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1
00:00:02,588 --> 00:00:03,968
- Top five rappers
of all time.
2
00:00:04,073 --> 00:00:06,903
- Number one: Tupac.
- All right, I'm with you.
3
00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:08,657
- Jay Z.
- All right.
4
00:00:08,767 --> 00:00:10,147
- Ice Cube.
- KEVIN: Okay.
5
00:00:10,251 --> 00:00:12,531
- BORIS: All right.
- Andre 3000.
6
00:00:12,633 --> 00:00:14,013
- I like him.
- All right, okay.
7
00:00:14,117 --> 00:00:18,117
- And to top it off,
the greatest rapper of all time,
8
00:00:18,225 --> 00:00:21,875
straight lyricist,
baller Nick Cannon.
9
00:00:21,987 --> 00:00:23,637
- First of all, Nick,
you got some damn nerve.
10
00:00:23,747 --> 00:00:25,027
- What are you talking about?
11
00:00:25,128 --> 00:00:26,748
- You're on the list of best
rappers of all time?
12
00:00:26,854 --> 00:00:28,994
- I'm a lyricist.
You've seen my poetry.
13
00:00:29,098 --> 00:00:31,408
- I saw "Chi-Raq" and that
wasn't worth a damn.
14
00:00:31,514 --> 00:00:32,834
All them damn
close-ups of you
15
00:00:32,929 --> 00:00:33,959
doing a bunch of
mumbo-jumbo bullshit.
16
00:00:34,068 --> 00:00:37,138
Made my balls itch.
- Why you hating?
17
00:00:37,244 --> 00:00:38,974
- I'm not hating, brother.
- It is the truth.
18
00:00:39,073 --> 00:00:40,633
- KEVIN:
I'm speaking it real.
19
00:00:40,730 --> 00:00:42,390
You wanna get real rough,
rugged, raw again
20
00:00:42,490 --> 00:00:44,040
for the second time,
21
00:00:44,147 --> 00:00:45,767
Droppa could come out here
and make it do what it did.
22
00:00:45,873 --> 00:00:48,123
- Every time you done came on--
- Y'all did it.
23
00:00:48,220 --> 00:00:52,090
Y'all did it to yourselves.
You did it to yourselves.
24
00:00:52,190 --> 00:00:54,020
You will get
the bars right now.
25
00:00:54,123 --> 00:00:56,263
About to set it off like
Jada Pinkett up in here.
26
00:00:56,366 --> 00:00:58,846
♪ Sitting here with Nick Cannon
and he looking like shit ♪
27
00:00:58,955 --> 00:01:00,915
♪ Looking at his face
is making me sick ♪
28
00:01:01,026 --> 00:01:02,336
♪ Toilet paper, drop it
29
00:01:02,441 --> 00:01:03,481
♪ Brown skid, wipe it
30
00:01:03,580 --> 00:01:05,410
♪ Droppa out and now
I'm gonna top it ♪
31
00:01:05,513 --> 00:01:06,963
♪ Look at my butt
32
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:08,547
♪ Mmm!
33
00:01:08,654 --> 00:01:10,594
Come on, man,
let me post that.
34
00:01:10,691 --> 00:01:13,001
- [cell phone music]
- Come on.
35
00:01:13,107 --> 00:01:15,697
- NICK: Kev, no you didn't.
You mother--
36
00:01:15,799 --> 00:01:17,659
- See this?
37
00:01:17,767 --> 00:01:19,217
- ♪ This is the life,
this is the life ♪
38
00:01:19,320 --> 00:01:21,150
♪ We got the life,
we got the life ♪
39
00:01:21,253 --> 00:01:23,293
♪ This is the city
where we party every night ♪
40
00:01:23,393 --> 00:01:25,093
♪ Party every night
41
00:01:25,188 --> 00:01:28,778
♪ Just you and me,
down and to go ♪
42
00:01:28,881 --> 00:01:30,711
♪ Welcome to Hollywood,
welcome to Hollywood ♪
43
00:01:30,814 --> 00:01:33,134
♪ Welcome to Hollywood ♪
44
00:01:33,231 --> 00:01:36,301
- ♪
45
00:01:36,406 --> 00:01:38,576
- ♪ Yeah, Chocolate Droppa
not afraid ♪
46
00:01:38,684 --> 00:01:40,174
♪ I'm not afraid
47
00:01:40,272 --> 00:01:42,762
♪ Nick Cannon, girlie made
48
00:01:42,861 --> 00:01:45,001
- Kevin?
- JACKIE: Killed that!
49
00:01:45,105 --> 00:01:46,585
- What's going...
come on, man?
50
00:01:46,692 --> 00:01:48,042
How the hell you get
in my house?
51
00:01:48,142 --> 00:01:49,322
- Well I tried to use the front
door, but for some reason
52
00:01:49,419 --> 00:01:50,829
my key was not working.
53
00:01:50,938 --> 00:01:52,458
So I took the liberty of
coming through the window.
54
00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:53,840
Now listen, I have a really,
really great idea.
55
00:01:53,941 --> 00:01:55,081
- Okay, not right now.
56
00:01:55,184 --> 00:01:57,154
Just give me...
give me a second, okay?
57
00:01:57,255 --> 00:01:58,455
It's too much right now.
Did you post that?
58
00:01:58,566 --> 00:01:59,706
- Did I post it?
59
00:01:59,809 --> 00:02:00,499
Boy, you already got
300 bazillion hits.
60
00:02:00,603 --> 00:02:02,333
- ♪ Hey
61
00:02:02,432 --> 00:02:04,952
- Kevin, stop playing
on the phone, listen.
62
00:02:05,055 --> 00:02:05,775
- What you talking about?
- I have a question.
63
00:02:05,884 --> 00:02:07,094
- KEVIN: What?
64
00:02:07,196 --> 00:02:08,846
- Do you know that game
show "Spouse Smarts"?
65
00:02:08,956 --> 00:02:10,816
- It's a show, the couples
get together,
66
00:02:10,923 --> 00:02:13,033
they compete for all
types of cash and prizes.
67
00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:14,243
I know exactly what
you're talking about.
