All language subtitles for ase 1 ser-900

It's a mad, mad, mad...

Mad world

In France the girls wear scanties

But on lamb chops they put panties

I'm telling you it's a mad

Mad, mad, mad world

A Japanese named Luey

Says the Chinese hate chop suey

Without a doubt it's a mad

Mad, mad, mad world

The only thing you are sure of

Is that nothing is sure

Have a ball
Live it up

Only fools give it up

Toujours the amour, but toujours

So be a happy gaffer

Be a screamer
Be a laugher

Let boys be gay and say, "What the hey?"

It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world

My dear old Uncle Herman

Says that French toast should be German

Jawohl
That's right

It's a mad, mad

Mad, mad world

I know it may sound jerky

But in Turkey who eats turkey?

Yes, yes, confess, it's a mad

Mad, mad, mad world

Our traffic is so congested

Mass confusion on wheels

But Detroit is adroit
What they'll do in Detroit

Is make bigger automobiles

So be a happy fellow

Be a clown, boy, Punchinello

Get off the shelf and enjoy yourself

It's a mad, mad, mad, mad

It's a mad
It's a mad

World!

IT'S A MAD MAD MAD MAD WORLD

It's a mad, mad, mad...

Whoa! Did you see it,
the way he went sailing right out there?

He just went sailing out there.

It was just terrible.
He must have been doing over 80.

An ambulance...
We better... we ought to call an ambulance.

Look at that car.
He must have gone by you doing 90 miles an hour.

- He was passing me!
- I never saw such a crazy thing in my life!

- Let's get down there.
- Let's go.

- We're going down there. You stay in the car!
- Russell, be careful. Remember your condition!

Boy, the way he just sailed out there...

Look out, look out, look out!

There's nobody in the car.

- He's right.
- What do you mean "there is nobody"?

There he is!

Holy smoke!

Hey, how about that?

This guy is still alive!
I tell ya, he's still alive.

Maybe we ought to call an ambulance for him right away.

I don't know how he survived, the way
he went sailing right out there.

Look, I'm not a doctor or anything,
but I have some medical experience.

I'm a dentist.

Do you think you're hurt real bad?

Is he kidding?

Just hold on, mister,
we're gonna get you to a hospital.

You move me, I'll break up in little pieces.

But what a deal.

Look, there's this dough, see?

There's all this dough: $350,000!

Do you hear what I'm saying?

$350,000!

In the park, in Rosita,
Rosita Beach State Park,

just south of Dago in Santa Rosita.

It's in this box buried under this...

buried under this big W.

You'll see it.

You'll see it under this...
under this big W.

You can't miss it, a big... a big W.

And it's been there...
And it's been laying there for 15 years.

- He's very sick.
- He may die.

Listen. I tell you, I'm giving it to you.

And don't let them kid you.
Don't let them kid you.

Don't let them give you the business
because it was mine and I paid for it,

paid for every lousy buck of it.

But watch out. Watch out for the bulls!

Lousy, stinking bulls are everywhere.

Bulls all over the place.

You just drive down and dig it up.

Dig it all up.

And then...
and then you fix yourselves all up.

Fix yourselves all up.
Walk down the street like a king,

back to the old neighborhood,
see the fellas,

the dames...
the dames, all with a big hello...

a big hello for old Smiler.

Good old Smiler...

everybody's friend...

everybody's...

- Aunt Belle, I didn't mean to do it!
- Holy mackerel! Take it easy, mister.

Please, say it don't make
any difference, Aunt Belle!

Please, you got to say...

You got to tell me
it don't make any difference!

For heaven's sake, tell him.

It... It don't make any difference.

That guy's dead. You'd better believe it.

I believe it, all right.

But if he jumps up again like he did before,
I'm gonna get the hell out of here.

- Boy, what a routine he went through.
- Somebody ought to cover him up.

What are you looking at me for, pal?
All I got is this sweater.

Ah, never mind, I got a blanket up there in the truck.

Tell me something. Do you think there was anything in all that? I mean, you know, what he was telling?

He was just raving, man. He flipped.

Hey. This must... this must be the police.

You think we ought to tell them
about what he was talking about?

What he was just saying? Don't say anything cause they'll ask us questions. We'll be here all day.

We can't afford to be here all day. We've got to be in Vegas this afternoon.

I got a van of furniture. I've got to get to Yuma.

My wife and I are on our second honeymoon, you know. I don't know why we...

My wife's up there with her mother.
We're on our way to Lake Mead.

What's all the argueing about? We just clam up.
We don't say nothing.

This way, we get out of here.

Are you a police officer?

Yep!

- How long ago did this happen?
- About five minutes ago. A few minutes ago.

About five minutes ago officer.

- Any of you see it, actually see it happen?
- Well, uh...

- He passed me on the curve...
- Did anybody actually see it?

He was passing me
when he sailed right out there.

- Right over there, up there.
- Who was the first down to him?

