Original subtitles

[music playing]

[harmonica wails]

[theme music]

(LAUGHING)

Strike!

Too high!

That's because you're a midget.

Come on, Darlene, bear down.

Bear down.

Strike two!

Too low!

Low? Low?

Are you blind?

Are you drunk?

Are you crazy?

Get your popcorn!

Get your peanuts!

Get your butt over here and help me with these damn bags!

Babe, our daughter's on her way to the Hall of Fame.

Well, on your way to Cooperstown,

drop them off in the kitchen.

Mom, do you think boobs will affect my pitching?

Not this season.

Great to be alive, isn't it?

Well, I wouldn't know.

I just spent two hours in the supermarket with one of them

carts that only makes left hand turns.

Well, this ought to straighten you out.

Feel better?

Well, it wasn't as good as the checkout boy, but it'll do.

OK, Johnny, see you tomorrow night at 9:00.

Yeah, Johnny, tomorrow at 9:00.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Dad.

What did you do?

Can't a girl say hi to her parents without being

treated like a suspect?

No.

Wine?

Candles?

You cheated!

You read the labels!

All right, bub.

You must want something.

I want you to put a leaf in here,

because we're having a company Friday night.

I invited Chip and his parents for dinner.

How could you do that?

Because I ran into Chip's mom in the supermarket

and she puts a gun to my head, so I invited her.

Becky, you've been squawking for months for us

to have them over.

You should be happy.

I am happy.

So what's your problem?

Nothing.

I just have a lot of studying to do.

On Friday night?

Yes, on Friday night.

(FRENCH ACCENT) That's our busiest night.

What's that?

What?

That lightning bolt you got hanging off your face.

What did you do, pierce your ear again?

Yeah.

How many holes in your head does it

take to be accepted these days?

Six.

Well, three more and I'll use you to drain my spaghetti.

Do I have to get dressed up for this boring dinner?

No, we're all dining naked.

Again?

Hey, I thought you were going to clear this table off for me.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

I was just goofing around cooking dinner for eight.

Sis, are you sure you won't stay?

No, I've got a date with Booker.

Well, bring him.

No way!

I finally got him to take me to a restaurant that

doesn't have napkin dispensers.

What are you doing with that?

I'm marinating the swordfish.

Yuppies marinate everything.

Well, then, I guess Bonnie and Edgar ought to love it.

Edgar? Chip's father's name is Edgar?

Yeah.

I don't believe I've ever supped with an Edgar before.

Well, it's the least we can do.

They've taken Becky out a million times, you know?

To some really nice places.

So you're squaring the deal by serving them

my famous marinated swordfish?

Well, you never know, Sis.

Bonnie and Edgar could be family someday.

Roseanne, Chip and Becky are only in the eighth grade.

Well, they've been going together six months.

That's pretty much longer than you've ever

gone out with anyone, isn't it?

Are they here yet?

Yes, I believe Asquith has shown them

into the study, where they're sipping

absinthe and playing billiards.

Should I put out the good dishes?

Nah, let's just go ahead and break down these paper

plates with divisions.

I'll put out the good dishes.

(DISGUSTED) Ugh!

What smells like fish?

Fish.

What time did you tell them to be here?

Becky, chill out.

They will be here when they get here.

This is great.

Now I got to eat this stupid fish

and wear this stupid dress.

And then you're going to do the stupid dishes.

Well, I do believe that my work here is done.

Lady Connor, you're dismissing the help for the evening?

I'd stay but my French maid costume is at the cleaners.

[speaking fake french]

Remember to sprinkle a little garlic salt on the fish

before you put it in the oven.

OK, I will.

Good luck.

- Thanks. - Thanks, Sis.

See you tomorrow.

You know, they have to be out of here by 9:00.

I have to start studying by 9 o'clock.

What exactly is it that you're studying?

Nothing.

[doorbell rings]

Finally!

Becky, relax. Everything's going to be fine.

Your father and I are not going to embarrass you.

Right.

I'll get the door.

You get the orgy lamp.

Lady Darlene, the guests have arrived.

Get your feet off the couch.

Ha-ha!

Think you're funny, chum?

Uh-huh.

Well, let's just unfunny you up a little bit.

Let's just shake some of that wise guy out of you.

[dj giggling]

Hey, Mr. Connor.

Hey, Chip, how's it going?

Hi, Chip!

Hey, DJ.

It's OK.

This is normal.

Hiya, Bonnie.

How you doing, Roseanne?

Well, my feet hurt and I've got

periodic bouts of depression.

But other than that, I'm fine.

[interposing voices]

Hey, handsome.

Dan, Roseanne, this is my husband, Edgar.

Hi, Edgar, good to know you.

This is the rest of our stunning brood.

DJ, Darlene.

Hi.

EDGAR: Hello.

Guess we're ready to eat.

I think maybe they'd like to take their coats off first.

