Original subtitles

- Go away! - You'd better get out of here!

I mean it, I don't want to...

What'll we do?

Go away! Go away!

Irwin. Irwin!

Here, Ray.

You fellas all right?

Now they show up. Where were you when we needed you?

- Writing parking tickets, I suppose. - Yeah.

They're still alive.

? Got a baby who can give me 31 flavors ?

? And we like tutti-frutti best ?

? I call him "Ice Cream Joe" ? ? He is the most delicious boy I know ?

Go, baby, go!

? ...his tasty lips are kissing mine ? ? He gives me 31 flavors ?

? And we like tutti-frutti best ?

? I just love him so ?

? He's my confectionery Ice Cream Joe ?

? Every time I kiss him, I feel mighty fine ?

? I love his 31 flavors ?

? And we like tutti-frutti best ?

? Pineapple, peach, coconut and banana ? ? Some of each, chocolate too ?

? I'm telling you that when we kiss ?

? He really does want bum bum ? Don't stop! Go!

? And we like tutti-frutti best ?

? I want the world to know ?

He's got to be home.

He never gets up this early. Why doesn't he answer?

I hope you won't mind my asking, but what sort of chap...

is this brother-in-law of yours?

He's a nut. Why?

I hope he's nothing like my brother-in-law. Peculiar chap.

Secretary of a golf club out near Pangbourne.

So what about him?

I was thinking that if Reggie, my brother-in-law...

If Reggie got hold of information like this information,

it's likely that would be the last time...

anyone would ever see or hear of dear old Reggie.

I doubt very much whether old Reggie will be waiting for us in Santa Rosita.

Cheers.

- We're wasting too much time. - But, Russell, he's about to be there.

Come on, let's get going.

Wait a minute!

Are you against calling Sylvester?

- Me? Against Sylvester? - Mother!

- Now please, let's be reasonable. - Reasonable? We're gonna sell it right now!

Now look, this doesn't make sense.

We were back there and we had a conversation and we straightened out the whole thing, Mr. Hawthorne and I.

You mean that you two... You mean that you suggested that my son...?

No, Madam, I hastened to...

You think I'll sit still while some un-american foreigner...

makes accusations about my own flesh and blood?

We'll see about that. Stop this car!

- Really, madam. - Mother, this is awful!

- So we'll see! - Mother, what are you doing?

You don't trust your own brother-in-law? Well, let me tell you something.

If my boy is out, then everybody is out. So we'll see.

We don't even own the car and you have no right to do what you do.

Rights? You talk to me about rights?

- Mother! - You address me on the subject of rights?

Trouble? Having any trouble?

Yes! And we don't need any help from you.

Well...

- Mother, please. - With all due respect, this is too much.

Give Mr. Hawthorne the keys or we'll never get there.

Too bad.

Madam, I must say I find your attitude somewhat less than helpful.

And what's all this got to do with you, if you don't mind telling me?

If we have quite decided to withdraw from this affair,

you might be expected to hand me back my keys so that I could press on.

You keep out of this! Are we calling Sylvester or not?

No!

We are not. And I'll tell you why. Because your son Sylvester...

is an irresponsible, unreliable, big loudmouth, no-good bum,

who, if he isn't a crook, it's only because...

he hasn't got the brains or ambition even to become a crook.

Good show!

If you want to come, you can. If you don't want to, you don't have to.

But you've got to give us those keys or you'll force us to take them from you!

Hear, hear.

Give us those keys. Give us those keys.

I don't care where you have them. I'll get them.

- How dare you. - Give us those keys.

- You take one more step towards me... - I'll take another step.

I'm warning you. You're gonna be sorry!

- Give me the keys. - You're gonna get it, but good!

- Emeline! - Emeline, stay in the car!

Grab her!

Russell, don't! Mother!

- Put me down! - Must be stuck.

Russell, you wouldn't. You couldn't! You shouldn't!

Let me go! Let me get out of here!

I got 'em! Here they are.

We really didn't want to do it. But that was the only way. Upsy-daisy.

Don't hit him. Ow!

Madam, please! Please!

You forced us. You forced us.

I'm willing to say I'm sorry, but you forced us.

