All language subtitles for Real.Husbands.Of.Hollywood.S04E10_English

- [muttering sleepily]
Sandwich.

Get over there and
let me get it.

Can't nobody save me now.

KEVIN: You know, when you're a big-time Hollywood star

like me, the two things you value most are

your friends and your sleep.

[doorbell ringing]

- Go away!

[doorbell ringing]

- [groaning] Wait.

- [doorbell ringing repeatedly]

- KEVIN: But with Duane,

you wish you could just have
your friends put to sleep.

♪ This is the life This is the life ♪

♪ We got the life We got the life ♪

♪ This is the city Where we party ♪

♪ Every night Party every night ♪

♪ You and me Down and to go ♪

♪ Welcome to Hollywood Welcome to Hollywood ♪

[doorbell ringing]

- Come on, dawg.
Whaddup, baby?

Y'all, I so
am so glad you're up.

Listen, I need a huge
favor from you.

- Shank, it's 3:00 in
the [bleep] damn morning and you

come here dressed like you
[bleep] doin' Wild Wild West 2.

I don't know what's goin' on.

Let me guess-Tisha
done kicked you out again.

- No, no, no.
- Is that what it is?

- No, I got-

- Oh, my God, you're
sellin' Mane 'n Tail.

- Yes. I mean, no.
- What?

- It's a long story, Kevin.

I just need somewhere to stash
my new client, Camilo,

for the night.

- Hola, Señor Ride Along.

- Are you out of
your head, Duane?

- Oh!

This kid right here throws
a 106-mile-an-hour fastball.

Once I get Earvin to see him,
the Dodgers are gonna sign him

to a multimillion dollar deal.

- And that means that he can
afford his own room, Duane.

- No, no, but let me tell you-
- Don't stand here-

Get off!

- BOTH: [straining]

- Stop hittin' me up, man.

- Tonight's Tisha's sex night.

- [sharp slap]

Don't you ever say no [bleep]
like that to me again.

- Just for the night.

A half a night.

- Did you steal him off of
a baseball field, Duane?

- [laughing]
That's exactly what I did.

Took him right out the bullpen.

Then I snuck him out of Cuba
in a blow-up raft into Cancun.

But the only snag in the whole
trip was payin' off the

Mexican cartel.

They tried to cut off my ar-
charge an arm and a leg.

But you know me.

I had a back-up plan, baby.

- [cash register tings]

- Okay look, man, just let
me think about it, Duane.

I'll get back to you, okay?

- When?

- Never.

[laughing]

- Dilo por el pecho.

- What the...?

You know what? I don't even care.

So what, Bridgette
blew up my Porsche.

You don't know nothin' about
that 'cause you wasn't

even there.

- What I do know is you've
still got a Bridgette explosion

goin' off in your
pocket every month.

$30 grand.

- KEVIN: I don't care.

- Boom.

- KEVIN: Do you know why
divorce is expensive?

- Why?

- Because it's worth it-
that's why.

- FAIZON: Well, you know what?

Riddle me this.
Check this out.

How do you divorce a girlfriend?

- What?

- FAIZON: Yeah, okay,
I'm dating this girl, right?

She done moved her sisters in.

They're not
even her real sisters.

They're her sorors.

They're walkin' around "Soror!"
Right?

They're mean five mean.

I don't even like goin' home.

I pretend like I'm on tour,
just so I don't go home.

- Wow.

- FAIZON: Matter of fact,
if she calls here, y'all saw

me headlinin' in Vegas.

You got that?

- Oh, you know I'd lie for you.
I got you all day, Faiz.

- That's right.

- GARY: Well, I can't wait to
get home to my queen.

I mean, I'm gonna run her
a bubble bath and give her like

a full-body massage.

I might even braid her hair.

- What?

- You know, she's part Indian.

Like a lot of Black girls say
it, but she really has Cherokee

in her family.

It doesn't look like Celie
of "The Color Purple."

When I do it, it looks like
Wall-A's head,

in a feminine way.

[laughing]

Oh, you guys don't do that?

- No.

- It's weird.

- KEVIN: Very.

- Now, look, Faizon, you gotta
show your girl that there's

a king in that castle.

- You're Faizon Love.

Come on, man, you were the token
Black guy in "Couples Retreat."

You hear me?

You're on the damn poster.

I saw you. Right on the end.

Wait, they cropped you out
of the international one,

though.

They cut you right on off that.

That pissed me off.

