Original subtitles

( upbeat music )

Guys, huge problem-- Kelsey Vargas,

the coolest girl in school, is on her way down here.

Don't panic. We've trained for this.

- Guys, bust out the emergency deodorant. - Yeah.

I don't need deodorant.

We all need deodorant. We're teenage boys.

Our bodies are a smorgasbord of smells.

I don't take any chances.

I’m wearing a necklace of air fresheners right now.

( sniffs )

This week I'm Alpine Meadow.

I told Kelsey I was a martial arts expert

and the youngest sensei in history.

- Jerry. - Oh, Rudy, Kelsey’s on her way.

Dude, please hook me up with that black belt.

You can't have this belt.

It's a symbol of hard work, honor and respect.

Well, then why do you use it to walk your dog?

That was one time and it was an emergency.

I had a pug with the squirts and new white carpet.

Look, can we stop talking and get to sparring, please?

Jerry, you're up against Kim.

- Milton, you're with me. - Eddie, you're with Jack.

Jack?

Uh, hold on. My phone's vibrating.

You know, I hate to be that guy, but-- Hello?

You mean the guy that pretends his wallet is a phone?

Please, shh!

Can you hear me now?

Come on, guys, let's go. ( clapping )

Hi, Jerry.

( gasps ) Kelsey, what a surprise.

So these are your students that fear and respect you?

Yes, we are.

I’m about to fear and respect the living grits out of him right now.

Oh, no, not my grits. I'm gonna need my grits.

- ( grunts ) - ( thuds )

Yeah, I’d say you've got that move down pretty well.

Oh, you guys take a five.

Kelsey and I are gonna get a froyo.

Oh, come on, Kelsey.

( theme music )

♪ Don't you get all tough with me ♪

♪ I'm saying won't you Come kick it with me? ♪

♪ And we can have a ball run up the wall ♪

♪ This is how we do ♪

♪ And no matter how much I chop and punch ♪

♪ It's not as cool As kickin' it with you ♪

♪ Here we go, let's start the party ♪

♪ Chop it up like it's karate ♪

♪ Everybody ♪

♪ Don't you get all tough with me ♪

♪ I'm saying won't you Come kick it with me? ♪

♪ And we can have a ball run up the wall ♪

♪ This is how we do ♪

♪ And no matter how much I chop and punch ♪

♪ It's not as cool As kickin' it with you ♪

( upbeat music )

Hey, thanks a lot, Kim.

You cost me a date with the coolest girl in school.

What are you gonna do, sensei, throw me out of the dojo?

Kim, in the future, Let's respect Jerry enough

not to embarrass him in front of girls he's lying to.

Thank you, Jack. It's called decency, Kim.

- ( kazoo playing ) - ( laughter )

All hail Miltonius,

the newly-crowned king of Narnia!

See, Milton,

This is the reason you had to go to spring formal with the biolab skeleton.

I’ll have you know that Bonita is an excellent dancer.

Hey, I know what's going on.

It's that time of year when all the dorks come out

to play swords and magic in the park.

Or if it rains, we use the bingo hall at the senior center.

We tear it up.

- Hi, Jerry. - Hey, Kelsey.

I was just talking to this kid I've never seen before.

I don't even know his name. Right, Milton?

Really, Jerry?

Guys, big news,

this year you all are gonna participate in the battle with me.

What happened to all your other friends?

You know, the ones that throw up when I try to talk to them?

Well, this year things are a little complicated.

Francis has a bassoon recital,

Jeffrey is a finalist in the Mathlympics

and Louis got grounded for teaching his cockatiel bad words.

Dude, we're not gonna be a part of your nerdfest.

Very funny, Jerry.

NerdFest is in Minneapolis in October.`

See, Milton, a bunch of dudes in tights,

running around the woods beating each other senseless

with foam swords-- It's just not our thing.

Well, it's my thing

and I wanna share this moment with my best friends.

- That's you guys. - I don't know.

I just quit the cello and threw out my panda bear backpack.

I’m just starting to get cool.

Come on, just give it a chance.

Soon you'll know the exhilaration of bounding down a hill,

cape aflutter, to slay a half-elf with a foam rubber ax.

Are you with me? All for one and one for--

Gah!

I probably lost 'em at "cape aflutter."

( upbeat music )

I can't believe my own friends bailed on me.

I don't know-- Running around the woods,

beating other dudes senseless with foam swords--

That just sounds like a good time to me.

I even rented them costumes and everything.

You know what? I love stuff like this.

Are you saying you'll go into battle with me?