We all went down.

Was he dead?

Was he already dead?

I said, "Was he already dead
when you got down here?"

Practically.

So he was still alive. Did he say anything?

- Did he say anything before he died?
- What about?

What do you mean, "What about?"

Did he say anything
or didn't he say anything?

Well... he... eh...

- He was raving, Officer.
- Raving? What about raving?

Well, he said... What he said was sort of...

Embarrassing.

What was? Come on.

He thought that this fellow was his aunt.

- His aunt?
- Yeah, his Aunt Belle.

He must have had an aunt named Aunt Belle.

All right!

Did he make any kind of statement?
Any last messages? Anything like that?

He wanted this fella to tell him
it didn't make no difference.

What?

Why you?

- 'Cause he thought he was his aunt.
- His aunt Belle.

That's why.

But was it he wanted you to say
it didn't make any difference?

Officer, he didn't make that clear... at all.
He didn't make it clear.

No, he didn't make anything clear.
Look, officer, can we get going, please?

Now just a minute. Just a minute.

I better get your names and where you can be reached, just in case.

Look, my wife and I, we're on our second honeymoon. We don't know where we'll be. You know what I mean.

We can't stick around.

We're due in Las Vegas.
We don't know how long we're gonna stay or what we'll do.

I got a van of furniture and stuff. I've got to get back to Yuma
before I get back to...

We stopped to see if we could help.

We was too late. Let us go, okay?

We'll hold services for him later.
We got our lives to live.

- We ain't had breakfast yet. You know what I mean?
- All right.

I wanna have to get your name, anyway.

Hold it.

Me?

Why?

Just in case the coroner or somebody wants a statement.

J. Russell Finch,
2790 Penrose Boulevard, Fresno.

But I won't be home for a few weeks
but you can get me through my office.

- What'd you say?
- Where is your office?
- The office?

Pacific Edible Seaweed Company
and it's in Fresno.

- But you can call me through my secretary.
- Ambulance is on its way.

Yeah, the ambulance is on its way.

- Is he dead?
- Yeah.

Listen, we'd better shift those cars up there.
They're on the curb.

That's about all we can get from this group.

Thank you, thank you gentlemen. Thank you very much.

Thanks.

Well... there's an unexpected twist for you.

They're not going to like this
down at Santa Rosita.

- Culpeper's gonna scream.
- Yeah.

- We better get our story straight if you want Culpeper...
- What story?

He woke up as usual.
He started driving his car.

He stopped at a little place for breakfast.

He went into the gents' room,
he climbed out the back window.

So what? Not even Culpeper is gonna say
we should've been in there with him.

What got me is the way
he went sailing right out there.

If I have to climb much more,
I'll be laying there with him.

Poor soul.

Melville, what happened?

We couldn't do anything for him.
Nothing much we could do. Come on.

Well?

- It was a terrible thing, terrible thing.
- Russell, I feel sick.

Take it easy, honey. These things happen.

What kind of attitude is that,
"these things happen"?

They only happen because this country
is just full of people...

who, when things happen, they
just say, "These things happen."

- And that's why they happen!
- Let's try not to get upset.

Come on.

We got to have control
of what happens to us.

If we left it up to you,
we'd never hear the last of it.

You're right.

And do you know what those half-wit
morons up in Sacramento do about it?

They just sit there with their big feet
up on their big desk...

and milk 15 million people of
as much grand as...

Listen, I want to say something.

I'm sorry to interrupt,
but I've got to say something.

- What's the matter, Melville? What are you looking at?
- Never mind, I'm watching something.

Benjy, turn around, sit still.

- Play it straight.
- They're not kiddin' me. They all went for it.

Yeah? So what are you going to do now, huh?

Now listen, I want you to tell me everything
that man told you, word for word.

And don't you leave out anything.

But do you think he really meant it?

Monica, I mean, I mean... I don't know about anybody else,
but some of them believed it.

Like those two back there.
Don't look over there!

I know where it is. It's under a big W.
That's what he said. It's under a big W.

Like a windmill or a waterfall
or something like that.

I hope it's not under a waterfall.

Think of something that starts with a W.

Wealth. Which.

Let's see. Where.

Work. That's it.
I got to work on where it is.

And the one thing that Dr. Carroll said was Russell
was to have no undue excitement of any kind...

for at least two weeks because of his condition.

- Yeah, but I think that...
- That's why we came on this trip...

so Russell could relax.
- Yeah, but I think that...
You should have told the police.

You keep on saying that.
What's the police got to do with it?

Mother, I think the police were chasing the man.
They drove up so fast.

Why shouldn't they have been chasing him?
He was speeding.

I'm only thinking of Russell's condition.

You mean his financial condition.
Beacuse that's the only condition that he has.

And do you know why your husband
had a nervous breakdown?

It's because he has sunk $40,000,
including $15,000 of my money...

into a company that makes
seaweed for people to eat.

