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Subs created by: David Coleman.
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Okay, boys, we've got a really large
group today, so please stay together.
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00:00:07,034 --> 00:00:08,569
Oh, Steve, thank goodness.
4
00:00:08,570 --> 00:00:11,071
I need you to help me lead these
kids down The Rock Eagle Trail.
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00:00:11,072 --> 00:00:13,139
I'm having a hard time
keeping up with them myself.
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I wish that I could, but I'm busy.
7
00:00:15,009 --> 00:00:16,042
Doing what?
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00:00:16,043 --> 00:00:17,777
Updating my status.
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"Had a hot dog for lunch.
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Any spicy mustard fans out there?"
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Uh... Lucas, no!
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Stay with the group.
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00:00:27,788 --> 00:00:30,224
Come on, Steve, I really
need some help here.
14
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This light is perfect.
15
00:00:31,659 --> 00:00:33,594
And, I need a new profile photo.
16
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Here, take it for me.
17
00:00:34,629 --> 00:00:36,849
[Rattling]
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[Exhales heavily]
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Please stay with the group.
20
00:00:40,268 --> 00:00:41,152
[Camera clicks]
21
00:00:41,153 --> 00:00:42,603
Loving my hair today.
22
00:00:42,604 --> 00:00:45,805
Ugh. Steve, do you ever think
about anybody but yourself?
23
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You are the most self-centered
man on the planet.
24
00:00:48,075 --> 00:00:51,811
Go on. What else about Steve
do you find fascinating?
25
00:00:51,812 --> 00:00:54,615
Ugh. Not only do I not
find you fascinating,
26
00:00:54,616 --> 00:00:57,016
but I doubt there is a single
woman alive that would.
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00:00:57,017 --> 00:01:01,388
For your information, Denzel and I
are doing speed dating tonight.
28
00:01:01,389 --> 00:01:04,090
- I bet I'll score.
- There is no way that you're...
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00:01:04,091 --> 00:01:05,191
Oh, God!
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Come on, kids. Up into the ferris wheel.
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There's room for everybody.
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Hey! It happened to me, and
I turned out all right.
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[Honks bicycle horn]
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[Jaunty music]
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[Screams]
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00:01:19,874 --> 00:01:25,397
Brickleberry...
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00:01:26,648 --> 00:01:29,750
So the North Koreans grabbed me,
and smuggled me across the border.
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I had to spend nine months
in a hard labor camp,
39
00:01:31,886 --> 00:01:33,587
while former President
Carter negotiated my...
40
00:01:33,588 --> 00:01:34,621
I'm sorry, did you say something?
41
00:01:34,622 --> 00:01:37,291
I was just making a list of people
who could play me in a movie.
44
00:01:41,862 --> 00:01:43,563
So...
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Are we gonna get it on, or what?
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[Whispering] Denzel.
What's with these women?
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Man, you the problem.
You don't listen to 'em.
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Now, you know me.
I like my women like spoiled milk...
49
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White, and past the expiration date.
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Watch and learn.
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So he calls and he says,
"grandma, I got accepted."
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Oh, my goodness, you're
telling me your grandson
53
00:02:03,451 --> 00:02:05,852
got into Tulane on a full scholarship?
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00:02:05,853 --> 00:02:07,053
Mazel tov.
55
00:02:07,054 --> 00:02:09,889
Now, how about we go back to your place
and knock the dust off that poontang?
56
00:02:09,890 --> 00:02:12,693
Ooh! Thought you'd never ask.
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00:02:12,694 --> 00:02:14,328
It's just like Shakespeare said...
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"If you yak about you,
your sack will turn blue.
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But if you watch and listen,
her crotch will glisten."
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00:02:19,834 --> 00:02:22,092
- William Shakespeare said that?
- Who?
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00:02:22,093 --> 00:02:23,888
Nah. My boy Jamarcus Shakespeare.
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Ran a chop shop in Detroit.
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Brother pulled more hos
than a Fire Department.
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00:02:28,776 --> 00:02:31,177
Ethel and Denzel don't know
what they're talking about.
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I'm not self-centered. Am I?
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No. Don't even say that.
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You're amazing!
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Thank you. Finally, someone who
makes a little sense around here.
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I appreciate how amazing you are.
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00:02:43,791 --> 00:02:47,293
Why don't you tell me everything
there is to know about you?
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Me? My favorite subject.
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My earliest memory was being the
fastest sperm in the balls.
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Mmm. Nyum, nyum, nyum, nyum.
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Mmm, nyum, yum, yum, yum.
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Well, if it ain't the house bear.
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00:03:01,743 --> 00:03:03,844
Where you going, you spoiled little pussy?
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Inside, where I live.
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00:03:05,380 --> 00:03:07,591
You guys have fun digging
through the garbage, though.
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00:03:07,592 --> 00:03:10,350
Ooh, I forgot, we put rocks on the lids.
Tough break, guys.
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- Yo, gimme those.
- Hey, those are mine!
