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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,588 --> 00:00:03,968 - Top five rappers of all time. 2 00:00:04,073 --> 00:00:06,903 - Number one: Tupac. - All right, I'm with you. 3 00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:08,657 - Jay Z. - All right. 4 00:00:08,767 --> 00:00:10,147 - Ice Cube. - KEVIN: Okay. 5 00:00:10,251 --> 00:00:12,531 - BORIS: All right. - Andre 3000. 6 00:00:12,633 --> 00:00:14,013 - I like him. - All right, okay. 7 00:00:14,117 --> 00:00:18,117 - And to top it off, the greatest rapper of all time, 8 00:00:18,225 --> 00:00:21,875 straight lyricist, baller Nick Cannon. 9 00:00:21,987 --> 00:00:23,637 - First of all, Nick, you got some damn nerve. 10 00:00:23,747 --> 00:00:25,027 - What are you talking about? 11 00:00:25,128 --> 00:00:26,748 - You're on the list of best rappers of all time? 12 00:00:26,854 --> 00:00:28,994 - I'm a lyricist. You've seen my poetry. 13 00:00:29,098 --> 00:00:31,408 - I saw "Chi-Raq" and that wasn't worth a damn. 14 00:00:31,514 --> 00:00:32,834 All them damn close-ups of you 15 00:00:32,929 --> 00:00:33,959 doing a bunch of mumbo-jumbo bullshit. 16 00:00:34,068 --> 00:00:37,138 Made my balls itch. - Why you hating? 17 00:00:37,244 --> 00:00:38,974 - I'm not hating, brother. - It is the truth. 18 00:00:39,073 --> 00:00:40,633 - KEVIN: I'm speaking it real. 19 00:00:40,730 --> 00:00:42,390 You wanna get real rough, rugged, raw again 20 00:00:42,490 --> 00:00:44,040 for the second time, 21 00:00:44,147 --> 00:00:45,767 Droppa could come out here and make it do what it did. 22 00:00:45,873 --> 00:00:48,123 - Every time you done came on-- - Y'all did it. 23 00:00:48,220 --> 00:00:52,090 Y'all did it to yourselves. You did it to yourselves. 24 00:00:52,190 --> 00:00:54,020 You will get the bars right now. 25 00:00:54,123 --> 00:00:56,263 About to set it off like Jada Pinkett up in here. 26 00:00:56,366 --> 00:00:58,846 ♪ Sitting here with Nick Cannon and he looking like shit ♪ 27 00:00:58,955 --> 00:01:00,915 ♪ Looking at his face is making me sick ♪ 28 00:01:01,026 --> 00:01:02,336 ♪ Toilet paper, drop it 29 00:01:02,441 --> 00:01:03,481 ♪ Brown skid, wipe it 30 00:01:03,580 --> 00:01:05,410 ♪ Droppa out and now I'm gonna top it ♪ 31 00:01:05,513 --> 00:01:06,963 ♪ Look at my butt 32 00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:08,547 ♪ Mmm! 33 00:01:08,654 --> 00:01:10,594 Come on, man, let me post that. 34 00:01:10,691 --> 00:01:13,001 - [cell phone music] - Come on. 35 00:01:13,107 --> 00:01:15,697 - NICK: Kev, no you didn't. You mother-- 36 00:01:15,799 --> 00:01:17,659 - See this? 37 00:01:17,767 --> 00:01:19,217 - ♪ This is the life, this is the life ♪ 38 00:01:19,320 --> 00:01:21,150 ♪ We got the life, we got the life ♪ 39 00:01:21,253 --> 00:01:23,293 ♪ This is the city where we party every night ♪ 40 00:01:23,393 --> 00:01:25,093 ♪ Party every night 41 00:01:25,188 --> 00:01:28,778 ♪ Just you and me, down and to go ♪ 42 00:01:28,881 --> 00:01:30,711 ♪ Welcome to Hollywood, welcome to Hollywood ♪ 43 00:01:30,814 --> 00:01:33,134 ♪ Welcome to Hollywood ♪ 44 00:01:33,231 --> 00:01:36,301 - ♪ 45 00:01:36,406 --> 00:01:38,576 - ♪ Yeah, Chocolate Droppa not afraid ♪ 46 00:01:38,684 --> 00:01:40,174 ♪ I'm not afraid 47 00:01:40,272 --> 00:01:42,762 ♪ Nick Cannon, girlie made 48 00:01:42,861 --> 00:01:45,001 - Kevin? - JACKIE: Killed that! 49 00:01:45,105 --> 00:01:46,585 - What's going... come on, man? 50 00:01:46,692 --> 00:01:48,042 How the hell you get in my house? 51 00:01:48,142 --> 00:01:49,322 - Well I tried to use the front door, but for some reason 52 00:01:49,419 --> 00:01:50,829 my key was not working. 53 00:01:50,938 --> 00:01:52,458 So I took the liberty of coming through the window. 54 00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:53,840 Now listen, I have a really, really great idea. 55 00:01:53,941 --> 00:01:55,081 - Okay, not right now. 56 00:01:55,184 --> 00:01:57,154 Just give me... give me a second, okay? 57 00:01:57,255 --> 00:01:58,455 It's too much right now. Did you post that? 58 00:01:58,566 --> 00:01:59,706 - Did I post it? 59 00:01:59,809 --> 00:02:00,499 Boy, you already got 300 bazillion hits. 60 00:02:00,603 --> 00:02:02,333 - ♪ Hey 61 00:02:02,432 --> 00:02:04,952 - Kevin, stop playing on the phone, listen. 62 00:02:05,055 --> 00:02:05,775 - What you talking about? - I have a question. 63 00:02:05,884 --> 00:02:07,094 - KEVIN: What? 64 00:02:07,196 --> 00:02:08,846 - Do you know that game show "Spouse Smarts"? 65 00:02:08,956 --> 00:02:10,816 - It's a show, the couples get together, 66 00:02:10,923 --> 00:02:13,033 they compete for all types of cash and prizes. 