Original subtitles

- Top five rappers of all time.

- Number one: Tupac. - All right, I'm with you.

- Jay Z. - All right.

- Ice Cube. - KEVIN: Okay.

- BORIS: All right. - Andre 3000.

- I like him. - All right, okay.

- And to top it off, the greatest rapper of all time,

straight lyricist, baller Nick Cannon.

- First of all, Nick, you got some damn nerve.

- What are you talking about?

- You're on the list of best rappers of all time?

- I'm a lyricist. You've seen my poetry.

- I saw "Chi-Raq" and that wasn't worth a damn.

All them damn close-ups of you

doing a bunch of mumbo-jumbo bullshit.

Made my balls itch. - Why you hating?

- I'm not hating, brother. - It is the truth.

- KEVIN: I'm speaking it real.

You wanna get real rough, rugged, raw again

for the second time,

Droppa could come out here and make it do what it did.

- Every time you done came on-- - Y'all did it.

Y'all did it to yourselves. You did it to yourselves.

You will get the bars right now.

About to set it off like Jada Pinkett up in here.

♪ Sitting here with Nick Cannon and he looking like shit ♪

♪ Looking at his face is making me sick ♪

♪ Toilet paper, drop it

♪ Brown skid, wipe it

♪ Droppa out and now I'm gonna top it ♪

♪ Look at my butt

♪ Mmm!

Come on, man, let me post that.

- [cell phone music] - Come on.

- NICK: Kev, no you didn't. You mother--

- See this?

- ♪ This is the life, this is the life ♪

♪ We got the life, we got the life ♪

♪ This is the city where we party every night ♪

♪ Party every night

♪ Just you and me, down and to go ♪

♪ Welcome to Hollywood, welcome to Hollywood ♪

♪ Welcome to Hollywood ♪

- ♪

- ♪ Yeah, Chocolate Droppa not afraid ♪

♪ I'm not afraid

♪ Nick Cannon, girlie made

- Kevin? - JACKIE: Killed that!

- What's going... come on, man?

How the hell you get in my house?

- Well I tried to use the front door, but for some reason

my key was not working.

So I took the liberty of coming through the window.

Now listen, I have a really, really great idea.

- Okay, not right now.

Just give me... give me a second, okay?

It's too much right now. Did you post that?

- Did I post it?

Boy, you already got 300 bazillion hits.

- ♪ Hey

- Kevin, stop playing on the phone, listen.

- What you talking about? - I have a question.

- KEVIN: What?

- Do you know that game show "Spouse Smarts"?

- It's a show, the couples get together,

they compete for all types of cash and prizes.

I know exactly what you're talking about.

- That's right.

- What I think you don't know is that we're not married anymore.

Maybe this is news to you, but we haven't been married

since way before season one, Bridgette.

Now I bring that up, the girl that we had play Bridgette

on season one was a way better Bridgette than you.

- [squeals]

- KEVIN: She was an angel.

I almost remarried season one Bridgette--

until she tried to kill me.

- I need you to stop being spouse stupid,

and I need you to sign this release--

- I'm not signing that.

- Because we are gonna be on "Spouse Smarts" together.

You are gonna sign this.

- We are not. I'm not signing nothing.

- I don't ask you for much. - That's a lie.

- Kevin, sign it. - Not gonna make nobody sign it.

Ow! - Sign the paper, Kevin.

- Ow! - Are you gonna sign the paper?

- You're putting me in one of them MMA holds.

Get off of me. You're like a--ow!

You're like a man in a skirt. Just back up.

I ain't doing no damn show with you.

- [whining] Every time I ask you to do the littlest thing

for your kids' mom, who you knocked up twice,

you weren't there when I needed you.

- Know what this is? It's a harp.

- [whining] I don't deserve a harp.

- Kev, look, Kev. Look at this video.

- What?

- ♪ Off the top with a turban ♪

♪ Yeah I'm keeping it urban

♪ Unh, Black man versus Superman ♪

- What...what's so special about that?

- Look how good it look. Pumpin'.

