Original subtitles

♪ I'm gonna sit right down And write myself a letter... ♪

♪ Zoom ♪

♪ And put a little check inside For me ♪

♪ La da da doo Da dat-n da da da da da ♪

♪ Da da dah da-da-da-da ♪

♪ Da dat da da dee dah ♪

♪ Doo da dat da da da ♪♪

Happy, happy, happy.

Today's the day

we get our social security check, isn't it?

You got that right.

And it's the only day of the month

that the We become I.

Well, look here.

Why don't you take some of that money

on buy yourself some singing lessons?

Ha ha ha!

And some Lavoris.

You'll not anger me.

Today is the day that I gets $255.40.

Good old Uncle Sam.

Good old Uncle Sam? What are you talking about?

That's not his money he's bringing me,

that's my own money that he's been holding for me.

That's money that I worked for for 40 years of my life...

Yeah, yeah, right.

All those years putting it in

in one big lump

and getting it back in dribs and drabs.

Dribs and drabs?

That's right. 255 dribs and 40 drabs.

Yeah, well, enough about the check for now.

What did you fix me for breakfast?

Oh, flapjack.

Oh, flapjacks?

No, not flapjacks. Flapjack. Jack.

When there's one, it's "jack."

And when there's more than one, it's "jackes."

You mean to tell me all you fixed me

was one little flapjack for breakfast?

No, I fixed you one huge flapjack.

Now, get ready. Here it comes.

Uh, Lamont, uh,

did you ever see one of those movies

where the people

eat in those fancy French restaurants

right out of the frying pan?

Well, uh, bony appetiti.

Hold it. I'll get it. I'll get it.

Hold on. I am coming, check.

All right, who is it?

It's the postman!

There!

Well... welcome, welcome, welcome.

Good morning.

Good morning. Now, where is it?

Where is what?

My check.

Oh, all right. Here you go.

You know, I can't wait

till I get to be an old man like you.

Oh yeah? Well, goodbye, youngster.

Did you finish that flapjack?

I didn't have to.

That flapjack was dead on arrival.

Well, that's all right. Don't worry about it.

Tomorrow, I'll fix you a whole stack of flapjacks

with oatmeal.

Hey, hey, Grady,

I can't eat flapjacks and oatmeal.

That's too filling.

Not flapjacks and oatmeal. Flapjacks with oatmeal.

Flapmeal.

Is there any mail in there for me?

Well, now, that depends.

On what?

On whether you're the occupant or the resident.

I was the occupant yesterday.

Today, you be the occupant, and I'll be the resident.

Okay, well, I'll tell you what.

You be the occupant and the resident,

and I'll be the recipient.

Welcome, welcome.

I'm gonna take this right down

and get us some good food,

a couple of six-packs, and some sweet Lucy.

Hey, uh, Grady?

Huh?

Uh, I think the government made a mistake.

Well, that wouldn't surprise me. They're always making a mistake.

What happened now?

Well, they sent you an extra check for 255.40.

And they are never wrong.

Well, now, that calls for a couple of drinks.

I don't want a drink.

Oh, I wasn't counting on you.

You're not planning on keeping that money, are you?

Oh no. I'm planning on spending this money.

Yeah, Grady, but that money doesn't even belong to you.

Oh yeah? Well, who does it belong to?

The United States government.

That check says "Grady,"

and the United States government's name is "Sam."

All right, so the government made a mistake.

Our government never makes a mistake,

and when they do,

they got a whole system to cover them up.

Grady, the government doesn't have a system

for mistakes like this.

Oh, yes, they do.

They send out millions of checks a day,

so they're bound to make a mistake,

so when they send one extra check here,

they balance that off

by sending one less check there,

and that's known

as the system of checks and balances...

so, you see, this is one of the checks,

and I intend to keep the balance.

Grady, if you keep those checks, man,

you're going to land in jail.

Oh, no, I won't,

because I'm not going to keep these checks.

I'm going to cash them, and right now.

Oh, terrific. Terrific. Terrific.

And what do you think the teller at the bank

is going to say

when you hand her two checks from the government

in the exact same amount?