68
00:02:14,341 --> 00:02:15,791
- That's right.
69
00:02:15,894 --> 00:02:17,244
- What I think you don't know is
that we're not married anymore.
70
00:02:17,344 --> 00:02:19,354
Maybe this is news to you,
but we haven't been married
71
00:02:19,449 --> 00:02:22,249
since way before
season one, Bridgette.
72
00:02:22,349 --> 00:02:24,249
Now I bring that up, the girl
that we had play Bridgette
73
00:02:24,351 --> 00:02:26,531
on season one was a way
better Bridgette than you.
74
00:02:26,629 --> 00:02:28,359
- [squeals]
75
00:02:28,458 --> 00:02:29,838
- KEVIN:
She was an angel.
76
00:02:29,942 --> 00:02:32,572
I almost remarried
season one Bridgette--
77
00:02:32,669 --> 00:02:34,079
until she tried to kill me.
78
00:02:34,188 --> 00:02:36,638
- I need you to stop
being spouse stupid,
79
00:02:36,742 --> 00:02:37,882
and I need you to
sign this release--
80
00:02:37,985 --> 00:02:39,325
- I'm not signing that.
81
00:02:39,435 --> 00:02:40,815
- Because we are gonna be on
"Spouse Smarts" together.
82
00:02:40,919 --> 00:02:41,949
You are gonna sign this.
83
00:02:42,058 --> 00:02:43,468
- We are not.
I'm not signing nothing.
84
00:02:43,577 --> 00:02:45,197
- I don't ask you for much.
- That's a lie.
85
00:02:45,303 --> 00:02:48,133
- Kevin, sign it.
- Not gonna make nobody sign it.
86
00:02:48,237 --> 00:02:49,857
Ow!
- Sign the paper, Kevin.
87
00:02:49,962 --> 00:02:51,142
- Ow!
- Are you gonna sign the paper?
88
00:02:51,240 --> 00:02:53,170
- You're putting me in
one of them MMA holds.
89
00:02:53,276 --> 00:02:56,136
Get off of me.
You're like a--ow!
90
00:02:56,245 --> 00:02:59,275
You're like a man in a skirt.
Just back up.
91
00:02:59,386 --> 00:03:01,416
I ain't doing no
damn show with you.
92
00:03:01,526 --> 00:03:03,976
- [whining] Every time I ask
you to do the littlest thing
93
00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:07,360
for your kids' mom,
who you knocked up twice,
94
00:03:07,463 --> 00:03:09,153
you weren't there
when I needed you.
95
00:03:09,258 --> 00:03:10,978
- Know what this is?
It's a harp.
96
00:03:11,087 --> 00:03:13,877
- [whining]
I don't deserve a harp.
97
00:03:13,986 --> 00:03:15,776
- Kev, look, Kev.
Look at this video.
98
00:03:15,885 --> 00:03:17,265
- What?
99
00:03:17,369 --> 00:03:18,919
- ♪ Off the top
with a turban ♪
100
00:03:19,026 --> 00:03:20,956
♪ Yeah I'm keeping it urban
101
00:03:21,062 --> 00:03:24,032
♪ Unh, Black man
versus Superman ♪
102
00:03:24,134 --> 00:03:25,694
- What...what's so
special about that?
103
00:03:25,791 --> 00:03:27,451
- Look how good it look.
Pumpin'.
104
00:03:27,552 --> 00:03:28,732
- ♪ Nae-Nae in the funk
105
00:03:28,829 --> 00:03:29,899
♪ Nae-Nae in the funk
106
00:03:30,002 --> 00:03:31,562
- Who's that little monkey
on the couch?
107
00:03:31,659 --> 00:03:34,589
And who wants a monkey?
Little dirty monkey.
108
00:03:34,697 --> 00:03:36,007
- ♪ Kevin Hart wanna do
109
00:03:36,112 --> 00:03:37,732
♪ What Cannon can,
but he can't ♪
110
00:03:37,838 --> 00:03:39,388
- Is that me on that
couch right there?
111
00:03:39,495 --> 00:03:42,185
- ♪ Put it there,
sleep there, Kevin ♪
112
00:03:42,291 --> 00:03:43,811
- He shot a video at my house?
113
00:03:43,913 --> 00:03:46,713
- That's a nice video
of your house, boy.
114
00:03:46,812 --> 00:03:48,022
"Directed by F. Gary Gray."
115
00:03:48,124 --> 00:03:49,824
No wonder why the video
looks so nice.
116
00:03:49,919 --> 00:03:51,779
- You know what I say, Jackie.
117
00:03:51,886 --> 00:03:53,056
"F" Gary Gray!
118
00:03:53,163 --> 00:03:54,343
Give me this damn thing.
119
00:03:54,441 --> 00:03:55,991
Celebrating another
man's success.
120
00:03:56,097 --> 00:03:57,407
- [glass shatters]
121
00:03:57,513 --> 00:03:58,963
- I want you to do me a favor--
I want you to get
122
00:03:59,066 --> 00:04:00,546
that [bleep] damn
elk out my house.
123
00:04:00,654 --> 00:04:02,214
- I hear you, mitch!
124
00:04:02,311 --> 00:04:05,661
I will leave when I am good
and ready, which is never!
125
00:04:05,762 --> 00:04:07,322
- Hey, Bridgette.
126
00:04:07,419 --> 00:04:08,799
You know, I overheard you
talking about "Spouse Smarts."
127
00:04:08,903 --> 00:04:10,283
That's one of
my favorite shows.
128
00:04:10,388 --> 00:04:12,108
I get all the answers
right on that show.
129
00:04:12,217 --> 00:04:13,937
You know I once almost got
married just to be on that show.
130
00:04:14,046 --> 00:04:16,356
- ["idea" bell dings]
131
00:04:16,463 --> 00:04:21,363
- Hey, why do that when you
could just be my partner?
132
00:04:21,468 --> 00:04:22,778
- Nah.
133
00:04:22,883 --> 00:04:24,683
Kevin said you're
not a good partner
134
00:04:24,781 --> 00:04:25,851
and you don't listen well.
