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00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
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00:00:36,903 --> 00:00:40,304
Hello, my name is Eli Pettifog.
I'm 13 years old.
4
00:00:41,975 --> 00:00:44,409
Today is my first day
of college.
5
00:00:55,021 --> 00:00:57,819
What you got in that bag,
Eli? Books?
6
00:00:57,891 --> 00:01:01,054
Don't they have a library
at that place?
7
00:01:02,996 --> 00:01:05,328
She's a terrible mother...
8
00:01:05,398 --> 00:01:08,492
but it's not her fault
that I'm a genius.
9
00:01:11,504 --> 00:01:16,908
" Can you hear me coming
Feel it all around."
10
00:01:16,976 --> 00:01:22,608
" Feet are stomping
On the ground."
11
00:01:22,682 --> 00:01:26,709
" It said something
So familiar."
12
00:01:28,955 --> 00:01:33,051
Please tell me this is a joke.
13
00:01:33,126 --> 00:01:39,429
I wanted to take you,
but I'm just so tired.
14
00:01:43,136 --> 00:01:46,765
Remember the electric bill is the
most important, then the rent.
15
00:01:55,782 --> 00:02:00,776
Eli... make some friends
out there, okay?
16
00:02:11,564 --> 00:02:13,395
- Bye, Mom.
- Later.
17
00:03:33,746 --> 00:03:35,611
Beacon Falls, Whittman College.
18
00:04:12,152 --> 00:04:14,919
I welcome you
to Whittman College...
19
00:04:15,089 --> 00:04:19,185
the 37th best, small, liberal
arts college on the East Coast.
20
00:04:25,565 --> 00:04:28,591
Lots of stuff to know.
21
00:04:28,668 --> 00:04:31,831
How about some exercise
for the lazy student?
22
00:04:31,904 --> 00:04:38,867
Some people go to college because they
graduate from high school, like me.
23
00:04:38,945 --> 00:04:42,039
Others go and they
self-destruct, like this guy.
24
00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:43,946
Chi Gong.
25
00:04:47,086 --> 00:04:50,647
Badminton or squash?
26
00:04:53,326 --> 00:04:55,920
He had a business once.
He used to sell this stuff.
27
00:04:55,995 --> 00:05:01,592
To these people... and then
he bailed on these things.
28
00:05:03,936 --> 00:05:07,929
Put your shuttlecock away.
It's squash.
29
00:05:19,018 --> 00:05:20,645
Here, let me get that for you.
30
00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:23,348
- Give me my bag back.
- I'm Leo Searly, late bloomer.
31
00:05:23,623 --> 00:05:27,081
I'm Eli Pettifog, child prodigy,
please can I have my bag back?
32
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:28,184
You're a freshman?
33
00:05:28,261 --> 00:05:29,193
Unfortunately.
34
00:05:29,262 --> 00:05:30,627
Me, too. What room you in?
35
00:05:30,697 --> 00:05:32,324
212, can I...
36
00:05:32,398 --> 00:05:34,478
Oh, good, it's right here.
I'm right across the hall.
37
00:05:35,935 --> 00:05:41,305
Well, take care,
brush your hair.
38
00:05:41,374 --> 00:05:44,707
I need the oldest undergraduate
in the world as a friend...
39
00:05:44,777 --> 00:05:47,769
like I need a hole in my head.
40
00:05:47,847 --> 00:05:51,305
And I don't need a hole in my head,
if that was what you were wondering.
41
00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:02,158
Hey, want to get a burger?
42
00:06:02,729 --> 00:06:03,957
No.
43
00:06:04,030 --> 00:06:05,861
My treat.
44
00:06:05,932 --> 00:06:07,297
Thanks, but no.
45
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,232
Eli, it's your first day
of college...
46
00:06:09,302 --> 00:06:13,033
you're gonna have plenty of time
to sit alone and hate yourself.
47
00:06:13,106 --> 00:06:15,233
Come on.
48
00:06:37,430 --> 00:06:39,398
Wow, that's good.
49
00:06:39,465 --> 00:06:41,956
That is old-fashioned
American genius.
50
00:06:42,034 --> 00:06:44,093
Have you noticed everything
is genius these days?
51
00:06:44,170 --> 00:06:46,138
How can food be genius?
52
00:06:46,205 --> 00:06:48,332
Try the fries.
53
00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:54,077
That's good, it may be great,
but it's not genius.
54
00:06:55,715 --> 00:06:59,082
Hey, look at that townie girl.
55
00:06:59,152 --> 00:07:02,212
She's checking you out, man.
56
00:07:02,288 --> 00:07:04,085
See you later, Shauna.
57
00:07:04,157 --> 00:07:05,385
See you.
58
00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:11,389
Oh, that was a complete
meltdown of the man nerve.
59
00:07:11,464 --> 00:07:13,329
I'm wearing my hair net.
60
00:07:15,134 --> 00:07:18,467
Safety first. I hear you.
61
00:07:42,028 --> 00:07:44,826
I'm gonna go get us
some more beers.
62
00:07:44,897 --> 00:07:46,922
Nice, I'll just stay here.
63
00:08:00,413 --> 00:08:04,509
I am Leo Searly, late bloomer.
64
00:08:04,784 --> 00:08:07,309
I'm 'Milla, I have not yet
bloomed.
65
00:08:07,386 --> 00:08:09,251
- Really?
- Uh-huh.
66
00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:12,018
You look like you bloomed
to me all right.
67
00:08:15,194 --> 00:08:16,525
Are you Eli Pettifog?
68
00:08:16,796 --> 00:08:18,161
Yeah.
69
00:08:18,231 --> 00:08:22,065
The 13-year-old freshman?
70
00:08:22,134 --> 00:08:27,766
Well, Eli, I want to have your
really, really smart baby.
71
00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:30,126
What makes you think
that nine months in your womb
72
00:08:30,139 --> 00:08:32,436
won't make the baby
really, really stupid?
73
00:08:35,982 --> 00:08:37,074
Excuse me.
74
00:08:43,055 --> 00:08:44,283
Oh, jeez.
75
00:08:53,399 --> 00:08:55,526
You think your sperm is too good
for my girl or something?
76
00:08:55,601 --> 00:08:57,068
No.
77
00:08:57,136 --> 00:08:58,569
Ow, put me down! Put me down!
78
00:08:58,838 --> 00:09:01,534
- Why do you do this shit?
- Because I'm a dick!
79
00:09:01,607 --> 00:09:02,938
Say my sperm is not worthy of
Eve Hanson.
80
00:09:03,009 --> 00:09:05,341
Who's Eve Hanson?
81
00:09:05,411 --> 00:09:06,981
My girlfriend, you know, the
one you were just hitting on?
82
00:09:06,994 --> 00:09:08,574
She's out of your league, pal.
83
00:09:08,848 --> 00:09:10,816
Yeah, I know she's out of my
league. I don't even like girls.
84
00:09:10,883 --> 00:09:12,180
Somebody's fibbing.
85
00:09:12,251 --> 00:09:13,183
Oh, god.
86
00:09:15,454 --> 00:09:17,046
What's it like down there?
87
00:09:17,123 --> 00:09:18,988
Awesome, I've been there
a thousand times.
88
00:09:19,058 --> 00:09:23,256
Yeah, I'll bet you have.
89
00:09:23,329 --> 00:09:25,297
Say my sperm is not worthy of
Eve Hanson.
90
00:09:25,364 --> 00:09:28,094
Hold on, I can't hear you, my
ears are blocked.
91
00:09:29,602 --> 00:09:32,901
Have some Ebola, asshole!
92
00:09:38,110 --> 00:09:41,341
I'm gonna make this the worst
year of your shitty, little life.
93
00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:43,006
So, we're enemies?
94
00:09:43,082 --> 00:09:48,213
Mortal enemies.
Let's drink to it.
95
00:09:54,894 --> 00:09:56,521
Oh, Jesus, ow, stop.
96
00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:59,326
Remember, I bought
the first round.
97
00:10:01,033 --> 00:10:01,533
Yeah.
98
00:10:22,021 --> 00:10:23,010
Oh, my god.
99
00:10:39,271 --> 00:10:41,205
Oh, god.
100
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,607
I don't feel so good.
101
00:10:49,682 --> 00:10:51,980
Really?
102
00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:57,319
Perfect timing.
103
00:11:11,203 --> 00:11:14,138
Thanks.
104
00:11:19,712 --> 00:11:24,547
Something I want to tell you.
105
00:11:24,617 --> 00:11:25,709
What?
106
00:11:25,985 --> 00:11:27,612
Come closer.
107
00:11:35,361 --> 00:11:37,329
You can come closer.
108
00:11:42,635 --> 00:11:44,728
I'm a genius!
109
00:11:47,239 --> 00:11:50,231
I remember my first beer,
too. Yeah.
110
00:11:50,309 --> 00:11:55,576
Ever since I was a little baby, all I
ever wanted to do was go to Harvard.
111
00:11:57,016 --> 00:11:59,610
My spiritual home.
112
00:11:59,685 --> 00:12:05,055
So, without really trying,
I skipped five grades.
113
00:12:05,124 --> 00:12:11,427
Won all the science fairs,
got my MENSA card.
114
00:12:11,497 --> 00:12:14,728
You know what happened?
115
00:12:16,702 --> 00:12:18,567
Harvard rejected me.
116
00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:23,406
They don't want me.
117
00:12:23,476 --> 00:12:26,138
Well, then, screw them.
118
00:12:26,212 --> 00:12:32,208
You don't understand.
It just killed me, you know?
119
00:12:34,787 --> 00:12:38,240
You want to know
the most awful and
120
00:12:38,253 --> 00:12:41,716
humiliating part of the
whole, entire story?
121
00:12:45,364 --> 00:12:46,661
You still love the bitch.
122
00:12:46,732 --> 00:12:49,792
Yeah. How'd you know?
123
00:12:53,839 --> 00:12:59,607
All right, if you're gonna puke again,
close one eye, you'll have better aim.
124
00:12:59,678 --> 00:13:01,373
Don't leave.
125
00:13:01,447 --> 00:13:04,211
If the room starts to spin,
you put one foot on the floor.
126
00:13:04,283 --> 00:13:07,582
Yeah. Leo? Leo?
127
00:13:07,653 --> 00:13:09,518
- Goodnight.
- No, Leo, just...
128
00:13:09,588 --> 00:13:12,113
You're all right. Hang in there.
129
00:13:26,205 --> 00:13:27,672
Never mind.
130
00:13:42,188 --> 00:13:43,450
I'm here for my job.
131
00:13:43,522 --> 00:13:46,389
All right, dear,
check in down the hall.
132
00:14:12,451 --> 00:14:15,386
Shit.
133
00:14:47,820 --> 00:14:49,811
Harvard's coming?
134
00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:52,881
Good evening, and welcome
to Collegiate Mastermind.
135
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:57,554
The varsity sport of the mind.
136
00:14:57,630 --> 00:15:04,331
Tonight's two contestants are
the Whittman Warring Hares...
137
00:15:04,403 --> 00:15:07,861
versus the Harvard Crimson
squad.
138
00:15:11,577 --> 00:15:15,877
First question is a toss-up
worth ten points.
139
00:15:15,948 --> 00:15:21,887
The first question, that should
be the first one on the stack.
140
00:15:21,954 --> 00:15:26,618
Okay, how far
can the Queen Mary 2...
141
00:15:26,692 --> 00:15:30,492
travel on one gallon of...
diesel.
142
00:15:30,562 --> 00:15:31,961
Whittman Warring Hares.
143
00:15:32,231 --> 00:15:35,359
We forfeit.
144
00:15:35,434 --> 00:15:36,594
Incorrect.
145
00:15:36,669 --> 00:15:38,637
No, I mean we forfeit.
146
00:15:38,704 --> 00:15:39,898
You can't forfeit.
147
00:15:39,972 --> 00:15:44,341
We haven't won a match
since 1971.
148
00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:49,205
Oh. Harvard to steal.
149
00:15:49,281 --> 00:15:51,545
Six inches.
150
00:15:52,885 --> 00:15:55,410
Six inches is correct.
151
00:15:55,487 --> 00:15:58,422
Yes!
152
00:16:02,528 --> 00:16:06,521
Caution, Harvard at this
time for showboating.
153
00:16:10,035 --> 00:16:12,697
Man, if I were on the
Whittman team...
154
00:16:12,771 --> 00:16:15,342
my dad would send me into
the woods to find the
155
00:16:15,355 --> 00:16:17,936
perfect piece of birch
to split my ass with.
156
00:16:18,010 --> 00:16:20,570
Hey, there's the little dude.
157
00:16:23,549 --> 00:16:25,574
Thanks for the support, little
dude. What's your name?
158
00:16:25,651 --> 00:16:26,640
Eli.
159
00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:28,687
You the man, Eli.
160
00:16:31,357 --> 00:16:32,381
How old are you?
161
00:16:32,458 --> 00:16:33,618
13.
162
00:16:33,692 --> 00:16:36,593
Uh-oh, he's a genius.
163
00:16:36,662 --> 00:16:39,426
Yeah.
