Original subtitles

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yes ♪

♪ Yes ♪

♪ Yes ♪

♪ Yes ♪

♪ Yes ♪

♪ Yes ♪

♪ Yes ♪

♪ Yes ♪

♪ Yes ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

I believe in the church of baseball.

I've tried all the major religions and most of the minor ones.

I've worshipped Buddha, Allah, Brahma, Vishnu,

Shiva, trees, mushrooms, and Isadora Duncan.

I know things.

For instance, there are 108 beads in a Catholic rosary,

and there are 108 stitches in a baseball.

When I learned that, I gave Jesus a chance.

But it just didn't work out between us.

The Lord laid too much guilt on me.

I prefer metaphysics to theology.

You see, there's no guilt in baseball, and it's never boring.

Which makes it like sex.

There's never been a ballplayer slept with me who didn't have the best year of his career.

Making love is like hitting a baseball.

You just gotta relax and concentrate.

Besides, I'd never sleep with a player hitting under .250,

unless he had a lot of RBIs or was a great glove man up the middle.

You see, there's a certain amount of life wisdom I give these boys.

I can expand their minds.

Sometimes when I've got a ballplayer alone,

I'll just read Emily Dickinson or Walt Whitman to him.

And the guys are so sweet. They always stay and listen.

Of course, a guy'll listen to anything if he thinks it's foreplay.

I make them feel confident,

and they make me feel safe.

And pretty.

Of course, what I give them lasts a lifetime.

What they give me lasts 142 games.

Sometimes it seems like a bad trade,

but bad trades are part of baseball.

I mean, who can forget Frank Robinson for Milt Pappas, for God's sake?

It's a long season, and you gotta trust it.

I've tried them all, I really have,

and the only church that truly feeds the soul, day in, day out,

is the church of baseball.

♪ One, two, three o'clock Four o'clock rock ♪

♪ Five, six, seven o'clock Eight o'clock rock ♪

♪ Nine, ten, eleven o'clock Twelve o'clock rock ♪

♪ We're gonna rock Around the clock tonight ♪

♪ Put your glad rags on Join me, hon ♪

♪ We'll have some fun When the clock strikes one ♪

♪ We're gonna rock Around the clock tonight ♪

♪ We're gonna rock, rock, rock Till broad daylight ♪

♪ We're gonna rock We're gonna rock around the clock tonight ♪

Whoops!

♪ When the clock strikes Two, three, and four ♪

♪ If the band slows down We'll yell for more ♪

♪ We're gonna rock Around the clock tonight ♪

Hey, Skip, that Max is a hell of a guy.

Where's Ebby?

-Ain't he warming up yet? -No.

His professional debut tonight, and he forgets about it.

Better find our bonus baby, eh?

You seen Ebby?

Nope.

Ebby!

Oww!

Jesus.

Game starts in four minutes. Why ain't you warm?

-I am warm. -Jesus, Ebby!

This is your professional debut tonight.

Million guys give their left nut to be in your shoes,

and you're leaving your fastball in the locker room for some piece of ass!

Skip!

It is me. I am not some quote-piece of ass-unquote.

Oh. Millie.

Geez. Sorry.

Didn't recognize you.

Uh, don't take this personal, Millie,

but if I catch you in here again, you're banned from the ballpark.

You can't ban me from the ballpark 'cause my daddy donated that scoreboard,

and if you ban me he just might take that scoreboard away.

Well, what do we need a scoreboard for?

We ain't scored any runs all year.

Now, you get your ass out there!

Hey, boss, I got a question.

What?

Do you think I need a nickname? I think I need a nickname.

We were talking about it. All the great ones have nicknames.

Like Oil Can, Catfish – What was the one you were –

-Pokey. -Yeah. What do you think of Pokey?

You got three minutes.

Goddamn son-of-a-bitchin' motherfuckin' shithead!

-Time for another quickie. -Jesus.

You got a game to pitch.

We got three minutes.

Come on, folks.

Let's hear it for Max Patkin, the clown prince of baseball.

Let's go! Come on!

And now, the greatest show on dirt,

your own Durham Bulls!

I'm there.

I'm ready.

And now, WRDU Radio presents the voice of the Durham Bulls, Teddy Garland.

The Bulls are off to a slow start, having dropped their first three games,

but hope to turn it around tonight with the professional debut

of heralded young pitcher Ebby Calvin LaLoosh.

Let's play ball! Play ball!

Millie, you gotta stay out of the clubhouse. You're gonna get everybody in trouble.

I got lured.

You did not get lured. Women do not get lured. They are too strong and powerful for that.

Now say it. "I did not get lured. I accept full responsibility for my actions."

I did not get lured. I accept full responsibility for my actions.

That's better. Okay. Now, you got your radar ready?

-Ready. -Go to it.

Stepping in for the Peninsula White Sox is lead-off hitter Willie Foster.

The word on LaLoosh here is that the good-lookin' young pitcher has a major-league fastball,

but sometimes has problems with his control.

Oh, my – Damn!

One ball, no strikes to Willie Foster.

That's right, kid! Come on! If you can't strike him out, just kill him!

- Come on! - Here we go! Settle down!

No problem, Ebby, no problem! Go get him! One-two-three, babe! Go get 'em, big guy!

Ninety-five miles an hour.

Why, that's great. He looks just great.

Take your base, man!

Stepping in for the Peninsula White Sox,

second baseman Allen Powley.

What's it say?

It says he's not bending his back on his follow-through.

Scotty!

Baby, take this to Ebby Calvin.

All right, honey, let's get down to it. How was Ebby Calvin LaLoosh?

Well, he fucks like he pitches – sorta all over the place.

♪ One, two, three o'clock Four o'clock rock ♪

♪ Five, six, seven o'clock Eight o'clock rock ♪

♪ Nine, ten, eleven o'clock Twelve o'clock rock ♪

♪ We're gonna rock Around the clock tonight ♪

♪ Put your glad rags on Join me, hon ♪

♪ We'll have some fun When the clock strikes one ♪

♪ We're gonna rock Around the clock tonight ♪

♪ We're gonna rock, rock, rock Till broad daylight ♪

♪ We're gonna rock, we're gonna rock Around the clock tonight ♪

My!

Ow!

He walked 18.

New league record.

-Struck out 18. -Another new league record.

In addition, he hit the sportswriter,

the public address announcer, the Bull mascot twice.

Also new league records.

But, Joe. . .

this guy's got some serious shit.

-Yeah. Yeah. -Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Serious shit, yes.

Who are you? Who's he?

I'm the player to be named later.

Crash Davis? I'm Joe Riggins.

And you, Larry Hockett, should recognize me

'cause five years ago in the Texas League,

you were pitching for El Paso, I was hitting cleanup for Shreveport.

You hung a curveball on an 0-2 pitch in a 3-2 game in the bottom of the eighth,

and I tattooed it. . .

over the Michelin Tire sign and beat you 4-3.

I remember. I shoulda throwed a slider. Damn, Crash, how you doing, man?

I'm too old for this shit.

Why the hell am I back in "A" ball?

'Cause of Ebby Calvin LaLoosh.

Big club's got a hundred grand in him.

He's got a million-dollar arm, but a five-cent head.

Had a gun on him tonight.

The last five pitches he threw were faster than the first five.

He's got the best young arm I've seen in 30 years.

You've been around. You're smart. You're a professional.

We want you to mature the kid.

We want you to room with him on the road,

stay on his case all year.

- He can go all the way. - Yeah?

Where can I go?

You can keep going to the ballpark and keep gettin' paid to do it.

-Beats the hell out of working at Sears. -Sears sucks, Crash.

Boy, I once worked there. I sold Lady Kenmores.

Nasty. Ooh, nasty work.

