Original subtitles

KEVIN HART [VOICEOVER]: I decided to switch things up

for the premiere of my 15th movie this year

and host a screening at my house for a few friends

and some loyal critics.

People are going to be surprised.

See, this movie is different from anything

that I've done before.

It's called "Gettin' Hard While Riding

Along & Thinking Like a Man While Your Wedding Rings."

I told you.

You ain't never seen nothing like it.

I know you must have enjoyed the film.

Oh.

Honestly, there's so much to talk about now.

Yeah.

Let's go outside, where it's more quiet.

Let's.

I heard Bill Cosby was bartending this thing.

[laughter]

That's funny, huh?

Oh, shit, I'm on a roll.

So drink-- drink up, ladies.

Hoo-hoo, hoo-hoo-hoo!

[laughing uncontrollably]

You're killing me!

Corny Cornell boy, you killing me.

Do I know you, bro?

You don't remember that time I took you to the talent contest

in Chicago?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It helped launch your career.

Remember that?

I don't-- I don't remember that.

As a matter of fact, uh, security.

Hey, when you're a star,everybody wants to take credit

for your success.

Security.

Hey, man, we [inaudible].

Security.

Come on, man.

Well, I got to go, man.

Hey, Cornell, you don't remember that, though, huh?

Hey, Cornell.

That was my deal, Cornell!

Hey, girl, he gonna forget you like he forgot me.

[inaudible]

Huh.

And honestly, I feel like this is my best work to date.

Mm.

Uh, I mean, I stole every scene that I

was in, including the one that we're shooting right now.

[chuckling]

Yes.

It's a joke.

OK, that's good.

I have everything I need here.

So--

Oh, great, great.

So when can I give it a read?

Well, right now.

[phones ringing]

All right.

[grunts]

See what it says.

[chuckle]

"Maybe playing a sidekick in his new movie,

Kevin Hart proves that he is a one-trick pony--

and that trick is not acting-- and that he should

be side-kicked to the curb.

What is perhaps the worst performance

in Hollywood history"?

OTHERS: Damn!

Damn.

THEME SONG: This is the life.

This is the life.

We got the life.

We got the life.

This is the city where we party every night.

We do it big.

[inaudible]

[laughing]

What you talking at?

-Oh, nothing. -Let me see it.

-No, no, it's nothing. -Let me see it.

It's nothing. It's nothing.

There is something.

Nothing.

How was the, um, screening.

KEVIN HART: Well, you beento one, you been to them all.

OK?

These critics are really haters.

I just don't get it.

Kevin Hart is the same in every movie.

Huh?

I'm Kevin Hart, duh.

What am I supposed to be?

Don Cheadle?

Definitely not him.

Russell Crowe?

There's no chance you'd be mistaken for him either.

Keanu Reeves?

What I think they might be saying

is just, you know, that maybe you

should try some differentthings, like maybe

some more serious roles.

Girl, you must be in my head.

That's why I'm here.

I'm thinking about going on Broadway.

It's a play.

It's called "Raising a Negro in the Sun."

Now, the producer that's doing it, you know him.

Mm-hmm?

So I'm like, why don't you make these calls,

connect these dots?

No, first of all, it's called "A Raisin in the Sun."

I we're talking about the same play.

We-- we are.

I think it's on Broadway, and it's--

-Yeah.-But it's "A Raisin in the Sun."

There are several Negros, andit's, you know, cast full of--

That's the one I'm talking about.

That is the same one that I'm talking about,

but it's called "A Raisin in the Sun."

-No. -You know what?

We'll just agree to disagree.

I want to do that play too.

Yeah.

There is no play called "Agree to Disagree."

See, here we go again.

We're back at it. -OK.

If you're going to do any play on Broadway, all right,

you're going to want to prepare.

I'm already started.

I stopped using sunscreen like two weeks ago.

Yeah, no SPF.

None.

A neck getting black.

I'm talking that disgusting piece of black right here.

So when I go into the room, first thing they're

gonna say-- hey, are you ready?

I'm gonna say, look at my neck.

Huh?

Raise this Negro in the sun.

What I was talking about, you know, just learn how to act.

Have you considered taking a class maybe?

They teach that?

Yes.

Acting classes?

Yes, they do.

You can go to school for that?

I do know of a class that all of my top clients attend.

Well, I'm one of your top clients.

So I don't know who you're referring to.

No, that would be, uh, DiCaprio.

-Ah! -Then--

Way bigger.

--Denzel.

Trump him.

Well, somewhere way down the list is you after--

I mean, like, Kermit the Frog--

Back up, back up, back up.

What?

You got Kermit?

Yeah.

Kermit the Frog is your client?

-Absolutely. -Ooh!

Go way back.

You know what?

You convinced me.

I don't really represent Kermit the Frog.

He's a puppet, like Kevin.

