Original subtitles

♪ Everything blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam... ♪

Welcome to Joke City's open mic night, y'all.

We've got a surprise guest.

The first comic to be invited

to the presidential inauguration.

Fresh off the "What Now?" tour,

comedy royalty, Kevin Hart, ladies and gentlemen!

Kevin Hart!

[cheers and applause]

♪

-Yeah! -Do it, Kev.

Ah... man, this is crazy, man.

Always good to be back here at Joke City.

Faizon, if you're gonna say something, say it right, okay?

I did not get invited

to perform at the presidential inauguration.

I was actually, uh, nice enough to let

the presidential inauguration open up for me, so...

[audience laughing]

That's where I'm at in my career.

Being the first is big.

That means not Eddie Murphy, not Chris Rock,

not Jerry Seinfeld.

Damn sure ain't no J.B. Smoove, I'll tell ya that.

[audience laughing]

He ain't performing nowhere.

He's just... home on the couch.

[chuckling]

That is it.

So, you know, we're gonna mess around.

Uh...[feedback blaring]

If I say something, y'all don't think it ain't funny,

then don't laugh at it.

You think it is funny, laugh.

We just-- we just basically gonna give and get--

Well, that last joke wasn't funny at all.

When I see Jerry Seinfeld at his next panini party--

that's the little sandwiches-- you ever have that before?

Huh? Yeah.

I'll let him know what you said... punk.

Look-- okay, ladies and gentlemen, J.B. Smoove.

Now he wonder why the president won't let him in his house.

[audience laughing]

Let's start, y'all ready, y'all ready to hear some fire?

[cheers and applause]

Man, you know what's crazy?

You ever been on your private jet,

flying like 30,000 feet in the air,

getting a foot massage

and then you hit that turbulence,

but not that regular commercial flight turbulence;

that private jet turbulence?

So that's that shaky stuff

and you drinking your oolong tea

and when the turbulence hit you like, "Oolong!"

And then the tea fall into the foot massage water

and now you look down and you got...

sweet feet tea!

[cackling]

[Kevin] Yeah.

[clearing throat]

Faizon, did you warm 'em up?

They seem a little cold.

All right, joke number two.

Uh... you ever been driving in your Bugatti,

whipping that bitch

with your leopard in the passenger seat

and then you look over and you go,

"Mr. Leopard, I need gas,"

and you get to the gas station

but it ain't no full-service gas station

and you got to get out that Bugatti

and pump your own gas

while your leopard look at you in the eye?

[cackling]

That's the one!

Jackie, he ain't paying you that much.

You ain't funny no more.

We tired of helping your ass.

[crowd murmuring]

Uh-oh.

I don't know what the hell old "Waiting to Exhale" face

is talking about.

That joke destroyed in Dubai.

♪ This is the life, this is the life ♪

♪ We've got the life, we've got the life ♪

♪ This is the city where we party every night ♪

♪ Party every night

♪ We do indeed now let's go ♪

♪ Welcome to Hollywood, welcome to Hollywood ♪

♪ Welcome to Hollywood ♪

Another thing that be driving me crazy

is when you go to the bank...

Maybe I should give him the mother[bleep] light.

Give him something sharp to fall on.

He lost his edge, man.

I got a duffle bag full of dubs.

[man] Mr. Haynes...

can you come with us, please?

Oh man, you've got the wrong damn table.

Ain't no Haynes here.

Who Haynes?

-There he is.Right there. -Huh, what?

No! Really?!

Look, I ain't going with nobody

until y'all show me some ID.

Now, who the hell is y'all?

[Kevin] How come you never see fat mannequins?

Your escort, mother[bleep].

Let's go.

My escort? Y'all Uber?

[Detective Smith] Let's go![Nelly] Hey, hey, hey, slow down!

Hey, hey, y'all.

Uh-oh!

Looks like somebody saw "Nellyville."

[chuckling]

Nothing?

Come on, guys, I'm giving you my best.

Every now and then, a comic has to work a joke out.

I mean, look, that's what comedy is.

