Original subtitles

♪

- KEVIN: Yo, stop holding up the game.

Where's the action, man?

Check or bet, Duane.

[doorbell rings]

- I'm in. - Is that the door?

- Yeah, that's the door. - Wait, watch Faizon.

Don't cheat.

- Okay, I'm watching. - Watch him.

- Why you call me out? - 'Cause you got fat hands.

You're late, snack boy.

- Snack man.

- Call it what you want.

- Hey, fellas.

- Wayne! - What up, Wayne?

What up, what up?

- I'm sorry I'm late, man. My table read ran long.

- You have a table read for "Let's Make a Deal"?

I thought you just said, "Let's make a deal."

- [laughs] - Why is he here?

Where's Boris?

- Boris had to watch the kids.

You know Nicole don't play that.

So we needed a fish, told Faizon to come.

- Speaking of fish, look who showed up?

Moby Dick, mother [bleep].

- See what happens, Wayne, when you late?

The whole mojo table just goes off.

- Now, listen, man, how you doing, man?

- What up, what up, what up?

- What was the table read for?

- This new movie I'm doing called "Fast Black is Back"

with Morgan Freeman.

- Oh, yeah, from back in the day.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,

I read for that.

- They want me to play the brother for that.

- Which brother? Fat black?

[laughing] Ah!

- Oh, damn!

♪ This is the life This is the life ♪

♪ We've got the life We've got the life ♪

♪ This is the city Where we party every night ♪

♪ Party every night Just you and me ♪

♪ Down and to go Welcome to Hollywood ♪

♪ Welcome to Hollywood Welcome to Hollywood ♪

♪

- Yo, they wanted me to read for the brother, too,

but I passed.

- I'm playing the grandson.

- But the grandson is like 30.

- And you were born in the '30s.

- [laughing]

- I used to be just like you all.

I used to be at home feeling miserable and bad myself.

And now, I book everything they don't give to Kevin.

- That's impossible, because I don't leave

no jobs on the table.

- You got a new agent?

What are you saying?

You're talking a lot of [bleep].

- Not a new agent, a new age, gents.

- What?

You get plastic surgery or something?

- He didn't get no damn plastic surgery.

He looks exactly the same.

- Do I?

- Yes. - Do I?

- What, I'm looking- - Do I?

- First of all, don't look at me like that.

- Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Let me-let me see.

- KEVIN: What you see, Faizon?

- This [bleep] smooth.

- Yo, it's like a dolphin.

- I'm not touching it.

- Wait, what you-what you have done?

- Nothing much, man.

You know, just some Botox, chemical peal, dermabrasion.

You know, Duane, you could use that.

You got about ten layers of rusty Negro covering up your

inner beauty.

- Listen, listen.

The last thing that I need is some work.

- That's right.

Teesha does all that for you.

- Well, you know what they say.

If she ain't broke, don't fix it.

- Hey, hey, that's a way to come out.

Hey, that's a way to come back.

- Speaking of facelifts, Hollywood Boulevard is about to

get a facelift.

Getting a star on the Walk of Fame, baby.

Word! Southeast.

Ugh!

- Congratulations, brother.

I gotta give that to you.

- Good job, man.

- No.

No, I will not.

Why is he getting a star?

- Two decades.

- Two decades of what?

Just because he hosts a show and tells people they got talent

doesn't mean he has any.

- Oh, come on.

- Kick him again. - No, don't you-no, stop it!

How in the hell does Nick get a star on the Walk of Fame

before me?

I'll tell you what he should get.

A mop to clean up his act.

You saw the special.

It was dirty.

♪

- Hey, you wanna explain to me how

in the hell Nick got a star on the Walk of Fame?

- Well, he technically hasn't gotten the star yet.

His fan club has just nominated him for it.

- That's impossible.

Nick doesn't have a fan club.

He's divorcing the only fan that he had left.

- I'm pretty sure he has a fan club.

I set it up for him.

- You set it up for him, Trina?

- That's what I do?

