Original subtitles

Are you sure, doctor?

Yes, Lillian, quite sure.

I just spoke to the hospital.

Thank you for telling me, Dr. Woodfield.

What will you do now?

What I've always done, smile through my tears.

Oh, Lillian, Lillian, Lillian.

Oh, doctor, doctor, doctor.

Oh, nose, nose, nose.

Would you turn that off, please?

Say, why did you do that?

I'm watching my favorite TV show,

Death Valley Hospital.

It makes too much noise, pop.

Do you mind?

I sure feel sorry for Lillian.

I'm not kidding you.

Wednesday, she found out

that her best friend ran away with her husband,

and Thursday, she found out her son had been arrested

for stealing a car,

and then today, she found out that her daughter was pregnant

and was living with a rock group.

But she did get some good news...

The doctor gave her six months to live...

And that's the same married doctor

that she's been having the illicit affair with.

Hey, pop, if you don't mind

being a little more quiet,

see, I've got this terrible headache.

Okay, but... I don't know

why they call these soap operas,

because they're filthy.

Look, pop, you know, I've got a headache,

a real bad headache.

I've had it for the last two days.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh? What do you mean "Uh-oh"?

That's what Lillian had last week.

All right, so I've got six months to live.

Well, that ain't too bad. It could be worse.

At least you're not pregnant.

Pop, would you stop

talking about this dumb soap opera?

As a matter of fact,

just stop talking period, all right?

Well, what did I do?

Nothing, but I've been trying to tell you, man,

I've got a headache.

I mean, all I'm doing is just sitting here

watching a sad TV show and crying and enjoying myself.

Yeah, while I'm out there all day

working my tail off on a truck.

Why don't you clean this place up?

Look at it, it's a mess,

paper scattered all over the floor.

I bet you last night's dishes are still in the sink, right?

Right?

Shh.

Remember, son, your headache.

I've had this headache for two days,

I'm going in the kitchen and take myself a headache pill.

"Pop, do you know there's not a clean glass

in the whole kitchen?"

Hey, pop. What?

There's not a clean glass

in the whole kitchen.

I'll get you one.

Oh, never mind.

I've had this headache for two days, man.

Well, listen, son,

maybe I can diagnose your case.

What?

I watch Dr. Woodfield on Death Valley Hospital

all the time, and maybe I can help you.

Well, go ahead, I'd try anything

to get rid of this headache,

All right, then,

would you get up on the table, Miss?

What are you talking about?

Well, see, Dr. Woodfield is a gynecologist.

You're fooling around. I thought you were serious.

Now, just leave me alone and let me get some shut-eye,

and I'll probably feel better after the pill starts working,

all right?

I'll be quiet as a mouse.

All right.

Since I had this headache, pop,

the least little noise is magnified a hundred times,

so try and cool it, all right?

Not a sound.

Beautiful.

I'll just start clean up a little bit.

Oh, hiya, Fred.

Lower your voice.

Hiya, Fred.

Come on.

Come on in the kitchen.

Hi, Lamont.

Shh, he's trying to get some sleep.

He's had this headache for two days.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh?

What do you mean "Uh-oh"?

Well, you remember,

in Death Valley Hospital,

when Lillian got a headache,

and her doctor told her

that she only has six months to live?

Oh, that's just something they tell them silly people

so they'll tune in the next day.

Oh, that's... You're right, Fred.

Yeah. Let's wake Lamont up.

But why?

Because if he only got six months to live,

it seems a shame wasting them sleeping.

Go ahead, you wake him up, and I'll stand here behind you.

No, no, no, no, no, Fred.

No, no, he... he might get mad at me,

so you wake him up.

Well, he's already mad at me,

so you wake him up, and I'll be right here.

Okay.

He looks so cute.

I just can't resist.

Coochie, coochie, coo.

Grady, what are you doing? Just leave me alone, all right?

I've got a headache. Let me get some rest over here.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

I'll go fix you a nice cup of hot tea, Lamont.

Yeah, you do that.

Yeah, son, and I'll call a doctor.

Hey, pop, forget it, man.

Doctors don't make house calls.

They will if it's an emergency.

A headache is not an emergency.

Not an emergency? Well, what else is it?

If you've got a headache, you can't go to work.

You can't go to work, you can't make no money.

You can't make no money, I can't eat.

If I can't eat,

my stomach's on the critical list.

All right, just do to suit yourself.

You know,

maybe if ate something, I'd feel better.

Yeah, well, there's one piece of roast beef

there in the kitchen

that's left over from last night.

Good goodoligoo, this roast beef's real good.

Hello, is this Emergency Service?

This is Fred Sanford.

Sanford, S-A-N-F-O-R-D... Period.