67 00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:14,243 I know exactly what you're talking about. 68 00:02:14,341 --> 00:02:15,791 - That's right. 69 00:02:15,894 --> 00:02:17,244 - What I think you don't know is that we're not married anymore. 70 00:02:17,344 --> 00:02:19,354 Maybe this is news to you, but we haven't been married 71 00:02:19,449 --> 00:02:22,249 since way before season one, Bridgette. 72 00:02:22,349 --> 00:02:24,249 Now I bring that up, the girl that we had play Bridgette 73 00:02:24,351 --> 00:02:26,531 on season one was a way better Bridgette than you. 74 00:02:26,629 --> 00:02:28,359 - [squeals] 75 00:02:28,458 --> 00:02:29,838 - KEVIN: She was an angel. 76 00:02:29,942 --> 00:02:32,572 I almost remarried season one Bridgette-- 77 00:02:32,669 --> 00:02:34,079 until she tried to kill me. 78 00:02:34,188 --> 00:02:36,638 - I need you to stop being spouse stupid, 79 00:02:36,742 --> 00:02:37,882 and I need you to sign this release-- 80 00:02:37,985 --> 00:02:39,325 - I'm not signing that. 81 00:02:39,435 --> 00:02:40,815 - Because we are gonna be on "Spouse Smarts" together. 82 00:02:40,919 --> 00:02:41,949 You are gonna sign this. 83 00:02:42,058 --> 00:02:43,468 - We are not. I'm not signing nothing. 84 00:02:43,577 --> 00:02:45,197 - I don't ask you for much. - That's a lie. 85 00:02:45,303 --> 00:02:48,133 - Kevin, sign it. - Not gonna make nobody sign it. 86 00:02:48,237 --> 00:02:49,857 Ow! - Sign the paper, Kevin. 87 00:02:49,962 --> 00:02:51,142 - Ow! - Are you gonna sign the paper? 88 00:02:51,240 --> 00:02:53,170 - You're putting me in one of them MMA holds. 89 00:02:53,276 --> 00:02:56,136 Get off of me. You're like a--ow! 90 00:02:56,245 --> 00:02:59,275 You're like a man in a skirt. Just back up. 91 00:02:59,386 --> 00:03:01,416 I ain't doing no damn show with you. 92 00:03:01,526 --> 00:03:03,976 - [whining] Every time I ask you to do the littlest thing 93 00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:07,360 for your kids' mom, who you knocked up twice, 94 00:03:07,463 --> 00:03:09,153 you weren't there when I needed you. 95 00:03:09,258 --> 00:03:10,978 - Know what this is? It's a harp. 96 00:03:11,087 --> 00:03:13,877 - [whining] I don't deserve a harp. 97 00:03:13,986 --> 00:03:15,776 - Kev, look, Kev. Look at this video. 98 00:03:15,885 --> 00:03:17,265 - What? 99 00:03:17,369 --> 00:03:18,919 - ♪ Off the top with a turban ♪ 100 00:03:19,026 --> 00:03:20,956 ♪ Yeah I'm keeping it urban 101 00:03:21,062 --> 00:03:24,032 ♪ Unh, Black man versus Superman ♪ 102 00:03:24,134 --> 00:03:25,694 - What...what's so special about that? 103 00:03:25,791 --> 00:03:27,451 - Look how good it look. Pumpin'. 104 00:03:27,552 --> 00:03:28,732 - ♪ Nae-Nae in the funk 105 00:03:28,829 --> 00:03:29,899 ♪ Nae-Nae in the funk 106 00:03:30,002 --> 00:03:31,562 - Who's that little monkey on the couch? 107 00:03:31,659 --> 00:03:34,589 And who wants a monkey? Little dirty monkey. 108 00:03:34,697 --> 00:03:36,007 - ♪ Kevin Hart wanna do 109 00:03:36,112 --> 00:03:37,732 ♪ What Cannon can, but he can't ♪ 110 00:03:37,838 --> 00:03:39,388 - Is that me on that couch right there? 111 00:03:39,495 --> 00:03:42,185 - ♪ Put it there, sleep there, Kevin ♪ 112 00:03:42,291 --> 00:03:43,811 - He shot a video at my house? 113 00:03:43,913 --> 00:03:46,713 - That's a nice video of your house, boy. 114 00:03:46,812 --> 00:03:48,022 "Directed by F. Gary Gray." 115 00:03:48,124 --> 00:03:49,824 No wonder why the video looks so nice. 116 00:03:49,919 --> 00:03:51,779 - You know what I say, Jackie. 117 00:03:51,886 --> 00:03:53,056 "F" Gary Gray! 118 00:03:53,163 --> 00:03:54,343 Give me this damn thing. 119 00:03:54,441 --> 00:03:55,991 Celebrating another man's success. 120 00:03:56,097 --> 00:03:57,407 - [glass shatters] 121 00:03:57,513 --> 00:03:58,963 - I want you to do me a favor-- I want you to get 122 00:03:59,066 --> 00:04:00,546 that [bleep] damn elk out my house. 123 00:04:00,654 --> 00:04:02,214 - I hear you, mitch! 124 00:04:02,311 --> 00:04:05,661 I will leave when I am good and ready, which is never! 125 00:04:05,762 --> 00:04:07,322 - Hey, Bridgette. 126 00:04:07,419 --> 00:04:08,799 You know, I overheard you talking about "Spouse Smarts." 127 00:04:08,903 --> 00:04:10,283 That's one of my favorite shows. 128 00:04:10,388 --> 00:04:12,108 I get all the answers right on that show. 129 00:04:12,217 --> 00:04:13,937 You know I once almost got married just to be on that show. 130 00:04:14,046 --> 00:04:16,356 - ["idea" bell dings] 131 00:04:16,463 --> 00:04:21,363 - Hey, why do that when you could just be my partner? 