- Do I not get your biggest star star?

Me, huh?

- [chuckles] My biggest star is the Wolf of Wall Street.

- So now you represent animals.

I don't even-I'm lost for words right now.

- Kevin, they only give out ten stars a year.

And they're giving the last one to Nick.

So I don't even understand the point of having this

conversation.

- The point is-you don't get me a star-

- Mm-hmm.

- you're gonna lose a star.

- [chuckles] I'd be losing a star who doesn't pay me,

so it's been a pleasure working with you.

- You know what?

You must think I'm stupid.

Where else am I gonna find legal advice for free?

- It's not free.

- It is free.

- No, it isn't free, actually.

There is a charge associated with the services that

I provide!

You've just never paid for them.

- There's not, and you know it's not.

So let's just stop.

Bottom line, you think that I'm gonna let Nick Cannon outshine

me, you got another thing coming.

I'm gonna go get me a damn star.

- Okay.

- So I'll see you on Hollywood Boulevard.

And thank you for another free session.

- What's new?

♪

- All right.

- [clapping]

- I call to order the Kevin Hart fan club.

Everybody present say I.

- BOTH: I.

- KEVIN: Coleman?

Are you here?

- I, sir.

- Thank you.

First order of business on the agenda is getting me a star on

the Walk of Fame.

Jackie, tell me what it is I need to do.

- First you need that $30,000 application fee.

- Stop you right there, because I got that.

- You got that? - Yes, I do.

It's 10, 20, 30.

- Give me it.

- What are you doing? - Okay.

Then next you need a letter stating why you want the star

and making sure you show up to the ceremony.

That's all.

- Coleman? - Sir.

- Did you type of that letter that I wrote?

- I have, sir.

Are you sure you want to send this letter, sir?

It reeks of plagiarism.

- Oh, now, hold on.

You tell me how I got a disease, because I had a condom on when

I wrote it.

Coleman, read the letter.

Let me hear it.

- "To whom it may concern.

"Four score and seven years ago."

- Mm-hmm, I like that.

- "I had a dream."

- Oooh!

Stop right there.

I don't need to hear no more.

I'm gonna [bleep] up with that.

Hey, one of the best writers in the world.

- What can I say?

It's a living.

- For once, I am going to beat Nick.

I'm depending on you to deliver this $30,000 along with my

application down to the Walk of Fame committee.

- I got you. - You got it?

- A'ight, I got you. Don't worry about nothing.

Can I use the Jag?

- Jackie, I'm giving you $30,000's trust.

Not $130,000's trust, okay?

You're looking at about $40,000 difference.

Am I right? - Yeah.

[laughs]

- KEVIN: It's all right, man.

Go ahead. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

- What's up?

- There's $20.

You're gonna be doing a lot of walking.

I want you to go get some arch supports.

You got something on your nose, man.

- What's on my nose? - The door.

See ya later.

♪

at an audition with Danny Glover, James L. Jones,

and Sir Mix-A-Lot, we decided to take Wayne's advice.

- So how did you guys find out about us?

The couple's Groupon?

- Uh, yeah, yes, that and, uh, Wayne Brady.

- Oh, Wayne, of course.

What do you guys wanna have done?

- Well, maybe I should go because I have the least to do.

- Oh, okay, cool, yeah.

- Look, I'm going to Cabo next week.

I wanna be beach ready, okay?

So I was thinking a couple of abs.

I don't need all six.

Maybe just three or four.

- That's a little unrealistic.

- Two?

- Okay, uh...

- Listen.

We don't know what we want.

Okay?

But we're-we're trying to make a decision, and we really wanna

know what-what can you do here?

- We can do just about anything from a skin peel to Botox

to augmentation to total molecular rejuvenation.

- I don't wanna be messing with my molecules,

because I'm lactose intolerant.

- Um, let-let me show you.

It's a simple procedure.

- FAIZON: No [bleep] oh. - DOCTOR: Uh-huh.

- Whoa!

- DOCTOR: A little of that. - Oh, snap.

