Original subtitles

Alright, young man, what do we got here?

Let's see.

[ Metal snips ] Ooh, yeah.

[ Sighs ] I'll take the clips.

[ Metal snips ]

You're all set.

Finally.

Dr. Tony, I think it's fair to say

you and I have had our ups and downs.

I don't know who encouraged you into this damn field,

but you're a terrible orthodontist, sir.

Well, I'm very sorry to hear that.

Obviously, my mother meant well,

but didn't do her due diligence.

Seven years is a long time to wear braces, sir.

I've watched your damn kids grow up,

and they're the only reason

I'm not writing you a bad Yelp review.

But thankfully, my life begins today,

despite your ass.

Alright, Chad. That's enough. Thanks.

My lollipop, please.

[ Sighs ]

Move, Tony.

♪

♪

♪

There he is!

Well, hello, hello, Mr. Freshman!

Are you excited to show people your new mouth?

Yep, pretty huge day for me.

I think people will finally see me for who I really am.

Are we sure that's a good thing? Die.

I have a little something I want to talk to you about, Chad,

but it can wait until after school.

Mom's dating someone.

Or we can do it now.

You're dating someone behind Dad's back?

That's how divorce works. Yes, I am seeing someone.

We don't need to get into the details right now.

He's Muslim. His name's Ikrimah.

Niki, stay out of my Match.com profile.

I told you, your account needs more thirst traps.

And I told you I don't know what that is.

-Fantastic. -Hamid: I love the name Ikrimah.

It means "female pigeon."

What the dick are we even talking about right now? Hey!

You're dating a Muslim guy?

Chad, you do realize we're technically Muslim.

Yeah, we're Muslim enough. We don't need people thinking

that's, like, our whole thing.

What is your problem with our heritage?

I'm embarrassed by it and I'd like to fit in.

I've made that very clear to you.

If you wanted us to be so Muslim,

you should've raised us in freakin' Ramalaladadan.

Where?

You're just mad that you're a late bloomer

and Mom's getting more action than you.

Niki, no offense,

but you are a whore.

Chad! I said no offense! God.

Alright, let's go over this again.

I won't mention to anyone your braces came off.

Yes, just let them discover it organically, okay?

Let them just kinda find that joy on their own.

Got it.

Good, 'cause today is important.

Alright, we can't have another junior high situation.

I loved junior high.

Peter, you were voted most likely to be kidnapped.

-That was cool. -That was not cool.

Okay? We can't be losers anymore.

We don't have any friends. We never talk to girls.

We didn't go to a single party this summer.

We had that party at my house.

That was a brunch, Peter!

That your mom had for your aunt!

And you came late. I was just sitting

in a living room with a bunch of middle-aged ladies.

I-I actually think it was a baby shower.

I think it was, yeah.

This is what I'm talking about!

You need to dream bigger.

Okay, today's the first day of high school,

and I want to be popular.

Why?

Because fitting in rocks.

Oh! My body -- My body is stuck.

Hey, I'm -- I'm not entirely in the bus yet.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Hey, Denise. How was your break?

You still have chronic fatigue syndrome?

It's chronic, so, yeah.

That sucks so hard.

If it makes you feel better,

a lot of people on the Internet say it's not even real.

Alright, let's do this!

[ Young Thug's "Sin" playing ]

♪ Ayy, ayy, I'm drippin' again

♪ The way that I drip this shit should be a sin ♪

♪ Ayy, ayy, divorce all my friends ♪

♪ I'm not a Migo, 'bout to trap out the Benz ♪

Hey! You can't do that in here.

It's actually a USB drive.

Oh...kay...

♪ Ayy, I think she a twin

♪ Plus she got red calamari skin ♪

♪ Ayy, you don't got no wins

Don't do that.

I'm very sorry.

♪ Let me pour up some Act, got some brand-new graffiti ♪

♪ It goin' down my back

♪ I got Chanel slippers, Gucci pennies ♪

♪ Baby girl, you can pick

Why the hell would you do that?

What-- What's up?

You hit our bottle, dude.

[ Chuckles ]

Derek's all pissed.

How do you know my name? Like, who are you?

I-I'm Chad.

My name's Chad.

Raul: That kid's disrespectful.

Are you okay?

Why did you let me do all of that?

[ Bell rings ] Ms. Wroblicky: Get your butts in a seat!

We're low on desks, folks.

What is happening? Sit.

