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♪
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- KEVIN: There comes
a time in a man's life
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00:00:15,493 --> 00:00:16,633
when he's gotta let
the hood rat go, and he's gotta
4
00:00:16,668 --> 00:00:19,448
pursue a more refined,
cultured woman.
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00:00:19,497 --> 00:00:21,797
He's gotta go from Charmaine
to Champagne.
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00:00:21,847 --> 00:00:23,407
That's why today me and
the guys are scouting.
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I mean working out
in the new gym.
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- Tell me again why the hell we
paying ten times as much to do
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00:00:28,376 --> 00:00:30,286
the same damn workout
we do every day?
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- Because the women
here are ten times as fine.
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Look around.
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- I ain't mad at that.
13
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- Oooh.
14
00:00:39,300 --> 00:00:42,220
Hey, I think I just found the
next Mrs. Kevin Hart.
15
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- No, man, feel the roll, baby.
16
00:00:43,782 --> 00:00:46,092
That's Claire Johnson, and you
ain't messing with that one.
17
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- That's the CEO and Founder of
Claire Boyne Investment Group.
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00:00:49,136 --> 00:00:51,306
- I've been trying to get her
on the phone for five weeks now.
19
00:00:51,355 --> 00:00:52,135
Won't return a call.
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- You hear that, Kevin?
21
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That's outta of your league.
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00:00:55,142 --> 00:00:56,452
- She'll eat your little ass up
and then chase it with a
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damn mimosa.
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- ♪ Come on, come on Shake it, shake it ♪
25
00:00:59,146 --> 00:01:01,186
♪ See ya at the club, man Makin it go ♪
26
00:01:01,235 --> 00:01:03,405
♪ See ya in the club, man Shake it some more ♪
27
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- Arsenio, what the
[bleep] was you doing?
28
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- Hey, if "Dancing with the
Stars" call me this year,
29
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I'm gonna say yes.
30
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- Shut your ass up.
31
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I'm already in line for
"Dancing with the Stars."
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- You can't dance with me, JB.
33
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- Who messed up now?
34
00:01:14,291 --> 00:01:20,171
♪
35
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- Uh-huh.
36
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♪
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- You all ain't only ones
that can do that.
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Ha!
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Ha-ha!
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Run, run.
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Ah!
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- ALL: Oooh!
- Damn.
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- Oh my God!
44
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Are you okay?
45
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- Huh?
46
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I'm about to bag it.
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♪ This is the life This is the life ♪
48
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♪ We've got the life We've got the life ♪
49
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♪ This is the city Where we party every night ♪
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♪ Party every night Just you and me ♪
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♪ Down and to go Welcome to Hollywood ♪
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♪ Welcome to Hollywood Welcome to Hollywood ♪
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♪
54
00:02:03,340 --> 00:02:04,390
- Are you okay?
- Huh?
55
00:02:04,428 --> 00:02:06,298
Yeah.
56
00:02:06,343 --> 00:02:07,343
Yeah, no, no, no.
57
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I was-I was practicing my
dismount.
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00:02:10,304 --> 00:02:11,484
And so I nailed that, didn't I?
59
00:02:11,522 --> 00:02:13,222
What'd you think?
60
00:02:13,263 --> 00:02:15,353
- I think you need to keep
working on it with a net and a
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pad and a helmet.
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- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
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00:02:20,401 --> 00:02:21,531
That was real cute how you tried
to act like you really don't
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know who I am.
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Like I'm not one of the biggest
comedians in the world
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right now.
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- I'm sorry.
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00:02:27,234 --> 00:02:29,024
In my line of work, I don't pay
much attention to Hollywood.
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- Well, I'm paying a lot
attention to you right now.
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- Is that so?
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- That so is.
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- Claire.
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- I'm hearing an accent.
Are you from Germany?
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- Picqua, Ohio.
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- Mwah.
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00:02:41,465 --> 00:02:44,205
It's a-it's a thing
that we do here.
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00:02:44,251 --> 00:02:47,471
So, uh, Claire Bear, what
kind of line of work you in?
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- Well, my firm handles
investments, securities, asset
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management, that kind of thing.
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- Let me tell you something.
I know firm.
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Right now, your assets are
together, you hear me?
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Pop, pop, pop.
You are popping out, girl.
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00:02:57,481 --> 00:03:00,961
- [laughing]
You-you're funny.
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- God, turn the air on.
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Geesh.
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So listen, you manage assets.
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00:03:10,494 --> 00:03:11,284
Why don't you manage mine?
88
00:03:11,321 --> 00:03:14,241
- Oh, I don't
handle personal assets.
89
00:03:14,281 --> 00:03:15,241
Just countries.
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- Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.
91
00:03:16,457 --> 00:03:17,277
So let's just go out.
Why don't we go out?
92
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- No, thank you.
93
00:03:19,286 --> 00:03:23,156
But, uh ...m having a party
tomorrow night.
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You should stop by, liven things
up a little bit.
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00:03:24,726 --> 00:03:26,416
- Yeah.
Yeah, I should.
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I wanna come.
- Great.
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- Let me just get your
address, so I-
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- I don't give that.
But I'll send a car for you.
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00:03:31,472 --> 00:03:32,392
- You can't send a car for me
because you don't have
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my address.
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- I know where to find you.
Have a good workout.
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[clears throat]
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♪ If it don't make dollars
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♪ Then it don't make sense
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♪ More money, more problems ♪
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- Whatever.
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Okay, don't say I
didn't warn you.
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- ARSENIO: What?
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- Okay, if you can't get in
here with street clothes on,
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00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:53,322
it's not my fault, you hear me?
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- This is the way
billionaires dress.
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- Oh, will you stop it?
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The only billionaire you
know is Donald Trump.
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And you was just his apprentice.
