Original subtitles

- I didn't come here to argue with you.

- Then what are you doing?

- All I'm asking is that you sign this release allowing me to

use our name in my reality show.

- Okay, here's some reality for you, Bridgette.

Hell, no!

- Why not, Kevin?

- What do you mean why not?

Because I'm not giving you the right to drag me or my kids

or my good name through the mud.

- Look, it's not like I'm doin' "Love and Hip Hop"

or "Basketball Wives."

My reality show is gonna be classy.

No fighting-unless, of course, it's absolutely necessary

and one of those heifers comes up in my face disrespectin' me

and then I'ma pop off and we all know when Bridgette pops off,

[bleep] goes ka-bam!

♪ This is the life This is the life ♪

♪ We got the life We got the life ♪

♪ This is the city Where we party ♪

♪ Every night Party every night ♪

♪ You and me Down and to go ♪

♪ Welcome to Hollywood Welcome to Hollywood ♪

- I'm not signin' no release, no, no.

- [sobbing] - Bridgette, don't start that.

I'm not-

- Oh, Kevin...

- KEVIN: [sighing] - Why?

I have always been there for you.

When they first pulled you off the stage, who was in

the front row?

- That's right, you were there and you were [bleep] booing.

- But, wait, wait, who was your inspiration

for your best jokes?

- Well, I mean, you are a walkin' punchline, so...

- That's right, Kevin.

I have been your muse.

- Oh, stop it.

- I have always had faith in you, now just have a little

bit of faith in me.

Like Jay-Z and Beyoncé, we can get this money together.

- First of all, just because you woke up like that,

does not make you Beyoncé, okay?

- Rude.

- Second of all, I don't know why in the hell somebody

would give you a TV show-

- Because I have 17 million views on my YouTube vlog.

I am telling you, Kevin, I am the next one.

- No, she is the next one.

So, why don't you go head and vlog about that?

Here you go, baby.

There you go.

Oh, don't start.

- Your track glue is meltin'.

I don't know who you are.

You're just somethin' in the way.

- Listen, okay- - Who told you to-

Stop lookin' me in my eye!

Move on me.

- KEVIN: Don't move.

- Move on me.

[imitates chomping]

- Unh-unh, unh-unh.

- So, that's the way it is?

- Yes, Bridgette.

- Cut the cameras off.

- What, you filmin' this [bleep]?

- You're damn right I'm filming this [bleep].

- This is...this is not good.

- Now listen to me.

You got two choices, [bleep].

You either sign this release sayin' that I can use our name

in my show or I'm gonna sign this petition right here to

increase my alimony to a hundred thou a month.

- KEVIN: I really hate the version of Kevin that used

to love her.

What the [bleep] was he thinkin'?

- NELLY: When I told Trina I wanted to endorse a product,

I meant something hot like "Beats by Dre."

But what she came up with, I don't think it's gonna make

me the next hip hop billionaire.

- Headphones weren't hot until Dre started "Beats."

He put his name on them and he wore them

and that's what made them hot.

This is going to be a good thing for you, I promise.

- What are the guys gonna think?

- Don't worry about what they think.

I am telling you that this is a good move, okay?

You're gonna thank me later.

- Are you ready, Nelly?

- Oh.

Do I really have to do this?

- Yes.

Get out there, take your robe off, and show us what you got.

Stop poutin'.

- NELLY: [sighing] - Ooh.

- Nelly, what's this thing about you sellin' manties?

- What? - Manties.

You know what I'm talkin' about.

- He-man socks.

- Ball bras.

- You're just mad 'cause I'm gettin' paid.

- Yeah, dressed like a superhero in your...

♪ Dun Dun Dah Dun - [laughing]

Let me tell ya something.

Whoever paid Nelly's dumb ass to model underwear is about as

stupid as the person that paid Bridgette to do a reality show,

okay?

- NICK: That was me.

- Huh? That was what?

- That was me.

- [bleep] damn it, Nick.

What the [bleep] is your problem, man?

- What do you mean, what's my problem?

- What I mean, what's your problem?

- Cursin' at me.

- I'm cursin' at you because I wanna know what your deal is.

