Original subtitles

Girl, where you at?

Girl, where am I?

Where are you?

You're getting warm.

Ooh.

You at? -Ah, yeah.

I can feel it.

Oh, girl.

Find me.

Oh, I smell you.

Guess, who just discovered America.

You got them boots on.

No, no, no.

No, papi, that's the wrong way.

Shh.

Shh.

It's gonna be the right way when I'm done with you.

Oh, my god.

KEVIN HART: Where's the [bleep]? Ouch.

Shit!

Ah-haha.

Hah!

Charmaine?

Hah!

THEME SONG: [SINGING]

This is the life.

We've got the life.

We've got the life.

This is the city where we party every night.

We're doing things [inaudible].

Welcome to Hollywood.

Charmaine, get me out of this thing!

Oh!

[buzzing] -Kevin?

What?

Who's calling your phone at 5:30 in the morning, huh?

What? I don't know.

-It's one of your bitches? -What are you talking about?

It's probably a locksmith! -Hello.

I don't know who the [bleep] it is?

Kevin is [bleep], all right?

What'd you just say?

What?

Put it on speaker phone.

Oh, my god, it's grandma.

Put it on speaker phone!

It's on.

TRINA [ON PHONE]: Kevin it's Trina.

Huh? TRINA [ON PHONE]

TRINA [ON PHONE]: Yeah, grandma, mm-hmm.

Can you talk? -No!

I can't talk back, but I can hang.

What's going on?

TRINA [ON PHONE]: You've been nominated for--

Oh, another Razzie?

I told them, if they gonna blameanybody, blame Will Ferrell.

Stop bringing that shit to me.

TRINA [ON PHONE]: No, Kevin.

This is a Best Actor nomination from the Academy

for "Five Foot of Slave."

That is impossible.

Ain't no way in hell.

TRINA [ON PHONE]: I know.

That's what I said.

But it is true.

Turn on your TV.

If you're series, this is big.

No, this is bigger than big.

This is huge.

You know what's funny?

You told me I shouldn'tdo a comedy about slavery.

Well, you were wrong.

Matter of fact, I know what scene probably got them.

It's the scene where they cut off my foot,

and I had to do the cripple walk.

That's the scene that did it.

That's the scene that madethem say, you know what?

This guy deserves a nomination.

This is how I wowed them, OK?

Pay attention.

I said we ain't gonna bebailing no daggone cotton.

Master [inaudible].

[grunting]

Hey!

Congratulations.

To us. To you.

That's right. Oh.

Huh?

To us?

What's that horn for?

This is a beautiful thing.

Is Kanye here?

Introducing the nominee for Best Actor

in thecritically-acclaimed motion

picture "Five Foot of Slave,"for his stirring portrayal

of the 18th century revolutionary, Boy.

Gentleman, I give you the ghetto Othello, Sir Kevin Hart.

I knew it.

See, and I should've known all the horns

and stuff weren't for us.

Why you gotta make it about you, man?

Well, who else am I gonna make it about, Nick?

Well you invited us here.

I invited you here because I got nominated.

I wanted to celebrate.

I wanted y'all to see some things--

Well, you're not the only one.

Who else got nominated?

We all did!

For what?

Best Director.

Yep.

Best Support Actor in "Five Foot of Slave" for House Mulatto.

Are you kidding me?

And don't forget about me, [inaudible].

Oh-ho!

My god.

I play the role of Dare-dey-go,younger brother of Yassuh-boss.

Where the hell you got a gold fat suit?

What is that?

Really.

This is [bleep] funny.

It is?

This is my interpretation of the award I'm about to win.

Is it really?

Yes, it is.

Well, the award has wings, JB.

You think I can't bend my [bleep]

arms backwards like this.

Oh, that's wings right there.

That's wings.

That's improv.

Those are chicken wings.

This is stupid.

You had two lines, JB.

Two of the best lines in the whole damn movie.

What?

JB, don't-- JB-- here we go.

