Original subtitles

- [muttering sleepily] Sandwich.

Get over there and let me get it.

Can't nobody save me now.

KEVIN: You know, when you're a big-time Hollywood star

like me, the two things you value most are

your friends and your sleep.

[doorbell ringing]

- Go away!

[doorbell ringing]

- [groaning] Wait.

- [doorbell ringing repeatedly]

- KEVIN: But with Duane,

you wish you could just have your friends put to sleep.

♪ This is the life This is the life ♪

♪ We got the life We got the life ♪

♪ This is the city Where we party ♪

♪ Every night Party every night ♪

♪ You and me Down and to go ♪

♪ Welcome to Hollywood Welcome to Hollywood ♪

[doorbell ringing]

- Come on, dawg. Whaddup, baby?

Y'all, I so am so glad you're up.

Listen, I need a huge favor from you.

- Shank, it's 3:00 in the [bleep] damn morning and you

come here dressed like you [bleep] doin' Wild Wild West 2.

I don't know what's goin' on.

Let me guess-Tisha done kicked you out again.

- No, no, no. - Is that what it is?

- No, I got-

- Oh, my God, you're sellin' Mane 'n Tail.

- Yes. I mean, no. - What?

- It's a long story, Kevin.

I just need somewhere to stash my new client, Camilo,

for the night.

- Hola, Señor Ride Along.

- Are you out of your head, Duane?

- Oh!

This kid right here throws a 106-mile-an-hour fastball.

Once I get Earvin to see him, the Dodgers are gonna sign him

to a multimillion dollar deal.

- And that means that he can afford his own room, Duane.

- No, no, but let me tell you- - Don't stand here-

Get off!

- BOTH: [straining]

- Stop hittin' me up, man.

- Tonight's Tisha's sex night.

- [sharp slap]

Don't you ever say no [bleep] like that to me again.

- Just for the night.

A half a night.

- Did you steal him off of a baseball field, Duane?

- [laughing] That's exactly what I did.

Took him right out the bullpen.

Then I snuck him out of Cuba in a blow-up raft into Cancun.

But the only snag in the whole trip was payin' off the

Mexican cartel.

They tried to cut off my ar- charge an arm and a leg.

But you know me.

I had a back-up plan, baby.

- [cash register tings]

- Okay look, man, just let me think about it, Duane.

I'll get back to you, okay?

- When?

- Never.

[laughing]

- Dilo por el pecho.

- What the...?

You know what? I don't even care.

So what, Bridgette blew up my Porsche.

You don't know nothin' about that 'cause you wasn't

even there.

- What I do know is you've still got a Bridgette explosion

goin' off in your pocket every month.

$30 grand.

- KEVIN: I don't care.

- Boom.

- KEVIN: Do you know why divorce is expensive?

- Why?

- Because it's worth it- that's why.

- FAIZON: Well, you know what?

Riddle me this. Check this out.

How do you divorce a girlfriend?

- What?

- FAIZON: Yeah, okay, I'm dating this girl, right?

She done moved her sisters in.

They're not even her real sisters.

They're her sorors.

They're walkin' around "Soror!" Right?

They're mean five mean.

I don't even like goin' home.

I pretend like I'm on tour, just so I don't go home.

- Wow.

- FAIZON: Matter of fact, if she calls here, y'all saw

me headlinin' in Vegas.

You got that?

- Oh, you know I'd lie for you. I got you all day, Faiz.

- That's right.

- GARY: Well, I can't wait to get home to my queen.

I mean, I'm gonna run her a bubble bath and give her like

a full-body massage.

I might even braid her hair.

- What?

- You know, she's part Indian.

Like a lot of Black girls say it, but she really has Cherokee

in her family.

It doesn't look like Celie of "The Color Purple."

When I do it, it looks like Wall-A's head,

in a feminine way.

[laughing]

Oh, you guys don't do that?

- No.

- It's weird.

- KEVIN: Very.

- Now, look, Faizon, you gotta show your girl that there's

a king in that castle.

- You're Faizon Love.

Come on, man, you were the token Black guy in "Couples Retreat."

You hear me?

You're on the damn poster.

I saw you. Right on the end.

Wait, they cropped you out of the international one,

though.

They cut you right on off that.

That pissed me off.

