All language subtitles for Last Man Standing s09e14 The Two Nieces of Eve.eng

Hey, there's more chamomile tea
if you want some.

Uh, actually I moved to beer.

But I-I'll compromise with you--
I can drink it hot.

-Have you got a-a text
or anything from Eve? -Well, uh, yeah.

-The good news is she's close.
-Good.

The bad news is she has to be
back on the base on Saturday.

What?
You know what,

we could just write
the Air Force a note,

like we did when
she was in high school.

I know, it's so unfair.

We haven't seen her
since forever.

And at first it was
gonna be five days

and then it was four, and now

we-we've lost one of those.

Well, I guess we're just
gonna do more with less.

And by that, I mean more
of my stuff and less of yours.

Oh, I just want to hold her.

You know, I've done the math,
and she owes me 235 hugs

and four "I love yous."

-'Cause, you know, she
gives those less often, so... -Yeah.

I actually have to ask her
to stop saying it.

It gets so embarrassing.

Look, don't think you're gonna
keep her all to yourself.

We all want to spend
time with her,

including her two nieces.

They're toddlers.

Kids don't really
get interesting

till they're
around seven years old.

And then you become fascinating.

Yeah, you're riveting.

Just relax. Plenty of time
to spend with the girls.

I'm a grown man.

I know how to share.

At ease, civilians.

Oh! Hey!

-Hey, old man.
-Hey. How are you?

-Out of the way,
get out of the way! -Ah, hey!

Oh, God!
Oh, my God.

Wow, it's gonna be
a long weekend, isn't it?

Yeah, by the time you're done

-you're gonna be a panini.
-Okay, I just...

♪ ♪

(sighs)

-Ooh, good morning!
-Ugh...

Oh, and another Mom hug.

How many are we up to now?

Well, it doesn't matter,
because I am just gonna

-keep raising the limit.
-Okay.

So what's for chow?

That's military for food.

I know, but you can't keep

giving away
military secrets like that.

Well, since it's been forever
since I made an Eve breakfast,

we made your...

(sing-songy):
favorite.

-Chicken on a ladder?
-That's right.

Two eggs on a ladder

-made of sausage
and bacon strips. -EVE: Yes!

I call it
the Stairway to Heaven.

-Is she... Eve!
-Hey!

-(speaking gibberish)
-Oh, oh, you, too.

Haven't you guys
ever heard of a handshake?

Can you stay for breakfast?

Uh, no, I would love to,
but some of us have to work.

Well, just call your boss
and tell him that you're sick.

Wait a minute...

Oh, no, I just came by
to give her a hug.

We will see you at 2:00,
uh, it's the perfect time.

'Cause it's post-nap, pre-poop.

Great.

-(squeals)
-Okay, can't wait.

I will see you then.

Dad, you have
to get me out of this.

No, no, he's not
gonna get you out of this.

Come on, you should
want to see your nieces.

I do. You can just
have them over, turn on the TV,

and I'll look at them.

MIKE:
No, no, no...

Come on, they're family,
you got to get to know them,

-bond with them.
After that crap's over, -(Eve sighs)

then we can do something fun.

All right.

Fine.

But now that they're
old enough to know what's cool,

I got to say, I feel bad

-for Mandy and Kristin.
-Why?

Because they're
your garden-variety moms.

I fly jets, okay?
I'm a bona fide superhero.

They-they can't compete
with that.

You're sounding
a little full of yourself.

No, no, no, I know
where she's coming from.

I've spent my whole life,
you know,

being... riveting.

Ah.

Right.
It's-it's actually a burden.

Tell me about it.

I got to tamp down
the Mike Baxter wattage

-every time I leave the house.
-Yeah.

I got to tamp down my breakfast.

-Spoken like a "normy."
-Yeah.

Well, I guess
you're just gonna have

to take your awesomeness
down a notch

and... pretend you're me.
(chuckles)

I think she's being
a little sarcastic.

But it's actually good advice.

-Hey!
-Oh!

Get a load of Kyle.

Looking very dapper.

Who died?

Oh, nobody.

Well, I mean,
I'm sure somebody did.

Just hopefully no one I know.

Not that I wish misfortune
on strangers.

Okay, man, I-I guess
what we're saying, Kyle,

-is you-you-you look nice.
-Yeah.

Oh, thanks.
I have a presentation

in my homiletics class
this afternoon.

Homi-what-ics?

Homiletics. It's a-it's
a fancy name for preaching.

-Yeah, it's
my toughest seminary class. -CHUCK: Mm-hmm.

Boy, you sure go through
a lot of trouble and expense

to become a minister.

Joe's right.
You should find some cheap,

easy way to serve the Lord.

Yeah.