That's real-the point that
I'm makin', Faiz, she can be

cropped out, too.

She ain't got to be in your
picture, man.

Crop her ass right on out.

- Listen to him, if you want to
be in a miserable relationship.

I'ma give you guys some free
advice on how to deal with

a Black woman.

- Gary thinks that just because
he's married to a Black woman,

he's mastered the
art of sisters.

Hell, just because I eat a pizza
don't make me Italian, capisce?

- Look, you wouldn't have any
of these problems, if you

started putting your Black
women on a pedestal.

- Put her on a pedestal?

I can't get her off.

- All right, Gary,
give it to me.

Give it to me.

I want the crack pipe, the meth,
whatever it is that you White

boys do, gimme some of it.

- You should write a book and
call it "Fifty Shades of Gary."

- ALL: [laughing]

- Keep laughing, guys.

Listen, cynicism isn't gonna get
you anywhere, so I'm gonna let

you in on a little secret.

The key to keeping a
Black woman happy...

Hint: You have to be
a cunning linguist.

[laughing]

I know you guys think it's
some White boy stuff, I do.

But if you don't wake up in
the morning like you just ate a

glazed donut, a little
marmalade on your face...

I do it every night.
There's a reason I look young.

I'm 65 years old.

You know, White people, we age
terribly-like a banana.

[laughing]

Bottom line is-you got to keep
the nappy happy.

- Did Gary just use
the "n" word?

I just told this [bleep]
not to use that.

- Kevin, how old is
your son now?

- Seven.
Just turned seven, actually.

- So, yes, you are not
the daddy.

- OTHERS: [laughing]

- KEVIN: What are you
talking about?

Unless you know something
I don't know, I am the daddy.

- FAIZON: Well...

- Hey, man, what
did I tell you?

Stay your ass in the back.

- Tengo mucho hambre.

- Well, ain't nobody got time
to tangle with you, hombre.

What do you think this is?

- He's hungry, Kevin.

¿Te gusta pizza?

- Sí, gracias, Roberto
de Cosbey Show.

¿Hablas español?

- Sí, sí, un poquito
pero suficiente.

- ¿Le toca?

- Little boy that Shake found.

He's supposed to be a good
pitcher, so Shake think he's

gonna get millions
of dollars for him.

Boy don't look like he's worth
a damn quarter to me.

I'm just bein' honest.
- Camilo Campaneris?

I've heard of this kid, man.

This boy is a legend in Cuba.

He's got like
115-mile-an-hour fastball.

- If he's so good, then
why's he with Shake?

Because he's not good.

- Kev.
- Want me to prove it to you?

- I just so happen to have
a glove and a ball.

Ce-lo, heads up!
- What?

- Watch out.

- Kev, listen, I wouldn't do
that, if I were you.

- First of all, you don't tell
me what to do or what not to do

in my house, back-up Boris.

What you need to do is stop
usin' Salli's razor 'cause

you're startin' to get those
vagina bumps on the front of

your head.

- Did you just call me
back-up Boris?

- Carmilo, sí.

- Tira la pelota con fuerza.

- ¿Con fuerza?

- DONDRE: Sí.

- Oh, you ain't cookin' no
chitlins in my house.

So you'd better go to your home
and cook that stinky [bleep].

Hey, bring it. Wait.

- ¿Listo?

- Just throw the
damn ball, boy.

[heavy thwack]
- OTHERS: Oh!

- Damn!

- Uh, Corn Flakes is
gonna make me a lotta money.

- Come on, Gary, around
the block one more time, man.

Be a pal.

- No, I've gotta get
home to my wife.

Listen, just go upstairs,
take a deep breath,

and open the door.

- No. I'm telling you.

I'ma go in there and the first
thing they're gonna say is

"Where's my eggs, [bleep]?"
I'm telling you.

You don't know what it's like.

I gotta cook for her
and her sorors-

I can't even say it.

her sorority girls.

- Embrace the bossiness,
then flip it on 'em.

Don't make her breakfast,
make her the breakfast.

Don't make her pancakes,
make her mancakes.

[laughing]
- Yeah, right.

- Then hit her with the
satin hummingbird.

You know what a
hummingbird is, right?

Flies real fast.

- Right.

- Now imagine that bird
on the tongue while it's

touchin' your girl's nest.

[lips wobbling]
Do it with me.