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[Grunting]
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Okay, okay, you win.
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Tell you what.
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I'll bring you some food from
inside, just wait right here.
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Malloy, what are you doing?
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Getting a gun.
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00:03:26,737 --> 00:03:28,952
What have I told you about guns?
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00:03:28,953 --> 00:03:31,671
To scratch the serial number
off before you murder someone.
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00:03:31,672 --> 00:03:32,734
No.
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Only rangers can carry guns
inside of a National Park.
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00:03:35,964 --> 00:03:37,258
That rule sucks.
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00:03:37,259 --> 00:03:40,401
I just need to command a
little respect around here.
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Trust me, I don't need
a gun to get respect.
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00:03:42,983 --> 00:03:44,512
What's up, you fat old mother...
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Handsome, strong...
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Stupid, ignorant-ass...
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All-around nice guy.
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00:03:49,003 --> 00:03:52,505
All right, maybe you've got a point.
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00:03:52,506 --> 00:03:54,575
So then, we get to her place
and start going at it.
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00:03:54,576 --> 00:03:56,643
Everything is getting hot and heavy.
101
00:03:56,644 --> 00:03:59,505
She smells like menthol
rubs and female excitement,
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00:03:59,506 --> 00:04:01,915
when all of a sudden the parlor door opens.
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00:04:01,916 --> 00:04:03,784
- [Exasperated] Mom...
- You got a mom?
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00:04:03,785 --> 00:04:06,787
You go to your room at once, young lady!
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00:04:06,788 --> 00:04:09,422
Cock blocked by a 90-year-old.
Ain't that some shit?
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00:04:09,423 --> 00:04:11,524
I am really sorry I asked about that.
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[Laughs triumphantly]
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00:04:12,565 --> 00:04:13,580
Yeah!
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00:04:13,581 --> 00:04:16,196
I will have you know that
my self-centered ass
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00:04:16,197 --> 00:04:21,068
just scored with the hottest,
sexiest woman in the whole world!
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00:04:21,069 --> 00:04:22,170
I don't believe it.
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00:04:22,171 --> 00:04:24,304
And, she only wanted to talk about me.
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00:04:24,305 --> 00:04:26,573
She didn't waste my time talking about her.
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Oh, yeah, and we had the
wildest sex you could imagine.
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It wasn't until it was all over that she
finally asked for something for herself.
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- What was that?
- Five hundred dollars.
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I'm assuming it was for cab fare.
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00:04:37,451 --> 00:04:39,886
And I'm assuming the cab had to
take her to a different state.
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00:04:39,887 --> 00:04:41,187
I'm assuming, Mexico.
120
00:04:41,188 --> 00:04:43,570
Steve, I think that woman was a...
121
00:04:43,571 --> 00:04:44,658
How should I put this?
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00:04:44,659 --> 00:04:45,926
That bitch was a ho!
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00:04:45,927 --> 00:04:48,095
Don't talk about Lady Tanqueray like that!
124
00:04:48,096 --> 00:04:53,690
Besides, if she was a prostitute,
why didn't I wear a condom?
125
00:04:53,691 --> 00:04:55,671
Right?
126
00:04:56,870 --> 00:05:00,841
Steve, how many times have I warned you
about taking part in high-risk behaviors?
127
00:05:00,842 --> 00:05:02,042
Oh, my God.
128
00:05:02,043 --> 00:05:03,910
Someone just left this laying here?
129
00:05:03,911 --> 00:05:06,713
Well, it is cold and flu season.
130
00:05:06,714 --> 00:05:08,181
Is that corned beef?
131
00:05:08,182 --> 00:05:10,183
I'll give you three bucks
for a bite of that.
132
00:05:10,184 --> 00:05:12,653
Who wants to become blood brothers?
133
00:05:12,654 --> 00:05:14,554
All of you? Okay!
134
00:05:14,555 --> 00:05:17,858
Frankly, it's a statistical miracle
that you haven't gotten sick yet...
135
00:05:17,859 --> 00:05:18,892
See?
136
00:05:18,893 --> 00:05:20,557
- Until now.
- What?
137
00:05:20,558 --> 00:05:25,265
Steve, medicine doesn't have words to
describe how horrific your illness is.
138
00:05:25,266 --> 00:05:27,067
I've never seen it before, but...
139
00:05:27,068 --> 00:05:31,350
Well, try to imagine if syphilis did it
with cancer and got full-blown aids.
140
00:05:31,351 --> 00:05:33,577
Can-a-syphil-aids?
141
00:05:33,578 --> 00:05:35,842
Yes, can-a-syphil-aids.
142
00:05:35,843 --> 00:05:37,510
That has a nice ring to it, Steve.
143
00:05:37,511 --> 00:05:39,445
The good news is, you'll
only be sick for two weeks.
144
00:05:39,446 --> 00:05:40,494
Yes!
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Because after that you'll be dead.
146
00:05:43,785 --> 00:05:45,719
Oh, my God, Steve.
147
00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:47,420
This is horrible news.
