Original subtitles

[Hawaiian music]

[peppy music]

[slow music]

If, uh, I haven't returned in five minutes

you needn't wait.

Very good, sir.

I'm so sorry to have awakened you.

Don't mention it. I wasn't asleep.

Insomnia? Or...memories?

Why don't you do what you came to do, and go away?

Mm-hmm.

Magnificent!

The man who gave you these must have loved you very much.

He must have known you perfectly, too.

Knowin' how well the color of each pearl

'matched the texture of your skin.'

- 'How--' - Oh, please, please, David!

Why must you talk to me like this?

Maybe it's because I love you so much.

- Because I want you back. - Do you mean that?

Do you remember the words I said to you

the day I gave you that necklace?

"Always faithful." Our wedding day.

I've never broken that promise, Eve.

Oh, I've been a fool. Oh, David!

[orchestral music]

[applause]

[audience cheering]

What a man!

(male announcer) 'Miss Sarah's car.'

'What a gala evening this is, ladies and gentlemen.'

It'd seem that everyone in Hollywood has turned out

to pay tribute to Brooks Mason, the glamour boy of Hollywood.

Oh, oh, here comes Brooks Mason himself.

'Watch the crowds.'

[people clamoring]

'Here they go! They all want his autograph.'

'There they go. And is he going to have his hands full!'

They nearly swept him off his feet!

'They have swept him off his feet!'

Mr. Mason. Mr. Mason. Mr. Mason! Mr. Mason!

Mr. Mason. Mr. Mason, will you saw a word to your public?

Help!

You have just heard the voice of Brooks Mason.

(man on radio) 'I guess we'll have to send for an ambulance for Mr. Mason.'

'It looks like he's completely out.'

Well, did you hear that?

I just been mobbed out of the theater.

How do I look?

The question is, how does he look?

Like me, evidently. Poor guy.

It's his own fault. He has no right to look like you.

Don't you see, if we go to the premiere, it'd have been me.

It'd have been Brooks Mason

they're making hash of down there.

Getting so I can't take a step without my public loving me.

And tearing me apart.

Look, I want to show you something.

This happened at the preview of "The Lady Said No".

This happened at the preview of "The Lady Said Maybe".

And this happened at the preview of "The Lady Said Yes".

You see that sleeve?

Once there was a coat attached to it.

But this afternoon, front of the derby, they tore it apart.

They tore the buttons of my vest, my suspenders.

What's a few buttons? The fans love you.

I love them, too. Did you try to sign

an autograph with one hand and hold up your pants

with the other?

- 'Mr. Duffy's here.' - Oh, hello, Joe.

Hello, glamour pants. Oh, hello, Brewster.

- Hello. - I...hope I'm intruding.

Mr. Duffy, wherever you are, you are intruding.

Well, I've got to go. Goodnight, darling.

Goodnight.

Don't go on account of me, Brewster.

Oh, I've got to go. I'm allergic to agents.

- Goodnight, Gale. - Goodnight, honey.

I'll get even with that dame, if I have to marry her

Never mind her. You see the boss.

Told you I'd fix it. I arranged a nice little vacation for you.

- Six whole weeks. - Good!

Making personal appearances in New York.

Oh, no! Not me. I won't go. I know what it will be like.

The mobs are bigger and stronger.

'Minute they stop mobbing you, you're a has-been.'

I know that, but I don't want to go.

I'm tired. They can't do that to me.

They promised me a vacation. Well, I quit.

- Quit? - Well, I won't quit.

But they can't do that to me.

I'm worn out. I want a rest, some peace and quiet.

I'd like to sleep one morning way up to 7:30.

New York. You mention New York to me once more, and I'll..

...I'll jump right out that window.

Brooksie, you can't do that. That ain't croquet.

Now, go on get some sleep, and stop talking

about jumping out of windows.

- Washington. - Yes?

Mix him a drink and don't make it scotch, make it a big one.

Goodnight, glamour pants. See you tomorrow.

Goodnight!

They can't do that to me. They promised me a vacation.

I don't get out of here, I'll get a...nervous breakdown.

Yes, sir.

You know what a nervous breakdown is?

Well, not exactly

but if you want one, I'll try to mix it for you.

Oh, never mind.

- Get me some coffee. - Yes, sir.

[siren wailing]

You're alright. Just take it easy, old boy.

Say, Mac, this is Brooks Mason, the actor.

Oh, the picture couldn't have been that bad, could it?

My girlfriend thinks he's terrific.

Don't worry Mr. Mason, we're headed to the hospital

in 5 minutes.

Never mind the hospital, I want to go home.

[doorbell buzzing]

I'm coming.

[doorbell buzzing]

Here I am.

- The Mason's residence? - Yes, sir.

Little accident.

- Where shall we take him? - Oh-h!

Upstairs.

He done did it!

Just keep him in bed, and send for his doctor.

Yes, sir. Poor Mr. Mason.

You said you'd do it, but I didn't believe you.

Why didn't you ask me?

I'd have told you jumping out of window was bad luck.

Here, let me help you off with that shirt.

Oh, now, leave me alone. Leave me alone.

Yes, sir. I'll get you coffee.

[muttering indistinctly]

Hey! Who are you?

What do you want, an autograph?

How'd you get here?

I, I was just going to ask you that.

I live here.

I mean I was gonna ask you how I got here?

Well, don't you know?

Well, I was coming out of the theater--

Oh! You're the guy they thought was me.

Say, you do look like me.

You look as much like me as I do, even more.

- Why, you're Brooks Mason. - yeah.

I've been mistaken for you lots of times in Hawaii.

Are you an Hawaiian?

Oh, no. I have a plantation there.

Pineapples?

Yes, I grow pineapples. How did you know that?

Well, all I know about Hawaii is pineapples and ukuleles.

And you can't grow ukuleles.

Well, I guess I better get back to my hotel now.

Oh, no no no, stay here tonight.

Least I can offer you, is a little hospitality

after the beating you took for me.

I'll get you some pajamas.

No, you certainly do look alike of me.

We certainly do.

You say you've been mistaken for me before?

Oh, yes, lot's of times. In Hawaii.

What's it like it in Hawaii?

Oh, there's nothing much to do there.

- Just peace and quiet. - Peace and quiet.

Put these on. I'll get you a robe and some slippers.

Here's your coffee, sir. Nice and hot, and everything.

Yes, sir!

Oh, thank you. I don't--

If they're gonna keep tearing your clothes like this

you'll have to take plenty suits. Six weeks in New York.

That must be some eight days in a week.

Multiply them together, six weeks..

