Original subtitles

- So, I just got off the phone with Warner Bros.,

and, unfortunately,

they are gonna pull the plug on "Get Harder."

- Are you kidding me right now?

- Look, it doesn't matter because, unlike my legal fees,

you are still gonna get paid, hm?

- Are you kidding me? - Yeah.

- That's why I almost pay you the big bucks.

- You have a lot of time on your hands now.

You're looking at three months of free time.

What are you gonna do? - Man, I don't know.

- I'm thinking you should probably relax, rejuvenate,

maybe read a book, hm? - I'm not doin' that.

Reading's for dummies. Nobody does that.

I'ma go back to school.

I told my mom, I said when I had some free time

on my hands, that I would go ahead back

and I would finish up, so, that's what I'ma do.

- It's just I coulda swore that you told me

that you'd finished college.

- I'm not talking about college, Trina.

I'm talking about high school.

- Aha! - What the hell?

- You owe me a hundred dollars, Trina.

I told you there was no way Kevin got into college.

- Wayne Brady.

You know, Wayne, why don't you do me a favor

and explain to me why people call you a "star."

- Because I graduated from high school.

[laughs] Spell GED, Kevin.

- What, right now? - Now.

- Uh... [clears throat]

All right, uh, "J"... - WAYNE: Hm.

- Uh...use it in a sentence. Give me one sentence.

- Kevin, hurry your ass up and spell GED.

- "J"..."J"..."A"... - TRINA: Oh.

- KEVIN: "J-A-I." - WAYNE: Hm.

- [bleep]. I don't need... I'm not doin' this.

Forget you, man. Forget both--

I'm not...whatever, Wayne. [slams door]

- WAYNE: [laughing] - Why?

Why do you have to pick on him like that?

- Because he's so pickable-- like a booger.

- BOTH: [laughing]

- Oh, gross. - So, what's this, uh...

important news? - Oh, it's not important.

It's, you know, I'm having a day.

The lease is up on the Mercedes. - Okay.

- I can't decide what to do with my hair next,

and, Kevin, you know, fill in the blanks.

- Mmm. - And I wanna have a baby.

- [dramatic music]

- [sighs] Us?

- ♪ This is the life, this is the life ♪

♪ We got the life, we got the life ♪

♪ This is the city where we party every night ♪

♪ Party every night

♪ Just you and me, down and to go ♪

♪ Welcome to Hollywood, welcome to Hollywood ♪

♪ Welcome to Hollywood ♪

- Oh, wow. Baby, baby, um... - Mm-hm?

- Look, uh...you know...

that I don't want another baby right now.

- Oh, you-- - Oh, no.

No, I'm sorry.

- No, you don't have to be sorry.

No, no. I'm sorry, there was a little confusion.

Probably a miscommunication over it.

The, uh, the thing is that I am gonna have a baby...

- Mmmmm...

- But not with you.

- Uh...

Well, who...? [laughing]

It better not be with that little ignorant

booger-picker. - Oh? Kevin?

- Yeah. - No!

- No? - No, no, no!

I would rip my tubes out first. - I'd help.

- Okay, yeah. - WAYNE: [laughs]

- No. No. I'm gonna get artificial insemination.

- Oh!

- Are you okay?

- KEVIN: Today I returned to Morning Star High School

to finally get my diploma.

You see, during my senior year,

I accidentally killed the school mascot and I got expelled.

That's right, I became the most hated man in school history.

But it wasn't my fault.

I mean, nobody told that albino goat

to eat that grass in front of that cannon.

Blew that goat's head clean off, sure did.

But it turns out, it made for some good eatin',

I'll tell ya that.

Yeah, grandma straight Steph Curried that goat.

[laughing] We at the shit out that goat.

Anyway, the school lost every game since then.

But that was 20 years ago.

But now I'm a big star and I can't wait to

feel the love from my almost mater.