132 00:04:21,468 --> 00:04:22,778 - Nah. 133 00:04:22,883 --> 00:04:24,683 Kevin said you're not a good partner 134 00:04:24,781 --> 00:04:25,851 and you don't listen well. 135 00:04:25,955 --> 00:04:27,465 - I didn't hear what you said. 136 00:04:27,577 --> 00:04:29,367 But listen, I'm thinking I could forget about the money 137 00:04:29,476 --> 00:04:33,616 that you owe me and give you 20 percent of the winnings. 138 00:04:33,721 --> 00:04:34,721 - Half. 139 00:04:34,826 --> 00:04:36,546 - ["eye wink" dings] 140 00:04:36,655 --> 00:04:38,485 - Okay look, just don't tell Kevin, okay? 141 00:04:38,588 --> 00:04:40,688 - Of course not, just sign right there. 142 00:04:40,797 --> 00:04:42,387 - JACKIE: Right here, right here? 143 00:04:42,489 --> 00:04:45,249 - He does know this is gonna be on TV, right? 144 00:04:45,354 --> 00:04:48,054 I guess the best friend doesn't fall too far from the dumb tree. 145 00:04:53,362 --> 00:04:55,852 ♪ This is Droppa at his best, man ♪ 146 00:04:55,950 --> 00:04:57,440 ♪ Yeah thug swag 147 00:04:57,538 --> 00:04:59,228 ♪ Unh, here we go 148 00:04:59,333 --> 00:05:00,513 ♪ Nick crying every day 149 00:05:00,610 --> 00:05:02,060 ♪ Nick trying every day 150 00:05:02,163 --> 00:05:03,103 ♪ Rhymes failing every day 151 00:05:03,199 --> 00:05:04,099 ♪ That rap is wack 152 00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:05,270 ♪ Nick can't act 153 00:05:05,374 --> 00:05:06,794 ♪ I want my money back 154 00:05:06,892 --> 00:05:08,242 ♪ I'm so mad at you 155 00:05:08,342 --> 00:05:09,832 ♪ I hope they cancel "Wild 'n Out" ♪ 156 00:05:09,930 --> 00:05:11,660 ♪ And throw you away 157 00:05:11,759 --> 00:05:14,139 ♪ You are equivalent to doo-doo ♪ 158 00:05:14,244 --> 00:05:15,904 ♪ Wipe my butt with you 159 00:05:16,005 --> 00:05:17,035 ♪ You stink 160 00:05:17,144 --> 00:05:18,114 ♪ You smell like doo-doo 161 00:05:18,214 --> 00:05:19,224 ♪ [bleep] you, Nick 162 00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:21,359 - DIRECTOR: Cut! - KEVIN: Huh, what? 163 00:05:21,459 --> 00:05:23,149 Oh, my God, I was on fire on that one. 164 00:05:23,253 --> 00:05:26,293 Right? That's good. What's up, Spielberg? 165 00:05:26,395 --> 00:05:27,565 - It's Steelbird, not Spielberg. 166 00:05:27,672 --> 00:05:28,812 - Oh, brother, whatever, man. 167 00:05:28,914 --> 00:05:30,304 Dude, look at what we're doing right now. 168 00:05:30,399 --> 00:05:32,299 Okay, I know you wish you could have shot "E.T." 169 00:05:32,401 --> 00:05:33,781 and "Jaws" on a budget like this, but you didn't. 170 00:05:33,885 --> 00:05:35,575 When people see what we did with this Snapchat video, 171 00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:36,920 they're gonna be all over you. 172 00:05:37,026 --> 00:05:38,436 - Speaking of budgets, we're at three million. 173 00:05:38,545 --> 00:05:39,955 - Listen. I'll spend whatever I need to do 174 00:05:40,063 --> 00:05:41,243 when it comes to hating on Nick. 175 00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:42,691 - Got it. - KEVIN: All right? 176 00:05:42,790 --> 00:05:43,900 - Mm-hmm. 177 00:05:43,998 --> 00:05:44,788 - Hell, man, get your ass up off this stage. 178 00:05:44,896 --> 00:05:46,856 Correcting me in front of people. 179 00:05:46,967 --> 00:05:48,277 Jackie! Jackie! 180 00:05:48,382 --> 00:05:49,732 Jackie, let me talk to you for a second. 181 00:05:49,832 --> 00:05:51,012 Okay. 182 00:05:51,109 --> 00:05:52,519 Look, I need you to get Zuckerberg on the phone 183 00:05:52,628 --> 00:05:54,008 and tell him I need a loan for a billion dollars. 184 00:05:54,112 --> 00:05:55,422 - Billion? 185 00:05:55,527 --> 00:05:57,077 - A billion. - Okay. 186 00:05:57,184 --> 00:05:58,464 - Tah-tah, I need you to do it now. 187 00:05:58,565 --> 00:06:00,215 Skee-daddle. - JACKIE: I'm on it. 188 00:06:00,325 --> 00:06:01,635 - KEVIN: Thank you. - NICK: Ooh, hoo, hoo. 189 00:06:01,740 --> 00:06:03,980 This is nice. Man, it's big budget. 190 00:06:04,087 --> 00:06:06,297 Look like you're spending a lot of money up here. 191 00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:08,330 - Obviously not on security. 192 00:06:08,437 --> 00:06:09,677 Somebody come get his nick-knack paddy-whack 193 00:06:09,783 --> 00:06:11,543 kick a dog a bone ass up out of here. 194 00:06:11,647 --> 00:06:14,057 - I did not come here for all that, you know? 195 00:06:14,166 --> 00:06:15,506 I just ...heard something today. 196 00:06:15,616 --> 00:06:17,516 Heard you like finger foods. 197 00:06:17,618 --> 00:06:19,308 - Oh, Nick, will you just stop with all the hypnotic shit? 198 00:06:19,413 --> 00:06:20,623 Make your point, man. 199 00:06:20,725 --> 00:06:22,065 - Lookie here. 200 00:06:22,174 --> 00:06:24,634 - What's up, everybody? It is your girl Charmagne. 201 00:06:24,729 --> 00:06:26,459 Let me tell you a little story. 