164
00:16:39,498 --> 00:16:41,762
Yeah, you are.
165
00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:48,296
13, walking around Harvard with
hair like that? That's bad ass.
166
00:16:48,374 --> 00:16:51,343
You want a ride back to campus?
167
00:16:51,410 --> 00:16:52,502
To Boston?
168
00:16:52,578 --> 00:16:54,478
Yeah, let's roll.
169
00:16:59,351 --> 00:17:05,620
Yo, Eli, get in...
or we aren't gonna haze you.
170
00:17:05,691 --> 00:17:06,658
I can't.
171
00:17:06,725 --> 00:17:10,422
Why not?
172
00:17:10,496 --> 00:17:13,021
Because I don't go to Harvard.
173
00:17:13,098 --> 00:17:18,627
I'm a freshman here at Whittman...
but my soul belongs to Harvard.
174
00:17:18,704 --> 00:17:25,439
Don't worry about it, the important
thing is we part company like men.
175
00:17:26,945 --> 00:17:29,539
Listen to me, you little freak.
Ow, oh, my god.
176
00:17:29,615 --> 00:17:34,484
Harvard doesn't want your soul. Your
soul is cheap, and it's mediocre.
177
00:17:34,553 --> 00:17:36,316
- Ow, stop.
- It's a Whittman soul.
178
00:18:23,735 --> 00:18:26,376
- But they went on to win that year.
- How does that help us right now?
179
00:18:26,438 --> 00:18:28,497
I'm just saying you should
learn, you know, perseverance.
180
00:18:28,574 --> 00:18:31,941
Alan, if you didn't know the
answer, why did you buzz?
181
00:18:32,010 --> 00:18:33,773
Because...
182
00:18:33,846 --> 00:18:35,766
You can't do that.
If you don't know, don't buzz.
183
00:18:36,014 --> 00:18:37,140
Hey.
184
00:18:38,851 --> 00:18:42,082
My name is Eli Pettifog.
185
00:18:44,089 --> 00:18:51,552
This is Leo Searly's last chance
at a classy future.
186
00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:57,865
He's not afraid to gamble it all
on a hole and a ball.
187
00:18:59,004 --> 00:19:02,906
Hits the putt.
188
00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:07,071
Oh, it's on the lip. No, no, no,
it's rolling in. It's rolling in.
189
00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:08,738
Oh, yes!
190
00:19:08,814 --> 00:19:13,945
- Leo Searly takes home $100 million...
- Hey.
191
00:19:14,019 --> 00:19:15,486
Hey, how are you?
192
00:19:15,554 --> 00:19:16,816
Can I tell you something
super important?
193
00:19:16,889 --> 00:19:18,550
Okay. As long as it's not
teenage stuff.
194
00:19:18,624 --> 00:19:19,989
Don't worry. This is as grown up
as it gets.
195
00:19:20,058 --> 00:19:22,117
All right.
196
00:19:22,194 --> 00:19:25,857
First, I now hate Harvard with the
fanatical rage of a freedom fighter.
197
00:19:25,931 --> 00:19:28,559
That sounds pretty teenage to
me.
198
00:19:28,634 --> 00:19:31,000
And I've sworn my life
to its destruction.
199
00:19:31,069 --> 00:19:33,003
The entire university?
200
00:19:33,071 --> 00:19:36,165
No, just the college, I'm only
one man.
201
00:19:36,241 --> 00:19:38,880
Second, I'm now the new
captain of the Whittman
202
00:19:38,893 --> 00:19:41,543
Warring Hares Collegiate
Mastermind Team.
203
00:19:41,613 --> 00:19:46,209
Oh, I loved that game as a kid.
That's the one with the pegs.
204
00:19:46,485 --> 00:19:48,805
Like the little colored pegs,
then you get a combination...
205
00:19:48,820 --> 00:19:51,983
No, it's a quiz show in which
two colleges compete...
206
00:19:52,057 --> 00:19:55,220
to see which one is smart
and which one is dumb.
207
00:19:55,494 --> 00:19:57,894
It's like the show Jeopardy,
with no money.
208
00:19:57,963 --> 00:19:59,658
No money?
209
00:19:59,731 --> 00:20:04,031
Forget the money, Leo. I found
the instrument of my revenge.
210
00:20:16,148 --> 00:20:18,616
What makes him think he
can walk in here and say...
211
00:20:18,684 --> 00:20:20,485
"I'm Eli Pettifog
and I'm your new captain?"
212
00:20:20,552 --> 00:20:24,648
Because none of us walked in
and said I'm your new captain.
213
00:20:24,723 --> 00:20:28,489
The first four digits of pi
are 3.141.
214
00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:30,619
What is the
billionth digit of pi?
215
00:20:32,030 --> 00:20:33,190
Nine.
216
00:20:33,265 --> 00:20:34,562
Right you are.
217
00:20:34,633 --> 00:20:35,600
Dude.
218
00:20:39,004 --> 00:20:40,767
Here's your bonus.
219
00:20:40,839 --> 00:20:42,864
Assuming Rudolph was in front...
220
00:20:42,941 --> 00:20:46,707
how many ways are there to arrange
the other eight reindeer?
221
00:20:46,778 --> 00:20:49,576
40,320.
222
00:20:49,648 --> 00:20:51,673
Right you are.
You're fast, kid.
223
00:20:52,918 --> 00:20:54,510
- Dude!
- Captain.
224
00:20:54,586 --> 00:20:58,852
Shit, dude,
viral pandemic sick! Or not.
225
00:21:19,945 --> 00:21:22,277
Ssh, I'm trying to study.
226
00:21:39,031 --> 00:21:41,056
You should have a package
for Eli Pettifog.
227
00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:46,765
Pettifog, okay.
P-E-T-T-I-F-O-G?
228
00:21:46,838 --> 00:21:47,862
Yeah.
229
00:21:47,939 --> 00:21:51,306
Weird name. What's it mean?
230
00:21:51,376 --> 00:21:56,712
Okay, here we go. Pettifog means
you bicker over everything.
231
00:21:56,782 --> 00:21:59,114
That's ridiculous.
232
00:21:59,184 --> 00:22:04,952
Second definition, to practice
deception or trickery.
233
00:22:05,023 --> 00:22:07,651
Do you have a package
for me or not?
234
00:22:07,726 --> 00:22:12,720
There's no package for you, Pettifog.
No lying or complaining.
235
00:22:12,798 --> 00:22:13,765
Okay.
236
00:22:16,001 --> 00:22:17,798
Hey. Can I use your phone?
237
00:22:17,869 --> 00:22:20,064
Yeah, sure.
238
00:22:29,247 --> 00:22:30,612
It's private.
239
00:22:30,682 --> 00:22:32,775
I understand.
240
00:22:37,055 --> 00:22:39,978
Hey, if you want to
party, leave a message.
241
00:22:39,991 --> 00:22:42,925
All right, whatever.
242
00:22:42,994 --> 00:22:48,660
Hey, Mom, I'm calling to remind
you you forgot my birthday again.
243
00:22:51,136 --> 00:22:52,125
It's your birthday?
244
00:22:52,204 --> 00:22:54,638
Yeah. Big 1-4.
245
00:22:54,706 --> 00:22:55,250
Hang on.
246
00:23:04,449 --> 00:23:05,939
Faster.
247
00:23:06,017 --> 00:23:08,679
Okay.
248
00:23:08,754 --> 00:23:09,914
Whoo!
249
00:23:09,988 --> 00:23:11,182
Faster.
250
00:23:12,124 --> 00:23:13,751
Faster?
251
00:23:13,825 --> 00:23:16,919
Yeah!
252
00:23:18,029 --> 00:23:19,792
Whoo!
253
00:23:19,865 --> 00:23:21,799
Faster.
254
00:23:21,867 --> 00:23:23,129
Whoo!
255
00:23:29,374 --> 00:23:31,865
Thanks, Leo,
that was really fun.
256
00:23:31,943 --> 00:23:34,969
Well, happy birthday, Eli.
257
00:23:37,149 --> 00:23:38,946
- Leo!
- Yo!
258
00:23:39,017 --> 00:23:41,713
Faster!
259
00:24:02,908 --> 00:24:04,307
What's wrong with this thing?
260
00:24:04,376 --> 00:24:08,005
Hey, fuzzy, that's my
favorite machine.
261
00:24:08,814 --> 00:24:10,975
Hi.
262
00:24:11,049 --> 00:24:12,141
Happy birthday.
263
00:24:12,217 --> 00:24:13,479
Thanks.
264
00:24:13,752 --> 00:24:15,276
I wish I could go to Whittman.
265
00:24:15,353 --> 00:24:18,186
There's no Mall Studies
major at Whittman.
266
00:24:18,256 --> 00:24:23,888
I'm not a mall girl. I only shop
at the most exclusive boutiques.
267
00:24:23,962 --> 00:24:24,986
Mm-hm.
268
00:24:27,766 --> 00:24:29,199
You want to shotgun?
269
00:24:29,267 --> 00:24:31,497
What's a shotgun?
270
00:24:31,770 --> 00:24:36,332
Let me show you. Okay.
271
00:24:43,949 --> 00:24:47,385
I know you have a thing for me.
272
00:24:47,452 --> 00:24:51,183
What are you gonna do about it?
273
00:24:51,256 --> 00:24:52,848
What are you talking about?
274
00:24:52,924 --> 00:24:57,293
I see you checking out
my boyish curves.
275
00:24:57,362 --> 00:25:00,525
Come, lay down with me.
276
00:25:09,074 --> 00:25:11,167
You want to know a secret?
277
00:25:11,243 --> 00:25:13,143
Okay.
278
00:25:13,211 --> 00:25:15,907
I never kissed anyone.
279
00:25:17,582 --> 00:25:21,018
So what? Neither have I.
280
00:25:21,086 --> 00:25:25,921
I'm worried I might suck at it.
281
00:25:25,991 --> 00:25:29,518
How hard can it be?
282
00:25:29,594 --> 00:25:32,427
Kissing is too important
to be easy.
283
00:25:42,140 --> 00:25:43,198
Not my lip.
284
00:25:43,275 --> 00:25:44,936
Well, stop squirming.
285
00:25:45,010 --> 00:25:49,208
Are you supposed to be drooling
directly into my mouth?
286
00:25:57,856 --> 00:26:02,054
Toss up. Which states, in order
of entry into the union...
287
00:26:02,127 --> 00:26:07,258
is Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen
not from?
288
00:26:08,300 --> 00:26:09,927
Whittman?
289
00:26:10,001 --> 00:26:14,370
Delaware, Pennsylvania, Georgia,
Connecticut...
290
00:26:14,439 --> 00:26:20,139
Massachusetts, Maryland, South Carolina,
New Hampshire, Virginia, New York...
291
00:26:20,211 --> 00:26:25,148
North Carolina, Rhode Island,
Vermont, Kentucky, uh...
292
00:26:25,216 --> 00:26:27,150
Keep going.
293
00:26:27,218 --> 00:26:32,952
Not Tennessee, Ohio, Louisiana,
Indiana, Mississippi, Illinois...
294
00:26:33,024 --> 00:26:39,930
Alabama, Maine, Missouri, Arkansas,
Michigan, Florida, Texas, Iowa...
295
00:26:39,998 --> 00:26:43,195
Wisconsin, California,
Minnesota...
296
00:26:43,268 --> 00:26:45,202
15 seconds.
297
00:26:45,270 --> 00:26:49,468
Um, not Oregon, Kansas,
West Virginia, Nevada...
298
00:26:49,541 --> 00:26:52,169
Nebraska, Colorado, North
Dakota, South Dakota.
299
00:26:52,243 --> 00:26:53,574
Do it, weirdo!
300
00:26:53,645 --> 00:26:56,409
Yeah, do it.
301
00:26:56,481 --> 00:27:02,943
Montana, Washington, Idaho, Wyoming, Utah,
New Mexico, Arizona, Alaska, nor Hawaii.
302
00:27:04,990 --> 00:27:06,389
By god, he's done it.
303
00:27:09,260 --> 00:27:13,924
Nice. Very nice.
304
00:27:13,999 --> 00:27:19,335
In-frigging-conceivable.
Frigging magnificent.
305
00:27:19,404 --> 00:27:22,896
Frigging, frigging. I want
a piece of your action.
306
00:27:22,974 --> 00:27:24,168
You can't have any of my action.
307
00:27:24,242 --> 00:27:26,267
Do you even know what your
action is?
308
00:27:26,344 --> 00:27:28,471
You're the one who started
talking about my action.
309
00:27:28,546 --> 00:27:34,610
Your action is blowing people away with
your genius, and your bizarre charisma.
310
00:27:34,686 --> 00:27:39,089
You're a college star
in the making.
311
00:27:39,157 --> 00:27:43,184
My quest is private, Leo,
it's not for other people.
312
00:27:44,996 --> 00:27:47,931
Do you think
I should start a blog?
313
00:28:40,385 --> 00:28:41,977
Whoa.
314
00:28:45,423 --> 00:28:46,447
Nice try, Leo.
315
00:28:46,524 --> 00:28:47,718
Mm?
316
00:28:47,792 --> 00:28:50,317
This jacket
is from sweatshop city.