- Do us a favor and get back in the car. - Get away from me! Don't you touch me!

- We had to do it. You saw it, honey. - Russell, let me go.

Just wait. You can't manhandle a decent woman.

You're going to jail! You'll be arrested for assault.

I'm going to sue for everything you've got. Take your hands off my daughter!

I say, if we are going, we really must get cracking.

Russell, how could you?

- You know we had to... - Mr. Finch!

Please don't go. We'll be right with you. See, she made us do it.

Let's forget the whole thing and be reasonable.

- Please get back in the car. - Not me!

We are wasting so much time. Give me the keys.

Please, honey, please. If she don't wanna come, then you got to come.

I can't leave you here. You gotta make this choice yourself.

You gotta stay on my side. Your place is with me. You understand?

- Mama! - No, wait!

Alright, go ahead, you big stupid hooligan! Just wait and see what will happen!

Really, old man, I just have to say: Tataa!

Emeline! Emeline!

The cars are going faster than we are. Can't you make this thing go a little faster?

Wide open, I can. But wide open eats up a lot of gas.

Then open up wide. I'll pay for the gas.

- It'll cost you about $50. - Okay, I'll pay when we land.

- Now! - I got to pay now?

- Now! - All right, I'll pay you now.

- Melville... - What?

A bug! Get him off!

Get him off! There he is! Get him!

- You're breaking up the airplane! - Is it down there?

Now you're breaking the floor!

- Help! - Melville!

Help!

Everything's okay, everything's fine.

Everything's just okay. Everything is all right.

Gonna be okay.

None of these 10 people have any record at all.

And yet we're ready to book 'em for withholding information,

causing accidents, failing to report accidents,

reckless driving, theft, at least three cases of assault and battery...

- Capt. Culpeper? - Yeah.

- That my home? - Yes, sir.

Uh, Sheriff, excuse me. Another call.

Take the Sheriff. I'll take it in here.

Freddy, transfer Mrs. Culpeper to Culpeper's office.

- Hello, Ginger? - Daddy, it's Billie Sue.

Oh. Let me speak with your mother, sweetheart.

Well?

Ah, dear.

Tell me something, Ginger. How does it feel being married...

to the most brilliant personality in the law enforcement industry?

Are you referring to yourself?

Ginger, I want you to prepare yourself for a little shock.

When I tell you what has happened...

So tell me. I've got this biscuit dough...

The Smiler Grogan case is solved.

The what?

What the hell is the Smiler Grogan case?

The tuna factory robbery.

The case I've been talking about for the last 15 years.

All I want you to do is make all the preparations...

for a little flight to Hawaii, Sunday morning.

- So what's the gag? - It is no gag.

Are you serious about flying to Hawaii?

Flight 7, Sunday morning.

- Are we taking Billie Sue? - No!

Just the two of us for about three weeks. Now, we're going to celebrate, Ginger.

My feeling is that after 27 years...

we've earned it.

What's the matter?

- I need help. Can you give me a lift? - What?

My wife is sick. The doc sent me out for some medicine.

All right. Come on.

- I just ran out of gas. - Get in!

What's wrong with your wife?

That's the trouble. The doc's not sure. He says, whatever it is,

she's too sick, even to be moved. He needs a special stuff...

and we haven't got a phone, so I want to get it, and that's when I ran out of... Slow down a little.

- The turning is just up here on the right. - Turning? You mean, it's off the road?

- Only a mile... - Oh, pal, I'm in a hurry. I got my...

Hold it!

Stop the car!

Now listen, buddy!

I'm sorry about your problems,

but the dark side of the hurry, this is my wife.

- Now, come on, we turn right here. - There isn't even a road...

Listen! Don't force me to get rough!

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bust up your car.

It's all right.

You said, a mile?

Well, I'm asking too much.

- You? - You?

Wait a minute. We're in trouble.

Everybody's in trouble. Get out of the way.

You think we wanted to leave you back there?

- It was my son-in-law and that Englishman. - What Englishman? Get out of the way.

You leave us here, and you know what you're going to get?

Nothing! We'll get it all.

How will you do that?

I'll call my son. He lives about 10 miles from Rosita Beach.

He'll drive there and get the money and we're going to have it. That's how!

