Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:13,665 --> 00:00:14,875
- Where Arsenio and Nelly at?
2
00:00:14,927 --> 00:00:16,227
- I don't know.
3
00:00:16,277 --> 00:00:17,887
- I don't know, you're
the one who calls them.
4
00:00:17,930 --> 00:00:19,760
- Doesn't matter, I just
want to know where they are.
5
00:00:19,802 --> 00:00:21,762
- What's going on with these
stale ass pretzels, Kev?
6
00:00:21,804 --> 00:00:23,284
- I am on a hot streak, Duane.
7
00:00:23,327 --> 00:00:25,197
I have not lost in six weeks
which means I am not
8
00:00:25,242 --> 00:00:26,902
changing anything.
9
00:00:26,939 --> 00:00:28,849
I'm not changing the pretzels,
I'm not changing the chips, I'm
10
00:00:28,898 --> 00:00:30,248
not changing my drawers,
everything's gonna stay
11
00:00:30,291 --> 00:00:31,511
the same.
12
00:00:31,553 --> 00:00:33,083
- Yeah I knew it smelled
like [bleep] up in here.
13
00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:34,160
I'm about to change
my mind, I'm going home.
14
00:00:34,208 --> 00:00:36,168
- [knock at door]
- Who is it?
15
00:00:36,210 --> 00:00:39,000
- ARSENIO: It's Arsen-ioooo-
16
00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:40,209
- What's up with your boy, man?
17
00:00:40,257 --> 00:00:41,947
Why does he have to make
everything an event?
18
00:00:41,998 --> 00:00:43,168
Everything has to be grandioso.
19
00:00:43,217 --> 00:00:44,477
- That is a legend at the door.
20
00:00:44,522 --> 00:00:46,872
- Doesn't matter who it is,
that's annoying.
21
00:00:46,916 --> 00:00:48,216
- ...ooo Hall.
22
00:00:48,265 --> 00:00:50,085
- Why you making
all that noise?
23
00:00:50,137 --> 00:00:51,917
I got neighbors.
24
00:00:51,964 --> 00:00:53,234
- It wasn't me, it was my
dawg Craig, you know Craig.
25
00:00:53,270 --> 00:00:57,010
- Who?
26
00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:58,147
Oh I know Craig.
27
00:00:58,188 --> 00:01:00,928
Mother[bleep],
get the-get off.
28
00:01:00,973 --> 00:01:02,853
Get-[bleep].
29
00:01:02,888 --> 00:01:04,018
- Are you crazy?
30
00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:05,944
- Don't tap out.
31
00:01:05,978 --> 00:01:08,288
- ♪ This is life
♪ This is the life
32
00:01:08,329 --> 00:01:09,979
♪ We got the life
♪ We got the life
33
00:01:10,026 --> 00:01:11,976
♪ This is the city
♪ Where we party
34
00:01:12,028 --> 00:01:13,248
♪ Every night
♪ Party every night
35
00:01:13,290 --> 00:01:16,820
♪ You and me
♪ Down and to go
36
00:01:16,859 --> 00:01:19,209
♪ Welcome to Hollywood
♪ Welcome to Hollywood
37
00:01:19,253 --> 00:01:23,213
♪ Welcome to Hollywood ♪
38
00:01:23,257 --> 00:01:24,387
- Yeah hit him,
come on hit him.
39
00:01:24,432 --> 00:01:25,262
Get him!
40
00:01:25,302 --> 00:01:28,262
Get him.
- [yelling]
41
00:01:28,305 --> 00:01:30,955
- No, man, not the monkey claw.
You pulled the monkey claw.
42
00:01:31,003 --> 00:01:32,353
- Jumped on you like a
spider monkey [bleep].
43
00:01:32,396 --> 00:01:33,216
Jump on your back.
44
00:01:33,267 --> 00:01:34,957
- Yeah and I'm gonna
spank the monkey.
45
00:01:35,007 --> 00:01:35,967
- What's this?
46
00:01:36,008 --> 00:01:37,228
[blows]
- [yells]
47
00:01:37,271 --> 00:01:39,361
- Yeah, yeah, patches, you
come to my house, you get
48
00:01:39,403 --> 00:01:41,143
banged on, cuz.
49
00:01:41,188 --> 00:01:42,928
Banged on him.
50
00:01:42,972 --> 00:01:44,412
- What you having a
seizure or something?
51
00:01:44,452 --> 00:01:45,842
- No, man why the hell you
bring him here, Arsenio?
52
00:01:45,888 --> 00:01:47,318
- Bring me here?
- Yeah.
53
00:01:47,368 --> 00:01:48,888
- If I'd have known it was
your game, I'd have never come
54
00:01:48,934 --> 00:01:50,854
here without my gun.
55
00:01:50,893 --> 00:01:52,203
- Without your gun?
- CRAIG: Yeah without my gun.
56
00:01:52,242 --> 00:01:53,372
- Without your gun?
- Yeah, you heard me.
57
00:01:53,417 --> 00:01:54,717
- Kevin I am sorry.
58
00:01:54,766 --> 00:01:56,246
Craig's my dawg but I had no
idea you all had beef.
59
00:01:56,290 --> 00:01:58,250
I knew damn well them
two had beef.
60
00:01:58,292 --> 00:02:00,692
Them bitches been battling
since back in the day, when
61
00:02:00,729 --> 00:02:05,339
Kevin tried to replace Craig
as Seth Rogen's TBF.
62
00:02:05,386 --> 00:02:06,906
Token black friend.
63
00:02:06,952 --> 00:02:11,222
I figured just the sight of
Craig would ruin Kevin's streak.
64
00:02:11,261 --> 00:02:13,221
I haven't come up with a plan
that smooth since I got Aubrey
65
00:02:13,263 --> 00:02:15,403
O'day fired from "Celebrity
Apprentice."
66
00:02:15,439 --> 00:02:17,009
Woof, woof, woof, [bleep].
67
00:02:17,049 --> 00:02:18,659
[laughs]
68
00:02:18,703 --> 00:02:20,053
- Man get your ass out
of my penthouse.
