Original subtitles

- MALE ANNOUNCER: ...and now, this Monday at 8:00 p.m.,

another historic first--

Nick Cannon is the first Black suitor,

and beware, ladies, this cannon is ready to nick you down.

- ♪ This is the life, this is the life ♪

♪ We got the life, we got the life ♪

♪ This is the city where we party every night ♪

♪ Party every night

♪ Just you and me, down and to go ♪

♪ Welcome to Hollywood, welcome to Hollywood ♪

♪ Welcome to Hollywood ♪

- ♪

- Nick, I saw the commercial, man. Congratulations.

About time they got a Black suitor.

I thought I'd be good for the show, but, you know?

- Hey, if you ever did the show, it wouldn't have been called

"The Suitor," it would have been called "The Suitcase."

- NICK & KEVIN: [laugh]

- Ha! Ha! You keep talking shit, I'm gonna call Cat Williams.

I got my finger on the send button.

You want to wrestle with the cat?

- Okay. - You wanna wrestle with--

- You're being ridiculous.

- That's Cat Williams Kung-Fu, [bleep].

- Whatever, man.

I don't even know what the hell is going on with you, okay?

- What?

- What the hell are you doing the show for anyway, Nick?

Ain't nobody trying to wild out with you.

- Really? - Yes.

- What I wanna know is where are you gonna find 50 women

you haven't slept with? - Uh, prison.

And honestly, some of those

probably done went through the Nick train.

- FAIZON: [laughs]

- A couple, just a couple.

- That's how they got in jail. - FAIZON & KEVIN: [laugh]

- Nick, be honest with me though, let's tell the truth.

What's really going on? Why you doing the show?

You living in Radio Shack, is that's what's going on?

- Yeah, 'cause I own it. - I hate you.

- Who gonna turn down getting paid to make love to

some of the most beautiful women in the world?

Plus, since the divorce and everything,

it's been real tough trying to date.

- Man, Nick, ain't nobody buying that shit.

- He's healing. - Ain't no healing.

I don't believe that People Magazine bull crap

that I've been reading.

I know you, Nick. Only thing healing is his balls.

- The guys think I'm just all about sex, sex, sex.

That couldn't be further from the truth.

I mean, I'm attracted to a woman's inner beauty,

intelligence, spirituality.

There's so much more to life than just hitting it.

I mean I don't know what it is, but I'm sure it's out there.

Why do you know about my balls? They're my balls.

- Hey, baby. - KEVIN: Hey, how you doing?

How are you?

- I'm gonna go take a swim, do you mind?

- No, go ahead, I don't mind.

Baby, wait, say hi to Kenan and Kel.

- [gasps] That was my favorite show growing up.

Welcome to good burger, home of the good burger.

Can I take your order? I love that movie!

Classic.

- They're good, right? - You mind if I get a picture?

- Before...before they leave, I'll make sure you get one.

- [kisses] - All right, sweetie.

- I met the guy from "Snakes On A Plane."

- [high-pitched laughter]

- Uh, Kev, is there something you wanna tell us?

- I don't have nothing to tell you.

I wanna tell you to get out.

- Listen, spare us no details.

- Come on, there's no details to give.

Oh, there's plenty of details.

Dirty details.

Let's just say that Keke and I have been keke'ing it.

[laughs]

- Look, I hate to burst your little Nickelodeon bubble,

no offense, but the guy from Subway

went to jail for the same shit you're doing right here.

- What?

- ♪

- Good Lord have mercy.

- ♪

- Damn, what you gonna do with that?

Cull her?

- Okay, see this is why I don't talk to you guys,

'cause I know that you wouldn't understand.

- What do you mean? - Keke is a grown ass woman.

- Yes.

- She done had two pregnancy scares already, okay?

- FAIZON: Yeah.

- Now what you need to understand,

I'm an international superstar, guys.

- Listen, Cleveland is not international, Kevin.

- Okay, Faizon, as an international superstar,

it is my job to keep up with the young and the hip.

Not the old and the ones that need the hip replacement.

- Kevin. - Yes, honey?

- You're not gonna come get in with me?

- Girl, what the hell?

Where's the coat that I got you to wear in the water?

That's too much skin.

I don't want that chlorine getting on your stomach.

That's how people break out.

- Not if you protect me. - Give me a second, okay?

Last thing I'm gonna do is deal with y'all perverted behinds.

- NICK: Cannon ball! - [water splashes]

- FAIZON: Keke! - KEVIN: Hey!

Listen, Faizon, get out of my water!

Faizon!

I didn't know your fat ass could float.

Get out of my water.

Keke, don't play with Nick's balls.

- NICK: Get the ball, Keke. [laughing]

- [sighs] I gotta get some new friends.

