

Where's the hat?

WOMAN: Greeting?

Response indicating
call and mistake.

Mistake?

I don't know.

Semi innocent query.

Convincingly confused.

You

Yeah.

See now the bear-- the
bear goes into the box.

And so at this point
we see him exhibiting

diagonal characteristics
as opposed

to horizontal characteristics.

CAMERAMAN: What does that mean?

Haven't you read my manual?

Eventualism is not
a cause, a course,

a fashion, or a religion.

Eventualism is
a state of mind.

Time and again we
see the reliance

on a proven methodology.

A methodology separate from
human experience that builds

upon figures not feelings.

Which encourages our dependence
on the empirical world.

A world with no room
for ground rule doubles.

Dammit.

Imminent departure.

Return as discussed.

Acknowledged.

Uh, location of offspring?

Acknowledged.

Secretary blindfold.

Mm.

Well blanket.

Scratchpad horoscope.

Shoe bone.

Rubber belly.

Flesh frame.

Flesh frame.

Jigsaw.

Sneeze?

Sneeze.

Generic greeting.

Generic greeting.

Obligatory question about
the evening's activities.

Oh, qualified
vaguely positive reply.

Uninspired description of movie
and subsequent conversation

with girlfriend.

Oh, really?

Another Hurst speech
about workload and stress.

Genuine sorrow,
truthful sounding

promises of future satisfaction
entice me to agree.

Accept it.

Gratitude.

[birds chirping, woman gasping]

I'm just going to make
this brief statement

on behalf of ARHADL.

The spreading of these erroneous
and offensive descriptions

has gone on for decades.

And we find ourselves
once again having

to make a public statement.

Race horses do not urinate more
frequently or at greater length

than non-racing horses,
or for that matter,

any mammal of comparable size.

This organized, publicly
sanctioned slander must stop.

[reporters shouting]

MINISTER: Lester
Richards is dead.

And aren't you
glad it wasn't you?

Don't you wish you
felt something?

How many men here are attracted
to Shelley, his lovely wife?

She's a babe.

And how many women here
wish that their husbands

would drop dead and leave them
a big fat insurance policy?

Yes, I thought so.

Hell, it'll be years
before you figure out what

Lester's death really means.

So let's forget the blah, blah,
blah, and go have a drink.

Amen.

CROWD: Amen.

Eccentric money.

Nose army.

Pacifist cottage.

Belgian disregard?

Oh, genius kidney, dying
dining, death rattle,

monkey callouses.

Adirondack.

Smell sign.

Smell sign.

Now?

No, not now.

But soon.

Yeah, soon.

Everybody thinks I'm
the mole, everybody.

And those people that
don't think I'm the mole,

they think I'm the spy.

I got to find out who
really is so people

will stop thinking that.

Listen, I think
this whole spy,

mole thing is just the
creation of the Right Hand Man

to keep everybody
paranoid and scared.

I'm scared.

But that's terrible
because that's

exactly how the
mole would act if he

was trying to not be the mole.

You know?

I-I don't-- I don't
know what to tell you.

Well, I wish you would tell
me something because you are

the only person I trust,
although I don't believe a word

you say.

Yesterday, you said appearances.

I thought you said,
a fear is this.

Weird.

A fear is this.

[machine running]

[rumbling]

[car horn]

[squeaking]

[flatline]

[organ music playing]

Hey, hey, no.

Don't do that.

I mean, they won't let you.

But you shouldn't do that.

I forget these new rules.

How's um-- how's Diane?

Terrible.

She's getting thinner every day.

I mean, I really think
the woman has betrayed me

because when I married
her nine months ago,

she was fat as a house.

She was a pig.

Huge.

She was big, nice.

And now, nine
months later, she's

skinny and getting skinnier.

And I should've known.

They say--

Yeah, her mom's thin.

Look at the mother.

They say that.

I looked at the father.

Yeah, because her dad's big.

Right, I looked at him.

And I thought, but no,
the mother and her, they

just sit all day eating
nothing on purpose.

MAN (SHOUTING): Munson!

Munson!

I'm-- I'm
formatting right now.

It's formatting.

Shit.

Can you see isn't on?

[music playing]

Hi.

CLERK: Hi.

I wanted to drop these off.

OK.

When you think
they'll be ready?

Uh, at 3 o'clock.

Oh, great.

[music playing over headphones]

MAN ON RECORDING: Hey, is
that a way to talk to a lady.

[jazz music continues]

Nose army.

[music stops]

Nose army.

Vienna dog, clone.

Dog, clone, landmine.

Jigsaw.

[music playing]

(SINGING) Want to be
at home in the morning.

Want to be alone
when I'm snoring.

[vocalizing]

Whip it in.

Whip it out.

It's so hard to see.