- Yes!

That's what I'm talking about.

- Wow.

- Get that ghetto love.

You know what I'm saying?

- Okay, okay, listen here.

Look here, doc.

Uh, we don't need all of that.

- FAIZON: Well-

- What we want is-we want what you did for Wayne.

- Oh. - Yes.

- And we don't wanna be different, we just wanna

look better.

You know what I mean? - Yeah, fancy.

♪

[doorbell rings]

- Coming.

- NICK: Open the damn door.

- Who is that?

Nick?

I don't have the time, Nick.

I'm in here writing my acceptance speech right now.

- Look, it's why I came over here, man.

Trina told me that you got stars in your eyes.

Why does everything gotta be a competition with us, man?

- Wh-wh-wh-wh.

Competition?

What are you saying competition for, Nick?

When you use words like competition, it makes me think

that you think we're on the same level.

We're not.

Okay? Here's me.

Boop, I'm in a penthouse.

I'm way up here, okay?

- That's where you're at?

- Let me show you where you are.

You're down here.

You've got an apartment with Satan.

That's where you are.

- Kevin! You're wasting your time, okay?

The star's good as mine.

- Boy, you got some nerve to come over here with this

cocky attitude.

- Now, I know in your mind it may be tough following credits

like "Roll Bounce" and "The Parkers."

- I was good in "The Parkers."

- Yeah.

But let me hit you with a little newsflash, Nick.

I've done projects with actors like De Niro.

You on the other hand, you just divorce your dinero.

[laughs] Burn.

Why you come in here storming in here like you crazy?

- I got good news, and I got bad news.

- What are you talking about?

- Look, Kev, I didn't feel safe having your money in my pocket

in the neighborhood like that.

Just didn't do it.

- Get to the point, Jackie.

- See, what I did was, being genius, I put your money in my

bank account, so I can write a check.

A'ight?

And would you believe it?

Pff, the IRS garnished all your money out my account.

- [laughing] - Nick, Nick, stop.

This ain't the time, Nick.

- Sounds like you not working with any dineros.

- There's a time and a place for jokes.

This ain't the time.

Jackie-Jackie, what-are you saying that you don't have my

money?

So where's the good news?

- The good news is I'm $30,000 out of debt.

- [laughing] - Nick, it ain't the time!

- But I do got your $20.

- Gosh.

Need something done, you can't go to nobody.

Did I ask him to do that?

No.

Tell you what, count these three racks, and I'm gonna walk it

down there.

Mm, since I can't find help.

- Hey, uh, Kev?

Are we playing poker or what?

Oh!

- What the-wait!

Close the door, dummy!

No!

- [laughing] - No!

[bleep].

- [laughing] - Hey, Wayne!

Wayne, you better put that money down!

I see you!

Nick, stop that.

♪ Try for that Money, money, money, money ♪

- Tonight's the night that I extinguished Nick Cannon's star.

I've invited the entire Walk of Fame committee to come party

with a real star.

Me.

- Wonderful news, sir!

Your ten-foot long philly mignon cheesesteak has finally arrived

from Philadelphia, sir.

Your party is a guaranteed success.

- This is big, Coleman. This is really big.

Well, here's what I want you to do.

I want you to cut this in half.

Half of this will be for this party.

I want you to freeze the other half, save it for the

Super Bowl.

- Very provident, sir.

- KEVIN: Okay?

- Will do. - I'm incredible.

I'm so fresh.

I'm incredible.

I say cool.

I'm so incredible.

I say cool.

I'm so incredible.

I say cool-

- Why you in here dressed like a fake-ass Jermaine Jackson?

Where you at, Jackie?

- At Nick's party at the S-T-U-V.

You didn't hear about it?

- No, I didn't hear about it.

What-what the hell's going on over there?

- It's off the chain.

You gotta learn how to throw some parties like this-

- Off the chain how, Jackie?

What's going on?

- He got Nicki Minaj doing a set.

I was up close and personal with the ass.

I was right there.