Wait, you're kidding, right?

I am, but this is not
Joe's area of expertise.

-Oh, yeah?
-CHUCK: Yeah.

I've been a minister for years.

I got a certificate
and everything.

Where'd you get it,
out of a box of Goofy Flakes?

I got it online.

It cost 50 bucks.

Well, that's what
they said it cost,

but I lied on the application...

got financial aid.

Well, I guess
all that really matters

is that you feel the calling
to spread God's message of love.

Exactly, until that day
He calls the UFOs

to return us to the sun.

(vocalizes)

Uh...

that's not what I believe, Joe.

That's 'cause you're still
learning the stuff.

Remember,
I'm already a minister.

Oh!
You're eating pie?

We're gonna take Eve out
to dinner when she gets back.

This is pre-eating.

And fruit pie
really doesn't count.

It's just like eating an apple.

Well, look, uh, she spent the
afternoon with the little girls,

so I guess
we're gonna have to cancel

some of the plans
we have with her.

Don't touch the "T.T.O.O.D.M."

-And W.H.A.
-T is that?

"Throw Things Off
Outdoor Man."

It also is the sound it makes
when the stuff hits the ground.

Ta-doom!
Eve loves that-- ta-doom.

Hey-hey, how'd it go?

How much of your awesomeness
did you have to tamp down on?

(sighs) None of it.
I-I was 100% Eve.

Oh, come on, you're insane.
Did the girls, like, pass out?

Well, tell us everything.

Okay, um...

my nieces hate my guts.

You know,
I knew there was something

about those two little ones
I didn't like.

What do you mean,
your nieces hate you?

Oh, they don't hate you.
That's the finger

they use to point with.

No, no, they-they do.

I did all my best stuff.

Uh, zombie impressions, the
finger-through-the-head trick,

my best armpit farts, Dad.

You stole my whole act?

(sighs)
I just...

I mean, I don't-I don't get it.

When-when Boyd was their age,

he thought I was
the coolest person in the world.

That's because you and Boyd,
you like the same stuff.

That Boyd could
flick a booger really far.

Not as far as you.
I did measure one time

we were doing that in the
backyard and you were like...

Yeah, well, look,
Sarah and Evelyn are,

they're just into completely
different things, thank God.

Well, I gave
the aunt thing a shot.

So what are we gonna do?

All this talk has given me
a craving to do something gross.

Well, the simple solution
would be throw stuff

off the roof of Outdoor Man.

Oh, yes, that would be great.
Remember that sewing machine

that Mandy didn't want anymore?

Or the-the...
the one that we thought

she didn't want anymore?

That would be
the simple solution, I said,

but the right solution
is to take another shot

with your nieces.
You got to be a good aunt.

Can't I just be the strange aunt

they only see
at weddings and funerals?

Oh, you know what, I should
give my sister April a call.

You want to bond with children,

you got to get into their world.

I-I don't know what that means.

Well, uh, no, it means
if you're gonna play with them,

you have to adjust to them.

They'll tell you what they like.

Yep, over and over
and over again.

Yeah, yeah, you-you just
let them take the lead.

You might have to sacrifice,
uh, snots or farts

or whatever, um,

but there's other
fun stuff to do.

But what if they
want to have a...

tea party?

Then you have a tea party.
You get out that little set,

it's... put the little pinky up,

hold the top
and you pour like this.

And get those little cups
and the favorite part is

you got to...
don't, don't, it's hot!

You got to blow it.

It's really hot.
(speaks gibberish)

These little cups,
they're so cute,

'cause they got these little
tiny flowers on them,

and the little,
the little tiny...

so hot, it's...

Who are you?

Father to three daughters.
I've braided hair,

I've had tea parties,
I know every word

to "Under the Sea."

I bet you were so happy
when I came along.

What do you mean?
I love all my daughters.

But, my God, yes.

No, wait, but then, but then
I was the one who had to learn

how to shoot arrows,
and put on war paint and...

oh, gosh, I still
know every damn line

of dialogue to Predator.

Getting to know kids

sometimes requires you
to get out of your comfort zone.

But I like my comfort zone.

-It's all... broken in.
-Evie, just...

give it a try, okay?
They're having...

they're having
a little princess party tonight.

Why don't you go over there

and I guarantee
they're gonna love you.

Okay. If you can
make it through Schwarzenegger

and Dad can be Mrs. Doubtfire...

I might as well.

Excellent, milady.

You'll enjoy yourself.

(impersonating Schwarzenegger):
You, you get to the chopper!

Go!

To the chopper!

Hey, how's that
Hooked on Phonics class going?

Homiletics.

It was rough.

My professor says my preaching
needs to be more dynamic.