Not only does nobody like it,
but it costs over $4 a can.

- Yeah, but...
- "Yeah, but", what?

Most people like it and I like it.

And I'm working hard,
trying to keep the costs down.

Yeah, you were working hard trying
to keep the costs down...

the day you ran out of your office and stood in the street screaming.

- Mother!
- Emeline, shut up! And you, too!

Maybe he was playing some kind of a trick on everybody.

But did you think about that?
He might have been a practical joker.

Oh... Monica! Practical!

What kind of man is going to play a
practical joke on complete strangers...

with every bone in his body broken?

- Watch! Watchtower!
- No.

- Wall...
- No.

- Walnut tree.
- No, no!

- Walnuts.
- No!

- In bags.
- No!

Why are we doing only 35?
Step on it a little! See what happens.

- Mother!
- They'll see what we're doing.

Go ahead and try it.
What have you got to lose?

Mother, he's not that good a driver.

Going to leave the big boy behind, eh?

What are you doing? Why are we slowing down?

It's no use. We can't lose them this way.

Oh, the inside of my stomach...

What's that idiot in the truck trying to do?

What's he doin' back there?

I bet he's running out of gas. Good!

What happened to you?

- Having trouble with your engine?
- What did you do? Run out of gas?

- What, you bend your tailpipe?
- No. It was just one of my tires.

I thought...

Oh shucks! Okay, so I was trying to...

Oh rats.

Look, this whole thing...
I think we're making a very big mistake.

- I absolutely agree.
- So?

So I think we're being a little silly running around like this.

- Sure. We're getting nowhere.
- By George, he's right.

So why don't we do something sensible.
Why don't we discuss this thing...

- and reason something out calmly.
- I'm with you. I'm with you.

And we can come to some conclusion
like intelligent people.

Hey yeah, let's do that: What he said.

Yeah. That way nobody will have an
advantage on one another, right?

It's fair.

We'd better get the cars off that curve.

Yeah, let's not talk here, let's go over there,
there's plenty of room.

- Okay.
- Fine, see you over there.

- Over there.
- Over there.

You're through to Homicide.

Santa Rosita Police Station...

Detective Division.

I'm connecting you now.
Santa Rosita Police Station.

Detective Division. Matthews.

No, Sheriff, the Chief isn't here.
He's a little late this morning.

I'll stay late after school. Who is it?

- Sheriff, Crockett County.
- Who?

- That's where the Smiler is.
- I wonder if anything happened.

Gertie, will you put that call through here?

How about a little coffee, Schwartz?

Hello, Sheriff. Culpeper.

What'd he do, make a break? What happened?

Afraid I got some bad news for you.

- Grogan's cashed in his chips.
- He what?

He crashed his car about 20 minutes ago.

He was making a break, all right.

Well, how did it happen? Where did it happen?

On 39, about 18 miles east
of Danby Junction.

- Nine miles west of Valley Center.
- Were there any witnesses?

A few people went down
to see if they could help.

- Was he killed outright?
- Well, I don't know but I can find out.

Do that, will you? See what they said.

Thanks very much, Sheriff.

Well... it's a great way to start the day.

You wait for 15 years
to solve a really important case...

and just when you...

It's all right, Chief. I'll get it for you.

He did it again.

Get that fella's number! Get his number!

Get that fella's number! Get his number!

Item: One large furniture van.
Item: One red Volkswagen.

That's them. Call in.

2-1-6-2-2-1-5-8.

We just made all four of them
parked alongside the road.

They're just standing there talking. Over.

Sammy, let that ambulance go
and stay by the radio. Got it?

What I'm trying to say is that...

this man that we're dealing with,
may have been some kind of a screwball. You know what I mean?

The man said there was a certain amount
of money buried down in this park.

- That's right.
- Under a big W.

Say, what is a big W?

We find out, we'll send you a wire.

It's only a possibility now. It's only a possibility
that this man was telling the truth.

And if it was the truth, then it is a fact
that this place is almost 200 miles away.

Now I suggest that we quietly get into our cars...

and drive down there
at a safe, sound speed...

keeping each other in sight of each other.

And when we get there, we dig up the money,
providing there is some money there...

and if we do find it, we share it
amongst us in a simple manner.

He's got a point. He's got something there.

- And I think we should go straight to the police.
- The police? Why?

All right, she's with us.
What's this "fair shares for everybody"?

We arrived in four vehicles. I think
we should split it up in four quarters.

Four quarters?
What are you talking about? Quarters?

You mean you three each get a quarter
and we have to split a quarter?

- That's right.
- What are you trying to pull?

- Seems fair to me.
- Naturally, it's fair to you.

- It just cheats us, that's all.
- $350,000 divided by four is...

let's say, $87,500.

That's what it is.

The three of you get $87,500
and Benjy and I have to split.

There was five of us down at the wreck.
We should split it five ways.

He's right. We should.

