Original subtitles

♪

- KEVIN: There comes a time in a man's life

when he's gotta let the hood rat go, and he's gotta

pursue a more refined, cultured woman.

He's gotta go from Charmaine to Champagne.

That's why today me and the guys are scouting.

I mean working out in the new gym.

- Tell me again why the hell we paying ten times as much to do

the same damn workout we do every day?

- Because the women here are ten times as fine.

Look around.

- I ain't mad at that.

- Oooh.

Hey, I think I just found the next Mrs. Kevin Hart.

- No, man, feel the roll, baby.

That's Claire Johnson, and you ain't messing with that one.

- That's the CEO and Founder of Claire Boyne Investment Group.

- I've been trying to get her on the phone for five weeks now.

Won't return a call.

- You hear that, Kevin?

That's outta of your league.

- She'll eat your little ass up and then chase it with a

damn mimosa.

- ♪ Come on, come on Shake it, shake it ♪

♪ See ya at the club, man Makin it go ♪

♪ See ya in the club, man Shake it some more ♪

- Arsenio, what the [bleep] was you doing?

- Hey, if "Dancing with the Stars" call me this year,

I'm gonna say yes.

- Shut your ass up.

I'm already in line for "Dancing with the Stars."

- You can't dance with me, JB.

- Who messed up now?

♪

- Uh-huh.

♪

- You all ain't only ones that can do that.

Ha!

Ha-ha!

Run, run.

Ah!

- ALL: Oooh! - Damn.

- Oh my God!

Are you okay?

- Huh?

I'm about to bag it.

♪ This is the life This is the life ♪

♪ We've got the life We've got the life ♪

♪ This is the city Where we party every night ♪

♪ Party every night Just you and me ♪

♪ Down and to go Welcome to Hollywood ♪

♪ Welcome to Hollywood Welcome to Hollywood ♪

♪

- Are you okay? - Huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, no, no, no.

I was-I was practicing my dismount.

And so I nailed that, didn't I?

What'd you think?

- I think you need to keep working on it with a net and a

pad and a helmet.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey.

That was real cute how you tried to act like you really don't

know who I am.

Like I'm not one of the biggest comedians in the world

right now.

- I'm sorry.

In my line of work, I don't pay much attention to Hollywood.

- Well, I'm paying a lot attention to you right now.

- Is that so?

- That so is.

- Claire.

- I'm hearing an accent. Are you from Germany?

- Picqua, Ohio.

- Mwah.

It's a-it's a thing that we do here.

So, uh, Claire Bear, what kind of line of work you in?

- Well, my firm handles investments, securities, asset

management, that kind of thing.

- Let me tell you something. I know firm.

Right now, your assets are together, you hear me?

Pop, pop, pop. You are popping out, girl.

- [laughing] You-you're funny.

- God, turn the air on.

Geesh.

So listen, you manage assets.

Why don't you manage mine?

- Oh, I don't handle personal assets.

Just countries.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.

So let's just go out. Why don't we go out?

- No, thank you.

But, uh ...m having a party tomorrow night.

You should stop by, liven things up a little bit.

- Yeah. Yeah, I should.

I wanna come. - Great.

- Let me just get your address, so I-

- I don't give that. But I'll send a car for you.

- You can't send a car for me because you don't have

my address.

- I know where to find you. Have a good workout.

[clears throat]

♪ If it don't make dollars

♪ Then it don't make sense

♪ More money, more problems ♪

- Whatever.

Okay, don't say I didn't warn you.

- ARSENIO: What?

- Okay, if you can't get in here with street clothes on,

it's not my fault, you hear me?

- This is the way billionaires dress.

- Oh, will you stop it?

The only billionaire you know is Donald Trump.

And you was just his apprentice.

- I beat Victoria Gotti, Kevin!

- Will you- - I could be dead.

I could have-

- JB, what the [bleep] are you doing?

- You know what the hell I'm doing.

