Original subtitles

♪

[Kevin narrating] Previously on Real

Husbands of Hollywood.

Ah!

[Trina] Kevin, it's Trina.

Ah!

[Trina] You've been nominated for Best Actor

for"Five Foot a Slave".

Hey!

[glasses clink]

Congratulations!

[Nick] To us!

Who else got nominated?

We all did!

For what?

Best Director.

Best Supporting Actor.

Are you kidding me?

And don't forget about me, mission.

You're only nominated because you're black!

You black and you ain't get shit!

[Robin] I'm not black and I got seven nominations.

You got what?

'Cause you are a watermelon eating,

tap dancing, pickaninny!

[thud]

[water spraying]

[screaming]

[laughter]

[thud]

You pissed everybody off.

Because of you, the Black Characters Matters

movement has called for a boycott.

Hey.

[Kevin] Who in the hell is that?

It was supposed to be your escort to the Academy ceremony.

If you wanna win, you need to up your game and

upgrade your entourage.

Do you like getting' your toes sucked?

[slurping]

[choking]

Ah, God, girl you're strong!

[laughs]

♪

♪ This is the life, this is the life.♪

♪ You got the life, you got the life.♪

♪ This is the city where we party every night,♪

♪ every night.♪

♪ Just you and me down and to go♪

♪ Welcome to Hollywood, welcome to Hollywood♪

♪ Welcome to Hollywood♪

Get a life, Kevin.

It's not happening.

OK, then why are you here?

Because if I got to the awards with you,

I'm gonna get a better seat.

Oh, so you using me?

Mm-hmm.

♪

[Kevin] Well, then use all of me.

It's like that song.

If you gonna use me, then use me,

then you can't use me no more.

That's not how it goes.

♪

[lips smacking]

Oh!

Uh oh!

Ooh!

Looks like I made a oopsie!

My thing is, I wanna deliver babies.

It just depends on the opportunity.

'Cause I'm doing comedy, but I love women,

and at the same time, I love children.

So, if I can bring a child into the world with my

hands, what's better than that?

You know?

So, if you ever had a baby, I would deliver it.

I wouldn't--

Um, you have--

--what the hell?

Hey, bae.

Uh, excuse me.

The hell are y'all doing here?

[J.B.] [bleep] you doing here?

What you mean, what am I doing here?

It's my damn house.

What's your address?

[Kevin] You asking me the address to my own house?

Exactly.

1630...[bleep] you, J.B.

[bleep] you, Kevin.

No, [bleep] you.

This ain't your [bleep] house.

It is my house!

I just don't know the address!

I don't see no baby chairs around.

I don't punch the address in my navigation code.

That's some shit!

It says home!

It says home!

I know how navigation work--

OK.

--and you don't [bleep] live here.

[bleep] you, man!

No, [bleep] you!

Forget it!

Shut up.

No!

Listen to me.

All y'all need to get the hell up outta here.

'Cause me and my new lady, we in the back,

and we doing something real special right now.

[Nick] Why you got a new lady every episode?

Why you in my episodic business, Nick?

Nice floaties.

You talk about her breasts one more time, Boris,

and I promise I knock that mustache off your face.

I'm talking about the floaties in the pool, idiot.

[Nick] I'll talk about her breasts.

Look like she needs to be introduced to the cannon,

cannon, cannon.

[laughter]

Yeah, well, the last I heard, that cannon,

cannon's powder was wet.

This one back here, she like that live ammo.

It's busting off like a uzi.

Barapp, barapp, barapp!

Looks like Coleman's trying to load his musket.

Oh, this dirty mother--

They say there are over 75 erogenous zones.

There's actually 76, Coleman.

Thank you, Mr. Incredible.

[Kevin] What the hell you think you doing, Coleman?

Applying suntan lotion, sir.

Yeah, well, you're about to be applying for a new

job, if you don't keep them old,

jeeper creepers hands off my [bleep] lady.

I'm not his lady.

Thank you, Coleman.

You're welcome, Kali.

Coleman, get your old ass outta here before I deport

you back to Russia.

Come on, Kevin, man.

The dude's from London.

Where do you think Russia is, dumb ass?

I'm gonna be honest, I don't know how you got all

this shit, but you gotta be the dumbest mother

[bleep] in the world.

[Kevin] I'm the dumbest?

But you don't know geometry?

Russia is in London.

Dummy.

[Nick] You're being real rude, Kevin.

Can't even introduce your friends.

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey.

Hey, don't be rude.

[J.B.] Don't do that.

Introduce us.