69
00:02:20,096 --> 00:02:22,136
- Oh, oh I gotta leave this
bull[bleep] ass crib.
70
00:02:22,185 --> 00:02:24,615
- Bull[bleep], you better
look at my floors, Craig.
71
00:02:24,666 --> 00:02:25,926
- I'll give you some
on the floors, but the rest
72
00:02:25,971 --> 00:02:26,931
is bull[bleep].
73
00:02:26,972 --> 00:02:28,022
- All I care about
is the floors.
74
00:02:28,060 --> 00:02:29,280
That's why I spent the money.
75
00:02:29,323 --> 00:02:30,243
- Well,
congratu-mother[bleep]-lations.
76
00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:32,060
- Thank you!
- Peace, y'all.
77
00:02:32,108 --> 00:02:33,978
Hey good seeing y'all, good
seeing y'all.
78
00:02:34,023 --> 00:02:36,033
- Craig.
- What?
79
00:02:36,068 --> 00:02:38,938
- Thank you for acknowledging
the floors first of all.
80
00:02:38,984 --> 00:02:40,074
- They're nice.
81
00:02:40,116 --> 00:02:42,946
- Second of all, I need five,
man, okay?
82
00:02:42,988 --> 00:02:44,118
I'm on a hot streak so-
83
00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:45,644
- Man you can't pay
me to stay here.
84
00:02:45,687 --> 00:02:47,037
- Oh there's not enough
white people?
85
00:02:47,079 --> 00:02:48,989
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, you
said you're on a streak?
86
00:02:49,038 --> 00:02:52,298
- I'm on a hot streak,
six weeks in a row.
87
00:02:52,346 --> 00:02:54,996
♪
88
00:02:55,044 --> 00:02:57,484
- I love [bleep] up streaks.
It's gonna be fun.
89
00:02:57,525 --> 00:03:00,085
Like that time I took your
girl, you remember that, don't
90
00:03:00,136 --> 00:03:01,136
you?
91
00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:05,791
- ♪
- Yeah so, you know, any
92
00:03:05,837 --> 00:03:09,227
way I like to take little
tours, just come out here kinda
93
00:03:09,276 --> 00:03:10,226
relaxing myself.
94
00:03:10,277 --> 00:03:11,367
I wanted you to see it.
95
00:03:11,408 --> 00:03:13,058
- CRAIG: What up, Kev?
96
00:03:13,105 --> 00:03:14,455
- Oh God.
97
00:03:14,498 --> 00:03:16,368
Craig.
98
00:03:16,413 --> 00:03:18,023
- Who's your friend?
99
00:03:18,067 --> 00:03:20,287
- It's my friend, I don't know
why you need to know.
100
00:03:20,330 --> 00:03:22,330
You know, Craig, I'm not even
gonna be that way with you.
101
00:03:22,376 --> 00:03:24,286
Keri that's Craig; Craig, Keri.
102
00:03:24,334 --> 00:03:26,034
- You don't even have to talk
to HIM, baby, I already know
103
00:03:26,075 --> 00:03:28,025
you probably turned off
by the sight of him.
104
00:03:28,077 --> 00:03:30,947
You don't have-hey.
105
00:03:30,993 --> 00:03:35,083
Uh, what the [bleep]
is going on here?
106
00:03:35,127 --> 00:03:36,297
Hey!
107
00:03:36,346 --> 00:03:37,256
Hey what the [bleep]?
108
00:03:37,304 --> 00:03:40,314
Hey, hey, hey.
109
00:03:40,350 --> 00:03:43,050
Craig.
110
00:03:43,092 --> 00:03:45,142
You know, Craig, I don't know
why you think I liked this
111
00:03:45,181 --> 00:03:46,401
girl, man.
112
00:03:46,443 --> 00:03:47,533
- Oh you liked her.
- KEVIN: I don't like her.
113
00:03:47,575 --> 00:03:49,005
- Okay.
114
00:03:49,054 --> 00:03:50,324
- Look, look, look, look,
guys, come on, man, stop with
115
00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:51,800
all of this.
116
00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:54,060
You guys are the only black
brothas in the game working
117
00:03:54,103 --> 00:03:55,373
right now.
118
00:03:55,409 --> 00:03:58,059
You even did a pilot together,
bury the hatchet.
119
00:03:58,107 --> 00:03:59,407
- Yeah what happened on that
pilot?
120
00:03:59,456 --> 00:04:01,276
- Ask him.
- Ask him.
121
00:04:01,328 --> 00:04:03,368
- KEVIN: No, ask you.
- Ask you.
122
00:04:03,417 --> 00:04:05,157
Regale us about the
story about what happened to
123
00:04:05,201 --> 00:04:06,511
the pilot.
124
00:04:06,550 --> 00:04:08,070
- Do me a favor and can you
please con-contraband
125
00:04:08,117 --> 00:04:10,287
the, the story of
what Craig did?
126
00:04:10,337 --> 00:04:12,557
- I will tell you what
happened to the pilot, okay?
127
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:14,470
Kevin killed it.
128
00:04:14,515 --> 00:04:17,075
- You are a liar, liar.
129
00:04:17,126 --> 00:04:18,126
- So tell us what happened.
130
00:04:18,170 --> 00:04:20,170
- Liar, watch this, liar.
131
00:04:20,216 --> 00:04:21,566
- What am I watching?
132
00:04:21,609 --> 00:04:23,349
- The lightning bolt that just
hit you for lying.
133
00:04:23,393 --> 00:04:25,533
- [laughs]
- I gave my everything on that
134
00:04:25,569 --> 00:04:29,829
pilot, all you gave was your
limited talent.
135
00:04:29,878 --> 00:04:32,228
I don't know why the hell you
got me on the set of this
136
00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:33,492
bull[bleep] TV show.
137
00:04:33,534 --> 00:04:34,844
You know where I need to be?
138
00:04:34,883 --> 00:04:36,363
I need to be on the set of my
new superhero movie,
139
00:04:36,406 --> 00:04:37,406
"Thunderbird."
