All language subtitles for The Real ONeals - 01x08

Kenny: Coming out at
a Catholic High school

was pretty scary,

but my school wanted
me to feel more at home,

so they put together a
gay straight alliance,

which is, honestly, kind of great

because I've been
wanting to find a place

where I can hang out with
other kids like me.

- He's here!
- He's queer!

Get used to it!

- I was supposed to say that.
- [Scoffs]

Is this... is this
all... this is all of us?

Am I the only "G" in the GSA?

So far. Tell us everything.

When you're hooking
up, what's second base?

'Cause for us, it's boobs.

What's the gay version of boobs?

Um, excuse me... For a second.

I think I forgot my gay wallet.

I told you they had those!

How did you know that?

My mom says I have gay intuition.

Oh, my god!

[Sighs]

While I've been trying
to find people like me...

Ever since her divorce news broke,

my mom's been trying to
avoid people like her.

Eileen!

I heard about you and pat...

Sorry, Nancy. Ice
cream, can't talk. Bye!

[Gasps] Eileen!

- How are you?
- Sorry, Suzie.

Paper towels, can't talk. Bye!

[Gasps]

- Eileen?
- Hey, Marcia.

Can't talk. Bye!

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Can we please stop
shopping at the German market?

I mean, what is this stuff?

It's bundnerfleisch.

It's air-dried meat cured with

white wine and seasonings.

Nope.

I'm getting all meat and no

- wine off this thing.
- Ugh.

When are you going back to
the regular grocery store?

When those gossiping hens

stop staking me out in the parking lot.

Oh, I would so love a
rotisserie hen right now.

- Mmm.
- Hey!

Hi.

Hi.

Hello.

I'm here.

- Yes, we see that.
- Shannon: Oh, no.

Aunt Jodi's having another
one of her Ambien blackouts.

- Hmm.
- Jodi, you're awake!

- You're awake!
- Jimmy: Aunt Jodi!

- Aye-yai-yai-yai-yai!
- You're awake!

- You're awake!
- No. I'm here for book club.

Oh, my gosh. That's today?

Um, no. No, we have to cancel.

I can't face those women.

It's too late. They'll
be here in 30 minutes.

I can't be ready by then!

I won't even be done chewing by then.

I-it takes 8 to 10 days

to get ready for a book-club meeting.

I have to clean the
house, find all the right snacks...

cold apps, hot apps, palate cleansers...

all wrapped up in a
clever literary theme.

Oh, well, maybe today's
theme could be "Panic and Shame."

I have been avoiding these women,

trying not to talk about my problems,

but now these women are
coming into my home.

How am I gonna not
talk about my problems

when my problem's sitting right here?

Well, if you'd like, we could...

Yes, please. Don't be here.

I was gonna say, "Help
Clean Up," but message received.

You know, it's her
subtlety that I appreciate.

- Can we leave, too?
- No!

You and Shannon have to stay

here and help me with book club.

Of all times not to be
gay or divorcing you.

Hey, Dad, so, I was thinking,

since we have the day... I am so sorry.

Are you alphabetizing three DVDs?

[Sighs] Yeah, okay. So, I've got
"Evita," "Black Hawk Down,"

and "Salmon Fishing in the Yemen,"

but I can't decide if I want them

in ascending or descending order.

Actually, "Evita's" mine, but keep it.

I've got the Blu-Ray.

So, you know how,

whenever Mom wants us out of the house,

we always go to
Clifford's and we watch NASCAR?

Yeah. You want to go early?

[Chuckles]

Actually, uh, I was thinking

maybe we don't watch NASCAR, like, ever,

and by "we," I mean the human race.

Oh, I get it. I see what's happening.

Now that you're out,

you don't want to do any of the things

that you pretended to like before.

Uh-huh, like I stopped
flossing post-divorce.

Sure, except mine is a
reasonable... Decision.

Anyway, uh, it's just that lately,

I've been feeling like everywhere I go,

I am the only gay person.

Hmm. We can go to
Albert's and watch monster trucks.

Yeah, no, you are driving the
wrong way down the street.

Oh, I got it.

There's a coffee shop that I pass

sometimes when I'm on patrol,

and it's not advertised as such,

but I think they may be
known in some underground circles

as a gay coffee shop.