- Hi, I'm Rob Morrow, and this is "The Suitor."

- ♪

- Welcome to a very special edition of "The Suitor."

Just know that while Black lives may not matter in America,

Black love does here on "The Suitor."

No need to adjust the color on your screens.

Please welcome Hollywood's most eligible suitor--

actor, producer, rapper, mogul,

two-time mayor of Beverley Hills and, yes,

ladies and gentlemen, he is a Negro--Nick Cannon.

- ♪

- You know what?

I'm a little nervous on my first day on "The Suitor."

Now even though I'm pretty handy with the ladies,

this is a big responsibility picking out a woman

who's gonna be the next Mrs. Cannon-Carey.

Forgot to take that off.

- ROB: Hey, Nick.

- Did you just refer to me as a Negro?

- Well, I might have. - Watch your mouth.

- But-- - Watch...watch your mouth.

- I mean, that's the theme of the show, isn't it?

So, Nick, how you doing?

- I'm all right.

- Good, this is a big night for you and your people.

- Look, Rob, it's a big night for me.

But I don't know about my people.

I mean this is a show about dating, not emancipating.

- [laughs] True that, Huey P.

ROB: [laughs] - One more, you got one more.

- Sorry, pal...son...

brother. - I'm none of that to you.

- Homie. - No.

- My [bleep]. - You want your ass whooped.

- Sorry.

- To be honest, it's been tough

getting back into the dating game.

[sobbing]

You know, I never thought I would say this.

But the break-up has left me vulnerable.

Some might even say emasculated.

[sobbing]

Bottom line, I'm just looking to restart my life

and find that special someone who'll make me wanna love again.

[sobbing]

- KEVIN: Yo, is he crying?

Oh, he gonna make me do a two-sie in my one-sie.

- Shh. He's sensitive.

I can't even hear him.

- Nick is not sensitive, he's full of--

- Shh. - It.

- [sobbing continues]

[blowing nose in hand]

- Okay, let's bring them out. - Let's do it.

- Ladies.

- ♪

- [camera shutter clicks]

- ♪

- [camera shutter clicks]

- ♪

- Hi, Nick, it's good to see you again.

- It's good to see you again, too, uh...

- Penelope. - Penelope.

Girl, what you been up to?

- Great news, the test came back negative.

Oh, my God! Who? What the... Are you serious?

- Very. - I could be your walling out.

I could be your drum line.

- At this rate, it might just be a two-parter.

- PENELOPE: Get off me!

- ♪

- [camera shutter clicks]

- ♪

- [camera shutter clicks]

- ROB: Here we go, Nick. - Hey!

- [sharp smack] - Ah! What was that for?

- My test came back positive.

- So, that mean you got something or you're pregnant?

- [sharp smack] - ROB: Oh, damn!

That's gotta hurt.

Can I say "she slapped the black off him?"

That's a no? Okay, beep it, okay.

She slapped the [bleep] off his ass.

- "Jew" got one more time.

- Now that's crossing the line.

See, that's Standards and Practices.

That was not acceptable. - All white.

- You can say Negro, you can see [bleep].

Trust me.

Here we go.

- [camera shutter clicks]

- ♪

- [camera shutter clicks]

- ♪

- Hi, I'm Carabel.

- I think I hear them cara-bells ringing.

Will you be the next-- - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Come on, gigolo, you know we don't love these [bleep].

Get up, we got a show to do.

Okay, thank you very much.

Come on, pal. All right, take it down.

Get the tongue back in the mouth.

There you go.

- ♪

- [camera shutter clicks]

- ♪

- [camera shutter clicks]

- Oh, she got a gun! Get down, White boy!

Check it. - No, it's a poem, get up.

- All right, we gotta edit that out.

Just cut that.

- Oh...gee...

Poetry, I like poetry. Are you a poet?

- No, I'm a doctor actually. - Even better.

You know, I got these kidney issues be--

- "Roses are red, violets are blue.

I'm the only girl on this show, who hasn't [bleep] you."

- [exhales] [laughing]

- Why is that funny? - It's just hysterical.

I don't know what to say. It's really funny.

This show should have gone Black ages ago.

I've never had so much fun.

- Get your hands-- get your hands off me.

- Once you go Black, you never go back.

- The sky is blue and the rain is wet.

It's true you haven't [bleep] me...

not yet.

- ♪

- Okay, Nick, in record time,

we are down from our original 50 contestants,

to 12 lucky ladies. - Mm-hmm.

- The other 38 already got lucky

because you slept with them before.

- It's 37 and a possible.

I mean, does oral count?

- Yeah, no. All right, anyway, time--

- Let's do it.

- --to give away the golden keys.

- Ladies, that can be yours.

Rachel, please step up.