That's real-the point that I'm makin', Faiz, she can be

cropped out, too.

She ain't got to be in your picture, man.

Crop her ass right on out.

- Listen to him, if you want to be in a miserable relationship.

I'ma give you guys some free advice on how to deal with

a Black woman.

- Gary thinks that just because he's married to a Black woman,

he's mastered the art of sisters.

Hell, just because I eat a pizza don't make me Italian, capisce?

- Look, you wouldn't have any of these problems, if you

started putting your Black women on a pedestal.

- Put her on a pedestal?

I can't get her off.

- All right, Gary, give it to me.

Give it to me.

I want the crack pipe, the meth, whatever it is that you White

boys do, gimme some of it.

- You should write a book and call it "Fifty Shades of Gary."

- ALL: [laughing]

- Keep laughing, guys.

Listen, cynicism isn't gonna get you anywhere, so I'm gonna let

you in on a little secret.

The key to keeping a Black woman happy...

Hint: You have to be a cunning linguist.

[laughing]

I know you guys think it's some White boy stuff, I do.

But if you don't wake up in the morning like you just ate a

glazed donut, a little marmalade on your face...

I do it every night. There's a reason I look young.

I'm 65 years old.

You know, White people, we age terribly-like a banana.

[laughing]

Bottom line is-you got to keep the nappy happy.

- Did Gary just use the "n" word?

I just told this [bleep] not to use that.

- Kevin, how old is your son now?

- Seven. Just turned seven, actually.

- So, yes, you are not the daddy.

- OTHERS: [laughing]

- KEVIN: What are you talking about?

Unless you know something I don't know, I am the daddy.

- FAIZON: Well...

- Hey, man, what did I tell you?

Stay your ass in the back.

- Tengo mucho hambre.

- Well, ain't nobody got time to tangle with you, hombre.

What do you think this is?

- He's hungry, Kevin.

¿Te gusta pizza?

- Sí, gracias, Roberto de Cosbey Show.

¿Hablas español?

- Sí, sí, un poquito pero suficiente.

- ¿Le toca?

- Little boy that Shake found.

He's supposed to be a good pitcher, so Shake think he's

gonna get millions of dollars for him.

Boy don't look like he's worth a damn quarter to me.

I'm just bein' honest. - Camilo Campaneris?

I've heard of this kid, man.

This boy is a legend in Cuba.

He's got like 115-mile-an-hour fastball.

- If he's so good, then why's he with Shake?

Because he's not good.

- Kev. - Want me to prove it to you?

- I just so happen to have a glove and a ball.

Ce-lo, heads up! - What?

- Watch out.

- Kev, listen, I wouldn't do that, if I were you.

- First of all, you don't tell me what to do or what not to do

in my house, back-up Boris.

What you need to do is stop usin' Salli's razor 'cause

you're startin' to get those vagina bumps on the front of

your head.

- Did you just call me back-up Boris?

- Carmilo, sí.

- Tira la pelota con fuerza.

- ¿Con fuerza?

- DONDRE: Sí.

- Oh, you ain't cookin' no chitlins in my house.

So you'd better go to your home and cook that stinky [bleep].

Hey, bring it. Wait.

- ¿Listo?

- Just throw the damn ball, boy.

[heavy thwack] - OTHERS: Oh!

- Damn!

- Uh, Corn Flakes is gonna make me a lotta money.

- Come on, Gary, around the block one more time, man.

Be a pal.

- No, I've gotta get home to my wife.

Listen, just go upstairs, take a deep breath,

and open the door.

- No. I'm telling you.

I'ma go in there and the first thing they're gonna say is

"Where's my eggs, [bleep]?" I'm telling you.

You don't know what it's like.

I gotta cook for her and her sorors-

I can't even say it.

her sorority girls.

- Embrace the bossiness, then flip it on 'em.

Don't make her breakfast, make her the breakfast.

Don't make her pancakes, make her mancakes.

[laughing] - Yeah, right.

- Then hit her with the satin hummingbird.

You know what a hummingbird is, right?

Flies real fast.

- Right.

- Now imagine that bird on the tongue while it's

touchin' your girl's nest.

[lips wobbling] Do it with me.

- BOTH: [lips wobbling] - [beat boxing]

♪ Skiddlee dee do

I'm gonna try it because the hummingbird is my favorite

animal and Gary's just a nasty mother [bleep].