140
00:04:37,451 --> 00:04:38,801
- I know, I'm working on that.
141
00:04:38,843 --> 00:04:40,933
But this is not a bull[bleep]
show, it's your show.
142
00:04:40,976 --> 00:04:43,756
You sold the show to the
network, for which they paid
143
00:04:43,805 --> 00:04:46,235
you a ton of money, most of
which you [bleep]
144
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:47,366
still owe me.
145
00:04:47,417 --> 00:04:49,067
- I don't want to talk about
it no more.
146
00:04:49,114 --> 00:04:50,644
- TRINA: If you gave me some,
I wouldn't have to bring it up.
147
00:04:50,681 --> 00:04:51,511
- Here's what I'm gonna do, I
will pretend to like this
148
00:04:51,552 --> 00:04:52,862
garbage until we leave.
149
00:04:52,901 --> 00:04:54,121
And when we do leave,
I want you to do what you're
150
00:04:54,163 --> 00:04:55,473
supposed to and get on the
phone-
151
00:04:55,512 --> 00:04:56,472
- Get on the phone, I'm on it.
152
00:04:56,513 --> 00:04:57,473
- -and get me "Thunderbird."
153
00:04:57,514 --> 00:04:58,434
- I'm working on that.
- Trina.
154
00:04:58,472 --> 00:05:00,172
- TRINA: Hi.
- Always a pleasure.
155
00:05:00,212 --> 00:05:02,172
- Yes, good to see you.
This is the man.
156
00:05:02,214 --> 00:05:03,264
- Kevin.
157
00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:05,443
I'm Rudolph Tolk, executive
producer.
158
00:05:05,479 --> 00:05:09,439
And, uh, these cool guys behind
me are the writing staff.
159
00:05:09,483 --> 00:05:10,443
- Yo, what's up?
160
00:05:10,484 --> 00:05:12,144
- What's happening?
161
00:05:12,181 --> 00:05:13,791
- Question for you, Rudy.
162
00:05:13,835 --> 00:05:17,055
How many, uh, how many black
shows have you and your
163
00:05:17,099 --> 00:05:18,579
reindeers done?
164
00:05:18,622 --> 00:05:20,492
- I'm sure they've done plenty.
- I'm not talking to you.
165
00:05:20,537 --> 00:05:23,147
- Uh, including this one, one.
- You've got to be kidding me.
166
00:05:23,192 --> 00:05:25,372
- Look I, I know where you're
going with this, Kev.
167
00:05:25,412 --> 00:05:30,202
But rest assured we have all
had the black experience.
168
00:05:30,242 --> 00:05:33,122
We have all lost a girlfriend
to a black guy.
169
00:05:33,158 --> 00:05:36,248
[laughs]
Even her.
170
00:05:36,292 --> 00:05:39,472
[laughs]
- [mock laughter]
171
00:05:39,513 --> 00:05:42,213
- I believe you know
our other E.P.
172
00:05:42,254 --> 00:05:44,264
- Oh ho.
Oh this is ugly.
173
00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:46,170
- KEVIN: Oh you got
to be [bleep] me.
174
00:05:46,215 --> 00:05:48,345
Bridgette, what are you
doing here?
175
00:05:48,391 --> 00:05:50,611
- I'm running things because
I'm your ex-wife and the mother
176
00:05:50,654 --> 00:05:53,094
of your children, that makes
this story just as much mine
177
00:05:53,135 --> 00:05:54,085
as yours.
178
00:05:54,136 --> 00:05:55,086
Blip.
179
00:05:55,137 --> 00:05:56,177
- Bridgette.
180
00:05:56,225 --> 00:05:58,135
- And you know this guy.
181
00:05:58,183 --> 00:05:59,493
- Fire cracker.
182
00:05:59,533 --> 00:06:02,583
- [laughs]
- What's up, baby?
183
00:06:02,623 --> 00:06:04,543
- Oh Duane.
184
00:06:04,581 --> 00:06:06,631
You're delivering packages now?
185
00:06:06,670 --> 00:06:08,320
- No, no, no, Kev,
I'm in the cast.
186
00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:09,758
- You're in the what?
187
00:06:09,804 --> 00:06:10,544
- I play the charismatic best
friend that handsomes up
188
00:06:10,587 --> 00:06:12,547
the show.
- Yes.
189
00:06:12,589 --> 00:06:14,289
- And look, trust me, you
are gonna need it.
190
00:06:14,330 --> 00:06:17,590
- And the star of our show,
playing you, of course is the
191
00:06:17,638 --> 00:06:21,248
one and only Craig Robinson.
192
00:06:21,293 --> 00:06:23,513
- [applause]
193
00:06:23,557 --> 00:06:25,247
- BRIDGETTE: Yeah, now that's a
handsome Kevin right there.
194
00:06:25,297 --> 00:06:27,387
- You let me walk
into this [bleep]?
195
00:06:27,430 --> 00:06:30,610
- Kev, boy you know you ain't
never looked this good.
196
00:06:30,651 --> 00:06:32,571
- BRIDGETTE: That's right.
- Wow.
197
00:06:32,609 --> 00:06:34,179
Looks like somebody left the
office and went straight to
198
00:06:34,219 --> 00:06:35,529
the kitchen.
199
00:06:35,569 --> 00:06:37,479
- That's it.
- BRIDGETTE: Get him, Craig.
200
00:06:37,527 --> 00:06:38,487
Kick his ass.
201
00:06:42,489 --> 00:06:44,139
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's
enough throwing chips.
202
00:06:44,186 --> 00:06:45,446
- Craig, Craig, Craig, let me
ask you a question, if you hate
203
00:06:45,492 --> 00:06:48,672
Kevin so much,
why'd you take the job?
204
00:06:48,712 --> 00:06:51,722
- The chance to destroy Kevin
Hart and expose him for the
205
00:06:51,759 --> 00:06:54,539
buffoon he truly is.
206
00:06:54,588 --> 00:06:56,628
They made me an offer I
couldn't refuse.
207
00:06:56,677 --> 00:06:58,507
- I want to know
who got me fired.
