Original subtitles

If she were a star of a real crummy horror movie...

I'd believe it.

Yeah!

That's him!

If I catch you, I'll kill you! I tell you, I'll kill you!

You dirty robber!

Someone you know?

I'll drive. All set?

All set, Chief.

Culpeper, all set?

Yes, Sir, all set. Airport just reported that they're starting a landing approach now.

Right.

SANTA ROSITA POLICE DEPARTMENT

What's the matter, Chief? You forgotten something?

No. I don't think I've forgotten a thing.

Now, men, about the brakes... You've got to know about the brakes.

I wanna tell you about the brakes in just a minute. Just hold it a second.

What the hell is with this wire here?

Just hold it a second, will ya?

What was that?

Men, look.

Now, just hold a minute! Just be patient for one little minute.

- Hold it! Hold it! - Yes, sir, yes.

No, that's not it.

Left... no! That's not it.

- On second thought, men, you won't need the brakes. - Sir... Sir.

On second thought, men, you won't need to use the brakes.

The runway is so long here, that when you throttle back,

the plane will just come to a full stop naturally.

Yes. So, forget about the brakes, men!

- I tell you, you won't need the brakes! - But, Colonel...

All right now, men. All right now, men. The chips are down!

Be calm. This is it. Just one minute more, men, and it'll be all over.

I mean, it'll all be over. I mean, courage, men.

We're all with you down here every second on the way, men.

We're all pulling for you just as hard as we can.

So, now it's just hold onto your nerves, men,

and not get excited or do anything foolish.

But just keep calm. That's all we gotta do, men.

Keep calm. Calm, men!

Not that calm, you idiot!

Pull up!

Now, don't worry. Just keep calm.

What's this? What's this that's coming?

- That's good. That's cement. - What? Wait a minute! Hold it!

What are you doing, Benjy?

- What, are you trying to scare me? - No!

Well, you did.

It's just a couple of sticks of dynamite, that's all.

How much noise could it make? Boom. It's all over.

Get it over right! Get it over!

Left rudder!

Too low! Pull up.

No! Left rudder!

No! Pull it up!

Help!

Help! I'm the Colonel, you know!

Help!

Help! Get me down!

We're not going to land and we'll never make it.

What do you mean, we'll never make it? Don't freeze.

Benjy, don't freeze.

This one's going to work.

- Damn it, come to! - You hit me.

Listen, wait a minute.

We're down!

- We're on the ground. - Hooray!

It's just a noise, that's all. It's way over there.

Put on the brakes.

Okay. Where are they?

Benjy! Here comes a restaurant!

We've landed! Come on.

Come on. Hurry. Now, hurry up.

- Come on, let's go. - What about him?

Never mind about him. An ambulance will come.

Let's get out of here.

Cab! Cab!

Listen! We're in an awful hurry. Do you know where the State Park is?

Sure. What happened?

Emergency landing. Come on, hurry.

Quick, let's go. Come on.

Come on, Benjy.

Oh! Excuse me.

Excuse us. Here's your bag.

You see, the lock didn't work.

Go.

That's all. The owners will pay for everything.

Next door, he'll pay for everything. It's okay.

You people. You!

Come back here. Come back!

You vandals!

The cops in this town are morons, retarded.

I'm dealing with moronic people.

'Cause he's in a bad humor, that fat Nazi.

What, I gotta suffer 'cause of him?

Get away from me. What's the matter?

Can't you see I'm on the phone? Gimme two minutes!

Now, listen, Sy...

Will you take us to Santa Rosita State Park?

What's the matter? What happened to you? Initiation?

We had an accident. Hurry up!

Benjamin and Bell stopped at a gardener supply place

on Ocean Boulevard and bought picks and shovels.

Hold it, Chief. Here's a report on the Crumps.

Their cab has turned onto 101, moving south, toward your present position.

Wait. The other taxi's also turning onto 101,

and they're moving north. They're both coming your way.

Understood.

Stand by.

- They ought to be here any minute. - Uh-huh.

Look.

It's the two idiots, the little one and the one with the marbles in his mouth.

- It's that hokey dentist. - Yeah.

Pass that cab.

- What's the rush? - What do you mean "rush"?