- ♪ Nae-Nae in the funk

♪ Nae-Nae in the funk

- Who's that little monkey on the couch?

And who wants a monkey? Little dirty monkey.

- ♪ Kevin Hart wanna do

♪ What Cannon can, but he can't ♪

- Is that me on that couch right there?

- ♪ Put it there, sleep there, Kevin ♪

- He shot a video at my house?

- That's a nice video of your house, boy.

"Directed by F. Gary Gray."

No wonder why the video looks so nice.

- You know what I say, Jackie.

"F" Gary Gray!

Give me this damn thing.

Celebrating another man's success.

- [glass shatters]

- I want you to do me a favor-- I want you to get

that [bleep] damn elk out my house.

- I hear you, mitch!

I will leave when I am good and ready, which is never!

- Hey, Bridgette.

You know, I overheard you talking about "Spouse Smarts."

That's one of my favorite shows.

I get all the answers right on that show.

You know I once almost got married just to be on that show.

- ["idea" bell dings]

- Hey, why do that when you could just be my partner?

- Nah.

Kevin said you're not a good partner

and you don't listen well.

- I didn't hear what you said.

But listen, I'm thinking I could forget about the money

that you owe me and give you 20 percent of the winnings.

- Half.

- ["eye wink" dings]

- Okay look, just don't tell Kevin, okay?

- Of course not, just sign right there.

- JACKIE: Right here, right here?

- He does know this is gonna be on TV, right?

I guess the best friend doesn't fall too far from the dumb tree.

♪ This is Droppa at his best, man ♪

♪ Yeah thug swag

♪ Unh, here we go

♪ Nick crying every day

♪ Nick trying every day

♪ Rhymes failing every day

♪ That rap is wack

♪ Nick can't act

♪ I want my money back

♪ I'm so mad at you

♪ I hope they cancel "Wild 'n Out" ♪

♪ And throw you away

♪ You are equivalent to doo-doo ♪

♪ Wipe my butt with you

♪ You stink

♪ You smell like doo-doo

♪ [bleep] you, Nick

- DIRECTOR: Cut! - KEVIN: Huh, what?

Oh, my God, I was on fire on that one.

Right? That's good. What's up, Spielberg?

- It's Steelbird, not Spielberg.

- Oh, brother, whatever, man.

Dude, look at what we're doing right now.

Okay, I know you wish you could have shot "E.T."

and "Jaws" on a budget like this, but you didn't.

When people see what we did with this Snapchat video,

they're gonna be all over you.

- Speaking of budgets, we're at three million.

- Listen. I'll spend whatever I need to do

when it comes to hating on Nick.

- Got it. - KEVIN: All right?

- Mm-hmm.

- Hell, man, get your ass up off this stage.

Correcting me in front of people.

Jackie! Jackie!

Jackie, let me talk to you for a second.

Okay.

Look, I need you to get Zuckerberg on the phone

and tell him I need a loan for a billion dollars.

- Billion?

- A billion. - Okay.

- Tah-tah, I need you to do it now.

Skee-daddle. - JACKIE: I'm on it.

- KEVIN: Thank you. - NICK: Ooh, hoo, hoo.

This is nice. Man, it's big budget.

Look like you're spending a lot of money up here.

- Obviously not on security.

Somebody come get his nick-knack paddy-whack

kick a dog a bone ass up out of here.

- I did not come here for all that, you know?

I just ...heard something today.

Heard you like finger foods.

- Oh, Nick, will you just stop with all the hypnotic shit?

Make your point, man.

- Lookie here.

- What's up, everybody? It is your girl Charmagne.

Let me tell you a little story.

So there was this one time

that I had went to go get my nails did.

And, oh, my goodness to my surprise,

Kevin little freaky Hart wanted to play fortune teller

with my brand-new French tips.

So listen, the moral of the story is this...

Kevin, I want my three rings back.

- KEVIN: Give me that, give me that.

Shut it off. Shut it off!

- [water splashes]

- Oh, that don't even matter. Snapchat's all over it.

Everybody done seen it,

and they done gave it three thumbs up your ass.