208
00:06:58,548 --> 00:07:01,458
- He did.
- He did.
209
00:07:01,508 --> 00:07:03,598
- Why in the hell can't
I fire Craig?
210
00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:05,560
- Uh, because he has a
guaranteed contract.
211
00:07:05,599 --> 00:07:07,339
- When did they start
doing those?
212
00:07:07,383 --> 00:07:08,563
Why don't I have a
guaranteed contract?
213
00:07:08,602 --> 00:07:10,692
- It's very hard to get you a
guaranteed contract, Kevin,
214
00:07:10,734 --> 00:07:12,484
because you're not exactly
easy to work with.
215
00:07:12,519 --> 00:07:14,169
- KEVIN: Are you kidding me?
216
00:07:14,216 --> 00:07:15,256
You know what, if you can't get
me a guaranteed contract, then
217
00:07:15,304 --> 00:07:16,704
maybe I need to find
somebody who can.
218
00:07:16,740 --> 00:07:19,480
Maybe I need to go talk to
Craig's lawyer, hmm?
219
00:07:19,526 --> 00:07:21,746
- Well you're talking to her.
220
00:07:21,789 --> 00:07:23,699
- Your Craig's lawyer?
- TRINA: Yep.
221
00:07:23,747 --> 00:07:26,617
- Why are you such a,
a work slut?
222
00:07:26,663 --> 00:07:28,493
You gotta represent everybody?
223
00:07:28,535 --> 00:07:29,615
- Did you call me a slut?
224
00:07:29,666 --> 00:07:31,356
- No I called you a work slut.
225
00:07:31,407 --> 00:07:33,237
- I don't care, when you say
slut, I think slut.
226
00:07:33,278 --> 00:07:35,798
How does work slut-
- Fine, fine.
227
00:07:35,846 --> 00:07:38,546
If I can't fire Craig, then
tell me who I can fire.
228
00:07:38,588 --> 00:07:41,238
- Do you want me to move the
plant for you cause-
229
00:07:41,286 --> 00:07:43,766
- Why did you put a [bleep]
tree on your desk any way?
230
00:07:43,811 --> 00:07:45,861
- It's an orchid, it was
delivered to me, it was a gift.
231
00:07:45,900 --> 00:07:47,600
- A gift from who?
232
00:07:47,641 --> 00:07:49,901
- Craig.
233
00:07:49,947 --> 00:07:53,427
Don't you-these are-
234
00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:54,653
- I can see you now,
I can see you now.
235
00:07:54,691 --> 00:07:56,651
- Stop it, get your hands off
of the plant.
236
00:07:56,693 --> 00:07:58,613
- Fine.
237
00:07:58,652 --> 00:08:00,922
I just need to know what it is
that I can do, okay?
238
00:08:00,958 --> 00:08:06,698
- You can fire
anybody except Craig.
239
00:08:06,747 --> 00:08:09,617
- Look, one monkey don't
stop no show.
240
00:08:09,663 --> 00:08:11,623
Now since I couldn't re-cast
Craig, I decided to get in
241
00:08:11,665 --> 00:08:13,615
there and mix it up myself.
242
00:08:13,667 --> 00:08:15,627
But that meant that somebody
was gonna get fired from yet
243
00:08:15,669 --> 00:08:17,669
another job.
244
00:08:17,714 --> 00:08:20,944
Y'all know who
I'm talking about.
245
00:08:20,978 --> 00:08:23,458
- DUANE: Lying
piece of [bleep].
246
00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:25,553
- It ain't worth it, it
ain't worth it.
247
00:08:25,592 --> 00:08:27,162
Come on, D.
248
00:08:27,202 --> 00:08:28,772
- Okay listen, man, like I was
trying to tell you, I did it
249
00:08:28,812 --> 00:08:30,732
because I had to.
250
00:08:30,771 --> 00:08:31,951
I was trying to save the show.
251
00:08:31,989 --> 00:08:34,599
Flat out, Duane.
252
00:08:34,644 --> 00:08:37,694
Come on.
253
00:08:37,734 --> 00:08:39,824
- GERRY: All right, Craig,
just keep it funny.
254
00:08:39,867 --> 00:08:41,517
And, uh, oh what was that thing
you did with your hand?
255
00:08:41,564 --> 00:08:42,614
I love that.
256
00:08:42,652 --> 00:08:43,612
Um, what was that called?
257
00:08:43,653 --> 00:08:45,313
- Dap.
- Dap.
258
00:08:45,350 --> 00:08:46,610
[laughs]
That's great, yeah just dap
259
00:08:46,656 --> 00:08:47,606
your little heart out.
260
00:08:47,657 --> 00:08:48,617
- Okay.
261
00:08:48,658 --> 00:08:49,878
- All right cool.
262
00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:52,580
[laughs]
Kevin, I'm Gerry.
263
00:08:52,619 --> 00:08:53,919
- Hey.
- Your director.
264
00:08:53,968 --> 00:08:54,968
- What's up, man?
- How's it going?
265
00:08:55,012 --> 00:08:57,802
I'm good, I'm good, we're all
good.
266
00:08:57,841 --> 00:09:00,581
Uh, Rudolph here was telling me
you had some concerns about
267
00:09:00,627 --> 00:09:03,627
portraying the authentic
black experience.
268
00:09:03,673 --> 00:09:05,633
- Really, Rudolph?
269
00:09:05,675 --> 00:09:07,975
- I just want you to know,
I've been directing one of the
270
00:09:08,025 --> 00:09:11,725
longest running black series in
the history of TV.
271
00:09:11,768 --> 00:09:12,988
- Okay now that makes me feel
a lot more comfortable.
272
00:09:13,030 --> 00:09:14,680
- GERRY: Good, good.
- That's what I was asking him.
273
00:09:14,728 --> 00:09:16,288
- Yeah.
274
00:09:16,338 --> 00:09:17,638
- If you don't mind me asking,
what show are you directing?
275
00:09:17,687 --> 00:09:19,687
- "Cops."
So, uh, just be you.
276
00:09:19,733 --> 00:09:21,743
Whatever that is.
