Original subtitles

- Where Arsenio and Nelly at?

- I don't know.

- I don't know, you're the one who calls them.

- Doesn't matter, I just want to know where they are.

- What's going on with these stale ass pretzels, Kev?

- I am on a hot streak, Duane.

I have not lost in six weeks which means I am not

changing anything.

I'm not changing the pretzels, I'm not changing the chips, I'm

not changing my drawers, everything's gonna stay

the same.

- Yeah I knew it smelled like [bleep] up in here.

I'm about to change my mind, I'm going home.

- [knock at door] - Who is it?

- ARSENIO: It's Arsen-ioooo-

- What's up with your boy, man?

Why does he have to make everything an event?

Everything has to be grandioso.

- That is a legend at the door.

- Doesn't matter who it is, that's annoying.

- ...ooo Hall.

- Why you making all that noise?

I got neighbors.

- It wasn't me, it was my dawg Craig, you know Craig.

- Who?

Oh I know Craig.

Mother[bleep], get the-get off.

Get-[bleep].

- Are you crazy?

- Don't tap out.

- ♪ This is life ♪ This is the life

♪ We got the life ♪ We got the life

♪ This is the city ♪ Where we party

♪ Every night ♪ Party every night

♪ You and me ♪ Down and to go

♪ Welcome to Hollywood ♪ Welcome to Hollywood

♪ Welcome to Hollywood ♪

- Yeah hit him, come on hit him.

Get him!

Get him. - [yelling]

- No, man, not the monkey claw. You pulled the monkey claw.

- Jumped on you like a spider monkey [bleep].

Jump on your back.

- Yeah and I'm gonna spank the monkey.

- What's this?

[blows] - [yells]

- Yeah, yeah, patches, you come to my house, you get

banged on, cuz.

Banged on him.

- What you having a seizure or something?

- No, man why the hell you bring him here, Arsenio?

- Bring me here? - Yeah.

- If I'd have known it was your game, I'd have never come

here without my gun.

- Without your gun? - CRAIG: Yeah without my gun.

- Without your gun? - Yeah, you heard me.

- Kevin I am sorry.

Craig's my dawg but I had no idea you all had beef.

I knew damn well them two had beef.

Them bitches been battling since back in the day, when

Kevin tried to replace Craig as Seth Rogen's TBF.

Token black friend.

I figured just the sight of Craig would ruin Kevin's streak.

I haven't come up with a plan that smooth since I got Aubrey

O'day fired from "Celebrity Apprentice."

Woof, woof, woof, [bleep].

[laughs]

- Man get your ass out of my penthouse.

- Oh, oh I gotta leave this bull[bleep] ass crib.

- Bull[bleep], you better look at my floors, Craig.

- I'll give you some on the floors, but the rest

is bull[bleep].

- All I care about is the floors.

That's why I spent the money.

- Well, congratu-mother[bleep]-lations.

- Thank you! - Peace, y'all.

Hey good seeing y'all, good seeing y'all.

- Craig. - What?

- Thank you for acknowledging the floors first of all.

- They're nice.

- Second of all, I need five, man, okay?

I'm on a hot streak so-

- Man you can't pay me to stay here.

- Oh there's not enough white people?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, you said you're on a streak?

- I'm on a hot streak, six weeks in a row.

♪

- I love [bleep] up streaks. It's gonna be fun.

Like that time I took your girl, you remember that, don't

you?

- ♪ - Yeah so, you know, any

way I like to take little tours, just come out here kinda

relaxing myself.

I wanted you to see it.

- CRAIG: What up, Kev?

- Oh God.

Craig.

- Who's your friend?

- It's my friend, I don't know why you need to know.

You know, Craig, I'm not even gonna be that way with you.

Keri that's Craig; Craig, Keri.

- You don't even have to talk to HIM, baby, I already know

you probably turned off by the sight of him.

You don't have-hey.

Uh, what the [bleep] is going on here?

Hey!

Hey what the [bleep]?