Looking in, freaking out.

Who'll be your baby when
you say it drives you crazy?

And I want to be at
home in the morning.

Want to be alone
when I'm snoring.

[vocalizing]

[piano music playing]

Excuse me, Mr. Oxygen.

Hi.

Hi, oh, you two guys
are from the-- yeah.

How are you?

Can we have a word with you?

Sure, sure.

We can't help but notice that
you're a fascinating character.

Very compelling.

More fascinating
than the things

you're being given to do.

Spraying houses.

Taking pictures of yourself.

Driving around.

We think you're in
need of another venue.

In which you were
the main attraction.

And paid accordingly.

Oh, you see, well, we haven't
done the bulk of my stuff yet.

And we're going to
do that next week.

Uh-huh.

Right.

Why don't you know what
you will be doing exactly?

If you're such
an integral part?

What guarantee do you have?

Oh, these guys are my friends.

I've worked with them before.

This is not our first project.

And they told me.

So I trust what they're--
what they tell me.

Trust.

Friends.

[clears throat] What--
what are you offering?

A vehicle.

A showcase.

A shortcut.

OK, OK, OK.

I'm in.

Fuck you guys!

No more of this
mayonnaise, this shit!

I'm out of here!

Fuck you!

Anything that can be
imagined is legitimate.

Any action that is
contemplated can be taken.

Eventualism isn't designed
to answer all questions.

It's designed to
question all answers.

It's not about healing pain.

It's about the pain of healing.

It's not about the struggle of
your car dealer one line one.

My car-- listen,
this is the last time

I'm taking one of these calls.

Do you understand me?

MAN ON PHONE: It's
the right thing to do.

No, it's not the
right thing to do.

It's a betrayal.

MAN ON PHONE: You're right.

And 50 is an
insult. You wouldn't

be comfortable with
anything less than 100.

Listen, they're tracing the
calls here because of the bomb

threats, although
you probably know

that because you're probably
making the bomb threats.

MAN ON PHONE: We
don't need bombs.

We've got you.

You don't have me.

MAN (SHOUTING): Ed Munson!

Proofing, proofing right now.

It's Rudolph Allen.

What?
What?

What?

He hit me.

Unprovoked.

He just-- he hit you.

For no reason, he hit you.

Well, I said that I knew
he'd been telling people

I was the mole.

And he hit me.

He's a hothead.

He hits everybody, which
is why he's a stupid choice

for a spy or a mole.

He can't control himself.

Which is the perfect cover.

That way, he's so obvious
about being a spy,

that way no one knows
he's the actual spy.

All right, all right.

What if the person
who is the mole

is so good at being the
mole that the Right Hand

Man picks him to be the spy?

Wow, I mean, that's perfect.

That way, he could manipulate
his own investigation.

Right, just like
in "No Way Out."

I gotta think about that.

Oh.

This is our slow spot.

Oh, you got a problem
with your teeth?

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, well, I have just the guy.

- Yeah?
- Yes.

He does bleaching.

He does bonding.

He does great scraping.

He does filing.

I go to him twice a week.

It's not bad.

Kenny's cheap.

And he speaks Italian.

[both laugh]

Oh, and you speak
Italian, don't you?

No.

Oh, well, anyway,
he's fabulous.

This is, like, just a--

I mean, look at my teeth.

Look.

They're gorgeous.

Look.

They're beautiful.

I know.

Yeah, he does the
lady on Channel 9,

you know, the one
with the big teeth.

Wow.

Yeah.

What's his name?

Dr. Korchek.

Dr. Korchek.

Yeah.

Oh, and if you ever have
a problem with bugs,

I have just the guy.

Bugs.

The fallacy that says
work under pressure results

in a direct pipeline
to creative genius,

that divine inspiration
can be conjured by well,

anything but the most
mind-bending concentration--

well, this is the
world of the poseur,

the pretender, the fraud.

This is the worst piece
of shit I've ever read.

No, really, the worst.

What have you been doing Munson?

Jacking off all day?

Why did you give me this?

You said you wanted
to see a draft.

You're absolutely right.

I said I wanted to see a draft.

I didn't want to see a
misdirected, panic-induced,

cretinous little piece of shit.

Maybe if I were able to talk
to Mr. Schwitters so I could--

You don't need to
talk to Mr. Schwitters.

He told me personally
through his assistant

that I am to handle this.

Is there any way we
could adjust the deadline?

What's the deadline?

Friday.

OK, now, it's Thursday.

What's that-- that
moron, the one that

used to work in your
section, the one who wore

the brown shirt all the time?

Oh, nameless number head man?

Yeah, send him in.

Here you go.

Thanks.

Did they all come out OK?

Yeah, yeah, they came out OK.

Great.

He said it was because I
wasn't getting any work done.

