Original subtitles

Now for our first caller.

You're on the air, sir.

I want to complain about that new factory

they've put up over on Central Avenue.

Now, that's an ugly building and an eyesore,

and among other things,

it's going to create parking problems and traffic jams,

and for crying out loud,

haven't we got enough smog already?

Oh! Did you hear that?

Oh, yeah, yeah... and now for some music.

Oh, Lamont, don't you care

about what's happening in your community?

Of course I care what's happening in the community,

more specifically, the block,

narrowing it down, this house,

pinpointing it, this sofa,

and hitting it on the head, this cushion.

Lamont, that factory

is right here in this neighborhood.

As a matter of fact,

it's right down the street

on this very block.

Yeah, I know all about that factory, Denise,

and that's terrific and everything, but see, like,

there's a time and a place for everything,

and this is the time and the place.

Oh, Lamont,

you're a shallow, uninvolved person.

I am not.

Look, if I wanted to, I could call that station

and tell them a few things, if I wanted to.

Well, so, go right ahead,

go on, tell them right now.

Oh, there's no way in the world

you're going to get me to call up that radio station

and talk to them people and make a fool of myself.

Lamont...

Ain't no way you're going to get me to do that.

I would only give myself totally

to a man that gets involved, really involved.

What's the number of that station?

555-3211.

You want involvement?

I'll give you involvement...

Some involvement.

Hello, is this the "Talk Back Show"?

Well, this is "Involved" Sanford calling.

Am I on the air?

Good.

Well, I just want to say, I want to make a comment

about that guy that called about the factory.

Now, that factory might be an ugly building

and an eyesore and everything,

but it takes millions of people

off unemployment and welfare and gives them steady jobs.

In fact...

I would do all that I could

to encourage more trade in the area...

To make jobs available for people who want to work,

and give them steady employment and pride and dignity

so they can hold their heads up high.

It's one thing to have trouble breathing,

and it's another thing to have trouble eating!

That's all I want to say. Thank you very much.

Come here!

Hi, son.

Hey, Pop, what are you doing here?

I thought you and Grady went to the drive-in movie.

We did, son, but see, after the movie

they were going to raffle off a turkey.

So?

So a lady left early and backed over him.

Yeah, it was terrible.

They even took him to the vet, but it was too late.

The poor thing was DOA.

That's Drumstick on Arrival.

Hey, it's getting pretty late, you know?

You haven't introduced us to your lady friend.

Denise, this is my father, Fred Sanford,

and his friend Grady.

How do you do?

Hi. Hello, Dolly.

Yeah, it is getting late, though.

Fred, I'll see you.

Lamont, take it...

Oh, and it's nice meeting you, Dennis.

Denise.

Yeah, Denise.

Denise the Menise.

Hey, listen, man...

Denise, can I get you something?

Oh, no, thank you.

Well, would you excuse us for a minute?

Sure.

Can I see you in the kitchen, father?

Excuse us.

I just want to have a little involvement with my dad.

Hey, man, what's the matter with you?

Listen, son, I know everything that's going on here,

and that's your business.

I was hoping you'd understand.

I mean, if you want to stay down here, with that girl,

that's your business. Thank you.

If you want to be hugging and kissing her all night,

that's your business. I appreciate it.

But when she smacks your face and the police come here

and arrest me for harboring a sex maniac,

then that's my business,

so you get her the hell out of here!

Hey, man, I'm not...

Would you knock off the whistling?

It's bothering me.

Will you stop it?

I can't, son.

It's the theme song from the movie I saw last night.

See, it was a science fiction western.

It was called Blazing Werewolves.

See, it's all about this werewolf

that hid his six-shooter up under a wide flea collar.

Come in.

Hey, Mr. Sanford.

Hey, Lamont.

Listen, I've only got a second.

Yeah, your time is up.

Would you dig yourself, Pop?

Listen, as Confucius once said,

"If you don't want an order of knuckles in your face,

then get your poking noodles out of my place."

Hey, man, ignore him.

Ignore who?