Let's make it eight days a week, to be on the safe side.

Six times eight.. Eight times six..

Seems to me I oughta know how much that is.

Let's call it 30. Yup, you'll need 30 suits.

I knew I'd get it if I separated my revisions from abstractions.

Yes, sir.

Maybe I'm wrong.

Well, I'd like to have that coffee.

Didn't I just..

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir!

How'd he do that? How'd he do that?

Oh, I don't think I care for any coffee, thank you.

This ain't my day.

I was gonna.. You told me. Yes, sir.

It's impossible!

Where's the cream and sugar?

It's in the.. Where are you?

What do you think?

Something wrong. It ain't true. It can't be true!

Yet, somehow it is.

Now, you go get the sugar and cream.

Mr. Mason, you ain't got enough money

to get me back to that room.

- Did you see a...ghost? - Yeah, that's it.

You jumped out the window, and you dead.

I'm gone!

Don't tell me you're afraid of ghosts.

Mr. Mason, when folks is dead, I'm through with them.

Well, how do you like that?

Horace's been with me 10 years, and he couldn't tell us apart.

If he couldn't, I guess nobody could.

Oh, so that's it.

I was beginning to think he was crazy.

Listen, how would you like to go to New York?

As my guest.

Why go to New York with you?

No no no, not with me, instead of me.

You see, I'm supposed to go to New York, and I don't want to.

I want you to go, and pinch hit for me.

You want me to go to New York as Brooks Mason?

Yes. And I'll go to Hawaii as, uh..

- George Smith. - George Smith. Here.

Well, I'd like to go to New York, but--

And I'd like to go to Hawaii.

It's quiet and peaceful there. You can autograph pineapples.

Wait a minute. You're not married are you?

- No, but-- - Engaged?

Well, I have been and I haven't been.

Then I have been, then I haven't been.

Well, can't you make up your mind?

Well, I can, but she can't.

You see, Cecelia, my fiance, and I got along swell

until she got back from Europe.

Now, she thinks I'm dull and unsophisticated.

That's why I came to Hollywood.

To sort of get a little polish.

Swell! New York is just the place for you.

New York will polish you off in no time.

But...I'm not prepared to go to New York.

That's alright. My agent, Joe, will take care of everything.

Why, you'll have the time of your life.

But under no circumstances must you tell anyone

even Joe Duffy, that you're George Smith.

From now on, I'm George Smith and you're Brooks Mason.

- Well-- - Good. Now, we gotta work fast.

I got a give you a few pointers

on how to behave as a movie star.

And you've gotta tell me what to do with those pineapples.

I've always enjoyed you in pictures, Mr. Mason.

Oh, thank you... Mr. Smith.

Ah, you want my autograph?

[both laugh]

[ukulele music]

[fumbling]

[sighs]

Oh, Dot. Dot.

Oh, am I excited! Am I thrilled!

Am I all goose pimples! Am I? Am I? Well, of course I am.

- Oh, Millie! - Oh!

I can hardly stand up.

- Put a chair under me, quick. - Here you are.

Oh, now, I'm too excited. I can't sit down.

- But what's the matter? - He's on board.

Who's on board?

He is, too. I saw him myself.

What are you talking about?

Who's on board? What are you looking for?

He's on board. My autograph book.

Dorothy, it was on top of the trunk.

Couldn't have walked away. Where'd you suppose--

There it is.

- Oh, thank you. - Look.

For the last time, who's on board?

- Brooks Mason. - Oh, Brooks Mason.

Oh! I suppose that's peanuts to you. My dream man!

I'm going to meet him in person.

And I warn you, if he makes one false move, I'm his.

You think it'll do you a lot of good

to throw yourself at him.

Throw myself? If I thought it would do any good

I'd have myself shot at him out of a canon.

- Boo. - If one can't have a..

- Oh, how do you do? - Oh, I get it.

You're just like all the movie stars, disguising yourself.

- I beg your pardon. - Oh, come on!

♪ Stop beating around the mulberry bush ♪

♪ The mulberry bush the mulberry bush ♪♪

Come on, Brooksie, I know you. Take it off.

[shouting]

- Oh, it's a real beard. - Well, of course.

- And you're not Brooks Mason? - Certainly not.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry I pulled your beard!

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

You know, my daddy's got a beard.

Is that so?

And on account of his beard

he had a very dangerous operation.

Is that so?

Yeah, he got his whiskers caught in his zipper.

In his zipper?

He put on this leather jacket, and he couldn't get it off.

Oh, I see. Yes, I'll bet that was a very dangerous operation.

Dangerous. Well, they had to put the instruments

down his throat and make the incision from the inside.

- Why? - Why!

Well, if they'd made it from the outside

they would have ruined his leather jacket.

Oh, I see. You're, you're not going?

Let's go down to the bar and have a drink.

Hey, pop, you're a fast worker.

Well, I have to work fast. I'm getting old.

[laughing]

I don't get it.

[indistinct chattering]

[peppy music]

[tuning ukulele]

♪ My dog has fle-fleas ♪

♪ My dog has fleas ♪

♪ My dog has fleas ♪

♪ My dog has fleas fleas ♪

Got it!

[singing "Honolulu"]

♪ I'm on my merry way I'm on a holiday ♪

♪ I mean I'm on my way to Honolulu ♪

♪ The days just drift along ♪

♪ The nights are filled of song ♪

♪ I hope that I'm not wrong in Honolulu ♪

♪ I bought a ukulele ♪

♪ I practice on it daily ♪

♪ Sounds wicky wacky waily ♪

♪ My hula hula song ♪

♪ I know it's gonna be ♪

♪ An awful blow to me unless I find romance in Honolulu ♪

♪ I know just how it looks from the pretty picture books ♪

♪ So please don't disappoint me Honolulu ♪

♪ My Honolulu by the coral sea ♪♪

Come on, Miss March, get on the feet and do that, will you?

- Mmm-mmm. Too many people. - Oh, they'd love it!

- Oh, go on, Dorothy. - Please, Miss March.

Oh, go on.

Well, alright, you're coming with me.

Who, me? Oh, no!