But I knew that if I said that, it

would convince him to get thehelp he so desperately needs.

[music playing]

[whistling]

Yo, man, you need to try these.

Right on.

No problem.

Loogy?

What the [bleep] is your dirty ass doing in my house?

Come on, man.

You know these hotels right here are expensive, man.

Plus, I figured you're worth about 60 million.

And 10% of that got to be mine considering

all the stuff I did for you.

All you did?

You gave me a ride, Loog.

I knew your ass remembered.

I gave you a [bleep] ride right to superstardom

the way it looks to me.

We were in the same car, man.

All I owe you is gas mon-- you know what?

[claps]

[sighs]

I get it, Loog.

There you go, baby.

Now, is that better?

We even?

I don't want your [bleep] damn money.

I want justice, man.

Because if it wasn't for me giving you that ride,

it would've be me tip-drilling or me going down,

down on Miss Jackson or "shimmy, shimmy, Cocoa Puff."

I want to get on the tour bus to the good life.

Hey, you want some cheese on these eggs?

Nah, I'm good.

You sure?

Yeah, and what the [bleep] is that smell?

Look, I don't know about the tour bus.

But he can use two or three baths definitely.

KEVIN HART [VOICEOVER]: Since I was ready to up my acting game,

I decided to swallow my pride and take an acting class.

Luckily, Trina knew the best one in town.

Boris!

Boris!

Thanks.

What's up, man?

What's up, man?

Hey. Wait a minute.

Good to see you.

Wait, is this-- is this beginners' section?

Where's the advanced section at?

This is the advanced section, Kevin.

Then why are you in it?

All right, everybody.

[clears throat, claps]

We're about to get started.

Come on, let's have a seat.

Talking to these people like that, Boris.

Don't you sit in that chair. Boris.

Sit down.

Hey, I'm not trying to get on no teacher's bad side.

Kevin, I am the teacher.

Well, ain't this some bullshit.

How in the hell can a badactor teach people how to act?

Heh.

Well, y'all know the saying.

Those who can't do can't do shit.

My acting school is world renowned.

I've taught everyone, fromMeryl Streep to Mo'Nique.

DiCaprio-- yeah, he got anOscar after taking my class.

I taught him how to fight abear, because being in my class

is like fighting a bear.

Out, out, brief candle.

Life's but a walkingshadow, a poor player that

struts and frets his hour upon the stage

and then is heard no more.

It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,

signifying nothing.

[applause]

I'm blown away.

I'm blown away.

Oh my god.

Yes.

What the [bleep] was that?

It's, um--

[babbles]

You just took the words of Shakespeare,

and you pooped on it.

Oh, god.

You thought you could just bullshit your way

through the scene, huh, like you did with the Huey

P. Newton one-man show.

Ha-ha!

I know you won an Obie.

Beautiful.

For that piece of shit!

Oh.

So why don't you do the right thing?

Sit your m-m-m-m-mother [bleep] ass down.

And let me teach you how to be a real p-p-p-p-p-performer.

Ooh!

Ain't no way in hell I'ma let somebody who

was in "The Gospel" yell at me.

And that's the gospel.

KEVIN HART: I call.

I call, I call, I call. [inaudible]

What you gonna do, Loogy?

I don't know, man.

Look, I got these lotto tickets in my pocket.

I'm quite sure one of those a winner.

Get the-- what?

[inaudible]

This ain't no damn shuck-and-jive joint.

This is a high-rolling poker game.

Man, it's a house game, man.

-Lighten up. -I'm not lightening up.

Look at him.

You know what?

It's cool, B. It's cool.

I'm out.

Like I was in '99, Cornell.

OK, I don't know what the hell that was.

What does that mean? [inaudible]

Nothing, nothing.

Come on, burn and turn. -Ready?

Burn and turn, gentlemen.

Bu and turn.

LOOGY: Damn!

Ace of spade!

That was my card!

Well, it's my card now, baby.

Flush. Read 'em and weep.

[bleep], man.

[laughter]

Hey, you know what, man?

I'm out, man.

Hey, hey, brother.

Hey, man.

I don't know where you think you at.

Ain't no shoes allowed at my house, man.

OK? -What you talking about, shoes?

These are my feet.

I thought they was gray Chucks.

Lift up your pants.

You're tripping.

Oh my goodness.

Slave feet, did you see that?

Whoa, if that.

I don't know, man. -Hey, Kev.

Yo.

You know, it's been two weeks.

You need to put up your scene in my class.

I'm never going to do it, Boris.

What?

KEVIN HART: After seeing the way you operate, man.

You cussed out Tom Hanks, Boris.

-What? -Well?

Well?

You cussed out Forrest Gump?

Well, he needed some help.

The worst actor in the world cussed out

the best actor in the world.

That's exactly what happened.

I saw it, witnessed it with my own eyes.

