Original subtitles

♪

- The offer still stands,

you are more than welcome to stay at my place, okay?

- I'm good, the Washington boys got me a nice suite at

the "W."

- Oh at the "W."

- But what you can do is introduce me to one of your

good-looking single clients.

- No I cannot because I'm your sister not your dating service.

And you need to be focusing on what you're here for, your job.

- And you should focus on not acting like mother.

Maybe then you wouldn't be so backed up.

- [laughs] You know what?

I'm gonna let that go, cause you're my sister and I love you.

- Okay.

- Stay out of trouble.

Backed up?

There is nothing wrong with my plumbing.

I got that liquid Duane-o.

* This is the life This is the life *

* We got the life We got the life *

* This is the city Where we party *

* Every night Party every night *

* You and me Down and to go *

* Welcome to Hollywood Welcome to Hollywood *

* Welcome to Hollywood *

**

- [clears throat]

- Hey. - Hey.

Hey, hey.

Girl your name must be felony cause it is a crime to be

that fine.

- No it's a crime to be that corny.

- [laughs]

All right look, let's cut the [bleep].

Here's my phone, put your name and number in it, okay?

There you go.

That's what I'm talking about.

Nise Trya.

Nisa Tray.

- Nice try.

- Thank you, I just didn't know how to pronounce it,

that's why- That's why I'm saying it

different ways.

- You're not a bright one, are you?

- I'll show you not bright.

Got you.

- Yeah.

- Oh this is a great app that Jackie turned me on to.

It's called the stalker app.

Not that I'm a stalker, I'm just persistent.

Oh I'm gonna get ya.

- Yeah.

- [clears throat] You didn't see nothing.

Hey got that contract that you wanted me to sign.

- Oh good, I was just prepping this.

- Hey who in the hell is that fine ass girl outside

your office?

- You mean my baby sister, Catherine?

- Your sister? - Yes.

- Oh y'all must have different daddies then.

There's no way. All right, here's the plan.

This is how we're gonna do this. - No it's not happening.

- What do you mean it's not happening?

It's already happening. We exchanged numbers.

- She gave you her number?

- Yes, no, kinda.

I got that new stalker app.

- You do know that that's illegal, right?

- No it's not.

- I'm pretty sure that it's frowned upon in all 50 states.

- Oh god, Trina, first of all there are 54 states and

Los Angeles is one of them, okay?

Soon as Oakland passes this bill, they're gonna be

another one.

You know what that means?

That means that we really are gonna have a Raider Nation.

Geography.

God I don't know how you passed the bar if you don't know

this information.

- Yeah I don't either, thank you for educating me.

Look I just need you to stay away from my sister, okay?

- Oh, okay.

No, no, no I get it.

You don't think I'm good enough for your sister.

- Oh, Kevin, that's not it.

- No that, that is it.

Now granted I'm not.

I am not in any way, shape or form.

But here's a news flash for you, I'm gonna be your

brother-in-law.

Which means that I'm gonna be receiving free legal services

around here.

- Oh ho, and that would be different how?

- That's a good point.

We can talk about it later, sis.

Oh I like the way that sounds.

Hey what you want me to bring for Thanksgiving?

Stuffing, I know what you like.

* Jacking up

* Them greenbacks

* Heresy, presidents *

- Three rails in the corner.

- No.

- Ah.

Oh!

- Lord have mercy.

- Hey listen, I want that cue ball checked for steroids.

- I'll take that $100 from you too, mayor.

[bleep] damn.

- I'm just saying.

- What is that, campaign money?

Your ass going to jail.

- When I become governor, I'm gonna outlaw all this pool

hustling.

- What you need to do is outlaw pre-nup,

but I'm sure you already know that.

- Why does it always got to be about my divorce, Kevin?

- Because I had one too, and I don't like the fact that you're

not as angry as I was when I had mine.

- [laughs] Okay, Shay, you up, baby.

Matter of fact, show you how much of a good guy I am, I'm

gonna let you break cause you may not get another shot.

- Oh no, no, no I might as well just give you the money.

I don't play this game. - No, no, no, no, no.

- [bleep] about it.

He talking that trash, you go up there and you break.

- Why you so aggressive?

- Because I'm about to come out here and punk you, shape.

- Give me the chalk.

- Boy what you chalking, the ass or the stick?

What's he doing?

- Hey, Shay, the other way, don't do that.

- Show him how to hold a damn pool stick.

- All right, look, you might want to move out the way, I

don't want to put nobody's eye out.

- You got a point. Definitely got a point.

- Move back.

- Oh! - Oh.

- [laughs] - What the [bleep] was that?

- Yo you said I only had one shot, I took one shot.

- Pay up.

- NELLY: I'm not paying his ass for that [bleep].

- I'm gonna pay him.

[laughs] Oh wait a minute, everybody

stop the press.

