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APPLAUSE
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Hello and welcome to Top Gear,
where it's a sad day
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00:00:32,811 --> 00:00:36,570
at Television Centre, because this
is our last show of the series.
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AUDIENCE: Ahhh! Gutted.
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Don't worry, because we're going out
in style, by solving, no question,
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the biggest issue facing
humankind today -
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the male midlife crisis.
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Christopher?
LAUGHTER
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Thank you, Paddy.
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The other day, the producers were
going on about midlife crisis cars.
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"You know the type," they said,
"probably a two-seater,
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00:00:58,385 --> 00:01:01,144
"maybe a convertible,
definitely a bit showy,
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00:01:01,145 --> 00:01:03,344
"bought by men of a certain age."
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Fred? Thanks.
LAUGHTER
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And we said,
"What are you talking about?
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"There's no such thing
as a midlife crisis car.
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"What there is is a midlife
opportunity car,
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"a car that's not about
boot space or ISOfix points.
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"A car bought by men of a certain
age to make them
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"feel good about themselves."
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Paddy?
LAUGHTER
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Well, luckily, Fred and Chris,
that doesn't affect us.
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But the producers said,
"Lads, you're clearly all in denial.
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"But if you reckon these midlife
opportunity cars are so great,
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"take eight grand, go out
and bag yourself a gem of a crisis."
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MUSIC: Loaded
by Primal Scream
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Crisis? What crisis?
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Ladies and gentlemen,
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I give you eight grand's worth
of midlife...
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..opportunity.
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The TVR Chimaera.
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If life's a bit dull, need a bit
of a shake-up, trust me...
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♪ Ah, yeah... ♪
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..this will shake you up.
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Four litre, V8, rear-wheel drive.
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This is a sports car for the purist.
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There's no power steering.
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There's no ABS, no traction control.
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It's temperamental.
40
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This thing will throw you in a hedge
if you get on the wrong side of it.
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00:02:33,925 --> 00:02:36,565
♪ We want to be free to do what
we want to do... ♪
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But, best of all,
it was built in Lancashire.
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And that puts it on my list
of all-time greats.
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I was going to buy one of these
when I was 21.
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I went to the factory in Blackpool
and had a look round,
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got pretty much this
identical car in silver.
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The problem was, though, I couldn't
get insured. Nobody'd have me.
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00:03:01,565 --> 00:03:02,965
Now I'm 43...
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..I can get insured!
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And, in my book, that's a pretty
good excuse to roll back the years.
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♪ Ah, yeah... ♪
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It's an opportunity.
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I've got the earring back in,
a nod to me mid-20s!
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♪ We want to be free to do what
we want to do... ♪
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Here we go.
ENGINE ROARS
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Oh-ho-ho!
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What a car!
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Yes, it is,
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but the one thing that's better than
a sports car with a big V8...
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..is a sports car
with an even bigger one.
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MUSIC: Layla
by Derek And The Dominoes
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The Vauxhall Monaro.
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The thinking man's muscle car.
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An American design,
built in Australia, sold in England.
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It's multicultural. It's exotic!
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This thing is so rare, they only
sold a couple of hundred in the UK.
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Love that!
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Don't let the badge fool you.
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Underneath, this is a Holden,
an Aussie muscle car legend,
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00:04:21,045 --> 00:04:24,124
packing a 5.7-litre V8,
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producing over 370 hp.
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This thing is special at any speed.
The V8 burbles.
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I feel I'm not in an ordinary car.
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It's comfortable and it's relaxing.
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Until you put your foot down...
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ENGINE ROARS
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..and then it's a gibbering lunatic!
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Very nice, but, also, very wrong.
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MUSIC: E strano! E strano!
Ah, Fors'e Lui - La Traviata
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If you want to make the most
of your midlife opportunity,
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there's only one badge
you really need.
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The Prancing Horse.
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Il Cavallino Rampante.
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Ferrari.
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ENGINE WHOOSHES
Oh, bellissimo!
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And I know what you're thinking.
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"Mr McGuinness, how do you get
a Ferrari for eight grand?"
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00:05:29,565 --> 00:05:31,404
Well, trust me, my friends,
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I have my ways.
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Absolute genius.
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Genius I'd soon dazzle the other two
with, as we've been told
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to meet up with our
midlife masterpieces
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00:05:44,045 --> 00:05:46,405
at Wiltshire's finest racetrack.
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00:05:47,925 --> 00:05:51,164
Oh, Castle Combe, here we are.
95
00:05:51,165 --> 00:05:53,804
Oh, look at that. The first one
here.
96
00:05:53,805 --> 00:05:55,605
But that happens a lot in a TVR.
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00:05:57,005 --> 00:05:58,924
Oh, this is Harris.
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What's Flintoff gone for?
The TVR Chimaera.
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00:06:03,445 --> 00:06:07,444
He might have made
the right choice, there.
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He's got a bright red Vauxhall.
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00:06:09,725 --> 00:06:11,604
Morning, Fred. Morning.
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00:06:11,605 --> 00:06:16,724
Now, I have to say... that is
the perfect British sports car.
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Great effort. What is that?
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00:06:18,445 --> 00:06:22,244
That is a Vauxhall Monaro.
Is it really?
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00:06:22,245 --> 00:06:26,684
Oh, come on, it's perfect, it's got
a V8, it's practical, it's special.
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Is it special? The one thing about
these cars is living your best life.
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Yeah.
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Look at them, look at them! OK...
Look at them! Look at them!
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I want to give you grief but I can't
because this is
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a great choice of car.
That is the Austin Healey
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of the modern era, isn't it?
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00:06:40,085 --> 00:06:43,564
However, I can get the family in
this. So I've got the V8 muscle...
113
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But no, no... when I want it.
..you've missed the point of this.
114
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What? This is not about the family.
This is not about getting the kids
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00:06:49,325 --> 00:06:51,324
in the back. This is about our time.
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This is about your time.
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This is about Chris Harris
taking a car out just for him.
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MUSIC: Liabiamo Ne'lieti Calici -
La Traviata
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What in the name of...?
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Is that a 355?
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00:07:07,245 --> 00:07:09,724
No, it isn't! No, it isn't!
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CHRIS LAUGHS
No!
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00:07:12,085 --> 00:07:14,764
Ciao. Konnichiwa. No!
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00:07:14,765 --> 00:07:17,164
How are you? No!
125
00:07:17,165 --> 00:07:20,964
Look at it, though!
My eyes! My eyes!
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00:07:20,965 --> 00:07:24,444
To be fair, if you were down
the road, looking at that,
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00:07:24,445 --> 00:07:27,324
you'd be giving it "355".
You wouldn't hear it coming!
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THEY LAUGH
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00:07:29,525 --> 00:07:31,644
I'm telling you ...love it!
130
00:07:31,645 --> 00:07:34,724
Look, look, it's a fake Ferrari.
The Toyarri.
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00:07:34,725 --> 00:07:36,444
CHRIS LAUGHS
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What is it? It's an MR2. Is it?
250 brake horse. Yeah.
133
00:07:40,165 --> 00:07:42,804
It's had more chips
than Harry Ramsden's.
134
00:07:42,805 --> 00:07:45,844
It's lively. I love it. How much?
135
00:07:45,845 --> 00:07:48,724
I've gone a bit over budget.
How much? Only a bit.
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00:07:48,725 --> 00:07:51,364
Eight grand was the budget.
Yeah. Nine and a half.
137
00:07:51,365 --> 00:07:53,444
You spent nearly ten grand on that?
138
00:07:53,445 --> 00:07:56,044
Yeah. Someone left that room
laughing. It wasn't you.
139
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This is a rare car.
140
00:07:57,845 --> 00:08:01,044
355s are ten a penny. This thing...
141
00:08:01,045 --> 00:08:04,804
You've got to search for one.
And look at the nick it's in, boys.
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00:08:04,805 --> 00:08:07,324
The great thing about these
conversions is even people
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00:08:07,325 --> 00:08:10,444
that know nothing about cars know
instinctively that this isn't
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00:08:10,445 --> 00:08:13,204
a 355, it's THAT wrong!
No, they don't! Yes, they do!
145
00:08:13,205 --> 00:08:16,804
No, they don't! People'll like it.
It makes people smile.
146
00:08:16,805 --> 00:08:20,044
It's all about being
positive in life. What's that?
147
00:08:20,045 --> 00:08:21,764
Is that five or six litres,
that thing?
148
00:08:21,765 --> 00:08:24,924
5.7. A lot of car. Yeah.
149
00:08:24,925 --> 00:08:27,844
And I'm going to enjoy that. OK.
And this is a powerful car.
150
00:08:27,845 --> 00:08:30,724
It's a Vauxhall, at the end of
the day. You've picked a Vauxhall.
151
00:08:30,725 --> 00:08:32,964
Well, it's a Holden, actually.
What? It's a Holden.
152
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Same thing. With a Vauxhall badge
on it. It's just the Aussie bit.
153
00:08:35,805 --> 00:08:39,404
It's fine. Oh? So very similar
to this? No, no, no! That...
154
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This is totally fraudulent.
You've just said about...
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00:08:42,245 --> 00:08:44,284
VOICEOVER: Now, we could have argued
156
00:08:44,285 --> 00:08:46,524
over who bought
the best fake car all day.
157
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Look, look, see, that's all it is.
There's the Holden badge.
158
00:08:49,085 --> 00:08:50,444
Yeah, but listen, listen...
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00:08:50,445 --> 00:08:53,764
VOICEOVER: But before Harris could
pull apart any more of his Vauxhall,
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00:08:53,765 --> 00:08:56,284
something about Flintoff
caught my eye.
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Stop.
162
00:08:58,365 --> 00:09:00,205
Have you got an earring in? Yeah.
163
00:09:03,205 --> 00:09:06,004
I like it. I like it.
164
00:09:06,005 --> 00:09:08,644
This is what it's about, lads, hey?
165
00:09:08,645 --> 00:09:12,524
Takes me back, that. We're here.
We're in our beautiful cars.
166
00:09:12,525 --> 00:09:14,764
We're at a racetrack.
167
00:09:14,765 --> 00:09:17,204
The Prancing Horse wants to dance!
168
00:09:17,205 --> 00:09:19,524
CHRIS LAUGHS
Come on, lads! Go on, Paddy.
169
00:09:19,525 --> 00:09:22,005
Sayonara! Let's do it!
170
00:09:24,245 --> 00:09:28,404
ENGINES REV
171
00:09:28,405 --> 00:09:30,605
It looks even worse from here!
172
00:09:33,925 --> 00:09:37,764
Oh, yes, it was time to show what
a midlife opportunity really
173
00:09:37,765 --> 00:09:43,124
looks like by heading out on
the track and opening up the taps.
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00:09:43,125 --> 00:09:46,164
Oh-ho-ho, jeez!
175
00:09:46,165 --> 00:09:47,205
What a car!
176
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It really does go!
177
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Go on!
178
00:09:52,205 --> 00:09:54,205
0-60, five seconds.
179
00:09:55,325 --> 00:09:59,005
Top speed over 150 mile an hour,
that is enough.
180
00:10:00,645 --> 00:10:02,764
For this car, that is enough.
181
00:10:02,765 --> 00:10:04,964
BRAKES SQUEAL
182
00:10:04,965 --> 00:10:06,924
Jeez!
