Original subtitles

- KEVIN: It is what it is, though, because I was trying.

They didn't even hire me for the job.

You know what I'ma do?

Make a note. I wanna buy these mannequins for the house.

Are you listening to me? - Yeah, I'm listening.

- Oh, my God. - What?

- Is that La Toya Jackson?

- No, man, that's LeToya Luckett.

- She a salesperson now?

Oh, man, she done hit rock bottom.

- I'd like to hit that bottom. Mm!

- KEVIN: You know what that means, don't you?

- JACKIE: What? What that mean? - KEVIN: Low self esteem.

- She got no low self esteem. - Exactly what that means.

I'm goin' in. - She don't wanna be saved.

Kevin! Kevin! - Go put the bags in the car.

Put the bags in the car.

Hey!

- Hey!

Oh, my God...what a surprise to see you here.

- What a surprise to see you here.

- Oh, I know, right? Well, gotta keep on grindin'.

- I heard that. You know, I'm always grindin'.

- BOTH: [laughing]

- So, are you, uh, here to find something special

for that special someone? - Well, you know what?

Now that I see you, I think I am.

- Oh, you're so silly. - I'm not silly, I'm serious.

- Okay. So, are you interested in more make-up

or skin care products or...? - Well, you know what?

I know you're used to hearin' no, no, no, no, no.

But today you're gon' hear yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- All righty. - I'ma take all of it.

- Really? - Yeah, I want it all.

All this. Bag all that up. Put it on my black card.

- All right. - Unh-unh-unh-unh-unh!

I want you to give this card the white treatment, though.

- All righty. - I mean, put it everywhere.

- Just give me-- - Look at me.

- That's gross. - I got it.

- WOMAN: Everything? - LETOYA: That's everything.

- Since you're gonna get a nice little commission from this,

I was thinkin' maybe I could get a little commission.

- Oh, I don't ...don't get commissions.

- Now you see where the power of Kevin Hart comes in.

I can change that.

If you need to talk to your boss, I can.

Get him on the phone. I'll fix that right now.

- You're talking to her. I own the company.

- And your total is $25,982.

- Uh...

- ♪ This is the life, this is the life ♪

♪ We got the life, we got the life ♪

♪ This is the city where we party every night ♪

♪ Party every night

♪ Just you and me, down and to go ♪

♪ Welcome to Hollywood, welcome to Hollywood ♪

♪ Welcome to Hollywood ♪

- KEVIN: Hello? I'm calling to report a fraudulent charge.

How much? For $25,000, that's how much.

I have never in my life

called you guys about a fraudulent charge

other than that.

You know, I don't like the tone in your voice at all.

I really don't. Can I talk to your supervisor, please?

Oh, you are the supervisor?

Okay, well, then, I need to talk to your mother,

and tell her about your mouth

'cause you're up here cussin' up a storm.

You're droppin' F-bombs like it's the 4th of July,

and I'm not gonna tol-- - [dial tone]

- Hello? Are you... Hello? Yo!

- Are you gonna be on the phone all night, Kev,

or are you gonna play poker? What's happening?

- Hey, what the hell y'all doing?

- FAIZON: This stuff is actually workin', man.

My skin is moist and supple and my pores are breathing.

Finally!

- Oh, yeah. - [bleep] I ain't no taco.

- [crunches] Mm, that's good.

- Y'all eating the stuff?

- JB: You're next, Nelly.

You smell like a [bleep] pumpkin pie.

- Yeah, but it's too late. All gone.

- Why did you eat that, man? I gotta take this back.

It's the only way I'ma get my money back.

- It's fat-free. - It doesn't matter.

- What'd you buy all this stuff for in the first place, man?

- The only reason why he bought this stuff,

'cause he thought LeToya was gonna give him

some of her stuff. - Shut up, Jackie.

- That's some expensive shit. - OTHERS: [laughing]

- Let me tell you something, Kev.