Do you mean the rainbow grind?

- That's the one.
- That is, like, the gay coffee shop!

I've been wanting to
go there for a while.

You'd... Really take me?

Of course I would.

Now, should I
change, or should we match?

Nah, maybe we shouldn't
match, but it'd be fun to match.

I kind of love what I'm wearing, though.

Dad, have you never hung
out with me before?

[Sighs] I'm sorry, son.

I'm just super excited

that a straight dad and
a gay son can still bond...

not that I was worried
before because I was excited,

but now I'm excited even more.

We should go.

[Sighs]

Now, look [Sighs] this
isn't gonna be easy,

but the goal is to get through today

without having to dredge up

a lot of our personal family business.

I don't know, Mom.

T-these women are your friends.

These women are not my friends.

They're my book club,

and I purposely chose tough,
opinionated women

who could see
through a flimsy narrative.

Maybe you'd feel better if
you talk about some of this stuff,

have a good cry.

There's no crying in book club,

not even when we read "The
Fault in Our Stars."

[Voice breaking] Don't
even get me started on Augustus.

He...

Do you see this?

Do you see how he's
being weak and vulnerable?

There is no way I'm gonna act

this way in front of those women,

especially not Marcia Worthman.

You know she's ready to pounce.

So, you'll just stick to the book.

[Sighs] Which I haven't even read.

Luckily, I've read Hillary
Clinton's "Hard Choices"

several times,

and I made a cheat sheet of provocative

questions and talking points

to help stimulate the discussion.

And I made the furniture into a circle,

which is a square without
it's arms and legs.

Okay, honey.

Good work... both of you.

- Ta-da!
- Oh, good.

How did we do with the snacks?

Did you come up with a theme?

All I could find were
Swedish fish, goldfish,

and fish sticks.

What does that have to do with the book?

She's a big female
fish in a small male pond.

- Right. Of course.
- [Chuckles]

So, now, if any one of the ladies

tries to steer the conversation

back toward our recent family problems,

Shannon's gonna shout something
out about the book,

Jimmy will stuff their face with food,

and, if it comes to
that, Jodi can... Over-share

about her... Very colorful life.

I don't know if I can do that.

It's been a really difficult week.

My ex-boyfriend just told
me that he's still alive.

Well, that... that could work.

♪ ♪

All right. Here we are.

Ready for your first gay coffee shop?

I was born ready.

In this case, literally.

I'm not ready.

I mean, this is my first
time in the gay part of town.

What if they judge me? Am
I wearing the right outfit?

Should I have hit the gym before?

Is there a gym inside the coffee shop?

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, when the whistle go ♪

[Electronic music plays]

Um... Hello?

[Music stops]

[Music resumes]

Come on!

I know I'm hotter than a 3.14159!

Huh.

One medium soy latte for Robert.

There you go.

This is it?

There's not even any
wordplay on the menu.

Oh, I picked the wrong place, didn't I?

This is what I have always wanted...

a place where I'm not the odd man out.

No. This is perfect.

It is?

So I did good?

[Chuckles] Yeah. You did great.

I mean, seriously, no "chai me a river"?

- It's right there!
- Shh-shh, shh-shh, shh-shh.

Mrs. Worthman, more fish?

Jimmy: You know, isn't it funny

how the two that aren't fish

look more like fish

than the one that actually is fish?

Eileen, I think I speak
for the group when I say,

it is incredibly brave of
you to have us here today.

Oh, Marcia.

Mom, remember how you were telling me

your favorite chapter in "Hard Choices"

was about Hillary's
disagreement with the Saudi foreign minister

over arming moderate
elements of the Syrian opposition?

Well, Shannon,

I think that's a very simplistic
way of putting it.

But we should discuss it.

I thought your favorite
chapter would be "A Fresh Start,"

you know, considering a fresh start

might be something you want.

Right.

Speaking of fresh starts,

I'm considering filing for bankruptcy.

What was your feeling
about the book overall, Eileen?

You know, I just...

Just all those hard choices.

I kept thinking there
might be some easy ones,

but, no, they were all hard.

A choice comes along,

and you think, "well, this
one's gonna be a snap."

But, no, you know?

So... It's another toughie.

We've been through 14 books together.

You don't have to pretend for us.

Oh.