202 00:06:26,558 --> 00:06:27,798 So there was this one time 203 00:06:27,904 --> 00:06:29,774 that I had went to go get my nails did. 204 00:06:29,872 --> 00:06:32,672 And, oh, my goodness to my surprise, 205 00:06:32,771 --> 00:06:37,121 Kevin little freaky Hart wanted to play fortune teller 206 00:06:37,224 --> 00:06:39,544 with my brand-new French tips. 207 00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:42,090 So listen, the moral of the story is this... 208 00:06:42,194 --> 00:06:45,204 Kevin, I want my three rings back. 209 00:06:45,301 --> 00:06:46,851 - KEVIN: Give me that, give me that. 210 00:06:46,958 --> 00:06:47,958 Shut it off. Shut it off! 211 00:06:48,062 --> 00:06:49,552 - [water splashes] 212 00:06:49,650 --> 00:06:51,550 - Oh, that don't even matter. Snapchat's all over it. 213 00:06:51,652 --> 00:06:53,482 Everybody done seen it, 214 00:06:53,585 --> 00:06:56,275 and they done gave it three thumbs up your ass. 215 00:06:56,381 --> 00:06:59,521 One, two, three. [laughs] 216 00:06:59,626 --> 00:07:01,836 - KEVIN: Take it off. Nick, you delete that. 217 00:07:01,938 --> 00:07:04,008 - NICK: [laughs] - KEVIN: Delete it off, Nick. 218 00:07:04,113 --> 00:07:05,533 - NICK: Fortune teller. 219 00:07:05,632 --> 00:07:09,192 - CROWD: [laughing] 220 00:07:09,290 --> 00:07:10,950 - Get your asses up out my house. 221 00:07:11,051 --> 00:07:13,051 Charmagne, she be lying. 222 00:07:13,156 --> 00:07:15,156 She did not get her nails did. 223 00:07:15,262 --> 00:07:16,992 Kanye, you need to call me, brother. 224 00:07:17,091 --> 00:07:19,851 - ♪ 225 00:07:19,956 --> 00:07:21,406 - JACKIE: You know, I've never before been to 226 00:07:21,510 --> 00:07:23,820 Bridgette's house, and once I saw it, 227 00:07:23,926 --> 00:07:26,826 I realized neither has Kevin. [groans] 228 00:07:26,929 --> 00:07:29,479 - Watch your step. - JACKIE: Come here. 229 00:07:29,587 --> 00:07:31,897 - Eww, get off me. Eww! 230 00:07:32,003 --> 00:07:33,873 What's wrong with you? 231 00:07:33,970 --> 00:07:35,730 - Ah. 232 00:07:35,834 --> 00:07:37,014 Woo. 233 00:07:37,111 --> 00:07:38,531 Wow, Bridgette, damn. 234 00:07:38,630 --> 00:07:40,600 This is nice--chandeliers and everything, huh? 235 00:07:40,701 --> 00:07:42,741 This is definitely not the trap house 236 00:07:42,841 --> 00:07:44,571 where Kev picks up the kids from. 237 00:07:44,671 --> 00:07:45,571 Ah... 238 00:07:45,672 --> 00:07:48,432 Who you [bleep], Scarface? 239 00:07:48,537 --> 00:07:50,677 - If you tell, I'm [bleep] you... 240 00:07:50,780 --> 00:07:52,060 up! 241 00:07:52,161 --> 00:07:55,681 - Oh. - Cheers. 242 00:07:55,785 --> 00:07:57,955 This is the house "Ride Along 2" residuals built. 243 00:07:58,063 --> 00:08:00,003 [cackling laughter] 244 00:08:02,516 --> 00:08:04,996 [speaking non-English] 245 00:08:05,105 --> 00:08:07,865 - I have never been in a house with its own sushi restaurant. 246 00:08:07,970 --> 00:08:10,250 Mmm. You got something on your face. 247 00:08:10,351 --> 00:08:12,321 Ah. 248 00:08:12,422 --> 00:08:14,292 This is some good blacktail here. 249 00:08:14,390 --> 00:08:16,150 - It's yellowtail, fool. 250 00:08:16,254 --> 00:08:17,744 - Not the one I'm looking at. 251 00:08:17,842 --> 00:08:19,712 [gasps] 252 00:08:19,809 --> 00:08:21,919 - Come on. 253 00:08:22,018 --> 00:08:23,878 Okay. let's practice. 254 00:08:23,986 --> 00:08:26,126 We are now Bridgette and Jackie Brown. 255 00:08:26,229 --> 00:08:28,159 That's my maiden name. 256 00:08:28,266 --> 00:08:29,886 - Well, I'm the man. 257 00:08:29,992 --> 00:08:33,482 I think we should use my maiden name. 258 00:08:33,582 --> 00:08:36,242 - Look, we have to create a fake marriage. 259 00:08:36,343 --> 00:08:38,623 So how about I'm a stay-at-home wife and you're an actor? 260 00:08:38,725 --> 00:08:42,275 - I'm an actor? [laughing] 261 00:08:42,383 --> 00:08:43,943 Woo. Oh, my God. 262 00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:46,220 It's just no one's ever called me that before. 263 00:08:46,318 --> 00:08:48,178 Okay, so, how many kids do we have? 264 00:08:48,286 --> 00:08:51,116 - We ain't got no kids, 'cause you ain't getting any of this. 265 00:08:51,220 --> 00:08:52,810 - Pretend, pretend, Bridgette. 266 00:08:52,911 --> 00:08:55,021 - Well, pretend you got some, Jackie. 267 00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:57,160 - Cool. 268 00:08:57,260 --> 00:08:58,470 Ooh. 269 00:08:58,572 --> 00:09:00,332 Man that thing deep right there. 270 00:09:00,436 --> 00:09:01,466 Right there. - [sharp slap] 271 00:09:01,575 --> 00:09:03,465 - [groans] - You pretend too good. 272 00:09:03,577 --> 00:09:05,957 I am not a pretend slut. - What? 273 00:09:06,062 --> 00:09:07,962 Okay, where are these kids that we're supposed to have? 274 00:09:08,064 --> 00:09:09,584 - I don't know, in school, in the street. 