I'm perfectly willing to discuss it
in a five-way manner.

We can discuss it in a five-way manner,
five shares...

each share would be $70,000...

$70,000?

Holy mackerel!

You realize how many loads
I'd have to haul from Modesto to Yuma...

You're overlooking one thing.

- We're overlooking...
- What little thing?

- What little thing?
- We can all count.

- There were eight of us.
- There were eight of us.

Speaking for my wife and myself,
we'd be just as happy with...

You would be happy with 2/8 instead of 1/4?
That's awfully big of you.

- There's nothing to be gained by losing our temp...
- You have nothing to gain except 3/8 of $350,000.

- He's right. It's not fair to him.
- You shut up!

That's our money you're giving away!

Wait a minute, hold it.
Put it back the way it was before.

Either one quarter for each car,

including the van,
or one fifth for each guy.

- Just because this old bag has to stick her...
- How dare you!

- Madam, that was entirely unqualified.
- You big stupid looking goon!

Hold it, lady. He called you an old bag...

- So he's sorry that he called you an old bag.
- That's right, he's sorry.

- I don't know that I'm so sorry.
- Oh, this is unseemly!

- Yeah, it seems unseemly.
- We're all just behaving like wild animals.

Wild animals have more dignity!

Hold it, will you?
We're wasting a lot of time.

He's right, we're wasting time.

Now, look, why don't we start all over,

only this time discuss it again intelligently,
the way Melville said it the first place.

There is no reason why we cannot talk this...

Shut up!

Captain Culpeper.

- Oh, it's the sheriff on the phone.
- Chief, I took it to cleaners... they said it's ruined.

Oh, I did get my hands on it.
Put it in the back of my car.

- Right, sir.
- I'll take it, sarge.

Alright, alright.

Hello, Sheriff? Culpeper.

Got some news for ya, captain.

All the people in them four vehicles
stopped aside the road...

about 5 miles from where the accident happened.

- All are talking.
- What?

Give me the exact position!

About 4 miles from Valley Center,
from the crossroad there.

4 miles west of Valley Center.

I got two of my best men undercover there.

Now look, Sheriff!

Sheriff, none of those people under no circumstances must those people know that they're under surveillance!

- Right?
- I already took care of that.

Now wait a minute!

Got the numbers comin' in now.

All 4 got California plates.

Put those down!

Blue Chrysler Imperial convertible,
number XRD845.

Blue Chrysler Imperial convertible,
number XRD845.

What do you know, this case isn't cold,
it's wide open.

Hey, Chief! Chief, come in here, will ya?

Aye! What's new this morning?

...convertible, number HCK904.

Red Volkswagen convertible, number HCK904.

Well, well, what is this? A new freeway?

Chief, we got a situation here
that is absolutely incredible.

- Now look, Smiler Grogan... You remember him?
- Oh, yes.

Smiler Grogan spent the night here, see?

Made his break this morning,

he drove up this way, got to here,
where he crashed and killed himself.

But before he died,
some people stopped to help him.

They are now stopped here, talking.

I think they're arguing about something.

And a Crockett County unit
has got them under observation.

You think he told 'em something?

I don't think they stopped
to play Shinny, Chief.

Let's all listen to him!
I said, right now listen to him!

Will you tell us that again, please,
what you told us before?

I will try, but this will be the last time.
I'll try and tell ya.

Now, my plan is very simple.

Now, we give shares to everybody
and for everything.

Now, there were 8... there are 8 of us.

Now, there's 8 shares for that.
Then there were 4 vehicles.

Now, if we give 4 shares for that,
that's 12 shares already, right?

Then, there were 5 of us
who went down to the wreck.

Now, we give 5 shares for that.

So that makes it 17, right?

Now, 17 shares and then we add...

the same number of shares
as there were people in each vehicle, right?

That's 3 for your group, 2 for your group
and 2 for us and 1 for you, right?

Now, that adds up to 25 shares.

Now, 25 into 350,000 is $14,000 per share.

Now, figuring like that would mean...

you'd get 3 shares for being
3 people, 1 share for having the car,

1 share for going down
and looking at the wreck...

and 3 more shares for being
3 more people in the car,

which would give you a total of 8 shares,
giving you $112,000.

That should cover everything,
including the emancipation of women.

Wait a minute. Let's see now...

I got 1 share for being 1 person,

1 share for going down the hill,
1 share for the truck...

and 1 share for being a person in the truck.

But no matter how you figure it out,
I still don't get as much as anybody else.

Let me explain it once more.

Their group, they, those 3 of them,
they get $112,000, right?

Those over there, them, they get $97,000.

We, us, we get $84,000.

And you, by yourself,
you get $56,000 alone,

- and that's tax-free money.
- What do you mean, tax-free?

I mean, if we go down to this park
and we uncover the money and we have it,

I mean, I'm sure he's not gonna
declare anything,

I know he's not gonna declare anything...