I know LeToya and you're wasting your time, son.

- What are you talking about?

- 'Cause she ain't about to kick it, nah!

- You know LeToya, huh, 'cause you know everybody, JB.

- I do know everybody. - You do know everybody.

- [cell phone buzzing] - Why's LeToya calling me, JB?

- What? - Huh?

What's that call about? Let's see.

Hello...

Yeah, you know what I would love--to have dinner with you.

Tonight.

Ooh, hoo, hoo!

You know how long I've been waiting

to get lucky with LeToya?

Not that long. I just saw her, so it kinda just started.

Okay, sweetie. Bye-bye.

- Jesus, what is that shit on your faces?

- Don't act like you don't know, pretty boy.

We got the secret. - The secret?

- Don't act like you and Nicole don't be fightin' over her shit.

- Well, we don't, 'cause I got my own shit.

- We're just trying to look sexy and beautiful like you, Boris.

- Well, avocado's not gonna do it, fellas.

- What?

- You're gonna need a head transplant.

Or better-lookin' parents. - Hey! Hey!

- You don't think I prayed about that?

- You don't come in here and attack Faizon like that.

- What the hell you doin' in a tux anyway, Boris?

- You modelin' cat food or something?

- BORIS: All right, I'm getting into character, okay,

'cause I'm reading on the next James Bond movie.

The movie is called "Bond is Black."

- If you get that part,

it's gonna be called "Bond Can't Act."

- Who this? Who? Who? - ALL: [laughing]

- BORIS: Okay. Okay.

- JB: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You mean to tell me you're goin' in to play James Bond?

- Yeah.

- Why they didn't call me for James Bond?

Where the audition at?

I'ma call my agent right now and find out what's goin' on.

- Okay, JB, it's not an audition, okay?

They're just meeting a couple of A-listers.

- Exactly. Are you helping them track down the A-listers?

Why do they need you? - BORIS: I'm the A-lister.

- You got an agent now? - I am the A-lister.

- You got an agent? - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

- Eee! Eee! Eee! - ALL: [laughing]

- JB: Let me tell you something right now.

Ain't no [bleep] way they're gonna call your ass

about James Bond and not call me.

I am destined to play James Bond.

There's nobody in this room

who'll play James Bond better than me.

What do you think JB stands for? - Just Bald?

- Justin Bieber? - Jungle Bunny?

- Jigaboo? - OTHERS: [laughing]

- Y'all haters, my grandfather shined Sean Connery's shoes.

My goldfinger's called "Pussy Galore."

And I do my own [bleep] damn stunts.

What kinda stunts can you do, Boris?

- Me?

- [tooth twinkles] - Damn!

- That's a good one. - Bull [bleep]!

- Boy, you think that pretty's a stunt?

It's not a stunt. This is a [bleep] damn stunt.

- Oh, shit, what you about to do?

- Put it away, JB. - JB.

- Put it away, JB. - Come on, JB.

- [glass shatters] - ALL: [gasp]

- [voice cracking] JB don't feel no damn pain.

- KEVIN: He got that, didn't he?

- JB: [groaning] - JB, you feel the pain?

- Snapchat in my house, you always on fleek.

Hittin' ourselves with bottles in the head, yeah, JB.

- [heavy thud]

- Thanks for letting me treat you to dinner tonight, Kevin.

- Mm-hm. Mm-hm. [laughing]

Boop! Boop! Boop!

- Someone sure does like hot wings.

[laughs]

KEVIN: Oh, I'm gettin' my 25 grand back--

one hot wing at a time.

[chomping]

Number 63! - [cash register tings]

- Oh, Kevin, I have a confession to make.

Okay, so, the real reason why I'm here is because I--

Okay, I'm sorry, where are your clothes?

- I just ...thought everybody was hot.

- No. - You're not hot?

- No, I'm not. I'm not hot.

- It's them fire wings.

Them wings get in your system, man,

your whole body gets to overheatin'.