- WOMAN: Goat killer! - MAN: Kevin Hart, right?

- KEVIN: Hey, hey...oh!

Hey, listen now, I had--

Uh-oh! Coleman!

Coleman, move!

- STUDENTS: [shouting mixed comments]

- I don't think they care for you, sir.

- KEVIN: Shut up.

I don't give a damn if they care for me.

Let's go over the schedule. - Yes.

Oh, they gave you a very, very difficult schedule, sir.

Let me see. Oh...

We have got geometry, we've got biology,

chemistry-- - Stop, stop, stop.

You're makin' my head hurt.

We're not here to learn, we're here to graduate, Coleman.

- Don't you want a good education, sir?

- You got a good education, didn't you?

- I had an excellent education, sir.

I studied at Oxford.

- Well, listen, unless they had a class there

called "Carry a Little [bleep]'s Bags 101,"

I suggest you ask for your money back.

Now shut your ass up.

Let's go buy some grades.

I ace an "A", Mr. Siraki, here's your stacky.

Don't you go spendin' all that at the strip club.

Thank you, man.

Okay, look, that's five down.

We need one more to graduate, okay? Let's go.

Oh, listen, man, Keysha Turner.

You see, back in the day,

Keysha used to have a little thing for me,

and I used to have a big thing for her.

She was gonna be my homecoming date,

but I got expelled, so I couldn't do it.

I'm one of the best. She hasn't gotten over me.

I know she hasn't.

Would you get over this?

Keysha!

Girl!

Look at you. Gimme a hug.

- Who do you think you are buying off teachers?

- The biggest comedian in the world.

A man that you used to be in love with back in high school.

- [laughing] Oh, see, if you had told that joke

on your "What Now?" tour, someone mighta laughed.

- That's funny. How about this, baby?

How about we patch all this up over dinner?

Let's discuss you giving me an "A,"

and me givin' you the "D." [chuckling]

Hm? You know what I mean.

- Uh, yeah, I...I got that. I already got the "D."

I'm, uh, disgusted.

Look, Kevin, I can't be bought.

Keep your money and your "Get Hard" posters.

I used to love Will Ferrell. You've ruined him for me.

- Just like good grades, she's playin' hard to get.

But I'm about to impress her with some extra credits.

Mmm!

Coleman, I can't eat none of this shit!

- I'll see what I can rustle up, sir.

- Okay, gluten-free, Coleman. - Yes, sir.

- I'm not tryin' to have no gas.

- Where you goin', Bernie Sanders?

- I'm acting on orders from my employer, madam.

- Who? - My employer, madam...

Mr. Kevin Hart.

- Well, well, well...

if it ain't the man that ruined my life!

- What the hell are you talkin' about?

- It's Tasha Grigsby.

- Okay, now, was that a boom or was that your footstep?

- Oh, don't make me [bleep] you up, Kevin.

You left me dateless at the homecoming.

- What you need to be worried about

is who the hell left you toothless?

- You--! - KEVIN: [choking]

Coleman, take Tasha down! Coleman, take her down!

Help me! - Madam. Madam, please.

- KEVIN: I didn't ask you to no damn prom!

- I didn't always look like this--

tired and worn out.

Back in the day, before Kevin Hart broke my heart,

I actually looked like this...

- KEVIN: [grunts] Oh!

- You're gon' take me to the homecoming this year,

or you're gonna lose your tater tots, you hear me?!

You hear me?! - KEVIN: [sobbing]

Ow! Ow! Okay!

- And Gollum here, gon' take Mildred.

- Oh, goody.

- ♪ Hey you know what time it is ♪

- Burn 'n turn. Boom.

- Oh, turn that shit back.

- So, gentlemen, when's Kevin gettin' back

with his high school diploma?

- Ha. My guess is about five years.

- I'll see your five and raise you eight.

- ALL: [laughing]

- Well, I'ma go ahead and say...

