Original subtitles

♪

- Really good news. - Love that.

- We were able to get you your talk show.

- NICOLE: [screaming]

About a month ago, me and the girls were having lunch.

Actually, it was just a couple of lychee martinis.

We were doing that love-hate thing we do.

"I love you." "Bitch, please."

And it occurred to me that maybe we should have a talk show.

Wait, did I say "we"?

[laughing]

Gosh, the networks really still love me.

- Full disclosure.

Uh, nobody really knew who you were.

So, in order to make it work, we just...we had to partner

you up with one of our top clients.

- Well, I don't really wanna be partnered up with anybody.

I mean, except Boris, of course, if I have to.

- Hm, okay, well, I guess I'll just call the network then

and let them know you're not interested in that 65 on-air

episode guarantee.

- Sixty-five?

- Mm-hm.

Oh, you are the bomb.

- [laughing]

- Who are they thinking-Foxx, Fishburne, DiCaprio?

- Nope, this Negrio.

[laughing]

- Ew!

♪ This is the life

♪ We got the life We got the life ♪

♪ This is the city

♪ Where we party Every night ♪

♪ Party every night

♪ You and me

♪ Down and to go

♪ Welcome to Hollywood

- Trina, I don't think this is gonna work.

- Nicole...

- Of course it's gonna work.

All you gotta do is leave Boris.

- You don't stop, do you?

- Nicole, are you tellin' me that you're gonna walk out on

a 130-episode guarantee?

- Trina, you told me 65.

- Girl, listen, the network wants me so bad they upped

it to 130.

Called the Kevin Hart Effect, baby.

[clicking tongue]

- Okay, I don't get it.

Why are you doing this?

- What are you talking about?

- You don't think I'm gonna sleep with you, do you?

- Uh, yes, I do. - Oh!

- I'm joking, Nicole. Nicole, I'm joking.

- Then what do you really want, Kevin?

- What do you mean what do I really want?

- [heavy thud] - Hey, oh...

- Oh, God! - Hey, honey.

- [Spanish accent] Oh, my God, LisaRaye, thank

you so much for putting me on the ladies' show.

Papi?

- Yes? Who's my assistant?

- Here's the deal.

I'm goin' to Punta Cana with some friends and I had to do

something to keep Charmagne occupied for a couple of weeks.

So, I guess I'll see you when I come back.

[laughing] If I come back.

- WOMEN: [giggling] - Okay, ladies, you know that

I've been putting all my positive energy into that talk

show we've been in discussions about.

Well...

- Oh, my God, you got it.

- Yeah!

[laughing]

- ALL: [screaming, laughing]

- Oh, my God! - Shut up!

Is she serious?

- When you said that you were gonna get your own talk show,

I was like, "Well, who would give her a talk show?"

- Girl, forget all of that.

When do we start, 'cause I'm tryin' to get that new Bentley

that's comin' out.

- Hey, when are they gonna call our agents?

I have to warn you my quotes are high.

- Look, you ain't gotta call my agent.

Call me directly 'cause I- - Ladies!

Let's not get ahead of ourselves, okay?

- Okay, but how can we get ahead of ourselves, Nicole?

I mean, you did pitch the show with all of us, right?

- NICOLE: Yes, but in order to get it done, I had to pick

someone from outside of our circle.

- Oh, they want a White girl, huh?

- Well, that's me, of course.

- Girl, you ain't White. Nicole is whiter than you.

- Yes, but I- - I'm just light-skinned.

- ALL: [arguing over each other]

- NICOLE: Ladies! It's Charmagne.

- Charmagne?

- Hold, hold, hold, hold- Kevin's ratchet side piece

Charmagne?

- Yes.

- Why the hell would you do that?

- Because Kevin is the producer.

- Wait a minute-my Kevin?

- Bridgette, he's not yours anymore.

We've all had him.

Get over it.

- Unh-unh, no, no, no. Correction.

Everybody has not had him.

- And I don't want him.

- Hey, we all know Kevin is a whore, okay,

but that's not the point.

The point is I'm sorry, I just...

My hands were tied.

They told me that if I didn't go with her, there was going to

be no show.

- Nicole, you don't have to apologize.

We get it.

Now obviously you have chosen me, so who are the other two?

- Uh, skirt, what do you mean "obviously".

- Right. - Well, I'm her BFF.

- We've been in jail together.

- We've seasoned together.

- I am so sorry, I-

- ALL: [arguing over top of each other]

- Hi!

- Hey!

- Lola Michelle just released their new limited Resort

Collection bag.

Do you like?

- I love it!

- Well, that's good because this is yours.

- No!

Ha! Ha!

- Girls, who is this elderly woman?

- I have no idea.

But from the looks of her crow's feet,

she's definitely of Nicole's era.

