Original subtitles

Kenny: Coming out at a Catholic High school

was pretty scary,

but my school wanted me to feel more at home,

so they put together a gay straight alliance,

which is, honestly, kind of great

because I've been wanting to find a place

where I can hang out with other kids like me.

- He's here! - He's queer!

Get used to it!

- I was supposed to say that. - [Scoffs]

Is this... is this all... this is all of us?

Am I the only "G" in the GSA?

So far. Tell us everything.

When you're hooking up, what's second base?

'Cause for us, it's boobs.

What's the gay version of boobs?

Um, excuse me... For a second.

I think I forgot my gay wallet.

I told you they had those!

How did you know that?

My mom says I have gay intuition.

Oh, my god!

[Sighs]

While I've been trying to find people like me...

Ever since her divorce news broke,

my mom's been trying to avoid people like her.

Eileen!

I heard about you and pat...

Sorry, Nancy. Ice cream, can't talk. Bye!

[Gasps] Eileen!

- How are you? - Sorry, Suzie.

Paper towels, can't talk. Bye!

[Gasps]

- Eileen? - Hey, Marcia.

Can't talk. Bye!

Synced and corrected by VitoSilans - www.Addic7ed.com -

Can we please stop shopping at the German market?

I mean, what is this stuff?

It's bundnerfleisch.

It's air-dried meat cured with

white wine and seasonings.

Nope.

I'm getting all meat and no

- wine off this thing. - Ugh.

When are you going back to the regular grocery store?

When those gossiping hens

stop staking me out in the parking lot.

Oh, I would so love a rotisserie hen right now.

- Mmm. - Hey!

Hi.

Hi.

Hello.

I'm here.

- Yes, we see that. - Shannon: Oh, no.

Aunt Jodi's having another one of her Ambien blackouts.

- Hmm. - Jodi, you're awake!

- You're awake! - Jimmy: Aunt Jodi!

- Aye-yai-yai-yai-yai! - You're awake!

- You're awake! - No. I'm here for book club.

Oh, my gosh. That's today?

Um, no. No, we have to cancel.

I can't face those women.

It's too late. They'll be here in 30 minutes.

I can't be ready by then!

I won't even be done chewing by then.

I-it takes 8 to 10 days

to get ready for a book-club meeting.

I have to clean the house, find all the right snacks...

cold apps, hot apps, palate cleansers...

all wrapped up in a clever literary theme.

Oh, well, maybe today's theme could be "Panic and Shame."

I have been avoiding these women,

trying not to talk about my problems,

but now these women are coming into my home.

How am I gonna not talk about my problems

when my problem's sitting right here?

Well, if you'd like, we could...

Yes, please. Don't be here.

I was gonna say, "Help Clean Up," but message received.

You know, it's her subtlety that I appreciate.

- Can we leave, too? - No!

You and Shannon have to stay

here and help me with book club.

Of all times not to be gay or divorcing you.

Hey, Dad, so, I was thinking,

since we have the day... I am so sorry.

Are you alphabetizing three DVDs?

[Sighs] Yeah, okay. So, I've got "Evita," "Black Hawk Down,"

and "Salmon Fishing in the Yemen,"

but I can't decide if I want them

in ascending or descending order.

Actually, "Evita's" mine, but keep it.

I've got the Blu-Ray.

So, you know how,

whenever Mom wants us out of the house,

we always go to Clifford's and we watch NASCAR?

Yeah. You want to go early?

[Chuckles]

Actually, uh, I was thinking

maybe we don't watch NASCAR, like, ever,

and by "we," I mean the human race.

Oh, I get it. I see what's happening.

Now that you're out,

you don't want to do any of the things

that you pretended to like before.

Uh-huh, like I stopped flossing post-divorce.

Sure, except mine is a reasonable... Decision.

Anyway, uh, it's just that lately,

I've been feeling like everywhere I go,

I am the only gay person.

Hmm. We can go to Albert's and watch monster trucks.

Yeah, no, you are driving the wrong way down the street.

Oh, I got it.

There's a coffee shop that I pass

sometimes when I'm on patrol,

and it's not advertised as such,

but I think they may be known in some underground circles

as a gay coffee shop.