148
00:05:47,421 --> 00:05:50,223
Feels like someone's ripped my
heart straight out of my chest.
149
00:05:50,224 --> 00:05:52,154
Don't worry, Woody. It'll be okay.
150
00:05:52,155 --> 00:05:53,226
No, it won't!
151
00:05:53,227 --> 00:05:57,597
Do you know how much of a hassle it is to
hire a new ranger, you stupid dying idiot?
152
00:05:57,598 --> 00:05:59,132
Malloy, what are you doing?
153
00:05:59,133 --> 00:06:04,171
Just practicing the jig I'm
going to do on Steve's grave.
154
00:06:04,172 --> 00:06:06,506
Can you believe my luck?
That moron's dying.
155
00:06:06,507 --> 00:06:09,142
Now make me the new ranger
and give me my gun.
156
00:06:09,143 --> 00:06:11,244
[Laughs loudly]
157
00:06:11,245 --> 00:06:13,880
A bear ranger? What's next?
158
00:06:13,881 --> 00:06:15,515
Forgiving your dad for making you wear
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00:06:15,516 --> 00:06:18,585
panties and a padded bra just
because he missed his dead wife?
160
00:06:18,586 --> 00:06:20,120
I'm not mom, dad!
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00:06:20,121 --> 00:06:22,521
She's gone!
162
00:06:30,497 --> 00:06:32,999
Steve, I can't believe that you're dying.
163
00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:35,568
Yeah, Steve. I'm sad.
164
00:06:35,569 --> 00:06:37,204
Don't be so sad, guys.
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00:06:37,205 --> 00:06:39,405
In two weeks, I'll be in heaven.
166
00:06:39,406 --> 00:06:41,626
[Laughter]
167
00:06:43,814 --> 00:06:46,079
What? You guys don't think
I'm going to heaven?
168
00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:48,180
Uh, no.
169
00:06:50,885 --> 00:06:56,422
My son, in order to get to heaven you need
to accept Jesus Christ into your heart
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00:06:56,423 --> 00:06:58,526
as your personal Lord and savior.
171
00:06:58,527 --> 00:07:00,426
Done. I [Bleeping] Love him. What else?
172
00:07:00,427 --> 00:07:02,229
You need to do nice things for people.
173
00:07:02,230 --> 00:07:04,296
On it. I just bought myself an iPad 3
174
00:07:04,297 --> 00:07:06,767
and an all-access pass to a
website called PubeTube...
175
00:07:06,768 --> 00:07:09,502
Steven, I mean good deeds for other people.
176
00:07:09,503 --> 00:07:10,771
Oh.
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00:07:10,772 --> 00:07:15,075
Uh, hypothetically, what if I've
never helped another person... Ever?
178
00:07:15,076 --> 00:07:18,145
Then you'll burn in hell for all eternity.
179
00:07:18,146 --> 00:07:19,932
I can't spend nine months in hell!
180
00:07:19,933 --> 00:07:21,748
That's maternity, Steven.
181
00:07:21,749 --> 00:07:22,949
Eternity is forever.
182
00:07:22,950 --> 00:07:25,451
Oh, no! You gotta get me out of this!
183
00:07:25,452 --> 00:07:26,486
Please!
184
00:07:26,487 --> 00:07:27,888
There's still time, son.
185
00:07:27,889 --> 00:07:29,689
Just go out there and help others.
186
00:07:29,690 --> 00:07:31,691
Ethel. She does good stuff.
187
00:07:31,692 --> 00:07:33,660
She even started a camp for blind kids.
188
00:07:33,661 --> 00:07:35,295
Good! Do what she does.
189
00:07:35,296 --> 00:07:37,130
Oh, she'll help you get into heaven.
190
00:07:37,131 --> 00:07:40,600
Wait. Wouldn't it be better if I just
followed you around? You're a priest.
191
00:07:40,601 --> 00:07:42,435
Too busy, Steven. I've got this other gig
192
00:07:42,436 --> 00:07:47,356
where I dress as a clown.
[Honks bicycle horn]
193
00:07:49,510 --> 00:07:51,278
I need to ask you something important.
194
00:07:51,279 --> 00:07:53,980
Steve, I told you, the juice
boxes are for the campers.
195
00:07:53,981 --> 00:07:55,849
I wanted to ask for your forgiveness.
196
00:07:55,850 --> 00:07:59,352
I'm sorry for being so self-centered,
and I want to help you do good deeds.
197
00:07:59,353 --> 00:08:03,256
I'm a brand-new Steve, who just
wants to help other people.
198
00:08:03,257 --> 00:08:05,091
Like this one.
199
00:08:05,092 --> 00:08:08,286
You shouldn't be playing with sticks.
You could put your eye out.
200
00:08:08,287 --> 00:08:09,296
[Thud!]
201
00:08:09,297 --> 00:08:11,898
Steve, if you want, you
can read to the kids.
202
00:08:11,899 --> 00:08:14,201
Come on, kids. Story time!