Sorry, Salli, no offense.

- I ain't worried. I look better than all of y'all.

- Look, that's Holly Robinson Peete.

- BOTH: Who?

- You know, from "21 Jump Street" and "The Talk."

- And "Hangin' with Mr. Cooper" and "For Your Love"

and "Mike & Molly."

She's taken every part that I've wanted for the last 20 years,

including the part of Mrs. Rodney Peete.

- Oh, you mad.

- SALLI: She don't know.

- Wait a second, is that Salli with an "i"

Richardson hyphen Whitfield?

Girl, where have you been?

I don't see you at auditions anymore.

Are you still in the business?

- [laughing] Oh, Holly, you know I am.

I'm a director now.

- Oh, you gave up on the acting thing.

- Cuts like a knife.

- All right, ladies, I would like you to meet my very dear

BFF, Holly Robinson Peete.

- Hi.

- This is Nadine.

That's Bridgette.

And Eva.

And you know Salli.

- Hi.

- I'm just tryin' to figure out what she's doin' here,

'cause I don't really-

- I almost forgot.

I have Lola for you, Lola for you.

Ready, mama, Lola for you.

- How sweet is Holly Robinson Peete?

Love her.

- Here are your cards with the topics for your

auditions tomorrow.

- OTHERS: Auditions?

- Wait. What?

- You don't want me to play favorites, do you?

- OTHERS: Yes!

- Where's my card?

- You don't need one.

What Trump shoulda told ya-

- BOTH: You're hired!

- What do you mean she's hired?

- Why do we have to audition, but not her?

- Which one of you little glorified day players has ever

had your own talk show?

That's what I thought.

- You know what?

I'ma tell Kevin.

- Go right ahead.

He gave me carte blanche.

- Look, I don't care what kinda watch he gave you, Kevin Hart

can't have anything with his name on it and leave me out.

- Listen, Nicole, either we're all on the show or none of

us are.

We are not auditioning.

- What? - Right, ladies?

- OTHERS: Right! - Let's go.

And, Holly, you can keep that damn purse.

- Unh-unh-unh-unh, cobalt blue is everything this season, girl.

- Salli Richardson-Whitfield.

- Well, look who's here.

- Snake-ass Salli.

- Mm-hm.

- Miss Either-We-All-Get-the- Job-Or-No-One-Does.

Girl, you are as fake as those teeth.

- You mean the ones I'll be flashing on camera when I get

this job?

[laughing]

- Girl, just sign in and sit your beige ass down.

- I prefer "pecan."

Un momentito por favor.

Chad!

Please. Moisture.

- Who is this?

- Her bitch.

- So, are you ladies ready to audition?

- Yes! - Yes.

- Cool.

Then let the Hunger Games begin!

- [heavy thud] - [gasping]

- Who died and made that bitch Oprah?

- And another thing that's so amazing about this rejuvenating

cream is that it has no nasty sulphites.

I mean, who really wants that?

This stuff is so natural, you can actually eat it.

[gagging] [coughs]

Okay. Okay, I lied.

This is nasty.

All right, let's cut the [bleep].

Director, bring the camera in closer.

Now do you see my skin- how nice and even it is?

Do you know what products I use?

It's called "I'm only 29."

I mean, let's just be honest, ladies, if you're over 35,

baby, you're screwed.

I mean, the only options you really have now are plastic

surgery or Spanx-for your face.

- Today, we have guest chef and author of "The Single Girl's

Guide to Cooking," Allison Brown.

Allison, what are we cookin' today?

- Well, I've whipped up a meal that any single girl can make

when there's no time to prepare something extravagant, a meal

you can make in 20 minutes for that special someone.

- Twenty minutes?

When my guy comes over for a booty call, he ain't givin'

no time for none of this.

I would take some of these green things, some raw chicken,

a sweet potato and you have the makings of a perfect power

smoothie to boost my man's stamina.

- [blender whirring] - I like this.

It feels good.

- Oh!

[gasping] - It's so good!

It's so good!

- In this segment, I'm gonna show you ladies how

to protect yourselves.

I'll need help from one of our PAs.

Help me, Jesus.

Ah, Jesus!

Don't you look great.

- Actually, it's "Hey-sus."

- Actually, it's spelled "J-e-s-u-s."

That's Jesus.

Now, ladies, how many times has this happened to you?

You're in the club chillin' with your girls and your drink,

havin' a good time, and this broke mother [bleep] here

comes up to you wantin' to dance,

tappin' you on your shoulder.

You don't touch me!

This is how you handle that very threatening situation.

Tap me, Jesus.

- [heavy thud] - Oh, Jesus!

- Oh, now your name is Jesus.

- [groaning] - Don't even know what an Asian

is doin' with an Hispanic name anyway.