- BOTH: [lips wobbling]
- [beat boxing]

♪ Skiddlee dee do

I'm gonna try it because
the hummingbird is my favorite

animal and Gary's
just a nasty mother [bleep].

Dondre, I'm telling you.

Gary knows what the [bleep]
he's talking about.

- What are you talkin' about?

- Look, I wake up with nectar
all over my face,

just like he said.

- Nectar?

- Before I know it, my girl
and her sorors went crazy

and just gave me a butt-naked
step show, partner.

You know what the
[bleep] you doin'.

- [palm slap]
- [laughing]

That hurt.

I don't know much, but
I know Black women.

It's a gift.

- Hello!

I'm gonna need your best bottle
of champagne for me.

I'll need a glass of milk for
this guy right here 'cause

tomorrow he'll be
playin' for the Dodgers.

We are celebratin'.

Yes.

- Did you say Dodgers?

I love football.

- Ay, dios mío, coño.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, sweetie.

It's way too soon in his
career for a White woman.

Get your gold diggin'
ass outta here.

Thank you. Turn it around.

He ain't even made
the damn team yet.

- Oh. He hasn't made it yet?

- Me gusta.
- No, ain't no "Me gusta."

"Me gusta" your ass right here
and drink that milk.

- Yo, Kev!
- Get your strength together.

- What you doin'?

- Hey-o. There they go.

- Where's who?
- What's up?

- You got a rock in your
shoe or something?

- Okay, I don't know what that
walk was, but don't touch me

while you do it.

- Oh, stop-
- Where you been?

We've been waitin' on you.
- For what?

Why you waitin' on me?

- Poker.
- What?

Y'all didn't get
my text message?

- You didn't send it to us.
- I sent y'all a text.

I cancelled that.
- No, we didn't get it.

- Will you stop it, guys.

Y'all bein' ridiculous.

I know when I sent a text.

You tellin' me I ain't sent you
all no damn text.

- [cell phones bleeping]

- Really?
- What?

- Like we didn't see you just
send that message.

- You guys have a delay.

- Kevin, listen-
- Yo, yo, Kev.

What's the emergency, man?
Camilo okay?

- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Our client is fine.

Come here, I wanna talk to you.

- Wait, wait, wait, what
do you mean our cli-

- KEVIN: Listen-

- Did you hurt your
Achilles or something?

- No.

- Why are you
walkin' like that?

- 'Cause I have on slacks.

Listen, I know that he has
a rocket for an arm.

- Yeah, I told you that.

- Well, I didn't believe you.

That meeting that you
have with Earvin?

- Yeah.
- I want in.

- We all want in.
- What? What?

- Wait, we?
- This is a Shake down.

- Oh, I shoulda said that.

- Who wouldn't wanna be
in a deal like this?

But $50 grand a
head-that's nothing.

This deal is a home run.

Now in the event that
it's only a base hit...

[laughs]
I got my bases covered.

I get paid either way.

[cash register tings]

- I want some of those slacks.

- Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Slow down, Corona, all right?

There's more.

Well, I know what products
to get you endorse, huh?

- Sí, sí, me gusta hot dog.

- Look, I wanna
talk to you, man.

So, I'ma ...ma Spanish-ize
this for you.

Duane.

Duane is no good, though,
for el-you-o.

Which means, what you need is
el-me-o to come in so I can

make you more money-o.

- Oh, sí, sí.

- Understand-o?

- Me encanta,
me encanta mucho dólares.

Me gustas, primo.

Me recuerdas de Tyron
de Game of Thrones, ¿tú sabes?

- I don't watch that. I don't.

But I get it, though.

If you watch it, I watch it.

You know what?

This is what I wanna do.

Sign this piece
of paper for me.

- ¿Firma?

- Yeah. No.

No, I don't play soccer.

- Sí. Sí.

- Look, here, sign this
right...right there.

Hey! Hey! Hey, my friend.

My friend.

Stay here and eat 'em.
Get some more hot dogs.

I'll figure it out.

- Somebody tell you to
eat all of those meals.

- Come on.
- Don't set me apart.

- Something terrible.
Whaddup?

- You seen Gary?

- Yeah, he, uh, he had
like a cramp in his tongue

or something like that.

He couldn't make it.

- A what?
- Yeah, the same thing I said.

I said, what?
- I know why.

I did that stupid hummingbird
trick he was tellin' me.

My girl's puttin' her flower in
my face every morning, noon,

and night, man-it's stupid.

- I tried to tell you not to do
that, but you don't listen.