Dondre, I'm telling you.

Gary knows what the [bleep] he's talking about.

- What are you talkin' about?

- Look, I wake up with nectar all over my face,

just like he said.

- Nectar?

- Before I know it, my girl and her sorors went crazy

and just gave me a butt-naked step show, partner.

You know what the [bleep] you doin'.

- [palm slap] - [laughing]

That hurt.

I don't know much, but I know Black women.

It's a gift.

- Hello!

I'm gonna need your best bottle of champagne for me.

I'll need a glass of milk for this guy right here 'cause

tomorrow he'll be playin' for the Dodgers.

We are celebratin'.

Yes.

- Did you say Dodgers?

I love football.

- Ay, dios mío, coño.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, sweetie.

It's way too soon in his career for a White woman.

Get your gold diggin' ass outta here.

Thank you. Turn it around.

He ain't even made the damn team yet.

- Oh. He hasn't made it yet?

- Me gusta. - No, ain't no "Me gusta."

"Me gusta" your ass right here and drink that milk.

- Yo, Kev! - Get your strength together.

- What you doin'?

- Hey-o. There they go.

- Where's who? - What's up?

- You got a rock in your shoe or something?

- Okay, I don't know what that walk was, but don't touch me

while you do it.

- Oh, stop- - Where you been?

We've been waitin' on you. - For what?

Why you waitin' on me?

- Poker. - What?

Y'all didn't get my text message?

- You didn't send it to us. - I sent y'all a text.

I cancelled that. - No, we didn't get it.

- Will you stop it, guys.

Y'all bein' ridiculous.

I know when I sent a text.

You tellin' me I ain't sent you all no damn text.

- [cell phones bleeping]

- Really? - What?

- Like we didn't see you just send that message.

- You guys have a delay.

- Kevin, listen- - Yo, yo, Kev.

What's the emergency, man? Camilo okay?

- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Our client is fine.

Come here, I wanna talk to you.

- Wait, wait, wait, what do you mean our cli-

- KEVIN: Listen-

- Did you hurt your Achilles or something?

- No.

- Why are you walkin' like that?

- 'Cause I have on slacks.

Listen, I know that he has a rocket for an arm.

- Yeah, I told you that.

- Well, I didn't believe you.

That meeting that you have with Earvin?

- Yeah. - I want in.

- We all want in. - What? What?

- Wait, we? - This is a Shake down.

- Oh, I shoulda said that.

- Who wouldn't wanna be in a deal like this?

But $50 grand a head-that's nothing.

This deal is a home run.

Now in the event that it's only a base hit...

[laughs] I got my bases covered.

I get paid either way.

[cash register tings]

- I want some of those slacks.

- Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Slow down, Corona, all right?

There's more.

Well, I know what products to get you endorse, huh?

- Sí, sí, me gusta hot dog.

- Look, I wanna talk to you, man.

So, I'ma ...ma Spanish-ize this for you.

Duane.

Duane is no good, though, for el-you-o.

Which means, what you need is el-me-o to come in so I can

make you more money-o.

- Oh, sí, sí.

- Understand-o?

- Me encanta, me encanta mucho dólares.

Me gustas, primo.

Me recuerdas de Tyron de Game of Thrones, ¿tú sabes?

- I don't watch that. I don't.

But I get it, though.

If you watch it, I watch it.

You know what?

This is what I wanna do.

Sign this piece of paper for me.

- ¿Firma?

- Yeah. No.

No, I don't play soccer.

- Sí. Sí.

- Look, here, sign this right...right there.

Hey! Hey! Hey, my friend.

My friend.

Stay here and eat 'em. Get some more hot dogs.

I'll figure it out.

- Somebody tell you to eat all of those meals.

- Come on. - Don't set me apart.

- Something terrible. Whaddup?

- You seen Gary?

- Yeah, he, uh, he had like a cramp in his tongue

or something like that.

He couldn't make it.

- A what? - Yeah, the same thing I said.

I said, what? - I know why.

I did that stupid hummingbird trick he was tellin' me.

My girl's puttin' her flower in my face every morning, noon,

and night, man-it's stupid.

- I tried to tell you not to do that, but you don't listen.

- You got, uh...

You got a little situation on your nose, Faizon.