[upbeat music]

♪ I'm on my merry way ♪

♪ I'm on a holiday ♪

♪ I mean ♪

♪ I'm on my way to Honolulu ♪

♪ The days just drift along ♪

♪ The nights are filled with song ♪

♪ I hope ♪

♪ that I'm not wrong on Honolulu ♪

♪ I bought a ukulele ♪

♪ Bought a ukulele ♪

♪ I like to practice ♪

♪ I practice on it daily ♪

♪ Practice it on it daily ♪

♪ It sounds wicky wacky waily ♪

♪ I know that it sounds wicky wacky ♪

♪ My hula hula song ♪

♪ I know it's gonna be ♪

♪ An awful blow to me ♪

♪ Unless ♪

♪ I find romance in Honolulu ♪

♪ I know just how it looks ♪

♪ From the pretty ♪

♪ Picture books ♪

♪ Please don't disappoint me Honolulu ♪

♪ Why don't you meet us by the sea ♪

[music continues]

[music continues]

[crowd cheering]

- Isn't that wonderful? - Swell!

You know, she keeps spinning like that all the time.

And I'm always dizzy.

Well, what are you puffing about?

Well, that's quite a workout.

Say, Dotty, I'm getting an awful empty feeling

in my stomach.

Seasick?

No, I guess it's something I didn't eat.

I suppose my exercise gave you an appetite.

Oh, what's the matter. Your tootsies hurt?

Oh, come on, I'll help you.

Oh!

Oh.

I beg your pardon. I dropped a shoe down there.

- Did you see it? - See it?

It hit me right between the eyes.

Why don't you people look where you're throwing..

- Oh, I'm so sorry. - Ah, that's alright.

I was having a terrible dream anyway.

It's awfully nice that you to take it that way.

Would you mind tossing it up?

I'll do better than that, I'll bring it up.

You know, he's much nicer than I thought he'd be.

- Who? Who? - Your dream man.

I just knocked him out of a dream.

Mason? My Brooks Mason?

- Yes. Coming right up. - Coming up the stairs?

- To see us? - Mm-hmm.

Like a personal appearance, like?

Oh, Dorothy, feel my heart, my pulse, something has stopped.

Maybe I'm dead.

Oh, Dorothy, will you do me a favor.

Sure. What do you want?

Let me be the Cinderella. Make believe it's my shoe.

- Okay. - Thank you, Dorothy.

Oh, you and you're Brooks Mason.

Oh, I'll never forget you for this.

Well, here you are.

Thank you, but it really belongs to my friend.

This is Millicent De Grasse.

How you do, Miss De Grasse?

Oh, just call me Millie, and cut De Grasse.

Well, Cinderella, shall I put it on?

Oh, I don't think it would suit you.

You better let me wear it.

Oh, it pinches.

- I think it fits like a glove. - Catcher's glove.

'Yeah, Dorothy.'

Say, would you like to see me dance?

- Oh, you dance? - Oh, I'd be glad to.

Oh, I mean..

Uh, she sings, too.

- Oh, professional? - That's right.

We open next week at the hotel at Honolulu.

Oh, wouldn't it be nice if we could find a fellow for Dorothy.

Poor Dorothy!

Oh, so, Dorothy, hasn't got a fellow, huh?

Poor Dorothy.

Are you coming to the opening Mr. Mason?

Mason? Well, my name is Smith, George Smith.

George Smith? You're not Brooks Mason?

No, I'm just plain George Smith.

Why, I can hardly believe that.

You're the image of Brooks Mason.

Been hearing that ever since he made a hit in pictures.

I'm a constant disappointment to everybody.

Are you sure you're not Brooks Mason?

Oh, quite sure.

Well, then you had a lot of nerve to ask me to dance.

Oh! I think I broke my ukulele.

Soon as we get to Hawaii, I'll take you

and show you my pineapples.

- Excuse me for laughing. - What's so funny about that?

It used to be etchings.

Ah, it's really a beautiful plantation.

Lot's of pineapple.

Pineapple bushes, pineapple trees, pineapple vines

pineapple plants and...pineapples.

In other words, wherever you look, there's pineapples.

No. Wherever I look, there's you.

I didn't realize it

but I guess I've always wanted to meet a girl like you.

That's funny. You know, my mother told me

that someday I'd meet a man like you.

And what did you say?

I said I'd be careful.

That's one for you.

Come on, tell me about Hawaii.

The real Hawaii that you know so well.

Well, it's really so beautiful that I cant describe it.

- Why? - Eh, uh..

This is your first trip to Honolulu, isn't it?

Mm-hmm.

It's the most beautiful place you've ever saw.

- Well, tell me about it. - Eh, tell you about it.

Well..

Well?

"There's sunny days, romantic nights

"where gentle breezes sway the spreading palms

"against the sky of softest blue.

"Uh, the fragrance of the night

"the rhythmic movement of the surf, to excite the senses.

- Go on. - Eh.. Go on.

"Where the stars and moon lean through vast pineapple patches.

An ideal vacation, a romantic honeymoon."

(Dorothy) 'A romantic honeymoon.'

Where "life preservers are under the sea".

- Oh! - What?

Well, where.. Well, where was I?

- You were on a honeymoon. - Ah, were you with me?

No. You left me in the pineapple patch.

Well, my dear, that's Hawaii.

- Uh, shall we dance? - Alright.

No, out here. Anyone can dance in the ballroom.

[ukulele music]

[romantic music]

Oh, Dorothy. Dorothy!

I just got a radiogram from my mother.

- She's fine now. - Oh, I'm so glad.

When we left home, I thought she'd never get over her fright.

We nearly died until the doctor came.

What was the trouble?

Well, she woke up one night and she looked down

and both her feet were black.

When the doctor came, he took off her stockings

and we all went back to bed.

[siren wailing]

Good evening, General Hospital. Yes, Mr. Mason's leaving today.

Mr. Mason's fully recovered. He's leaving today.

What's that?

No, you can't buy the bed he's slept in.

This is a hospital, not a furniture store.

Please don't bring me anymore.

And you better start giving them away.

Yes, Mr. Mason.

Well, glamor pants..

Ooh! Hello, nursey.

- Are you ready? - Yes.

But what about that mob out there?

I thought you said I was leaving secretly.

Don't have a relapse, Brooksie. I've got everything fixed.

Oh, it's no use.

I'll never get through them. We've tried everything.

When you took me in an ambulance, they got wise.

But this time, I've got a great idea.

Leave it to me, I'll get you out this time.

This way, boys.

Right in here. Right there. Atta boy!

Right down, by the bed there. That's it.

What an idea! What an idea!

Put it down there. That's it.

Thank you very much.

♪ A tisket a tasket you're goin' out in a casket ♪♪

Oh, no no. You're not taking me in that box.

- Why not? - That's a crazy idea!

- I'm liable to get killed. - Now, listen, glamor pants.

You heard of people killed in trains, planes and autos.

But did you ever hear of anybody getting killed in a coffin?

Well, I..

Alright then, get in, come on, get in.