Listen, man, I've got to tell you,

I listened to you last night, and it sounded fantastic.

I thought I told you to get that girl out of here.

That's not what he's talking about, Pop.

See, I called up the "Talk Back Show"

and I said a few things, that's all.

That's all?

Listen, I'm telling you, it was terrific, man.

The whole neighborhood is talking about it.

What did you say?

Well, I just, you know...

Oh, he was, like, angry.

He talked about old people and unemployment

and ugly buildings...

Listen, son, if you don't like it here,

why didn't you tell me?

I just wish everybody would leave me alone, man.

I've got some work to do around here.

I'll get this, son. Don't worry about it.

I'll make them leave you alone. Don't you worry about a thing.

You're Lamont Sanford...

Yes, I am. Who are you?

And you're perfect, absolutely perfect!

Hey, wait a minute. I know you.

I saw you on television at the last election.

You were on the mayor's platform.

Correct.

Will you hold this for me, please?

James Montgomery Cambridge, mover of men,

past holder of public office, servant to the people.

And who are you?

Fred G. Sanford, mover of junk,

present holder of this stinking cigar,

and servant to this dummy.

Say, why don't you have a seat there, Mr. Cambridge?

All right, thank you.

Say, you're the District Committee Chairman, aren't you?

Correct, and we've learned

that the radio station reported public opinion to your call

at 90% positive, and all morning long,

my office has been having phone calls, telegrams.

It's incredible.

Well, that's nice and everything, but, you know...

"Nice"?

What do you think of that, Mr. Sanford, huh?

Hold this.

Now, shove it up your nose.

Lamont, I'll get to the point.

You are the perfect candidate to run for the office

of State Assemblyman in this district.

Assemblyman? Me?

Hey, man, I didn't even graduate from high school.

Oh, Lamont, that doesn't matter.

You're down to earth, young...

You're a breath of fresh air.

Maybe you should run for deodorant.

Look, I appreciate

all the nice flowery speeches you're making, Mr. Cambridge,

but I'm just not interested.

Now, Lamont, I beg you to reconsider.

Your state is calling you.

No, man, definitely not.

Well, all right, I guess

I'll just have to cancel your fund-raising dinner.

Uh, fund-raising? Fund-raising...

Listen, son, your state is calling you.

Now, hurry up and answer before they hang up.

Lamont, by the way, just in passing,

an assemblyman does earn about 20,000 a year.

My son, serving his country with honesty and youth,

serving his voters with integrity and pride,

and serving his father

with a new truck and a color TV.

Come right in. Welcome to the black caucus.

Hey, everybody.

Say, Lamont, you mind signing these postcards?

I promised the fellows down at the barber shop

that I'd get your autograph.

Do you hear that, Lamont?

Why, every one of those autographs

represents a vote.

And a dime.

You're charging a dime for Lamont's autograph?

No, Fred.

That's what they offered. The dime was their idea.

Why, that's magnificent.

I wanted a dollar.

Say, look, wait a minute.

Now, this whole thing is getting all out of hand,

me being assemblyman and signing autographs...

You're running for the assembly?

Hey, that's terrific, Lamont. You can make a fortune.

You can make a fortune,

plus you get $20,000-a-year salary.

Hey, Pop, would you stop it? Now, just stop it.

Mr. Cambridge, the point is,

I'm just not qualified for the job.

Qualified? What do you mean, qualified?

The man is talking about politics, not brain surgery.

Through one of my connections

at the Department of Motor Vehicles,

I took the liberty

of having your driver's license photo

put onto this poster.

Hey, Lamont, look at that.

It's just a picture.

Lamont, if you decide to run, we'll put them up all over.

Why, every person in this district

will have your face embedded in their memory.

Well, it is a nice likeness...

A very good likeness.

Now, why don't you reconsider it, huh?

Come on.

Yeah, come on, Lamont. Yeah, son.

It's good for this district.

All right, I'll do it.

So you have decided to answer the call, huh, son?

Yeah.

Mr. Cambridge, my son is going to take the call.