[Boris] Hey, pleasure to meet you.

[Kevin] Don't do that.

Guys, don't disrespect me in my house, please.

[Boris] Hey, how are you?

[crosstalk]

So, y'all don't hear me?

Y'all gonna disrespect me in my house?

[Boris] This is J.B.

He's married.

Hi!

So, I'm not a man in my home.

I'm married.

He's single.

You guys are so sharply dressed.

I gotch you.

[gun shots]

[screaming]

Whoa!

Oh, oh, hey!

♪

[Kevin] Oh, you hear me now?

Hey!

Put the gun down.

[Kevin] Shut your pretty ass up, Boris!

You model mother [bleep].

Shut up!

J.B. who house it is now?

[J.B.] If you in your car, and she says you have

arrived at your destination,

I guess it's your [bleep] house.

You [bleep] damn right it's my house!

Nick, I'm so sick of you and these [bleep] candy shoes.

I mean, I get it.

They cool.

You got 'em in my size, I'll take it.

But get your hands off my [bleep], 'coz!

Get out!

Now, who the hell invited y'all over here?

I did.

[dramatic music]

You've got to be shitting me.

Huh.

Wow.

You un-nominated mother [bleep].

Stop eating pork, brother.

It makes you dribble.

Now, what I wanna know is, are y'all still shucking

and jiving to the white man's award show?

Hmm?

[Kevin] What are you talking about, man?

Now, what it should be called is the everybody

but Duane awards.

That's what is should be called, brother.

Trina, what are you doing here?

Saving all of your careers.

[thud]

♪

[J.B.] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

♪

Ah!

They painted my bad side.

[laughter]

[Boris] Why do I look like a servant?

Because that's how the man sees you.

No, because that's how the world sees you.

[Nick] Well, by the way this is drawn,

I'm the one pulling all the strings,

so I'm OK with that.

Ha, look at me!

I look damn good.

You a lawn jockey, J.B.

[J.B.] Yep, a sexy lawn jockey.

[laughs]

Look at my boots, and that pretty smile!

Bling, bling, bling.

[Trina] Sighs.

What the hell am I supposed to be doing?

Oh, you are shining Robin's shoes.

Why am I doing that?

Because whitey made you do it, Kevin!

OK, OK, OK, all right.

Bring it down.

It's all right.

Enough.

Bring it down.

Just bring it down a little bit, all right, baby.

Enough.

Enough.

It's OK.

It's OK.

What is wrong with you?

Pressure down, Duane, or we [bleep]

around and all get assassinated.

Bottom line is, is that if you go to the awards show,

you know, you can all just kiss your little careers goodbye.

That's right.

Because the brothers and sisters are boycottin'.

And anybody that goes, they ain't [bleep]

with 'em no more.

Ask Robin.

That's why he's not going, and I'm not going either.

Power to the people!

Shh, Will you--nobody invited your dumb ass.

What are you guys talking about?

[Boris] We're talking about whether we should

sell out and go to the awards show.

'Cause I already designed my tux!

[Nick] Yeah, formation Beyoncé over here thinks

that we do go, that black folks gonna turn on us.

[Kali] Beyoncé might be right.

I mean, the white parts in me are super excited to go

to the awards show with you,

but then the black parts are really angry at the

continued systematic oppression from Hollywood.

You know, when Hattie McDaniels won her Oscar,

she wasn't even allowed to go.

They had to do it, like, by satellite,

and then Louis B. Mayer wrote the speech!

It's OK.

It's OK.

Like, she didn't even have her own words.

It's OK.

Basically the black part was just put in your face, Kevin!

Mm!

[Kevin] All I wanna know is,

which half do I get to have sex with?

Imma be honest, I don't give a damn what black

folks think.

When I was on the "The Millers" and it got canceled,

I don't see no black folks showing up to help me.

When SNL didn't renew me, I didn't see no black folk

outside NBC protesting.

When"Curb Your Enthusiasm" went off and

Larry David ain't answering my [bleep]

calls, nobody said why Larry ain't answering your

[bleep] call.

You know what, though?

Who had my back?

Who, J.B.?

[laughs] Tina Fey.

White woman.

Ain't that something?

[Boris] She talented.

[Kevin] Get your [bleep] damn feet off my coffee table.

[J.B.] This ain't cool?

No, it's not.

[Nick] Look, I'm running for governor,

so I need the black vote.

I'm not going.

Yep, me neither.

And Nicole's not gonna have it.

But when's the next time I'm gonna get nominated

for anything?!

Never gonna happen.

