All language subtitles for The Royle Family - The New Sofa

♪ l would like to leave this city

♪ This old town
don't smell too pretty, and...

♪ l can feel the warning signs

♪ Running around my mind

♪ So what do you say

♪ You can't give me the dreams
that are mine an_ay

♪ You're ham the world away

♪ Ham the world away

♪ Hamthe world away... ♪

(Louis Armstrong) # Sleigh bells ring

♪ Are you listening?

♪ In the lane

♪ Snow is glistening

♪ A beautiful sight

♪ We're happy tonight

(Jamie Oliver) Brilliant.
So, goose is done.

- # Walking in a winter wonderland #
- So, let's have a look at this turkey.

Look at him, Barb.

He gets on my bloody nerves,
these days, him.

Jamie bloody Oliver.

'Ey, with his juniper berries
and his bloody cariumber.

- (Barbara laughs)
- l mean...

who'd have that shite
in the cupboard, eh?

Doesn't he know
there's a credit crunch on?

We've just paid 5p
for a bloody carrier bag, haven't we?

And he's swanning all over the place
trying to save the bloody world

and all we wanna do is put
the bloody chip pan back on.

- (Laughs)
- 'Ey? Without giving it all that.

Look, look, look!

- Olive oil, my arse!
- (Laughs)

Getfour or_ve leaves,
andjust literally

get your hand under that skin again

and you canjustfan 'em out
here, there and ever_here.

And what's gonna happen is,
as that butter melts...

- (Doorbell)
- Get that, will ya, Barb?

That'll be Jordan
and Peter Anzacs, that.

(Both laugh)

- Hiya, Denise.
- Aw, hiya, Mam.

- (Barbara) Are you all right?
- Yeah. Are you?

- Yeah.
- (Dave) Hiya, Barbara.

- Hiya, Dave. Are you all right?
- Yeah.

- Hiya, Dad.
- Hiya, Denise.

- Hiya, Jim.
- Hiya, Dave.

Dried cranberries are pretty apt,
l reckon.

And l've got some blueberries,
sour cherries.

So give that a little stir-up.
Take ham that butter

and we'll give ham that butter
per breast.

Once you've got that butter in,
it's dead simple,

just get your hand and sort of smear it
all the way up the breast.

And at the end ofthe day,
COmmOn SenSe.. .

Have you had your tea?

(Both) Yeah.

What did you have?

Well, you know l've been really busy,

what with the Christmas meal tomorrow
and everything,

so we just shared
Little David's selection box.

- mw.
- Didn't we, Dave?

Mm, yeah.

Little bits around the carcass...

- Oh, Denise?
- Yeah?

What we having for starters tomorrow?

Well...

erm, l'm thinking of cup-a-soups.

- Cup-a-soups?
- Yeah, but with a twist.

Oh, what's the twist?

lt's gonna be in a bowl, not a cup.

- (Dave) In a bowl.
- Oh, how lovely! Aw.

Bet you Nigella's quaking
in her bloody boots there.

- It was my idea, Barbara.
- Was it, Dave?

Dave! It was our idea,
a joint decision made jointly.

Made it a joint decision jointly,
Barbara, yeah, mm.

So, what have you jointly decided
we're having after cup-a-soup?

Well, l'm gonna get
some Mary Piper potatoes

and then l'm going to roast them

and then baste them
with a knob of Stork.

Oh, how lovely.

And then l'm doing...

- carrot crush.
- (Gasps)

Carrots are from me dad's allotment.

- Are they, Dave?
- Yeah.

What's that like, carrot crush?

Well, it's Dave's dad's carrots
off Dave's dad's allotment

and l'm gonna boil 'em up

and then l'm gonna crush 'em

and then put on a knob of Stork.

Oh, how lovely.

- How is your dad, Dave?
- Oh, he's all right, yeah.

Has he still got that dry crevice?

- Yeah.
- (Tuts) Oh.

We're really looking forward to seeing
them both tomorrow, aren't we, Jim?

Oh, aye, yeah. The highlight
of my bloody year, this.

What we having for pudding, Denise?

Well, l'm just gonna go down
the traditional Christmas route.

Ooh, Wall's Viennetta!

Yeah.

- But with a twist.
- Twist.

What's the twist?

l haven't really thought up
that twist yet.

Yeah.

Are you looking forward
to Christmas, Dave?

Yeah. l just want peas.

(Barbara) Oh, we all want peace
at Christmas, Dave.

No, peas.
l don't fancy that carrot crush.

(All laugh)

- Do you want a leg tomorrow, Dad?
- Mmm. l'd love a leg, Denise.

- Do you want a leg, Mam?
- Ooh, yes, please, Denise.

- Do you want a leg, Dave?
- Ooh, yeah, please.

- Me dad usually has a leg as well.
- Right.

Bloody hell, Denise, what are
we having, love, a bloody octopus?

(All laugh)

What time are you taking the kids over
to Anthony's?

Oh, they're already there.

They're having a little sleepover.

Oh. Won't you miss seeing their faces

when they open their presents
in the morning?

No. We've thought ofthat

and we've got Anthony to take
a little picture ofthem on his mobile.

lt's not a day for kids, really,
Christmas, is it?

No.

- Oh, Mam?
- Yeah?

Remind me again how you make your gravy?

Oh, well...

- you get an Oxo cube...
- Yeah.

..then you take the silver paper off...

- Yeah.
- ..put it in a bowl...

- Yeah.
- ..pour on boiling water.

- That's it.
- Right. Do you have to stir it?

Oh, yeah, you have to stir it.

You wouldn't write it down for me,
would you?

- Yeah.
- Thanks.

(After Eight wrappers rustling)

Do you know, l haven't even done
the seating plan yet.

Seating plan, my arse.

Dad?

During the afternoon,
between 5:1 5 and 8:30 stroke 9:OO,

we're going to be having
a musical interlude

where we'll be having music
and, erm, and interludes.

- Oh!
- But, aw, Dad, l was wondering,

- would you play the banjo?
- The bloody banjo on a Christmas Day?

lt's not the sodding X Factor, love.

(Dave laughs)

Oh, 'ey, do you know
who called round earlier, Dave?

- Who?
- Cockney bloody Bob!