And even if it is the Carolina League, this is a chance to play every day.

You don't want a player. You want a stable pony.

No.

While my triple-A contract gets bought out

so I can hold the Flavor-of-the-Month's dick in the bus leagues.

Is that it? Well, fuck this fucking game!

I fucking quit.

All right? I quit.

-Who do we play tomorrow? -Winston-Salem.

Batting practice 11 :30.

So how's it feel to get your first professional win?

It feels out there. Um, it's a major rush.

I mean it doesn't just feel out there. It feels out there. You know?

Um, it's kinda radical in a kind of tubular way. You know?

But most of all, it's out there.

This is hopeless.

This is utterly fucking hopeless.

♪ Only a memory ♪

♪ Of what our love was going to be ♪

♪ Only a memory ♪

♪ Now that we are history ♪

Hey. I'm Millie.

-I'm Tony. I play second base. -I know.

Max, how do you just keep coming back every year?

Because I love the game, Annie. I love it.

-Here you go. -We didn't order these, honey.

-He did. -Who?

The guy in the booth.

Who's that?

That's Crash Davis.

Hey, Crash, come here.

Come over here.

He's kinda cute.

He's played in more ballparks than I have.

Hell of a guy.

You know, he's really different.

I actually saw him read a book without pictures once.

-Hi, Max. -How you doing, Crash?

Come on over and sit down.

I'm Crash.

Annie Savoy.

-Wanna dance? -I don't dance.

How embarrassin'.

♪ Born to be bad ♪

- Really? - What is that?

♪ Born to be bad ♪

♪ Now, when I reached 21 I knew the time had come ♪

♪ I had that old ramblin' itch ♪

♪ They're glad to see me go 'Cause the little girls should know ♪

Who's he dancing with?

All of them, I think.

♪ Get away The ones that didn't ain't around today ♪

♪ The sweetest piece of lovin' Any girl ever had ♪

♪ Leave it to me, boys I was born to be bad ♪

♪ Oh, born to be bad ♪

-You Annie Savoy? -Uh-huh.

Thanks for your note. You're right. I wasn't bending my back.

-You got a live arm there. -Thanks.

Uh, Ebby Calvin LaLoosh.

You need a nickname, honey.

You know, I've been telling everybody that.

-You want to dance? -Yeah.

She's, uh, dancing with me.

Afraid not, pal.

You boys gonna fight over little ol' me?

♪ Born to be bad ♪

-No. -Let's go.

Let's step outside and party, man.

Oh, don't be such guys.

-Come on, Max. Let's dance. -Oh, sure.

♪ If you want some lovin', yeah ♪

♪ That I'll give to you ♪

You coming or not, homeboy?

♪ If you want some huggin', baby ♪

♪ I can hug some too ♪

♪ Yes, yes, uh-huh ♪

♪ Wow! All I want, baby, is some ♪

Let's go, man, let's go! Come on, we're waiting!

- Let's go, homeboy! - Come on, Ebby. There he is.

-Send him back up. -Yeah!

♪ Yes, yes, me too ♪

♪ 'Cause you know you're my kind ♪

Look, I don't believe in fighting. All right? Let's just –

Whoo!

That's really sweet. I don't believe –

Fuck you, you pussy.

All right. Take the first shot at me.

No way, man. I don't hit no man first.

All right, then.

Hit me in the chest with that.

-Fastball. -I'd kill you.

Yeah? From what I hear, you couldn't hit water if you fell out of a fuckin' boat.

Ow!

Throw it, man.

Throw it. Come on. Right in the chest.

-No way. -Come on, Meat.

You're not gonna hit me 'cause you're startin' to think about it already. Huh?

Startin' to think how embarrassing it would be to miss in front of all these people,

how somebody might laugh.

Come on, rook. Show us that million-dollar arm. 'Cause I got a –

Well, I got a good idea about that five-cent head of yours.

-Nail him, man. -Drop him.

Fuck!

Ball four.

Who the fuck are you, man?

♪ Oh, what a thrill, yeah ♪

Good punch.

I'm Crash Davis, I'm your new catcher, and you just got lesson number one.

Don't think. It can only hurt the ball club.

Wanna come inside, I'll buy you a drink.

No problem.

He's my new catcher.

♪ Yes, yes ♪

♪ Don't you know you got time ♪

♪ And I want you to be mine, whoa ♪

♪ I idolize you ♪

We fight, she gets the clown. How's that happen?

-♪ Yes, I idolize you ♪ -God, I like this song.

♪ Let me idolize you ♪

All right!

♪ Let me idolize you ♪

♪ Let me idolize you ♪

Hey, Max! Come over here!

You boys stop fighting?

Pals now?

That's good.

I love a little macho male bonding.

I think it's sweet. I do.

Even if it probably is latent homosexuality being rechanneled.

I'm all for rechanneling. So who cares, right?

Mmm.

Okay, shall we go to my place?

Which one of us?

Well, both of you, of course.

These are the ground rules.

I hook up with one guy a season.

Usually takes me a couple of weeks to pick the guy.

Kinda my own spring training.

And, well, you two are the most promising prospects of the season so far.

So I just thought we should kinda get to know each other.

Time out.

Why do you get to choose?

-What? -Why do you get to choose?

I mean, why don't I get to choose? Why doesn't he get to choose?

Well, actually, nobody on this planet ever really chooses each other.

I mean, it's all a question of quantum physics, molecular attraction, and timing.

There are laws we don't understand that bring us together and tear us apart.

It's like pheromones.

You get three ants together, they can't do dick.

You get 300 million of them, they can build a cathedral.

So, is somebody gonna to go to bed with somebody or what?

Honey, you are a regular nuclear meltdown. You better cool off.

Well, where are you going?

After 12 years in the minor leagues, I don't try out.

Besides, uh, I don't believe in quantum physics when it comes to matters of the heart.

What do you believe in then?

Well, I believe in the soul,

the cock, the pussy,

the small of a woman's back,

the hanging curveball, high fiber, good Scotch,

that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap.

I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone.

I believe there oughta be a constitutional amendment

outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter.

I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography,

opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve,

and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.

Good night.

Oh, my.

Crash.

Hey, Annie, what's all this molecule stuff?

Crash.

Crash, wait.

Look, alls I want is a date. I'm not gonna fall in love with you or nothin'.

I'm not interested in a woman who's interested in. . . that boy.

Good night.

-Well, I'm not interested yet. -Who you calling a boy?

See you at the yard, Meat.

Damn. Nobody's ever said no to a date with me before.

He's crazy.

I want you bad.

Honey, hold on. Slow down.

I want to watch.

Go ahead. Put it back on.

Jesus. What kind of chick are you?

When you know how to make love, then you'll know how to pitch.

I know how to pitch.

Good.

Now take it off. . . slowly.

♪ Je vois la vie en rose ♪

♪ Il me dit des mots d'amour ♪

That's nice.

♪ Il est entré dans mon cœur ♪

Oh!

Oh, my! What a nice back.

Honey, s –

Sweetheart, sweetheart, try –

Try taking off your shoes and socks first.

My socks? It's cold in here.

What?

You think Dwight Gooden leaves his socks on?

♪ Et dès que je l'aperçois ♪

♪ Alors je sens en moi ♪

♪ Mon cœur qui bat ♪

♪ Des nuits d'amour à plus finir ♪

♪ Un grand bonheur qui prend sa place ♪

♪ Des ennuis, des chagrins s'effacent ♪

♪ Heureux, heureux à en mourir ♪

Ebby, honey. . .

♪ Quand il me prend dans ses bras ♪

have you ever been tied up in bed?

♪ Je vois la vie en rose ♪

Whoo-hoo! Bring it on, baby!