What made you change your mind, the 19 text messages I sent you?

- After 10, I just got a new phone.

- Actually, she's here to see me.

- Uh, for what?

He don't even live by himself, he lives with his grandma now.

Burn.

- Hello.

- So where do you want to do this interview?

- Do it right here, we amongst friends.

- Allegedly, burn, burn.

- Double burn.

- You're on fire, you're on fire.

- Don't mind him, it's the first time off his

ventriloquist's lap.

- Ow. - Low burn.

- Why you gotta cut so deep with yours?

I was playing, Nick.

[bleep] you, Nick, I ain't no dummy.

You the dummy that signed that pre-nup.

- Come on, y'all, you knew it was me, huh?

- And with no regard for himself, he saved all of us.

And that's why that's the man that I am voting for

to be governor.

- Appreciate you, Shay.

- Kevin did you want to say something?

- No.

My dad always told me if I don't got nothing good to say,

don't say nothing at all.

- Yeah, but wasn't your daddy a crackhead?

- He had the same amount of hits as you.

- Forty million?

- I didn't mean you, I meant Nick.

- Okay, guys, thank you, that was it.

You guys have been great, thank you.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Before you go, let me get your new number.

I didn't even get it. - You just don't stop, do you?

- You just don't learn.

- PHONE: Your stalker app has been blocked.

The authorities have been notified.

- Hey, uh, hold that Nick.

♪

- Pissed off, man,

everybody was over there kissing Nick ass.

It was making me sick to my damn stomach.

- Kids are crazy, man, so who cares?

Trina's sister, now she's fine.

- [doorbell rings] - You know what?

She looked good.

She looked real good but, Jackie, you know how I like my

girls to be.

I like my girls to be the most...

beautiful girl in the room.

- Damn.

- Jackie get that top out of my flat right now.

Right now, you have to go.

- You don't need me to do nothing?

- No I don't need you to do [bleep], Jackie, come on.

- Damn, that's Trina's sister?

- So, uh, what brings you over here?

- Shut up and pour me a glass of champagne.

♪

- [cork pops]

♪

- So, uh, why the change of heart?

Punt intended.

So catch it, go ahead and run it back.

- Because you didn't kiss up to Nick like everyone else.

- Oh I can't stand Nick's ass.

See I know what lurks behind all that [bleep]

he's shoveling.

- Really?

Like what?

- I mean I can't really tell you.

I hate him but that's still my boy.

You know, it's guy code.

- Mmm.

Why don't we get a little more comfortable?

- Ooh.

- [cork pops] - What's that noise?

- That's my shoulder.

I [bleep] it up in the military.

Stepped on a land mine, fell off a submarine, caught a

grenade with my left hand and it blew up.

- Well why don't we go to your bedroom and I can rub it out

for you?

- [cork popping] - It's more land mines.

- CATHERINE: Mmm.

- Oh, okay.

All right, girl, you ready to do this?

- Mm-hmm.

- [laughs]

- You give me something good, I'll give you something good.

- Oh, girl, I'm about to give you this anaconda, that's what

I'm about to do.

- After you tell me about Nick.

- [bleep] Nick,

why we talking about Nick right now?

I'm trying to- Mmm.

You know Nick's from San Diego, he got a mother named Claire,

he got a daddy named Craig.

He got this little nephew, fat, makes these nasty pies, I call

him fat Jesus, never liked Nick.

- Okay, I'll see you later.

- Oh no wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

- I got a story to write, Kevin, and you ain't helping me.

- Okay, okay, okay, okay, all right, you want the good stuff.

- Yes.

- You want the good stuff or you want the good stuff?

- I want the good stuff. - But not the good, the good.

- Just give me the normal stuff, Kevin.

- I don't know what you want.

- Give me some information.

- You know all that hero stuff that everybody's saying about

Nick?

It's a lie.

Nick is the reason why I fell off the ledge.

Mm-hmm, J.B.

he left us for CBS.

Okay, Boris is addicted, Nick tried to kill me.

I was falling in slow motion and when I looked up who did

I see?

Nick wearing his Pee-Wee Herman suit.

I bet if people had known their hero was lying, I bet they

wouldn't have never hired Nick to be the mayor of

Beverly Hills.

And I'll tell you another thing, he damn sure wouldn't

be running for governor.

- Why didn't you tell anyone about this until now?

- Because I had magnesia, duh.

And boys don't tell on boys.

Unless love making's imminent.

Now speaking of love making, uh, you and I are about to get

a little imminent, right?

[laughs] - Thanks, Kevin.

- Where you going? - I got everything I need.

- Oh wait, girl, wait, hold on now, Lois Lane.

Where you going? - I got a deadline to meet.

- Okay now wait a second, you said if I gave you something,

you would give me something.

Mmm.