- You got, uh...

You got a little situation
on your nose, Faizon.

- DONDRE: The stuff I was
telling you about in the truck.

- DONDRE & KEVIN: Oh!!

- Now, man, no.

- It's glazed donut, man.

I'ma kill that damn Gary.

I almost blew a lip out
this morning.

- Wait, how are you eatin'
a donut, Faizon?

Are you-is it a
smash technique?

What are you doin'?

- You just find Gary.

- Hey, I'm just the messenger.

If you sisters agree with me-
#keepthenappyhappy

and let me know how you feel.

[ding]

- Hey, Kev, what
are we doin' here?

- Okay, look, this is what
Duane said it with me and

Earvin Johnson at.

- You mean "Magic?"
- There's only one

Earvin Johnson, Faizon.

Stop. Now keep up. Okay?

- Okay.

Now I got y'all alone,
I wanna talk to y'all.

I don't know about this whole
Canseco thing, man.

- Camilo.

- Canseco, yes.

I'm not feelin' good about it.

I'm really havin'
second thoughts, man.

- Why?

- I feel like Duane might
be up to his old tricks.

- What?

- Like a Ponzi scheme or
something like that?

- Why...why would Duane
have a top prospect?

- He's an agent.

- Stop it.

He can't even marry
a top prospect.

- He's got a point.

- Okay, both of you stop.

Tisha's a beautiful person.

- Agh. Mmm ......

- Okay.

- If you Tisha, speak to me.

Unh...

- What's your point?

- Here's the thing.

I don't want you guys gettin'
caught up in a bunch of mess.

Right now, I'm in a position
where I can get y'all out of

a mess.

- Hm?

- Yeah, right now my
career is going great.

You guys know that.

I got money comin' in.

It's like tons of it.

- All right, man.

- People are dumpin'
off bags of money.

- Kevin-
- Money. Money.

I just keep gettin'-
- We get the money.

How...how are you
gonna take care of us?

How are you gonna relieve us?

- Well, what I wanna do for
you guys is basically I have

these two checks, right?

What I wanna do.

The money that you guys are
investing, I wanna give it

to you now.

Give you guys a way out.

Gary took his. Gary was smart.

He said, "You know what, Kev?

"I don't need to take the risk.

I gotta take care of my woman-"

- No, no, no, no, no,
hold on, hold on.

- I got these
hair-brained kids.

- Hold it, hold it.
- Deal.

- No, no, no deal, Faizon.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
- What?

- No, we don't want a deal.

You think...when did you get
generous all of a sudden?

- What are you talking about?

- Why are you so generous?
- I've always been generous.

- The only person you ever
cared about is Kevin Hart.

- That's not true.

- Right!

You're tryin' to get us to sell
out before we meet Magic Johnson

and make millions?

- [bleep].

Okay, that's not-
- Fellas, I found Earvin.

- Hello, mitches.

- Gimme that.
- Wait! Wait!

- I'm gone!
- Wait a minute. Wait. Faizon!

Dondre! Don't spend that!

- It's so nice to meet you.

You're very funny.
- Hey, you know what?

Duane is funny, too, because he
had me thinking I was coming

here to meet your dad.

- No, no, no, I did not.

I said Earvin Johnson.

This is Earvin Johnson.

- It's not the same thing!

You know what?

What the [bleep] cameras
doin' here?

- They're filming my show.

Where is this phenom you've
been raving about?

- Okay, I-
- Stop!

We're not gonna waste any time
here.

What I want you to do is call
your dad and tell your dad to

get down here so I can meet him,
'cause we're here

to talk baseball.

- Listen, sweetie, don't let
this Firkin fool you.

I know everything about
baseball.

- Let's just put that little
knowledge of yours to the test,

why don't we?

- Please.

- Who had the most strike ups
in the major leagues?

- I think you mean "strike
outs" and it was Tom Cheney,

Washington Senators, 1962.

Check that.
[snapping fingers]

- Well, what I'm
gonna check is you

because that's your
first strike out.

The answer is Michael Jordan.

Let's just continue the test.

- So, where is this young man?

- Oh, y'all, Camilo.

- Hola, primos.

[regurgitating, belching]
- Oh, God...

- Camilo Campaneris.

[regurgitating, belching]

- Oh, did he just say
Camilo Campaneris?

I've been following his
fastballs for the past

two years.

Yes, this is the one I've been
telling you about, Dad.

Mm-hm.