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- I beat Victoria Gotti, Kevin!
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- Will you-
- I could be dead.
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I could have-
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- JB, what the [bleep]
are you doing?
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- You know what
the hell I'm doing.
120
00:04:04,548 --> 00:04:05,718
Where's Claire?
121
00:04:05,767 --> 00:04:06,767
And why are you wearing
that monkey suit?
122
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- This ain't no
damn monkey suit.
123
00:04:07,943 --> 00:04:09,473
- See, I told you,
this is all wrong.
124
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You gonna play yourself.
125
00:04:11,033 --> 00:04:12,643
- No, speaking of playing
yourself, I only got a plus one.
126
00:04:12,687 --> 00:04:13,777
Yeah, so one of you guys-
127
00:04:13,818 --> 00:04:15,038
- Well, I'm going.
I was in the car.
128
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People in the truck
don't go to the party.
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00:04:16,343 --> 00:04:17,613
- Don't talk to me, okay?
130
00:04:17,648 --> 00:04:20,428
Who you need to talk to is JB.
131
00:04:20,477 --> 00:04:22,127
- What you all doing
down there, man?
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I'm hanging with the
white folks, man!
133
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Come on, mitches!
134
00:04:24,481 --> 00:04:26,481
[laughing]
135
00:04:26,527 --> 00:04:28,087
- How does he do that?
136
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- JB: Whoo! Whoo!
137
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- [clapping]
138
00:04:32,620 --> 00:04:34,670
- Hey, stop JB don't-excuse
me, I'm sorry.
139
00:04:34,709 --> 00:04:36,359
I'm gonna-what are
you doing, man?
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00:04:36,406 --> 00:04:37,576
Act like you all got
some sense, please.
141
00:04:37,625 --> 00:04:39,095
- Ooh, food!
142
00:04:39,148 --> 00:04:41,538
- Care for an [unintelligible]
and a crudité?
143
00:04:41,585 --> 00:04:43,195
- Don't mind if I do,
my brother.
144
00:04:43,239 --> 00:04:44,549
Let me get a few of
those right there.
145
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Few of these right here.
146
00:04:45,633 --> 00:04:52,603
[speaking French]
147
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- When the hell did
you learn French and
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start eating "crudight"?
149
00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:56,375
- Uh, Claire likes French,
I like French.
150
00:04:56,426 --> 00:04:57,686
Claire loves crudité,
I love crudité.
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00:04:57,732 --> 00:05:00,082
Claire like parlay, and
I like the boo, baby.
152
00:05:00,125 --> 00:05:01,075
- It's creepy.
- You creepy.
153
00:05:01,126 --> 00:05:01,736
- No, you're creepy.
- You creepy.
154
00:05:01,779 --> 00:05:03,349
Your ass look creepy right now.
155
00:05:03,390 --> 00:05:05,350
- No, I don't.
JB, I got on a suit.
156
00:05:05,392 --> 00:05:06,522
- It seem like you kinda
stalking his Claire Bear.
157
00:05:06,567 --> 00:05:07,477
- Thank you.
158
00:05:07,524 --> 00:05:08,794
- It's not called stalking,
Kevin.
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00:05:08,830 --> 00:05:10,530
It's called knowing
your subject.
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00:05:10,571 --> 00:05:11,661
Look.
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00:05:11,702 --> 00:05:13,752
I'm here for me first, and you
second, mother [bleep].
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Relax.
- Stop it!
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- Oui, oui, I gotta go pee-pee.
- JB!
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- Hey-
- JB!
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00:05:18,143 --> 00:05:19,623
- -I'll be hiding at the bar,
because you all gonna get thrown
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out of this damn party.
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00:05:20,494 --> 00:05:23,284
- I've seen your-I can't do
this, man.
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00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:26,113
- Claire just purchased
Dora Maar with Cat.
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00:05:26,151 --> 00:05:27,721
I think it's a really nice
addition to her collection.
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00:05:27,762 --> 00:05:28,812
- What a minute, are you
talking about Dora?
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00:05:28,850 --> 00:05:30,500
Yeah, my daughter loves Dora.
172
00:05:30,547 --> 00:05:33,157
But Diego, the cousin,
that's the one.
173
00:05:33,202 --> 00:05:34,772
- Diego Rivera,
the Mexican muralist?
174
00:05:34,812 --> 00:05:36,552
- No, no, no, I'm talking about
the little Mexican kid that
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00:05:36,597 --> 00:05:38,507
saves all the animals
from the jungle.
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00:05:38,555 --> 00:05:39,635
Diego.
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00:05:39,687 --> 00:05:42,117
- Diego?
- You all don't know Diego?
178
00:05:42,167 --> 00:05:43,647
- Diego?
- Oh, you guy are stupid, man.
179
00:05:43,691 --> 00:05:44,741
I'm done with this conversation.
180
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- Kevin?
181
00:05:48,478 --> 00:05:50,738
Kevin!
182
00:05:50,785 --> 00:05:52,735
Kevin, so glad
you could make it.
183
00:05:52,787 --> 00:05:54,657
- Well, I'm glad I could too.
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00:05:54,702 --> 00:05:55,572
- No.
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00:05:55,616 --> 00:05:57,786
Um, do you need anything
before you go on?
186
00:05:57,835 --> 00:05:59,445
- Go on what?
187
00:05:59,489 --> 00:06:00,529
- Well, you're a
comedian, right?
188
00:06:00,577 --> 00:06:02,267
- Yeah.
189
00:06:02,318 --> 00:06:05,628
But to get me to perform, baby,
it takes a lot to-what is this?
190
00:06:05,669 --> 00:06:06,189
What's going on?
191
00:06:08,759 --> 00:06:10,149
Five hundred thousand dollars?