Do you mean the rainbow grind?

- That's the one. - That is, like, the gay coffee shop!

I've been wanting to go there for a while.

You'd... Really take me?

Of course I would.

Now, should I change, or should we match?

Nah, maybe we shouldn't match, but it'd be fun to match.

I kind of love what I'm wearing, though.

Dad, have you never hung out with me before?

[Sighs] I'm sorry, son.

I'm just super excited

that a straight dad and a gay son can still bond...

not that I was worried before because I was excited,

but now I'm excited even more.

We should go.

[Sighs]

Now, look [Sighs] this isn't gonna be easy,

but the goal is to get through today

without having to dredge up

a lot of our personal family business.

I don't know, Mom.

T-these women are your friends.

These women are not my friends.

They're my book club,

and I purposely chose tough, opinionated women

who could see through a flimsy narrative.

Maybe you'd feel better if you talk about some of this stuff,

have a good cry.

There's no crying in book club,

not even when we read "The Fault in Our Stars."

[Voice breaking] Don't even get me started on Augustus.

He...

Do you see this?

Do you see how he's being weak and vulnerable?

There is no way I'm gonna act

this way in front of those women,

especially not Marcia Worthman.

You know she's ready to pounce.

So, you'll just stick to the book.

[Sighs] Which I haven't even read.

Luckily, I've read Hillary Clinton's "Hard Choices"

several times,

and I made a cheat sheet of provocative

questions and talking points

to help stimulate the discussion.

And I made the furniture into a circle,

which is a square without it's arms and legs.

Okay, honey.

Good work... both of you.

- Ta-da! - Oh, good.

How did we do with the snacks?

Did you come up with a theme?

All I could find were Swedish fish, goldfish,

and fish sticks.

What does that have to do with the book?

She's a big female fish in a small male pond.

- Right. Of course. - [Chuckles]

So, now, if any one of the ladies

tries to steer the conversation

back toward our recent family problems,

Shannon's gonna shout something out about the book,

Jimmy will stuff their face with food,

and, if it comes to that, Jodi can... Over-share

about her... Very colorful life.

I don't know if I can do that.

It's been a really difficult week.

My ex-boyfriend just told me that he's still alive.

Well, that... that could work.

♪ ♪

All right. Here we are.

Ready for your first gay coffee shop?

I was born ready.

In this case, literally.

I'm not ready.

I mean, this is my first time in the gay part of town.

What if they judge me? Am I wearing the right outfit?

Should I have hit the gym before?

Is there a gym inside the coffee shop?

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, when the whistle go ♪

[Electronic music plays]

Um... Hello?

[Music stops]

[Music resumes]

Come on!

I know I'm hotter than a 3.14159!

Huh.

One medium soy latte for Robert.

There you go.

This is it?

There's not even any wordplay on the menu.

Oh, I picked the wrong place, didn't I?

This is what I have always wanted...

a place where I'm not the odd man out.

No. This is perfect.

It is?

So I did good?

[Chuckles] Yeah. You did great.

I mean, seriously, no "chai me a river"?

- It's right there! - Shh-shh, shh-shh, shh-shh.

Mrs. Worthman, more fish?

Jimmy: You know, isn't it funny

how the two that aren't fish

look more like fish

than the one that actually is fish?

Eileen, I think I speak for the group when I say,

it is incredibly brave of you to have us here today.

Oh, Marcia.

Mom, remember how you were telling me

your favorite chapter in "Hard Choices"

was about Hillary's disagreement with the Saudi foreign minister

over arming moderate elements of the Syrian opposition?

Well, Shannon,

I think that's a very simplistic way of putting it.

But we should discuss it.

I thought your favorite chapter would be "A Fresh Start,"

you know, considering a fresh start

might be something you want.

Right.

Speaking of fresh starts,

I'm considering filing for bankruptcy.

What was your feeling about the book overall, Eileen?

You know, I just...

Just all those hard choices.

I kept thinking there might be some easy ones,

but, no, they were all hard.

A choice comes along,

and you think, "well, this one's gonna be a snap."

But, no, you know?

So... It's another toughie.

We've been through 14 books together.

You don't have to pretend for us.

Oh.