Yes, I've got to get a doctor

out here right away

to 9114 South Central Avenue.

Yeah. Who?

It's my son.

His head is killing him.

How old?

Uh... he's two.

Thank you, Miss.

Bye.

Pop, why did you tell that woman I was two years old for?

Because they move a little faster

when it's for a kid.

I don't know, Fred, today is Wednesday,

and that doctor might be

out there on the golf course somewhere.

No, this ain't one

of them high-falooting high-class

Beverly Hills doctors.

Well, where is he?

He's at the bowling alley.

Mr. Sanford?

Yeah, doc, you sure got here in a hurry.

Well, luckily, I was in the neighborhood.

Where's the baby?

Right over there.

How long has he had the moustache?

Since he was one.

Pretty big for two years old, isn't he?

Yeah, I used to give him that kind of bread

that helps you grow eight ways.

Uh...

What difference does it make how old he is, anyway?

Oh, it makes quite a difference. I'm a pediatrician.

Oh, I'm Methodist myself.

Hey, I'm terribly sorry

about the mix-up, doctor.

Well, as long as I'm here,

maybe I can help.

I hope so.

Now... Where does it hurt, little fella?

No, I've just got a headache.

Well, let's have a look.

Maybe you can give him a pill.

Um, perhaps.

Would you hold this, please?

Wow.

You're lucky you don't have to take two of these.

I'll get you a bucket of water.

Take a deep breath.

Again.

Once more.

It's all right.

All right, let's have a look inside.

Open the garage wide.

Say "Ah."

All right, tiger,

go upstairs while I talk to daddy.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Now, would you stop all this nonsense.

I'm a grown man,

and you don't have to tell nothing

to my daddy.

You can tell me,

and before you close that bag,

let me have a few of them lollipops.

What do you think, doc?

Well, everything appears to be normal,

physically that is.

What is that supposed to mean?

Well, headaches can be caused

by stress situations.

Um, I'm a great believer in psychosomatic illness.

Hey, doc, maybe... maybe you could help me,

maybe you could help me a little bit.

I've been having a little trouble.

See, I've been having them baby heart attacks.

Well, you need a baby heart specialist.

Here's my bill.

Hey, Doc, oh, Doc, wait a minute.

You forgot something.

Hi, Fred.

Hi, Fred.

What?

I said, hi, Fred.

Oh.

I mean, was that wrong?

I mean, I... I came over, and so I said "Hi" and "Fred,"

referring to "Hello" and "You,"

as opposed to "Bye" and "Delores."

What are you talking about?

Well, I'm talking about a person arriving

in another person's yard

and greeting that person with the word "Hi"

followed by his first name, to wit,

hi, Fred.

Hi, Grady.

Oh, hi, Fred.

Say, Fred, how's Lamont?

He's not doing too good.

He's at the clinic now.

Oh, wow, that's been going on

for two weeks.

You'd think he'd be better by now.

Who's he seeing today?

He's seeing a psychiatrist,

and for goodness sake, Grady,

don't say nothing to nobody.

Oh, Fred, now, wait a minute,

you know I wouldn't say anything,

but that's nothing to be ashamed of.

We're all modern people,

and we know that just because you see a psychiatrist,

that doesn't mean that you're crazy.

That's right.

Yeah. Anyway, I'll see you a little later, Fred,

and when Lamont comes home,

tell him that I said, "Hiya, koo-koo."

You big dummy.

All right, Lamont. I think I see a pattern here.

Oh, yeah, what... what is it?

You've never felt comfortable lying on that couch, have you?

No, no, no, doctor, not really.

Why? Is it my approach?

No, it's your cologne.

I see something that I'd like to go with.

Oh, you found a cure for my headache?

No, not a cure, I found a cause,

and that's the first step.

You know, find a cause, cure the cause,

then the headache would cure itself.

Oh, great, okay, lay it on me.

What is it?

Well, a pathological patrophobia

resulting in repressed psychogenic malaise.

And what does that mean?

You hate your father.

I hate my father?

No, that's dumb.

Hi, son. I thought I heard the truck.

Hey, pop, I love you.

Huh? I love you.

Hey, you'd better come on in the house

and lie down.

You might have a touch of that fever.

No, no, there's nothing wrong with me.

You all right?

I'm fine, pop.

Oh, I'll tell you.

Hey, how come you got the couch

made up like a bed?

Well, I thought when you got home,

you'd be too sick to go upstairs.

Of course you did.

That's another thing I love about you, pop,

the concern that you feel for me.

I love you, I love you,

I love you, I love you,

I love you, I love you,

I love you, I love you.

Say, what... what's happening?

You act like you've been hit by the sugar truck.