I started a wildfire in a national park!

Jodi, I've got this. Fine.

I can see we're not gonna
be able to move on

until you've heard it from me,

so, yes, my son is gay

and I'm getting a divorce

and my husband lives in the basement.

And, yes, I have been
avoiding you all at the grocery store,

which is why there's paper
towels in the bathroom

instead of toilet paper.

Perfect Eileen is flawed.

And my life is in chaos.

Which is why I have not read this book.

Hmm.

I didn't read the book.

I didn't read the book, either.

If I'm being honest, I-I've
never read a book.

Wow.

I guess I'm not the only one.

We're all in the same boat, Eileen.

Thank you for making it okay to share.

Can we all please get back to the book?

You know, Marcia, I think we've

talked enough about the book.

I'd like to hear more
about Fran's adult illiteracy.

I've never been around this
many gay people in one place...

27, not counting the baby
because we don't know yet.

Feels good to just blend in.

[Slurping]

Ahh. This place is fun, huh?

And, look, there's fathers
and sons all over the place.

- Oh, no, Dad, those aren't...
- Oop, now I see it.

- [Clears throat]
- Um...

But those guys are
playing "Settlers of Catan."

They're about my age.

I was gonna go over there

- and talk to them.
- Yeah!

Do you think you... you could...

Oh, I get it.

- I get it. Cramping your style.
- [Sighs]

I understand.

I'm just gonna pay for this
"Tegan and Sara" CD,

and I'll be out of here, okay?

Pat O'Neal, what are you doing here?

Hey, Zack! What's up?

- Man, what's going on?
- Not much.

Oh, I haven't seen you since

- you transferred, right?
- Yeah.

Gosh. How's Christie?

Oh, um, maybe you haven't heard.

Uh, I came out,

so Christie is, uh,
mad and, uh, divorcing me.

Well, that's a... that's
a bit of a curveball, Zack,

and I'm gonna throw
one right back at ya.

I'm getting a divorce, too.

Uh, and my, uh... my boy, Kenny,

recently came out, as well.

- Hey. Hi.
- Hey.

So, I knew about this coffee shop.

We thought we'd swing
by and check it out.

Well, this place is pretty
much the heart of the gayborhood.

Hey! Now there's the
wordplay this place is missing.

What else should we be doing?

Oh, lots.

We got, uh... we got gay karaoke.

We got gay yoga.

We got gay Vegas,

but you have to go to Vegas for that.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Uh, do you have anything
else going on today?

Well, actually, a group of us

are going over to play gay dodgeball.

Yeah, it's probably the
most fun all week.

I mean, you should join. It's all ages.

Yeah, that actually sounds amazing.

Uh...

Is it cool with you, Dad?

I don't see why not?

I can't believe it.

This is what I've always dreamed of...

hanging out in boystown

with my own group of gay friends.

Let's dodge some balls.

And my dad?

I mean, I guess, deep down, I
knew that pat and my problems

couldn't be resolved after
our first therapy session.

I would pay anyone
anything to listen to my problems.

Only therapy I've tried is aromatherapy.

Even that felt like defeat.

Eileen, who's your therapist?

Larry and I are on the outs, too.

I'll get his card.

I'm actually a licensed
therapist in Japan.

I did not see this going this way.

I thought all those
women would be against me,

but now that I've opened
up, they're all on my side.

It's like after Hillary lost
the Iowa caucus in '08.

Then she cried,

and everyone rallied
around her in New Hampshire.

You have made yourself relatable.

Whatever's happened,
the women are sharing.

And Nancy spent her
son's entire college fund

on draftkings... all $40 of it.

Maybe I am this kind of person

who opens up and talks
about their feelings.

Maybe I can be their...

- [Fingers snap]
- What's the word?

- "Friend"?
- That's it!

Huh.

Hmm... Tall guy, let's go.

Yeah!

Okay, next, I take Dr. Filbert

because I owe him $3,000
in medical bills.

Hey.

Thanks again for the
shorts, Dr. Filbert!

Hmm...

Oh, this is a tough one.

Is it?

Is it, Dad?

Well, on one hand, Kenny is my son.

On the other hand, I choose Doug.

- Yes! [Chuckles]
- Seriously?

Oh, don't look at me like that.