Then they gotta come out your butt.

You don't want that ring of fire.

[chuckling]

Yeah, so come on, what were you gon' tell me?

- Um...

the real reason I came over is because

you have the most beautiful skin color I've ever seen.

- Oh...

Well, you know, my body's the same color all over.

- Yes. - Of course, you know that.

You saw it.

- But I really wanted to talk about your face.

- Oh, you can do whatever you want to my face.

Or on my face. In my face.

- Okay, good. Well, we wanna use it to create a final color

in my new foundation line.

- You talkin' about make-up or something?

- Yeah, we just wanna copy your skin color.

Nobody will ever see your make-up. No one.

- What do I get out of it?

- Whatever you want.

- We're about to have some make-up sex.

Get it?

I'm about to. [laughs]

- ♪ This is the life Welcome to Hollywood ♪

- [British accent] I am James Bond and you're a dirty girl.

You're a dirty... [clears throat]

You dirty girl...

with your blue knickers on.

Your purple knickers--

- JB: [sighing]

Boris, what happened, man?

I thought we was boys, man.

I don't see any A-listers in here.

Nobody.

What is this, the DMV? - Look, JB, I--

- Everybody's tryin' to get a license to kill, huh?

There's no A-listers here.

- I didn't wanna hurt your feelings.

- Hurt my feelings? - BORIS: Yes.

- I'm an actor. How would you hurt my feelings?

- Everybody got an audition, except you, so I felt bad.

- I don't wanna call you a liar,

but everybody did not get an audition.

- Thanks, Mr. Faizon, we'll be calling your agent.

- How'd it go? - I think I blew 'em out.

[laughing]

JB, what are you doing here?

- What the [bleep] you doing here?

- They wanted English actors.

To act in the movie. - JB: [laughs]

- You're a comedian. - Household name.

- No, no, I see what the [bleep] is goin' on here.

[laughing]

[bleep] y'all!

I'm the real James Bond up in here!

What you think JB stand for?

Sean Connery ain't got shit on me!

- FAIZON: That's a gas mask. - JB, what are you doing?

- [gas hissing] - [heavy thuds]

- Sleep, mitches. Yeah.

Now it's time to see the real James Bond.

I'm smoove. James Bond smoove.

- [Velcro ripping]

- ["James Bond" type music]

♪

- [door slams]

- You better get the... get the [bleep] off me!

Unh-unh! Unh-unh! You are not gonna work in my movie, okay?

It's gonna be an all-Black Bond and you're not invited.

- This is the James Bond audition, right?

JB! What are you doin' here, baby?

- [bleep]! You mother [bleep]!

- [bones crunching] Owwwww!

- JB...

- Hey! - How are you?

- I'm good. - You're good.

- Yeah, thanks for coming. - Hey, before we get started.

This isn't gonna take long, is it?

- Oh, no, no, no. - Twenty minutes?

- Tops. - Okay.

'Cause I got stuff to do. I gotta get to the gym.

- Okay.

- Got a little thug workout I'm doin'.

It's called "cinder blocks." - Don't worry, Kevin.

It's just us here. Have a seat. - Okay.

- Yeah, we're gonna start off with a few pictures,

so we can analyze your skin complexion

so we can create the perfect foundation match.

- Okay, so, some reference photos.

- Yeah. - This is Hollywood, baby.

This ain't my first time in a make-up chair.

Let's get some Q-Tips and some baby wipes.

Let's have 'em on deck. - Okay, so...

just sign this talent release form right there.

- Release form, huh? - Mm-hm.

- I'd love to release. - Uh...

- You know what I'm talkin' about, don't you?

- Unfortunately, I do.

- [chuckling] It's standard, ain't it?

- Yeah. - Words, words, words.

- Right here on this line. - Got it.

There you go. - Got it.

- All right. - Okay.

- What's up? - So, no need to pose.

Just relax. - Okay. I'm here.