- Cockney Bob?
- Yeah.

What was he after?

Well, he pretended he was passing,
didn't he, and he'd just called in,

but he wanted to swank off,
as bloody usual.

What about?

Well, he's had new UPVC windows fitted,
hasn't he?

- Has he?
- Oh, aye. You knowwhat?

He sat there, where you are,

with Barbara waiting on him
hand and bloody foot,

he had three cups oftea
with two bloody sugars in every one,

then ate two HobNobs,
the greedy git.

l'd like to put a PVC brick
through his PVC bloody windows!

Oh, Jim! Do you mind?

l mean, he's a nice fella, Cockney Bob.

Ooh, he showed me a picture
of his new baby on his mobile phone.

- Aw. What is it?
- A boy.

- No, what phone?
- Oh, l don't know.

One that takes photographs.

He didn't want you to look
at his new baby,

he wanted you to look at his new bloody
Nokia bloody phone!

Oh, for heaven's sake, Jim!

You were as nice as pie to him
when he was in here

and as soon as he was out, you called
him all the names under the sun.

Why didn't you say that to his face?

Well, l didn't want to upset him, did l?
He's a bloody mate of mine, isn't he?

lt's no wonder you've got
no sodding friends, Barb.

(Denise gasps)

Dave, do you know Cockney Bob's wife,
Cockney Carol?

- Don't know.
- You do! She's a big girl.

She's got a bloody belly
like a bean bag.

Not sure, no.

She's got no teeth on the top and
she's always licking her bloody gums.

- You do know her.
- Don't know.

You do! She's got a bloody crooked nose
like a boxer, like that.

She always looks as though
she's sniffing her own ear.

Oh, l know who you mean now.
Cockney Carol.

Co... l tell you what. She...

is a smashing bloody girl, her.

l wouldn't hear a wrong word
said about her.

(Wrapper rustling)

(Doorbell)

Aye, aye, who's that?

Are you expecting anyone?

No.

Do you know who it is, Dave?

There's definitely someone at the door.

(Doorbell)

- Who could it be?
- l don't know.

(Doorbell)

Well, there's still somebody there.
Listen.

That's three times
they've rang the bell.

They definitely want us to answer it.

Yeah.

(Doorbell ringing rapidly)

- Should l go?
- (All) Yeah.

Go on, Barb. Go on, Barb, you open it.

(Dave) Wonder who it is.

(Jamie Oliver)
Right, Christmas to me is clementines...

Oh! (Laughs)

lt's Santa! Come in, love!

Ho-ho-ho!

Ah, glad to see you back, Twiggles.

- When did you get back?
- Er, yesterday.

Oh, not that Jamie Oliver again.

Aw. Twiggy, would you like a snowball?

Oh, no, thanks, Barb,
l can't stand that shite.

Oh. Would you like an Advocaat?

Yeah, go on, l'll have one ofthem.

And can you put us a drop of lemonade
in it, Barb?

Yeah.

- There you are, Twiggy.
- Oh, ta, love.

l was sorry to hear about
you and Cheryl splitting up.

Yeah, it's OK, Barb.

(Glasses clinking)

- Fancy her dumping you like that.
- l know.

l mean, what's that bloke
with the burger van got that l haven't?

(Dave) Mmm.
(Denise) Yeah. Ta.

Well, you're looking well.

Recharged the old batteries, haven't l?

- Put a bit ofweight on.
- Well, put a few pounds on,

but you do, don't you? Having said that,
the food wasn't as good as last year.

Oh, that's a shame.

Still, it's not what you go for, is it?
You go for the craic with the lads.

(All) Yeah.
(Jim) You're right there.

What were you inside for
this time, Twiggy?

Oh, just the usual,
bit of fraud, nothing serious.

No. And how long did you do in the end?

Er, 1 2 months.

Do you know,
1 2 months is just about right.

- (Barbara) Is it?
- l mean, 1 8 months is too much.

- (All) Yeah.
- And six months, well, l mean,

- just not enough, is it?
- (All) No.

Well, it's great
to have you back, Twiggo.

Thank you, Jim. Hey...

you know my eldest, our Lee?

(All) Yeah.

- He was in there as well.
- (Jim) Oh, nice one, nice one!

l only get to see him
at weekends normally,

but in there l got to see him
all the time.

- Worked out great.
- Aw!

lsn't it good how prison
brings people together?

(Both) Yeah.

Yeah.

Absolutely, if you've got
some chestnuts...

Hey, l'll tell you what, though.

l've only been in 1 2 months,
l've come out,

and what a mess the world's in.

(All) Yeah.

Five pence for a carrier bag!

(Denise) It's disgusting.
(Dave) l know.

That won't affect you, will it, Twig?

You generally walk out with everything
stuffed in your inside bloody pocket!

(Laughter)

You could get one ofthose
bags for life.

(Jim) l've got one -

she's sitting next to you on the couch!

- (Laughter)
- Jim!

Sorry, Barb.

Hey, l'll tell you who was in there
and all.

Crusty Kev.

Crusty bloody Kev! Was he?

He's gone and bought himself
one ofthem Thai brides.

- (Dave) Has he?
- Yeah!

Hey...

l've only ordered meself one.

(All) Aw!

(Dave) Congratulations, Twiggy!
(Jim) Hey-hey!

She's, er... She's being delivered
in six to eight weeks.

l mean, l haven't paid the full whack
up front.

- Oh, bugger that.
- l'm doing it on instalments

cos then, like, if she's no good

l can send her back within 28 days,
you see.

- Ooh, that's good.
- Yeah. Mmm.

Are they good value for money,
these Thai brides?

Value for money? While he's been inside,

Crusty Kev's Thai bride

has only cleared the gutters,

put a new aerial on the roof
and flagged the drive.

She's only six stone wet through!

Well, it's about time you had
some romance in your life, Twiggy.

- Mm, yeah.
- Mm.

- Does she speak English, Twiggy?
- No.

And l'm gonna make sure
no bugger teaches it to her, either.

(Laughter)

Thai brides. Didn't have anything
like that in our day.

- No, l wish they bloody did.
- Thanks, Jim!

- What does she look like, Twiggy?
- 'Ey, she's a real belter!

l'll tell you what, l'll bring the
catalogue and you can have a look.