- Think about it-if I get half of her 70 million YouTube

followers who watch the show, I'ma get paid, and if you were

smart, which you're not, you would sign the release

and support her.

- I do support Bridgette.

You know how I support Bridgette?

By giving her 30 grand a month.

- OTHERS: Damn!

- Excuse me? - What?

- Hold up.

For 30 grand, I woulda had your baby, too.

- Boy, you'd have did it for $30.

- First of all, I'm not in the man [bleep].

And judgin' by that thing on your lip, you're not out here

bein' safe.

It's quite the situation.

- I'll tell you what.

Me, personally, I'll sign anything to put money in her

pocket and get her the hell outta mine.

- If the show blows up, you could file for alimony.

- What's what I did.

- KEVIN: You know, those losers have a point.

I'd do anything to get Bridgette outta my pocket.

Now all I gotta do is find a reality show for dumbass

Jackie.

- I take Oliver off the street, I give him a warm meal, a bed

to sleep in, and a Bible on his nightstand and he still

cheats on me.

- Mm-hm. - With a homeless woman.

- Oh, not-a Bible?

See, that's your problem.

You're not nasty enough.

What you need to do is get like a sex swing and then maybe

some porno movies.

Get this one movie.

It's the best movie ever.

It's called "Ride a Doll: 2" and it's basically this dude

that looks like Ice Cube in like a uniform and-

- Uh-huh, I get it. - I use it all the time.

It's the best movie. - So, is your man faithful?

- Oh, hell, naw.

Unh-unh. Unh-unh.

Whenever I catch him, though, he take me shoppin'.

That's how I got this Indian hair right here.

Just that one B-33.

- Perks!

- Yes, girl.

- I'll tell you what.

I looks like you have a bigger budget on this than you did

on your "White Party Music."

- NICK: "White People Party Music."

- You know that saying that big things come in small

packages?

But once you take off your stuff, I realize that small

things come in big packages, too.

- That's disgusting. - Girl, please!

I know that you are not sittin' up here tryin' to act all

prissy, Miss Bootleg Beyoncé.

- What?

- 'Cause we heard about that [bleep] that you had in that dog

collar- - It was role playing.

- Playin' that role [bleep] for free.

- Better than the role of a slut.

- BOTH: What?

- Don't judge me.

Anyway, what about Kevin.

Does he have a big thing in a big package?

- Kevin's always been good to me and to my kids.

He's a decent, hard-working father and despite our marital

problems, I will never speak ill of him.

- This is awful.

I mean, this is like a disaster.

She's so bad.

- Well, she wouldn't be so bad, if you would have signed the

damn release.

- With our without that release signed, she would have been bad.

- You good, Nick?

- I'm good.

- And cut!

- Well, I'm not good.

- Who asked you if you was good?

- Uh...[clearing throat] Ladies, hello.

- Hey, Kev.

- Hi, Kevin.

- Listen, why aren't you home watchin' my kids?

- I don't know, Kevin.

I needed a job 'cause you don't pay me.

- Is it always about money with you?

- It is. It is. It makes the world go round.

- Stop, it's sickening. - No, you make me sick.

- Hey, Jennifer. - Hey.

- You hear about your man's new house?

I heard he got concrete floors.

- Yeah, well, he'll have gold floors when he gets to

the Kingdom.

- Aw...

Somebody mad?

They have some homeless [bleep].

- I hate you, Kevin Hart. - Oh.

- Kevin, what are you doing here?

- Will you just relax, Bridgette.

Damn!

I brought the damn release.

How you all doin'?

If y'all want pictures, we'll take them-

[straining] Ah! God!

- You will not regret this.

- I already did.

I just didn't want to have to pay for it.

- Oh!

- No! No!

You are done. Go!

- Thank you.

- Mm-hm.

- I really appreciate it.

- I feel like I'm breakin' out.

- Great. We are back, people.

Let's take it from your line, Shawty, and...

action!

- What about Kevin?

Does he have a big thing in a big package?

- Girl, put it this way.

His thing would look small in your hands.

- ALL: [hooting, laughing]

this hot dog was as good as hell, man.

Delicious.

- Way better than Dodger dogs.

- Hey, I told you it's good eatin' at the strip club.