- Are you ready to try a little pole dancing?

- Well, I haven't done it before, so I'll give it a try.

Are you gonna show me something?

- Okay. Simple.

Okay. Your turn.

- All right, let me give it a shot.

[laughing]

♪

- Hm, how was that?

- You know, Nicole, they're actually all pretty good.

Which one are you gonna pick?

- [tsk'ing] I don't know.

It depends on who the network likes.

[laughing]

- Well, actually, Nicole, the decision is all yours.

- I know.

I'm just tryin' to make you feel useful.

[laughing]

Do you have any more meaningless,

clever notes to feed to my shredder?

- Ever since the North Koreans hacked into my email, and these

talentless, back-stabbing, out-of-work whores learned that

I was referring to them as talentless, back-stabbing,

out-of-work whores, they've been walking around talking to me

like I give a damn about their little show.

Oh, and I do have one more wicked little note.

This show should be called "Rat Chat."

Take that, mother [bleep].

- It is "turn up," grandma.

Get it right.

- Thank you.

- On today's turn up topic, we're discussing the

Metropolitan Museum of Art's decision to put on an exhibit

on American pop culture featuring Kim Kardashian

and her infamous derriere.

- Oh, Kim!

- Unh-unh, I don't eat derriere, okay?

I am lactose intolerant.

- Let's just stay on topic.

- I heard that they're gonna put it right next to the

Martin Luther King Jr. exhibit.

- Hm.

- They're gonna call it "Turn the Other Cheek."

- I love that!

- That's like a good play on words.

- I'm not hating on Kanye, but I think Kim could have

done better.

- I love Reggie Bush.

But then again I always have had a weakness for Trojan men.

- Wow.

- I'm a Magnum girl, myself.

- Try out the Lifestyle.

- Ladies, ladies!

Unlike your legs, can we keep it together?

- Oh!

- I think what Nicole is trying to get us to do is to talk about

Kim K. and discuss is she a worthy role model.

- No!

- Me, personally, I think that Kim Kardashian is a great role

model.

I think that she should be in the Mausoleum.

- So you want her dead.

- No, Nicole Richie, I'm saying that I want you dead.

Don't start with me.

- You know what?

What's the big deal about Kim Kardashian's ass?

I mean, why didn't they put Bridgette Hart's ass up in

the museum? - Why not?

- 'Cause this is all the way real.

- She's got a point.

- I mean, she's got a very nice ass.

- You know what?

Miss Bridgette actually really has a great point.

- Thank you.

- The African-American booty is the gold standard in

the community, correct?

- Mm-hm.

- And it took Kim K.

to make it cross over.

Why is that, people, why?

- Because she's White.

- Let's go back to our sponsor and take a commercial break.

When we come back, we'll learn how to take the hood out of all

of these rats.

- ALL: [mixed conversations]

- I don't know about you guys,

but I think we did a great job together.

I think we should all do the show.

- Well, why don't we tell all of this to your crazy ass friend

who's been keepin' us waitin' for three hours.

- Unh-unh.

- I'm done with this [bleep].

- Ooh, get her, Salli.

- Salli's on game.

- Nicole?

- Mm-hm?

- We need a decision.

- Nicole, I think everybody should do the show.

- Holly, baby, you got it toughen up, girl.

Everybody can't do anything in this town. [snaps fingers]

You and Leah Remini should know better than anyone.

- Who is in and who is out?

- I don't know.

I haven't made up my mind yet.

You know what?

Come by my house tomorrow afternoon.

Maybe I'll know by then.

In the meantime, get lost.

Oo-wee, biscuits 'n gravy.

Chad, where have you been all my life-ife-ife-ife?

- [doorbell ringing] - Is she remodeling?

- Oh, no.

- I know Nicole didn't get...

[unintelligible].

- No, there's something wrong. - Hi, ladies.

- Hi, Holly.

- Come on in.

[laughing]

- Well, what's for lunch? Paint?

- Oh, Bridge.

No, you know I'm gonna feed you well, girl.

[laughing] You all look so beautiful today.

- Yeah, cut the crap.

Have you made a decision yet?

- No, I haven't.

My brain has just been consumed with this remodeling project.

There's so much to do.

There's rooms to paint and floors to sand and decks to

build and the construction crew just up and left.

I don't know how I'm gonna get around to it.

- Why's she talkin' like the Queen of English

of all a sudden?

- I don't know, but I know this heifer don't think we about

to remodel her house.

- Well, the tarp is already down.

Takers?

To tell you the truth, I already know who's not gonna make it.

But my contractor walked out on me and Boris is only good at

using one tool.

I know it's wrong, but I just love watching these uppity

bitches tap dance for me.

[laughing]

and get them little varmints ready for school.

Unbelievable.