Ain't no point in havin' Kevin Hart here,

if you're not gon' use me. - All right.

- Use me. - Okay, hurry.

Get in there. - [camera shutter clicking]

- Get you with that zoolander.

- ♪ I walk up in the club

♪ Super star struttin'

♪ All up in the club

- Sexy means don't need no shorts.

- So what? It's okay.

- I thought you guys were my boys.

- What?

- I can't believe you all got auditions for James Bond,

but nobody called me.

- You were there. They can't handle it.

- JB, let it go! They don't want you, man.

- Not at all. - They don't want you.

- They don't want your Black ass.

- That's bullshit.

You rock the rooms were so afraid

that I would get the role,

but now the disloyalty has caused nobody to get it.

- Hold on a second. I got a callback.

- You got a callback, Boris? - BORIS: Yep.

- That's shocking. Good job.

- [bottles clank] - Good job. Good job.

- The only callback yo ass got

was to go back to damn Germany, that's it.

- BORIS: [speaking non-English]

- What did you say, Black Hitler?

- NELLY: Ohh! Ohh! [laughing]

Play it again. Play it again. - What?

- Whaddup, man? - Look at this.

- ALL: [laughing]

- You is a phony!

- Is there something you wanna tell us?

- What are you doing?

- You about to see. - Yeah!

- Hello? - Yeah!

- Come on, man. - Yeah, it is.

- This ain't me, man. Look at that.

It's Photoshopped. - Just embrace it.

- Listen to me, listen to me-- - You look good.

- I'm about to sue the brakes off LeToya, you hear me?

She about to be 50 shades of broke.

I promise you that!

- ♪ This is the life Welcome to Hollywood ♪

- [knock on door] - Trina--oh?

- LETOYA: Oh, God...

- Well, well, well...

What do we have here, young lady, huh?

Let me tell you something.

Talking to my lawyer is not gonna help you,

because you're about to have a lot of

bills, bills, bills to pay.

I'm about to sue your ass, LeToya.

- LETOYA: Mm-hm.

- I'ma sue you good, you hear me?

- First of all, Trina's my attorney, too, all right?

She's been representing me for years.

- Do you not say no to anybody?

Just out here throwin' that legal counsel piece of pie

all over the city.

Where is the loyalty, at, Trina, huh?

I'm tired of you cheatin' on me.

It's time for you to make a choice.

It's either gonna be LeToya or it's gonna be--

- LeToya. - Girl...

let me finish my choices.

I said it's either gonna be LeToya or it's gonna be--

- It's still LeToya. - Mm-hm.

- Oh, I...I was about to get mad.

I see what this is. - What?

- You're trying to be nice. You're trying to be sweet.

She don't wanna hurt your feelings.

That's what this is.

- The only thing hurting my feelings are those pants.

- It's called style. Get one.

- Okay, Kevin, look, we were just in the middle

of a business meeting, so if you could just exit.

- Are you trying to bully me?

- No one is trying to bully you.

- You're trying to bully me. - That is--

- Don't protect her. - What?

- Let this happen. Let it happen.

- What happen?

- Are you trying to bully me, LeToya?

You can't bully me. You know why?

'Cause I'm a man. M-E-N!

That's right, I'm a man's man.

I do the worrying all day!

I will talk to you when I have a different level of counsel.

- Oh, you wanna get another lawyer?

Okay, you can just save your little money, Kevin,

because you signed a release. - What?

- Yep, that's you, right there, mm-hm.

So, my client can do whatever she likes with those photos.

- Y'all set me up.

Oh, damn! Oh! Ow!

Owwwww!

Stab me in the back! - I got it.

- You ain't nothing but a dirty dog dandelion diaper

daffodil double-Ds, minus the--

You should be unbarred. - Disbarred.

- I'm about to file a male practice suit on her.

Wait...she's a female,

so, I'ma file a female practice suit.

- ♪

- You've gotta take this shirt in and tailor it.