[Kevin] You be better off playing the

[bleep] damn lottery. [laughs]

There they go!

Bringing a brother down!

[sighs]

I'm gonna boycott.

But I better win a [bleep] damn Hoodie this year, baby.

[Boris] I'm gonna call Steve Harvey for you.

[J.B.] Call Steve Harvey.

All right, put it in.

♪

One for all, all for one.

Psh.

[Nick] I ain't gonna be holding J.B.'s ashy ass hand.

Put your hand in here!

Come on, man!

Put your little baby [bleep] hand in here!

Who are y'all kidding?

This is the last time the white people will ever

feel this guilty.

Mr. Hart makes a very good point.

You here what he just said?

You better listen to the white man.

He work for you!

So what?

All I'm saying, is that if we don't take this chance

right now, we'll never get it again.

That's where I stand.

[Kali] You know, Kevin?

I was almost gonna give you some [bleep]

until you said that dumb ass shit.

[Boris] See?

Which is why we are going to unite and stand as a

united front.

Yes!

[Kevin] Huh?

My hand is in.

[Boris] Let's go.

On three.

[Boris] On three.

One, two, three.

[bleep] the academy!

Four, five, six.

Forget them tricks.

And call me a sell out all you want.

I don't care.

I'm going!

And when I'm done, guess what Imma do?

Imma have a little celebration with Kali's

white half.

[laughs]

Actually, you're gonna have a celebration with

your better half.

That would be me.

You think I spent all those years standing by

your side for you to walk the carpet with another

one of your tropical bitches?

No.

She will go over her dead body.

[gasps]

[muffled cries]

♪

Somebody call 9-1-1!

Let me tell you who's not gonna call 9-1-1.

[muffled screams]

♪

♪

[Kevin] Yes, yes.

[Roshumba] Hey, Kevin.

Good to see you.

[shutter clicking]

Hey, good to see you, Roshumba.

Aww.

Oh, look at you.

We have Kevin Hart, Best Actor nominee for his role

in "Five Foot a Slave".

Yes.

[shutter clicking]

Now, before we get into the interview, Kevin,

what a tail you have.

Oh. [laughs]

Who are you wearing?

[shutter clicking]

Well, unfortunately, I'm not wearing you,

with your fine ass. [laughs]

Oh.

Don't make me take your tail and choke you out on

this carpet.

Will you stop it?

Well, as you can see, I brought my 150 pound

kettle bell with me.

[shutter clicking]

OK.

Just put your number in my pocket when she not looking.

Just put it right here in my pocket, OK?

All right? [laughs]

OK.

[screaming and booing]

[Roshumba] Now, Kevin, this is an amazing time

for you.

Mm.

But it's also a troubling time.

I'm talking about the boycotts.

[Kevin] Oh, no, there's nothing troubling about this.

See, you gotta understand, a positive is never gonna

make a negative unless you can take that positive and

put it in a pot with negatives.

Uh-huh.

That's how you get to be a negative.

That don't make any sense.

Will you just be quiet?

I'm trying to keep you from looking stupid on the carpet.

I look stupid 'cause I'm with you.

So, you better watch it!

I'm trying to make you--

That's enough!

[Roshumba] OK, Kevin?

Kevin, Kevin.

So, how do you feel about the boycott?

I'm at a place right now where I'm on a pedestal

all by myself.

Nothing can rain on my parade.

Nothin'!

I feel great.

The only thing that can rain on my parade is, poo,

pow, bpptt!

I am right here.

[clears throat]

You better watch that shit.

For real, Kevin.

Stop it.

I'm trying to protect you.

I'm on your side against these boycotts.

[booing continues]

Shush, the boycott.

You don't tell me to--

Zip it!

Zip it!

All right, Kevin--

You're on TV.

--Kevin.

Good luck tonight and congratulations

on the nomination.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

OK.

Bye, Rwanda!

All right.

It's like the hotel.

That's so pretty.

Stop it!

You're not the star.

Boo to you!

Stop it!

Coleman, let's go.

It's my time.

Thank you.

Thank you.

[booing continues]

[crowd] Get out!

Listen, whatever you say is enough.

[splat]

♪

Oh!

Oh, my God!

Kevin!

[shutter clicking]

They got me!

They got me!

[crosstalk]

OK, as you were!

Defend yourself, sir!

[police whistles]

[cloth tearing]

You thought that I wasn't gonna know the Source

Awards was cancelled, Kevin?

You lied!

[police sirens]

[splat]

[screaming]

Coleman!

[Kevin] [whispering loudly] Just stop it.