- DONDRE: The stuff I was telling you about in the truck.

- DONDRE & KEVIN: Oh!!

- Now, man, no.

- It's glazed donut, man.

I'ma kill that damn Gary.

I almost blew a lip out this morning.

- Wait, how are you eatin' a donut, Faizon?

Are you-is it a smash technique?

What are you doin'?

- You just find Gary.

- Hey, I'm just the messenger.

If you sisters agree with me- keepthenappyhappy

and let me know how you feel.

[ding]

- Hey, Kev, what are we doin' here?

- Okay, look, this is what Duane said it with me and

Earvin Johnson at.

- You mean "Magic?" - There's only one

Earvin Johnson, Faizon.

Stop. Now keep up. Okay?

- Okay.

Now I got y'all alone, I wanna talk to y'all.

I don't know about this whole Canseco thing, man.

- Camilo.

- Canseco, yes.

I'm not feelin' good about it.

I'm really havin' second thoughts, man.

- Why?

- I feel like Duane might be up to his old tricks.

- What?

- Like a Ponzi scheme or something like that?

- Why...why would Duane have a top prospect?

- He's an agent.

- Stop it.

He can't even marry a top prospect.

- He's got a point.

- Okay, both of you stop.

Tisha's a beautiful person.

- Agh. Mmm ......

- Okay.

- If you Tisha, speak to me.

Unh...

- What's your point?

- Here's the thing.

I don't want you guys gettin' caught up in a bunch of mess.

Right now, I'm in a position where I can get y'all out of

a mess.

- Hm?

- Yeah, right now my career is going great.

You guys know that.

I got money comin' in.

It's like tons of it.

- All right, man.

- People are dumpin' off bags of money.

- Kevin- - Money. Money.

I just keep gettin'- - We get the money.

How...how are you gonna take care of us?

How are you gonna relieve us?

- Well, what I wanna do for you guys is basically I have

these two checks, right?

What I wanna do.

The money that you guys are investing, I wanna give it

to you now.

Give you guys a way out.

Gary took his. Gary was smart.

He said, "You know what, Kev?

"I don't need to take the risk.

I gotta take care of my woman-"

- No, no, no, no, no, hold on, hold on.

- I got these hair-brained kids.

- Hold it, hold it. - Deal.

- No, no, no deal, Faizon.

No, no, no, no, no, no. - What?

- No, we don't want a deal.

You think...when did you get generous all of a sudden?

- What are you talking about?

- Why are you so generous? - I've always been generous.

- The only person you ever cared about is Kevin Hart.

- That's not true.

- Right!

You're tryin' to get us to sell out before we meet Magic Johnson

and make millions?

- [bleep].

Okay, that's not- - Fellas, I found Earvin.

- Hello, mitches.

- Gimme that. - Wait! Wait!

- I'm gone! - Wait a minute. Wait. Faizon!

Dondre! Don't spend that!

- It's so nice to meet you.

You're very funny. - Hey, you know what?

Duane is funny, too, because he had me thinking I was coming

here to meet your dad.

- No, no, no, I did not.

I said Earvin Johnson.

This is Earvin Johnson.

- It's not the same thing!

You know what?

What the [bleep] cameras doin' here?

- They're filming my show.

Where is this phenom you've been raving about?

- Okay, I- - Stop!

We're not gonna waste any time here.

What I want you to do is call your dad and tell your dad to

get down here so I can meet him, 'cause we're here

to talk baseball.

- Listen, sweetie, don't let this Firkin fool you.

I know everything about baseball.

- Let's just put that little knowledge of yours to the test,

why don't we?

- Please.

- Who had the most strike ups in the major leagues?

- I think you mean "strike outs" and it was Tom Cheney,

Washington Senators, 1962.

Check that. [snapping fingers]

- Well, what I'm gonna check is you

because that's your first strike out.

The answer is Michael Jordan.

Let's just continue the test.

- So, where is this young man?

- Oh, y'all, Camilo.

- Hola, primos.

[regurgitating, belching] - Oh, God...

- Camilo Campaneris.

[regurgitating, belching]

- Oh, did he just say Camilo Campaneris?

I've been following his fastballs for the past

two years.

Yes, this is the one I've been telling you about, Dad.

Mm-hm.

Okay, hold on.

So, he wants to offer him a deal-sight unseen.