277
00:09:21,778 --> 00:09:22,818
A'ight?
278
00:09:22,866 --> 00:09:24,646
[laughs]
Cool.
279
00:09:24,694 --> 00:09:26,744
Let's do this [bleep].
280
00:09:26,783 --> 00:09:28,703
- Hey, Mr. delivery guy.
281
00:09:28,742 --> 00:09:29,872
Let's do some curls.
282
00:09:29,917 --> 00:09:32,617
Duh.
283
00:09:32,659 --> 00:09:33,749
- Don't even talk
like that, Craig.
284
00:09:33,790 --> 00:09:35,360
Duh.
285
00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:36,710
Okay how about I show you how
it's really done?
286
00:09:36,750 --> 00:09:38,620
Not so funny, Kevin.
287
00:09:38,665 --> 00:09:39,745
All right.
288
00:09:39,796 --> 00:09:42,626
Do some curls and
I'm gonna curl it.
289
00:09:42,669 --> 00:09:44,629
Here we go.
290
00:09:44,671 --> 00:09:46,501
Ah!
291
00:09:46,542 --> 00:09:50,892
Is this, uh, [bleep]
damn, hold on now.
292
00:09:50,938 --> 00:09:53,588
Oh God, what is this,
a prop curl bar?
293
00:09:53,636 --> 00:09:56,806
Is this-
[groans]
294
00:09:56,857 --> 00:09:58,597
There we go.
295
00:09:58,641 --> 00:10:02,651
Mm-hmm.
296
00:10:02,689 --> 00:10:05,649
[exhales heavily]
[screams]
297
00:10:05,692 --> 00:10:06,652
- Cut.
298
00:10:06,693 --> 00:10:08,003
[laughs]
299
00:10:08,042 --> 00:10:09,612
- Craig, man, that was awesome.
300
00:10:09,652 --> 00:10:10,612
- What?
301
00:10:10,653 --> 00:10:11,833
Wait a minute.
302
00:10:11,872 --> 00:10:13,962
- Okay, guys, that's
a wrap, folks.
303
00:10:14,004 --> 00:10:15,754
- Wait a minute.
304
00:10:15,789 --> 00:10:16,829
Hold on, don't anybody notice
what the hell is going on
305
00:10:16,877 --> 00:10:18,707
around here?
306
00:10:18,748 --> 00:10:19,708
- I noticed what's going on
around here, you're trying to
307
00:10:19,749 --> 00:10:20,879
be the only one on the show.
308
00:10:20,924 --> 00:10:23,414
But I wanna play Craig's
girlfriend, Kevin.
309
00:10:23,448 --> 00:10:25,628
- Bridgette if you don't get
the hell off my hand-
310
00:10:25,668 --> 00:10:27,058
- Oh.
311
00:10:27,104 --> 00:10:28,724
- Okay now first of all, you
are not gonna play Craig's
312
00:10:28,758 --> 00:10:30,058
girlfriend because you are a
horrible actress.
313
00:10:30,107 --> 00:10:32,627
Second of all, Craig sucks.
314
00:10:32,675 --> 00:10:34,935
- And you suck at
weightlifting, Kevin.
315
00:10:34,982 --> 00:10:36,772
- What?
- With your little arms.
316
00:10:36,810 --> 00:10:38,680
- Bridgette I swear if I
didn't have an extended elbow
317
00:10:38,725 --> 00:10:39,935
right now, I'd knock your
[bleep]damn head off.
318
00:10:39,987 --> 00:10:41,897
- BRIDGETTE: Try it.
- You know what?
319
00:10:41,945 --> 00:10:44,685
I think me and Angela Basset
Hound just solved my problem.
320
00:10:44,731 --> 00:10:46,651
She should play Craig's
girlfriend.
321
00:10:46,689 --> 00:10:48,389
Why?
322
00:10:48,430 --> 00:10:50,690
Because if she's half bad of an
actress as she was a wife, this
323
00:10:50,737 --> 00:10:52,387
pilot is doomed.
324
00:10:57,787 --> 00:10:59,787
- That's why I brought
my man Craig.
325
00:10:59,833 --> 00:11:01,273
He is your kryptonite, brotha.
326
00:11:01,312 --> 00:11:04,622
- You're obviously right,
cause all I have is two pair.
327
00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:06,884
Oh, of Tens.
328
00:11:06,927 --> 00:11:08,447
Yeah.
329
00:11:08,493 --> 00:11:10,933
Boom.
330
00:11:10,974 --> 00:11:11,894
- Hey, you know what?
331
00:11:11,932 --> 00:11:12,892
It's all good.
332
00:11:12,933 --> 00:11:15,413
Lucky in cards, but unlucky in
sitcoms, right?
333
00:11:15,457 --> 00:11:18,587
- It wasn't my show, Craig was
the star of that show, okay?
334
00:11:18,634 --> 00:11:20,554
I even cast Bridgette in it to
make him look better.
335
00:11:20,592 --> 00:11:21,592
Which was tough.
336
00:11:21,637 --> 00:11:24,807
♪
337
00:11:24,858 --> 00:11:25,818
- KEVIN: It was the final day
of rehearsals and everybody
338
00:11:25,859 --> 00:11:29,249
was there, including H.W.G.I.C.
339
00:11:29,297 --> 00:11:31,687
That's the head white guy in
charge.
340
00:11:31,734 --> 00:11:37,224
- BRIDGETTE: But, Kev-iiiinnnn.
341
00:11:37,261 --> 00:11:40,741
I wanted to go to the
poker game with you.
342
00:11:40,787 --> 00:11:44,007
- Jericho, I told
you it's all guys.
343
00:11:44,051 --> 00:11:48,011
You can't come play
poker with us, duh.
344
00:11:48,055 --> 00:11:49,745
- I swear if he says duh one
more time, I'm gonna smack the
345
00:11:49,796 --> 00:11:51,926
duh [bleep] out of him.
346
00:11:51,972 --> 00:11:53,892
- Can I at least have your
credit card, so I can
347
00:11:53,930 --> 00:11:54,890
go shopping?