135
00:04:25,955 --> 00:04:27,465
- I didn't hear
what you said.
136
00:04:27,577 --> 00:04:29,367
But listen, I'm thinking
I could forget about the money
137
00:04:29,476 --> 00:04:33,616
that you owe me and give you
20 percent of the winnings.
138
00:04:33,721 --> 00:04:34,721
- Half.
139
00:04:34,826 --> 00:04:36,546
- ["eye wink" dings]
140
00:04:36,655 --> 00:04:38,485
- Okay look, just don't
tell Kevin, okay?
141
00:04:38,588 --> 00:04:40,688
- Of course not,
just sign right there.
142
00:04:40,797 --> 00:04:42,387
- JACKIE: Right here,
right here?
143
00:04:42,489 --> 00:04:45,249
- He does know this is
gonna be on TV, right?
144
00:04:45,354 --> 00:04:48,054
I guess the best friend doesn't
fall too far from the dumb tree.
145
00:04:53,362 --> 00:04:55,852
♪ This is Droppa
at his best, man ♪
146
00:04:55,950 --> 00:04:57,440
♪ Yeah thug swag
147
00:04:57,538 --> 00:04:59,228
♪ Unh, here we go
148
00:04:59,333 --> 00:05:00,513
♪ Nick crying every day
149
00:05:00,610 --> 00:05:02,060
♪ Nick trying every day
150
00:05:02,163 --> 00:05:03,103
♪ Rhymes failing every day
151
00:05:03,199 --> 00:05:04,099
♪ That rap is wack
152
00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:05,270
♪ Nick can't act
153
00:05:05,374 --> 00:05:06,794
♪ I want my money back
154
00:05:06,892 --> 00:05:08,242
♪ I'm so mad at you
155
00:05:08,342 --> 00:05:09,832
♪ I hope they cancel
"Wild 'n Out" ♪
156
00:05:09,930 --> 00:05:11,660
♪ And throw you away
157
00:05:11,759 --> 00:05:14,139
♪ You are equivalent
to doo-doo ♪
158
00:05:14,244 --> 00:05:15,904
♪ Wipe my butt with you
159
00:05:16,005 --> 00:05:17,035
♪ You stink
160
00:05:17,144 --> 00:05:18,114
♪ You smell like doo-doo
161
00:05:18,214 --> 00:05:19,224
♪ [bleep] you, Nick
162
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:21,359
- DIRECTOR: Cut!
- KEVIN: Huh, what?
163
00:05:21,459 --> 00:05:23,149
Oh, my God, I was on
fire on that one.
164
00:05:23,253 --> 00:05:26,293
Right? That's good.
What's up, Spielberg?
165
00:05:26,395 --> 00:05:27,565
- It's Steelbird,
not Spielberg.
166
00:05:27,672 --> 00:05:28,812
- Oh, brother, whatever, man.
167
00:05:28,914 --> 00:05:30,304
Dude, look at what
we're doing right now.
168
00:05:30,399 --> 00:05:32,299
Okay, I know you wish you
could have shot "E.T."
169
00:05:32,401 --> 00:05:33,781
and "Jaws" on a budget
like this, but you didn't.
170
00:05:33,885 --> 00:05:35,575
When people see what we did
with this Snapchat video,
171
00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:36,920
they're gonna be all over you.
172
00:05:37,026 --> 00:05:38,436
- Speaking of budgets,
we're at three million.
173
00:05:38,545 --> 00:05:39,955
- Listen. I'll spend
whatever I need to do
174
00:05:40,063 --> 00:05:41,243
when it comes to
hating on Nick.
175
00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:42,691
- Got it.
- KEVIN: All right?
176
00:05:42,790 --> 00:05:43,900
- Mm-hmm.
177
00:05:43,998 --> 00:05:44,788
- Hell, man, get your
ass up off this stage.
178
00:05:44,896 --> 00:05:46,856
Correcting me in
front of people.
179
00:05:46,967 --> 00:05:48,277
Jackie! Jackie!
180
00:05:48,382 --> 00:05:49,732
Jackie, let me talk to
you for a second.
181
00:05:49,832 --> 00:05:51,012
Okay.
182
00:05:51,109 --> 00:05:52,519
Look, I need you to get
Zuckerberg on the phone
183
00:05:52,628 --> 00:05:54,008
and tell him I need a loan
for a billion dollars.
184
00:05:54,112 --> 00:05:55,422
- Billion?
185
00:05:55,527 --> 00:05:57,077
- A billion.
- Okay.
186
00:05:57,184 --> 00:05:58,464
- Tah-tah, I need you
to do it now.
187
00:05:58,565 --> 00:06:00,215
Skee-daddle.
- JACKIE: I'm on it.
188
00:06:00,325 --> 00:06:01,635
- KEVIN: Thank you.
- NICK: Ooh, hoo, hoo.
189
00:06:01,740 --> 00:06:03,980
This is nice.
Man, it's big budget.
190
00:06:04,087 --> 00:06:06,297
Look like you're spending
a lot of money up here.
191
00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:08,330
- Obviously not on security.
192
00:06:08,437 --> 00:06:09,677
Somebody come get his
nick-knack paddy-whack
193
00:06:09,783 --> 00:06:11,543
kick a dog a bone ass
up out of here.
194
00:06:11,647 --> 00:06:14,057
- I did not come here for
all that, you know?
195
00:06:14,166 --> 00:06:15,506
I just ...heard
something today.
196
00:06:15,616 --> 00:06:17,516
Heard you like finger foods.
197
00:06:17,618 --> 00:06:19,308
- Oh, Nick, will you just stop
with all the hypnotic shit?
198
00:06:19,413 --> 00:06:20,623
Make your point, man.
199
00:06:20,725 --> 00:06:22,065
- Lookie here.
200
00:06:22,174 --> 00:06:24,634
- What's up, everybody?
It is your girl Charmagne.
201
00:06:24,729 --> 00:06:26,459
Let me tell you
a little story.
202
00:06:26,558 --> 00:06:27,798
So there was this one time
203
00:06:27,904 --> 00:06:29,774
that I had went to go
get my nails did.