203
00:08:14,202 --> 00:08:15,768
[Telephone rings]
204
00:08:15,769 --> 00:08:16,837
Hello?
205
00:08:16,838 --> 00:08:18,905
Hello, this is Dr. Kuzniak.
206
00:08:18,906 --> 00:08:21,107
I have some very important
information for Steve.
207
00:08:21,108 --> 00:08:22,843
Can you tell him that he's not dying?
208
00:08:22,844 --> 00:08:26,012
It turns out I accidentally mixed up his
blood sample with another patient's.
209
00:08:26,013 --> 00:08:31,913
In the name of the Father, the Son,
and the holy... [Gasps, wheezes]
210
00:08:36,924 --> 00:08:40,026
Steve, the doctor called!
He has important news for you!
211
00:08:40,027 --> 00:08:43,796
Page 43. We're into the
lace corset section.
212
00:08:43,797 --> 00:08:47,700
It's the same chick from page 12,
but you can see her jugs better.
213
00:08:47,701 --> 00:08:50,703
Oh, Steve. It's like you've
helped the blind to see.
214
00:08:50,704 --> 00:08:52,339
Now, what was that doctor's big news?
215
00:08:52,340 --> 00:08:56,076
Um... Just that you're still dying.
216
00:08:56,077 --> 00:09:01,977
So I'm supposed to believe that he called
me, just to tell me I'm still dying?
217
00:09:03,490 --> 00:09:04,484
Oh.
218
00:09:04,485 --> 00:09:06,659
Man, that doctor's a [Bleeping] asshole.
219
00:09:06,660 --> 00:09:09,995
Kids, this is the last day
being blind is going to
220
00:09:09,996 --> 00:09:13,298
prevent you from doing anything you want.
221
00:09:13,299 --> 00:09:14,766
Draw...
222
00:09:14,767 --> 00:09:16,867
Release!
223
00:09:21,207 --> 00:09:23,727
How'd we do?
224
00:09:24,777 --> 00:09:27,513
Ethel. I've spent the whole
day showing blind kids
225
00:09:27,514 --> 00:09:30,549
that they can do anything
non-crippled kids can.
226
00:09:30,550 --> 00:09:32,584
That's wonderful, Steve.
227
00:09:32,585 --> 00:09:36,875
Wow. It's amazing how much this
dying thing has changed Steve.
228
00:09:36,876 --> 00:09:40,225
I know, right? He's actually
kind of pleasant to be around.
229
00:09:40,226 --> 00:09:42,961
Which is why I...
Connie, can I tell you something?
230
00:09:42,962 --> 00:09:44,630
Steve isn't really dying.
231
00:09:44,631 --> 00:09:47,599
The doctor called.
It turns out he isn't even sick at all.
232
00:09:47,600 --> 00:09:50,068
That's great news! Let's tell him.
233
00:09:50,069 --> 00:09:52,937
Would it be horrible if
we hold off telling him?
234
00:09:52,938 --> 00:09:55,676
You know, maybe ride the "nice
Steve" wave a little bit longer?
235
00:09:55,677 --> 00:09:58,287
Ethel, that's really selfish of you.
236
00:09:58,288 --> 00:10:01,213
Well, I'm sorry you feel that way,
but it's for the good of the kids.
237
00:10:01,214 --> 00:10:02,082
[Chainsaws buzzing]
238
00:10:02,083 --> 00:10:03,782
Now who's having fun?
239
00:10:03,783 --> 00:10:06,363
[Kids cheering]
240
00:10:07,769 --> 00:10:08,995
What's going on in here?
241
00:10:08,996 --> 00:10:10,755
Oh, I'm interviewing for our next ranger.
242
00:10:10,756 --> 00:10:13,659
Just hire me, and let's be done with this.
243
00:10:13,660 --> 00:10:16,928
Daddy's busy, honey.
Why don't you go outside and play?
244
00:10:16,929 --> 00:10:20,165
- No, I'm good.
- Suit yourself. Next!
245
00:10:20,166 --> 00:10:21,509
Good afternoon. Welcome...
246
00:10:21,510 --> 00:10:23,892
Eh! I'm gonna stop you right there.
247
00:10:23,893 --> 00:10:25,837
What's the company policy on angel dust?
248
00:10:25,838 --> 00:10:28,740
It's illegal in the park, and in
these United States of America.
249
00:10:28,741 --> 00:10:31,577
Well, shit! I'm back in the States?
Since when?
250
00:10:31,578 --> 00:10:33,978
Man, you know what can really
make you forget where you are?
251
00:10:33,979 --> 00:10:35,247
Angel dust.
252
00:10:35,248 --> 00:10:37,676
By the way, can you advance me 20
bucks to score some angel dust?
253
00:10:37,677 --> 00:10:39,677
- Next!
- Man, I love angel dust.
254
00:10:39,678 --> 00:10:41,656
- Next!
- I can only ejaculate
255
00:10:41,657 --> 00:10:43,755
- by setting things on fire.