It would be an honor, my lord.

Wow, you may be the only real friend I have.

With this bo staff,

I dub thee, Rudy, my faithful squire.

I can't believe it. I'm a squire!

I’m a squire! I'm a squire!

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ Kickin' it with you! ♪

You know, I don't think this squiring thing is for me.

This turkey leg isn't gonna salt itself.

- ( sighs ) - ( salt shaker rattles )

Dang it, I left my grape juice in the port-o-pooper.

What are you waiting for? Go get it.

( Rudy grunting )

( screams )

It's so hard to find good squires these days.

( Rudy yelps )

Oh, guys, check it out.

I smoothed everything out with Kelsey.

I promised I would never lie to her again, and I got a date with her this afternoon.

- Yeah! - The kid is back in the game. Whoo!

Nerd alert.

Greetings. We are the Dark Knights.

Warriors known for being brave and ferocious and--

Ferocious?

Sidney, you cried in science when your fruit fly died.

That fruit fly left behind 3,000 babies.

Milton said he put together a band of loyal warriors

that will finally capture our grail and defeat us.

( scoffs ) Like that's going to happen.

Ha-ha-ha-haa. Haa-haa.

- Dude, dude, dude. - ( laughing stops )

That evil laugh is so not working.

Thanks, Benny.

You told me it was intimidating.

Whoa.

Guys, Milton called us his loyal warriors.

Now he's gonna be out there all alone

against a flock of dweebs hopped up on Honey Buns.

Uh, Jack, are you saying we should go to the park and help him?

Because, uh, I-- I can't.

My aunt Charlotte--

Yeah, she's coming in from Charlotte

and we're gonna go watch "Charlotte's Web."

Wow, I am not good at lying.

Look, Milton’s always been there for us.

Jerry, what about the time where you tried to get Kelsey jealous

by making her think you were dating a cheerleader?

Who helped you out?

( upbeat music )

Wow, you're right. He was there for me

Did you know that Brian Donnelly actually asked him out?

( groans )

Eddie, what about you?

You hate going to visit your nana.

That's because she always wants to do things to my hair.

But who always goes with you?

( disco music playing )

I love it. I'm gonna rock this new look.

Sometimes I think nana loves him more than me.

And I’m okay with that.

And, Kim, what about that time at the St. Patrick's Day Concert

when you lost your voice?

Who got you through that?

♪ No more St. Patrick's day she'll keep ♪

♪ Her color can't be seen ♪

♪ For there's a cruel law ♪

♪ Against the wearin' of the green. ♪

Guys, I think you know what we have to do.

( upbeat music )

Seriously?

Is this really what we have to do?

Yes, it is.

Come on, let's go to the park.

I don't get it.

Why do I have to be the princess?

I am not swapping.

Hey, lady, eyes up here, okay?

Oh, these sexy legs are a curse.

( upbeat music )

I can't take this anymore.

It's hot, my feet are killing me

And these elf ears are starting to get sweaty.

You don't get to complain.

We could have stayed on the path to the battlefield,

but no, you knew a shortcut through the woods.

This is not a shortcut, Eddie!

Relax.

I'm an Explorer Scout.

I was trained to navigate by the stars.

- Oh, I can help you see the stars. - Hey, hey.

Come on, guys, we have to focus.

Milton's battle starts in a half-hour.

Hey, it's a groundhog.

Hey.

Well, you're a cute little fella, aren't you?

- How are you doing? How are you doing? - ( hissing )

That's not a groundhog, Jerry. That's a porcupine.

- I wouldn't get too close to it either. - Uh, thank you, Jack,

but I think I know the difference

between a groundhog and a porcupine, okay

Are you looking for your mommy or something, cutie?

No, no?

( quills whoosh )

This dumb groundhog thinks he's a porcupine.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I have to go over there.

( Jerry screaming )

So, where is this big loyal army you've been bragging about?

Yeah, man. Where are they?

I got this, Your highness.

Yeah, we may be outnumbered,

but my king has the heart of a lion

and I have the speed of a-- a--

You know, those animals with the pointy ears

- and they're really fast? - Uh, a gazelle.

Yeah. No, no.

They're skinny And they don't really run so much as--

as just bound. And they kind of go grr!

- Oh, it's right on the tip of my tongue. - Squire.

Let's just go over the rules.

One, the first team to capture the other's grail

and place it on the pedestal of glory

next to their own is the winner.

Rule two, if you get struck on the chest, you're out.

Cheetah!

Sorry, it's the animal I was thinking of earlier.