It's a process.

You take a joke, then you massage it.

After massaging it, eventu...

What?

How y'all giving me the red light during my confessional?

You gonna tell me to wrap up my confessional?

Dirty mother[bleep], man.

That's my time.

♪

Nelly, look at me.

This is serious.

You're gonna have to give them a name.

Like who?

As your attorney, it would be unethical

for me to give you that advice.

-Right, right. -Duane.

Who?

-I could be disbarred. -What?

Who?

Are you serious, Trina?

You asking me to give up my boy?

I think you're gonna have to.

I'm not doing it.

They're just gonna have to lock me up.

Besides, what do they have on me?

Contraband.

What contraband?

That contraband.

Yeah, that contraband.

Now, obviously, Nelly, you're a pretty smart guy.

You had sense enough to pay Marvin Gaye's family

when you made that last record.

Not that they needed it, you know,

with Robin Thicke and all.

[chuckling]

-Yeah. -Yeah.

Yeah.

Look, I got a deal for you.

You give me someone bigger than you

and you can walk your ass right outside that door.

Well, there's Faizon.

Hey!

Whoa... relax.

So I give somebody up and all this goes away?

If you don't, you're looking at 25 years.

What the hell am I doing here?!

♪

[Kevin] You might ask, "Who's that dangerous, good-looking,

throwback brother that Jackie's with?"

Well, that's me, people.

AKA Lil 40.

You see, I learned long ago not to go south of Wilshire

without a disguise or security.

Jackie is my security.

Since Jackie ain't shit,

I had to really go hard on my disguise.

Okay, listen to me.

When I call you, -you get down here. -Uh-huh.

-Okay. -You know what I mean?

Because if I call you, that mean the shit just got real.

[siren blaring] Do you understand that, Jackie?

Look like shit already done got real, Kevin.

You're not about this life! The boys was right!

They said I need to get my edge back, Jackie.

That's what I'm -trying to do. -Okay.

I'm trying to get my edge back.

See, that's what happens when you view the world from a G7.

To be honest with you, people, I was never funnier

than when I was in the hood with absolutely nothing.

I'm talking about when only the rats and roaches knew my name.

That's why I'm back.

I'm back in the hood to find my funny.

I sure do hope they got a Whole Foods around here

'cause I've got a strong taste for some quinoa.

Man, what's the apartment number, 187?

What the hell you -talking about, man? -Man, look at that.

Oh...[dog barking]

Shit.[sighing]

[siren blaring in the distance]

Ain't nothing to be scared of, man.

We out here and we gonna bang.

They wanna bang, we gonna bang with 'em.

I'm with you, Kev, come on.

All the way, baby, I'm with you.

♪Whoa.

Oh hell no, uh-uh.

Ain't no way in hell, Jackie.

I'm not staying here by myself.

You gonna have to stay with me, Jack...

Jackie?

Jack...

Jackie?[tires screeching]

[bleep] Jackie.

You know what, I knew you wasn't about this life, Jackie.

Here's the thing, man.

You can't out-thug a thug, homie.

Huh?!

I was born for this.

West--[gunshots firing]

[bleep]damn it!

Oh, ahh!

Oh![gunshots firing]

They're shooting!

♪

What is this vile?

Motor oil?!

It looks like Arnold Palmer to me.

Yeah, and I'm Will [bleep] Smith.

You've been pedaling this filthy Flint water

to the Chinese!

Come on, man, you don't have no proof of that.

What does that label say?

"Duane's Shaky Water."

That looks like Ken Jeong.

My wife is doing a show with him

over at the other network.

-Did you know that? -Yeah.

He's Korean.

Korean, Chinese-- it's all the same.

Oh, ahh!

My wife is Korean, mother[bleep].

I so sorry.

You know, the Chinese is really trying to find out

who's been pedaling this shit

and poisoning their people.

Well, why don't you tell 'em the governor of Michigan?

Oh!

You've got jokes.

We gonna see how funny it is

or how you feel sitting in one of them Chinese Gulags

when I extradite your ass!