No rush. We're just in a hurry.

Culpeper.

Now!

Give the order to pull away.

- Come on. Hurry up. - Shouldn't I wait around?

No. Here's $5.

- What's with the pick and shovel? - Mind your own business. Come on.

Hey! Hey!

- Think anybody is here? - Didn't see any cars.

Wait a minute!

- Let's talk this over. - I got nothing to talk about.

Wait a minute.

Think anybody else has been here?

- How should I know? - Wait!

If you think we're the first ones here, why not make a deal?

The four of us.

Nobody knows where to look, so we'll look together.

We'll find it before the others. Incidentally, where are all the others?

How come you two just got here? You had the plane.

Yeah... What happened to you?

They're up to something funny, you hear?

Did you see the blonde I brought, covered in paint with her dress ripped?

What's that all about?

Yeah. And what about the picks and shovels?

Sort of piques your curiosity, don't it?

You better run back to headquarters. Wait till you hear from me.

- Let me go with you, Chief. - I'd like to, but it might snarl things up a little.

Thanks for everything.

Lots of luck, Chief.

Benjy! Did you see anything, pal?

No, but there must be something somewhere.

- See anything? - Not a thing.

Are you sure he didn't say something you've forgotten?

He said it's buried under a big W and that we'd see it.

- It's gotta be here. - I tell you what we do.

You go how we came. We'll go how you came.

We might have missed something. Hold it.

You go the way we came... and we'll go...

That's right. Okay, let's go.

They're looking for something buried under a big W.

I heard one of them, the stutterer, say it.

Yeah, I heard. But what?

Did you see anything?

- No. Did you? - Nothing.

That guy hid it so good, he couldn't find it himself.

I think...

- Who's he? - I don't know.

But he had a shovel.

Maybe he's a prospector.

- What are you talking... - We're wasting time.

Harder. We gotta look harder!

Let's look harder. Come on, let's go.

- Who's he? - I don't know, but he hasn't got a shovel.

- Melville, I've got it. - You've got it?

Yes. When we were kids and we lost something, all we did was close our eyes real tight,

then turn around three times fast and walk straight ahead and there it was. It was always there.

Monica, that's kids' stuff. We look for the big W, don't you understand?

- We can't do any harm we haven't done yet. - Monica, what...

Now, don't worry, let me try.

One, two, three.

And now I walk straight ahead.

Monica!

Monica! Monica! I can't understand why you did that.

What's the matter with you?

Monica, will you stop playing games?

- But it always worked when we were kids. - Uh, here's your bag.

Come on, let's go. Hurry up, huh.

Hurry up!

- He's here, I tell ya. - Yes, sir. That's his car.

- I would like to put my hands on that phony. - Somebody must've come in those cabs.

- Come on, let's get moving! - Come on, let's get moving!

- They must be here. - They'd better be. Come on, Emeline.

- Don't just sit there! - Don't just sit there!

- Yes, I am. - Come on, mother...

Then sit, Emeline!

Mrs. Finch, aren't you the teeniest bit curious?

No. I'm not even curious, Mr. Hawthorne, just disgusted.

I say, that really is a pity. Do forgive me, I must go.

You wouldn't know a big W if you saw one!

- I know a... - Shut up!

I don't care what you say, I don't think they're here yet.

They're here somewhere. That means they haven't found it.

- That's all he said? "Under a big W"? - Actually, I joined the party after that.

Yes, sir, that's what he said. It's under a big W.

- Let's look over there. - Will you shut up and follow me?

- Who are they? - I don't know!

- From this morning? - Yes.

- Who's he? - I don't know.

- Who's he? - I don't know!

Mama, how many people are mixed up in this thing?

Mama, who are they? Cabbies?

Mama, this thing's like a convention.

Is anything wrong, ma'am? I didn't mean to startle you. Are you all right?

Who are you? Are you with the others, the ones that are looking?

- I am, in a way. Aren't you? - No.

I mean, I didn't want anything to do with it right from the start.

And you know what?

I know where it is. I'm the only one, and I wasn't even looking.

You know where it is?

Yes! I don't know what I should do.

Come on out, all of you! This is ridiculous!

- I absolutely agree with you, Mrs. Marcus. - Oh, come on out!