We've gotta make a personal appearance.

[knock on door] Hurry! Hurry!

Well, give me a cigarette.

This is a flying time you picked up for a cigarette.

Well, there's the pack. Come on, get in there.

Just a moment, please.

[whispers] Give me a match.

Here's the match. Get in.

Come in.

Will you take it easy, please, and don't drop him.

Brother, we never drop 'em till we get to the hole.

- Look! - Holy smoke!

[people screaming]

It's Brooks Mason, girls. Come on!

[women screaming]

Cecelia! Cecelia, where are you?

Cecelia?

- Oh, where are you, Cecelia? - Ain't this crazy!

Poor glamor pants! His fans finally got him.

[peppy music]

[man singing "This Night Will Be My Souvenir"]

♪ This night was made for dreaming ♪

♪ This night was fashioned for you ♪

♪ This night my arms and hold you ♪

Come on, dwarfy, it's off to work we go.

♪ And I adorn you ♪

♪ This night is filled with music ♪

♪ My heart will always hear ♪

♪ Oh something ♪

♪ Our sweet remembrance ♪

♪ This night will be my souvenir ♪♪

[people applauding]

s[orchestra music]

[harp music]

Oh, maestro, don't go away.

Oh, don't be mad.

Can you imagine that?

That leader is, to say the least, a most peculiar fellow.

[piano music]

He seems to know his instruments from piccolo to chappa.

[cello music]

He plays every composition and he plays in every key.

[flute music]

Can you explain his peculiarity, huh?

Can you?

[harp music]

[singing "The Leader Doesn't Like Music"]

♪ The leader doesn't like music ♪

& Ta ra ra ta ra ra ta ra ra ra ra &

The leader doesn't like music?

♪ Ta ra ra ta ra ra ra ra ra ra ♪

♪ Oh when he was a boy he never could enjoy ♪

♪ The fun that the other fellows had ♪

♪ His father who was very stern ♪

♪ Said it's music you must learn ♪

♪ And that's what really made him mad ♪

Oh!

♪ The leader doesn't like music ♪

& Ta ra ra ra ra ra ta ra ra ra ra ♪

♪ So the people on the floor ♪

♪ Maybe clamoring for more ♪

♪ With his duffle in his hand he will have you understand ♪

♪ That the leader doesn't like music ♪

♪ And the leader doesn't like the band ♪

♪ Would you like to buy my violins ♪

♪ I've some very pretty violins ♪

♪ They're the sweetest little violins ♪

♪ They're the cutest little violins ♪

♪ Won't you buy a violin ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ The leader doesn't like music ♪

♪ Ta ra ra ta ra ra ta ra ra ra ra ♪

Oh, the maestro, he's no like the music.

♪ Ta ra ra ta ra ra ra ra ra ra ♪

(together) Well, what does he like?

As if I didn't know.

[whistles]

♪ Oh the leader doesn't like Opera ♪

♪ Figaro ♪

♪ Figaro ♪

♪ Figaro ♪

♪ Figaro so ♪

♪ If you must then give us Martha ♪

♪ Figaro Figaro ♪

♪ No Figaro ♪

♪ Figaro ♪

♪ Figaro ♪

♪ The leader doesn't like Scotch songs ♪

[singing in foreign language}

♪ Oh the leader doesn't like jazz jazz ♪

♪ Pazzaz and jazz and razzmatazz ♪

- He hates a Bach staccato. - And he hates Bhram sonata.

And a symphony by Hayden makes him swear.

♪ He despises Paganini or an opera by Rossini ♪

♪ And a Strauss waltz makes him tear his hair ♪

♪ Oh the leader hates all kinds of music ♪

♪ Ta ra ra a-ta ra ra ta ra ra ra ra ♪

♪ He doesn't like it sweet ♪

♪ He doesn't like it hot ♪

♪ With with with a stick in his hand ♪

♪ He'll have you understand ♪

♪ That the leader doesn't like music ♪

♪ The maestro doesn't like the band boys ♪

♪ And the band boys don't like the leader ♪

♪ And the leader man doesn't like the band ♪♪

[audience applauding]

And now, ladies and gentlemen..

...Miss Dorothy March

in her impersonation of Bill Robinson

the King of Harlem.

[upbeat music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[audience applauding]

[ukulele music]

[indistinct chattering]

It's wonderful!

The way those kids dove after those pennies!

I ran out of pennies, and threw a five dollar gold piece in

and they never knew the difference.

[speaking in foreign language]

Yes, we'll have some of these.

Sure you don't want me to drop you off?

No thanks, George. Someone from the hotel's meeting me.

Mr. Smith, pardon me, sir.

- Your luggage's right here. - Thank you.

Where is the boy with our bags, Millie?

I didn't give him any. Thought we'd pack 'em tomorrow.

Millie, come on.

Dorothy!

Tonight?

- Hello. - Hello, Wong.

Get the bag, will you?

Well, it's good to be home again.

Yes, sir. It certainly is.

And it's nice to see you again, Wong.

Me know. Me know.

- Something wrong? - No.

Ah, you took good care of the house while I was gone, Wong.

- Everything as I left it. - Yup.

And believe me, Wong.

It's certainly good to be home again.

Me know, me know.

Peace and quiet. That's what I missed.

The peace and quiet of my old home.

Ah, it's good.

Me know, me know.

Hey, what is this "Me Know" business?

Me know you Brooks Mason.

Huh?

- Oh. - I see you in movies.

Yes, I'm Brooks Mason, the actor.

I see you in movies. No actor.

Oh, very funny.

But remember, from now on I'm not Brooks Mason, the actor.

- I'm George Smith. - Me know, me know.

Whatever happens, whoever asks you, I'm George Smith.

Me know, me know.

Sorry, Mr. Grayson. All we have to report

is that George Smith is back. Now, we'd advise you to--

When I want your advice, I'll ask for it. What should I do?

- Issue a warrant. Lock him up. - Absolutely. You're right.

I gave him $50,000 to close a deal.

The deal disappears, the money disappears and he disappears.

'Lock him up. But not now.'

I don't want my daughter to know anything about it. Yet.

'Say, maybe he came back to return the money.'

He couldn't spend that amount of money in so short a time.

Or could he?

- I'd lock him up tonight. - You're absolutely right.

If he don't return that money by morning, he goes to jail.

Good day, gentlemen.

Wong, did you make that reservation for me for tonight?

Wong make reservation for you.

Cocktail for two, ring-side table for two.

Dinner for two, after dinner, you are on your own.

[laughing]

- Who's that? - Mrs. Cece.

Oh, Missy Cece.

