Original subtitles

- Sammy Davis Jr. is considered

one of the greatest entertainers of all time.

- Absolutely. - Okay, look, everybody stop.

Here's all I gotta say, man.

I don't know if you can tell or not...

the thing about me is I'm a grown man, buddy.

I'm not gonna play nobody's junior, okay?

So, unfortunately, on this particular case, uh...

I'm gonna have to pass, man. That's ridiculous.

- Look, I know that $15 million isn't much--

- What'd you say? - --for your caliber of talent.

But I might be able to scrape together another five.

But that's the best I can do.

- Well, I mean, we'd have to at least consider that.

- Do we have a deal?

- I mean, I'm gonna be honest with you,

$15 million don't make me jump.

Twenty-- - Twenty gets it done?

- Twenty gets the job done. - So we're gonna get it done?

- Let's do this. - All right.

Well, in the words of Sammy Davis Jr.,

you got yourself a daggone deal, baby.

- All right.

- ♪ This is the life, this is the life ♪

♪ We got the life, we got the life ♪

♪ This is the city where we party every night ♪

♪ Party every night

♪ Just you and me

♪ Down and to go

♪ Welcome to Hollywood, welcome to Hollywood ♪

♪ Welcome to Hollywood ♪

- ♪

- Once again you lose.

Full house.

- [laughing]

- Hey, y'all, let me get the money to ya, man.

Good hand. Good hand. That was a good hand.

You got me on that one.

Take it. Take it. Take it. Take it. Take it.

- Wait a second. Is everything okay, Kevin?

- Everything is fine. Why?

- 'Cause usually when you get your ass whipped like that--

- You cry like a little mitch.

- I don't see myself cryin' any more,

especially after I got $20 million.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait, wait, Kev.

You hit the lotto?

- I just got offered the role of Sammy Davis Jr.

- WAYNE: [sputtering drink]

[coughing]

- Kev, that's your raise.

- How you tell it?

- Let me see you do Sammy.

- You want some Sammy? - No!

- I'm pullin' Sammy out. - No!

- You want Sam-- - No! No! No!

This is some bull [bleep].

I have spent my life preparing to be Sammy Davis Jr.

I can sing, I can dance,

I can tap, I can trick shoot, I can use a bullwhip.

Hell, I've dated white women.

I tried to poke my eye out. I know Yiddish.

One time I got my eye almost poked out by a white woman

while speaking Yiddish.

I'm Sammy Davis Jr.! - Here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna invite all y'all down to Inside Joe's tonight.

I'm celebrating with the producers, okay?

- The producers of the movie? - Yeah. It's gonna be big.

- I'm comin'. I'm there. - Done deal?

- I can't make it. I have a speaking engagement.

- Oh!

- What in the long finger? Arsenio?

- Hey, man, what my fingers got to do with this?

- It's like a [bleep] weapon.

He can dig in his nose and scratch his balls

at the same time, man.

- I'm a motivational speaker.

- I heard the dude is really good.

But he's really expensive.

- Jackie, I already told you I'll give you a discount.

- Yeah, but you keep telling me that.

- Stop. Stop talking. Listen.

Kevin, you should come, too.

- Listen, I'm doin' a movie where I'm playing

Sammy Davis Jr.

I'm motivated. Thank you, Wayne.

Do you understand what I'm sayin'?

Maybe you need to actually take the motivation for yourself.

Put yourself in the puddin' pop

and get it out there, baaaahhh.

- I cannot believe this is happening.

[speaking Yiddish]

You know damn well that I wanna play Sammy.

- Okay, small thing, but I happen to represent Kevin.

- No, big thing. You're in love with me.

- Wayne, I thought that we agreed that we were not gonna

mix business with whatever we have.

- [laughing]

- Okay. - I know, I know.

Please, please.

- When you ask me a question like that, then I have to step

outside of Relationship Trina and go into Business Trina.

- Lay it on me, man.

I can dig it.

See what I just did?

- I-- - See what--

I channeled Sammy.

Who else can do that?

- Here's the thing, okay? Look, this is it.

I'm gonna put it out. This is it.

- Come on. Let's go. Let's go.

- You're not a big enough star.

No one who watches television after 4 o'clock

knows who you are.

I'm just saying. - I'm not--okay.

- Look, it doesn't matter, all right?

That's done. It's out. We did that.

Okay, now let's just go back to me, Relationship Trina.

We can talk about what we're gonna do for dinner tonight.

Okay? Hm?

Hm.

It would be nice, maybe like sushi--

- No.

Because Business Trina just [bleep] it up

for Relationship Trina.

- Wayne-- - Thank you so much.

You've been a wonderful audience.

- Okay, now you're just being childish.