One, two, three. [laughs]

- KEVIN: Take it off. Nick, you delete that.

- NICK: [laughs] - KEVIN: Delete it off, Nick.

- NICK: Fortune teller.

- CROWD: [laughing]

- Get your asses up out my house.

Charmagne, she be lying.

She did not get her nails did.

Kanye, you need to call me, brother.

- ♪

- JACKIE: You know, I've never before been to

Bridgette's house, and once I saw it,

I realized neither has Kevin. [groans]

- Watch your step. - JACKIE: Come here.

- Eww, get off me. Eww!

What's wrong with you?

- Ah.

Woo.

Wow, Bridgette, damn.

This is nice--chandeliers and everything, huh?

This is definitely not the trap house

where Kev picks up the kids from.

Ah...

Who you [bleep], Scarface?

- If you tell, I'm [bleep] you...

up!

- Oh. - Cheers.

This is the house "Ride Along 2" residuals built.

[cackling laughter]

[speaking non-English]

- I have never been in a house with its own sushi restaurant.

Mmm. You got something on your face.

Ah.

This is some good blacktail here.

- It's yellowtail, fool.

- Not the one I'm looking at.

[gasps]

- Come on.

Okay. let's practice.

We are now Bridgette and Jackie Brown.

That's my maiden name.

- Well, I'm the man.

I think we should use my maiden name.

- Look, we have to create a fake marriage.

So how about I'm a stay-at-home wife and you're an actor?

- I'm an actor? [laughing]

Woo. Oh, my God.

It's just no one's ever called me that before.

Okay, so, how many kids do we have?

- We ain't got no kids, 'cause you ain't getting any of this.

- Pretend, pretend, Bridgette.

- Well, pretend you got some, Jackie.

- Cool.

Ooh.

Man that thing deep right there.

Right there. - [sharp slap]

- [groans] - You pretend too good.

I am not a pretend slut. - What?

Okay, where are these kids that we're supposed to have?

- I don't know, in school, in the street.

Look it doesn't matter, it's a White neighborhood,

the cops will bring them home.

I need you to focus.

This is important. - All right, all right.

- Okay. So, how do you like your coffee?

- Black like your ass.

- [sharp slap] - [groans]

Have it sugar and cream.

I didn't mean it like that.

We've been fake married for ten minutes

and I already want a divorce.

[laughing]

[grunts] I might stay married.

- I'm gonna be honest. I want Nick gone, okay?

Just make sure that none of this stuff comes back to me.

Now what are we talking about money wise?

- $500,000.

- I'm sorry, say it again. - $500,000 cash.

- Ooh. Okay. [laughs]

Can we do a personal check?

'Cause that's where all my money is, it's in my personal account.

Can we do that? Y'all got a problem with that?

- Okay, fine. - Okay, my guy, my guy.

All right.

Let's go ahead, let me get you your money.

I'm gonna make it out to you. Now validate it.

So what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna put my social,

I'm gonna put my driver's license number on here, too.

And my tax ID, 'cause I don't want you having no problems.

Take that, right?

Now listen to me, and you listen good.

I do not want this coming back to bite me in the ass.

Nobody can know about this. You hear me?

- [door opens] - I don't--

- Kevin! What's popping, my Nigerian?

- Hey, what's up, Nick? Ain't nothing going on here.

[silently]

What's up, man?

- Kevin, can I talk to you real quick?

- Uh, yeah, what's up? What's going on?

- Um, alone.

- Oh, yeah, they was leaving.

These are my exterminators. I just hired these guys.

Found a [bleep] damn bat with a turtle on his back.

[laughs] Yeah, come on, let's go, guys.

Let's try to get it out.

- Well-dressed exterminators.

- All right, guys, always good to see you.

Hey, man, you don't kill that bat on my property, okay?

You kill it when it gets off my property.

All right. [clears throat]

- Bats with security, turtles?

- Brother, I don't know if you seen the bats around here,

but they're doing all types of incredible shit.

- Look, either way, man, I got something I gotta show you.

Check this out. - What's that?

- Hey, man, hey, Nickelodeon, man, hey, Kevin Hart.