-I heard about shit like this. -Yeah?

-You ever heard about Walt Whitman? -Who's he play for?

-He sort of pitches for the cosmic all-stars. -Never heard of him.

Oh, good. Listen to this.

"I sing the body electric.

The armies of those I love engirth me, and I engirth them.

They will not let me off till I go with them, respond to them,

and discorrupt them and charge them full with the charge of the soul.

But the expression of a well-made man appears not only in his face.

It is in his limbs and joints also.

-Excuse me. -It is –"

Are we gonna fuck, or what?

"It is curiously in the joints of his hips and wrists,

love flesh swelling and deliciously aching,

limitless limpid jets of love, hot and enormous."

Yeah, yeah. Charlie Kidman.

Listen up, guys.

- Can I have your attention a minute? - No!

Gonna be leading a daily chapel service here in the locker rooms at 3:00 in the afternoon.

Amen, brother! Amen!

Y'all are invited to stop on by and worship before batting practice.

Jimmy, goddamn it, loosen up and get laid.

Yeah!

I know you all think I'm pretty square, but, uh –

-Aww! No, come on! -I believe what I believe.

Here we go.

Jesus, Ebby. You look like a truck ran over you, man.

Nuke. Call me Nuke.

Annie says that's my new nickname.

Okay, Nuke.

Go get 'em, Nuke.

Annie nailed you? That's great. That means you're gonna have a great year.

Is she, uh, as good as they say?

No, man, we didn't fuck.

No, she read poetry to me all night.

It was more tiring than fucking.

"Limpid jets of love."

Hey – Hey, Crash.

Does that mean what I think it means?

"Limpid jets of love"?

Your shower shoes have fungus on them.

You'll never make it to the bigs with fungus on your shower shoes.

Think classy, you'll be classy.

If you win 20 in the show,

you can let the fungus grow back on your shower shoes,

and the press'll think you're colorful.

Until you win 20 in the show, however, it means you're a slob.

Y'all don't forget, Saturday is Bull Day

down at the Northgate Mall.

Strike!

Whoa! Too bad, Butch. Too bad.

Charge!

You're not getting that cheese by me, Meat.

And now batting for the Bulls, number 8, Crash Davis.

Batter up.

Foul ball!

Foul –

Stupid fuck, Crash. What are you swinging at a breaking ball for?

Fuck me.

Usually starts me off with the hammer.

You're thinking too much, Crash. You're thinking too much.

Get out of your fuckin' head. Don't let him in your kitchen.

Come on, Crash. Just relax. You got it, honey.

All right, here we go now. Stay back. Relax.

Quick bat. Quick bat, quick ba –

Foul ball!

Throw that shit again, Meat. You throw that weak-ass shit again.

Okay, just got a piece of it there. You got it. You got it.

One more, baby. One more. You got him. Come on, Crash.

All right, he's gonna throw the deuce now. Okay?

He's gotta waste one.

Stay back and wipe that silly grin off his face.

Come on, bring it. Bring it.

- Hey! - Jesus Christ!

What was that? What the hell was that?

Okay, babe. What goes around comes around!

Son of a bitch throws hard.

It's okay, Crash. You take it easy, honey.

Go, Crash!

All right. 1 and 2. You can hit this shit. Relax.

Annie.

Annie? Annie?

Who's this Annie?

Jesus. Get out of the box, you idiot. Where's your head?

Get the broad out of your head!

- Time out. - Time out!

Take your time.

Give me a rag.

Get a hit, Crash.

Shut up.

Come on, baby!

All right, you've seen all his pitches.

You've seen them all.

Just shorten up, Crash.

Now bring me the gas, kid.

-Bring me the gas. -Bring me the gas.

Quick bat, quick bat, quick bat, qui –

Stree!

Scotty, baby, take this to Crash.

Folks, we have a little lost girl up here.

Says her name is Lyda Anne Baker.

-She'll be waiting at the main ticket box. . . -Give it to Crash.

for her daddy, Cedar Baker.

Cedar, come on, get your little girl.

-Crash? -What?

Note from Annie.

Read it.

"Dear Crash, You have a lovely swing,

but you're pulling your hips out too early.

I'd be happy to meet with you tomorrow at the batting cage to discuss it."

Signed Annie.

Well, if there was one chick who'd know you're pulling your hips out early, it'd be Annie.

It's kind of a personal note, kid, so don't read it.

There you go.

Here, Millie.

What's it say?

It says, "I want to make love to you. Crash."

Oh, my.

-You see my hips? -Yep.

And I think Susan Sontag is brilliant.

So is this gonna happen? Us?

I'm committed to Nuke for the season.

Oh.

You had your chance the other day.

What is it that you see in this guy?

I mean, he's a young, wild. . .

dim, pretty boy.

Young men are uncomplicated.

And he's not dim.

He's just inexperienced.

It's my job to give him life wisdom and to help him get on to the major leagues.

Well, that's funny. That's my job too.

Damn!

-You're pulling your hips. -I know, I know, I know.

But they're nice hips.

-I looked up your records. -You what?

Mm-hmm. You hit 227 home runs in the minors.

That's not bad.

-Don't tell anybody. -Why not?

You hit 20 more this year, you're gonna be the all-time minor league champ.

The record's 246.

Well, 247 home runs in the minor leagues would be a kind of dubious honor.

I think it would be great. The Sporting News should know about it.

No. Would you – No. Just, no.

Please.

Okay.

Last chance.

Your place or mine?

Despite my rejection of most Judeo-Christian ethics,

I am, within the framework of the baseball season,

monogamous.

-Give me a break. -It's true.

Stop it.

Geez –

The fact is, you're afraid of meeting a guy like me 'cause it might be real.

So. . . you sabotage it with some, uh, what is it, bullshit

about commitment to a young boy you can boss around.

That's a great deal.

Nice.

I know women like you.

I know women like you.

You're a regular patron saint. You know?

Stray cats. . .

lost causes, or 6' 3" homeless studs.

Oh, Crash, you do make speeches.

Oh, my!

Oh! Crash, that was fabulous.

Crash?

You mean Nuke. You said Crash.

Hmm? No, honey.

No, I didn't. I said –

I said Nuke.

-You said Crash. -Oh, no, I didn't.

Listen, sweetheart, you shouldn't listen to what a woman says

when she's in the throes of passion.

They say the darnedest things.

Yeah. You said Crash.

Honey, would you rather I be making love to him using your name,

or making love to you using his name?

Huh? Hmm? Hmm?

Hmm? Hmm?

-Yeah, maybe you're right. -Uh-huh.

Welcome to the Eastern Seaboard Tobacco Growers City Council

Little League Cash Drop Day.

These young fellas – young men, I should say, over here to my left –

Hi, 18. Hi, 12.

Hey, Dino.

Hey, Millie.

Hey. I'm Millie.

I'm married.

He doesn't mean it, Millie.

Yeah. Yeah.

-What is that? -Chicken bone cross.

Takes the curse off the bat and brings me hits.

What are you? A goddamn witch?

Yes.

A switch-hitting witch.

Will that work for me?

If you believe in voodoo.

José, I am zero for 16.

A big, fucking doughnut hole for 16.

I can't remember the last time I had a base hit.

-Come on. Let me have some of that stuff. -Man, that is not belief.

-That's desperation. -José!

Come on. Just touch my bat once.

Come on. Just once.

I won't bother you the rest of the day, I swear to God. Just touch the bat once.

Ladies and gentlemen, five, four,

three, two, one!

Let 'er go!

One thousand big ones!

Come on, Nuke.

This batter ain't nothin'. Come on, Nuke.

-Come on, Nuke, nice and easy. -Okay, Nuke.

Cut it!