But that is not true.

I know it's cause Nick and
Ellen and all those guys

told him I was the mole.

Listen to me.

Listen to me.

There-- there is no mole.

OK?

How do you know?

Because I've
been getting calls

for weeks from some guy offering
me money for information.

Now, if they already
had somebody inside,

they would not be calling me
on the phone offering money.

It doesn't make sense.

But maybe the calls
are coming from the spy,

trying to trick you
into becoming a mole.

I'm-- I'm not
going to miss you.

Oh, call me when
that package shows up.

Oh, OK.

Do you have any money?

[music playing]

(SINGING) Oh, my darling.

Oh, my soulmate.

Oh, my soulmate.

[vocalizing]

Oh, my darling.

Oh, my soulmate.

Oh, my darling.

Oh, my darling.

[vocalizing]

So I walk right
into his office.

I said, Right Hand
Man, Lester's dead.

He's going to be
dead a long time.

When are you going to put
me in my rightful position

in his office where I belong?

Did-- you want some of these?

Because-- you sure?

He had no expression
on his face at all.

He said nothing except,
let me think about it.

I said, uh, think about it?

Why-- why don't you
think about this?

I quit.

I said that.

I said the words, I quit.

I've never felt so
light in all my-- you

sure you don't want any of these
because did you eat anything

today at all besides yogurt?

So lightly, feeling great,
like a new man, I walk out.

And it comes
crashing down on me.

Oh, my god, 10 years
down the drain.

I drive home, sinking my chin.

I'm not ashamed to
say I-- I cried.

But it's better this way.

Right?

It's better.

You know, I don't want
to end up like Lester.

You don't want me to
end up-- Lester's dead.

No one wants to be like
Lester, not even Lester.

I got it.

It's probably them.

Eat, please.

(TALKING ON PHONE) Hello.

Uh, yeah, this is he.

Uh, yes.

OK, yeah, I guess so.

Um.

Yeah, I'll be home the
rest of the evening.

Well, if you want.

Sure, you're welcome
to come by any time.

Maybe till-- well, I sleep here.

I'll be here all night.

OK.

Thank you very much.

Oh, wow.

[crunching]

MAN (SHOUTING): Munson!

Polishing, polishing.

[opens desk drawer]

[dialing phone]

MAN ON PHONE: Yes?

OK, I'm in.

MAN ON PHONE: Sorry.

We got somebody else.

[hangs up]

[knocking sound]

MAN 2 (WHISPERING):
Explorations one through six.

One, enormous expansion.

Two, the absolute
and essential role.

Three, public
perception of reality.

Four, transcended by
[inaudible] of reality.

Five, the collective
unconscious.

Six, all overdue recognition
of our own significance.

Explorations one through six.

One, enormous expansion.

Two, the absolute
and essential role.

[knocking]

Mr nameless number head man?

Yes, that's me.

We spoke on the phone.

I have some documents
for you to sign.

Please, come in.

Thank you.

I've brought over some
documents for you to sign.

And the first one here
that you're going to sign

is telling us that
you're giving us

this information exclusively.

And then the one underneath is
so that you can get your check.

If you'd sign here please.

OK.

Has anyone ever told you that
you're incredibly attractive?

Excuse me?

Don't make me say it again.

[music playing]

[seagulls calling]

[clatter]

Hello.

WOMAN (OH PHONE): Hi, it's me.

I told them I'm going to
go to a movie with Judy.

So I'll be there at
about a quarter to 8:00.

OK.

Oh, my god.

I'm having an
affair with my wife.

[music playing]

[crickets chirping]

So what is Fletcher
working on now?

Some speech for
Azimuth Schwitters.

Oh, is this the
one on the 11th?

Mm-hmm.

And you said he's
having a hard time?

Uh, I don't know.

It's uh-- I guess so.

[sighs]

He comes in every night with
this honey-I'm-home face.

And he pretends to
like my cooking,

which I know I'm a shitty cook.

So after supper, I try
to get him to talk.

And he's so preoccupied that
he didn't hear what I say.

So I don't want to talk.

He doesn't want to fuck.

So I come here.

Hmm.

[sighs] I better go.

Oh, we never watched this.

Well, bring it next
time, and we'll look at it.

Well, why don't you leave?

I'd like to get dressed first.

No, I mean, why
don't you leave him?

Oh, oh.

OK.

Then what?

Well, then we could--
I mean, I could--

Listen to you, like
you know what you want?

Well, I know I want you.

I have all this money put away
that's just sitting there.

Will you think about it?

OK, I'll think about it.

So are you going to
Madame Rose's tomorrow?

I said I would.

You say a lot of things.

Bye.

[birds calling]

We interrupt this program
to bring you a news bulletin.