Okay, hold on.

So, he wants to offer him
a deal-sight unseen.

Six years, $30 million.

- Yes! Sounds good.

- Tell your dad he can take
that $30 million and go buy

a team that's actually gonna
make the playoffs.

- Excuse me?

- Tell your dad we're gonna
need $300 million, ain't that

right, Duane?

- That's ridiculous.

- $300 million! What?

- They want $300 million.

- I'll tell you what I'm doin'.

I'm doin' what you
shoulda been doin'.

I'm playin' hardball.

- Okay, I can't even believe
this, but you have a deal.

- What?

- Yeah! He said we got a deal!

- BOTH: [laughing]
- Yeah!

- But my dad wants
to see him pitch.

- All right.
- Yeah. That...that's fair.

- After I see him pitch.

- Hold, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

But...but you've already seen
him pitch.

You've been watchin' him for
the last two years.

- That's true, but this was
all before I discovered

that Kevin is an
asshole with no taste.

Dondre, you used to play.

Do you mind catching?

- No, I...I guess I could-

- Dondre, why hesitate?

Why not show us why
you never made it.

- Oh, shut up.

- Now, Camilo, this is what
we've been talking about, okay?

- Okay.
- Now this is for the money.

Now if you can throw the ball
the way that I know you can

throw the ball, we're
about to get paid.

- Correction, "we"
are about to get paid.

- Kevin, what are
you talking about?

- What are you talking about?

- What are you talking about?
- Nothing.

- Why are you talking
to my client?

- Your client, my client,
it doesn't matter.

He's somebody's client.
- Hm? Hm?

- All right, let's go.

- El niño pesos. You and me.

- Let's go.

- Dolor de estomago.

- You're mine.

- Dolor de estomago.

- Okay, let's see what you got.

- Hey, star killer.

- You're warmed up.
You're warmed up.

- KEVIN: "Arribe", Iglesias.

- DUANE: Let's go, Camilo!

You got this one.
You got this one.

You're nice and warmed up.

- [heavy thwack]
- Oh!

- You all right, baby?

- DUANE: You nice and
warmed up.

You got it.
You got it.

- Make up for it with this one.

- DUANE: You're nice
and warmed up.

[baseball thuds car]
[car alarm blaring]

- You just hit my [bleep]
car, mother [bleep]!

I know how I can handle this.

- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

- CAMILO: [vomiting]
- Is this a joke?

He's terrible.

- He was better. I...

- Kevin, cashiers'.

Look, you're right again.

- Yeah, you are a friend.

- FAIZON: [laughing]
Come on now.

Come on, let's get outta here.

- It's just money.

- EJ? EJ, listen, listen...

You know, why don't you go on
and give your dad a call and

tell him I'll take that
$30 million.

- Go [bleep] yourself.

- I'm sorry?

Okay, EJ, EJ, look, reach in the
cheap-ass bag that you've been

carryin' all day, take the phone
out, call your dad, and tell him

that we've got a deal.

- I am sick of your [bleep].

[heavy thud]
- Asshole!

I should have known getting
involved with Kevin Hart was

gonna be a mistake.

And for the record, Kevin,
this bag costs more than

your house.

Trust.

- Primo! Primo! Okay?

- Hey, Camero, do you remember
that bazillion dollar deal

I said I was gonna get you?

- Sí.

- Yeah, well, you can "Sí"
your way back to Cuba.

- No.

- You and that strong-ass arm
can swim your way right on back.

I'm finished with you, man.

Get your Mario Lopez-Van Peebles
lookin' ass on outta here.

Go! I'm done!

Go! Get outta here!

- MALE ANNOUNCER: Starting tonight for the Dodgers is

the rookie Cuban sensation with the bazillion dollar arm,

Camilo Campaneris.

- What?!

- Discovered by EJ Johnson in the parking lot of

Chuck Bliss, Camilo signed the largest Dodger rookie

contract ever-ten years, $300 million.

- I did that!
That was my deal!

- And to think the Dodgers
almost lost out on the phenom

due to, get this, food poisoning caused by eating too many

hot dogs-which ruined his initial try-out.

I guess they don't have hot dogs in Cuba.

- Actually, I'm not Cuban.

I'm from East LA.

I went to Garfield High.

Go, Bulldogs! Woof!

I figured my best chances of
making it to the league was to

defect to Cuba and then defect
back to the States.

What can I say?

It's a defective system.

Hot dog, anybody?

♪