275 00:09:09,687 --> 00:09:11,167 Look it doesn't matter, it's a White neighborhood, 276 00:09:11,274 --> 00:09:12,594 the cops will bring them home. 277 00:09:12,690 --> 00:09:14,420 I need you to focus. 278 00:09:14,519 --> 00:09:16,419 This is important. - All right, all right. 279 00:09:16,521 --> 00:09:19,491 - Okay. So, how do you like your coffee? 280 00:09:19,593 --> 00:09:21,153 - Black like your ass. 281 00:09:21,250 --> 00:09:23,080 - [sharp slap] - [groans] 282 00:09:23,183 --> 00:09:25,223 Have it sugar and cream. 283 00:09:25,323 --> 00:09:26,573 I didn't mean it like that. 284 00:09:26,669 --> 00:09:28,709 We've been fake married for ten minutes 285 00:09:28,809 --> 00:09:30,779 and I already want a divorce. 286 00:09:30,880 --> 00:09:32,500 [laughing] 287 00:09:34,781 --> 00:09:37,541 [grunts] I might stay married. 288 00:09:41,270 --> 00:09:42,550 - I'm gonna be honest. I want Nick gone, okay? 289 00:09:42,651 --> 00:09:46,311 Just make sure that none of this stuff comes back to me. 290 00:09:46,413 --> 00:09:47,903 Now what are we talking about money wise? 291 00:09:48,001 --> 00:09:49,311 - $500,000. 292 00:09:49,416 --> 00:09:52,066 - I'm sorry, say it again. - $500,000 cash. 293 00:09:52,177 --> 00:09:56,837 - Ooh. Okay. [laughs] 294 00:09:56,941 --> 00:09:58,531 Can we do a personal check? 295 00:09:58,632 --> 00:10:00,192 'Cause that's where all my money is, it's in my personal account. 296 00:10:00,289 --> 00:10:02,909 Can we do that? Y'all got a problem with that? 297 00:10:03,016 --> 00:10:05,706 - Okay, fine. - Okay, my guy, my guy. 298 00:10:05,812 --> 00:10:07,302 All right. 299 00:10:07,399 --> 00:10:08,879 Let's go ahead, let me get you your money. 300 00:10:08,987 --> 00:10:12,057 I'm gonna make it out to you. Now validate it. 301 00:10:12,163 --> 00:10:13,723 So what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna put my social, 302 00:10:13,820 --> 00:10:15,650 I'm gonna put my driver's license number on here, too. 303 00:10:15,753 --> 00:10:18,553 And my tax ID, 'cause I don't want you having no problems. 304 00:10:18,652 --> 00:10:20,172 Take that, right? 305 00:10:20,274 --> 00:10:22,214 Now listen to me, and you listen good. 306 00:10:22,311 --> 00:10:25,971 I do not want this coming back to bite me in the ass. 307 00:10:26,073 --> 00:10:27,943 Nobody can know about this. You hear me? 308 00:10:28,041 --> 00:10:29,281 - [door opens] - I don't-- 309 00:10:29,387 --> 00:10:32,047 - Kevin! What's popping, my Nigerian? 310 00:10:32,148 --> 00:10:34,458 - Hey, what's up, Nick? Ain't nothing going on here. 311 00:10:34,564 --> 00:10:36,644 [silently] 312 00:10:36,739 --> 00:10:37,949 What's up, man? 313 00:10:38,051 --> 00:10:39,431 - Kevin, can I talk to you real quick? 314 00:10:39,535 --> 00:10:40,985 - Uh, yeah, what's up? What's going on? 315 00:10:41,088 --> 00:10:42,638 - Um, alone. 316 00:10:42,745 --> 00:10:44,295 - Oh, yeah, they was leaving. 317 00:10:44,402 --> 00:10:45,512 These are my exterminators. I just hired these guys. 318 00:10:45,610 --> 00:10:48,480 Found a [bleep] damn bat with a turtle on his back. 319 00:10:48,578 --> 00:10:50,578 [laughs] Yeah, come on, let's go, guys. 320 00:10:50,684 --> 00:10:52,204 Let's try to get it out. 321 00:10:52,306 --> 00:10:54,166 - Well-dressed exterminators. 322 00:10:54,274 --> 00:10:56,074 - All right, guys, always good to see you. 323 00:10:56,172 --> 00:11:00,312 Hey, man, you don't kill that bat on my property, okay? 324 00:11:00,418 --> 00:11:03,178 You kill it when it gets off my property. 325 00:11:05,734 --> 00:11:09,084 All right. [clears throat] 326 00:11:09,185 --> 00:11:12,325 - Bats with security, turtles? 327 00:11:12,430 --> 00:11:14,290 - Brother, I don't know if you seen the bats around here, 328 00:11:14,397 --> 00:11:16,567 but they're doing all types of incredible shit. 329 00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:18,226 - Look, either way, man, I got something I gotta show you. 330 00:11:18,332 --> 00:11:20,062 Check this out. - What's that? 331 00:11:20,162 --> 00:11:22,472 - Hey, man, hey, Nickelodeon, man, hey, Kevin Hart. 332 00:11:22,578 --> 00:11:25,128 Hey what, what hey, Chocolate Droppa, whatever wack, bro. 333 00:11:25,236 --> 00:11:26,956 Y'all need to drop that shit now, man. 334 00:11:27,065 --> 00:11:28,955 Stop that wack battle now. 335 00:11:29,067 --> 00:11:31,407 It's like Iggy Azalea versus IceJJFish. 