Time out.

Let's play ball! Come on!

- One down. - Stay there.

Give me the ball. Give me the ball.

Hey.

Relax, all right? Don't try to strike everybody out.

Strikeouts are boring. Besides that, they're fascist.

Throw some ground balls.

- Play ball! - It's more democratic.

What's this guy know, anyway?

If he's so great, how come he's been in the minors for ten years?

If he's so hot, how come Annie wants me instead of him?

Oh, hey.

And another thing, Meat. You don't know shit. All right?

You wanna make it to the show, you'll listen to me.

Annie only wants you 'cause she can boss you around. Got it?

So relax. Let's have some fun out here. This game's fun. Okay?

It's fun, goddamn it.

And don't hold the ball so hard. Okay? It's an egg.

Hold it like an egg.

All right, let's play ball! Come on!

What does he know about fun?

I'm young. I know about fun.

He's an old man. He don't know nothin' about fun.

All right, nobody's gone out there.

Why is he calling for a curveball?

I wanna bring heat.

Shake him off. Throw what you want.

Goddamn it. Time out.

Hey!

Why are you shaking me off? Huh?

I want to bring the heater to announce my presence with authority.

-To announce your what? -To announce my presence with authority.

You announce your fucking presence with authority?

This guy is a first-ball fastball hitter. He's looking for heat.

Oh, yeah? So what? He ain't seen my heat.

All right, Meat. Give him your heat.

Why is he always calling me Meat? I'm the guy driving a Porsche.

Fastball.

Come on, Nuke. Settle down, boy. Settle down. Take your time.

Home run for Burt Crooks of the Fayetteville Generals.

What are you doing? Huh? What are you doing standing here?

I give you a gift, you stand here, show up my pitcher?

Run, dummy!

Give me the ball.

Well, he really hit the shit out of that one, didn't he?

-I held it like an egg. -Yeah, and he scrambled the son of a bitch.

Look at that. He hit the fuckin' bull. Guy gets a free steak.

-You having fun yet? -Oh, yeah, I'm having a blast. Thanks.

Good.

God! Sucker teed off it like he knew I was gonna throw a fastball.

-He did know. -How?

I told him.

- All right, one down. - Still got nobody out.

Nuke, you're the man! No batter, no batter! Chuck hard, kid! You got him, baby!

Don't think. Just throw.

Don't think. Just throw.

Come on! You the man! You the man!

Chuck hard! Chuck hard! You got him! You got him! You got him!

Throw strikes!

- Stee! - That-a-way!

God, that was beautiful. What'd I do?

Hang on, Millie. Here we go again.

♪ I know I've been foolin' myself too long ♪

♪ I'm never right, but always wrong ♪

♪ Good-bye, baby, so long ♪

♪ You know you never let this thing catch on ♪

♪ You never let me be that strong ♪

♪ So long, baby, good-bye ♪

That's the first home run of the year for Crash Davis.

That brings the score up to Fayetteville 14, Durham 2.

Hell of a shot.

Sorry it got wasted.

Jesus. I don't know what to do with these guys.

I beg, I plead.

I try to be a nice guy. I'm a nice guy, but I don't –

-Scare 'em. -Huh?

They're kids. Scare 'em.

That's what I'd do.

Yeah.

Everybody into the shower!

Anybody ain't in this shower in 10 seconds gonna get fined $100!

-Larry! -One Mississippi!

Two Mississippi. Three Mississippi. Four Mississippi.

-Get in there! Hurry it up! -Five Mississippi. Six Mississippi.

Seven Mississippi. Eight Mississippi. Nine Mississippi. Ten Mississippi.

You guys!

You lollygag the ball around the infield.

You lollygag your way down to first!

You lollygag in and out of the dugout.

Do you know what that makes you? Larry.

-Lollygaggers. -Lollygaggers.

-What's our record, Larry? -Eight and 16.

Eight and 16.

How did we ever win eight?

-It's a miracle. -It's a miracle.

This is a simple game.

You throw the ball.

You hit the ball.

You catch the ball.

You got it?

Now, we have got a 12-day road trip starting tomorrow.

Bus leaves 6:00 in the morning.

Goddamn son-of-a-bitchin' motherfucking shitheads.

Goddamn it!

Yeah, Skipper, you wanted to see me?

Yeah, uh, Bobby.

Shut the door.

This is the toughest job a manager has,

but the organization has decided to make a change.

They're releasing you from your contract.

Skip, I know I'm in a goddamn slump, but I hit the ball hard today.

A couple of flares drop in for me, I'm right back in the groove.

Sorry.

Hey.

- Let's go. Come on. - Nuke?

Honey.

Let's go. Come on. We got five hours. Five-hour drive coming up.

Move your ass and get everything in. People are on, people are out.

Honey, I want you to wear these when you're pitching on the road.

-What are they? -They're garters.

They're gonna hug your waist and snuggle

and kinda dangle off your thighs and buns in such a wonderful way

that'll help you see things differently.

Plus, it'll remind you of me, which is a lot nicer than thinkin' about all those nasty hitters.

Jesus, Annie, I don't – I don't know.

You've been pitchin' out of the wrong side of your brain.

This'll help put things on the right side.

Big-league pitchers don't use these.

They did when they were in the Carolina League.

Nuke. Nuke.

Excuse me. Time to go to work.

Bye.

Mmm.

Bye, y'all.

-Bye. -Give me a break.

Bye. Go get 'em, boys. Hit 'em where they ain't.

♪ She may get woolly ♪

♪ Young girls, they do get woolly ♪

♪ 'Cause of all the stress ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ When they get woolly ♪

♪ Try a little tenderness, yeah ♪

Stop it.

Thank you.

-What? -It's not "woolly."

Nobody gets "woolly."

Women get weary. They don't get woolly.

Nobody's got stress. They're wearing a dress.

Goddamn, I hate people that get the words wrong.

How come you don't like me?

'Cause you don't respect yourself, which is your problem.

But you don't respect the game, and that's my problem.

You got a gift.

-What do I got? -You got a gift.

When you were a baby, the gods reached down and turned your right arm into a thunderbolt.

You got a hall-of-fame arm, but you're pissing it away.

I ain't pissin' nothing away.

I got a Porsche already. I got a 911 with a quadraphonic Blaupunkt.

Christ, you don't need a quadraphonic Blaupunkt.

What you need is a curveball. Huh?

In the show, everybody can hit a fastball.

Well, how would you know?

You been in the majors?

Yeah, I've been in the majors.

You were? Yeah? Where were you?

You've been in the show, man?

Yeah, I was in the show.

I was in the show for 21 days once.

Wow.

-The 21 greatest days of my life. -I'll bet.

You never handle your luggage in the show. Somebody else carries your bags.

It was great.

- You hit white balls for batting practice. - White balls!

And the ballparks are like cathedrals.

The hotels all have room service.

Room service?

And the women all have long legs and brains.

-They're really hot, huh? -Yeah, and so are the pitchers.

They throw ungodly breaking stuff in the show – exploding sliders.

You could be one of those guys. Nuke could be one of those guys.

But you don't give a fuck, Meat.

Listen, I'm sick and fucking tired of you calling me Meat.

-You want to step outside? -Yeah, I'll step outside.

Hey, hey, hey! Come on, Crash!

Man, come on! He was kidding!

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Back off, back off!

Come on. What's the problem? Crash. Crash. Nuke, what's happening, man?

I was just gonna ask Crash to show me how to throw a breaking ball.

Good idea. Good idea. Yeah. Anybody bring a ball? Let's get a ball.

Double off the wall by Higgins.

Once again, the Durham pitchers are unable to get the first out of the inning.