It's just a game...

a game that I have to
win, which I can't with you.

Love you. Mean it.

Picked last again.

The only difference

between gay dodgeball
and straight dodgeball

is that I'm wearing someone
else's shorts.

So, we're texting, and
then he just disappears.

Apparently, that's called "ghosting."

And then he shows
up, and he says to me...

he says, "I'm alive. Can
I have a free haircut?"

- [Chuckles]
- Eileen: Jodi, look at me.

[Fingers snap]

Ghosts... Don't... Get... Haircuts.

Block his number, you know why?

Because ain't nobody got time for that.

- [Laughter]
- Eileen, you're

so emotionally intelligent!

I wish I would've come to
you sooner with my problems.

Why? So you could throw a
pity party two months ago?

Marcia, you know, everyone
else has been sharing.

Is there anything you
want to talk about?

Things are going quite
well in my world. Thank you.

- Everything's fine, no problems?
- Zero.

It's funny because I heard

that your sister's fast-food
franchise has been struggling.

Turns out there's nothing fast
about a drive-through salad bar.

But she's working through it.

You know, I think it's safe to say

this is not the book
club that we signed up for.

Everyone else seems to
be having a great time.

Well, I vote for it going
back to being a regular book club

where the focus is on the book.

I think you're the only one

not getting something out of this,

but if you want to put it to a vote,

everyone who agrees with Marcia,

raise your hands.

Fran, come on!

I... Think I vote with Eileen.

Oh, my god.

Everyone who agrees with me?

- Yes.
- [Chuckles]

Well... I've had about enough of this.

And by the way...

You are no longer

allowed to use my
Barnes & Noble discount.

Hmph!

You know, I think that's
the first time I've ever voted.

- What is Barnes & Noble?
- [Door closes]

Well, ladies, I think this
was a very successful meeting,

and we should end it on a high note.

So, we'll see each other next month.

But there's still so much to talk about.

We just scratched the surface

of Fran's relationship with her mom.

Wait, what? We're still talking?

[Singsong voice] Guess who
has a case of Charles Shaw

- in her trunk!
- [Car alarm chirps]

- Yes!
- No. No!

- No!
- No.

- [Electronic music plays]
- [Whistle blows]

[Indistinct shouting]

[Grunting]

[Laughs] I dodge bullets for a living!

You're gonna have to
try harder than that!

[Grunts]

Ooh, sorry, Kenny!

No, no, no, I'm fine. I'm fine.

I'm sure I can relearn how
to read and write, eh?

Ow! Okay, okay!

I'm out!

- And proud!
- Shut up, Zack!

[Man grunts]

This sucks.

My fun introduction to the gayborhood

has turned into my worst nightmare.

Meanwhile, my stupid dad's become
the mayor of boystown.

Man: Watch out!

No!

[Grunts]

♪ Man, how that Booty shakes ♪

If only you were Asian, pat.

What?

You're back in, Kenny!

No, you're not!

Ow!

I am your son by blood!

Don't hate the player! Hate the game!

I hate both... the
game and the player...

who's not even supposed to be here!

I mean, you're not even gay!

You're not gay?

Dr. Filbert: This is gay dodgeball.

You can't play if you're not gay.

But I made him, and he's gay.

Should've picked me.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

I did it. I called Larry,
and I told him, it's over.

Do you have an extra bed?

I'm totally happy to bunk with you...

- if you have a pillow top.
- [Scoffs]

Are those my slippers?

We have the same-size feet.

We can share shoes all the time.

[Chuckles nervously]

- Let's have a sleepover!
- Yes!

I just want to get
away from the diapers.

It's so much.

There's probably poop on my dress.

Would you excuse me for a moment?

You know, there's coasters
there you could be using.

Thanks.

Woman: Let's open another bottle!

I cannot believe these women.

They're lying around on
my couch, drinking my wine,

acting like they live here.

I know. That's my thing.

I'm surprised you're sober.

I prefer to be the only one drinking.

I don't like to see
myself in other people.

Mom, this party's getting out of hand.

Someone just kissed the pope plate,

and now it's covered in
lipstick and dorito dust.

By the way, your
April is all booked up now.

There is a Saturday free in May,

but if Suzie finds an
Airbnb in Yosemite that fits 12,

you're screwed.