Hey what, what hey, Chocolate Droppa, whatever wack, bro.

Y'all need to drop that shit now, man.

Stop that wack battle now.

It's like Iggy Azalea versus IceJJFish.

Nobody cares, bro. I'm telling you.

Let's change the name of the show, dawg,

from "Wild 'n Out" to "Old 'n Out."

- CROWD: [laughing]

- Talk to me if you like music group,

get at me if you got a problem, what?

- Wait a minute now, hold on now.

Who the hell is that? - Problem.

- No, I know he's a problem, I'm saying who is he?

- No his rap name is Problem. That's what the rappers do.

They name their self really bad stuff to make them tougher.

Like you could be like M.C. Genital Warts.

- You know what? I got somebody for his mother [bleep] ass.

- No, this is an opportunity.

We gangster rappers, we can handle this on our own.

We go down there to the Dragonfly, bum rush the stage.

Matter of fact, you drive, I'll get your car seat.

- Wait, go. Go, go, go.

You okay, Nick? - NICK: Yeah.

- KEVIN: Shit!

- You know these last couple of days getting ready

for "Spouse Smarts" really brought me and Jackie together.

It almost feels like a real marriage.

- Yeah, all we do is argue and fight.

- And we don't [bleep]. It's just like a real marriage.

- Today's players are: Melanie and Charles Ellis

from Charlotte, North Carolina.

- AUDIENCE: [applauding] - BOTH: Hi!

- TODD: And Bridgette and Jackie Brown

from Pasadena, California.

- AUDIENCE: [applauding] - Hey!

- Let's play "Spouse Smarts." - [game show music]

- [bell rings] - Louis the 14th.

- Correct. - [bell dings]

- [bell rings] - The monarch butterfly.

- That's right. - JACKIE: [laughing]

- [bell rings]

- Alan Greenspan, Desi Arnaz... - ...Jay Z, and Kermit The Frog.

- They've got it. - AUDIENCE: [applauding]

- JACKIE: [laughs] - Ooh!

- [bell rings] - Bushy.

- That is incorrect. - [buzzer rings]

- Bushy?

Well, then why have I been waxing all these years?

- Guess he don't like Becky with the good hair.

- [bell rings] - Black, like my ass.

- JACKIE: [laughs] - That is absolutely right.

- Doves, seahorses, and humans. - Ooh, I'm sorry.

- Lovebirds, Gibbons, and titty monkeys.

- That's what we were looking for.

- JACKIE: Rrrrr!

- I am about to get paid. [laughs]

- Don't you mean we? - Yeah, whatever.

- This is really starting to feel like a damn marriage.

- Well, Jackie and Bridgette,

you have made it to our final round.

- [squeals]

- Now you can bet nothing and walk home with $75,258

or you can bet it all.

- We're gonna bet it all, Todd! - Wait, wait, okay?

Uh, I don't wanna bet. - [heavy punch]

- [groans] Whatever my wife says, bet.

- I guess we know who wears the pads in the Brown family.

- AUDIENCE: [laughs]

- Okay, to quadruple your money,

the final category is: biogenetics.

- Is it still too late to take the money?

- TODD: I'm afraid so, Jackie.

Here is your question.

What is the velocity of human spermatozoa?

- I know the velocity of poverty.

- [bell rings]

- Bridgette, do you know the answer?

- Hell, yes.

I was married to the fastest nut-busted in America.

If a sperm is 40 microns in length, and most fallopian tubes

are on average 175 millimeters in length,

it takes about 45 minutes to go from grunt to egg,

so that means that sperm travels at a rate of

5-millimeters-per-minute.

So if a sperm was the size of a salmon,

that would mean that the sperm travels at 500-miles-per-hour.

- You are right! - [bell dings]

- JACKIE: [screaming] - [game show music]

- Jackie and Bridgette, you have just won $301,032.

- You might not be able to tell it,

but there's a salmon croquette in my pants right now.

Bridgette!

[kissing] - BRIDGETTE: [straining]

[gasps]

Oh, hell, no!