Would you kindly deposit $20,000, please?

Hey, son, it sure is good to have you home.

You haven't been home for dinner in weeks.

Mm-hmm.

Sure has been lonesome around here.

Yeah.

You know, I fixed your favorite dinner tonight, to celebrate.

I got steak, and onion rings, and French fried potatoes.

You love all that.

Yeah, the French fries, and the...

I got pig feet and chicken eyes.

I've got the favorite stuff you like here...

Peach cobbler and grits,

and Grady's knees and bended fleas.

Here you are, son, right there.

Gee, you finished already, huh?

I guess you were so busy writing,

you didn't realize that you had two helpings.

Oh, I'm sorry, Pop.

Listen, when we move to Sacramento,

I'm going to get you a cook to make it easier on you.

Move? Move where, move?

Well, if I become an assemblyman,

we'll have to move to Sacramento, Pop,

because the state legislature is in the capital.

Move?

I ain't moving nowhere. I like it here.

Then you can fly up and see me every now and then.

Fly up? You mean, you'd leave me here?

Fly up?

You'd like to fly up? I'll fly you up.

I'll fly you up on knuckle airline...

And I'll fly you up, fist class.

Oh, wow, look at the time. I've got to get out of here.

You mean you're going somewhere again?

Listen, son, you don't never stay home like you used to.

Why don't you stay home sometimes

so we can talk like we used to

and sit on the couch and watch television and stuff?

We could stay home tonight

and watch a good horror or something...

There's a monster picture on tonight, your favorite.

It's called

Teenage Frankenstein Meets the Acne Doctor.

Hey, Pop, look, man,

I got that debate tonight on television

with Harriet Radner.

How could you forget that?

Well, if you can forget your father,

I can forget a television debate.

Oh, man, hey, look, I'm sorry.

Look, I know we haven't been spending any time together,

but look, I promise you, Pop, as soon as all of this is over,

we'll spend a lot of time together, okay?

Hey, I got a good idea.

Why don't you come to the station and watch me?

No, that's all right. You go ahead.

I'll just stay home and I'll wait

in case somebody calls, you know, taking a poll

to find out who's the lonesomest old man in town.

Well, I gotta be running off, Pop.

Take care, now.

I ain't going nowhere. Move to Sacramento...

Come on in.

Hey, Fred.

Hey, Grady.

Hey, listen, Fred...

Grady, I don't know what to do.

I'm gonna miss Lamont so much.

Yeah, but listen, Fred...

When he moves up to Sacramento,

I'll be in this house all by myself.

Yeah, but listen, Fred.

I feel so low... Listen, Fred...

And despondent. Fred!

I mean, geez, I'm just depressed.

Well, listen, Fred,

the swinging Sandler sisters are on their way over here.

I ain't never felt this good. What?

The Sandler sisters are coming over here?

Yeah.

When they coming over? Well, any minute now.

Well, let's get together, get some party stuff together.

Well, I got the party stuff.

I went out and got some potato chips,

and a bag of pretzels,

and a whole bottle of Silver Satin,

and I even got us some cigars

so that we can offer the ladies our Tipparillos.

What we'll do,

we'll sit down and pour us a little drink

so when they get here we'll be looking cool.

Yeah, and suavé.

Yeah. Yeah, and swave.

There they are. Our little pigeons.

Right on time.

Two little pretty pigeons. Come in...

Come in, pretty pigeons.

Welcome.

Hey, Grady, it must be magic.

Our two pretty pigeons turned into an ugly buzzard.

Just as I thought... Drinking, smoking,

and wallowing in a snake-pit of evil.

Listen, cobra-face, what are you doing here, anyway?

That's all right. Don't tell me. I know.

You came here to tell me and Grady

that you came in first at the King Kong look-alike contest.

Fred Sanford, I am here in my official capacity

to tell you that Lamont has made me

Chairman of his Committee...

On Morality and Virtue.

Hey! Shut up, Grady.

Your son, as a politician, cannot afford to associate

with an evil-doing father and his heathenish friends,

so from now on, in this house,

there will be no more drinking and no smoking.