You wouldn't have to wipe anything off,

you had to block the eggs.

You know what?

I didn't know you were gonna get mitch slapped by

a bunch of eggs.

It doesn't matter.

Doesn't matter.

Instead of moving them, you get in front of them

and save my outfit.

You should've stepped in front of me.

Oh, you just better be happy I'm trying to help

your little mitch ass.

[gasps]

[Kevin] Look at you dirty sell outs.

Hey.

I'm not dirty.

I'm clean, mother [bleep].

[laughter]

Look like a cheap chocolate Easter bunny

with the gold part peeling off the face.

[Nick] Ain't nobody selling out.

No, we're buying in.

If we're sell outs, what the [bleep] are you?

[whispering loudly] What you talking about?

You're all bigger sellers to me.

You know why?

'Cause you got here before me.

So, you're all sell outs first.

Get off my arm rest.

Get off of my arm rest.

Hey, guys, we're homies for life.

We're brothers.

[Bridgette] I need a shoulder check.

We're brothers.

We are not brothers, Robin.

We're brothers.

You're a traitor.

You're a traitor to your people and to our people.

You know what?

You know what?

Why am I even talking to y'all?

Duane was right.

You all ain't nothing but a bunch of cool spooks

and pickaninnies.

And the Academy ain't gonna accept none of y'all.

None of y'all gonna win.

Get the [bleep] off my armrest!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, shut up.

[male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome to the stage the host of our

show, the Academy's most loyal member,

Duane Martin Campbell.

♪

[applause and cheering]

What?

I'm Duane Martin and welcome to the world's

greatest awards show!

[applause and cheering]

Huh!

I wanna apologize to the Academy personally for all

of the protesting that's going on out front, OK?

[applause and cheering]

[Duane] As for me, I'm thankful that the white

people brought us over here.

Because they ain't got nothing like this in Africa.

[laughter]

♪

I play pro sports where winning is everything.

So if we're having a sellout contest,

I'm winning.

[male 1] And the winner for Best Original Song is,

Robin Thicke, for"What the Hell is Going On?"

from motion picture, "Marvin's Gaye".

[laughs]

Whoo!

[applause and cheering]

[Kevin narrating] I mean, sure,

they have black people on the red carpet,

and hosting the show, and giving out award,

but the rest of the night?

That Academy let us know exactly what they thought

about black people.

[female 1] And the winner is Robin Thicke for

"Marvin's Gaye ".

[applause and cheering]

[Robin] Can you believe it?

Can you believe it?

[bleep]

Wow!

Thank you, thank you.

Nobody was as good as my character Danny Go.

What?

Look.

There he go!

There he go!

That was awful.

♪

[male 1] The winner for Best Original Screenplay

is my man, Robin Thicke.

Yeah!

[female 2] The winner for Best Director of a Motion Picture.

Who else?

Robin Thicke for "Marvin's Gaye".

[sighs]

[applause and cheering]

Yeah!

[Kevin narrating] This was quickly becoming the worst

night of my life.

[male 2] Now, the moment we've been waiting for,

the Best Actor award.

Hey, good luck, Kev.

May the best man win.

You know, it's too bad he won't be black.

Why does it always have to be about race?

Will you just kiss my bangs?

You know, I'm sick of this.

Let's get out of here, Bridgette.

All right.

Let's blow this joint.

Make sure you get my--

We are leaving.

Lift it up.

And this is rigged, racist.

Get your hands off me.

[male 2] And the winner is Kevin Hart,

for"Five Foot a Slave".

[applause and cheering]

[shouting] Oh, baby, baby, baby!

You won!

Oh, my God!

They just called your name!

Kevin, let's go!

[laughs]

♪

Come on, while they play that music.

Oh, my God, Brad Pitt.

Thank you so much!

I just wanna thank my pastor,

Bishop Blake and Lady Mayes.

I wanna thank my parents, Donald and Diane.

I wanna thank my best friend from first grade,

Alex, who always knew that I was gonna be something

special ever since we started the boom boom stop

step team.

Move, move!

Ain't your day.

Coleman, stretch that out, so they can see.

[applause]

[laughter]

[Kevin] Let me start off by just saying what

everybody else is thinking out there,

and that's that Duane is doing a horrible job as a host.

[laughter]

He really is.

I mean, I seen better hosts at a dang gone

Waffle House, OK?

[laughter]

Um, I just wanna take a second to speak on diversity--

Take your time.

--because that's an issue that's really big in this town.

But I just wanna say--before you say

anything--I just wanna say--stop it.

[applause]

You stop it.