204
00:06:29,872 --> 00:06:32,672
And, oh, my goodness
to my surprise,
205
00:06:32,771 --> 00:06:37,121
Kevin little freaky Hart wanted
to play fortune teller
206
00:06:37,224 --> 00:06:39,544
with my brand-new
French tips.
207
00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:42,090
So listen, the moral of
the story is this...
208
00:06:42,194 --> 00:06:45,204
Kevin, I want my three
rings back.
209
00:06:45,301 --> 00:06:46,851
- KEVIN: Give me that,
give me that.
210
00:06:46,958 --> 00:06:47,958
Shut it off. Shut it off!
211
00:06:48,062 --> 00:06:49,552
- [water splashes]
212
00:06:49,650 --> 00:06:51,550
- Oh, that don't even matter.
Snapchat's all over it.
213
00:06:51,652 --> 00:06:53,482
Everybody done seen it,
214
00:06:53,585 --> 00:06:56,275
and they done gave it three
thumbs up your ass.
215
00:06:56,381 --> 00:06:59,521
One, two, three.
[laughs]
216
00:06:59,626 --> 00:07:01,836
- KEVIN: Take it off.
Nick, you delete that.
217
00:07:01,938 --> 00:07:04,008
- NICK: [laughs]
- KEVIN: Delete it off, Nick.
218
00:07:04,113 --> 00:07:05,533
- NICK:
Fortune teller.
219
00:07:05,632 --> 00:07:09,192
- CROWD:
[laughing]
220
00:07:09,290 --> 00:07:10,950
- Get your asses up
out my house.
221
00:07:11,051 --> 00:07:13,051
Charmagne, she be lying.
222
00:07:13,156 --> 00:07:15,156
She did not get
her nails did.
223
00:07:15,262 --> 00:07:16,992
Kanye, you need to
call me, brother.
224
00:07:17,091 --> 00:07:19,851
- ♪
225
00:07:19,956 --> 00:07:21,406
- JACKIE: You know,
I've never before been to
226
00:07:21,510 --> 00:07:23,820
Bridgette's house,
and once I saw it,
227
00:07:23,926 --> 00:07:26,826
I realized neither has Kevin.
[groans]
228
00:07:26,929 --> 00:07:29,479
- Watch your step.
- JACKIE: Come here.
229
00:07:29,587 --> 00:07:31,897
- Eww, get off me. Eww!
230
00:07:32,003 --> 00:07:33,873
What's wrong with you?
231
00:07:33,970 --> 00:07:35,730
- Ah.
232
00:07:35,834 --> 00:07:37,014
Woo.
233
00:07:37,111 --> 00:07:38,531
Wow, Bridgette, damn.
234
00:07:38,630 --> 00:07:40,600
This is nice--chandeliers
and everything, huh?
235
00:07:40,701 --> 00:07:42,741
This is definitely
not the trap house
236
00:07:42,841 --> 00:07:44,571
where Kev picks
up the kids from.
237
00:07:44,671 --> 00:07:45,571
Ah...
238
00:07:45,672 --> 00:07:48,432
Who you [bleep], Scarface?
239
00:07:48,537 --> 00:07:50,677
- If you tell,
I'm [bleep] you...
240
00:07:50,780 --> 00:07:52,060
up!
241
00:07:52,161 --> 00:07:55,681
- Oh.
- Cheers.
242
00:07:55,785 --> 00:07:57,955
This is the house
"Ride Along 2" residuals built.
243
00:07:58,063 --> 00:08:00,003
[cackling laughter]
244
00:08:02,516 --> 00:08:04,996
[speaking non-English]
245
00:08:05,105 --> 00:08:07,865
- I have never been in a house
with its own sushi restaurant.
246
00:08:07,970 --> 00:08:10,250
Mmm. You got something
on your face.
247
00:08:10,351 --> 00:08:12,321
Ah.
248
00:08:12,422 --> 00:08:14,292
This is some good
blacktail here.
249
00:08:14,390 --> 00:08:16,150
- It's yellowtail, fool.
250
00:08:16,254 --> 00:08:17,744
- Not the one I'm looking at.
251
00:08:17,842 --> 00:08:19,712
[gasps]
252
00:08:19,809 --> 00:08:21,919
- Come on.
253
00:08:22,018 --> 00:08:23,878
Okay. let's practice.
254
00:08:23,986 --> 00:08:26,126
We are now Bridgette
and Jackie Brown.
255
00:08:26,229 --> 00:08:28,159
That's my maiden name.
256
00:08:28,266 --> 00:08:29,886
- Well, I'm the man.
257
00:08:29,992 --> 00:08:33,482
I think we should
use my maiden name.
258
00:08:33,582 --> 00:08:36,242
- Look, we have to
create a fake marriage.
259
00:08:36,343 --> 00:08:38,623
So how about I'm a stay-at-home
wife and you're an actor?
260
00:08:38,725 --> 00:08:42,275
- I'm an actor?
[laughing]
261
00:08:42,383 --> 00:08:43,943
Woo. Oh, my God.
262
00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:46,220
It's just no one's ever
called me that before.
263
00:08:46,318 --> 00:08:48,178
Okay, so, how many
kids do we have?
264
00:08:48,286 --> 00:08:51,116
- We ain't got no kids, 'cause
you ain't getting any of this.
265
00:08:51,220 --> 00:08:52,810
- Pretend, pretend,
Bridgette.
266
00:08:52,911 --> 00:08:55,021
- Well, pretend you
got some, Jackie.
267
00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:57,160
- Cool.
268
00:08:57,260 --> 00:08:58,470
Ooh.
269
00:08:58,572 --> 00:09:00,332
Man that thing deep
right there.
270
00:09:00,436 --> 00:09:01,466
Right there.
- [sharp slap]
271
00:09:01,575 --> 00:09:03,465
- [groans]
- You pretend too good.
272
00:09:03,577 --> 00:09:05,957
I am not a pretend slut.
- What?
273
00:09:06,062 --> 00:09:07,962
Okay, where are these kids
that we're supposed to have?