192
00:06:10,195 --> 00:06:11,715
- You'll get the
other half later.
193
00:06:11,762 --> 00:06:13,812
- Well, I guess I'll be
telling some jokes.
194
00:06:13,851 --> 00:06:14,851
Uh, knock, knock.
195
00:06:14,896 --> 00:06:16,416
Who's there?
196
00:06:16,463 --> 00:06:18,513
Amil.
Amil who?
197
00:06:18,552 --> 00:06:19,772
A million [bleep] dollars!
198
00:06:19,814 --> 00:06:21,644
Open up the door, [bleep].
199
00:06:21,685 --> 00:06:23,555
♪
200
00:06:30,128 --> 00:06:32,608
I guess I'm gonna give you
all the corporate material.
201
00:06:32,653 --> 00:06:34,743
[laughs]
Hey, I had a napkin siting on
202
00:06:34,785 --> 00:06:35,915
the table the other day.
203
00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:37,050
And I said, "Why is this
napkin "so still?
204
00:06:37,092 --> 00:06:39,492
"You know what?
I need to make it dance."
205
00:06:39,529 --> 00:06:40,489
So you know what I did?
206
00:06:40,530 --> 00:06:42,140
I put a little boogie in it.
207
00:06:42,184 --> 00:06:44,934
- [silence]
208
00:06:44,969 --> 00:06:46,449
- Boogie.
209
00:06:46,493 --> 00:06:48,673
Boogie is dancing,
so I put it in-
210
00:06:48,712 --> 00:06:49,932
- At least he's dressed
appropriately for his own damn
211
00:06:49,974 --> 00:06:51,724
funeral.
212
00:06:51,759 --> 00:06:54,499
- If it was me, I would do my
pickle joke.
213
00:06:54,544 --> 00:06:55,554
- Really?
- It's a perfect crowd.
214
00:06:55,589 --> 00:06:57,549
- Oh, okay.
You all want the edgy stuff.
215
00:06:57,591 --> 00:06:59,511
Me and the girl was
hanging out, man.
216
00:06:59,549 --> 00:07:00,859
And you know thing got a little
hot and heavy, so I pulled out
217
00:07:00,898 --> 00:07:02,728
my pickle.
218
00:07:02,770 --> 00:07:03,900
- Don't do it, Kevin.
219
00:07:03,945 --> 00:07:04,855
- You know what she had the
nerve to say?
220
00:07:04,902 --> 00:07:07,172
- Don't do it.
- What's the deal?
221
00:07:07,209 --> 00:07:09,169
- MAN: You suck!
222
00:07:09,211 --> 00:07:10,601
- That's not how it goes.
223
00:07:10,647 --> 00:07:13,167
When I tell it, because it's my
joke, it's different.
224
00:07:13,215 --> 00:07:14,605
- It's my joke.
225
00:07:14,651 --> 00:07:15,611
- It's my joke.
- That's my joke.
226
00:07:15,652 --> 00:07:16,612
- That's my pickle joke, Kevin.
227
00:07:16,653 --> 00:07:18,003
- The pickle is my [bleep].
228
00:07:18,046 --> 00:07:21,566
- [crowd oohs]
- Oh God.
229
00:07:21,615 --> 00:07:24,135
♪
230
00:07:24,182 --> 00:07:25,622
- That's what happen.
231
00:07:25,662 --> 00:07:26,272
When you ain't funny,
that's what happen.
232
00:07:26,315 --> 00:07:28,055
[laughs]
- Whatever, man.
233
00:07:28,099 --> 00:07:29,619
- Look at this way, Kevin.
234
00:07:29,666 --> 00:07:31,146
At least you got a chance to
wear that tuxedo you bought for
235
00:07:31,189 --> 00:07:32,799
the Oscar's you never hosted.
236
00:07:32,843 --> 00:07:34,503
[laughs]
- Shut up, man.
237
00:07:34,541 --> 00:07:35,761
- I don't know why
you riding him.
238
00:07:35,803 --> 00:07:36,763
He got a million dollars
for a bad set.
239
00:07:36,804 --> 00:07:38,024
- Thank you.
240
00:07:38,066 --> 00:07:39,936
- A million dollars, damn.
241
00:07:39,981 --> 00:07:40,811
I need to start writing jokes.
242
00:07:40,851 --> 00:07:42,071
- Oh, you already do.
243
00:07:42,113 --> 00:07:42,853
I heard your last album.
244
00:07:42,897 --> 00:07:43,847
Boing!
245
00:07:43,898 --> 00:07:44,858
Ba-boing!
246
00:07:44,899 --> 00:07:46,769
- But imagine this.
247
00:07:46,814 --> 00:07:48,864
How much money would she have
paid for a real funny comic like
248
00:07:48,903 --> 00:07:50,123
myself?
249
00:07:50,165 --> 00:07:51,165
[phone ringing]
- JB, shut up.
250
00:07:51,209 --> 00:07:52,909
Don't nobody wanna
hear that mess.
251
00:07:52,950 --> 00:07:54,170
Hello?
252
00:07:54,212 --> 00:07:55,742
Uh, yeah.
253
00:07:55,779 --> 00:07:58,519
Yeah, no, I will.
254
00:07:58,565 --> 00:07:59,515
Okay, I'll see you then.
255
00:08:01,089 --> 00:08:03,129
- Who that?
- That was Claire.
256
00:08:03,178 --> 00:08:04,658
I left my scarf.
257
00:08:04,701 --> 00:08:05,961
She wanna meet for lunch
so I can pick it up.
258
00:08:06,007 --> 00:08:06,787
- I think she wants to
give him another shot.
259
00:08:06,834 --> 00:08:08,014
- In his ass.
260
00:08:08,052 --> 00:08:09,012
- Hey, man, shut up, Nelly.