Massah, them boy's in the room with missy.

Rest.

[screeching]

One more time.

Oh,, dere dey go.

Dere dey go, massah.

All right, we get it.

We get it. We get it.

-Thank you, brother. -You captured that.

I don't want to hit you.

I'm not mad at you.

I'm mad at your dumb ass for directing that shit.

That was amazing!

Dere dey go?

An award-winning performance.

Dere dey go. Dere dey go.

Dere dey go-- it's a play on [bleep] words!

What words?

That was incredible.

You were a snitch the whole movie.

Know why I'm a snitch?

Because you stole my [bleep] pickle joke.

I did not steal your pickle joke.

It wasn't even in the script, JB.

Why don't you understand that, man?

that shit right now

I'm not-- I'm not-- I'm going to do it.

-You [bleep] did it. -I didn't--

And it was in the [bleep] movie because you stole the shit!

I did not steal your pickle joke!

That's my joke!

[bleep], Kevin.

OK, fine.

Set your [bleep] gold bond flared dressed ass-- what

the hell they nominate you for?

[bleep] the Academy.

You need to stop hanging out with Jada Pinkett.

KEVIN HART: Wait a minute. Hold on.

Wait, wait, wait.

[grunt]

What do you mean?

I want to know.

What-- what did they give you?

Oh, wait a minute.

I know that face.

Somebody didn't get nominated for nothing.

I did, but I turned it down.

Duane, you stop lying.

Only thing you ever turned down was financial advice.

Turned down for what?

He [inaudible] turned down.

I don't get it.

I played FrederickDouglass, [bleep] dammit.

I freed slaves.

I stopped Abraham Lincolnfrom getting assassinated.

I showed Harriet Tubman a shortcut.

I re-attached Kunte Kinte's foot.

I was Madam CJ Walker's first client.

You should've seen hisshit before she got to it.

What have I got to do to getrecognized by the Academy?

What have I got to do for nomination?

I guess I got to be a coon, orbuffoon, or a [bleep] playing a

spoon to get recognized by you.

Well you know what Academy?

Look at me now!

[spoon slapping]

KEVIN HART: Well, I guess the whole world was up at 5:00

in the morning.

Because my phone's been ringing off the hook ever since--

Michelle, listen to me.

I am excited.

OK?

This-- this is huge.

This is bigger than huge. You know what?

This is bigger than when Barack got elected.

Thank you for the congratulations call.

That's so sweet and sincere of you.

Well, Mariah, quit calling my phone!

I ain't never coming back!

I'll always be your baby though.

It's about the material matching the talent.

That's what I said.

What am I doing?

Well, I just signed a three picture deal with Tyler Perry.

The first is called "Madea Goes to Germany."

It's going to be exciting, yeah.

Look, I'm very excited about being nominated.

No, no.

I appreciate being nominated for supporting actor.

But I'm trying to find out why I wasn't

nominated for Best Actor.

Why not?

I know I only had two lines. I know.

It's not the quantity of the lines.

It's the quality of the line.

OK.

Listen up.

Dere dey go.

Uh-huh? [dial tone]

Hello?

Where did she go?

Seriously, like, what did you expect?

I always get overlooked for my work, "Seat Filler,"

"Above the Rim," "Inkwell," they were good movies.

[bleep] you to mom.

You picked my daddy.

Oprah, you better stop it.

Yeah.

No, I've been getting calls all morning, all morning.

I didn't mean to ignore you twice.

Listen, listen, let's do lunch.

We got to, to celebrate.

But I'm not paying.

You hear me?

You gonna pay that bill this time.

Hold on.

That's my other line.

Hello?

BRIDGETTE [ON PHONE]: Hey, hey, hey!

It's Bridgette.

Bridgette, why does your number come up as the White House?

BRIDGETTE [ON PHONE]: Because would you

answer it if it said Bridgette? -Listen to me.

Don't even explain it.

Whatever app you're using, you need to stop it.

Because it's illegal.

