Original subtitles

Gas bill...

Light bill... light bill...

telephone bill... light bill...

telephone bill...

Jet.

This is from the Stinemet's Collection Agency.

"Dear sir,

"Your overdue account has been referred to us

"by several companies.

"Undoubtedly,

you have been throwing your bills away."

Oh, my goodness.

Gee whiz, I must have overlooked these bills.

I have to take care of them right away.

Oh, Grady.

Hi, Fred.

I... I see it's the first of the month again.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, are you ready?

Ready for what?

Ready to watch Wheel and Deal.

You invited me over, remember?

And I even went

and got little refreshments.

I got some red and some white.

Here's some red... and some popcorn.

Yeah, well, turn on the TV.

Grady, maybe... Okay.

Maybe it will help cheer me up.

Okey-doke.

Hi, hello, and good afternoon, everybody.

Hi, hello, and good afternoon.

Welcome to Wheel and Deal...

Television's most exciting and unusual quiz program.

Most exciting and unusual.

The program that picks its contestants

right out the studio audience

and gives them a chance to win

the most expensive prizes in the world.

In the world, Fred, in the world.

Who's going to win the quadraphonic stereo?

Who?

Who's gonna win the speed boat?

Who?

Who's gonna win that trip to Italy?

Who?

Who, Fred, who?

Who? Who?

Not you, owl face.

And here's the man that knows who...

Here's your host, Harry Monte.

Hi, Harry.

Goodbye, Harry.

What did you do that for, Fred?

Because that show is a drag, that's why.

Well, it doesn't bother me.

I... Give me the wine.

I go home every night

and dream that I've won me a speed boat,

and I'm going down the river with the speed boat

and the stereo playing,

on my way to Rome or Italy.

Grady, Rome is in Italy.

Wow.

Well, now is the time to go.

See, they're both in the same place.

Listen, Grady, tomorrow is Lamont's birthday,

and I don't want to hear nothing

about all them presents like that,

because I want to get him something nice,

you know what I mean?

Well, Fred, what about two years ago,

when you registered his name at 31 Flavors,

and they gave him a free tutti-fruity.

Now, that was nice.

What you say, Fred?

Hey, Grady.

Hey, Bubba.

Hey, man, why the long face?

Fred is worried, Bubba,

that he can't get Lamont something nice for his birthday.

What happened? Did they run out of tutti-fruity?

Listen, Bubba, would you do me a favor?

Yeah, anything, Fred.

Listen, I got a turkey in the oven.

Yeah.

Lay down next to it.

Oh, Fred.

We... we're missing Wheel and Deal.

It's almost over now.

Oh, forget about that.

Hey, if you want to see that show,

I can get you tickets.

Shut up, Bubba. Now, don't you know Fred by now?

If he doesn't want to sit here

and watch it on the television,

you know he doesn't want to go down there

and watch it in person.

Now, just use your head, Bubba.

Yeah.

Bubba, I think I want to go down there.

Now, that's using your head.

See, I could go down there

and win some presents for Lamont.

My cousin was supposed to go, but her baby is due anytime now.

We can use her tickets. They're good tomorrow night.

Hey, that'd be perfect, Bubba.

We could go on down there,

and the three of use could go down,

and anything we win,

we can give it to Lamont for his birthday present.

Yeah. Oh, oh.

Oh, Fred, I can't go.

Hmm? I don't have a costume.

Hey, Grady's right, Fred.

You know, if we want to be picked,

we're gonna have to be dressed

in something real crazy and weird.

Well... you're ready.

Wow. I... I just can't believe it.

We're gonna go down there to Wheel and Deal,

and... and when we get down there,

I'm gonna ask for a speed boat, and a refrigerator,

and a trip to Italy,

where I can sit with my spaghetti

and "pasta" time away.

Listen, now...

here's one thing we've got to get straight, though, Grady...

Whatever we win is for Lamont.

Oh, but, Fred, I wanted to go to Rome

so I could be with Gina under the "Brigida."

Hey, listen, that's Lamont coming now.

Now, don't you say nothing about this.

We're gonna keep it a secret from him, hear?