(Denise) Oh, yeah.

And have you sent her
a photograph of yourself?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, well, she's only got
her-bloody-selfto blame. (Laughs)

Well, l didn't actually send her
a photo of me.

l sent her a picture of, er...

Vernon Kay. l cut it out of TV Quick.

Vernon Kay! (Family Fortunes
wrong answer noise)

You've got a bloody brass neck,
you have, Twiggo.

So, er, what is you all doing tomorrow?

Well...bit ofthis, a bit ofthat.
Nothing special.

Only you could've come to mine
but, l mean, l haven't got a stove.

We're all having Christmas dinner
at our house tomorrow, Twig.

Oh, thanks, Dave.
That's really kind of you.

- Are you having turkey?
- Yeah.

- Can l have a leg?
- Yeah.

Oh, great. (Chuckles)

Right, better get off.
Left me old mam in the car.

Oh, why didn't you bring her in?

Well, there were some dodgy-looking
hoodies eyeing up the motor.

l didn't wanna leave it unattended.

You're better safe than sorry, Twiggo.

Good auld Nellie. How is she?
Has she still get the old shaving rash?

Yeah.

l tell you what, must be three or four
years since l've last seen your ma,

but you know what, l love the bloody
bones ofthat auld woman.

You give her my love, Twiggo.

Well, she's only outside if you wanna
go and have a word.

Er, no, no, it's better coming from you.

You've got a way with words,
haven't you?

- Right. Well, l'll get off.
- (Barbara) Jim...

give Twiggy one ofthose After Eights
to give to his mam.

There's only... There's only
the auld wrappers left, Barb.

Oh, never mind, never mind.

Listen, l'll see you all tomorrow.

Thanks again, Dave.

(Barbara) Bye, Twig.
(Dave) Bye, Twig.

Dave! What did you invite him for?

- l didn't.
- You did, you bloody gobshite.

He'll eat us out of
house and frigging home.

l wouldn't mind,
l've only got six Mary Pipers.

Well, can't you cut 'em in half?

Oh, Dave, you big gop.

Then there'd be 1 2.
l don't want to overface people.

- No.
- (Jim) Well...

l'm offto do a yuletide log.

(Gasps)

l tell you what,

that Thai girl's in a for a bit of
a shock when she steps offthe plane.

Ooh, yeah.

You see, Dave? She's expecting
to fall into the arms ofVernon Kay

and she's ending up
with bloody Peter Kay!

(Laughter)

(Denise and Barbara) Aww.

m_ .

(Louis Armstrong) # ..is the bluebird

♪ Here to stay is a new bird

- (Applause on TV)
- Happy Christmas!

(Louis Armstrong) # He sings a love song

♪ As we go along

♪ Walking in a winter wonderland

Merry Christmas, Jim!

(Laughs and claps)
# We wish you a merry Christmas

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

- Mmmwah!
- Oh, thanks, Barb.

Bloody 'ell.

Jim?

Something under the tree for you.

- Get it for us, will you, Barb?
- Yeah.

(Applause and cheering on TV)

(Chuckles)

Open it for us, will you, Barb?

Yeah.

Socks!

Why are you so surprised?
You bought the buggers, didn't you?

They're everyday socks
with a day of the week wrote on them.

Monday.

Tuesday.

- Wednesday.
- All right, Barb. Bloody 'ell, kid.

l get the idea. l'm not bloody
Forrest Gump, you know.

But say if l go down to the Pheasant
on a Friday night

and l've got Tuesday night's socks on,

they're gonna think
l'm a right bloody pillock, aren't they?

l mean, see, that's the trouble. You
don't think things through, love, do ya?

Denise! l've run the bath for ya!

Thanks, Dave.

(She yawns)

Can't believe we had to get up so early.

What time is it, Dave?

Quarter to twelve.

Oh, we're all right.
They're not even getting here till two.

(Dave) l've got a feeling l should've
took it out ofthe freezer last night.

(Noel Edmonds) This is something
l've always wanted to do

ever since l was at school.
Completely...

Got anything for me, Jim?

Er, oh, yes, love, l got you a little,
er, a baby pink, er, dressing gown,

but it's still on the shelf in Matalan.

- Oh.
- It's the thought that counts, Barb.

Yeah.

(Edmonds) Good morning!
(Children) Morning.

♪ Oh, l wish it could be
Christmas every day

♪ When the kids start singing
and the band begins to play

♪ Whoa, oh

♪ l wish it could be Christmas every day

♪ Let the bells ring out for Christmas

♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo

♪ Doo, doo

♪ Doo-oo-oo, Christmas

- (Children laughing)
- Quiet, please. Quiet.

l have a Christmas present
for one of you.

Jim, do you think
this top's Christmassy enough?

- Yeah.
- Cos Dave's mum'll make an effort.

She always does.

Bloody Dolly Daydream?

She won't know it's Christmas Day
till bloody Boxing Day.

What's up with you, Jim?

Oh, we've got to spend all day
with that bloody idiot.

- Who, Dave?
- No, Dave's dad, David Senior.

He gets on me bloody nerves
with his Ford Mondeo

and his leather bloody driving gloves.

Oh, cheer up, Jim.

lf he turns up again this year
with his home-made rhubarb wine,

God blimey, last year it gave me
the shites till New Year's Eve.

Jim! Go and smarten yourself up. Go on.

- l'm all right as l am, Barb.
- Jim, we're gonna be late.

(Groans)

l wish you'd have got me
some everyday undies, Barb.

lt's been Sunday all week
in these buggers.

(Laughs)

(Groans)

♪ Walking in a winter wonderland

♪ Walking in a winter wonderland

(Spits)

- Denise?
- Yeah?

l've finished. Do you want me
to leave the water in for you?

- Yeah. Thanks, Dave.
- OK.

♪ Very merry Christmas... ♪

l love this meal, l love itfar too much
to risk anything going wrong,

so l have devised my plan of action,

and l use it year in, year out,

and l'm notjust enthusiastic,
l am evangelical about it.

♪ Merry Christmas, baby

♪ Merry Christmas, baby... ♪

Time to parboil the potatoes,
which simply means...

Have we got a parboiler?

No, combi boiler.