- ♪ You can never touch this again ♪

♪ You will not have this, no no no no no no no ♪

- Wayne, stop it. Don't act like this.

- ♪ Business Trina - Don't let this--

Wayne, don't-- - ♪ Never ever again

♪ You will not be touchin' my balls ♪

♪ No ♪

- AUDIENCE: [applauding]

- Let me take the time to drop a bomb on ya.

I just got word that I have the opportunity to play my idol

in a motion picture.

You guys are lookin' at the new Sammy Davis Sr.

It's an amazing opportunity, man, for me to have

this lifetime chance to play one of the guys that was

in the...the Mouse Pack.

It's gonna be dope.

- Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin Hart!

- AUDIENCE: [light applause]

- Thank you, Wayne. - WAYNE: Yes!

My man! - KEVIN: What're you doin'?

Thank you. Thank you.

- Go ahead and give everybody in the audience

a preview of your Sammy.

- Just a little piece, okay?

♪ When I drank the puddin' I get the puddin' pop pop ♪

[singing gibberish]

♪ Bop bop hey ♪ Baaaahhhh!

That's it.

I'm not givin' y'all nothin' else.

I'm not gonna waste it on y'all so don't even get me to try.

- I'll waste it on ya. - What are you talkin' about?

What are you doin'?

- Hit it, Joe.

- Who the [bleep] is Joe?

- WAYNE: Ladies? - Where'd you get dancers?

- They came with the orchestra, man.

Beat it. Skidoo.

- When that [bleep] get here?

Hey, who are you pushing?

[screaming]

- ♪ Do do do do do do do do do ♪

Feel it, man, feel it.

♪ Who can take a sunrise

♪ Sprinkle it with dew

♪ And cover it with chocolate and a miracle too ♪

♪ The Candy Man, oh ta ki do ♪

♪ The Candy Man can

♪ Oh the Candy Man can

♪ 'Cause he mixes it with love and makes the world ♪

♪ Taste good ska di da do do ♪

♪ The Candy Man can 'cause he mixes it with love ♪

♪ And makes the world

♪ Taste good

♪ Good good

♪ It tastes like money

♪ Suck it, Kevin Hart ♪

- What in the Count Basie is Wayne doin'?

- Why did you even let Wayne on the stage?

- I'm not worried about Wayne.

That part is mine.

- Yeah, and I was signed for a second season in "Late Night."

You'd better pay attention.

- Can you believe this?

This "Let's Make a Deal" mother [bleep]

is tryin' to steal my deal.

- KEVIN: Trina! - Hey.

- I've been lookin' for you all damn day.

- Well, you found me. - Well, that's the problem.

I shouldn't have to look for you, okay?

- Hey, Kev. - Hey, sweetie.

- Hey, baby, that's for you.

- What the hell's goin' on here? - TRINA: Thank you.

Uh, nothing. Just a little-- - WAYNE: --celebration.

There's a little more. Let me top that off.

- Celebration? What you celebrating?

One of your little game shows got picked up, Wayne?

Is that what you're celebratin'?

- No, no, I have a screen test to play Sammy Davis Jr.

[laughing]

Mmm! Ah!

Sweet...like candy, man.

[laughing]

Um, I see that Business Trina has to get to work,

so I'm just gonna, uh, you know, leave.

I'll leave that with you.

- Okay. Bye. - Oh, come on.

- Here, here, actually, take this.

Take this with you. - Really?

- Yeah, keep the party goin'. - ♪ Keep it goin' on

Hey, man, stay groovy, and I mean that.

[scat singing]

♪ You ain't gon' get that job[bleep] ♪

- What? - ♪ No no no no no ♪

I'm tappin'.

- That's good, baby.

- What the hell does he mean screen test?

- Sit down. - I'm sittin' down.

- Mark rescinded his offer.

- I already got his offer, so I don't know why

he's resendin' it again.

- No, it means-- - He don't need to resend it.

- It means he's taking back the offer.

It doesn't matter.

Look, he wants you to screen test, though.

- Oh, wow. That's what this whole little celebration

is about right now?

You're tryin' to keep the money in house.

- You are wrong. There is no house.

There's his house, there's my house.

And let me tell you something.

What you just witnessed is Relationship Trina--

- Oh, please. - --supportin' her man, okay?

Business Trina is 100% in your corner

and not about to let go of 5% of $20 million.

- Uh, if you think I'm about let go of half of $20 million,

you've got another think coming.

- Five percent is not half, Kevin.

- [sighing] You and your math, girl.

You don't know fractions?

Five percent into $20 million. Pi, okay?

Point--point--what's that, three point--

- Shhh! Stop it!

Wayne is not gonna get that part.