I bet a lifetime,

'cause I done moved all my stuff in.

- Sure, boss.

- WAYNE: I wanna ask you a serious question.

What would you do if your woman was gonna have a baby

through, uh, artificial insemination?

- Wait, is she gonna use a robot?

- Jackie! Jackie! - What?

- Jesus...that's... that's artificial intelligence.

Let me see your high school diploma.

- You ain't gotta worry about that. I got that.

I got mine right there. - He's got it.

- All right, listen, this sounds like some serious shit, okay?

So, who are we talking about? Trina?

- If we are, I'd like to make a special donation

to that cause, ooh!

- Come on, man, this is serious.

- Okay. Okay.

- Well, it sounds to me that she doesn't want

a game show host leavin' his own prizes in her womb.

- OTHERS: [laughing]

- Or a tap-dancing baby jumpin' out with jazz hands.

- It sounds like she wants to go with door #2.

- OTHERS: [laughing]

- I see what your problem is, Wayne--

you're in a relationship with a woman

who's more successful than you.

- That's everybody you ever dated.

- That's not true.

- What about the girl in the car wash?

- What about her?

- Yeah, and the bathroom attendant.

How'd you meet her?

- It was dark. Went in the wrong door.

- WAYNE: Oh, Jackie, come on.

The one night I need the real husbands,

I get stuck with the real losers.

These mitches are bitches. [chuckles]

- [mixed comments]

- KEVIN: Hey.

- What's that you got there?

- Uh, these are the books that you told me to read.

- No, um, that. - [goat bleats]

- Oh, you're talking about "Trinidad."

- Yeah.

- Oh, my God, I'm glad you just said that.

Wait, I gotta do this.

Come here. Come here.

Okay, give me a second. [clears throat]

Excuse me! [claps hands]

Can I have everybody's attention, please?

- [Trinidad bleats]

- Um, 20 years ago, a goat was killed here

by a stray cannonball.

Me being the [unintelligible] that I am,

I decided to let bygoats be bygoats.

- [Trinidad bleats]

- So, I'm bringing you your new mascot.

I would to introduce you all to Trinidad II.

As of today, the curse is over,

and we are ba-a-a-a-a-ck!

- CROWD: [cheering, applauding]

- Better get us free tickets.

- Hey, that's tough love.

- CROWD: [shouting mixed comments]

- KEVIN: [clears throat]

[laughs]

So...are you impressed?

- No.

You really do think that you can buy your way

out of anything, don't you?

- Yes. Yes, I do.

Why else be rich and famous, know that?

- Who read those books, you or Coleman?

- Who do you think read them?

- Coleman.

- So, how did he do? Did I pass?

- No. No, you don't pass until you pass the final,

which I doubt you will do.

- Okay, well, I'll make a deal with you.

If and when I do pass this final,

you have to let me take you to the homecoming dance.

- [laughs] You really are cocky, aren't you?

- I've been told that.

- I'll tell you what. It's a bet.

If you fail... - Okay.

- ...then you have to build a new computer lab for the school.

- Oh, Miss Turner's about to go down.

See, what she doesn't know is that

I'm wearin' these special glasses,

and what I see, Coleman can see.

And what Coleman says, I can hear.

Oh...

did I mention that I can see her underwear

with these things on? [chuckling]

They're blue. [chuckling]

We about you. - [Trinidad bleating]

- Good.

- ♪

- There he is--Tony Rock!

You're one of the funniest men in the country.

My man. - Wayne Brady.

What's up, sir? - You know me.

Just makin' deals. - I feel you. I feel you.

So, how's Trina doin'?

- That's right, the two of you used to date.

- Yeah, you put an end to that, though.

- Tony, Tony, Tony,

uh, did Trina ever talk to you about, uh...

artificial insemination?

- [laughing]

Trina, Trina, Trina.

Things must be gettin' close between you two.

- Close? Close like what?

- A real relationship.