Ridiculous, Boris.

Anyway, what's up with your boy?

Whoa, whoa, that's not my friend.

That's not my friends.

I thought he was, like, a lunatic or something, man.

No, he's not a lunatic.

He's not my friend.

Is he homeless?

No, he's not homeless.

Ain't he living with you?

No, he's not living with me.

Technically, he's trespassing.

Just kick him out.

I-- I can't kick him out.

It's not that easy.

Well, you did it to Ashanti.

KEVIN HART: He did.

That was a lot easier.

What-- what is going on?

Let the cat out the bag.

He knows what was on that bus.

He knows what's on the bus.

He don't know what was on the bus!

[gasp]

He wrote the lyrics to "Hot in Herre."

[gasp]

He wrote "Hot in Herre."

Oh, shit.

No, he didn't.

Yes, he did.

No, he did not write the lyrics to "Hot in Herre."

Well, not all of it.

The guy helped me get started, all right?

If you want to know the truth, that's it.

So he's like your Miyagi.

What?

He's like your sensei.

KEVIN HART: There you go.

You know, he's the guy who first

inspired you to do what you do.

Yeah, everybody has one of those.

-Yeah, I have one. -You got one?

-Yeah. -Who's yours?

It was like a tennis coach at home.

He gave a nappy-headed German boy his first tennis racket.

I don't believe you had hair, first of all.

-Touche. -I'll never forget him.

-Can't be tripping. -I bought him a house.

What about you?

Mine was a heckler.

Told me I wasn't gonna make it, told me I wasn't funny.

Uh, told me I was unattractive sometimes.

After I married her, I was like, whatevs, right?

We got a divorce.

And then what she did, she went and bought

a house with my money.

Anyway, you want to be true to your Miyagi.

Mm.

Because you don't want the negative karma to haunt you,

Nelly.

I guess you guys are right, man.

I do kind of owe the guy.

That's your Miyagi.

You got to-- what the--

[urinating]

Is he pissing in my pool, man?

Hey, man!

You pissing in our pool?

I don't care about the piss.

But I swear, if your feet touch that water,

you gon' pay for that!

Hey!

[music playing]

Ahh.

Rice, peas, carrots in a frittle frat frim.

Hey, [bleep], look, didn't I tell

you to stop showing everybody in the hood

that [bleep] damn tape, man?

Don't worry about that tape, man.

Ain't shit gonna happen.

Bullshit.

My reputation of reputation's on the line, not yours.

Yeah, you know what?

You sound like a little [bleep] right now.

You paranoid right now, huh?

They smoke your cousin, man, in front of your face.

Now, what you gon' do about it, mother [bleep]?

I'ma call [inaudible]. I'ma call Tony.

You know what we gonna do?

We gonna ride up there, and we gonna

smoke them mother [bleep].

I don't give a shit who's around.

Everybody gets smoked.

Everybody get the hammer.

Every mother [bleep] in that room can die!

Mm.

Just ride.

[applause]

Now, that's how O-Dog should have done the whole movie.

If-- if I had been around back then,

I would've went out for it.

No, no, no, I was playing O-Dog,

so the compliment actually was directed to me. [inaudible]

I see growth, Roger.

This performance was much better than what

you do in "Malcolm X."

Well, he got game.

All the other Spike Lee movies you're only working.

Give him a hand.

[applause]

Good job.

Well done.

Give this guy a hand.

-Well, give me a hand too. -Because--

Yes.

--this guy is just--

BORIS KODJOE: You're welcome.

You're welcome.

--taking us through and making this work, people.

It's-- it's from my heart.

Yeah.

Lucky to have him.

Oh, yes.

Aah!

What the?

You hit my lip, man.

You did the exact same thing you've

always done in all of your movies, and it was atrocious.

Boris, I don't know what the hell you talking about.

My movies have grossed damn near a billion dollars.

Well, so does toilet paper.

And there's poo-poo caca all over it too.

Now, listen to me, you terrible little piece of acting shit!

Yeah, cry, [bleep].

I'm gonna make you a better actor,

even if I have to kill you.

You know why?

Because I love you.

I love you.

[whimpering]

Let it out, Kevin!

[crying]

KEVIN HART [VOICEOVER]: The next couple of weeks in Boris's

acting class were hell.

Keep crying.

KEVIN HART [VOICEOVER]: I don't know why I kept going back.

But that's what I do.

Bresha Webb start takingthe class with her fine ass.

Damn, Gina.

When you gonna let [inaudible] feel those lips?

BORIS KODJOE: What was that?

Ow!

Laura, you're the prettiest girl in the whole wide world.

BORIS KODJOE: More emotion.

Ow!

[clap]

Mama, you know they killed daddy?

And I heard they killed him with some dynamite!

BORIS KODJOE: What the [bleep] was that?