You can't beat three dogs for a buck.

- Yeah, but we paid $20,000 on the damn lap dance.

- Oh, come on, man.

You gotta get the lap dance to get the hot dogs.

- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Speaking of hot dog.

Look at this [bleep].

- Oh.

What in the St. Lunadick is that?

- Come on, man, that's ridiculous.

- Are you sellin' drawers or socks?

- No, that's all me, playa.

Actually, I'm on like medium swole right there.

- Looks like he's bendin' the building over a little bit

like this.

- Yeah, I was born with a hook.

- That's ri- [jabbering]

I don't like it. - It's disgusting.

- I don't like it. - I like it.

- WOMEN: Hey, Nelly. - Hey.

- We see you doin' big things.

- Keep watchin'.

Damn!

Trina is a genius.

[bleep].

Oh?

That's the first time I let a lady put nuts in my mouth.

- You know, guys, if y'all don't think Nelly's stuffin'

that turkey, you're crazy.

- Huh? What is he talkin' about?

- You gotta be crazy.

Now if you want the real deal, I can give it to you.

I'm talkin' about this.

That's what's real, huh?

Come on, ladies.

Get a look at it.

Huh? Oh, so I see.

We all afraid of the dragon over here.

Where are you all goin'?

Everybody's gon' leave.

- [bottle clattering] - KEVIN: [bleep].

- Hey, uh, Mandingo, you dropped your bottle of [bleep].

- KEVIN: I don't know- - Kev, what's up, man?

Why you hatin'? - Ain't nobody hatin'.

It's called sabotagin'.

- Hold on him. - Get 'im. Hm?

Did I sabotage or did I sabotage y'all?

[laughing]

- Oh, I know you're not about to drink that.

- Why are you worried about it, Dondre?

Do you want some?

- Are you crazy?

That bottle is balls-hot.

- What is that, Dos Testes?

- [laughing] - KEVIN: [fake laughter]

- Here's to the world's least interesting man.

Stay tiny, my friend.

- That's great writing- - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Kev, Kev, Kev. Check this out.

- MARIO MENOUNOS: I'm with Bridgette Hart.

Now, Bridgette, what will audiences learn about your

life with Kevin Hart?

- That it was a livin' hell, Miss Menudo.

- KEVIN: What the- - BRIDGETTE: He kept me

barefoot in the kitchen all day-which is where he said

pregnant women belong.

- CROWD: [gasping] - Barefooted?

- BRIDGETTE: You know, when I asked him to pay for my

acting lessons, do you know what he said to me?

- No, what?

- He said, "Why don't you act "like a maid and clean this

this house up?"

- CROWD: [gasping]

- BRIDGETTE: And he tied me up and made me watch "SportsCenter"

all day long.

- CROWD: [gasping] - That was a freak [bleep].

- [singing show's theme] Do you hear that?

- Yeah, I...I...I...

- I can't get it outta my head.

- That's awful.

- I've tried so hard to be strong, 'cause we got kids-

me and Kevin Hart.

And they don't know nothin' about the abuse 'cause I tried

to be strong for them.

- Turn that off!

Turn it off!

First of all, I never said nothing about her being no

damn maid, okay?

What I said was, "Act like a tree and leave."

You know what?

I hate to say this- Actually, I don't.

I don't hate to say it, Nick.

This show ain't gon' make it, you know?

It ain't gon' make it-just like your marriage.

That's right.

- NICK: You know what, ladies? He's all yours.

- Yeah, we outta here.

- Oh, you can give me whatever you want.

- See ya, champ. - You on air, too.

- Hope you got some Vaseline for your face.

- Hope you got some cocoa butter for your head.

- I'll be back, Kev.

- Where you goin', Jack? Oh, look at this.

[laughing] Nelly leave.

Now you all want the real.

Why you take your wig off?

Oh, y'all got attitude.

Oh, no, wait- What's this?

I ain't did noth- - WOMEN: [shouting]

- KEVIN: Hey! Hey!

- Looks like hashtag beatthe[bleep]outtakev

is about to be trendin'.

♪ You're awesome

- That's exactly right.

I thought it was just me. They told me I was crazy.

But you heard it, too, right?

- Yes. - They think they're slick.