Where's Claire?

And why are you wearing that monkey suit?

- This ain't no damn monkey suit.

- See, I told you, this is all wrong.

You gonna play yourself.

- No, speaking of playing yourself, I only got a plus one.

Yeah, so one of you guys-

- Well, I'm going. I was in the car.

People in the truck don't go to the party.

- Don't talk to me, okay?

Who you need to talk to is JB.

- What you all doing down there, man?

I'm hanging with the white folks, man!

Come on, mitches!

[laughing]

- How does he do that?

- JB: Whoo! Whoo!

- [clapping]

- Hey, stop JB don't-excuse me, I'm sorry.

I'm gonna-what are you doing, man?

Act like you all got some sense, please.

- Ooh, food!

- Care for an [unintelligible] and a crudité?

- Don't mind if I do, my brother.

Let me get a few of those right there.

Few of these right here.

[speaking French]

- When the hell did you learn French and

start eating "crudight"?

- Uh, Claire likes French, I like French.

Claire loves crudité, I love crudité.

Claire like parlay, and I like the boo, baby.

- It's creepy. - You creepy.

- No, you're creepy. - You creepy.

Your ass look creepy right now.

- No, I don't. JB, I got on a suit.

- It seem like you kinda stalking his Claire Bear.

- Thank you.

- It's not called stalking, Kevin.

It's called knowing your subject.

Look.

I'm here for me first, and you second, mother [bleep].

Relax. - Stop it!

- Oui, oui, I gotta go pee-pee. - JB!

- Hey- - JB!

- -I'll be hiding at the bar, because you all gonna get thrown

out of this damn party.

- I've seen your-I can't do this, man.

- Claire just purchased Dora Maar with Cat.

I think it's a really nice addition to her collection.

- What a minute, are you talking about Dora?

Yeah, my daughter loves Dora.

But Diego, the cousin, that's the one.

- Diego Rivera, the Mexican muralist?

- No, no, no, I'm talking about the little Mexican kid that

saves all the animals from the jungle.

Diego.

- Diego? - You all don't know Diego?

- Diego? - Oh, you guy are stupid, man.

I'm done with this conversation.

- Kevin?

Kevin!

Kevin, so glad you could make it.

- Well, I'm glad I could too.

- No.

Um, do you need anything before you go on?

- Go on what?

- Well, you're a comedian, right?

- Yeah.

But to get me to perform, baby, it takes a lot to-what is this?

What's going on?

Five hundred thousand dollars?

- You'll get the other half later.

- Well, I guess I'll be telling some jokes.

Uh, knock, knock.

Who's there?

Amil. Amil who?

A million [bleep] dollars!

Open up the door, [bleep].

♪

I guess I'm gonna give you all the corporate material.

[laughs] Hey, I had a napkin siting on

the table the other day.

And I said, "Why is this napkin "so still?

"You know what? I need to make it dance."

So you know what I did?

I put a little boogie in it.

- [silence]

- Boogie.

Boogie is dancing, so I put it in-

- At least he's dressed appropriately for his own damn

funeral.

- If it was me, I would do my pickle joke.

- Really? - It's a perfect crowd.

- Oh, okay. You all want the edgy stuff.

Me and the girl was hanging out, man.

And you know thing got a little hot and heavy, so I pulled out

my pickle.

- Don't do it, Kevin.

- You know what she had the nerve to say?

- Don't do it. - What's the deal?

- MAN: You suck!

- That's not how it goes.

When I tell it, because it's my joke, it's different.

- It's my joke.

- It's my joke. - That's my joke.

- That's my pickle joke, Kevin.

- The pickle is my [bleep].

- [crowd oohs] - Oh God.

♪

- That's what happen.

When you ain't funny, that's what happen.

[laughs] - Whatever, man.

- Look at this way, Kevin.

At least you got a chance to wear that tuxedo you bought for

the Oscar's you never hosted.