I was going to offer you a share for taking us to a phone.

But because you're not interested, we'll wait for another car.

Is that true? You really got a brother already down there?

Yes, it's true. Well, that's true.

Alright, but just remember: You said that I get a share.

You get a share. You get a share.

- Come on, Emeline, get in the truck! - Mother, for the last time: Why don't we go to the police?

I'm glad it's the last time.

Say, where did you get this truck?

Let's just say I bargained it, okay?

Ah, I bet you did. I bet you did.

I'm sorry. The nearest place you could get a wheel for this thing...

would be in Canyon City, about 45 miles.

Excuse me.

45 miles. This bloody machine will never do it.

I was just... We're making a terrible mistake.

We better go back and get my mother-in-law.

- Go back? - Yes.

- You couldn't be serious. - Don't you understand?

All she has to do is get to a telephone, my brother-in-law will get there first.

They'll get all and we won't get a dime. You can believe that.

But look here.

Even if she does get all the money, this won't make any difference...

to our agreement. She wouldn't break her word.

I mean to say, I'd still be entitled to 10 percent as agreed. Surely.

Surely. Come on, let's go.

- Operator. - Santa Rosita 7-1-9-6-5.

I'm ringing this Santa Rosita number.

If Russell would really care about me, he never would left me the way he did.

- But he'll come back for me. - Now, listen.

You think everybody's been acting like a bunch of nut-heads or something.

I sure do.

Then let me tell you something.

Back there, when this whole thing started,

I was gonna string along with everybody,

just to get an equal share, my share.

Understand?

You know what I wanted the money for?

I want to be in a position to do something for Miss Jenkins,

this little old lady, that runs a boarding house where I live.

I want to get her, like... well, maybe a wheelchair with a motor on it,

bring her some fresh flowers every day,

in exchange for looking after me ever since I was 15 years old.

That's what I wanted the money for.

And what happens next?

Now, I tell you what happens.

Then they all decide that I'm supposed to get a smaller share,

like I'm somebody extra-special stupid or something.

They don't even care what's a democracy, and in a democracy,

no matter how stupid you are, you still get a equal share.

I don't think that you're stupid.

And then that dirty, rotten, slimy bum that double-crossed me.

When I get a hold of that smart aleck, what I'm going to do him...

If you're there, I hope you just turn away,

that's all, that you just look the other way.

Did you get him?

Maybe he went out for the papers or something.

We can keep on trying.

Just supposing we never do get him? We might be the last ones there.

Just a minute. Down there?

You're kidding. It's too steep.

I drive my jeep down here every day. Let's go!

Yeah, let's go. Let's...

You can turn around here. I sure appreciate this, mister. Thanks.

Yeah, swell, yeah.

Hi, Eddie.

- Is this Santa Rosita? - Yep, we're landing in about 12 minutes.

At least we won. We got here first. We are the first ones. Oh, boy!

Honey, the first thing we will do: We gonna get a pick and a shovel.

No, no, no. First thing, we get a taxi...

- and then we get a pick and a shovel. - I can't believe it, Melville.

I think, way back I was willing to share and share alike with them all, you know?

But not now. Now we get it all!

- Hey, where is the pilot? - Tyler's probably still in the shower.

Tyler! There he is!

- Tyler! Hey, Tyler! - Hey, you promised!

Hey! I'll wake him up. Tyler!

- Tyler! - Huh? Huh?!

Wake up! Come on now!

Tyler, wake up! Wake up now!

- Get out of here! - Wait!

Mr. Fitzgerald!

He's out again, Benjy!

Listen, I got to get out of here.

Will you ask your father to show me? There must be some other way out!

Come on! Hurry up!

I could show you a way out. There's another way to the road.

You know another way to the road? Good. Come on in. Don't stand there.

If you show me the way out, I'll give you $1.

- Hm... $3. - $3? Why, you...

Yeah, all right. I'll give you $3.

But don't stand there, hop in the car. Hurry kid, I got to get out of here!

Come on, hop in there! All right.

- Now, which way is it? - The other way.

- That way? - What happened to your door?

Never mind my door. This is the way, eh?

You're a... good little boy.