348
00:11:54,931 --> 00:11:57,501
- KEVIN: Did you put your
hands on his chest?
349
00:11:57,542 --> 00:12:01,762
[laughs]
- Hey, uh, Kevin.
350
00:12:01,808 --> 00:12:03,028
- Hey, what's up?
351
00:12:03,070 --> 00:12:05,940
- Hey, uh,
Bridgette's horrible.
352
00:12:05,986 --> 00:12:09,546
Um, the H.W.G.I.C.
doesn't look happy.
353
00:12:09,598 --> 00:12:11,688
- Look, man, stay positive,
Stroganoff.
354
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:12,641
Things will get better, man.
355
00:12:12,688 --> 00:12:13,908
For me.
356
00:12:13,950 --> 00:12:16,650
Hey the more she keeps talking,
the worse she's gonna get.
357
00:12:16,692 --> 00:12:19,872
- [laughs]
For a minute there I was really
358
00:12:19,913 --> 00:12:21,703
worried, but that last scene
between Craig and Bridgette
359
00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:22,701
was hilarious.
360
00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:24,572
- And it was super sexy too.
361
00:12:24,613 --> 00:12:26,753
Looks like we found our black
sitcom.
362
00:12:26,789 --> 00:12:29,709
- Well not so fast, what about
our other diversity show,
363
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:30,709
"Almost Black"?
364
00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:31,880
- Oh yeah.
365
00:12:31,925 --> 00:12:33,875
- A black family with no
cultural identity.
366
00:12:33,927 --> 00:12:37,927
[laughs]
Funniest thing I've ever seen.
367
00:12:37,974 --> 00:12:40,724
- Why don't we pick them both
up and do a one-hour
368
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:43,890
black comedy block?
369
00:12:43,937 --> 00:12:45,977
- MAN: You're [bleep]
fired, get him out of here.
370
00:12:46,026 --> 00:12:47,236
- Such an idiot.
371
00:12:47,288 --> 00:12:49,728
- No way we put two black
comedies on the air,
372
00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:50,899
so test them.
373
00:12:50,944 --> 00:12:52,294
Whichever scores higher
we put on the air.
374
00:12:52,336 --> 00:12:53,076
- Okay, you're great, so great.
375
00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:54,900
- MAN: Go!
376
00:12:54,948 --> 00:12:59,648
- [farts]
- [toilet flushes]
377
00:12:59,691 --> 00:13:02,961
- Smells like death in here.
378
00:13:02,999 --> 00:13:04,699
- Damn.
379
00:13:04,740 --> 00:13:06,790
[laughs]
380
00:13:06,829 --> 00:13:09,009
I don't know what to tell y'all,
man, it just won't stop.
381
00:13:09,049 --> 00:13:11,699
God it's like I can't lose.
382
00:13:11,747 --> 00:13:13,267
I feel bad.
383
00:13:13,314 --> 00:13:15,714
I'm gonna give my friends a
chance to win their money back.
384
00:13:15,751 --> 00:13:17,881
Four hundred thousand I got in
the middle of the pot.
385
00:13:17,927 --> 00:13:18,967
I'm gonna bet it blind.
386
00:13:19,015 --> 00:13:20,575
- Yo I'm tired of losing, man.
387
00:13:20,625 --> 00:13:22,845
First I lost my talk show, now
I'm losing all my weed money.
388
00:13:22,889 --> 00:13:23,929
I'm finished.
389
00:13:23,977 --> 00:13:25,587
- KEVIN: Duane, what about you?
390
00:13:25,630 --> 00:13:26,980
- Tisha ain't working.
391
00:13:27,023 --> 00:13:28,983
- What about
you, Craig, you in?
392
00:13:29,025 --> 00:13:29,935
- I'm out.
393
00:13:29,983 --> 00:13:31,903
- Don't tell me you spent all
your money on
394
00:13:31,941 --> 00:13:32,991
hair care products?
395
00:13:33,029 --> 00:13:34,029
That's right, Craig, I know.
396
00:13:34,074 --> 00:13:36,514
Don't no afro stay
that still for free.
397
00:13:36,554 --> 00:13:38,824
You've got the same thing that
Isaac from "The Love Boat" got.
398
00:13:38,861 --> 00:13:39,991
Either that, or that's a helmet.
399
00:13:40,036 --> 00:13:45,036
[laughs]
- Somebody's calling.
400
00:13:45,085 --> 00:13:49,995
Oh yeah, I see your little
$400,000 and raise you $700,000.
401
00:13:50,046 --> 00:13:52,346
- CRAIG: Woo hoo, hoo, hoo.
402
00:13:52,396 --> 00:13:55,966
- One-point-one
million dollars.
403
00:13:56,009 --> 00:13:58,099
- Uh, I'm looking at a rubix
Cuban, Nick.
404
00:13:58,141 --> 00:13:59,321
- NICK: Diamonds.
405
00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:00,710
- That's diamonds, Nick?
- Diamonds, [bleep].
406
00:14:00,752 --> 00:14:02,752
- You must think I'm
booboo the fool.
407
00:14:02,798 --> 00:14:04,838
I'll show you diamonds.
I know how to deal with you.
408
00:14:04,887 --> 00:14:06,667
Nick if this is diamonds, you
ain't got nothing
409
00:14:06,715 --> 00:14:07,665
to worry about.
410
00:14:07,716 --> 00:14:08,666
Huh!
411
00:14:08,717 --> 00:14:09,977
- [scratching]
412
00:14:10,023 --> 00:14:11,723
- KEVIN: Diamonds cut glass,
don't they, Nick?
413
00:14:11,763 --> 00:14:12,943
- CRAIG: Dude you watch
too many cartoons.
414
00:14:12,982 --> 00:14:15,162
- KEVIN: No, just
like I thought.
415
00:14:15,202 --> 00:14:19,122
It's fake, just like
your damn hair.
416
00:14:19,162 --> 00:14:20,992
All right.
417
00:14:21,034 --> 00:14:24,044
- [glass shatters]
- [laughs]
418
00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:27,000
- CRAIG: Holy-
- NICK: Huh?