I am workin' on it. We'll celebrate all night long.

He is going to be hung over and wore out,

I promise you, okay?

Now I'm doing my part, and I need you to do yours.

- I'ma tell you what I'm not gonna do.

I'm not gonna screen test. - [laughs]

- So you need to double do your part.

Kevin Hart don't screen test. Ow!

- You are going to screen test and you are going to be good.

You are going to become Sammy, and if you don't,

then I will put five percent of my foot up your ass.

- You on your cycle? - Cycle!

- Okay, all right, all right, all right.

- What's up, dawg? How're you doin'?

- I'm good, man.

- I heard about your screen test.

You need some help?

- Nah, man, I don't do screen tests.

- Okay. Can I have a red wine?

I just want you to know that if you need anything,

I'm always here for you.

- I'm not really sure why you care.

- Kev, you know, of all the interviews I did,

the one I wouldn't trade for the world

is the one with Sammy Davis Jr.

I mean, this is the greatest entertainer that ever lived.

He laid the groundwork for us, man.

Well, forget it. Anyway, you don't wanna do it.

- Well, no, it's not that I don't wanna do it.

I just had no idea that he was that important.

- Very important, Kevin.

- You know what?

Guess what you just did? - Hm?

- You just talked me into it.

I'ma do it. I'ma do it.

- R-r-really? - Yeah, I'ma do it.

- Well, I'll put together a Team Sammy.

I'm gonna have you ready to be Sammy.

You're gonna eat and drink and smoke Sammy.

- So, are you ready? Here we go.

Here, we're gonna do this. Check it out.

- [shoes tapping]

- [uncoordinated tapping]

- Oh. - Yeah! Yeah!

That looks just like Sammy right there.

You can't do no more.

- [singing scales] - [screeching scales]

- Higher. [singing scales]

- [singing random notes]

- If I could do Sinatra, we could bring the Rat Pack

back right now.

- Come on now. Come on now. - Okay. Yeah.

- You know what I'm talkin' about.

Now that's bananas, dawg.

If you do that, Sammy'll give you the role.

That's good, Kev, that's good.

Yes, Kevin, yes!

Yeah, brother, you're takin' it to the next

Sammy Davis level.

You did great work, Sammy.

Whoa, whoa, did you hear that?

- Hey-- - Freudian slip.

You were so good today I called you Sammy.

- Hey, I feel like I knocked it out the park.

- This is yours. - I feel like it is.

- If you want it, Kevin, it's yours.

You were brilliant.

- Thank you, man, thank you. I'm serious. Thank you.

You know, I don't care what people say about Arsenio.

I like him.

Hey, Eddie, you better watch out, man.

I'm about to steal your best friend.

Ohhh!

Left my keys.

Hey, Arsenio!

- ALL: [laughing]

- Talk about a screen test, he need a drug test, right?

That was so crazy!

- I thought that you were gonna hear me laughing

through the door.

♪ He can take the sunshine and sprinkle it with doo-doo ♪

- ALL: [laughing]

- Sammy would love that joke.

Sammy's like--

- What the [bleep] is goin' on here?

- So, here's what's goin' on.

Sammy Davis Jr. told me to my face, on my show,

that he would always have my back,

that he would always be there for me.

Well, I'm returnin' the favor, Sammy.

You didn't think I was gonna let the sweat from a baboon's balls

ruin a national treasure like Sammy.

- If I had any type of confidence or self-esteem,

I'd come over there and kick your ass.

[in squeaky voice] But you have taken what I have left.

- [playing piano keys randomly]

- [sobbing]

- That was the first thing he's done in key the whole week.

- [repeats random piano keys]

- That's the first--

- ALL: [laughing]

- Yes, I'm gonna wash your car. All right.

Bye, Mama, love you, too.

Who here?

- KEVIN: [singing notes]

- What the hell?

- [tapping shoes]

- Aw, come on, Kevin.

- Who the [bleep] is Kevin? - You.

- No, I'm Sammy Davis Jr.

- Kevin, what's wrong with you, man?

- [grunting] - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Ah!

- Look, do not shoot my suit.

You aim for the head.

- Shut up, Jackie.

It ain't even loaded, okay?

- [gun clicking] - See that?

I'm outta bullets. - All right.

- Just like I'm outta hope.

- You almost scared me for a minute, boy.

- What the [bleep] are you wearing?

- Oh, this is called success.

And if you want any of it, you'll come with me.

- Success--

seven letters that can make or break you.

See, early on, I realized that in order to be

truly successful-- - [slurping drink]

- --I had to understand what I was truly worth.

- Why is he only talkin' about his damn self?

- Just listen, Kevin, okay?

- 'Cause I'm the most successful person I know.