Hey, hey, hey.

Craig.

You know, Craig, I don't know why you think I liked this

girl, man.

- Oh you liked her. - KEVIN: I don't like her.

- Okay.

- Look, look, look, look, guys, come on, man, stop with

all of this.

You guys are the only black brothas in the game working

right now.

You even did a pilot together, bury the hatchet.

- Yeah what happened on that pilot?

- Ask him. - Ask him.

- KEVIN: No, ask you. - Ask you.

Regale us about the story about what happened to

the pilot.

- Do me a favor and can you please con-contraband

the, the story of what Craig did?

- I will tell you what happened to the pilot, okay?

Kevin killed it.

- You are a liar, liar.

- So tell us what happened.

- Liar, watch this, liar.

- What am I watching?

- The lightning bolt that just hit you for lying.

- [laughs] - I gave my everything on that

pilot, all you gave was your limited talent.

I don't know why the hell you got me on the set of this

bull[bleep] TV show.

You know where I need to be?

I need to be on the set of my new superhero movie,

"Thunderbird."

- I know, I'm working on that.

But this is not a bull[bleep] show, it's your show.

You sold the show to the network, for which they paid

you a ton of money, most of which you [bleep]

still owe me.

- I don't want to talk about it no more.

- TRINA: If you gave me some, I wouldn't have to bring it up.

- Here's what I'm gonna do, I will pretend to like this

garbage until we leave.

And when we do leave, I want you to do what you're

supposed to and get on the phone-

- Get on the phone, I'm on it.

- -and get me "Thunderbird."

- I'm working on that. - Trina.

- TRINA: Hi. - Always a pleasure.

- Yes, good to see you. This is the man.

- Kevin.

I'm Rudolph Tolk, executive producer.

And, uh, these cool guys behind me are the writing staff.

- Yo, what's up?

- What's happening?

- Question for you, Rudy.

How many, uh, how many black shows have you and your

reindeers done?

- I'm sure they've done plenty. - I'm not talking to you.

- Uh, including this one, one. - You've got to be kidding me.

- Look I, I know where you're going with this, Kev.

But rest assured we have all had the black experience.

We have all lost a girlfriend to a black guy.

[laughs] Even her.

[laughs] - [mock laughter]

- I believe you know our other E.P.

- Oh ho. Oh this is ugly.

- KEVIN: Oh you got to be [bleep] me.

Bridgette, what are you doing here?

- I'm running things because I'm your ex-wife and the mother

of your children, that makes this story just as much mine

as yours.

Blip.

- Bridgette.

- And you know this guy.

- Fire cracker.

- [laughs] - What's up, baby?

- Oh Duane.

You're delivering packages now?

- No, no, no, Kev, I'm in the cast.

- You're in the what?

- I play the charismatic best friend that handsomes up

the show. - Yes.

- And look, trust me, you are gonna need it.

- And the star of our show, playing you, of course is the

one and only Craig Robinson.

- [applause]

- BRIDGETTE: Yeah, now that's a handsome Kevin right there.

- You let me walk into this [bleep]?

- Kev, boy you know you ain't never looked this good.

- BRIDGETTE: That's right. - Wow.

Looks like somebody left the office and went straight to

the kitchen.

- That's it. - BRIDGETTE: Get him, Craig.

Kick his ass.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's enough throwing chips.

- Craig, Craig, Craig, let me ask you a question, if you hate

Kevin so much, why'd you take the job?

- The chance to destroy Kevin Hart and expose him for the

buffoon he truly is.

They made me an offer I couldn't refuse.

- I want to know who got me fired.

- He did. - He did.

- Why in the hell can't I fire Craig?

- Uh, because he has a guaranteed contract.

- When did they start doing those?

Why don't I have a guaranteed contract?

- It's very hard to get you a guaranteed contract, Kevin,

because you're not exactly easy to work with.

- KEVIN: Are you kidding me?

You know what, if you can't get me a guaranteed contract, then

maybe I need to find somebody who can.

