Original subtitles

- KEVIN: Welcome to Club Sober.

You know, AA should stand for "Always Ask."

I'll be honest with you-- I just show up to a meeting,

say one of those stupid sayings like,

"I'm tired of being sick and tired."

After that, I start crying, and before you know it,

the only thing that I'm tired of is [bleep].

I'm tired of telling this man tale all over town.

But you know what they say...

- ALL: Keep comin' back.

It works if you work it.

- Yeah! - ALL: [applauding]

- But you're looking at the real reason I'm in recovery.

- [heavenly music] - Kevin!

- See, I've been trying to hook up with Nia since rehab

when I found out that she was a sex addict.

- I want it so much I can do it over and over,

and over again! - Oh, again? Great.

I'm about to put out a new movie

called "Ridin' Nia Long" and it's a nasty one.

- ♪ This is the life, this is the life ♪

♪ We got the life, we got the life ♪

♪ This is the city where we party every night ♪

♪ Party every night

♪ Just you and me, down and to go ♪

♪ Welcome to Hollywood, welcome to Hollywood ♪

♪ Welcome to Hollywood ♪

- Oh, my God, it's so good to see you.

Look at you. Hi!

- What's goin' on with you? How have you been?

- Oh, honey, I'm just having such a rough week.

- What?

- I've just been having all of these cravings

for like "bad girl" sex, you know?

- Wait. Wait a minute.

- Like I just wanna take like the first guy that I see

and I just wanna grab him and I just wanna--

- Oh! - --grab them and I just...

- No, no, no. - I can't control myself.

- Well, you can't do that.

- Do you like stuffed animals? - I'm sorry? What?

- Do you like stuffed animals?

- Uh, yeah, naw, I love 'em. Why? What's...?

- Well, 'cause I like to [bleep] 'em.

I like to [bleep] stuffed animals

and then what happens is I get really angry

and I get really mad. - Okay...

- And then I hate 'em. - That's a weird transition.

- I know. - Okay, listen to me.

Hey, hey, hey! Listen to me.

- Yeah. Yeah. - You are better than that.

- You're right. You're right. - I know I'm right.

- Thanks, Kev. - Look, you know...

Here's what I want you to do. I want you to go home.

I want you to go get your big black book

and I want you to read it.

Matter of fact, don't even go home.

Come to my place. That's...that's the move.

I got a big book--and I'm not talking about this one.

[chuckling] Ah...

- Are you trying to take advantage of me?

- Huh?

- Like just because I touched your [bleep] nipples

and rubbed on them doesn't mean that I'm easy.

- Okay... - Now I've gotta have sugar

and I said earlier that I was not gonna have sugar

'cause the sugar makes me wanna [bleep], Kevin.

- Okay, well, that's... - I can't with you. I can't.

- Well, I'm wrong. - Yeah, you're [bleep] wrong.

- Yeah, I'm, um, I need to work on that.

What?

What the hell...?

- [dramatic music]

- Pharrell, well, well...

look what the drugs just drug in.

- ROBIN: Man, it's good to see you.

You look good, man. - You don't.

You look like a bag 'o shit.

That's right, Robin, you look like a troubled man.

- For the record, I've never heard that song.

So you can't sue me. [laughs]

- NIA: Robin! - ROBIN: Oh, Nia!

- Hi! Oh, my God!

- You just did the same thing to me.

- ROBIN: It's so good to see you.

- What's goin' on here? That's enough.

- NIA: Oh... - Enough!

- KEVIN: Robin, what the hell are you doin' here?

You look high. - Just high on life, man.

Tryin' to get some of what you got.

- Didn't you get enough of that already, Robin?

Stealin' from Black people. - ROBIN: [laughing]

You know, you're still funny, Kev.

And that's why I want you to be my AA sponsor.

- NIA: Yes! - Yeah, right, right?

- Oh, he's outta his blurred mind.

Ain't no way in hell I'ma be Robin Winehouse's AA sponsor.

The only 12 steps that I'm showin' Robin

are the 12 steps to the door.

Word on the street is that you lost all your sponsors, Robin.

Too bad El Chapo doesn't advertise.

I'ma have to say no, man. I'm turnin' it down.

- NIA: Oh...

- [melancholy music]

- Tell the guys I miss 'em, man.

Good to see you. - NIA: I'm sorry.

- I'll do no such thing. I won't tell the guys nothin'.