I started a wildfire in a national park!

Jodi, I've got this. Fine.

I can see we're not gonna be able to move on

until you've heard it from me,

so, yes, my son is gay

and I'm getting a divorce

and my husband lives in the basement.

And, yes, I have been avoiding you all at the grocery store,

which is why there's paper towels in the bathroom

instead of toilet paper.

Perfect Eileen is flawed.

And my life is in chaos.

Which is why I have not read this book.

Hmm.

I didn't read the book.

I didn't read the book, either.

If I'm being honest, I-I've never read a book.

Wow.

I guess I'm not the only one.

We're all in the same boat, Eileen.

Thank you for making it okay to share.

Can we all please get back to the book?

You know, Marcia, I think we've

talked enough about the book.

I'd like to hear more about Fran's adult illiteracy.

I've never been around this many gay people in one place...

27, not counting the baby because we don't know yet.

Feels good to just blend in.

[Slurping]

Ahh. This place is fun, huh?

And, look, there's fathers and sons all over the place.

- Oh, no, Dad, those aren't... - Oop, now I see it.

- [Clears throat] - Um...

But those guys are playing "Settlers of Catan."

They're about my age.

I was gonna go over there

- and talk to them. - Yeah!

Do you think you... you could...

Oh, I get it.

- I get it. Cramping your style. - [Sighs]

I understand.

I'm just gonna pay for this "Tegan and Sara" CD,

and I'll be out of here, okay?

Pat O'Neal, what are you doing here?

Hey, Zack! What's up?

- Man, what's going on? - Not much.

Oh, I haven't seen you since

- you transferred, right? - Yeah.

Gosh. How's Christie?

Oh, um, maybe you haven't heard.

Uh, I came out,

so Christie is, uh, mad and, uh, divorcing me.

Well, that's a... that's a bit of a curveball, Zack,

and I'm gonna throw one right back at ya.

I'm getting a divorce, too.

Uh, and my, uh... my boy, Kenny,

recently came out, as well.

- Hey. Hi. - Hey.

So, I knew about this coffee shop.

We thought we'd swing by and check it out.

Well, this place is pretty much the heart of the gayborhood.

Hey! Now there's the wordplay this place is missing.

What else should we be doing?

Oh, lots.

We got, uh... we got gay karaoke.

We got gay yoga.

We got gay Vegas,

but you have to go to Vegas for that.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Uh, do you have anything else going on today?

Well, actually, a group of us

are going over to play gay dodgeball.

Yeah, it's probably the most fun all week.

I mean, you should join. It's all ages.

Yeah, that actually sounds amazing.

Uh...

Is it cool with you, Dad?

I don't see why not?

I can't believe it.

This is what I've always dreamed of...

hanging out in boystown

with my own group of gay friends.

Let's dodge some balls.

And my dad?

I mean, I guess, deep down, I knew that pat and my problems

couldn't be resolved after our first therapy session.

I would pay anyone anything to listen to my problems.

Only therapy I've tried is aromatherapy.

Even that felt like defeat.

Eileen, who's your therapist?

Larry and I are on the outs, too.

I'll get his card.

I'm actually a licensed therapist in Japan.

I did not see this going this way.

I thought all those women would be against me,

but now that I've opened up, they're all on my side.

It's like after Hillary lost the Iowa caucus in '08.

Then she cried,

and everyone rallied around her in New Hampshire.

You have made yourself relatable.

Whatever's happened, the women are sharing.

And Nancy spent her son's entire college fund

on draftkings... all $40 of it.

Maybe I am this kind of person

who opens up and talks about their feelings.

Maybe I can be their...

- [Fingers snap] - What's the word?

- "Friend"? - That's it!

Huh.

Hmm... Tall guy, let's go.

Yeah!

Okay, next, I take Dr. Filbert

because I owe him $3,000 in medical bills.

Hey.

Thanks again for the shorts, Dr. Filbert!

Hmm...

Oh, this is a tough one.

Is it?

Is it, Dad?

Well, on one hand, Kenny is my son.

On the other hand, I choose Doug.

- Yes! [Chuckles] - Seriously?

Oh, don't look at me like that.

It's just a game...

a game that I have to win, which I can't with you.