- and I'm not gonna declare...
- What are you talking about, declare it?

I mean, it's like non-taxable income.

It's like a gift.

But sure, if we find the money,
we still have to report the taxes.

Otherwise, it's like stealing
from the government.

Could you explain it to him, please?

Who, me?

Well, don't you see, if we find the money,
there may not be any taxes to pay on it...

just because we did find the money.

- But what he was trying to say is...
- Everybody has to pay taxes,

even businessmen that rob and steal
and cheat from people every day,

even they have to pay taxes.

I give up.
Look, anybody got a better, fairer plan, go ahead.

There were 8 of us there,
so that simply means 8 shares.

- 3 for us, 2 for you...
- This is hopeless.

We'll get no place if we continue
listening to this old bag.

Lady, you trying to split us up
so every man's for himself?

And every woman for himself?

One more funny remark from you, buster...

- Let's get out of here.
- Please, don't argue anymore.

We figured it 17 different ways.

Every time we figured it, it was no good.

No matter how we figured it,
somebody didn't like the way we figured it.

Now there's only one way to figure it.

And that is, every man,

including the old bag, for himself!

- So, good luck and may the best man win!
- Right!

Except you, lady. May you just drop... drop dead!

All right. We all agree on that.

Let's be sensible about this thing.
There's money in this for all of us.

There's enough for you.
There's enough for you...

and for me...

and for you...

and there's enough for...

Melville, my shoe!

Get in the car!

2-1-5-8-2-1-6-2, four cars under
observation are passing this checkpoint.

Lead car is Plymouth station wagon.

Next, the Ford van, the Volkswagen...

and the Chrysler Imperial convertible,
all doing about 50.

Yep, they're on their way.

- All traveling in the same direction?
- That's right. According to my boys...

they're all on reckless driving charges already.

None of those people must suspect for a minute
that anybody's interested in them.

Now, Sheriff,
will you get on to Captain Hardesty...

and see how many helicopters
he can let us have?

I'll see what we can do
and I'll call you back.

Now, where have I always told you
that the Smiler hid the dough?

- I know.
- Where?

- Right there.
- That's right, yeah.

Which means, if these merrymakers
decide to go for it,

they'll go to the crossroads and turn south.

But why did Smiler head east
when he made his break,

if the money is down here somewhere?

Oh, Aloysius, I mean the guy is just
being clever. You can't...

$5 will get you $10...

they go to the crossroads and turn south.

You got yourself a bet.

"Mount Shasta National Forest."
Are we near...?

That's on the top!
Look down near the bottom.

- Are we near Oregon?
- That's 700 miles from here.

Don't pass it, Dingy!

You'll lose your license, Dingy.

We're the ones with the Imperial
and we're running last?

I can't pass them on the curves.

Well, go on. Go ahead. Look, there's a space!

Well, what are you waiting for? An engraved invitation?

Get over!

Get over to the side where you belong!

I said it before and I'll say it again:

I didn't want to move to California.

7-6-6-1-7-6-4-8, I'm located
at the Valley Center crossroads.

They're just coming up to you.
Looks like the station wagon's leading,

Volkswagen, the Imperial convertible
and moving van, in that order.

Here comes the station wagon now...

he's turning south.

All 4 now moving south on C-18.

Thank you.

Looks like they're making for highway 66...

Well, that does it. They're headed south.

Look!

Airfield, 5 miles to the south.

- Now, $5 will get you $10...
- No, no, no.

I've got to admit it's enjoyable,
but the entertainment is to expensive.

I'll be in my office.

- Did you find it yet?
- I can't find it anywhere.

Take the wheel. Give me the map.

Take the wheel! Give me the map.

It must be here.
Right over here. Valley Center!

It's right here.

- There's an airfield not far from...
- Get it off!

Get it off your face!

- Get it off me!
- Don't go in there!

Swing over! Watch out!

- Take it off.
- Get it off!

I've had enough.

- They're gonna hire aeroplanes.
- Never mind. Let's go!

- But if they get planes they'll be there hours before...
- I said never mind. Let's go!

Nobody's gonna get me up in the air.

I wanted to be a reasonable guy
and give them all reasonable shares.

No. They wanted every man for himself.

I'm going to show them
what kind of man they're dealing with.

It's stalled, Benjy.
We got dust in the carburetor.

You'll see who the jury will believe,

because it's our word against yours.

In trial will be three of us and only one of yours.
So, you will see who the jury will believe!

Hold it, please! While we're arguing
those other four are hiring planes.

We're all hung up here.
Now, what we need is a breakdown crew.

Yeah, if we got get to some place
where we could rent a car.

Yeah, but there's no traffic
we might be waiting here for...

Wait a minute!
By George, come to Vegas, dammit!

There's a bicycle in the van!

Will you take us or won't you?

For $250, I guess I will.

Good, then you take care of the plane.
We'll leave our car here till tomorrow.