261
00:08:09,053 --> 00:08:10,533
- Listen, listen.
262
00:08:10,577 --> 00:08:13,537
She didn't have to arrange a
lunch in this scarf exchange.
263
00:08:13,580 --> 00:08:15,710
She wants to pound some Kevin
Hart.
264
00:08:15,756 --> 00:08:17,576
- Hey, if that's the case, you
know what that means?
265
00:08:17,627 --> 00:08:18,847
It means I'm about to get me a
bazillionaire.
266
00:08:18,889 --> 00:08:20,149
- Mmm.
267
00:08:20,195 --> 00:08:21,675
- But you got to have
your [bleep] together.
268
00:08:21,718 --> 00:08:23,238
- Together.
269
00:08:23,285 --> 00:08:25,105
- Claire Rockefeller Johnson is
not gonna date just anybody.
270
00:08:25,156 --> 00:08:26,106
- What does that mean?
271
00:08:26,157 --> 00:08:27,807
- You gotta come correct.
272
00:08:27,855 --> 00:08:29,805
You have to have etiquette.
273
00:08:29,857 --> 00:08:30,677
- What?
274
00:08:30,727 --> 00:08:31,727
Do you know what
etiquette is, Kevin Hart?
275
00:08:31,772 --> 00:08:35,992
♪
276
00:08:36,037 --> 00:08:37,257
- Okay.
- Okay, now focus, man.
277
00:08:37,299 --> 00:08:39,909
You eat the salad with the
little salad fork.
278
00:08:39,954 --> 00:08:41,134
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
279
00:08:41,172 --> 00:08:43,002
First of all, Claire does not
like salad.
280
00:08:43,044 --> 00:08:44,094
She's a very picky eater.
281
00:08:44,132 --> 00:08:45,132
- How you know what?
- I looked it up.
282
00:08:45,176 --> 00:08:46,696
She's picky.
Picky, picky.
283
00:08:46,743 --> 00:08:48,273
- You're distracting from the
process, okay?
284
00:08:48,310 --> 00:08:50,570
You're making this very hard.
You don't know what she like.
285
00:08:50,617 --> 00:08:52,967
- Why don't we talk about what
to do when the Sommelier
286
00:08:53,010 --> 00:08:54,970
approaches with the wines?
287
00:08:55,012 --> 00:08:57,842
- Stop, stop.
She's from Homey Hills, okay?
288
00:08:57,885 --> 00:09:00,625
Now Somalia is a small country
in South America somewhere.
289
00:09:00,670 --> 00:09:01,720
They got faces like you.
290
00:09:01,758 --> 00:09:02,758
They got bodies like JB.
291
00:09:02,803 --> 00:09:04,023
- He doesn't mean Somalia.
292
00:09:04,065 --> 00:09:05,755
Sommelier, that's the wine guy.
293
00:09:05,806 --> 00:09:07,286
- He's the one who
provides the aperitifs.
294
00:09:07,329 --> 00:09:08,589
- Exactly.
295
00:09:08,635 --> 00:09:09,975
- What do I need a
pair of teeth for?
296
00:09:10,027 --> 00:09:11,157
Only person here that need a
pair of teeth is Coleman
297
00:09:11,202 --> 00:09:12,162
in the morning.
298
00:09:12,203 --> 00:09:13,993
- Oh.
- Come on, guys.
299
00:09:14,031 --> 00:09:15,901
- I don't know why I
volunteered to help Kevin.
300
00:09:15,946 --> 00:09:18,816
I'd be better off trying to
teach a penguin to slap box.
301
00:09:18,862 --> 00:09:21,082
♪
302
00:09:26,914 --> 00:09:28,264
- He's cool.
303
00:09:28,306 --> 00:09:30,866
I'm so-oh.
- Just-Kevin, just relax.
304
00:09:30,918 --> 00:09:31,788
Be yourself.
- Be myself?
305
00:09:31,832 --> 00:09:32,792
- Mm-hmm.
306
00:09:32,833 --> 00:09:34,273
- I was hoping
you would say that.
307
00:09:34,312 --> 00:09:35,752
I really was.
308
00:09:35,792 --> 00:09:37,052
Okay.
- No, no.
309
00:09:37,098 --> 00:09:38,098
- Five second rule.
310
00:09:38,142 --> 00:09:39,712
- Don't eat that.
311
00:09:39,753 --> 00:09:41,673
- Okay, my bad.
I'm sorry.
312
00:09:41,711 --> 00:09:43,711
- So, do you know why
I invited you back?
313
00:09:43,757 --> 00:09:45,147
- To get my scarf, right?
314
00:09:45,193 --> 00:09:46,933
- The truth is, I find you...
315
00:09:46,977 --> 00:09:48,807
charming.
316
00:09:48,849 --> 00:09:52,809
And once I saw you shirtless ...knew I wanted to spend more
317
00:09:52,853 --> 00:09:53,903
time with you.
318
00:09:53,941 --> 00:09:55,031
- I don't blame you.
319
00:09:55,072 --> 00:09:57,212
[laughs]
320
00:09:57,248 --> 00:10:00,078
Working out, you
know, basically gym.
321
00:10:00,121 --> 00:10:03,821
♪
322
00:10:03,864 --> 00:10:06,044
- Well, that's-that's
something else right there.
323
00:10:06,083 --> 00:10:08,653
You got a-oh, God.
324
00:10:11,828 --> 00:10:12,918
- Care to see who's on the
dessert menu tonight?
325
00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:16,010
[crash]
326
00:10:16,050 --> 00:10:18,880
- That's my stuff.
327
00:10:18,922 --> 00:10:21,102
- You're aggressive, ain't ya?
328
00:10:21,142 --> 00:10:22,102
- Stop talking.