Maybe I need to go talk to Craig's lawyer, hmm?

- Well you're talking to her.

- Your Craig's lawyer? - TRINA: Yep.

- Why are you such a, a work slut?

You gotta represent everybody?

- Did you call me a slut?

- No I called you a work slut.

- I don't care, when you say slut, I think slut.

How does work slut- - Fine, fine.

If I can't fire Craig, then tell me who I can fire.

- Do you want me to move the plant for you cause-

- Why did you put a [bleep] tree on your desk any way?

- It's an orchid, it was delivered to me, it was a gift.

- A gift from who?

- Craig.

Don't you-these are-

- I can see you now, I can see you now.

- Stop it, get your hands off of the plant.

- Fine.

I just need to know what it is that I can do, okay?

- You can fire anybody except Craig.

- Look, one monkey don't stop no show.

Now since I couldn't re-cast Craig, I decided to get in

there and mix it up myself.

But that meant that somebody was gonna get fired from yet

another job.

Y'all know who I'm talking about.

- DUANE: Lying piece of [bleep].

- It ain't worth it, it ain't worth it.

Come on, D.

- Okay listen, man, like I was trying to tell you, I did it

because I had to.

I was trying to save the show.

Flat out, Duane.

Come on.

- GERRY: All right, Craig, just keep it funny.

And, uh, oh what was that thing you did with your hand?

I love that.

Um, what was that called?

- Dap. - Dap.

[laughs] That's great, yeah just dap

your little heart out.

- Okay.

- All right cool.

[laughs] Kevin, I'm Gerry.

- Hey. - Your director.

- What's up, man? - How's it going?

I'm good, I'm good, we're all good.

Uh, Rudolph here was telling me you had some concerns about

portraying the authentic black experience.

- Really, Rudolph?

- I just want you to know, I've been directing one of the

longest running black series in the history of TV.

- Okay now that makes me feel a lot more comfortable.

- GERRY: Good, good. - That's what I was asking him.

- Yeah.

- If you don't mind me asking, what show are you directing?

- "Cops." So, uh, just be you.

Whatever that is.

A'ight?

[laughs] Cool.

Let's do this [bleep].

- Hey, Mr. delivery guy.

Let's do some curls.

Duh.

- Don't even talk like that, Craig.

Duh.

Okay how about I show you how it's really done?

Not so funny, Kevin.

All right.

Do some curls and I'm gonna curl it.

Here we go.

Ah!

Is this, uh, [bleep] damn, hold on now.

Oh God, what is this, a prop curl bar?

Is this- [groans]

There we go.

Mm-hmm.

[exhales heavily] [screams]

- Cut.

[laughs]

- Craig, man, that was awesome.

- What?

Wait a minute.

- Okay, guys, that's a wrap, folks.

- Wait a minute.

Hold on, don't anybody notice what the hell is going on

around here?

- I noticed what's going on around here, you're trying to

be the only one on the show.

But I wanna play Craig's girlfriend, Kevin.

- Bridgette if you don't get the hell off my hand-

- Oh.

- Okay now first of all, you are not gonna play Craig's

girlfriend because you are a horrible actress.

Second of all, Craig sucks.

- And you suck at weightlifting, Kevin.

- What? - With your little arms.

- Bridgette I swear if I didn't have an extended elbow

right now, I'd knock your [bleep]damn head off.

- BRIDGETTE: Try it. - You know what?

I think me and Angela Basset Hound just solved my problem.

She should play Craig's girlfriend.

Why?

Because if she's half bad of an actress as she was a wife, this

pilot is doomed.

- That's why I brought my man Craig.

He is your kryptonite, brotha.

- You're obviously right, cause all I have is two pair.

Oh, of Tens.

Yeah.

Boom.

- Hey, you know what?

It's all good.

Lucky in cards, but unlucky in sitcoms, right?

- It wasn't my show, Craig was the star of that show, okay?

I even cast Bridgette in it to make him look better.

Which was tough.

