Original subtitles

You gotta hustle for what you want.

And you know what?

People are gonna doubt you.

They're gonna tell you you're too short, you're too dumb,

you're not funny, you're not good in bed.

But that's just noise.

And you know what I do with that noise?

I turn it into music, and that music turns

into the beat of my hustle.

Because when all else fails, I can out-hustle you, especially

when I'm wearing my Hart Beats.

Ow!

Man, you gotta watch where the hell you going.

I'm sorry, man.

OK, sorry didn't do it, you did.

If I'd have got my sneakers dirty, I swear-- just go.

Let me finish my run.

Phew.

THEME SONG: This is the life.

We got the life.

This is the city where we party every night.

We do it big.

Diamonds and gold.

Welcome to Hollywood.

Welcome to Hollywood.

Then stop showing off and give us a pair!

I couldn't even get a pair,and I came up with the name.

Shoe sold out in 15 minutes,fastest shoe selling ever.

It was crazy.

Whatever.

It's only because they made 100 pair.

It's called limited edition, Nick.

I don't give a damn if it's called

New Edition with yourMichael Bivens looking ass.

You-- you know what?

It needs to be called the unwanted edition.

-Only thing that was unwanted, -Nick, was RadioShack.

And guess what?

You bought it.

So just shut up.

You shut up, Bivens.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I see you locked up the premium liquor.

I had to use well drinks.

Why you in my shit, Bridgette?

Wait, more important question.

How did you get past the raccoon traps?

You know what?

I don't have time for your bullshit.

Where is my son?

He locked up in the basement.

You-- you better not play with me.

-Oh, hush. -Where is my son?

He by the pool.

Why you so dramatic?

You left my baby by the pool?

KJ!

KJ!

Hi, Mommy.

Get your hands off my son, Twerquanda.

Don't you start, bitch.

Don't you tell me not to start.

How dare you have one ofyour little Hennessy-colored

tropical bitches around my son?

What you don't understand isthat's what your son likes.

Kevin?

Um, excuse me.

You know, I see this is a family moment, so I'm just gonna go.

-OK. -OK?

-You OK, all right? -Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you OK for now.

Till you don't get out of here.

Then you won't be OK.

[growling]

Stop that.

Stop it.

You picked the wrong one, Starpisha.

Stop it.

Don't you tell me what to do, because I

see what's going on here.

You are as low as they come.

You are using my son to get some ass.

No, you got it all wrong.

That boy is using me to get some ass.

Look at him.

Is it that obvious?

Get your little fast ass in the car now!

KJ, you do not move.

You hear me.

You stay there.

I'm your father.

You leave, she will hit me.

Stay here.

No, what I'm trying to tell you-- damn it, KJ!

You breaking the code, son!

Look, you are really a mitch.

You just give me my baby shoes so I could be on my way.

That is fine.

Jackie!

JACKIE: [hooting]

[hooting]

-What's wrong, y'all Deltas? -Hey, man.

Jackie, do me a favor.

Go upstairs.

Go get those Hart Beats so I can give them to KJ, please.

Oh, wait, man.

You wanted those for KJ?

You told me give them to Trina.

No, no, I'm not talking about that pair.

I'm talking about the other pair.

Wait a minute, man.

You wanted me to keep those.

Well now, next time, you gotta tell

a brother these things, man.

I want my son's shoes for his birthday.

This year!

Don't walk on my grass!

Bridgette.

Fine, fine.

What'd you do with the shoes, Jackie?

Look, I kinda gave them to Tiffany.

You gave the shoes to Tiffany?

Yeah, man.

What?

I swear, Jackie, if you didn't owe me $2 million in IOUs,

I would whoop your ass right now.

Wait, it's not 2 million no--

Hand kick.

Come on.

Don't do that, Kevin.

Uh, excuse me?

What the hell is going on here?

Oh, the guys are teaching me how to play strip poker.

DUANE: Yeah, and she's winning, too.

Yup.

Guess I gotta take of my pants.

Nick, boy, don't you take your pants off in my house.

Nobody's trying to see no [bleep] shots around here.