- They're not here, they're gone. - Probably got a lift.

But we only passed six or seven cars and they weren't in any of them.

Somebody must have picked them up and taken the other way.

I think we better go back to that place we phoned from.

What? That's miles in the wrong direction.

Besides, we can't be certain they'll be there.

I don't know, I must find my wife. And I don't know what to do.

Wherever they are,

surely the most sensible thing is for the two of us to press on.

For all we know, your brother-in-law may be out or away somewhere.

Even if he were the first there, he still has to find the money.

I earnestly recommend we forget your good ladies...

and press on with all possible dispatch.

All right. We'll press on with all possible dispatch.

And I don't really think that personal rancor...

is going to help the situation, if I may say so.

Okay, come on, honey. Let's go. We're here.

We got here first. Let's go. Come on. I got you.

Attaboy, baby.

We made it. We're here first.

Take care of my car until we get back, right?

Come on, let's go. Will you go? Come on!

Over there?

There?

Down there?

That'll be $2.90.

$2.90? Here's $3.00. Keep the change, but wait for us, okay?

Oh, sure.

Wise guy. Come on, let's go.

- No, we're closed. It's 12:00. - It's 12:00. They're closed.

Wait a minute! All we want is a pick and a shovel!

Mr. Dinkler's inside.

Dinkler. That's it. We'll get Dinkler. Come on.

TOOLS GARDEN IMPLEMENTS

Downstairs. Come on.

They must be here someplace. Down here, yeah.

Look for a pick and a shovel, all right?

Pick and a shovel, must be someplace around.

That's all I need.

That's all I need, boy. That's all I need, a pick and a shovel.

I found it!

Got it!

- But there... - I got it! I found it!

I've no wish to quarrel with you, Finch, but speaking as a representative...

of Her Majesty's Armed Forces, I take the most particular exception...

You want me to tell you something? As far as I'm concerned,

the whole British race is practically finished.

If it hadn't been for land and lease we hadn't kept your whole country afloat...

by giving you billions, that you never even said thank you for,

the whole phony outfit would be sunk under the Atlantic years ago.

- Hey, what are you stopping for? - Get out of this machine.

Get out? You're crazy!

It's my machine. I'll do as I bloody well please. Out!

I'm awfully sorry. I've been very edgy today.

If I said anything about England, I apologize.

I'm glad to hear you say so.

I must say, if I had the grievous misfortune...

to be a citizen of this benighted country,

I should be most hesitant in offering any criticism whatever of any other.

Wait a minute. Are you mocking this country?

Are you saying something against America?

Against it?

I'd be positively astounded to hear anything said for it.

The whole bloody place is the most unspeakable matriarchy...

in the whole history of civilization.

Look at yourself, the way your wife and her strumpet of a mother...

push you through the hoop.

As far as I can see, American men have been totally emasculated.

They're like slaves.

They die like flies from coronary thrombosis...

while their women sit under hair dryers eating chocolates...

and arranging for every second Tuesday to be some sort of Mother's Day.

And this positively infantile preoccupation with bosoms.

In all my time in this wretched country,

the one thing that has appalled me most is this preoccupation with bosoms.

They've become the dominant theme in American culture:

In literature, in advertising, in entertainment, in everything.

I'll wager you anything you like,

if American women stopped wearing brassieres,

your whole national economy would collapse overnight.

F-7 to Central. The Crumps are locked...

in the hardware store basement. Shall I let them out? Over.

How the hell could they get themselves locked in a basement?

- We better let them out. - That ain't fair.

- It ain't fair? What ain't fair? - They got themselves in there.

They ought to be able to get themselves out.

Uh, after all, if you help them, you're not being fair to the others.

But the moment anybody gets to where they're going,

we'll pick them up.

So, what difference does it make who gets there first?

It's a race, ain't it?

Why do you want to help that dentist for?

Me? I've been pulling for that guy Pike with the furniture van.

The rules should be the same for everybody.

Otherwise, it just ain't fair.

Central to F-7.

No. We'll leave them where they are. See what happens.

Watch all the exits, but render no assistance. Over.

Are you happy?

Can't you do it, Melville?

Don't you think I would, if I could?

I'm trying. I'm trying very hard.