183
00:10:06,925 --> 00:10:09,924
BRAKES SQUEAL
184
00:10:09,925 --> 00:10:11,284
Look at that!
185
00:10:11,285 --> 00:10:13,124
HE LAUGHS
186
00:10:13,125 --> 00:10:15,204
Harris is sliding it about.
187
00:10:15,205 --> 00:10:17,644
Little bit of opposite lock,
not too much.
188
00:10:17,645 --> 00:10:20,605
Use the power,
of which there is plenty.
189
00:10:24,965 --> 00:10:28,325
No, this is not
an authentic Ferrari...
190
00:10:30,605 --> 00:10:33,044
..obviously.
191
00:10:33,045 --> 00:10:36,044
But it's not about that.
This car is about fun.
192
00:10:36,045 --> 00:10:38,564
It's about having a good time.
193
00:10:38,565 --> 00:10:41,964
And it is an MR2,
so it's great to drive.
194
00:10:41,965 --> 00:10:44,404
GEARBOX CRUNCHES
195
00:10:44,405 --> 00:10:46,284
Well, it is when the gearbox works.
196
00:10:46,285 --> 00:10:47,725
GEARBOX CRUNCHES
197
00:10:50,285 --> 00:10:51,964
But that doesn't matter.
198
00:10:51,965 --> 00:10:55,964
Point is this car's a tribute act.
199
00:10:55,965 --> 00:10:59,164
It's the Rolling Clones.
It's Fake That.
200
00:10:59,165 --> 00:11:01,404
We know it's not the real thing.
201
00:11:01,405 --> 00:11:05,165
But you're still going to have
an absolutely great night!
202
00:11:10,325 --> 00:11:11,884
Make a bit of room, Chris.
203
00:11:11,885 --> 00:11:13,364
Ferrari coming through.
204
00:11:13,365 --> 00:11:15,804
THEY LAUGH
205
00:11:15,805 --> 00:11:17,765
Hello, there, gentlemen.
206
00:11:18,925 --> 00:11:21,564
This is what it's all about, boys,
isn't it, eh?
207
00:11:21,565 --> 00:11:24,884
Just three young lads enjoying
their mid-lives.
208
00:11:24,885 --> 00:11:27,724
They're living the dream.
209
00:11:27,725 --> 00:11:30,364
ENGINES REV
210
00:11:30,365 --> 00:11:33,965
Right, lads, what's that?
Looks like a car park.
211
00:11:37,005 --> 00:11:38,565
Are they a load of Saxos?
212
00:11:42,525 --> 00:11:45,325
The Junior Saloon
Car Championship?
213
00:11:49,565 --> 00:11:51,485
Oh, ho-ho-ho!
214
00:11:53,325 --> 00:11:56,484
What have we got here, then?
Young people.
215
00:11:56,485 --> 00:11:58,084
All on their phones, aren't they?
216
00:11:58,085 --> 00:12:00,884
Look at 'em! Don't look up.
No eye contact. Nothing.
217
00:12:00,885 --> 00:12:02,924
See this lad here?
218
00:12:02,925 --> 00:12:05,364
That's like a young me.
I could go and give him some advice.
219
00:12:05,365 --> 00:12:07,084
Have you been round here
220
00:12:07,085 --> 00:12:09,924
a few years ago on tour
with the cricket lads?
221
00:12:09,925 --> 00:12:12,884
Like an advert for JD Sports.
222
00:12:12,885 --> 00:12:14,244
Here we go.
223
00:12:14,245 --> 00:12:16,644
"One of the biggest fears
of a midlife crisis
224
00:12:16,645 --> 00:12:18,924
"is being overtaken
by the younger generation.
225
00:12:18,925 --> 00:12:21,724
"Time to find out
how long you and your cars
226
00:12:21,725 --> 00:12:23,844
"can keep the youth at bay."
227
00:12:23,845 --> 00:12:25,884
Oh. These?
228
00:12:25,885 --> 00:12:29,444
I'm happy. I'm not worried at all.
I'm confident.
229
00:12:29,445 --> 00:12:32,644
He's just given you the evils, him,
over there. Has he? Yeah.
230
00:12:32,645 --> 00:12:35,604
Speak when you're spoken to, son.
Adult speaking. Thank you.
231
00:12:35,605 --> 00:12:38,845
Unbelievable. Let's have it right.
Time for these kids to be schooled.
232
00:12:40,885 --> 00:12:42,164
Yes.
233
00:12:42,165 --> 00:12:44,524
To prove we weren't over
the hill just yet,
234
00:12:44,525 --> 00:12:47,485
we'd be taking on a whole grid
of teenage racers.
235
00:12:50,005 --> 00:12:52,565
Our aim was to try
and stay out in front...
236
00:12:53,605 --> 00:12:56,124
..with the winner being
whoever was overtaken
237
00:12:56,125 --> 00:12:59,285
by the fewest Saxos
over two laps of the track.
238
00:13:00,605 --> 00:13:03,244
So, with three old men's
pride at stake,
239
00:13:03,245 --> 00:13:06,165
Flintoff with his TVR were up first.
240
00:13:07,565 --> 00:13:10,444
Don't let the little scallywags
intimidate you.
241
00:13:10,445 --> 00:13:12,045
You're going to do well, son.
242
00:13:17,005 --> 00:13:18,525
Here we go.
243
00:13:24,365 --> 00:13:26,084
Come on, get away from the Saxos.
244
00:13:26,085 --> 00:13:28,244
LAUGHTER
245
00:13:28,245 --> 00:13:31,645
Look at the little scoundrels.
They're like flies!
246
00:13:33,485 --> 00:13:35,564
He is making a good job of this.
He's already away.
247
00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:36,844
He's through quarry,
248
00:13:36,845 --> 00:13:38,964
I thought he might have had
a bit of a whoopsy there.
249
00:13:38,965 --> 00:13:41,045
That's the most
crashed corner in the UK.
250
00:13:43,805 --> 00:13:46,765
Into the chicane,
don't let these kids put you off!
251
00:13:50,245 --> 00:13:53,085
Now's he's gone, just me and you.
252
00:13:54,205 --> 00:13:57,244
The earring, looks stupid,
but I didn't want to do that to him
253
00:13:57,245 --> 00:14:00,324
when I was giving it the middle-aged
men thing. It's quite a big rock.
254
00:14:00,325 --> 00:14:02,484
Do you think it's a real one
or is it glass?
255
00:14:02,485 --> 00:14:04,524
No, no, no.
It's the Preston Special.
256
00:14:04,525 --> 00:14:08,045
Is it Swarovski? Preston Special.
Preston Special!
257
00:14:09,525 --> 00:14:11,724
There's a Saxo coming.
258
00:14:11,725 --> 00:14:13,885
Oh, they're all over him!
Like a rash!
259
00:14:15,925 --> 00:14:17,365
Oh, my word, here they come.
260
00:14:19,565 --> 00:14:20,724
Come on, Fred!
261
00:14:20,725 --> 00:14:23,004
They're coming round, look.
262
00:14:23,005 --> 00:14:26,604
I'm holding them, I'm holding them,
I'm holding them! I'm holding them!
263
00:14:26,605 --> 00:14:29,284
They're after him.
They're after...
264
00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:30,925
Come on, Freddie!
265
00:14:34,445 --> 00:14:36,724
I'm on the wrong line,
I'm on the wrong line.
266
00:14:36,725 --> 00:14:38,405
There's a Saxo on my inside!
267
00:14:40,565 --> 00:14:42,284
Oh, one's gone.
268
00:14:42,285 --> 00:14:44,724
No, no, get back, get back,
get back.
269
00:14:44,725 --> 00:14:46,325
Oh, come on!
270
00:14:48,045 --> 00:14:51,644
Oh, two have gone past him.
Come on, Fred!
271
00:14:51,645 --> 00:14:54,724
No, no, no, not on the corner, son.
Not on the corner, get back!
272
00:14:54,725 --> 00:14:56,285
This little get!
273
00:14:59,245 --> 00:15:00,725
Going through, here.
274
00:15:07,165 --> 00:15:08,365
I'm staying on.
275
00:15:11,165 --> 00:15:12,804
This little tinker!
276
00:15:12,805 --> 00:15:14,644
No, no, no, no!
277
00:15:14,645 --> 00:15:17,124
Get past, get past! Get past!
278
00:15:17,125 --> 00:15:19,325
He's held on! Yay!
279
00:15:21,845 --> 00:15:24,884
Do you feel confident
in the Toyarri? No.
280
00:15:24,885 --> 00:15:27,284
CHRIS LAUGHS
281
00:15:27,285 --> 00:15:29,364
CAR SCREECHES
282
00:15:29,365 --> 00:15:31,764
THEY CHEER
283
00:15:31,765 --> 00:15:34,364
Get in there!
Looked like a lot of fun.
284
00:15:34,365 --> 00:15:36,604
That looked good fun. It did.
285
00:15:36,605 --> 00:15:38,484
But they're all over you. Are they?
286
00:15:38,485 --> 00:15:40,204
They're all over you. That's kids!
287
00:15:40,205 --> 00:15:41,684
Do you know one of them?
One of them,
288
00:15:41,685 --> 00:15:43,204
and I'll be having words after.
289
00:15:43,205 --> 00:15:45,084
He'll be getting a dressing down.
Good.
290
00:15:45,085 --> 00:15:47,564
Just cut me on the inside,
ended up on the grass.
291
00:15:47,565 --> 00:15:50,444
I went across the grass.
I want that kid's name. Where is he?
292
00:15:50,445 --> 00:15:53,204
So, you were five down,
but that one got...
293
00:15:53,205 --> 00:15:55,724
No, you can't have that!
No, they said that one counts.
294
00:15:55,725 --> 00:15:57,804
So, it's six cars that overtook you.
295
00:15:57,805 --> 00:15:59,604
McGuinness, get in the Toyarri.
296
00:15:59,605 --> 00:16:03,645
I reckon, first chicane, there will
be about ten past that Toyarri.
297
00:16:04,725 --> 00:16:06,164
Only one way to find out.
298
00:16:06,165 --> 00:16:09,644
Time for McGuinness
to take on the youth.
299
00:16:09,645 --> 00:16:12,524
They're frightened, Paddy,
they're frightened of you!
300
00:16:12,525 --> 00:16:15,044
These greasy conditions are going
to suit the mid-engine
301
00:16:15,045 --> 00:16:16,684
handling of that car.
302
00:16:16,685 --> 00:16:19,324
It doesn't make me feel any better,
but thank you.
303
00:16:19,325 --> 00:16:22,285
ENGINE REVS
304
00:16:26,485 --> 00:16:28,845
Go on, Toyarri!
GEARS CRUNCH
305
00:16:31,885 --> 00:16:34,684
THEY LAUGH
They'll have him, they'll have him.
306
00:16:34,685 --> 00:16:36,644
They're going to get him
by that corner.
307
00:16:36,645 --> 00:16:38,805
I reckon the whole lot will have him
on the first lap.
308
00:16:39,765 --> 00:16:42,524
Oh, they're already on me!
They're already on me!
309
00:16:42,525 --> 00:16:44,485
The little sausages!
310
00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:48,284
Oh, they're up him,
they're up him!
311
00:16:48,285 --> 00:16:50,684
Come on, come on, Pad,
hold them off.
312
00:16:50,685 --> 00:16:52,045
Can't find the gear!