Hello, Missy Cece.

(Cecelia) 'Hello, George.'

- Cecelia. - Darling.

Why, George. You've changed.

I don't know what it is exactly, but you're different somehow.

Different? How?

Well, you sort of take hold of things.

Well, you said I needed a new approach.

Approach nothing. You've arrived.

Cecelia, you're different too.

I've never seen you looking more beautiful.

And I've missed you terribly. My mind was full of you.

I kept subconsciously seeing you and hearing you

'and touching you.'

I can't believe it. Can this be you?

The man of a few words and who stumbled over those?

Well, that's Hollywood you know, my dear.

Hollywood, huh?

I'll never forget one night at Joan Crawford's.

Norma Shearer and I---

You met Joan Crawford and Norma Shearer?

Oh yes, Norma and Myrna

Myrna Loy, were with me all the time.

Oh, no wonder you never got time to write to me.

Cecelia, I made up my mind when I left Hawaii

that I would make myself worthy of you.

I was determined to come back to you a different man.

Who thought you how to kiss?

Eh, Mickey Rooney.

Mickey Rooney?

You're not dressed. Aren't you coming over to the house?

I was just going to...to bed.

The trip sorta tired me out--

You can't go to bed. Everybody's waiting for you.

And you ought to meet father. He'll be delighted to see you.

- Yes-- - No buts about it.

Now, you hurry up and get dressed and come on over.

No more rum in that one, Murphy.

Ah, the only cure for that is snakebite.

No, no, no, no, Murphy. I'll serve these myself.

[doorbell ringing]

Never mind, Murphy, I'll do it.

- Good evening. - Good evening.

Here you are, my good man.

Would you mind if I have one of these?

I think I'm gonna need it.

What is that? A Hawaiian Mickey?

You lose your job here you'll starve to death.

- Why-- - Ah-ah-ah.

Clumsy old duck, aren't you?

Say, look here, young fellow.

Well, doesn't George look wonderful, father?

He's turned out to be quiet a practical joker.

Well, what's the matter with father?

Well, he's your father. You oughta know.

Say, Homer, it took you long enough to make that drink.

What did you use? An eye dropper?

Well, here they come. They look mighty handsome together too.

[indiscrete chattering]

- How are you doing? - Hello.

What is this? Something new for the tropics?

Evening clothes to call on the old folks?

Eh, well, just a habit.

A little something he acquired in Hollywood.

Hollywood? Oh, well. We're lucky he came back at all.

Ah, I stayed as long as my money lasted.

(Cecelia) 'And of course you remember the Bradys.'

- Oh, George. - Mrs. Brady.

I haven't seen you in years.

Why, George, we had tea together just before you went away.

Oh, yes. Well, it just seemed like years.

Sit right down here and tell us all about Hollywood.

He can tell you plenty. He hob-knobbed with the biggest.

Shearer, Crawford, Loy.

I rented Greta Garbo's house and got all her telephone calls.

Young man, don't you think you're rather extravagant?

Renting an expensive home like Greta Garbo's?

Well, easy come easy go.

Homer, he's right. You can't take it with you.

Well, he did.

He didn't bring any back, I'll bet.

I'll bet.

Tell me George, did you meet your twin? Brooks Mason.

Oh, yes, we were practically inseparable.

He even let me use one of his cars.

Not the $8000 Dusenberg I've been hearing so much about.

Yes, and I liked it so well, I bought one myself.

Father.

♪ My dog has fleas ♪

♪ My dog has fleas fleas ♪

You see. The dog's alright, but the fleas are outta tune.

♪ My dog has fleas ♪

- Will you stop that? - Oh, please, Dorothy.

Just because your date is late

you don't have to get all nervous.

After all, maybe his car ran off a cliff.

Maybe he hit a truck. Or maybe he ran over a bridge.

Maybe he had an accident. That would delay him.

Sure, and maybe he's sitting up with a sick pineapple.

Well, I guess it was just one of those cruise romances.

I'm not hanging around in this anymore.

[phone ringing]

Hello? It's him.

Well, it's too late. I've retired.

Goodbye, George.

All I can say is that. For the best man alive.

I tried that once.

All I got was a waiter.

Ho hum. So here we are in romantic Hawaii. Ha ha ha.

What's so romantic about it?

Oh, don't let it upset you, Dorothy.

Don't worry, I won't.

There are plenty of other fish in the sea.

Well, that maybe alright for you.

But I'm not the bait I used to be.

If you wanna go out, don't let me stop you.

What and leave you alone? I should say not.

Anyway, I don't think my boyfriend likes me anymore.

Oh, so you found a friend already?

Well, he's not exactly a friend.

I met him in the elevator.

And he said, "Where you going tonight, girlie?"

And I said, "Third floor."

And he said then, "How about doing downstairs for a bite?"

So we went downstairs and I bit him.

[knocking on door]

Who is it?

(George) 'A message for Ms. March.'

Please slip it under the door.

'I can't. It's on my heart.'

Well, you're not gonna leave him out there.

- No, no, no. - Oh, come back here.

Didn't I just see you on the phone?

Oh, Dorothy, I'm terribly sorry to be so late.

- Did I keep you waiting long? - No, we just got into the room.

We still have our date, haven't we?

Well, it's rather late. In fact, I was just going to bed.

How do you like that night gown she's wearing?

Who's side are you on?

Oh, come on, honey. Don't be angry.

I've hired a special moon, just for tonight. Let's go.

Oh, will it be alright to walk out on M-I-L-L-I-E?

Or will she get M-A-D?

Of course, I won't get drunk.

Wait till I get my ukulele and I'll be right with you.

[Hawaiian music]

It's lovely, George.

Which hoola is it?

Oh, it's just a hoola.

Well, what does it mean?

After living here so long

you don't know that the hoola tells a story?

Oh, the story.

Well, that hoola tells the story of..

...two lonely tradewinds.

Long, long ago they blew into the islands.

Two of them? Here?

And lonely.

That is, they were lonely before they met.

And he fell in love with her.

I suppose the tall handsome trade wind

knew was a great love and would last forever and ever.

Naturally.

You see, he'd blown into so many other ports

and he'd known so many other girls..

So many other trade winds. That he knew

in the blink of one of her lashes

that she was the one.

But the little trade wind had an unfortunate habit

of taking everything he said very lightly.

Well, maybe she had to take them lightly.

Maybe she wanted to find out if the tall handsome trade wind

was really real.

Wouldn't just..

...well, just blow about things and then vanish into thin air.

Maybe she wanted him to be real

more than she ever wanted anything in all her life.