- [cork pops] - [bleep] dammit, that's it.

[bleep] hold on, let me lay down.

You can let yourself out.

I'm gonna go ahead and lay it down.

Take myself a nap.

♪

Yep.

♪

- Oh, you see this, really?

I give you an exclusive interview and this is what you

do to me?

Look at it.

Why would you set me up with her?

- What?

- I wrote the truth and I have an eyewitness.

- Wrote the truth?

Have an eyewitness?

Who's your eyewitness, huh?

- Okay, Nick, you are a smart man.

You know I can't reveal my sources.

- Well you better get to revealing something, how about

that?

- Wow, that was a great comeback, Nick.

- That was.

- Hopefully your political career will do the same.

I'm gonna be doing a follow-up article, so do you want to give

a statement before I go?

- No.

- Yes I want to give a statement, that that hat ain't

[bleep], that's my statement.

- Okay, Nick, Nick, okay, okay, take a seat, okay?

Just calm down, I'm gonna be right back.

Cat why does he think that I set you up with him?

- Because we're sisters.

- [laughs] Well then how did you get his

number?

I certainly didn't give it to you.

- I got my sources.

The one good thing that came out of meeting Kevin, besides

the article of course, was that stalker app.

Now let's see who else was in Trina's phone.

Ooh, Idris Elba, yes, sir.

- Nick I'm so sorry.

I apologize on her behalf, okay, but don't worry about it.

- Why would you set me up with your sister?

- You know what?

It doesn't matter, relax, okay?

We are gonna handle this.

I am going to organize a press conference, okay?

First thing, and we are going to deny all these accusations.

- Yes.

- Okay and then I am going to file an injunction, I'm gonna

let the "Washington Voice" know that they have a major

defamation suit coming their way.

What are you doing?

- I wouldn't do that.

- Why wouldn't you do that?

The accusations are false, right, Nick?

- Not completely.

- Nick what do you mean not completely?

It says mayor or murderer.

Did you try to murder him?

- I went over there. - You were there?

- I was looking for the guy, I didn't know they was out there

on the ledge.

Kevin...

[whistles] I didn't, I didn't try

to kill anybody.

- Okay, okay, that's fine.

Um, who else knows about this?

- No one.

- No one?

- Okay this jive turkey named Jet Black.

- Jive turkey named- - No, no, it's okay.

He's getting a monthly be-quiet stipend.

Solid soul brotha.

- You gave him hush money?

Why would you give him hush money?

Hush money implies that you are guilty.

- It's hush money cause we gotta be quiet.

- Okay.

- He a solid brotha. He ain't gonna say nothing.

- So if he didn't tell, then, um, who did?

♪

- Look I don't know who told,

but it gotta be one of these sons of snitches.

It can't be Boris or J.B. 'cause they don't cross

over to broadcast, they ain't got time for this bull[bleep].

* Oh, oh, oh, oh

* Oh, uh, haha Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh *

* We in the club Singing this *

* For money, ha I'm a gigolo *

* Spending lots of dough You can tell the way *

* Wide-body Sitting on four's *

* And how I'm shining With the fresh *

* Fresh clothes And I'm always surrounded *

* By so many [bleep] *

- Oh God, man.

- That's a cold-blooded tune, young blood.

- KEVIN: Nick what the hell is this about?

Why you out here dressed like a smooth criminal?

What is this?

- I'll tell you what this is about.

One of y'all ratted me out to Cat.

- KEVIN: What?

- NICK: Mm-hmm.

- Told her them [bleep] lies.

Never liked you anyway, pretty mother[bleep].

- I could tell.

- So what, Cat's got everybody's tongue?

Maybe some more of this will refresh your memory.

Uh.

- [screams] - Don't.

- Come on, Nick, seriously, man.

* Pimp bones in my body Rock them body hotty *

* Me and Kels own Ducati's *

- What does that, what?

I don't know what that means.

- Somebody better get to talking, before they pulling

diamonds out your ass.

Let's start with you, Shaking Tail.

- You saw me talking to Cat.

I said good things about you.

I told her I would vote for you.

- Hey, listen, so did I, man.

But if I'd have known you was gonna be blasting this [bleep]

all night, I'd have said [bleep] Nick Cannon.

- That's a great idea, Nelly.

Let's watch my comedy special ironically titled [bleep]

Nick Cannon.

- All right, all right!

Don't you play one [bleep] joke.

It was me.

- What?

- I did it.

- What?

You're the one who sold out young blood?

- You can't snitch out your friends, man.

- Man you can't do that, you gotta make this right.

- What about him?

He pushed me off the ledge, he didn't make it right.

- Man it was an accident, all right?

- Bottom line is, Kev, you broke man code, cuz.

- No doubt.

We got a rat in the house.

Now you know what that means?

- Unless it means that you gotta get rid of that mustache,

no I do not.