317
00:28:50,395 --> 00:28:54,092
What are you talking about? It was
stitched in Beacon Falls, USA.
318
00:28:54,165 --> 00:28:56,133
Makes me look like I have
old-man shoulders.
319
00:28:56,201 --> 00:28:58,567
Man shoulders are a perk.
320
00:28:58,636 --> 00:29:03,471
Oh. Then how come
the waist is so tight?
321
00:29:03,541 --> 00:29:07,295
What are you talking about?
It's form-fitting.
322
00:29:07,308 --> 00:29:11,073
Flatters the silhouette.
323
00:29:11,149 --> 00:29:15,142
Oh. Well, what about
the collar?
324
00:29:15,220 --> 00:29:18,121
The jacket's perfect, Eli.
325
00:29:18,189 --> 00:29:19,781
You promise?
326
00:29:20,058 --> 00:29:21,218
Yeah.
327
00:29:23,528 --> 00:29:25,291
Must be why I love it so much.
328
00:29:49,254 --> 00:29:51,484
Excuse me, hello, thank you very much.
I hope you all enjoy your lunch.
329
00:29:51,556 --> 00:29:55,492
Today we're offering
$1,000 to anyone...
330
00:29:55,560 --> 00:30:00,657
who can stump the Whittman Warring
Hares Collegiate Mastermind squad.
331
00:30:00,732 --> 00:30:02,290
Perky girl.
332
00:30:02,367 --> 00:30:05,564
Okay, why does he have pubic
hair on his head?
333
00:30:05,637 --> 00:30:09,095
Not the sort of question
we're looking for. Next!
334
00:30:09,174 --> 00:30:11,142
But the people want to know.
Don't you want to know?
335
00:30:11,209 --> 00:30:13,507
Yeah.
336
00:30:13,578 --> 00:30:17,810
Okay, the people want to know, why does
your hair look like "down there" hair?
337
00:30:17,882 --> 00:30:20,180
That's a great question.
338
00:30:20,251 --> 00:30:23,652
My hair resembles pubic hair, because
it is designed to protect my brain.
339
00:30:23,721 --> 00:30:26,212
Protect your brain from what?
340
00:30:26,291 --> 00:30:27,815
From stupidity.
341
00:30:30,395 --> 00:30:31,794
You calling me stupid?
342
00:30:31,863 --> 00:30:34,855
- Mm, mm-mm.
- They're calling you stupid.
343
00:30:35,133 --> 00:30:36,327
What about you?
344
00:30:36,401 --> 00:30:38,301
I'm calling you stupid, too.
345
00:30:38,369 --> 00:30:40,132
Ouch.
346
00:30:40,205 --> 00:30:45,199
Yeah? Who will be stupid when
I'm eating your brain, Pettifog?
347
00:30:45,276 --> 00:30:48,404
Grilled... with sea salt.
348
00:30:50,415 --> 00:30:51,746
You're gonna grill my brain?
349
00:30:51,816 --> 00:30:53,408
He's gonna grill your brain.
350
00:30:58,790 --> 00:31:02,817
Caveman, you can't
even start a fire.
351
00:31:04,596 --> 00:31:05,756
I'll rub your bones together.
352
00:31:05,830 --> 00:31:07,388
Name one bone.
353
00:31:07,465 --> 00:31:08,659
Your skull bone!
354
00:31:08,733 --> 00:31:10,792
All right, kids, come on,
calm down.
355
00:31:10,869 --> 00:31:13,804
Thank you very much. Don't forget
to come and see the Warring Hares.
356
00:31:13,872 --> 00:31:15,872
- I could take him. Put me down.
- Bus your tables.
357
00:31:21,412 --> 00:31:24,292
I want to thank you for benching me.
I never felt so confident in my life.
358
00:31:24,315 --> 00:31:29,218
Hey, what are friends for?
359
00:31:29,287 --> 00:31:30,879
Hey, sexy genius.
360
00:31:30,955 --> 00:31:32,786
Hey, sexy lady, what's up?
361
00:31:32,857 --> 00:31:36,190
- She's not talking to you.
- What are you talking about?
362
00:31:36,261 --> 00:31:42,791
Hey, you teach me, I'll teach you. A little
quid pro blow, as they say in modern Latin.
363
00:31:47,305 --> 00:31:51,264
See you at Vassar. Bye, boys.
364
00:31:51,342 --> 00:31:52,866
It's quid pro quo.
365
00:31:52,944 --> 00:31:55,344
In Collegiate Mastermind,
it might be quid pro quo...
366
00:31:55,413 --> 00:31:59,281
but in the game of life, her
interpretation is right on the sticky bun.
367
00:31:59,350 --> 00:32:01,841
You're so cool, I think
I'm gonna call you the fog.
368
00:32:01,920 --> 00:32:04,218
Please, don't call me the fog.
That makes me sound dense.
369
00:32:04,289 --> 00:32:05,620
Sorry.
370
00:32:05,690 --> 00:32:06,816
Hey, baby.
371
00:32:06,891 --> 00:32:08,324
Hi, Gertrude.
372
00:32:08,393 --> 00:32:10,361
- Hi, ladies. Where's Leo?
- Hey, Gertrude.
373
00:32:11,596 --> 00:32:13,655
Ha-ha, looks like
we got a ride.
374
00:32:13,731 --> 00:32:16,894
- Nice.
- Yes, the van.
375
00:32:16,968 --> 00:32:19,402
- So sweet.
- Oh, my god, this is awesome.
376
00:32:19,470 --> 00:32:21,495
Neat, so cool. Fluffy and soft.
377
00:32:21,572 --> 00:32:23,267
- Do you have a bed in this thing?
- I like this car.
378
00:32:23,341 --> 00:32:26,538
Nice, isn't it? Feels kind
of like a land couch.
379
00:32:26,611 --> 00:32:28,841
Hey, Leo, guess what?
Eli has a groupie.
380
00:32:28,913 --> 00:32:30,608
Shut up, Romeo. Jesus.
381
00:32:30,682 --> 00:32:32,309
- What's her name?
- Eve Hanson, she's a senior.
382
00:32:32,383 --> 00:32:33,907
She cute?
383
00:32:33,985 --> 00:32:36,613
She looks like Gertrude, if you
gave her blonde hair and money.
384
00:32:36,688 --> 00:32:42,217
Romeo, the only groupie you're
ever gonna have is your hand.
385
00:32:43,661 --> 00:32:44,685
That really hurt.
386
00:32:44,762 --> 00:32:45,694
Good.
387
00:32:45,763 --> 00:32:46,787
Buckle up, kids!
388
00:32:58,443 --> 00:33:01,241
Rhinotillexomania is compulsive
nose picking.
389
00:33:01,312 --> 00:33:03,371
Gynecomastia means man boobs.
390
00:33:03,448 --> 00:33:05,416
The naked mole rat
is immune to cancer.
391
00:33:05,483 --> 00:33:07,007
Whittman College has won the
match.
392
00:33:10,655 --> 00:33:14,887
And for the match, what syndrome does
pop star Lily Allen have? Whittman.
393
00:33:14,959 --> 00:33:18,725
The super numerary nipple
syndrome, the triple nipple.
394
00:33:18,796 --> 00:33:19,785
Correct!
395
00:33:22,567 --> 00:33:25,434
Abalone is not a mollusk,
but a large marine snail.
396
00:33:25,503 --> 00:33:27,344
That's correct. Match goes
to Whittman College.
397
00:33:29,774 --> 00:33:33,039
The aquatic scrotum resides
primarily in Lake Titicaca.
398
00:33:33,311 --> 00:33:34,539
Whittman wins!
399
00:33:34,612 --> 00:33:35,738
Yes!
400
00:33:38,449 --> 00:33:40,349
Out of beer!
401
00:33:41,719 --> 00:33:44,313
Warriors!
402
00:33:57,068 --> 00:33:59,059
Safety first, safety first.
403
00:34:49,554 --> 00:34:50,714
Oh, my god!
404
00:34:50,788 --> 00:34:51,880
Hi.
405
00:34:51,956 --> 00:34:53,480
Can you please stay away from me?
406
00:34:55,426 --> 00:34:58,452
Don't worry, Laird never
comes to the library.
407
00:34:58,529 --> 00:35:00,087
I find you fascinating.
408
00:35:00,164 --> 00:35:01,893
No, you don't.
409
00:35:01,966 --> 00:35:04,457
And dangerous.
410
00:35:06,704 --> 00:35:08,569
I'm very safe.
411
00:35:10,108 --> 00:35:11,575
Do I scare you?
412
00:35:11,642 --> 00:35:14,668
Yes, very much.
413
00:35:14,745 --> 00:35:21,514
Well, just try to look past my breasts and
everything else, and see the real me.
414
00:35:21,586 --> 00:35:25,989
Look past your breasts?
I can't even look at them.
415
00:35:26,057 --> 00:35:30,721
Just... right... do you need...
416
00:35:30,795 --> 00:35:31,876
I'm not gonna look at them.
417
00:35:36,033 --> 00:35:38,001
Don't worry, Romeo,
we can beat Yale.
418
00:35:38,069 --> 00:35:39,764
It's not that.
419
00:35:39,837 --> 00:35:41,395
Well, what is it?
420
00:35:41,472 --> 00:35:43,406
My brother goes to Yale.
421
00:35:43,474 --> 00:35:45,032
Oh, really, that's a bummer.
422
00:35:45,109 --> 00:35:48,010
It's only because he is a
non-threatening Puerto Rican.
423
00:35:48,079 --> 00:35:52,106
I did not get into Yale, because my mighty
mas macho terrifies the white man...
424
00:35:52,183 --> 00:35:54,447
until his balls are like
raisins.
425
00:35:54,519 --> 00:35:57,647
But it still hurts, you know?
426
00:35:57,722 --> 00:35:59,747
Every night it still hurts.
427
00:35:59,824 --> 00:36:05,126
So you have a smarter brother?
Is he better looking, too?
428
00:36:05,196 --> 00:36:08,165
Yeah, but only a little bit.
429
00:36:10,902 --> 00:36:18,832
Eli, can you dedicate this one to Romeo?
He's really hurting back here.
430
00:36:18,910 --> 00:36:22,107
Sure. This one's for you,
big guy.
431
00:36:30,087 --> 00:36:35,616
Good evening, and welcome
to the Yale Bulldogs...
432
00:36:35,693 --> 00:36:39,789
versus the
Whittman Warring Hares.
433
00:36:39,864 --> 00:36:42,833
First question is a toss up
for ten points.
434
00:36:42,900 --> 00:36:46,802
How many names are listed
on the Vietnam War Memorial?
435
00:36:46,871 --> 00:36:48,930
58,652.
436
00:36:49,006 --> 00:36:51,736
Wrong, Whittman for the steal?
437
00:36:51,809 --> 00:36:54,141
58,256.
438
00:36:54,212 --> 00:36:58,080
That is oh, so right.
Bonus to Whittman.
439
00:36:58,149 --> 00:37:02,882
The memorial is built from black granite.
Where does this granite come from?
440
00:37:02,954 --> 00:37:04,182
Bangalore, India.
441
00:37:04,255 --> 00:37:07,713
Right again. Toss up.
442
00:37:07,792 --> 00:37:11,592
Who invented the
roulette wheel and why?
443
00:37:11,662 --> 00:37:13,857
French philosopher and mathematician...
444
00:37:13,931 --> 00:37:17,264
Blaise Pascal invented roulette
for perpetual motion experiments.
445
00:37:17,535 --> 00:37:21,027
That is oh, so right.
Bonus to Yale.
446
00:37:21,105 --> 00:37:25,667
Why is roulette called the
Devil's Game?
447
00:37:25,743 --> 00:37:28,507
Because all the numbers
on the wheel add up to 666.
448
00:37:28,579 --> 00:37:29,546
Correct.
449
00:37:31,282 --> 00:37:32,749
- Huddle up.
- What?
450
00:37:32,817 --> 00:37:34,785
- I'm not kidding.
- What's up?
451
00:37:34,852 --> 00:37:36,979
Some girls know about roulette,
other girls know about the devil...
452
00:37:37,054 --> 00:37:38,646
but no girl knows about both.
453
00:37:38,723 --> 00:37:41,556
Especially not girls like that.
She's cheating.
454
00:37:41,626 --> 00:37:43,253
How do you know?
455
00:37:43,327 --> 00:37:45,921
Check out the receiver,
it's hidden, it's right there.
456
00:37:45,997 --> 00:37:48,124
Yeah, I see it. Somebody's
feeding her the answers.
457
00:37:48,199 --> 00:37:50,633
I bet she cheated
to get into Yale, too.
458
00:37:50,701 --> 00:37:53,534
I bet she took your spot.
459
00:37:53,604 --> 00:37:55,936
Whittman, break your huddle.
460
00:37:56,007 --> 00:37:58,145
All right, guys, here's your choice.
461
00:37:58,158 --> 00:38:00,307
We can beat them fair and square.
I promise we can.
462
00:38:00,578 --> 00:38:03,615
Or, we could put an eternal
stain on their lives.