Ah.

I promise you, if Borishit me one more damn time--

More emotion.

[whimpers]

The guys were right.

I did look up to Loogy back in the day.

Matter of fact, we all did.

He didn't want to be me.

I wanted to be him.

He was the coldest rapper in the Lou.

He was my Miyagi.

Loog, let's talk.

Look, man, we ain't got to talk about nothing, man.

I'm out here Friday, OK?

That's not what I was going to say, but that is good to know,

though. All right?

But I wanted to tell you, you was right, Loog.

All right?

You was right.

I did make it because of you, but not because

of the ride you gave me to Chicago

but you said to me on that ride.

Do you remember?

$75 for gas?

No.

You told me I was as good as anybody in Chicago

and, if I stayed focus, I could make it out of the Lou.

I don't remember saying all of that.

I do, and I never forgot it.

And seeing you at Kevin's the other day

made me realize that I've forgotten you, Loog.

So does that mean I get 10%?

[bleep] don't get crazy, OK?

But you my Miyagi, all right?

That means I'ma hook you up.

I'ma set you up some studio time, and I'ma let you

record a record on my label.

Can we shoot a video and get the girls from "Tip Drillin'"?

You do know that was about 20 years ago?

Yeah!

I went down the street, huh!

Yeah!

I rockin' that beat.

Mah!

Mah!

Boom, boom, bam!

I saw the girl looking good [inaudible]!

Woo!

Damn!

I see why I made it outthe Lou but Loogy didn't.

[music playing]

Look, why don't you just give those producer

clients of yours a call?

OK, so you think that you're ready to go

-up for "A Raisin in the Sun"? -Really?

What do you mean, I think? I know.

I will kill that dried-up little grape.

Listen to me.

Listen to me, Trina.

You were right.

Boris is good.

I just think that maybe you've gotten--

Soft you.

A word or two before you go.

I have done the state some service, and they know it.

No more of that.

I pray for you, in your letters, when you shall

these unlucky deeds relate, speak of me as I am.

Nothing extenuate.

Nor set down aught in malice then

must of one who loved not wisely but too well.

I think I'm a little moist.

So am I.

NELLY [VOICEOVER]: After two painful days

in the studio with this untalented Miyagi,

I finally had enough.

I hated to do it, but I had to kick Loogy out.

But on the way to the airport, he

insisted on getting a lottery ticket, saying he felt lucky.

Shit.

This is my last good deed, then I'm done with Miyagi.

Let me get a Max-A-Million, please.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you doing?

You're trying to take my winning lottery ticket, that's

what you're trying to do.

You got money?

I got money now.

Wow.

Yeah, let me get one of them scratches.

You know what?

Give me one too.

LOOGY: Yeah.

Thank you.

OK.

Damn!

Man, I win nothing!

Oh.

Uh-oh!

[chuckle]

I won $5 million!

I won 5 million!

Yo, give me some!

Yeah!

Cornell!

[laughing]

Man, you know that was supposed to be

my winning lottery ticket.

You stole that from me, just like you stole my career!

Really, Loog? LOOGY: Man!

Yeah, really.

Come on, bro.

You know what?

I just figured this out, man.

And you're not going to like this,

but maybe you should just scratch success off your list.

I mean, maybe it's not in the stars for you.

Oh, it's like that?

It's like that, Loog.

Don't get mad at me.

God don't want this for you.

Oh, hell he don't!

[tires screech]

[crash, loog groans]

Oh.

[inaudible] do nothing.

I mean, he always did want a grill.

Romeo, doff thy name.

And for that part, which is no part of thee,

take all of myself.

I'll take thee at thy word.

Call me but love, and I'll be new baptized.

Henceforth I will never be Romeo.

[applause]

That was nice, Kevin.

Yes.

Thank you.

I don't shake the hand.

Bresha, was that Juliet or Shanaynay?

Ouch.

Excuse me.

Ooh.

Really, really so fantastic.

Kevin, I want to introduceyou to the producers

of "A Raisin in the Sun."

-How are you? -Wow!

You liked that?

Mr. Hart, how would you like to play Walter Lee Younger?

What?

Yes!

Well, I ain't getting no younger,

so I might as well play Younger.

[laughter]

It's a play on the words.

WOMAN: Yeah.

In your damn face, film critic.

Who's the one-trick pony now, huh?

You know what?

From now on, I want youall to call me Kevin Barg.

It's so natural.

It just rolls off his tongue. Always with him.

Sorry.

One second.

Oh, goodness.

Hello.

Hey.

OK, OK, listen to me.

Listen to me.

I'm not doing another ride-along, you hear me?

I'm done with that type of putt-putt shit.

I'm doing Broadway now.

You hear me?

So you can tell them to take that offer,

and they can shove that-- how much?

$40 million?

Uh, [bleep] Broadway.