She's going to say "Hi there, Lucky."

All right. All right.

Go ahead. Go ahead.

I'm not going to try to stop you.

Just go right ahead,

but I never thought I'd see the day

when a man as basically as honest as you

would do something that's wrong

against the United States of America.

America is not America.

It's the people who live in America

that make America America.

America was just the name of the man who discovered us,

and as a matter of fact, his last name wasn't America.

It was Vespucci.

The point is

that it's the people that make this country

what it is.

Now, who are the people? You and me, that's who.

So who's gonna send me to jail? You and me?

Now, I don't know where you're sending me,

but I'm sending me to the bank.

Hey, Grady?

Where could he be? He's been gone for 24 hours.

Hello, Bubba? How are you doing, buddy?

This is Lamont. Fine.

Say, listen, is Grady over there at your place?

Well, have you seen him?

Well, see, we had an argument yesterday,

and he stormed out of the house, and I haven't seen him since,

and I was wondering if you had seen him.

Huh? Where?

Of course I looked in the house, Bubba. He's not here.

Oh, wait a minute. I hear a knock on the door now.

That's probably him. Thanks a lot, Bubba. Bye.

All right, I'm coming.

Phew. I came as fast as I could.

He didn't get here yet?

No, Aunt Esther. I thought you were him.

Don't make matters worse, Lamont.

Where could he be, Aunt Esther?

I have no idea.

He could be in a million places.

Have you looked there?

He's probably out sinning with that ill-gotten money.

Well, just promise me one thing, Aunt Esther.

Just promise me that you won't tell Grady

that I told you

about that extra Social Security check that he got.

Don't worry. I won't say a word.

Good.

Hey, good morning.

Hello, Lamont. Hello, Esther.

Grady Wilson, where have you been?

Uh, excuse me,

but I haven't had too much sleep.

Uh, is this your Aunt Esther,

or is this King Kong

after he fell off the Empire State Building?

Where have you been, Grady Wilson?

You had everybody worried to death.

Oh, me and Otis,

were out having ourselves a time.

We sure were, and if you'll excuse me,

may I avail myself of your facilities?

Yeah, the john is upstairs, first door on the right.

You were out reaping the fruit

of your undeserved check, weren't you?

Yeah, we were out reaping off the government.

How did she find out about that check?

I told her. I told her everything.

I figured the truth was the best way.

That's right.

You can't get the Lord to work for you by telling lies.

Yeah, well, I sure wish you'd tell him a few truths

so he could start working on that face of yours.

Watch it.

Now, Grady Wilson, where have you been?

Oh, me and Old Otis, we did the town.

All night long?

What could the two of you possibly find to do

in this town all night?

Nothing.

But you just said...

I said we did the town.

I didn't say this was the town we did, did I?

Well, what town did you do?

Las Vegas, Nevada.

You went to Las Vegas?

That's right.

We caught that 4:30 flight over there,

and had ourselves some dinner, and did a little gambling,

and caught two great acts

at Caesar's Palace and the Flamingo.

Sodom and Gomorrah.

No, no. Nipsy Russell and Harry Belafonte.

I betcha you spent every penny

of both those checks in Las Vegas.

I sure hope so.

Well, you still not through spending,

because you still got the devil to pay.

Oh, no, I paid him last night.

I left it for him on the Hard Eight.

Oh, somebody hit the jackpot!

That's the phone, fool.

Hello?

Who?

Oh yeah, just a minute.

It's for you, Grady.

It's the Social Security Administration Office.

Hello?

Who? Oh, the Social Security office?

Oh, I'm sorry, our switchboard operator

must have disconnected us.

Hurry to the phone, Mr. Wilson.

The United States Social Security Administration

is waiting.

Why don't you shut up?

Hello? No, Grady Wilson doesn't live here, sir.

Grady!

Uh, you say you got the number, the temporary number,

from the operator?

Oh, I see.

Oh, well, okay. Hold on for a minute.

I'll check and see if he's here...

Grady, that's the United States government.

Now, they're going to catch up to you sooner or later.

I'm still checking!

Would you take that receiver out of the drawer

and talk to those people

and take your medicine like a man?