Okay. Hey, I'll tell you what we're gonna do.

We're gonna sneak out the back,

and we'll meet you down at the costume place

over on Melrose, okay?

Okay, that's a good idea. All right, come on.

Come on.

What's happening, Pop?

Hey, son.

What's happening, Pops?

World War III.

World War III?

Yeah, why else would they let out of jail?

Hey, man, lighten up on Rollo, Pop.

He's been helping me all day

to arrange things

for my birthday party, man,

and I'd appreciate it... Birthday?

No kidding? It's your birthday?

Well, I'll be doggone.

You're having a birthday.

Come on, man, you know tomorrow's my birthday, Pop,

and remember, you promised

that you was gonna bring the decorations

and the food and the liquor.

Your birthday?

My, how time flies.

Seems like only last year it was your birthday.

It fell on your birthday.

♪ It's my birthday party And I... ♪♪

No decorations.

Ain't no booze.

Ain't no food.

What kind of party is this gonna be?

Hey, Pop, would you get in here?

Ain't no decorations,

ain't no booze, ain't no food.

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday, Lamont!

Right on, dude!

Oh, Lamont, you look so handsome.

Thank you, Aunt Esther.

Hey, Lamont. Huh?

I would like for you to meet Brenda, my man.

Uh...

Hi.

Hello, Lamont.

Hi.

Say, man, where's all the party decorations?

And where's your old man?

Hi.

Huh? Uh, he... Can I get anybody anything?

Oh, sure. I'm starved.

I'd give anything, anything

for an hors d'oeuvre and a drink.

I'll kill him.

Hi and hello, everybody. This is Johnny Jacobs.

Welcome to Wheel and Deal.

Now, here's the biggest wheeler and the dealer of them all...

Harry Monte.

Hi, everybody.

Hi. Hi.

Madam, that's a beautiful hairdo.

Why, thank you.

I'll give you $200 if it's a wig.

You will?

I won, I won.

Here's your $200.

Congratulations. Thank you.

My, my,

what a good-looking group we've got to trade with today.

"Look here, Harry."

You, Sir, would you stand up, please,

and give us your name?

My name is Leif Erickson, and I'm a Viking.

Okay, Viking, look.

You see what I have in my hand here?

Two, three, four,

five brand-new 100-dollar bills.

Of course I see it.

Why do you think I'm standing here drooling?

And I'll give them all to you if you have a tube of lipstick.

A tube of lipstick?

What would I do with a tube of lipstick?

Man, I'm a Vi-king, not a Vi-queen.

I'm sorry.

Wait a minute, Harry.

How about a bra?

I've got one of those.

See?

See?

The guy down at the costume place

told me to wear this underneath all this brass,

or else it would turn my chest green.

I'm sorry, Viking,

and you're hurting my wrist.

Well, wait a minute now, Harry,

wait a minute, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, I gotta win something.

Come on, now.

Look, my buddies must have gotten lost

or something,

but they should be here most any time now.

Look, Viking, I'll give you $1.00

if you put your bra back on and sit down.

Fred, up here!

Well, well... What...

What lovely young couple did we pick here?

Well, hi, Harry. I... I'm Cinderella.

♪ Sala ca do la Misa ca bo la ♪

♪ Bibbity, bobbity, boo ♪♪

And I'm a blond, and if you touch my wand,

I'll give you a big kiss.

And who are you?

I'm Fred G. Sanford, and the "G" is for "Gorilla."

Are you comfortable in that thing?

Are you kidding? Comfortable?

You ever tried to go to the bathroom in an ape suite?

Now I know why Tarzan said, "Aah, ooh, aah!"

Hey, Lamont, hey, man, I'm a gonna go outside

and see if there's a mushroom up over this house, man,

because this is a bomb party.

Yeah, you're right, Rollo.

There's no food, no liquor, no decorations.

No chopsticks, man.

And it's all my father's fault.

Oh, that's him now, I'll bet.

He's in a cab too.

Oh, no it's not, it's Dap Sugar Willie.

Hey, baby, what's happening?

You? Give me five.

Take it back.

My man.

Hey, everybody.

Don't get up.