It just popped into my head. I-- sorry, just keep going.

Rule three, no cursing or foul language,

unless it's a medieval word like "zounds."

- ( knights gasp ) - Milton, you are better than that.

Eh.

- You've got a little something here. - Where?

( screams )

Where were you?

Let's just say I did something I've never had to do before

and hope I never have to do again.

I felt that way when I had to take my cats' temperature.

They fight it. Oh, they fight it.

You know what? I just realized...

- I have a GPS on my phone. - Oh.

- I’ll get us out of these woods. - No, no, no.

- I said I’ll get us out And I will. - ( phone beeping )

Explorer Scouts do not rely on GPS.

- Hey, give me that. - Just--

Now are you happy? My phone just flew into that log.

Relax, I’ll get it.

Hey, I got it.

- ( buzzing ) - I think you got a call.

it's starting to buzz.

My phone's not buzzing. That's a beehive!

Aah!

- ( yelping ) - That's not mine either!

( all yelling )

( thuds )

( screaming )

( squelches )

- I think I lost them. - What happened to you?

I had a little mud situation.

Ugh.

Jack: Wow, I really hit my head.

Is there a bump?

( chuckles ) J-just a teeny one.

Dude, your forehead is jacked up.

( fanfare music )

Rudy, this looks bad.

They'll be coming for our grail soon and I think you should know

I probably won't be going home with you.

No, don't you talk like that.

You're so young.

You've got your whole life ahead of you.

No, I won't be going home with you

because my mom is picking me up here to take me to the orthodontist.

Look, whatever happens down there,

It's been an honor to serve under you.

Rudy, I’ve been thinking.

If you're the only one who stood by me.

( chuckles )

I hereby dub thee

Sir Rudy, my faithful knight.

I can't believe this. It's all happening so fast.

Pretty good for a kid from the wrong side of the tracks

with nothing but a pocketful of dreams.

Not gonna cry. Not gonna cry.

Get it together, man.

( fanfare music plays )

- We're going into battle. - Yes.

All: Charge!

( both panting )

I think we finally lost the bees.

- ( Jerry exhales ) - Where's Kim and Eddie?

Oh, Kim got her hair tangled up in a thorn bush.

Eddie’s trying to get her out.

( panting )

It took a while, but I finally got Kim’s head out of that bush.

Luckily I have my official Explorer Scout pocket knife.

( gasps )

Guys, the battlefield's right over there.

Come on.

Eddie, even if you make it out of this battle alive,

Kim's gonna kill you.

Wait, that was Kim?

( swords whooshing )

I don't think I have much left.

My tights are riding up,

I got sunblock in my eye,

and if I don't get a potty break soon,

something really bad's gonna happen.

Something better not happen.

Those pantaloons are rented.

Battle on!

We must protect the grail at all costs.

- ( swords whooshing ) - ( grunts )

It's over, Miltonious!

Prepare to taste my foam.

- ( grunts ) - ( whooshing )

Ow!

Who threw that?

( all screaming )

His army is made of ogres!

Those aren't ogres, Those are my friends.

Retreat! Retreat!

( screaming )

You guys made it.

This may not be our thing, but if it means something to you,

then we're with you, King Miltonius.

Thank you.

Who's the dude with the punked-out mullet?

All right, guys, hands in.

We've got us a grail to capture.

All: Wasabi!

- Charge! - ( all yell )

Ha!

- Charge! - ( all yelling )

Aah!

Aah!

Oh.

( yelling )

( grunts )

( swords whooshing )

- Hiya! - ( thuds )

( all grunting )

( grunting continues )

Yeah! Don't mess with the Jack.

Ya-- ( rustles )

( grunting )

( grunting continues )

Aah!

( yells )

Yes!

Aah!

( all scream )

( suspenseful music )

Yeah.

( grail whooshing )

( whooshing continues )

- Victory! - Yeah!

Oh! Come on.

Jack: Yeah!

Way to go, Milton. You did it.

No, Jack, we did it.

Here you go, Milton. You've earned your gr--

( shrieks )

( squeaks ) My hair.

What happened to my hair?

- Eddie? - ( laughs nervously )

You are so dead!

Aah!

( thudding )

♪ Kickin' it with you! ♪

Thanks again, guys.

I know you were embarrassed by those costumes.

But don't worry, you'll never have to wear them again

and no one at school will ever have to know.

You're right, Milton,

They don't, but they will.

( heroic music )

( inaudible ) Call me.

( heroic music )

( closing theme music )