- Boil awayforfour minutes.
- Oh, shame.

But instead ofdredging them in flour,
as is the usual practice...

Are you supposed to take
them green things off?

- l haven't.
- There's a sweetness to semolina

and a slight graininess
that makes them incredibly crunchy.

♪ It's that time of year again

♪ Lots of parties, lots ofmiends

♪ Time to put the Christmas music on

♪ Wish it could be like this every day

♪ All our troubles far away

♪ We all love to sing a Christmas song

(Gargling)

Hoh, hoo-hoo!

- (Denise laughs)
- What did you put in it?

Blue Nun, blue vodka, blue WKD,

then 7-Up, you know,
for those who don't drink.

- Good idea.
- Mm.

- # But there's no snow
- Mmm.

Do you think it needs
a touch more vodka?

- Yeah, go on.
- Yeah.

lt's Christmas, innit?

♪ It's that time of year again

♪ Lots of parties, lots ofmiends

- # Time to put the Christmas music on
- Get it in.

♪ Wish it could be like this
every day...

- Hey, Dave.
- Mm?

Do you know what l'm just thinking now?

- Yeah?
- Ifwe had some fruit in it

it would make it look really tropical.
Do you know what l mean?

Right, yeah.

(Dave) Ooh, yes.

(Grunts)

Thanks.

Perfect!

♪ Has done us proud

♪ Even Rudolph'sjoining in
upon his cloud...

Hey, Dave. How are you doing
with the swan napkins?

Yeah, l've done 'em now.

Oh, they look absolutely stunning.

- Yeah. Not easy, they're very tricky.
- Yeah.

Have you plugged
the Ambi Pur Winter Woodland in?

- Check.
- Great.

- (Doorbell)
- (Gasps) Oh, Dave!

The turkey! We've got to get it shifted.
Erm...

- It's still frozen.
- Put it in the airing cupboard.

- That's it.
- Shite!

- (Denise) Quick, come on.
- (Doorbell)

Don't just dribble it, Dave. Boot it!

That's it.

- (Doorbell)
- Hurry, Dave.

(Grunts)

Come on.

Oh! (Laughs)

- Oh, hiya, Mam.
- Merry Christmas, Denise!

- Merry Christmas.
- (Jim) Hiya, Denise. Hiya.

- Happy Christmas, Dad!
- Merry Christmas, Jim!

All right, all right.

- Come through.
- Oh, look, Jim. Oh.

Oh.

Oh, Denise, it's like Santa's grotto.

Oh, it's so... Look at the tree, Jim!

Ooh, Denise.

ls this the new sofa?

Yeah.

Oh, it's lovely.

- It's flame retarded.
- Is it?

Oh, Jim, it's flame retarded.

Erm, right, l've got to go back
in the kitchen.

- l'm just gonna baste the turkey.
- (Gasps) Oh, Denise.

Baste, my arse.

Er, your mam and dad
not arrived yet, Dave?

- No.
- Oh, come on.

They haven't cancelled on us,
have they, son?

No, they'll be here in a minute.

(Barbara) Jim.

- Mam?
- Yeah?

Do you think we need
any more condiments on the table?

Oh, no, it looks gorgeous, Denise.

- Really?
- Yeah.

l think the kids have been messing
with your serviettes, though.

They're Dave's swans!

My swans.

(Jim) Swans?

Where did you get them from, Dave?
Bloody Chernobyl?

- (Laughter)
- (Doorbell)

Ooh!

What are you doing, Jim?

l'm changing these bloody places,
that's what.

l'm not sitting by David Senior
all afternoon. He's a right knobhead.

Hey, have you seen the table?

lt's Dave's bloody paste table,
isn't it? The little tight-arse.

Why didn't they get
a proper bloody table?

Jim.

Dad, Mam, look, it's Jocelyn.

- Ah.
- (Barbara) Oh.

Merry Christmas, Jocelyn.

Merry Christmas, Barbara. (Chuckles)

Merry Christmas, Jocelyn.

Merry Christmas, Jim. (Chuckles)

ls, er, David Senior not with you today?

Oh, he's just parallel-parking
the Mondeo.

(Barbara) Ooh.

You look lovely, Jocelyn.
Have you lost weight?

- No.
- Oh.

Have you put a bit on?

- No, l'm the same as l was last time.
- Oh.

Jim, Jocelyn's exactly the same
as last time we saw her.

Oh, well done, Jocelyn, well done.

Come and sit down.

lt's lovely. (Chuckles)

- It's flame retarded.
- Mm.

- It's comfy.
- Yeah.

- (Squeaking)
- (Both chuckle)

(Jocelyn chuckles)

(# Jingle Bell Rock playing on stereo)

(Door opens)

♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell,
jingle bell rock

(Door shuts, footsteps)

Season's greetings, one and all!

- mw.
- (Jocelyn chuckles)

Merry Christmas, ''Barbera''.

Oh, merry Christmas, David...Senior.

(David Senior laughs)

Merry Christmas, Denise.

Merry Christmas, David Senior.

Merry Christmas, Jimbo.

(Dave) Hiya, Dad.

Merry Christmas, David!

lt's been a terrible year
for me parsnips...

Ah, well, we've all got
our cross to bear, eh?

..but the rhubarb has been
as consistent as ever

so l'm delighted to hand over forthwith

a bottle of, wait for it,

that old favourite...

the rhubarb wine!

(Cheering and clapping)

- Thank you.
- Strong stuff, is that.

A couple of glasses,
we'll all be talking rhubarb!

(Both laugh)

The fun starts right here, Jimbo!

There'll be banter like this all day.

Get us a large bloody drink,
will you, Dave? Please!

Right, OK. Can l just take your coat,
please, Dad?

- Certainly.
- Thank you.

- Barbara, can l take your coat?
- Thanks, Dave.

Mum?

- Thank you.
- Thank you, David.

Thank you.

Excrement in the exhaust pipe.

What?

This morning, Jimbo.

Excrement in the exhaust pipe.

What did you do that for?

No, not me, next-door neighbours.
The ongoing hedge dispute.

They put excrement in the exhaust pipe
ofthe Mondeo.

Ooh. Who needs excrement
on a Christmas morning?

lndeed. Gagging, weren't you, Jocelyn,
trying to scrape it out.