- ♪

- Now my idea of a perfect woman

isn't just someone who's beautiful, intelligent,

spiritually sound.

I'm looking for a woman who's willing--

- I'm willing to do whatever it takes

to be the next Mrs. Cannon.

- Well, are you willing to sign this prenup?

- Really?

Are you serious?

[speaking non-English]

- Your mama say... [unintelligible]

- [screaming]

- WOMEN: [gasp] - [water splashes]

- Sayonara.

- Oh, my God.

- Victoria... please, step up.

- ♪

- NICK: Come on, we ain't got all day.

To the left.

A little more to the left.

- ♪

- [heavy sigh]

- Now, are you willing to sign--

Good choice. - [sighs]

- Smart. Loyal.

You get a key.

Candy.

Woo.

Candy, Candy, Candy.

- It's Candace.

- Okay. Strong, educated Black woman.

I like that. [laughs]

Why would a woman with strength, intelligence,

and character come on this show?

Oh, yeah, 'cause I'm on it.

[laughs]

Now are you willing to sign this prenup?

- Sure, as long as you're willing to sign one.

- [laughs] You're so cute.

[laughs] 'Cause you think we're equal.

What? I get it, you're a doctor.

You make what $200,000? $300,000?

- [laughs] Yes, I make that in a weekend.

My pharmaceutical company makes over $600 million a year.

- I ain't signing shit.

Shoot, I made that mistake once.

Ain't gonna let that happen again.

- ♪

- Okay, baby, now it's your turn.

- Hell, it is. I'm not gonna do that.

I gotta use my face for work.

Hey, you know what, man?

You could use your face for work, too.

I know Wall Street is looking for guys like you.

I heard they're doing another "Insidious."

They're casting a "Saw 12."

You know they're doing a... a "Mad Max 3."

Brother, I'm trying to help you.

No?

- Baby, there are other places you can get it.

- No, I'm not tattooing my biceps.

- Do it for me. Please, baby.

- Do it for me, too.

- Lady, what tattoo can you possibly be getting?

Is that a butterfly? - Kevin.

- That...that's dead.

- I'll show you some of my other piercings.

- Oh, I'm about to pierce it.

[laughs]

- ♪ Hey you know what time it is ♪

♪ Hey, hey shorty we could ride to this ♪

- Stop bending the cards. - Shut up, Kevin.

Let me deal how I deal.

- Ooh, Nick, I got one question about these "Suitor" chicks.

- He wants to know if they can cook.

- No.

Are you sleeping with the twins?

And can they cook?

- Man, I can't discuss that stuff, man.

I signed a NDA.

I'm gonna tell y'all, the twins can cook.

[laughs] You know what I mean?

I been in them ovens. [laughs]

Ooh!

It look like Keke done turned you into

one of her little scream queens.

- KEVIN ON VIDEO: [screams] - KEVIN: What, what, what?

- His and her piercings.

Look like Keke got you in the palmer of her hand.

- Palmer of her, 'cause, you's funny.

- That was not funny.

That joke was the reason why Faizon

will never open for me on the road.

I'm sorry, it had to be said.

Now be honest, do I look like the type of guy

that would wear nipple rings?

- Unless there's red Kool-Aid

lactating out your little titties.

- What? - [material rips]

- KEVIN: No, no, Faizon, no!

- Oh. Eww. - KEVIN: So what?

I feel alive, man.

My whole body's tingling.

I'm out here living, man.

- Hey!

- I'm alive!

Don't knock it 'til you've tried it.

And this might not be my last piercing.

Oh, they can laugh all they want.

That wasn't screaming.

KEVIN ON VIDEO: [screams] KEVIN: This is screaming.

Feels like I'm having a baby out my [bleep].

That's when I got the Prince Albert.

Oh, you don't know what that means?

[laughs]

Yep...my ding-ding has a ring-ring.

[chuckling]

- ANNOUNCER: Previously, on "The Suitor"...

- No need to adjust the color on your screens.

He is a Negro.

- ANNOUNCER: We went Black, and we're back, and we don't crack.

- [screaming]

- Sayonara.

- ANNOUNCER: There's been a whole lot of fussing.

- I can be your walling out. - ANNOUNCER: Fighting.

- My test came back positive. - ANNOUNCER: And jiving.

- Oh, she got a gun! Get down, White boy!

- This show should have gone Black ages ago.

I've never had so much fun.

- ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned and see what's cooking,

this week on "The Suitor."

It's the final four.

- ♪

- Okay, Nick, we're down to our last four babes.

These women are beautiful. - Talk about it.

- Intelligent. - Yeah.

- Talented. - Mmm!

- But can they cook?

- See, Rob, now that's a good question.

- Uh-huh.

- That's why I gave them my mom's recipe

for shrimp and grits.