[laughs] - Shut up, man.

- I don't know why you riding him.

He got a million dollars for a bad set.

- Thank you.

- A million dollars, damn.

I need to start writing jokes.

- Oh, you already do.

I heard your last album.

Boing!

Ba-boing!

- But imagine this.

How much money would she have paid for a real funny comic like

myself?

[phone ringing] - JB, shut up.

Don't nobody wanna hear that mess.

Hello?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, no, I will.

Okay, I'll see you then.

- Who that? - That was Claire.

I left my scarf.

She wanna meet for lunch so I can pick it up.

- I think she wants to give him another shot.

- In his ass.

- Hey, man, shut up, Nelly.

- Listen, listen.

She didn't have to arrange a lunch in this scarf exchange.

She wants to pound some Kevin Hart.

- Hey, if that's the case, you know what that means?

It means I'm about to get me a bazillionaire.

- Mmm.

- But you got to have your [bleep] together.

- Together.

- Claire Rockefeller Johnson is not gonna date just anybody.

- What does that mean?

- You gotta come correct.

You have to have etiquette.

- What?

Do you know what etiquette is, Kevin Hart?

♪

- Okay. - Okay, now focus, man.

You eat the salad with the little salad fork.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

First of all, Claire does not like salad.

She's a very picky eater.

- How you know what? - I looked it up.

She's picky. Picky, picky.

- You're distracting from the process, okay?

You're making this very hard. You don't know what she like.

- Why don't we talk about what to do when the Sommelier

approaches with the wines?

- Stop, stop. She's from Homey Hills, okay?

Now Somalia is a small country in South America somewhere.

They got faces like you.

They got bodies like JB.

- He doesn't mean Somalia.

Sommelier, that's the wine guy.

- He's the one who provides the aperitifs.

- Exactly.

- What do I need a pair of teeth for?

Only person here that need a pair of teeth is Coleman

in the morning.

- Oh. - Come on, guys.

- I don't know why I volunteered to help Kevin.

I'd be better off trying to teach a penguin to slap box.

♪

- He's cool.

I'm so-oh. - Just-Kevin, just relax.

Be yourself. - Be myself?

- Mm-hmm.

- I was hoping you would say that.

I really was.

Okay. - No, no.

- Five second rule.

- Don't eat that.

- Okay, my bad. I'm sorry.

- So, do you know why I invited you back?

- To get my scarf, right?

- The truth is, I find you...

charming.

And once I saw you shirtless ...knew I wanted to spend more

time with you.

- I don't blame you.

[laughs]

Working out, you know, basically gym.

♪

- Well, that's-that's something else right there.

You got a-oh, God.

- Care to see who's on the dessert menu tonight?

[crash]

- That's my stuff.

- You're aggressive, ain't ya?

- Stop talking.

- I knew she couldn't resist this heavy artillery.

Like Barack.

I'm about to put boots on the ground.

Her boots.

Wait, no.

That means I'm not getting any.

Her boots gotta be in the air.

But then she would still be dressed.

Ooh. Here it is.

- I'm gonna eat you for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

- [moaning]

I need it. I gotta get it.

- Wait. - I gotta get it.

No, no, no.

- Before we got any further, there's I need you to sign.

- What?

- It's a confidentiality agreement with a few provisions.

- I don't got that much time while it's up.

Come on.

We got to go.

♪

- A little bite.

- [laughing] - Let's get to it, madam.

- [speaking French] - Lexus.

[chuckles] Oh.

All right.

Maybe it's just because they gold I don't-I tell you what.

I'm just gotta use a pair of teeth to eat this.

Okay?

Mm, I like the way it's sliding off the muffin.

That's- [phone buzzes]

- Shoot. Hold on a second.

Oh [bleep].

Hey, babe, I'm sorry, I'm gotta go.

I gotta go. - No, no, no, you can't.

I'm hosting my fundraising gala for my billionaire associates,

the Coke brothers, tonight.