Oh, yes, l was, Barbara.

Well, you would be. Anybody with
an ounce of decency would be.

(David Senior) What a terrible year
it's been.

l never thought the country
would be in this big a mess.

- Did you, Barbera?
- No, no. It's shocking.

Yes, it's terrible.

5p for a carrier bag!

Hey, you're right,
it's a bloody disgrace!

Fair point well made, Jimbo.

(Bell tinkling)

Erm, l just want to run through
today's schedule.

First of all we're doing mingling,

and that'll be accompanied
by tropical punch

which Dave, my husband,

will shortly be bringing round
on a trolley.

- Can you confirm that, Dave?
- Yes.

(Barbara) On a trolley!

(Chuckling)

Also on the trolley there are aperitifs,
in brackets Hula Hoops.

Followed by table attending
in line with the seating plan.

Bloody hell, Denise, get on with it!

Napkins are then going to be adorned.

David used to make them into swans
when he was little.

He's done them, look,
they're on the table.

(Laughs) There they are.

Let's hope they don't eat all the bread,
eh, Jimbo?

(Laughter)

Dave, have you got page three
ofthe schedule?

No.

Oh, we'll just have to
play the rest by ear.

Balls to the bloody schedule!
Get the bloody booze out here!

Well, if you can all start
the mingling now

then Dave will bring out the trolley.

- Dave?
- What?

- Trolley.
- Now?

Yes.

Oh, Denise. Hasn't she
thought it all through, Jocelyn?

Yes.

(Clang, sloshing)

l don't ever remember mingling
at Christmas.

No, well, it's odd mingling when
there's only the two of you, isn't it?

Tropical punch, anyone?

Ooh, Dave!

Oh, David! Very Caribbean.

- Don't you think so, Barbara?
- Oh, yes. Tropical punch!

Can you taste the ambience in it, Mum?

- Ooh, yeah! (Laughs)
- Yeah?

Top marks for presentation

- and service, David.
- Thank you.

Can't you just bloody hand them out
instead of pushing that bloody trolley

- all over the sodding room?
- Jim! Don't ruin the mingling.

Oh. (Chuckles)

l'd like to be the first
to propose a toast.

mw .

To two families joined together

- by a turkey dinner.
- mw.

To turkey dinners!

Turkey dinners!

(Barbara) Oh.

Shouldn't we be toasting
something else, David?

Have you told them
about the management buyout?

Well, l was waiting
till we'd done the mingling.

Yeah, fair point well made, David,

but this is no time for false modesty.

Oh, tell them, David!

(Barbara) What is it, Dave?

Bloody hell, Dave, are you gonna
tell us, lad, or what?

Well, you know old Stan at work?

- Yeah.
- Well, he's retiring,

and he's asked me if l want to buy
his van off him, so l said yes.

Bravo!

And to think he's never passed an exam
in his life.

Them teachers - r-remedial.

l ask you. A toast! To David!

And his management buyout.

David's management buyout!

(Sighing and chuckling)

(Barbara) David, aw.

Oh, l do like your new sofa, Denise.

- Aw, do ya?
- Mmm.

Dave, why don't we show 'em
the trick what it does?

(Dave) Oh, yeah.
(Barbara) Oh, does it do a trick?

Right, Mam, just let me shift these.
Right?

One, two, three...

(Both whoop and laugh)

Y... Does my seat not do it?

No, because if it did
it'd be a bloody bed, wouldn't it?

Er... Fair point well made, Jimbo.

Dad, why don't you have a recline?

- No.
- Oh, come on, Jim!

Come and have a recline.

- No!
- Oh, go on, Jim.

No, l'll all right, thank you, Jocelyn.

lt reminds me of lying down.
Doesn't it you, Barbara?

Yeah, do you know,
l know exactly what you mean.

Oh! (Laughs) Oh, isn't it
a magical time, Christmas?

Yeah.

Do you want a recline, David Senior?

Oh, no, l'm all right, Barbera.

l'm enjoying watching you recline.

mw .

Go on, have a recline.

- (Jocelyn) Go on!
- Oh, well, if you insist.

(Ladies laughing)

Up you get. Give us your drink.

Ready, steady...

recline!

(Whooping, laughter)

Oh, this is marvellous, Barbera!

Come on, Jimbo, don't you want a go?

No, l don't want to!

Don't decline a recline!

(Laughter)

lf l wanted to recline l would've stayed
in bloody bed, wouldn't l?

Bloody sorry l never, now.

Oh, Jim. Can't you recline
for your own family on Christmas Day?

Oh, hey! (Laughs) Oh!

The louder you scream, the faster we go!

(Laughter)

- Try the other one.
- Is it just as good?

l don't know. Have a try.

- Come on, try this one.
- Come on, Jocelyn.

Get over here and l'll set you up.

Ready, steady, go!

(Shrieking and laughing)

(David Senior laughing)

- Oh, hey, Barbera?
- Yes?

- This reclining...
- Yeah?

- ..it's wearing me out!
- (Jocelyn shrieks and laughs)

(Ladies laughing)

Dave, l require some assistance
in the kitchen vicinity, please.

- What you doing in there, Dave?
- Mingling.

Mingling?
They're supposed to be mingling!

- You're not supposed to be mingling.
- l was only listening to them mingling.

They can be mingling
without you listening to them mingling.

- Well, when can l do mingling?
- You've done mingling!

- No more mingling.
- Well, shall l get the turkey?

Yes. Get the turkey.

Don't go. Let me just see.

- Don't want them to see you.
- What are they doing?

- Mingling.
- Mingling?

Now, Dave. Go now.

- Now?
- Yes, Dave!

(Sighs)

(David Senior) Then the second day,
as you know, that's two turtle doves.

Er, the third day is three French hens.

Er, the fourth day,
that's four calling birds.

And then it's...

♪ Five go-old rings ♪

- (Bang)
- Dave!

- Don't put it on the cup-a-soups.
- Then it's six geese a-laying.

Er, seven swans a-swimming.

Now, the eighth day, that's the one
a lot of people get wrong.

lt's eight maids a-milking.

Then it's nine ladies dancing.

Er, ten lords a-leaping.

Eleven, er, pipers piping.