He's right! You know, you got
to grab them from the get-go.

You know what people
spark to right now?

Atlantis.

I don't think Denver
Theological Seminary wants me

preaching about Atlantis.

Well, try Bigfoot
or just make it up.

What?

No, I can't make it up,
I need to preach from the Bible.

Uh, I'm pretty sure Atlantis

is in the Bible.

No, it isn't.

Neither are spaceships
that go to the sun or Bigfoot.

Which Bible
are you talking about?

The Bible.

The one that tells the story
of God's plan for humanity.

You know, if you want
to make preaching easier,

maybe you should start with
just making up what's in it.

All right, this is the word of
God. If you don't believe that,

then I don't know
what to tell you, Joe.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey.

What the hell is going on here?

I-I was just trying
to explain something to Joe.

Look, I'm just helping the kid
with school. It's okay.

What?
It's not okay. It's not.

This is not church, Kyle.

I don't want you
telling people here

what they should
or shouldn't believe.

You understand?

Yes, sir.

ED:
Mm.

He's right.

Forgive me, Joe.

I'm just a man, Kyle.
I can't forgive.

That's a job for the whales.

Oh, hey.

Uh, so, when Eve
gets back from Kristin's,

we still have time
to do one more thing,

and I vote for tapas
and a stroll through LoDo.

I vote for billiards
and burgers at JB's Pub.

-(door opens)
-Oh, hey.

-Well.
-Whoa. (chuckles)

You really went all-out.
Um, how did it go?

It sucked.

-Oh.
-What do you mean?

I don't really want
to talk about it, Dad. Okay?

I hope you're gonna
clean up all this glitter.

So, she still won't talk to me.

-Mm-hmm.
-You know, I-I really hoped

that the Air Force
would soften Eve, but...

Well, the important thing
is that you tried,

not that you failed.

Uh, well, you know what?
Why don't you go up there.

Because I don't know
what's going on.

Oh, I don't know.
It just doesn't make any sense.

-Yeah.
-I mean, how could our sweet,

adorable granddaughters
hate Eve? I...

Well, we know Eve,
but do we really know anything

about those toddlers?

-MANDY: Hello?
-We're in here.

-Hey.
-Hi. Sorry, we left Nancy Bear.

-Ah.
-Hey, did Eve tell you

what a fantastic day
she had with the girls?

Damn right she did,
but you can always hear

a good story twice, right?
(chuckles)

(chuckles) It was so cute.
She was adorable with them.

She-she got down on the floor
and played and sang songs.

She was like that Elmo we hired.

Except sober.

-So, so, it went well?
-Oh, my God.

All I could hear were
those little girls laughing.

-(chuckles): Like,
really, really laughing. -VANESSA: Hmm.

And they had a tea party.

And Evelyn served the tea,
and Sarah made cake,

and-and Eve made it really fun.

Did she put her pinky
in the air? 'Cause that's...

-That-that came from me.
-(Vanessa chuckles)

Isn't he riveting?
(chuckles)

Anyway, the girls
love their Auntie Eve.

Even I'm starting to like her.

-(chuckles) Bye.
-(laughs) See ya.

I mean, do you think
Eve misread the whole thing?

I mean, look, she's not that
great at picking up on feelings.

No, she's good at picking on
other people that have feelings.

Yeah. Right.
(chuckles)

Hey, Mr. Alzate?
Can I have a minute?

I wanted to apologize

for arguing about religion
with a coworker.

I have reported myself to me,

and I will be dealt with.

Good. Let's-let's sit down.
Sit down, s-son.

(clears throat)
Uh, Chuck told me

how this thing with Joe
got started.

Now, you realize he was
just yanking your chain, right?

-Yeah, of-of course.
-Yeah, you know.

-No, I didn't.
-(laughs)

Well, he was.

Joe is like that.
You know, he's-he's an idiot,

so-so don't let it bother you,
all right?

It's not really what Joe said
that's bothering me. It...

I'm really struggling
in my homiletics class.

That's the study...

Yeah, I-I know what it is.
So, what's the...

what's the problem
with your preaching, son?

Well, my professor says
I'm not dynamic enough.

I-I need to figure out some way

to make people interested
in what I believe.

Hold on there.
(groans)

Hmm.

When my old man passed away,
he left me two things:

this Bible,

all right,

and a 1923 Echeverria pistol.

Just let me say
that I spent more time

learning about the pistol.

I didn't know
your dad was religious.

Yeah, he said he was.

I mean, he spent a lot of time
reading this book.

Yeah, but his whole life,
the S.O.B. never did one thing

that made me want to read it.

Yeah, you hear that kind
of thing a lot from people.

ED:
Mm.