It was popping. I was loving it.

I was looking all at it.

Oooh my God!

And let me tell you something else.

I don't need your cars no more, Kevin.

- Why's that?

- This [bleep] giving out cars!

Okay?

[bleep]...just got real!

- Okay.

Disloyal, disrespectful son of a Mich.

He's gonna throw a party in my house?

You know what I've done?

- What?

- Take a look at this damn sandwich.

- That's a big sandwich.

You know where that sandwich came from?

Philadelphia, Jackie.

This ain't damn lettuce.

- You had the sandwich flown in?

- This is the field, Jackie.

I done got all the CDs pressed.

That's not free!

I got to pay for this!

All types of liquor and [bleep] I done bought!

- I'm gonna tell you what the problem is.

- What's the problem, Jackie? - Look at me.

He's giving out clothes and stuff.

Balling!

- One more time. - Ball-turn around.

- Go back to his place!

- [dish crashes]

- JACKIE: You know what, Kev?

That was your plate.

[laughs] Mine's right here, 'cause I know you like Teriyaki.

I like original.

[laughing] [singing]

♪

- See, when you get Nick Cannon,

you get much more than a star.

You get a star mayor.

I will do more than just beautify your street.

I will bring tourism and business deals to the city of

Hollywood and Beverly Hills.

Two great cities brought together by one great man.

[audience cheering]

- Please!

Jesus, you're so full of [bleep], man.

- Only man that can wear a strong blouse.

Kevin Hart, ladies and gentlemen.

[light applause]

- Stop! I need no introduction, Nick.

I'm amongst fans.

Hey, shouldn't you be somewhere wilding out or something? Huh?

Don't you got something else to do?

See, Nick, this here is my house, man.

- Actually, it's a hotel, Kevin.

- Oh, you mean that same one you been living in for the last

two years?

[crowd oohs] - Ooh.

Burn.

- If I wasn't a Christian man, I'd be kicking your ass.

- Answer him.

Answer him, Kev.

- What-what the [bleep] are you talking about?

Stop it.

Well...look who's still doing Richard Pryor.

- You didn't get that role.

You know why, Nick?

Because you sucked, that's why.

[crowd boos] - Read him, wrote him.

And then after that, told everybody.

Burn. Give me some, lady.

- Oh you [bleep] now, mother [bleep].

- What the hell is going- Get off.

Get your hands-hey, you better your fake ass-oh, you stop.

No, that's it! That's it!

Get your hands- That's it, Nick!

Back your ass up!

[dog whimpers] - Oooh!

I just put the paws on them paws.

Who knocked the dog out?

Me, me, me, me, me.

It was by accident though.

I can still be excited. It's one of my first knockouts.

♪

What in the hell is so damn important that you need to see

me right now?

You know what traffic is like out there?

God, Tri-I know.

Fine, here.

Do you want it to you or to a relative?

- [chuckles] - "To Trina.

Stay in school."

Boom-bay-yah.

- Keep on, sign that.

I'm gonna use that for some checks that I need your

signature for.

You are really in your own world.

And yet it astounds me how things continue to work out in

your favor.

- What are you talking about?

- The Walk of Fame committee is going to give you their

last star.

- Trina, don't play with me.

Trina, are you serious right now?

I got it? - [laughs] Yes.

- Oh! [laughs] I got a star!

Wait. How? How?

How'd I get that? There wasn't nobody at my party.

- Look, my sources tell me that the dog that you punched.

- Yeah.

- It actually belongs to the chairwoman of the

Walk of Fame committee.

And it apparently had bitten every other member of the

committee, so they all hated him.

- That ain't nothing but the Lord.

Trina, that ain't nothing but God, man!

Hey, look, do me a favor.

Find out the chairman of the wax museum got a dog.

And if he does, I will slap the [bleep] out that dog, too.

This is crazy!

Oh my God!

Hey, I got a star.

- I can't even be mad at you.

- Listen, I'm gonna pay you for this session.

Just for this one.