I need a drink.

There's some ice and stuff back there. Make us all some Old Fashioneds.

You think you ought to drink while you're flying?

Stop kidding and make us some drinks.

Just press the button back there marked "booze."

It's the only way to fly.

Estimated speed: 175.

We'll never be able to keep up with him.

Better have some of the other units intercept. Over.

Hello, Ginger? What's the matter now?

It's Billie Sue. Her new boyfriend Oscar...

was supposed to come down from Pomona just to meet us.

So now she told him we were going away.

What? What's the matter?

You keep forgetting. If a girl is 6 feet 5 inches tall,

she's bound to have special problems.

- But, Ginger... - They had some argument...

Get out!

...screaming at each other and now the whole engagement's off...

and she says she's leaving.

Leaving what? Leaving home?

Let me talk to her. Get her to the phone.

I'll try. Just a minute. Talk to your father.

I won't. I don't want to talk to him ever.

Don't be ridiculous. Whatever else he is, he is your father.

Captain, there is a captive report. Just came in.

All right! All right! Can you wait a minute?

- Talk to your father. - No! No! No!

- She won't come to the phone. - She... what?

- She won't come to the phone. - Look, you are her mother! Get her to the phone!

- Mel are you all right? - I'm fine. I'm okay.

Look at this: Just another storeroom.

Dynamite!

Dynamite.

We could blow our way out.

Melville, you don't know anything about dynamite and you know how I hate explosions.

Look, I've seen many people blowing tree stumps out with just a little dynamite.

It's simple: You just light it and it goes boom.

That's all. It's...

EMERGENCY ALARM The burglar alarm.

We just throw it on, people hear it, they come and we're out.

Now, don't be frightened, if it makes a big bell noise, you know.

All right? Here we go.

- I don't hear anything. - Neither do I. There's no bell.

Look at it. It just stands there.

Wait a minute.

Stand by.

Burglar alarm. Burglar alarm!

The stupidest burglar in the world could come in here...

and walk away with everything. And we can't even get out!

I was just thinking.

Melville. Mel!

Even if you do get the bell to ring and somebody comes,

what about the damage?

Won't they make you pay for the damage?

Damage?

Make us pay for the damage?

They're the ones who locked us in!

This thing is gotta work!

Help me! Help me, please!

Please, help me!

I love you! Please, help me! I'm frying!

Please, help me! Oh...

Melville!

You hear bells, baby?

Yes?

- Who is that? Who is that? - Who's that?

I want my son! Hey!

Who is that? I want to speak to Sylvester Marcus.

- Sylvester? - Yeah, baby?

It's your mom.

Ah! Good old Mom. Hello!

- Sylvester? Sylvester? - Is that you, Mom?

Of course it's me. I've been trying to get to you all morning.

I've been a little busy.

I've been working and I didn't hear the phone.

Hold on a minute, will you, Mom?

Baby, how about a beer or something? Man, I feel like...

Will you listen? Something's happened.

There was an accident this morning. A man got killed!

Who got killed?

- Now, listen! - You all right?

- Pay attention! - Sis all right?

- Will you listen? - What's wrong?

Can you hear me?

There's a whole fortune in cash.

You can get it before anybody else, but you've got to hurry!

What's the matter? What's going on there? Are you all right?

Of course I'm all right. Sylvester!

Are Russell and Emeline with you?

Forget about Russell. Will you shut up and let me talk?

What's going on? Where's Russell?

Don't even mention Russell!

- When I tell you what Russell did... - Just tell him about the dough.

Keep out of this! Shut up!

- Don't talk. Just listen. - What did Russell do?

He assaulted me, if you wanna know! He grabbed me beside the road.

He and this Englishman I don't even know!

Who's with you and where are you?

I'm with this truck driver in Peterson's Garage in Plaster City.

Will you shut up a minute so I can tell you what happened?

Listen to me close! Stay there, 'cause I'm coming to get you right now.

- Shut up and listen! - Everything's going to be all right.

Your baby's coming to get you.

- Sit there. Relax. Take it easy. - Sylvester!

I'm coming to get you, mom. Everything's going to be all right.

It' my mom. She's going crazy or something.