- Next!
256
00:10:43,756 --> 00:10:45,591
- I like lollipops.
- Next!
257
00:10:45,592 --> 00:10:48,026
I want this job because I like animals.
258
00:10:48,027 --> 00:10:49,761
No, I love animals.
259
00:10:49,762 --> 00:10:52,974
Some people say I love animals too
much, you know what I'm saying?
260
00:10:52,975 --> 00:10:53,987
Next!
261
00:10:53,988 --> 00:10:55,634
And, I'm a certified lifeguard.
262
00:10:55,635 --> 00:10:57,236
Well, I'm impressed.
263
00:10:57,237 --> 00:10:58,503
Well, everything looks good.
264
00:10:58,504 --> 00:10:59,804
- He's Canadian.
- What?!
265
00:10:59,805 --> 00:11:02,565
Get out of my office, you disgusting freak!
266
00:11:02,566 --> 00:11:05,644
That is what you get when you
put an ad in a newspaper.
267
00:11:05,645 --> 00:11:07,613
Stupid dying medium.
268
00:11:07,614 --> 00:11:09,914
Malloy, can you help me
post an ad on the Internet
269
00:11:09,915 --> 00:11:12,384
that doesn't attract a
bunch of wacko nut jobs?
270
00:11:12,385 --> 00:11:16,705
Oh, I think I can help you with that.
271
00:11:17,257 --> 00:11:19,391
[Line ringing]
272
00:11:19,392 --> 00:11:21,627
- Hello?
- It's Denzel.
273
00:11:21,628 --> 00:11:24,296
Oh, right. The colored kid.
274
00:11:24,297 --> 00:11:26,498
Oh, well, Myrtle isn't here right now...
275
00:11:26,499 --> 00:11:28,333
Oh, I didn't call to talk to Myrtle.
276
00:11:28,334 --> 00:11:30,168
I called to talk to you, baby.
277
00:11:30,169 --> 00:11:32,170
Oh, I see.
278
00:11:32,171 --> 00:11:35,168
Agnes, I think you fine as hell.
I like mature women.
279
00:11:35,169 --> 00:11:37,409
Myrtle's just too young and naive for me.
280
00:11:37,410 --> 00:11:39,177
Oh, Denzel, stop it.
281
00:11:39,178 --> 00:11:40,746
You're embarrassing me.
282
00:11:40,747 --> 00:11:43,014
So, uh, what are you wearing right now?
283
00:11:43,015 --> 00:11:46,217
A polyester housecoat and gown. Why?
284
00:11:46,218 --> 00:11:47,852
No, I mean under that.
285
00:11:47,853 --> 00:11:51,993
Oh... Well, a brassiere and a girdle.
286
00:11:52,024 --> 00:11:55,624
No, baby. I mean under that.
287
00:11:56,929 --> 00:11:58,029
A diaper.
288
00:11:58,030 --> 00:12:00,910
Now, that's nasty.
289
00:12:01,401 --> 00:12:04,336
Thanks for the best week of my life, Steve.
290
00:12:04,337 --> 00:12:07,473
Don't cry, Frankie.
We'll see each other soon.
291
00:12:07,474 --> 00:12:10,008
Well, I'll see you soon.
Oh, wait. I'll be dead.
292
00:12:10,009 --> 00:12:12,529
[Cries loudly]
293
00:12:15,348 --> 00:12:17,582
Steve, you have been so amazing.
294
00:12:17,583 --> 00:12:19,618
And... Look, I'll be honest.
295
00:12:19,619 --> 00:12:22,454
You always disgusted me.
I found you repulsive.
296
00:12:22,455 --> 00:12:25,256
You know, like when fat people kiss.
But you've changed.
297
00:12:25,257 --> 00:12:27,025
You now seem so...
298
00:12:27,026 --> 00:12:29,461
Sweet and compassionate.
299
00:12:29,462 --> 00:12:30,929
And now that we're alone...
300
00:12:30,930 --> 00:12:35,066
Ethel, as much as I'd love to dip
my diseased donk in your bonk,
301
00:12:35,067 --> 00:12:40,104
I need to find some more good deeds
to do or I'm gonna burn in hell!
302
00:12:40,105 --> 00:12:43,041
Please stop dragging me across the street.
303
00:12:43,042 --> 00:12:44,609
Three more times and I'll let you go.
304
00:12:44,610 --> 00:12:46,911
At least let me use my wheelchair.
305
00:12:46,912 --> 00:12:49,072
No time!
306
00:12:53,486 --> 00:12:56,246
[People screaming]
307
00:12:56,723 --> 00:12:58,357
[Meowing]
308
00:12:58,358 --> 00:13:01,418
Come on, kitty. Jump.
309
00:13:04,464 --> 00:13:06,665
"Craigslist." Now what?
310
00:13:06,666 --> 00:13:08,166
Okay, first things first.
311
00:13:08,167 --> 00:13:12,237
You don't want to hire a child, so
click on the "adults only" section.