313
00:16:54,565 --> 00:16:56,244
HE SQUAWKS: Oh, one's already here!
314
00:16:56,245 --> 00:16:57,444
One's already here!
315
00:16:57,445 --> 00:16:59,924
Can you imagine how much squawking
is going on inside his car
316
00:16:59,925 --> 00:17:01,724
at the moment? Argh!
317
00:17:01,725 --> 00:17:03,405
Argh! Argh! He's passed.
Little sh...
318
00:17:05,285 --> 00:17:08,084
One... Oh, there's another
one coming.
319
00:17:08,085 --> 00:17:10,564
He's going to get done on
the inside, man!
320
00:17:10,565 --> 00:17:12,485
He's queueing up.
There's a queue behind him!
321
00:17:13,965 --> 00:17:15,365
Here they come.
322
00:17:18,005 --> 00:17:19,525
Oh, oh.
323
00:17:20,725 --> 00:17:22,324
Oh!
324
00:17:22,325 --> 00:17:24,764
See, it's like a ride
at Alton Towers.
325
00:17:24,765 --> 00:17:26,924
They're all queuing up to get past.
326
00:17:26,925 --> 00:17:29,045
Half of them
aren't big enough to go on!
327
00:17:30,685 --> 00:17:32,844
Come on!
328
00:17:32,845 --> 00:17:35,165
Come on, Toyarri!
329
00:17:39,325 --> 00:17:41,645
I'm in the wrong place! Argh!
330
00:17:44,005 --> 00:17:46,084
Oh-ho!
331
00:17:46,085 --> 00:17:50,404
Oh! My word!
332
00:17:50,405 --> 00:17:52,684
They were all over me!
333
00:17:52,685 --> 00:17:57,885
It was like the Pied Piper
being chased by pubescent rats!
334
00:17:59,045 --> 00:18:01,564
Did about eight go past? Six.
335
00:18:01,565 --> 00:18:04,204
Well done, Pad. Don't you worry.
336
00:18:04,205 --> 00:18:06,884
No-one should go past him. No-one.
No-one.
337
00:18:06,885 --> 00:18:09,045
ENGINE REVS
338
00:18:10,485 --> 00:18:12,124
That's right.
339
00:18:12,125 --> 00:18:15,084
It was time for the
semi-professional racing driver
340
00:18:15,085 --> 00:18:18,165
to make a stand for middle age.
341
00:18:19,245 --> 00:18:22,004
Here we go, then.
Six each for both of them.
342
00:18:22,005 --> 00:18:23,724
I've got to do better than them.
343
00:18:23,725 --> 00:18:25,884
I simply have to do better
than them.
344
00:18:25,885 --> 00:18:28,604
Chris, are you all right?
Can we just get this done?
345
00:18:28,605 --> 00:18:30,124
Good luck, Chris.
346
00:18:30,125 --> 00:18:32,524
Good luck, my mate. It's terrible!
347
00:18:32,525 --> 00:18:34,365
Here we go, here we go.
348
00:18:35,725 --> 00:18:37,885
CARS SCREECH
349
00:18:41,725 --> 00:18:43,765
Oh! Oh! Go faster!
350
00:18:44,765 --> 00:18:48,325
Right, these lads
are not coming past me.
351
00:18:51,765 --> 00:18:53,484
Hang on, Holden!
352
00:18:53,485 --> 00:18:57,044
Oh, no. They're not getting
anywhere near him.
353
00:18:57,045 --> 00:18:58,924
No, he's giving it,
you little sods.
354
00:18:58,925 --> 00:19:01,404
Look at him! Look at him!
355
00:19:01,405 --> 00:19:03,644
They're going to be better
on the brakes
356
00:19:03,645 --> 00:19:06,524
and they're going to be quicker
at the corners.
357
00:19:06,525 --> 00:19:08,845
But I'm just not going to
let them pass me.
358
00:19:12,245 --> 00:19:15,084
I'm happy for him. I'm happy
for him. I'm happy for him.
359
00:19:15,085 --> 00:19:16,244
But... Yeah.
360
00:19:16,245 --> 00:19:17,965
..you want a couple past, don't you?
361
00:19:20,725 --> 00:19:22,524
They are coming back at me.
362
00:19:22,525 --> 00:19:24,844
I've got one on my backside now.
363
00:19:24,845 --> 00:19:26,884
That's the technical part
of the circuit.
364
00:19:26,885 --> 00:19:29,245
Hopefully, now,
I'll get a bit of gas going.
365
00:19:33,285 --> 00:19:35,964
Go on, Chris! Go on, son!
366
00:19:35,965 --> 00:19:37,725
Show them how it's done!
367
00:19:38,925 --> 00:19:41,564
He's no chance. He is tapping
his wheel. He's got no chance.
368
00:19:41,565 --> 00:19:44,884
It's not a computer game, son!
It's not a computer game!
369
00:19:44,885 --> 00:19:47,124
♪ Drive boy dive boy
370
00:19:47,125 --> 00:19:48,524
♪ Dirty numb angel boy
371
00:19:48,525 --> 00:19:50,924
♪ In the doorway boy... ♪
372
00:19:50,925 --> 00:19:53,924
Now I can really let
the Monaro stretch its legs.
373
00:19:53,925 --> 00:19:55,445
Have some of that, youth!
374
00:19:58,805 --> 00:20:01,724
The brakes are absolutely
on the floor!
375
00:20:01,725 --> 00:20:03,764
Whoa, he's really trying now!
376
00:20:03,765 --> 00:20:05,845
Come on, then, son!
377
00:20:08,325 --> 00:20:11,764
Big V8 punching me out the corners.
378
00:20:11,765 --> 00:20:14,724
Come on, Holden! Just hold out!
379
00:20:14,725 --> 00:20:16,324
Oh! Oh!
380
00:20:16,325 --> 00:20:18,005
Now push it, Chris!
381
00:20:19,605 --> 00:20:21,885
I'm not letting him past, no way.
382
00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:27,765
Yeah! Come on!
383
00:20:29,125 --> 00:20:31,765
I'm doing this for age,
I'm doing this for experience.
384
00:20:32,965 --> 00:20:35,364
I'm doing this for all
those parents out there
385
00:20:35,365 --> 00:20:38,524
that are sick of the youth
telling us the way it should be.
386
00:20:38,525 --> 00:20:42,285
THEY CHEER
387
00:20:45,085 --> 00:20:47,565
Yes, baby! It's a victory.
388
00:20:52,005 --> 00:20:55,284
Oh... Oh... Oh...
389
00:20:55,285 --> 00:20:57,444
Christopher! Chris Harris!
390
00:20:57,445 --> 00:20:59,924
A little bit of experience there,
boys.
391
00:20:59,925 --> 00:21:02,004
You can't buy it
and you can't bottle it.
392
00:21:02,005 --> 00:21:05,484
Well played, sir.
That was a lesson in maturity.
393
00:21:05,485 --> 00:21:07,084
I like it when he's in a good mood,
394
00:21:07,085 --> 00:21:09,524
cos we're going to have great day
now. Look at him.
395
00:21:09,525 --> 00:21:10,724
Where are we off to now?
396
00:21:10,725 --> 00:21:12,684
THEY EXCLAIM
397
00:21:12,685 --> 00:21:13,844
Come on, you little tinker!
398
00:21:13,845 --> 00:21:15,684
I tell you what, Chris,
I'm so happy for you.
399
00:21:15,685 --> 00:21:19,164
Go on. Well done.
Come on, you. Well done, little man.
400
00:21:19,165 --> 00:21:21,204
I tell you, you've got
a spring in your step...
401
00:21:21,205 --> 00:21:23,764
Look at that - he's happy.
Little bow legs are going.
402
00:21:23,765 --> 00:21:24,884
Oh...
403
00:21:24,885 --> 00:21:27,565
MUSIC: Step On
by Happy Mondays
404
00:21:29,645 --> 00:21:31,364
How are they driving, boys?
405
00:21:31,365 --> 00:21:34,444
The Toyarri is still driving well.
406
00:21:34,445 --> 00:21:37,524
The Monaro, it's just bob on.
407
00:21:37,525 --> 00:21:40,604
I've got to tell you,
this car's doing all right.
408
00:21:40,605 --> 00:21:44,284
After what I did in it on the track,
it's doing surprisingly well.
409
00:21:44,285 --> 00:21:46,165
♪ He's gonna step on you again
410
00:21:48,165 --> 00:21:54,044
♪ He's gonna step on yo-u-u-u-u... ♪
411
00:21:54,045 --> 00:21:56,684
Lads, I were looking online
412
00:21:56,685 --> 00:22:00,844
at telltale signs of
a midlife crisis... Ooh.
413
00:22:00,845 --> 00:22:02,204
..and they had a list.
414
00:22:02,205 --> 00:22:05,284
Do you want me to run through 'em?
See if we tick any of those boxes?
415
00:22:05,285 --> 00:22:08,765
Go on, then.
Number one - getting an earring.
416
00:22:10,205 --> 00:22:11,724
I used to have it
when I was younger.
417
00:22:11,725 --> 00:22:13,285
I'm shaking it up a bit, that's all.
418
00:22:15,645 --> 00:22:19,804
Number two -
buying an expensive bicycle.
419
00:22:19,805 --> 00:22:22,444
Fred, this isn't looking good
for you at all.
420
00:22:22,445 --> 00:22:26,004
No, right, I have got
a few bicycles in me garage...
421
00:22:26,005 --> 00:22:27,764
CHRIS LAUGHS
422
00:22:27,765 --> 00:22:30,284
Right, let's forget the earring
and the expensive bikes.
423
00:22:30,285 --> 00:22:32,204
Let's go to number three
on the list.
424
00:22:32,205 --> 00:22:33,964
Growing your hair long.
425
00:22:33,965 --> 00:22:35,764
I'm smelling a rat here.
426
00:22:35,765 --> 00:22:38,084
You've not even
looked on the internet.
427
00:22:38,085 --> 00:22:41,204
I tell you what, you two
are a couple of whoppers.
428
00:22:41,205 --> 00:22:44,365
Growing your hair long.
What's next - having big teeth?
429
00:22:51,525 --> 00:22:54,724
What about getting a bit of
work done? A bit of botox?
430
00:22:54,725 --> 00:22:57,285
I don't think Paddy's
any stranger to that.
431
00:22:58,765 --> 00:23:03,444
Now, I think I will accept most
things, but you've seen my face -
432
00:23:03,445 --> 00:23:05,605
there's no botox in this!
433
00:23:06,805 --> 00:23:08,604
Fair play, Pad, fair play.
434
00:23:08,605 --> 00:23:11,604
Paddy, is it true that you used to
have a bag of dark dust
435
00:23:11,605 --> 00:23:14,324
to go on the top of your hair
to make it look thicker
436
00:23:14,325 --> 00:23:16,844
on the red carpet?
No, it wasn't dark dust.
437
00:23:16,845 --> 00:23:18,884
It was just a thickening product.
438
00:23:18,885 --> 00:23:20,685
LAUGHTER
439
00:23:22,805 --> 00:23:26,684
With our midlife opportunity
now very much in full swing,
440
00:23:26,685 --> 00:23:29,565
the producers decided
we should have another test.
441
00:23:31,005 --> 00:23:33,524
This time at MoD Lyneham,
442
00:23:33,525 --> 00:23:38,604
a huge military base which
we appeared to have the run of.