I told him. - Kevin...

if you don't help that poor man,

I will never ever touch your big black book again.

- Now wait a minute, everybody slow down.

That's all you had to say.

All I needed was a little motivation.

- Good. - I'm gonna handle it right now.

Okay? All right, Willie Nelson,

you got two seconds to get your ass across that room,

or I grab you by those urine-stained pigtails,

and throw you.

Get to movin'.

I'm this guy's sponsor. [heavy sigh]

- Really? - Yeah, I'ma do it.

- Oh, Kev! Oh, man. [laughing]

- Whoa! Oh, God!

- ROBIN: You don't know how much this means to me.

- What? Jesus Christ! - I love you, man.

- Oh, my God, Robin, you smell like shit.

What is that?

- Uh, I went for a swim before I came here.

- In what? A pool of vomit? - ROBIN: [laughing]

No, my pool's filled with tequila.

- That just stinks, man. Oh, Nia!

- So, was Robin sober? - Hell, no, Robin ain't sober.

I could tell by his lean that he was on that lane.

Came in here smellin' like he spent a [bleep] year

on another tour bus. - Hey! Hey!

- You know what's on that bus.

- Listen, don't blame that on me, man.

Besides, my tour bus is still in the impound.

- You know what, Nelly?

How do you get off all the time, man?

Eighteen bags of marijuana, pills, pistols.

Come on, man, how you keep gettin' off?

- Easy. I'm innocent. - Innocent?!

- Yeah, yeah, no. No, I'm innocent!

- You didn't find it on Mo, you gotta let him go.

- He's lyin'. That looked like a lie.

- Speaking of maryjane, I got the munchies, man.

Got all this damn house and no food.

- Why don't you shut up, Nick. - You shut up.

- Don't do him like that.

JB said he was gon' bring the food.

- Thank you. - [horn honks]

- That's probably him right there.

- That's him. - Loud ass.

Always doin' somethin'. - Right on time.

- Oh...wow, wow, wow. - What the hell?

- The Fee Fry Fo Fum truck.

- Hey, you mitches. Come on and get a plate.

- What the hell are you doin', JB?

- Hey, Kevin, I said I was bringing

the food for the game, right?

- Hey, JB, where the hell you get a food truck from, man?

- And why you got a hand- written, lower case "a"?

- You know what? The real one's comin' in the mail.

This right here, my friends, is Shangri-La, you understand?

This is a gift for my Auntie for gettin' outta jail.

- I don't know why you keep tellin' these mother [bleep]

you done bought me something.

He ain't bought me a mother [bleep] thing.

I bought this with my own mother [bleep] money.

- JB: Who wrote a check?

- AUNTIE FEE: I didn't ask you to write a check?

- If I didn't write that check, guess what?

Your ass woulda been back in jail for stealin'

a truck just like this one.

- I wouldn't give a [bleep]!

I'll go back to jail right now for ten.

You're another asshole.

- Oh, I'm gone.

- This is good. - Everything is off the table.

- Mmm! Oh, my goodness!

Aunt Fee, these right here, these fried Twinkies,

girl, you done did it. They're exquisite.

- And the fried Kool-Aid, unbelievable.

- All that shit better than a bitch's ass.

- This taste like a bitch's ass.

- You all should be ashamed of yourselves

sittin' there praisin' grease,

puttin' all that crap in your body.

It's disgusting is what it is.

- Keep on, Kevin, keep on,

'cause I will [bleep] your head up.

- I ain't said nothin' to-- - [laughter]

- Kevin, man, watch your mouth, brother.

I'm telling you. - Keep the [bleep] on.

- Hey, I was your size one time.

Used to beat my ass with a belt.

So, I called Social Services, they show up.

She whooped they ass, too.

Everybody got [bleep] up that day.

- Yeah, well, guess what? Hit me all you want.

Just gon' bounce right back when they hit this brick wall.

I'm at five percent body fat right now, fellas.

- Yeah, but only two percent of your brain works.

- I don't need a lotta brains, Nick,

not with a hand like this.

I'm all in, fellas. - What?

- Now you heard what I said. I'm all in.

- Hey! - Oh!

- [mixed comments]

- Hey, Robin, hey!

- Hey, Kev, gimme some love, man.

- Give him love, Kevin. - Robin ...bin...

- Hey, Kev, you got a second? I need to holla at you.

- Yeah, after this hand. I'm all in.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, but my demons are callin' me, man.