It looks like I stole it from Shaq.

- Knew this mother [bleep] was ugly.

I knew it!

- ♪

- I like this trim over here, all right?

I want you to do the same over here,

but just a little bit shorter.

- ♪

- [gunshot fires]

- You shot me! [groaning]

- You're [bleep] damn right, I shot you.

I'm the real James Bond.

You'll be a new villain named...

Bozo Kodjoe.

- [gunshot fires]

- [evil laugh]

[bellowing laugh echoing]

- [gunshot fires] - Oh, shit!

[bleep]! Man, [bleep]! Man!

- MALE REPORTER: Well, guess who won't be the first Black Bond?

Boris, that goofy bald guy.

He's having a hair-rific day.

Welcome to the latest episode of The Black, the Bald,

and the Not-So-Beautiful.

- What?

- REPORTER: One-time pretty boy, now goofy boy, Boris Kodjoe,

was caught in a dressing room with his bush out

at an upscale Beverly Hills department store.

- Oh, shit!

- REPORTER: Maybe he should consider

the Hair Club for Germans.

- Oh!

- Speaking of foreigners, Idris Elba's rumored

to be the next Bond.

His asking price? $20 million.

Keep your chin up there, Boris.

They may bring back "The Jeffersons."

- Damn!

- REPORTER: Talk about hair-raising.

- Unfortunately, I'm cursed with German genes

which, combined with some mild steroid use,

when I was a five-year-old tennis pro,

promotes extreme rapid hair growth on 75 percent of my head.

Yeah.

I need to get a haircut every six hours.

[speaking non-English] - Wait! Wait a minute!

Y'all see what I see?

- What the [bleep] JB?!

- It wasn't me.

It was probably somebody who hated on you,

who knows deep down that I shoulda been James Bond.

- Then who is that?

- ♪

- [bleep] that's me! - No, no, no, no, wait!

- [speaking non-English]

- It don't matter, mitch. You can't haul my ass anyway!

Know why? 'Cause I still do my own damn stunts!

- BORIS: Let me-- - [glass shattering]

- Oh! - Oh, shit!

- Damn! - Damn!

- Why y'all gotta mess up my-- - [doorbell rings]

- What now, man?

- You deserved this, JB. - You [bleep] up, man.

- Breakin' up my stuff in my house all the time.

Oh, what the hell do you want?

You will be hearin' from my lawyer very soon--

and by lawyer, I'm talkin' about Johnnie Cochran.

- Jonnie Cochran is dead. - He is not dead.

I saw him on TV when he got Cuba-OJ off.

- Did you now?

Anywho, I came over to share some good news, all right?

Our sales have skyrocketed and-- - That is not good news.

That's obvious.

Actin' like you're sayin' something I don't know.

Last I checked, I was Kevin Hart.

Of course the sales skyrocketed, okay?

I'll tell you what I am surprised at.

Is that my face was stolen for 50 Shades.

- Will you let me finish? - Finish. Go ahead.

- Over the next year, we're projected to do

a net sales of $100 million, which means that

your ten percent is $10 million.

- [spits]

That was me spittin' that bullshit out,

'cause according to the release form that I signed,

I can't get nothin', LeToya.

- Well, if you agree to be the new face of 50 Shades of Brown.

- No, I'll bite you. I'll bite you.

I don't know if you know who you're talkin' to or not.

- Of course, I do.

- Well, if you knew who you were talking to,

then you would know that I'm not doin' jack shit,

until I get my $25,000 put back on my credit card.

- Okay, well, you'll get your 25K.

I'll just take it off of the $10 million.

Mmmmm...

- Okay.

You got a deal.

- Good. - Good.

- [kisses] - Whoa.

He's so stupid, he's cute.

[laughing]

- LeToya Luckett is about to change her name

to LeToya Luckiest-Girl- In-The-World.

- LETOYA: Boy! Put your clothes back on!

- ♪