443
00:23:38,605 --> 00:23:41,485
It's all looking a little bit
ominous at the moment.
444
00:23:49,405 --> 00:23:52,044
Oh... Empty military facility,
445
00:23:52,045 --> 00:23:54,884
the sun's out
and we have a challenge.
446
00:23:54,885 --> 00:23:56,324
What have we got?
447
00:23:56,325 --> 00:23:59,484
"Midlife crisis cars are
all about showing off." Ooh.
448
00:23:59,485 --> 00:24:02,684
"To prove your cars can put
on a performance, you will now race
449
00:24:02,685 --> 00:24:06,964
"to complete this gymkhana course as
quickly and precisely as possible."
450
00:24:06,965 --> 00:24:10,084
Oh, the old Ken Block's!
Oh, it's fantastic.
451
00:24:10,085 --> 00:24:11,445
You're going to love this.
452
00:24:12,765 --> 00:24:15,445
For anyone not familiar with
the work of Ken Block...
453
00:24:16,485 --> 00:24:21,525
..the Stig will now demonstrate
what a gymkhana is all about.
454
00:24:24,285 --> 00:24:27,364
First, take one
high-performance car.
455
00:24:27,365 --> 00:24:29,045
Oh! Now we're talking!
456
00:24:32,965 --> 00:24:35,764
Then throw in a load of
abandoned roads
457
00:24:35,765 --> 00:24:38,085
and buildings to make
your playground.
458
00:24:40,645 --> 00:24:44,885
Next, scatter about as many cones
as you can lay your hands on.
459
00:24:47,125 --> 00:24:51,005
And litter that playground
with a bunch of obstacles.
460
00:24:54,645 --> 00:24:57,284
Pure catnip
for the YouTube generation.
461
00:24:57,285 --> 00:25:01,805
This is the ultimate display
of driver prowess.
462
00:25:06,765 --> 00:25:09,645
THEY EXCLAIM
463
00:25:16,605 --> 00:25:18,884
There's stones everywhere!
464
00:25:18,885 --> 00:25:20,324
Woo!
465
00:25:20,325 --> 00:25:21,884
Oh!
466
00:25:21,885 --> 00:25:23,245
How good was that?!
467
00:25:24,885 --> 00:25:28,164
With our cars fitted with skinny
back tyres to help us skid,
468
00:25:28,165 --> 00:25:31,965
we'd now take turns to run Stig's
course against the clock.
469
00:25:33,445 --> 00:25:37,444
But, keen for us to start embracing
old age rather than running from it,
470
00:25:37,445 --> 00:25:41,324
the producers had also decided
we'd be doing it wearing something
471
00:25:41,325 --> 00:25:44,685
called a geriatric simulation suit.
472
00:25:46,325 --> 00:25:48,684
CHRIS LAUGHS
473
00:25:48,685 --> 00:25:51,284
Now we're talking!
What's going on here?
474
00:25:51,285 --> 00:25:53,524
I'm going to have to take these off.
Hang on.
475
00:25:53,525 --> 00:25:55,124
Oh, that's better.
476
00:25:55,125 --> 00:25:56,764
You look like Where's Wally's dad.
477
00:25:56,765 --> 00:26:00,244
Yeah. Apparently this simulates
the effects of old age.
478
00:26:00,245 --> 00:26:03,244
This vest is 30kg.
479
00:26:03,245 --> 00:26:04,604
Demonstrate how heavy it is.
480
00:26:04,605 --> 00:26:06,884
It looks like you're just wearing
a vest. Do a jump.
481
00:26:06,885 --> 00:26:08,484
Jump, jump. Do a jump.
482
00:26:08,485 --> 00:26:11,684
Shut up!
483
00:26:11,685 --> 00:26:14,004
It's not nice.
484
00:26:14,005 --> 00:26:15,484
I can't even fasten me helmet.
485
00:26:15,485 --> 00:26:17,164
Do you want to know the best bit?
486
00:26:17,165 --> 00:26:18,604
It's a Le Mans start.
487
00:26:18,605 --> 00:26:20,924
Get back to where the grass
meets the tarmac there.
488
00:26:20,925 --> 00:26:23,324
Come on. Walk back.
489
00:26:23,325 --> 00:26:26,444
-You look like C-3
-PO. Hang on.
490
00:26:26,445 --> 00:26:28,924
OK, are you ready? No!
491
00:26:28,925 --> 00:26:31,444
Three, two, one...
492
00:26:31,445 --> 00:26:33,084
Go!
493
00:26:33,085 --> 00:26:35,484
Come on, Paddy, hurry up!
What are you doing?!
494
00:26:35,485 --> 00:26:39,124
He's skating! Stop skating and run,
man! Don't skate!
495
00:26:39,125 --> 00:26:40,845
STRAINS: Oh, Je...!
496
00:26:47,845 --> 00:26:49,044
Oh!
497
00:26:49,045 --> 00:26:50,564
THEY LAUGH
498
00:26:50,565 --> 00:26:52,365
He spun on the first turn!
499
00:26:54,845 --> 00:26:58,964
It's so difficult with
this bloody arm thing on!
500
00:26:58,965 --> 00:27:01,045
PADDY GROANS
501
00:27:08,765 --> 00:27:10,165
Whoa...!
502
00:27:11,445 --> 00:27:13,564
This is what it's going to be
like when we get older.
503
00:27:13,565 --> 00:27:16,244
You know when you drive to the sea
and you put a blanket on your legs?
504
00:27:16,245 --> 00:27:17,444
See, I would go blanket...
505
00:27:17,445 --> 00:27:19,764
I'd get a bit of the wind there,
get the blanket like that
506
00:27:19,765 --> 00:27:21,725
and then sit down. Oh...!
507
00:27:27,445 --> 00:27:29,284
I can't turn me arms round!
508
00:27:29,285 --> 00:27:31,524
Ken Block's not going to be
watching this thinking,
509
00:27:31,525 --> 00:27:32,885
"My job's in jeopardy," is he?
510
00:27:35,085 --> 00:27:36,445
Is it that way or that way?!
511
00:27:38,445 --> 00:27:41,005
He's just decided to make up
the course.
512
00:27:42,725 --> 00:27:44,564
Where am I?! Where am I going?!
513
00:27:44,565 --> 00:27:46,364
Where am I going?!
514
00:27:46,365 --> 00:27:48,804
Here we go, here we go.
This is going to be entertaining.
515
00:27:48,805 --> 00:27:50,205
What's going to happen now?
516
00:27:54,005 --> 00:27:55,565
Go on, Pad!
517
00:27:59,845 --> 00:28:01,564
Oh, my God!
518
00:28:01,565 --> 00:28:03,364
PADDY BREATHES HEAVILY
519
00:28:03,365 --> 00:28:04,605
I think he's knackered.
520
00:28:06,005 --> 00:28:08,084
PADDY GROANS
521
00:28:08,085 --> 00:28:09,765
I'll be with you in a minute...
522
00:28:12,925 --> 00:28:15,164
You go t'wrong way, Pad?
523
00:28:15,165 --> 00:28:19,364
I come out that shed, everything
was just orange and white,
524
00:28:19,365 --> 00:28:23,244
but the worst thing is,
it's you can't steer
525
00:28:23,245 --> 00:28:24,924
and you can't put the handbrake on.
526
00:28:24,925 --> 00:28:26,444
All things you really need
527
00:28:26,445 --> 00:28:28,604
when you're trying
to be the next Ken Block.
528
00:28:28,605 --> 00:28:32,724
Right, you did it in 5:54.28.
529
00:28:32,725 --> 00:28:34,044
Get in.
530
00:28:34,045 --> 00:28:36,884
Go on, Chris, go and get ready.
Go on. Give us the stopwatch. Go on.
531
00:28:36,885 --> 00:28:37,965
CHRIS GROANS
532
00:28:41,365 --> 00:28:43,964
That's right, it was time
once again for
533
00:28:43,965 --> 00:28:48,244
the semi-professional racing driver
to show us how it's done.
534
00:28:48,245 --> 00:28:50,684
Wait... Oh, God...
535
00:28:50,685 --> 00:28:52,764
Oh, my word, what is that?
536
00:28:52,765 --> 00:28:55,885
Have you got high heels on?
What are you walking like that?!
537
00:28:56,965 --> 00:28:59,244
Paddy, I take a lot of it back.
538
00:28:59,245 --> 00:29:01,964
Do you know what? Honest to God,
you come round the corner, there,
539
00:29:01,965 --> 00:29:04,484
you look like one of them
veloci-ropters from Jurassic Park,
540
00:29:04,485 --> 00:29:07,124
how you're walking. A "ropter"?
"Ropter"?! Veloci-ropter...!
541
00:29:07,125 --> 00:29:09,004
Can we do this, please?
Don't get too close,
542
00:29:09,005 --> 00:29:11,244
your Le Mans start's back there!
543
00:29:11,245 --> 00:29:12,444
Look at...
544
00:29:12,445 --> 00:29:15,604
That is how he walks anyhow!
Oh, my God.
545
00:29:15,605 --> 00:29:18,284
Come on, Chris, you've got this.
Three...
546
00:29:18,285 --> 00:29:19,564
..two...
547
00:29:19,565 --> 00:29:20,684
..one...
548
00:29:20,685 --> 00:29:23,764
Go! No, come on, you can
go faster than that!
549
00:29:23,765 --> 00:29:25,164
PADDY CACKLES
550
00:29:25,165 --> 00:29:27,764
Run, Chris Harris!
Pick your knees up!
551
00:29:27,765 --> 00:29:29,324
Come on!
552
00:29:29,325 --> 00:29:31,444
Best of luck to you.
Come on, Harris!
553
00:29:31,445 --> 00:29:34,564
We said we hope you
have a lovely day!
554
00:29:34,565 --> 00:29:35,725
FRED LAUGHS
555
00:29:36,845 --> 00:29:38,324
Whoa, a lot of smoke!
556
00:29:38,325 --> 00:29:40,205
CAR JUDDERS Oh...
557
00:29:43,125 --> 00:29:44,644
Oh, that's... That's nice.
558
00:29:44,645 --> 00:29:45,685
That's nice.
559
00:29:47,245 --> 00:29:49,004
I can't control the steering!
560
00:29:49,005 --> 00:29:51,365
I literally can't control
the steering!
561
00:29:54,605 --> 00:29:57,204
How are you supposed to turn it
around here?!
562
00:29:57,205 --> 00:29:58,244
I can't do that...!
563
00:29:58,245 --> 00:29:59,884
HORN HONKS
564
00:29:59,885 --> 00:30:01,444
He's beeping his horn.
565
00:30:01,445 --> 00:30:03,204
I can't...
HORN HONKS
566
00:30:03,205 --> 00:30:05,244
I literally can't...!
567
00:30:05,245 --> 00:30:06,285
HORN HONKS
568
00:30:09,605 --> 00:30:11,444
HORN HONKS
569
00:30:11,445 --> 00:30:12,645
Argh!
570
00:30:13,725 --> 00:30:16,845
HORN HONKS INTERMITTENTLY
571
00:30:17,885 --> 00:30:20,444
I can see a lot of smoke up there...
572
00:30:20,445 --> 00:30:22,684
This is his thing, he loves...
Sliding about.
573
00:30:22,685 --> 00:30:24,205
He loves sliding, doesn't he?