Scientists at NASA
have confirmed

that the comet Havarti is
on course toward Earth.

The odds of the comet colliding
directly with our planet

are being calculated
at this very moment.

In a related story, the price
of capturing, restraining,

and institutionalizing a
naked man in a t-shirt remains

stable at around $367.50.

[rock music playing]

[both grunting]

Was that good?

FORTUNE TELLER: This
is very interesting.

JEFFREY: : What--
what do you see?

FORTUNE TELLER: I see major
changes, major changes.

JEFFREY: : Really?

Yes, this is-- this is--
this is quite dramatic.

You're going to be
experiencing major changes.

They involve a woman.

Really?

But it's not my mother.

Yes, I see a woman here.

No, it's not your mother.

It's going to be happening soon.

It's something-- well,
it will require a move.

It will require drastic
changes in your life.

Wow.

Any idea of a time frame?

- No.
- A week?

Tonight?

No.
No.

It will be soon.

Soon?

But this is-- this is
a woman you don't know.

You haven't met her yet.

Oh.

This is big.

This is going to be a big
transformation in your life.

[LIGHT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ON
RADIO]

[turns off music]

Good morning, Renee.

- Good morning.
- How are you?

I'm fine.
How are you?

Good.

How's it looking today?

It's pretty busy today.

Really?

Yeah.

Why don't you give
me about 10 minutes

and then send the
first patient in?

OK.

Great.

All right, now you see
this shadow here, right?

Mm-hmm.

OK, that's our culprit.

Now, to fix that will be
a three-stage process.

Do you think you can make
that sort of commitment?

Oh, yes.

Great.

You don't have to floss all
of your teeth, just the ones

you want to keep.

Bob, that's a
really kind offer.

It really is.

But I'm just dug in
deep here, I'm afraid.

Florida would really be a
shock, although everybody

I've talked to just says
great things about Tampa.

Remember, be
true to your teeth

and they won't be false to you.

Carol, it's Dr. Korchek.

Is Greg in?

CAROL (ON PHONE): No,
he's not, Dr. Korchek.

Can I have him get back to you?

Yes.

Tell him to call
me at my office.

What time are you expecting him?

CAROL (ON PHONE): I'm not sure.

He hasn't called in today
to check his messages.

All righty.

Thank you.

CAROL (ON PHONE):
You're welcome.

Bye.
CAROL (ON PHONE): Bye-bye.

I may vote Republican.

But I'm a firm believer
in gum control.

[laughs]

[camera shutter clicks]

[phone rings]

Yeah.

CAROL (ON PHONE):
Do you have time

to squeeze someone in at 5:00?

She was recommended by a
patient that she's in some pain.

Um, OK.

CAROL (ON PHONE): And
Mr. Martinez is here.

[laughs] I'll be right out.

Mr. Martinez, how are you?

Hey, Doc.

Yeah.

Got terrible tooth.

Oh, OK.

Well, I tell you what.

Why don't you schedule
some time with Renee.

If anything has changed
since I saw you this morning,

we'll take care of it.
OK?

Thanks, Doc.

All righty.

[guitar chords]

Hi, how are you.

Dr. Korchek.

I think we're going to be
able to-- to squeeze you in.

And if you'll just fill
out one of the insurance

questionnaires, the name and
address and phone number,

then we'll-- we'll get
right, uh, to work.

Thank you.

OK, terrific.

[light jazz playing]

All right.

I, um-- I think I see
what your problem is.

And I think I can help you.

Good.

It may involve me
seeing you more than once.

That's fine.

OK, then we'll get started.

OK.

[clears throat]

Here's my card.

There's a number there that
you can reach me after hours

in the evening just
in case there's

an emergency or recurrence,
anything like that.

This says Jiffy Massage.

Oh, I was holding
that for Renee.

If there's a
problem, contact me.

Thank you.

Bye.

Bye.

[door opens and closes]

[panting]

Dear Attractive
Woman Number Two,

only once in my life have I
responded to another person

the way I've responded to you.

But I've forgotten when it was,
or even if it was, in fact, me

that responded.

I may not know much.

But I know that the wind
sings your name endlessly,

although with a
slight lisp that makes

it difficult to
understand if I'm standing

near an air conditioner.

I know that your hair
sits atop your head

as though it could
sit nowhere else.

I know that your figure would
make a sculptor cast aside

his tools, injuring
his assistant

who was looking out the window
instead of paying attention.

I know that your
lips are as full

as that sexy French model's
that I desperately want to fuck.

I know that if I
could, for an instant,

have you lie next to me or
on top of me or sit on me

or stand over me and
shake, then I would be

the happiest man in my pants.

I know all of this.

And yet, you do not know me.

Change your life.

Accept my love.

Or at least, let me
pay you to accept it.