On the other hand...

everything you do

makes me wonder
what you see in this book.

-It does?
-Mm.

Yes, it does, Kyle.

See, I don't know what
your homiletics professor wants,

but from where I sit,

you just being you

is pretty dynamic to me.

Thank you, sir.

-That really helps.
-Good.

Oh, just one thing.
(clears throat)

And remember,

"God helps those
who help themselves."

That's actually
Benjamin Franklin.

I know that.
Get out, Kyle.

(knocks)

Who wants to clean a shotgun?

Go away, Dad.

All right.

I just said go away.

Oh, I'm-I'm sorry.
I thought you said,

"Please come in
'cause you paid for the house."

(Eve sighs)

I really don't feel
like talking about it.

Uh, you don't feel like talking

about the fact
that you actually had

a great time with your nieces?

(sighs)
Yeah, it was great.

They're just so adorable,

and I...

-I love them.
-Hmm.

How could I let this happen?

Well, it isn't really the fact
that you let it happen.

It actually happened to you.

You should have seen us, Dad.
We were laughing

and goofing around
and drinking imaginary tea.

I love to do that with them,
but, you know,

I sneak a little bourbon
in there.

They don't know. And I,
you know, don't let them have it

'cause I think
it's against the law.

We spun around until
we got dizzy and fell down.

I almost threw up.

It was awesome.

Did they give you
the greatest line ever?

To me, there was,
"Grampy, get up.

Are you sleeping, Grampy?
Get up. Get up."

They called me "Auntie Eeb."

How cute is that?

They're adorable.

That's how they get to you.

You know?
And the next thing you know,

you're wearing a necklace
made out of macaroni.

-(sighs)
-(chuckles)

I mean,
and then you have to leave.

That was the worst.

I was trying to walk to the car
without crying my eyes out,

and I saw them at the door,
giggling and saying,

"See ya later, abigator."

Yeah, leaving is hard.

Well, it wasn't for you.
I mean, you-you used to leave

for Outdoor Man trips
all the time.

Just say goodbye,
and that's it. See ya.

I mean, I want to be that cold
and unfeeling.

No offense.

Well, I hate to say it,
but, uh, you are like me.

There's something else.

Leaving for those trips

was-was the hardest thing
I've ever done.

So, it broke your heart
to leave us?

I don't want to talk about it.

So, what? That's it?
No helpful advice? Nothing?

(chuckles softly)

All I got is
the harder the goodbye,

the sweeter the hello.

So, I'm not weak

for wanting to bawl my eyes out
over two toddlers?

It's hard, isn't it?

I don't want to talk about it.

Hey, I just got a text
from Mandy.

(sighs) Don't worry
about the typos, Mom.

-English is basically
her second language. -(Vanessa laughs)

No, she said, uh,

she said the little ladies
are ready for bed,

and they want their "Auntie Eeb"
to come read them a story.

-Really? Oh!
-VANESSA: Mm-hmm.

Okay, I'm there.

Oh, my God, I hope they have
Green Eggs and Ham.

Remember you used to read that
to me, Dad?

-I'll do stuff
with you guys next time, okay? -VANESSA: Yeah.

-MIKE: Mm-hmm.
-All right. I promise. Bye.

(exhales)
Well...

Is it wrong
that I hate toddlers

because they're taking
my daughter away from me?

You okay?

Uh-huh.

You sure?

Uh-huh.

How 'bout we-we crack a beer

and-and go sit in your truck
and listen to some oldies?

Uh-uh.

Want to have a tea party?

-With bourbon?
-Oh. Uh-huh.

Hey, Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man.

Outdoor lucky man, really.

I have a family filled with
people I actually like to see.

Good thing, because there's
always one of them

in my kitchen.

But I know
everyone has a twitch

at the holidays
when the doorbell rings.

-(doorbell rings)
-And you go, "Oh, wow!

"Surprised us this year,
Uncle Ted.

(chuckling):
I thought you had passed."

(sighs)

The only good thing
about those visits

is the sweet relief
of them leaving.

"Okay, drive safe.

"Or... or not.
(chuckles)

-Just drive away."
-(tires screech)

A lot of people
hate saying goodbye.

What are we avoiding, you know?

I guess it's simple: the real
sadness of leaving someone

or having someone leave
that we love,

especially when you don't know
if you'll ever see them again.

Kind of like saying goodbye
to your favorite TV show.

Damn.

Thought I wouldn't get upset.

But it's okay.

There's nothing of greater value

than a meaningful connection
with a loved one.

And the price we pay for that is
feeling sad when we say goodbye.

Seems worth it to me.

I'm sure
you're feeling that right now,

knowing this... vlog
is coming to an end.

Baxter out.

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