- Meanwhile I'll give you a check.
- Check?

Traveler's check from the Bank of America.
Don't worry.

- Oh, boy.
- Hey!

Are you a pilot? Is there a plane around?

Right both times.

Where's an airplane? I don't see any.

There's only one. We've chartered it.

- So you and your friend...
- Did you make a deal with them?

- Right.
- Where can we charter another plane?

- Nearest place is North Valley.
- Where's that?

Other side of Valley Center,
about 12 miles, 15 miles.

- Excuse us.
- Filibuster, filibuster.

Now you can stick around
and watch us take off.

Listen, dentist. I hate dentists.

I hate you so much, I'm not able to tell
you how much in front of your wife.

Vice versa.

Come on over here! Come on!

Oh, boy! When the people who own this
see this, I sure hate to think...

Never mind.

Here's the bike. Get to the nearest phone...

and hire the best car that you can find.

But this is a girl's bike.
This is for a little girl.

I've got to get this stuff back
so I can lock up the van.

We'll put everything away.
Will you get going, please? Will ya hurry?

Okay.

I got to admit...

I feel kind of silly.

You know what I mean?

Hey, look, they're coming back.
I bet they couldn't get a plane.

- Just the one car. The other two must've...
- You must stop them! Do something to stop them!

- Make them give us a lift!
- Here they come, here they come!

- Hey, stop! Hey, stop!
- Hey, stop! Hey, stop!

- That stupid idiots are not even going the right way.
- No.

They've given up and they are going
to the police.

They just remembered there's such a thing
as human dignity, that's all.

7-6-6-1-7-6-4-8. Listen, Sheriff.

Two guys in a Volkswagen, heading north.
Do we tail 'em? Over.

- No. Pete and Sam can pick 'em up at Valley Center.
- Right.

Good morning.

- Good morning.
- Had an accident?

- Anyone hurt?
- No, but we've got to get...

- to a phone. Can you give us a lift?
- A lift?

Of course, I should be absolutely delighted.

Upsy-daisy. I'm afraid you
caught me on the hub there.

Madam, do be careful.
I have some specimens of cactus...

- Oh!
- I'm most frightfully sorry.

I've been gathering some samples
of desert flora.

Where shall I put this?

Oh, boy!

- Good morning. Morning.
- Morning.

It certainly is. Look buddy, we're in a hurry.
We've got to get to a phone.

Of course, with pleasure.

Jolly nasty accident there.
Jolly lucky nobody was hurt.

Where did you get that funny accent?
Are you from Harvard or something?

Harvard? Rather not. I'm English.

Sounds so foreign.

Really? Oh, I say,
we haven't introduced ourselves, have we?

My name is Algernon Hawthorne...
Col. Hawthorne, actually.

- You're a colonel?
- Lieutenant colonel, actually.

My name is Finch. This is my wife.

This is my mother-in-law, Mrs. Marcus.

Oh, I see. Do stuff those in the back, will you.

Cactus. It's rather a hobby of mine.

Spent the last 10 days
gathering some for my collection.

Nothing spectacular, actually.

Cereus echinocactus, opuntia.
That sort of thing.

Been enjoying a spot of leave
from Vandenberg.

- From what?
- Vandenberg.

The missile place.

I've been attached there
for the last 10 months. Liaison work.

All very hush-hush and whoosh-whoosh.

That sort of thing, you know.

Please, will you look at the road?

Yes. Whoosh-whoosh.

- Don't stop! Keep moving!
- Mother! - I think, we should stop...

That big stupid lout! He was the one
who ran into us. Keep moving!

In that?

- You mean... you tell me that's it?
- Yeah, that's her.

- Would... would she fly?
- Well, she's not seen in one of those beauty contests, but boy...

she'll fly.

- It's nothin', just a brake wire.
- Yeah.

Melville, I'm not going up in that thing.
It's just not safe!

Honey, please, would you leave it to me?

What is this thing hanging out here?

That's an exhaustor. She kicks out
a little smoke every once in a while.

But you are a licensed pilot
to carry passengers, right?

Wee, now, nobody said anything about a license.
I was only trying to do you a favor...

- sort of informal.
- Where the passengers sit?

Up front, ma'am.

But haven't you another car that we...

What? Oh, alright. Thanks.

Look, are you sure you cannot rent us
that truck out there? I'll pay.

I told you mister: We can't.

This is our first week open.
How could we do it without our truck?

We're in business.

We'll have to speak to the Englishman.
If we tell him what happened...

Oh, Russell, you wouldn't.
How can you even admit we're involved in it?

He'll say he's entitled to a share.

Yeah, he would be entitled to a share
if he drove us all the way down there.

And if we don't tell him all about it,
he won't drive us down there.

Oh, you're such a genius.

Listen! Only 10%!

There's no reason at all
why he should expect any more!

That's what we'll do.

$5. Thank you and come in again.