312
00:13:12,238 --> 00:13:13,942
"Adults only." Good thinking.
313
00:13:13,943 --> 00:13:16,975
Now we don't need another
female ranger, right?
314
00:13:16,976 --> 00:13:19,310
- Hell, no!
- And you're a man, of course.
315
00:13:19,311 --> 00:13:22,981
So go ahead and click "men seeking men."
316
00:13:22,982 --> 00:13:25,250
Wow, this is easier than I thought.
317
00:13:25,251 --> 00:13:27,419
Hey, Steve. What are you doing?
318
00:13:27,420 --> 00:13:29,413
I'm doing good deeds for the rangers.
319
00:13:29,414 --> 00:13:32,634
The ones I tried to do in town didn't work
out so well, and I'm running out of time.
320
00:13:32,635 --> 00:13:34,618
- Can we talk for a second?
- Not now.
321
00:13:34,619 --> 00:13:37,195
Denzel asked me to swallow these
condoms and drive to Mexico.
322
00:13:37,196 --> 00:13:39,421
But first, I promised Connie a spa day.
323
00:13:39,422 --> 00:13:42,467
Steve! I need another mimosa.
324
00:13:42,468 --> 00:13:46,461
Listen, Connie.
What you said before about telling Steve?
325
00:13:46,462 --> 00:13:49,728
I agree with you now.
It's time I told him the truth.
326
00:13:49,729 --> 00:13:52,444
No way. This is great.
327
00:13:52,445 --> 00:13:54,546
I've never been so pampered in my life.
328
00:13:54,547 --> 00:13:57,181
You are taking advantage of him.
It's not right.
329
00:13:57,182 --> 00:13:58,608
I'm gonna tell him right... Oh!
330
00:13:58,609 --> 00:14:02,749
If you ruin this, I will break you.
331
00:14:03,389 --> 00:14:07,135
Your ad said you need a man who is
willing to submit to your authority?
332
00:14:07,136 --> 00:14:10,435
Yes, Sir. And I'm gonna
work you long and hard.
333
00:14:10,436 --> 00:14:12,631
I'm willing to get down
on my hands and knees
334
00:14:12,632 --> 00:14:14,966
and do whatever it takes to satisfy you.
335
00:14:14,967 --> 00:14:16,830
See, Malloy?
That's what you call commitment.
336
00:14:16,831 --> 00:14:18,192
If you say so.
337
00:14:18,193 --> 00:14:21,454
I want you to shove your fist up
my ass and work me like a puppet.
338
00:14:21,455 --> 00:14:27,355
Well, if that's code for having a good
work ethic, let me go get the paperwork.
339
00:14:28,881 --> 00:14:32,061
Whoa! What the [Bleep]?
340
00:14:36,476 --> 00:14:39,505
So, Steve, I was thinking.
You're about to die a horrible death.
341
00:14:39,506 --> 00:14:44,286
Condolences. Anyhow, I was wondering
if you could do me a small favor.
342
00:14:44,287 --> 00:14:45,630
Sure, I'll help you.
343
00:14:45,631 --> 00:14:48,507
Hear that, God? I'm helping an animal.
344
00:14:48,508 --> 00:14:51,624
Just tell Woody that your dying
wish is for me to have your job.
345
00:14:51,625 --> 00:14:52,792
[Laughs]
346
00:14:52,793 --> 00:14:55,795
God put three types of animals on Earth.
347
00:14:55,796 --> 00:14:59,732
One type to eat, one type
to ride, and whales.
348
00:14:59,733 --> 00:15:01,234
So sayeth the Lord.
349
00:15:01,235 --> 00:15:03,636
Would you stop it with all this God crap?
350
00:15:03,637 --> 00:15:05,251
You blasphemer!
351
00:15:05,252 --> 00:15:08,408
Steve, I know that you're dumb,
but try to listen closely.
352
00:15:08,409 --> 00:15:10,864
- There is no God.
- What?
353
00:15:10,865 --> 00:15:14,663
If there were a God, how do you
explain hunger, suffering, and war?
354
00:15:14,664 --> 00:15:15,868
You know, Africa.
355
00:15:15,869 --> 00:15:18,151
I'll ask God next week when I'm in heaven.
356
00:15:18,152 --> 00:15:22,621
Now if you'll excuse me, I need
to give Connie a Brazilian.
357
00:15:22,622 --> 00:15:24,106
I'm ready.
358
00:15:24,107 --> 00:15:25,558
[Screams]
359
00:15:25,559 --> 00:15:28,094
You're right! There is no God!
360
00:15:28,095 --> 00:15:30,255
[Gunshot]
361
00:15:31,332 --> 00:15:33,132
Steve?
362
00:15:33,133 --> 00:15:36,673
[Gunshots, animals stampeding]
363
00:15:37,237 --> 00:15:38,237
[Slurring] Damn it!
364
00:15:38,238 --> 00:15:40,606
Come back here, chipyunk!
365
00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:41,740
Fight like a man!