Don't nobody stick their tongue down my throat

except my husband, mitch.

- I am your husband. - You ain't my damn husband.

- [buzzer rings] - AUDIENCE: Awww...

- Did I hear you correctly, Bridgette?

- No.

What I said was I'm not used to calling you my husband

since we're newlyweds.

Come here, Jackie.

- Oh, you don't love me. - Come here!

- I'm sorry but I'm afraid you two are disqualified.

- ♪

- [unintelligible rap lyrics]

♪

- KEVIN: Yo, cut it off, cut it off.

Boy, if you don't get your Ruben Studdard-lookin'

ass up off me...

Back your ass up.

- Hold on up.

I would like to introduce you guys

to the worst two rappers in the world.

Nick "Can Not Rap". - CROWD: [laughs]

- And the Chocolate Flopper right here, man.

- CROWD: [laughing] - NICK: I got this, I got this.

Why don't we do this the old school way?

- Ooh, now you talking, Nick.

- Ain't no other way y'all can do it.

- CROWD: [laughing]

- KEVIN: We're about to take this one

straight back to the city.

We're gonna drop bars right here on this stage.

- NICK: Uh!

- Let the people decide who's wack and who's not.

Huh-huh. - NICK: Ra!

- Dropping bars for fun?

That's not how Diamond Lanes do that, man.

We get paid around here, bro. - Okay.

You wanna have some fun? Talking about getting paid.

Why don't we put up some keys? - That's all we gotta do?

Boy. No, man, that's what we want?

Huh, Nick, I stay with keys.

Mercedes keys. - Mercedes.

- Ooh, ooh, ooh. Burn.

- Introducing your girlfriend's Scion's keys.

- CROWD: [laughing]

- KEVIN: What the [bleep] is a Scion? [bleep] it.

It's about to be a lyrical warfare.

- NICK: Uh, drop the beat.

- ♪

- ♪ Problem

♪ Ain't even a problem

♪ Matter of fact

♪ He's not a problem

♪ I'm looking like

♪ What's the problem

♪ Coming around here

♪ With no career

♪ Looking all dead

♪ Like you in the spread

♪ Now you comin' 'round

- CROWD: [booing]

- Stick to the comedy, bro. Let's get to the real shit.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, let me catch it.

Y'all ready for some real shit? - CROWD: [cheering]

- CROWD: Ohhhh! - KEVIN:: Let's go, Nick.

- ♪ Problem child

♪ Smile Kool-Aid

♪ Matter of fact that's the way I got it made ♪

♪ Kevin is game

♪ You a little arcane

♪ 'Cause, uh, mitch

♪ You just got played

Problem signed with me. He on my label.

This my dude. Got him.

- PROBLEM: Diamond. - Diamond.

- [horn blaring]

- KEVIN: Come on.

Wait a minute, is that... is that Bridgette right there?

- [brakes screech]

- KEVIN: Ooh. Jackie?

Jackie!

Oh, no! Oh, my God.

Jackie! Jackie!

You killed Jackie?

- That's right, Little Mitchard.

Now close the door before I do the same thing to you.

- [tires squealing]

- All right, man.

Jackie!

Look, you can't breathe or nothing, Jackie?

You probably need mouth-to-mouth, too.

I tell you what. You gonna die tonight, Jackie.

I'll be damned if I put my mouth on another man's mouth.

You're a dead [bleep] tonight, man.

- NICK: Hey, homie, you need some help?

[laughing] Woo!

- You know what? Laugh now, but I'm gonna get you both.

- Problem is I got your mother [bleep] car, you moron!

- NICK: [laughing]

You ain't even notice. Diamond Lane, incredible.

We got a joint together.

- You know what?

I got something for you and Problem child.

- What, what, what you got?

Them goons that you sent to kill me?

- What goons you talking about? You can't connect me to that.

- Man, they're my cousins. - NICK: [laughing]

- Oh, shit! Jackie? What the--

Jackie, I thought you was dead!

- I heard you like fortune tellers.

- Oh, damn that.

Jackie!

Jackie-e-e-e-e!

- ♪