Praise the Lord.

And pass the ammunition.

You go ahead on and break that, honey.

Because you won't be needing that no more,

because I just saw the Sandler sisters

and sent them away.

No, you didn't. You did what?

You heard me... Oh, no.

Now, hear this... Repent.

Listen to the Lord.

Let me put some salvation in your ear.

You're right, Esther. I've been wrong.

I've listened to you, and I'm gonna make a deal with you.

It's about time.

I'm gonna let you put some salvation in my ear...

and I'm gonna put some lead in yours.

And federally funded, low-cost housing

deteriorates in a few years,

and we have yet another ghetto.

Thank you, thank you.

In reply to my honorable and distinguished opponent...

All I will say about the housing problem

- is that it is a problem... - Wow.

But I assure you that myself and my staff

will look into the subject

with all the diligence at our command.

Thank you.

Now that the two candidates have had a chance

to meet each other face to face,

we'll take a one-minute break

and then come back for the debate.

Hey, Fred, Lamont's doing great.

He's gonna win by a landslide.

Yeah, and I'll be under it.

Lamont don't care about me no more.

Aw, come on, Fred.

I mean, he moves to Sacramento,

and leave me in that house all by myself.

Aw, don't say that.

I'm gonna leave. No, don't.

Sir, sir, excuse me, sir. I couldn't help overhearing.

Did you have something to say?

Something to say? What, something to say?

Well, yes, sir, you were standing here

and I, well, I thought you might have a question

or something to say to one of the candidates.

You see, we're newsmen

and we'd like to hear something that's newsworthy.

Oh, you're newsmen. That's right.

Yeah, I got something to say to the candidate.

I got something to say

to this honorable and distinguished dummy, here.

You go right ahead, sir.

Lamont Sandford, that's him.

Yes, sir.

Son, come on home, will you?

If you come on home, I swear

I'll stop drinking and give up smoking

and won't fool around with those nice girls...

And if you want to have a girl downstairs on the couch

every night, I don't care.

That's you,

because you're younger than I am.

Hey, come on back, son. I'm not kidding you.

Just be careful when you're down there

and don't make me no grandfather before my time.

I know I asked you to be an assemblyman for the money,

but I don't want you to be an assemblyman for the money.

Come home. You make a better junk man.

Sir, are you related to Mr. Sanford?

Damn right I'm related to him.

I'm his long-lost father.

I see.

Come on home, son.

Sir, sir, excuse me,

you do realize that we're on television?

I didn't... Huh?

We're on television, sir.

We on television, now?

Yes, sir, that camera right there.

Everything we said was on television?

Yes, sir, everything.

And it's live now? Right there, sir.

Y'all excuse me for a minute. Yes, sir.

Can you back up a little bit? Yes, sir.

♪ If I didn't care More than words can say ♪

♪ If I didn't care Would I feel this way? ♪

♪ And now... ♪♪

Where you going?

Somewhere, anywhere, it don't make no difference.

You don't care.

Aw, come on, Pop.

That's right, you don't care.

You're moving to Sacramento,

and there ain't nothing here for me.

I might as well just walk outside that door

and fade on into the sunset.

Pop, the sun went down six hours ago.

You don't care. Look, I do care, man.

I've withdrawn my candidacy. I've quit.

Yeah, you quit because I embarrassed you.

Yes, you embarrassed me, but, look,

I finally realized that I wasn't qualified, man.

What the people need is somebody

that knows what's going on in the community,

and that person is Harriet Radner.

I think she'll make a fine Assemblywoman...

And it's not your fault.

It is my fault, too. It's all my fault.

I feel like just walking down the street,

and just alone, contemplating where I failed you.

Aw, come on...

I think I'll stop by sanctified city

and pour my soul out to Reverend Spike.

Well, if you think it will make you feel better...

It'll make me feel better, son.

Hey, Fred, will you please come on?

Our pretty little pigeons

are waiting out here in the truck.

Uh, it will really

make me feel better, son...

Really.