574
00:30:26,565 --> 00:30:27,965
HE SIGHS WEARILY
575
00:30:32,525 --> 00:30:34,484
I don't know where I'm going here.
576
00:30:34,485 --> 00:30:36,525
Yeah, I've missed out all that.
577
00:30:37,965 --> 00:30:39,564
Oh, he's gone the wrong way...
578
00:30:39,565 --> 00:30:42,325
I think he's gone the wrong way,
as well, Pad! It does happen!
579
00:30:46,525 --> 00:30:48,044
HORN HONKS
580
00:30:48,045 --> 00:30:49,245
Oh, he's pipping his horn!
581
00:30:57,285 --> 00:30:58,804
HORN HONKS
582
00:30:58,805 --> 00:31:00,804
Ooh... Here he comes.
Ooh. He can't get out.
583
00:31:00,805 --> 00:31:02,644
You all right?
Was there things in the way?
584
00:31:02,645 --> 00:31:04,764
We kept hearing you beeping
your horn at people.
585
00:31:04,765 --> 00:31:06,404
What - were there people, traffic?
586
00:31:06,405 --> 00:31:08,125
Well, I couldn't lift my arms up.
587
00:31:09,165 --> 00:31:11,524
6:44.
588
00:31:11,525 --> 00:31:12,844
I was just seeing stars.
589
00:31:12,845 --> 00:31:14,205
PADDY LAUGHS
590
00:31:16,525 --> 00:31:20,005
So it turns out the geriatric suit
does take its toll.
591
00:31:21,325 --> 00:31:23,965
Unless, of course,
you're a massive tree.
592
00:31:25,365 --> 00:31:26,924
Just walking normal...
593
00:31:26,925 --> 00:31:29,644
You have got weights on -
you know that, don't you?
594
00:31:29,645 --> 00:31:32,124
A little bit on me arms.
Why don't YOU give us a burpee?
595
00:31:32,125 --> 00:31:35,284
Let's have a see. You go down...
I knew he would! I knew he would.
596
00:31:35,285 --> 00:31:36,884
Up... Oof...
597
00:31:36,885 --> 00:31:40,444
Bet you can't do five! Not a
chance! Let's get on with this.
598
00:31:40,445 --> 00:31:43,644
FRED LAUGHS
Are you ready? Yeah.
599
00:31:43,645 --> 00:31:45,204
Three...
600
00:31:45,205 --> 00:31:46,324
..two...
601
00:31:46,325 --> 00:31:47,525
..and the thing is...
602
00:31:48,685 --> 00:31:51,164
..just go for it. Have you
pressed that button already?
603
00:31:51,165 --> 00:31:53,004
What? Have you pressed the button?
604
00:31:53,005 --> 00:31:54,964
I've not pressed the button!
You have!
605
00:31:54,965 --> 00:31:56,524
Wahey!
606
00:31:56,525 --> 00:31:58,125
THEY LAUGH
607
00:32:03,085 --> 00:32:04,125
ENGINE REVS
608
00:32:06,885 --> 00:32:08,124
Oh...
609
00:32:08,125 --> 00:32:10,005
Why am I out of breath driving?
610
00:32:11,045 --> 00:32:13,124
Now, he's going
towards the building...
611
00:32:13,125 --> 00:32:15,685
Now, this is where it could get
a little bit air ambulance.
612
00:32:22,725 --> 00:32:25,484
I must admit, I was expecting
a bit more from you.
613
00:32:25,485 --> 00:32:27,124
You went round it a bit pedestrian.
614
00:32:27,125 --> 00:32:29,444
It was fully sideways over there...
No, it wasn't!
615
00:32:29,445 --> 00:32:30,725
No, it wasn't.
616
00:32:32,725 --> 00:32:34,525
Oh, I can't steer!
617
00:32:36,605 --> 00:32:39,284
Do you know what the car looks like?
Yes, I have eyes, and I saw it.
618
00:32:39,285 --> 00:32:41,404
From the outside, when you're
driving it. Oh, dear.
619
00:32:41,405 --> 00:32:43,324
Yes, very sexy.
620
00:32:43,325 --> 00:32:44,844
CHRIS LAUGHS
621
00:32:44,845 --> 00:32:46,084
TYRES SCREECH
622
00:32:46,085 --> 00:32:48,125
Oh, now we're talking!
623
00:32:49,165 --> 00:32:51,164
Where do you get
the confidence from?
624
00:32:51,165 --> 00:32:53,084
I think it's my winning
streak on the show.
625
00:32:53,085 --> 00:32:54,485
There's that many...
626
00:32:56,925 --> 00:32:58,485
Yes, we're round!
627
00:33:01,085 --> 00:33:02,484
Yes, Fred!
628
00:33:02,485 --> 00:33:04,005
He's round that one... Look at that!
629
00:33:07,365 --> 00:33:08,685
Yeah!
630
00:33:10,765 --> 00:33:13,324
He's not going to back off here.
631
00:33:13,325 --> 00:33:15,005
Get the speed going, come on.
632
00:33:16,685 --> 00:33:18,804
You've got to stop at some point,
haven't you? What?
633
00:33:18,805 --> 00:33:21,565
Like, about now would be good.
I'm coming in...!
634
00:33:26,525 --> 00:33:28,364
Oh-ho-ho! Oh!
635
00:33:28,365 --> 00:33:29,925
PADDY LAUGHS
636
00:33:31,365 --> 00:33:33,564
Get back on. Get up, get up!
637
00:33:33,565 --> 00:33:35,164
Get up!
638
00:33:35,165 --> 00:33:37,005
PADDY AND CHRIS LAUGH
639
00:33:39,005 --> 00:33:41,244
CHRIS LAUGHS
640
00:33:41,245 --> 00:33:42,724
PADDY LAUGHS
641
00:33:42,725 --> 00:33:44,084
Jeez!
642
00:33:44,085 --> 00:33:46,444
PADDY AND CHRIS LAUGH
643
00:33:46,445 --> 00:33:48,444
How unpleasant was that?
644
00:33:48,445 --> 00:33:50,245
My arms are so heavy.
645
00:33:51,445 --> 00:33:53,644
Tell you what -
I went the right way, though.
646
00:33:53,645 --> 00:33:55,364
You did. You went the right way.
647
00:33:55,365 --> 00:33:56,724
What did I get?
648
00:33:56,725 --> 00:33:59,724
5:06! Yeah. Well done, sir.
649
00:33:59,725 --> 00:34:02,284
I'm not going to lie,
it's a bit of a hollow victory.
650
00:34:02,285 --> 00:34:04,404
THEY LAUGH
651
00:34:04,405 --> 00:34:06,044
Well done, you're a better old man.
652
00:34:06,045 --> 00:34:07,764
Wahey! Wahey!
653
00:34:07,765 --> 00:34:11,404
THEY CHEER
He's enjoying that, isn't he?
654
00:34:11,405 --> 00:34:12,485
Look at that.
655
00:34:13,605 --> 00:34:14,684
PADDY LAUGHS
656
00:34:14,685 --> 00:34:15,805
Lovely stuff.
657
00:34:17,045 --> 00:34:18,645
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
658
00:34:25,885 --> 00:34:30,644
That weight suit was absolutely...
It was worse than it looked.
659
00:34:30,645 --> 00:34:31,924
For us two, not for him!
660
00:34:31,925 --> 00:34:34,084
What? For me? Yeah!
Suit was easy for him!
661
00:34:34,085 --> 00:34:36,444
I felt like I was 21 again,
playing cricket for England!
662
00:34:36,445 --> 00:34:38,364
LAUGHTER
663
00:34:38,365 --> 00:34:41,124
But, genuinely, weighted suits are
a real thing in the car industry
664
00:34:41,125 --> 00:34:43,484
to simulate what it's like
for an old person driving.
665
00:34:43,485 --> 00:34:45,724
Why don't they just use
an old person?
666
00:34:45,725 --> 00:34:48,244
That's actually quite a good point,
Fred... That is, yeah...
667
00:34:48,245 --> 00:34:50,244
That is a good point,
I'll give you that!
668
00:34:50,245 --> 00:34:52,444
What we've learned here
is actually, pensioners...
669
00:34:52,445 --> 00:34:55,124
..are extremely strong people! Yes!
670
00:34:55,125 --> 00:34:58,365
Give your nan a Werther's,
she's off! "Right, let's go!"
671
00:34:59,605 --> 00:35:01,844
THEY LAUGH
672
00:35:01,845 --> 00:35:04,964
Yep! We'll get back
to that film later -
673
00:35:04,965 --> 00:35:08,044
terrifying though it sounds. But now
we need to move on to Hot Hatches.
674
00:35:08,045 --> 00:35:10,524
I love a Hot Hatch,
my perfect recipe -
675
00:35:10,525 --> 00:35:13,044
small car, big engine, big power.
676
00:35:13,045 --> 00:35:15,445
And now, there's a new one out.
677
00:35:20,205 --> 00:35:21,884
It comes...
678
00:35:21,885 --> 00:35:23,125
..from Toyota.
679
00:35:24,965 --> 00:35:26,165
And it's called...
680
00:35:27,165 --> 00:35:28,725
..the GR Yaris.
681
00:35:30,965 --> 00:35:32,444
And, on the face of it,
682
00:35:32,445 --> 00:35:35,564
the GR looks like it ticks
all of the Hot Hatch boxes.
683
00:35:35,565 --> 00:35:40,204
It makes around 250 horsepower,
which is proper Hot Hatch power.
684
00:35:40,205 --> 00:35:42,684
It does 0 to 60 in around
five seconds
685
00:35:42,685 --> 00:35:47,284
and tops out at 140mph,
which is proper Hot Hatch pace.
686
00:35:47,285 --> 00:35:50,245
It's all very much...
as it should be.
687
00:35:51,365 --> 00:35:54,045
Until, that is,
you hear about the price.
688
00:35:55,605 --> 00:35:57,245
Because this Toyota Yaris...
689
00:35:58,365 --> 00:36:01,165
..costs over £33,000.
690
00:36:02,245 --> 00:36:04,244
33 grand for a Toyota Yaris?
691
00:36:04,245 --> 00:36:06,045
Now that is a tough sell.
692
00:36:07,245 --> 00:36:11,844
After all, the Yaris badge does
conjure a certain lifestyle.
693
00:36:11,845 --> 00:36:13,645
And not an especially sporty one.
694
00:36:15,565 --> 00:36:18,645
I'm talking Saga Cruises,
Stannah Stairlifts...
695
00:36:19,805 --> 00:36:21,764
..tartan rugs.
696
00:36:21,765 --> 00:36:25,964
In short, 33 grand for
a suped-up OAP mobile
697
00:36:25,965 --> 00:36:27,844
does sound like a big ask,
698
00:36:27,845 --> 00:36:30,204
especially when you consider...
699
00:36:30,205 --> 00:36:31,405
..the competition.
700
00:36:32,805 --> 00:36:36,845
Because for £14,000 less than
the GR, you can have...
701
00:36:38,525 --> 00:36:40,124
..one of those -
702
00:36:40,125 --> 00:36:42,484
the Fiesta ST.
703
00:36:42,485 --> 00:36:46,005
Same size as the Yaris,
utterly brilliant to drive.
704
00:36:47,245 --> 00:36:49,804
Or, for a couple of grand less...
705
00:36:49,805 --> 00:36:51,564
..could have...