Maybe raped! Oh!

Well?

So he's coming here. And I'm not to worry about a thing,

because "everything is going to be all right".

Exactly like your father: A big, stupid, muscle-headed moron!

- I tell you, he's exactly like your father! - Oh, mother, how can you say a thing like that about your own...

What are you just standing there for? Come on! What we're waiting for? Let's get going!

- What do you thing you're doing? - I gotta pick your car.

You can't take my car!

- It's my mother! - It's my husband's!

- What will my husband say? - He's going to leave you!

- Sylvester! - I'm coming, mama!

Sylvester!

You better make up a story, something to tell them.

If they see this damage, you're done!

Come on!

Look, I was here first! I got here first, ahead of all of 'em!

I got the plane! I had the whole thing right in the palm of my hand.

And all I needed was a pick and a shovel.

What are you staring at?

A blowtorch.

I could burn our way outta here.

I could burn the lock right out of that door.

Don't make them so sweet this time.

You've had two already. Can't you wait till we're on the ground?

What are you talking about? I'll make the next batch.

You take the controls.

- I don't know how to fly an airplane. - There's really nothing to it.

- But Benjy can't fly! - Nonsense. Anybody can fly a plane.

I'll check you out. Put your little hands on the wheel.

That's it. Now you have it. Now the feet on the rudder.

There you are, feet on the rudder.

Who says this boy can't fly a plane? There you go.

I'm making an Old Fashioned the old-fashioned way...

the way dear old Dad used to.

What if something happens?

What can happen to an Old Fashioned, all right?

Hey, Benjy, I know you don't know what to do, so don't do nothing.

- I won't do nothing. - That boy's a natural-born flyer.

Wait a minute. Benjy! Benjy! Ease back on her!

- I'm easing. - Ease back a little!

- I'm trying my best. - All kidding aside...

I'm not kidding any longer. It's making me...

nervous! Hey! We've got an accident back here!

- What happened? - I don't know!

- Whatever, I'll find out! - What happened? - Wait a minute!

Mr. Fitzgerald! Mr. Fitzgerald!

- Ey, Benjy! - What?

You won't believe it, but he hit his head! He's knocked himself cold!

- Do something! Do something! - What can I do?

- Throw water on him! - Throw water!

Yeah! Yeah!

Not on me!

It's good that truck pulled over. I can't stand this anymore.

In the name of reason, pull yourself together.

You were 10 feet over the line.

Oh! So it's fisticuffs you want, is it? Right. Stick them up!

- No! No! - Come here, you coward!

- Come here! - No! Don't hit me!

- Stop, you! - Don't hit me!

- Blood. - It certainly is.

Come back here, you blimey...

You want to play dirty, huh? Okay!

Foul! Foul!

You're not much good...

without that horrible mother-in-law of yours, are you?

Come on. Fight!

You thought you had me, didn't you?

I'll kill you. I swear!

No, stop, please! No, please.

- Hello. Hello there. - Don't shut the motor off!

I'm not shutting anything off! Hello, anybody! Can anybody hear me?

- I can hear you! - I don't care if you hear me!

Look, I wanna be...

- I don't know whether we're on the air. - Mayday. Call mayday!

Mayday! Mayday, we're up here! Can you hear us? Help!

- Benjy, say something. - Help! Help!

Your daughter, Sir, she's on the other line.

I think there's something wrong.

Hello? Billie Sue?

- Billie Sue, where are you? - I'm at the bus station.

I only called because Mommy said I absolutely...

Now, Billie Sue, sweetie, what are you doing in the bus station?

I'm waiting for the bus.

Oh, now, sweetie, would you just listen to me for a minute?

Billie Sue, now try to understand:

When this things start... em... now, honestly, I don't know what happened,

but all I wanted to do is to celebrate.

Well, I don't gonna see what this has to do with that.

No, well, never mind that, because what I want you to do is just turn in your ticket...

and then get in a cab and go home right away and just wait till I can get there.

Now, will you do that for me, sweetheart?

Oh, please, will you, please, do that one little thing for me?

Your wife's on the other phone.

- Ginger? - Yeah? - I've got Billie Sue on the other line.

Billie Sue, wait one minute, will you?