463
00:38:03,628 --> 00:38:06,676
It's your call. Yale's
your white whale.
464
00:38:06,751 --> 00:38:08,582
Eternal stain.
465
00:38:08,653 --> 00:38:09,847
All right, just be cool.
466
00:38:09,920 --> 00:38:10,909
I can't be cool.
467
00:38:10,988 --> 00:38:13,115
Oh, god.
468
00:38:14,759 --> 00:38:16,954
My earring.
469
00:38:21,599 --> 00:38:23,624
Whoo!
470
00:38:23,701 --> 00:38:25,134
Daniel, my brother, Turran.
471
00:38:27,838 --> 00:38:34,835
My country tis of thee, sweet
land of liberty.
472
00:38:47,625 --> 00:38:50,617
I know you saw that sign.
473
00:38:50,695 --> 00:38:53,630
Yeah, I saw it.
474
00:39:42,813 --> 00:39:47,409
Here we are at Harvard...
smartest place on Earth.
475
00:39:51,455 --> 00:39:53,923
This is the freshman dorm,
Adams house.
476
00:39:53,991 --> 00:39:56,926
Some of the rooms have
fireplaces.
477
00:39:56,994 --> 00:39:58,962
Get over it.
478
00:40:03,300 --> 00:40:04,892
What are you doing?
479
00:40:04,969 --> 00:40:08,700
What does it look like
I'm doing?
480
00:40:44,208 --> 00:40:47,871
What's the high score
in this machine?
481
00:40:47,945 --> 00:40:52,439
I'm wearing watermelon
lip gloss.
482
00:40:58,956 --> 00:41:00,753
The flavor is disappearing,
can you put on some more?
483
00:41:00,825 --> 00:41:02,224
I have cherry, too.
484
00:41:02,293 --> 00:41:05,285
No, this is the one.
This is definitely the one.
485
00:41:15,005 --> 00:41:16,768
You're a really good kisser, Eli.
486
00:41:16,841 --> 00:41:18,866
Thanks.
487
00:41:18,943 --> 00:41:24,108
We can't do this all day...
unless it leads somewhere else.
488
00:41:24,181 --> 00:41:25,773
Like where?
489
00:41:25,850 --> 00:41:28,318
Like my neck.
490
00:41:28,385 --> 00:41:30,012
What about your neck?
491
00:41:30,087 --> 00:41:31,952
Kiss it.
492
00:41:32,022 --> 00:41:33,887
Okay.
493
00:41:42,933 --> 00:41:44,924
That feels so good.
494
00:41:46,837 --> 00:41:48,998
Now the other side.
495
00:41:49,073 --> 00:41:50,335
You mean... okay.
496
00:42:04,088 --> 00:42:05,817
Eli.
497
00:42:05,890 --> 00:42:07,551
Yeah?
498
00:42:07,825 --> 00:42:09,156
Do you have a roommate?
499
00:42:09,226 --> 00:42:11,456
No.
500
00:42:11,529 --> 00:42:13,463
You should invite me over.
501
00:42:13,531 --> 00:42:20,061
You know, me being on campus might
make me into a crazy woman.
502
00:42:26,243 --> 00:42:28,683
Did you know that every
time you recall a memory,
503
00:42:28,696 --> 00:42:31,146
you're making the whole
thing up from scratch?
504
00:42:31,215 --> 00:42:34,343
That's ridiculous, my memories
are exactly the same every time.
505
00:42:34,418 --> 00:42:39,355
Oh, okay. What was
I wearing when we met?
506
00:42:39,423 --> 00:42:40,947
Nothing.
507
00:42:41,025 --> 00:42:42,959
Come on, I'm trying
to do science here.
508
00:42:43,027 --> 00:42:46,485
Don't you need test tubes
or something like that?
509
00:42:46,564 --> 00:42:50,864
What color lipstick did your
wife wear at your wedding? Hm?
510
00:42:50,935 --> 00:42:52,493
How did you know
that I was married?
511
00:42:52,570 --> 00:42:57,007
It's written all over you.
Divorced guy goes to college.
512
00:42:57,074 --> 00:42:59,565
Not a good look, is it?
513
00:42:59,643 --> 00:43:01,838
It's not a look, it's a life.
514
00:43:01,912 --> 00:43:04,005
Hey, you want to go back to my
room?
515
00:43:04,081 --> 00:43:07,346
Sure, I still have 20 more pages
before we have a sex break.
516
00:43:07,418 --> 00:43:12,287
Okay, fine, no highlighting, no looking
stuff up, no dog-earing pages.
517
00:43:12,356 --> 00:43:13,323
Deal.
518
00:43:13,390 --> 00:43:14,379
Deal.
519
00:43:16,160 --> 00:43:17,957
- Divorce is sexy.
- Really?
520
00:43:18,028 --> 00:43:20,519
Yeah, as long as you don't have
any brats running around you.
521
00:43:20,598 --> 00:43:22,930
Uh-huh.
522
00:43:23,000 --> 00:43:28,097
Yo, Laird wants a truce, he's
all fruity for you or something.
523
00:43:28,172 --> 00:43:32,871
Atruce, huh?
Okay, take this, you need it.
524
00:43:34,078 --> 00:43:35,067
Laird.
525
00:43:35,145 --> 00:43:39,172
Pettifog.
526
00:43:42,453 --> 00:43:43,933
Tell me we're going
to beat Princeton.
527
00:43:43,954 --> 00:43:45,251
We're gonna beat Princeton.
528
00:43:45,322 --> 00:43:47,051
Tell me we're going
to the Final Four.
529
00:43:47,124 --> 00:43:48,955
Final Four?
We're going all the way.
530
00:43:49,026 --> 00:43:51,620
Did you just promise me
a national championship?
531
00:43:51,695 --> 00:43:54,323
I'm guaranteeing it.
532
00:43:54,398 --> 00:43:56,559
I believe you, Eli.
533
00:43:56,634 --> 00:44:00,661
I believe that you can restore glory to
Whittman athletics and make us whole again.
534
00:44:00,938 --> 00:44:02,428
Yeah, I promise I will.
535
00:44:02,506 --> 00:44:08,035
But if you fail, I will make
you retarded with my fist.
536
00:44:08,112 --> 00:44:09,943
Okay.
537
00:44:29,700 --> 00:44:33,466
I'm gonna make this the worst
year of your shitty, little life.
538
00:44:33,537 --> 00:44:38,600
But if you fail, I will make you
retarded with my fist.
539
00:44:41,078 --> 00:44:47,017
We're not dumb! We're not dumb!
We're not dumb!
540
00:44:47,084 --> 00:44:48,346
We're not dumb! We're not dumb!
541
00:44:48,419 --> 00:44:51,582
Hey, I'm Eli Pettifog,
ask me anything.
542
00:44:55,392 --> 00:44:57,724
Yo, this is total commitment.
543
00:44:57,995 --> 00:44:59,326
What are you talking about?
544
00:44:59,396 --> 00:45:02,092
Pettifog, he means it.
545
00:45:02,166 --> 00:45:03,690
Let me see that.
546
00:45:08,138 --> 00:45:11,972
Oh, please, that's Kiss,
we're the Beatles.
547
00:45:13,610 --> 00:45:14,110
Tigers!
548
00:45:18,048 --> 00:45:21,245
We're not dumb! We're not dumb!
We're not dumb!
549
00:45:21,318 --> 00:45:23,582
Win this one, we make it
to the Final Four.
550
00:45:23,654 --> 00:45:27,055
My father will kill me.
'69 team lost to Princeton.
551
00:45:27,124 --> 00:45:28,648
You afraid of your father?
552
00:45:28,726 --> 00:45:30,159
Everybody is afraid
of their father.
553
00:45:30,227 --> 00:45:31,387
I can't believe
how nervous I am.
554
00:45:31,462 --> 00:45:33,487
You've got no reason
to be nervous.
555
00:45:33,564 --> 00:45:36,260
No, I know, I was just trying
to make you feel useful.
556
00:45:36,333 --> 00:45:41,532
Just get up there and give it
all the brains you got.
557
00:45:41,605 --> 00:45:46,474
We're not dumb! We're not dumb!
We're not dumb! We're not dumb!
558
00:45:50,781 --> 00:45:55,582
Good evening and welcome
to Collegiate Mastermind.
559
00:46:03,494 --> 00:46:09,592
All right, the first question
is a toss-up worth ten points.
560
00:46:09,666 --> 00:46:14,694
Which president created a company slogan
by describing a certain brand of coffee...
561
00:46:14,772 --> 00:46:17,366
as being "good to the last drop"?
562
00:46:17,441 --> 00:46:19,375
Teddy Roosevelt.
563
00:46:19,443 --> 00:46:21,138
Correct.
564
00:46:24,648 --> 00:46:30,484
Here's your bonus. In Italy, what
is the average age of a barista?
565
00:46:30,554 --> 00:46:31,612
48.
566
00:46:31,688 --> 00:46:33,280
Nicely done.
567
00:46:37,194 --> 00:46:43,190
Toss-up now. What is the longest word ever
used by a presidential press secretary?
568
00:46:43,267 --> 00:46:45,701
Floxinoxinihilipilification.
569
00:46:45,769 --> 00:46:49,296
That's the word.
Here's your bonus.
570
00:46:49,373 --> 00:46:52,729
What is the longest word
in the English language
571
00:46:52,742 --> 00:46:56,108
whose letters can be
played on the piano?
572
00:47:00,417 --> 00:47:01,406
Cabbaged.
573
00:47:01,485 --> 00:47:05,182
Musical. Toss-up.
574
00:47:05,255 --> 00:47:08,309
How much money did
Abraham Lincoln have in
575
00:47:08,322 --> 00:47:11,387
his pocket at the time
of his assassination?
576
00:47:11,461 --> 00:47:13,088
Five dollars
in Confederate money.
577
00:47:13,163 --> 00:47:16,826
Nice shot, Whittman,
all the way to the bank.
578
00:47:21,905 --> 00:47:26,342
I want to have your baby!
579
00:47:26,410 --> 00:47:32,371
Here's your bonus. What is the average
life span of a U.S. dollar in circulation?
580
00:47:32,449 --> 00:47:33,473
18 months.
581
00:47:33,550 --> 00:47:35,814
Correct.
582
00:47:39,857 --> 00:47:41,415
Such an intense sport.
583
00:47:41,491 --> 00:47:42,583
It's all in the coaching.
584
00:47:42,659 --> 00:47:45,423
Toss-up. Who wrote Fart Proudly?
585
00:47:45,495 --> 00:47:46,757
Benjamin Franklin.
586
00:47:46,830 --> 00:47:49,128
- Exactly.
- Nostalgie De La Boue.
587
00:47:49,199 --> 00:47:51,224
- Bingo.
- 28,420.
588
00:47:51,301 --> 00:47:53,166
Well done!
589
00:47:53,237 --> 00:47:59,176
Bella Abzug. The Stockholm
Syndrome. The number one.
590
00:47:59,243 --> 00:48:02,337
Banging your head against a wall
burns 150 calories per hour.
591
00:48:02,412 --> 00:48:06,815
On average, right-handed people live nine
years longer than left-handed people.
592
00:48:06,884 --> 00:48:08,215
Mike Huckabee.
593
00:48:08,285 --> 00:48:11,345
The mainland tiger snake.
594
00:48:11,421 --> 00:48:16,449
The two presidents who's names contain
the letters that form criminal...
595
00:48:16,526 --> 00:48:19,825
are Richard Millhouse Nixon and
William Jefferson Clinton.
596
00:48:19,897 --> 00:48:24,834
If Barbie were life-size, she
would stand 7 feet, 2 inches.
597
00:48:30,374 --> 00:48:36,574
Whoo! It is a tight race,
if I do say so myself.
598
00:48:36,647 --> 00:48:43,746
This final question will determine
which team will go to the Final Four.
599
00:48:43,820 --> 00:48:45,651
Teams at your buzzers.
600
00:48:57,267 --> 00:49:02,261
Who first said,
"Elvis has left the building"?
601
00:49:02,339 --> 00:49:03,271
Whittman!
602
00:49:03,340 --> 00:49:04,534
Horace Lee Logan!
603
00:49:04,608 --> 00:49:08,339
Holy shit, that's right.
604
00:49:08,412 --> 00:49:11,848
Princeton loses!
Princeton loses!
605
00:49:11,915 --> 00:49:14,907
And Whittman College advances
to the Final Four!
606
00:49:14,985 --> 00:49:18,216
We're not dumb! We're not dumb!
607
00:49:27,631 --> 00:49:31,897
Whoa, whoa, whoa, kid,
now that's over the line.
608
00:49:35,038 --> 00:49:36,869
I can't believe it.
609
00:50:00,831 --> 00:50:03,322
Yo.
610
00:50:03,400 --> 00:50:04,492
Yo.
611
00:50:18,582 --> 00:50:20,709
Hey, Pettifog.
612
00:50:20,784 --> 00:50:23,947
I have registered mail.
613
00:50:24,021 --> 00:50:27,428
You know what, Pettifog?
You're no Pettifog.
614
00:50:27,441 --> 00:50:30,859
You're an angel of knowledge
with a kinky halo.