Hey, Dap Sugar, I want you to meet...

No names.

No names, please.

If this party turned out to be as good as I think it should,

I want to be able to tell the man

I don't know nobody.

Well, you got it, stranger.

That's cool.

Hey, man, show me where the food's at.

I'm starved.

Ain't no food at this party.

You've got to be kidding.

You joking?

No food?

Lamont, not even a cookie?

Okay, fellows, let's play Wheel and Deal.

I have here for you, Fred, a large box.

Forget the box. I'll take the girl.

Now... now, Fred, you remember,

this is for Lamont.

Oh, yeah, for Lamont.

Uh-huh.

Well, I'll take her Sundays and weekends.

Now, I won't tell you, Fred,

what's inside the box,

but the clue is "Fun every night."

The clue just walked off.

Now, Fred, you can keep

what's inside the box,

or you can wheel and deal

for what's behind curtain number one,

and that clue is "air."

It's up to you, Fred.

Air, air, and curtain,

curtain and air and... Take the curtain.

Take the curtain.

Take the box.

Take the curtain. The box.

Take the curtain. The box.

Would you sit down?

Put your wig on.

Air and curtain.

No, it's air balloon.

Ba... balloon, breath, breath, bad breath.

A year's supply of mouthwash.

No, no, no, no, no, no, Fred,

take... you take the box, the box.

You're sure, Grady?

I'm positive, Fred. It's the box.

The box, I'll take the box.

The box is yours, but before you show you

what you've got in the box,

let's see... what you turned down

behind curtain number one.

A brand-new convertible!

No! Grady, you big dummy!

You told me to take that box,

and look what's behind the curtain,

a convertible.

Lamont would have liked that.

I can see him now,

parked up there on Mulholland Drive

with a pretty girl, and kissing her.

Then if it got cloudy,

he could put the top up

so it couldn't rain on his parade.

I'm so sorry, Fred, I... I'm sorry.

Dumb blond, you.

Now, Fred, let's see what you've won

in the box.

Lindsy...

Grady, you wait till I get you home...

A color television set.

I'm gonna give you a big hug.

I won a color television. Whoo! Yeah!

I've got a great big television set.

21...

I won a 21-inch color television set.

Now I can see life as it really is.

Now I can see what color the Waltons are.

Oh, come on, Grady, help me carry this home.

Hey, hold it, Fred, it's not over yet.

It's time now

for your big "wheel and deal."

Huh? Now, you can keep

the 21-inch color television set,

or you can trade it in

for what's behind curtain number two.

It's up to you, Fred G. Sanford.

Uh... yeah, it's up to me.

The curtain. Keep the TV.

Uh... TV, TV?

TV and curtain.

Uh... listen, I... I should keep...

I was gonna take that curtain,

because it could be something behind that curtain.

Yeah, yeah.

See, and Lamont likes TV,

but he don't watch it as much as I do.

I already got a TV,

but I might wind up with nothing, Grady.

Let's see...

TV and the curtain. No, no, no.

Fred, Fred, Fred, you... you... you...

You... you take the TV, because that... that...

That's what you wanted your whole life.

My whole life,

I ain't even lived my whole life yet, Grady,

and besides, I've got to get something nice

for Lamont.

Hey, Grady... TV and the curtain.

Oh...

Listen, what... what's behind that curtain there?

I can't tell you that.

Tell me what?

You what?

I can't tell you that.

What are you, a bigot?

It's up to you,

and there's only one way to find out.

What?

The box or the curtain?

Well, I ain't... I ain't taking no chances.

Hold it, hold it, you can't go down there.

No, no, wait a minute.

You can't... You can't... Hey, wait up!

Hey, you can't do that!

Open these curtains.

Stop that!

Hey, Grady, hey, Bubba, look what I won!

A watch, a diamond watch.

Come here and look at it.

I won a diamond watch,

and for myself, I won these curtains.

Come on, help me take them home.

I've got a diamond watch.

Lamont, why don't we dance on

over to the light switch?

I want to give you my own present.

Uh, no, you keep the present, Brenda.

I don't want it.

Why?