Sincerely, Dr. Jeffrey Korchek.

[rock music playing]

[grunting]

[screams] No!

Help me!

[dog barking]

How was that?

Is that-- is that good?

Is that all right?

Shut up!

Is that all right?

Is that good?

Two months.

Two months she's been on me.

I miss you.
I miss you.

I want to kiss you.

Come down and you know-- like at
dinner last night at midnight,

there's somebody else there.

Oh.

And the fucking bus is gone.

I'm not going to wait
around until 5 o'clock

in the morning for
the next fucking bus.

Right.

Anyway, it'll just
be for a few days, man.

I can't.

I just can't do it.

I can't.

And I gotta tell you.

This whole drug
thing, I'm a doctor.

I can get you drugs.

You shouldn't be hanging
out with these thugs,

these criminals.

You can come to me.

Heroin?

No, heroin I can't get.

But Darvocet I can get
in enormous quantities.

Darvocet?

What do I look
like, a housewife?

Well, consider it
a standing offer.

It'll just be for a few days.

Come on.

I can't.

I-- I-- I'm repainting
the house now.

It's just-- it's
a terrible time.

Perfect.

For $10,000, I'll
paint the house.

That's-- that's-- that's an
outrageous figure-- you know

that-- for painting a house.

Anyway, but-- but I'll get this.

Don't worry about this.

This is on me.

OK?

And then another
funny thing happened,

followed by two things
that were pretty amusing.

And the whole thing
ended with something

that was just hysterical.

JEFFREY: Hello?

I did it.

JEFFREY: : You did what?

I thought about what
you said, and I left him.

That's great.

Oh, honey!

[laughter]

Oh, that's great.

Um, before you do that, I
need to tell you something.

What?

Um, today at work,
I-- I met this person.

This person?

Yeah.

Is it male or female?

It was a woman person.

And something happened.

What happened?

Well, something
happened for me.

I don't think that anything
happened for her necessarily.

But something happened
for me, this feeling--

like this kind of falling
for someone feeling.

Falling like you
fell for me feeling?

Well, with us, it was
more, I think, of an incline

than a fall.

It wasn't like-- you
know what I mean?

The result was the same.

But it was wasn't a fall.

It was a slide.

But this was a fall, I think.

So?

So I thought I should say
something about it before--

Before.

You know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Are you-- are you leaving?

Don't talk to me, you worm.

[sighs]

There was a time--
there was a time

when I felt like an
old rag with a stain

that you couldn't get out.

And you were like-- you were
like a piece of rotting fruit

on a window sill.

And it was great.

You worm!

The federal government
announced today

that in an effort to
eradicate the national debt,

it will be selling the
State of Rhode Island

to a group of private investors
for a reported $18 billion.

The investors plan to
enclose the entire state

with an all-weather roof
and turn it into the world's

largest shopping mall.

When asked for comment, a
White House spokesperson

would only say, well,
at least we didn't sell

it to the fucking Japanese.

[light jazz playing]

Your brother.

You're-- you're
looking for my brother.

I don't know where he is.

He wanted to stay with
me but I told him--

Eight hours, your
brother, $15,000.

$15,000 for my
brother, eight hours.

Well, but if--

Your brother.

My brother.

$15,000, eight hours.

OK, but if I can't
find my brother,

can I give you the $15,000?

Do you still need
my brother or--

Eight hours, your
brother, $15,000.

All three of those things.

- Correct.
- All three.

Correct.

Um, the keys?

You're going to-- you're
going to take the car?

- The tape.
- You want--

The tape?

The--

The tape.

The tape.

[tape player ejects]

Eight hours.

OK, you got a little
tartar build up there.

You may wanna--

[rock music]

You want to see aggression,
you want to see vitality,

you want to see
me, son of a bitch.

Look at this.

I mean, the fucking
total disregard.

Fucking total disregard.

Federal government, take your--

Hey, what the
hell are you doing?

Hey, hey, hey,
wait, wait, wait.

Hey, come on.

Come on!

What-- What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Son of a bitch is after me.

Hey, hey!

Get-- hey, hey!

Get him off of e.

OK, Mr. Tribbie, I'm going
to recommend that you come

in every four months
instead of every six

because you tend to
build up calculus

at a slightly accelerated rate.

OK.

OK?

You going to the
big event on Friday?

I wouldn't put
money in his pocket.

Oh?

I don't need to.

I got myself a defector, a
classic disgruntled employee.

I see.

He's going to provide all
the information we need.

Any messages from me?

You do have one
urgent message.

From?

Your brother.

Oh, he seems really
happy, you know.

He actually enjoys going
to work in the morning.

And what is it
exactly that he's doing?

I don't know.

He's getting as some sort
of consultant or something.

I see.

Oh, did you get a call from
an Attractive Woman Number Two?