Stop it.

I just wanna say that I get it.

White people, I get it.

I get where you're coming from.

At your odds, you're like--what?

We're supposed to give up all of our roles,

and all of our parts to the others?

[Bridgette] Uh!

Meaning the negroes.

[Bridgette] Pffftt.

[audience groans]

[Kevin] Right?

That's how you feel.

And I mean, honestly, who would wanna do that?

Who wants to give up their jobs?

I know I don't.

[whispers] Not me.

Who wants to give up their job to a awful actor,

like Boris, or J.B.? Huh?

Who wants to do that?

[clapping]

Or to let some poo butt, penny pot,

pinhead director Nick Cannon direct a movie for 'em?

Who wants to do that?

[applause]

Is that a compliment?

A compliment?

Don't worry about it.

But I--I divergent.

But let me put you white people at ease, all right?

Now that the brothers are in,

we are not letting anybody else in.

We have had enough.

OK?

So the rest of y'all can kiss our black and white asses.

That's right!

Kiss our asses!

Because lemme tell you something,

if you let one of us in, then what you think is

gonna happen next?

The Mexicans gonna be coming over the damn

fences left and right.

[laughter]

Who wants that?

The Asians breaking their necks to do movies.

Nobody gonna see no Asian in no movie.

Unless it's kung fu, and that's even tough to

watch, 'cause your mouth moving all fast,

ain't no words coming out that match your mouth.

What the [bleep] are you saying, man?

Oh.

Huh?

Let's just speak on it.

[laughter]

While we talking about it, let's speak on it.

Don't get me talking about the gays.

I don't wanna talk about the gays, 'cause honestly,

I got nothing but love for the gay community.

But if we gonna be real, then be real.

[exhales]

Y'all snuck in through the back door.

Boris, I saw you coming in.

OK, so don't you get me started on that [laughs].

Hey, hey, for the record, I didn't like

"Brokeback Mountain".

I didn't like it one bit.

I did.

But, I like Carol, so let's put a check.

That evens that whole thing out.

Where you all going?

OK?

And Robin, don't think you just gonna keep on skating

through all untouched.

You got to pick a side.

You either black or white.

I'm tired of you.

[stamping feet]

It's like whatever's convenient for you.

Oh, today, I'm over here.

Today I'm over here.

No, no, I'm sick of that shit.

Pick a side, man.

[crowd murmuring]

Tell you what else is pissing me off.

These damn black Brits, with your little cockney accents.

[affects British accent] Do you want a little nutty bar?

Want a nutty bar?

[normal speech] [bleep] no!

I don't want that shit!

I do.

I'm talking about you, Igis Elbow!

Idris.

So sick of you and that [bleep] damn nose.

Smelling up all the [bleep] damn air in Hollywood.

And that [bleep] what's his name?

Chattanooga Rafters Jello.

Whatever his name is.

Get out of here with your white teeth and your

stupid accents.

Oh, shit.

[Bridgette] I didn't--

[Kevin] I'm sick of it.

[Bridgette] --sorry!

[Kevin] OK.

I got all that off my chest, man.

[Bridgette] [sighs]

And after hearing that, y'all can tell that I'm a

man of God.

[Bridgette] Roshonda.

[Kevin] Which is why I dedicate this to who

matters the most to me.

Man, that's my kids.

There is no me without y'all.

And Duane, truth is I won Best Actor before your

best friend.

You know why?

Because "Concussion" gave me a headache.

That's the truth.

Or should I say truth?

[Bridgette] Oh, my God!

Ah!

Ah!

[thud]

♪

Oh!

[Bridgette] Oh, my God!

Ow!

[yelling]

Whoop his ass!

Don't hurt my money!

[crying]

[Bridgette] Kevin!

Kevin!

[mumbling]

[Torrei] Kevin!

Get your lazy ass up!

If you wasn't my husband, I swear to God I would

fire you.

The hell you talking about?

I'm not married to you no more, Torrei.

And you won't be if you don't get your trifling

ass up.

I have a store full of customers, Kevin!

Store you talkin' about?

I ain't back--the hell is going on?

Where's Nelly and J.B. and Nick, and Duane and

that girl that I was supposed to smash from the after party.

Where's everybody at?

Imma smash your ass right now if you don't get out

on that floor and start selling some [bleep] damn shoes!

[lockers clanging]

Talking about I'm married.

♪

[Kevin] "Real Husbands of Hollywood"?

That's my TV show.

Starring that non-union actor Jackie Long?

What's going on, man?

♪

No.

Oh, man!

♪

♪