♪

- KEVIN: It was the final day of rehearsals and everybody

was there, including H.W.G.I.C.

That's the head white guy in charge.

- BRIDGETTE: But, Kev-iiiinnnn.

I wanted to go to the poker game with you.

- Jericho, I told you it's all guys.

You can't come play poker with us, duh.

- I swear if he says duh one more time, I'm gonna smack the

duh [bleep] out of him.

- Can I at least have your credit card, so I can

go shopping?

- KEVIN: Did you put your hands on his chest?

[laughs] - Hey, uh, Kevin.

- Hey, what's up?

- Hey, uh, Bridgette's horrible.

Um, the H.W.G.I.C. doesn't look happy.

- Look, man, stay positive, Stroganoff.

Things will get better, man.

For me.

Hey the more she keeps talking, the worse she's gonna get.

- [laughs] For a minute there I was really

worried, but that last scene between Craig and Bridgette

was hilarious.

- And it was super sexy too.

Looks like we found our black sitcom.

- Well not so fast, what about our other diversity show,

"Almost Black"?

- Oh yeah.

- A black family with no cultural identity.

[laughs] Funniest thing I've ever seen.

- Why don't we pick them both up and do a one-hour

black comedy block?

- MAN: You're [bleep] fired, get him out of here.

- Such an idiot.

- No way we put two black comedies on the air,

so test them.

Whichever scores higher we put on the air.

- Okay, you're great, so great.

- MAN: Go!

- [farts] - [toilet flushes]

- Smells like death in here.

- Damn.

[laughs]

I don't know what to tell y'all, man, it just won't stop.

God it's like I can't lose.

I feel bad.

I'm gonna give my friends a chance to win their money back.

Four hundred thousand I got in the middle of the pot.

I'm gonna bet it blind.

- Yo I'm tired of losing, man.

First I lost my talk show, now I'm losing all my weed money.

I'm finished.

- KEVIN: Duane, what about you?

- Tisha ain't working.

- What about you, Craig, you in?

- I'm out.

- Don't tell me you spent all your money on

hair care products?

That's right, Craig, I know.

Don't no afro stay that still for free.

You've got the same thing that Isaac from "The Love Boat" got.

Either that, or that's a helmet.

[laughs] - Somebody's calling.

Oh yeah, I see your little $400,000 and raise you $700,000.

- CRAIG: Woo hoo, hoo, hoo.

- One-point-one million dollars.

- Uh, I'm looking at a rubix Cuban, Nick.

- NICK: Diamonds.

- That's diamonds, Nick? - Diamonds, [bleep].

- You must think I'm booboo the fool.

I'll show you diamonds. I know how to deal with you.

Nick if this is diamonds, you ain't got nothing

to worry about.

Huh!

- [scratching]

- KEVIN: Diamonds cut glass, don't they, Nick?

- CRAIG: Dude you watch too many cartoons.

- KEVIN: No, just like I thought.

It's fake, just like your damn hair.

All right.

- [glass shatters] - [laughs]

- CRAIG: Holy- - NICK: Huh?

- Put up or shut up.

- Nick you think you're the only one with useless

expensive [bleep]?

Huh?

I will see your million, okay?

- I see some solid gold pee stains.

- Really so you [bleep] on solid gold?

- And I wipe my ass with two-ply Benjamins.

Let's go, Nick.

- Same way you wiped your ass with our show?

- Not in online stores.

- They are now.

Duh.

- [audience applauds]

- WOMAN: ♪ Strong Like Glue ♪

- [laughs]

- MAN2: Lights, please.

What did you guys think about "Strong Like Glue"?

- It was funny and really well produced.

- And, you know, it's good to finally just see a black show

without all that shucking and jiving business, except for the

delivery guy.

They really need to re-cast him.

- Come on, guys, are you [bleep] kidding me?

Were we watching the same program?

Come on, that guy was the best part of the show.

The absolute best part of the show, hands down.

Maybe it's just me, I kind of felt like the show was a

little, I don't know, racist.