She said she wanted to see something incredible.

Jackie, you got me out here walking around in the street

like I'm a regular person.

Man, she meeting me in the all-- whoa.

This the van right here. -Is this it?

This is it.

Tiffany!

Tiffany?

Tiff--

Tiffany?

Tiffany. -Oh, uh-uh.

Kevin, back up. -What you talking--

Uh-uh. Back to the business door.

This is the residential door.

What?

TIFFANY: Who is it?

Tiffany, open this damn door or I'll--

How can I help you?

What do you want?

What's up?

But what the hell is this, Tiffany?

You got them Hart Beats, I'm in these hard streets.

I got a network of Hollywood flunkies

that I pay to slide me their bosses' unwanted treasures.

I'm like a recycling service, except my wallet's in green.

This is stolen stuff.

Uh-uh, I'm like Robin Hood.

I rob from the rich, and I sell it to the richer.

-That's what you do, huh? -Yeah.

That's what all this stuff is out here?

Move, Jackie. -Yeah.

That's what all this hot stuff is?

It's not hot.

This is thing is smoking.

What the hell?

This my People's Choice Award?

Oh, you should have been there to accept it.

Jackie.

Really, Jackie?

I need it, Kev.

I had--

Boy, if I find out you on that stuff, Jackie, I swear.

Your nose been dripping left and right.

I've been ignoring it.

Not today.

Not today, yet.

Jackie-- OK, look let's just cut to the chase.

Where the shoes that Jackie stole?

I don't got them.

I shipped them things out UPS.

OK, then you better get them back.

I can't get them back.

I don't know where they are.

See, I use a dark website called TwoDollarDogs.com.

That's where I get my customers from, right?

And I send it to them, and then they send it to the customers.

I don't know who they are, I don't know where they at,

and I really don't give a shit, as long as I get my money.

You feel me?

Great.

[beeping]

Which just came through.

Thank you very much, yes.

Let me ask you a question, Jackie.

What am I supposed to get KJ for his birthday?

She has stuff.

Oh, I got just the thing.

I got just the thing, man.

I got these OG MC Hammer pants.

What?

He wore these in a Taco Bell commercial back in the day.

Oh, that's just a little taco sauce stain right here.

That's nothing.

First of all, that's not a taco stain, OK?

That's a dried-up baby in the front of those pants.

OK, can't touch this.

All right, I see that this doesn't thrill you,

but I got the thing that will.

I got that Michael Jackson "Thriller" jacket.

What?

$3,500.

That's a steal.

If you get that, you a smooth criminal.

KEVIN: $3,500 for a "Thriller" jacket.

You can't beat it.

[MICHAEL JACKSON VOICE] Sha-mon!

Cause you got to get the get to got to-- hee hee!

NICK: Yo, how'd Tiffany get a pair of your shoes?

Dumbass Jackie.

He sold them to her, man.

Some bright web or something like that.

The dark web.

That's exactly what it was.

It's, uh, TwoDollarDogs.com.

Yo, that's-- that's my website.

You know what?

Why am I acting like I'm surprised?

I should've known that shit.

I want my shoes back.

Look, I'm just the middle man in this situation.

-Shake, I want my shoes back. -Kev, look.

I'm sure you can find them, man.

It's no big deal.

Let me see.

[chime]

Boom.

There they go right there.

They only 250.

Dude, you just saved me from getting mauled by Bridgette.

So how do I get them?

What do I do?

Uh, just put your credit card information in here,

and they all yours, bro.

How about I send your information

to the bankruptcy court, hmm?

Oh, I can give you a promotional code.

Thank you.

You think you can do that for me?

-Yeah, I got you, man. -He was trying to get over.

[chime] -Boom.

Look, look, look, look.

Someb-- somebody just bought them.

What?

DUANE: Yo, and he just sold them.

For what?

For what?

For $5,000?

[knocking]

Like the damn police.

Oh, God, that's why.

Yes, Bridgette?

Where are the shoes, Kevin?

Package for Kevin Hart.

Excuse me, I'm-- oh, Jesus.