- Okay, first of all, when did brothers start slinging

drugs again?

Second of all, babe, I gotta go.

I got a table read.

I'm doing a movie in like a month.

- You obviously haven't read the C.A. you signed.

Your time is my time.

Besides, your movie's being shut down anyway.

- What did you say?

- I had one of my subsidiary companies pull financing.

You were spending too much time on that silly movie.

- Wait, you had one of the subsid-okay, we'll get back to

that word later.

What do you mean you had it shut down?

- Don't worry.

You'll be paid for your services.

- No, no, no, stop, stop.

Not after that. Now I'm calling Trina.

I need to figure this out.

- The contract also states no electronic devices when we're

together, except for the ones in my drawer, of course.

[laughing]

- Okay, looky here, Nina Brown, even if I were to go to your

little drug dealer ball, I would have to get a tux.

I don't have one here.

- Well, that's okay.

I had my tailor flown in from Savoy Row London.

- Where you just come from?

Wait, hey, man, get off of me, Jack.

You're not-you're not listening.

I have a movie that I'm doing in a month.

I need-listen, if you're gonna do that action, give me a little

break in the bottom.

That's how I like it to fit.

I don't even have shoes.

- Oh, well, I had my cobbler carve out a spectacular pair.

I think you'll like them.

- Oh my damn.

Oh God.

Oh, these are shiny.

- Yeah, they're black diamonds.

- For my feet? - Mm.

- [laughs] [bleep].

Oh, Nick, you think you're balling because you put a couple

of diamonds in your penny loafers.

Well, guess what? My shoes are diamonds, Nick.

That's right. I'm Snow White.

I meant Cinderella.

Wait. Who is the girl with the shoe?

♪

- All I'm saying is she's trying to turn you into one

of her employees.

- I was just hoping you would get in there and hook me up.

You did mention my name, right?

- No, I ain't mention your damn name.

- You didn't mention my name?

- What part of no don't you understand, JB?

The N or the O? No!

- [bleep] you, Kevin.

- We're just trying to understand, man, why the hell

you ain't been showing up to workout.

No poker, no Taco Tuesdays, nothing, man.

What's up?

- All because of a damn contract.

- How you know about that?

- That's how powerful women roll.

I've been with a few.

- Yeah, she Oprah-fying that ass.

- Don't nobody own me. - No, not yet.

- You gonna be a little chocolate Stedman in a week.

- You don't do right by people, you're gonna end up in a little

corner by yourself.

- Oh, shut up, JB.

- Got my heartrate all high.

- KEVIN: All right. - At 275.

- KEVIN: All right. - At 276, 279, 302.

- This dumb-look at this dumb-

- You're gonna kill me, Kevin Hart!

- That your heart rate, JB?

- That's my heartrate right now, 402!

- That's the [bleep] damn calories.

- What?

- Your heartrate's over here.

You got to be-I swear.

- This must be the new model, because...last time they had a-

♪

- What it do?

Got you.

What's up? You wanted to see me.

- Yes.

You actually signed this?

- Yeah, it's just a simple D.A. agreement.

- No, it's a C.A.

It's a confid-never mind.

Okay, Claire Johnson now owns you.

- What you talking about?

Don't nobody own Kevin Hart, baby.

- Actually, plenty of people own you.

Sony, Universal, Paramount.

By the way, you've just missed two weeks of shooting on

"Ride Along 3."

- Yeah, yeah, no, no.

I told 'em to go ahead and shoot Cube's scene, then CGG me

in later.

- There's not going to be any later.

What's going on with you?

- I'm in love.

- Oh, you're in love?

- KEVIN: Yes.

- [laughs] What do you know about love?

- I know that it has about $25 billion.

- Uh-huh.

- Hey, did you know that the Coke brothers don't sling Coke.

- Crazy.

Um, look, I'm talking to you as your friend.

- Mm-hmm. - Not lawyer.