419
00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:28,390
- Put up or shut up.
420
00:14:32,610 --> 00:14:34,440
- Nick you think you're the
only one with useless
421
00:14:34,482 --> 00:14:35,572
expensive [bleep]?
422
00:14:35,613 --> 00:14:36,573
Huh?
423
00:14:36,614 --> 00:14:38,924
I will see your million, okay?
424
00:14:38,965 --> 00:14:41,485
- I see some solid
gold pee stains.
425
00:14:41,532 --> 00:14:43,402
- Really so you [bleep]
on solid gold?
426
00:14:43,447 --> 00:14:45,617
- And I wipe my ass with
two-ply Benjamins.
427
00:14:45,667 --> 00:14:46,887
Let's go, Nick.
428
00:14:46,929 --> 00:14:50,499
- Same way you wiped your ass
with our show?
429
00:14:50,541 --> 00:14:54,761
- Not in online stores.
430
00:14:54,806 --> 00:14:56,626
- They are now.
431
00:14:56,678 --> 00:14:58,508
Duh.
432
00:14:58,549 --> 00:14:59,939
- [audience applauds]
433
00:14:59,986 --> 00:15:01,546
- WOMAN: ♪ Strong Like Glue ♪
434
00:15:01,596 --> 00:15:03,946
- [laughs]
435
00:15:03,990 --> 00:15:06,730
- MAN2: Lights, please.
436
00:15:06,775 --> 00:15:09,515
What did you guys think
about "Strong Like Glue"?
437
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:12,350
- It was funny and
really well produced.
438
00:15:12,389 --> 00:15:14,829
- And, you know, it's good to
finally just see a black show
439
00:15:14,870 --> 00:15:18,440
without all that shucking and
jiving business, except for the
440
00:15:18,482 --> 00:15:19,482
delivery guy.
441
00:15:19,527 --> 00:15:21,397
They really need
to re-cast him.
442
00:15:21,442 --> 00:15:23,492
- Come on, guys, are you
[bleep] kidding me?
443
00:15:23,531 --> 00:15:25,361
Were we watching the
same program?
444
00:15:25,402 --> 00:15:27,752
Come on, that guy was the
best part of the show.
445
00:15:27,796 --> 00:15:30,316
The absolute best part of
the show, hands down.
446
00:15:30,364 --> 00:15:32,194
Maybe it's just me, I kind of
felt like the show was a
447
00:15:32,235 --> 00:15:35,885
little, I don't know, racist.
448
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:41,765
- Uh, sir, the show's about an
African American father who
449
00:15:41,810 --> 00:15:45,640
works, takes care of
his children.
450
00:15:45,683 --> 00:15:47,603
What exactly do you find
racist about that?
451
00:15:47,642 --> 00:15:49,382
- You guys want me to
spell it out for you?
452
00:15:49,426 --> 00:15:50,986
I have no problem with speaking
my mind here, so if that's-
453
00:15:51,037 --> 00:15:52,857
- Please do, that's
what we're here for.
454
00:15:52,908 --> 00:15:56,998
- Fine, black dumbbells.
455
00:15:57,043 --> 00:15:58,263
- What is, what is that?
456
00:15:58,305 --> 00:16:00,385
- Black dumbbells, come on,
it's right there.
457
00:16:00,437 --> 00:16:02,527
Are we insinuating that the
blacks are dumb?
458
00:16:02,570 --> 00:16:03,960
- MAN2: That's ridiculous.
459
00:16:04,006 --> 00:16:05,966
- Listen, I want every one of
you to understand this.
460
00:16:06,008 --> 00:16:06,698
My wife works out every day.
461
00:16:06,748 --> 00:16:08,098
You know what?
462
00:16:08,141 --> 00:16:09,971
She has purple dumbbells, she
has white dumbbells.
463
00:16:10,012 --> 00:16:12,582
- Oh my god and the ones they
used were black.
464
00:16:12,623 --> 00:16:14,763
- I think you guys might be
reading into that just
465
00:16:14,799 --> 00:16:16,189
a little bit.
466
00:16:16,236 --> 00:16:18,106
- Lookie here, Sean Hannity,
okay, I'll make a call to
467
00:16:18,151 --> 00:16:19,891
Rachel Manahoe and I'll have
her down here.
468
00:16:19,935 --> 00:16:22,065
- Okay no, you know, actually
it's, it's Maddow.
469
00:16:22,111 --> 00:16:24,421
- Well it don't matter to me.
470
00:16:24,461 --> 00:16:26,461
Okay one call to that lady,
dude, and she'll come down here
471
00:16:26,507 --> 00:16:28,157
with a belt made out of Al
Sharpton's hair and whip your
472
00:16:28,204 --> 00:16:29,514
ass good.
473
00:16:29,553 --> 00:16:31,693
- Oh he's got a point, he has
got a point on that.
474
00:16:31,729 --> 00:16:34,729
- Here's what had me ready to
turn my underwear around
475
00:16:34,776 --> 00:16:36,256
backwards and pee out my butt.
476
00:16:36,299 --> 00:16:39,129
That fake negro Craig Robinson,
what was that?
477
00:16:39,172 --> 00:16:41,222
- Oh, yeah.
- Too much.
478
00:16:41,261 --> 00:16:43,001
- Yes, what was that noise he
kept making?
479
00:16:43,045 --> 00:16:44,735
- Duh.
- WOMAN2: Yes.
480
00:16:44,786 --> 00:16:47,656
- Duh.
481
00:16:47,702 --> 00:16:51,232
Why not have him say dyno-mite?
482
00:16:51,271 --> 00:16:53,141
Or what you talking about,
Willis?
483
00:16:53,186 --> 00:16:55,316
I mean if we're gonna put a
show like this on TV, than why
484
00:16:55,362 --> 00:16:57,062
not bring back "Home Boys
From Outer Space?"
485
00:16:57,103 --> 00:16:59,193
- WOMAN2: Oh yes.
486
00:16:59,235 --> 00:17:01,495
- This is nothing
like that show.