I told her to come see you.

Yes, she did come see me.

So do you think
you can help her?

Yes, I do think
I can help her.

Is it about the money?

Elmo Oxygen is
not about money.

What is it then?

Elmo is not feeling fulfilled.

There's a spiritual
element missing.

A spiritual element--

Missing.

Elmo needs his
other side to speak,

his tender side,
his feminine side.

When you say this other side--

This tender feminine side--

Must speak, do you
mean literally speak?

Say, dialogue?

Language does not
always require speech.

We're a little confused.

Actually, more than a little.

All right, if metaphors
are too complicated for you,

let me explain it.

I want you to get me
that little PA, the one

that wears black and the clogs.

I would like to
fuck her, please.

And I want you two guys
to write us a scene.

Now, what is so
confusing about that?

I don't understand.

[laughs] Of course.

Elmo, Elmo, we
want you to be happy.

I don't mean to be difficult.

Oh, you don't know
difficult. Is there anything

else we can do for you?

How about a bowl of fruit?

Yeah.

Fruit-- fruit
would be good, yeah.

Good, good, OK.

Anything else?

Just name it?

Elmo is tired now.

I'm glad you feel that way.

That's the way I feel too.

Have you thought
about how you've-- no.

Can I tell you how I feel?

Is there something that--

[phone rings]

Yeah.

CAROL (ON PHONE): There's
a registered letter

here you have to sign for.

A what?

CAROL (ON PHONE): A
registered letter.

OK, thanks.

From the office of Tunnel--

--Fennel--

--and Funnel.

We represent the interest of
Attractive Woman Number Two--

Oh, no.

--who received from you on
10 February, 1995, a letter--

--the full content
of which is reproduced

below for your benefit--

Oh, my god.

--which is so
explicit in nature--

--and intent--

--that we will
pursue a case of sexual

harassment against you.

Oh, shit.

We draw your attention
to underlying sections 1

through 4--

This is bad.

--''that sexy
French model that

I desperately want to fuck"--

--"have you lie next
to me or on top of me"--

--"or sit on me"--

--"or stand over
me and shake."

Oh, my god.

[all shouting]

[squeaking]

CAROL (ON PHONE):
David Stanley on two.

David.

STANLEY (ON PHONE): Dr.
Korchek, how are you?

Wonderful.

Where's Greg?

STANLEY (ON PHONE): Greg?

Greg has disappeared.

Well, I'm getting
that feeling.

But I'm-- what I
want to know is--

STANLEY (ON PHONE): I
mean, he's disappeared

on purpose with all of your
money, with all of our money.

He's cleaned us out.

And we don't know where he is.

[laughing]

Um--

[laughing]

And--

STANLEY (ON PHONE):
Well, obviously

we're-- we've contacted
the authorities.

And we're doing
everything we can.

OK.

All right.

All right.

I'll-- Then I'll
speak to you soon.

STANLEY (ON PHONE): OK, bye-bye.

[laughing] Oh.

Has it-- has it
been eight hours?

So we see time
and again that a man

cannot escape his own nature.

But instead, he must reconcile
himself to that nature.

See, we are what we pretend
to be because we pretend

to be what we really are.

The act is not an act.

[music playing]

[office noise]

[guitar music playing]

The plan was I
was going to go back

to work after Emily was born.

But it didn't really
work out that way.

Well, I was going
through my second divorce

when I went to apply
for a job at Schwitters

World Headquarters.

And I got the job.

And I'd been there about a
week when someone told me Mr.

Schwitters wanted to see me.

So he took me out to dinner.

And at the end of
dinner, he proposed.

Fortunately, Lester
was well insured.

So I plan on selling the
house and taking all the money

and traveling.

I've always wanted to travel.

But not with Lester.

As I understand
it, I'm supposed

to look like somebody's wife.

Is that right?

No.

Yes.

I'd like something
more important to do.

[baby babbling]

Hello.

[MAN SPEAKING JAPANESE ON
PHONE]

Oh, my god.

When?

[MAN SPEAKING JAPANESE ON
PHONE]

[sighs] Did
somebody call Shelley?

[MAN SPEAKING JAPANESE ON
PHONE]

Wow.

Um, so now what?

Who's going to take over?

[MAN SPEAKING JAPANESE ON
PHONE]

Oh, boy.

[MAN SPEAKING JAPANESE ON
PHONE]

OK, does this-- does this mean
that you're going to be late?

Yeah. [MAN SPEAKING JAPANESE
ON PHONE]

OK.

Bye.

What did you drop?

Derek was kidnapped
and held hostage.

And Gassim, who may work for
either the Mossad or the PLO,

married Suellen so he
could get information

on Suellen's brother, who is
the Prince of Saudi Arabia.