You hear me? Illegal.

BRIDGETTE [ON PHONE]: Listen, I'm

just trying to-- I was calling to congratulate

you on our nomination.

And we did it!

What do you mean?

First of all, we didn't do a damn thing.

You hear me?

Only thing we did, Bridgette, was get a divorce.

With that being said, good-bye.

Bye-bye.

Ha-ha!

What the hell is going on with you?

So listen, I didn'tthink you had the talent.

But we sure enough did it.

What do you think about this?

Is it too much?

I feel like I'm channeling my inner Beyonce.

No. You're not.

And I think you're always too much.

Bridgette, what the hell are you doing here?

And how the hell did you get in?

I need you to help me pick out a dress for the carpet.

And you know how I got in.

The same way I always get in, through the window.

OK.

I'm not helping you pick out anything.

What I want you to do is get your ass off my lawn

before your next dress will be a coffin.

A coffin, I don't think I've heard of that designer.

Is he new? -No, that's not--

I heard, like they're building something right next to Juicy.

Is that what that's called? -No.

That's not what that is.

You know, let's go. Let's go.

Get out. Let's go.

You don't have to touch me though.

I can walk.

Don't put your arm where I can't reach it.

I can walk. Don't you touch it.

Because if I have a bruise, I'll let the people

on the red carpet know. Don't touch.

Don't touch me.

KEVIN HART: Come on.

Guys, why are you guys wasting your time with this bullshit?

Huh?

You ever wonder why you got nominated?

Because the cream always rises to the top, Duane.

That's why I was nominated.

I'm a committed actor.

Right now my nuts are stuck to my thigh right now.

JB.

I'm committed!

This is not about talent, trust me.

OK.

This is what the guy who didn't get nominated always says.

I hate when people just-- open your eyes.

All right?

All right, last year nobody black got nominated.

OK.

So they nominated you guys to make up for it.

What this is, is white guilt.

What?

ROBIN THICKE: Hey, guys!

Wait a minute.

Speaking of white guilt.

I come bearing gifts.

Hey, buddy.

How are you doing, Duane?

Yeah, JB.

What are you giving gifts for?

Well, it's a celebration.

Isn't it?

Everybody got nominations.

I appreciate it.

Stop it, stop it, guys.

It's not no damn celebration.

It's because he feels guilty.

No.

I'm being sincere It's a big day for all of us.

We're brothers!

Stop it!

Sincere my ass!

Robin's mad because he picked the wrong year to be white.

[laughs]

No.

Actually, I did pretty well myself.

You know, I got a bunch of nominations for my portrayal

of a homosexual, paraplegic drug addict veteran in my directing

and acting and screenwriting debut.

What's the name of the movie?

"Marvin's Gay."

Oh, man.

Oh good. Congratulations, brother.

ROBIN THICKE: Thank you. Thank you very much.

Man you got it, baby. You're back.

Thank you for the gift too, man.

I would congratulate you, but I heard it through the grapevine

that that movie ain't shit.

Seven nominations.

Sounds like sour grapes to me.

Well, hey I got one for you too, Duane.

That's nice.

That's real nice.

I appreciate it, brother.

But I don't need your pity gift.

[shouts]

Diamond cuff links!

Have you lost your [bleep] mind, man?

How disrespectful was that?

Oh, JB!

JB!

JB!

Man, don't you guys get it?

You're only nominated because you're black!

You black, and you ain't get shit.

That's a good point there.

If that was true, then me being white and black

would have gotten half a nomination.

Same as me, man.

Me being black and my knees, having a difference--

I got nothing. I was trying to ride the wave.

It kind of comes in threes.

Well, the only thing is, I'm not black.

And I got seven nominations.

You got what?

Seven?

It's the of the best song, acting, screenplay.

He got seven nominations.

Robin may not be black.

But he's got a black man problems--

high blood pressure, drugs, child support.

Damn, he's blacker than me.

[muffled yells]

Papi!

Oh my goodness.