Next time I see them, I'ma confront them.

I'ma say, hey, if we can be cool, we can be cool.

But if we're gonna be frenemies, bump that-let's just be

enemies, okay, 'cause I don't like that between-

- Bridgette. Bridgette.

[snapping fingers] - I'm sorry, y'all. Snappin'?

You don't see I'm workin' here?

You don't come in here snappin' at me like you crazy-like you

runnin' something.

This is my set.

- Wow, aren't you a tall glass of chocolate milk.

Are you a basketball player?

- Oh, I know what you're thinkin'.

A thimble of Patron and Thumbelina is mine.

- Do you wanna bump phones?

- Yes, I do wanna bump phones.

I'm gon' go ahead and put mine right on top.

- Kevin, what are you doing here?

- Let me talk to you, Bridgette, right now.

- I need you to ask me if you want to talk to me,

how about that?

- Bridgette, get up.

- Excuse me one second. - Would you get up. Come on.

- Ow, I was coming.

I was telling the lady- - Get your ass down.

- I was trying to be polite. Get off my dress.

It's expensive.

- You are making me look like an asshole right now, Bridgette.

- No, boo, that's genetic.

- Oh, you think you're so smart now that you've got your little

TV show, don't you?

- I think I'm smarter than a five-footer.

- You know, you're right.

I am a dumb ass 'cause I signed the release.

- You know what?

Let me tell you something.

You listen good, you little one-trick pony.

I'm gonna ride this little Kevin Hart-is-the-greatest

train until the wheels fall off because we both know you did not

get here by yourself.

I stayed with you and supported your little ass every step of

the way, so if you think I'm just gonna sit around and be the

happy little starter wife while you pop off and lollygag with

your little tropical bitch, then you got another think

comin' and you're stupider than I thought.

- You know what? - What?

- I'ma show you stupid. - Go ahead.

- I'm a show you stupid when I forget to sign these damn

checks every month and you can't pay your mortgage, huh?

Then what, Bridgette? - Oh, really?

Oh, really, Kevin? Well, guess what?

I don't need your checks because I already paid the mortgage.

Excuse me.

- You...you're a liar.

- Cash money, [bleep]!

- Okay, you know what?

- And if my nails weren't wet, I would pull out the receipt

and show you.

- Know what?

- What?

- I think what happens when all that little cash money

you're talkin' about runs out?

That's right, when you need to go get your hair done, and you

wanna go get your shoes.

You with that little iPhone that you were talkin' about.

- Really?

You talkin' about this hair that's already done?

You talkin' about these shoes right here with the red on

the bottom?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Excuse me, my newest iPhone is ringing.

Hello?

Oh, hey!

Yeah, hold on one second.

You are dismissed.

My Jaguar's ready?

Oh... [laughing] I cannot wait.

And you got the chocolate interior like we talked about.

- Hey, chocolate drink boy.

[speaking non-English]

- Call me sometime.

- Oh, I'm gonna call her.

Shortly.

[laughing]

Then she gonna tell me, "I already paid the mortgage."

Can you believe that?

The level of disrespect, like that's so much disrespect, man.

- I don't get it.

Isn't that what you wanted?

- Yeah, man, why are you acting like a mitch?

- Don't call me no mitch. - You're actin' like a mitch.

- No, he's worse than a mitch.

- What am I, Nick?

- You are lower than low.

The scum of the Earth.

- You prey on young girls with low self esteem and you give

them a coupla dollars so they have to rely on you.

- That's right.

In The Loo, we call that a hoe-bilitator.

- [doorbell ringing] - How about you hoe-bilitate

your ass to the door.

- Yeah, all right, Kevin, I'll get the door.

Hey, pizza here!

- Hi, there.

- Hey, how are you?

- I've got pizza.

Extra sausage.

- Sure, no problem.

- You know, I love a lot of sausage, myself.

- Okay.

- You know, I normally don't do this, but I am a big fan.

Can I get a picture with you?

- Sure.

- She probably want a picture with me next.

- Selfie.

About to break out the selfie-

- OTHERS: Oh! - Get out.

- Put that on Dickstagram.

- Here. Keep the change.

- Thanks.

- That's what I'm talkin' about.