336 00:11:31,518 --> 00:11:34,068 Nobody cares, bro. I'm telling you. 337 00:11:34,176 --> 00:11:35,376 Let's change the name of the show, dawg, 338 00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:36,797 from "Wild 'n Out" to "Old 'n Out." 339 00:11:36,903 --> 00:11:38,213 - CROWD: [laughing] 340 00:11:38,318 --> 00:11:39,488 - Talk to me if you like music group, 341 00:11:39,595 --> 00:11:41,355 get at me if you got a problem, what? 342 00:11:41,459 --> 00:11:43,119 - Wait a minute now, hold on now. 343 00:11:43,219 --> 00:11:45,359 Who the hell is that? - Problem. 344 00:11:45,463 --> 00:11:47,333 - No, I know he's a problem, I'm saying who is he? 345 00:11:47,430 --> 00:11:50,500 - No his rap name is Problem. That's what the rappers do. 346 00:11:50,606 --> 00:11:53,256 They name their self really bad stuff to make them tougher. 347 00:11:53,367 --> 00:11:55,397 Like you could be like M.C. Genital Warts. 348 00:11:55,507 --> 00:11:57,817 - You know what? I got somebody for his mother [bleep] ass. 349 00:11:57,924 --> 00:11:59,414 - No, this is an opportunity. 350 00:11:59,511 --> 00:12:00,751 We gangster rappers, we can handle this on our own. 351 00:12:00,858 --> 00:12:03,788 We go down there to the Dragonfly, bum rush the stage. 352 00:12:03,895 --> 00:12:06,375 Matter of fact, you drive, I'll get your car seat. 353 00:12:07,899 --> 00:12:10,179 - Wait, go. Go, go, go. 354 00:12:11,385 --> 00:12:13,935 You okay, Nick? - NICK: Yeah. 355 00:12:14,043 --> 00:12:15,493 - KEVIN: Shit! 356 00:12:16,908 --> 00:12:18,768 - You know these last couple of days getting ready 357 00:12:18,876 --> 00:12:22,016 for "Spouse Smarts" really brought me and Jackie together. 358 00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:24,230 It almost feels like a real marriage. 359 00:12:24,329 --> 00:12:25,879 - Yeah, all we do is argue and fight. 360 00:12:25,986 --> 00:12:28,706 - And we don't [bleep]. It's just like a real marriage. 361 00:12:28,817 --> 00:12:31,987 - Today's players are: Melanie and Charles Ellis 362 00:12:32,096 --> 00:12:33,886 from Charlotte, North Carolina. 363 00:12:33,994 --> 00:12:35,134 - AUDIENCE: [applauding] - BOTH: Hi! 364 00:12:35,237 --> 00:12:37,237 - TODD: And Bridgette and Jackie Brown 365 00:12:37,342 --> 00:12:39,142 from Pasadena, California. 366 00:12:39,241 --> 00:12:41,171 - AUDIENCE: [applauding] - Hey! 367 00:12:41,277 --> 00:12:44,447 - Let's play "Spouse Smarts." - [game show music] 368 00:12:44,556 --> 00:12:47,656 - [bell rings] - Louis the 14th. 369 00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:49,217 - Correct. - [bell dings] 370 00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:52,010 - [bell rings] - The monarch butterfly. 371 00:12:52,116 --> 00:12:56,566 - That's right. - JACKIE: [laughing] 372 00:12:56,672 --> 00:12:58,292 - [bell rings] 373 00:12:58,398 --> 00:13:02,198 - Alan Greenspan, Desi Arnaz... - ...Jay Z, and Kermit The Frog. 374 00:13:02,298 --> 00:13:03,298 - They've got it. - AUDIENCE: [applauding] 375 00:13:03,403 --> 00:13:06,613 - JACKIE: [laughs] - Ooh! 376 00:13:06,716 --> 00:13:08,546 - [bell rings] - Bushy. 377 00:13:08,649 --> 00:13:10,439 - That is incorrect. - [buzzer rings] 378 00:13:10,548 --> 00:13:12,138 - Bushy? 379 00:13:12,239 --> 00:13:14,169 Well, then why have I been waxing all these years? 380 00:13:14,276 --> 00:13:17,136 - Guess he don't like Becky with the good hair. 381 00:13:17,244 --> 00:13:20,214 - [bell rings] - Black, like my ass. 382 00:13:20,316 --> 00:13:23,346 - JACKIE: [laughs] - That is absolutely right. 383 00:13:23,457 --> 00:13:28,357 - Doves, seahorses, and humans. - Ooh, I'm sorry. 384 00:13:28,462 --> 00:13:31,912 - Lovebirds, Gibbons, and titty monkeys. 385 00:13:32,018 --> 00:13:33,468 - That's what we were looking for. 386 00:13:33,571 --> 00:13:34,471 - JACKIE: Rrrrr! 387 00:13:34,572 --> 00:13:38,062 - I am about to get paid. [laughs] 388 00:13:38,162 --> 00:13:40,892 - Don't you mean we? - Yeah, whatever. 389 00:13:40,992 --> 00:13:43,862 - This is really starting to feel like a damn marriage. 390 00:13:48,551 --> 00:13:49,521 - Well, Jackie and Bridgette, 391 00:13:49,621 --> 00:13:51,001 you have made it to our final round. 392 00:13:51,106 --> 00:13:52,276 - [squeals] 393 00:13:52,383 --> 00:13:58,393 - Now you can bet nothing and walk home with $75,258 394 00:13:58,492 --> 00:14:01,222 or you can bet it all. 395 00:14:01,323 --> 00:14:04,503 - We're gonna bet it all, Todd! - Wait, wait, okay? 396 00:14:04,602 --> 00:14:06,362 Uh, I don't wanna bet. - [heavy punch] 397 00:14:06,466 --> 00:14:10,156 - [groans] Whatever my wife says, bet. 398 00:14:10,263 --> 00:14:11,713 - I guess we know who wears the pads in the Brown family. 399 00:14:11,816 --> 00:14:14,436 - AUDIENCE: [laughs] 400 00:14:14,543 --> 00:14:16,513 - Okay, to quadruple your money, 401 00:14:16,614 --> 00:14:21,174 the final category is: biogenetics. 