Love you. Mean it.

Picked last again.

The only difference

between gay dodgeball and straight dodgeball

is that I'm wearing someone else's shorts.

So, we're texting, and then he just disappears.

Apparently, that's called "ghosting."

And then he shows up, and he says to me...

he says, "I'm alive. Can I have a free haircut?"

- [Chuckles] - Eileen: Jodi, look at me.

[Fingers snap]

Ghosts... Don't... Get... Haircuts.

Block his number, you know why?

Because ain't nobody got time for that.

- [Laughter] - Eileen, you're

so emotionally intelligent!

I wish I would've come to you sooner with my problems.

Why? So you could throw a pity party two months ago?

Marcia, you know, everyone else has been sharing.

Is there anything you want to talk about?

Things are going quite well in my world. Thank you.

- Everything's fine, no problems? - Zero.

It's funny because I heard

that your sister's fast-food franchise has been struggling.

Turns out there's nothing fast about a drive-through salad bar.

But she's working through it.

You know, I think it's safe to say

this is not the book club that we signed up for.

Everyone else seems to be having a great time.

Well, I vote for it going back to being a regular book club

where the focus is on the book.

I think you're the only one

not getting something out of this,

but if you want to put it to a vote,

everyone who agrees with Marcia,

raise your hands.

Fran, come on!

I... Think I vote with Eileen.

Oh, my god.

Everyone who agrees with me?

- Yes. - [Chuckles]

Well... I've had about enough of this.

And by the way...

You are no longer

allowed to use my Barnes & Noble discount.

Hmph!

You know, I think that's the first time I've ever voted.

- What is Barnes & Noble? - [Door closes]

Well, ladies, I think this was a very successful meeting,

and we should end it on a high note.

So, we'll see each other next month.

But there's still so much to talk about.

We just scratched the surface

of Fran's relationship with her mom.

Wait, what? We're still talking?

[Singsong voice] Guess who has a case of Charles Shaw

- in her trunk! - [Car alarm chirps]

- Yes! - No. No!

- No! - No.

- [Electronic music plays] - [Whistle blows]

[Indistinct shouting]

[Grunting]

[Laughs] I dodge bullets for a living!

You're gonna have to try harder than that!

[Grunts]

Ooh, sorry, Kenny!

No, no, no, I'm fine. I'm fine.

I'm sure I can relearn how to read and write, eh?

Ow! Okay, okay!

I'm out!

- And proud! - Shut up, Zack!

[Man grunts]

This sucks.

My fun introduction to the gayborhood

has turned into my worst nightmare.

Meanwhile, my stupid dad's become the mayor of boystown.

Man: Watch out!

No!

[Grunts]

♪ Man, how that Booty shakes ♪

If only you were Asian, pat.

What?

You're back in, Kenny!

No, you're not!

Ow!

I am your son by blood!

Don't hate the player! Hate the game!

I hate both... the game and the player...

who's not even supposed to be here!

I mean, you're not even gay!

You're not gay?

Dr. Filbert: This is gay dodgeball.

You can't play if you're not gay.

But I made him, and he's gay.

Should've picked me.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

I did it. I called Larry, and I told him, it's over.

Do you have an extra bed?

I'm totally happy to bunk with you...

- if you have a pillow top. - [Scoffs]

Are those my slippers?

We have the same-size feet.

We can share shoes all the time.

[Chuckles nervously]

- Let's have a sleepover! - Yes!

I just want to get away from the diapers.

It's so much.

There's probably poop on my dress.

Would you excuse me for a moment?

You know, there's coasters there you could be using.

Thanks.

Woman: Let's open another bottle!

I cannot believe these women.

They're lying around on my couch, drinking my wine,

acting like they live here.

I know. That's my thing.

I'm surprised you're sober.

I prefer to be the only one drinking.

I don't like to see myself in other people.

Mom, this party's getting out of hand.

Someone just kissed the pope plate,

and now it's covered in lipstick and dorito dust.

By the way, your April is all booked up now.

There is a Saturday free in May,

but if Suzie finds an Airbnb in Yosemite that fits 12,

you're screwed.

Well, I can't do this.

This is why I didn't want to be vulnerable.