Because I want the package that it comes in.

Esther!

I... I didn't know that was you.

I thought I was dancing with a tree.

Hey, Fred, Fred,

will you please turn that light off again.

Lamont's a wonderful dancer.

Grady, don't touch me with that wand no more.

Hey, pops, what's happening, Jack?

Hey, listen here, Rollo, ain't it kind of late for you?

You're gonna miss bed check at the detention farm.

Oh.

Fred Sanford, you sure got some nerve.

Wait a minute, Esther.

Hey, everybody, look, don't we make a nice couple...

King Kong and the bride of Frankenstein.

Are you through?

No, son, I'm not through yet,

not until I tell you

what happened to us today.

I'm not interested.

Not interested? I'm not interested, man.

We were having a good time

till you came barging in here.

We're still having a good time, and everybody's happy,

and Esther's smiling,

on... only you can't tell it,

because her face is in front of it.

I don't want to hear any more of this, okay?

See, see, son, Grady and Bubba...

I said I don't want to hear about it.

No, but, see, we went down to this TV sta...

I don't care about it. Would you stop it?

Now, just stop it, man.

You just couldn't let me have

one day out of the year

to get attention for myself.

You had to spoil it.

You didn't even do what you said

you was going to do, Pop.

But, son...

I don't want to hear nothing, man.

You spoiled my birthday.

I didn't mean...

And now look what happened. Everybody's leaving, man.

Ain't nobody left at my party.

What have you got to say about that?

Well... Here's your present.

I don't want it. You keep it.

Where... where did I go wrong, Cinderella?

I ruined my son's most important day,

and I don't know what to do.

Cinderella, can I borrow your slipper?

What you gonna do with that, Fred?

I'm gonna drink out of it.

If that don't kill me, nothing will.

I'm all alone now.

It's all my fault.

Elizabeth, I'm coming to join you, honey.

I messed up my son's most important day.

I failed him.

Lamont, it's you.

Hi, Pop. Sit down, man.

I want to talk to you about something.

Yeah, I know. You're leaving.

No.

All I want to do

is just ask you just to send a few bucks to the caretakers

so they can keep the pigeons off my tombstone.

Look, Pop,

I found the present that you gave me,

and I opened it.

You found it? Yeah.

And after you fell asleep,

Grady called me and told me why you did what you did.

Cinderella did that?

Yeah.

Well, I don't know

why Grady don't mind his own business.

Look, and I apologize, Pop.

I really feel awful, man.

That's okay, son. I forgive you.

You know what? What?

You're a pretty mellow old dude, man.

I'm lucky to have a father like you.

You mean that? Yeah.

You mean, like... like...

Like Ozzie was to Ricky?

Right.

Shucks.

Well, listen, let me see

how that watch looks on you.

Oh, uh... I sold the watch, Pop.

You sold my present?

Yeah, man,

a diamond watch is too fancy for me, see,

so I sold it and I got a cheaper one.

Plus, I had a few bucks left over.

A few? Mm-hmm.

A few?

You must've had enough money left over to buy a...

A new present for you?

A present... a present for me?

Mm-hmm.

That's my present? Yeah.

Oh, you didn't have to get me nothing.

What is it? Let me see that.

It's a remote-control switch

for a brand-new color television.

Hey, son, this is really nice,

but what good is it without the television?

This would be like giving Head and Shoulders

to Isaac Hayes.

Stay tuned for the second half of Love of Living.

Go inside and take a look, Pop.

Huh? What?

No, you didn't.

You didn't give me a color television?

Yeah.

Oh, son, I don't know...

I don't know what to say,

only that you're blocking the picture.

Oh, wow, look at that color television.

Hey, look, hit that button over there,

and that changes the stations.

Hello, Lucy.

Hello, Jolly Green Giant.

Goodbye, Ty-D-Bol.

And press that other button, Pop,

and that turns it on and off.

Oh, son,

I'm gonna try to be a better father for you, son.

I mean it, and I'm even gonna invite Aunt Esther over there

to watch TV with me.

Really?

Yeah, and then,

I'm gonna click this in her... Right in her face,

and see if I can change the way it looks.