706
00:36:51,565 --> 00:36:52,964
..one of these -
707
00:36:52,965 --> 00:36:54,805
Civic Type R.
708
00:36:56,925 --> 00:36:59,684
A whole lot more power...
What a wonderful thing.
709
00:36:59,685 --> 00:37:01,805
It looks like it eats
kittens for breakfast.
710
00:37:04,085 --> 00:37:08,004
And, for pretty much the same money,
you could have one of these -
711
00:37:08,005 --> 00:37:11,764
the Mercedes-AMG A 35.
712
00:37:11,765 --> 00:37:16,444
Faster, more powerful and with
a badge that doesn't scream
713
00:37:16,445 --> 00:37:17,485
"Zimmer frame".
714
00:37:19,605 --> 00:37:21,564
But here's the thing.
715
00:37:21,565 --> 00:37:25,005
You can't compare the Yaris
to regular Hot Hatches...
716
00:37:26,045 --> 00:37:27,885
..because it's not
a regular Hot Hatch.
717
00:37:29,325 --> 00:37:30,845
Allow me to explain.
718
00:37:39,405 --> 00:37:42,284
These are some of
the greatest legends
719
00:37:42,285 --> 00:37:44,405
of the World Rally Championship...
720
00:37:45,525 --> 00:37:49,284
..where, to be eligible to compete,
cars have always had to be
721
00:37:49,285 --> 00:37:53,764
closely based on a road car
you can actually buy.
722
00:37:53,765 --> 00:37:55,645
So, for the best
chance of winning...
723
00:37:56,805 --> 00:37:59,084
..you'd really want to build
a road car
724
00:37:59,085 --> 00:38:01,525
that's been specially designed
to go racing.
725
00:38:03,085 --> 00:38:04,364
But...
726
00:38:04,365 --> 00:38:06,005
..that would be very expensive.
727
00:38:07,085 --> 00:38:09,325
And, as a result,
it almost never happens.
728
00:38:13,445 --> 00:38:16,484
But just occasionally,
a carmaker decides that, yes,
729
00:38:16,485 --> 00:38:19,924
it will build a completely new,
very fast road car
730
00:38:19,925 --> 00:38:23,364
as the perfect base
for its next rally car.
731
00:38:23,365 --> 00:38:25,804
These are called
homologation specials
732
00:38:25,805 --> 00:38:28,365
and they are some of
the best cars ever made.
733
00:38:30,925 --> 00:38:32,964
The Audi Sport Quattro,
734
00:38:32,965 --> 00:38:35,805
shortened to make that
monster there with the big wings.
735
00:38:37,925 --> 00:38:39,804
Lancia Delta Integrale -
736
00:38:39,805 --> 00:38:42,404
is that the greatest homologation
road car ever made to create
737
00:38:42,405 --> 00:38:45,365
the thing that Juha Kankkunen
won those championships in?
738
00:38:47,325 --> 00:38:50,404
And this might be my favourite -
the Evo 6 Mitsubishi
739
00:38:50,405 --> 00:38:52,885
that Tommi Makinen
dominated the sport in.
740
00:38:55,445 --> 00:38:58,164
And then, every boy racer's dream -
741
00:38:58,165 --> 00:39:00,484
the Ford Escort RS Cosworth -
742
00:39:00,485 --> 00:39:02,485
and what a rally car that created.
743
00:39:03,845 --> 00:39:07,205
Make no mistake -
this is distinguished company.
744
00:39:08,485 --> 00:39:13,845
And Toyota has now given its most
unlikely of cars the same treatment.
745
00:39:15,845 --> 00:39:17,925
The GR Yaris is no Hot Hatch.
746
00:39:22,285 --> 00:39:26,525
This is a genuine...
rally car for the road.
747
00:39:28,805 --> 00:39:30,165
Woohoo-hoo-hoo!
748
00:39:31,405 --> 00:39:33,845
Just put your foot down and it goes!
749
00:39:36,125 --> 00:39:39,564
The engine's only
a three-cylinder turbo petrol,
750
00:39:39,565 --> 00:39:43,164
but it's the most powerful
one in the world right now
751
00:39:43,165 --> 00:39:46,724
and it's crammed full of
motorsport technology.
752
00:39:46,725 --> 00:39:47,765
It's strong!
753
00:39:51,725 --> 00:39:53,604
And then there's the brakes.
754
00:39:53,605 --> 00:39:56,324
The brake pedal has immense feel,
755
00:39:56,325 --> 00:39:59,205
it's so good, and they are powerful.
756
00:40:01,525 --> 00:40:04,765
But what really sets
this rally Yaris apart...
757
00:40:06,765 --> 00:40:08,604
..is its four-wheel-drive system
758
00:40:08,605 --> 00:40:11,764
and the way it works with
the rest of the chassis
759
00:40:11,765 --> 00:40:13,365
to pin the car to the road.
760
00:40:15,365 --> 00:40:17,964
That short wheelbase,
those wide tracks,
761
00:40:17,965 --> 00:40:19,965
those sticky Michelin tyres...
762
00:40:22,525 --> 00:40:25,484
I reckon you can drive around
the outside of a BMW M3
763
00:40:25,485 --> 00:40:27,604
on any roundabout!
764
00:40:27,605 --> 00:40:28,885
It's that grippy.
765
00:40:31,365 --> 00:40:34,365
Unless, of course,
you put it in sport mode...
766
00:40:36,125 --> 00:40:38,004
..which tells it not to be.
767
00:40:38,005 --> 00:40:39,045
Accelerate!
768
00:40:40,685 --> 00:40:42,324
You get that...
769
00:40:42,325 --> 00:40:43,845
..oversteer...
770
00:40:47,165 --> 00:40:48,605
..in a hatchback!
771
00:40:51,725 --> 00:40:53,324
And, even better,
772
00:40:53,325 --> 00:40:56,164
when you yank the handbrake,
it disconnects the rear axle,
773
00:40:56,165 --> 00:40:58,965
so you can do proper rally-style
handbrake turns!
774
00:41:08,885 --> 00:41:10,765
HE CHUCKLES CHEEKILY
775
00:41:14,045 --> 00:41:16,284
You know what this brings out?
776
00:41:16,285 --> 00:41:18,325
My inner Colin McRae!
777
00:41:19,645 --> 00:41:20,925
Flick it around...
778
00:41:26,205 --> 00:41:28,564
HE LAUGHS
779
00:41:28,565 --> 00:41:30,405
That is ridiculous!
780
00:41:31,405 --> 00:41:34,284
And it's got a Toyota badge on it!
781
00:41:34,285 --> 00:41:38,484
Which, incidentally, is one of
the few things the GR Yaris
782
00:41:38,485 --> 00:41:42,325
shares with the OAP-spec original
that your nan drives.
783
00:41:47,805 --> 00:41:50,004
The regular Yaris has five doors.
784
00:41:50,005 --> 00:41:52,164
This one - three.
785
00:41:52,165 --> 00:41:55,124
The roof is four inches lower
786
00:41:55,125 --> 00:41:58,124
and - because your rally car
must be made of the same stuff
787
00:41:58,125 --> 00:42:02,164
as your road car - that roof
is now also carbon fibre,
788
00:42:02,165 --> 00:42:05,565
while the bonnet and doors
are lightweight aluminium.
789
00:42:06,605 --> 00:42:10,204
Toyota has reinvented
the little Yaris.
790
00:42:10,205 --> 00:42:12,445
And it now truly belongs...
791
00:42:13,725 --> 00:42:15,205
..with this lot.
792
00:42:19,725 --> 00:42:25,284
For me, a homologation special
is a car that looks ordinary
793
00:42:25,285 --> 00:42:28,844
when you see it from a distance,
but up close, you see the width
794
00:42:28,845 --> 00:42:31,645
and the specialness,
those wide tracks.
795
00:42:32,805 --> 00:42:35,684
And the Yaris absolutely nails that.
796
00:42:35,685 --> 00:42:38,805
I think it's an instant icon,
I really do.
797
00:42:43,205 --> 00:42:47,244
Honestly... It's one of the best
cars I've driven in years.
798
00:42:47,245 --> 00:42:51,125
And it absolutely belongs
in this company.
799
00:42:52,725 --> 00:42:54,045
What a machine!
800
00:43:01,965 --> 00:43:04,724
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
801
00:43:04,725 --> 00:43:06,724
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
802
00:43:06,725 --> 00:43:09,164
The best little car!
803
00:43:09,165 --> 00:43:10,724
The best little car.
804
00:43:10,725 --> 00:43:14,044
And this is a Yaris. Only made
better if we did it in France -
805
00:43:14,045 --> 00:43:15,764
it'd be Harris in a Yaris in Paris.
806
00:43:15,765 --> 00:43:17,164
LAUGHTER
807
00:43:17,165 --> 00:43:19,084
Come on, Chris,
is it really that good?
808
00:43:19,085 --> 00:43:21,324
Best thing I've driven
in two years, Fred. Wow.
809
00:43:21,325 --> 00:43:22,964
Honestly, it's a hero car.
810
00:43:22,965 --> 00:43:24,724
But it's 33 grand, Chris!
A lot of money...
811
00:43:24,725 --> 00:43:28,684
33 grand for a Yaris! I know, but
the deals on offer at the moment,
812
00:43:28,685 --> 00:43:31,404
it's £300 a month for one of
the best cars you'll drive!
813
00:43:31,405 --> 00:43:34,484
So this is the road version
of the rally car, right?
814
00:43:34,485 --> 00:43:37,484
Yeah. So, how good is the
rally version going to be?
815
00:43:37,485 --> 00:43:38,964
That's the awkward bit, Pad -
816
00:43:38,965 --> 00:43:41,364
because the World Rally
Championships changed the rules
817
00:43:41,365 --> 00:43:44,004
for this year, they're sticking
with the old cars,
818
00:43:44,005 --> 00:43:46,564
so there's a chance they might
not make a rally car.
819
00:43:46,565 --> 00:43:50,524
So... this is a rally car
for the road... Yeah.
820
00:43:50,525 --> 00:43:53,204
..but there's no rally car
for the rally?
821
00:43:53,205 --> 00:43:55,564
For once, you are correct!
LAUGHTER
822
00:43:55,565 --> 00:43:58,044
Sometimes, I think you just go
out of your way, purposely,
823
00:43:58,045 --> 00:44:00,004
to confuse me! Well, while you try
824
00:44:00,005 --> 00:44:01,844
and get your head around that,
Paddy, lad...
825
00:44:01,845 --> 00:44:04,444
It's time to get back to our
midlife opportunity film,
826
00:44:04,445 --> 00:44:06,164
which comes with a warning.
827
00:44:06,165 --> 00:44:09,044
That's right. This next sequence
contains footage
828
00:44:09,045 --> 00:44:11,524
that some viewers
may find disturbing.
829
00:44:11,525 --> 00:44:14,724
Chris Harris in some very snug
leather trousers.
830
00:44:14,725 --> 00:44:16,045
Roll the tape.
831
00:44:19,525 --> 00:44:21,845
The start of another
day on the road.
832
00:44:23,125 --> 00:44:25,524
Except, for some reason,
833
00:44:25,525 --> 00:44:30,125
the producers have decided
to confiscate our cars.
834
00:44:31,685 --> 00:44:36,364
But no matter, because what they've
done is give us the perfect chance
835
00:44:36,365 --> 00:44:42,484
to explore another of midlife's
fantastic opportunities.