But I left out the secret ingredient.

[laughs] Challenge.

- ROB: Right, 'cause we know

the way to a man's heart is through his--

That's right.

Let's bring in the four dishes with their four dishes.

The winner gets some alone time

and breakfast in bed with young Nick here.

- Oh, now that's a prize. That's a prize.

- ♪ Oh Lord - ♪ Oh Lord

- ♪ Oh Lord - ♪ Oh Lord

♪ That's where she got it, from my mama ♪

♪ Oh Lord ooh oh Lord ♪

- NICK: Ooh! - ♪ Oh Lord

♪ Oh Lord, it's automatic ♪

♪ Oh Lord - Mmm, talk about it!

- ♪ She on fire

♪ Burn her house down at the party ♪

♪ Cashed out, in and out, whoa ♪

♪ Gimme, gimme, I don't wanna ♪

♪ Ask for it ♪

- Okay, okay, okay. Now who's first?

Step on up.

Mmm!

Mmm, mmm!

Mmm, that's...that's... what...what was that?

- It's mofongo. - Mmm.

Well, maybe later I'll come mofongo you.

- Mmm. - Don't go too far now.

She put a little chocolate on it, uh.

- Hola. - Hola.

All right I see the shrimp, but, baby, where's the grits?

- [laughs] Oh, was that the secret ingredient?

- No me gusta! Yo no quiero esa [unintelligible]

- [laughs] Allow me.

- Okay.

Girl, you must know my mama.

- No, before I went to John Hopkins, I, uh,

studied at Le Cordon Bleu.

- I wanna study your Cordon Bleu, mmm!

Okay.

Oh!

She got it!

Victoria found the secret.

[gasps]

How you know? How you...how you know?

- [garbled speech]

It's a little tangy.

A little tangy.

Mmm.

- ♪

- FAIZON & KEVIN: Oh!

- Kevin, why are you chasing Keke around your car butt-naked?

- Oh, that's what you call a Baldwin Hills naked fire drill.

Some young shit. Faizon, you wouldn't know about that.

- No, this sounds like some stupid shit

I don't need to know about.

This is stupid. - Let me see the video.

Let me see the video. What are you talking about?

- You look like a ghetto version of Puppy, Monkey, Baby.

- I don't look like no Puppy, Monkey, Baby.

- Puppy, Monkey, Baby. - Don't do that.

- Puppy, Monkey, Baby. - Faizon, don't do that.

- Puppy, Monkey, Baby.

- Girl, where you going and why you got on my jeans?

- I booked a movie, Kevin.

I'm the new Bond girl.

- What movie?

Wait, wait, when did you go on an audition?

- The past two weeks with Kevin was my audition.

You see, the Bond producers wouldn't let me audition.

All they could see was "True Jackson VP."

So, I had to flip the script like Miley did Robin.

The trick was finding an old guy dumb enough

to allow me to twerk my way into adulthood.

I mean stupid, insecure, old men don't grow on trees.

Okay, that's not true.

There's a whole forest full of them.

[laughing]

Hasta la vista, baby.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

You don't just storm out while I got company.

Hey!

Girl, where the hell you think you're going?

Why are you leaving? - You're too old.

- What the hell you mean I'm too old?

Girl, I'm 36 years old.

- Yes, in Hollywood, 36 is the new 66.

I never had a grandfather and it was fun.

- You never had--no, no. Hey, hey, hey.

You gonna leave me?

You gonna act like I ain't did nothing for you?

I done bought you toys.

Let you eat all them snacks in the bed.

Let you eat Lunchables whenever you want.

Drink juice all times of the night.

Stay up late.

What, tell you what, you can take these nipple rings!

God...stinking! Take that one.

Take it. I can't...

[gasps]

[sobbing]

I'm not done. I'm not done.

I'ma keep that one 'cause that made me better.

Made me a better person! So get out!

[groans] God! Shit!

- Kevin, why you bleeding like that?

- It's called getting rid of the past, Faizon.

And sometimes the past hurts your nipples.

Faizon, do me a favor.

Go in that bathroom and get me some Band-Aids, please.

- Unh-unh, not right now, man.

You're gonna make me miss the season finale of "The Suitor."

- Does "Suitor" come on now? - Yeah, right now.

- I didn't know it was coming on tonight.

- I think he's gonna pick Candace,

but although he... he might pick Brittany.

- Tell you what, he better make the right choice.

I talked to Bridget, she said there's gonna be consequences

and repercussions, if he don't pick a sister tonight.

- Mmm.

Oh! We missed it?

- We missed the show. - We missed the damn show?

- Oh, come on, man. Who do you think he picked?

- [explosion]

- KEVIN & FAIZON: Oh! He picked the white girl.

- Incredible.

- ♪