Thank you.

Here, you guys.

Check these for loose change and then throw them on my bed.

DARLENE: OK, Mom.

DJ: OK, Mom.

DARLENE: Shut up, pinhead.

Precious, ain't they?

Here, these are for you.

Thanks.

I'll go put them in water real quick so we can eat.

Anybody care for a drink?

You bet.

My kind of gal.

Just mineral water.

Well, we've got water.

And I'm sure it's got minerals in it.

Edgar?

Should I be bad?

Why not?

You jogged this morning.

What the heck.

I'll have a tropical hurricane.

I can get you a cold beer and turn on a fan.

Beer's fine.

Babe?

I'll have some of that Muscatel

in the door of the fridge.

Chipster, the usual?

Yeah, thanks.

Why don't we sit down?

Oh, here.

I know you two want to sit next to each other.

Thanks.

Interesting picture.

Yeah, it used to be a postcard and then

we had 100 paintings run off.

I told you she was a pistol.

Of

Mom?

Mom?

What is it, Darlene?

Well, there was laundry in your bed,

so I put the coats on your chair.

I hope my beeper didn't fall out.

I was perfectly willing to put it in my purse.

Well, your purse is in the car.

And the car is locked.

And the alarm is not working.

Oh, just smack her, Edgar.

I'm really getting hungry.

Well, have a drink at the bar.

We'll let you know when your table is ready.

Mommy?

Daddy.

So.

So.

I'm so glad we did this.

ROSEANNE: Uh-huh.

So, Dan, Bonnie tells me you're a contractor.

Bonnie speaks the truth.

Well, you know I do a bit of digging myself.

I'm a dentist.

Everybody rinse!

Yeah, we go to that Dr. Sternberg over there

on Oakhurst.

Oh, sure, we know Mark.

He's real good.

We like him a lot.

But he's not an Oakhurst anymore.

Is that right?

Right, he's in that new professional building

over on Sheridan.

They must have moved.

Yeah, he shared space with Kehoe Pamer and--

you know, the fellow who had the thing.

You know, the one who knows Barbara.

Lidecker.

Right, Kehoe Pamer and Lidecker.

They all share that professional building over in Sheridan.

My friend Karen decorated it.

My friend Rocco poured the driveway.

Jeez, talk about a small world, huh?

Jeez.

Jeez.

Got an ETA out on that fish, babe?

Soon.

How soon?

I'll check with the cook.

Becky, you doing anything tomorrow night?

Why?

I thought we could go see "Bloodthirsty 2".

Tomorrow night?

Yeah.

It didn't get very good reviews.

Well, neither did a "Bloodthirsty 1",

but you saw that 14 times."

OK, I'll go.

I hear during the prom scene, they use a human liver.

Oh, well, everybody ready to eat?

BECKY: Yes.

Good, I just turned the oven on,

so it'll cook a lot faster that way.

More than a week in Hawaii will drive you crazy.

Everybody says aloha!

That's all they ever say!

Aloha this, aloha that.

It means hello, it means goodbye.

What else does it mean, honey?

I know it means love.

I think it means potholder, too.

Tell them about our guide, honey.

Oh, Dan, Dan!

You've got to hear this.

Roseanne, this is wonderful.

A publisher friend of ours swears it's a book.

Well, just give us the cliff notes?

Why don't we order in a pizza?

No, it's time.

Need any help out there in the kitchen, babe?

Oh, that's so sweet of you to offer, honey.

But you just stay here.

Aloha.

Our guide's name was Michael Ho.

Of course his Hawaiian name was Mikahila.

Ah, yes.

Mikahila Ho.

Um, did you know that when swordfish cooks, it shrinks?

And of course when it's burned, it practically disappears.

Oh, for crying out loud, honey, let's just eat it burnt!

Burned?

I can have hamburgers in 10 minutes.

20, if you want them cooked.

Hamburgers are fine.

This will be our red meat day.

We could have had hamburgers an hour ago.

I hate this house!

Tell Becky I need her to help me.

She's not up there.

Where is she?

Well, if she's smart, she went out to dinner.

Quiet, you.

(SHRILL) Becky!

Nice going, Beck.

You got out of the house.

The hard part is over.

Sorry you can't come in.

My parents have people over.

No prob.

Hey, listen, want to go to a party tomorrow night?

Yeah, that'd be great.

Cool, I'll pick you up at 7:00.

BECKY: 7:00 is great, Johnny.

Think it'll be cool with your parents?

My parents are very cool.

They don't tell me what to do.

Cool.

Becky, get your butt in the house now!

Mother?

Now.

Roseanne Conner.

Nice to meet you.

So how long is Becky grounded for?

What did she do?

She forgot to gag Darlene like I told her.

She snuck out last night to meet the make out king.

Chip's the make out king?

Forget Chip, he's old news.

Darling, why don't you use your mouth to eat?

Who is the make out king?