836
00:44:42,485 --> 00:44:45,285
MUSIC: Born To Be Wild
by Steppenwolf
837
00:44:48,285 --> 00:44:49,724
Aye-aye, Captain.
838
00:44:49,725 --> 00:44:52,924
Living the dream, Captain!
Living the dream.
839
00:44:52,925 --> 00:44:55,524
Just a couple of blokes on a bike.
840
00:44:55,525 --> 00:44:57,685
♪ Get your motor runnin'
841
00:44:58,965 --> 00:45:00,685
♪ Head out on the highway... ♪
842
00:45:02,045 --> 00:45:03,764
How are you getting on, Christopher?
843
00:45:03,765 --> 00:45:07,204
When the sun's out, there's not
many things I'd rather be doing
844
00:45:07,205 --> 00:45:09,124
than wobbling around on a bike.
845
00:45:09,125 --> 00:45:13,084
♪ Born to be wild... ♪
846
00:45:13,085 --> 00:45:15,324
Boys, this is the life, innit?!
847
00:45:15,325 --> 00:45:19,164
♪ Born to be wild... ♪
Woooo!
848
00:45:19,165 --> 00:45:20,884
I shouldn't be trusted on this.
849
00:45:20,885 --> 00:45:22,405
Try being on a Harley!
850
00:45:24,085 --> 00:45:27,164
Looking good, Pad. Oh, yes.
851
00:45:27,165 --> 00:45:29,644
Eat your heart out, Peter Fonda.
852
00:45:29,645 --> 00:45:34,244
Born to be wild. I mean, it's
not exactly Route 66, this -
853
00:45:34,245 --> 00:45:36,284
I'm on a B-road to Siddington -
854
00:45:36,285 --> 00:45:37,884
but it'll do.
855
00:45:37,885 --> 00:45:39,645
FRED LAUGHS
856
00:45:41,925 --> 00:45:44,964
Quite why the producers had
given us the morning to enjoy
857
00:45:44,965 --> 00:45:49,124
three of our favourite bikes,
though, was about to become clear.
858
00:45:49,125 --> 00:45:52,284
Because we've been told to head
to the Cotswolds Water Park,
859
00:45:52,285 --> 00:45:56,805
where they've been busy
setting up our final test.
860
00:45:57,885 --> 00:46:01,364
Fit bikes on t'roof, Pad.
One extreme to the other here.
861
00:46:01,365 --> 00:46:03,164
What is going on here, then?
862
00:46:03,165 --> 00:46:04,524
Challenge.
863
00:46:04,525 --> 00:46:07,245
Oh, tell you what, I enjoyed that.
864
00:46:08,765 --> 00:46:11,484
"No midlife crisis would be complete
865
00:46:11,485 --> 00:46:13,884
"without a sudden interest
in fitness."
866
00:46:13,885 --> 00:46:15,724
No. Ring any bells? No.
867
00:46:15,725 --> 00:46:17,764
Stop it. No, no, no.
868
00:46:17,765 --> 00:46:19,164
Stop it.
869
00:46:19,165 --> 00:46:23,684
"To see which of you has embraced
your so-called opportunity,
870
00:46:23,685 --> 00:46:28,764
"you will now compete in the
Top Gear midlife crisis triathlon.
871
00:46:28,765 --> 00:46:33,204
"MAMILs, get ready to swim,
ride and drive." MAMILs?
872
00:46:33,205 --> 00:46:35,564
Middle-Aged Men In Lycra. Oh, God.
873
00:46:35,565 --> 00:46:38,924
DRAMATIC MUSIC
874
00:46:38,925 --> 00:46:42,964
Yes. It being November, of course
the producers have decided it was
875
00:46:42,965 --> 00:46:45,485
a good time to do a triathlon.
876
00:46:48,605 --> 00:46:52,924
This one had been enhanced with
a few motorised upgrades.
877
00:46:52,925 --> 00:46:56,844
Starting with a short sprint in our
cars down to the water's edge.
878
00:46:56,845 --> 00:47:00,084
Next, we'd be on to a trio
of Jet Skis,
879
00:47:00,085 --> 00:47:03,044
where a quick blast up and down
the lake would be followed
880
00:47:03,045 --> 00:47:04,965
by a swim back to the shore.
881
00:47:06,325 --> 00:47:09,124
Then we'd be on to the push bikes.
882
00:47:09,125 --> 00:47:12,484
And after a 4km ride
around the lake -
883
00:47:12,485 --> 00:47:14,404
mercifully, for the final leg -
884
00:47:14,405 --> 00:47:17,244
we'd be back in our cars
for three laps
885
00:47:17,245 --> 00:47:19,485
of a rough and ready gravel circuit.
886
00:47:21,445 --> 00:47:25,084
And with almost all of that
sounding utterly hideous,
887
00:47:25,085 --> 00:47:26,964
to make matters worse,
888
00:47:26,965 --> 00:47:29,804
first we'd have to get changed.
889
00:47:29,805 --> 00:47:31,804
I tell you, the thing
is about these suits,
890
00:47:31,805 --> 00:47:33,684
that optical illusion
makes it look like
891
00:47:33,685 --> 00:47:36,884
you've got a massive stomach.
CHRIS LAUGHS
892
00:47:36,885 --> 00:47:39,245
Is yours doing that? Yes.
893
00:47:40,645 --> 00:47:42,964
SUITS CREAKING
894
00:47:42,965 --> 00:47:45,084
At least we've still got
our dignity.
895
00:47:45,085 --> 00:47:48,604
Now this race, for me -
this is all about second place.
896
00:47:48,605 --> 00:47:51,524
Cos as we know...
Lurch is gone. Lurch is gone.
897
00:47:51,525 --> 00:47:53,484
..Peloton Pete over there...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
898
00:47:53,485 --> 00:47:56,724
..he'll be going across the lake,
pulling a salmon out, eating it,
899
00:47:56,725 --> 00:47:57,884
bike, gone.
900
00:47:57,885 --> 00:48:01,044
It does involve a Jet Ski so he
could kill himself on that easily.
901
00:48:01,045 --> 00:48:02,404
Hey.
902
00:48:02,405 --> 00:48:04,884
What? Don't do that! Don't do that.
903
00:48:04,885 --> 00:48:07,284
May the best man win, Patrick.
904
00:48:07,285 --> 00:48:10,445
He will. May the best MAMIL win.
905
00:48:12,285 --> 00:48:14,365
ENGINES ROAR
906
00:48:17,485 --> 00:48:20,444
Right, chins up, bellies in.
907
00:48:20,445 --> 00:48:24,484
It was time for our middle-aged
triathlon to begin.
908
00:48:24,485 --> 00:48:26,164
Here we are.
909
00:48:26,165 --> 00:48:30,325
OVER RADIO: Three, two, one. Go.
910
00:48:33,685 --> 00:48:35,164
Here we go!
911
00:48:35,165 --> 00:48:37,164
It's very muddy.
912
00:48:37,165 --> 00:48:38,925
Stay out of the puddle, Harris.
913
00:48:40,205 --> 00:48:43,484
Oh, no. I can't see owt
out my window.
914
00:48:43,485 --> 00:48:46,324
The Monaro was quickest
out the blocks.
915
00:48:46,325 --> 00:48:49,004
Meaning Harris just had
his nose in front
916
00:48:49,005 --> 00:48:51,484
down to the water.
917
00:48:51,485 --> 00:48:52,885
Come on. Come on.
918
00:48:55,245 --> 00:48:57,484
We're off. I need a wee!
919
00:48:57,485 --> 00:48:59,084
CHRIS LAUGHS
920
00:48:59,085 --> 00:49:00,724
Whoa!
921
00:49:00,725 --> 00:49:03,005
Oh, God, goggles.
How do you get this on?
922
00:49:05,085 --> 00:49:06,964
How did you get that on?
923
00:49:06,965 --> 00:49:10,804
Lightning off the line on
his Jet Ski, as well, though...
924
00:49:10,805 --> 00:49:12,644
Can't get it on. Ah!
925
00:49:12,645 --> 00:49:16,444
..it's fair to say the early moves
were all Harris.
926
00:49:16,445 --> 00:49:18,404
What's wrong with it?
What's wrong with it?
927
00:49:18,405 --> 00:49:20,284
ENGINE REVS
928
00:49:20,285 --> 00:49:21,725
I've put it in reverse!
929
00:49:23,365 --> 00:49:24,525
Jesus!
930
00:49:28,765 --> 00:49:30,805
Come on, let's catch Harris.
931
00:49:33,285 --> 00:49:36,044
Whoa! Whoa!
932
00:49:36,045 --> 00:49:38,764
How the hell are you supposed
to steer it?
933
00:49:38,765 --> 00:49:40,884
While McGuinness
trailed off the back,
934
00:49:40,885 --> 00:49:44,525
the leader was already approaching
the top of the lake.
935
00:49:46,725 --> 00:49:48,245
Come on. We've got to beat him.
936
00:49:49,365 --> 00:49:52,084
Catching on Harris.
Where's McGuinness?
937
00:49:52,085 --> 00:49:53,965
Come on, baby!
938
00:49:55,845 --> 00:49:58,844
I'm doing nearly 100km an hour.
939
00:49:58,845 --> 00:50:01,205
Come on. Go, go, go!
940
00:50:03,605 --> 00:50:04,925
Ah!
941
00:50:08,765 --> 00:50:12,284
Thankfully, with Harris
negotiating the final slalom,
942
00:50:12,285 --> 00:50:14,805
the Jet Ski run was nearly over.
943
00:50:19,645 --> 00:50:22,964
And, as the frontrunner
summoned his athleticism
944
00:50:22,965 --> 00:50:24,605
for the next stage of the race...
945
00:50:25,725 --> 00:50:27,524
Smooth, smooth.
946
00:50:27,525 --> 00:50:29,524
..Flintoff was hot on his heels...
947
00:50:29,525 --> 00:50:31,404
I'm swimming a bit further here.
948
00:50:31,405 --> 00:50:33,804
..while, with a little
creative interpretation
949
00:50:33,805 --> 00:50:35,804
of the start line for the swim,
950
00:50:35,805 --> 00:50:39,965
as the only ex—Bolton Community
Leisure Centre lifeguard among us...
951
00:50:41,925 --> 00:50:44,644
..it was time
to do some catching up.
952
00:50:44,645 --> 00:50:47,125
DRAMATIC MUSIC
953
00:50:58,525 --> 00:51:01,844
And with Paddy having cheated
his way back into the running,
954
00:51:01,845 --> 00:51:05,325
the wet stage of the race
was behind us.
955
00:51:08,245 --> 00:51:12,484
Next, it was time for
the second two-wheeled leg,
956
00:51:12,485 --> 00:51:15,964
breaking out the bikes for
a one-lap, Lycra-bound dash
957
00:51:15,965 --> 00:51:18,125
around the perimeter of the lake.
958
00:51:21,965 --> 00:51:25,044
But, having now lost
all of my early lead,
959
00:51:25,045 --> 00:51:26,924
frankly, for the next leg,
960
00:51:26,925 --> 00:51:29,604
I didn't fancy my chances.
961
00:51:29,605 --> 00:51:32,764
For starters, my bike didn't work.
962
00:51:32,765 --> 00:51:34,524
Chain's come off.