Well, I can't do this.

This is why I didn't
want to be vulnerable.

Vulnerability is disgusting.

Plus, it's wearing my slippers.

Oh, Marcia was
right. I ruined book club!

It's okay to admit your mistakes.

Hillary admitted she was
wrong about invading Iraq.

[Laughter in distance]

It's all right here.

Will someone please read the book?

- Mm.
- Eileen?

Grab some matches.

We're writing down our greatest fears

and then burning them.

- [Groans]
- Now, that does sound fun.

Easy, guys.

[Sighs] Zack, I'm sorry
about the misunderstanding, man,

but, come on, labels shouldn't matter.

I kind of feel like

a-a straight guy on a
gay team means love wins?

Don't do that.

No, look, rules are rules.

We don't even let lesbians play.

You know, maybe you
should just go try your luck

over at desperate
divorced dads dodgeball.

Wait, is that really a thing?

'Cause I'm seriously interested.

Can you believe
that? He's kicking me out.

Yeah. Yeah, I can
believe it, and he should.

Wait a minute. What...

Is this about
something more than dodgeball?

You completely
steamrolled all over my day.

- [Gasps]
- You just invited yourself along,

and then you picked Doug over me.

Oh, but, Kenny, look at him.

- He's a god.
- Mmm, I know.

He's like a more
approachable Jason Derulo,

but stop trying to distract me.

Just go home, and I will meet you there.

Come on, Kenny.

Fine. If that's what you want.

It is.

This is my community!

These are my
friends! They understand me!

Game on, twink!

Filbert, we are on the same team!

♪ ♪

Thanks for meeting me.

Eileen: Wow, it's really empty here.

Yeah, well...

As you know, my sister's
salad-bar franchise

is doing very poorly.

Marcia: What did you want to talk about?

Well, I wanted to meet in person

so there's no evidence we
had this conversation,

but...

I'm conceding my win.

I don't want those women.
The book club is all yours.

Are you kidding me? I don't want them.

They're a real whiny group.

I know! Ain't nobody got time for that.

[Both laugh]

Well, we finally agree on something.

That feels weird.

[Both laugh]

Maybe we could start a new book club

where we're pleasant, but distant.

Eileen: And people's private
problems stay private...

including mine.

Agreed.

But to be clear, we still
hate each other, right?

Oh, of course. That's our thing.

Will you buy something from my

sister's salad-bar franchise?

Sure.

Will you add avocado?

If I must.

Maybe toss a protein on there.

Pump the brakes, Marcia.

[Engine starts]

[Sighs]

- Dad, do you have a second?
- Sure.

- How was the game?
- Uh, actually,

Dr. Filbert got a nose
bleed that wouldn't stop,

so we had to call the game early.

Oh, buddy, I'm so sorry I
stole your thunder today.

That's okay.

I don't think that's the group of gays

I was looking for.

Actually, it turns
out, Saturday is gay NASCAR.

Oh, I love NAS...

Nope.

[Sighs]

Look, Dad, I'm sorry I outed you.

I know that you were having fun.

No, you don't need to apologize.

I'm the one that's sorry.

I mean, I... Just got so caught up

in trying to help
you find your community

that I didn't even
realize I needed one, too.

Well, you did help me.

And I wouldn't have
gone in the coffee house

if it wasn't for you, so thanks.

[Sighs]

I will say, I kind of
ruled the gayborhood.

- Yeah. [Chuckles]
- Right?

By the way, as it turns out,
"Salmon Fishing in the Yemen"...

not about fishing.

About Madonna taking over Argentina.

[Mid-tempo music plays]

You know, you have the
DVDs in the wrong cases, Dad.

- Ah.
- Yeah,

"Salmon Fishing in the Yemen"

- is not a musical.
- I got it, I got it.

All right, Dad, here we are.

Uh, just great.

They all got cool shoes on.

Hey, buddy, we'll get you new shoes

when you wear these ones out.

I don't know about this.

Oh, these guys look like

they all know each other already.

Well, you want us to go in with you?

No, it's fine.

It's single-dad dodgeball,

not kids-of-divorce dodgeball.

Wait, does that exist?

- Go get 'em, champ!
- Remember

to stand up straight, tiger!

Shh! I told you not to talk
to me in front of the other dads!

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