We all know we're all here. Nobody's fooling anyone.

So we all know. So what?

Don't talk to my mama in that tone of voice!

- You hear? - Shut up!

Listen, we ain't the only ones here. I've seen at least four or five other guys.

That's right. Those two cab drivers.

- They came with us and that dentist. - You wanna start?

- Yes, I want to... - Why are we wasting so much time?

We all know that we're all here.

Even if somebody finds the money, nobody gets away with it...

unless everybody gets a share.

Let's all get sensible and get this thing organized.

Did you all hear what Mama said?

- Come on, Mama. - Now, wait a minute.

Did any of you see a guy with glasses...

with a real sneery expression on his face?

This guy was ugly. I mean, like, real ugly.

If you help dig it up, you can have half and I'll have half.

Is that okay? I mean, is that fair?

Because if I have half of the money,

I can go away somewhere where nobody can find me.

Not Russell or my mother or Sylvester, anybody.

You don't know what that'd mean.

If I had enough money...

I might be able to live in a convent or something.

- In a convent? - Uh-huh.

We all know we're all here, right?

It seems intelligent to me that we should all share...

in one equal share apiece, right?

Right. Mel was right.

So, we all know that. Look, it...

- Oh, no. - Oh, yeah. Mm-hm.

It's him, all right. Yeah!

You got this wrong. I came to apologize.

Forgive and forget! I'm your friend.

- He's so neurotic. Can't you do something? - I'll get you.

- He's very neurotic. I'm your friend! - When I get my hands on you...

Well, that's it.

Sure. Look!

It's the big W, I tell you! It's the big W!

Look at this.

Look at it!

I'm sorry, Mrs. Finch.

I'm afraid it's too late.

I think they've found it.

Right here all the time! He wasn't kidding!

- He was telling the truth! - Folks, isn't this great?

Congratulations. Well done.

Listen, I think the big boy should get an extra share.

After all, it was he who found it.

Yes! I insist he gets an extra share.

That's right. He deserves an extra share.

- Well, I... - Let's start digging.

Suppose somebody comes along. What do we tell him?

We're here with an anthropological expedition.

- Nah. - We don't tell them anything!

We tell them to scram or we beat their brains in.

It was a nice dream.

Lasted almost five minutes.

Now, don't bug me, I said.

Faster.

Come on, dig, dig.

Faster, faster.

Faster. Dig. That's it, dig.

Faster.

There's not enough room. You two, out.

Let us do it.

Wait. There's not enough room. You're bugging me.

- "Bugging"? - Cut out, cut out.

What's this "cut out" talk?

- Out, baby. Out! - Don't call me "baby".

- Quit arguing! - Will ya? Come on!

- What's that? - What was that?

- That's it. - Sounded like a chest.

I wonder what's in it.

Bring it up here!

There it is!

- It's a satchel. - Hold it up!

- It's a satchel! - I got it.

Open it up.

Come on!

Bingo!

I say, chaps, shouldn't we find a spot of cover?

There's nobody around.

Come on. Count it out.

- What are we waiting for? - Now wait a second!

Everybody's going to get something, so no arguments. We all get equal shares!

He's right.

That's the only way to do it. Shares for everybody.

Now, how many are we?

1, 2,

3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8,

9, 10, 11, 12, 13,

14, 15.

15 of us. That means 15 equal shares.

You dirty double-crosser. You cut yourself in for twice!

You can't get away with that!

Get him!

Grab him!

Get him!

You only cheated yourself because now you're out.

Listen! You can't cut me out now, you hear?

Not after what I've been through!

All right. Okay.

I'm warning you, if I don't get a share, I'm going straight to the police.

- The police? - What makes you think the police...

That money had to come from somewhere.

We know where it's from: That poor old man that died on the mountain this morning.

You wasn't even there, so shut up.

Okay, you asked for it. I'm going straight to the police.

What makes you believe the police would be interested, Mr. Meyer?

Are you kidding? Isn't it obvious?

How do you think money gets...

How did you know my name?

You know this crook?

I've never met him, Mr. Pike, but I've come to feel that I know him.

How did you know my name? I've never met you.

Yeah, who are you?

Didn't he come with you?