Do you think what is going on?

It is terrible.

The haters are burning your mannequin.

DAVID FAUSTINO [ON TV]: So, we started

the hashtag Hollywoodtooblack, because we feel like, well,

Hollywood's too black.

The Academy needs to recognize that white people

need to work too.

What the hell is Faustino talking about?

He's on a show, like, every other week.

DAVID FAUSTINO [ON TV]: So Rick Schroeder, Alicia Silverstone,

Scott Baio and myself, will not be attending

the Academy this year.

This is crazy.

Nobody invited you!

DAVID FAUSTINO [ON TV]: Instead, I'll

be at home watching the NBA, posting on my hashtag,

NBAtooblack blog.

And that might be changing soon.

Because, I mean I know, he's tall and goofy.

But Porzingis is really bringing us back.

Oh, stop it.

Porzingis is just as sorry as you, Faustino.

DAVID FAUSTINO [ON TV]: Let's make Hollywood great again!

[chants]

CROWD: Hollywood too black!

Hollywood too black!

Hollywood too black!

Hollywood too black!

[gasp]

Wait a minute.

Papi, is that Don King?

CROWD: Black characters matter!

CROWD: Hollywood too black!

CROWD: Black characters matter!

CROWD: Hollywood too black!

CROWD: Black characters matter!

Why the hell is Duane andMartin Luther King out marching

in front of my damn house?

In my damn yard!

Hey!

Hey!

CROWD: Black characters matter!

Hey Duane!

Duane, what the hell is going on?

What are you doing here?

Black characters matter, Kevin!

What?

They keep nominating coons and buffoons

and overlooking real heroes like me!

Let me tell you something, you're

going to be a wet hero if you don't get

the hell up out of here, Duane.

And I mean it!

Admit it, Kevin.

You only got a nomination because you

were a watermelon-eating tap-dancing pickaninny!

Pickaninny!

Pickaninny, huh?

I got your damn pickaninny.

Let me tell you something.

Quest love, huh?

Them roots are about to get real wet.

You here me?

Brace yourself.

Oh, you dirty [bleep].

Negro!

Think like a man, not like a boy!

[thud]

That's my baby!

[yells]

[yells]

Get your asses out!

All you all, get out!

JACKIE LONG: Daddy, you got it.

With that left.

Hey, hey, look at Duane.

Look how Duane hit the floor right here.

Look, look!

[laughs]

That's what I call a real punch!

That's what he gave right there.

JACKIE LONG: Hit him with that left!

[yells]

Watch, this.

Watch this, watch this!

JACKIE LONG: [inaudible]

I don't think you're understanding

the severity of the situation.

This thing has gone viral.

You've pissed everybody off.

Because of you, the black characters matters movement

has called for a boycott.

Ah, I've just booked to days on "Blackish."

Jackie, get your background acting ass out there and go

sit down.

OK.

I'm not background on this one, baby.

I got upgraded with lines.

Ha!

Slept with the AD.

I'm out of here.

You got a bathroom in your trailer?

No.

Then go take your port-o-potty-using

ass out there and sit down.

Yeah, see you, Kevin.

Background work is hard.

Got on with Tracee Ellis Ross.

So Kevin, you can kiss my blackish ass.

Listen to me.

If you think that I'm worried about Duane

and the rest of those losers, you've got

another thing coming, Trina.

Kevin, it's not even about that.

What is it about?

It is about you being seen on TV with your ghetto girlfriend.

Uh-uh.

[WHISPERING] She's not my girlfriend.

All right.

Get it right, grandma.

I'm not ghetto.

I'm hood.

That was never in question.

Look, the Academy frowns on this sort of behavior.

So if you want to win, for the next two months

you need to up your game and upgrade your entourage.

Hold on, Papi.

She thinks that I'm not classy enough to go

to the Academic Awards, Papi?

It's the Academy--

I don't think so.

But, baby, you've got to stop throwing those sunflower

seeds on the floor.