I'm not gonna-I'm not gonna backtrack.

♪

[audience applause]

- WAYNE: We're here to celebrate my man Kevin Hart.

Last time I saw Kevin on Hollywood Boulevard, he was

dressed as Elmo and was tap dancing for change.

[laughs]

You know, but he made a lot of money.

You know why?

[imitating Elmo] Because he said it with his chest.

Ha, ha, ha.

[normal voice] That's Elmo, sir.

I'm wonderful at voices.

- JACKIE: Yo, hold up, hold up.

- Hey, hey, hey.

Why are you signing autographs, Jackie?

- Huh?

- I'm getting the star, not you.

- I'm signing your name, Kevin.

- Oh. - Kevin Hart.

I'm helping you out.

- Well, thank you, you didn't say that.

- JACKIE: Damn.

- KEVIN: Thank you. All right.

- Thank you.

- Stay in school. Know that.

- Would you get your own damn sayings?

- You all be black and beautiful.

[laughs] - Yo, Kev, Kev.

- KEVIN: Everybody, one at a time.

- Yo.

- Oh, [bleep].

Hey, ah...

What?

Hey, man, what the hell did you all do?

- We've taken it to another level.

And we got a big audition.

- Yeah, man, they remaking "Friday."

So what you think, huh?

- They need to go put some damn ice cubes on their face.

Walking around here looking like two sabretooth tigers

with Ebola.

Whoa!

Where do I get 'em?

Hey, man, I think you all did that.

I think- - I know what you think.

You think on I'm Boris' ass right now.

- Hey, Dwayne, I'm gonna be honest.

I don't think you should use the letter B for a minute.

- What?

- You know, let's get-let's get seated.

- Yeah, yeah. Can we-hey.

- Go right here.

- DUANE: Look, I got one more treatment.

After that one, you'll really see it.

- I told you we look good.

- People are shocked.

Look at 'em.

- WAYNE: Ladies and gentlemen, let's have a warm welcome and a

highchair for the man of the hour, Kevin Hart.

[audience cheering]

- Oh my God.

Uh, I so wasn't prepared for this moment.

Um, I got so many people that I feel like I should thank.

I don't know where to begin. I don't.

How 'bout we start with the people that I don't

need to thank.

Leading that group is Trina Shaw.

Don't need to thank you, Trina.

'Cause you didn't believe in me.

Nick Cannon, guess what?

You're not getting a thank you.

Nope.

Um, I wanna give the doctor that worked on my friend Duane and

Faizon's face a big [bleep] you.

Duane, Bill Bellamy called.

He wants his lips back.

And-and Faizon, why the hell do you look like the bad guy from

"Despicable Me"?

Jesus [bleep].

Last but not least, I wanna talk to the people that helped me

make this day possible.

The people who believed in me.

The people that took the extra step to get me here.

Oh, wait, no one did that.

That's right! I did this by myself!

All of this [bleep] was because I did it!

Me.

I wrote this acceptance speech myself.

Thank you.

[audience applause]

- Hey, I just wanna say one thing.

Me getting this star proves that I am way better than

Nick Cannon, okay?

That's right.

- It also proves you're a dog abuser!

Look what he did to my little Franklin.

[audience booing]

- KEVIN: No, stop it!

Hey!

First of all, everybody, I love dogs!

That was an accident!

Listen, I was going for Nick Cannon!

That dog was in the way!

- [dog barking] - I love dogs!

My girlfriend looks like a German Shepard!

Doggie style's my favorite position!

Ow! Ow!

- [indistinct yelling] - Watch the lips!

- Faizon, block it with your nose!

Oh [bleep]!

Go!

- [unintelligible] - You suck!

- So what I got booed?

I don't care.

I got a star, and Nick doesn't.

Let me tell you something.

Unlike Michael Vick, I ain't doing no jail time.

So PETA can kiss my ass.

♪

- KEVIN: Oh, you gotta be [bleep] kidding me.

Is this pig blood?

Well who's wrong around here, PETA?

♪