274
00:09:08,064 --> 00:09:09,584
- I don't know, in school,
in the street.
275
00:09:09,687 --> 00:09:11,167
Look it doesn't matter,
it's a White neighborhood,
276
00:09:11,274 --> 00:09:12,594
the cops will
bring them home.
277
00:09:12,690 --> 00:09:14,420
I need you to focus.
278
00:09:14,519 --> 00:09:16,419
This is important.
- All right, all right.
279
00:09:16,521 --> 00:09:19,491
- Okay. So, how do you
like your coffee?
280
00:09:19,593 --> 00:09:21,153
- Black like your ass.
281
00:09:21,250 --> 00:09:23,080
- [sharp slap]
- [groans]
282
00:09:23,183 --> 00:09:25,223
Have it sugar and cream.
283
00:09:25,323 --> 00:09:26,573
I didn't mean it like that.
284
00:09:26,669 --> 00:09:28,709
We've been fake married
for ten minutes
285
00:09:28,809 --> 00:09:30,779
and I already
want a divorce.
286
00:09:30,880 --> 00:09:32,500
[laughing]
287
00:09:34,781 --> 00:09:37,541
[grunts]
I might stay married.
288
00:09:41,270 --> 00:09:42,550
- I'm gonna be honest.
I want Nick gone, okay?
289
00:09:42,651 --> 00:09:46,311
Just make sure that none of
this stuff comes back to me.
290
00:09:46,413 --> 00:09:47,903
Now what are we talking
about money wise?
291
00:09:48,001 --> 00:09:49,311
- $500,000.
292
00:09:49,416 --> 00:09:52,066
- I'm sorry, say it again.
- $500,000 cash.
293
00:09:52,177 --> 00:09:56,837
- Ooh. Okay.
[laughs]
294
00:09:56,941 --> 00:09:58,531
Can we do a personal check?
295
00:09:58,632 --> 00:10:00,192
'Cause that's where all my money
is, it's in my personal account.
296
00:10:00,289 --> 00:10:02,909
Can we do that?
Y'all got a problem with that?
297
00:10:03,016 --> 00:10:05,706
- Okay, fine.
- Okay, my guy, my guy.
298
00:10:05,812 --> 00:10:07,302
All right.
299
00:10:07,399 --> 00:10:08,879
Let's go ahead,
let me get you your money.
300
00:10:08,987 --> 00:10:12,057
I'm gonna make it out to you.
Now validate it.
301
00:10:12,163 --> 00:10:13,723
So what I'm gonna do is
I'm gonna put my social,
302
00:10:13,820 --> 00:10:15,650
I'm gonna put my driver's
license number on here, too.
303
00:10:15,753 --> 00:10:18,553
And my tax ID, 'cause I don't
want you having no problems.
304
00:10:18,652 --> 00:10:20,172
Take that, right?
305
00:10:20,274 --> 00:10:22,214
Now listen to me,
and you listen good.
306
00:10:22,311 --> 00:10:25,971
I do not want this coming
back to bite me in the ass.
307
00:10:26,073 --> 00:10:27,943
Nobody can know about this.
You hear me?
308
00:10:28,041 --> 00:10:29,281
- [door opens]
- I don't--
309
00:10:29,387 --> 00:10:32,047
- Kevin! What's popping,
my Nigerian?
310
00:10:32,148 --> 00:10:34,458
- Hey, what's up, Nick?
Ain't nothing going on here.
311
00:10:34,564 --> 00:10:36,644
[silently]
312
00:10:36,739 --> 00:10:37,949
What's up, man?
313
00:10:38,051 --> 00:10:39,431
- Kevin, can I talk to
you real quick?
314
00:10:39,535 --> 00:10:40,985
- Uh, yeah, what's up?
What's going on?
315
00:10:41,088 --> 00:10:42,638
- Um, alone.
316
00:10:42,745 --> 00:10:44,295
- Oh, yeah,
they was leaving.
317
00:10:44,402 --> 00:10:45,512
These are my exterminators.
I just hired these guys.
318
00:10:45,610 --> 00:10:48,480
Found a [bleep] damn bat
with a turtle on his back.
319
00:10:48,578 --> 00:10:50,578
[laughs]
Yeah, come on, let's go, guys.
320
00:10:50,684 --> 00:10:52,204
Let's try to get it out.
321
00:10:52,306 --> 00:10:54,166
- Well-dressed
exterminators.
322
00:10:54,274 --> 00:10:56,074
- All right, guys,
always good to see you.
323
00:10:56,172 --> 00:11:00,312
Hey, man, you don't kill that
bat on my property, okay?
324
00:11:00,418 --> 00:11:03,178
You kill it when it gets
off my property.
325
00:11:05,734 --> 00:11:09,084
All right.
[clears throat]
326
00:11:09,185 --> 00:11:12,325
- Bats with security,
turtles?
327
00:11:12,430 --> 00:11:14,290
- Brother, I don't know if you
seen the bats around here,
328
00:11:14,397 --> 00:11:16,567
but they're doing all
types of incredible shit.
329
00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:18,226
- Look, either way, man, I got
something I gotta show you.
330
00:11:18,332 --> 00:11:20,062
Check this out.
- What's that?
331
00:11:20,162 --> 00:11:22,472
- Hey, man, hey, Nickelodeon,
man, hey, Kevin Hart.
332
00:11:22,578 --> 00:11:25,128
Hey what, what hey, Chocolate
Droppa, whatever wack, bro.
333
00:11:25,236 --> 00:11:26,956
Y'all need to drop
that shit now, man.
334
00:11:27,065 --> 00:11:28,955
Stop that wack battle now.
335
00:11:29,067 --> 00:11:31,407
It's like Iggy Azalea
versus IceJJFish.
336
00:11:31,518 --> 00:11:34,068
Nobody cares, bro.
I'm telling you.
337
00:11:34,176 --> 00:11:35,376
Let's change the name
of the show, dawg,
338
00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:36,797
from "Wild 'n Out"
to "Old 'n Out."