The Bulls will attempt to end a six-game losing streak

against the Greensboro Hornets with Nuke LaLoosh on the hill.

Base hit to center field off LaLoosh.

That closes the book on LaLoosh today.

Five earned runs, five hits, five strikeouts, five walks, and five wild pitches.

It's time to tell it like it is, sports fans.

This is the most wretched road trip I've seen in 20 years,

and possibly the worst Durham team in a half century.

Is the modern-day athlete a pale imitation of the great old warriors?

Only Crash Davis stands out this year.

Begging the question, what are these boys thinking about? 'Cause it sure ain't baseball.

Bench my ass. Bench me.

What's up with that? Ha!

Mr. Originality.

Hey, Mr. Hormone, check out this.

Ice skaters. God, look at 'em.

Hey, fellas, that's what we need, man.

One night with some of these skaters and we can get back on track.

Yeah, right.

We just need a night off to end our losing streak.

What we need is a rainout.

I can get us a rainout.

Man, there ain't been a cloud in the sky in weeks.

Hundred bucks says I can get us a rainout for tomorrow.

- You got it, man. - You're on!

I ain't paying for this. Crash, pay for this.

Shut up. You're gonna wake everybody up.

Let the bonus baby pay for it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Jesus, man.

-Geez! -Shit.

- What, man? - Shh! Quiet. Come here.

Hey, man, I'm 0 for 16.

I'm 0 for June!

Hey, Crash, what are you doing?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my goodness!

We got ourselves a natural disaster.

♪ Last night ♪

♪ I got loaded ♪

♪ On a bottle of gin ♪

♪ On a bottle of gin ♪

♪ Last night ♪

-Dive! -♪ I got loaded ♪

♪ On a bottle of gin ♪

-Come on, old man! -♪ On a bottle of gin ♪

-♪ But I feel all right ♪ -Whoo!

♪ I feel all right ♪

♪ I feel all right ♪

♪ Feel all right ♪

♪ Feel all right ♪

♪ She may be weary ♪

♪ Women do get weary ♪

♪ Wearin' the same old shabby dress ♪

♪ And when she's weary ♪

♪ Try a little tenderness ♪

Hey. Hey.

-Wake up. -Huh?

You're awake.

You're okay.

You were dreaming.

You're okay?

I was playing damn near naked.

-What? -I was naked.

Playing naked.

I know.

I know. I have that dream all the time too.

We're almost home.

All right, watch your head.

-Here you go. -Let me get that black bag.

-Here. -I'm not your slave.

-That's not your bag. -No, that one over there.

Need a ride?

Uh, yeah. You goin' my way?

Hi.

Whoa.

♪ I've been made blue ♪

♪ I've been lied to ♪

♪ When will I be loved? ♪

God, I'm tired.

What a trip.

I was lousy. I mean, I was worse than lousy.

Every time I pitched, it was like throwing gasoline on a fire.

-I mean, I – -What is all this "I, I, I" stuff?

What about me, huh? Aren't you glad to see me?

Don't I look nice?

You look great. I'm sorry.

-I'm just totally exhausted. -Well, good.

Physical exhaustion can be spiritually fabulous.

What you need is a good game of catch.

-Catch? -Mm-hmm.

Mmm-baby, mmm-baby, come on. Fire one in here.

This is ridiculous. I'm a professional.

Will you just give it a try and lean in?

Thank you.

Now, I want you to breathe through your eyelids.

-My eyelids? -Yeah.

Like the lava lizards of the Galápagos Islands.

See, there's some lizards have a parietal eye behind their heads so they can see backwards.

Haven't you ever noticed how Fernando Valenzuela, he just doesn't even look when he pitches?

He's a Mayan Indian. Or an Aztec. I forget which one. I get 'em confused.

-So do I. -Stand up for a second.

I want you to be aware of the chakra connection

-between your feet and your testicles. -Chakra?

Yeah, your right leg and your left testicle, and your left leg and your right testicle.

-I like that. -I bet you do.

Give me the ball. Come on. I'm tired of hearing this.

All right. Fire one in there! Come on.

Okay. . .

You're patronizing me, and I will not be patronized.

If I throw too hard, I'm gonna hurt the girl.

This girl has handled a lot of pitchers whose records are a lot better than 1 and 7.

-1 and 6. -Oh, sorry.

Give me the goddamn ball.

-How do you like that? -That was much better. Did you see that?

Because your delivery was fully integrated because you weren't thinking about it

'cause you were pissed off at me! Now that's progress.

Get your butt up here, and let's bend over and I'm gonna show you –

I give up. I give up.

Come on, let's go inside and make love

and fall asleep until it's time to go to the ballpark.

Or. . . we could just take all that sexual energy and. . .

kinda hold onto it for a few hours

and then rechannel it into your pitching tonight.

You're a powerful young thing, Ebby Calvin.

You want something for that sore shoulder?

Yeah, I want that shit that don't smell bad, all right?

- Well, it's on back order. - Give him some of that shit.

-Wha – -That's hot.

No, I mean it. That's very hot.

Annie says it'll keep one side of my brain occupied while I'm on the mound,

thus keeping my brain slightly off-center,

which is where it should be for artists and pitchers.

Okay.

She also – She also said that I should throw whatever pitches you call for.

Annie's a very smart lady.

What?

The rose goes in the front, big guy.

Now batting for the Salem Buffs,

center fielder Joe McCorkle.

This underwear feels kind of sexy.

Don't make me queer, right? Right.

Whoo!

Breaking ball.

-Yeah! -All right! Good way to start, baby!

Right.

I mean, I ain't queer. No, I ain't.

Fastball.

Stee!

Ninety-six miles an hour. He looks good. But why's he all twistin' up like that?

He's using his parietal eye, just like Fernando.

Ooh, that was a humdinger.

Come on.

Fastball again? Why's he want the heat? I just threw heat.

Don't think, Meat. Just give him the gas.

Out!

Geez. What's got into Nuke?

He's wearing garters, and he's breathing out of his eyelids like a lava lizard.

Old, uh, Mayan deal.

-Aztec. -Aztec deal.

Got it! I got it!

Way to go! Way to go!

-Had my mojo working! -You nuked 'em!

You know what a mojo is?

-Sure. -No, you don't.

I was great, huh?

Your fastball's up. Your curveball's hanging.

In the show, they would've ripped you.

-Can't you even let me enjoy the moment? -The moment's over.

Y'all, don't forget to try one of Uncle Fred's yummy red hots while you're here.

This guy starts me off with a breaking ball. . .

I'm taking him downtown.

He bad. He bad.

I dare you to throw me the hammer. You ain't that stupid.

Stepping up to the plate for Durham, our own Crash Davis.

Come on, put your hands together for Crash. Let's hear it!

Let's go.

Come on, Meat. Bring me that weak-ass shit, huh?

Bring it. Bring it. Bring it.

Oh, my.

Whoo!

2-nothing Bulls in the second. First time the Bulls have been ahead in weeks.

-Eh, Whitey? -Mm-hmm.

Let's see if the real Nuke LaLoosh will show up.

Bulls! Bulls!

Back! Back, back, back, back!

-Room! You got room! -Back!

You got room!

Out!

What are you doing out here? I'm cruising, man.

I want you to throw the next one at the mascot.

Why? I'm finally throwing it where I want to throw it.

Just throw it at the bull, all right?

Trust me.

He's the boss.

A staggering start by LaLoosh. He's thrown five outs on nine pitches, all of 'em strikes.

He's got pinpoint control here tonight, Bull fans. Here's the pitch.

-This guy's crazy. -Yep.

I wouldn't dig in there if I was you. Next one might be at your head.

I don't know where it's gonna go.

I swear to God.

You're the man, Nuke. You're the man.

Easy game. Easy game.