Maybe she..

Dorothy, I have something to tell you.

But..

...I don't know how to begin.

Can it wait?

It's about me.

Oh, I know all about you.

You haven't fooled me one bit.

I've had operator 36 looking you up.

And he tells me you're a prince or something

from a little kingdom in the Balkans.

You've come all the way by foot to ask for my hand.

I know.

I was in a show about that once.

No, seriously. I'm afraid it wouldn't work.

In a few weeks you'll go back to the mainland.

You go on with your dancing, your career.

I'll be left here with a memory and a few pineapples.

We'll work it out someway, darling.

But it would be so much better if I were an actor.

Someone in your business.

For example, someone like Robert Taylor

or maybe Brooks Mason.

No, no, I wouldn't care for Brooks Mason.

You wouldn't care for Brooks Mason?

I like George Smith.

He's down to earth and real.

Brooks Mason might be down to earth and real too.

No, men like Mason are self centered and egotistical

No, George. I'll take you.

And we'll give Brooks Mason back to the Indians.

Yoo-hoo!

Just say.. You can't come in.

- Mr. Smith see nobody. - Oh, is that so?

- Hello, George. - Good morning, Gentlemen.

Are you George Smith?

Gotta ask you that, George, legal formality.

Legal formality? Why?

Got a little warrant here for you.

- For me? - I said you, didn't I?

Yes, but..

You mean, you have a warrant for George Smith?

Look, George, let's start all over again.

- Are you George Smith? - Well, I..

- Don't you know? - Surely.

- Well? - But I'm not telling.

Alright then, we'll have to arrest you on suspicion.

Suspicion of what?

- Of being George Smith. - Now, just a minute.

You tell me what the warrant's for

and I'll tell you if I'm George Smith.

Now, isn't that nice.

Listen buddy, we're not trying to sell you this warrant.

We're givin' it away.

What's it for?

For stealing $50,000.

- I'm not George Smith. - He's not George Smith.

No, I'm Brooks Mason.

Cut it out, George.

I've known you as a kid.

You coming peaceably or do I slap the cuffs on you?

Now, just a minute gentlemen.

I can prove my identity.

Wong, come here a minute.

Tell these men who I really am.

He George Smith.

No, no, Wong.

Tell them the truth. You understand?

The real truth.

Me know ever since you was a kid.

You Mr. George Smith.

Let me out of here!

Lower your tone!

- It's a mistake, I tell you. - Your mistake, not mine.

At least let me make a phone call.

- You got a nickel? - I wanna call New York.

My friend, he'll clear me in a minute.

Look, this is a jail.

You get food, that's all.

No phone calls, no horse back rides and no pillow fights.

He's not good!

- He's a thief. - He is not.

I told you that!

George would never do a thing like that.

I know him too.

I also know when a man steals $50,000 from me.

I don't believe it. You never liked him.

You're doing this to keep us from marrying.

Don't you talk to me like that.

I'm older than you.

Then you should know he's innocent.

- He's not! - He is!

If you were in love with him you'd know.

If so, why did he run away?

He didn't run away. I sent him away.

You sent him? Why?

We had a quarrel and I told him

he was a dull, stupid, naive farmer.

So he went to Hollywood.

- To become a man. - To become a man.

Well, nobody's gonna spend my money on movie actresses.

Unless it's me.

Pardon the intrusion, Master George.

There's a young lady here. Shall I tell her you're in.

- Yes, send her in. - Thank you, sir.

Okay, miss. You're certainly making this jail a success.

- Dorothy. - Darling.

- I'm glad to see you. - I called and Wong told me.

- It's not true? - Of course not. It's a mistake.

- Oh, I'm go glad. - Sit down, will you.

If anything further, Master George, just ring.

I'll get it if I have to break the door down to do it.

Now, try to follow me.

George Smith maybe a thief.

He may have stolen the money.

But I am not George Smith.

What?

I'm Brooks Mason.

- Brooks Mason? - Yes.

Look, George, we'll get out of this somehow.

But don't lie to me.

If you didn't take the money you'll be cleared.

Don't involve somebody you don't know

just because you look like him.

Look like him? I am him. I'm Mason.

I tried to tell you last night.

Mason's in New York. You told me that.

I read it in the ships news.

Well, I lied to you about that.

And the paper lied too?

Well, the paper wasn't exactly lying--

Of course, it wasn't. But you are.

Please come clean with me, George.

Whatever you did, I'll stick by you.

- But tell me the truth. - I am telling you the truth.

I don't believe you.

- Oh, listen to me please. - Officer, I'm ready to go now.

- Dorothy, please. - Open this thing, will you?

Dorothy, don't go. Please listen to me.

Let me tell you what happened.

I'm not George Smith, I'm Brooks Mason.

How can you lie like that, George?

Why, I've known you since you were a little kid.

Well, young lady..

...to whom am I indebted for the honor of this visit?

- What? - To whom am I indebted?

You just said that.

Yes, I know.

Whom have I the pleasure of addressing?

Me. Who else is here?

But who are you?

Oh, I'm Millie De Grasse.

De Grasse? De Grasse?

- Those are my two brothers. - Two broth..

What can I do for you?

Well, it's a long story, sit down.

- I am sitting down. - Oh, never mind then.

Mr. Grayson, you're one of the most influential men

on the island, aren't you?

Well, I--

We would like you to sign a petition

to spring an innocent man from the cooler.

Well, if you're sure he's innocent

I'd be the first to sign that petition.

Oh, why I knew you would. I just knew you would.

What's the mans name?

Sign the petition first and we'll fill in the name later.

Oh no, no, no. I should say not.

I must know his name.

Oh, I'm sorry, I can't tell you the man's name.

But George Smith wouldn't steal anything.

What?

You want to release a man that robbed me

of $50,000.

Well, why not? It's a worthy cause.

Worthy cause?

George smith is where he belongs, in jail.

He's an honest man.

Well, young lady, let me tell you something.

He took my money to close a deal with a man called Jones.

Now he can't produce the deal, he can't produce the money

and he can't produce Jones.

Why? Because there is no Jones.

Oh, well, that shows what you know.

There is a Jones.

How do you know?

Because I'm Mrs. Jones.

Are you telling me the truth?

Would I lie to you?

Oh, Mr. Grayson.

You don't know what it's like to live with a crook.

To sleep every night with a gun under your husbands pillow.

You don't know what it's like

to kiss your husband goodbye every morning

and not know whether he'll come home for dinner, dead or alive.

Mr. Grayson, you got the wrong man in Jail.