329
00:10:23,927 --> 00:10:25,667
- I knew she couldn't resist
this heavy artillery.
330
00:10:25,712 --> 00:10:27,062
Like Barack.
331
00:10:27,104 --> 00:10:29,374
I'm about to put boots
on the ground.
332
00:10:29,411 --> 00:10:30,981
Her boots.
333
00:10:31,021 --> 00:10:32,681
Wait, no.
334
00:10:32,719 --> 00:10:33,679
That means I'm not getting any.
335
00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:34,760
Her boots gotta be in the air.
336
00:10:34,808 --> 00:10:36,718
But then she would
still be dressed.
337
00:10:36,766 --> 00:10:38,376
Ooh.
Here it is.
338
00:10:38,420 --> 00:10:41,860
- I'm gonna eat you for
breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
339
00:10:41,902 --> 00:10:45,952
- [moaning]
340
00:10:45,993 --> 00:10:47,953
I need it.
I gotta get it.
341
00:10:47,995 --> 00:10:48,945
- Wait.
- I gotta get it.
342
00:10:48,996 --> 00:10:50,426
No, no, no.
343
00:10:50,475 --> 00:10:51,125
- Before we got any further,
there's I need you to sign.
344
00:10:51,172 --> 00:10:52,912
- What?
345
00:10:52,956 --> 00:10:54,216
- It's a confidentiality
agreement with a few provisions.
346
00:10:54,262 --> 00:10:54,962
- I don't got that much
time while it's up.
347
00:10:55,002 --> 00:10:55,702
Come on.
348
00:10:55,742 --> 00:10:56,702
We got to go.
349
00:10:56,743 --> 00:10:58,793
♪
350
00:11:05,229 --> 00:11:06,749
- A little bite.
351
00:11:06,796 --> 00:11:10,366
- [laughing]
- Let's get to it, madam.
352
00:11:10,408 --> 00:11:13,978
- [speaking French]
- Lexus.
353
00:11:14,021 --> 00:11:17,071
[chuckles] Oh.
354
00:11:17,111 --> 00:11:19,201
All right.
355
00:11:19,243 --> 00:11:21,723
Maybe it's just because they
gold I don't-I tell you what.
356
00:11:21,768 --> 00:11:23,378
I'm just gotta use a pair of
teeth to eat this.
357
00:11:23,421 --> 00:11:24,731
Okay?
358
00:11:24,771 --> 00:11:26,561
Mm, I like the way
it's sliding off the muffin.
359
00:11:26,598 --> 00:11:28,428
That's-
[phone buzzes]
360
00:11:28,470 --> 00:11:31,170
- Shoot.
Hold on a second.
361
00:11:31,212 --> 00:11:33,002
Oh [bleep].
362
00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:34,820
Hey, babe, I'm sorry,
I'm gotta go.
363
00:11:34,868 --> 00:11:36,518
I gotta go.
- No, no, no, you can't.
364
00:11:36,565 --> 00:11:38,085
I'm hosting my fundraising gala
for my billionaire associates,
365
00:11:38,132 --> 00:11:39,742
the Coke brothers, tonight.
366
00:11:39,786 --> 00:11:41,696
- Okay, first of all, when did
brothers start slinging
367
00:11:41,744 --> 00:11:42,704
drugs again?
368
00:11:42,745 --> 00:11:44,305
Second of all, babe, I gotta go.
369
00:11:44,355 --> 00:11:45,395
I got a table read.
370
00:11:45,443 --> 00:11:46,753
I'm doing a movie
in like a month.
371
00:11:46,793 --> 00:11:48,533
- You obviously haven't
read the C.A. you signed.
372
00:11:48,577 --> 00:11:51,097
Your time is my time.
373
00:11:51,145 --> 00:11:52,705
Besides, your movie's being
shut down anyway.
374
00:11:52,755 --> 00:11:54,095
- What did you say?
375
00:11:54,148 --> 00:11:56,058
- I had one of my subsidiary
companies pull financing.
376
00:11:56,106 --> 00:11:58,406
You were spending too much
time on that silly movie.
377
00:11:58,456 --> 00:12:00,196
- Wait, you had one of the
subsid-okay, we'll get back to
378
00:12:00,241 --> 00:12:01,631
that word later.
379
00:12:01,677 --> 00:12:03,067
What do you mean you
had it shut down?
380
00:12:03,113 --> 00:12:04,073
- Don't worry.
381
00:12:04,114 --> 00:12:05,254
You'll be paid for
your services.
382
00:12:05,289 --> 00:12:07,729
- No, no, no, stop, stop.
383
00:12:07,770 --> 00:12:09,510
Not after that.
Now I'm calling Trina.
384
00:12:09,554 --> 00:12:12,254
I need to figure this out.
385
00:12:12,296 --> 00:12:14,816
- The contract also states no
electronic devices when we're
386
00:12:14,864 --> 00:12:17,524
together, except for the ones in
my drawer, of course.
387
00:12:17,562 --> 00:12:19,392
[laughing]
388
00:12:19,434 --> 00:12:21,614
- Okay, looky here, Nina Brown,
even if I were to go to your
389
00:12:21,653 --> 00:12:24,313
little drug dealer ball, I would
have to get a tux.
390
00:12:24,352 --> 00:12:25,402
I don't have one here.
391
00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:26,700
- Well, that's okay.
392
00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:29,436
I had my tailor flown in from
Savoy Row London.
393
00:12:29,487 --> 00:12:30,487
- Where you just come from?
394
00:12:30,532 --> 00:12:32,012
Wait, hey, man,
get off of me, Jack.
395
00:12:32,055 --> 00:12:33,615
You're not-you're
not listening.
396
00:12:33,665 --> 00:12:36,355
I have a movie that
I'm doing in a month.