Top of the ninth, two outs.

One out away from a stunning two-hit shutout for LaLoosh.

Bear down, Meat. Don't let up.

You own these guys.

Dad would love a shutout.

Oh, no, no, no. No.

No, no. He's looking for heat.

Let me give him the deuce.

Play ball!

Oh, no, he's shaking off the signs. Big mistake.

This son of a bitch is throwing a two-hit shutout, he's shaking me off.

You believe that shit?

Charlie, here comes the deuce.

And when you speak of me, speak well.

-No, no, serve it up. -Yeah.

Home run, Jimmy Powell.

Give me the ball.

You told him I was gonna throw a deuce, right?

Yep.

Man, that ball got out of here in a hurry.

Anything that travels that far ought to have a damn stewardess on it, don't you think?

Let's go!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah!

When Nuke started listening to Crash, everything fell into place.

He started throwing strikes, and we started to win.

But Nuke was still confused.

He was so encouraged by his victory that he vowed not to have sex until he lost.

Unfortunately, however, he kept on winning, and for one extraordinary June and July,

the Durham Bulls began playing baseball with joy and verve and poetry.

The two sides of my own brain were all jumbled up and cross-wired.

While one side was being neglected,

the other was in paradise watching our Bulls play like big-leaguers.

We swept a four-game series at Kinston, two games at Winston-Salem,

and kicked the holy shit out of Greensboro in a three-game set.

And Crash, who kept hitting dingers, was approaching the minor league record,

though I told nobody.

After sweeping a July 4 doubleheader, the Durham Bulls were tied for first.

Beautiful as the winning streak was, I was gettin' damn lonely.

Something had to be done.

I needed a man.

Yeah!

-Nuke! -Hey, Jimmy, how you doin'?

Yeah! I love winning, man.

I fuckin' love winning.

You hear what I'm saying?

It's, like, better than losing?

Teach me something new, man. I need to learn.

Teach me something.

You got something to write with? Good. It's time to work on your interviews.

My interviews? What do I gotta do?

You're gonna have to learn your clichés.

You're gonna have to study them. You're gonna have to know them.

They're your friends. Write this down.

"We got to play 'em one day at a time."

". . . got to play. . . " That's pretty boring, you know.

Of course it's boring. That's the point. Write it down.

". . . one day at a time."

All right. "I'm just happy to be here.

Hope I can help the ball club."

I know. Write it down.

"I just want to give it my best shot,

and the good Lord willing, things will work out."

". . . good Lord willing,

-things will work out." -"Things will work out." Yep.

How's Annie?

She's getting pretty steamed actually

'cause I'm still rechanneling my sexual energy.

I'm figuring I'm just gonna cave in and sleep with her, you know,

to calm her down.

-Are you out of your mind? -I'm just –

-Are you out of your mind? -Just talking about one time.

If you give in now, you might start losing. Huh?

Never fuck with a winning streak.

Hi, boys.

Hi, darlin'. Get in here, you sweet thing.

-Hey, Jimmy. -Hey, Millie.

Want a ride?

Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?

No.

Can I give you my testimony?

You can do anything you want.

Hop in.

I am so proud of you guys.

-You want some more soup, honey? -Oh, no, thanks. That was good.

How about a little, um, back rub?

No, I'm-I'm okay. I think I'm gonna just take a little nap.

-You want me to tuck you in? -Annie. Annie, you can't seduce me.

Sweetie, I'm not gonna try to seduce you.

-What's that? -That's my leg.

I know what it is.

I just thought maybe we could work on some fundamentals,

since we're not gonna make love, and kind of. . . improve your hand-eye coordination.

- My hand-eye coordination? - Mm-hmm. Unsnap my stocking.

The other day, Crash called a woman's pu –

pussy, um. . .

Well, you know how the hair is kind of in a "V" shape?

-Yes, I do. -Well, he called it the Bermuda Triangle.

He said that a man can get lost in there and never be heard from again.

-What a nasty thing to say. -Oh, no, no. He didn't mean it nasty.

He – He said that getting lost and disappearing from the face of the earth

was sometimes a good thing to do, especially like that.

But he also said that there are times for discipline,

and-and self-control, and I think this is one of those times.

Well, Crash is a very smart man.

Now, honey, let's give it a try.

Here, wait a minute. Watch. Watch.

Now you try it. Go ahead.

Mm-hmm.

Yep.

Mmm. Yeah. That's it.

-You're playing with my mind. -I'm trying to play with your body.

-I knew it. You're trying to seduce me. -Of course I'm trying to seduce you, for God's sake.

I'm doing a damn poor job of it. Aren't I pretty?

-Oh, God, I think you're real cute. -Cute?

Baby ducks are cute. I hate cute!

I want to be exotic and mysterious.

You are. You're exotic and mysterious and cute and –

That's why I'd better leave.

Nuke, you got it all wrong!

There's no relationship between sex and baseball. Ask Crash.

-I did. -And what did he say?

He said if I give in to you, I'll start losing again.

-He did? -Yeah.

I'll be back when we lose.

Damn it.

How dare you tell Nuke to stay out of my bed!

You are messing with my private life!

Knock, knock. You know? "Come in."

-You're confusing him. -Where's "Thank you"?

-You're bending his mind all out of shape. -I'm what?

-You're confusing him. -I'm confusing him?

You got him breathing out of the wrong goddamn eyelid.

You got him parading around the locker room like a fruit.

That is a religious ritual, and it happens to be working, if you don't mind my saying.

Wait a second. Who dresses you?

-What? -Who dresses you?

Don't you think this is a little excessive for the Carolina League?

"The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom." William Blake.

-William Blake? -William Blake.

-William Blake? -William Blake!

-What do you mean, William Blake? -I mean William Blake!

Who are you? I mean, do you have a job?

I teach part-time at Alamance Junior College.

English 101 and Beginning Composition!

You know, having a conversation with you is like –

-is like a Martian talking to a fungo. -Oh, cute.

Just because sometimes you manage to be clever and you have a nice smile

does not mean you are not full of shit.

-What, I'm full of shit? -You're full of shit.

-You are full of shit! -Nuke's chastity was your idea.

I know. I'm telling you –

-I never told him to stay out of your bed. -Yes, you did. You most certainly did.

-I never told him to stay out of your bed. -Yes, you did.

I told him that a player on a streak has to respect the streak.

-Fine. -You know why?

-'Cause they don't happen very often. -Right.

If you believe you're playing well because you're getting laid

or because you're not getting laid or because you wear women's underwear,

then you are!

And you should know that.

Come on, Annie. Think of something clever to say, huh?

Something full of magic and religion bullshit.

Come on, dazzle me.

I want you.

What?

-I said I want you. -Stop it.

You're scared.

Maybe I am.

But I still think you should leave.

Okay, well,

this is the damnedest season I've ever seen.

I mean, the Durham Bulls can't lose, and I can't get laid!

Damn!

Come on, Nuke! Show 'em what you got. Super rook!

Show 'em your super rook! Super Nuke! Super Nuke!

LaLoosh! LA Loosh! Come on, LaLoosh! LA Loosh! LA Loosh!

Just relax out there. Don't aim the ball.

Damn.

Nuke's overthrowing tonight. Don't look loose.

Anything bothering him?

He says his chakras are jammed. He's having trouble breathing out of his, uh, left eyelid?

-Right eyelid. -Right eyelid.

Jack, give me the ball.

Fuck!

- Time out! - Up to the plate, Junior Shockley.

What's wrong?

I'm a little nervous. My old man's here.

Your dad's here? Where's he at?

He's right behind home plate. Don't look. Don't look. Shit.

Look, he's waving.

Hey, he's just your old man. He's as full of shit as anybody.