- You broke the man code, therefore Nick gets to pick the

punishment.

- Yeah, I like that.

- What, what you gonna do?

You gonna brand a incredible logo on me, is that what you're

gonna do, Nick?

- Oh no.

Not incredible enough for my logo.

But I'll tell you what I am gonna do.

I'm gonna hold a press conference, let the world know

that you told all them lies.

And then, you're gonna eat some pie.

- What the hell you talking about, eating some pie?

♪

- Oh.

Oh you dirty mother[bleep].

- Long time no see, lil' Kev.

- Well, well, well.

Well it looks like fat Jesus ate the last supper.

Look like he got titties too.

It's about to be us.

- Well fat Jesus gonna resurrect you.

- That's it.

This ain't gonna be like last time.

- Oh.

- Oh my- - Damn.

- That's a nice punch you got there, Kevin Hart.

But let's see if you can take one.

- What?

- Or maybe a thousand?

- NICK: Get him!

Get him, nephew.

- That's what I'm talking about.

♪

Hey, you don't see I'm having a press conference?

Shut the [bleep] up!

Thank you.

I want to clear up these rumors that's going around in the

"Washington Voice."

First thing I need to clear up is that Nick Cannon did not try

to kill me, all right?

His fat ass nephew did.

That's right, boy got a gland problem.

I think that boy got the diabetes, or as referred to in

the black community, the sugars.

He gonna [bleep] around, cut his foot off, Nick.

Right but that's another story for another day.

Uh, basically what's happening right now, they're taking

everything that I'm saying out of continuity, that's what

they're doing.

- Hey, hey, hey, it's context.

- Jackie you don't think I know what I'm saying?

What, what does this have to do with texting, huh?

Are we talking on a cell phone right now?

Are we texting back and forth?

Just shut your ass up.

Thank you.

Um, here's what I want you guys to know.

Get your pencils ready, because this is gonna be good.

Cat Shaw is telling you guys lies.

The woman tried to come over to my house and use her feminine

willies to get me drunk and, and have sex just so I could

give her a bunch of bad information about my on-and-off

again friend Nick Cannon, okay?

- What kind of apology is this?

- Although she didn't get what she want, I did.

That Cat got bit.

[hisses] [laughs]

Write it down, go ahead, that's fine.

Bottom line is this, she spread lies about Nick Cannon, who by

the way is running for the governor of Beverly Hills.

That's right.

If Cat Shaw continues to fabricate these stories, I will

be forced to have my attorney Trina Shaw get to work

and use action.

It's gonna be a Shaw Shank showdown.

- All right, Mr. Hart will now take a few questions.

- [crowd yelling] - I have a question, I have a

question right here.

- Let's go with the bald guy.

Boy he's still got them awful ass suits.

Do you see his suit?

Jesus [bleep], man.

- Well, uh, looks like from the looks of your eye, took a

another ass whooping, just like you did with

Sugar Shane Mosley.

Listen, Buddy Lewis, "Humor Mill.:"

You claim the reporter, Ms. Cat Shaw, used her "womanly

willies" to get you to rat out your boy Nick Cannon.

I'm saying what kind of weak, low-down, trifling,

dirty, twisted, morally bankrupt, poo butt, deviant-

- Hey, hey, sir, your question is making your lips dry.

This is the time to lick them or put chap stick on.

So if you have some, apply it.

- [laughs] Yeah, all right.

I just got one more question.

What kind of poo butt celebrity has to lie on their iddy-bitty

little [bleep], huh?

Uh-huh, why is that?

- No more questions.

- [crowd yelling] - Why did you lie?

Why did you lie?

- KEVIN: That's some bull.

- It is, man.

It is what it is.

- Watch yourself.

He see me?

- Kevin I have to talk to you.

- About what, Trina?

Tell me that I'm not good enough for your sister, is she

not good enough for me?

- No, no you don't understand.

I did not tell you to stay away from Cat because I thought she

was too good for you, I told you to stay away from her

because she's crazy.

She is trouble.

Her InstaGram is @troublecat.

- Listen to me, she hasn't seen trouble yet, okay?

- Look I just got a text from her and she is pissed.

- She's pissed?

Well wait a minute, give me a chance to find some give a

[bleep].

I can't find it.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Okay, you seen "Gone Girl"? - No.

- You about to be gone, boy.

- Oh, you know, whatever.

Like I'm supposed to be scared of some damn reporter.

Hey come on, lady, don't you see me right here?

Oh okay, you blind.

Gotta watch out for this type of stuff.

Come on, lady.

Tripping, that's probably how you got like that.

- [laughs] - Kevin, yeah it's me.

I only printed what you told me.

And I never slept with your sorry ass.

- I imagined that I hit it twice.

- [laughs] - [yells]

- Help!

Aw, hell ho!