Now, go ahead.

Go on.

He's gone!

Grady...

Hello?

Uh, yes, this is Grady Wilson, sir.

Oh. You'd like to come over? Well, when?

Oh, that soon, huh?

Well, well, yeah, okay.

Well, goodbye.

When is he coming?

He said any minute now.

He went over to my house, and when I wasn't there,

he went to the corner and he called.

They're gonna ask you for that extra check back.

Well, they're gonna be out of luck,

because I ain't got it.

You mean you done spend both them checks already?

All except $8.20,

which I'm gonna pass on to a hit man

if you don't get outta this house!

Gladly, for I have stood among sinners too long.

Oh, good goobly goop.

Now what's the matter?

I just pictured her

as one of those topless dancers that I saw in Las Vegas,

and I got sick to my stomach.

Well, Lamont,

you know, I'm really in trouble now.

Well, I told you not to cash those checks.

I told you it would get you in trouble.

That's right, but, you know, last night

was the first time since I been receiving those checks

that I felt they provided me with social security.

Grady, you spent over $510

in less than 24 hours in Las Vegas.

No, I didn't.

After I left the bank, I got a load of groceries,

and I paid the water and electric bills

for the month.

All right, that only adds up to about $50.

You still spent over $400 in Las Vegas.

Yeah.

How?

Happily.

Come on, Grady. I want to know about that $400.

Now, what happened to it?

Okay. How you want it?

You want it penny by penny, or... all in general?

Penny by penny.

Okay, first there was the bus. Now, that was 25 cents a piece,

so that totals 50 cents,

and, uh, and then, when we got to the airport,

we bought a newspaper so that we could read on the plane,

and that was 10 cents.

That's 60 cents.

Yeah, well, and then we bought a Mars bar, two Goobers,

and a pack of Raisinettes,

so that was 40 cents.

All right, that's a dollar. Go on.

Oh, and then we had that big cash layout.

What big cash layout?

Miscellaneous $399, and the account's closed.

And the door on your jail cell is gonna be closed

when Mr. Hastings asks you for that $255.40

and you tell him you've got it tied up

in Raisinettes and miscellaneous.

Now, you gotta come up with that money, Grady.

Now, how you gonna do that?

I don't know, Lamont.

Maybe I can borrow it.

Well, look how time flies.

I guess I'll be running home now, Grady.

Hey, hey, wait a minute, Otis.

Now, you got some money put away.

I can't give you that money.

I've been saving it for 20 years.

What will I do if I get sick?

If I get senile?

If I can't make money, who will I turn to?

Who's gonna help me?

Well, I'll help you, Otis.

How're you gonna help me?

You're gonna be in jail, thief!

Ain't that something?

I thought I could count on him through thick and thin.

Well, I'll stick with you through the thin, Grady,

but when it starts getting too thick,

you're on your own.

You're on your own.

Answer the door, Lamont.

Come in!

That's the wrong answer!

How do you do?

Fred Hastings, Social Security Administration.

Hey, how are you doing?

I'm Lamont Sanford and this is Grady Wilson.

Well, how do you do, Mr. Wilson?

Uh, yeah, gosh... gee whiz.

You know, I feel a touch of pneumonia coming on.

You know, I've been very susceptible to pneumonia

ever since I had a tooth taken out, see,

and the cold air keeps rushing up to my lungs.

I'm sorry.

Well, that's all right, Mr. Hasty.

Hastings.

Oh, that's all right.

Well, as I'm sure you have already discovered,

there's been a mistake

regarding your Social Security check.

Huh? Wait a minute. I can't hear you. I'm sorry,

but you see,

the water in my lungs keeps rushing up to my ears,

and it makes everybody sound like they're gargling.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, well, that's all right, Mr. Haystack.

Hastings.

Oh, leave him alone.

Can't you see the man is sick?

Oh, he...

he was only trying to be polite, Mr. Haystack.

You see... it's not easy for him

seeing his friend die of water in the ears.

I understand,

and I'll try to be as brief as possible.

Now, as you are aware,

our computer made a terrible mistake this month...