615
00:50:30,927 --> 00:50:33,987
Saw you the other night,
awesome.
616
00:50:34,064 --> 00:50:36,624
Thanks.
617
00:50:36,700 --> 00:50:41,069
Hey, Pettifog? Hi-ya!
618
00:50:47,878 --> 00:50:52,440
What? Oh, shit, no!
619
00:50:52,516 --> 00:50:55,610
To the academic building, and the
first thing we're gonna do is...
620
00:50:55,685 --> 00:50:58,205
Uh, question, what is the student
bathroom ratio on this campus?
621
00:50:59,656 --> 00:51:00,850
Sophie?
622
00:51:00,924 --> 00:51:03,791
Yes. Who are you?
623
00:51:03,860 --> 00:51:07,956
Um... I'm Leo Searly.
624
00:51:10,667 --> 00:51:12,999
My bio dad?
625
00:51:13,070 --> 00:51:15,470
Your father.
626
00:51:15,539 --> 00:51:20,704
No. That's my father.
627
00:51:20,777 --> 00:51:22,574
Don't tell me
you're a professor here.
628
00:51:22,646 --> 00:51:26,776
No, uh, yes? I'm not tenured
yet, well...
629
00:51:26,850 --> 00:51:33,517
You left when I was seven, and now you're
teaching at my top college choice?
630
00:51:33,590 --> 00:51:37,356
You're ruining my life
all over again.
631
00:51:37,427 --> 00:51:39,987
And you don't even care
that you're ruining my life.
632
00:51:40,063 --> 00:51:43,794
All you care about
is Leo Searly.
633
00:51:43,867 --> 00:51:51,467
Three-time loser
and pathetic Peter Pan.
634
00:51:51,541 --> 00:51:54,101
Soph... Sophie, just give me
another chance.
635
00:51:59,049 --> 00:52:01,779
She ain't here, Fuzzy.
636
00:52:08,492 --> 00:52:12,394
Read it. Read the letter!
637
00:52:18,568 --> 00:52:22,470
Collegiate Mastermind...
Dear Eli Pettifog...
638
00:52:22,539 --> 00:52:25,565
The Collegiate Mastermind
Committee hereby suspends you...
639
00:52:25,642 --> 00:52:30,102
from the semi-final match of this year's
Final Four for actions unbecoming?
640
00:52:30,180 --> 00:52:33,081
La-Ia-Ia... section four,
code 93...
641
00:52:33,150 --> 00:52:36,085
You're not even allowed in the building.
Is this for real?
642
00:52:36,153 --> 00:52:39,714
Yes, it's for real,
this is your fault, Leo.
643
00:52:39,789 --> 00:52:42,121
You got me the team jackets.
You got me the van.
644
00:52:42,192 --> 00:52:45,821
You made me popular.
How could you do those things?
645
00:52:45,896 --> 00:52:48,490
I knew I shouldn't have enrolled
you in karate classes.
646
00:52:48,565 --> 00:52:53,730
That's typical Leo Searly sarcasm. You
just don't care about anyone or anything.
647
00:52:55,939 --> 00:52:58,601
Jesus Christ, I can't believe
this is happening.
648
00:52:58,675 --> 00:53:01,803
I had Harvard dangling
over the falls, Leo.
649
00:53:01,878 --> 00:53:04,210
You have to do something
about this.
650
00:53:04,481 --> 00:53:05,550
You have to go to the
Collegiate Mastermind
651
00:53:05,563 --> 00:53:06,642
headquarters and you have
to set them straight.
652
00:53:06,716 --> 00:53:07,978
I can't do that.
653
00:53:08,051 --> 00:53:09,211
Why not?
654
00:53:09,486 --> 00:53:11,750
You just burst in their
offices...
655
00:53:11,821 --> 00:53:14,688
you tell them you're my father and they're
messing with my destiny or something.
656
00:53:14,758 --> 00:53:18,819
You know that there are some
things that you just can't change.
657
00:53:25,769 --> 00:53:28,704
I thought you were afraid
to talk to me?
658
00:53:28,772 --> 00:53:32,765
I've been suspended
from the semi-final match.
659
00:53:32,842 --> 00:53:38,974
For karate? You idiot.
660
00:53:39,049 --> 00:53:42,246
I know, but they never
even warned me.
661
00:53:42,519 --> 00:53:45,079
I hope you consider coming to Whittman,
you're a wonderful candidate.
662
00:53:45,155 --> 00:53:46,144
Thank you so much.
663
00:53:46,223 --> 00:53:48,555
- Okay, see you. Bye-bye.
- Bye.
664
00:53:48,625 --> 00:53:52,254
Do you ever consider the possibility
that maybe you're the patsy in all this?
665
00:53:52,529 --> 00:53:54,690
I was set up?
Why would I be set up?
666
00:53:54,764 --> 00:53:57,665
Look, they used you to bring
attention to the Mastermind.
667
00:53:57,734 --> 00:54:00,828
But at the end of the day, they
were never gonna let you win.
668
00:54:00,904 --> 00:54:02,565
You're collegiate white trash.
669
00:54:02,639 --> 00:54:04,664
You're even more
paranoid than I am.
670
00:54:04,741 --> 00:54:07,209
Things like this happen
all the time.
671
00:54:09,079 --> 00:54:11,775
Hi.
672
00:54:11,848 --> 00:54:13,611
Hi.
673
00:54:13,683 --> 00:54:15,548
Hello.
674
00:54:15,619 --> 00:54:17,177
Hello.
675
00:54:17,254 --> 00:54:21,281
I've been looking all over for
you. What are you doing here?
676
00:54:21,558 --> 00:54:25,619
Um, I just finished my interview
and then the campus store.
677
00:54:25,695 --> 00:54:28,186
Now I'm in the library,
which is awesome.
678
00:54:28,265 --> 00:54:32,668
I'm a little bit confused. Are you applying
for an after-school job or something?
679
00:54:32,736 --> 00:54:37,196
No, um... I'm applying as a
student to Whittman College, Eli.
680
00:54:37,274 --> 00:54:42,576
I thought you were 15. Have you
been lying to me about your age?
681
00:54:42,646 --> 00:54:46,309
I am 15, and I'm
a high school senior.
682
00:54:49,352 --> 00:54:51,616
Why wouldn't you tell me that?
683
00:54:51,688 --> 00:54:54,020
Because I thought you
wouldn't like it.
684
00:54:54,090 --> 00:54:59,551
And... why didn't you tell me about
the Collegiate Mastermind? Hm?
685
00:55:02,799 --> 00:55:05,131
Is is because you wanted to keep
your townie girlfriend...
686
00:55:05,201 --> 00:55:07,567
as far away from your real
life as you can?
687
00:55:07,637 --> 00:55:09,662
I'm a townie, too, you know.
688
00:55:09,739 --> 00:55:11,570
Then act like one.
689
00:55:14,344 --> 00:55:17,905
You better go get her, Eli. Girls
like that don't grow in chat rooms.
690
00:55:21,351 --> 00:55:23,182
And brush your hair.
691
00:56:01,825 --> 00:56:03,156
Shit!
692
00:56:08,698 --> 00:56:10,393
Dance.
693
00:56:15,205 --> 00:56:16,194
Good shot.
694
00:56:19,876 --> 00:56:22,845
Hey, Leo?
How are your testicles?
695
00:56:22,912 --> 00:56:24,743
Hanging in there.
696
00:56:26,816 --> 00:56:28,807
Yeah, you are.
697
00:56:40,397 --> 00:56:46,802
Pettifog. Pettifog.
698
00:56:46,870 --> 00:56:49,930
Pettifog!
699
00:56:50,006 --> 00:56:55,444
I am one gloomy dick, Pettifog.
700
00:56:57,881 --> 00:56:59,439
What's wrong?
701
00:56:59,716 --> 00:57:05,712
What's wrong? You got suspended.
We're gonna lose.
702
00:57:05,789 --> 00:57:08,087
Where'd you hear that?
703
00:57:08,158 --> 00:57:12,891
Everywhere.
704
00:57:12,962 --> 00:57:15,294
It's not true.
705
00:57:15,365 --> 00:57:18,425
It's not?
706
00:57:18,501 --> 00:57:25,373
No... it's... it's a ruse
to lull the opponent.
707
00:57:25,442 --> 00:57:28,900
To a false sense of security.
708
00:57:28,978 --> 00:57:31,378
Nobody knows but you and me.
709
00:57:33,049 --> 00:57:35,017
That's just ingenious.
710
00:57:37,287 --> 00:57:44,819
So, you still guarantee complete
annihilation and total victory?
711
00:57:44,894 --> 00:57:47,021
100 percent.
712
00:57:47,096 --> 00:57:49,064
How about another 10?
That's 110 percent.
713
00:57:52,869 --> 00:57:54,962
There's no such thing.
714
00:57:55,038 --> 00:57:57,768
I don't care.
715
00:58:02,912 --> 00:58:06,780
Sophie?
716
00:58:08,485 --> 00:58:13,923
This was the car you were gonna
teach me to drive in.
717
00:58:18,361 --> 00:58:20,124
Well, why don't we
do that right now?
718
00:58:20,196 --> 00:58:22,460
I already know how to drive.
719
00:58:27,537 --> 00:58:31,530
You know I'm not really
a professor here, right?
720
00:58:31,808 --> 00:58:35,300
I know, you're a freshman.
721
00:58:35,378 --> 00:58:39,542
Which is 50-50 creepy to cool.
722
00:58:43,953 --> 00:58:46,012
I was sure you hated me, I...
723
00:58:46,089 --> 00:58:49,422
I did, until I saw you.
724
00:58:49,492 --> 00:58:55,397
But you're such a lost goofball,
I can't help but not hate you.
725
00:58:55,465 --> 00:58:57,865
Do you feel sorry for me?
726
00:58:57,934 --> 00:58:59,196
Yeah.
727
00:58:59,269 --> 00:59:02,204
Well, that's sweet.
728
00:59:02,272 --> 00:59:04,103
Are you thinking
of coming to Whittman?
729
00:59:04,173 --> 00:59:08,234
How would you feel about that?
I mean, it could be weird.
730
00:59:08,311 --> 00:59:11,633
Well... I don't know,
thrilled that my daughter
731
00:59:11,646 --> 00:59:14,978
is following after her
scholarly father.
732
00:59:18,521 --> 00:59:19,852
What kind of grades you get?
733
00:59:19,923 --> 00:59:22,255
- Straight A's.
- Yeah?
734
00:59:22,325 --> 00:59:24,589
It's no big deal,
it's public school.
735
00:59:24,861 --> 00:59:27,591
Still, that's great,
straight A's.
736
00:59:30,266 --> 00:59:31,927
Can you afford it?
737
00:59:32,001 --> 00:59:35,437
No, I can't afford it.
738
00:59:35,505 --> 00:59:38,440
Well, you know, maybe there's something
I can do to help you out tuition-wise.
739
00:59:38,508 --> 00:59:42,171
Are you serious?
You would do that?
740
00:59:42,245 --> 00:59:49,083
Yeah, um, I'm not making any promises,
but I'll see what I can do. Um...
741
00:59:49,152 --> 00:59:53,521
I didn't come here
for that, you know?
742
00:59:53,590 --> 00:59:56,991
I know, look, I know,
I know, I know. I know.
743
01:01:01,958 --> 01:01:03,949
- Hi.
- Hi.
744
01:01:04,027 --> 01:01:08,964
I can't see you anymore.
I'm sorry. Can I come in?
745
01:01:09,032 --> 01:01:11,330
Yeah, why can't you
see me anymore?
746
01:01:11,401 --> 01:01:18,170
Well, because I just ran into my daughter
and I haven't seen her in a long time.
747
01:01:18,241 --> 01:01:26,241
And it's just a little bit creepy, because
she kind of looks like... you get it?
748
01:01:26,449 --> 01:01:28,644
That is so psychological.
749
01:01:28,718 --> 01:01:34,281
Some kind of pathological narcissistic
father-daughter disorder or something.
750
01:01:34,357 --> 01:01:40,387
Well, thanks very much,
and I'll see you around campus.
751
01:01:40,463 --> 01:01:43,557
You sure you don't want to hang
out and study for a while?
752
01:01:43,633 --> 01:01:51,631
Wow, um, uh... gosh,
I'm gonna go...
753
01:02:41,624 --> 01:02:46,254
Leo... what the hell
are you doing here?
754
01:02:46,329 --> 01:02:49,696
Hi, Benny, how are you?
755
01:02:49,766 --> 01:02:52,172
Well, I've got a lot of things
I could complain about,
756
01:02:52,185 --> 01:02:54,601
but try to say
only good things.
757
01:02:54,670 --> 01:02:58,037
So, all right,
what's up with you?
758
01:02:58,107 --> 01:03:00,200
Oh, I'm here
to place a bet, Benny.
759
01:03:00,276 --> 01:03:03,336
Leo, you know that I'll never
take your bet, not ever.
760
01:03:03,412 --> 01:03:05,092
Now what kind of bookie
doesn't take a bet?
761
01:03:05,148 --> 01:03:07,673
The kind who feels guilty
for ruining your life.