You are, honey.

Johnny Swanko, he's a sophomore.

Well, he kisses like a senior.

I get the feeling I'm not totally filled

in on everything around here.

Becky's got something going with another guy.

What kind of thing?

I don't know, Dan, but I caught them out by the garage

last night.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because there's lots of stuff I don't tell you, honey.

That's the glue that keeps our little family together.

(MOCKINGLY) Oh, Johnny! Oh, Johnny!

Oh, Johnny!

Oh, Johnny!

I want to hear more about this Johnny.

Well, he wears a black studded belt

and they call him the Tongue Bandit.

Darlene, why don't you leave and come

back when you're about 40?

OK, great, I'll go over to Johnny's.

DJ: Great, I'll go over to Johnny's!

Drop dead.

So I thought chip was Becky's main squeeze.

Well, I guess when you're 13, you need more than one squeeze.

I just want to say that what you did to me last night

was totally uncool.

And if I were your mother, I would never do that to you.

Well, do me a favor and enlighten me.

Mother, let's just drop it.

No, no, no.

I want to know.

What's your definition of cool?

Is that to make a date with chip and then

turn around and make a date for the very

same night with Johnny Angel

His name is Johnny Swanko.

Whatever.

Come on, just answer my question.

It's none of your business.

It is my business when you start snaking out of this house

to meet some guy that I would consider

leaving your father for!

You know, Becky, what you did is going

to make it to Zit Magazine's 10 Most Vicious Teens.

I'm sorry, I was wrong.

Well, are you dating Chip or not?

Yeah, I still like Chip.

Well, how would you like it if Chip met some other girl

in his driveway?

Hey, Chip can do whatever he wants.

I don't care.

Well, I'll remember that when you're sitting there crying

your eyes out because Chip sat next to some other girl

on the bus.

Becky, why didn't you tell us all this before we invited

the Lunts over to dinner?

Because Mom had already invited them.

Plus you guys love Chip.

Plus if you knew I was going out with Johnny,

you would've freaked!

There's no way you'd let me go out with him.

You got that right.

I want you to get on the phone.

You call the Tongue Bandit and you

tell him you ain't going nowhere tonight,

not even out to the garage.

Hey, it's my life.

Why don't you just butt out!

Becky, we're just trying to teach

you how to do the right thing.

You guys are real hypocrites, you know that?

I mean, you're always saying how you're

the coolest, hippest, most with it parents, but you're not.

You're just like everyone else's parents.

You're bogus!

Hi, Dan Bogus.

Roseanne Hypocrite Bogus, so nice meet you.

I've heard so many good things about you.

Not.

So.

So, didn't we vow to become the world's

most hippest parents?

Well, babe, that was in the '70s.

Our groove was in a more mellow bag.

We swore that we would treat our kids differently

than our parents treated us.

I think we have.

ROSEANNE: No, we made a snap judgment about this Johnny guy.

Just exactly what my parents would've done.

That wasn't a snap judgment, the guy's a punk.

You didn't even see him.

I trust your judgment.

Well, that's just the point, Dan.

It's not up to us to judge.

My dad thought you were a punk.

I was!

That's how come I know this guy is a punk.

No, like it or not, we are now the parents of a teenager.

And we are not the hip parents that we

said we were going to be.

Define hip parents.

OK.

Sure, honey, Johnny can stay over.

Me and Daddy could, like, crash out on the floor, man.

You guys could use our bed.

That's the kind of parent I thought I want to be.

Well, we ain't them, baby.

Well, we ain't Robert Young and Jane Wyatt, either.

DAN: Well, who are we?

Well, we ain't Bonnie and Edgar.

Aloha.

Aloha!

Well, what do we want to be?

Well, I want to be the kind of parent that can trust our kids.

Oh, we want to be the kind of parents that

can look at a kid dressed like Johnny Swanko

and not think that he's only got one

thing on his filthy little mind and we've

both got a pretty good suspicion of what that one thing is?

Yeah, well, you were kind of a punk

and I was pretty innocent when we went out on our first date,

remember?

I sure do.

Becky!

Well, I think we're doing the right thing.

You know what?

I think we're doing the right thing, too.

What now?

Your mother and I have come to a decision

about the Swanko situation.

Can I go out with him?

Not in a million years.

Where are you going? - To get the paper.

What's the matter?

Something is about to occur that's going to make you wish

you would've woke up as a different person

in a different house in a different country

on a different planet.

[doorbell rings]

Croissants.

[music playing]

EDGAR: It's called goncha.

It's an herb from Tibet.

What region is it from, honey?

The Bonesta region.

It's up north.

Oh, you can make everything from goncha.

They make tea from goncha.

And those wafers.

BONNIE: Goncha Folis.

They're so delicate.

They make bread from goncha.

They even make wine from it.

So is that where you guys do all your shopping?

We wish.

So do I.

[theme music]