- That sounds like you need a priest.

- Yeah, yeah, no, I need my sponsor.

- KEVIN: I really think that maybe we should schedule a time.

- Oh, know what, Kevin, go ahead

and do that sponsor thing. - Yeah.

- That's responsible of you. - No, no, no.

Y'all can leave, but your money's gonna stay.

- Nice seein' you, baby. - Glad you back.

- Yeah, Robin, nice to see you, man.

- ROBIN: [groaning] Boy...

- Every time you come over,

I somehow seem to lose at poker, Robin.

- Come on and have a seat, buddy.

We've got a lot to go over.

You know, today I realized, you know, my problems all started

when I was about ten, you know? - Yeah.

- My dad was on "Growing Pains,"

and then I started to have my own growing pains, of course.

- KEVIN: I'd rather be drowned in this man's pool of vomit

than listen to this horse shit.

- But I really hit rock bottom

when I wrote a whole album called "Ex Wife."

- KEVIN: [snoring] - ROBIN: Oh...

What was I thinking?

But, you know, I'm an artist, you know,

and that's what artists do.

They...they express themselves, what they're going through.

- Chicken nuggets, mother [bleep], what...?

White people, they talk too much.

I'm just gon' say it-- that's why she left him,

and now it's time for him to leave me.

Get your ass out my house, Robin.

Robin, you've been talking for...for like 12 hours, man.

- Yeah.

- And I don't mind, man, but you just...

you just lay it on so damn thick.

- I'm sorry, but I've got like 15 years of stuff to go through,

man, I mean, one step at a time, right?

- Okay, well, you know, you can take as many steps as you want,

Robin, just step your ass up out my house.

Come on, man. Let's go.

Them shoes were made for walkin'.

- Yeah, and I knew when I started sniffing glue

it had gone too far, you know?

- Robin, just write a song about it, put--

What the...? You got to be shittin' me!

- Oh, good, I'm starvin'. - You gotta be--

You know what? I'm sick of it, man.

- [phone ringing] - JB, why the hell

is Auntie Fee's truck in my driveway with a boot on it?

What do you mean?

I'm lookin' at the truck with a picture

of Harriet Tubman on the side of it, JB.

I want the truck outta my driveway.

I don't care if she gotta come down here in high heels, JB.

I want it out!

- I told Auntie Fee, I bailed your ass outta jail,

I got you your food truck, I got your teeth fixed.

Well, some of 'em.

But I'm not paying for no damn parking tickets!

I will not!

♪ Suda fooda what you doin' to ♪

- KEVIN: Get outta my driveway!

When I told Nia I helped Robin, she couldn't wait

to come over and read my big book.

You got to be shittin'. Unh-unh, Auntie Fee!

You gotta stop throwin' that [bleep] grease in my yard.

- Shut up, Kevin!

You're always talkin'. Shut up!

- I'm so sick of this shit.

JB...excuse me. Excuse...

Get your asses out the way! [clapping hands]

Move!

JB, what'd I tell you about this truck?

- Look, I move this truck, there's gonna be a riot.

Now we got a lineup like [bleep] Shaq's shack.

- I don't see Shaq here.

- Shut up, boy, and eat this strawberry shortcake.

Shit. - What the hell is this?

- It's cream! Oh, my God...

- Wait a minute, now hold on. - NIA: [gasping]

- KEVIN: Wait a second, honey. - NIA: [moaning]

Honey... - Okay, I know.

- You've gotta give me the recipe to this.

- All you need is some flour, some sugar, some bakin' powder,

a few mother [bleep] strawberries,

but the main ingredient, and you can't forget it,

is the mother [bleep] tequila...

and you're set to [bleep] go.

- NIA: Oh, yeah...

[meowing]

- KEVIN: All these treats gon' make me poopy

in my pappy panty diapers. - Oh, poop poop, pappy.

you need me to change your diapy wipy?

- KEVIN: I need you to change my diapy.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, I'll change your diapy.

- BOTH: [giggling]

- I'm Cocky. I'm a flying squirrel.

You wanna share my nuts? - Oh, yeah, baby.

I want some of your nuts, but first,

I need you to eat my biscuit.

- KEVIN: I'ma biscuit- lovin' rodent.

- Did I come at a bad time? - KEVIN: Who is that?

Who the hell is that?

- Hey, Nia. - Hi.

- How you doin'?