Is this --

Am I supposed to sit like this?

Alright, roll call, let's go!

Fereydoon Amani!

It's Chad!

I legally changed it to Chad.

Can you not look at me?

Yeah, I was gonna look over here.

-James Barry. -Here.

-Hannah S. Clifton. -Here.

♪

[ Crying ]

[ Bangs ]

[ Exhales sharply ]

[ Whispering ] When was that?

It was in August. No!

Yeah. Geez.

You guys have a good summer?

-What? -I was just asking about summer.

'Cause she said something about August, and I was like,

"Oh, they're talking about summer."

I'm Chad.

-Who? are you? -Oh, I'm Chad.

You know me from we were in K through 8 together.

-Hey, babes. -Hey, Joey!

Oh, um, did you get that playlist I made?

I'm deejaying now, so...

It's actually going pretty well. Um, they're paying me, so...

Th-That's really -- That --

That's really just so exciting.

Yeah.

I'm -- I'm Chad.

I'm Joey.

Yep.

My name is Chad.

I, um, love music.[ Both chuckle ]

I love both radio and non-radio.

Have you guys heard of the Coachella Valley

Music and Arts Festival?

It's in California. Mm.

I'm either gonna go to it

or try to watch footage of it on the internet.

Jay-Z and Beyoncé.

Okay.

Anyways, um...

Oh, right -- are you guys coming over this weekend?

'Cause it's gonna be super intimate,

just like a handful of rad, interesting people.

-Yeah, I'll be there. -I'm down.

Okay. It's gonna be at 7:00, I think.

And it should go till like 11.

Um, I had sex.

Alice: What?

I, um, just...

I just had a little bit of sex this summer,

over summer break,

is what I was gonna tell you

when we were talking about summer earlier.

So, yeah, it was great.

Don't know what you guys did, but I had sex.

You had sex?

Full on. Yes.

With a female...

horny style.

You lost your virginity?

It's completely gone.

Well, why are you telling us this?

Just thought it was an interesting fun fact

about me and my summer and my lifestyle.

Do you -- Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

Yeah. [ Chuckles ]

That's cool.

Thanks, you guys.

[ Chuckles ]

Why did you tell people you had sex?

Same reason I do everything -- so people respect us

and let us into their social circles.

But you haven't even kissed a girl.

Peter, shut up! I know!

It's called panicking.

Whoo!

God, this day blows.

Ms. Wroblicky called me Fereydoon.

You know, I think Fereydoon's exotic.

Do you like being Persian?

I don't know, I mean, it's not as cool as being black,

but that comes with its own set of complications.

Blacks are great.

Yeah, they crush. Obviously.

Unh![ Whistle blows ]

Next station!

Hey, Chad, heard about your summer!

Yeah, pimp!

Gym Teacher: Chad! Go!

Yeah!

Thank you, Reid!

[ Quietly ] Chad! Chad!

Tell us, killer. What's it like to be a man?

Yeah. Tell us.

Oh, i-it's great.

Yeah, there was definitely a lot

of verbal consent and everything.

And obviously we were both blushing the whole time.

Legend. Yeah.

You know, we took turns.

A-At first she was the one having sex,

and then I was the one having sex.

And then we were having sex at the same time.

And then at the end, we both exploded.

Ohh, damn!

Sounds like she was after that D!

[ Chuckles ] Yeah, she really was.

And I was after that P --

That -- That V.

Aah! Meh!

Her genitals.

Like, what -- Like, what happened?

Um, she let me touch her butt

and, like, spit on her face and also --

[ Laughter ] Also, she also let me spit on her butt.

[ Laughs ] I know.

Everyone is taken aback when they hear the story.

[ Laughter ] Good job.

Thank you.

So much. [ Chuckles ]

Thank you.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Oh, my God, my bra's inside out.

Can you get that? It's Ikrimah. He's picking me up for a date.

I don't even know this person!

-Chad! -On a scale of 1 to 10,

just how Muslim will his physical situation be?

-Answer the door. -Just so I'm prepared!

Ugh!

You must be Chad. Nice to meet you.

I'm Ikrimah.

Y-You're Ikrimah?

Yeah. What's up, man?

Please welc--

Welcome to our home.

[ Crickets chirping ]

[ Clock ticking ]

[ Slurping loudly ]

Ahh!

I've heard a lot about you.

Thanks.

I-I like your clothing style.

You look like the freakin' star of Hollywood.