Ah, there you are.
Had any luck with another car?

That's what I wanna talk to you about,
Mr. Hawthorne...

How would you...

What would you say if I told you that we know
of a very simple way for you to earn...

$35,000?

35,000 what?

Dollars.

Thanks for stopping.
Listen, can you give me a lift?

What's with the little kiddy bicycle?
What are you? Some kind of a nut?

No, you see, I had an accident.
Look, I gotta get to Santa Rosita and fast.

Well, I can't help you, friend.
I'm turning off the road a little way up.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Let me just think.

I gotta tell somebody. Look, have you got
a couple of hours you could spare?

A couple of hours?

Hey, pal, you've been out in the sun too long.
You better watch this, 'cause you're starting to crack up.

No, wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Listen! Just wait a minute!

Just hear me out.

Now, what I'm gonna tell you,
you just ain't gonna believe it could've happened.

But, you see, there was an accident
here a little while back,

about 20 miles back. It involved $350,000.

Now, like I said,

when I tell you this, you just ain't gonna believe
it could've happened.

Try me. I'm pretty gullible.

I just won't fly in this old...
Look into it.

Look at how it's shuddering.

Can't we just get back in the car and
go on with our second honeymoon...

and forget all about this?

Honey, please, darling,
believe me, everything is all right.

Do you think I'd take a chance with you
if there was any danger in flying this thing?

This is a plane that's really built,
you know.

- When was this plane built?
- 1916. - 1916.

1916. These planes are tried and true.

There's nothing experimental
about these planes.

So, come on. Let's have one big adventure.

Get up there and have some fun. Here we go.

- That scratched the paint.
- Help!

I never saw nothing like that one before.

You better tell MPA to pick his license number.

What bothers me is this big W.

You sure you told me all you know?
You don't know what that guy meant by the big W?

No, none of them know.
It's just who gets there and first.

What do you say? Is it a deal?

Um... Deal!

Kid, you better get that bike out of there.

Somebody could trip over it in the dark.

RAY & IRWIN
GARAGE

SERVICE IS OUR MIDDLE NAME

Fellas, I'm glad you're here.
Look, I need your help.

I had this blowout.
I think there's a spare in the back.

It may be a little flat. Take a look at it, kid.
Is there an airport anyplace around?

If the spare's flat, don't fix it.
Give me a new tire.

You ain't got a new tire, fix the spare.

But don't look at me, move it.
You could be gassing up.

What is it, a staring contest?
Move, move, will you? Come on!

Oh, now, what is it?

You know what his honor is like.
I don't want to keep him waiting.

I'll make it fast.
It's partly him I want to talk to you about.

- The Mayor?
- Yeah.

And the Counselor. Now look, Al,

you know next week the counselor
is gonna start talking about pensions again.

And now, I know that you think that you know
everything that I'm going to say,

but you don't know the whole story.

Al, in four months I'll be through.
I'll be finished.

The pension in my grade...

has not been upped one red cent since 1934.

Now, Al,

if the Mayor will get behind a resolution...

What can I do?
I can't put any pressure on the Mayor!

You can, Al.

That's the whole point.

This case, I'll have finished by tonight.

It's one of the biggest cases
we've ever had across our books.

Tell the Mayor about it.

Tell him the money is right here,
where I always said it was,

right in this neighborhood.

Tell him what credit will be reflected
upon the department.

Come on, Aloysius,
get in there and pitch a little for me.

Well, I can try.

He'll listen to you.

If he gets behind this,
it'll pass unanimously.

Now, you know...

You know, Al, I got it coming.

I'll do everything I can.

- You know that, don't you?
- Yes.

There's just one other little thing about...

- Oh...
- No, nothing.

Vacation.

Once I get Smiler Grogan out of the way,
my desk is clear.

I'd like to take a three-week vacation.
Take Ginger on a real nice holiday.

- Is that all right with you?
- Of course it's all right.

Thanks. I can hardly wait to tell her.

- You won't forget about the Mayor?
- No.

I'll do my best. I promise you that.

Aloysius, I'll never forget you for this.

You know something, Al?
I got a feeling this morning...

that everything's coming my way.

Sylvester!

- Why did you do that for?
- What are you shouting for?

- Do you have to scare everybody?
- Are you crazy?

Why didn't I think?

We've been running around like lunatics.

Why didn't I think about Sylvester?
He's sitting there right now.

- He lives on Silver Strand Beach.
- I never thought of that.

- Who on earth is Sylvester?
- My son, Emeline's brother.

He's a lifeguard down there.

I'm not entirely certain
that you haven't damaged this machine.

Are there many blowouts up here? Why don't you
move closer to the city and get more action?

Oh, kid, don't mind polishing, this is wonderful clean.
I got a lot of cars. Don't bother.

You did a good job.

Have a drink on me. Keep the change.

I took care of your buddy. Let me go now.

You!