487
00:17:01,542 --> 00:17:05,152
- At least on that show we had
[bleep] in the future, okay?
488
00:17:05,198 --> 00:17:07,978
That, that, that came out wrong.
489
00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:09,897
And, and, and that's not what
we're here for.
490
00:17:09,941 --> 00:17:11,901
We're not here to talk about
people to bring them down,
491
00:17:11,943 --> 00:17:13,903
we're here to focus.
492
00:17:13,945 --> 00:17:15,815
Oh [bleep].
493
00:17:15,860 --> 00:17:18,040
I'm gonna-where's the bathroom?
494
00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:23,350
Cause I got, I got an
angry [bleep] to take.
495
00:17:23,390 --> 00:17:28,260
- I had a friend at the focus
group who saw a short "white"
496
00:17:28,308 --> 00:17:30,828
bastard with black hands.
497
00:17:30,875 --> 00:17:32,225
- That sounds ridiculous.
498
00:17:32,268 --> 00:17:35,968
Who in the hell would dress
up like a white man?
499
00:17:36,011 --> 00:17:37,841
- It was for my album.
500
00:17:37,882 --> 00:17:40,892
- Okay listen, the reason why
they picked up "Almost Black"
501
00:17:40,929 --> 00:17:43,149
is because Michael Rapaport was
a much more convincing black
502
00:17:43,192 --> 00:17:44,722
father than you.
- Nick you want cards?
503
00:17:44,759 --> 00:17:46,719
- I don't know what
you don't get, man.
504
00:17:46,761 --> 00:17:48,551
- You know it's all good, Kev.
505
00:17:48,589 --> 00:17:51,109
Because of you, I got a part in
a new movie.
506
00:17:51,157 --> 00:17:53,067
- Really?
- Yeah, you remember Rudolph?
507
00:17:53,115 --> 00:17:55,025
- The producer?
Yeah he sucks.
508
00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:56,554
- Kevin how many cards?
509
00:17:56,597 --> 00:17:58,727
- He's producing a little
movie, um, y'all are looking at
510
00:17:58,773 --> 00:18:00,303
the new thunder brotha.
511
00:18:00,340 --> 00:18:02,340
- NICK: What?
You got that?
512
00:18:02,385 --> 00:18:04,815
- That's a damn lie, I'm the
new thunder brotha.
513
00:18:04,866 --> 00:18:07,256
- Okay, Kev, five card [bleep]?
- No I don't want five cards.
514
00:18:07,303 --> 00:18:09,913
- [yelling]
515
00:18:09,958 --> 00:18:10,868
- Your cards go on the table,
they gotta stay on the table.
516
00:18:10,915 --> 00:18:12,915
- No.
- Rules.
517
00:18:12,961 --> 00:18:13,961
- KEVIN: I had my cards.
518
00:18:14,005 --> 00:18:15,175
- One, two, three, four, five.
519
00:18:15,224 --> 00:18:16,754
- Fine, fine!
520
00:18:16,791 --> 00:18:18,181
- CRAIG: That's the rules, Kev.
521
00:18:18,227 --> 00:18:19,577
- Mind your business, you're
not even in the hand.
522
00:18:19,620 --> 00:18:20,970
- CRAIG: Hey them the rules.
- You ready?
523
00:18:21,012 --> 00:18:22,582
- KEVIN: Yeah I'm ready.
- Wanna see what I got?
524
00:18:22,623 --> 00:18:25,373
- What you got?
- Bam, a pair of threes.
525
00:18:25,408 --> 00:18:26,368
- Great.
526
00:18:26,409 --> 00:18:28,719
You're about to die slow,
brotha.
527
00:18:28,759 --> 00:18:29,929
[laughs]
528
00:18:29,978 --> 00:18:30,938
- You ain't even gotta turn
your cards over.
529
00:18:30,979 --> 00:18:31,939
- KEVIN: I might as well not.
530
00:18:31,980 --> 00:18:33,980
Uh, Ace is the first card I see.
531
00:18:34,025 --> 00:18:35,845
I'm looking at a Queen next.
532
00:18:35,897 --> 00:18:37,937
There's a King.
533
00:18:37,986 --> 00:18:39,896
The next one is an eight.
534
00:18:39,944 --> 00:18:41,034
- Oh that's disgusting.
535
00:18:41,076 --> 00:18:42,246
- Then there's a four, hold on.
536
00:18:42,295 --> 00:18:44,775
- Looks like you just got
[bleep] on.
537
00:18:44,819 --> 00:18:45,989
- Wait a second.
538
00:18:46,037 --> 00:18:47,167
- NICK: Streak is over.
539
00:18:47,213 --> 00:18:48,303
- The streak is over,
the streak is over,
540
00:18:48,344 --> 00:18:49,304
the streak is over...
541
00:18:49,345 --> 00:18:50,825
- Everybody get, get out.
542
00:18:50,868 --> 00:18:52,088
Get your ass to the hall.
543
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:54,051
Out there, man.
Go!
544
00:18:54,089 --> 00:18:55,309
- CRAIG: Peace.
- KEVIN: Wait a minute.
545
00:18:55,351 --> 00:18:57,921
Hey, you stop.
Stop right there.
546
00:18:57,962 --> 00:19:00,792
Is that the thunder
brotha glove?
547
00:19:00,835 --> 00:19:02,835
- The one and only.
- You're a damn liar.
548
00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:04,750
That's a fake.
549
00:19:04,795 --> 00:19:06,705
- Is it?
- Yeah, it is.
550
00:19:06,754 --> 00:19:08,414
- All I want to do is zoom,
zoom, zoom.
551
00:19:08,451 --> 00:19:10,021
- Whoa!
552
00:19:10,061 --> 00:19:11,981
- ARSENIO: Oh [bleep].
553
00:19:12,020 --> 00:19:14,110
Where's Kevin?
554
00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:18,333
- I don't know.
555
00:19:18,374 --> 00:19:28,914
I just got the part.
556
00:19:28,950 --> 00:19:33,390
♪
40742
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.