Thanks.

Hey!

Thanks for scoopin' me up.

Yeah --Can Ikrimah drive me to school,

since I don't have a dad in my life?

Uh, no, this is our third date.

I don't really think that's necessary.

There's violence on the bus. What?

Chad, can we talk about this later?

No, I-I can do it.

Right on.

Thank you.

S-So, is my mom doing

whatever it is she needs to be doing

to keep you happy?

-She's great, yeah. -That's awesome.

Can -- Can you actually drive into the entrance right here?

Is that allowed?

Yeah, no, they want us to do that.

Okay. Yeah, great.

Put on some tunes.

[ Hip-hop music playing ] Yep.

[ Horn honking ]

Just hit that horn.[ Honking continues ]

Great. Yeah, this is great.

-Yeah, right here. -Right here, yeah?

Yeah, that's awesome.

Sick chatting with you about

things important to both of us, man!

[ Bangs on hood ] I love you!

That's Ikrimah.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ To tune of Maroon 5's "This Love" ]

♪ High school is time to have fun ♪

♪ And learn

♪ Try to behave

These teachers are really, really funny.

Look at their costumes. Freakin' hilarious.

♪ Ah, ah

♪ If you do not

♪ We'll feed you to the mascot ♪

Uh, hey, Chad?

This is for you.

♪ Ma-a-scot, ma-a-scot [ Laughter, cheers ]

Marjorie?

Isn't that the goth girl that calls teachers by their first name?

She probably just has some sort of school help question.

Girl: Ow! Hey, guys...

♪

Hey, Marjorie, I...

got your feminine napkin.

Get over here.

Ch-Chair's broken.

Heard about your summer.

It sounds a lot like my summer.

Okay.

At least there's one boy at this school I can talk to

who gets it.

Who understands that first feeling of intimacy

and the incessant need for more that follows.

For sure.

It was an incredible opportunity,

and I'm definitely gonna do it again,

But it's actually now time for me to focus on my academics.

Why don't you come over tonight?

What?

My address is on the back.

What are we gonna do?

♪

[ Dramatic notes play ]

Wow.

What are you gonna do?

Well, she wants sex,

so obviously we're both gonna go to her house

and we're both gonna have sex with her.

Probably one at a time.

I'm definitely not going. She scares me.

What are you talking about? I'm going, and I'm not scared.

You sure? I think you're freaking out

'cause your lie is getting out of control.

My lie is the best thing that ever happened to us,

and you know it, Peter.

You're just jealous.

I'm really not. I'm afraid of her.

Are you wearing leather shorts?

Yeah, they're my mom's.

Why are you wearing your mom's clothes?

My dad's clothes were too small for me.

Stop wearing your parents' clothes!

You're your own boy, Peter! Wear your clothes!

God!

Okay. Good luck tonight! Be safe!

[ Siren wailing ]

♪

♪

[ Doorbell rings ]

♪

Up here.

Found it.

[ Clears throat ]

Hey, Marjorie.

Do -- Do you live here alone?

I mean...basically.

Who feeds you?

♪

[ Liquid pouring ]

What's this?

Just some absinthe.

My ex-boyfriend brought me some back from Amsterdam.

Fuuuu--

Europe's awesome. [ Inhales sharply ]

Hey, real quick, do you mind if this night stays between us?

Yeah, alright.

Also, you should know,

um, I've had a lot of different kinds

of sexual intercourse, and sometimes,

honestly, my penis doesn't even come into play at all,

and I've still walked away being like,

"That -- That was good for me."

Yup, a-yup.

Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yop.

Why don't we put on some music?

[ Clears throat ]

Okeydokey.

Drink up.

[ Theme from "Punky Brewster" plays ]

♪

♪ Maybe the world is blind

♪ Or just a little unkind

[ Coughing ]

♪ Although

♪ You may be lonely and then Can I go to the bathroom?

What? [ Coughs ]

I just, I need to go to the bathroom.

The music is so loud.

♪ Every time I'm feeling a little weird

'cause the music's so loud, I just want to go --

[ Music stops, objects clatter ]

It's just so loud. It's so loud.

♪ I turn around

♪ I see the girl that turns my world around ♪

♪ Standing there You okay?

I'm really not.

♪ Every time I turn around

♪ Her spirit's lifting me right off the ground ♪You will be.

Chad.

♪ Guess we'll just wait and see ♪

What have you gotten yourself into?