Oh, there goes that gargling again...

you know, arrr, like that.

Everything sounds like "rrrrr..."

Our computer made a mistake.

It will eventually be corrected.

Rrrrr... However, during our read-out,

we discovered you did not

receive your check this month.

I am very sorry...

and I personally would like to present you

with this one.

Oh, ho ho... Um, wait a minute, see...

Lamont, Lamont, Lamont!

The man has already apologized.

Yeah, but see... Lamont! To err is human,

and to keep talking may be fatal.

Yeah, but, see... Lamont, Lamont...

will you please go in the kitchen

and get my miracle drug that I keep in the aspirin bottle?

What?

In the kitchen, Lamont!

You're going to jail, chump.

I hope the delay in this check

did not contribute in any way to your sickness.

We all make mistakes.

Well, here's your miracle drug.

Oh, wow, thank you.

I the money for the Social Security guy!

Are you all right, Mr. Wilson?

He's gonna be fine.

Are you from the Social Security?

Yes, I'm Mr. Hastings.

How do you do?

My name is Otis Littlejohn, and I'm...

Oh, that's Dr. Otis Littlejohn.

Dr. Littlejohn,

I'm certainly glad that you have arrived.

You see, I've been having trouble with my lungs,

and I would like for you to check me out.

Oh, I see you didn't bring your stethoscope.

Well, I'll just open my mouth

and you can listen down my throat.

Sounds good.

The lungs sound real good.

You're gonna be fine.

Well, I guess I'd better be going now.

I'm glad to see you're feeling better, Mr. Wilson.

Oh, hey, Mr. Haystack,

I feel like a million dollars.

As a matter of fact, I feel like $255.40.

Well, goodbye, Mr. Wilson.

Yeah, yeah, take care of yourself, Mr. Hayseed.

Goodbye, Mr. Hayseed.

Goodbye.

Well, I guess you won't be needing this anymore.

Oh, wow.

You was gonna give me your whole life's savings.

I sure was.

Hey, that's very nice.

I'm really very grateful.

Well, that's what friends are for.

Now, give me that $15.00 you owe me and I'll go.

Why do I owe you $15.00?

For my house call.

Get out of here.

You crazy.

And by the way,

your lungs didn't sound all that terrific.

♪ Da da da da da Da da da ♪♪

You're not honestly

planning on keeping all three of those checks, are you?

Well, no, and not "honestly."

That's not what I meant.

I know what you mean, and yes, I am gonna keep them.

I figure they'll find out their mistake sooner or later,

and when they do, I'll settle up then,

but until that time,

I'm gonna keep them with a clear conscience.

Grady, how can you have a clear conscience?

I'll tell you how I can have a clear conscience.

I'm 65 years old.

Now, 40 years ago

when I first complained about them

taking social security out of my check,

they told me I'd get it back when I retire.

Well, when they took one dollar out of my check

40 years ago, it was worth a dollar...

now when they're giving it back to me,

it's only worth a quarter,

so the way I see it, I'm entitled to this check,

the other two, and one more.

I can't stand it anymore.

Well, stop shouting. I can't stand it either.

I'm talking about those checks, Grady Wilson,

and what you're doing is wrong,

and in my heart, I know it's wrong,

and I'm gonna call that Mr. Hastings

and tell him.

All right, well, you do that.

I mean, a man must do

what he knows in his heart is right.

That's correct.

You know, I got to thinking before,

there's a good chance

that they might not ever find that mistake.

Aw, they'll find it, all right.

May I please have the telephone number

of the Social Security administration office?

What I mean is that it's possible

that I can keep on getting two checks a month forever.

And three if ol' Haystacks keeps coming by.

Thank you very much.

But, now, figuring I only get two checks a month,

that's $500 a month.

Hello? May I speak with Mr. Hastings, please?

That adds up to $6000 a year.

Hello, Mr. Hastings? This is Lamont.

That's 3000 for you and 3000 for me,

but you do what your heart tells you.

Lamont Cranston.

Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?

No, I can't do that. That's dishonest.

Oh, I... you just call the government. 3000...

Seven million crooks in the world,

and I got to end up with an honest guy.