DEB (ON PHONE): Wow,
amazing what you

can miss when you skip a day.

I know.

Oh, hang on just a minute, Deb.

There's somebody at the door.

OK, thank you.

I don't know.

It's some package.

DEB (ON PHONE):
Well, what is it?

Um.

Oh.

Deb?

Let me call you back, OK?

DEB (ON PHONE): Sure.

[beep]

It's these huge women having
sex with these little tiny men.

-
[man speaking italian on phone]

I was planning on it.

Call me if we're still on.

-
[man speaking italian on phone]

[kisses]

[speaking japanese]

Hello.

[kissing]

[speaking japanese]

Oh spaghetti and soft
rolls, your favorite.

Mm.

[speaking japanese]

I told him I'm going
to see movie with Judy.

So I'll be there about
a quarter to 8:00.

OK, I'm going to go.

I'll be back by 10:00.

[speaking japanese]

And Emily's in the TV room.

[speaking japanese]

[moaning]

Say you love me.

[speaking italian]

Say you need me.

[speaking italian]

Say I'm the most important
person in your life.

[speaking italian]

I love it when you
say those things.

[speaking italian]

[moaning]

Hi.

Yeah. [speaking japanese]

Oh, well, the movie
wasn't that great.

But Judy was fun.

And it was nice to
get out of the house.

[speaking japanese]

[speaking japanese]

OK.

Arigato.

MINISTER: Lester Richards was a
man beloved by family, friends,

and colleagues, a man who
leaves behind a legacy of love,

good work, and a sincere
and genuine interest

in other people's lives.

But why not find inspiration
from this sorrowful event,

inspiration to
say the kind words

and do the good deeds now,
immediately upon thinking

them or feeling them.

Time is in glorious abundance
to those who procrastinate.

Yeah.

Konichiwa.

Hello.

[speaking japanese]

Fine.

[speaking japanese]

By four points.

[speaking japanese]

That's right.

Yeah.

[speaking japanese]

You may be right
about that one.

[speaking japanese]

OK.

[speaking japanese]

[speaking japanese]

If you'll keep
her just tonight,

I'll come by and
pick her up tomorrow.

[speaking japanese]

Call my mother.

She'll call me.

[moaning]

[speaking italian]

Oh, yeah.

[speaking italian]

Oh.

[speaking italian]

Right.

[speaking italian]

Oh, absolutely.

Yeah, of course.

[speaking italian]

Oh, you worm.

You know, you
accepted that job just

before I accepted your
invitation to move in with you.

Too bad about the timing.

If I had waited just
a little longer,

you could have been gone.

You worm!

[speaking french]

Oh.

Uh.

A little.

[speaking french]

No, I, uh-- I don't know.

It's not a physical
kind of tired.

It's different.

[speaking french]

Maybe.

[speaking french]

You're very accommodating.

Mmm...

[speaking french]

OK.

I want to go.

[speaking french]

To your room.

[speaking french]

I could be happy
just doing this.

[speaking french]

It's funny to think about
all the people I've known

and all the decisions I've made
coming together at this point.

I'm glad we know each other.

[speaking french]

Hmm.

[sighs]

Over the past decade,
the enormous expansion

of Eventualism
across the continent

proves the absolute and
essential role of Eventualism

in all realms of life, be it
metaphysics, psychology, art,

what have you.

The public perception of
reality before Eventualism

was inadequate.

Eventualism provides one
with nothing less than

a transcendent idea of reality.

Soon, it's influence will extend
beyond the tangible empirical

world and into the collective
unconscious, where it

will become even more powerful.

Eventualism is the long
overdue recognition

of people everywhere of
their own significance.

[cheering, applause]

[crickets chirping]

Is it finished?

Yeah, it's finished.

Are you pleased?

I am actually.

A New Mexico woman
was named final arbiter

of taste and justice
today, ending

God's lengthy search for someone
to straighten this country out.

Eileen Herriott Paulglace will
have final say on every known

subject, including who should
be put to death, what clothes

everyone should wear,
what movies suck,

and whether bald men who grow
ponytails should still get

laid.

They tried his house?

There was nobody there.

Did they call?

Or did somebody
actually go over there?

Both.

Maybe somebody gave
him another offer.

Did you write this?

Yes.

It's very good.

He'll be pleased.

Not only are you
writing his words,

you are speaking his language.

You know, when I first
got here, we had a saying.

I'll just--

[triumphant music]

Mr. Schwitters, it's
such an exciting thing

to have you here today.

Terrific.

My life was a complete
mess until I read your books

and found out about
your philosophy.

I'm sure it was.

I've been divorced
three times.

Oh, that's too bad.

Let's get Munson over here.

Hey, Munson!

Munson!

After I read your book,
it was just so exciting.