Stop it, Billy Dee.

Sit down, brother.

Let's do a deal.

-All right. -Let's do a deal.

You bring me somebody that's bigger than you.

You mean like Faizon.

Oh!

All right, now look, tell me what y'all think about

this joke right here.

My hood is so crazy that the cats used to chase the dogs.

You're gonna turn your back on me

'cause I'm talking about cats?

Joey, you-- are you digging it or no?

So you think which part?

[squeaking] Well, the first part or the second part?

[squeaking]

Well, I'm not gonna lose the whole joke

'cause you're not giving me a reason why.

[squeaking] The whole--

Fine, fine.

X-ed out.[knocking]

All right, all right, I get it.

Y'all need to-- y'all need to go...

go hide or something for a second.

[knocking continues]

Oh!

♪

You ain't Darnel. Who is you?

[Kevin] I cannot believe that she did not recognize me.

That girl is so stupid.

She's dumb!

Do you know how dumb you gotta be to not recognize me?

Like when I see me, I know that's me.

Must be my glasses.

She's so stupid.

It's Lil 40 Glock, cuz.

Darnel?

Oh, you must be talking about one of them

marks over there. Who?

[gasping]

That is him!

See, I told that fool to stop tripping.

Oh well.

I need to get to the swap meet before it closes.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What's your name?

Charmagne.

That's beautiful.

Sound like champagne.

-You like champagne? -No.

I hate it.

I only drink Moscato.

That was my whole purpose for coming over here

was to get a cup.

Oh, I'm about to fill her cup up.

But it won't be with no damn Moscato.

[chuckling]

See?

I've been in the hood for a few minutes

and the funny already coming back.

Well, maybe we can fix that, cuz.

Great minds think alike.

Mmm...

Papi!

♪

Oh!

Girl, I'm about to give you this thug passion.

Huh, cuz?

Wait, hold on, cuz! Why you in my legs?!

Wait, cuz!

Hold on, cuz!

Stop-- stop tripping.

All right, well, trip then, cuz, do it.

[cork popping] That's it, I did it!

[Kevin snoring][Charmagne] Lil 40, wake up!

Hey, wait! Hey, girl!

-Wake up! -Girl, what the--

-Wake up! -I-- cu--

Wake--Stop! What you doing?

Girl, stop it!

Connect with me, cuz!

I'm banging out here, cuz!

Listen, you are out of Moscato, Papi.

-I gotta go. -Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Did we do it?

[sighing]

You are so stupid, I swear.

-No. -What you mean I'm stupid?

You trying to say-- you trying to say I was stupid

when we was doing it, girl, what you saying?

Girl, did we do it or not?

Do you see this?

What the hell you do to me?

I branded you, okay?

You ain't getting none of this

until you get every single letter that is in my name.

Fool.

I thought your name started with an "S."

Ay-yie-yie.

You crazy, I swear.

It's...[baby crying]

It's "Shar"...

"Shar"...

"Sh," "sh"...

It's S-H-- that's a "ch."

Ah, it's like "church."

Ch-ch-ch-ch.

"H" is silent, I got it.

[J.B.] Why do you got it so cold in here?

J.B. Smoove.

You know, you looking at five to ten, right?

For what?

You've been selling bootleg copies of "Pootie Tang."

Come on, man.

That's all you got?

[laughing] That's all I need.

Just one piece of evidence?

Bye-bye.

[laughing]

I hope you hungry

because we've got about 5,000 more just like that,

huh, in lockup.

Let's talk about it.

We ain't got a damn thing to talk about.

Unless you gonna give me somebody bigger than you.

And don't say Faizon.

Well, Faizon is the biggest person I know.

Oh, okay!

Wait a minute, wait a minute now!

I know a guy.

I mean, since you've already got me in a pickle.

[crunching] Mmm!

"Pootie Tang" is a pretty good movie.

[Kevin] Well, the past few weeks in the hood have actually

been real good to me.

Not only do I have three hours of brand-new material,

I've got an old girlfriend who thinks I'm new,

and I've got two new rat writers.