-Hey, what's going on? -Breathing through the wrong fuckin' eyelid again?

-Shut up. -Did you guys hear about Jimmy and Millie?

-Yep. -They got engaged! Can you believe that?

Oh, yeah? Wait till I tell him she's gone down on half the Carolina League.

Hey, anybody says anything bad about Millie, I break his neck.

Excuse me, guys, I got a game to pitch here.

José.

Hey, you guys. Don't throw me anything. My girlfriend put a curse on my glove.

I'll take the hex off the fuckin' glove. Give me the glove.

You gotta cut the head off a live rooster.

Come on! Play ball!

What the hell's going on out there?

Looks like a convention. Pretty soon they ought to call the roll.

-Get your ass out there and check it out. -You bet.

- Let's play some baseball! - Hurry up!

Excuse me. What the hell's going on out here?

Well, Nuke's scared 'cause his eyelids are jammed and his old man's here.

We need a live – Was it a live rooster?

We need a live rooster to take the curse off José's glove.

And nobody seems to know what to get Millie or Jimmy for their wedding present.

-That about right? -That's right.

We're dealing with a lot of shit.

Okay, well, uh, candlesticks always make a nice gift,

and maybe you could find out where she's registered.

Maybe a place setting or maybe a silverware pattern's good.

Okay, let's get two. Here we go.

LaLoosh looks in for the sign. Here's the pitch.

Ball hit deep into right field, off the wall.

-You should be at the game, Annie. -Mm-mmm. I'm fine.

Beautiful night for baseball here in Durham, and as the batter steps in –

How much time did you and Jimmy spend together before he proposed?

About five hours, I guess.

-We both just knew. -Hmm.

Annie. . .

do you think I deserve to wear white?

-Honey, we all deserve to wear white. -Ball 2, in the dirt.

Come on, Nuke! Go get him!

Shit! Piss! Fuck!

Right! Right! Right!

Bring it! Bring it! Bring it!

Come on!

He's gonna go home! Home! Home! We got him! Got him!

-Safe! -No! No! I got him!

-You missed him. You missed him. -No, I got him! I didn't miss him!

-Jesus, Jack, he still hasn't touched the plate! -Don't bump me! Don't bump me!

He still ain't touched the plate!

Ah, fuck it.

It was a cocksucking call.

-Did you call me a cocksucker? -No, I said it was a cocksucking call!

-You can't throw me for that! -You missed the tag!

-You just spit on me! You spit on me! -I did not spit on you! I did not!

You're in the wrong business, Jack. You're Sears and Roebuck material.

You're pushin' it, buddy. You want me to run you? I'll run you.

-You want me to call you a cocksucker? -Go ahead, try it! Try it!

-Call me a cocksucker! -"Pretty please." Beg me.

Call me a cocksucker and you're out of here!

-You're a cocksucker. You're a cocksucker! -You're out of here!

-Shit! -What the fuck is that?

Holy shit!

-He called me a cocksucker! -No way!

I've never seen Crash so angry, and frankly, sports fans,

he used a certain word that's a no-no with umpires.

Crash must have called the guy a cocksucker.

Mmm! God, he's so romantic.

When Crash got thrown out, the game got out of hand.

José made three errors with his cursed mitt.

Nuke never quite got in the groove, though he didn't pitch bad.

And the winning streak came to an end with a 3-2 loss.

The good news was that a man was about to come calling.

The bad news was. . . it was the wrong guy.

♪ Non, rien de rien ♪

♪ Non, je ne regrette rien ♪

♪ Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait ♪

♪ Ni le mal ♪

♪ Tout ça m'est bien égal ♪

♪ Non, rien de rien ♪

Annie!

♪ Non, je ne regrette rien ♪

Annie!

♪ C'est payé ♪

Come on, I know you're in there. I can hear that crazy Mexican singer.

♪ Je me fous du passé ♪

-We lost. -It's okay.

Oh, Annie, I'd like you to meet my father.

-Oh, my! -Ebby's told me a lot about you.

Yeah, Ebby tells me you've taught him a lot about discipline and self-control.

We were worried that he might get involved in the wrong crowd.

We're so pleased he met a Christian woman.

-Praise the Lord, eh? -Praise the Lord.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, Dad.

-Hello? Ooh! What? -Shh!

-We got a lot of catching up to do. -But your father is right there.

Crash tells me I gotta quit worrying about him, so I think it's a good opportunity.

-Let's go for a quickie right now. -We gotta talk.

Hello? Uh-huh. Yes. He most certainly is here.

Yeah. It's Skip for you.

Hey, Skip. It's me.

What?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my – Oh, okay.

Yeah. All right.

What?

I'm going to the show.

Oh!

Dad! Dad, they're sending me up to the majors.

I leave first thing in the morning. Can you believe it?

- Let's have a word of prayer. - Oh, let's not.

-I gotta find Crash. Come on, Dad, I'll dump you off. -Wait.

Not so fast. He'll be right with you.

Come on, sweetie, I just want to have you alone for a second

so we can say good-bye.

Oh, I'll be back.

When somebody leaves Durham, they don't come back.

No, I mean later.

Oh.

Uh. . .

Well, God. Annie, geez.

What do you have in there?

Uh, nothin'.

You're not gonna be needing these anymore.

-I better take them. -No. You're ready.

Do you think so? Do you think I'm ready for this?

Ebby Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh.

Don't think too much.

I won't.

You know something, Annie?

You can't breathe through your eyelids.

Well, of course you can't breathe through your eyelids. Whoever told you such a ridiculous thing?

Now, get. Come on.

Drive careful.

Oh, my.

Hey, hey. There you are.

Crash.

Hey, Crash.

Guess what.

Guess what, man.

I'm going to the show.

The big club's expanding its roster to finish out the season –

Nice shot!

And I am going to the show.

So why don't you go then?

Well, let's celebrate!

Congratulations.

Hope you end up on the cover of Sports Illustrated. Maybe a cereal box.

What's your problem, man? I'm trying to thank you.

-Let's get out of this dump. I'll buy you a beer. -Hey!

-You calling my place a dump? -No, he's not.

-Huh? -No, he's not.

-He's not. Are you? -No.

He's not. All right?

Nuke, you know who this is?

This is Sandy Grimes.

-Sandy Grimes hit .371 in Louisville in 1965. -.376.

I'm sorry. He hit .376.

That's a career, man.

-In any league. -You got that right.

Did you hear what I said?

I mean, I'm going to the show.

Do you know what the difference between hitting .250 and .300 is?

It's 25 hits.

Twenty-five hits in 500 at bats is 50 points, okay?

There's six months in a season. That's about 25 weeks.

That means if you get just one extra flare a week, just one,

a gork, you get a ground ball, you get a – you get a ground ball with eyes,

you get a dying quail. . .

just one more dying quail a week,

and you're in Yankee Stadium.

You still – Y-You still don't know what I'm talking about, do you?

Get the hell out of here.

All right.

Fuck.

-I'll send you a postcard. -Send me a postcard?

-Hey, I made it. -You made it? You made shit.

Hey. Hey!

You crazy?

-Hey, man, what the hell's wrong with you? -I'll be all right.

No, I'm not talkin' about – I'm talkin' about my mirror.

Shit, I'm sorry. All right?

-Hey! -I'm not gonna fight you, man.

What do you mean, you're not gonna fight me, you fuck?

-What the fuck? Why am I a fuck? -Why are you a fuck?

-Why am I a fuck? -'Cause you got talent.

I got brains, but you got talent.

See this right arm? It's worth a million bucks a year.

All my limbs put together aren't worth seven cents a pound.

What are you talkin' about? You're a great catcher.

I'm a great catcher? I'm a great catcher?