He didn't come with us. We thought he came with you.

No.

If he didn't come with you nor with us, then who are you?

I'm Capt. Culpeper...

of the Santa Rosita Police Department.

Captain Culpeper is the best single policeman in the history of this department.

He has the best record in the force.

He is the only completely honest man I ever met.

So, as a reward for a lifetime service...

he gets pushed around now by you and a crummy crowd of crooked councilmen.

- Will you come to the point? - Yeah, I'm coming to the point.

The point is, I have enough stuff in my private files,

stuff relating to civic building,

road contracts, harbor and cannery projects,

enough stuff to put you, the D.A., myself...

and a two-thirds majority behind bars for the next 20 years.

And I give you my word, that's exactly where everybody is going,

- unless certain things start happening now! - Like what, for instance?

I want the pension for Culpeper's grade trebled.

Not doubled, trebled. I want Culpeper to retire with honor.

I want it on paper all over with your signature and that's exactly what's going to happen,

and I want that paper in my hands in 15 minutes...

or I'll have all the reporters in town in here in 20.

You know the word for this, Your Honor. It's called blackmail.

Sir, could you possibly see your way clear to give us a break?

You kidding? Him give you a break?

We had a pretty rough day already.

We was all covered with dirt, and we fell down in an airplane...

and my grandmother's dying in Oxnard.

I know we don't deserve any kindness, Captain,

but if you could help us, I'm sure we'd all be inspired...

to go on and live better lives.

Well, there is one thing.

I don't know whether it would help or not,

but if, instead of my turning you in,

you went and turned yourselves in,

juries sometimes look very favorably on things like that.

You'd let us do that?

What are we waiting for? Let's turn ourselves in.

You must be a fine human being, Sir.

After all, why should you worry whether we get a break or not?

Well, Mr. Meyer, no matter what you've all done today,

you're not really criminals.

So if you like, you can all hop into those two cabs...

and drive over to Santa Rosita...

and, uh, just walk in.

- Then let's do that. - But, sir, we can't all fit.

You can't take the stolen vehicles. Those have to stay to be picked up later.

- What are we waiting for? - Let's go before he...

Back in the back.

Drive carefully.

They may be the last passengers you'll ever carry.

Funny. That's funny.

Funny, right? Funny?

You could be the most comical cop I ever met.

Yeah.

- Culpeper. - Yes, sir.

Everything is under control here.

It'll take a little longer because there was a joker in the deck...

that nobody knew about. All right?

Yes, sir.

So don't make a move of any kind until you hear from me.

Yes, sir.

Boy, if only everybody had listened to me this morning, we wouldn't have been in this predicament.

Why? What did you say this morning?

What I said was, everybody should share 25 equal...

- Oh, come on... - Not that awful...

No matter we all have done today, you're really not criminal!

Ah! Of all that snooty, patronizing... You're stepping on my foot!

Will you get off my mama's foot!

Listen, why does the man want to give everybody a break?

- What's his angle there? - I was wondering about that, too.

There's something very funny's going on here. How's he know what we're going to do?

We're in enough of a mess. We better do just what he said.

I'm tellin' you, the man has got some kind of angle.

Wait a minute, wait. Hold it!

Can you see him?

- Just what does he think he's doing? - That certainly is strange.

- Sure is. - What is he doing?

- He's going the other way. - Why are we standing here?

That's it!

We're off the hook!

Get out of here! Come on, we're off!

Come on, get going.

- Ah! - Holy mackerel. I almost didn't make it.

No other cops around. He planned it.

We were the only ones who know where the money was. He was waiting around to take it away from us.

But if we find all the money first and we turn it in, we're all be in the clear.

Let's just get the dough and worry about the rest later.

- Look. He's slowing down. - No, he's turning to the left.

What's going on?

Sorry, Jimmy.

He's heading for the border!

We should stop and call the police station!

You shut up!

We're going to get that money. Keep driving!

That woman is something else.

Take your foot off the brake!

Stop hitting me. I'm driving.

- When you want a cab, you can't get one. - Yeah, come on, let's go!

F-14 to Central.

Come in, F-14. What is it?

There's something phony here.

We're on 101 by Cortez checking a mad-dog report.

Orders were to maintain silence.