339
00:11:36,903 --> 00:11:38,213
- CROWD:
[laughing]
340
00:11:38,318 --> 00:11:39,488
- Talk to me if you
like music group,
341
00:11:39,595 --> 00:11:41,355
get at me if you
got a problem, what?
342
00:11:41,459 --> 00:11:43,119
- Wait a minute now,
hold on now.
343
00:11:43,219 --> 00:11:45,359
Who the hell is that?
- Problem.
344
00:11:45,463 --> 00:11:47,333
- No, I know he's a problem,
I'm saying who is he?
345
00:11:47,430 --> 00:11:50,500
- No his rap name is Problem.
That's what the rappers do.
346
00:11:50,606 --> 00:11:53,256
They name their self really bad
stuff to make them tougher.
347
00:11:53,367 --> 00:11:55,397
Like you could be
like M.C. Genital Warts.
348
00:11:55,507 --> 00:11:57,817
- You know what? I got somebody
for his mother [bleep] ass.
349
00:11:57,924 --> 00:11:59,414
- No, this is an opportunity.
350
00:11:59,511 --> 00:12:00,751
We gangster rappers, we can
handle this on our own.
351
00:12:00,858 --> 00:12:03,788
We go down there to the
Dragonfly, bum rush the stage.
352
00:12:03,895 --> 00:12:06,375
Matter of fact, you drive,
I'll get your car seat.
353
00:12:07,899 --> 00:12:10,179
- Wait, go. Go, go, go.
354
00:12:11,385 --> 00:12:13,935
You okay, Nick?
- NICK: Yeah.
355
00:12:14,043 --> 00:12:15,493
- KEVIN: Shit!
356
00:12:16,908 --> 00:12:18,768
- You know these last couple
of days getting ready
357
00:12:18,876 --> 00:12:22,016
for "Spouse Smarts" really
brought me and Jackie together.
358
00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:24,230
It almost feels
like a real marriage.
359
00:12:24,329 --> 00:12:25,879
- Yeah, all we do is
argue and fight.
360
00:12:25,986 --> 00:12:28,706
- And we don't [bleep].
It's just like a real marriage.
361
00:12:28,817 --> 00:12:31,987
- Today's players are:
Melanie and Charles Ellis
362
00:12:32,096 --> 00:12:33,886
from Charlotte,
North Carolina.
363
00:12:33,994 --> 00:12:35,134
- AUDIENCE: [applauding]
- BOTH: Hi!
364
00:12:35,237 --> 00:12:37,237
- TODD: And Bridgette
and Jackie Brown
365
00:12:37,342 --> 00:12:39,142
from Pasadena, California.
366
00:12:39,241 --> 00:12:41,171
- AUDIENCE: [applauding]
- Hey!
367
00:12:41,277 --> 00:12:44,447
- Let's play "Spouse Smarts."
- [game show music]
368
00:12:44,556 --> 00:12:47,656
- [bell rings]
- Louis the 14th.
369
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:49,217
- Correct.
- [bell dings]
370
00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:52,010
- [bell rings]
- The monarch butterfly.
371
00:12:52,116 --> 00:12:56,566
- That's right.
- JACKIE: [laughing]
372
00:12:56,672 --> 00:12:58,292
- [bell rings]
373
00:12:58,398 --> 00:13:02,198
- Alan Greenspan, Desi Arnaz...
- ...Jay Z, and Kermit The Frog.
374
00:13:02,298 --> 00:13:03,298
- They've got it.
- AUDIENCE: [applauding]
375
00:13:03,403 --> 00:13:06,613
- JACKIE: [laughs]
- Ooh!
376
00:13:06,716 --> 00:13:08,546
- [bell rings]
- Bushy.
377
00:13:08,649 --> 00:13:10,439
- That is incorrect.
- [buzzer rings]
378
00:13:10,548 --> 00:13:12,138
- Bushy?
379
00:13:12,239 --> 00:13:14,169
Well, then why have I been
waxing all these years?
380
00:13:14,276 --> 00:13:17,136
- Guess he don't like
Becky with the good hair.
381
00:13:17,244 --> 00:13:20,214
- [bell rings]
- Black, like my ass.
382
00:13:20,316 --> 00:13:23,346
- JACKIE: [laughs]
- That is absolutely right.
383
00:13:23,457 --> 00:13:28,357
- Doves, seahorses, and humans.
- Ooh, I'm sorry.
384
00:13:28,462 --> 00:13:31,912
- Lovebirds, Gibbons,
and titty monkeys.
385
00:13:32,018 --> 00:13:33,468
- That's what we were
looking for.
386
00:13:33,571 --> 00:13:34,471
- JACKIE: Rrrrr!
387
00:13:34,572 --> 00:13:38,062
- I am about to get paid.
[laughs]
388
00:13:38,162 --> 00:13:40,892
- Don't you mean we?
- Yeah, whatever.
389
00:13:40,992 --> 00:13:43,862
- This is really starting to
feel like a damn marriage.
390
00:13:48,551 --> 00:13:49,521
- Well, Jackie and Bridgette,
391
00:13:49,621 --> 00:13:51,001
you have made it
to our final round.
392
00:13:51,106 --> 00:13:52,276
- [squeals]
393
00:13:52,383 --> 00:13:58,393
- Now you can bet nothing
and walk home with $75,258
394
00:13:58,492 --> 00:14:01,222
or you can bet it all.
395
00:14:01,323 --> 00:14:04,503
- We're gonna bet it all, Todd!
- Wait, wait, okay?
396
00:14:04,602 --> 00:14:06,362
Uh, I don't wanna bet.
- [heavy punch]
397
00:14:06,466 --> 00:14:10,156
- [groans] Whatever
my wife says, bet.
398
00:14:10,263 --> 00:14:11,713
- I guess we know who wears
the pads in the Brown family.
399
00:14:11,816 --> 00:14:14,436
- AUDIENCE: [laughs]
400
00:14:14,543 --> 00:14:16,513
- Okay, to quadruple
your money,
401
00:14:16,614 --> 00:14:21,174
the final category is:
biogenetics.
402
00:14:21,274 --> 00:14:23,004
- Is it still too late
to take the money?