Yeah, well Papi, I don't have a beer can to throw them in.

What do you want me to do?

It's a good point.

All right.

But sure listen here, all right?

Lena Horne-face, this, me?

I am as classy as it comes, and you better believe it.

Hood for you.

Ooh, now if I didn't think that that could really be a dope ass

tattoo, I would kick your ass!

Hey, hey, hey!

Do I spend my hard-earned money at the dollar

store an red leather jackets for you to act all delirious?

Yeah, well Papi, she do this every time.

I do this every--

Every time.

Hey, that's enough.

You've made a plate out of my office.

That's enough!

That's my lady.

You hear me?

And if she can't go, then I can't go.

Exactly.

Because we cannot be separated.

That's right.

We like Nick and Mariah, baby.

They're divorced.

Batman and Superman.

Rivals.

Sonny and Cher.

He's dead.

Have you ever thought about "Jeopardy,"

because you're good.

Bottom line, this thing here is real.

Let us be.

Fine.

Kevin, fine.

Your decision.

Thank you.

Yeah.

See that?

When I say let me handle it, that means let me handle it.

I know, Papi. I know.

All right?

End of the day, you got a man's man, not a boy's man.

[knock]

Hey, sorry I'm late.

That's exactly what I'm talking about.

[bleep] Damn!

Hi.

Who in the hell is that?

It was supposed to be your escort to the Academy ceremony.

You mean like I can pay her for sex?

Not that kind of escort.

See, this is why I pay Trina the big bucks.

You have never paid me.

Trina, let me ask you a question.

If I play the lottery, and Iwin the jackpot, who else wins?

Let me ask you a question.

What question?

Do you know how much itcost to get a lottery ticket?

Trina, if I asked you some question like that,

you may not know the answer.

How much do two apples cost?

$1.87.

Wrong.

I'm talking about candy apples.

$7.99.

[gasp]

Girl, you strong!

I want to make a proposal.

Papi!

Oh!

Are you going to ask me to be Mrs. Kevin Hart?

Girl, hell no!

You know damn well, you don't stand a chance that.

I said I want to make a proposal.

I got something good for you.

What?

I want to take you to the Source Awards.

Oh, you think that I'm an idiot, don't you?

Wait a minute. Hey, hey.

Hey.

Kevin, whatever!

You know damn well you can't get me no tickets

to the Source Awards.

What you talking about?

What you talking about?

I can!

The Source?

Yes!

This is really awkward.

I know.

Do these look like the eyes that are going to lie to you?

No.

All right.

You promise?

Listen, listen.

Not only do I promise, I promise.

OK?

Oh, that's my baby.

OK.

OK.

Listen to me.

I got you.

OK.

OK.

He's mine, you little trophy bitch.

[clearing throat]

[laugh]

She's special.

Not really.

Girl, come here.

Let me look at you.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh!

Look at what the water done blew in.

Oh, for the love of Kentucky!

I done chopped down some trees in my past.

Girl, I got a black car.

OK?

How about me and you do some shopping?

Yeah.

I'm talking the good kind, get you

some better attire so people don't judge you the way I did.

We can clean you up good, like "Pretty

Woman," but with a black girl.

I know what you're thinking.

How low can one go toget her clients front row

camera seats to the most prestigious award

show of the season?

Do you like getting your toes sucked.

[sucking sounds]

Hmm?

Girl, I do all ten of them [bleep].

Whatever you're thinking of, wherever

the low bar is that you're imagining,

just a little lower than that.

Yeah.

KEVIN HART: Next week on "Real Husbands of Hollywood."

What the hell are you all doing here?

[gun shots]

Who the hell invited you all over here?

I did!

Are you all still shucking and jiving

to the white man's award show?

You can all just kiss your little careers good-bye.

That's right.

The brothers and sisters are boycotting.

I don't give a damn what back folks think.

I'm running for governor.

So I need the black vote.

We are going to unite!

On three, 1, 2, 3.

[bleep] the Academy!