402 00:14:21,274 --> 00:14:23,004 - Is it still too late to take the money? 403 00:14:23,103 --> 00:14:24,453 - TODD: I'm afraid so, Jackie. 404 00:14:24,553 --> 00:14:26,693 Here is your question. 405 00:14:26,796 --> 00:14:30,516 What is the velocity of human spermatozoa? 406 00:14:30,628 --> 00:14:32,248 - I know the velocity of poverty. 407 00:14:32,354 --> 00:14:33,634 - [bell rings] 408 00:14:33,734 --> 00:14:35,014 - Bridgette, do you know the answer? 409 00:14:35,115 --> 00:14:36,665 - Hell, yes. 410 00:14:36,772 --> 00:14:40,092 I was married to the fastest nut-busted in America. 411 00:14:40,189 --> 00:14:41,809 If a sperm is 40 microns in length, and most fallopian tubes 412 00:14:41,915 --> 00:14:45,125 are on average 175 millimeters in length, 413 00:14:45,229 --> 00:14:47,539 it takes about 45 minutes to go from grunt to egg, 414 00:14:47,645 --> 00:14:48,745 so that means that sperm travels at a rate of 415 00:14:48,853 --> 00:14:51,413 5-millimeters-per-minute. 416 00:14:51,511 --> 00:14:53,101 So if a sperm was the size of a salmon, 417 00:14:53,202 --> 00:14:58,212 that would mean that the sperm travels at 500-miles-per-hour. 418 00:14:58,311 --> 00:14:59,801 - You are right! - [bell dings] 419 00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:03,349 - JACKIE: [screaming] - [game show music] 420 00:15:03,454 --> 00:15:09,634 - Jackie and Bridgette, you have just won $301,032. 421 00:15:09,736 --> 00:15:11,906 - You might not be able to tell it, 422 00:15:12,014 --> 00:15:14,294 but there's a salmon croquette in my pants right now. 423 00:15:14,396 --> 00:15:15,846 Bridgette! 424 00:15:15,949 --> 00:15:19,879 [kissing] - BRIDGETTE: [straining] 425 00:15:19,988 --> 00:15:21,128 [gasps] 426 00:15:21,230 --> 00:15:22,750 Oh, hell, no! 427 00:15:22,852 --> 00:15:24,372 Don't nobody stick their tongue down my throat 428 00:15:24,475 --> 00:15:26,265 except my husband, mitch. 429 00:15:26,373 --> 00:15:28,893 - I am your husband. - You ain't my damn husband. 430 00:15:28,997 --> 00:15:30,957 - [buzzer rings] - AUDIENCE: Awww... 431 00:15:31,068 --> 00:15:33,968 - Did I hear you correctly, Bridgette? 432 00:15:34,071 --> 00:15:35,831 - No. 433 00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:39,795 What I said was I'm not used to calling you my husband 434 00:15:39,904 --> 00:15:40,774 since we're newlyweds. 435 00:15:40,870 --> 00:15:43,770 Come here, Jackie. 436 00:15:43,873 --> 00:15:45,953 - Oh, you don't love me. - Come here! 437 00:15:46,048 --> 00:15:49,808 - I'm sorry but I'm afraid you two are disqualified. 438 00:15:49,914 --> 00:15:54,644 - ♪ 439 00:15:54,746 --> 00:15:58,846 - [unintelligible rap lyrics] 440 00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:05,478 ♪ 441 00:16:05,585 --> 00:16:07,305 - KEVIN: Yo, cut it off, cut it off. 442 00:16:07,414 --> 00:16:09,144 Boy, if you don't get your Ruben Studdard-lookin' 443 00:16:09,244 --> 00:16:10,144 ass up off me... 444 00:16:10,245 --> 00:16:11,375 Back your ass up. 445 00:16:11,487 --> 00:16:12,627 - Hold on up. 446 00:16:12,730 --> 00:16:14,110 I would like to introduce you guys 447 00:16:14,214 --> 00:16:16,734 to the worst two rappers in the world. 448 00:16:16,837 --> 00:16:20,877 Nick "Can Not Rap". - CROWD: [laughs] 449 00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:23,400 - And the Chocolate Flopper right here, man. 450 00:16:23,499 --> 00:16:24,909 - CROWD: [laughing] - NICK: I got this, I got this. 451 00:16:25,018 --> 00:16:27,498 Why don't we do this the old school way? 452 00:16:27,607 --> 00:16:29,057 - Ooh, now you talking, Nick. 453 00:16:29,160 --> 00:16:31,270 - Ain't no other way y'all can do it. 454 00:16:31,369 --> 00:16:32,959 - CROWD: [laughing] 455 00:16:33,061 --> 00:16:34,411 - KEVIN: We're about to take this one 456 00:16:34,510 --> 00:16:36,030 straight back to the city. 457 00:16:36,133 --> 00:16:37,653 We're gonna drop bars right here on this stage. 458 00:16:37,755 --> 00:16:39,235 - NICK: Uh! 459 00:16:39,343 --> 00:16:40,863 - Let the people decide who's wack and who's not. 460 00:16:40,965 --> 00:16:43,545 Huh-huh. - NICK: Ra! 461 00:16:43,657 --> 00:16:45,067 - Dropping bars for fun? 462 00:16:45,176 --> 00:16:46,826 That's not how Diamond Lanes do that, man. 463 00:16:46,936 --> 00:16:49,416 We get paid around here, bro. - Okay. 464 00:16:49,525 --> 00:16:51,035 You wanna have some fun? Talking about getting paid. 465 00:16:51,148 --> 00:16:55,008 Why don't we put up some keys? - That's all we gotta do? 466 00:16:55,117 --> 00:16:57,497 Boy. No, man, that's what we want? 467 00:16:57,602 --> 00:16:59,602 Huh, Nick, I stay with keys. 468 00:16:59,708 --> 00:17:01,428 Mercedes keys. - Mercedes. 