There's nothing wrong with me, pop.

Look at this. I feel great.

You know, I went down to the doctor,

and he gave me a new lease on life.

I feel fab... Look at this, look at this.

Tennis, anyone? Huh?

Well, what else did the doctor say?

I don't want to talk about it.

I've got a headache.

All right, Mrs. Nealy, continue, please.

I can't say it. I'm so ashamed.

Well, of course you can say it. We're so close to an answer.

Go on, please.

Look, tell me, what I say to you,

is it going to be in the strictest of confidence?

It's in the strictest of confidence.

This room is our kingdom of privacy

where we can say and discuss

our innermost thoughts and secrets.

All right, then. Okay?

All right, I'll say it.

All right. Good.

The reason I don't love my husband is...

Yes? Is... I love you.

Mrs. Nealy... That's nice, lady.

Now get the hell out of here.

Mrs. Nealy, you don't have to go now.

You don't have to go. Mrs. Nealy, come back, Mrs...

Do you know what you've just done?

I'm sorry, doc,

but my son is more important to me

than that lady.

She was almost at a breakthrough.

Break through this.

Now, who are you?

I'm Fred G. Sanford,

and they told me downstairs

that you're the doctor who talked to my son.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Yes, yes, I did.

Well, what did you tell him, doc?

Exactly what do you mean?

I mean, my son came home acting...

He was... Well, exactly what did he say?

He said, "I love you,

I love you, I love you,

I love you, I love you."

Oh, Mr. Sanford.

Yeah.

Well, perhaps if I got to know you

a little better,

then perhaps I could help your son.

Why don't you lie down on the couch.

Uh...

I... I don't think I want to know you that well.

Mr. Sanford, just lie down on the couch.

Now, see, I help people

by getting them to relax

and say exactly what's on their mind.

Now, go ahead, lie down on the couch.

Okay.

Now, I know this might seem a little bit strange to you...

Relax...

But we have a way of getting people to relax

by playing a word game.

Oh, we're going to play a game?

Yeah.

I love games.

Did you you ever play

"Pin the mule's tail on Esther's face"?

I'll say a word, and you say the first thing

that comes into your mind, all right?

Okay, doc.

Okay. Esther.

Swamp.

Uh... telephone.

Bill.

Love.

Money.

Women.

Where? No.

Mr. Sanford.

Mr. Sanford, no.

I... I think that we should play something else.

I think we should...

Let's see. Let's try some ink spots.

Ink Spots? Yes.

Oh, sure.

♪ And would I be sure ♪

♪ That this is love Beyond compare ♪

Mr. Sanford.

Mr. Sanford, I think... Mr. Sanford, please...

♪ Would all this... ♪

I think we should dispense the game

♪ Be true ♪

♪ If I didn't care... ♪

Mr. Sanford! Would you lie down on the couch!

Mr. Sanford, please lie down on the couch.

You asked for the Ink Spots, didn't you?

Yes, I did ask... Don't hold...

I'm sorry, mister.

Would you lie down?

Just watch yourself, Doc. I don't play that.

Would you try to relax?

Uncross your legs.

Relax.

Are you relaxed?

Yeah, doc, listen,

let me tell you, what is causing all my son's headaches?

Well, first of all,

your son does not want to admit the first thing

that's causing the headaches.

Well, what is it?

He hates you.

My... Son... Hates... You.

Hey, let's go back to that word game again.

All right.

All right? Fist.

Oh, wait, no.

Mr. Sanford... Nose. Behave yourself.

Right now. Cool it, now.

He hates me.

My own son hates me.

After I gave him the best years of my life.

Now I ain't got nobody who cares for me.

You still got me, Fred.

Years ago, when he was just a baby...

Yeah.

And he would cry, and I'd tell his mother,

I'd say, "Elizabeth, get up and feed that boy."

Right.

I was a good father to him.

And another time, he screamed...

He screamed... and I... I almost broke my leg

getting Elizabeth out of the bed

to see what was wrong.

I've been a good father to him.

Where did I go wrong, Grady?

Well, you've made a few mistakes, Fred.

Tell me, tell me, Grady.

No, you see,

because you're not gonna like anything I say.

Well, it's okay, just tell me.

Well, first of all, Fred, you see,

Lamont loves you.

He respects you, and he's a good son.

He works hard, but on the other hand,

I mean, you just don't treat him right.

I mean, you're always grouching and complaining.

You can't cook.

You keep the house messy,

and... and you... Fred, you're rotten.

Fred, I mean, just deep down,

low-down rotten to the core.

Now, Fred, take it from a friend who knows.

And you take this from an enemy.

Oh, see, I told you you wasn't gonna like it.