- KEVIN: Yes, Robin, this is a bad time.

- Oh, you're a plushy. - NIA: [laughs]

- ROBIN: [laughs] So am I.

- Plushy, my ass. He's a cocky blocky.

What are you doing here, man?

- Well, man, I'm havin' a real bad day, man.

I'm tryin' not to drink this.

- What do you mean tryin' not to drink?

You were just at your meeting. What happened?

- Some guy told me I needed to get a new hairstyle.

- Oh...

- That made me feel... about as tall as you.

- ROBIN & NIA: [laughing]

- All right, listen, first of all, Robin,

that means that you can take 'im, okay?

Now what we're gonna do, we're gonna find this guy.

Right now. - Right now?

- Not we, you, yes, and after you find him,

we're gonna handle it and I want you to call me.

- But shouldn't--

- Call me when you whoop his ass.

- No. No. Baby, no. Robin needs you.

You've gotta be there for him.

And I'm gonna take care of you later.

- Honey, wait, wait, wait.

What I need is to finish my biscuits

before they dry up.

- I know, baby, but the biscuit is gonna stay nice and moist.

- KEVIN: [gasps]

Oh!

You know, my life was great until Robin stopped drinking.

I mean, I'm never gonna be able to get Nia

as long as I'm his sponsor.

But, if for some reason, Robin just so happens

to fall back off that wagon, I will have done my duty

and it'll be time to hit that booty.

Guess who's about to do some shots?

- Fellas, I don't know what it is,

but Aunt Fee definitely put her foot in this.

This is toe-jammin'. Mm! Mm! Mm!

- I've seen that lady pick a lock with those feet.

- My God!

- I tell you, man, what she needs is her own cooking show.

Nick, I'm telling you, don't sleep on this.

I've got it all figured out.

Here's the title. Here's the title.

"Auntie Fee Din' You."

- I see what you did.

- I even got t-shirts for it. - I like that.

- I got it here. - Damn, JB!

- Who fried her face? - It look batter.

- Hey, come on, guys, be fair. That's someone's father.

- Jeez!

- That's my auntie you're talkin' about.

- Auntie-Two-Pack-of-Cigarettes

need to get the hell outta my house, JB.

How about that?

- If you're so [bleep] tough, why don't you talk to her?

- No, that's your aunt. - She's everybody's aunt.

- No, I'm not gonna argue with you.

Everybody want a drink? I got riled up.

Y'all want no drinks? Robin, you want a drink?

Robin, you want one? - ROBIN: [chuckles]

No, I'm good, Kev. Thanks, man.

- I don't know what you got to lose.

I mean, you lost everything...

including the lawsuit.

- [dramatic music]

- That's pending appeal.

- Come on, Kevin, that's not cool.

- KEVIN: What are you talking about?

- Ain't you supposed to be his sponsor?

- Yeah, I am. It's a test. That's what sponsors do.

You constantly test your...your person.

- No, Kevin, that's not how it works.

You don't give people tests over and over again.

- That's exactly how it works. - That's not how it works.

You wanna tell me?

I was Auntie Fee's sponsor since I was two years old.

I know how it works. - You don't know shit.

- Not true!

She would hold me in her arms, at two years old,

and I would tell her, "That's not good.

That's not good." - I'm not arguing with you now.

Fine. Let's play the game.

- We're here to have a good time.

- Hey, Robin, before we start playing,

how's Paula doin', man?

I mean, since you two aren't really, you know...

[clicks tongue] You know?

What you used to be.

Do you mind if I give her a call?

- Hey, man, what the hell? - Why?

- I'm askin' a simple question, guys.

I don't understand the problem. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Everybody relax.

Am I sensing a little bit of Terry Crews

is tryin' to come out over there?

We all know how Terry like that scotch now, don't we?

Wait! Hey! Boy, you strong as shit, man.

- I thought we were havin' a nice game.

- What the [bleep] are you doin', man?

- I am doin' what Paula and the rest of Black America did.

I'm gettin' rid of Robin. That's what I'm doin'.

- Okay, all right, mother [bleep] here it is.

I'm done. We ready for some mother [bleep]

strawberry shortcake or what?

- [mixed comments] - Shut up, Jackie!

That's enough. You've had enough.

Gimme these. There's only one person here

that deserve them, Aunt Fee and that's Robin.

Robin, I wanna give you these man,

'cause you've been doin' a good job.