And finally twelve drummers drumming.

(Banging)

(David Senior)
# Twelve drummers drumming

♪ Eleven pipers piping

♪ Ten lords a-leaping

♪ Nine ladies dancing

♪ Eight maids a-milking

♪ Seven swans a-swimming

♪ Six geese a-laying

♪ Five go-old rings!

♪ Four calling birds

♪ Three French hens

♪ Two turtle doves

♪ And a partridge in a pear tree ♪

♪ Five go-old rings!

(Grinding sounds)

♪ Four calling birds

♪ Three French hens

♪ Two turtle doves

♪ And a partridge in a pear tree ♪

(David Senior) # Seven swans a-swimming

♪ Six geese a-laying

♪ Five go-old rings!

♪ Four calling birds

♪ Three French hens

♪ Two turtle doves

♪ And a partridge in a pear tree ♪

- (Jocelyn whoops)
- (David Senior) ♪ Ohhhh! ♪

(Laughter)

(Barbara) Oh, Jim.

(Burps)

(Twiggy) Ho-ho-ho!

- Twiggy!
- Hi, Barb.

- All right, Twiggo?
- All right, Jim?

Er, here y'are, Dave. l would've got
more, only the dog started barking,

- l had to leg it.
- Oh, cheers, Twiggy.

Oh, Twiggy, this is me mum, Jocelyn.

Mum, this is Twiggy.

- Hello, Twiggy!
- Hello, Jocelyn!

Ooh!

- (Jim) Good old Twiggo!
- All right, Barb?

Aw, happy Christmas.

Twiggy, this is me dad, David Senior.

- Dad, this is Twiggy.
- Hello, Twiggy!

David Senior.

Four years in the RAF,
30 years in the Prudential

and 40 years in the doghouse
with me wife, Jocelyn.

Twig, do you wanna sit down, pal?

Oh, yeah. Ta, Dave.

- Tropical punch?
- Oh, yeah, go on.

Hey, l haven't missed the turkey,
have l?

(Dave) Oh, no, not yet.

- Am l still getting a leg?
- (Denise) Yeah.

(Louis Armstrong)
# In the meadow we can build a snowman

♪ And then pretend
that he is Parson Brown... ♪

More Château Lafite-Rhubarb, Jimbo?

Hasn't your Jim got
a lovely big head for hats, Barbara?

You know, everybody says that, Jocelyn.

You know, Jocelyn...

Dave said you were in hospital
a few months ago.

Yes. l've had an unruly bowel, Barbara.

Oh, Jocelyn. An unruly bowel?

Yes. It was out of control all summer.

But, you know, the people at easyJet,
they were so understanding.

(Barbara) Aw.

Me mam was a martyr to her bowels.
Wasn't she, Jim?

But she was the other way - impacted.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

ln the end, the gave her a barium enema.

Do you know, they found things that were
Iodged up there since the early '60s.

Oh! (Laughs)

- Er, Barbera?
- Yes?

She sounds like a wonderful woman.

Aw, thank you, David Senior. (Chuckles)

Does anyone want some bread?

(All) Yes, please!

Do you want oblongs or triangles?

(Jim) Oblongs for me, please.
(Dave) Triangles for me, please, Denise.

Well, l usually have triangles.

- Oh. Do you, Jocelyn?
- Yes.

Can l have triangles
like, erm, Jocelyn, please?

- Yeah.
- Denise, can l have an oblong

and a triangle?

No, you can't, because then l'd have
an oblong and a triangle left over.

Er, Jocelyn,

er, would you join me
in an oblong and a triangle?

Erm, no, l think
l'll stick to triangles.

Er, Jimbo, go Dutch with me?

Oblong and a triangle?

Just pass the bloody loaf over,
will you, Denise?

Bloody hell, come on.

Here, give that to Crying Arse.

- Triangle.
- Thanks.

- Triangle.
- Thanks, Jim.

Here, oblong.

Oblongo. Two there for you, Twiggles.

Ta.

Oh, oblong.

We've got satellite TV now, Barbara.

- Ooh.
- We're Sky-plussing the Queen.

l love the royal family.

l saw a documentary
about the Queen the other day,

and do you know who l think
she's got a likeness of?

Helen Mirren.

- Oh!
- (Twiggy) Yeah, Helen Mirren.

Helen Mirren, do you know,
she's 79 years of age now

and still perky as ever.

Aren't they, Twig? Ooh-ooh!

- You're not wrong there, Jim! (Laughs)
- Beep-beep!

You havin' that, Dave?

No, no, but do you know who l like?

The Queen Mother. Cos you're not always
reading about her in the papers.

She's not one for publicity
like these modern ones.

Well, she just gets on with it,
there's no fuss.

- Jocelyn.
- Mm?

She's dead.

- Is she?
- Yeah.

ls everyone enjoying their soup?

- Yeah!
- (Jim) Lovely, lovely, Denise!

Denise, the soup...is super!

(Ladies laugh)

l've used that on several social
occasions, haven't l, Jocelyn?

lt always gets a laugh.

(Barbara) Super soup!

- Would anybody like some more?
- (Jim) l'll have some more, please!

(Twiggy) l'll have some more, Denise.

Here y'are, Dave.

- (Elvis) # l'll have a blue Christmas
- Oh, this is more like it. The King!

- Elvis Presley.
- # Without you

l-l loved Elvis.

- He died on the lavatory.
- (Gasps) His own?

Er, yes. First floor, Gracelands,
Memphis, Tennessee.

Ooh, thank goodness
he died on his own toilet.

You'd hate to die on somebody else's
toilet, wouldn't you, Barbara?

There's nothing like your own toilet
for dying on.

Fair point well made, Barbera.

Strange, isn't it, all them number ones,

and yet it was a number two
that killed him.

Whoa, yes!

El... Elvis...

he was a twin, you know.

Oh, was he? Oh.

Any twins in your family, Jocelyn?

No.

When David was little, though,
he had an imaginary twin.

Did you, Dave?

Yeah, we went everywhere together.
We were inseparable.

ln-separable.

Aw. What happened to him, Dave?

- We had a massive fall-out.
- mw.

David's imaginary twin...

he wet the bed.

- Didn't he, David?
- Yeah.

Er, of course, it was David.