397
00:12:36,407 --> 00:12:39,017
I need-listen, if you're gonna
do that action, give me a little
398
00:12:39,062 --> 00:12:40,112
break in the bottom.
399
00:12:40,150 --> 00:12:41,200
That's how I like it to fit.
400
00:12:41,238 --> 00:12:42,718
I don't even have shoes.
401
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:45,902
- Oh, well, I had my cobbler
carve out a spectacular pair.
402
00:12:45,939 --> 00:12:47,239
I think you'll like them.
403
00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:50,470
- Oh my damn.
404
00:12:50,508 --> 00:12:51,158
Oh God.
405
00:12:51,205 --> 00:12:52,415
Oh, these are shiny.
406
00:12:52,467 --> 00:12:53,467
- Yeah, they're black diamonds.
407
00:12:53,511 --> 00:12:55,341
- For my feet?
- Mm.
408
00:12:55,383 --> 00:12:56,863
- [laughs] [bleep].
409
00:12:56,906 --> 00:12:58,036
Oh, Nick, you think you're
balling because you put a couple
410
00:12:58,081 --> 00:13:00,081
of diamonds in your
penny loafers.
411
00:13:00,127 --> 00:13:02,477
Well, guess what?
My shoes are diamonds, Nick.
412
00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:04,310
That's right.
I'm Snow White.
413
00:13:04,348 --> 00:13:05,348
I meant Cinderella.
414
00:13:05,393 --> 00:13:08,053
Wait.
Who is the girl with the shoe?
415
00:13:08,091 --> 00:13:10,921
♪
416
00:13:13,836 --> 00:13:15,796
- All I'm saying is she's
trying to turn you into one
417
00:13:15,838 --> 00:13:17,318
of her employees.
418
00:13:17,361 --> 00:13:19,101
- I was just hoping you would
get in there and hook me up.
419
00:13:19,146 --> 00:13:20,276
You did mention my name, right?
420
00:13:20,321 --> 00:13:21,371
- No, I ain't mention
your damn name.
421
00:13:21,409 --> 00:13:22,579
- You didn't mention my name?
422
00:13:22,627 --> 00:13:23,537
- What part of no don't you
understand, JB?
423
00:13:23,585 --> 00:13:24,585
The N or the O?
No!
424
00:13:24,629 --> 00:13:25,939
- [bleep] you, Kevin.
425
00:13:25,979 --> 00:13:26,979
- We're just trying to
understand, man, why the hell
426
00:13:27,023 --> 00:13:29,113
you ain't been showing
up to workout.
427
00:13:29,156 --> 00:13:31,156
No poker, no Taco Tuesdays,
nothing, man.
428
00:13:31,201 --> 00:13:32,721
What's up?
429
00:13:32,768 --> 00:13:35,678
- All because of a damn
contract.
430
00:13:35,727 --> 00:13:36,687
- How you know about that?
431
00:13:36,728 --> 00:13:38,078
- That's how powerful
women roll.
432
00:13:38,121 --> 00:13:39,251
I've been with a few.
433
00:13:39,296 --> 00:13:40,856
- Yeah, she Oprah-fying
that ass.
434
00:13:40,907 --> 00:13:42,517
- Don't nobody own me.
- No, not yet.
435
00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:44,650
- You gonna be a little
chocolate Stedman in a week.
436
00:13:44,693 --> 00:13:46,433
- You don't do right by people,
you're gonna end up in a little
437
00:13:46,477 --> 00:13:47,607
corner by yourself.
438
00:13:47,652 --> 00:13:48,702
- Oh, shut up, JB.
439
00:13:48,740 --> 00:13:49,700
- Got my heartrate all high.
440
00:13:49,741 --> 00:13:51,131
- KEVIN: All right.
- At 275.
441
00:13:51,178 --> 00:13:54,268
- KEVIN: All right.
- At 276, 279, 302.
442
00:13:54,311 --> 00:13:55,531
- This dumb-look at
this dumb-
443
00:13:55,573 --> 00:13:56,793
- You're gonna kill me,
Kevin Hart!
444
00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:58,096
- That your heart rate, JB?
445
00:13:58,141 --> 00:13:59,881
- That's my heartrate
right now, 402!
446
00:13:59,926 --> 00:14:01,316
- That's the [bleep]
damn calories.
447
00:14:01,362 --> 00:14:02,322
- What?
448
00:14:02,363 --> 00:14:05,113
- Your heartrate's over here.
449
00:14:05,148 --> 00:14:07,318
You got to be-I swear.
450
00:14:07,368 --> 00:14:11,328
- This must be the new model,
because...last time they had a-
451
00:14:11,372 --> 00:14:15,512
♪
452
00:14:15,550 --> 00:14:17,250
- What it do?
453
00:14:17,291 --> 00:14:18,811
Got you.
454
00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:20,118
What's up?
You wanted to see me.
455
00:14:20,163 --> 00:14:22,343
- Yes.
456
00:14:22,383 --> 00:14:24,653
You actually signed this?
457
00:14:24,689 --> 00:14:26,299
- Yeah, it's just a simple D.A.
agreement.
458
00:14:26,343 --> 00:14:28,303
- No, it's a C.A.
459
00:14:28,345 --> 00:14:29,955
It's a confid-never mind.
460
00:14:29,999 --> 00:14:33,739
Okay, Claire Johnson
now owns you.
461
00:14:33,785 --> 00:14:34,735
- What you talking about?
462
00:14:34,786 --> 00:14:35,826
Don't nobody own
Kevin Hart, baby.
463
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:37,305
- Actually, plenty of
people own you.
464
00:14:37,354 --> 00:14:38,754
Sony, Universal, Paramount.
465
00:14:38,790 --> 00:14:42,750
By the way, you've just missed
two weeks of shooting on
466
00:14:42,794 --> 00:14:43,754
"Ride Along 3."