Mr. Jones is the biggest crook I ever see--

Mr. Jones to see you, sir.

- Mr. Grayson, Clifford Jones. - How do you do?

What's this I hear about putting George Smith in Jail?

I'm afraid you're mistaken.

You can be sued for false arrest.

Well, I know. He had nothing to show for the money.

And you couldn't be found.

Well, of course, I couldn't be found.

After I closed the deal.

I went for a cruise.

I see no reason for all this confusion.

I gave him a receipt.

- You did? - Yes.

I've got the papers here, all signed and sealed.

And another thing, Grayson.

I thought George was handling this deal for you.

You old skin bag.

Well, I just dropped in to clear up this situation.

I'd better be running along. Good bye.

Well, aren't you gonna say hello to Mrs. Jones?

That's what I'm gonna do right now.

She's waiting for me at the hotel.

Good bye.

Would you like to see a card trick, Mr. Grayson?

A card trick?

Oh, well, if you want the truth, I told a lie.

You told a lie.

Oh, well, it doesn't matter now.

I'm so happy for Cecilia.

- Who's Cecilia? - My daughter.

George and she have been engaged for years.

George is gonna marry your daughter.

I'm sure they'll both be very grateful to you

for your interest.

Oh!

- Oh! - Well, what's the matter?

Oh, I wish I was a contortionist.

I'd kick myself all the way home.

[knocking on door]

- Come in. - Darling.

Darling, I'm out.

Yes, I know. Millie told me.

Well, isn't it great?

Yes, she also told me about Cecelia.

That's great too.

- Cecelia? - Yes.

The girl you're going to marry.

I'm not going to marry Cecelia, I only met her last night.

Well, that's time enough for you.

She's engaged to George Smith.

I know, and you're not George Smith.

No, I'm Brooks Mason.

Oh, Brooks Mason.

Then let me be the first to congratulate you

on your engagement to Gale Brewster.

What?

Brooks Mason, the movie star admitted to me personally

that he's going to marry Gale Brewster--

Let me see that.

- That George Smith did that. - Oh, no.

George Smith is engaged to Cecelia.

- He gave out that story. - Now, wait a minute.

If George Smith is engaged to Cecelia

And Brooks Mason is engaged to Gale Booster

couldn't you be Joe Dokes or Simple Simon.

Or maybe Patte Deforga..

I really don't care who you are.

Please don't annoy me anymore.

Oh, Dorothy, please let me explain it to you.

Oh, Dorothy, Dorothy, let me talk with--

It's better you don't talk.

The less you say, the less you take back.

- But I'm Brook-- - You ought to be ashamed.

Everyone in this world is one person and you have to be two.

- And both of them no good. - Now, listen, here--

And chances are you're somebody else, some place else

and engaged to a third girl.

It's..It's trigonometry, that's what it is.

Now, get out of here, you bigamist!

You could have saved me all this.

Why not tell them who I was?

You say no tell, Mr. Smith say no tell.

Wong good servant. Will not tell.

You knew they were taking me to jail.

Owner say me! Wong no tell him.

After hang you, all the same? Wong no tell.

All the same to you. Wong some dumb.

Oh, you speak Chinese?

- Get me long distance. - Mr. Mason, you go home now?

Having enough peace and quiet?

I can't leave. I gotta get Smith here to marry Ms. Cecelia.

That's the only way I can prove

that I'm Brooks Mason.

Hello, operator.

Honolulu, calling Brooks Mason.

Just a moment please. I'll connect you to the floor nurse.

Fifth floor. Mr. Mason? Oh, just a minute.

There's a Honolulu call for Mr. Mason.

- Will you take it? - Honolulu?

Hello?

Who?

Smith?

George Smith?

Now, look here, Mr. Mason can't receive any phone calls.

Joe, Joe, it's Mason.

Listen, Joe, you mutton head.

What?

Yeah, well, that goes for you too.

Dope. I mean him.

No, it's no use.

He wouldn't call me to the phone.

- He never let's me speak. - Was that a notice?

Nobody by the name of George Smith could get me on the phone.

I'm harder to talk to than Napoleon.

Maybe you send telegram.

I never read telegrams.

But Mr. Smith Read telegrams.

Oh, he'll never get it. Joe throw's 'em away.

This if awful. What am I gonna do?

Confucius say, he who step in other men shoes

sometimes get athletes foot.

Oh, never mind the philosophy.

Wong got sensational idea.

- Sensational? - Hollywood work.

Well, what is it?

Mr. Smith, he love Ms. Cecelia.

If Mr. Smith hear you marry Ms. Cecelia, he come home fast.

Very quick.

- I can't contact him.. - Mr. Smith, listen to radio.

Hawaii music from hotel.

You keep party, announce wedding day.

They broadcast from hotel. He come home very quick.

No, that never will..

Why, that's a wonderful idea.

All the same Wong some dum, huh?

All the same, Wong knows his stuff.

[ballroom music]

Ladies and gentlemen, for a first presentation

Ms. Dorothy March is a tribute to the islands.

Will do a native drum dance a hoola and her version

of a native dance, done with taps.

[hoola music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

- You know her? - No.

We met on the boat.

But casually.

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[audience applauding]

Exciting, wasn't she?

I wish you'd look at me like that.

Well, you dance like that and I'll look like that.

[laughing]

Well, come on.

[instrumental music]

Well, glamour pants, I fixed it this time.

I've really got something.

In a few minutes, I'll take you out of here.

Shh!

Mr. Duffy, I don't think it'll work.

There's a big crowd outside.

And besides, the trunk hasn't come yet.

If the trunk doesn't get here, I'll take him

in a briefcase...if I have to make two trips.

We've got to make that personal appearance.

- Quiet. This is Honolulu. - Honolulu?

(man on radio) 'Ladies and gentlemen, I have been requested'

'to announce the forth marriage here in the fiesta room'

'on June twelfth, of that very popular young couple'

'Ms. Cecelia Grayson and Mr. George Smith.'

'Let's ask them to take a bow.'

- Holy mackerel. - What is it? What is it?

Didn't you hear? He's gonna marry her.

Look, I know this confinement is driving you crazy

but what do you care who marries who in Honolulu?

What do I care? I'll kill him.

- I'll mangle him. - Now, Brooksy.

Don't call me Brooksy. I'm not Brooks Mason. I'm Smith.

From Honolulu. And what's more, that's where I'm going.

Right now.

Oh well. He'll be back. He can't get through that crowd.

Turn the bed down again.

[grunting]

- Get me out of this. - Take it easy.

What's the matter with you people?

- Easy boy. - I wanna go home.