Add it all up, I'm dealing with three blind mice.

Whoo!

I'm gonna kill when I get back to Joke City.

Thank you for taking me skating, Papi.

-Yeah. -I had fun.

Hey, I had fun 'til them bad-ass kids

took the wheels off my skates, cuz.

Got me out here sitting on cinderblocks now.

-It's okay. -Look--

[gunshots firing]

[yelling]

They're shooting, girl, get down!

[gunshots firing] I'm so sick of your act!

Don't go near the window, cuz!

Uh-uh!

You better stop it with all that shooting tonight, Larry!

I done told you about that!

[tires screeching] Ooh, I'm sick of him.

Who the hell was that?

My pastor, with his crazy ass.

[Kevin] Pastor?

I guess if you don't tithe to his church

then you gonna get holy smoked.

[laughing]

Shit!

I gotta write that down.

I mean, what's a beautiful girl like you doing

living in a shithole like this?

I mean, you gotta have a guy out there

somewhere that love you...

with a-- with a cold case of Moscato for you.

Papi, listen.

That sucker gives me $10,000 a month

just to live in a Beverly Hills apartment.

But I only pay $400 to live here.

So what I'm doing is

I'm saving my money, and in one year,

I'm gonna have enough money to buy a house

right next to his.

[laughing]

Ay, he's so stupid.

[chuckling]

He sure is.

I hope he don't find out, cuz.

You know, I knew Charmagne was dirty.

The problem is I like my women dirty.

Damn it!

Eats me up.

[moaning]

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

[classical music playing]

What the hell is that?

Ooh, Papi, I don't know but uh-uh.

Killed my mood.

I can't smash to this.

I'm dry.

I'm about to go whoop me some "Amade-ass."

Ooh, Papi, I love it, thug!

Come on, cuz.

[man] Who the [bleep] is it?!

[Kevin] Hey, what the-- hey, man!

Hey, cuz!

Oh, Papi, I missed you so much!

You better put on some...

Hey, man, trying to say something...

Now let me tell you.

Punk-ass Lil 40, I was just using him, all right?

I needed to make Butta jealous

and, plus, he had the full Moscato.

What else was I supposed to do?

Mmm!

Now, this was a bomb year.

Don't you see my elbows up?!

That mean I'm ready to come from

the shoulders with it, cuz!

Hey! ♪ I'm smashing

♪ Hey 'cause that's what I do ♪

♪ I'm smashing

Hey, you gonna play a song, that's the one.

♪ I be smashing in the suburbs ♪Hey.

♪ I be smashing in the hood ♪Hey.

♪ I be smashing...

Hey, yo, cuz, don't try to throw me off

by playing my damn favorite song!

[mumbling]

♪ Hey, hey I'm smashing

Oh, it was open.

Yeah, cuz!

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, cuz!

Who is this little [bleep]?

Who the hell are you? That's the question.

I'm Thug Butta, homie.

When you say my name, put some respect on it.

Here's a little truth time, people.

I can't fight no man if his ding-ding is loose.

I don't know, man.

I need to get it together around here.

[Charmagne] Hit him, Papi.

Baby, I'm trying to handle mines.

No, I'm not talking to you.

I'm talking to my man.

Papi, kick his ass.

So now you call him Papi too?

You gonna act like you don't call me Papi?

-You better roll. -I ain't gonna roll--[gun cocking]

So y'all-- so-- so y'all are together,

like for-- is it-- -is it a thing? -Mm-hmm.

Okay, oh, so this is real love.

Where the hell you pull that shotgun from?

'Cause you ain't got no pocket.

Don't worry about it, little man.

I hear you, Truffle Butter.

You ain't gonna make a thug cry today, cuz!

I die for mines!

Just not today!

If this was the weekend, I would die for mines!

Let me tell you something, man, you--

What the...

[bleep]damn it, man!

Is that a rocket launcher, cuz?!

Shit!

[Kevin] Where in the hell does this fool shop?

At the corner of Crenshaw and ISIS?

I'll be back, cuz!