Er, l had to tell him that there was
nothing to be ashamed of

as l also was a wetter.

And my father, David Senior Senior,

David's grandfather,
Little David's great-grandfather,

I
he also was a wetter

as was his father
David Senior Senior S'enior

my grandfather,
David's great-grandfather,

Little David's great-great-grandfather.

He also was a wetter.

There was no stigma being a wetter
in them days, you see.

Erm, any wetters, er, in your family,
Jimbo, that you know of?

(Growls)

Dave, could you get in here
now, please? (Sniffs)

- Is everything all right, Denise?
- Yes, everything's fine, thank you.

(Sobbing)

- What's wrong?
- What's wrong, Dave?

Look, that's the bloomin' Mary Pipers,
they've gone wrong,

and you said you would help me
with the gravy,

and l had to put the Oxo in the gravy,
do all the stirring ofthe gravy,

and your dad's carrots was all dead hard
from the allotments,

and l can't get the Stork in them,
and...

trust you, Dave, trust you, Dave,

to win a bloody turkey
that we can't get in the oven

and only got two legs,

and you know everybody wanted a leg
off ofthat turkey,

and all you're doing is mingling,
mingling in your piano tie,

it's all you want, to be in there
mingling with that bloody piano tie,

and everybody... Dave Mingle Best,
that's what you should be,

mingling should be your middle name.

And no, not a man, because when l said
who wants triangles

and who wants oblongs,
any man would've said,

''Oh, l'll just have oblongs.''

''Oh, l'll just have triangles.'' Oh, no.

And then you... No, but you never ever
have triangles,

but just because they're having,
you were showing off,

''l'll have triangles, Denise.''

And every single thing's gone wrong
and we can't even serve it now.

And everything... l can't...

That's still frozen, that thing,
and everything...

And l've... l can't get the Stork
to melt into it like it did,

I
and all l wanted, all l wanted for

was just a day like Nigella's,

that's all l wanted
was it to be like Nigella's.

(Sobs)

Dave...

lt still can be, Denise.

(Sobs) Do you think?

Oh... (Sobs)

(Muffled sobbing)

Erm, excuse me.

We've got something to say.

Er, we've made a couple of mistakes.

(Denise) Erm, the roast potatoes
have gone all overdone,

and, erm, l got the timings wrong
on the turkey.

Oh, don't be worrying about that!

- It's all right.
- Be fine.

- Bring it out as it is.
- Should we?

(All) Yeah.

(Twiggy) Fancy getting upset over that.

- (Jim) Bloody hell.
- She's never done it before.

- No, and timing's difficult, isn't it?
- (Twiggy) It is, yeah, course it is.

(Sobbing) There's the roast potatoes.

And this is the turkey.

That's not a bloody turkey, Dave,
that's bloody roadkill.

- (Barbara) Jim.
- l was just thinking...

see that leg there, l could put that
into the toaster maybe.

You like a leg, don't you, Twiggy?

Yeah. No, thanks, Denise.

Actually, you know,
l'm not that keen on turkey, really.

No, l'm not bothered about turkey.

- Take it away, Denise.
- (All) Yeah.

(Barbara) Did you save anything, Denise?

Er, yeah, the carrot crush.

(Cheering)

- David Senior's home-grown carrots...
- Carrot crush! Carrot crush!

- ..to the rescue!
- (Cheering, laughter)

- (Twiggy) Oh, look at this.
- Oh!

Here y'are, give us a big dollop.

- Lovely, lovely.
- (Cheering)

(Jocelyn) Lovely.

(Ladies whooping)

A toast! To David Senior's
home-grown carrots!

(Cheering)

Toast, my arse.
Bloody Christmas without a turkey?!

- Bloody hell!
- Oh, Jim!

- (Twiggy) It looks great, this.
- Er, Barbera?

- Yes?
- See, it's all down to the manure.

Ooh, yeah.

- Mm, yeah, you can really taste it.
- (Jocelyn) Mm.

- Can't you, Jocelyn?
- Ooh, it's lovely.

Oh, you get fed up with turkey
at Christmas, don't you?

Would you like some gravy
on your Christmas dinner, Mam?

Yes, please, David.

Ooh, lovely.

- And over here.
- Oh, lovely, Dave.

- Dad?
- Ooh, no, thanks, David.

l do not want to sully the crush.

Jim, do you want some gravy
on your Christmas dinner?

What bloody Christmas dinner?

lt would've been a different story,
Barbera,

- if me parsnips had come good.
- Yes. Aw.

Now, l don't want to
embarrass you, but...

can l just say again how lovely
this carrot crush is, Denise?

Oh, thank you, Jocelyn.

Mm, it's got that...that lovely
aftertaste. What's that?

lt's, erm, Stork.

Yes, that's it. Oh, and this gravy,
it's delicious.

Aw, thank you, Jocelyn.

That's my mum's recipe.

ls it, Barbara?
Oh, l must get that off you.

Does anyone want some more?

- No.
- No, no, thanks, love.

lt's very, very filling, you know, love.
Very filling.

I
Er, what...what line of business, er
are you in, Twiggy?

Oh, you know, bit ofthis, bit ofthat.

l've just come out.

Nothing wrong with that.

Both Jocelyn and myself voted for
Biggins when he was in the jungle,

and we never miss Gok Wan.

He's... (Laughs)

He hasn't come out the closet.

He's just come out the bloody prison!

(Laughter)

Stupid me!

- l like prison films.
- Ooh, so do l.

(Denise) Yeah.

l love anything with anyone
being captured.

Ooh, that, erm... Oh, what was it?

Er, Birdman OfAlcatraz.

- Oh, yes, yes.
- (Jim) Burt Lancaster. Good old Burt.

- Why was he called the Birdman?
- Cos he shat on all the windowsills.

You havin' that one, Twiggo?

Thank you, David.

Have you ever been inside, David Senior?

Er, n-no, but, er...

l got locked up one night in the Odeon

after l fell asleep
watching Brokeback Mountain.

So, you know, l can empathise.

Oh, Barbera, foraging around under
the seats all night for bits of popcorn.

mw .

l used to have a pen pal
in prison in America.

- Did you?
- l used to write to him via airmail.

- Ooh! Did you, Jocelyn?
- Mm.