I found out how to
control my mind--

- Great speech.
- And how to be--

Oh, thank you.

--stronger and
better and be here now.

No, go ahead.

I'm listening.

Well, just to know
that you're here.

I mean, your philosophy
changed my entire life.

Fabulous.

And every one that I--

[triumphant music]

Yeah, I mean, I'm not
mechanically inclined.

Hi.

Excuse me.

Mrs. Schwitters, I wanted
to introduce myself.

My name's Fletcher Munson.

Um.

Hi.

I thought maybe your
husband had mentioned me.

I've been working for him
the last few days closely.

No.

Oh.

Well--

Oh, you know what?

He's been really busy
writing the speech

that he's doing today.

So maybe that's why.

That's probably it then.

Yeah.

Anyway, well, just
wanted to say hi.

Well, nice-- nice meeting you.

Bye.

Bye.

[triumphant music playing]

What time is it?

About five after.

I didn't ask you
what time it is about.

I asked you what time it is.

It's three after 8:00.

And what time does
the speech start?

8:00.

8:00?

[applause]

Ladies and gentlemen,
once in a very great while,

an individual emerges from a
sea of troubles and-- and brings

from this-- this sea something
to us, something in us,

something from that sea.

Did you write this?

He

I wish.

He reveals.

And I think you know who it is.

He's here with us tonight.

Author, philosopher, human
being, T. Azimuth Schwitters!

[cheering, applause]

Thank you.

[gunfire]

ELMO OXYGEN: Nose army!

Nose army!

Nose army!

[all yelling, screaming]

Do something.

Go get an ambulance.

ELMO OXYGEN: Nose army!

[all shouting]

A nose army!

[schwitters moaning]

Well, how is that book?

It's extremely good.

Really?

Yeah, I haven't read it.

But the subject interests me.

Where are you flying?

Costa Rica.

That's where I'm going.

Really?

San Jose?

INTERROGATOR: Did you have
any strong personal feelings

about him one way or another?

Where did you get the gun?

What's your name?

Dolores.

Any other messages?

Yes.

People have called
to send regards.

Oh, fabulous.

The president.

Send him a card.

Senator Dole.

Send him a card.

Stop pacing.

Governor Wilson.

Send him some meat.

Senator Johnson.

Card.

Stop sweating on that.

It's an antique.

Governor Edwards.

Next.

Mr. Perelman.

Uh, card.

Where's the tape?

What tape?

The tape, the tape
of the assassination,

the one that-- what's her
name-- my wife shot yesterday.

It's right there.

Well, put it on.

I want to watch it.

Oliver Stone.

Who?

Oliver Stone.

I don't know who that is.

Send meat.

Senator Feinstein.

Send him a card.

Mayor Dooley.

Card.

OK, let's watch this.

What the fuck is this?

I don't know.

It looks like your house.

Thanks for the newsflash.

What the hell is this
guy doing in my house?

I don't know.

He looks like he's getting
ready to screw your wife.

Hmm.

I wonder what that's like?

Did you plan to
shoot anyone else?

Did you plan to shoot yourself?

Oh, nose army.

Well, you're two creative
and intense houseplants,

houseplants.

I can see that.

I can see that.

I believe so strongly
in mayonnaise.

I'm talking about perception
and communication skills.

Houseplant.

I can make sense
out of yesterday.

Can you understand
the power of that?

You will learn
something from me.

[groaning]

[screaming]

And which one's applying?

I'll get it.

Do you see which
one is different?

Can you circle the
one that's different.

Hello?

CHILD: This one is.

OK.

Um, no, there's no Bob here.

Do you want to-- to color?

Well, what number
are you dialing?

Well, that's this number,
but there's no Bob here.

All right, fine.

OK?

Who was that?

Somebody for Bob.

[laughs]

CHILD: What is it?

Is that a spider?

CHILD: Different spider.

[music playing]

FLETCHER (NARRATING):
In three years,

I'm hired by an ad
agency for a lot of money

to write copy for
their biggest client,

a cellular phone company.

In five years, my wife leaves
me for someone smarter,

handsomer, and more
emotionally demonstrative.

In eight years, after getting
drunk at a friend's wedding

reception in
Anchorage, Alaska, I

fall asleep in a snowdrift
while walking back to my hotel.

I'm discovered the following
spring and successfully thawed.

Until then, I wait.

[music playing]

[old movie music]

DIRECTOR: Wrap it.

Ladies and gentlemen,
young and old, I know this

may seem an unusual procedure.

But I thought you might
have some questions.

And since I'm already here,
I can answer some of them.

Yes.

Yes.

Not specifically.

I actually find all
of them rather weird.

Yes.

Foot long veggie on wheat.

Thank you.

[music playing]

DIRECTOR: Cut.