366
00:15:41,741 --> 00:15:43,876
Hey, Steve! Stop it!
367
00:15:43,877 --> 00:15:46,012
Why? There is no God.
368
00:15:46,013 --> 00:15:47,280
What's the difference?
369
00:15:47,281 --> 00:15:49,551
The difference is you're not dying.
370
00:15:49,552 --> 00:15:51,284
[Sighing] The doctor called
last week and told me.
371
00:15:51,285 --> 00:15:53,619
I just didn't tell you because I...
I really...
372
00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:55,121
I really like the new Steve.
373
00:15:55,122 --> 00:15:59,817
Bullshit! You're just lying to me
so I don't blow Bambi's brains out.
374
00:15:59,818 --> 00:16:01,727
Wait, Steve! Okay! Okay! Okay.
375
00:16:01,728 --> 00:16:03,129
Su... Suppose you are dying.
376
00:16:03,130 --> 00:16:05,564
Is this really how you want
to spend your last few days?
377
00:16:05,565 --> 00:16:08,267
You know what? You're right.
378
00:16:08,268 --> 00:16:10,871
- I'm wasting precious time.
- Thank you.
379
00:16:10,872 --> 00:16:13,884
There's way more messed up
shit I've always wanted to do!
380
00:16:13,885 --> 00:16:17,065
[Upbeat big band music]
381
00:16:21,148 --> 00:16:23,188
Really?
382
00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:28,993
Angel dust!
383
00:16:31,825 --> 00:16:34,994
Mother? I need to speak
to you about Denzel.
384
00:16:34,995 --> 00:16:36,996
You can't tell me who to date.
385
00:16:36,997 --> 00:16:41,851
Myrtle! I thought you had
a dialysis appointment.
386
00:16:41,852 --> 00:16:45,838
How could you, mother?
You're going down, bitch!
387
00:16:45,839 --> 00:16:48,741
I just did, on the colored kid.
388
00:16:48,742 --> 00:16:50,993
And it was heavenly.
389
00:16:50,994 --> 00:16:52,711
Huuh-ya!
390
00:16:52,712 --> 00:16:54,872
Oof! Ow!
391
00:16:55,224 --> 00:16:57,850
Myrtle, no! No!
392
00:16:57,851 --> 00:16:58,951
Oh, man.
393
00:16:58,952 --> 00:17:02,121
Get your hands off me. He's mine.
394
00:17:02,122 --> 00:17:05,242
[Martial arts shouting]
395
00:17:05,859 --> 00:17:07,414
Oh, shit!
396
00:17:07,415 --> 00:17:11,264
I never loved you. [Choking and gagging]
397
00:17:11,265 --> 00:17:12,831
Ladies, ladies, calm down!
398
00:17:12,832 --> 00:17:15,801
I know how we can work this out.
399
00:17:15,802 --> 00:17:17,503
Man, y'all are freaks.
400
00:17:17,504 --> 00:17:20,806
I bet you ain't smiled like that
since you got the right to vote.
401
00:17:20,807 --> 00:17:23,207
Right, girl?
402
00:17:23,843 --> 00:17:25,278
Uh-oh.
403
00:17:25,279 --> 00:17:28,047
Uh, Myrtle, I think your mama dead.
404
00:17:28,048 --> 00:17:29,182
Myrtle?
405
00:17:29,183 --> 00:17:31,643
God damn it.
406
00:17:34,691 --> 00:17:36,925
Let's be honest, we all
took advantage of Steve.
407
00:17:36,926 --> 00:17:39,995
We preyed on his insecurities, and we
didn't tell him that he's not dying.
408
00:17:39,996 --> 00:17:41,864
Wait, Steve's not really dying?
409
00:17:41,865 --> 00:17:47,765
Damn, you colder than those two
dead women I just had sex with.
410
00:17:48,004 --> 00:17:52,444
Uh, I mean, uh... How can we help Steve?
411
00:17:53,276 --> 00:17:55,976
Steve, it's me.
412
00:17:56,212 --> 00:17:57,880
God.
413
00:17:57,881 --> 00:18:00,049
You can't be God. You're black.
414
00:18:00,050 --> 00:18:01,750
Yeah, I'm black. What's wrong with that?
415
00:18:01,751 --> 00:18:02,885
Uh... Nothing.
416
00:18:02,886 --> 00:18:05,619
That's right, mother [Bleeper ].
If I wasn't God, could I do this?
417
00:18:05,620 --> 00:18:06,679
[Gasps]
418
00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:10,092
You are God.
I'm sorry I lost my faith, God.
419
00:18:10,093 --> 00:18:14,303
I've done bad things. And in three days,
I'll be going straight to hell, huh?
420
00:18:14,304 --> 00:18:17,233
Yeah, that's what you deserve,
but I'm here to heal your shit.
421
00:18:17,234 --> 00:18:20,534
Behold the power of God.
422
00:18:20,804 --> 00:18:22,304
[Making ray gun noises]
423
00:18:22,305 --> 00:18:23,338
You're healed.