Capt. Culpeper wants this channel kept clear.

We know it, but we saw Captain Culpeper. He just went by doing 90 miles an hour.

I don't think I understand that, F-14.

Are you sure it was Captain Culpeper?

- Yep. - Was he chasing anybody?

- Nope. - Could he have been chasing anybody?

- Chief, there's the Mayor. - Not a chance. That's what struck us so funny.

There were about 15 people in two cabs right behind him.

It looked like they were chasing him.

They were chasing him? What's going on here?

I brought it myself. Everything you asked for.

- The pension? - Yeah.

- Call him! Try to get Captain Culpeper! - Yes.

Calling Captain Culpeper. Central Division. Urgent.

Calling Captain Culpeper. Captain Culpeper!

- This can only happen in America. - You going to start that again?

You've got to believe me. I'm going to be sick.

What's the matter with you? Are you crazy or something? You're trying to kill us?

Just don't make me nervous!

- Don't let him get away! - Cut him off!

The other way!

Calling Captain Culpeper. Culp, this is Aloysius speaking.

Now, listen to me, Culp. Everything has been fixed.

There's been negotiations and everything is all right.

Cut out this nonsense and answer me.

This is Aloysius speaking!

I still don't understand this. What's it all about?

Well... That's it.

All units...

arrest Captain Culpeper.

Tell them.

Attention, all units. Arrest Captain Culpeper.

This is Santa Rosita Central with orders. Arrest Captain T. G. Culpeper.

Chief of Detectives Division of the Santa Rosita Police Department.

Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am!

He went that way! Get him! Come on! Go! Get him! Get him!

- Where is he? - There he is! There he is!

- Come back! - Get me out of here!

Just don't sit there. Come on!

- Come on! Come on! - That's him!

KEEP OUT BUILDING CONDEMNED

- Come on! - Stop pushing, will ya?

Wait a minute! We got him. Now, you women stay here!

What do you mean, "You women stay here"?

You heard what he said, mother. Stay here!

Come on! Let's go!

- Is he there? - Where'd he go?

Halt! Halt!

Now, wait a minute. Listen.

Yeah!

Stop pushing! Get the suitcase.

Look! Look up there!

...in this regard, and there is no doubt...

Those ladders are not safe!

Ladders are not safe! Get off!

Sylvester, what are you doing up there? You must be out of your mind!

- Wait a minute! - Get the suitcase!

Sylvester! Come on down!

Don't you dare pushing me! Get your finger off me!

You hit it off! Don't you dare touch any of that money!

- You! Don't stand there! - To your right!

Russell, hang on!

Dingy, I can't hold on!

Help us!

Get off my hand!

Move onto the ladder!

Hold on! Wait a minute! One at a time! Did you hear me?

One at a time!

All right!

All right, you'll see. You'll see.

Get on alphabetical. I'm Benjy.

Quit stepping on my head!

Get on the ladder.

Don't leave me! Come back here!

You can't leave me!

We can't control it. There's too many men on it.

Hold it steady. Watch it. She's whipping loose.

Wind us down! Wind us down!

I don't want the money! I don't want the money!

Look out!

Get off! Get off!

She's going! Get out of there!

Emeline!

Help me, Mama!

It's all your fault.

It's your fault right from beginning to the end.

You know, even for a policeman...

your behavior was ruddy outrageous.

You could've taken a fair share like the rest of us,

but no, you had to grab up the whole scene, baby.

We had $350,000 right in our hands.

Fourteen into $350,000...

Shut up.

I wish I knew what they were gonna do to us.

But no matter what happens to us, what happens to you I hope will be worse.

I don't think you have to worry too much about that.

My wife is divorcing me,

my mother-in-law is suing me for damages,

my daughter is applying to the courts to have her name changed,

my pension has been revoked,

and the only reason that you 10 idiots...

will very likely get off lightly...

is because the judge will have me up there to throw the book at.

Aw, that's tough. Oh!

I'd like to think that sometime, maybe 10 or 20 years from now,

there'd be something I could laugh at, anything.

Now, see here, you idiots, it's all your fault, because if you hadn't...

Mama!

Don't you dare touch me! Get away from me! Let me go! Leave me alone...!

THE END