469 00:17:01,537 --> 00:17:02,947 - Ooh, ooh, ooh. Burn. 470 00:17:03,056 --> 00:17:06,816 - Introducing your girlfriend's Scion's keys. 471 00:17:06,922 --> 00:17:08,272 - CROWD: [laughing] 472 00:17:08,372 --> 00:17:10,412 - KEVIN: What the [bleep] is a Scion? [bleep] it. 473 00:17:10,512 --> 00:17:13,412 It's about to be a lyrical warfare. 474 00:17:13,515 --> 00:17:15,025 - NICK: Uh, drop the beat. 475 00:17:15,137 --> 00:17:19,687 - ♪ 476 00:17:19,797 --> 00:17:21,517 - ♪ Problem 477 00:17:21,626 --> 00:17:22,696 ♪ Ain't even a problem 478 00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:23,770 ♪ Matter of fact 479 00:17:23,870 --> 00:17:25,490 ♪ He's not a problem 480 00:17:25,596 --> 00:17:26,486 ♪ I'm looking like 481 00:17:26,597 --> 00:17:27,457 ♪ What's the problem 482 00:17:27,563 --> 00:17:29,363 ♪ Coming around here 483 00:17:29,462 --> 00:17:30,602 ♪ With no career 484 00:17:30,704 --> 00:17:31,914 ♪ Looking all dead 485 00:17:32,016 --> 00:17:33,396 ♪ Like you in the spread 486 00:17:33,500 --> 00:17:35,260 ♪ Now you comin' 'round 487 00:17:35,364 --> 00:17:38,404 - CROWD: [booing] 488 00:17:38,505 --> 00:17:40,955 - Stick to the comedy, bro. Let's get to the real shit. 489 00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:42,370 Hold on, hold on, hold on, let me catch it. 490 00:17:42,475 --> 00:17:45,435 Y'all ready for some real shit? - CROWD: [cheering] 491 00:18:03,461 --> 00:18:04,951 - CROWD: Ohhhh! - KEVIN:: Let's go, Nick. 492 00:18:05,049 --> 00:18:06,399 - ♪ Problem child 493 00:18:06,499 --> 00:18:07,779 ♪ Smile Kool-Aid 494 00:18:07,879 --> 00:18:09,469 ♪ Matter of fact that's the way I got it made ♪ 495 00:18:09,571 --> 00:18:10,541 ♪ Kevin is game 496 00:18:10,641 --> 00:18:11,471 ♪ You a little arcane 497 00:18:11,573 --> 00:18:13,263 ♪ 'Cause, uh, mitch 498 00:18:13,368 --> 00:18:16,608 ♪ You just got played 499 00:18:16,716 --> 00:18:19,406 Problem signed with me. He on my label. 500 00:18:19,512 --> 00:18:22,032 This my dude. Got him. 501 00:18:22,135 --> 00:18:23,095 - PROBLEM: Diamond. - Diamond. 502 00:18:26,864 --> 00:18:28,594 - [horn blaring] 503 00:18:28,693 --> 00:18:31,013 - KEVIN: Come on. 504 00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:33,870 Wait a minute, is that... is that Bridgette right there? 505 00:18:33,974 --> 00:18:35,804 - [brakes screech] 506 00:18:37,495 --> 00:18:39,595 - KEVIN: Ooh. Jackie? 507 00:18:39,704 --> 00:18:41,294 Jackie! 508 00:18:41,396 --> 00:18:44,186 Oh, no! Oh, my God. 509 00:18:44,295 --> 00:18:47,775 Jackie! Jackie! 510 00:18:47,885 --> 00:18:49,125 You killed Jackie? 511 00:18:49,231 --> 00:18:50,581 - That's right, Little Mitchard. 512 00:18:50,681 --> 00:18:52,441 Now close the door before I do the same thing to you. 513 00:18:55,582 --> 00:18:57,382 - [tires squealing] 514 00:18:57,481 --> 00:18:59,621 - All right, man. 515 00:18:59,724 --> 00:19:01,424 Jackie! 516 00:19:01,519 --> 00:19:03,829 Look, you can't breathe or nothing, Jackie? 517 00:19:03,935 --> 00:19:06,415 You probably need mouth-to-mouth, too. 518 00:19:06,524 --> 00:19:10,084 I tell you what. You gonna die tonight, Jackie. 519 00:19:10,183 --> 00:19:13,013 I'll be damned if I put my mouth on another man's mouth. 520 00:19:13,117 --> 00:19:15,837 You're a dead [bleep] tonight, man. 521 00:19:15,947 --> 00:19:17,707 - NICK: Hey, homie, you need some help? 522 00:19:17,811 --> 00:19:20,711 [laughing] Woo! 523 00:19:20,814 --> 00:19:22,994 - You know what? Laugh now, but I'm gonna get you both. 524 00:19:23,092 --> 00:19:26,302 - Problem is I got your mother [bleep] car, you moron! 525 00:19:26,406 --> 00:19:27,926 - NICK: [laughing] 526 00:19:28,028 --> 00:19:30,858 You ain't even notice. Diamond Lane, incredible. 527 00:19:30,962 --> 00:19:32,522 We got a joint together. 528 00:19:32,619 --> 00:19:33,759 - You know what? 529 00:19:33,862 --> 00:19:35,522 I got something for you and Problem child. 530 00:19:35,622 --> 00:19:36,932 - What, what, what you got? 531 00:19:37,037 --> 00:19:38,757 Them goons that you sent to kill me? 532 00:19:38,867 --> 00:19:40,417 - What goons you talking about? You can't connect me to that. 533 00:19:40,524 --> 00:19:43,874 - Man, they're my cousins. - NICK: [laughing] 534 00:19:47,151 --> 00:19:49,641 - Oh, shit! Jackie? What the-- 535 00:19:49,740 --> 00:19:52,540 Jackie, I thought you was dead! 536 00:19:52,639 --> 00:19:54,849 - I heard you like fortune tellers. 537 00:19:56,298 --> 00:19:57,538 - Oh, damn that. 538 00:19:57,644 --> 00:19:59,274 Jackie! 539 00:19:59,370 --> 00:20:00,200 Jackie-e-e-e-e! 540 00:20:04,030 --> 00:20:19,740 - ♪ 40057

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