We're divorced, so if you've got a package for me--

This is all I have.

That's not all you have.

I bet you have another package.

I bet it's pink, and I'd like to--

OK, that's enough.

OK, let me sign for the package.

Signature, please.

Flirting in front of my face.

Thank you.

Here, what I'm talking about.

What the hell happened to my Hart Beats, man?

I don't know.

But those look like they should be for ho's feet, which should

be the name of your little company, because all you are

is a little ho.

Just shut up.

Two seconds.

Let me think for a second.

You know what?

I will shut up, Kevanjanay.

OK.

But when I call TNT, I'm gonna have a lot to say

if you don't get those shoes.

It's TMZ, dumbass.

No, I meant TNT.

You know how I do.

[screaming]

Kaboom!

[SINGING] I like cheese on my sandwiches.

You get my sneakers from Trina?

She not giving you your sneakers, man.

She says she owe you the same thing you

give her-- not a damn thing.

Did you see my sneakers there, Jackie?

Yeah, I saw the sneakers.

I mean, they was right there behind the desk.

I was, like, about to grab them, but she was dressed like she

was going to kickboxing class.

I said, nope, not doing it.

Then she said something about her godson coming

to pick them up tomorrow.

The hell he is.

What?

OK.

This what we about to do, Jackie.

What we gonna do?

We about to pull a "Mission Impossible" on her ass.

Ooh.

[spy music]

-Coast is clear, Jackie. -Mucho?

Yeah.

Let's go.

Shh.

What the hell you doing, Jackie? -What?

What? -Put out the lights.

Put out the damn lights.

That's what we got flashlights for.

Let me see.

Now, show me where the stuff is, man.

Well, let's see. It's somewhere around here.

The shoes.

Right here. Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Right there, right there!

Right there! -Over here?

Yes.

It gotta be in there, man.

I know it is.

Oh!

Yo, she got like a pound of sticky icky over here.

Kev, you gotta get me a hit.

Here, you take the whole thing, you junkie.

I love it even more.

A junkworm, that's what you are.

Condoms and panties and bongs and stuff?

She a freak.

A real freak freak, ain't she?

Jackie, I got them, I got them.

Let's go. Come on.

-No, not yet, not yet. -What?

What, Kevin?

What you doing?

I need validation.

Oh, man, if you wanted that, I would've been told you.

Look, your shirt, nice, but you could've

got some different pants.

I'm talking about parking, Jackie.

Oh, I didn't know what you meant.

KEVIN: I'm not paying the $15 to get up out of here.

Shh, shh, shh.

[keys jangling]

Oh, I think somebody breaking into the office.

Make like--

What the [bleep]?

I knew you was gonna try some shit.

KEVIN [VOICEOVER]: After dumbass Shake had me buying Dorothy's

Louboutin ruby slippers, which just happened to fit

the wicked witch Bridgette, the brainless scarecrow, Jackie

Long, came up with a brilliant idea.

A place where you could find any sneaker in the world.

I'm talking about Sneakerchella, people.

This is sneaker heaven.

I'm not gonna lie about that.

JACKIE: Sneakerchella, they definitely

got every shoe up in the world.

They better have the Hart Beats, man.

Wait a minute.

What the hell is that?

JACKIE: That's ass.

That's a lot of ass.

No, I'm talking about the sign.

JACKIE: Oh, that's a cutout.

KEVIN: When did I do that?

JACKIE: I don't know.

Why you asking me?

Go over here to the steps.

Figure out what's going on.

All right.

What's up, player?

All right, that's cool.

Well, uh, look, we just want to go upstairs

and talk a little business and, you know, we-- we

right back down.

No.

We at capacity.

Capacity?

Yes.

Jackie, Jackie, watch out.

Back up, back up.

Don't know why I ask you to do nothing.

Hey, lookee here.

Oh, wow.

Wow, wow, wow.

The little dude I chocked out on the plane.

Sir, didn't I tell you?

Didn't I tell you?

Oh, shit, huh?

-You didn't choke me out. -No, I choked you out.

You didn't-- no, I'm not trying to go at it with you,

you hear me?