963
00:51:34,525 --> 00:51:36,364
And while Paddy got away first,
964
00:51:36,365 --> 00:51:38,564
the real issue was that Flintoff...
965
00:51:38,565 --> 00:51:40,324
I'm only off.
966
00:51:40,325 --> 00:51:42,244
..is a cycling machine.
967
00:51:42,245 --> 00:51:43,404
Come on.
968
00:51:43,405 --> 00:51:45,325
Let's see what you've got.
969
00:51:47,725 --> 00:51:50,124
Sadly, Harris is absolutely right,
970
00:51:50,125 --> 00:51:52,484
because while I had taken
the lead...
971
00:51:52,485 --> 00:51:54,524
Hey, Pad. Hey!
972
00:51:54,525 --> 00:51:56,404
..I managed to hold on to it...
973
00:51:56,405 --> 00:51:58,004
Nice and easy.
974
00:51:58,005 --> 00:51:59,884
..for about eight seconds.
975
00:51:59,885 --> 00:52:01,524
Oh, where's he going?!
976
00:52:01,525 --> 00:52:03,044
Come on, son.
977
00:52:03,045 --> 00:52:05,004
Not as fit as I used to be.
978
00:52:05,005 --> 00:52:06,685
I'm probably fitter.
979
00:52:08,765 --> 00:52:11,085
The whole chain's gone. It's bent.
980
00:52:12,885 --> 00:52:16,605
Look at the kink here. Look at that!
That is not helpful.
981
00:52:18,645 --> 00:52:20,324
Yep, one of us stranded...
982
00:52:20,325 --> 00:52:21,524
PANTING
983
00:52:21,525 --> 00:52:24,164
..the other just trying
to stay upright,
984
00:52:24,165 --> 00:52:27,564
the human dynamo
disappearing into the distance.
985
00:52:27,565 --> 00:52:28,964
Just keep pedalling.
986
00:52:28,965 --> 00:52:30,764
Keep turning my legs.
987
00:52:30,765 --> 00:52:34,245
This triathlon of ours
was getting predictable.
988
00:52:35,765 --> 00:52:37,165
Can't see the boys.
989
00:52:38,845 --> 00:52:40,524
No sign of them.
990
00:52:40,525 --> 00:52:42,164
But then...
991
00:52:42,165 --> 00:52:45,204
..Harris reminded us all
that with middle age
992
00:52:45,205 --> 00:52:46,724
comes wisdom.
993
00:52:46,725 --> 00:52:49,085
The wisdom to always play...
994
00:52:50,525 --> 00:52:51,965
..to your strengths.
995
00:52:53,805 --> 00:52:55,844
Come on, Monaro.
996
00:52:55,845 --> 00:52:59,725
Right, I've got a fair old amount
of distance to catch up here.
997
00:53:02,925 --> 00:53:05,124
Oh, I'm flat out.
998
00:53:05,125 --> 00:53:06,725
I can't go any quicker than this.
999
00:53:09,325 --> 00:53:11,684
The Vauxhall was getting me
back on track,
1000
00:53:11,685 --> 00:53:13,844
but its injection of pace
looked like
1001
00:53:13,845 --> 00:53:15,924
it had come too late.
1002
00:53:15,925 --> 00:53:18,604
Flintoff was approaching
the end of his lap.
1003
00:53:18,605 --> 00:53:21,364
And with McGuinness
just a minute or so behind,
1004
00:53:21,365 --> 00:53:24,125
even with a heap of extra
V8 legwork...
1005
00:53:25,325 --> 00:53:28,884
..I'd need a miracle
to reel them back in.
1006
00:53:28,885 --> 00:53:31,684
Especially as Flintoff didn't
look all that interested
1007
00:53:31,685 --> 00:53:33,405
in giving up his lead.
1008
00:53:34,645 --> 00:53:37,164
HE GRUNTS
1009
00:53:37,165 --> 00:53:38,764
Flippin' shoes.
1010
00:53:38,765 --> 00:53:40,485
Oh! I'm driving.
1011
00:53:44,605 --> 00:53:46,044
Where are they?
1012
00:53:46,045 --> 00:53:49,885
Well, one of us was
on the final sprint.
1013
00:53:50,965 --> 00:53:53,604
Whoa!
1014
00:53:53,605 --> 00:53:55,684
Three laps of the gravel track.
1015
00:53:55,685 --> 00:53:57,044
Back at the wheel...
1016
00:53:57,045 --> 00:53:58,244
Still out of breath.
1017
00:53:58,245 --> 00:53:59,964
..of the TVR.
1018
00:53:59,965 --> 00:54:02,764
FRED LAUGHS
1019
00:54:02,765 --> 00:54:04,605
What are the boys doing?
1020
00:54:06,045 --> 00:54:08,125
There's nobody else on the track.
1021
00:54:09,885 --> 00:54:11,524
I can see the cars.
1022
00:54:11,525 --> 00:54:13,764
HE GROANS
1023
00:54:13,765 --> 00:54:15,924
Let's keep McGuinness at bay.
1024
00:54:15,925 --> 00:54:18,164
He's not even started yet.
1025
00:54:18,165 --> 00:54:19,845
Come on, Paddy!
1026
00:54:21,365 --> 00:54:22,885
One lap down, Paddy, lad.
1027
00:54:25,125 --> 00:54:26,244
Come on.
1028
00:54:26,245 --> 00:54:27,805
Come on, keep going.
1029
00:54:29,245 --> 00:54:30,884
Here we go!
1030
00:54:30,885 --> 00:54:33,404
Fair play to the big lad -
already a lap up,
1031
00:54:33,405 --> 00:54:36,644
even a real Ferrari would have
struggled to catch him.
1032
00:54:36,645 --> 00:54:38,724
FRED WHOOPS
1033
00:54:38,725 --> 00:54:44,244
So the Toyarri - well, let's
just say it had met its match.
1034
00:54:44,245 --> 00:54:47,484
Oh, my God, the water's coming in.
1035
00:54:47,485 --> 00:54:50,085
HE CHEERS
1036
00:54:52,205 --> 00:54:54,044
With Harris bringing up the rear...
1037
00:54:54,045 --> 00:54:55,364
Come on, then!
1038
00:54:55,365 --> 00:54:56,764
..Flintoff was away,
1039
00:54:56,765 --> 00:54:59,685
and nothing was going to stop him.
1040
00:55:02,365 --> 00:55:03,965
Whoa!
1041
00:55:07,205 --> 00:55:09,365
ENGINE FAILS TO START
1042
00:55:12,645 --> 00:55:14,284
I've broke down!
1043
00:55:14,285 --> 00:55:16,804
Going to have to make a run
for it. I'm going to run.
1044
00:55:16,805 --> 00:55:18,964
MUSIC: Reverend Black Grape
by Black Grape
1045
00:55:18,965 --> 00:55:22,085
Oh, yes, Preston's answer
to the Terminator...
1046
00:55:23,485 --> 00:55:25,644
..just kept on trucking.
1047
00:55:25,645 --> 00:55:27,924
I've got me cycling shoes on.
1048
00:55:27,925 --> 00:55:30,844
What's he doing?!
HORN BEEPS
1049
00:55:30,845 --> 00:55:33,924
So, with darkness falling on
our shambolic efforts...
1050
00:55:33,925 --> 00:55:36,244
FRED WHOOPS
1051
00:55:36,245 --> 00:55:38,685
Flintoff's running.
I can't see what's happened.
1052
00:55:40,645 --> 00:55:43,404
..the result was
what we always knew.
1053
00:55:43,405 --> 00:55:47,724
♪ Gather around me... ♪
1054
00:55:47,725 --> 00:55:50,364
Oh!
1055
00:55:50,365 --> 00:55:54,765
The man who most embodies the
gentleman's midlife opportunity...
1056
00:55:56,845 --> 00:56:01,125
..is Andrew "Freddie" Flintoff, OBE.
1057
00:56:03,205 --> 00:56:05,124
Well done, pal. Thank you.
1058
00:56:05,125 --> 00:56:08,444
Fred, you are the king
of the middle-aged men.
1059
00:56:08,445 --> 00:56:10,244
HE LAUGHS
1060
00:56:10,245 --> 00:56:12,844
Tell you what, this earring's
coming straight out.
1061
00:56:12,845 --> 00:56:14,724
ALL LAUGH
1062
00:56:14,725 --> 00:56:18,565
♪ All joyful and triumphant... ♪
1063
00:56:22,045 --> 00:56:24,685
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
1064
00:56:28,445 --> 00:56:30,524
Look at him.
1065
00:56:30,525 --> 00:56:33,044
Let's not spoil his moment.
1066
00:56:33,045 --> 00:56:34,844
Congratulations, Fred... Thank you.
1067
00:56:34,845 --> 00:56:37,084
..but you know what the worst
thing about that day was?
1068
00:56:37,085 --> 00:56:39,284
Yeah. You cheating, obviously.
How did I cheat?
1069
00:56:39,285 --> 00:56:42,164
Well, you did half the swim
on a Jet Ski pad.
1070
00:56:42,165 --> 00:56:44,684
I've never driven
a Jet Ski in my life.
1071
00:56:44,685 --> 00:56:46,204
It was just floating on the water.
1072
00:56:46,205 --> 00:56:48,124
I jumped off and swam
over to you. End of.
1073
00:56:48,125 --> 00:56:49,884
You nearly drowned doing
a 20-metre swim.
1074
00:56:49,885 --> 00:56:51,724
You have got a point.
I'm not going to lie,
1075
00:56:51,725 --> 00:56:54,724
you wasn't the stiffest competition
I've ever had, you two. Come on.
1076
00:56:54,725 --> 00:56:57,924
The worst thing about the day
was wearing those wet suits.
1077
00:56:57,925 --> 00:56:59,564
Now I know how a sausage feels.
1078
00:56:59,565 --> 00:57:01,284
Anyhow, lads, this one's clear cut.
1079
00:57:01,285 --> 00:57:03,084
You bought a fake Ferrari. Yep.
1080
00:57:03,085 --> 00:57:04,964
You bought a Vauxhall
family car. Harsh.
1081
00:57:04,965 --> 00:57:06,244
I won the triathlon
1082
00:57:06,245 --> 00:57:09,684
so that means the ultimate
midlife opportunity car
1083
00:57:09,685 --> 00:57:11,124
is the TVR.
1084
00:57:11,125 --> 00:57:13,885
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
1085
00:57:15,645 --> 00:57:19,724
Congratulations, Fred. You are
the ultimate midlife crisis.
1086
00:57:19,725 --> 00:57:21,044
Thank you.
1087
00:57:21,045 --> 00:57:24,564
No... Whoa! No, no.
Fred, Fred, I'm sorry...
1088
00:57:24,565 --> 00:57:26,844
That's all we've got
time for this series
1089
00:57:26,845 --> 00:57:29,324
and I'm sorry it's been
a short one. Not you.
1090
00:57:29,325 --> 00:57:31,604
But we'll be back later in
the year with a longer one.
1091
00:57:31,605 --> 00:57:32,844
Not you.
1092
00:57:32,845 --> 00:57:38,164
And maybe even some foreign travel,
boys! Keep those fingers crossed!
1093
00:57:38,165 --> 00:57:40,524
See you then.
Thank you so much for watching,
1094
00:57:40,525 --> 00:57:41,645
and goodnight.
81712
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