What about you, Kevin? - [slurping drink]

- You don't need that flask, Kevin.

You need a hug. - Naw.

- Hey, in order to heal, you gotta deal.

Come on, stand up. - Go give him a hug.

- Ma'am, can you grab that flask?

- Touch that flask, I'll bust your ass.

- Stand up. Give me a hug. - Here, man.

- Come on, give me a hug.

Come on, man. - Hey, what you doin'?

Hey, man! Come on, man!

Come on, Jackie.

- Kevin, you can be me.

I want you to imagine that you're tall, okay?

That you're good looking, all right?

That you're married to the most beautiful woman in the world--

Salli.

- I imagined that. - Okay, shut up.

Now how do you feel?

- Good?

- I don't believe you.

Do you know why I don't believe him?

Because right now he is not me.

What I want you to understand is...

if you can be me, you can be anything.

Kevin, I want you to be me. - Wow. Wow.

- Be me right now, okay?

Now I want you to picture this beautiful suit on you,

instead of this ridiculous shirt.

Channel being me.

You can be me.

If you can be me, you can be Sammy.

Do you see it?

Do you see it?

How does it feel?

- It feels good!

- Say it again.

- I said it feels good!

- And that, ladies and gentlemen,

is the power of being Dondre.

- It feel good seein' myself dressed like this,

wearing turtlenecks with zippers.

It feels good bein' the guy that lost his hair at age seven

and knew it would be okay.

Oh, it feels good bein' married to a beautiful woman and

havin' people look at me goin', "Huh? Why's she with him?"

And me goin', "Mm-huh?"

I feel good beein' a guy that disappeared from TV for 20 years

and still walks out on the street and says, "Look at me!"

It feels so good knowin'-- - We're gonna take a--

- [muffled]

- Let's take lunch and we'll be right back, all right?

- KEVIN: A penis don't mean nothin'

as long as you can be me!

- Keep goin', Kevin.

- I got a little [bleep], and I still feel good.

- That's what I'm talkin' about.

- ♪

- Here he comes. - How you doin', boy?

- Hey, Kevin, how's it goin'?

- It was weird.

But it wasn't, but it was.

Like I went in there, I pictured that I was you,

and it went great, like it went great.

But it was weird, you know?

- Why is that weird? - WAYNE: [laughing]

Hey.

'70s Sammy. Bad choice.

- Untalented Sammy.

Didn't have a choice.

- Hold zoning.

- Do you really think so, Kevin?

- I was hopin' you'd do some dumb [bleep] like that, Wayne.

- All right, come on, guys.

Sammy was a peaceful man. Come on.

- [gunfight harmonica music]

- [spits]

- [blows air]

- [gunfight music continues]

- [slobbering on fingers]

[blowing air]

- [Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean" music intro]

- I only got the one dance. I don't know--

- Just dance.

- I don't even know why you guys are doing any of this.

- Do a circle, do a circle, do a circle, Kevin, do a circle.

Ah, I'm not a bandit.

- I got you. I got you.

- It burns, Jackie! He got me! - Give me these damn guns.

Get up, Kevin.

- KEVIN: He shot me!

[screaming]

- Nobody shot you. Get up!

The damn guns aren't even loaded.

- [gunshots firing] - ALL: [screaming]

- Oh [bleep]!

- Are you all outta your [bleep] minds?

- It's him. He started it.

- Yeah, I was gonna finish it, too, Wayne.

- TRINA: Both of you stop it!

It's over. It's done.

Neither of you even got the part.

- KEVIN AND WAYNE: What?

- They decided to go with another client of mine.

- Who?

- They're talkin' about me, man.

- Tommy?

- In livin' color.

Hey, what's up, guys?

- Kev's in the house.

Nice little ensemble.

Do you know why you guys didn't get the part?

Because you two have the talent...

♪ Of a crock of kangaroos

♪ The Candy Man

♪ Sha-boing boing boing ♪

- Gimme my gun. - That made no [bleep] sense.

- Get away! Get away! - [gunshots firing]

- [tape rewinding]

- AUDIENCE: [cheering, applauding]

- ARSENIO: Thank you.

- SAMMY DAVIS JR.: Before you go any further, I say this...

to you on a one-to-one basis.

If you ever need me, you got me, for the rest of my life,

and that the reason why I wanted to do this song

because I didn't want somebody to say,

"Well, when you were on ' Johnny Carson,' you sang.

How come you didn't sing on Arsenio's show?"

- AUDIENCE: [applauding]

- Ladies and gentlemen, this is Sammy Davis Jr.

- AUDIENCE: [cheering, applauding]

- ARSENIO: Thank you.

- ♪

- [crowd cheering] - [heart beating]

- ♪