[Kevin] I got something for you!

I got something for you!

[siren blaring in the distance]

No.

[cell phone ringing]

Hello? [Kevin] Jackie?

Jackie, listen to me.

Shit just got real.

What? You want some grits and veal?

I said, "Shit just got real!"

Oh, you watching "Let's Make A Deal."

Hell, I'm not watching no [bleep]damn "Let's Make A Deal."

Jackie, the reception-- the reception bad.

Hold on, Jackie.

I'm about to make a makeshift antenna.

Hold on.

Jackie, I said, "Shit just got real."

All right, man, I'm on my way.

Where are -you going? -I gotta go.

Is there a problem?

Yeah, I gotta go get my man.

You can't leave now.

The party's just getting started.

Oh... oh...

[moaning]

Y'all done did that-- oh, a trio, y'all.

♪

Ahh!

Oh my God, Kevin, you scared the hell out of me, man.

What do you mean, I scared you?

What took you so damn long, Jackie?

People upstairs trying to kill me,

you're taking your ti...

Who the hell is that in the passenger seat of my car?

Oh... yeah.

You know I do that Uber thing as my side gig.

In my G wagon?

They wouldn't accept my car.

You don't have a car, Jackie!

Boy, I'm about to whoop your Uber ass.

I'll deal with you later.

Get me out of here.

Who's trying to kill you anyway?

I don't know, some guy named Thug Butta.

He had his junk out-- it was a mess upstairs.

Thug Butta with his -junk out? -Just go, Jackie.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What the hell you stopping for, Jackie?

Man, I got another pickup.

Man, what took you so long, man?

Man, somebody was actually there--

I am working!

Some little crazy little gangster [bleep]

-tried to kill me. -Wait, somebody tried to kill you?!

Tyga?

What the hell you doing here, man?!

Kevin Hart?

What the [bleep] you doing here?!

What do you mean, why am I here?

I'm here pumping out jokes, man.

That's how I keep my comedy mojo.

Now the question is, why are you here?

Explain yourself.

What, you trying to get paid for cash money?

Stop, man.

I'm out here trying to get inspiration for my music.

You know what I'm saying, I come to the hood,

have sex with all ratchets.

-Ask Charmagne, she know. -Brother, that's my lady.

Don't talk about Charmagne like that.

-That is my girl! -Your girl?

That's my girl.

You better not say nothing to Kylie either.

I'm not gonna tell Kylie.

I'm going straight to Caitlyn.

[chuckling]

Laugh now, Kevin Hart,

but I've got something for you in nine months.

Charmagne is pregnant.

[siren blaring] What the...

Oh, I'm going to jail, I'm going to jail.

We heard from reliable sources

that you've got a whole lot of cash

from the prince of Dubai

and you forgot to pay your taxes.

-That's a damn lie. -Uh-huh.

First of all, I stole that cash from that prince.

Second of all, I've never paid taxes in my damn life.

[chuckling] Okay?

I've been duping the government for years.

That's the big secret I got.

You know you're being recorded, right?

Which is why I am joking.

These are jokes, man.

I'm a comedian loosening you up.

Let's just cut the shit, man.

Who you been talking to?

Where you getting this stuff from?

Somebody in a pickle just like you.

[whispering] J.B.

You know what's funny, man, I thought we had a deal.

You and I talked, you look me in the eye,

I looked you back in your eye,

you blinked, I blinked back.

We agreed on something.

That's why I gave you Nelly, did I not?

That was for that double-parking violation

that we had on you,

but unfortunately, you're gonna have to give us

someone a whole lot bigger than that.

[whispering] Oh, you son of a bitch.

You want me to give you Barack Obama?

Is that what this is about?

All right.

I got somebody for you.

[bleep], what's wrong with you, man?!

I told you, I don't know nobody bigger than Faizon.

Hey, let's just say he was from Rat City.

[laughing]

Hey, I made him earn his stripes that night.

I'll tell you that.

[cheers and applause]

[squeaking]

♪

♪

[heart beating]

♪

♪