762
01:03:07,750 --> 01:03:12,483
But this is a good bet.
It's a bet with conscience.
763
01:03:12,555 --> 01:03:14,750
Look, I'm sorry, Leo,
can't do it.
764
01:03:16,325 --> 01:03:18,657
Benny, take my bet.
765
01:03:18,728 --> 01:03:20,480
Would you please get up off the ground?
The sight
766
01:03:20,493 --> 01:03:22,255
of you down there is
very disturbing to me.
767
01:03:22,331 --> 01:03:26,062
I'm not getting up
until you take my bet.
768
01:03:26,135 --> 01:03:28,330
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
769
01:03:28,404 --> 01:03:29,701
- Oh, yeah?
- Hm.
770
01:03:29,772 --> 01:03:32,400
Really?
771
01:03:32,475 --> 01:03:35,239
I'm not getting up until you get
out of here, you understand?
772
01:03:35,311 --> 01:03:38,678
Look at you, Benny. You're on
your knees in your own office.
773
01:03:38,748 --> 01:03:42,775
Look at you, you're begging me to
ruin your life all over again.
774
01:03:42,852 --> 01:03:44,843
I'm trying to pay for my
daughter's tuition.
775
01:03:45,121 --> 01:03:47,112
Yeah.
776
01:03:47,190 --> 01:03:49,181
Do you have any idea how much it
costs to go to college these days?
777
01:03:49,258 --> 01:03:51,089
I don't know, like 20 grand?
778
01:03:51,160 --> 01:03:52,650
Try 50 large.
779
01:03:52,728 --> 01:03:55,322
50 large? Who the hell
can afford that?
780
01:03:55,398 --> 01:04:00,131
I got 25, if I double it, then
Sophie can go to school for a year.
781
01:04:00,203 --> 01:04:02,763
All right, what's the bet?
782
01:04:02,839 --> 01:04:05,103
Harvard to take it all.
783
01:04:05,174 --> 01:04:06,607
Harvard?
What are they gonna win?
784
01:04:06,676 --> 01:04:08,507
Collegiate Mastermind.
785
01:04:08,578 --> 01:04:10,512
What the hell
is Collegiate Mastermind?
786
01:04:10,580 --> 01:04:12,844
Well, it's kind of like
Jeopardy, but without the money.
787
01:04:12,915 --> 01:04:16,952
No money?
What's the point?
788
01:04:16,953 --> 01:04:17,248
No money?
What's the point?
789
01:04:17,320 --> 01:04:22,280
You are going to win the Collegiate
Mastermind National Championship. Say it.
790
01:04:22,358 --> 01:04:25,691
You are going to win the
Collegiate Mastermind...
791
01:04:25,761 --> 01:04:29,629
Stop. Stop. Not me, you.
Please say it again.
792
01:04:29,699 --> 01:04:32,668
How can we win the Collegiate
Mastermind National Championship?
793
01:04:32,735 --> 01:04:36,364
We haven't answered one single
question during the whole season.
794
01:04:36,439 --> 01:04:38,737
Well, you didn't answer the questions,
but you knew the answers, right?
795
01:04:38,808 --> 01:04:40,799
I didn't.
796
01:04:40,877 --> 01:04:44,313
Not even one third of the answers?
One out of every three questions?
797
01:04:44,380 --> 01:04:48,316
I did, I knew about a third.
798
01:04:48,384 --> 01:04:50,511
Yeah, I guess I did, too.
799
01:04:50,586 --> 01:04:54,317
Okay, and Alan knew the other third, so
the three of you guys make up one of me.
800
01:04:54,390 --> 01:04:55,789
But...
801
01:04:55,858 --> 01:04:58,656
You're pussies.
You guys are total pussies.
802
01:04:58,728 --> 01:05:03,563
And pussies need balls,
so get some balls, guys.
803
01:05:03,633 --> 01:05:08,661
Can you seriously picture
Alan with balls?
804
01:05:08,738 --> 01:05:09,796
Mm?
805
01:05:09,872 --> 01:05:12,864
Eli.
806
01:05:12,942 --> 01:05:13,909
Alan?
807
01:05:13,976 --> 01:05:16,570
Up here, Eli.
808
01:05:16,646 --> 01:05:20,309
Last night, I had a dream.
809
01:05:20,383 --> 01:05:23,318
The Poughkeepsie Music Hall...
810
01:05:23,386 --> 01:05:28,551
Poughkeepsie, New York, semi-final
match of the Final Four...
811
01:05:28,624 --> 01:05:33,527
I was nailing question
after question.
812
01:05:33,596 --> 01:05:36,360
How did it end? In your triumph?
813
01:05:36,432 --> 01:05:38,457
Nope.
814
01:05:38,534 --> 01:05:43,597
Ended when I mutated into a rabbit
and shitted all over the stage.
815
01:05:43,673 --> 01:05:48,838
You weren't a rabbit, you idiot.
You were a Warring Hare.
816
01:05:49,912 --> 01:05:52,278
- Really?
- Yes.
817
01:05:53,516 --> 01:05:55,450
But what does the shit signify?
818
01:05:55,518 --> 01:05:57,543
Purging of your doubts.
819
01:05:58,854 --> 01:06:03,257
Man... I got a lot of doubts.
820
01:07:08,758 --> 01:07:12,421
Because Harvard's burning.
821
01:07:12,495 --> 01:07:14,656
Turn off the municipal water
system.
822
01:07:14,730 --> 01:07:16,527
Because Harvard's burning.
823
01:07:16,599 --> 01:07:18,294
Something smells good.
824
01:07:18,367 --> 01:07:23,031
Because Harvard's burning.
825
01:07:28,844 --> 01:07:29,868
We're here.
826
01:07:31,547 --> 01:07:32,707
Okay, now I'm nervous.
827
01:07:32,782 --> 01:07:34,079
I'm gonna try and get in anyway.
828
01:07:34,350 --> 01:07:35,942
Good luck to us all.
829
01:07:40,756 --> 01:07:42,815
Warring Hares from
leafy Whittman College.
830
01:07:45,528 --> 01:07:47,860
Searly, Leo.
831
01:07:47,930 --> 01:07:50,763
Pettifog, I can't let you in the
building until after the semi-finals.
832
01:07:50,833 --> 01:07:51,959
- What are you talking about?
- He's the best...
833
01:07:52,034 --> 01:07:53,695
- Excuse me.
- Okay, you're b...
834
01:07:53,769 --> 01:07:54,827
- What are you talking about?
- I'll watch the guys.
835
01:07:54,904 --> 01:07:56,963
I can't let you in.
Sorry.
836
01:07:57,039 --> 01:07:58,870
There's something very different
about you this year.
837
01:07:58,941 --> 01:08:00,465
The moustache... my moustache
came in.
838
01:08:00,543 --> 01:08:01,510
It's not your moustache.
839
01:08:01,577 --> 01:08:03,044
Moustache is in.
840
01:08:03,112 --> 01:08:05,740
Something I can't quite run my
fingers through.
841
01:08:05,815 --> 01:08:06,907
You know, Spencer...
842
01:08:06,982 --> 01:08:08,415
We're on, guys.
843
01:08:08,484 --> 01:08:09,416
I'm sorry, here we go.
844
01:08:14,390 --> 01:08:17,382
Ooh, we have arrived.
845
01:08:17,460 --> 01:08:20,452
Fruit plate.
846
01:08:20,529 --> 01:08:21,655
You know Shrek's wife Fiona?
847
01:08:21,730 --> 01:08:22,924
Mm-hm.
848
01:08:22,998 --> 01:08:25,023
I bet her hoo-hah
looks just like this.
849
01:08:25,101 --> 01:08:28,366
Why did it take you so long to
say something romantic?
850
01:08:28,437 --> 01:08:34,398
Hey, guys, let's bring it in.
Huddle up... into a square.
851
01:08:34,477 --> 01:08:35,842
Circle, triangle, whatever.
852
01:08:35,911 --> 01:08:38,379
Are you gonna psyche us up
instead of Eli?
853
01:08:38,447 --> 01:08:41,154
In my own way. You made
it to the Final Four.
854
01:08:41,167 --> 01:08:43,885
You're already winners, right?
855
01:08:43,953 --> 01:08:49,858
Right, right? Right. Let's take
a moment to cherish that.
856
01:08:56,532 --> 01:08:59,831
This is something that you're going
to share with your children.
857
01:08:59,902 --> 01:09:05,169
The foundation of good character
is based on losing.
858
01:09:05,441 --> 01:09:12,176
In fact, what makes a good
winner... is a good loser.
859
01:09:15,084 --> 01:09:21,421
What's the difference
between winning and losing?
860
01:09:21,490 --> 01:09:24,050
Except joy and pain.
861
01:09:24,126 --> 01:09:29,758
So, let's go out there with our
heads held high... and lose one.
862
01:09:29,832 --> 01:09:31,891
In that old Whittman style.
863
01:09:33,903 --> 01:09:35,928
- We're coming to you live...
- Coming to you live.
864
01:09:36,005 --> 01:09:38,132
...from the Poughkeepsie Music Hall
and what a beautiful venue this is.
865
01:09:38,207 --> 01:09:39,765
Gorgeous down there.
866
01:09:39,842 --> 01:09:42,936
Where the Stanford Cardinal will
be taking on the...
867
01:09:43,012 --> 01:09:45,503
Whittman Warring Hares of
Whittman College.
868
01:09:45,581 --> 01:09:49,483
Who are playing without their
star, Eli Pettifog, who is...
869
01:09:49,552 --> 01:09:52,152
He's been suspended. He's been
suspended one game for showboating.
870
01:09:52,221 --> 01:09:54,485
He's gonna be back if they
advance to the Finals.
871
01:09:55,558 --> 01:09:56,923
What is up with you?
872
01:09:56,992 --> 01:09:59,688
This Whittman thong is itching
me something fierce.
873
01:09:59,762 --> 01:10:02,060
Can we have tickets?
I really need tickets.
874
01:10:02,131 --> 01:10:05,999
Shit! Shit.
875
01:10:14,910 --> 01:10:18,141
Why were you acting so
creepy in the library?
876
01:10:18,214 --> 01:10:23,550
I don't know. Why were you
acting so creepy in the library?
877
01:10:25,955 --> 01:10:31,257
I just... I just came over...
878
01:10:31,527 --> 01:10:33,222
I'm sorry.
879
01:10:33,295 --> 01:10:34,956
Yeah, sorry.
880
01:10:39,235 --> 01:10:40,862
Oh, I have lip gloss.
881
01:10:40,936 --> 01:10:43,598
No, screw the lip gloss, okay?
882
01:10:50,846 --> 01:10:52,814
Yo, good luck, Stanford.
883
01:10:57,753 --> 01:11:01,655
Remember, guys, even without Pettifog,
the Hares are still dangerous.
884
01:11:01,724 --> 01:11:07,094
Bullshit. Without Pettifog, they
can't even spell Pettifog.
885
01:11:07,162 --> 01:11:11,189
Hey, watch the karma violation.
886
01:11:11,267 --> 01:11:15,294
Karma, karma, karma, karma,
karma chameleon.
887
01:11:15,571 --> 01:11:18,563
You come and go.
888
01:11:18,641 --> 01:11:21,838
You come and go.
889
01:11:24,346 --> 01:11:28,009
Oh, shit.
890
01:11:28,083 --> 01:11:32,110
Stanford Cardinal, please report
backstage to check in.
891
01:11:32,187 --> 01:11:35,623
Final call, final call, Stanford
Cardinal.
892
01:11:35,691 --> 01:11:38,051
We're currently waiting for the
Stanford Cardinal to arrive.
893
01:11:38,060 --> 01:11:41,223
I think it's a mind game. I think what
Stanford is doing is a mind game.
894
01:11:41,297 --> 01:11:45,165
I think they're just trying to upset these
Whittman Warring Hares by not showing up.
895
01:11:45,234 --> 01:11:47,725
- I think it's bad karma, myself.
- Yeah.
896
01:11:47,803 --> 01:11:50,101
I don't know where they are. I saw the
in the hotel this morning at breakfast.
897
01:11:50,172 --> 01:11:52,492
A little bleary-eyed,
probably from studying
898
01:11:52,505 --> 01:11:54,836
and/or partying they
did last night.
899
01:11:54,910 --> 01:11:57,140
But they look great,
these kids...
900
01:11:57,212 --> 01:11:59,840
we all shared some of the cottage cheese.
I got a bowl of cottage cheese there.
901
01:11:59,915 --> 01:12:01,906
Really?
902
01:12:01,984 --> 01:12:04,043
Put some sugar on it yourself and
grab yourself a pineapple ring...
903
01:12:04,119 --> 01:12:06,212
and put the cottage cheese
on there.
904
01:12:06,288 --> 01:12:09,780
And load that sucker with sugar and have
yourself some delicious French roast...
905
01:12:09,858 --> 01:12:12,258
that they have at the continental
breakfast, a croissant, maybe?
906
01:12:12,328 --> 01:12:13,818
Right.
907
01:12:13,896 --> 01:12:16,228
Do not let them get into your
head, Gertrude.