403
00:14:23,103 --> 00:14:24,453
- TODD: I'm afraid
so, Jackie.
404
00:14:24,553 --> 00:14:26,693
Here is your question.
405
00:14:26,796 --> 00:14:30,516
What is the velocity
of human spermatozoa?
406
00:14:30,628 --> 00:14:32,248
- I know the velocity
of poverty.
407
00:14:32,354 --> 00:14:33,634
- [bell rings]
408
00:14:33,734 --> 00:14:35,014
- Bridgette, do you
know the answer?
409
00:14:35,115 --> 00:14:36,665
- Hell, yes.
410
00:14:36,772 --> 00:14:40,092
I was married to the fastest
nut-busted in America.
411
00:14:40,189 --> 00:14:41,809
If a sperm is 40 microns in
length, and most fallopian tubes
412
00:14:41,915 --> 00:14:45,125
are on average
175 millimeters in length,
413
00:14:45,229 --> 00:14:47,539
it takes about 45 minutes
to go from grunt to egg,
414
00:14:47,645 --> 00:14:48,745
so that means that sperm
travels at a rate of
415
00:14:48,853 --> 00:14:51,413
5-millimeters-per-minute.
416
00:14:51,511 --> 00:14:53,101
So if a sperm was
the size of a salmon,
417
00:14:53,202 --> 00:14:58,212
that would mean that the sperm
travels at 500-miles-per-hour.
418
00:14:58,311 --> 00:14:59,801
- You are right!
- [bell dings]
419
00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:03,349
- JACKIE: [screaming]
- [game show music]
420
00:15:03,454 --> 00:15:09,634
- Jackie and Bridgette,
you have just won $301,032.
421
00:15:09,736 --> 00:15:11,906
- You might not be
able to tell it,
422
00:15:12,014 --> 00:15:14,294
but there's a salmon croquette
in my pants right now.
423
00:15:14,396 --> 00:15:15,846
Bridgette!
424
00:15:15,949 --> 00:15:19,879
[kissing]
- BRIDGETTE: [straining]
425
00:15:19,988 --> 00:15:21,128
[gasps]
426
00:15:21,230 --> 00:15:22,750
Oh, hell, no!
427
00:15:22,852 --> 00:15:24,372
Don't nobody stick their
tongue down my throat
428
00:15:24,475 --> 00:15:26,265
except my husband, mitch.
429
00:15:26,373 --> 00:15:28,893
- I am your husband.
- You ain't my damn husband.
430
00:15:28,997 --> 00:15:30,957
- [buzzer rings]
- AUDIENCE: Awww...
431
00:15:31,068 --> 00:15:33,968
- Did I hear you
correctly, Bridgette?
432
00:15:34,071 --> 00:15:35,831
- No.
433
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:39,795
What I said was I'm not used
to calling you my husband
434
00:15:39,904 --> 00:15:40,774
since we're newlyweds.
435
00:15:40,870 --> 00:15:43,770
Come here, Jackie.
436
00:15:43,873 --> 00:15:45,953
- Oh, you don't love me.
- Come here!
437
00:15:46,048 --> 00:15:49,808
- I'm sorry but I'm afraid
you two are disqualified.
438
00:15:49,914 --> 00:15:54,644
- ♪
439
00:15:54,746 --> 00:15:58,846
- [unintelligible rap lyrics]
440
00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:05,478
♪
441
00:16:05,585 --> 00:16:07,305
- KEVIN: Yo, cut it off,
cut it off.
442
00:16:07,414 --> 00:16:09,144
Boy, if you don't get your
Ruben Studdard-lookin'
443
00:16:09,244 --> 00:16:10,144
ass up off me...
444
00:16:10,245 --> 00:16:11,375
Back your ass up.
445
00:16:11,487 --> 00:16:12,627
- Hold on up.
446
00:16:12,730 --> 00:16:14,110
I would like to
introduce you guys
447
00:16:14,214 --> 00:16:16,734
to the worst two rappers
in the world.
448
00:16:16,837 --> 00:16:20,877
Nick "Can Not Rap".
- CROWD: [laughs]
449
00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:23,400
- And the Chocolate
Flopper right here, man.
450
00:16:23,499 --> 00:16:24,909
- CROWD: [laughing]
- NICK: I got this, I got this.
451
00:16:25,018 --> 00:16:27,498
Why don't we do this
the old school way?
452
00:16:27,607 --> 00:16:29,057
- Ooh, now you talking, Nick.
453
00:16:29,160 --> 00:16:31,270
- Ain't no other way
y'all can do it.
454
00:16:31,369 --> 00:16:32,959
- CROWD:
[laughing]
455
00:16:33,061 --> 00:16:34,411
- KEVIN: We're about
to take this one
456
00:16:34,510 --> 00:16:36,030
straight back to the city.
457
00:16:36,133 --> 00:16:37,653
We're gonna drop bars
right here on this stage.
458
00:16:37,755 --> 00:16:39,235
- NICK: Uh!
459
00:16:39,343 --> 00:16:40,863
- Let the people decide
who's wack and who's not.
460
00:16:40,965 --> 00:16:43,545
Huh-huh.
- NICK: Ra!
461
00:16:43,657 --> 00:16:45,067
- Dropping bars for fun?
462
00:16:45,176 --> 00:16:46,826
That's not how Diamond Lanes
do that, man.
463
00:16:46,936 --> 00:16:49,416
We get paid around here, bro.
- Okay.
464
00:16:49,525 --> 00:16:51,035
You wanna have some fun?
Talking about getting paid.
465
00:16:51,148 --> 00:16:55,008
Why don't we put up some keys?
- That's all we gotta do?
466
00:16:55,117 --> 00:16:57,497
Boy. No, man,
that's what we want?
467
00:16:57,602 --> 00:16:59,602
Huh, Nick, I stay with keys.
468
00:16:59,708 --> 00:17:01,428
Mercedes keys.
- Mercedes.
469
00:17:01,537 --> 00:17:02,947
- Ooh, ooh, ooh. Burn.
470
00:17:03,056 --> 00:17:06,816
- Introducing your
girlfriend's Scion's keys.