424
00:18:23,339 --> 00:18:25,040
Thank you, God.
425
00:18:25,041 --> 00:18:27,076
I... Don't feel any different.
426
00:18:27,077 --> 00:18:29,788
- Trust me, you're fine.
- How can I ever repay you?
427
00:18:29,789 --> 00:18:31,146
Okay, you know your friend Denzel?
428
00:18:31,147 --> 00:18:32,948
If the cops ask you where
he was at last night
429
00:18:32,949 --> 00:18:35,217
between 7:00 and 8:30,
you say he was with you
430
00:18:35,218 --> 00:18:37,086
playing Wii bowling or
some shit at your crib.
431
00:18:37,087 --> 00:18:38,286
Now I gots to bounce.
432
00:18:38,287 --> 00:18:40,388
Wait! I need to ask you something.
433
00:18:40,389 --> 00:18:44,422
[Straining] I can't hold this much longer.
434
00:18:44,423 --> 00:18:46,274
What, my son? Make it quick.
435
00:18:46,275 --> 00:18:49,201
Will you give me super-strong robot arms?
436
00:18:49,202 --> 00:18:50,766
- No.
- Regular strength robot arms?
437
00:18:50,767 --> 00:18:52,434
No! No robot arms!
438
00:18:52,435 --> 00:18:53,936
- Just the hands?
- Hell, no.
439
00:18:53,937 --> 00:18:56,304
- Fair enough, God.
- All right, I'm out.
440
00:18:56,305 --> 00:18:58,525
[Grunting]
441
00:18:58,574 --> 00:19:01,043
Oh, my God. It's all a sham!
442
00:19:01,044 --> 00:19:03,531
Steve? Now be cool, man.
We just trying to help.
443
00:19:03,532 --> 00:19:06,815
A fake beard, God? You have a fake beard?
444
00:19:06,816 --> 00:19:08,416
Why do you mislead us all?
445
00:19:08,417 --> 00:19:11,177
Damn, you stupid.
446
00:19:12,222 --> 00:19:15,257
Well, Malloy, turns out you were
the best candidate after all.
447
00:19:15,258 --> 00:19:17,960
And I know that you will
make your daddy proud.
448
00:19:17,961 --> 00:19:22,364
And, now that you are an official park
ranger, you're authorized to carry this.
449
00:19:22,365 --> 00:19:23,766
Please use it responsibly.
450
00:19:23,767 --> 00:19:26,047
Of course.
451
00:19:27,804 --> 00:19:30,806
Hey, look. It's the house bear.
452
00:19:30,807 --> 00:19:33,142
Look at that uniform! [Laughs mockingly]
453
00:19:33,143 --> 00:19:35,363
[Gunshots]
454
00:19:42,302 --> 00:19:43,529
[Empty clip ejecting] [New clip sliding in]
455
00:19:43,530 --> 00:19:45,750
[Gunshots]
456
00:19:51,327 --> 00:19:52,460
I quit.
457
00:19:52,461 --> 00:19:54,462
Hey, everybody, good news!
458
00:19:54,463 --> 00:19:56,464
I'm not dying anymore!
459
00:19:56,465 --> 00:19:58,834
Now, Woody, I would like my job back.
460
00:19:58,835 --> 00:20:02,137
I plan on being around for a long time.
461
00:20:02,138 --> 00:20:06,775
That is good news. Because your so-called
replacement over here just quit!
462
00:20:06,776 --> 00:20:09,778
I knew you weren't responsible
enough to respect a gun.
463
00:20:09,779 --> 00:20:11,579
These things aren't toys, Malloy!
464
00:20:11,580 --> 00:20:16,318
"Look at me, I've got a big gun!
Doe, tee-doe, tee-doe, tee-doe!"
465
00:20:16,319 --> 00:20:17,686
Whoopsie.
466
00:20:17,687 --> 00:20:21,824
As if I didn't have enough bullshit,
now I've got blood on my wall!
467
00:20:21,825 --> 00:20:24,293
Congratulations, Steven.
468
00:20:24,294 --> 00:20:27,462
I'm glad to tell you you
just squeaked into heaven.
469
00:20:27,463 --> 00:20:28,496
Who the hell are you?
470
00:20:28,497 --> 00:20:30,632
I am God, my son.
471
00:20:30,633 --> 00:20:32,667
Welcome to my glorious kingdom.
472
00:20:32,668 --> 00:20:34,820
This man is a fraud!
473
00:20:34,821 --> 00:20:37,673
Everyone knows God is black!
474
00:20:37,674 --> 00:20:39,647
You goddamn God impostor!
475
00:20:39,648 --> 00:20:40,848
[Grunts]
476
00:20:40,849 --> 00:20:46,749
That does it. You just bought
yourself a one-way ticket to hell.
477
00:20:47,483 --> 00:20:50,243
Yup. Makes sense.
478
00:20:50,255 --> 00:20:56,155
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00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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