The reason why you're at capacity is because of this.

Come on, brother.

I'm not trying to lose another job because of you.

From the looks of the size of your shirt,

doesn't look like they wanted you here in the first place.

Oh, goodness.

Thank you.

Don't mind if I do.

Jackie, you see this?

They got a barber and everything up here.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

What the-- oh, that's Nick.

I'll be right back.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Nick, what the hell are you doing here?

Why'd you go grab up all my sneakers, Nick?

Well, you know, you told me they only made 100 pair.

So I bought them-- all.

It's called being a businessman, Kevin.

Something you don't know nothing about.

You know damn well I wanted those sneakers, Nick.

Hey, well, if you want them, you can have them.

You just gotta pay for them.

What you talking about?

Ain't nobody paying you for shit!

Hart Beats.

You got a size 8?

Yup.

Last two pair left.

Nah, I ain't gonna do it. [bleep] you, Nick.

That's right, I said it.

Let's go, Jackie.

And cut a shag back there.

What the hell?

JACKIE: And we gonna pay for everything--

Jackie!

What?

You ain't worth a damn, a damn.

Fine.

I'll take it, Nick.

Oh, can't take those.

Ran out.

What you ran out?

I'm looking at the sneakers right now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But those belong to the Sheikh of Dubai's monkey.

Gonna give me 75 grand for them.

75 grand?

Bananas, right?

Look, but you can make me an offer.

I got an offer for you, all right.

How about I watch "Chi-raq" with my eyes open?

Pleasure not doing business with you, Kev.

All right, fine, fine, fine.

I'll give you 75 grand for the sneakers.

Did I say 75?

Make it 100.

100 grand?

Yes.

You must be out your unincredible mind, Nick.

Oh, so you're telling me you're happy to say

your son is not worth 100 thou?

Uh, yes, that's exactly what I'm telling you. [bleep] him.

Hey, Kev.

Oh, Nick, you got some incredible stuff.

How they sound? How they sound?

What? I can't hear you.

Say it again.

How they sound?

You got some good stuff.

Jackie, shut your-- shut up.

I'm over here conducting business, Jackie.

Fine, Nick, you win.

I'll give you the 100 grand.

Sorry, just sold them.

[bleep] you.

I hope you die again.

I swear--

JACKIE: Kev--

What, Jackie?

I found the shoes.

You found the what?

What you saying?

I know this guy that know where to get them, OK?

They call him the Sneaker Don.

OK.

Ooh, nah, nah, nah.

That's gonna end bad

Ain't nothing gonna end bad for me, Nick.

You know why?

Because I'm a winner.

A winner!

With a capital P. Let's get out of here, Jackie.

Wait a minute.

I'm so sick of all this damn incredible shit.

Get him, Kev!

Get it!

Kev!

Not my head.

I need my head.

You better get that shit off.

If you gonna do the same thing to my poster,

you got another thing coming.

What the hell is this man?

Ooh, this is nice as hell.

Nice my ass.

Man, where do you have me at, dude?

Look, man, he told us to meet him here, OK?

I'm just looking around. -Who?

Who is he?

Can I speak?

Yeah, well, speak.

SNEAKER DON: Jackie.

There he go.

That's my guy.

Kev, this is him, the Sneaker Don.

OK, this is gonna get you your Hart Beats, baby.

Jackie, that's a damn kid.

Some people think you're a kid, too, Kevin.

Shut your ass up.

Man, I'm just saying.

Hey, man.

How you doing?

They got their attitudes up or something?

You gotta give him $500, Kevin.

I'm not giving that boy no damn $500.

He can kiss my ass 500 times.

Nah, Kev, I don't think you wanna

tell a kid to kiss your ass just like Michael Jackson.

You don't want that.

What? What?

First of all, when did you start speaking a foreign language?

Look, man, I've seen "Rocky IV" 37 times, all right?

Something said do not ask your dumb ass, and I did anyway.

Just tell me what the boy said.

[gibberish]

What?

Talk to me in English.

Don't speak that shit to me.