I'm a little worried about you.

I think you should be careful, okay?

I don't wanna see you get hurt.

- Oh, no.

- What? - This is so cute.

[laughs] Oh my God.

You're jealous. - Clearly, you-what?

- You're jealous.

- [laughing] Of?

- I knew Wayne wasn't curling them toes right.

- Wayne is definitely curling these toes, don't-

- Whoa. What are we talking about?

♪

man, there are parts of him which are not small, if you know

what I mean.

- [laughing] - Kevin, you know I know he's

dumb as a box of Enron stocks, but he keeps me entertained.

- WOMAN: How's the sex?

- Surprisingly quite wonderful for the few seconds

that it lasts.

- ALL: [laughing]

- You've kept him around a lot longer than most.

Does he have an expiration date?

- I'm getting quite bored, actually.

Anyway, I found a new boy toy.

- [gasps] You're kidding?

- When he's come in?

- Any day now.

And you can have my leftovers, girls.

- WOMAN: Oh, please.

- What can I say?

I collect fine art, fine wine, and fine young men.

- Oh, it's like that? Okay.

Look, I might have bombed the last time I performed in front

of the one percent.

But tonight, the only bombs are gonna be the ones I'm dropping.

Kay-kaw!

[bleep] was that?

- [feedback buzzes] - Sorry to interrupt your

party, people.

There's an awful smell in this room right now.

Does anybody else smell it?

No?

- [sniffs] - It smells like a bunch of

fake-ass people.

♪

- [audience laughing]

- You know-you know, Claire, I'm actually-I wanna invest in

some laxatives for you and all your fake-ass friends.

That's what I wanna do.

- [audience laughing] - Now I know why you all never

got my jokes.

It's because your asses are so tight that your faces

can't move.

That's why.

- [audience laughing] - You know, no matter how much

money I get, I'm never going to spend time with any

of you people.

Never.

Matter of fact, Claire, you can kiss my black ass goodbye

tonight.

You hear me?

- [audience laughing] - Okay.

In closing, I just wanna tell all of you to go [bleep]

yourselves.

- [audience laughing] - No, no, no, wait.

You can't go.

This is the funniest I've seen you.

- Uh, you can't afford me, Claire.

- I'll pay you double.

- Double my ass.

- Triple.

- [sighs] Triple it is.

- [applause] - Hey!

I'm back.

Why do I feel like I'm at a Tupperware party with all this

damn plastic surgery in the room?

- [audience laughing] - I'm talking about you, lady!

Because your face is saggy.

[bleep] is stupid.

[laughs] This is great.

Triple. I'm not playing.

♪

- Yeah, Kev, man, I know what it's like to lose your girl.

I went through the same thing when the champ lost his.

- Ouch. - Wait a minute.

- Let it go. Who's your writer?

[unintelligible].

- I don't pity you.

You couldn't have introduced a brother before you [bleep] it up

for everybody else?

- JB, look, I didn't want to hurt your feeling, but I'm just

gonna come out and say it.

The woman did not ask about you.

To be honest, JB, she thinks you're weird.

- She didn't say that. - She did say it.

- There's no way in hell she said that, Kevin!

- There is a way in hell. - Claire did not say that!

You're a hater, man! - I'm not hating.

I'm telling you what Claire said.

- After all the [bleep] I did for you!

- You didn't do nothing for me.

- [screeching] All that stuff for you!

- JB!

- [indistinct yelling]

- I did the joke, because it's my joke.

- Look me right in the face and you still did it!

- Let go of the pickle joke! - Don't touch me, Arsenio!

- Oh, shoot!

- Agh!

- You done got the Hulk wet.

- JB, if you wasn't my boy.

Mm.

Kevin, you got any grown-folks clothes in the back?

- You see this [bleep]?

- Damn shame. Still sagging at 40.

- The tattoo, man.

- BOTH: You dirty mother [bleep]!

- That's it!

♪