908
01:12:16,298 --> 01:12:18,026
The match should have
started 20 minutes ago.
909
01:12:18,039 --> 01:12:19,778
Those Stanford fools
are driving me crazy.
910
01:12:22,771 --> 01:12:25,171
Good afternoon, Whittman.
911
01:12:25,240 --> 01:12:27,458
The Stanford Cardinal
have failed to appear...
912
01:12:27,471 --> 01:12:29,700
and are disqualified.
913
01:12:32,314 --> 01:12:37,251
Congratulations,
you advance to the Finals.
914
01:12:43,759 --> 01:12:44,193
Benny Greenberg.
915
01:12:44,194 --> 01:12:45,820
Benny Greenberg.
916
01:12:45,894 --> 01:12:51,355
Hi, Benny, it's me, it's Leo. Really
be good if I could talk to you.
917
01:12:51,433 --> 01:12:55,062
Hey, so what's Eli's bedroom IQ?
918
01:12:55,137 --> 01:12:57,367
Cut it out, you jerks.
Okay?
919
01:12:57,439 --> 01:13:00,931
Seriously, we're about to play
the match of our lives.
920
01:13:01,009 --> 01:13:02,374
What should we do?
921
01:13:02,444 --> 01:13:04,708
We'll practice celebrating.
922
01:13:04,780 --> 01:13:07,647
Create a mental picture of
Harvard lying on the stage.
923
01:13:07,716 --> 01:13:10,879
You know, they're crying,
they're fouling their pants.
924
01:13:10,953 --> 01:13:13,683
They're bleeding
from their ears...
925
01:13:13,756 --> 01:13:18,386
and you all are gyrating obscenely
over their fallen bodies. Okay?
926
01:13:21,397 --> 01:13:24,025
I want some pie.
Do you want some pie?
927
01:13:24,099 --> 01:13:26,226
Yeah.
Do you want blueberry?
928
01:13:26,301 --> 01:13:29,964
I heard they have an awesome
peach one. Banana...
929
01:13:30,038 --> 01:13:31,699
I actually have to pee.
930
01:13:31,774 --> 01:13:34,709
Oh, I'll be over there.
931
01:13:42,251 --> 01:13:46,085
Dual vivimus vivamus.
932
01:13:46,155 --> 01:13:49,886
While we live, let's live.
933
01:13:49,958 --> 01:13:53,724
Porcellian Club, Harvard's most
secret society.
934
01:13:53,796 --> 01:13:57,823
Members often call it "The PC".
935
01:13:57,900 --> 01:14:04,430
And "The Porc". I'm not a member, so
I just call it the Porcellian Club.
936
01:14:04,506 --> 01:14:11,241
Nobody is a member until they become a
member, but once a member, always a member.
937
01:14:11,313 --> 01:14:12,405
Like an alma mater.
938
01:14:16,218 --> 01:14:18,482
Only much, much better.
939
01:14:18,754 --> 01:14:20,984
Maybe next time around.
940
01:14:21,056 --> 01:14:28,292
Look at me, Eli.
There is no next time around.
941
01:14:28,363 --> 01:14:32,322
If you let Harvard win, I can
make you a Harvard student.
942
01:14:42,177 --> 01:14:44,475
Consider it.
943
01:14:48,317 --> 01:14:51,223
He said that if I take
a dive in the final
944
01:14:51,236 --> 01:14:54,153
match, I go to Harvard
on a full scholarship.
945
01:14:54,223 --> 01:14:56,088
Does that include a graduate
degree?
946
01:14:56,158 --> 01:14:57,284
Who needs a graduate degree?
947
01:14:57,359 --> 01:14:59,020
Well, what was your answer?
948
01:14:59,094 --> 01:15:03,531
I didn't have one.
I still don't have one.
949
01:15:03,799 --> 01:15:08,099
I gotta go, just don't follow
me, don't try to find me, agh!
950
01:15:09,338 --> 01:15:12,034
I'm gyrating. I'm gyrating.
951
01:15:12,107 --> 01:15:13,972
No, no, no, it's like this.
952
01:15:16,245 --> 01:15:19,942
You're the rice in my beans,
baby.
953
01:15:20,015 --> 01:15:21,505
Uh, hey, is Eli around?
954
01:15:21,583 --> 01:15:24,017
- You guys don't know where he is?
- Is something wrong?
955
01:15:24,086 --> 01:15:26,145
Everything is fine. He's probably just
getting in the zone all by himself.
956
01:15:26,221 --> 01:15:27,813
What's going on?
What's going on, what?
957
01:15:27,890 --> 01:15:28,850
He's obviously not here.
958
01:15:28,891 --> 01:15:29,880
I know he's not here.
959
01:15:29,958 --> 01:15:31,084
So let's go, let's go.
960
01:15:31,159 --> 01:15:32,922
So, later.
961
01:15:55,484 --> 01:15:56,775
- Eli?
- Eli.
962
01:15:56,800 --> 01:15:58,052
Eli?
963
01:15:58,053 --> 01:16:00,453
We should go back and wait
for him in the dressing room.
964
01:16:00,522 --> 01:16:02,922
What are you talking about? He's
not going to the dressing room.
965
01:16:02,991 --> 01:16:05,186
He could be anywhere.
966
01:16:07,129 --> 01:16:10,292
We are live in Poughkeepsie,
New York...
967
01:16:10,365 --> 01:16:13,266
for the 49th annual Collegiate
Mastermind Tournament Championship.
968
01:16:13,335 --> 01:16:15,360
And right off the bat,
we have a shocker.
969
01:16:15,437 --> 01:16:17,234
Oh, boy.
970
01:16:17,306 --> 01:16:21,265
Whittman College's star player
Eli Pettifog is a no-show.
971
01:16:21,343 --> 01:16:24,904
I think that their chances have
gone from long shot...
972
01:16:24,980 --> 01:16:27,540
to no shot here against the
Harvard Crimson ruling elite.
973
01:16:32,588 --> 01:16:35,989
There.
974
01:16:36,058 --> 01:16:37,252
What are you doing, Eli?
975
01:16:37,326 --> 01:16:39,055
Eli.
976
01:16:39,127 --> 01:16:42,290
He can't talk, but his Lego
skills are ridiculous.
977
01:16:42,364 --> 01:16:45,026
Hmm.
978
01:16:45,100 --> 01:16:47,091
Come on, let's go.
The match is starting.
979
01:16:50,272 --> 01:16:52,103
Keep on building.
980
01:16:54,443 --> 01:16:56,502
Holy shit, no Pettifog.
981
01:16:56,578 --> 01:16:59,206
Oh, no, I forgot to go
to the bathroom.
982
01:17:03,151 --> 01:17:05,619
Good afternoon, ladies and
gentlemen...
983
01:17:05,687 --> 01:17:09,589
and welcome to this year's Collegiate
Mastermind Championship Match.
984
01:17:09,658 --> 01:17:12,058
Featuring the Harvard Crimson.
985
01:17:17,332 --> 01:17:20,324
Against the Whittman
Warring Hare.
986
01:17:25,507 --> 01:17:28,374
The first question is a toss-up.
987
01:17:28,443 --> 01:17:33,346
When was the stethoscope
invented and by whom?
988
01:17:33,415 --> 01:17:38,409
1816, by
Ren�-Th�ophile-Hyacinthe Laennec.
989
01:17:38,487 --> 01:17:41,047
That is right.
990
01:17:41,123 --> 01:17:43,114
Here's your bonus.
991
01:17:43,191 --> 01:17:47,685
Despite her French-sounding name,
Marie Curie was from what country?
992
01:17:47,963 --> 01:17:48,691
Poland.
993
01:17:48,964 --> 01:17:50,522
That is right.
994
01:17:53,035 --> 01:17:55,026
Here's a toss-up.
995
01:17:55,103 --> 01:18:00,939
Who was the only Major League pitcher
to throw a no-hitter while on LSD?
996
01:18:01,009 --> 01:18:02,374
Doc Ellis.
997
01:18:02,444 --> 01:18:04,469
That is correct.
998
01:18:04,546 --> 01:18:05,945
Where's Pettifog?
999
01:18:06,014 --> 01:18:07,538
Here's your bonus.
1000
01:18:07,616 --> 01:18:11,245
What was the last country to
stop legally producing LSD?
1001
01:18:11,319 --> 01:18:13,947
Czechoslovakia in 1975.
1002
01:18:14,022 --> 01:18:16,252
That is right.
1003
01:18:16,324 --> 01:18:20,090
This humiliation
is gonna go viral.
1004
01:18:20,162 --> 01:18:25,600
It was Michigan in the semi-finals and now
it is a young, plucky band of kids...
1005
01:18:25,667 --> 01:18:28,227
from Whittman College who are
feeling Harvard's wrath.
1006
01:18:28,303 --> 01:18:30,703
Ugh, it's not pretty out there.
1007
01:18:30,772 --> 01:18:35,368
I didn't think they had a chance
from the beginning...
1008
01:18:35,444 --> 01:18:39,574
but now this sad Cinderella
story is coming to a close.
1009
01:18:39,648 --> 01:18:43,311
Now the cards were stacked against
Whittman to begin with, even with...
1010
01:18:43,385 --> 01:18:46,149
Eli? Eli!
1011
01:18:46,221 --> 01:18:51,284
Excuse me, I made the decision that is
going to determine my future and yours.
1012
01:18:51,359 --> 01:18:56,422
I reject friendship, I reject love,
and I reject Collegiate Mastermind.
1013
01:18:56,498 --> 01:19:03,199
Iron Chef Michael Simon attended
which Cleveland area high school?
1014
01:19:03,271 --> 01:19:06,172
Saint Edward High School
in Lakewood.
1015
01:19:06,241 --> 01:19:08,175
That is right.
1016
01:19:12,180 --> 01:19:15,547
Make it look like your
buzzers don't work.
1017
01:19:15,617 --> 01:19:20,247
Toss up. What animal is
incapable of seeing the sky?
1018
01:19:23,625 --> 01:19:27,789
I take it back.
Five seconds, Whittman.
1019
01:19:28,063 --> 01:19:29,849
Something in my head is saying
gashon, gashon, gashon.
1020
01:19:29,862 --> 01:19:31,658
What the hell is gashon?
1021
01:19:31,733 --> 01:19:35,499
It's a pig. The pig.
1022
01:19:35,570 --> 01:19:37,401
That is right.
1023
01:19:41,109 --> 01:19:43,407
Here's your bonus.
1024
01:19:43,478 --> 01:19:45,963
These ancient people were
sometimes accompanied
1025
01:19:45,976 --> 01:19:48,472
to the grave with
their herds of pigs.
1026
01:19:48,550 --> 01:19:52,611
The southern white cracker loves
his swine.
1027
01:19:52,687 --> 01:19:58,387
The cracker is an ancient. Polish
people are true pig lovers.
1028
01:19:58,460 --> 01:20:00,519
The Chinese!
1029
01:20:00,595 --> 01:20:02,688
That is correct.
1030
01:20:05,667 --> 01:20:07,692
Yeah! Uh-oh!
1031
01:20:10,872 --> 01:20:15,673
The ugliest sight in the world is the
sight of simple people being happy.
1032
01:20:15,744 --> 01:20:17,803
Toss up.
1033
01:20:17,879 --> 01:20:24,546
What ill-fated computer platform was
released on the 23rd of April, 1983?
1034
01:20:24,619 --> 01:20:26,450
The Apple 3.
1035
01:20:26,521 --> 01:20:27,749
That is right.
1036
01:20:27,823 --> 01:20:29,450
How did you know that?
1037
01:20:29,524 --> 01:20:32,322
- I didn't know I did.
- Here's your bonus.
1038
01:20:32,394 --> 01:20:34,749
Who was the forgotten
founder of Apple and what
1039
01:20:34,762 --> 01:20:37,127
was his greatest
contribution to the company?
1040
01:20:37,199 --> 01:20:39,861
Ron Wayne, he designed
the first logo.
1041
01:20:40,135 --> 01:20:44,094
You nailed it!
1042
01:20:44,172 --> 01:20:45,730
Yeah, Gertrude.
1043
01:20:45,807 --> 01:20:47,297
Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah.
1044
01:20:47,375 --> 01:20:50,811
Wow, a sign of life from these
Whittman Hares.
1045
01:20:50,879 --> 01:20:53,473
Nah, I think it's gonna be too
little, too late, Spencer.
1046
01:20:53,548 --> 01:20:56,676
Coming up on the two-minute warning,
I think Whittman's fate is all but sealed.
1047
01:20:56,751 --> 01:20:59,242
Let's not get too excited yet...
1048
01:20:59,321 --> 01:21:02,518
Harvard has been answering questions
like this for 500, 600 years.
1049
01:21:02,591 --> 01:21:04,491
They could beat Harvard
without you.
1050
01:21:10,465 --> 01:21:13,588
Toss up. Who performed
the only instrumental
1051
01:21:13,601 --> 01:21:16,734
song to have been banned
from American radio?
1052
01:21:16,805 --> 01:21:18,636
And what was the name of the
song?
1053
01:21:23,445 --> 01:21:27,711
- Holy spasticature.