Six years, $30 million.

- Yes! Sounds good.

- Tell your dad he can take that $30 million and go buy

a team that's actually gonna make the playoffs.

- Excuse me?

- Tell your dad we're gonna need $300 million, ain't that

right, Duane?

- That's ridiculous.

- $300 million! What?

- They want $300 million.

- I'll tell you what I'm doin'.

I'm doin' what you shoulda been doin'.

I'm playin' hardball.

- Okay, I can't even believe this, but you have a deal.

- What?

- Yeah! He said we got a deal!

- BOTH: [laughing] - Yeah!

- But my dad wants to see him pitch.

- All right. - Yeah. That...that's fair.

- After I see him pitch.

- Hold, wait a minute, wait a minute.

But...but you've already seen him pitch.

You've been watchin' him for the last two years.

- That's true, but this was all before I discovered

that Kevin is an asshole with no taste.

Dondre, you used to play.

Do you mind catching?

- No, I...I guess I could-

- Dondre, why hesitate?

Why not show us why you never made it.

- Oh, shut up.

- Now, Camilo, this is what we've been talking about, okay?

- Okay. - Now this is for the money.

Now if you can throw the ball the way that I know you can

throw the ball, we're about to get paid.

- Correction, "we" are about to get paid.

- Kevin, what are you talking about?

- What are you talking about?

- What are you talking about? - Nothing.

- Why are you talking to my client?

- Your client, my client, it doesn't matter.

He's somebody's client. - Hm? Hm?

- All right, let's go.

- El niño pesos. You and me.

- Let's go.

- Dolor de estomago.

- You're mine.

- Dolor de estomago.

- Okay, let's see what you got.

- Hey, star killer.

- You're warmed up. You're warmed up.

- KEVIN: "Arribe", Iglesias.

- DUANE: Let's go, Camilo!

You got this one. You got this one.

You're nice and warmed up.

- [heavy thwack] - Oh!

- You all right, baby?

- DUANE: You nice and warmed up.

You got it. You got it.

- Make up for it with this one.

- DUANE: You're nice and warmed up.

[baseball thuds car] [car alarm blaring]

- You just hit my [bleep] car, mother [bleep]!

I know how I can handle this.

- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

- CAMILO: [vomiting] - Is this a joke?

He's terrible.

- He was better. I...

- Kevin, cashiers'.

Look, you're right again.

- Yeah, you are a friend.

- FAIZON: [laughing] Come on now.

Come on, let's get outta here.

- It's just money.

- EJ? EJ, listen, listen...

You know, why don't you go on and give your dad a call and

tell him I'll take that $30 million.

- Go [bleep] yourself.

- I'm sorry?

Okay, EJ, EJ, look, reach in the cheap-ass bag that you've been

carryin' all day, take the phone out, call your dad, and tell him

that we've got a deal.

- I am sick of your [bleep].

[heavy thud] - Asshole!

I should have known getting involved with Kevin Hart was

gonna be a mistake.

And for the record, Kevin, this bag costs more than

your house.

Trust.

- Primo! Primo! Okay?

- Hey, Camero, do you remember that bazillion dollar deal

I said I was gonna get you?

- Sí.

- Yeah, well, you can "Sí" your way back to Cuba.

- No.

- You and that strong-ass arm can swim your way right on back.

I'm finished with you, man.

Get your Mario Lopez-Van Peebles lookin' ass on outta here.

Go! I'm done!

Go! Get outta here!

- MALE ANNOUNCER: Starting tonight for the Dodgers is

the rookie Cuban sensation with the bazillion dollar arm,

Camilo Campaneris.

- What?!

- Discovered by EJ Johnson in the parking lot of

Chuck Bliss, Camilo signed the largest Dodger rookie

contract ever-ten years, $300 million.

- I did that! That was my deal!

- And to think the Dodgers almost lost out on the phenom

due to, get this, food poisoning caused by eating too many

hot dogs-which ruined his initial try-out.

I guess they don't have hot dogs in Cuba.

- Actually, I'm not Cuban.

I'm from East LA.

I went to Garfield High.

Go, Bulldogs! Woof!

I figured my best chances of making it to the league was to

defect to Cuba and then defect back to the States.

What can I say?

It's a defective system.

Hot dog, anybody?

♪