- He was on death row.
- (Gasping)

He'd battered and brutally murdered
SeVen WOmen.

But he had beautiful handwriting,
Barbara.

- Did he?
- Mm.

(Barbara) Ooh.

Oh, l was sorry to hear about your cat,
Jocelyn.

Oh, thank you, Barbara.

- (Twiggy) What's up with it?
- It's got Alzheimer's.

Doesn't even know us now.

Did you read about that auld widow
in Surrey?

(Barbara) No.
(Jocelyn) No.

She only left f420,OOO in her will
to her bloody cat.

- Get away!
- No!

Fancy that, a bloody auld shit machine
swanning round bloody Surrey

with half a million quid in its pocket.
Bloody hell.

What was it called?

What bloody difference
would that make, Dave?

See, that's why all the cats round here
are going missing,

cos they're all pissing off
down to Surrey.

- Jim!
- Oh, come on, Barb.

Bloody hell, we're sitting here
having carrot crush,

and that greedy bloody cat,
what's it having?

John bloody West bloody tuna!

l wanted a cat
but we've not got a cat flap.

(Jocelyn) Aw.

Er, Cassandra Colby-Colshaw, er,
my chiropodist,

and incidentally, Barbera, the country's
Ieading corn remover bar none -

nOne -

her cat only has one ball.

- (Gasps)
- He's a uniball.

- Ooh.
- A uniball?

Uniball.

Erm, do you know that...that man,

he always played a baddy
in the old war films?

What was he called?
He had, like, a tache there.

- (Jim) Hitler.
- Hitler. Erm, he only had one ball.

- Hitler was a uniball?
- Yeah.

History's most famous uniball,
l'd say, Barbera.

Oh.

Which ball do you think was missing,
the left or the right?

lt wouldn't make any bloody difference,
Dave, if he only had the one.

lt'd be there in the middle.

ln the middle.

Fair point well made, Jimbo.

Do you think that's why he was always
in such a bad mood?

- Ooh, well, it couldn't have helped.
- Fair point well made also, Barbera.

No, Cassandra Colby-Colshaw,

my chiropodist, and incidentally

the country's leading corn remover
bar none - none -

she lost her husband,
Clarence Colby-Colshaw,

er, in the summer, in, erm...

August?

No, in Aldi.

They found him in the tomatoes, Barbara.

- Did they?
- (Jocelyn) Poor man.

He'd been suffering for years
from déjà vu.

- Oh, l'm sorry to hear that.
- mw.

But at least being married
to a chiropodist,

- his feet were corn free.
- Oh, yeah.

(Jim) # Corn free!

♪ As free as the wind blows

♪ As free as the grass grows

♪ When you're corn free! ♪

(Cheering)

(# Banjo and tambourine playing)

♪ Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer

♪ Had a very shiny nose

♪ And if you ever saw him

♪ You would even say it glows

♪ All ofthe other reindeer
used to laugh and call him names

♪ They wouldn't let poor Rudolph

♪ Join in any reindeer games

♪ Oh, till one foggy Christmas Eve

♪ Santa came to say

♪ Oh, Rudolph with your nose so bright

♪ Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?

♪ Then all the reindeers loved him

♪ And they shouted out in glee

♪ Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer

♪ You'll go down in history! ♪

(Jim) Hey-hey! Good old Rudolph!

(Cheering)

(Slow strumming)

♪ Oh, the weather outside is frightful

♪ But the fire is so delightful

♪ And since you've no place to go

♪ Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

♪ When we finally kiss good night

♪ How l hate going out in the storm

♪ But as long as you hold me tight

♪ All the way home l'll be warm

♪ Oh, the weather outside is frightful

- # But the fire is so delightful
- (Jim humming along)

♪ And since we've no place to go

♪ Let it snow, let it snow,
Iet it snow ♪

(Cheering)

Good old David Senior.

Jimbo, l thought we could have

a David Senior, Twiggo, Jimbo jamboree.

What about, what about...

How does it go? # You...

- (Higher note) # You...
- # _o... # _o, yo, yo, yo.

♪ Better not shout, you'd better not cry

♪ You'd better not pout,
l'm telling you why

♪ Santa Claus is coming to town

Here we go, happy New Year!

♪ He's making a list,
he's checking it twice

♪ He's going to find out
who's naughty and nice

♪ Santa Claus is coming to town

♪ He sees you when you're sleeping

♪ He knows when you're awake

♪ He knows when you've been bad or good

♪ So be good for goodness' sake!

♪ Oi! You better watch out

♪ You better not cry

♪ You'd better not pout,
l'm telling you why

♪ Santa Claus is coming to town

(Jim) The chorus, the chorus!

♪ He sees you when you're sleeping

♪ He knows when you're awake... ♪

Oh, Jim. l've really enjoyed today.
Have you?

- l have, yeah.
- mw.

- Didn't our Denise do well, eh?
- Yeah.

- l was proud ofthat girl today.
- Yeah.

mw .

Barb, could you do us a favour
in the morning?

- Yeah.
- Get me up nice and early, please.

- Early? What for?
- Yeah.

l want to put some more excrement
in Dave's dad's Mondeo exhaust pipe.

Oh, Jim!

Fair point well made, Jimbo.

Hmm.

Hey, Barb, you know, erm...

- You know, of a Christmas Day night...
- Yeah?

..you're normally too tired to give me
me little Christmas present, aren't you,

because, well, you've been
cooking all day.

Yeah.

Well, you haven't been cooking
this year, have you?

Oh, no.

What do you think?

- Aw, come on, then.
- Ooh, Barb.

Hey, Jim.

- Jim.
- Ooh. (Kissing)

- Ooh, Jim!
- Oh, Barb!

- (She laughs)
- Oh, Barb!

- Oh, Jim!
- Oh, Barb!

- Oh-ho-ho, Jim!
- (Grunts)

Oh, Barb! (Grunting)

God blimey, the bloody rhubarb wine!

(Louis Armstrong) # Later on

♪ We'll conspire

♪ As we dream

♪ By the_re

♪ To face unamaid

♪ New plans that we made

♪ Walking

♪ In a winter wonderland

♪ Bogoo_o_iddlyoh_ee_oodleoo
wonder1and ♪