♪ In my wildest dreams

♪ I've never seen anything

[ Echoing ] Look at me, Chad.

♪ Like this

Chad, do you like this?

♪ With some give and take

Oh, my God, it's all happening.

I'm having sex with this girl.

♪ Of magically making my day [ Music distorts ]

[ Shower running, siren wailing in distance ]

[ Dramatic note plays ]

[ Up-tempo rock music plays ]

♪

Aah!

[ Sobbing ] God, where am I?!

[ Soft music playing ][ Door opens ]

[ Heavy rock music playing ]

[ Screams, sobs ]

♪

Sorry.

[ Sniffling ][ Knock on door ]

Chaddy joon, is everything alright?

Go away, Uncle Hamid.

Okay, bye.

Stay with me! Okay.

[ Sobs ]

What happened, Chad?

I was tricked into being a booty call

and I'm freaking out now and I want --

I want my mommy.

It's okay, Chad.

Your mommy is kissing right now,

but I am here for you.

[ Sobbing ]

Listen, I don't totally understand your situation yet,

but let me tell you something.

When I was dating multiple women in post-revolution Iran,

things became... very messy.

Everyone was tricking each other.

Tricking, tricking.

I'm tricking you, I'm tricking you.

No, you are my friend. No, you're not my friend.

[ Groans ] You are tricking me again.

Ultimately, it is always the trickster

who pays the highest price.

[ Sobbing ] What are you talking about?!

I'm saying you will be alright --I don't understand.

What happened?

Chad's booty was called tonight

and he is very upset about it.

Alright, Hamid. Thank you.

[ Sobbing ]

Okay, let's stay calm.

Walk me through what happened.

You were with a girl?

Yes, and she's too fast for me.

A-And I blacked out right as she was mounting my body.

Wait, you blacked out?

So you're not exactly sure what happened?

[ Whining ] Stop grilling me!

[ Sobs ] I don't remember anything!

Except that I'm a liar, I'm a big old liar,

and now I'm probably a father.

Honey. I don't wanna be a father!

Wait, we can fix this.

I'll call her mom.

No, I'll kill you! Okay!

I don't even know if she has a mom!

She just has a neighbor

and a debit card.

She doesn't even use a backpack.

She just comes to class [sobs]

with a b-broken pencil and a ripped piece of paper.

Have you ever heard of such a terrifying thing?!

I just want to play video games with Peter!

[ Sobbing hysterically ]

Come here. Come here, baby.

Oh, sweetheart.

I brought you water.

That's very nice of you, Niki.

Chad, you want to say thank you?

I don't really like water, but fine.

Get out of here, you li-little dipshit.

Chad.

I'm sorry about whatever happened, sweetie.

Being a teenager can be really tough.

It's horrifying.

Now, tomorrow morning, I want you to go up to this girl

and get the full story of what happened.

We can go from there. Okay?

Okay.

Please turn on my Fortnite light.

Okay.

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

♪

[ Sniffles ]

♪

Hey, Marjorie.

Your bedsheets. Thanks.

Not really sure why you took those.

You were fully clothed.

It was very disorienting waking up like that.

Listen, Marjorie, I'd give anything for you

to tell me nothing happened, but I have to ask you.

Did we have sex? Are you pregnant?

How do we know I'm the dad?

Chad, you passed out. We didn't have sex.

What? We didn't have sex.

I can tell you're saying that to make me feel better.

And it's working. Thank you.

It's the truth.

Hey, thank you.

Don't wink at me.

♪

You're a good girl.

No, I'm not.

I was thinking maybe like the fashion club or the chess club

or something like that. Oh. I see that for you.

Just want to hear --Hey, Peter.

Denise.

So, did you have sex?

How was it?

I did have sex. It was intense.

You should know, though,

that we have decided not to tell people.

So don't tell anyone.

Unless you want to.

Wow.

I feel like you're lying.

Denise, don't. Don't be like that.

Reid: Hey, Chad! Hop in.

Looks like Reid wants me to join him on a stolen golf cart.

That's exciting.

I promise I'll come back for you guys, probably.

Here you go, dawg. Help yourself.

Thanks.

Ooh, worms!

Damn! You're a professional.

I trip balls from just like half of one.

What?

That's weed, dude.

Ugh!

Raul: What are you doing?

Ugh! Ugh!

See you guys later.

[ Black Cats' "Jooneh Khodet" playing ]

♪

♪

♪

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