Oh, hi, Grady.

Oh, hi, Lamont.

How you doing, pop?

Hey, my handsome son. How... how you doing?

Oh, fine, just fine.

Listen, I was just telling Grady how... how much I worry about you.

Well, how about a hot cup of coffee?

Great, I'll get it.

No, no, no, no,

you don't have to go get nothing.

I'll get anything you want.

Grady, get Lamont a cup of coffee.

Son, sit right down and relax,

because you've been working hard all morning.

I know you must be exhausted.

Well, I am kind of tired.

Hey, listen, after we have this coffee,

I'll fix you a nice hot bath

so the windows can steam all up

and you can write some dirty words on them

like you did when you was kid.

Uh, no, thanks, pop,

I'll just take a shower later on

and go to bed early.

Well, I hope not too early,

because I've got a great dinner planned too.

Yeah, I've got prime rib of sparerib

and coleslaw and canned sweet potatoes...

Oh.

And... and guess what we're having for dessert.

What? Cracker Jacks.

And you can have the prize this time.

Well, that's great. It's real nice, pop.

It sounds like a good dinner. You need any help with it?

Oh, no, no, I want you to see

that I did everything that you need done.

I'll have it done myself. I'll do it.

Grady, get dinner started.

Oh, yeah. Here's your coffee, Lamont.

Thanks a lot, Grady.

All right.

Hey, listen,

after... after we finish dinner,

we can sit here and watch TV

while Grady does the dishes.

Yeah.

Just me and you sitting here,

father-son togetherness.

Yeah, it sounds great.

Excuse me, you two,

but I've got to run down to the supermarket

and get something extra special for dinner tonight,

and, you know,

I just really enjoy being a father to Lamont.

And, Lamont, I hope you don't hate me

as much as you hate your present father.

Bye.

Hey, Pop.

Hmm?

You went down to that doctor,

and he told you everything he told me, didn't he?

Don't hate me, though, son. Please, don't hate me.

I mean, you can hate me if it helps you,

but don't "Hate me" hate me.

Uh, you know what I mean? I don't know what I mean.

Pop, I don't hate you, I love you.

But I want you to hate me

if it'll help your headache,

and I know you won't hate me when you hate me

but you'll just be hating me to help your headache,

and if you just try it, it might good for you,

so hate me.

Would you just stop it. This is silly.

No, it's not silly if you say you hate me,

as long as you do.

Just say you hate me.

Well... Say, "I hate you,"

and I'll know you don't hate me,

but your head will feel better.

Look, I'm not gonna say I hate you,

because I don't hate you, I love you.

Now, I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Now why don't you just clean up this place?

Say you hate me.

I'm not gonna say it.

Now why don't you clean up this place? It's a mess.

I can't stand it messy like this.

I come home from work, I've been working hard all day,

and I walk in here, and this place is messy.

There's newspapers all over the floor.

The sink is full of dishes, and you know something else?

When I come in here and find that soap opera on,

boy, that really makes me had, because I cannot stand...

Me.

Hey, wait a minute, Huh? Wait a minute.

No, that's... that's not right.

I love you, but...

My headache is gone.

Huh? It's gone.

My headache is gone.

You hate me.

No, no, I don't hate you.

Don't you understand, pop?

I don't hate you, I love you.

It's just that I don't like

certain things that you do,

and I had all of that

bottled up inside of me.

Oh, son, I'm so happy.

Now I know what happened to Lillian.

Lillian... Lillian isn't gonna die.

Dr. Woodfield is gonna save her life.

He'll pull her through.

Listen, you get this house cleaned up,

because it's time for the show now.

Oh, I'm not gonna sit up there

and watch this show...

Shh.

Boy... Something sure smells good.

Morning, son.

Excuse me, I've got to get upstairs to the beds.

Oh, hey,

you fixed breakfast, and it smells great,

and you've been down here

and straightened up the living room already?

That's right, son, that's what you like,

and so I want to make you happy.

Now, let me get to this bed.

No, wait a minute, pop.

Why don't you stay down here

and have breakfast with me, man.

You don't have to make up the beds now.

I'm not gonna lay down again till tonight.

Well, you're not, but I am.

That's why I'm going to get to the beds,

because, see, this cleaning,

and dusting and cooking,

it's gotten my head aching.

Well... well, why don't you stop?

Because if I stop, then you'd have a headache.

Say, Fred,

I've finished cleaning and cooking

and dusting.

Anything else you want me to do for Lamont?

Tune in next week

for the further adventures of Sanford & Son.

Will Lamont leave home?

Will Fred clean up the house?

Will you be quiet!

Oh, Lamont, Lamont, Lamont.

Oh, Pop, Pop, Pop.