Vulnerability is disgusting.

Plus, it's wearing my slippers.

Oh, Marcia was right. I ruined book club!

It's okay to admit your mistakes.

Hillary admitted she was wrong about invading Iraq.

[Laughter in distance]

It's all right here.

Will someone please read the book?

- Mm. - Eileen?

Grab some matches.

We're writing down our greatest fears

and then burning them.

- [Groans] - Now, that does sound fun.

Easy, guys.

[Sighs] Zack, I'm sorry about the misunderstanding, man,

but, come on, labels shouldn't matter.

I kind of feel like

a-a straight guy on a gay team means love wins?

Don't do that.

No, look, rules are rules.

We don't even let lesbians play.

You know, maybe you should just go try your luck

over at desperate divorced dads dodgeball.

Wait, is that really a thing?

'Cause I'm seriously interested.

Can you believe that? He's kicking me out.

Yeah. Yeah, I can believe it, and he should.

Wait a minute. What...

Is this about something more than dodgeball?

You completely steamrolled all over my day.

- [Gasps] - You just invited yourself along,

and then you picked Doug over me.

Oh, but, Kenny, look at him.

- He's a god. - Mmm, I know.

He's like a more approachable Jason Derulo,

but stop trying to distract me.

Just go home, and I will meet you there.

Come on, Kenny.

Fine. If that's what you want.

It is.

This is my community!

These are my friends! They understand me!

Game on, twink!

Filbert, we are on the same team!

♪ ♪

Thanks for meeting me.

Eileen: Wow, it's really empty here.

Yeah, well...

As you know, my sister's salad-bar franchise

is doing very poorly.

Marcia: What did you want to talk about?

Well, I wanted to meet in person

so there's no evidence we had this conversation,

but...

I'm conceding my win.

I don't want those women. The book club is all yours.

Are you kidding me? I don't want them.

They're a real whiny group.

I know! Ain't nobody got time for that.

[Both laugh]

Well, we finally agree on something.

That feels weird.

[Both laugh]

Maybe we could start a new book club

where we're pleasant, but distant.

Eileen: And people's private problems stay private...

including mine.

Agreed.

But to be clear, we still hate each other, right?

Oh, of course. That's our thing.

Will you buy something from my

sister's salad-bar franchise?

Sure.

Will you add avocado?

If I must.

Maybe toss a protein on there.

Pump the brakes, Marcia.

[Engine starts]

[Sighs]

- Dad, do you have a second? - Sure.

- How was the game? - Uh, actually,

Dr. Filbert got a nose bleed that wouldn't stop,

so we had to call the game early.

Oh, buddy, I'm so sorry I stole your thunder today.

That's okay.

I don't think that's the group of gays

I was looking for.

Actually, it turns out, Saturday is gay NASCAR.

Oh, I love NAS...

Nope.

[Sighs]

Look, Dad, I'm sorry I outed you.

I know that you were having fun.

No, you don't need to apologize.

I'm the one that's sorry.

I mean, I... Just got so caught up

in trying to help you find your community

that I didn't even realize I needed one, too.

Well, you did help me.

And I wouldn't have gone in the coffee house

if it wasn't for you, so thanks.

[Sighs]

I will say, I kind of ruled the gayborhood.

- Yeah. [Chuckles] - Right?

By the way, as it turns out, "Salmon Fishing in the Yemen"...

not about fishing.

About Madonna taking over Argentina.

[Mid-tempo music plays]

You know, you have the DVDs in the wrong cases, Dad.

- Ah. - Yeah,

"Salmon Fishing in the Yemen"

- is not a musical. - I got it, I got it.

All right, Dad, here we are.

Uh, just great.

They all got cool shoes on.

Hey, buddy, we'll get you new shoes

when you wear these ones out.

I don't know about this.

Oh, these guys look like

they all know each other already.

Well, you want us to go in with you?

No, it's fine.

It's single-dad dodgeball,

not kids-of-divorce dodgeball.

Wait, does that exist?

- Go get 'em, champ! - Remember

to stand up straight, tiger!

Shh! I told you not to talk to me in front of the other dads!

Synced and corrected by VitoSilans - www.Addic7ed.com -