467
00:14:43,795 --> 00:14:45,275
- Yeah, yeah, no, no.
468
00:14:45,319 --> 00:14:46,149
I told 'em to go ahead and shoot
Cube's scene, then CGG me
469
00:14:46,189 --> 00:14:48,539
in later.
470
00:14:48,583 --> 00:14:50,723
- There's not going
to be any later.
471
00:14:54,371 --> 00:14:55,501
What's going on with you?
472
00:14:55,546 --> 00:14:56,496
- I'm in love.
473
00:14:56,547 --> 00:14:57,847
- Oh, you're in love?
474
00:14:57,897 --> 00:14:59,457
- KEVIN: Yes.
475
00:14:59,507 --> 00:15:01,897
- [laughs] What do you
know about love?
476
00:15:01,944 --> 00:15:02,684
- I know that it has
about $25 billion.
477
00:15:02,727 --> 00:15:04,207
- Uh-huh.
478
00:15:04,251 --> 00:15:06,211
- Hey, did you know that the
Coke brothers don't sling Coke.
479
00:15:06,253 --> 00:15:07,523
- Crazy.
480
00:15:07,558 --> 00:15:10,258
Um, look, I'm talking
to you as your friend.
481
00:15:10,300 --> 00:15:12,220
- Mm-hmm.
- Not lawyer.
482
00:15:12,259 --> 00:15:13,699
I'm a little worried about you.
483
00:15:13,738 --> 00:15:15,258
I think you should
be careful, okay?
484
00:15:15,305 --> 00:15:16,475
I don't wanna see you get hurt.
485
00:15:16,524 --> 00:15:17,794
- Oh, no.
486
00:15:17,829 --> 00:15:20,529
- What?
- This is so cute.
487
00:15:20,571 --> 00:15:21,791
[laughs] Oh my God.
488
00:15:21,833 --> 00:15:23,443
You're jealous.
- Clearly, you-what?
489
00:15:23,487 --> 00:15:24,447
- You're jealous.
490
00:15:24,488 --> 00:15:27,268
- [laughing] Of?
491
00:15:27,317 --> 00:15:29,887
- I knew Wayne wasn't
curling them toes right.
492
00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:31,889
- Wayne is definitely curling
these toes, don't-
493
00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:33,761
- Whoa.
What are we talking about?
494
00:15:33,802 --> 00:15:35,462
♪
495
00:15:43,681 --> 00:15:46,471
man, there are parts of him
which are not small, if you know
496
00:15:46,510 --> 00:15:47,640
what I mean.
497
00:15:47,685 --> 00:15:49,765
- [laughing]
- Kevin, you know I know he's
498
00:15:49,818 --> 00:15:53,518
dumb as a box of Enron stocks,
but he keeps me entertained.
499
00:15:53,561 --> 00:15:54,951
- WOMAN: How's the sex?
500
00:15:54,997 --> 00:15:56,777
- Surprisingly quite wonderful
for the few seconds
501
00:15:56,825 --> 00:15:57,775
that it lasts.
502
00:15:57,826 --> 00:15:59,606
- ALL: [laughing]
503
00:15:59,654 --> 00:16:01,224
- You've kept him around a
lot longer than most.
504
00:16:01,264 --> 00:16:02,574
Does he have an expiration date?
505
00:16:02,613 --> 00:16:04,223
- I'm getting quite
bored, actually.
506
00:16:04,267 --> 00:16:06,097
Anyway, I found a new boy toy.
507
00:16:06,139 --> 00:16:07,659
- [gasps]
You're kidding?
508
00:16:07,705 --> 00:16:08,655
- When he's come in?
509
00:16:08,706 --> 00:16:09,706
- Any day now.
510
00:16:09,751 --> 00:16:10,711
And you can have my leftovers,
girls.
511
00:16:10,752 --> 00:16:12,622
- WOMAN: Oh, please.
512
00:16:12,667 --> 00:16:13,967
- What can I say?
513
00:16:14,016 --> 00:16:18,976
I collect fine art, fine wine,
and fine young men.
514
00:16:19,021 --> 00:16:20,851
- Oh, it's like that?
Okay.
515
00:16:20,892 --> 00:16:21,982
Look, I might have bombed the
last time I performed in front
516
00:16:22,024 --> 00:16:23,724
of the one percent.
517
00:16:23,765 --> 00:16:27,765
But tonight, the only bombs are
gonna be the ones I'm dropping.
518
00:16:27,812 --> 00:16:29,902
Kay-kaw!
519
00:16:29,945 --> 00:16:32,295
[bleep] was that?
520
00:16:32,339 --> 00:16:33,689
- [feedback buzzes]
- Sorry to interrupt your
521
00:16:33,731 --> 00:16:34,951
party, people.
522
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:36,734
There's an awful smell
in this room right now.
523
00:16:36,778 --> 00:16:38,818
Does anybody else smell it?
524
00:16:38,867 --> 00:16:39,907
No?
525
00:16:39,955 --> 00:16:41,035
- [sniffs]
- It smells like a bunch of
526
00:16:41,087 --> 00:16:43,087
fake-ass people.
527
00:16:43,132 --> 00:16:46,182
♪
528
00:16:47,223 --> 00:16:49,273
- [audience laughing]
529
00:16:49,312 --> 00:16:51,972
- You know-you know, Claire,
I'm actually-I wanna invest in
530
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:55,101
some laxatives for you and
all your fake-ass friends.
531
00:16:55,144 --> 00:16:56,584
That's what I wanna do.
532
00:16:56,624 --> 00:17:00,724
- [audience laughing]
- Now I know why you all never
533
00:17:00,758 --> 00:17:02,108
got my jokes.