Now, what he'd say?

He want your jacket.

Damn that, brother.

I'm not giving nobody my damn jacket.

He not getting this damn jacket.

Let me tell you something.

I will open for Katt Williams butt

naked in the rain with flip flops

on before I give up this damn jacket.

Hurry up and give it to him.

Damn money.

One, two, three, four, five.

Here, $500, man.

Where the Hart Beats at?

Oh, I don't have them.

He just made me give him the money,

now he say he don't have them?

Boy, you better get them before I jump in your ass.

Hart Beats are way out of my reach.

I know who can get them.

Who?

The Sneaker Lord.

Who the [bleep] is the Sneaker Lord, man?

The Sneaker Lord [russian].

Boy, I know if you don't-- whoa.

Come on, now. -Look at that chin.

That chin came at us wrong.

This boy look like he ready to snap.

That little boy was ready to go, wasn't he?

Look, he said the Sneaker Lord is everywhere.

Who is the Sneaker Lord, Jackie?

I don't know.

You just shit?

Did you fart?

Did you shit?

-Ain't my jacket. -And where is your jacket from?

Did you wipe your ass?

I wiped my ass and crotch.

Did you wipe it good?

Shit, I don't think I--

Oh, boy.

Well, well, well.

Kevin Hart.

Looks like Fat Jesus done started using a lap band.

-Or is it P90 -X?

Or maybe you're doing "Hip Hop Abs."

You on that lemon pepper water diet?

I'm asking you. You look good.

Shut up.

You know what happened to you last time.

Yeah, I remember last time very well.

I chin-checked your ass, that's what happened.

Come on.

Come on!

That's what I thought.

NOAH: Little man's got a big mouth.

Whoa.

It's cool, killer.

Just say the word.

I know.

Where the hell all these damn kids coming from, Jackie?

I don't know, but find out the word.

What size you need?

I need a size 8, man.

Well, today's your lucky day.

Killer, go get them.

Don't let another little boy walk up on me like that again,

Jackie.

Do you see how big these [bleep]-damn kids is?

That's them right there, man.

Not yet.

You're not gonna get it that easy.

Come on, man.

What you talking about?

You gotta do something for me.

Look, you better get your damn hands off me.

You think y'all two gonna take me in the back

room and have your way with me?

Is that what you think?

A little kid-on-kid fun with an adult in the middle?

Not today!

I suggest you tell me what you really want.

I want you to eat some pie.

What?

I ain't eating no damn pie, man.

You gonna eat it.

That's that same nasty-ass pie from season 1.

Kev, it can't be that bad.

Uh-uh, no, no.

This pie nasty.

This pie nasty as hell.

Eat it for KJ.

Gimme the pie.

JACKIE: Hey, Kevin.

It's probably got all types of gluten and protein.

Just eat it.

Damn that.

I wouldn't eat that shit potato pie.

For you, KJ.

For you, son.

I ate the pie.

Gimme the sneakers, man.

Oh, that was just one slice.

You got some more eating to do.

What the hell you talking about?

Killer, show him the rest.

[knocking]

Wait.

Goodness, girl.

What in the hell is so [bleep]-damn important I had

to leave our son's birthday party to come all the way over

here to-- what in the hell?

That is not mine.

You damn right this is not yours.

I would die before I let you [bleep] in me.

What you need to do is get a good look

at what you really did.

I damn near caught diabetes trying

to get this boy these shoes. -Kev, what?

Huh? -Here.

What is that?

These are Hart Beats.

Boy, he is so over Hart Beats.

It's all about the Steph Currys now.

You skinny heifer.

Girl, if I could reach down and grab my shoes,

I'd throw it at your head right now.

Is that what you brought me all the way over here for?

-Yes. -Boy, bye.

Ain't nobody got time for that.

Looking like a dark peach. -Hey, hey, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

All this talk about basketball has got me wanting

to throw you a bounce pass.

[fart]

Oh, my god!

Kevin, stop it!

You are blowing out my eyelashes and my hair!

Kevin, that smells like a-- oh!

Woo!

I can see my [bleep] again.