See, Trina likes to act like she doesn't play games,

but she's a [bleep] puppet master, okay?

Take it from a former puppet.

When she gets real, a little too close,

she gets scared and starts to pull away.

But she can't woman up and tell you that.

She'll manipulate you

and make you shoot yourself in the foot.

With me it was, "Hey, let's take a year and see the world...

and other people." - Who does that?

- A woman tryin' to get rid of your Black ass,

that's who does it.

- So, did you take the year off?

- Yeah, I had no choice.

She bought an around the world ticket for one.

- What happened?

- She met you, asshole. - Ha, uh...

- ♪ You're hot

♪ You're hot

♪ You're hot

♪ You're hot

♪ You're hot

♪ You're hot ♪

- I can't believe it. Look...look at this.

Wow. [laughs]

Hey, you didn't think I was gonna pass that exam, did you?

- No.

- You'd better be lucky you didn't bet

those blue panties that you were wearin'.

- Huh? - Not that I would know.

Let's get on a new topic, now.

You're not gonna start cheerin' my name.

- STUDENTS: [chanting "Kevin!"]

- Yes! - [cheering stops]

- Now listen to me.

I told y'all I was gonna make this school great again

and that's exactly what I did, people.

- STUDENTS & STAFF: [cheering, applauding]

- KEVIN: Okay?

For the first time in 20 years, we won! We won!

- STUDENTS & STAFF: [cheering, applauding]

- Now that I made the school great again,

you guys can be just as great as me.

Wait a minute, that's not right, that's not right.

Not as great as me,

but you guys can be somewhat successful

with a new computer lab that I'm donating to the school.

- STUDENTS & STAFF: [cheering, applauding]

- Now, without further badu, let's get this party started!

- STUDENTS & STAFF: [cheering, applauding]

- ♪ The lights are turned down low ♪

♪ And I'm here to show you how to flow ♪

♪ When I know the song's on ♪

♪ Watch me get my wind on ♪

♪ Watch me get mine on

♪ Get down low

♪ Sittin' in my cool clothes ♪

♪ I ask her where she go

♪ Makes no difference now though ♪

♪ Meet me every day

♪ Meet me with spirit

♪ Every day we wake up

♪ Every day we got business ♪

[music tempo slows]

♪ Yeah

♪ Oh oh oh oh I...

- WOMAN: [screams]

- MAN: What is that? - WOMAN: Oh, my God!

- TASHA: Hey!

- WOMAN: [screams]

- ALL: [screaming]

- You forgot to pick me up!

Guess what I'm servin' with tater tots.

[kisses]

- Uh, this light- thighed tater tot

done lost her goat-damn mind.

Um...yeah ...tried... I tried calling your, um...

your cell phone and your number's, I think, 818--

You crazy [bleep]!

- [cackling laughter]

[cackling continues]

- WAYNE: Everybody, welcome back to "Let's Make a Deal."

I need a lady, I need a single lady right now

to make a deal with me.

I need a single lady.

You! You, right here, come with me.

Trina. - AUDIENCE: [cheering]

- What are you doing, Wayne?

- Listen...

All right, Trina. - This isn't funny.

- Neither is artificial insemination.

All right, welcome to the show, Trina.

So, Trina, what are you dressed as?

- I'm not playing, Wayne.

- Oh, I get it-- an angry, Black woman.

Good choice. - AUDIENCE: [laughs]

- No, I'm just kiddin'. Just kiddin'.

Maybe this will soften it a little bit.

How about a check for $500?

- AUDIENCE: [cheering, applauding]

- Mm-hm, but you look really successful.

You may not want this check.

I think I know what you want.

You can have the check,

or whatever is inside this envelope.

Check or the envelope?

- AUDIENCE: [shouting mixed comments]

- Wayne, you know I don't like playing games.

- That's not what I heard.

What'd you say? You don't want the money?

You don't need my money. I've heard that before.