534
00:17:02,151 --> 00:17:03,811
It's because your asses are so
tight that your faces
535
00:17:03,848 --> 00:17:04,848
can't move.
536
00:17:04,893 --> 00:17:06,333
That's why.
537
00:17:06,373 --> 00:17:12,163
- [audience laughing]
- You know, no matter how much
538
00:17:12,205 --> 00:17:14,945
money I get, I'm never going to
spend time with any
539
00:17:14,990 --> 00:17:15,690
of you people.
540
00:17:15,730 --> 00:17:17,250
Never.
541
00:17:17,297 --> 00:17:18,687
Matter of fact, Claire, you can
kiss my black ass goodbye
542
00:17:18,733 --> 00:17:19,693
tonight.
543
00:17:19,734 --> 00:17:20,744
You hear me?
544
00:17:20,778 --> 00:17:24,828
- [audience laughing]
- Okay.
545
00:17:24,869 --> 00:17:27,699
In closing, I just wanna tell
all of you to go [bleep]
546
00:17:27,742 --> 00:17:29,182
yourselves.
547
00:17:29,222 --> 00:17:36,582
- [audience laughing]
- No, no, no, wait.
548
00:17:36,620 --> 00:17:37,580
You can't go.
549
00:17:37,621 --> 00:17:38,751
This is the funniest
I've seen you.
550
00:17:38,796 --> 00:17:40,316
- Uh, you can't afford
me, Claire.
551
00:17:40,363 --> 00:17:42,023
- I'll pay you double.
552
00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:43,321
- Double my ass.
553
00:17:43,366 --> 00:17:44,716
- Triple.
554
00:17:44,759 --> 00:17:48,069
- [sighs]
Triple it is.
555
00:17:48,110 --> 00:17:51,590
- [applause]
- Hey!
556
00:17:51,635 --> 00:17:53,115
I'm back.
557
00:17:53,159 --> 00:17:54,329
Why do I feel like I'm at a
Tupperware party with all this
558
00:17:54,377 --> 00:17:56,677
damn plastic surgery
in the room?
559
00:17:56,727 --> 00:18:01,037
- [audience laughing]
- I'm talking about you, lady!
560
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,600
Because your face is saggy.
561
00:18:02,646 --> 00:18:03,646
[bleep] is stupid.
562
00:18:03,691 --> 00:18:05,131
[laughs] This is great.
563
00:18:05,171 --> 00:18:07,171
Triple.
I'm not playing.
564
00:18:07,216 --> 00:18:10,256
♪
565
00:18:10,306 --> 00:18:12,526
- Yeah, Kev, man, I know what
it's like to lose your girl.
566
00:18:12,569 --> 00:18:14,349
I went through the same thing
when the champ lost his.
567
00:18:14,397 --> 00:18:15,747
- Ouch.
- Wait a minute.
568
00:18:15,790 --> 00:18:17,100
- Let it go.
Who's your writer?
569
00:18:17,139 --> 00:18:17,919
[unintelligible].
570
00:18:17,966 --> 00:18:19,526
- I don't pity you.
571
00:18:19,576 --> 00:18:21,356
You couldn't have introduced a
brother before you [bleep] it up
572
00:18:21,404 --> 00:18:22,884
for everybody else?
573
00:18:22,927 --> 00:18:24,317
- JB, look, I didn't want to
hurt your feeling, but I'm just
574
00:18:24,364 --> 00:18:25,714
gonna come out and say it.
575
00:18:25,756 --> 00:18:27,716
The woman did not ask about you.
576
00:18:27,758 --> 00:18:29,928
To be honest, JB, she thinks
you're weird.
577
00:18:29,978 --> 00:18:31,888
- She didn't say that.
- She did say it.
578
00:18:31,936 --> 00:18:33,586
- There's no way in hell she
said that, Kevin!
579
00:18:33,634 --> 00:18:35,244
- There is a way in hell.
- Claire did not say that!
580
00:18:35,288 --> 00:18:36,678
You're a hater, man!
- I'm not hating.
581
00:18:36,724 --> 00:18:38,294
I'm telling you
what Claire said.
582
00:18:38,334 --> 00:18:39,644
- After all the [bleep]
I did for you!
583
00:18:39,683 --> 00:18:40,993
- You didn't do nothing for me.
584
00:18:41,032 --> 00:18:42,382
- [screeching] All
that stuff for you!
585
00:18:42,425 --> 00:18:43,375
- JB!
586
00:18:43,426 --> 00:18:44,506
- [indistinct yelling]
587
00:18:44,558 --> 00:18:46,468
- I did the joke, because
it's my joke.
588
00:18:46,516 --> 00:18:49,076
- Look me right in the
face and you still did it!
589
00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:51,388
- Let go of the pickle joke!
- Don't touch me, Arsenio!
590
00:18:51,434 --> 00:18:52,654
- Oh, shoot!
591
00:18:52,696 --> 00:18:53,736
- Agh!
592
00:18:58,746 --> 00:19:01,176
- You done got the Hulk wet.
593
00:19:01,227 --> 00:19:02,707
- JB, if you wasn't my boy.
594
00:19:02,750 --> 00:19:04,060
Mm.
595
00:19:04,099 --> 00:19:07,489
Kevin, you got any grown-folks
clothes in the back?
596
00:19:09,539 --> 00:19:10,499
- You see this [bleep]?
597
00:19:10,540 --> 00:19:11,720
- Damn shame.
Still sagging at 40.
598
00:19:11,759 --> 00:19:13,939
- The tattoo, man.
599
00:19:13,978 --> 00:19:18,368
- BOTH: You dirty
mother [bleep]!
600
00:19:18,418 --> 00:19:19,418
- That's it!
601
00:19:19,462 --> 00:19:21,332
♪
42302
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