471
00:17:06,922 --> 00:17:08,272
- CROWD:
[laughing]
472
00:17:08,372 --> 00:17:10,412
- KEVIN: What the [bleep]
is a Scion? [bleep] it.
473
00:17:10,512 --> 00:17:13,412
It's about to be
a lyrical warfare.
474
00:17:13,515 --> 00:17:15,025
- NICK: Uh, drop the beat.
475
00:17:15,137 --> 00:17:19,687
- ♪
476
00:17:19,797 --> 00:17:21,517
- ♪ Problem
477
00:17:21,626 --> 00:17:22,696
♪ Ain't even a problem
478
00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:23,770
♪ Matter of fact
479
00:17:23,870 --> 00:17:25,490
♪ He's not a problem
480
00:17:25,596 --> 00:17:26,486
♪ I'm looking like
481
00:17:26,597 --> 00:17:27,457
♪ What's the problem
482
00:17:27,563 --> 00:17:29,363
♪ Coming around here
483
00:17:29,462 --> 00:17:30,602
♪ With no career
484
00:17:30,704 --> 00:17:31,914
♪ Looking all dead
485
00:17:32,016 --> 00:17:33,396
♪ Like you in the spread
486
00:17:33,500 --> 00:17:35,260
♪ Now you comin' 'round
487
00:17:35,364 --> 00:17:38,404
- CROWD:
[booing]
488
00:17:38,505 --> 00:17:40,955
- Stick to the comedy, bro.
Let's get to the real shit.
489
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:42,370
Hold on, hold on, hold on,
let me catch it.
490
00:17:42,475 --> 00:17:45,435
Y'all ready for some real shit?
- CROWD: [cheering]
491
00:18:03,461 --> 00:18:04,951
- CROWD: Ohhhh!
- KEVIN:: Let's go, Nick.
492
00:18:05,049 --> 00:18:06,399
- ♪ Problem child
493
00:18:06,499 --> 00:18:07,779
♪ Smile Kool-Aid
494
00:18:07,879 --> 00:18:09,469
♪ Matter of fact that's
the way I got it made ♪
495
00:18:09,571 --> 00:18:10,541
♪ Kevin is game
496
00:18:10,641 --> 00:18:11,471
♪ You a little arcane
497
00:18:11,573 --> 00:18:13,263
♪ 'Cause, uh, mitch
498
00:18:13,368 --> 00:18:16,608
♪ You just got played
499
00:18:16,716 --> 00:18:19,406
Problem signed with me.
He on my label.
500
00:18:19,512 --> 00:18:22,032
This my dude.
Got him.
501
00:18:22,135 --> 00:18:23,095
- PROBLEM: Diamond.
- Diamond.
502
00:18:26,864 --> 00:18:28,594
- [horn blaring]
503
00:18:28,693 --> 00:18:31,013
- KEVIN: Come on.
504
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:33,870
Wait a minute, is that...
is that Bridgette right there?
505
00:18:33,974 --> 00:18:35,804
- [brakes screech]
506
00:18:37,495 --> 00:18:39,595
- KEVIN:
Ooh. Jackie?
507
00:18:39,704 --> 00:18:41,294
Jackie!
508
00:18:41,396 --> 00:18:44,186
Oh, no! Oh, my God.
509
00:18:44,295 --> 00:18:47,775
Jackie! Jackie!
510
00:18:47,885 --> 00:18:49,125
You killed Jackie?
511
00:18:49,231 --> 00:18:50,581
- That's right,
Little Mitchard.
512
00:18:50,681 --> 00:18:52,441
Now close the door before
I do the same thing to you.
513
00:18:55,582 --> 00:18:57,382
- [tires squealing]
514
00:18:57,481 --> 00:18:59,621
- All right, man.
515
00:18:59,724 --> 00:19:01,424
Jackie!
516
00:19:01,519 --> 00:19:03,829
Look, you can't breathe
or nothing, Jackie?
517
00:19:03,935 --> 00:19:06,415
You probably need
mouth-to-mouth, too.
518
00:19:06,524 --> 00:19:10,084
I tell you what.
You gonna die tonight, Jackie.
519
00:19:10,183 --> 00:19:13,013
I'll be damned if I put my mouth
on another man's mouth.
520
00:19:13,117 --> 00:19:15,837
You're a dead [bleep]
tonight, man.
521
00:19:15,947 --> 00:19:17,707
- NICK: Hey, homie,
you need some help?
522
00:19:17,811 --> 00:19:20,711
[laughing]
Woo!
523
00:19:20,814 --> 00:19:22,994
- You know what? Laugh now,
but I'm gonna get you both.
524
00:19:23,092 --> 00:19:26,302
- Problem is I got your mother
[bleep] car, you moron!
525
00:19:26,406 --> 00:19:27,926
- NICK:
[laughing]
526
00:19:28,028 --> 00:19:30,858
You ain't even notice.
Diamond Lane, incredible.
527
00:19:30,962 --> 00:19:32,522
We got a joint together.
528
00:19:32,619 --> 00:19:33,759
- You know what?
529
00:19:33,862 --> 00:19:35,522
I got something for you
and Problem child.
530
00:19:35,622 --> 00:19:36,932
- What, what, what you got?
531
00:19:37,037 --> 00:19:38,757
Them goons that you
sent to kill me?
532
00:19:38,867 --> 00:19:40,417
- What goons you talking about?
You can't connect me to that.
533
00:19:40,524 --> 00:19:43,874
- Man, they're my cousins.
- NICK: [laughing]
534
00:19:47,151 --> 00:19:49,641
- Oh, shit! Jackie?
What the--
535
00:19:49,740 --> 00:19:52,540
Jackie, I thought
you was dead!
536
00:19:52,639 --> 00:19:54,849
- I heard you like
fortune tellers.
537
00:19:56,298 --> 00:19:57,538
- Oh, damn that.
538
00:19:57,644 --> 00:19:59,274
Jackie!
539
00:19:59,370 --> 00:20:00,200
Jackie-e-e-e-e!
540
00:20:04,030 --> 00:20:19,740
- ♪
40057
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