-Forget it. Forget it. -Hey!

-Just fucking forget it. -Hey, Meat.

Damn!

I didn't mean to hit you, man.

You-You hurt my eye.

-Ow. -Sorry.

Well, did you hit me with your right hand or did you hit me with your left?

Huh? Did you hit me with your right hand or with your left?

-My left. -Good. That's good.

When you get in a fight with a drunk, you don't hit him with your pitching hand.

God, I can't keep giving you these free lessons.

So quit screwing around and help me up.

You look great, man.

Be careful with the bags.

We got a boy going to the show.

Sorry about last night.

Forget it.

I have been known on occasion to. . . howl at the moon.

You understand?

Um. . .

no.

Well, you will.

Look, Nuke,

these big-league hitters are gonna light you up like a pinball machine for a while, all right?

Don't worry about it.

You be cocky and arrogant, even when you're getting beat.

That's the secret.

You got to play this game with fear and arrogance.

Fear and ignorance.

No. Fear and arrogance, you hayseed, not ignorance.

I know, I know.

I just like seeing you get all worked up.

Listen, uh. . .

Thanks. For everything.

Hey, Nuke?

Good luck.

You too. . .

Meat.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Jimmy!

Jimmy, we all pitched in, man, and we got you a little gift. Tony?

It's kind of a special wedding cake from the Durham Bulls.

Oh, my Lord.

Yeah, Skip?

You wanted to see me?

Crash, shut the door.

This is the toughest job a manager has. . .

but. . .

the organization wants to make a change.

Now that Nuke's gone, they want to bring up some young catcher.

Some kid hitting .300 up in Bluefield.

Kid's probably a bust.

I put in a word for you with the organization.

I told them I thought you might make a fine minor-league manager someday.

There might be an opening at Visalia next year.

You had a hell of a year, Crash.

But. . .

you know how it is.

I got released.

I heard already.

Oh, my.

I think probably with my love of four-legged creatures and hooves and everything,

that in another lifetime, I was probably Catherine the Great.

Or Francis of Assisi. I'm not sure which one.

What do you think, honey?

How come in former lifetimes everybody's somebody famous?

I mean. . .

How come nobody ever says they were Joe Schmo?

Because it doesn't work that way, you fool!

God, you are gorgeous.

You wanna dance?

Yes.

I guess you do.

♪ Sixty-minute man ♪

♪ Sixty-minute man ♪

♪ Lookee here, girls I'm tellin' you now ♪

♪ They call me Lovin' Dan ♪

♪ I rock 'em, roll 'em all night long ♪

♪ I'm a 60-minute man ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ If you don't believe I'm all I say ♪

♪ Come up here and take my hand ♪

♪ When I let you go You'll cry, "Oh, yes ♪

♪ He's a 60-minute man" ♪

♪ There'll be 15 minutes of kissin' ♪

♪ Then you'll holler "Please don't stop" ♪

♪ Don't stop ♪

♪ There'll be 15 minutes teasin' ♪ And 15 minutes pleasin' ♪

♪ And 15 minutes of blowin' my top ♪

♪ If your man ain't treatin' you right ♪

♪ Come up here and see old Dan ♪

♪ I rock 'em, roll 'em all night long ♪

♪ I'm a 60-minute man ♪

♪ Sixty-minute man ♪

♪ They call me Lovin' Dan ♪

♪ I rock 'em, roll 'em all night long ♪

♪ I'm a 60-minute man Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Sixty-minute man ♪

Crash took off at dawn.

Said he heard there might be an opening for a catcher in Asheville

in the South Atlantic League.

A woman should be so strong and powerful that she's not affected by such things.

I mean, it wasn't the first time I went to bed with a guy and woke up with a note.

At least the son of a bitch left me breakfast.

You have to respect the ballplayer who's just trying to finish the season.

Least, that's what I told myself.

Baseball may be a religion full of magic, cosmic truth,

and the fundamental ontological riddles of our time,

but it's also a job.

Come on, Meat. Throw me that weak-ass shit.

Come on. Ain't gettin' that cheese by me.

Bring it. Bring it.

Bring it.

When Crash hit his 247th home run, I knew the moment it happened,

but I'm sure nobody else did,

and The Sporting News didn't say anything about it.

"Full many a flower's born to blush unseen

and waste its sweetness on the desert air."

Thomas Gray.

Or William Cullen Bryant. I don't know. I get 'em mixed up.

Anyway, my attempts at housekeeping were feeble as usual.

I sometimes get easily distracted.

Funny thing was, I stopped worrying about Nuke.

Somehow I knew nothing would stop him.

The world is made for people who aren't cursed with self-awareness.

Crash was right. Nuke had a gift.

I'm just happy to be here, and I hope I can help the ball club.

I just want to give it my best shot, and good Lord willing, things will work out.

You got to play 'em one day at a time though.

Raye Anne, right? That's a beautiful name.

Is that Greek? Raye Anne?

It's a beautiful name though.

There's a great song by Mötley Crüe. Do you know it?

♪ Raye Anne, she's a-stayin' ♪

No? Anyway, a good friend of mine used to say,

"This is a very simple game.

You throw the ball. You catch the ball. You hit the ball.

Sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose.

Sometimes it rains."

Think about that for a while.

What happened?

I quit.

Hit my dinger and I hung 'em up.

I'm quitting too.

I mean boys, not baseball.

You know, there might be an opening for a manager in Visalia next spring.

Think I could make it to the show as a manager?

You'd be great.

You'd be great.

I mean, because you understand about nonlinear thinking and –

I mean, baseball seems like a linear game with all those lines and the box scores and all –

-Annie. -But the fact is, it's a spacious non-time –

Annie.

What?

I got a lot of time to hear your theories,

and I want to hear every damn one of 'em, but. . .

now I'm tired, and I just – I don't want to think about baseball

and I don't want to think about quantum physics

and I don't want to think about nothing. I just –

I just want to be.

I can do that too.

Walt Whitman once said,

"I see great things in baseball.

It's our game, the American game.

It will repair our losses and be a blessing to us."

You could look it up.

♪ Come on, honey baby ♪

♪ Take you downtown to the show ♪

♪ Sure is a heat scene ♪

♪ But a laugh, you know ♪

♪ Got to stop tryin' To figure everything all out ♪

♪ Don't nobody understand What I'm talkin' about ♪

♪ You know, love ain't no triple play ♪

♪ Just me and you all the way ♪

♪ Sometimes love can't explain ♪

♪ Each and every rule of the game ♪

♪ It still remains a mystery to me ♪

♪ By any other name ♪

♪ Why she can't make up her mind ♪

♪ Why he decides to stay ♪

♪ Why one surrenders ♪

♪ And the other runs away ♪

♪ But it's too much to understand ♪

♪ Still a man loves a woman ♪

♪ And ♪

♪ When a woman loves a man ♪

♪ A woman loves a man ♪

♪ She does what she can do ♪

♪ He does the best he can ♪

♪ When a woman loves a man ♪

♪ A woman loves a man ♪

♪ She does what she can do ♪

♪ He does the best he can ♪

♪ And I look into her eyes ♪

♪ When the world is out of hand ♪

♪ And I'm so happy ♪

♪ When a woman loves a man ♪

♪ When a woman loves a man ♪

♪ A woman loves a man ♪

♪ A woman loves a man ♪

♪ No moon tonight ♪

♪ No, nothin' to guide me ♪

♪ But still I will find her Standing beside me ♪

♪ No moon tonight ♪

♪ There's nothin' to guide me ♪

♪ But still I will find her Standing beside me ♪

♪ There's darkness everywhere ♪

♪ But still I'll find her ♪

♪ Standing beside me ♪

♪ Standing beside me ♪