- Uh, sir, the show's about an African American father who

works, takes care of his children.

What exactly do you find racist about that?

- You guys want me to spell it out for you?

I have no problem with speaking my mind here, so if that's-

- Please do, that's what we're here for.

- Fine, black dumbbells.

- What is, what is that?

- Black dumbbells, come on, it's right there.

Are we insinuating that the blacks are dumb?

- MAN2: That's ridiculous.

- Listen, I want every one of you to understand this.

My wife works out every day.

You know what?

She has purple dumbbells, she has white dumbbells.

- Oh my god and the ones they used were black.

- I think you guys might be reading into that just

a little bit.

- Lookie here, Sean Hannity, okay, I'll make a call to

Rachel Manahoe and I'll have her down here.

- Okay no, you know, actually it's, it's Maddow.

- Well it don't matter to me.

Okay one call to that lady, dude, and she'll come down here

with a belt made out of Al Sharpton's hair and whip your

ass good.

- Oh he's got a point, he has got a point on that.

- Here's what had me ready to turn my underwear around

backwards and pee out my butt.

That fake negro Craig Robinson, what was that?

- Oh, yeah. - Too much.

- Yes, what was that noise he kept making?

- Duh. - WOMAN2: Yes.

- Duh.

Why not have him say dyno-mite?

Or what you talking about, Willis?

I mean if we're gonna put a show like this on TV, than why

not bring back "Home Boys From Outer Space?"

- WOMAN2: Oh yes.

- This is nothing like that show.

- At least on that show we had [bleep] in the future, okay?

That, that, that came out wrong.

And, and, and that's not what we're here for.

We're not here to talk about people to bring them down,

we're here to focus.

Oh [bleep].

I'm gonna-where's the bathroom?

Cause I got, I got an angry [bleep] to take.

- I had a friend at the focus group who saw a short "white"

bastard with black hands.

- That sounds ridiculous.

Who in the hell would dress up like a white man?

- It was for my album.

- Okay listen, the reason why they picked up "Almost Black"

is because Michael Rapaport was a much more convincing black

father than you. - Nick you want cards?

- I don't know what you don't get, man.

- You know it's all good, Kev.

Because of you, I got a part in a new movie.

- Really? - Yeah, you remember Rudolph?

- The producer? Yeah he sucks.

- Kevin how many cards?

- He's producing a little movie, um, y'all are looking at

the new thunder brotha.

- NICK: What? You got that?

- That's a damn lie, I'm the new thunder brotha.

- Okay, Kev, five card [bleep]? - No I don't want five cards.

- [yelling]

- Your cards go on the table, they gotta stay on the table.

- No. - Rules.

- KEVIN: I had my cards.

- One, two, three, four, five.

- Fine, fine!

- CRAIG: That's the rules, Kev.

- Mind your business, you're not even in the hand.

- CRAIG: Hey them the rules. - You ready?

- KEVIN: Yeah I'm ready. - Wanna see what I got?

- What you got? - Bam, a pair of threes.

- Great.

You're about to die slow, brotha.

[laughs]

- You ain't even gotta turn your cards over.

- KEVIN: I might as well not.

Uh, Ace is the first card I see.

I'm looking at a Queen next.

There's a King.

The next one is an eight.

- Oh that's disgusting.

- Then there's a four, hold on.

- Looks like you just got [bleep] on.

- Wait a second.

- NICK: Streak is over.

- The streak is over, the streak is over,

the streak is over...

- Everybody get, get out.

Get your ass to the hall.

Out there, man. Go!

- CRAIG: Peace. - KEVIN: Wait a minute.

Hey, you stop. Stop right there.

Is that the thunder brotha glove?

- The one and only. - You're a damn liar.

That's a fake.

- Is it? - Yeah, it is.

- All I want to do is zoom, zoom, zoom.

- Whoa!

- ARSENIO: Oh [bleep].

Where's Kevin?

- I don't know.

I just got the part.

♪