Ow!

- Oh, she got a little piece of ass, too.

- [laughing] - That ain't funny, man.

It's gettin' outta hand.

It's just plain harassment now.

- Aw, come on, Nelly.

You know the "tip drill."

- OTHERS: [laughing] - Yeah, you put the "ass"

in "harassment."

- Y'all, look, just because I model underwear don't mean

I gotta be out here givin' up my dignity, man.

I'm an artist, not a piece of meat.

- So say you.

Not according to this big pizza they've just ordered here.

- OTHERS: [groaning]

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm done. I want out, Trina.

I want outta the contract.

- Why? Your face is everywhere.

- Unh-unh, Trina, they're not pinchin' my face.

They're smackin' my ass.

- I thought you wanted to be the next billionaire like Dre.

- Not this way, though, Trina.

- Not this way?

"Nutz by Nelly" is becoming a movement.

Men everywhere are becoming proud of their bulge.

"Nutz by Nelly" is taking the country by the balls.

- It's not true, too, Trina.

- It's not my word.

Check who's on the cover of "American Swag."

- See?

This is what I'm talkin' about.

No, I'm done. I want out.

I'ma keep what little dignity I got left.

- Oh, okay.

So, you don't want the covers of magazines.

- I don't need 'em.

- You don't wanna sponsor a big-name product.

- I don't need 'em.

- I guess you don't want this check that came for you in the

mail today either.

- You think this is gonna change my mind?

- Hm...

- Damn!

My dick-nity is bulging with pride now.

[bleep].

I shoulda been sellin' that a long time ago.

I'll see you later.

Yo, set up the next shoot. I already see it.

We're gonna use brown drawers.

Call 'em "Chocolate Nutz."

- Come on, man.

Always something new.

Always drama in my life.

KEVIN: You know, the guys are right.

Instead of tryin' to hoe-bilitate, I've decided

to congratulate.

What is this?

I thought we said no cameras.

- What about your cameras?

- I turn mine off, you turn yours off.

- You first.

- Why does everything have to be a thing?

- Because it is.

- We cut the cameras off on the count of three.

- Okay.

- One...two...three.

Look, Bridgette, now I know you don't think I want you

to shine.

That's not true.

I am happy for your success, okay?

You worked hard at something. Now it's paying off.

But what you need to understand is that as a man-

- BRIDGETTE: Look, you can just save your boring ass speech.

- KEVIN: First of all, I wasn't finished, Bridgette.

Then I've done forgot what I wanted to say now.

- BRIDGETTE: I'm done with the show.

- KEVIN: That's not what I was gonna say.

Wait, what? What did you just say?

- BRIDGETTE: I'm retiring in a week.

- KEVIN: Yeah! Hell, yeah, you are.

- BRIDGETTE: [muffled] Oh, stop it.

Turn the cameras on!

- Hey! - Turn the cameras on!

- Get off of me. - You get off of me!

- Off of me. - You're on my lap.

- Pullin' me down. - Ah, what's wrong with you?

- What's wrong with you?

How you only been there for two weeks?

Why don't you tell me what your problem is.

- Kevin, get it together. It feels like two years.

They got me wakin' up at the crack of dawn to

be on set and for what?

Money? I don't need that money.

I got ours. Oh!

- Wait, hold on, wait. You got what?

- Our money.

- When'd you start tellin' jokes?

'Cause that's a joke.

Is this a joke right here?

- You know what, Eddie Smurphy, you're real funny.

All I know is Nick is suing both of us.

You shouldn't have signed that release.

- Bridgette, have you lost your reality-ass mind?

Have you?

- Don't make me embarrass you on regional TV.

- Bridgette, I married you.

Ain't nothin' more embarrassin' than that.

- You stop playin'. - I'm not playin'.

- You are playin'. - I'm not playin'.

- You're trippin'. - Okay.

- Okay? - All right.

- Just pull out your little Spider Man checkbook

and put your "X" on it.

Let's be done with this.

- Spider man, my ass.

I got a Ninja Turtle.

- Let's go, big sexy.

- Ooh! Woo!

[laughing]

Cut the cameras off!

[laughing]

I'm about to get up in that shell.

♪