No! It's that lunatic
who escaped from the asylum!

Watch him! He's a homicidal maniac!

Get on the phone, yell "Mayday."

Listen to me. I'm a psychiatrist.

This man is insane! I'm not your nurse.

He has a hate complex.

Calm down!

Somebody will stumble
over the little girl's bicycle in the dark, huh?

Well, when I finish with you, they'll be
stumbling over you in the dark!

Get on the phone!

Look out!

IF YOU DON'T SEE IT... ASK FOR IT

Look, I was clowning.

Get out of here! Sir, wait a minute.

You've got this all... Why don't you stop?

I tell you. I'll kill you!

You got this... Wait!

Don't take it so...

Will you stop staring and get out of...

He's out of his head.

- He's crazy!
- Want us to call... Ray!

It's a brand-new pump!

- Get out of here!
- Stop that!

Stop that! He's crazy!

Very good. Quick thinking. I'm proud of you.

Very good. Tie him up.

I'll have some orderlies come by
with a straitjacket.

- Very good. I'm proud of you.
- I never saw anything...

- How many people has he killed?
- There'll be more.

Tie him up for the boys
in the white jackets.

I'm proud of you, boys.
You did a real good job.

Look me up. I'm in the book. Dr. Zillman.

Holy mackerel!

When he started to...

Listen, we better get him tied up!
What we gonna do if he comes to?

- Hit him again!
- Oh, I couldn't!

- Sir, we've got to get to Santa Rosita.
- I tell you, this is a club.

We don't do charters.
Nobody here can take you.

- Whose plane is that?
- That belongs to Mr. Tyler Fitzgerald.

He isn't going anywhere today.

- Is he here? Can we see him?
- Mr. Fitzgerald's in the billiard room.

- He's asleep. Nobody can talk to him.
- Can we just ask him a question?

Can't we just ask him?

No, you can't.

Hello? Wait a minute!

Come on, Benjy.
That must be Mr. Fitzgerald over there!

- You can't disturb Mr. Fitzgerald!
- We just want to talk to him.

- Let him rest, please.
- Hello.

Don't shush me! We're trying to talk to him.

Wake up, won't you please?

I think he's got a cold.

Mr. Fitzgerald, listen. Please, sir.

We hate to disturb your sleep,
but it's an emergency.

You've no right to crash in here.

That's a head cold.

Mr. Fitzgerald,
you know where Rosita Beach is?

- Only you can get us there.
- It's a matter of life and death.

Right, a matter of life and death.

- It's our grandmother. She's dying.
- Who's dying?

Our grandmother is dying
and she's sent for us.

She's in Rosita Beach.
She's dying and we're up here.

She'd like us with her when she goes.

Otherwise, she won't go.

- She'll go.
- Sir, they forced their way in here.

No, we didn't. Let me introduce myself.

I'm Dingy Bell. This is Benjy Benjamin.

- How do you do?
- Don't start with that!

Sir, we'd like you to help us out
by taking us down...

- What's the matter?
- Wait just a minute.

I can't see!
Something's happened to my eyes.

I can't see!

You can't see? He can't see.

- Must be an eye cold.
- George, I can't see.

- One minute, Mr. Fitzgerald.
- I can't see! George!

George!

Mr. Fitzgerald!

We want to make sure he doesn't get loose.

I'll kill that dirty rotten bum...

if I get my hands on him. What's the matter?

How come I'm all tied up like this?

You just sit there.
Everything will be all right.

Yeah, a couple of friends are coming
to take good care of you.

What friends? What are you talking about?
Get this stuff off me. Turn me loose.

Take it easy. You've been sick.

Who's been sick?
And where's that bum with the glasses?

Now just sit still,
because the doctor is going to get...

What doctor? I don't know no doctor.
What are you guys, crazy or something?

I'm warning you.
Get this stuff off me, you understand?

- Get this stuff off me!
- Watch him, Ray, watch him!

I'm warning you!
I'm going to have to hit you again.

My arm! You broke my arm!

Now, fellas, you keep this up
and I'm going to get sore. I mean it!

Okay. That's the way you want it,
that's the way you're going to get it.

- I'll kill you!
- Whoo!

- Help! He's ruining our place!
- Come on, Ray!

MEN
WOMEN

- You better get out of here, mister!
- Leave us alone!

- Uh-huh. There you are.
- What are we going to do?

Dr. Zillman! Dr. Zillman!

Help! Put me down! Put me down immediately!

- That's the way you want it?
- Help! Help!

- Are you all right?
- I'm fine.

He's nuts! He's really nuts in his head.

I mean it!

- Did you've ever seen a thing like that before?
- No.

Holy Jumper! They're coming back for more.

Look out, you crazy nut!

You're getting out of line. I'm not
kidding. I've had all I can take.

Irwin, we'll have to kill him.

- Ready?
- Ready.

- Set?
- Set.

Charge!

He's going nuts! He's really nuts!