- Oh! Down and out!
1054
01:21:27,782 --> 01:21:29,530
I'll tell you, that's the
most exciting moment
1055
01:21:29,543 --> 01:21:31,302
in Collegiate Mastermind
history, that is.
1056
01:21:31,353 --> 01:21:33,480
Wow, let's see that again.
1057
01:21:33,555 --> 01:21:37,582
Here you go, hold it, wait for it.
He's gonna clip the podium right...
1058
01:21:37,659 --> 01:21:40,560
Pow. Bing.
1059
01:21:40,629 --> 01:21:43,393
That's gonna shave
a few points of the old GPA.
1060
01:21:43,465 --> 01:21:48,425
Oh, don't you know it. He is a bleeder
that little kid, that smartie.
1061
01:21:48,503 --> 01:21:51,677
Ladies and gentlemen,
a member of the
1062
01:21:51,690 --> 01:21:54,874
Whittman side has sustained
a serious injury.
1063
01:21:56,878 --> 01:22:00,644
Whittman has three minutes
to produce their alternate.
1064
01:22:00,715 --> 01:22:03,343
You're now the alternate, Eli.
1065
01:22:03,418 --> 01:22:08,219
If you're not on that stage in three
minutes, Whittman will be disqualified.
1066
01:22:08,290 --> 01:22:11,748
I'd stay where you are, Eli.
A king always needs his castle.
1067
01:22:17,666 --> 01:22:24,435
Let me put it in context. How long
have you dreamed of going to Harvard?
1068
01:22:24,506 --> 01:22:26,497
My whole life.
1069
01:22:26,574 --> 01:22:31,477
How long have you dreamed
of beating Harvard?
1070
01:22:31,546 --> 01:22:34,879
A couple of months.
1071
01:22:34,950 --> 01:22:38,317
You're gonna have to honor
the big dream, Eli.
1072
01:22:38,386 --> 01:22:39,944
Yeah.
1073
01:22:40,021 --> 01:22:43,320
Wait, what the hell are you
doing?
1074
01:22:43,391 --> 01:22:49,261
I mean, do you really want to screw your
school, your team and your friends?
1075
01:22:49,331 --> 01:22:54,462
Get some balls, Eli,
and go out there and win it.
1076
01:22:54,536 --> 01:22:58,233
It's his right.
How's your brain feeling?
1077
01:23:05,280 --> 01:23:07,339
- I can't do this.
- Get out there.
1078
01:23:07,415 --> 01:23:10,748
I don't know what the fuck
I'm supposed to do, guys.
1079
01:23:28,703 --> 01:23:30,762
Things just got interesting.
1080
01:23:30,839 --> 01:23:33,865
Eli Pettifog, the Whittman Hares star
player just stepped out on the stage.
1081
01:23:33,942 --> 01:23:37,309
That boy has not missed
a question all season long.
1082
01:23:37,379 --> 01:23:38,403
He has got brains.
1083
01:23:38,480 --> 01:23:39,412
Yes.
1084
01:23:39,481 --> 01:23:40,675
He's got hair.
1085
01:23:40,749 --> 01:23:41,249
Where the hell have you been?
1086
01:23:41,250 --> 01:23:42,682
Where the hell have you been?
1087
01:23:42,751 --> 01:23:43,683
You don't want to know.
1088
01:23:43,752 --> 01:23:44,810
Yes, we do.
1089
01:23:48,690 --> 01:23:54,287
Whittman has produced their
alternate, so let's resume.
1090
01:23:54,362 --> 01:23:55,761
Benny here.
1091
01:23:55,830 --> 01:23:57,764
- Benny, it's me, it's Leo.
- Yeah?
1092
01:23:57,832 --> 01:24:00,300
I want to take the bet back,
the Harvard bet?
1093
01:24:00,368 --> 01:24:02,489
Leo, I never put the bet through.
It doesn't exist.
1094
01:24:02,502 --> 01:24:04,634
You should be thanking me.
1095
01:24:08,576 --> 01:24:12,068
Hey, Leo? You're welcome.
1096
01:24:15,350 --> 01:24:16,783
Thank you, Benny.
1097
01:24:16,851 --> 01:24:18,716
Toss up.
1098
01:24:18,787 --> 01:24:26,057
Who said, "A whale ship was my
Yale College and my Harvard?"
1099
01:24:28,830 --> 01:24:29,797
I can't, I can't.
1100
01:24:29,864 --> 01:24:30,796
You better.
1101
01:24:30,865 --> 01:24:32,560
Five seconds.
1102
01:24:32,634 --> 01:24:33,623
Come on, guys.
1103
01:24:33,701 --> 01:24:34,633
I would say Melville.
1104
01:24:34,702 --> 01:24:35,669
Then say it.
1105
01:24:35,737 --> 01:24:38,433
Herman Melville.
1106
01:24:38,506 --> 01:24:39,632
That is right.
1107
01:24:44,446 --> 01:24:49,679
For your bonus, at the time of his
death, Herman Melville was so obscure...
1108
01:24:49,751 --> 01:24:52,618
the New York Times misidentified
him in his obituary.
1109
01:24:52,687 --> 01:24:53,619
I know this.
1110
01:24:53,688 --> 01:24:55,019
What name did they use?
1111
01:24:55,090 --> 01:24:56,648
Henry Melville.
1112
01:24:56,724 --> 01:24:58,555
That is right.
1113
01:25:04,599 --> 01:25:07,591
Whittman! Go, Whittman!
1114
01:25:09,437 --> 01:25:11,667
We have a tie score.
1115
01:25:11,739 --> 01:25:13,969
I can't believe we're
tied with Harvard.
1116
01:25:14,042 --> 01:25:15,771
I can't believe they're
tied with Harvard.
1117
01:25:15,844 --> 01:25:19,644
I can't believe they're tied
with Harvard.
1118
01:25:22,117 --> 01:25:27,680
This next question will
determine the championship.
1119
01:25:27,755 --> 01:25:34,490
Toss up. Iceland and England broke
off diplomatic relations in 1976.
1120
01:25:34,562 --> 01:25:37,463
What dispute caused the split?
1121
01:25:43,471 --> 01:25:44,403
Do you know?
1122
01:25:44,472 --> 01:25:45,837
No.
1123
01:25:47,876 --> 01:25:49,810
20 seconds.
1124
01:25:53,615 --> 01:25:57,483
Dude, come on, Eli,
set yourself free, man.
1125
01:26:03,992 --> 01:26:05,619
Ten seconds.
1126
01:26:15,803 --> 01:26:17,532
Cod? Cod!
1127
01:26:17,605 --> 01:26:19,630
Fishing.
1128
01:26:19,707 --> 01:26:22,039
Rights!
1129
01:26:28,650 --> 01:26:32,916
That is... right!
1130
01:26:38,059 --> 01:26:43,725
It's unbelievable. Harvard goes
down! Harvard goes down!
1131
01:26:43,798 --> 01:26:49,862
The Whittman Warring Hares are this year's
champions of the Collegiate Mastermind.
1132
01:26:53,141 --> 01:26:54,836
We did it, you guys, we...
1133
01:26:57,779 --> 01:26:59,679
Oh, my god.
1134
01:26:59,747 --> 01:27:05,117
You are the greatest
unbelievable ever now!
1135
01:27:05,186 --> 01:27:08,678
Go to the league office and tell
them we're getting the shaft.
1136
01:27:08,756 --> 01:27:10,815
They wrote a whole rule book
for moments like this.
1137
01:27:17,098 --> 01:27:18,531
How many stitches did you get?
1138
01:27:18,600 --> 01:27:19,931
Seven.
1139
01:27:20,001 --> 01:27:21,764
Can I take them out
when they're ready?
1140
01:27:21,836 --> 01:27:24,134
Yeah.
1141
01:27:24,205 --> 01:27:26,036
Nice brain.
1142
01:27:26,107 --> 01:27:27,665
- You see this brain?
- Yeah.
1143
01:27:27,742 --> 01:27:29,642
My left ball is bigger
than this brain.
1144
01:27:29,711 --> 01:27:32,839
That's why you're so artistic.
1145
01:27:57,739 --> 01:28:02,938
Shauna, get in the picture.
Yeah, Shauna.
1146
01:28:03,011 --> 01:28:08,208
Yo, Pettifog, tell us how
awesome we are!
1147
01:28:10,084 --> 01:28:12,917
Stop, stop, I'll do the speech.
I'll do a speech.
1148
01:28:12,987 --> 01:28:17,253
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Excuse me.
1149
01:28:17,325 --> 01:28:25,164
I, uh... I'm afraid I have some unpleasant
business regarding today's final.
1150
01:28:25,233 --> 01:28:29,329
According to Rule 324 of the
book of Collegiate Mastermind...
1151
01:28:29,604 --> 01:28:34,098
An injured player cannot be replaced with
less than one minute remaining in a match.
1152
01:28:34,175 --> 01:28:38,271
The team must complete the match
with two players.
1153
01:28:38,346 --> 01:28:42,339
Today Whittman College broke
that rule.
1154
01:28:42,617 --> 01:28:48,021
I'm sorry to have to tell you
that Harvard College...
1155
01:28:48,089 --> 01:28:50,956
is this year's Collegiate
Mastermind champion.
1156
01:28:58,099 --> 01:29:00,761
Excuse me. Excuse me.
1157
01:29:11,145 --> 01:29:14,637
We all know what happened today.
1158
01:29:14,716 --> 01:29:20,245
We beat Harvard fair and square.
1159
01:29:20,321 --> 01:29:24,189
But they stole it from us.
1160
01:29:24,258 --> 01:29:27,250
Do you know why?
1161
01:29:27,328 --> 01:29:31,059
Because they fear us.
1162
01:29:31,132 --> 01:29:36,729
We're the beautiful bums.
We're the people's champions.
1163
01:29:43,344 --> 01:29:47,212
So let us be history's secret.
1164
01:30:40,835 --> 01:30:44,464
Are you sure I can do this?
I'm not even a student yet.
1165
01:30:46,274 --> 01:30:50,711
Don't worry, you're with me.
1166
01:30:50,778 --> 01:30:52,302
Ring it.
1167
01:31:18,539 --> 01:31:19,951
Leo?
1168
01:31:23,076 --> 01:31:24,476
Leo?
1169
01:31:36,190 --> 01:31:38,818
Where's he going?
1170
01:31:38,893 --> 01:31:40,224
Let's go down.
1171
01:31:40,294 --> 01:31:46,096
Hey, Leo! Where are you going?
1172
01:31:46,167 --> 01:31:48,260
Going back to being a civilian.
1173
01:31:48,336 --> 01:31:50,270
You're not a civilian.
1174
01:31:50,338 --> 01:31:55,139
Gonna get a job. I'm gonna pay
for my daughter's education.
1175
01:31:55,209 --> 01:32:02,081
And I'm going to find an
age-appropriate fox, and I mean that.
1176
01:32:05,820 --> 01:32:08,914
It's been a pleasure
making bad decisions with you.
1177
01:32:08,990 --> 01:32:12,153
I'll miss you, too.
1178
01:32:29,477 --> 01:32:32,071
Take care. Cut your hair.
1179
01:32:55,937 --> 01:32:58,497
Please don't cut your hair.
1180
01:32:58,573 --> 01:33:03,272
Of course, I won't.
It protects my brain.
1181
01:33:04,478 --> 01:33:06,844
What did you say?
1182
01:33:06,914 --> 01:33:10,111
Nothing.
1183
01:33:27,134 --> 01:33:30,126
Excuse me.
1184
01:33:47,221 --> 01:33:48,347
Uh, Miss?
1185
01:34:30,097 --> 01:34:34,500
What do you think the future
of this Whittman team will be?
1186
01:34:34,568 --> 01:34:38,004
I think the sky
is the limit for these...
1187
01:34:38,072 --> 01:34:40,165
for these fine...
fine, young kids.
1188
01:34:40,241 --> 01:34:45,201
I think I see a lot of,
uh, big jobs in their future.
1189
01:34:45,279 --> 01:34:48,112
I see maybe perhaps a couple
internet start-ups.
1190
01:34:48,182 --> 01:34:49,945
I see a Nobel Prize or two.
1191
01:34:50,017 --> 01:34:52,383
I see some... some... some, uh...
1192
01:34:52,453 --> 01:34:54,717
I see some... some trash
collecting work.
1193
01:34:54,989 --> 01:34:57,457
Some of them, obviously, they're
not gonna excel like the others.
1194
01:34:57,525 --> 01:34:59,686
Some of them
were injured too much.
1195
01:34:59,760 --> 01:35:02,627
They're gonna waste it. There's
gonna be some drug problems.
1196
01:35:02,697 --> 01:35:07,259
But by and large, I see a lot
of these kids making it big...
1197
01:35:07,334 --> 01:35:11,361
if they don't,
you know, hit the pipe.
1198
01:35:11,439 --> 01:35:13,703
Well, that's all
from Poughkeepsie.
1199
01:35:13,774 --> 01:35:15,674
You keep learning, America.
1200
01:35:15,743 --> 01:35:17,005
You do it.
1201
01:35:18,305 --> 01:35:24,184
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