You done passed all your tests, brother.

Enjoy yourself. That's dessert for you.

- This was a test? - That was all a test.

- All right. - I'm proud of you.

- I'll let it go. - Get in there, Robin.

KEVIN: I know, I already know, before you say anything,

I know I'm a horrible sponsor.

That's why I got him a new sponsor.

And her name is Auntie Fee.

- [slurring] Honesty, though, how do you even steal music?

You know, everybody's suing everybody now.

How do you own a note?

♪ Ohhhhhhh

See, who owns that?

- Actually, Pavarotti.

- AUNT FEE: Okay... - KEVIN: Auntie's fulla shit.

- It's the last one. - ROBIN: [gasps] Thank you. Yes.

- Kevin, all this is goin' on your tab.

- I want you out my house, Satchel Paige.

You hear me? Out!

- We ain't goin' nowhere. We're makin' too much money.

We're squatters. - What?

- Squattin', overturned, squattin'.

We're about to shit all over you.

[laughing]

- And there ain't a damn thing you can do about it, Kevin!

- I'm so sick of this [bleep] damn deep voiced, son of a...

- [slurring] I love you, cake. I love you, cake.

Mmmmm! - What?

I'm outta here. - We're goin'. We're outta here.

- See ya later, Kevin. - Adios, brother.

- [slurring] Where's everybody goin'?

- Wait! Hey! Hey! Don't y'all leave!

Which one of y'all gonna take Robin home?

- [tires squealing]

- Hey, Robin's drivin' himself home!

- What'd you say? - Go, Robin, go!

- Oh, he drove off in your X-- - You go, boy!

- He what? - He's gone.

- Robin! Why'd you let him drive my X away?

- You're kiddin' me.

You're kiddin' me.

[sighing]

Hell, no.

What in the...?

...the tarnation?

Don't tell me he took...

[sighing]

That's...

[groaning]

Panties!

Is this any...

Oh!

Another pair of panties?

No, these Robin's drawers. Ugh!

[smacking door]

Open up this damn door.

Better open up this door.

[smacking door]

- Nya, what's up, Doc?

- What the hell is goin' on here, Robin?

- Well, I told you I was a plushy, too.

- Oh, you better not plushin' who I think you're plushin'.

Move!

What the hell is goin' on in here?

Oh!

Oh, no...

You dirty mother...

Nia?

All right, you tell me the truth, "deer,"

what did he do to you?

Did he hurt you?

- What do you think he did, Kevin?

- Just tell me why? That's all I wanna know is why?

I did everything that you asked me to do, Nia.

- Baby, I'm a sex addict.

There doesn't need to be a why.

- But I have a why, Kevin.

A little thing I like to call payback, Kevin,

for when you made me storm off the show three years ago.

You know I loved being on this show.

Plus, I've always been a big fan of Love Jones.

- I didn't force that idiot off the show.

He quit... and like all addicts,

he's takin' a big boat down the river called Denial.

You dirty mother! That's it!

[screaming]

- ROBIN: Kev!

- We got all kinda mother [bleep] shit

on the mother [bleep] truck, okay, and it stays here.

I don't know where this [bleep] shit came from.

We just sorta bought it from a crackhead last week.

- God! God!

I'm so sick of this. What the hell is goin' on?

- What the [bleep] happened to you?

- Why don't you mind your damn business, okay?

You don't worry about nothin' that's got to do with me.

Tell me what's goin' on right now.

- Nick finally came to his mother [bleep] senses.

- Hey, JB was right. Aunt Fee's a natural.

- You're shootin' a [bleep] damn production

in my driveway right now, JB?

- You see a camera on my mother [bleep] head?

No, he's shooting this shit, not me.

- I'ma shut this whole damn thing down.

I'm sick of all this. All this gon' stop.

I'ma show you, right, right, okay?

[screaming]

- Can't do nothin'. Weak. You're weak.

It ain't comin' off, boy.

- It don't matter, Kevin. We're squattin', baby.

We ain't never movin'. We ain't goin' nowhere ever.

- I've done had it!

I've done had it with your old ass!

- AUNT FEE: You can also get a bed spring.

- Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Give it to me!

Get your old ass outta here!

Get out!

- Oh, you shouldn't have did that.

Find a hole! Get the [bleep] outta here!

Check this mother [bleep] before it blows!

- [massive explosion]

- Oh, you mother-- I don't have fire insurance!

- ♪