Hi, Deej. Unh-unh.

Bridgette did what? When?

This afternoon? Oh, no, no.

Oh, no, Deej, you don't.

You don't have to hurt anybody.

No, unh-unh.

I'm on it right now.

I owe you one, girl.

- Please welcome the broads of "Broad Talk."

I am your host, Holly Robinson Peete.

- Holly Robinson Peete, my BFF, back-stabbin',

fake ass friend.

Happy Kwanzaa.

- Toughen up? Toughen up?

Well, now I'm the host of the show and you're not.

Is that tough enough for you, Nicole?

[clapping hands]

Go long, Chad, go long.

- Hey, Trina, how's it goin'?

- Hey, Nicole, um...

- I wanna know what the [bleep] is goin' on over here.

- Um... The network didn't like you.

Uh, "hate" was the word they actually used.

- Really?

What didn't they "like" about me?

- They didn't feel like you had chemistry with the other girls.

- Pffft! Who gives a [bleep]?

It's my show.

- Well, not anymore.

They've decided to move on in another direction.

- Oh, the other direction.

I see.

This is unbelievable.

Get Kevin in the phone.

Does he know about this? Get him on the phone.

- Nicole- - Call Kevin.

- It's done.

- Now.

- Okay. Sure.

- Let's get to the bottom of this right now.

- Hey, what?

I'm on vacation. Did you fire Nicole yet?

- Fire me? - She's here.

- I thought you had my back, Kev.

I thought we were partners.

- Yeah, but me and Charmagne are lovers

and she can't stand you.

Look, the network gave me a two-year commitment if I got

rid of you, so I got rid of you.

All right, guys, I've gotta go.

Toodle-loo.

- Hey, that was mine.

- Hold up. Hold up. - And who are you?

- CHAD: [laughing] I'm the line producer.

- Great.

Well, walk your ass in a line and go produce me

a cup of coffee.

!¡Señoritas!

Ladies, I am filled with so much gratitude.

Thank you for filling in for me.

Let's roll, cameras, fellas.

Roll the damn cameras.

Hi, I'm Nicole Ari Parker and welcome to "Broad Talk"

where, from now on, I'll be the only broad talking.

Let's start with the new hidden camera segment called

"Back Stabbing Bitches."

Let's get a tight shot of this, fellas.

And playback!

- You know the only reason Charmagne and her fake-ass

accent are on the show is 'cause she's sleepin'

with Kevin.

But that'll all be over as soon as Kevin finds out that while

he's in Punta Cana, she's been givin' her poon to the Chad.

- ALL: Oh!

- Runnin' around.

- You need to mind your business.

- Let's stay on topic.

- We'll I'd be a hoe, too, 'cause, Chad, that boy's fine.

He can have my Punta, too.

- [laughing] - I...I said I would.

- Oh, so you had him, too.

- I'd give, not I gave.

- But, wait, there's more.

- Girl, they are not gonna pick Salli, okay?

Her ass is way too old.

- What?

- Shhh. Wait for it.

- I don't know. They're pretty tight.

- Tight?

She's not tight with the network.

Between me and you, I sent her birth certificate to them.

- Boom!

- And, uh, it was on a stone tablet.

- That's just evil, little girl.

- First of all, you've been working for the last 78 years.

Can you give somebody else a job, please?

- You wish you could work that long.

- Give somebody else a chance.

- Again, so watch it.

- Scratch Bridgette from the show.

She's on parole.

- OTHERS: [gasping] - Are you serious? For what?

- A fight backstage during the hair show in Atlanta.

She, nor her weave, are supposed to leave Georgia.

- NICOLE: [laughing]

- Bitch, no, you didn't put my business in the street.

- Your business is all over the street.

Your business is the street.

- Oh, well, fat lady is about to sing.

- Girl, there ain't no way that 12-year-old boy Eva is gettin'

this job.

Not after I tell Nicole that she was hittin' on Boris.

- Boris is gay?

- Oh. [fake sobbing]

- Just because you cannot be as beautiful as me, bitch,

you gon' lie?

- You can't just keep sleeping with everyone.

People find out.

- I do not [bleep] AARP members. Period.

- I think that they're using it because-

- And now for the coup de grace...

You know, I'm just sorry you spent all that money on those

expensive hand bags.

- HOLLY: [laughing] No need to be sorry.

Those bags are as fake as Nadine's SAG card.

- NICOLE: [screaming] - I'm ready to fight!

- Boo-yah!

- ALL: [all shouting over each other]

- NICOLE: It's like you said, Salli, either all of us are on

the show, or none of us!

I tried.

- This is just great.

This is exactly the kind of drama we have been missing.

Oh, my God, we're gonna be a hit.

- [arguments continue] - Well, I guess it's all of us.

Chad!

♪