What's in the envelope? It is...

an all-expense paid trip around the world

on an airline for one! - AUDIENCE: [cheering]

- Look at that! This...

this would be a great trip for someone who loves to fly solo.

What? What you-- Oh, this isn't good enough?

You want something else? I got you.

What's in the big box? Tiffany?

- [game show music] - AUDIENCE: [cheering]

- WAYNE: It's a brand new baby boy.

Bring that little bundle of joy

on over here, Tiffany.

Go ahead and hold him.

Oh, he's got my hair.

Look at him. So cute.

Yep, this little bundle of joy

pees, cries and, uh... [sniffing]

yep, even does that, too. - AUDIENCE: [laughing]

- And you know, the best part about this little baby--

he don't need no daddy. [laughing]

- [baby doll cries] - Yep!

Look at that--those were two great prizes

for the woman who can do it all on her own,

unless you are willing to take a chance on true happiness.

Jonathan...huh?

- Wayne, why are you doing this?

- Why are you so afraid?

So? - Fine!

I'll play your game, Wayne. - AUDIENCE: [cheering]

- I'll take the box.

- WAYNE: She's goin' for the box!

Oh, you've won two brand new keys.

- AUDIENCE: [cheering, applauding]

- Wow. - To my house.

- What? - AUDIENCE: [cheering]

- Yes, I...

Hold on, folks, hold on, hold on.

Look, I'm tired of playing games, Trina.

If we're really gonna make this work,

let's make it work, or let's just stop

this relationship, okay?

Now I'm not trying to force anything.

Baby steps, baby steps.

I get it. I don't want you to be scared.

But we've gotta start someplace, right?

So, my cards are on the table.

And they're all hearts. - AUDIENCE: Aw...

[shouting mixed comments]

- Come on, baby, I need an answer--

because we've gotta go to commercial.

- Is Trina gonna have to move in with the mitch?

- AUDIENCE: [cheering, applauding]

- [game show music]

- KEVIN: Don't do it, Trina.

- WAYNE: She took the big deal, y'all.

- KEVIN: You better not listen--

Wayne's lyin', man. His house is in foreclosure.

Wayne is a dog. - AUDIENCE: [cheering]

- Hey ...leman! - [doorbell rings]

- Hey, Coleman, get the door!

I shoulda left Coleman in Philadelphia.

Where's he at?

Hey. - Hi.

- What are you doing here? - You forgot this.

- Forgot this? - Mm-hm.

What is this?

- On behalf of Morning Star High School,

I present you...

with...

- Mmm!

- BOTH: [laughing]

- Oh, we've gotta get to the bed.

- Wait, wait, wait. - What?

First, I am gonna slip into something

a little more...naked...

and when I come back, baby,

I'm gonna give you a real education.

- Oh! Oh!

Mmm! Mmm!

[sighs]

Girl, I'm so hype!

Go like this. Okay. Girl?

You got me out here all twistin' and turning,

I'm so ready for you.

I've been waiting for this for like 20 years!

- FEMALE VOICE: So have I!

- What? She drinkin' some water from the city?

Why her voice sound like that?

Sounds like mine. What are you talkin' about?

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

- Shut up and take it like a man.

- Take what? What you tryin' to get me like a man?

Ain't nobody tryin' to get--

No, no, no! I don't need those.

No, I don't like it.

Yes, I do.

No, get it off me.

Oh, stop it. Move. Okay, Okay.

Look, if we gon' do this, let's do it right.

- What's that? - Let me get on top.

Let me filet your mignon.

- Oh...yes.

- BOTH: [laughing]

- Come here. Relax. Relax, girl.

I've been waitin' for this.

Die! Die!

- [muffled screams]

- Oh, you a strong mother [bleep]!

- [muffled screams continue]

- KEVIN: [yelping]

You killed her! you killed her!

- [cackling laughter]

- [cackling laughter]

- ♪