Now, quiet. Quiet please.

I'm going to give you a psychological test, Mr. Mason.

Don't call me Mr. Mason. I told you, my name is Smith.

You think you're gonna test me for anything, you're crazy.

Mr. Smith, if you object to being tested

but I'm sure you wont mind answering a few questions.

Now, you simply answer by mentioning a word

which my word brings to your mind.

You needn't bother to think.

Just say the first word that comes into your head

when you hear my word. Ready?

- Home. - Honolulu.

- House. - Honolulu.

- Love. - Honolulu.

- Marriage. - Honolulu.

- Honolulu? - Honolulu.

- Honolulu? - Yeah.

Gosh, we can't get him out of Honolulu.

Just as I thought.

His affliction is quite common to psychiatry.

- You think so? - Oh, yes.

That's what I thought too. Yes.

It is the type of psychosis which is characterized

by the complete loss of contact with environments

and disintegration of personality.

You took the words right out of my mouth, doc.

Another bet, this guy is battier than Mason.

Yes? Yes, I'm persuaded.

To explain it simpler it is a clear case of schizophrenia.

Yeah. Schizophrenia.

Sounds bad and what stage is it, doctor?

You must take him to Honolulu.

Perhaps, there, in the environment he craves

he will regain his normal personality.

Oh, well, it's about time.

We'll take the clipper, Joe.

- I got to be there by the 12. - Hurry, nurse.

Home, home, at last.

[plane droning]

Hello, hello, get me the airport.

If that clipper travels as slow as your mind, I'm sunk.

Hello, any news of the clipper?

What?

Nothing definite yet?

Oh.

What do I care about headwinds?

Don't you realize I'm gonna be married in a few minutes?

Well, thank you very much.

Oh, never mind the congratulations.

Get that ship in.

[knock on the door] Come in!

Well, Mr. Smith.

Your slip is showing.

Oh, never mind that. Tell me about Dorothy.

So, you're gonna go through with it?

You're gonna marry this girl because she has

a big plantation with lovely pineapples.

Well, I think you're terrible, horrible and despicable.

And that's only a hint of what I really think of you.

Millie, tell me please, what did Dorothy say?

Well, how can she talk and cry at the same time?

You, you friend in the grass.

- You're terrible, horrible-- - Terrible, horrible, yeah--

Wait a minute. You hear anything?

Not a thing. Did you hear anything?

No.

Well, if I hear anything I'll let you know.

And I hope you forget to tuck your shirt in.

Oh, Wong, I'm lost, I'm sunk, I'm cooked.

- Wait, Wong got great idea. - What is it?

- You marry Miss Cecelia. - Me?

You marry Miss Cecelia, Mr. Smith get here

he take her on honeymoon, everybody happy.

Oh, that's the most stupid and imbecilic suggestion

I ever heard in my life.

- But I'll have to take it. - I know, you'll like it.

[wedding music]

Dearly, beloved.

We're gathered here to join together this man

and this woman in holy matrimony--

Wait.

Ring. I forgot the ring.

I'll...have to go and get it. I'll be right back.

Come on, Wong. It's the clipper.

- I'm certainly glad I got here. - You're glad?

I almost had to married Cecelia.

- That would have been awful. - What?

I-I mean..

...it would have been awful for you.

She's crazy about you now.

Now?

Well, I mean, uh..

...I know she's crazy about you by the way she kisses me.

George, if you don't come out this minute, I--

'Coming, coming.'

To love and to cherish..

...till death us do apart.

The ring, please.

The ring.

'Well, I..'

The ring.

- 'The ring.' - Yes, the ring.

(Joe) 'Stop! Stop!'

Wait, Brooks, you can't do that.

Please, don't let him do it, folks.

I'll take him out quietly. He's perfectly harmless.

Now, Brooksie old boy, come right--

Go away. Can't you even let me get married in peace?

You need a rest, not marriage.

- How dare you? - Who are you?

I'm his manager, he's not in his right mind.

- Come on, Broo-- - I am in right mind.

There's your man.

[indistinct chattering]

Oh.

George, what is all this?

Oh, Cecelia if I ever try to tell you, now--

Ring, ring.

Ring.

[indistinct chattering]

There, now. He'll be alright. Stand back, everybody.

He'll be alright.

I'm going back to the wedding.

- Get him a glass of water. - Okay.

- What happened? - A man just fainted.

Oh, a man just fainted. A man just fainted.

Get up, get up. Get up, get up, get up.

- What? What happened? - Oh, you missed it.

A man just fainted.

It's probably me.

- Oh, thank you. - I can't get over it.

It's amazing.

Oh, this whole thing is unbelievable.

They look exactly alike.

The same color eyes, the same hair, the same size.

No wonder I was fooled.

- Don't let that bother you. - Boy, was I fooled?

All my brothers look alike.

You can't tell 'em apart.

I've been with him for weeks and didn't know the difference.

- Imagine that. - Oh, my poor brother..

Something terrible happened to my brother.

Imagine two fellows separated that distance..

My brother was held up last night.

...and still looked exactly alike.

- I wouldn't believe it. - Did you hear me?

- By two me, two. - It's, it's..

- My brother. - Two.

- Yeah. - Your brother?

- He was held up? - Yes.

- Where? - All the way home.

Look, Miss I just fainted, you see, I'm--

- He's my brother by marriage. - I'm not well--

You see, my father married my mother and he's their son.

I'm very nervous, you see.

Me the boss..

The manager didn't know my own boss.

Of course, you'd like my family. I've a very nice family.

We all live together.

See, there's my father and my uncle, my brother

my cousin, my nephew sleep in one bed. And then--

- They all sleep in one bed? - Uh-huh.

I'm surprised your grandfather isn't sleeping with them.

My grandfather was sleeping with them but he died

so, they made him get up.

- Well, is your sister alright? - Oh, my poor sister.

My sister's been home two weeks now with a canary.

With a canary?

Canary is hatching an ostrich egg.

A canary is hatching an ostrich egg?

But the canary is too small to cover the egg.

- Well. - Well.

My sister's sitting on the egg

and holding the canary in her lap.

I'm gonna get an aspirin.

Why, I haven't got a headache I feel good.

[instrumental music]

Hey, Joe, where's Millie?

She went down at the boat to meet her sister.

Yoo-hoo, yoo-hoo.

Come on, sis. Yoo-hoo.

- Where? - There they are.

Yoo-hoo.

Did you ever see two people look so much alike?

Oh-ho, don't be silly, Millie.

They don't look any more alike than we do.

[all laughing]

[theme music]

[music continues]